


Playtime

by aoanli



Series: Playtime Universe [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: (Yesung is attracted to people with small dicks ok), (always), Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Begging, Blindfolds, Body Worship, Bondage, Car Sex, Choking, Cock Warming, Consensual Sex, Cum Play, Dacryphilia, Daddy Kink, Degradation, Dehumanization, Dom/sub relationship, Drunk Sex, Edging, Exhibitionism, FaceFucking, Forced Orgasm, Homophobia, Humiliation, Impact Play, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pet Names, Phone Sex, Porn With Plot, Premature Ejaculation, Public Sex, Restraints, Reverse Size Kink, Reward and Punishment, Ruined Orgasms, Safeword Use, Semi-Public Sex, Sensory Deprivation, Sex Tape, Sex Toys, Size Kink, Slapping, Smut, Spanking, Subspace, Voyeurism, age gap, dom!yesung, fluff (somehow), handjob, jongwoon is an emo boy, safeword, sub!ryeowook, tw: use of the f-slur like once
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-01-30 15:09:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 355,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21430246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aoanli/pseuds/aoanli
Summary: Jongwoon thinks he may have found the perfect person to suit his uncommon lifestyle when Ryeowook gives him the best blowjob of his life in the dirty bathroom of a gay nightclub.
Relationships: Choi Siwon/Lee Donghae/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk, Han Geng | Hankyung/Kim Heechul, Kim Jongwoon | Yesung/Kim Ryeowook
Series: Playtime Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955998
Comments: 152
Kudos: 522





	1. Complimentary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Please read the end notes for important information)
> 
> You guys have no idea how much time I've spent writing this fic. I don't know how long it's going to be, but I wanted to at least get the first chapter out before I went crazy, so it might not be that great but hey, at least it's there for now, ahahah
> 
> Hope you enjoy it. Warning though, it's almost all just smut.
> 
> (I also want to mention that english is not my first language, so if you see stupid mistakes... it's probably because of that lmao)

_That kid may look young_, Jongwoon thinks, _but fuck does he know how to suck a dick._

The situation he finds himself in at the moment, cock buried deep in a stranger’s throat in the stall of a dirty nightclub bathroom, isn’t exactly unknown to him. Jongwoon was an attractive man, late twenties, put together and extremely charming, so it wasn’t rare occurrence that he would manage to catch the eye of a lot of people whenever he went out. Not that he would complain, because he’s single, and he has needs.

_Ryeowook, twenty, college student_. That’s all he knew about the boy kneeling in front of him, and quite frankly all the information he needed, because it’s not as if he planned on bringing him home to take things further.

Now, _that_ was something he never did, and that for multiple reasons. This time, however, he must admit that there’s something about the kid that draws him in, and he’s almost certain it has to do with something more than the fact that he’s probably giving him the best blowjob of his life.

The way he looks under him, all doe-eyed and innocent-looking, has his head almost spinning. Jongwoon’s always had a thing for people like that—people he could feel he could completely ruin in seconds, like they’re some sort of porcelain doll begging him to be broken. Some people may think it’s sort of fucked up, but Jongwoon doesn’t give a shit.

Ryeowook trails his tongue against the bulging vein on the underside of his cock before wrapping his lips around the tip so tightly Jongwoon thinks he wouldn’t be able to get away if he tried, and he loses it. He takes a fistful of Ryeowook’s blonde hair at the back of his head and harshly pulls him off his cock, twitching and covered in spit and precum; Ryeowook looks up at him with a dazed and satisfied expression, and Jongwoon groans deep.

“I wanna cum in that pretty little mouth of yours,” Jongwoon spits. Ryeowook looks up at him with hopeful eyes. “You’d like that, huh ?”

“Yeah,” the boy pants roughly. “M’gonna swallow it all.”

Jongwoon curses and shoves his cock back into Ryeowook’s mouth until it hits the back of his throat, making the boy gag. The tightening muscles pressing against him is all he needs to come undone, strings of white shooting out—Ryeowook moans around him, swallowing everything Jongwoon has to give him gingerly, and a switch within Jongwoon’s mind snaps.

He decides, on a whim, that his own personal code doesn’t matter in the end; he can’t let this kid go, at least not just yet, and he intends on dragging on this night for as long as he can, because this kid has _something_, that one specific thing Jongwoon’s looking for, he swears he feels it.

Jongwoon starts gently massaging the spot at the back of Ryeowook’s head he roughly tugged on earlier, soothing the pain a tiny bit, as he pulls out slowly, cock slowly softening and completely coated in the boy’s saliva. Ryeowook reflexively leans into his gentle touch, humming contently and nuzzling into Jongwoon’s arm.

Jongwoon thinks he’s never seen someone so cute in his entire life—he swears his heart is about to explode.

“How about we finish what we’ve started elsewhere, huh ?” Jongwoon suggests, and Ryeowook immediately nods against his arm. The older man smiles and lets go of the boy to tuck himself back into his jeans before helping the younger back on his feet. “Come on, follow my lead.”

Jongwoon places his left hand on the small of Ryeowook’s back, lightly pushing to guide the boy back into the club and through the crowd toward the exit. He even helps him get into his car before climbing into the driver’s seat and leaving the nightclub in the direction of his apartment, about fifteen minutes away.

“Do you do that often ?” Ryeowook questions in a teasing tone, trying to gauge how much of a player this stranger really is.

“Hm ?”

“Bring strangers back home to fuck,” the boy clarifies.

“No. I usually cut ties after the blowjob,” Jongwoon admits without hesitation.

“Same,” Ryeowook chuckles, amused by the situation. He figures Jongwoon is internally as puzzled by his own behaviour as he is, because it’s really not like either of them to bring things further than they had with someone they barely know.

Ryeowook knows he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but Jongwoon looks like someone he can trust—he’s put together, knows how to carry himself, and has an aura around him that has the voice inside of his head scream that he’d be making a huge mistake if he didn’t follow him home.

Jongwoon wraps his hand around the boy’s knee and gives it a light squeeze before sliding it up his thigh just a tiny bit, a simple touch in appearance but that is enough to send shivers down Ryeowook’s spine. Because fuck, that man is hot, and there’s something about him he can’t really pinpoint that’s just so alluring that for a moment, he couldn’t believe that someone like him would ever want to have anything to do with some college kid like him.

“I suppose you’re special,” Jongwoon states as he pulls up in the parking lot of his apartment block. Ryeowook swears he can hear his own heartbeat the entire way up to Apartment 42, Jongwoon’s, and some unknown sort of _thrill_ buoys up within him.

The door of his place is barely even closed all the way when they decide to close the distance between them; Jongwoon uses Ryeowook’s body to shut it, pushing him against it as their lips collide with each other. The older man makes sure the boy can’t escape his grasp by sliding his knee between his legs and bringing his arms up above his head, pinning them against the wall with his hand while the other rests under the side of Ryeowook’s jaw line.

The way Ryeowook seems so responsive to it makes him groan into the kiss. He presses his body even closer to the boy, sliding his knee even higher until Ryeowook is able to grind on it; Jongwoon can feel just how hard he is, and fuck he wants to see Ryeowook all hot and bothered and begging for release under him so badly.

He lets go of Ryeowook’s wrists to snake his hands around the back of his thighs, lifting him up. Ryeowook secures himself by wrapping his legs around Jongwoon’s waist and his arms around his neck, and without breaking the kiss, lets himself be carried to Jongwoon’s bedroom.

Jongwoon lets him fall on his back on the bed, staying up at the foot of the bed to get rid of his shirt before joining Ryeowook on the mattress, crawling on top of him and kissing him again with as much urgency as before, grinding his hips against Ryeowook’s and making the boy whimper against his lips. And god Jongwoon is so hard already it’s uncomfortable, but he wants to take his time—he wants to make sure Ryeowook doesn’t just want him, but _needs_ him, and he won’t allow himself to be distracted from his goal. He has more self-control than that.

Jongwoon makes quick work of ridding Ryeowook of his shirt too, and the skin-on-skin contact as the older presses their bodies back against each other to start attacking the boy’s neck with openmouthed kisses has Ryeowook wanting more, wanting to be _closer_—he thrusts up against Jongwoon’s hips, seeking more friction, but he realizes he shouldn’t have done that when he hears Jongwoon _growl_ next to his ear.

The next second, the older is biting down on his neck and pinning his hips down into the mattress with a grip so tight Ryeowook is sure he’s going to wake up the next day with bruises littering his body—and yeah, it hurts, but fuck is it arousing, so much so that he can’t even pay attention to the pain even for a second.

Not that he minds it either way. He’s always had a thing for being manhandled and roughed up in bed.

“Jongwoon… ah… _please_…”

Ryeowook feels Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smile against his collarbone.

“Hm ?” the older feigns ignorance, lifting his chin up just enough to look at Ryeowook in the eyes. “Please what, baby ? Tell me. What do you want me to do to you ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t know if it’s the sinister and lusty gleam in Jongwoon’s dark eyes, the sultry and seductive tone of his voice, or the fact that he’s called him _baby_ and asked what _he_ wanted him _to do to him_ that affects him the most, but whatever the answer to that is, it means nothing as far as results are concerned. Ryeowook spills himself all over his boxers, and he’s so embarrassed he wants to merge in with the mattress and disappear.

Ryeowook is by no means a virgin, but his previous sexual experiences have all involved all-talk college frat boys bragging about their sexual exploits and yet delivering a mediocre experience; boring and ordinary at best. Jongwoon is an older man, and Ryeowook can tell he knows what he’s doing, because right now he feels so special—even if he knows it’s only for one night, Jongwoon is somehow able to make him believe he’s the most loved and cared for man on earth, and just that was enough to send his mind into overdrive. He’s never cummed this damn easily before; in fact, he usually has to jerk himself into orgasm even after being fucked senseless, so he has no idea what just happened.

“Did you just..?” Jongwoon trails off, utterly shocked, and Ryeowook wishes he could just die. “Fuck, that’s hot. That’s so fucking hot, baby. Almost makes me want to see how many times I can get you to do that without shoving by cock inside you.”

The look he gets from Ryeowook just then is one of pure _terror_ and Jongwoon has to press his forehead against the blonde’s chest to break the eye contact. He swears if he witnesses it for longer he’s going to lose control, and he can’t allow that to happen.

“Let me.” Jongwoon’s question comes more as a command than anything else, but Ryeowook doesn’t mind. It’s the first time his pleasure is put as a priority, and _god_ is he anxious about what Jongwoon is going to do to him.

Yet, he still nods, moaning a strangled ‘_yes_’ as a response.

Jongwoon chuckles darkly against his skin. Ryeowook thinks his heart’s just stopped beating. All he feels now is Jongwoon’s tongue trailing down his stomach, making the muscles spasm under him. His hips uncontrollably jerk up once the man brushes over the spot right above his belly button and he wishes he wouldn’t have done that because Jongwoon now knows about yet another one of his sweet spots.

And if Ryeowook has figured anything out about the man by then, it’s that he loves to exploit his weaknesses, and that he’s _very_ good at that.

Jongwoon holds his hips down just as strongly as ever, sinking Ryeowook’s body into the bed so much it almost makes it seem like he wants to push him through it, and starts sucking on the skin there until the suction feels so tight it starts to hurt.

Ryeowook absolutely loves it.

He can’t stop himself from bringing his hand down, fingers tangling with Jongwoon’s silver locks—unfortunately for him, it only lasts for a quarter of a second before his hand is slapped away by the man who shoots him a scolding look that makes Ryeowook somehow feel so small he doesn’t know how to handle it.

“Did I tell you you could do that ?” Jongwoon demands. He sounds angry and disappointed, sort of like a parent reprimanding their misbehaving child, and goddammit Ryeowook is hard again. His cock feels sticky inside his pants, completely covered in his earlier release, and it’s so arousing he thinks he might cum again soon, as impossible as it seems.

How Jongwoon is able to get him into such a state with simple words is beyond comprehension to him, but he doesn’t want to ask.

“I— n-no, you didn’t—” Ryeowook stammers, but is immediately cut off by Jongwoon’s deep voice.

“No, I didn’t,” he repeats after him. “Put your hands above your head. Don’t move them until I give you permission. Have I made myself clear ?”

Ryeowook nods, slowly moving his hands up to lay them on the pillow over his head, incapable of doing anything but obey him.

Contented, Jongwoon smirks. “Good boy,” he murmurs against the bruise forming just under his lips, and Ryeowook’s hips move on their own once more—they’re only stopped by Jongwoon’s hard grip. His cock is twitching uncontrollably and he whimpers. He wants nothing more than for Jongwoon to finally get him rid of his clothes constricting him, but he’s afraid to ask anything.

Jongwoon doesn’t seem like the type to surrender control over that easily.

“You make such pretty sounds,” Jongwoon compliments, unbuttoning Ryeowook’s pants too slowly as he keeps littering his lower belly with kisses. “Do I make you feel good, baby ?”

Ryeowook nods, hiding his face in the crook of his own arm in shame. Jongwoon shushes him for doing so.

“Use your words, little one. I want to hear you.”

“Y-yeah…”

“Do you want more ?” Jongwoon edges on, thumb tracing up and down the zipper with just enough pressure to make Ryeowook moan at the friction against his cock.

“Y-yes…”

“Yes, what ? You have to use the magic word when asking someone to do something, weren’t you taught manners ?”

“Please..?”

“There you go,” Jongwoon congratulates, and there’s something so fucking attractive to being belittled in such a way that has Ryeowook’s mind cloud over, and all he feels like doing at the moment is to let Jongwoon do whatever he wants to him—to use him as he pleases, because he wants to surrender.

He wants, and he _needs_ to.

Ryeowook is barely aware of it when Jongwoon gently pulls his pants down to his knees, letting them rest just above, making it hard for the younger to move his legs freely.

A deliberate move on his part, although Ryeowook doesn’t realize it is.

Jongwoon pulls back to kneel over Ryeowook’s legs and takes in the sight of the very obvious bulge in Ryeowook’s neon green boxers as well as the huge wet patch around his crotch. He runs his thumb along the shaft, too lightly for Ryeowook to get any satisfaction out of it. He whines loudly, but Jongwoon pays no attention to it, too busy marvelling over how good Ryeowook looks like that, so small, so tiny, at his complete mercy under him.

Jongwoon thinks he’s never going to get enough of such a wonderful sight.

“So pretty…” the man breathes out. “I wish you could see yourself, baby. How beautiful you look like that, so helpless, so needy for me to do something… I wonder if I should just drag this on a bit longer just to see you like this more.”

“Hng… no… please, please, I need…” Ryeowook blurts out, looking up at Jongwoon with begging, puppy-like eyes.

“Oh, baby…” Jongwoon smirks, trailing his hand away from Ryeowook’s cock and up his body as he bends down, only stopping when his palm wraps around the boy’s throat. He doesn’t apply any pressure, but it’s just enough to deter Ryeowook from trying to move. “Don’t worry, we have all night for me to make you cum over and over.” Jongwoon’s face is now so close to his Ryeowook can feel his breath on his lips. “And trust me, by the end of it, you’ll be begging for me to stop.”

Jongwoon bites down on his lower lip, and Ryeowook is cumming again, barely touched, if at all. Jongwoon tightens his grip around his neck just enough for Ryeowook to feel a difference as he kisses him again, grinding his crotch against the boy’s to ride him through his orgasm.

When Jongwoon breaks away, Ryeowook is trembling under him. The older hooks the boys arms around his neck so he can hold on to something. Jongwoon doesn’t stop grinding against him through all of this—Ryeowook thinks he was right, in the end, because he already feels like begging for him to stop.

But it feels too good for him to gather up the strength to do that.

“How many is that now ?” Jongwoon questions, nibbling on his earlobe.

It takes Ryeowook a moment to figure out what he’s asking him exactly. “T-two..?”

Jongwoon kisses the spot right below his ear as praise for giving him the right answer. “Only thirteen more to go.”

✦ ✦ ✦

When Ryeowook wakes up, his head is spinning so rapidly he doesn’t dare open his eyes, scared of what will happen if he does. He thinks it’s weird, because he doesn’t remember drinking that much the night before. In fact, most of the previous night’s events seem hazy to him.

He tries to concentrate on remembering every detail of what happened, but it’s hard when his mind feels as if it’s floating away somewhere around him, so he decides to focus on what he can feel. He’s in a bed, that he can tell. Is it his ? The musky smell in the air is oddly familiar, but it’s not one he can recognize immediately, so he guesses he’s not home. He’s wearing clothes—he can feel them on his skin. A simple oversized t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

There’s something heavy wrapped around his waist.

And now he remembers.

The handsome stranger he met last night when he went out. Jongwoon, if he recalls properly. Ryeowook freezes. He ponders if it’s better for him to just leave now or wait for Jongwoon to wake up, but he’s worried he’s going to wake him up if he so much as moves an inch. He can feel Jongwoon lying right behind him—he’s so close, and god all Ryeowook wants to do is to push himself closer, because the night Jongwoon made him live through is something he wishes could happen every day.

There’s a knot forming in his stomach at the thought. Ryeowook isn’t stupid. He knows it’s just a one night stand, and it’s not like he knows the man or even has any particular feelings toward him aside from undeniable sexual attraction, but Jongwoon gave him the best goddamn sex he’s ever had without ever pulling his own dick out and he doesn’t believe he’s ever going to experience something like that ever again.

He might as well say goodbye to his sex life because there’s no way he thinks he’ll even be able to enjoy sex anymore.

The only thing he doesn’t remember from last night is how he got dressed, and how his boxers feel so clean when he has the clear picture of them being completely ruined by his own semen after Jongwoon’s made him cum god knows how many times inside of them.

There’s sudden movement in the bed beside him and Ryeowook braces himself for hearing Jongwoon withdrawing and telling him to leave, but neither of those things happen.

Jongwoon groans, stirring out of his slumber, and Ryeowook thinks the sound he made is just adorable. A stark contrast with how he was acting last night, not that he minds it at all. It gives him a different side than the one some sort of sex god that Ryeowook was able to get very well acquainted with last night.

The man scoots closer to him, holding him tighter against his chest as he presses a kiss on the side of Ryeowook’s nape. “Good morning, baby,” Jongwoon mumbles groggily, still most asleep. “Sleep well ?”

“Yeah, very,” Ryeowook admits after a second. “You ?”

Jongwoon continues his attack on Ryeowook’s neck, humming in content. “Like a baby.”

Needless to say, Ryeowook is a bit surprised by Jongwoon’s behaviour. He’s had a few one night stands before with some boys from college, and every time, he was expected to leave either right after the deed was done, or first thing in the morning when they would wake up. This is entirely new to him, but he figures Jongwoon has outgrown the college frat boy mentality.

Ryeowook doesn’t hate it. In fact, he welcomes it, because it feels nice for once to be under the impression that you’re an actual human being in the other’s eyes, and not just another hole to fuck and throw into the curb once you’re done.

Which makes it even more heartbreaking to him in a way, because despite the way Jongwoon’s been treating him this whole time, he’s convinced they’re never going to have the chance to see each other again, and he really doesn’t want to leave.

“Is everything okay ? You look tense,” Jongwoon states. Ryeowook curses himself. _Fuck. _He’s noticed.

Ryeowook twists around in his arms to face him and flashes him a small smile. “Yeah, sorry. All of… _this_… it’s just very new to me,” he tries to explain, not really sure of how to approach the subject. He can almost see the gears going wild in Jongwoon’s mind as he looks at him, trying to decrypt what Ryeowook’s trying to tell him. “Usually people throw me out the minute they wake up,” the boy adds in a nervous laughter.

Jongwoon winces, clearly displeased by what he’s just heard. He almost looks upset for Ryeowook. “What kind of people have you been frequenting ?” he questions, irritated.

“Guys from my college.”

“You deserve better,” Jongwoon immediately replies, smiling at him.

“Well, I’ve definitely found better last night,” Ryeowook chuckles, Jongwoon’s affectionate words and compliments giving him the courage to speak his mind.

“So I take from that that you enjoyed yourself ?” the man teases, cupping Ryeowook’s face in his hands gently, and there it is again—the fog in his mind. It’s come back.

“Hm-hm,” the blonde nods, leaning into Jongwoon’s touch.

“Ah, you’re so cute,” Jongwoon expresses quietly, his heart warming up at the sight of the boy so responsive to the smallest of touches. “Makes me wanna keep you here longer.”

Ryeowook feels so light in that moment that he nearly misses what Jongwoon’s just told him. “Well…” he starts hesitantly. “I feel like I need to pay you back for last night.”

Jongwoon laughs, and for a moment Ryeowook’s heart sinks into his chest—he thinks Jongwoon’s laughing at him, and that he’s going to tell him it _is_ a one-time thing and humiliate him for growing too bold. But, again, Jongwoon does none of that.

“No need for it,” he assures, inching closer to Ryeowook’s face. “I’m a giver.”

Jongwoon pulls the boy in for a deep, passionate kiss—nothing like the ones they’d shared the night prior. No, this one is more affectionate, caring, meaningful, and doesn’t contain any underlining will to take things further. Jongwoon simply wants the proximity, to feel Ryeowook close to him, mentally just as much as physically. However, that doesn’t mean Jongwoon doesn’t want to play with Ryeowook just a bit.

The man has made it very clear to him that he’s a tease. Yet, Ryeowook doesn’t expect it when the older rolls over him as their tongues dance along with each other. The sound he makes at the surprise almost sounds like a moan into the kiss, making Jongwoon hum and push things just a little further by placing his right leg between Ryeowook’s and sliding his knee up until it just barely applies pressure on the boy’s crotch.

Ryeowook still feels overly sensitive from the night before, so he jumps at the contact, breaking their heated exchange in the process.

“Jo-Jongwoon…” Ryeowook pants, unsure if he’s calling the man’s name to get him to stop or encourage him to keep going.

Jongwoon nuzzles his neck and shushes him, running his hand up and down Ryeowook’s inner thigh. “Sshh, baby. Just see this as my little goodbye gift… for now.”

The man’s hand passes over his bulge, cock already hard, but by then Ryeowook has stopped trying to understand how the man can have such an effect on him, so he simply allows himself to enjoy his touch. And Jongwoon has just hinted that there would be more times, so he’d got plenty of time to figure that out, after all.

Without warning, Jongwoon sneaks his hands inside Ryeowook’s boxers, wrapping his fingers around his aching cock, already leaking with precum, and Ryeowook almost cries out at the contact. He’s so sensitive it almost hurts, but shit it feels so good at the same time that he can’t even let that bother him. “Ah, Jongwoon !”

“Hmm…” Jongwoon hums against his pulse on his neck, where he’s been sucking in a hickey for a few minutes now. “I love it when you say my name. Sounds so pretty coming from your mouth.”

Ryeowook repeats it, again and again, as Jongwoon keeps pumping him under his underwear. Jongwoon wishes he could record him. It sounds like music to his hears, and he wants his name to be the only one to come out of Ryeowook’s lips like that. He doesn’t even care that he’s known the boy for a few hours only—he already feels the urge to possess him, to make sure the world knows he owns him, but he doesn’t voice it out loud.

Not yet.

“I love the way your cute little cock feels in my hand,” Jongwoon compliments, groaning into Ryeowook’s ear. “Shit, you’re so hot.”

The boy doesn’t even realize he’s cumming when his orgasm suddenly hits him like a truck. He hasn’t felt it coming at all, and Jongwoon can tell just by the shock on his face.

The man kisses him again to distract him and jerks him through all of it, milking him for all he’s worth, until Ryeowook’s moans turn into near sobs. The older starts kissing him all over his cheeks to soothe him, to let him know he’s there, because he can tell how overwhelmed Ryeowook feels at the moment. His tactic seems to work because the boy quickly eases into his arms and Jongwoon is relieved. “You’re so good, you know that ?” he whispers into his neck and pulls his hand out, fingers covered in cum, once he’s made sure Ryeowook has come back to earth.

Ryeowook tries to catch his breath while Jongwoon stands up, kneeling on the bed with his legs either side of the boy. He brings his slicked fingers up to his mouth and licks them dry under Ryeowook’s fucked out gaze, and shit if that isn’t the hottest thing Ryeowook’s ever seen aside from, _well_, Jongwoon himself, he doesn’t know what it.

“Why did you..?” Ryeowook begins, but he’s unable to finish his sentence for some reason. His head still feels foggy, like his mind has left his body completely, but thankfully for him, Jongwoon seems to have understood what he meant to say.

The man smiles down at him. “I told you, I’m a giver. And if you stick around for longer, you may just get to see every meaning of that word.”

Ryeowook has no idea what Jongwoon means by that, and quite frankly, he’s too scared to even ask. But he wants to see him again, oh, he wants it so badly that the fear and worry seems so benign to him at this point. Jongwoon’s taken such good care of him so far, with no expectations to get anything in return, so the boy decides he has no reason to distrust him.

Even if he doesn’t know anything besides his name, his age, and the fact that he’s had down the best person he’s ever fucked in his life.

“Would you like that ?” Jongwoon asks him and Ryeowook realizes he hasn’t given him an answer yet.

“Yes. Oh god yes, I want that more than anything,” the boy blurts out, afraid Jongwoon might take his silence as a _no_ if he drags it on for longer.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Jongwoon steps away from Ryeowook’s body and lets himself fall on his back on the bed next to him, and they lay there in silence for a couple more minutes as Ryeowook’s breathing goes back to normal.

“Let’s get you washed up,” Jongwoon breaks the silence suddenly, as if he’s read Ryeowook’s mind. He was starting to feel really gross and sticky—he looks down at his crotch and realizes he’s probably got a pair of Jongwoon’s boxers on that are now completely ruined, and he feels bad for a second before he remembers that Jongwoon is the one who made that happen in the first place, so he must not mind. “Unless you want to go home with your underwear like that.”

Ryeowook shakes his head no and Jongwoon helps him up, guiding him to the bathroom because Ryeowook has no idea where it is as he hasn’t really had the chance to even see what his apartment looks like when they came in last night. He gets to see a bit more on his way there; it’s very modern, mostly black and white, with some red accents through things like the cushions on the couch in the living room and the paintings on the walls.

He mostly notices that it’s quite big for someone who lives alone.

_And that everything looks brand new and expensive._

Ryeowook feels uncomfortable to ask about it, though, and he doesn’t have the time to either because they’ve reached the bathroom by the time the boy realizes Jongwoon must be very well-off when it comes to finances.

Jongwoon pulls out a towel from the cabinet on the side of the room opposite the sink and gets it on the black marble countertop close to the shower. He then gets the water running, waiting for it to warm up before signalling to Ryeowook that he’s good to go.

“I’ll go get your clothes from the bedroom and give you another pair,” he announces, pointing at the pair of boxers he’s wearing. “I’ll be right back. Suit yourself.”

Ryeowook nods and watches as Jongwoon leaves before he starts undressing himself. There’s cum all over his crotch, half-dried up and incredibly sticky, but there’s something he finds weirdly endearing about it for some strange reason.

He jokingly tells himself Jongwoon must have rewired his brain to be attracted to everything he does before stepping into the shower, enjoying the feeling of the warm water running over his skin. He half-expects Jongwoon to join him, but turns out he isn’t even aware of him walking back into the room to deliver his clothes—they simply were there, neatly folded next to the towel Jongwoon got out for him, when he steps out.

It makes him smile.

When he’s out of the bathroom, he finds Jongwoon standing in the living room, already dressed, with his phone—_Ryeowook’s phone_—in his hand, typing away, but Ryeowook doesn’t have time to ask anything before Jongwoon essentially reads his mind again and beats him to it.

“You need my number to call me, don’t you ?” the man teases, as if to mock Ryeowook for thinking he was just snooping around his phone like a creep. “Cute wallpaper, by the way. Are they your friends ?”

Ryeowook squints. Jongwoon is definitely a strange character, he realizes, as if he doesn’t know what shame is. Ryeowook doesn’t really mind, but he’s surprised nonetheless. He hasn’t met many people like him before, if any, but he figures it makes Jongwoon all the more special. And it’s not like he’s gone through his gallery to find the picture he’s talking about. It was literally the first thing you saw when you pick up his phone.

“Huh, yeah. My roommates. We’ve been friends since middle school.”

Jongwoon hands him back his phone, his contact page still open for Ryeowook to see. It simply states his name and phone number, but seeing it just makes everything so much realer for Ryeowook, and he feels the butterflies in his stomach go crazy.

“Is one of them Sungmin ?” Jongwoon adds, and now Ryeowook is freaking out. “Don’t worry, I didn’t go through your phone. I saw the texts pop up at the top while I was typing my number in. I didn’t purposely read them, but I think he’s worried you died somewhere.”

“You say that like me dying isn’t a big deal,” Ryeowook retorts, opening up his text messages to see what Sungmin had sent him.

“It is, except you’re there with me, so I know you’re not dead.”

“You’re very strange, you know that ?”

“And you should choose a password for your phone,” Jongwoon quips, smirking in amusement. “Come on, I’ll drop you off at your place. You can tell Sungmin you were in… very good hands.”

Jongwoon wiggles his eyebrows overdramatically, and it earns him a slap on the chest from the back of Ryeowook’s hand. Jongwoon acts fake hurt for a second before he goes back to his teasing.

“Feisty. I like it.”

“I’m going to block your number before I even call you back,” Ryeowook threatens, trying to contain his laughter, because never in a million years would he have imagined Jongwoon would be so… unapologetically goofy outside of the bedroom, especially not after the night they shared together. He loves it.

Jongwoon steps forward, towering over him easily, and rests his hands on Ryeowook’s hips to bring him closer.

“Oh, you see, that… I doubt you’d be able to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Here are the important things to know about this story. It contains very heavy BDSM content, so read at your own discretion. For now, though, things stay relatively normal (which might disappoint those who [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/yewookfics) and saw me tweet updates about it), but there's a reason for that. Ryeowook isn't used to the lifestyle, so it would be very unsafe and honestly very creepy for Jongwoon to just pick him up from a random bar and immediately be like "alright lemme flog you" because that's not how it works, no matter how many fanfictions told you it does. They need to build trust and discuss things first before doing anything, and no matter how... out there Jongwoon's character seems to be, he's not a dick, and the last thing he wants is to hurt and traumatize Ryeowook.
> 
> Oh, yeah. If age gaps and innocence kinks gross you out, don't read this story. Jongwoon's not a pervert attracted to minors, and he makes this very clear, but he does have a thing for younger, innocent-looking men. The age gap between he and Ryeowook is 9 years.
> 
> Also, this story does have some plot, but most of it revolves around smut, so don't expect a riveting romance story where characters take you on a journey across the world, because that's really not what this is about. It's not a story with smut, it's smut with a story.
> 
> Anyway. The best is yet to come, ahah
> 
> -Anli


	2. Pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *claps hands* Alright ! This chapter has a bit more plot than the first one, because you can't make a story progress with just smut, right ? It's still supposed to be mainly that, though, so it's a, hum... "design choice" to add sex scenes as some sort of filler between important events in the story.
> 
> Please remember that if you see stupid mistakes, it's most likely because English isn't my first language, so please don't be too harsh, ahah
> 
> Before I let you proceed to the chapter, I've gotten a few comments asking me about my update schedule, to which I honestly have no answer for. It depends on how much time I've got to write and how inspired I am. The best way to stay up to date is to follow me on Twitter [@domjwoon](https://twitter.com/domjwoon) where you can also follow the writing process and get regular updates on the progress I'm making.
> 
> I hope you enjoy !

Jongwoon’s lap is probably his favourite place to be, Ryeowook decides six weeks into… whatever relationship they have. The boy can’t really tell, because despite how much sex they have—to the point where he’s questioned, once, if it were actually healthy—Jongwoon really doesn’t feel like a friend with benefits. Unless taking him out on fancy dates is part of the usual deal, but Ryeowook doubts it. Jongwoon is an enigma; it seems as though he has two completely distinct personalities. There’s the goofy, sort of quirky Kim Jongwoon who tells horribly embarrassing jokes Ryeowook somehow still finds funny that the boy has grown very fond of, and then there’s the Jongwoon sitting under him in this moment, lips latched onto his neck biting into his flesh, marking him, that makes Ryeowook go absolutely crazy. And, quite frankly, he doesn’t know which one he prefers.

Ryeowook starts grinding his hips down against his, looking for any kind of friction—when Jongwoon’s grip tightens on his hips, the boy half expects the older to stop him; he’s pleasantly surprised when Jongwoon pushes him down harder against him instead, groaning against his throat as Ryeowook moans into his ear.

“Jongwoon,” Ryeowook stops him, half whimpering and panting heavily. “Are you sure you don’t want to go inside instead..?”

The man freezes in place, thinking about Ryeowook’s question for a moment. They’re in Jongwoon’s car, sitting on the driver’s seat, on the street right in front of Ryeowook’s apartment complex—anyone could walk or drive by at any moment and see them, and he gets where Ryeowook is coming from. Except he doesn’t care.

“I’m fine here,” he growls, waiting for Ryeowook’s response before he starts moving again. “If anyone passes by, we’ll let them enjoy the show.”

The blonde’s cock twitches in his pants at Jongwoon’s words, because _fuck_, it’s hot. Ryeowook would’ve never thought that the thrill of being walked on could be so exciting, nor that the idea of someone watching how good Jongwoon is fucking him could be so arousing. Jongwoon is making him discover new kinks he never knew he had, and Ryeowook loves it.

He loves it so much, in fact, that the prospect of having sex with anyone else but him is now a complete turn off, no matter how attractive the other may be.

“I’ll be quick,” Jongwoon promises, running his palm over the bulge in Ryeowook’s pants. “I just can’t let you go home like that when you look so fucking good.” Jongwoon pulls back, eyes boring into Ryeowook’s, seeking approval. He gets it in the form of the boy bucking his hips against his hands, forehead coming down to rest on his shoulder, and he smiles darkly. “Looks like my little boy is eager too, huh ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t know what it is about Jongwoon calling him his little boy that gets him riled up so much, because he swears it would have the same effect as a cold shower coming from anyone else; he just knows it has his head spinning, and he’s nodding against Jongwoon’s body in agreement. “Please, just _touch_ me.”

Jongwoon chuckles and tugs Ryeowook by the hair at the back of his head, lifting him up so he’s forced to look at him. The sting is just light enough to be on the verge of painful and pleasurable, and Ryeowook feels like he’s floating again. That feeling of complete abandon Jongwoon makes him feel every time is addicting.

“Oh, and he’s making demands now,” Jongwoon teases, amused. He toys with the button of Ryeowook’s pants, pulling on the waistband ever so slightly, making the boy grow more impatient. He then bring his right hand up, trailing his thumb over Ryeowook’s lips. The younger is quick to catch on and takes it into his mouth, sucking on it as Jongwoon looks at him fondly. “Hm, alright. I’ll let that slide for this once because you’re such a good boy.”

Ryeowook hums in content around Jongwoon’s thumb before the man pulls it out to replace it with his lips, bringing the younger down into a kiss, distracting him as he unzips his pants and slides his hands under the garment, cupping the smaller boy’s ass over his boxers. Ryeowook moans into the kiss when Jongwoon uses it as leverage to grind their crotch together, the restriction from the stiffness of his jeans now gone.

The older palms Ryeowook through his boxers, making the boy grind harder against him and moan louder, although the latter are muffled by Jongwoon’s lips on his and their tongues dancing with each other.

When Jongwoon is about to tug Ryeowook’s underwear down, the boy stops him, panting. “W-wait. I wanna make you feel good too.”

“You do ?” Jongwoon feigns surprise.

Ryeowook bites his lower lip. “Hm-hm,” he nods, shifting back just a bit so he’s able to undo Jongwoon’s belt buckle and undress him the same as he is, with his pants just low enough to allow him easy access to his swollen cock. “You’re always the one who’s taking care of me,” he adds shyly. The way Jongwoon looks at him, like he’s a prey about to be devoured, yet somehow tender at the same time, is intimidating. “I want you to get something out of it too this time.”

Ryeowook isn’t wrong. Jongwoon wasn’t kidding when he told him he’s a giver, because the number of times he’s pleasured Ryeowook into orgasm without even caring about his own needs far outweighs the number of times it’s been the opposite. They’ve kept it to handjobs and blowjobs until then, and Ryeowook guesses Jongwoon has a reason for not taking things further, but he doesn’t want to get inside his house leaving Jongwoon hard and untouched again. Not this time, no matter what Jongwoon tells him.

Luckily for him, the man doesn’t seem opposed to it at all. He knows Jongwoon is being lenient right now, because he’s learned that there are consequences whenever he tries to take the lead without Jongwoon’s permission. This time, there is none, and he’s not about to pass on this opportunity to show Jongwoon he can also _give_.

“What do you want to do, baby ?” Jongwoon questions, teasing and amused expression unchanging even as Ryeowook traces the outline of his cock through the fabric and god, it feels good.

“Wanna suck you off,” Ryeowook states cutely, knowing how much of an effect it has on Jongwoon.

“Oh, that’s right. You can cum just from that, can’t you ?” Jongwoon recalls and Ryeowook nods proudly. He used to be embarrassed by this before, but Jongwoon’s so into it that he no longer feels that way. At least, not with him. “You got enough space down there ?”

Ryeowook looks back at the tight space under the steering wheel Jongwoon is referring to. They’ve pulled back the seat as far as it can go, and Ryeowook is worried he might accidentally press on the gas pedal, but he figures it’s not that big of a deal if it happens since the engine isn’t running. “I think so.”

Ryeowook crawls down carefully, not wanting to hit his head on the wheel, and manages to fit into the space there nicely relatively easily. “You have no idea how pretty you look on your knees like that,” Jongwoon breathes, bending forward slightly to cup Ryeowook’s face in his hands gently. “Why don’t you take that cute little cock of yours out for me, huh ? I wanna see you come undone as you suck mine.”

Ryeowook can only nod as he obeys, pulling his boxers down to join his pants mid-thigh. Jongwoon lets go of him to sit back into the seat, patiently waiting for Ryeowook to get ready as he takes his own cock out, already hard and leaking, and Ryeowook swallows hard at the sight. It seems he’ll never get used to Jongwoon’s size, and he knows from experience that it’s hard to take, but he wants nothing more than to have his throat fucked out and abused by him, because holy shit, the feeling of having him in his mouth is too blissful to pass on it.

“Come on, baby. You’ve done it before,” Jongwoon encourages, noticing the flash of anxiety washing through Ryeowook’s features. “You can take it.”

Ryeowook shuffles closer, reaching out to take a hold of Jongwoon’s shaft and line it with his mouth. He wraps his lips around the tip, jerking him off with his hand, and he hears the older hiss in pleasure when he swirls his tongue around the sensitive head. Feeling encouraged, Ryeowook slowly sinks down, inch by inch, hollowing his cheeks to make the fit tighter and he goes.

Ryeowook feels so nice and wet around him that Jongwoon can’t help but groan—the way the boy seems to know exactly where to lick and suck and play with his balls making him go crazy. He buries a hand in Ryeowook’s blonde locks when he picks up the pace, guiding him up and down and forcing him just a little lower than Ryeowook would’ve on his own until he hears the boy gag each time. Not that Ryeowook is complaining, because he loves it, loves being used in such a way by Jongwoon, and to surrender control to him. Knowing that Jongwoon can get pleasure from his little body makes him incredibly happy, and he feels complete, like he was accomplishing the purpose for which he was born, so when the tip of Jongwoon’s cock hits the back of his throat forcefully, he does nothing but moan in content.

“You like it when I fuck your pretty little throat like that, don’t you ?”

Ryeowook hums his agreement, unable to talk, and he keeps letting Jongwoon use him as he sucks hard, wanting to make him cum as quickly as possible. He feels close, too, the raspiness of Jongwoon’s voice and his deep, low growls sending electric currents straight to his leaking cock.

“You’re so good, baby,” Jongwoon hisses, looking down at the boy and bringing his other hand up to feel the edges of his cock pressing against Ryeowook’s cheek. “I’m gonna fill you up with my cum.”

Ryeowook is the first to be sent over the edge when Jongwoon starts picking up the pace, his murmured praises of how good he feels and how well he’s doing being the last drop to make him tip over, and he spills himself all over the bottom of the car. Jongwoon curses at the sight, pulling Ryeowook back until just the tip remains inside of him as he follows suit, letting Ryeowook taste him and milk him for all he’s worth, before he finally pulls out.

“Open up, baby. I wanna see,” he demands after he takes a short break to catch his breath, tilting Ryeowook’s chin up to look at him. Ryeowook does as he’s asked, proudly showing off to Jongwoon that _yes, he’s swallowed all of it_, which makes the man smile fondly at him. “Good boy.”

Jongwoon pats his thigh, inviting Ryeowook to climb back up on his lap, tucking himself back into his pants as the boy does so. He helps Ryeowook zip his pants back up and they share a languid kiss, holding each other as close as possible.

“Tonight was fun,” Ryeowook admits when they break apart. “I’m not just talking about the blowjob part.”

Both men chuckle at the statement. Jongwoon pecks Ryeowook’s lips. “I’m glad you had fun,” he hums, unable to keep his hands off of Ryeowook’s thighs. Part of him doesn’t want to let the boy go, but he’s got something planned with his friends in about an hour from now, so he knows he doesn’t have a choice. “You’re still coming over this weekend ?”

“Of course,” Ryeowook exclaims, surprised Jongwoon even felt like he had to double-check.

“Good. I’m excited.” Jongwoon reconnects their lips shortly one last time before he helps Ryeowook out of the car and bids him goodbye, staying behind to watch him disappear inside the building before climbing back into his car and driving off to meet up with his friends at a quiet bar downtown for a drink.

It wasn’t very late, only about 10PM, but Ryeowook expected his roommates to be asleep, or at least in their room when he walked in. Instead, he’s greeted by a shit-eating grin carved on Kyuhyun’s face, who seems to have been waiting for him in the living room with Sungmin for at least a little while, and he knows the interrogation period is about to begin.

“Dude’s got a nice car,” Kyuhyun throws, breaking the awkward silence. “Took you a long time to get out of it, so I had plenty of time to admire it.”

Ryeowook can feel himself turning into a tomato, face flushed and heated. Does Kyuhyun know..?

“You’ve been going out a lot recently,” Sungmin changes the subject to Ryeowook’s relief. “Are you seeing someone ?”

“I, huh… Yeah,” Ryeowook admits bashfully. “For about six weeks now.”

“Wait, for real ?” Sungmin exclaims, surprised. He knew Ryeowook had a tendency to hook up with people when he went out, so he half-expected it to be a different person each time. “Why didn't you tell us ?”

“I don’t know. I guess I wanted to see if it would last ?”

“Aw, baby Ryeonggu is a grown man now,” Kyuhyun coos mockingly, coming up to him to ruffle his hair and give him a hug.

“I’m not a baby,” Ryeowook protests, trying to wriggle away from his friend’s hold. Ironic, since two minutes prior he had absolutely no problem being called that. But Jongwoon is special.

“Is it someone from college ?” Sungmin questions further.

“Oh, no. No. I met him in a… nightclub,” Ryeowook replies, realizing mid-sentence that the circumstances that brought them together sounded very strange.

Sungmin frowns. “What’s his name ? What does he do for a living ?”

“Kim Jongwoon,” the blonde states before his confidence is crushed when he realizes he has no idea what Jongwoon’s job is. He’s never really asked and Jongwoon’s never mentioned it. He just knows he has a lot of money, if the dates in fancy restaurants and everything in his giant apartment can serve as proof. “I— I’m not sure about what he does for a living.”

“Dude seems to be well off, though. BMWs aren’t exactly cheap, especially not a new model like he has,” Kyuhyun chimes in, coming in to Ryeowook’s rescue.

“So you’re telling me you’ve been seeing this guy for a month and a half and you don’t know what job he does ?” Sungmin inquires, growing increasingly worried.

“It just never came up,” Ryeowook defends. “We talk about other things, like our interests. He asks a lot of questions about my major. I never thought of asking him about his job and he never brought it up.”

“You should ask him,” Kyuhyun advised. “Maybe the dude is in the mafia or something and that’s why he doesn’t tell you.”

“What the hell, Kyuhyun ?” Ryeowook scolds. “He’s not in the mafia. That’s exaggerated.”

“How do you know ?” his friend pushes and Ryeowook mentally curses him because he can’t come up with a good comeback. _‘He doesn’t look like someone in the mafia’_ doesn’t sound like a good counter argument to him, even though he’s convinced he’s really not the case.

“I’ll ask him tomorrow,” Ryeowook concedes, pouting. “I’m spending the weekend over at his place.”

“What ?” Sungmin nearly chokes.

“What ?” Ryeowook repeats, confused by his friend’s reaction. “What’s wrong with that ?”

Sungmin bites the inside of his cheek, something he does when he’s nervous. “Nothing, really, I guess I’m just… a bit worried. I don’t want you to end up hurt.”

“I’m not gonna get hurt, Sungmin,” the younger assures. “He’s a good guy. You can trust me on that. He’s respectful and sweet, and he takes good care of me—”

“That means the sex is good,” Kyuhyun cuts in, making Ryeowook blush even more than he already was. His friend is right, but it’s not something the blonde necessarily wishes to talk about with his friends, especially since his and Jongwoon’s sex life isn’t exactly what most people are used to. At least, he doesn’t think so, if he relies on his own experiences. Not that it’s completely out there and unheard of, but it’s unusual, and he doesn’t really want to bring up the subject of how much he loves being ordered around in bed—especially not with Kyuhyun, because he knows the guy will never let him live it down.

“You think ?” Sungmin jumps in to Ryeowook’s surprise, because his older friend isn’t usually the type to embark in Kyuhyun’s shenanigans—he usually ignores them completely.

“You know what ? I’m getting tired and I have class early tomorrow,” Ryeowook announces, wanting to avoid that subject as much as possible. And it’s not like he was exactly lying about it either. “I’m gonna go to bed. Good night.”

Ryeowook doesn’t let his friends time to come back with some clever retort before he’s off to bed, wishing to just hide under the covers forever because he knows this conversation isn’t over and Kyuhyun is most likely going to pick it up tomorrow morning when they leave for college.

Before he dozes off, though, he picks up his phone to wish Jongwoon good night—he doesn’t know what got into him, because it’s the first time he does it on his own. Usually, it happens when they’re already having an exchange and Jongwoon tells him he should go to sleep, but this time, it’s completely on his own accord.

Jongwoon is absent-mindedly staring at his still half full bottle of beer in his hands when his phone buzzes. His friends are chit-chatting within themselves and he’s not really paying attention to anything they’re saying, so he decides he might as well check up on it. Maybe it’s something important.

From : Wookie  🤗

I’m off to bed, but I wanted to say good night before I fell asleep.

I hope you’re having fun with your friends. I already miss you  💞

Jongwoon smiles down at his phone despite himself. He thinks it’s cute that Ryeowook thought of him that way, and it definitely brightens up his mood—despite being surrounded by his friends, he’s got a lot on his mind at the moment, so a small but meaningful gesture such as this is definitely welcome.

To : Wookie  🤗

It’s so sweet to think of me. Sleep well, baby.

I hope you dream of me  😘 I can’t wait to see you tomorrow

“Oi, Jongwoon,” he hears his oldest friend, Heechul, call out to him. “Why are you smiling at your phone like that ?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” Jongwoon retorts, harsher than he intended to. Heechul raises his hands up in surrender as a silent way of telling him to chill. “Sorry. I’m just not really all there right now.”

“Yeah, we noticed,” his younger friend, Youngwoon, laughs. “What’s up ?”

“I’m meeting up with Jungsoo tomorrow.”

“Your editor ?” the last one of his friends, Heechul’s boyfriend, Geng, checks.

“Yup,” Jongwoon slurs, as if just mentioning his title disgusted him.

“Did you release a new book like a month ago ?” Geng inquires. “Why so soon ?”

“Beats me,” Jongwoon shrugs, taking a sip of his beer. “I’m guessing that fuckwit Lee Sooman saw the sales and wants to profit off of the fact that I ended it on a cliffhanger to ask for a sequel or some shit.”

“You really sound hyped about it,” Heechul states, sparing no effort into trying to conceal his obvious sarcasm.

“Yeah, I’m totally hyped about writing a sequel for a book I fucking hate,” Jongwoon plays along, downing the rest of his glass in one go. “I’m gonna need more alcohol than that.”

“What do you mean ‘hate’ ?” Youngwoon questions, worried about his friend’s current state.

“I’m not proud of it,” Jongwoon admits. “I don’t understand why people like it so much. It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever written, and I’m counting the stories I would write in elementary school when I was bored in class.”

“I didn’t think it was that bad,” Geng cheers, but it falls on deaf ears. “I enjoyed it and it’s not usually my cup of tea.”

“I don’t know. I know I could’ve done much better. It feels like I’ve lost touch with writing after _The Darkening_. I guess this is what I get for trying to write a fantasy story rather than my usual paranormal horror style. I’m better with thrillers and scary stuff. _The Stolen Souls_ is too… fairy tale like, if that makes sense.”

“At least you made bank with it,” Heechul laughs, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jongwoon concedes, a small chuckle escaping his lips. “I’m gonna get a glass of something stronger. Anyone want anything ?”

Jongwoon is met with a unanimous ‘no’ from his three friends, each of them saying they’ll go in a bit, and Jongwoon is off to the bar to order himself a bottle of soju, fully intending on drinking it all by himself—he secretly hopes he gets drunk enough that he either sleeps through his alarm in the morning and misses the meeting because of his hangover or drinks so much he’s still completely hammered during it. Either way, he’s pretty sure going in sober is a bad idea. The soju is a good start.

He’s waiting for the bartender to finish serving another customer when he’s accosted by someone—cute guy, probably early twenties, dark hair framing his baby face. He’s cute, and definitely Jongwoon’s type, but for some reason Jongwoon doesn’t feel like taking a second look. Or to even listen to what he has to say, and he does feel bad about that one. All he’s retained is that the guy’s name is Kibum and him asking something along the lines of him being attractive. Yep, this boy is definitely hitting on him.

“Look, Kibum,” Jongwoon cuts him off when the boy asks for his name. “You’re really cute, and I mean it, but I’m not looking for someone at the moment. Sorry.”

“Oh, no, _I’m_ sorry. That’s totally cool man, thanks for not leading me on,” Kibum smiles and pats Jongwoon’s shoulder as he leaves, and Jongwoon mentally applauds the guy for taking rejection like a champion. He has to admit he was somewhat scared of his reaction, because he’s seen people literally go nuts after he’s turned them down—especially when they would flirt all night and take things to the next level like he’s done with Ryeowook only to decline their invitation to go home with them.

Ryeowook truly was his exception to the rule, he realizes. Jongwoon knew exactly why—he was naturally submissive, so small and fragile, and so innocent-looking Jongwoon couldn’t help but fantasize about all the ways he could ruin him completely. Ryeowook was everything he looked for in a partner, at least sexually speaking, and especially now that he’s gotten to know the boy a bit better, he knows with absolute certainty he would’ve made the biggest mistake of his life to cut ties and leave the club without him.

The bartender hands him the bottle of soju he’s ordered, finally, and he snaps back to reality. He thanks the guy behind the counter and leaves to join his friends again, realizing they’re all watching him with suspicious eyes for some reason.

“What ?” he asks, having absolutely no clue why his friends are acting this way.

“That guy at the bar was flirting with you,” Youngwoon explains, but it only adds on to Jongwoon’s confusion. “And you… let him down ?”

“Yeah, so ?”

“That guy was totally your type, Jongwoon,” Heechul deadpans. “I’ve never seen you reject someone like that, boys night out or not. At least not since— oh god, please tell me you’re not thinking of getting back together with him.”

Jongwoon winces at Heechul’s accusations. There was absolutely no way he would ever do that, under any circumstances. “Oh Jesus no,” he refutes, offended. “That’s never gonna happen.”

“What is it, then ?” Heechul pushes, trying to figure out why he’s acting so out of character all of a sudden.

“You’re seeing someone, aren’t you ?” Geng guesses, and their two other friends gasp loudly in surprise.

“Wait, for real ? Jongwoon, you better not bullshit us on this,” Heechul threatens. “Since when ?”

“Okay, first of all, calm down. It’s not that serious, okay ? We’re just seeing each other. Mostly to fuck. We’re not exclusive yet.”

“Yet,” Heechul snickers. “Seems like you’re more exclusive than you think. You rejected someone that was totally your type like, two minutes ago.”

“Was it the reason you were giggling to yourself like an idiot earlier when you were texting someone ?” Youngwoon adds, and it seems to make sense to the others. “Jongwoon’s in love, guys.”

“Woah, can you please chill a bit ? It hasn’t even been two months yet. It’s too early to talk about love,” Jongwoon awkwardly tries to defend himself, but his friends’ accusations make him fluster.

“Oh my god, he’s totally in love,” Heechul teases him, which earns him a slap on the back of the head courtesy of Jongwoon himself. “Ow.”

“I’m totally gonna need to get hammered tonight,” Jongwoon mumbles to himself, pouring himself the first of many—too many—glasses of soju.

As planned, the next morning, he sleeps through his alarm. He has no recollection of how he got home last night and he’s under the impression that a marching band lives inside his head. He can feel his pulse on his temples, and even the incessant buzzing of his phone makes him want to throw it against the wall.

Oh shit. Someone’s calling him. More specifically, _Jungsoo_ is calling him, and Jongwoon guesses the man must be absolutely frantic on the other side of the line.

He expects the man to start screaming at him the minute he picks up, so as a precautionary measure, he keeps the phone away from his ear as he accepts the call. Exactly as he predicted, Jungsoo is yelling, audibly angry at his absence, and Jongwoon contemplates hanging up on him without a warning.

“Where the hell are you ?” Jungsoo spits angrily.

“Overslept,” Jongwoon slurs, voice hoarse from the alcohol burning his throat, and he curses under his breath because shit, even talking hurts like a bitch. “M’sick.”

“You sound fucking drunk.”

“Same thing.”

“Jesus Christ, Jongwoon,” Jungsoo scolds, clearly unamused. “Can you be a responsible adult for once ? This meeting was important.”

“Let me guess : old man Lee Sooman has come up with yet another plan to make money off of my name.”

There’s silence on the other side of the line, confirming his suspicions. Jongwoon sighs, rubbing the sleep out of his face with his free hand. God, he wants nothing more than to die in this moment. He almost regrets drinking so much.

“Called it.”

“Look, Jongwoon,” Jungsoo sighs, voice softer. “You can’t deny that your last book was a commercial success. You’ve left it on a cliffhanger, and—”

“The son of a bitch wants me to write a sequel, doesn’t he ?”

“He thinks it’s in your best interests,” Jungsoo argues, knowing full well that Jongwoon won’t be too pleased with this idea.

“My interests or his ? There’s a difference. He knows he could slap my pen name on a book about bird poop and still make money out of it.”

“You’ll make money off of royalties, too, you know,” Jungsoo reminds him.

Jongwoon chuckles in irony, slowly growing more frustrated by the minute.

“It’s always about the money, isn’t it ? Sooman’s tainting on you. He doesn’t have any consideration for what _I_ want, does he ?”

“I get that you’re angry, but please consider—”

“Angry ?” Jongwoon repeats, voice completely flat and cold as ice. “Oh, no, I’m not angry. I’m fucking furious, Jungsoo. He’s asking me to write a sequel for a book I hate with all my guts just so he can cash in on my name, because _Yesung_ is what signs his fucking pay checks every week, and that’s all he ever sees. He’s gonna have me spend countless sleeping nights working on something I hate with my entire fucking being just because the first part was a hit, somehow. I’m not gonna do that. That sequel is never going to fucking happen, ever.”

“What am I supposed to tell him, then..? You know he’s gonna be on my ass and get me to harass you until you give in.”

“Tell him that he can shove that project up his ass,” Jongwoon spits. “And that I can bring the lube if he needs it.”

Without letting Jungsoo say another word, and without saying goodbye, Jongwoon hangs up and decides to block Jungsoo’s number temporarily—at least for the day—because he knows his editor is going to try to call back at some point, and he’s really not in the mood to hear more nagging. Ryeowook is coming home in the late afternoon, and he doesn’t want to greet him in a bad mood, because the boy has nothing to do with the mess he finds himself in at the moment.

He shocks himself when he realizes he wants Ryeowook to be there right now, but he’s most likely in class at the moment. Jongwoon doesn’t know the time at which he gets off, but given Ryeowook’s told him he’d be there by three, he figures it’s around early afternoon, and it’s still morning now. The thought of having to wait for five more hours sounds extremely unappealing to him.

He looks down at his phone, wondering if he can subtly ask Ryeowook to come in earlier, and ultimately decides he’s got nothing to lose at this point.

To : Wookie  🤗

1106\. That’s the code to my door

Let yourself in, I’ll be waiting for you  😘

Still, Jongwoon hesitates for a moment before sending the text—he’s about to give his personal key code to unlock the door to his place to Ryeowook, but he trusts him, so he does it in the end with no immediate regret.

3PM arrives faster than he anticipated, especially since he was looking forward to it and spent the whole time doing boring chores, including going grocery shopping, because Ryeowook had a passion for cooking and the boy had promised that he would cook for him, and he had looked so excited about it Jongwoon just couldn’t refuse, even if his instincts screamed at him that he should be the one taking care of the boy and not the other way around. Ryeowook’s happiness came first to him, so he had managed to put those thoughts aside this time. 

He’s just about to finish putting the groceries away when he hears the door open, and he peaks his head around the corner of the room to greet Ryeowook as he’s kicking off his shoes, and the boy is quick to join him in the kitchen. Jongwoon immediately embraces him, feeling himself relax instantly as Ryeowook wraps his arms around him and holds him just as tightly as he does, and Jongwoon thinks it’s crazy that he’s missed him this much even though they saw each other not even twenty-four hours ago.

“How was your day ?” Jongwoon asks him, refusing to let him go just yet. Ryeowook doesn’t protest.

“It was okay,” Ryeowook chuckles, because despite nothing eventful happening, he still attended class, and in an ideal world he would’ve rather not. “You ?”

“Great now that you’re here,” Jongwoon absent-mindedly replies despite himself.

“Did something go wrong ?” Ryeowook checks up on him, lifting his chin up to look at the man’s face.

“Just work stuff. Don’t worry, it’s nothing important. I just had an argument with my editor over the phone this morning—”

“Editor ?” Ryeowook repeats, surprised. “You’re a writer ?”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess I never told you ? My bad.” Jongwoon feels genuinely sorry for overlooking this information, but he was never the type to go around and brag about his success with people. He chose a pen name for a reason, after all.

Ryeowook looks up at him with curious eyes, a million questions popping inside his head. Jongwoon doesn’t really feel like talking about it, though, given the earlier events, so he bends down to kiss Ryeowook before he can ask anything.

“I’ll tell you about it later, if you want,” he whispers against his lips before connecting them again, but for a shorter kiss this time.

Ryeowook nods, understanding, and Jongwoon smiles brightly against his lips as he lightly bites down on his lower lip. Ryeowook’s legs feel like mush, and more questions appear in his mind, this time about how Jongwoon can have such an effect on him from such simple gestures, but again, he doesn’t want to ask.

“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you,” Jongwoon confesses. “Oh, by the way. I bought everything you asked me to buy at the grocery store. I’m curious to see what you’ll be making us.”

“Oh, yeah, right. I should probably start now because I need to prepare things in advance.”

“The kitchen is all yours, baby.”

Turns out Ryeowook took that statement quite literally, because the first thing he does is to kick Jongwoon out of it—well, to tell him he can stay but that he needs to stay seated at the island counter, but to Jongwoon, it’s practically the same thing—and ask him not to interfere.

Which wasn’t exactly a challenge for the first thirty minutes, but once that mark was crossed, Jongwoon found it increasingly harder to fight the urge of bending Ryeowook over the counter and fucking him on the spot, because shit, seeing him so focused and knowing he’s cooking dinner _for him_ is fucking hot—Ryeowook is fucking hot, and keeping his hands to himself when he’s _right there_ a few feet away from him slowly begins to feel like torture.

Jongwoon waits until Ryeowook gets busy mixing the ingredients for the marinade to approach him from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder, trying to figure out what Ryeowook is preparing.

“Jongwoon,” Ryeowook nags, trying to sound annoyed but failing miserably.

Jongwoon leaves a kiss on the underside of his jaw, acting innocent. “Just pretend I’m not there.”

“Easier said than done,” Ryeowook rolls his eyes. “You’re very distracting.”

“Isn’t every chef supposed to be able to stay focused no matter what happens ?”

“Normally chefs don’t have a stupidly attractive man attached to their hip,” Ryeowook throws back, trying his best to keep working despite Jongwoon attempting to leave a trail of hickeys down the side of his neck. “Jongwoon—” 

“Sshh, baby. Just try to focus.”

Even try is a big word, because Jongwoon has no qualms about making things escalate further. Ryeowook thanks the universe that he’s not trying to perform a dangerous task involving knives or open fire, because soon Jongwoon’s hands are unzipping his pants and pulling his cock out, forcing Ryeowook to stop what he’s doing to hold himself up against the counter.

“Hey,” Jongwoon warns, jerking him off at an excruciatingly slow pace. It drives Ryeowook crazy. “Did I tell you to stop ?”

“Hng… m’sorry,” Ryeowook whines, trying to resume the marinade, but he nearly drops the table spoon of chilli powder all over the counter when his hands start trembling from pleasure. “It’s really hard.”

“You’re doing well so far,” Jongwoon praises, his body pressed so flush against Ryeowook he can feels the vibrations of his voice against his back. “Keep going.”

Ryeowook hopes Jongwoon picks up the pace, but unfortunately, he never does. The build up is horribly slow, and the fact that he’s completely trapped between the counter and Jongwoon’s body makes it impossible for him to move on to different tasks once he’s done with this one. He’s panting and moaning uncontrollably, ebbing Jongwoon to just keep going, because fuck he loves hearing Ryeowook make those sounds more than anything else in the world.

“Your little cock is twitching in my hand,” Jongwoon breathes in his ear. “Are you getting close, baby ?”

Ryeowook nods, his attempt at giving a verbal answer previously failing when a strangled moan comes out instead of actual words.

“You’re so responsive to everything I do to you,” Jongwoon marvels. “I love that so much about you.” Ryeowook chokes back a sob, because he feels like he’s about to burst any minute, but he’s waiting for Jongwoon to give him the green light to go ahead, and he’s taking his _goddamn time_ and it’s becoming unbearable. “Come on. Cum for me. Cum all over my hand like the good little boy you are.”

It doesn’t take Ryeowook more than that to reach his breaking point, spilling himself all over the counter, the floor, and Jongwoon’s hand and the man showers him in praises and compliments, and Ryeowook can’t be mad at him for interrupting his work. It’s as if no matter how many times Jongwoon can bring him over the edge, he’s still craving more, and more, and even more, and he wonders how that can even be possible.

Jongwoon wastes no time in licking his hand clean, humming at the taste, because fucking hell Ryeowook tastes so good it’s insane, and if Ryeowook weren’t so fucked out and focused on trying to reconstruct his train of thought at the moment, he probably could’ve gotten hard again just from that.

“I wonder if what you’re making is going to taste better than you do,” Jongwoon thinks out loud as he pulls Ryeowook’s pants back up and zips it for him, as he often finds himself doing. “You can go back to work now. I won’t spoil what I’ve got planned for desert later.” And with that, Jongwoon leaves him to resume cooking, although he has to spend a good five minutes trying to collect his thoughts and try not to think about the implications of Jongwoon's promise.

Jongwoon’s definitely completely fucked over his sex drive, that’s for sure, but he can’t really complain, because at least Jongwoon’s there to tend to him every single time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact : every single story Jongwoon "writes" in this fic are actually real fanfics I wrote for another fandom outside of kpop. My go-to genre of stories is usually paranormal horror, beats me why I even started to write porn instead, lol. But yeah, throughout the story, you'll get to see glimpses of never before seen works of mine, ahahah
> 
> I wrote half of this chapter completely sleep deprived too. Thought I should mention that because I literally forced myself to stay awake for 7 hours after my night shift to finish it and now I'm dead inside lmao
> 
> Chapter 3 is going to be interesting, because that's where the BDSM stuff starts to appear and the plot really begins to unfold. I hope you'll be there with me next time~
> 
> -Anli


	3. Step By Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello !
> 
> I have no idea if anyone reads these author notes, but I'm still writing them anyway because I have some important information to deliver sometimes.
> 
> It took me longer than expected to finish this chapter because I kept running into the same problem and getting stuck on a specific part (what goes on between Kyuhyun, Sungmin and Ryeowook), and I ended up rewriting the entire thing about 7 times before I figured out what was wrong and changed it completely.
> 
> This chapter was also supposed to contain a lot more plot than it ended up having because I realized after the smut scene that it would be way too long. Like, way too long, and even the smut scene has to continue in chapter 4—it makes sense why it does, you'll understand when I post chapter 4—in the end.
> 
> Oh, also. The chapter starts with an excerpt from the "book" Jongwoon is working on at this point in the story. As I've mentioned before, it's actually a fanfic I wrote for another fandom (I just changed the names), as are every other book Jongwoon "wrote". There will sometimes be excerpts from a few of them in the story because in my opinion, it makes things feel more organic than to just be like "Jongwoon writes more of his book and then [insert whatever action he does here]". Hope it doesn't bother any of you, ahah
> 
> And last thing before I let you go... BIG WARNING : JONGWOON HAS A PRETTY INTENSE CUM KINK. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. DON'T READ IF YOU THINK CUM PLAY IS GROSS. THANK YOU.

_**THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS ** _

** _ Chapter 1 — Burdens _ **

_ A casualty._

_ In the end, this was what Hyesung’s life had amounted to. Simply yet another casualty of the ever raging wars of their time; yet another body to add up to the already ridiculously high number of loved ones they had lost in the name of asserting one clan’s dominance over the other._

_ Jihye glanced down at her younger sisters seeking comfort beside their mother. They were too young to understand the situation, too young to be exposed to such a horror—and perhaps Jihye was too, although her clan’s Elders would disagree. At ten years old, Jihye was deemed capable to bear arms against the enemy, most of whom were grown adults._

_ As the Kang family’s heiress, the oldest child of the Head of the Clan, Jihye had been raised to place her family at the top of her priorities. Protecting them was only natural. The prosperity of her clan had been a focal point of her education. She had to grow stronger to insure their survival._

_ She had learned to wield the blade before she could even walk._

_ Nonetheless, she had failed on her duty where it had mattered the most. Now, she could only watch as her father, in complete silence, planted a simple wooden plank into the ground to mark the location of Hyesung’s eternal resting place. Her mother’s face remained stone cold, as though the death of her own son didn’t faze her. Disgust overwhelmed the young girl at her parents’ lack of emotion for a second, but the feeling subsided as quickly as it had appeared._

_ Her youngest sister, barely tall enough to reach their mother’s mid-thigh—and Kang Shinhye wasn’t known for her height—hadn’t stopped crying throughout the funeral, although she couldn’t yet wrap her head around the reason they were burying her beloved older bother in the ground. But Jihye would not—_**could** **not**_ cry._

_ She _ **had** _ to grow stronger._

Jongwoon lets himself fall back into his office chair, and sighs loudly. He throws his head back and stares at the ceiling, rubbing the sleep off his face and sighs yet again, exhausted and completely demotivated. Glancing at the bookshelf in front of his office desk, right beside the door, he stares at the row holding all of the books he’s written in his career—there are a lot of them, especially considering he’s still relatively young, and wonders where his creative spirit has gone to. The timing coincides with his breakup with his ex four months ago, and he figures heartbreak is the reason behind the writer’s block he’s currently going through.

He stares back at the text he’s just written, unsatisfied with the outcome. It’s only chapter one, the very first scene in his entire story, and he already feels as though something is missing, but he can’t pinpoint what it is exactly.

He wonders why he’s even made the decision of writing it in the first place, since a tragic romance story is the furthest thing from what he’s used to, even more so than _The Stolen Souls_. He figures it's an act of rebellion after the events of the week prior, where Sooman essentially forced him to write the goddamn sequel he so desperately wanted to avoid doing. He decided that if he were to write this stupid thing, it would be on his terms, and not whatever Sooman was expecting, which lead him to this half-decent idea that had popped into his head when he woke up this morning.

But he’s not so sure about it now.

Jongwoon’s always been somewhat critical of his own work, despite the praise he’s gotten since his unexpected success with his first book, _Crimson Leaves_, that he had managed to get published at the mere age of twenty-one. However, he also knows when he’s created something good, as evident by his pride for _The Darkening_—his first bestseller of the previous year—and he wishes it had gotten as much praise and attention as _The Stolen Souls_ had, if not more.

He can’t believe he’s managed to keep this up for eight years, if he’s honest. Being a writer is much harder than people make it out to be, and the expectation that he should be capable to come up with a new story on demand is preposterous. People underestimate the amount of work that has to be put into creating something original, and that writing is so much more than typing words on a Word document and call it a story.

The sight of his latest commercial success haunts him from the bookshelf, the catchphrase_‘Welcome to Geumgoseong. Population : 1228 pawns ready to be sacrificed’_ plastered on the cover making him cringe so much he almost wishes he could merge with his chair and disappear from the face of the Earth. If he could turn back time, he would try anything in his power to prevent this story from ever being published—that’s how much he despises it.

As a reflex, Jongwoon picks up his phone, seeking distraction from his self-induced mental torment. There’s a pop up on the screen he wasn’t notified of, or at least was unaware of getting a notification for, that reads _‘Sunday, April 21st, 2019 — 100 days’_, and he catches himself smiling down at it. He’s almost forgotten he had put it as a reminder, especially since he and Ryeowook aren’t exactly together per se—he’s never asked him out properly, nor has he led the boy into believing that they were exclusive or at least he doesn’t think so. Yet, he hasn’t had any sort of relationship with anyone else since they had met back in January, so maybe they had been more exclusive than one would've thought, although he’s unaware if Ryeowook has been seeing other people besides him.

He knows he shouldn’t feel this way given the circumstances, but the mere idea of Ryeowook being intimate with someone else has his blood boiling. He can’t help it—in his mind, he’s already claimed his ownership over Ryeowook since the beginning—and in two days, they'll be celebrating their hundred days.

Jongwoon is honestly surprised they’ve lasted this long, because since the disaster that was his previous relationship, he thought he would give up on having another one at least for longer than he actually did. He’s over his ex at this point and Ryeowook had been of tremendous help for that, but there’s still the pain of the breakup lingering in his mind although it doesn’t seem to bother him as much as it did when he met the boy. Perhaps this was the reason he’s taken so much time committing to Ryeowook, and why he’s still hesitant—well, _was_, up until he saw the notification minutes ago. Now, he’s not so sure he wants to keep things the way they are.

He doesn’t really know what to think of that. He doesn’t even know if Ryeowook has counted the days like he has.

“You look excited,” Kyuhyun observes, watching Ryeowook sketching something on his tablet—for class, he figures—with a giant, goofy smile splattered across his face.

“Yeah, well…” Ryeowook trails off, not bothering to look up at his friend and stop what he’s doing. He keeps messing up the same detail—_why are humans so goddamn hard to draw without making them look like the Walmart version of a Picasso painting_—and have to undo his action over and over again, and normally he’d be frustrated but he’s in too much of a good mood to have something like this ruining his day. “I’m spending the weekend at Jongwoon’s, and it’s always exciting.” _In more ways than one_, he thinks, but never in a million years would he make such a bold claim in front of his friends. Sex isn’t a topic Ryeowook is bothered with, in fact he doesn’t mind it at all, just… maybe not in this particular situation. What he and Jongwoon have feels different. It’s not just sex—it’s intimacy, and it’s something Ryeowook feels compelled to keep to himself. At least for now.

“You guys have been seeing each other for a bit now,” Sungmin recalls. “How’s it going between the two of you ?”

“Oh, it’s good.”

“Nothing else ?” Sungmin inquires, unsatisfied with the boy’s vague answer.

“I don’t really know what to add, to be honest,” Ryeowook admits, setting his tablet down on the table. “We get along well. He’s funny, attentive, and I feel like he genuinely cares, you know ? He actually listens to what I have to say. I feel happy with him.”

“How long has it been ?” Kyuhyun chimes in at Ryeowook’s surprise—it’s not usually in his friends’ habits to care about interpersonal relationships like that. He’s more interested in his math textbooks and Starcraft than he is in… _actual_ human beings. “Two months ?”

“Three,” Ryeowook corrects. “It’s gonna be a hundred days this weekend, actually.”

“Really ? Already ?” Sungmin exclaims. “Do you guys have any plans ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t have an answer for it, if he’s honest. He has no clue if Jongwoon even has something planned for them, because Ryeowook sure as hell doesn’t, and they've never discussed it. He feels embarrassed, but mostly regret, to have brought up this subject. What is he supposed to tell his friends, now ?

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook mumbles, hoping his friends don’t hear. But it’s his prayers that fall on deaf ears instead. “He’s coming to pick me up after school.”

“Oh, so it’s a surprise ?” Sungmin borderline teases.

“I suppose,” Ryeowook shrugs. “He hasn't mentioned anything. But I guess that's what surprises are about, right ?”

Sungmin picks up on Ryeowook’s obvious awkwardness toward the subject, so he decides to drop it for now. He’s learned by now that Jongwoon can be a sensitive subject at times, especially when he’d bring up his concerns about their relationship—Ryeowook’s track record of dating assholes doesn’t help—so he figures changing the subject is his best course of action in this case.

“When is he supposed to pick you up ?”

“In about thirty minutes,” Ryeowook counts, looking at the time on his phone. “I wanted to finish my assignment for my digital arts class first, but I guess I have to give up on that.” The boy laughs, looking at his tablet on the table. He wants to convince himself he’ll have time to work on it over the weekend, but he has a feeling Jongwoon might be too much of a distraction for that.

“I’m looking forward to seeing what he looks like,” Kyuhyun chuckles. “I can’t believe you still haven’t introduced him to us.”

“One day,” Ryeowook promises. “I don’t know if we’re serious enough for that just now. But one day I will.”

His friends insist on following him out into the parking lot after Ryeowook’s gone to his locker to grab his overnight duffle bag, curious to finally see the famous Kim Jongwoon in person. Ryeowook checks his phone again, making sure he’s going to the right spot to meet up with Jongwoon; he eventually spots him before Jongwoon seems to—although he can’t blame him, Ryeowook is walking among an entire crowd of students while Jongwoon stands out like a sore thumb, looking good as sin in his brown jacket and black skinny jeans, leaning against the car door on the driver’s side—and comes to a halt, suddenly embarrassed about his friends seeing him. He doesn’t know why he is because Jongwoon is nothing to be embarrassed about, and he doesn’t even have a guess either.

“That’s him,” the boy points out into the distance. He witnesses his friends’ eyes grow to the size of a dinner plate upon seeing the man, and despite his growing shyness, he’s somewhat amused by it.

“So that’s—” Kyuhyun begins, unable to take his eyes away from him.

“Jongwoon ? Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms timidly.

“Shit, Wook, you scored big time. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but your boyfriend’s hot as fuck.”

“Oh, no, hum…” Ryeowook hesitates. “He’s… he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Wait, what ?” Sungmin lets out, puzzled by what he’s just heard. “So you're telling us you’ve been seeing each other for a hundred days, that he’s been taking you out on fancy dates, had you spend entire weekends over at his house multiple times, and he's even starting to come pick you up at college and he’s NOT your boyfriend ?”

“Quite frankly, I don’t know what we are,” the younger admits awkwardly. “We’ve never really had the talk.”

“What’s stopping you ?” Sungmin confronts.

“I don’t know. We’ve been taking things slowly, so I guess I’m just scared we’re not on the same page quite just yet.” That could be considered a lie, given that usually speaking, ‘taking things slowly’ implies the lack of intimacy and in their case, it’s quite the opposite, but it’s also not entirely untrue either. They’ve never really discussed the terms of their relationship besides the fact that it started as a sexual thing, and there’s still the question of Jongwoon never initiating things in bed that go further than oral, and at this point, Ryeowook is starting to think it’s really strange. But he doesn’t want to confront Jongwoon about it by fear of upsetting him in some way or another by questioning his intentions.

“You should bring it up to him this weekend,” Kyuhyun proposes. “That way you’ll know how he feels about you. Best case scenario, you’ve got a new boyfriend; worst case scenario, you realize that he’s a dick and not worth investing yourself in further than that to avoid heartbreak.”

“… yeah, you’re probably right,” Ryeowook concedes. “Anyway, I think I should go. I don’t want to make him wait for too long.”

“I hope you have fun,” Sungmin wishes, giving him a short hug. “Remember to call us if anything happens, okay ?”

“Yes, mom,” Ryeowook mocks, rolling his eyes.

He fistbumps with Kyuhyun before walking away toward Jongwoon, who finally notices him and greets him with a fond smile. There are butterflies running wild in Ryeowook’s stomach in anxiety as he thinks back to what his friends have just told him—about how it is kind of strange that they've been seeing each other for so long and yet have never talked about their relationship. He wants to seek comfort, to bury himself in Jongwoon’s arms where he feels safe, but his friends are watching, and he doesn't want to accidentally step out of Jongwoon's boundaries by displaying affection out in public like that. So, in the end, he just stands awkwardly in front of him and greets him with a simple ‘_hey_’, mentally slapping himself for being such a coward.

Jongwoon however takes note of Ryeowook’s uneasiness and frowns, reaching up to cup the younger’s face in his hands gently, softly caressing his cheek with his thumb as he analyzes his expression. “You look tense. Is something going on ?”

“No, it’s just… my friends are watching,” Ryeowook giggles nervously, subtly pointing in the direction with a short movement of the head.

Jongwoon glances over at Sungmin and Kyuhyun, still observing them from afar, before bending down to kiss Ryeowook passionately—the way he usually would when they were alone in private, as if no one was watching. Jongwoon has always been able to read the boy like an open book so it doesn’t surprise Ryeowook anymore whenever the older is able to figure out what he needs the most at any given moment.

The embarrassment Ryeowook feels about being so open to everyone in such a way is completely overridden by the realization that Jongwoon has no shame in showing off that they’re a _thing_, that it proves that Ryeowook isn’t just a dirty secret to him, and it suffices to put him at ease, at least for now.

Kyuhyun has to physically close up Sungmin’s jaw as it drops. He really didn’t expect Jongwoon to be so… _shameless_ about basically initiating foreplay with Ryeowook like that out in the open. The kiss they shared almost looked like the beginning of soft porn—hands on Ryeowook’s hips bringing their bodies flush against the other, tongues dancing around the other’s; the most shocking part being how Ryeowook looked just as eager to return the gesture as Jongwoon had to kiss him in the first place. He suddenly started questioning what his friend had meant by taking things slow, because it didn’t look like that in his mind.

They watch from afar as Jongwoon opens the car door for Ryeowook. Kyuhyun comments about not being able to understand _how_ Jongwoon can make such a cheesy thing look completely adorable and caring, and makes an ironic joke about how Jongwoon is making him feel _soft_ toward romance rather than repulsion, but Sungmin is only half-listening at this point.

He really doesn’t know what to think of this guy.

The butterflies in Ryeowook’s stomach return as soon as he steps into Jongwoon’s apartment no matter how hard he’s tried to will himself not to think about any of it. He finds he can't help it, because he truly cares about Jongwoon, and the fear of finding out his feelings aren’t mutual crushes him on the inside.

Once again, Jongwoon takes notice of this, like he always does. Like he’s somehow always on alert whenever it comes to Ryeowook, and the boy knows that’s what he loves the most about the man, even though it sometimes works against him like it does now.

“Are you sure everything's okay ?”

Ryeowook nods, afraid his words will betray him, but it seems it only fed into Jongwoon’s concerns, if the frown on his face is anything to go by.

“Come here.”

Jongwoon opens his arms wide, beckoning Ryeowook to snuggle into his arms—an invitation the boy can’t refuse. The older kisses him on the top of his head, wrapping his arms tightly around him and slowly rocking them back and forth until he feels Ryeowook relax against him. He doesn’t let go just yet, though, because having Ryeowook in his arms is what feels right and he wants to drag on this moment for as long as he can.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it,” Jongwoon whispers. “But just know my ears are always open if you ever need someone to listen.”

Ryeowook nods against his chest, arms tightening even more around the man. Jongwoon lets out a short chuckle at how adorable he thinks Ryeowook is before sliding his hands down, grabbing the back of Ryeowook’s thighs and pulling him up. The boy immediately wraps his legs around Jongwoon’s waist and lets himself be carried into the living room, where Jongwoon lies down on the couch and holds Ryeowook on top of him.

Jongwoon gently starts petting Ryeowook’s hair, making the boy snuggle up to him even more and bury his face into his chest—he just needs to be held at the moment, and Jongwoon is more than willing to comply. Having Ryeowook like this makes him feel at ease, too, and suddenly the stress he’s been dealing with for over a month now is nothing but a bitter memory at the back of his mind.

“I missed you,” Ryeowook mumbles against him after a few minutes of lying in comfortable silence.

“I missed you too,” Jongwoon admits immediately.

_Yes, maybe they _**are**_ more than just sex_, he thinks, because the way his heart feels so light right now makes him realize how heavy it had been in the last two weeks where they weren’t able to see each other.

“Wookie ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t lift his head to look at him, but Jongwoon knows he’s listening.

“Hm ?”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately,” Jongwoon starts, unsure—for the first time in their relationship, he feels his confidence abandon him completely. “And it’s fine if you don’t feel the same way as I do, so don’t feel awkward about it, okay ? But, yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. About us, I mean. And you know, we’ve never really had a conversation about it, but I realized that I wanted us to be more than that. So, yeah, I guess what I'm trying to ask you is… how do you feel about us being exclusive ?”

At his question, Ryeowook jumps in Jongwoon’s arms, planting his own on each side of him to hold himself up so he can look at the man clearly. He wasn’t expecting that at all, especially not considering how weird of a coincidence it was that he's asking him this the same day his friends encouraged him to do the same. It almost looks as if fate is playing a role in this, even though Ryeowook never really believed in this sort of thing. He thinks he might now, though.

“Are you asking me if I want to be your boyfriend ?” Ryeowook questions, failing to hide his obvious excitement.

Jongwoon doesn't reply immediately. The word boyfriend had always made him felt somewhat uncomfortable for whatever reason. Even with his exes, and especially with his most recent one, it was never a term he used to describe them. Then again, what he had with them wasn’t exactly normal in terms of what a romantic relationships entails. He wouldn’t call what Ryeowook and he have ‘normal’ either, but he finds after a moment of reflection that he doesn’t really mind using that word when it comes to Ryeowook.

“I— hum, yeah. Yeah, I guess I am,” Jongwoon laughs, both in surprise at himself and in pure bliss because Ryeowook is quick to hug him again, letting his small body crash down on his and crushing him, but he doesn’t mind. Ryeowook is so light he barely felt any pain.

“Yes,” Ryeowook replies into his neck. “Of course I want to, you big idiot.”

“Hey, what’s with the insults now ?” Jongwoon questions, still laughing.

“Because you thought that there was a chance I would say no,” Ryeowook retorts playfully.

“You’re right, I guess I shouldn’t have, given how great I am at… _certain things_. Of course I’ve got you hooked.” Jongwoon earns a slap on the clavicle at his allusions.

“Stop ruining the moment,” Ryeowook chuckles.

“You can’t tell me I’m wrong.”

“Oh my god, please shut up.”

They're both laughing at this point at the absurdity of everything. To say that it had only started as what was supposed to be a one time thing, something they both usually never took as far as to go back home with a stranger instead of stopping it at a blowjob in a secluded area, seems totally crazy and surreal to them. They both realize how big of a mistake they would’ve made if they had stuck to their usual ways.

“Can I ask you something ?” Ryeowook speaks once their laughter subsides.

“Anything.”

“Is that why you’ve never, you know… actually _fucked_ me all this time ?”

Jongwoon really didn’t expect that question coming from him, so it takes him some time to think of an answer to give him. “Yeah. I didn’t know if you were seeing other people besides me, and you didn’t know if I did too, and I guess it doesn’t really make sense considering we’ve done… _a lot_ without protection, but you know… I wanted to wait given it’s increasing the risks tenfold.”

“No, I understand, kind of. But I haven’t been seeing anyone besides you, if you wanted to know.”

“I didn’t either.”

“We could’ve used a condom too, you know.”

Jongwoon’s eyes go dark. “Oh. I’m not fucking you with a condom on.”

Ryeowook thinks it’s kind of pointless given everything else when Jongwoon insists they should get tested the next day, but he figures it’s symbolic in a way—that they're starting their relationship clean, in more ways than one, so he still follows through with that plan when Jongwoon takes them to a clinic that runs tests on the weekends without an appointment needed. Ryeowook doesn’t know why he’s so nervous as they wait for the results to come back, because he’s absolutely certain he’s got nothing. His shaky leg seems to have missed the message, however, because it doesn’t want to stop bouncing. They probably ended up waiting there for twenty minutes when their names are finally called back, and Ryeowook feels like his heart is about to explode. He’s pretty sure the entire clinic is able to hear his sigh of relief when they turn around the corner, out of curious eyes, to show each other the results : negative for everything, on both sides.

When they step foot outside, they feel the weight of anxiety fall off their shoulders. Jongwoon takes Ryeowook’s hand in his, and they decide on the spot that they should enjoy the day out in the city. They start off by stopping at a small café downtown, one Jongwoon says he often goes to because the quiet atmosphere of it sometimes helps him find the inspiration he needs to write. Ryeowook has to agree too—as they sit down at one of the tables in a more private and secluded corner, he finds himself more at ease, although he supposes it also has something to do with Jongwoon being there with him too.

“You never ended up telling me about your writing career,” Ryeowook brings up, trying to start a conversation. He’s also genuinely curious about Jongwoon’s work, especially since he seems to be successful enough to be able to live comfortably, which is hard for an artist—he knows that too well.

Jongwoon chuckles. “I don’t really know what to tell you. Most of it is pretty boring, if I’m honest.”

“What about the stories you write ?” Ryeowook specifies. “I tried to look you up online, but no results showed up.”

“Oh, that’s because I use a pen name,” Jongwoon explains. “Writers aren’t generally the type of people to get recognized in public, but I like having some kind of privacy. If someone looks up my real name online, they won’t find as much as they would if they type in _Yesung_.”

“That’s smart,” Ryeowook compliments. “What type of story do you write ?”

“Mostly paranormal horror or thrillers. I tried to broaden my brand by writing fantasy action, but it didn’t really work out for me.”

“What do you mean ?”

“Well, it was a commercial success,” Jongwoon admits, although he struggles to swallow the sip of coffee he’s just taken. “But in my eyes, it’s the worst book I’ve ever published, and I wish it would’ve fallen into oblivion.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Ryeowook cheers, but the look in Jongwoon’s eyes tells him he’s being a hundred percent serious.

“If you end up reading one of my books, please promise me you’ll never read that one.”

Ryeowook nods, intimidated by Jongwoon’s insistent gaze on him. The same one the man gives him whenever he’s about to do something to him, except this time, they’re not in that sort of setting—still, Ryeowook is so used to seeing it in this context that it sends him mixed signals, and soon he’s fidgeting in his seat, trying to compose himself before Jongwoon takes note of it. He knows he’ll pick up on it; he always does, and now really _isn’t_ the right time for it to happen again.

“How’s school ?” Jongwoon pitches, changing the subject.

“You really wanna hear about some college kid’s rant about class ?” Ryeowook jokes.

Jongwoon is still looking at him with those eyes, dark and sultry, with something more sinister hiding under it all—like a predator who’s just located his prey and is preparing to hunt them down. Hungry, predatory, as if he’s fantasizing about eating him alive, and Ryeowook feels like he’s shrinking to the size of a pea in his chair.

“I want to hear about you,” Jongwoon specifies, leaning back into his chair.

The smirk on his lips tells it all. _He knows_. Fuck, he knows.

Ryeowook tries to mentally slap himself back down to earth, but finds he’s unable to. He feels himself slipping again, his consciousness abandoning him—Jongwoon makes him feel so weak, so vulnerable, and yet it’s strangely comforting to him.

Jongwoon cocks his head to the side, feigning innocence. “Is something wrong, baby ?”

“I—” Ryeowook stumbles on his words, brain going into overdrive just so he’s able to align two words that make sense. “How the hell do you do that ?” he ends up blurting out, expecting Jongwoon to be taken aback.

Except he isn’t. He’s smirking again, like he’s satisfied of his work, and he winks at him. “There are… things about me that you’re yet to discover,” Jongwoon states. Does he expect Ryeowook to figure out what he means with such cryptic words ?

“What do you mean ?”

“I’ll show you when we get home tonight.”

It’s the only thing Ryeowook has on his mind for the rest of the day. It’s exciting, frustrating and stressful all at once, and he doesn’t know what to make out of all this. Jongwoon’s had this effect on him since day one, and Ryeowook knew it meant something else, because no one’s ever made him experience such feelings of… _ownership_, in a way, because that’s the main thing out of all of this. He feels as though Jongwoon completely owns him, like he’s able to shape him into whatever he wants, and Ryeowook is so willing to comply that he doesn’t even think of questioning anything about what’s going on.

All he knows is that he’s never felt this good in his entire life, and he wants to experience more, but the unknown will always remain a scary thing, no matter how much he trusts Jongwoon.

They only get home late in the evening after stopping to a Korean Barbe-Q Ryeowook honestly couldn’t care enough to remember the name of. Jongwoon’s been acting so normal since they left the café earlier too, which only feeds into Ryeowook’s confusion—he has no idea what he should be expecting, or if he _should_ be expecting anything at all.

So he pretends nothing is going on, too, in hopes that he’ll be able to convince himself of that in the long run.

Jongwoon has other plans, though, and as soon as Ryeowook’s shoes and jacket are off, he wraps his hands around the boy’s waist from behind, placing a kiss right below his ear, making Ryeowook jump in surprise.

“I had fun today,” he tells him, breath ghosting just over his earlobe. “But don’t think I’ve forgotten about what I told you. I fully intend on dragging the fun on for much, much longer.”

Ryeowook has to bite back a moan, because shit, Jongwoon’s voice alone is enough to turn him into a mess.

“I need you to listen to me very closely, okay ?” Jongwoon instructs, almost sounding like he’s talking to a small child, but damn him because Ryeowook loves it so much when he does that for some reason, and it has him nodding without hesitation. “I want you to go into the bedroom, undress yourself completely, and wait for me on your knees on the bed, hands crossed behind your back, facing the headboard. Can you do that for me ?” Ryeowook nods again as Jongwoon nuzzles into the crook of his neck. “Good boy. Now go, I promise I won’t be long.”

Jongwoon gives him a small tap on the ass as encouragement before he lets Ryeowook go.

There’s a knot forming in Ryeowook’s stomach when he steps into the bedroom, and for a split second, he hesitates. He hesitates because he doesn’t know what’s coming and his gut is telling him it’s going to be something much more intense than he’s even capable of thinking, and he wonders if he’s ready for that. But he remembers that it’s Jongwoon he’s talking about, and he’s never, not even once, given him any reason to be scared or to doubt.

He does as he was asked, undressing himself, neatly folding his clothes and placing them on top of Jongwoon’s dresser, and kneels in the middle of the bed, holding his left wrist into his right hand behind his back, and he waits.

He’s taking deep breaths and closing his eyes in an attempt to calm his nerves down. And he waits.

Ryeowook is no longer conscious of the passing of time, so he has no idea how long he stands there before he hears Jongwoon’s steps enter the room, closing the door behind him. He’s too nervous to look at him.

Jongwoon leans against the door for a moment, so satisfied to see that Ryeowook has done exactly as he’s asked so well, and so willingly, too. There were no protests, no hesitation, and Jongwoon is relieved because it means that Ryeowook trusts him, and that’s the most important thing in all of this : that Ryeowook trusts him _entirely_.

Ryeowook thinks his heart stopped beating when he hears the shuffle of fabric brushing against fabric as Jongwoon undresses himself. He then feels the bed sinking under Jongwoon’s weight as the man kneels right behind him. His warm hands settle on his shoulders and he jumps—he’s tense, and he’s sure Jongwoon can feel it too.

“Relax, baby,” Jongwoon breathes, massaging Ryeowook’s shoulders and upper back, trying to get rid of every knot he can feel under his fingers. “Do you trust me ?”

Ryeowook nods instantly.

“I need words, sweetheart”

“Yes. I trust you.”

“Are you scared ?”

“N-no.” Ryeowook shakes his head to emphasize his words. “Just… nervous.”

“I promise that you have nothing to worry about,” Jongwoon assures him, hands still working on the muscles of his back. “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, I want you to tell me and I’ll stop. Do you understand me ?”

“Yes.”

“Good boy.” Jongwoon leaves a kiss right above Ryeowook’s right shoulder blade and he feels the boy starting to relax. “I’m going to tell you what I’ve got in mind for you today, and I want you to tell me how it feels to you, okay ?”

“Okay,” Ryeowook nods, remembering that Jongwoon asked for verbal answers, even if his mind is barely functional enough to let him speak.

“I’m going to make you surrender control over to me,” Jongwoon explains, voice soft and yet so deep into his ear that it makes Ryeowook’s entire body shiver. “_Completely_. And you’re going to do that because you _want_ it. Because you want to _submit_. How does that sound ?”

“Good,” Ryeowook lets out in a shaky breath, but he’s not trembling in fear anymore. It’s excitement—just the idea of having no say in what Jongwoon is going to do to him has his cock leaking against his thigh. Jongwoon’s always been the one in control so far, but the fact that he’s making it so explicit now makes it feel like an entirely different experience to Ryeowook.

“Say it,” Jongwoon demands.

“I want it,” Ryeowook repeats. “I want to submit to you.”

“You’re so good. _So good_, baby.”

Jongwoon finally feels Ryeowook’s muscles completely go lax under his touch, giving him the green light to start taking things further. He doesn’t wish to go too hard on him tonight—he doesn’t want Ryeowook to be scared, uncomfortable, or end up hurt, especially since Jongwoon knows that the boy is still so new to all of this. He fully intends on having a conversation with him later on, but he figures at least a small introduction to this side of him Jongwoon doesn’t show to many people will help Ryeowook decide if this is something he’s willing to explore deeper or not.

Jongwoon gently caresses the back of Ryeowook’s head, pushing on it slightly to move it around a bit, before he tugs him back by the hair and twists it just enough to allow them to kiss. Ryeowook doesn’t even have the time to be surprised because the way Jongwoon is kissing him has his mind completely clouded and Jongwoon’s lips on his is the only thing he cares about now.

Jongwoon’s other hand, the one not currently buried in Ryeowook’s hair, trails down from his jaw to his neck. Jongwoon’s thumb brushes over the boy’s throat, eliciting an unexpected moan from him. A switch flicks open inside Jongwoon’s mind, but he decides to keep that idea for a later date; right now, he’s too focused on his goal to have Ryeowook trembling under him, to have him _beg_, to have him reduced to nothing but an incoherent crying mess—to claim him as his, so that the idea of wanting anyone else but him doesn’t even cross his mind even once ever again.

Ryeowook is _his_. His good little boy, his baby, his to do whatever he wants with; his to pleasure, to care for, to make happy. He has every intention on making sure everyone knows that, including Ryeowook.

Jongwoon’s hand trails lower, stopping on the boy’s hip, Jongwoon’s arm now wrapped around his stomach, pulling him against him and trapping Ryeowook’s hands, still crossed behind his back, between them.

Jongwoon breaks the kiss then, taking Ryeowook’s lower lip between his teeth and gently tugging on it before letting go. The hand in the boy’s hair joins in with his other, locking the younger in place. Ryeowook reflexively leans into Jongwoon even more, and he can feel the man’s arousal against the small of his back. Ryeowook wants to touch him, to grind against him, but he remembers that his will has been stripped away; Jongwoon is the one making the decisions for him now, so he stays put. He’s a good boy. He wants Jongwoon to know that.

“Can you feel that, baby ?” Jongwoon checks in as he slowly grinds his already leaking cock against Ryeowook, smearing precum on his skin. “Can you feel how hard you’re making me ?”

The boy nods rapidly, eyelids shutting tightly as he lets out a small whine, wanting nothing more than to have Jongwoon inside of him, _finally_.

“Looks like the feeling is mutual,” Jongwoon adds, noticing Ryeowook’s cock is also hard and dripping. “Tell me… how much do you want me, hm ?”

“V-very mu—_oh god._” Ryeowook is interrupted mid-sentence when Jongwoon’s hand wraps around his cock, and if it weren’t for the man’s arm holding him up he’d most likely have fallen forward at his point.

Jongwoon collects the precum leaking out of the head with his index finger to coat the shaft with, jerking him off repeating this pattern over and over again—_down, up, stroke the head, down again_—until he nearly has his arm digging into Ryeowook’s stomach from how tightly he’s holding him to prevent the boy from bucking into his hand uncontrollably. Ryeowook is moaning with every stroke now and Jongwoon fucking loves it, loves how Ryeowook is always so responsive to his touch, so sensitive, so _easy_, how he’s always willing to let Jongwoon do whatever he wants without a fuss; Jongwoon’s first impression of him was completely right.

Ryeowook is a natural submissive, and damn him to hell because he fully intends on using it to its full potential if Ryeowook lets him. And so far, the boy seems very open to it.

“Jongwoon, I-I’m—”

“You’re ready to cum, baby ?”

Ryeowook nods once more, his verbal answer strangled by a particularly loud moan.

“Go ahead.”

Ryeowook doesn’t have to be told twice. He spills himself all over the sheets as well as Jongwoon’s hand, who keeps jerking him through his orgasm, smearing cum all over his cock in the process.

“Keep your hands behind your back,” Jongwoon orders suddenly and Ryeowook has no idea where it’s coming from until he lets go of him completely and Ryeowook’s upper body falls flat on the mattress. Jongwoon doesn’t let him time to fully process what’s happening before he starts lightly tapping on Ryeowook’s ass, prompting him to raise it higher, presenting himself to the older just as he wants him to.

With his clean hand, Jongwoon spreads out Ryeowook’s left cheek, exposing his perky little hole to him for the first time. Ryeowook is still panting loudly, still not recovered from his orgasm, and Jongwoon doesn't want to let him any time to cool down—he won’t allow him any breaks, he's decided, until Ryeowook _begs_ him to stop.

Using his other hand, still covered in Ryeowook’s cum, Jongwoon circles his thumb around the tight ring of muscles, covering it with Ryeowook’s own seed and the boy is so aroused by this that he starts clenching around nothing, wanting—no, _needing_—nothing more than to have Jongwoon inside him, because god he’s been waiting for it for so long and what Jongwoon is doing right now is probably the hottest thing he’s ever experienced in his eyes, and—

Ryeowook’s thoughts go blank. Jongwoon’s middle finger is pushed all the way inside of him, and the only thing Ryeowook can do is to let jerky moans escape his lips as Jongwoon curls it, pressing against a spot within him that has his vision turn black.

“Shit,” Jongwoon curses. “I’ve only got one finger in and you’re already so tight. Are you even gonna be able to take my cock, baby ?”

“Y-yes !” Ryeowook forces himself to answer, scared Jongwoon isn’t going to even attempt to fuck him because of it. “I can. I can take it. I promise I can, _please_…” He’s speaking quickly, worried he might not be able to say everything he wants to before Jongwoon changes his mind, and before his own abandons him once more, because _shit_, what Jongwoon is doing to him right now is already making him go crazy.

Jongwoon chuckles at Ryeowook’s desperation. “Since my little baby wants it so much, I guess I’m gonna have to give him what he wants,” he states, sliding his finger out of him and making Ryeowook whine in protest. He uses the remaining cum on his fingers to cover Ryeowook’s hole again and licks the rest clean before shifting his position, making use of both hands to spread Ryeowook open. “I’m just gonna have to make sure he’s ready for it.”

Ryeowook expected everything to happen. _Everything_ except what actually goes on in the end, and he has to bury his face into the mattress so the pain of being crushed against it by his own weight keeps him from passing out when he feels Jongwoon’s tongue on his hole, licking him completely clean. And shit, it feels so dirty and yet so good at the same time that Ryeowook can do nothing but choke back a sob. His cock is hard as a rock again, sensitive from his first orgasm but somehow ready for another as Jongwoon’s tongue works miracles on him. Ryeowook doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t even know _how_ to think.

He’s cumming again, without warning this time. He’s so gone at this point that he can’t even feel it coming. Jongwoon somehow has the ability to make it happen, as he’s done many times before, but this time feels different than all the others. He’s been in this clouded space before, but it was never this intense, and he’s barely conscious of anything besides the tremendous pleasure Jongwoon is bringing him as he reaches for Ryeowook’s cock between his legs, tongue still playing with his hole, to jerk him through his orgasm once more.

He whines when Jongwoon pulls back, feeling incredibly empty all of a sudden, but Jongwoon takes note of it almost immediately.

“Sshh, baby,” he calms him, runnings his hands over his sides. “I’m here, it’s okay. I just need to get something out of the drawer on the bedside table, okay ?”

Jongwoon tries to stay as close as possible to him as he reaches into the drawer to retrieve a small bottle and Ryeowook eases up. Jongwoon is there, it’s okay. He doesn’t need to worry about anything. Jongwoon’s got everything covered and he trusts him.

“How do you feel right now, baby ?” Jongwoon checks up on him as he flicks the cap open and squeezes a generous amount of lube onto his fingers.

“Good,” Ryeowook answers, voice muffled by the mattress. He’s panting heavily, arms cramping up from having to hold them back for so long; his cock is still twitching from his second orgasm, he’s already spent and on the verge of tears because he knows by now that Jongwoon is far from being done with him, but he feels _good_.

Jongwoon stares at Ryeowook’s ass in awe, absent-mindedly caressing his cheek with his left hand as he wonders how someone can be so perfect; Ryeowook is everything he’s looking for in a partner, both sexually and romantically, and he thinks fate may have had something to do with this. He can’t bring himself to believe meeting the boy was but a mere coincidence at this point. It sounds completely ridiculous to him now that he has Ryeowook like this. Under him, so submissive, so willing, so fucking _ethereal_ Jongwoon gets scared for a fraction of a second that it might only be just a dream.

“So perfect…” he breathes, spreading Ryeowook’s cheek apart to expose his hole, still wet with spit and clenching tightly around nothing, and brings his lubed up hand to transfer some around his entrance. Ryeowook moans and jumps at the cold sensation, trying desperately to push back against Jongwoon’s fingers but the man’s tight grip on his ass prevents him from doing so. “And so impatient.”

Still, Jongwoon believes like he’s made Ryeowook wait long enough, so he slides his middle finger back inside of him, enjoying the tightness of the boy’s ass and imagining what it would feel like around his cock. That thought makes him groan and grow impatient too, so the second he senses Ryeowook relaxing under him, he adds in his right finger, slowly moving them in and out, making sure he curls them as he brings them back toward him to press against that one spot that makes Ryeowook moan frantically and louder than Jongwoon’s ever heard him before.

He notices Ryeowook’s cock is hard again and decides he wants to make Ryeowook cum dry this time.

“Is my little baby already hard again ?” Jongwoon nearly coos, absolutely loving the way he’s able to get Ryeowook so worked up so easily and so relentlessly—not many of his past partners were able to, but the fact that Ryeowook _can_ is so incredibly arousing to him that he feels his cock pulsing and leaking even more than it already was.

_Fuck_, he can’t wait to be inside him. It’s driving him crazy.

Ryeowook nods fervently, turning his head to the side so his cheek is pressing against the mattress instead. His overstimulated cock amplifies everything Jongwoon is doing to him tenfold, and he feels an unfamiliar tingle in the pit of his stomach grow stronger by the minute. He has no idea what Jongwoon is doing to him; he’s never experienced something like this before, and shit it feels so fucking good he doesn’t know what to do except moan out Jongwoon’s name like a mantra, and then something _snaps_. His entire body starts trembling, and he’s overwhelmed by pleasure in a way he’s never felt before.

“Oh— oh shit. _Fuck !_” Ryeowook exclaims in surprise as an entirely new type of orgasm hits him—he’s not cumming this time, at least not in the way he’s used to, and he had no idea it was even possible. Jongwoon is doing things to him he didn’t even know could be done, and doing it so expertly, as if he were born for it.

Ryeowook is shaking so much that his legs give up on him and Jongwoon has to hold him back by wrapping his arm around the boy’s waist to keep his ass up in the air, pressing it flush against his crotch. Ryeowook can feel the hardness of Jongwoon’s cock against the back of his thigh. The man is still hitting the spot inside of him that makes him lose his vision and Ryeowook feels so weak and limp that he has no idea how he manages to keep his hands crossed behind his back all this time.

If it weren’t for Jongwoon’s tight hold around his hips grounding him, he thinks his consciousness would’ve completely slipped away from him at this point.

The older, however, still has no qualms about preventing Ryeowook from resting for even a minute. He chuckles darkly and adds in a third finger and tears are rolling down Ryeowook’s cheeks at this point. This is worse than the first night they’ve shared together. Oh, it’s so much fucking worse, and Ryeowook doesn’t know if he can handle this kind of torture for much longer.

“J-Jongwoon… please— _oh god_,” Ryeowook pleads, although he has no idea what for exactly.

“What is it, sweetheart ? Do you want me to stop ?”

For some reason, despite how painful it’s starting to get, that question nearly makes him panic. “No ! No, no, no please don’t stop—”

“What is it, then ?” Jongwoon’s voice is softer this time, more caring, and although he doesn’t stop stretching him open with his fingers, it helps to calm Ryeowook’s nerves down just enough to allow him to align two words without slurring from lack of breath and his foggy mind.

“I want— _fuck_— I need you— I need you inside me,” he pants heavily. “_Please_.”

“Who gave you permission to make demands, now ?” Jongwoon tortures him a bit further, enjoying the sight of his baby being reduced to such a mess under him a bit too much.

_Oh fuck. He’s fucked up_, Ryeowook thinks. His mind doesn’t allow him to think of a good excuse. “M’sorry,” he cries. “M’so sorry. I didn’t— I didn’t mean to— I—”

Jongwoon bends over Ryeowook’s smaller frame, covering him entirely, and presses his lips against the nape of the boy’s neck. “Sshh, it’s okay,” he soothes him, and he hears Ryeowook sigh in relief among the pants and the moans he’s creating. “It’s okay, baby. You’ve been so good so far. You did so much better than I expected. I’m so proud of you.” Jongwoon slides his fingers out of him and leaves a kiss in the middle of his upper back. “So, so proud.”

Once he’s completely sure Ryeowook is okay, Jongwoon pulls back, standing up on his knees again. He takes a hold of the bottle of lube he discarded beside him and coats his entire length, making sure he has more than enough to avoid hurting Ryeowook, because shit the boy is tight as hell and Jongwoon knows he’s by no means small—he’s not even average size, and he has no idea if Ryeowook can even take him.

Still, Ryeowook is practically begging for it, and he’s no stranger to Jongwoon’s size, so he figures he’ll at least _try_. Jongwoon lines up the tip of his cock with Ryeowook’s hole, holding the shaft as he pushes in until the entire head disappears inside of him, and fucking hell Jongwoon already feels like he’s being suffocated.

Ryeowook chokes on his own sobs—the pain of being stretched open like that is on equal grounds with the pleasure it’s bringing him, and his fingers dig into his wrists so tightly he knows it’s going to leave marks for the next day. Jongwoon stops for a minute, waiting Ryeowook to stop spasming around him, and traces his thumb over his stretched out rim.

Ryeowook loses his fucking mind then, and he’s sent over the edge once more, cumming dry for the second time, and shit his cock is in pain by now, hard and leaking and being denied release. He’s shaking his head from side to side, trying in vain to chase the pain away, but to no avail. The muscles of his abdomen are twitching uncontrollably and it’s making it even harder for him to breathe.

Jongwoon pushes in even more, and somehow it helps Ryeowook regain enough composure to stop hyperventilating, because now pleasure is starting to overweigh the pain. Jongwoon’s cock feels amazing, and Ryeowook can’t believe it took them over three months to get to this point because shit, now he doesn’t want Jongwoon to pull out, ever.

Jongwoon doesn’t want to, either.

Ryeowook feels like velvet around him, warm and smooth and _so fucking tight and perfect_ that Jongwoon can’t even believe it’s real.

“Shit,” he curses, looking down between them to admire the sight of his cock being swallowed whole by Ryeowook’s ass. He thinks he’ll never get enough of it. “You okay, baby ?”

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods, humming in affirmation. “Feels good.”

“Yeah ? Do you want me to move ?”

Ryeowook nods again, quicker this time. “Yeah.”

“Alright. Tell me if you want me to stop at any point, okay ?”

“Okay.”

Jongwoon slowly pulls away, holding Ryeowook by the hips, stopping when only the head of his cock remains inside of him and pushing it all the way in again. His movements are slow and gentle, and he gauges when the time is right to pick up the pace by Ryeowook’s moans—when the boy starts getting louder and his breathing picks up, that’s when he knows.

Ryeowook’s never been fucked so good in his entire life. His body is shaking with every movement of Jongwoon’s hips, the coil in his stomach never leaving him. His cock is throbbing, begging for release, and the increasing strength of Jongwoon’s thrusts grows progressively more painful, but shit Ryeowook likes that pain; he feels like he’s getting high on endorphins, and he’s barely conscious enough to be aware of his own moans and cries anymore.

Jongwoon is cursing and showering Ryeowook in praises, reminding him how good he is, how amazing he feels, how Jongwoon is growing addicted to everything he is, and Ryeowook knows nothing but pure bliss in this moment.

Jongwoon can feel Ryeowook coming close to orgasm again when the boy starts clenching around him again. He’s about to cum, too, and he’s surprised he’s even managed to last this long given how fucking amazing Ryeowook feels.

“You’re gonna cum soon, baby ?”

“Y-yeah… m’close,” Ryeowook whimpers, voice shaking from his body moving the the rhythm of Jongwoon’s hips.

“I want you to cum now,” Jongwoon orders to Ryeowook’s surprise.

“W-what—”

“_Now_,” the older growls, and shit, he succeeds in forcing another orgasm out of Ryeowook, cum shooting out of his cock all over the sheets again. Jongwoon’s made him cum on command. He’s— how the fuck did he do that ?

Ryeowook doesn’t have the ability to think anymore, though. He’s spent and he feels like he’s about to pass out; on top of it all, he’s so oversensitive at this point even the feeling of Jongwoon’s release coating his walls is enough to make him moan in pleasure. His body collapses again and Jongwoon, buried as deep as he can inside of him, falls along with him, catching himself in his descent with his arms on either side of Ryeowook.

Jongwoon’s panting heavily, too, but he still manages to keep enough composure to support himself on one hand so he can use the other to uncross Ryeowook’s arms and set them on either side of the boy, giving him a rest, finally, before he slowly lowers himself down. He’s covering Ryeowook’s body entirely, weight pushing on top of him, but Ryeowook doesn’t feel crushed nor trapped; he feels safe, and even more so when Jongwoon places his hands on top of his, on either side of his face, and intertwines his fingers with his.

“You’re so perfect,” Jongwoon murmurs to him, forehead resting on the spot between his shoulder blades. He hears—and feels—Ryeowook sigh in content under him, feeling so incredibly happy that Jongwoon thinks he’s done well.

They lie there, only the sound of their heavy breathing filling the room, until Jongwoon recovers enough to pull himself up again. His now soft cock slips out of Ryeowook and he watches as a trail of cum drips out of him.

“What a mess…” he marvels, as if seeing his cum flowing out of Ryeowook were the most beautiful masterpiece he’s ever had the chance to see. Before it starts sliding down the boy’s thighs, though, Jongwoon scoops it back up with his middle and index fingers and pushes it back inside Ryeowook, taking the boy by surprise and making him sob.

The boy has no energy left at this point, and everything feels sore and sensitive, so he can’t help it when he feels tears form at the corner of his eyes once again. “Jongwoon…” he calls in an exhausted breath, unable to keep his eyelids from drooping.

“Oh. Oh no, baby. You’re not allowed to rest yet,” Jongwoon sarcastically scolds him, lifting Ryeowook’s body up against him. He holds the boy’s head up by the chin, turning it just enough so Ryeowook can look at him, and presses a kiss on his forehead, creating a stark contrast between the affectionate gesture and his mocking tone of voice. “I’m not stopping until I’ve filled you to the brim with my cum. M’gonna fill you up so much you’ll be able to fucking _taste_ it.”

Ryeowook’s vision is so blurred out at this point he can barely make up Jongwoon’s features. The boy rests his cheek against Jongwoon’s shoulder, looking for support. “Please…” His voice is so weak it comes out as barely even a whisper.

“Please what, baby boy ?”

“Please do it,” Ryeowook eventually manages to make up despite how drowsy, exhausted and broken-minded he is. “Use… use me as your little cum dump, Jongwoon…”

“Oh, don’t worry. I have every intention to do so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up. Jongwoon's cum kink gets much much worse as the story progresses. Don't @ me.


	4. The Things Left Unspoken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE. WHOO. God, it took me so long to write this chapter (the Curse of the Fourth Chapter™ still follows me after 13 years of writing) and I rewrote it about 8-9 times, to the point where even the people I annoyed to death with it (I'm mostly thinking about my friend [Naja](https://twitter.com/cherryeowook), you blessed soul, you are a saint among saints) will be able to tell that it's very different from what I originally wrote. I'm sorry it took so long. I really got stuck on it and it took me WEEKS to figure out what was wrong with it. I thought it was the fluidity of the dialogue, but turns out it was the dialogue itself (aka the words they used) that really bugged me, so I changed it. Anyway. I hope you enjoy it, because boy I worked too hard on this, so please leave some feedback ! And as always, [follow me on twitter](https://twitter.com/domjwoon) to get progress updates on this fic :)

Ryeowook wakes up to the mattress dipping under Jongwoon’s weight behind him as he’s climbing back into the bed. Arms snake around his waist, drawing him closer until Jongwoon’s body is pressed against his back, and Ryeowook feels like he’s in heaven.

Except everything hurts.

It reminds him of that one time Sungmin dragged him to the gym and he woke up the next day with stiff limbs and had barely been able to do anything without having to give up halfway through because of the pain. Except tenfold. His arms, his legs, even his non-existent abs hurt like a bitch—yet for some reason, he sort of likes it.

Memories of what happened the night before come to him as nothing but blurred visions, and Ryeowook realizes he can barely remember what happened after the first time he nearly passed out from exhaustion. But he feels so great, so safe, so calm at the moment that he can’t even let that bother him.

“Good morning, baby,” Jongwoon grumbles sleepily against the back of his shoulder, arms tightening even more around him. He drags his body closer, wanting to be as flush against Ryeowook as he can, and the boy lets out a small cry in surprise because _something is moving inside of him_ as Jongwoon’s hips connect with his backside, and he has no idea what’s going on.

Jongwoon, though, _does_ know, if the smirk Ryeowook feels forming against his skin is anything to go by. The older nuzzles into the crook of his neck, pressing a kiss on the purple bruise just below Ryeowook’s earlobe, and hums in content—he sounds satisfied.

“Looks like it did stay in all night,” Jongwoon figures, still smirking. With his left arm still wrapped tightly around Ryeowook’s middle, tucked under the boy’s hip, he slides his other hand between them to press against the base of the small object inside of him : a plug.

_Jongwoon’s put a plug inside of him_, Ryeowook realizes, and he tries his hardest to remember when that happened, but the ability of even _attempting_ to think becomes nothing more than a fantasy when Jongwoon starts moving the plug around in circles, slowly, gently, but still enough to make Ryeowook’s mind cloud over once more.

“How do you feel ?” Jongwoon murmurs into his ear. Ryeowook’s entire body is overcome with chills. He feels really good. _Really, really fucking good_, but he’s unable to even form words; his voice comes out strained and his throat hurts, too—it’s dry, irritated, and it’s painful to even try to speak up. What the hell has Jongwoon done to him ?

Something amazing, that’s for sure, because Ryeowook swears he’s never felt this blissful in his entire life. Even if Jongwoon is torturing him first thing in the morning after seemingly fucking him so hard the night before Ryeowook has barely any recollection of it. Not that it isn’t the first time this happens, either, but he doesn’t believe he’ll ever get used to it.

Jongwoon’s movements suddenly come to a halt, but the pressure he’s applying never subsides. He rests his forehead against Ryeowook’s shoulder, sighing heavily; he’s happy. He’s so incredibly happy, and he finds himself thinking that waking up next to Ryeowook might as well be his definition of Heaven because it feels so right it almost makes him ponder for a second if all of this is nothing but a dream.

Thankfully, it’s all too real, and Jongwoon wonders what he did to be deserving of such a chance; to be able to have Ryeowook, _all of him_, _to_ _himself_ in this way is everything he wants, and even more so. He's whipped, he knows it, and he doesn’t give a shit.

“You did so well last night,” he compliments; Ryeowook’s stomach is filled with a familiar warmth, the one Jongwoon always manages to make appear whenever he praises him like that. _He’s done well_. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”

Ryeowook lets out a strained and strangled moan when Jongwoon pulls the plug out, excruciatingly slowly, and the boy is left clenching around nothing, silently begging to be filled again. He’s not aware when a whine escapes him, only catching up when Jongwoon quietly shushes him, calming him down instantly.

It still shocks him that Jongwoon has such a soothing effect on him, even if he’s no stranger to it by now; it’s been this way since the beginning, but it’s the first time Ryeowook experiences something like this with someone, where he feels completely at ease, and as if the world around him stopped moving for a moment and only he and Jongwoon mattered.

Jongwoon, still keeping his arm under Ryeowook, rolls around on his back to discard the plug, letting it rest on the wash cloth he had retrieved earlier—hence why he had left the bed before Ryeowook woke up—smiling to himself when he sees that it’s still covered in his own cum. It accomplished the purpose which Jongwoon had intended; it kept all of it inside of him, as he had vowed, and as the younger had been _so_ willing to receive and beg for, and he couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.

With his other arm, Jongwoon pulls the boy closer, making him roll over until Ryeowook’s head is tucked under him and lying on his chest. The younger lets himself be handled without a fuss, mostly because he’s so incredibly sore he doesn’t think he even has the strength to fight back. Not that he wants to in the first place, anyway. Being cradled like this, safe in Jongwoon’s arms, is something he’d never reject—he’d never be able to.

“Happy one hundred days, baby,” Jongwoon whispers, seemingly out of nowhere, and it catches Ryeowook out of surprise.

“You… you counted ?” he croaks, sounding like he’s got a very bad cold, but Jongwoon only appears amused by this. The man reaches over the bedside table instead, grabbing the glass of water in his hand and bringing it over to Ryeowook. He pulls himself up slightly, half sitting against the headboard, and helps Ryeowook do the same before giving it to him. The boy accepts it gladly, the cold water stinging a bit but overall very welcome, and most importantly helpful in soothing his ache.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon finally admits, taking the glass back from Ryeowook as he's emptied it, putting it back in its original spot. “I just… I don’t really know why I did, to be honest. I just felt like I had to. You’ve become important to me, so it was worth at least acknowledging it, right ?” Ryeowook doesn’t answer. “Sweetheart ? Are you okay ?”

“Yeah, it’s just… sometimes it feels as if you’re not real,” Ryeowook admits, mumbling against Jongwoon’s side as he scoots closer, as if he hadn’t actually wanted him to hear.

Jongwoon starts petting Ryeowook’s hair. “What do you mean ?”

“I just…” Ryeowook begins after spending a moment to think. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s as if… you just _know_ what I need. When I need it. You know exactly what to tell me, how to act, how… you can do things to me no one’s ever managed to do, and without me even telling you, because even _I_ didn't know I could experience those things. It's like you’re living in my head, so sometimes I wonder if it’s not just because you are literally _in my head_.”

Jongwoon looks down at him and, in complete silence, readjusts his position so he’s able to lift Ryeowook up until they can see at eye level. Jongwoon then pulls him in for a kiss; slow, languid, yet still incredibly soft and sweet, and Ryeowook’s heart puts him under the impression that it’s escaped from his chest completely.

“You’re doing it again,” Ryeowook breathes once they part. Jongwoon presses their foreheads together, tracing small circles along Ryeowook’s cheek with his thumb, and smiles.

“Doing what ?” Jongwoon inquires, although he can already make up a vague idea of the answer in his mind already.

“Making me feel like I’m floating. What the hell _are_ you, Kim Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook interrogates him; he’s trying to sound serious, but for some reason the situation sort of amuses him, so he’s unable to keep an entirely straight face. The smile tugging at the corner of his lips betrays him.

“Are you sure you really want to know ?” Jongwoon prods him, the smirk on his face on the border between amused and devilish, but there’s a seriousness underlining his words that Ryeowook picks up on.

Ryeowook decides to ignore his worries and anxiety for once and places his hands on Jongwoon’s chest, pushing him away so they can look at each other. Jongwoon’s bemused expression quickly switches to one of confusion as he tries to analyze Ryeowook’s features in an attempt to understand what’s going on through his mind.

“Y-yeah… I’d like to know. You’re too perfect. It’s fishy,” Ryeowook attempts to joke to prevent the mood from growing heavier and more awkward, but he ultimately fails. Still, he pushes through, even if he knows Jongwoon can read him like an open book, because maybe if he keeps this front up, he’ll manage to convince him eventually. “Next thing I know, you’re gonna be wearing an entire spandex body suit and an executioner’s mask and whipping me while we’re having sex.”

There’s a short moment of silence where Jongwoon’s expression is completely unreadable, and Ryeowook is afraid he’s fucked up badly. He can feel the gears in his mind overheating as he tries to come up with an apology; but then, Jongwoon laughs.

Jongwoon actually laughs, nearly to the point of tears, and now Ryeowook feels so disoriented he can’t even think of questioning Jongwoon on how weird he’s acting right now because his brain is just simply not responding.

“Is that really what you think of me ?” Jongwoon checks once he’s calmed down enough to regain his ability to align two words without bursting into laughter again.

“W-well— I mean— it’s just that—”

“You wouldn’t be _exactly_ wrong,” Jongwoon then concedes, acting as if what he’s just admitted to couldn’t even have the possibility of making Ryeowook feel like a bomb’s just been dropped on him, “although that’s quite a crude way to put it. It’s a bit more complex than that. And I don’t tend to go _that_ far, either.”

“What ?”

Jongwoon’s smile then falls, and he sighs. “Come here,” he beckons him softly, and the younger hesitantly follows his demand, coming closer and letting Jongwoon seat him on his lap. The older caresses the bare skin on his sides and looks at him like he’s the most precious and beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his entire life, and Ryeowook doesn’t know what to think. “Hey. Look at me.” Jongwoon brings one of his hands up to lift Ryeowook's chin until the boy has no choice but to do as he’s told. He gently brushes his fingers through his hair and Ryeowook can’t help but lean into his hand, because no matter how confused and lost and nervous he’s feeling at the moment, Jongwoon’s touch has always had a very calming and soothing effect on him. “Do I scare you ?”

Ryeowook is so focused on Jongwoon massaging the back of his head to reply immediately, and his lack of response, although Jongwoon can tell he’s calmed down and not rejecting his touch, makes the older man’s heart sink into his chest.

“Baby ?”

“N-no,” Ryeowook shakes his head slightly. “I just… I _am_ scared, but not of you.”

“What are you scared of ?”

Ryeowook looks down, ashamed. “Not being good enough ?” He looks up at Jongwoon again. “I… I have no experience with this. I know nothing about it. I’m scared I’ll disappoint you and that you won’t want me anymore.”

Jongwoon feels his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. Wanting to comfort Ryeowook—and himself too, although it’s very likely something he’ll never admit—he wraps his arms around the boy’s smaller frame and buries his nose into the crook of his neck. His hold only tightens when he senses Ryeowook tensing up, and suddenly Jongwoon is overthrown with guilt, because he’s never meant to make Ryeowook feel this way.

“Never,” Jongwoon assures in a shaky breath. “Oh, baby, no. Please don’t think that.”

Ryeowook finally responds to Jongwoon’s embrace, locking his arms around his neck, and Jongwoon sits back just far enough so he can make eye contact with Ryeowook once again. He wants him to know he’s being sincere; he wants him to feel safe, cared for, comfortable—to feel like he’s the most important person in Jongwoon’s life in this moment, because he is, and it’s the only truth Jongwoon wants Ryeowook to be aware of.

“Listen to me carefully,” Jongwoon speaks softly, brushing through Ryeowook’s hair again. “Just because I’m into certain things doesn’t mean it’s mandatory, okay ? I love what we have now. And I’ll never, _ever_ force you or pressure you into doing things you’re not comfortable with. You know that, right ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t need to reflect on it. He knows that—of course he knows that. Jongwoon’s never once made him feel like he didn’t have a choice, like he was inadequate, like he had to obey his every wish without having a say in it. Jongwoon’s always asked, always _required_ his permission before doing anything else, and Ryeowook knows that because it’s the first time anyone’s ever seemed to care enough to even think about doing that. Jongwoon’s always been the one to make decisions for the both of them, but in the end, Ryeowook’s always had the final word. Every single time.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods, suddenly feeling much better, much _lighter_ than he had only seconds ago. “Yeah, I know that,” he repeats with more assurance, and he can’t help but mirror Jongwoon when the latter smiles at him. They both let out a heavy sigh of relief at the same time, which makes Ryeowook giggle, and Jongwoon holds him even tighter against him.

They lay there in silence for a bit, enjoying the comforting aftermath of a happy ending to a very heavy emotional moment as they hold on to each other tightly, until an idea pops into Ryeowook’s mind.

“I really do know nothing about this kind of stuff,” he begins, no traces of his previous hesitation left inside his mind. “But if I said I wanted to try, would you be willing to teach me ?”

Jongwoon pulls away in surprise, eyeing Ryeowook in bewilderment, trying to find any sign of doubt hiding behind the boy’s expression, but there is none. He’s never seen Ryeowook so sure of something before, and for a moment, he has no idea how to react.

“Of course,” he eventually responds, nearly stumbling on his own words from the shock. “Of course, baby. I won’t lead you into something like this blindly. I’ll teach you everything you want—everything you _need_ to know.”

Ryeowook smiles brightly at him and hugs him firmly and so quickly that Jongwoon is taken by surprise and can’t properly respond to the embrace for a moment. “I trust you,” Ryeowook mumbles against his shoulder, and Jongwoon’s heart stops beating.

“God, you’re so perfect,” he lets escape in a breath, and he holds Ryeowook there, in his arms, for who knows how long—it could’ve been ten minutes as well as ninety, as time seems to work differently when it comes to Ryeowook.

There’s a comfortable silence settling between the two as they simply allow themselves to enjoy each other’s presence. Ryeowook thinks he can fall back asleep, like this, sitting in Jongwoon’s lap, soothed by the man’s comforting scent and hold on him. He doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t want this to end, and there’s a thought that flashes through his mind just then that has his stomach tangle into knots.

He might’ve actually fallen in love with Jongwoon.

It shouldn’t surprise him as much as it does, because since the very beginning, Jongwoon’s always made him feel special; like he was the most coveted work of art on Earth that needed to be cherished and cared for, and this even though for most of it, they were nothing but a sex thing. Well, only in technicality, because Jongwoon’s never felt like one, and he’s never made _him_ feel like one either. Ryeowook doesn’t believe in soulmates, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever do, but Jongwoon might as well be the closest thing to one in his mind in that moment.

“So you’re not gonna whip me, right ?” Ryeowook jokes suddenly, breaking the peaceful silence between them at last.

Jongwoon chuckles lowly. “No, don’t worry. I won’t ever do things to you that you’re not into, or that we haven’t discussed prior. All of this should be an agreement between the two of us. It’s about what we both want.”

“It sounds like you’re gonna make me sign a contract,” Ryeowook comments. “Kinda like Fifty Sh—”

“Don’t mention that… _thing_ in my presence,” Jongwoon cuts off. He means to sound angry, but he finds that anger isn’t really a feeling he thinks he’s even able to feel when it’s about Ryeowook; it comes out as more playful than anything else. “I’m not gonna make you sign some kind of paper that I can dangle in your face to remind you what we’ve agreed upon if you back away. You’ll always have the option to change your mind. Whether it’s before or during, you’ll _always_ have that choice. That’s what safewords are for.”

“Safewords ?”

“Something you say or do to let the other know it’s getting too far and you want things to stop,” Jongwoon explains, and his expression shifts to a more suggestive one. “Helps when I have you begging for me to stop.”

Ryeowook hopes Jongwoon can’t feel his cock pulsing at his words, but with the way they’re positioned, having it pressed against Jongwoon’s lower stomach, he probably—and most likely—can. Although if he does, he doesn’t comment on it.

“You’ll need a verbal and non-verbal one,” Jongwoon continues, catching Ryeowook’s fleeting attention again. He reaches up, tilting Ryeowook’s chin, and runs his thumb delicately across his lips. “In case I decide to make use of that pretty little mouth of yours and take away your ability to speak.”

Ryeowook shifts in Jongwoon’s lap against his own will, and he hopes with all his might that he doesn’t get hard, because now is not the time to be a horny mess. He never thought he’d ever get so aroused over a simple discussion, and yet here he is, picturing all the possible ways Jongwoon can bring his words to life, and willing to take nearly everything Jongwoon could throw his way. But that thought leads to another one, more serious this time, that Ryeowook can’t neglect and ignore.

“You say this is about what we both want,” he speaks up, bashful. “But what if I don’t know what I want ?”

“Then we’ll start slow,” Jongwoon replies without hesitation. “We’ll begin with the basic stuff and we work our way up. We’ll get to learn your limits and where to draw the line as we go, if you trust me with doing that. In which case, the color system is our best option for a verbal safeword.”

“Color system ?”

“It offers degrees of uneasiness rather than a harsh line between what’s okay and what’s going overboard. Green means ‘good to go’—yellow means ‘hey, I’m not so sure about this, please check on me ?—and red means ‘stop everything’. Does that sound like something you’d like to use ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t give it much thought. It’s simple enough. “Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.”

“Can you think of anything for a non-verbal one ? A sound you can make without using your voice ?”

Ryeowook hums and frowns as he thinks about it for a moment, and fuck he looks so cute right then that Jongwoon has to mentally slap himself so he doesn’t get distracted; Ryeowook’s adorableness is almost irresistible, and it drives him crazy because all he can think about now are all the possible ways he can absolutely ruin him, but he can’t do that right now.

“I can snap my fingers ?” Ryeowook proposes.

“That’s a good one,” Jongwoon praises. “You’re doing amazing. But are you sure it's still something you want to try out with me ?”

“Yes.” Ryeowook replies with absolute certainty. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” _but if I have to do this with anyone, I’m glad it’s with you_, he almost says, but catches himself at the last minute. “But I want to.”

Jongwoon smiles brightly at him and pushes his bangs back, clearing up his face. “You’ve already been so responsive to submission,” he adds, and suddenly something ticks inside Ryeowook’s mind. “You’re so good at doing what I say and taking what I give you. You have no idea how crazy it drives me.”

Ryeowook frowns as he tries to make sense of all his thoughts at the moment. He’s inexperienced, but not completely clueless either. He knows what Jongwoon meant by submission, but he only has a pretty rough—and inaccurate, he now realizes fully—idea of what it entails. He’s always thought there was a power imbalance in this kind of dominant/submissive relationship thing, but Jongwoon is showing him now that it couldn’t be further from the truth. He wants to learn more—to learn everything about it, because Jongwoon was right when he said he had a natural impulse to submit to him. It’s always felt like it was the right thing to do, and he’s very open to expanding that even more.

“So… you like it when people… like… obey you ?” Ryeowook asks hesitantly, unsure of how to put his vision of it all into words.

“I guess you could say that,” Jongwoon shrugs. “I can’t tell you where it comes from, but I’ve always had this compelling need to just… take care of somebody. To give them what I think they need, and gain satisfaction out of being able to make them feel good. But I want it to come from me alone. I want the other person to trust that I can create a pleasurable experience for them, and I want them to trust that I’ll always stay within the boundaries they’ve set for themselves.”

“So trust really is important to you,” Ryeowook reflects, now grasping why Jongwoon kept insisting on this specific detail since the very beginning.

“Very.” Jongwoon’s hold on him tightens. “It means everything to me. So if you disobey and start acting like a brat and demanding things from me,” he adds in a half-scolding, half-playful sort of voice, “it means you don’t trust that I can do that. So I need to put you back in your place.”

“As in ?”

“You get punished,” Jongwoon replies immediately, the seriousness of his words betrayed by the smirk on his face.

“How ?” Ryeowook inquires, both curious and teasing, mimicking Jongwoon’s flirtatious tone.

Jongwoon unwraps his arms from around the boy’s waist, opting to place them on his hips instead. And then he ventures a bit lower, gently caressing his upper thighs, and then dragging them back up, sneaking up Ryeowook’s lower stomach just enough to have him subconsciously shift in his lap to seek more—of what exactly, Ryeowook doesn’t know; he just wants _more_—making the mood turn from predominantly stern and serious to very suggestive entirely. “However I see fit, depending on what I’m reprimanding you of. It can range from spanking…” To emphasize his words, Jongwoon’s hands drift back to sit just at the fine line between the back of Ryeowook’s thighs and his ass, and the boy softly nibbles on his bottom lip. “… to overstimulation…” Jongwoon looks up at him. “… to orgasm denial. Things of the sort. How does that all sound ?”

“Exciting,” Ryeowook reacts without a thought.

Jongwoon chuckles lowly. _He’s so cute._ “Through all of it, I want you to remember one thing. I’m gonna be the one in control, and I’ll decide on what I’m going to give you based on what I think you need. But you’re truly holding the reigns here. _One_ word from you and I’ll stop everything.”

“The safeword,” Ryeowook remembers.

“Yes, the safeword. You’re learning fast,” Jongwoon compliments teasingly. “You must have a pretty good teacher.”

“I don’t know about that. It’s my first lesson. Maybe I’m just very smart,” Ryeowook claps back, and something flashes through Jongwoon’s eyes that the boy can’t really describe; but he knows for a fact that it means Jongwoon liked him talking back, and he feels a bit more confident now, just from that.

Ryeowook doesn’t want to say he’s been acting like a completely different person with Jongwoon than he is in reality, because that’s not really it. But he’s been more reserved, and less snappy and confrontational than he is with everyone else. He guesses it was out of fear Jongwoon would take it the wrong way, but he sees now that he’s been worrying about nothing. 

Ryeowook thinks that despite Jongwoon saying he likes being obeyed without question, but he has the feeling that he’s into brattiness probably just as much, and he’s going to keep that in mind for the future.

Jongwoon isn't the only one who's learned to read what the other is thinking.

“You know,” Ryeowook then moves on, “I never thought this would be the conversation we’d have first thing in the morning.”

Jongwoon laughs and Ryeowook follows; he’s right. It’s sort of ridiculous, but somehow it felt right. It had to be done, and they both feel so much better now that things are laid out on the table in front of them.

“Right. Let’s go take a shower,” Jongwoon proposes, sounding as if he, too, almost fell asleep in the embrace. “And then we can discuss things further, if you have any questions.”

Ryeowook nods. “Sounds good.”

They break apart, albeit reluctantly, but they stay close on their way to the bathroom, as though they were attracted to each other like magnets, inexorably drawn to the other as if an invisible chain was wrapped around them, pulling them together—something they could not control, even if they had wanted to.

It’s not the first time they shower together, but this time, there’s something about it that feels entirely different. The atmosphere appears more serene, more comfortable, and as Ryeowook lets Jongwoon pamper him and take care of him, gently massaging the shampoo on his scalp from behind him, he feels at peace. His earlier anxiety, worry and fear are missing from him now, and he feels light.

Jongwoon’s hands glide down to the nape of his neck, then to his upper back, untangling the knots in Ryeowook’s muscles with extreme delicacy. He’s treating Ryeowook as if he were made of glass, but the latter finds that he doesn’t mind being held in such regard; because it’s coming from Jongwoon, that is. Were it anyone else, however, Ryeowook would’ve without a doubt been irked by this. He usually doesn’t like being treated like a fragile porcelain doll, nor being babied, but Jongwoon somehow has the ability to make it look endearing to him, as well as incredibly arousing, too.

Jongwoon’s movements eventually come to a halt, only for his warm lips to replace one of his hands on Ryeowook’s shoulder, and the boy shivers. Jongwoon smirks against his skin and trails up until he reaches the crook of his neck; his arms snake around his waist, holding him in place, and Ryeowook practically melts into Jongwoon’s embrace.

“I’m so glad I met you,” Jongwoon speaks lowly as he reaches forward with his right hand to turn the water off, still hanging on to Ryeowook with his other. _I can’t believe how perfect you are for me_, he wants to add. Yet he doesn’t.

Jongwoon pecks Ryeowook’s check before turning him around so he’s facing him. He cups Ryeowook’s face in his hands, the both of them smiling at each other like idiots, and Jongwoon bends down to kiss him, backing him up into the shower wall and trapping him with his body—one hand staying on Ryeowook’s jaw and the other reaching down to hold him by the waist, and the latter can do nothing but return his affection.

Never in a million years would Ryeowook have thought that he would get to meet a man like Jongwoon, or even that _a man like Jongwoon_ even existed in the first place. Everything about their relationship just feels right, and even though Ryeowook still has so many insecurities—he’s still so afraid he’s going to screw things up, somehow, and lose Jongwoon forever—he’s also convinced this is the perfect relationship for him.

Ryeowook knows, however, that the topic they had exchanged about earlier is most likely going to change a lot about what they have; for the better or the worse, that he can’t be sure, but he’s mostly excited about it. _Mostly_. He still doesn’t know what he’s doing, or what Jongwoon is going to ask him to do, and he still worries about a lot of things—but he also knows deep down that Jongwoon is there to guide him, and that he’s in safe hands.

He’s never blindly trusted someone so much in his entire life, and never so easily. And yet, no doubt subsists in his mind. No hesitation, no questioning, no thought at the back of his head advising him to be careful—unless Sungmin counts as that voice, in which case he definitely has one—and keep some distance.

He feels ready to give himself up with complete abandon to Jongwoon.

He _loves_ him. He knows that by now, and he secretly hopes Jongwoon knows it too, because he’s too afraid to say it out loud.

Their kiss grows more and more heated, with Jongwoon struggling to confine his excitement and hold back the more it goes on; he can’t stop thinking about all the things he wants to do with Ryeowook if he lets him, and it’s driving him completely crazy.

Jongwoon lowers his right hand down to wrap his fingers around Ryeowook’s throat. He doesn’t apply any pressure, but it’s enough to have Ryeowook quietly whimper into the kiss, a small but inviting sound that nearly makes Jongwoon’s mind break apart. He bites down on Ryeowook’s lower lip gently as he pulls away, panting, detaches his hand from Ryeowook’s neck so he can support himself against the wet tile behind the boy, and presses his forehead against Ryeowook’s as they both catch their breath.

“Fuck,” he curses under his breath. “I’m sorry. I got a bit carried away. God, you’re driving me fucking crazy.”

For a moment, Ryeowook doesn’t answer, but the next thing Jongwoon knows is the boy pulling him down by the neck to connect their lips together once again, and for a split second Jongwoon can’t move. He’s nearly in shock, because Ryeowook’s never really initiated anything of the sort on his own volition, and that since the beginning of their relationship, but fuck, it makes him so, _so_ happy. He can finally be certain that Ryeowook is getting more comfortable around him, and in the end, it’s the only thing he could ever wish for.

Jongwoon quickly takes control of the kiss, lifting Ryeowook’s arms up in the air and pinning them on either side of his head against the wall, and Ryeowook nearly melts; his knees threaten to give out, and if it weren’t for Jongwoon’s knee between his legs and his hold on his wrists, he might have actually collapsed for real.

Jongwoon ravishes his lips as if they were his last meal, and it nearly hurts, but in a good way; and he finds that he really, really loves being trapped like this, completely helpless and at Jongwoon's mercy, and Jongwoon can tell by the way his cock his twitching against his thigh.

Ryeowook can feel him smirk against his lips, and then, there’s nothing. Jongwoon completely pulls away without warning, and Ryeowook is left confused and staring at Jongwoon like he’s just told him he’s murdered his friends in cold blood.

Jongwoon chuckles to himself and steps forward again, cupping Ryeowook’s face in his hands to kiss the shock off his bewildered expression, but it’s way too short for Ryeowook to even be satisfied with it.

“You’re so cute,” Jongwoon smiles at him before he lets go of him, and he slides the shower glass door open. He steps out first, retrieving a clean towel for each of them from the cupboard; he throws his own over his shoulder and beckons Ryeowook to step out in turn; when he executes himself, Jongwoon wraps the navy blue cloth over the boy’s smaller frame, pulling it up to dry out his hair for him. Jongwoon’s always enjoyed doing that for him, even if Ryeowook is an adult and entirely capable of doing it himself. He physically can’t help himself.

Ryeowook blankets himself with the towel as he waits for Jongwoon to dry himself too, catching himself staring at the man’s naked body for longer than he anticipated. Jongwoon was slim, but he could clearly see the defined outline of his abs—he looked in no way like a typical muscular guy, but he was surprisingly strong, and fuck was he also incredibly sexy. Ryeowook could never get enough of admiring his features; he almost reminded him of an anime character, too surrealistically handsome to be real.

Ryeowook wonders at times about how he managed to catch the attention of such a beautiful man when he has no doubt Jongwoon could’ve had anyone else. Ryeowook is in no means insecure about his looks, but he also isn’t deluded; he knows prettier people exist—Jongwoon himself is proof of this, really—so sometimes he can’t help it.

But he certainly isn’t complaining.

“Enjoying the view ?” Jongwoon teases as he’s ruffling his hair with the red piece of fabric.

“No, I’m not… _shut up_,” Ryeowook mumbles in return without thinking, but he instantly regrets his words when Jongwoon’s movements come to an abrupt stop.

The man is looking at him straight in the eye with an unreadable expression adorning his face. “What did you just say to me ?”

“I— I don’t—” Ryeowook stutters, unable to come up with a believable excuse.

“Do I have to teach you manners, little one ?” The fondness in Jongwoon’s voice clashes directly with the sinister glimmer in his eyes and the seriousness of his words, and this strange combination has Ryeowook shiver in a mix of excitement, apprehension, arousal, and fear—he can’t tell if Jongwoon is _actually_ upset or not, but the atmosphere feels heavier and more tense now.

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook apologizes. “I didn’t mean to—”

“That won't cut it,” Jongwoon interrupts him. “You _do not_ get to act like a little brat with me and expect to get away with it. Do you remember what I told you little brats deserve ?”

Ryeowook frowns. He understands now. Jongwoon’s not actually mad at him—he’s teaching him a lesson. “… punishment ?”

“That’s right,” Jongwoon confirms sharply. “Do you remember the position I told you to stay in last night ?” Ryeowook nods. “This is how we’ll start our scenes. I want you to wait for me like this, but at the foot of the bed facing it, and kneeling on the floor. Can you do that ?” Ryeowook nods again, but Jongwoon doesn't seem to like it. “No. Here’s another lesson for you : unless I’ve got you gagged, I need verbal answers. I’m going to ask again. Can you do what I just told you ?”

“Yes. I can.”

Jongwoon smirks devilishly at him. “Good. Now go.”

Jongwoon proudly stares at him as the boy obeys, and waits there for a bit after he watches Ryeowook disappear into the hallway, leaving him enough time to reach the bedroom and do as he was told. He takes this moment to reflect on how easy and obedient Ryeowook is, and how it's quite a change from his past experiences. He loves it; a challenge is always interesting, but it’s different this time since the boy has no experience. It makes it easier for Jongwoon to teach him, so he’s glad Ryeowook isn’t _too_ stubborn and defiant.

He smiles to himself as he wraps his towel around his waist, and he joins Ryeowook in his room, _finally_. He sees the boy patiently waiting for him as he had the night before. He hears him breathe out heavily, but recognizes it as a sigh of relief rather than anxiety—Ryeowook really does trust him, and Jongwoon honestly couldn’t ask for more.

Ryeowook can’t tell if he should be looking at him as Jongwoon walks to the edge of the bed and sits in front of him, or if doing so would be an act of defiance. The thrill of the unknown feels exciting, and he realizes that the anxiety he was expecting to experience is missing. It feels strangely comforting to him, knowing that he has no control and that Jongwoon is in charge, as though Jongwoon is the rightful owner of his body and the only one allowed to choose what Ryeowook can experience and even _think_.

Jongwoon cocks his head to the side and stares at Ryeowook like he’s the embodiment of love itself and reaches out to tip Ryeowook’s chin up so they can see eye-to-eye. Jongwoon’s eyes are scrutinizing, intense and persistent and it makes Ryeowook feel so small and vulnerable, in the best way possible.

“Hm… what should I do with you now..?” Jongwoon thinks out loud, smirking when he notices the flame of lust igniting in Ryeowook’s dark eyes. “Should I make use of that sinful mouth of yours and fuck your tight little throat until you can’t breathe anymore ?” He punctuates his words by dragging his thumb across Ryeowook’s silky lips, and the boy looks up at him with hopeful eyes; Ryeowook’s always had a thing for sucking him off, and he’s _really_ good at it too—even better than any of his past conquests, Jongwoon is sure of that. “Remember the non-verbal safeword you chose earlier ?”

Ryeowook nods and snaps in fingers behind him to prove to Jongwoon that he does remember, and Jongwoon breaks character to smile down at him for a brief moment.

“Good.”

Jongwoon pushes his thumb against Ryeowook’s mouth, and the boy gets the message. He parts his lips just enough for him to slide his index and middle finger in, twirling his tongue around them as though it were his cock, and fuck is that sight so arousing to Jongwoon.

So arousing, in fact, that Jongwoon decides to slide his fingers in as far as they’ll go as Ryeowook sucks on them and make the boy gag around them just to push things a little further; this is his punishment, after all, and Jongwoon’s not planning on being too soft on him either.

His cock pulses, already starting to strain under the towel, and fuck he has to applaud himself for keeping composure just then because all he wants to do is to ruin Ryeowook entirely and pound into him until he passes out from exhaustion.

Ryeowook pushes back the tears forming at the corner of his eyes as Jongwoon’s fingers keep stimulating the back of his tongue and keeps sucking on them because that’s what Jongwoon wants, and that’s what _he_ wants too; to please him, to be used by him however he wishes, and his cock throbs against his thigh, already leaking against his skin and dripping onto the floor in front of him.

Jongwoon pulls his fingers out when he feels that Ryeowook’s getting close to his limit, but he doesn’t give him time to breathe before he’s holding him tightly by the jaw with the same hand, the spit covering his fingers transferring onto Ryeowook’s cheek, and bends down to kiss him. A kiss that’s anything but gentle and tender—rather, it’s animalistic, almost violent in a way, as everything is accentuated by Jongwoon’s iron grip on him.

Jongwoon’s other hand comes up to tangle itself through Ryeowook’s hair, pulling on it just enough to make Ryeowook’s scalp tingle, and lowers the one cupping his face to wrap it around his throat. Jongwoon’s experienced this with him multiple times before, and although he’s never applied any pressure, the response coming from Ryeowook had always been surprisingly positive—he has no doubt in his mind that Ryeowook’s into it, so he tightens in grip around his throat, cutting off his air flow almost completely.

Ryeowook lets out a strangled moan into the kiss, and _fuck_, he’s floating again, but this time it feels so much more different, as though he's getting high on some really powerful drug. He’s so into it he has a hard time believing it himself. He’s been choked during sex before, but never like this, never so strongly and yet so affectionate in the weirdest way because Jongwoon is still mindful enough to release him every few seconds to allow him to breathe—he feels lightheaded, but just enough so his instincts don’t kick in and make him believe he’s in any danger. That’s what’s so special about Jongwoon; he could do things like this to him and he’d still feel so incredibly safe.

Jongwoon only lets go when he pulls away from the kiss, but not for very long. His hands go back up to their original spot around his chin, and he presses his fingers so hard against his cheeks that Ryeowook is forced to keep his mouth open. Jongwoon hovers over him and gathers saliva into his own mouth before he spits it out into Ryeowook’s, letting it drop down slowly, and Ryeowook’s brain fries over when he attempts to figure out how Jongwoon can make something like this so fucking sexy to him.

Jongwoon chuckles darkly, humming in content before connecting their lips together once more, but for a briefer and more tender kiss this time around as a way to reward Ryeowook for accepting his little _gift_ so willingly. His cock is fully hard now, staining the towel with precum, and he can’t wait any longer.

“Come on, little boy,” he spurs. “Wanna redeem yourself and show me how good you can be ?” Ryeowook nods, prompting Jongwoon to take his face into his hand once more, applying enough pressure for it to hurt, but not enough to be unbearable. Ryeowook winces and whines slightly, and his cock leaks even more onto his leg. _Fuck_. He loves it so much. “Hey, what did I tell you about answering questions ?”

“Verbal answers,” Ryeowook responds, albeit unassumingly.

“Then _answer me_.”

Ryeowook almost cums just then, just from the sheer coldness of Jongwoon’s tone, and he mentally curses himself for being so _easy_. “I do. I can prove you that I’m good.”

“Go on, then. I’m waiting.”

Jongwoon leans back, holding himself up on the bed with his arms as Ryeowook unsurely uncrosses his hands from behind his back to untie the towel around Jongwoon’s waist, baring his hard cock out to him. Ryeowook’s mouth goes dry at the sight, because _fuck he’s big_ and he’s never going to get used to it.

Still, he doesn’t want to make Jongwoon wait any longer; he really wants to prove to him that he’s a good boy, _his_ good boy, and he doesn’t want to let him down.

Ryeowook takes Jongwoon’s cock in his hand and strokes the shaft a few times before he lifts it up slightly, giving him access to Jongwoon’s balls, and gently suckles on one of them, looking up at Jongwoon with lustful eyes as the older man softly brushes his hair back, staring back at him with incredible fondness, as if he’d forgotten for a moment that this was supposed to be Ryeowook’s _punishment_. But he hasn’t. Ryeowook is just under a false impression, and Jongwoon wishes to keep it that way for a little longer.

Ryeowook trails his tongue along the length, on the underside of Jongwoon's cock; he’s going fairly slow—knowing full well Jongwoon is sensitive to it—before he reaches the swollen head. Ryeowook twirls his tongue around the tip, lapping at the precum leaking out and licking it clean as he keeps stroking him, and fuck Jongwoon’s going crazy.

Ryeowook looks so pretty like that, kneeling in front of him, enjoying the feeling of his cock on his tongue as much as Jongwoon does; Ryeowook may not know anything about Jongwoon’s lifestyle—because it _is_ a lifestyle for him, and it extends further than what Ryeowook knows for now, but Jongwoon doesn't want to tell him that just yet in case he doesn’t want to be a part of it—but he sure knows how to suck a dick, to the point where Jongwoon nearly can’t believe it.

He groans in annoyance when he realizes that it means Ryeowook’s had practice, therefore meaning he’s had _other partners_, and as much as that fact doesn’t really bother him, it’s the thought of Ryeowook being with anyone else that makes his blood boil down with rage. He has to stop himself from immediately shoving his cock down Ryeowook’s throat to claim it as his territory, because he wants to let the boy believe he’s in control just a little bit longer.

“Fuck,” Jongwoon breathes out, looking down at Ryeowook as he wraps his lips around him, his mouth feeling like a vacuum sucking him in; it usually takes him a long time to cum, thanks to his incredible self-control, but shit, Ryeowook’s so fucking good at this he knows he won’t last long if he keeps this up.

Ryeowook takes Jongwoon in further into his mouth, inch by inch so he can let his throat adapt, and uses his hand to tend to the rest of Jongwoon’s cock. Jongwoon starts pulling on Ryeowook’s hair, making him moan around him; the vibrations reverberate all across Jongwoon’s cock, and he can’t hold back anymore.

He _did_ say _he_ was going to fuck Ryeowook’s little throat until he couldn’t breathe, after all.

Using his grip on his hair, Jongwoon pulls Ryeowook’s head toward him as he bucks his hips up, thrusting his entire length into the boy’s mouth. Ryeowook doesn’t see it coming, and now he’s gagging around Jongwoon’s cock and _fuck_ it’s so good. He fucking loves it. And the fact that Jongwoon keeps him there, hand pushing against the back of his head so Ryeowook can’t pull away, makes it infinitely better.

The muscles at the back of his throat spasm around the head, and Ryeowook’s own cock feels so full and heavy it almost burns—he’s so ready to cum at this point, but he knows he needs Jongwoon’s permission to do so, and he doesn’t have it. He chokes out a moan and tries to breathe through his nose, but his airways are almost completely blocked at this point; his vision is about to turn to black when Jongwoon tugs his head back until just the tip remains lying on his tongue.

Ryeowook’s first breath comes out as yet another choked out moan—although it sounds closer to a desperate cry this time—and Jongwoon chuckles darkly.

“You love choking on my cock, don’t you, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon teases, and Ryeowook nods as much as he’s able to. He wants Jongwoon to do it again. Fuck, he could live the rest of his life attached to Jongwoon’s cock like that.

Ryeowook tries to move forward to take Jongwoon in again, but the hand tangled in his hand prevents him from doing so. His scalp tingles in pain, and Jongwoon chuckles again, sneering at Ryeowook’s poor and desperate attempts at getting what he wants without asking for permission—like he has that freedom. So instead, Jongwoon removes him from his cock entirely to Ryeowook’s obvious discontent; his eyes, dark and blown out and burning with lust, bore into the boy’s soul and Ryeowook shivers. His cock visibly pulses and it feels so strained and caged and it’s so overbearing at this point that he doesn’t feel his limbs anymore.

He wants to cum. He _needs_ to cum.

“Why are we having this lesson today ?” Jongwoon asks, voice so cold and sharp it feels as though knives are lacerating his skin.

Ryeowook’s mind is foggy, but he still manages to slur out an answer. “To teach me manners.”

“And what does it mean ?”

“… politeness ?” Ryeowook tries.

“I need a more complete answer than that, baby,” Jongwoon inquires, insistent.

Ryeowook takes deep breaths and tries to compose himself. “No talking back.” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow—there’s more than that, again. Ryeowook frowns, the gears in his mind running wild. “I must ask for permission before doing anything, because you’re in control.” His voice is unassured and more slurred, making him sound like a confused child, and shit, the fact that it’s coming from Ryeowook has Jongwoon’s vision turn red for a moment. “And… I have to listen to you. And do whatever you say.”

“_Exactly_ as I say,” Jongwoon corrects, but he doesn’t sound disappointed in him at all for getting that last part wrong. In fact, he looks incredibly proud, because Ryeowook is doing so well for a first time; Jongwoon’s heart completely melts into a puddle, and it suddenly feels as if it no longer belonged to him at all, although he pushes that thought back into his mind as soon as it appears. “Good boy.”

Jongwoon pets the hair at the back of Ryeowook’s head, and there he is again, feeling as though he’s floating, and he feels so good.

“You’re doing so well,” Jongwoon praises fondly. “Do you want to cum, baby ?”

Ryeowook is so far gone that he forgets about verbal answers for a second, simply nodding, and Jongwoon lets out a short and quiet ‘_hey_’ to effectively bring him back down to Earth. “Wanna cum choking on your cock again…”

Jongwoon wonders how Ryeowook can sound so precious and innocent saying such _vile_ things, and comes up with no answer, so he figures it’s just what makes him so special. It’s what drew him to the boy in the first place, he remembers.

“Can I ? _Please_ ?” Ryeowook continues and for the first time in his life, Jongwoon has no idea how to react in this situation. He’s completely taken aback; he absolutely did _not_ expect that, nor the effect it would have on him, and if it isn’t the hottest thing he’s ever experienced in his life—and he _has_ experienced _a lot_ in that domain—he doesn't know what is.

Ryeowook looks up at him with hopeful eyes. Jongwoon mentally slaps himself to regain composure. Right. _He’s the one being relied on here_. He can’t just allow himself to stay all confused and frozen like that.

“Of course. You’ve been so good. You deserve your reward.”

Jongwoon pushes Ryeowook onto his cock once more; he’s going a bit more gently now, but still goes just as deep as he had previously, and Ryeowook feels like he’s in Heaven. Jongwoon holds him there with one hand and brings his other to wrap around Ryeowook’s throat, and that’s it—Ryeowook’s cumming harder than he ever had before, and it’s saying a lot given that Jongwoon makes him think the exact same thing almost everytime they have sex, but this is entirely different.

Jongwoon throws his head back at the sight of Ryeowook coming undone under him, and he’s about to follow too—the feeling of Ryeowook’s mouth, his throat closing in around him, the way Ryeowook looks so cute yet so sinful on his knees in front of him, everything is too much and he can’t hold back anymore. He forcibly pulls Ryeowook away from his cock at the last second and spills himself all over the boy’s face and open mouth, and watches in amazement as his cum paints his skin and _marks_ him as his own.

“Fuck,” Jongwoon pants, chest rising heavily as he tries to calm down the erratic beating of his heart. “_Fuck_ _!_” he repeats, whisper-yelling, and rubs his hand on his face for a minute, because he’s unable to look at Ryeowook like that and keep his composure.

He’s never felt anything like this before with any of his previous partners. Never. And he has no idea how he’s supposed to feel about that.

Jongwoon curses again when he looks back at the boy, and he wastes no time in taking Ryeowook’s face in both hands, and bends down to crash his lips against the other’s. His fingers are sticky with his cum, and there’s some mixing into the kiss too, but Jongwoon doesn’t give a shit. He doesn't stop kissing Ryeowook as he’s pulling him up to his feet and guides him to sit in his lap, hands digging into the back of his thighs as the younger man clings to him and kisses him back with just as much intensity.

The kiss is nothing but raw passion, and they find that they’re unable to break away for more than a fraction of a second before they’re at each other’s lips again. Jongwoon’s grip tightens on him as he brings him closer, and closer, until there’s no more space between them; he growls in annoyance when he realizes he can’t get closer anymore, and his fingers dig even deeper into Ryeowook’s flesh—he’s going to have marks on him the next day, for _sure_.

Ryeowook finds that he loves this side of Jongwoon a lot. The less composed, more animalistic side he’s currently discovering, and he’s so proud because _he’s_ the one who can get him like this and make him completely lose his mind and break apart. The opposite is just as true, as Jongwoon also makes him go completely nuts—they’re a match made in Heaven, Ryeowook is sure of it.

They pull away once more and Jongwoon has to rest his forehead against Ryeowook’s left shoulder to prevent himself from attacking his lips yet another time. His iron grips on his thighs remains the same, however, for the entire time it takes both men to catch their breath. Jongwoon’s eyes are shut tight as he tries to calm himself down, because that’s enough for one day, as loud as his instincts are screaming at him that he needs to completely _own_ Ryeowook.

Jongwoon shakes his head from side to side as he pulls back and grabs Ryeowook by the back of the neck to bring him forward, making the boy nuzzle into the crook of his neck; he holds him tightly against him until Ryeowook's tense muscles relax and he goes limp in his arms, wanting to make sure he was completely okay before doing anything else.

“How are you feeling ?” Jongwoon questions him calmly, voice so deep Ryeowook can feel the vibrations against his chest.

“Great,” Ryeowook sighs in content. “But sticky.”

Jongwoon laughs. “And we just took a shower,” he jokes in turn before tugging his towel out from under him. The spot he used to dry his hair is still damp, so he uses that to clean Ryeowook’s face off as well as his hands, and then lazily throws it on the floor where Ryeowook's own release lays, deciding that this part isn’t important.

“You’re so amazing, you know that ?” Jongwoon compliments him, and he really means it. Ryeowook doesn’t reply—he doesn’t know how to—and instead tightens his hold on Jongwoon and buries his face in his neck once more. He doesn’t want to let go.

“I don’t want to go home,” he mumbles weakly into the Jongwoon’s skin, as the thought of having to let go of him brings another : the fact that he’s supposed to leave later tonight.

“Then don’t,” Jongwoon replies groggily, sounding as if he were either just about to fall asleep or waking up from a nap.

“I have to. I have school tomorrow.”

“I can drop you off,” Jongwoon offers, insisting. “I don’t want you to go home either.” _Ever_ is what he means to say, but he knows that it’s a ridiculous request, so he stays silent.

Well. He _thinks_ it is rather than _knows_, but it means the same thing in the end, right ?


	5. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to be honest with you all. I'm honestly not proud of this chapter. I reworked it a lot, and I mean a lot of times, and I still don't think it's up to par with the others, especially not chapter 4 which I think is the best so far (even though I struggled a lot with it too at first). But I'm literally at a dead end and I can't see how I can fix it, so here it is. I'm sorry if it disappoints any of you, it disappoints me too. I promise I'll redeem myself with the next chapter.
> 
> There's not much smut in it this time because it's finally time for the plot to start going somewhere, and maybe that's why it feels so out of place 😂

“It’s been a while since we’ve been able to meet,” Jongwoon notes, staring at his cup of coffee in front of him absently, and he sighs away his stress as he leans back into his chair before turning his attention to the coffee shop window, and glances at the crowded street without purpose.

“Yeah,” Heechul confirms, curiously looking out to try and see what Jongwoon is focusing on. “I guess we were both busy. I’ve been helping Geng practice for his next audition. A pain in the ass, if you ask me.”

Jongwoon smiles. “He’s starting to gain some recognition.” He remembers the days his friend used to work two full-time jobs so Hangeng could focus entirely on his acting career, despite how uncertain his future in the industry was. Heechul may be acting like it’s a chore, but Jongwoon knows that deep down, his friend wouldn’t hesitate to bend over in half for his boyfriend and do it all over again even if it only led to Hangeng landing a role in a thirty-second commercial.

“About time.” Heechul rolls his eyes, chuckling to himself. “How’s writing been going for you ?”

“Terrible,” Jongwoon wastes no time in answering. “I thought getting away from my usual distractions would help, but turns out it’s made things worse.”

“Distractions ? That’s what you call getting ass now ?” Heechul jokes, and Jongwoon contemplates throwing his boiling hot coffee at his friend’s face for a second.

“Ryeowook is _not_ a distraction,” Jongwoon defends immediately, unable to stop the words from coming out on their own volition. “I meant locking myself up in my office every day until I at least wrote two pages.”

“_Ryeowook_ ? Is it the same guy you told us about like, two months ago ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon admits sheepishly.

“So it’s getting serious,” Heechul deduces, a teasing smirk appearing on his lips as he takes another sip. “I thought you said you were taking a break from dating for at least a year after the disaster that was your last relationship.”

“I was planning on it,” Jongwoon admits, eyes clouding over in what Heechul can only guess is sadness; he remembers how devastated Jongwoon had been back then, and his heart breaks at the memory. “I don’t know what happened. It’s like something just… clicked, all of a sudden. One day it was just casual sex, and the next I was asking him to be my boyfriend.”

Heechul chokes on his drink. “Did… did I _really_ just hear you call someone your _boyfriend_ ?”

“Is there something wrong with that ?”

“Jongwoon, I’ve known you for over twenty-five years and _not once_ have I heard you call someone that. _Not once_,” Heechul repeats—he’s in shock and it shows. “You have to introduce me to the dude. I want to know who turned the cold-hearted Kim Jongwoon into a sappy _boyfriend_.”

“When was I ever cold-hearted ?” Jongwoon squints, confused by his friends’ words—and also purposely avoiding the topic of letting Heechul _anywhere near_ Ryeowook—because he has no recollection of ever acting like an asshole to his previous partners.

“I remember that guy you dated in senior year of college breaking up with you because you never once told him you loved him after over a year of dating,” Heechul recalls, “and when he confronted you about it, you flat out told him you weren’t sure if you even did.”

“That was a long time ago,” Jongwoon contests, internally cringing at the memory.

“You did the same thing with Hyukjae,” Heechul adds, and the atmosphere suddenly shifts, growing incredibly heavy and bleak; it seems as though Jongwoon still isn’t completely over him yet, not matter how hard he tries to convince people—himself included—that he is. “Sorry, that was low of me, I—”

“No,” Jongwoon stops him, shaking his head. “No, you’re right. As much as I would love to say he’s the one who fucked things up entirely, I know I didn’t always treat him right. The ruin of our relationship was a collective effort.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have brought it up—”

“I said it’s fine, Heechul,” Jongwoon insists, although he sounds angrier than he is reassuring; so Heechul drops it, because the last thing he wants is to see his best friend sulk over his ex all over again. “If I don’t want to fuck things up with Ryeowook, might as well reflect on what went wrong with Hyukjae in the first place so I don’t repeat the same mistakes all over again, instead of pretending like it never happened.”

“You’re too nice, Jongwoon.” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow, unsure of what his friend is implying by that. “Yeah, sure, maybe you have some weird commitment issues, but Hyukjae wasn’t a saint either. He was worse than you.”

Heechul isn’t wrong, and Jongwoon knows that. Still, he has trouble putting all the blame on the other’s shoulders for whatever reason, even if Hyukjae truly fucked him up—Jongwoon wouldn’t go as far as to say he’s _traumatized_, but he’s definitely carrying some scars, and deep down, he’s utterly terrified that the same thing is going to happen between he and Ryeowook, and that even though he’s very aware that Hyukjae and Ryeowook are absolute opposites of each other.

“Does Ryeowook know about your fucked up sexual habits ?” Heechul then jokes, trying to change the subject.

“_Fucked up_ ? You’re one to talk,” Jongwoon exclaims, trying to sound mad, but he can’t stop himself from laughing at how stupid his friend is. “I’m basically vanilla compared to you.” Heechul snorts—it’s true. “And yeah, he does. Well, _sort of_. He’s new to all of this, so I’m taking things slow with him to let him some time to learn. I don’t want to accidentally end up—”

“Traumatizing him ?”

“—_hurting him_,” Jongwoon continues, ignoring his friend’s comment.

“I don’t understand how you still manage to be such a big softie despite the fact that you’re so emotionally constipated,” Heechul wonders out loud, chuckling to himself. “You’re a walking contradiction, you know that ?”

“I’m good at multitasking,” Jongwoon jokes back, wanting the conversation to stay as lightheaded as possible—he doesn’t want to reflect on his flaws and issues over breakfast. Not today.

“I have to admit though,” Heechul continues, “as weird as it is to see you like that, I’m glad you seem to have found someone who’s right for you. You may think you’re slick, but I see the glimmer in your eyes when you talk about him. I can’t pretend I know for sure what your feelings about him are, but I can tell he makes you happy.”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon affirms, feeling his cheeks grow hotter, and he hopes he’s not turning completely red—he doesn’t want to give Heechul yet another reason to tease him. “Thanks. It means a lot coming from you.”

“I still want to meet the guy.”

“No.”

Heechul pretends to be offended by his friend’s bold and sharp refusal, and gasps dramatically. “Why not ?”

“Because if there’s anyone between the two of us that’s going to traumatize him, it’s you.”

“… you have a point.”

It’s around noon that Jongwoon goes back home only to lock himself up in his office again, as he’s done every day for the past two weeks to try and make progress on his work; but the story is advancing at such an agonizing pace that time no longer seems real to him.

Jongwoon’s brain is frying over, he can feel it. He thinks he might be going crazy when he looks over at the clock and realizes that it’s almost midnight; twelve hours he’s been stuck in there writing, and he honestly considers changing his name and moving to the North Pole to run away from his responsibilities for a moment.

He has no idea what he’s just written exactly, his fingers working on their own; but for some reason, he gets the feeling that he might be projecting his own feelings toward Ryeowook onto his characters. He can tell by the frantic beating of his heart against his chest—he’d be lying if he claimed the boy wasn’t a constant thought at the back of his mind. They'd never gone so long without seeing each other, and Jongwoon is growing restless; short phone calls and text messages just don’t cut it. He doesn’t know what bothers him more—his inability to write, or the fact that he misses Ryeowook so much it physically hurts him at this point.

He honestly feels like banging his head against the wall.

He’s been ignoring the endless texts, emails and calls from his editor for god knows how long by then—maybe three, four weeks ? He can’t really say for sure—but he still decided to focus on his work because he fully expects Jungsoo snap soon, and he better have at least a shell of a story to show him when he does because he really doesn’t want to endure another one of his lectures.

Except nothing more comes to mind.

It’s the bane of the existence of any writer—writer’s block. He’s been sitting there, unmoving, for another hour by the time he snaps out of his hyperfocus. Jongwoon sighs in defeat and slouches back in his office chair, and takes off his glasses to rub away the pain caused by the blue light of his computer screen before he straightens himself up again. He scrolls back up the Word document, figuring that maybe rereading what he had written prior could help him in some way.

He gets bored not even halfway through the chapter. Not that the story itself is boring per se, but it looks a bit plain and disconnected, a reminder of the mood he was in when started to write it—uninspired and unmotivated, much as he currently is, except that now he’s burdened with the distraction of his earlier conversation with Heechul that forces him to think about things—people—he shouldn’t even give a second of his attention to on top of it.

He’s in the middle of contemplating writing a manuscript to curse at everyone who believes being a writer is an easy job instead—he swears he’s going to end up writing it one day—when his phone starts buzzing on the desk next to his keyboard, effectively bringing him back down to earth.

Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smile when he reads the name and stares at the picture appearing on screen. He picks up, his earlier despair vanishing when he hears the small, tired voice on the other side greeting him.

“It’s late. Shouldn’t you be sleeping right now ?” Jongwoon nags, although he puts no effort into trying to sound like he’s mad at all.

“I’m sorry for calling you so late, I… am I bothering you ?”

“No. _God_, no. Not at all. I’m glad you called. Are you having trouble sleeping ?”

“Yeah… I think I just…”

“I miss you too,” Jongwoon beats him to it, already knowing what Ryeowook was about to say. He hears the boy sigh in relief on the other end.

“I wish you were here with me,” Ryeowook adds, his voice barely above a whisper.

There’s silence for a short minute on Jongwoon’s end as an idea pops into his head.

“Are you alone right now ?”

Ryeowook frowns in reflex, a bit confused my the seemingly random question. “Well, I’m in my bedroom, and Kyuhyun and Sungmin are in theirs… at least I think…”

“Good,” Jongwoon cuts in, and lifts his right leg up to cross his ankle over his left knee, sinking back into his chair.

“Why are you asking..?”

Ryeowook swears he can almost hear the smirk forming on the man’s lips just then. “Oh. You’ve had me thinking about what I would be doing if I were with you right now, and I’m afraid most of it is… something that would be inappropriate for your roommates to hear.”

Ryeowook stops breathing for a second. “… like what ?”

“Oh god, so many things…” Jongwoon throws his head back, staring at the ceiling as he tries to get his thoughts together. “I can’t stop picturing you all tied up to the point where you can’t move, so pretty and helpless under me, left completely at my mercy… Are you even aware of how hot you are when you’re baring yourself out to me and letting me do what I want to you ? I wish you could see your face and the look in your eyes when I stretch your perfect little ass out with my cock, and all the pretty sounds you make… God, I wish I could have you like this every day.”

The huskiness of Jongwoon’s voice nearly matches with the dirtiness of his words in terms of how much it affects Ryeowook. Tingles overcome his lower stomach, and he starts squirming on the mattress despite himself.

Jongwoon hears the shuffling of his body on the sheets, and he chuckles devilishly. “If I tell you that I want to have you like this, cuffed and restrained, begging for my cock like the little cum slut you are, how does that sound ?”

Ryeowook lets out a whine as a reply.

“Use your words, baby.”

“Good…” Ryeowook mumbles, too focused on trying to calm down his growing arousal, crossing his legs over his hardening cock to cage it.

“I don’t think I heard you properly.”

“It sounds… really good,” Ryeowook breathes out shakily.

“Are you okay, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon feigns ignorance, even if he knows exactly why Ryeowook sounds as he does. “You sound like you’re in pain.”

“I— I need you here… right now.”

“I know, baby. I’m so sorry I can’t be. I promise I’ll give you everything you need when we see each other again, but for now… how about we play a little game ?”

Ryeowook nods at first, forgetting that Jongwoon can’t actually see him, before he catches himself in the act and breathes out a little ‘okay’ that just makes Jongwoon’s heart melt into a puddle from how cute it sounds.

“Are you wearing any underwear ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook sighs, coming off as almost moaning, and he bites down on his lower lip in excitement of what’s about to come.

“How about you take them off for me ? Can you do that ?”

“Yes.”

“Good boy.”

Ryeowook obeys without question, momentarily leaving his phone on the mattress on his side to push the covers off of him, and pulls his boxers down, just as Jongwoon demanded. He feels a little shy and awkward about doing this, if he’s honest, but the thought of having someone else—and that someone else being _Jongwoon_, out of all people—telling him what to do in a situation like this is extremely arousing all the same, so he buries his embarrassment deep down and lifts his phone back to his ears.

“Did you do it ?”

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods in confirmation.

“Perfect,” Jongwoon praises. “I want you to close your eyes and gently trail your hand down from your chest, _slowly_, and imagine it’s me who’s touching you.”

Ryeowook follows his instructions to the letter as Jongwoon is speaking, and he finds that being able to hear Jongwoon’s voice as he does so makes it immensely easier to give himself into the fantasy. He has jerked off to the thought of Jongwoon before, _many times_, but that all feels completely foreign to him now.

“Reach down and cup your balls in your hand, and push them up toward you just a tiny bit,” Jongwoon continues, and when Ryeowook carries out his demand, he finds that his hand now feels a million times better than it does when he does this on his own, and god he’s so sensitive that he doesn’t think the two experiences can even be comparable. “I want you to take a picture of it and send it to me. I want to see how hard your little cock got just from hearing my voice.”

Ryeowook isn’t the type of person to do this sort of thing. He’s always been too worried about nude pictures of himself coming back to haunt him, but he trusts Jongwoon; he trusts him so much that he doesn’t even hesitate in turning on the flash on his phone camera and snapping a picture of his cock, so hard and already leaking in his lose grip, and immediately sends it to Jongwoon without a second thought.

Jongwoon switches to the messenger app as his phone vibrates, and saves the picture for himself to contemplate later before he brings his phone back to his ear. “Such a pretty sight…” Jongwoon marvels. “You’re doing so well, baby. Do you remember what good boys deserve ?”

It’s hard for Ryeowook to focus on anything but the deep rumble of Jongwoon’s voice and his oversensitive cock, so it takes him a moment to think. “A reward ?”

“Yes, that’s right. Take it in your hand, and run your thumb lightly around the tip.”

Ryeowook’s little moans echo like a million angels singing in Jongwoon’s ears. He knows the boy is trying to keep quiet so his roommates don’t hear, but even the smallest sounds he makes have enough of an effect on the man that he doesn't mind.

“Does it feel good ?”

Ryeowook bites back another moan to reply, not wanting to risk being too loud. “Yes… _fuck_, it feels really good…”

“Wrap your hand around the shaft, now,” Jongwoon commands, although his voice still comes out incredibly soft and sweet rather than demanding and insisting. “Stroke yourself, and keep focusing on my voice.”

Jongwoon listens closely as Ryeowook’s breathing picks up, taking note of every little noise that escapes him, and murmurs praising in a sulky, deep and quiet voice, encouraging him to go faster, hold tighter, to bring his other hand down to play with his balls, until he can tell Ryeowook is about to reach his breaking point.

“God, what I would give to see you right now…” Jongwoon hisses. His pants are constricting him by now, and he’s suffocating, but he refuses to give in to his desires no matter how crazy Ryeowook is driving him. “How close are you, sweetheart ?”

“Hng… really close.”

“Yeah ? You’re gonna cum all over yourself, baby ?”

“Y-yeah… Yes, I’m about to—”

“Take your hands away,” Jongwoon suddenly demands, and it’s an _order_ this time; he’s not leaving Ryeowook a choice.

The boy is left completely confused and disoriented, unsure if he’s heard him properly, and he freezes in place as his brain tries to process the information. “W-what ?”

“You heard me,” Jongwoon asserts coldly, and chills travel down Ryeowook’s spine. He has no idea what’s happening and he’s scared he’s done something wrong, so he does what he’s been asked in hopes that Jongwoon won’t be mad at him, even if his cock is so hard and ready to explode it’s almost painful.

“Jongwoon, I—”

“Ssh, baby,” Jongwoon reassures him, and his caring tone of voice is back. The pressure in Ryeowook’s chest releases immediately, though it does nothing to soothe his raging erection begging to be touched, and god Ryeowook _wants_ to beg for release because this is absolute torture. But he doesn’t. “I want you to be a good little boy for me, just like you’ve been so far. Do you think you can do that ?”

“What do I have to do ?” Ryeowook chokes back a cry, because _fuck it hurts_—he needs to cum so badly. _Why isn’t Jongwoon letting him ?_

“From now on, you’re not allowed to touch yourself or to cum without my permission,” Jongwoon speaks, and Ryeowook thinks he might as well die at this point. “Have I been understood ?”

“But—”

“Hey, now,” Jongwoon chimes in immediately, successfully shutting him down. “Remember what good little boys do ?”

Ryeowook’s eyes shut tight as he tries his hardest to breathe through his nose—a weak attempt to make the pain of his untouched arousal go away. “… they obey..?” He’s panting as he replies, and Jongwoon seems satisfied, if the amused chuckle Ryeowook hears on the other end is anything to go by.

“Yes, you’re right. They obey. Will you be a good boy for me and do what I tell you to do ?”

Ryeowook genuinely thinks about it for a moment, but he remembers what they had discussed last time they saw each other. He _had_ said he was ready to leave the reigns to Jongwoon entirely, no matter what it entailed, and he’s ready to stand by his words. Because yes, it’s painful, and he has no idea how he’s supposed to cope with this knowing he probably won’t be able to see Jongwoon for at least a few more days, but shit, just the fact that he’s not allowed to touch himself is a rule _imposed_ on him by Jongwoon makes everything so different. Ryeowook wants to prove that he’s worthy. He wants Jongwoon to be proud of him, so he agrees, albeit not without difficulty.

“Hng… y-yes. I can. I can be good for you. M’not gonna touch myself anymore even if I’m so hard.”

Jongwoon nearly coos at how adorable and hopeless Ryeowook sounds just then. He’s completely whipped, he can’t deny it, and he realizes he _really_ can’t wait to see him again. He feels like he’s completely grown addicted to Ryeowook, and that thought honestly doesn’t displease him as much as he thinks it should have. He’s always been more on the independent side, and Heechul had been right in calling him out earlier—while he has no problem committing to an exclusive sexual relationship with someone, doing the same for a romantic one has always been a problem for him.

Romantic feelings make him feel like he’s losing the one thing he holds dearer than anything else : _control_. And although he’ll never admit it, it genuinely terrifies him. It’s a bit disorientating to him that he doesn’t feel the sudden urge to run away from Ryeowook in that moment, because he swears he normally would have. He_ should_ have.

“You’re learning so fast. I’m so proud of you, baby. I promise your reward will be worth it. I can’t wait to see you again.” _Yes, he should have._ “You should get some sleep now. It’s very late,” he then adds, looking at the time displayed in the corner of his computer screen.

Ryeowook wants to talk back at Jongwoon for even daring to ask him to get some sleep, because he knows the man deliberately said it _knowing_ Ryeowook would never be able to in his state—but he doesn’t, because he doesn’t want to lose the reward Jongwoon is talking about.

“G’night,” he mumbles instead.

Jongwoon laughs quietly. “Good night, kitten.”

Jongwoon hangs up, and Ryeowook throws his face into his pillow to muffle his whines. He wishes he could regret agreeing to this, because then he wouldn’t feel guilty about going behind Jongwoon’s back and finish himself off since it’s not as if Jongwoon would have any way to know. It’s frustrating, but he’s a good boy. _He’s Jongwoon’s good boy_, so he’ll take it, even if he has school early in the morning and he knows he won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Not that Jongwoon would get any rest either. He suddenly feels inspired to write now, for some strange reason.

It takes Jongwoon an entire minute to realize where he even is when he’s woken up by the incessant buzzing of his phone next to him. He’s fallen asleep at his desk again, it seems, but he has no recollection of when it happened—not that it matters in the end, because his confusion becomes nothing more than a shadow at the back of his mind when he sees Ryeowook’s name flash on his phone screen. Immediately Jongwoon is worried, because he knows Ryeowook is supposed to be in class right now. The fact that he’s calling him is completely out of the ordinary, and he has a really bad feeling about it.

He tries to shake the sleep and grogginess away as best as he can before he picks up, and his heart shatters into pieces when he hears sniffling on the other end of the line—shit. _Shit_.

“Baby ? What’s wrong ? Are you okay ?” He’s panicking, despite his efforts not to; he knows the last thing Ryeowook needs right now is someone else losing composure when he’s the one who needs comfort, but he can’t help it.

“… can you come pick me up ?” Ryeowook asks brokenly; he sounds so small and vulnerable, and not in a way Jongwoon likes _at all_—he fucking despises it, and he feels his blood start boiling as he’s forced to listen to Ryeowook, _his_ Ryeowook, sobbing and most likely _hurting_, and he hates it even more given that he’s not there with him _right now_ to console him.

“Where are you ?” Jongwoon tries his best not to let his anger show, and he doesn’t even let Ryeowook time to reply before he’s already in front of his apartment door, pathetically trying to put his shoes on with one hand as he holds his phone up with the other.

“I’m in college,” Ryeowook mumbles between two sobs, “in the custodian’s office in the main hall.”

“I’m coming to pick you up,” Jongwoon immediately replies, nearly stumbling over his own feet as he finally manages to get the last shoe on. “I’ll be there as fast as I can, okay ? I promise. Don’t move.”

“Okay,” Ryeowook agrees. He’s still crying. “M’sorry for calling you like this, I just—”

“_No_. Oh God baby, no, please don’t feel sorry,” Jongwoon pleads as he grabs his keys with shaky hands—fuck, he’s so on edge. “Hang on, okay ? I’ll be there very soon.”

Ryeowook can only hum as a response, unable to calm himself down enough to speak clearly. Jongwoon can’t feel his heartbeat anymore. He doesn't understand what's happening to him. He’s usually so composed and calm; anxiety isn’t exactly part of his vocabulary.

And neither was road rage until now.

He’s gripping the steering wheel so tightly he thinks he might eventually rip it off while making a turn, and he’s cursing all the way through at everyone he considers too slow—meaning _everyone_, in this case—and honking at the people who take a second too long to react when the red lights turn green again. He tries to calm himself down; he _really_ tries, because he doesn’t want Ryeowook to see him so distraught and feel bad about calling him. He wants Ryeowook to know he can count on him to be there whenever he needs him, no matter the circumstances, without feeling guilty for reaching out to him.

If he weren’t so distressed by the thought of Ryeowook being left alone in his current state, he would’ve felt so proud and glad that the boy trusted him enough to ask _him_ for help, but he can’t possibly fathom harbouring any positive feelings about the situation at hand as it is now.

Jongwoon gives no attention to the “_No Parking_” sign hovering above the spot he leaves his car at once he arrives at his destination, knowing he’s only going to be in for a minute or two, and cares very little about the looks he’s getting as he bolts down the front yard on his way to the main building, zigzagging between the groups of students hanging out on the pathway, and ready to push away anyone who accidentally steps in his way.

He nearly trips over his own feet in the doorway of the custodian’s office once he finally gets there after what feels like an eternity to him. Ryeowook appears to have calmed down just a bit, and shock overtakes his features when he witnesses a disheveled Jongwoon nearly face planting into the doorframe, his hair sticking out all over the place and usually perfectly tucked in dress shirt unbuttoned in the middle and half hanging out over his pants.

The custodian looks just as confused, if not more, but it’s not like either men even pay her any attention—their gazes lock with the other’s, and Jongwoon is quickly stepping into the room and taking a still trembling Ryeowook into his arms so tightly he’s nearly crushing him, but Ryeowook welcomes it gladly. He needed this—more than anything else.

Jongwoon cradles him, burying his nose into his hair and pressing a kiss at the top of his head, and breathes in deep. “I’m here,” he purrs, voice low, quiet, soothing, and doing wonders at making Ryeowook relax into his arms—he feels at home, and completely safe in Jongwoon’s embrace, and he lets himself be carried away into a better mind space by the man’s warmth and musky, comforting scent. “Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you.”

Jongwoon pulls back just a little; just enough to take a good look at Ryeowook’s face, holding it in his hands and pushing his bangs back to make sure he’s not hurt. Ryeowook reflexively leans into his touch, feeling his muscles completely go lax, and he feels mushy, as if he’s about to fall over—the crying and panic physically drained him, and now that the adrenaline is subsiding thanks to Jongwoon’s presence, he’s growing increasingly sleepier and drowsier, although he’s still sniffling despite himself.

“Are you hurt ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head ‘no’, but Jongwoon can tell he’s not being entirely truthful by the look in his eyes. He wishes the boy would just tell him, but he doesn’t want to push him, not when he’s clearly still shaken by whatever happened earlier—he doesn't want to put oil on the fire, and figures he can always ask him again once they’re home and the boy’s calmed down enough.

Jongwoon quickly pecks him on the forehead. “Come on. I’m taking you home. Do you need to stop by your locker to gather your things ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head once more and gestures toward his backpack lying on the ground. Jongwoon immediately bends over to throw it over his shoulder before he turns to the custodian, still staring at them in confusion.

“Thank you for looking after him,” he says, polite as ever, and the woman nods in return, as if she didn’t know how to react. Not that Jongwoon actually cares about her more than that, though, so he pays it no mind as he shifts his attention back to Ryeowook immediately.

Ryeowook lets Jongwoon guide him out of the building, a protective hand resting on his lower back at all times, grounding him in place. He’s safe, now. Jongwoon is there, and he’s taking him home with him, away from this hellish place. He’s in good hands. He knows he is.

The drive back to his apartment is a million times calmer and less eventful than the previous one. Jongwoon holds Ryeowook’s hand in his the entire time, lighting brushing his thumb over Ryeowook’s smooth skin as they sit in relatively comfortable silence, mostly due to the fact that Ryeowook seems to clearly be fighting against the exhaustion slowly overtaking his body.

The boy eventually loses the battle, heavy eyelids closing in on themselves as he rests his head on his arm, curled back against the window, and Jongwoon smiles to himself—a small one, but a smile nonetheless, because Ryeowook’s finally stopped shaking and fidgeting. He’s okay, and in the end, that’s all Jongwoon truly cares about.

Jongwoon is amazingly gentle in waking him up once they get home, not wanting to startle the boy too much in hopes that he stays drowsy enough to fall back asleep when they get to his apartment. He has an idea that Ryeowook hasn’t been able to get much sleep last night either, so he definitely needs it.

Jongwoon walks over to Ryeowook’s side once the boy finally manages to open his eyes and bends over to unfasten his seatbelt for him before he helps him out. He quickly retrieves Ryeowook’s bag from the backseat before they make their way up to his place, and he discards it next to the door once they finally get in. Ryeowook is still trying to rub the sleep out of his puffy eyes by then, and he looks so cute doing it that Jongwoon can’t help it when he cups Ryeowook’s face gently and kisses him tenderly; he tells himself he’s doing it for Ryeowook, to let him know that he’s there, but he knows deep down there’s another reason—however, it’s a reality he’s not yet ready to face, so he buries it even deeper within him, and tries his best to only focus on the feel of Ryeowook's velvety lips against his when the boy kisses him back just as softly.

“How are you feeling ?” Jongwoon asks once they pull away, dark eyes boring into Ryeowook’s.

“Better ?” Ryeowook tries out unassumingly. Jongwoon frowns. “I… I still feel like my heart is about to explode. And I’m sleepy,” he adds, mumbling that last part out as he lets his forehead fall against Jongwoon’s chest.

An idea pops into Jongwoon’s mind. “Hm. How about we draw you a warm bath so you can relax first ? And then we can get you to bed ?”

Ryeowook nods against his body, leaning in closer to Jongwoon, seeking comfort—it’s a subconscious thing at this point, it’s stronger than him; his instincts are just dictating him to bury himself in Jongwoon’s arms because that’s where he feels the safest, so he can’t help it.

“Are you gonna join me ?” Ryeowook's question comes more as an invitation than anything else, and Jongwoon picks up on it.

“Do you want me to ?”

Ryeowook stays stiff and silent for a moment, as if he were rethinking his decision. And then, his small arms wrap around Jongwoon’s middle, and he’s nodding again. “Yeah,” he confirms, voice coming out in a sigh of content and relief.

Jongwoon’s heart feels like it’s just sunk all the way down to his stomach, and he can’t decide whether he likes it or not.

Still, he gives into Ryeowook’s wishes—he finds that he can’t refuse him anything, even if he wanted to—and gets into the bath with him after he’s got it ready and helped Ryeowook out of his clothes. They’re sitting on opposite sides facing each other, but still close enough that Jongwoon can tend to Ryeowook and clean him up, gently scrubbing his slim body with a soft wash cloth, and _shit_, Ryeowook feels so good right now despite everything that happened that he nearly can't believe it.

He feels that same fog he’s grown accustomed to since he’s met Jongwoon take over his mind, clouding over his fears and worries and making him feel light; he’s floating again, and he can feel his body growing more and more relaxed under Jongwoon’s caring touch, and Jongwoon notices the shift right as it happens.

_Ryeowook’s just fully tipped over into subspace._

Jongwoon instantly lets his hands find refuge on Ryeowook’s sides, and he draws the boy closer to him; he knows Ryeowook’s been there before, but it was usually in a sexual setting where it’s much easier to manage. This is entirely different, and Jongwoon thanks every supernatural force he can think of that he’s there to handle it—and hopefully use it to his advantage to get Ryeowook to feel safer and forget about his troubles for a moment.

Jongwoon smiles down at him fondly, and caresses the contours of Ryeowook’s face with one hand, careful as to not let water drip down into his eyes, while he keeps the other on the boy’s waist. “Are you feeling better ?”

Ryeowook nods, his movements heavy and slower than usual, seeming almost drunk-like. “Yeah,” he slurs cutely before surprising Jongwoon by tilting his head to the side to kiss the palm of his hand as it passes by his jawline, and he giggles to himself. “I feel high.”

“Come here,” Jongwoon beckons, chuckling at Ryeowook’s behaviour, and makes the boy sit in his lap to cradle him close. Ryeowook breathes deep and curls up in Jongwoon’s tight hold, and he feels like he’s completely lost touch with reality, in a good way. “I’m so glad you’re able to rely on me enough to have called me today,” Jongwoon ends up blurting out after a moment of silence, and shifts his gaze down at Ryeowook when he feels him smile against his shoulder. “Ah, you’re so cute.”

Ryeowook giggles at the compliment and starts to squirm around in Jongwoon’s lap to the man's confusion, although he does nothing to stop him; and soon, Ryeowook is fully straddling him, and his arms wrap around the older man’s neck as he’s bending down to kiss him. Jongwoon remains stunned by how bold Ryeowook’s grown, but he’s mostly amazed by how quickly the boy’s confidence when it came to him has evolved in a matter of only a few weeks, and he wants to encourage this. He lets himself melt into the kiss, returning it with as much passion as Ryeowook is putting in, and he instantaneously knows the younger man has something planned in his mind when he feels him smirk against his lips, and he has a vague idea of what it might be.

And there’s no way Jongwoon’s going to let him think he’s in control of anything for a second, so when Ryeowook attempts to grind his hips down on him, Jongwoon grabs him by the waist and pins him down against him, effectively preventing the boy from moving at all; Ryeowook whines as he pulls away from the kiss, and Jongwoon smirks almost devilishly—he’s guessed it correctly.

“Hey now,” Jongwoon playfully scolds him, amused by the sight of defeat washing over Ryeowook’s features. “What do you think you’re doing ?”

“You said you were gonna give me a reward next time we see each other,” Ryeowook pouts, and Jongwoon hopes he can’t feel his cock twitch against the curve of his ass—he needs to keep his composure, no matter how much he wants this too, for Ryeowook’s own sake; now is not the time for play, and he knows it. Even if Ryeowook looks so sexy like that, so cute and willing and vulnerable and pretty as sin, Jongwoon knows he can’t.

“Your reward is that you don’t get your cute little ass spanked for what you just did,” Jongwoon claps back teasingly, trying to let Ryeowook down as gently as he can.

Ryeowook bites the inside of his cheek. “… what if I want you to spank me ?”

Jongwoon’s eyes grow dark for a split second, but Ryeowook misses it completely.

“Then that’s not really a punishment, is it ?” Jongwoon laughs, drawing small circles on Ryeowook’s hips with his thumbs.

“You’re mean,” Ryeowook huffs.

“And _you_ are acting like a little brat.”

“Yeah, because you’re being _unfair_.”

“I’m being considerate,” Jongwoon corrects, sounding a bit like a nagging parent although he’s still smiling to let Ryeowook know he’s not actually mad at him. “You need to rest, not me to fuck you senseless.” Ryeowook opens his mouth to retort with something, but Jongwoon shuts him up by bringing his index finger up in front of his mouth before he manages to make a single sound. “We’ll have plenty of time to do that _after_ you get some sleep.”

“But I’m not tired anymore.”

Jongwoon hums and nods in fake belief. “Right. That is a lie and we both know it.” He kisses the tip of Ryeowook’s nose quickly. “And it’s cute that you think I’m leaving you a choice.”

“I—” Jongwoon frowns at him, and Ryeowook’s shoulders slouch in defeat. “… fine,” he grumbles, finally surrendering.

“There you go,” Jongwoon praises, lifting Ryeowook off of him so they can get up and out of the bathtub.

Ryeowook’s mood shifts as Jongwoon starts drying him off—just as he did last time Ryeowook was here—and he’s back into that foggy place very quickly, but it doesn’t feel as comforting as it usually does, this time. His head is spinning, his stomach is churning in anxiety, and he’s suddenly overwhelmed by fear and panic.

Jongwoon picks up on it right away. He’s seen it happen before with Hyukjae, many, _many_ times, so he’s used to handling it, even though he can’t shake away the worry settling at the pit of his stomach upon seeing Ryeowook so unwell.

“Hey, you’re dropping,” he whispers as he grabs Ryeowook by the back of his neck and pulls the boy against him, and immediately starts massaging his nape with his thumb.

Ryeowook immediately curls up to him, trembling, and his breathing picks up. He’s so confused and it only feeds into his anxiety because he doesn’t know what’s happening, and soon enough, he’s crying again, and he has no idea why.

“Sshh, I’ve got you,” Jongwoon murmurs into his ear before he helps him sit on the black marble counter next to them, figuring that having the boy sit somewhere could help. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Ryeowook hangs on to him for dear life, refusing to let go, his arms and legs wrapped so tightly around Jongwoon that he’s nearly tipping forward, but Jongwoon does nothing except holding him just as tightly. His heartbeat picks up again, and he hates it.

“Breathe through your nose,” Jongwoon instructs him calmly and Ryeowook tries his best to do just that even though it’s difficult to focus on anything at the moment, even his own respiration. “That’s it, baby. You’re doing great.”

Jongwoon runs a hand up and down Ryeowook’s back in rhythm with the boy’s breathing, or at least as close as possible given that he’s unable to stop crying, and Jongwoon knows he can do nothing but wait and try his best to comfort Ryeowook as much as he can until his mind clears up. He doesn’t know what happened today for him to be so distressed, but he promises himself that he’ll do everything in his power so that it doesn’t happen again once he finds out.

For now, though, he just wants to focus on Ryeowook and get him out of that terrible place he’s in.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Ryeowook hiccups in a heavy breath.

“I know,” Jongwoon says, pulling out just barely enough to allow himself to look him in the eye.

Ryeowook instinctively tries to prevent him from going away, panic flashing through his eyes, but his anxiety and fear cool down when he feels Jongwoon’s hands on him—one holding him by the upper arm and the other by the side of his neck—and he tries to breathe once more.

“I know it’s confusing, but it’s all gonna be over soon, okay ?” Jongwoon continues, worried eyes scanning around Ryeowook’s face and expression, taking in every single little change in emotion. “Just remind yourself that you’re with me, and that I’m here to protect you. I’ll never let anything hurt you, you know that, right ?”

Ryeowook shuts his eyes closed as to better calm himself, and nods. “Thank you,” he manages to let out between two jerky breaths.

He sounds a bit more composed now, and Jongwoon is relieved. He starts trailing kisses down from Ryeowook’s cheek to his collar bone leisurely, affectionately, and he feels Ryeowook shiver against him—but he knows it’s a good thing this time around, so he keeps going, sucking gently on the skin at the curve of Ryeowook’s neck, and the boy’s head falls forward against Jongwoon’s shoulder.

His breathing evens out, finally, and he feels lighter; Jongwoon’s touch is comforting and keeps him grounded, and his mind goes blank for a moment as he’s coming back to his senses.

When he does, there’s something warm running between his thighs, and it takes him a moment to realize he’s just cum, like that, without even being aware of it—without even being aroused in the first place, and both men stand there in silence for a moment as they try to process what just happened.

And then, Ryeowook remembers the rule. He’s not allowed to cum without Jongwoon’s permission. “Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry,” he panics, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks once more. “I swear I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry, please don’t be ma—”

There’s a deep groan coming from deep within Jongwoon there that stops him in his tracks, and then his lips are on his, shutting him up for good. Jongwoon brings their hips together as close as humanly possible and kisses Ryeowook as if there were no tomorrow, and Ryeowook knows then that Jongwoon’s not mad at him.

“You have nothing to apologize for, baby. _Nothing_,” Jongwoon insists once he pulls away, and presses his forehead against Ryeowook’s. “It wasn’t your fault. It’s okay.”

Jongwoon’s heart feels as though it’s about to explode as he reaches up to kiss Ryeowook’s forehead and sees their reflection in the mirror, holding on to each other as though they would lose the other forever if they ever let go, and he thinks, for a split second, that may he’s let things evolve too quickly—he’s too far gone at this point, and he can’t run away, even though his mind is screaming at him that he should.

There’s a moment where Jongwoon feels as though he’s genuinely going to cry, but he swallows it back up. Ryeowook can’t see him break down, _ever_, but especially not now.

He tries to steady his shaky hands as he cleans the mess Ryeowook’s made between them, careful not to overstimulate Ryeowook too much. The boy is exhausted, Jongwoon can tell by how his grip on him loosens, and how his head slowly drops onto his shoulder; Ryeowook is drowsy and almost asleep by the time he discards the towel, so Jongwoon decides to carry him to his bedroom in his arms—thank god Ryeowook is so small and weighs nothing.

Jongwoon helps him get dressed, lending him one of his oversized light grey shirts and a pair of clean boxers, and tucks him in before he dresses up in a similar fashion and hops into bed with him—he didn’t have much sleep last night either, and he doesn’t want to leave Ryeowook alone right now. He brings the boy closer to him, pulling him until Ryeowook’s back is lying flush against his chest, and the younger man is fast asleep by the time Jongwoon can even wish him sweet dreams.

Jongwoon can’t follow suit, unfortunately, as his restless mind tries in vain to deal with his scrambled thoughts; he shuts his eyes tightly to shake away the voices in his head, but to no avail.

“What the fuck are you doing, Kim Jongwoon..?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot happens and not many answers are given, but all will become clearer in chapters 6 & 7, I promise. I left things unanswered on purpose.
> 
> PS. Unrelated, but I wanted to add a fun bit of "trivia" of sorts about the title of this chapter. It comes from a quote from "The Haunting of Hill House", both the book and the series, that goes : "Ghosts are guilt. Ghosts are secrets. Ghosts are regrets and failings. But most times, a ghost is a wish."


	6. Tangled Strings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I wanted to apologize for how long this took me to update. I know a lot of you were impatient, but after the disaster that was the previous chapter, I wanted to redeem myself with this one. I rewrote it idek how many times, and in the end I got very carried away. This chapter is much, much longer than what I usually do (they're usually between 12 and 18 pages on iPages Mac—this chapter is 20 pages long), and I hope it acts as redemption for the clusterfuck that was chapter 5. Please tell me what you think of it either in the comments here or on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/yewookfics) (DMs or tweets, whatever you prefer) because I really want to know !
> 
> Also, as a side note, I built a replica of what I imagine Jongwoon's apartment looks like in the Sims 4 for fun, so if you're curious to see, [here's the link to the screenshots](https://twitter.com/yewookfics/status/1215199505836056577?s=20) I took of the build.

Jongwoon wants to honestly curse his luck—or lack thereof, to be more accurate—when he hears his apartment buzzer go off like crazy just as he thought maybe he’d finally fall asleep. He wishes he had the option to ignore it, but with the way whoever is ringing at his door seems to _really_ need an answer given how insisting they are, Jongwoon has to resign himself.

Reluctantly, Jongwoon carefully untangles himself from Ryeowook, careful as to not wake him up, and takes a minute to glance over at the boy still sleeping soundly next to him. Jongwoon smiles to himself—he looks so calm and peaceful like this, and so beautiful and angelic that he can’t even fathom how such a perfect human being can possibly exist.

Before he finally gets up, Jongwoon bends over Ryeowook’s sleeping form to press a delicate kiss onto his cheek, as if to reassure the boy that he’ll be back soon although he doubts Ryeowook is even going to be aware of his temporary absence. He’s careful to shut the door behind him as he leaves, and strolls down to the front door.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath before opening up, thinking it might be one of his friends making an impromptu visit, and as much as it would’ve annoyed him at this moment he would’ve much rather have Heechul at his door than _Park Jungsoo_, his editor, looking furious as ever despite his attempts to hide it. Jongwoon expected this to happen, but he can’t prevent his eyes from widening in surprise, and his first reflex is to try and shut the door in the man’s face.

Jungsoo is quicker than him, however, and manages to stop Jongwoon by squeezing his foot into the opening and pushes on the door with all his strength, forcing a very tired Jongwoon to surrender victory and let him in.

“What the fuck, Jongwoon ?!” Jungsoo exclaims, and Jongwoon winces in annoyance at the loudness of his voice.

“Look, I can tell that you’re angry, but can you please keep your voice down ?” Jongwoon nearly pleas, voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve got someone over and I don't want to wake him up.”

Jungsoo’s expression quickly switches from anger to disappointment, and he sighs in defeat. “So _that’s_ what you’ve been doing,” he exhales. “I should’ve figured. I still hope you remember that you have a deadline to respect ? Because as much as I know you’d like to forget it, Mr Lee hasn’t, and he’s growing _very_ impatient.”

Jongwoon’s jaw visibly tenses at the mention of his publisher’s name. “I haven’t forgotten, unfortunately. I’ve been spending sleepless nights trying to write this fucking thing, it’s not my fault the story I’m basing this sequel off of is _complete trash_.”

“Are you sure the sleepless nights aren’t caused by your tendency to _sleep around_ ?” Jungsoo counters, dubious of Jongwoon’s claims.

This only contributed in aggravating Jongwoon even more, because this is the second time he hears someone insinuate that Ryeowook is a _distraction_, and he can’t stand by that. “I’m pretty sure, yes,” he spits. “I just can’t seem to find my creative spirit anymore. _The Stolen Souls_ took everything I had. And now you’re forcing me to wr—”

“Are you sure this doesn’t have something to do with your breakup with Hyukjae ?” Jungsoo interrupts, sudden worry underlining his scolding tone.

Jongwoon stops in his tracks, completely stunned and unable to talk for a moment. “Did you really have to bring him up in this ?” he then questions, eyes lighting up with rage.

“Jongwoon, I’ve known you for years—since even before you got together with him. And you’ve never acted like this,” Jungsoo states. “You’ve never complained about your job. You’ve never ignored my calls. You’ve never had the impulse to find any excuse not to write something. Writer’s block wasn’t even part of your vocabulary. And the only thing that’s changed since then was you meeting Hyukjae and subsequently breaking up with him after what, three years of being together ?”

_It wasn’t the only thing that changed_, Jongwoon thinks. Ryeowook came into his life too, around the same time as his breakup—one month after, to be exact. But Jongwoon refuses to say it out loud; he doesn’t want to make it look like Ryeowook is at fault for his inability to write.

It’s apparent by the confused frown on Jungsoo’s face that he was expecting some sort of clever comeback from Jongwoon, but it never came. Jongwoon seemed to only have closed in on himself, and Jungsoo watches as the writer’s eyes cloud over, and guilt suddenly creeps up on the older man for even bringing up a subject he knows very well to be sensitive.

“Maybe I’m just tired of having my creative freedom taken away from me after all these years,” Jongwoon retorts bitterly. “Hyukjae and I are over, and I moved on to better things. I’d really appreciate it if you all stopped trying to keep me living in the past.” Jongwoon’s luck really _has_ turned against him, apparently, because this is also the second time Hyukjae is mentioned to him in the last twenty-four hours, as if the universe itself held some sort of grudge against him.

“I’m just worried about you,” Jungsoo defends, but Jongwoon's death glare indicates that the man really didn’t like that statement.

“That’s a funny one,” Jongwoon mocks dryly. “You’re not worried about me. You’re worried about what that dickhead Lee Sooman is gonna say when you come back to the office with empty hands because I still have nothing to give you.”

Jungsoo breathes deeply. “I can try and negotiate something to postpone your deadline,” he offers, hoping it’ll help appease Jongwoon before he really gets angry. “I don’t know if it’s going to work or not, but I can try.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jongwoon dismisses him. “If it works, please tell me so I can buy a lottery ticket too. Might as well take advantage of that new luck, since it seems to have abandoned me recently.”

“You really have nothing to give ?”

Jongwoon shakes his head. “An unedited rough draft of a first chapter and half a second one. That’s not much to work with.”

Jungsoo purses his lips and decides that it’s best to stop it there. Jongwoon doesn’t appear very receptive to anything he has to say, but he hopes their conversation will _at least_ get Jongwoon to finally stop ignoring him everytime he tries to contact him.

“So… I guess it ends there for today,” Jungsoo states as he opens the front door.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Jongwoon repeats sharply, and almost pushes Jungsoo out of his apartment without telling him goodbye.

He sighs heavily once again, and tries to rub the sleepiness off of his face—fuck, he’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and he wants nothing more than to join Ryeowook back into the comfort of his bed and stay there for an entire day.

“As if my day couldn't get any goddamn worse,” Jongwoon mumbles to himself as he makes his way back to his bedroom, and finally joins Ryeowook in his bed once again.

Jongwoon wraps his arms around the boy as tightly as he can and rests his forehead against the back of Ryeowook’s head, overcome by the sudden urge, the sudden _need_ to feel him close, to seek comfort in the boy’s presence, and this more than he ever did before, and his thoughts wander off on their own into territories it probably shouldn’t go in.

Heechul was right. Jongwoon, despite having no problem showering his partners in affection and wanting to commit to an exclusive relationship, has attachment issues. He’s terrified of intense emotions because he’s convinced that they’re going to get him hurt down the line, just as they had in the past. Although it wasn’t what ultimately put an end to his and Hyukjae’s relationship, he’s very aware that it _was_ a problem that contributed to his ex-boyfriend developing a false image and impression of who Jongwoon really was, even after almost three years of being together, and he doesn’t want the same thing to happen with Ryeowook.

He doesn’t want to lose him.

It’s not Hyukjae himself he’s unable to let go of, and he realizes this now; it’s the guilt—the guilt he feels about his inability to truly accept his feelings and emotions, and about all the mistakes he’s made—that he can’t leave behind. He’s unable to open himself up emotionally the way he knows Ryeowook deserves, and most likely needs, and it’s been eating at him for a little while now, and that’s not even mentioning how terrified he is, deep inside, of fucking up the way he had with his ex.

Jongwoon doesn’t know what’s gotten into him lately. He’s guessing the lack of sleep and the frustration he’s building up over the pressure he’s getting from his job might contribute to his current emotional instability, but he knows it's more than that. The four—nearly five—months he and Ryeowook had spent together have been eye-opening to him, more than he himself is aware of in this moment, but he’s starting to see it now.

Jongwoon’s known from the very beginning that Ryeowook was special. He wouldn’t have brought him back home with him that night if he hadn’t felt a connection then. He can’t quite put words into it, no yet, but he’s starting to think that they may be fated, that they were meant to meet at some point in their lives. They’re so different from the other and yet, everything about their relationship feels natural, as though they’d known each other for years; and maybe that’s why Jongwoon is so scared. As someone who needs to have control over every part of his life, the idea that _fate_ may be the one to pull the strings doesn’t sit well with him.

Jongwoon is brought back to reality when he feels the boy stir into his arms and let out a tired groan as he slowly wakes up, and the man forces himself to push all of his negative thoughts at the back of his mind because Ryeowook is more important—he’ll _always_ be more important than any of his problems—and he wants to focus on him entirely.

Ryeowook wiggles around in his grasp until he manages to turn himself over to face Jongwoon, and he buries his face into the man’s chest, basking in the man’s warm and comforting embrace, his earlier distress and worry completely gone from just having the chance to have Jongwoon with him in this very moment. Little does he know, though, is that his own presence is also something Jongwoon desperately needs right now—they need each other, now more than ever, and this is particularly true for Jongwoon who tightens his hold on the boy even more as though he’s trying to merge their bodies into one.

“You seem to feel better,” Jongwoon observes, a small smile creeping up onto his face.

Ryeowook hums in agreement, nodding against his chest. “Thank you. For picking me up and for… everything else.”

“Anything for you,” Jongwoon breathes out after a short pause, and he kisses the top of Ryeowook’s head. “Although I wish it would’ve happened in better circumstances, I’m glad you’re here now. God, I missed you so much…”

There’s a tear that runs down Jongwoon’s cheek then, but Ryeowook stays completely oblivious to it, and Jongwoon is relieved that he does. He doesn’t want the boy to see him break down like that, especially not when he himself can’t fully grasp what’s even happening and what exactly causes him to suddenly be so emotional.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Ryeowook teases, giggling. “You’re crushing me.”

Ryeowook’s playful comment makes Jongwoon laugh, and he feels somewhat lighter now. “Oops, sorry,” he apologizes, and he loosens his grip on the boy. Now able to move a bit more freely, Ryeowook shifts back a little so he can look Jongwoon in the eye and meet the man’s intense gaze; his body turns to mush instantly, and he’s unable to look away. “I just can’t help it. It’s hard to keep my hands to myself when you’re around.”

There’s a flame that ignites in the depth of Jongwoon’s eyes just then that has Ryeowook’s heartbeat pick up, and the next thing he knows, Jongwoon’s lips are on his. He lets himself melt against the man’s body as they exchange a sloppy, lazy open-mouthed kiss that leaves Ryeowook wanting more once Jongwoon pulls back. And he decides that he’s going to take what he wants—he knows very well that his boldness may warrant him punishment, but he doesn’t care about what comes to him as long as Jongwoon is involved.

Needless to say Jongwoon is taken by surprise when Ryeowook manages to flip them both until he’s straddling Jongwoon’s lap and connects their lips back together into a more heated kiss, but the man doesn’t want to complain; he loves this bolder, more confident side of Ryeowook he’s slowly starting to discover, and he wants to encourage that. He wants Ryeowook to completely let go, to give himself up completely to him, just as he wishes to do himself with the boy, somewhere down the line.

“My baby is so needy today,” Jongwoon breathes teasingly in-between kisses, cupping Ryeowook’s face with his right hand as his left settles on the small of his back, on the fine line just above the boy’s ass, and Ryeowook takes it as permission to slowly—and very lightly—start grinding down on him. Jongwoon chuckles deep, amused by this more than anything else; he thinks it’s adorable that Ryeowook is trying to take the lead knowing fully well that Jongwoon won’t allow him to, and he’s curious to see where this is going to go.

As their kisses grow in intensity, so do the movements of Ryeowook’s hips until the friction becomes strong enough for the boy to let out sparse, breathy moans from the pleasure that’s gradually building up. There’s a particularly strong and sharp thrust that follows shortly after that has Jongwoon almost growling into Ryeowook’s mouth.

The man slides his hand down Ryeowook’s neck until his fingers wrap themselves around his throat and he gently starts to stroke the boy’s Adam’s apple, something he does subconsciously, as though it were only natural, _instinctual_ for him to do. This causes Ryeowook to moan louder into the kiss, and Jongwoon takes it as encouragement to apply a bit more pressure—just enough for the boy to feel something. Ryeowook’s mind goes blank and his muscles go lax, and Jongwoon takes full advantage of his lover’s temporary moment of weakness to flip the both of them around so he’s the one on top; Ryeowook chokes a cry in surprise, and Jongwoon breaks away from their heated exchange, sucking on Ryeowook’s bottom lip as he pulls away.

“You’re lucky that I’m a patient man today,” Jongwoon hums contently, and lifts Ryeowook’s hips up to meet his by the back of his thigh with his left hand, using the other as leverage to keep himself from crushing the boy under his weight. “On a normal day, I would’ve punished you harshly for trying to take control the way you did.” _But today isn’t a normal day_, he continues in his mind, deciding that it's best if he doesn’t bring up this morning’s incident in case Ryeowook starts panicking again. “I’m going to be more lenient on you this time, but I won’t grant you mercy a second time.”

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook slurs cutely, and that simple tone of voice is enough to send chills down Jongwoon’s spine straight to his cock; he can feel it twitching against Ryeowook’s, and he secretly hopes the boy can feel it too. “It’s just that… it’s been so hard… not seeing you for so long…” And fuck does he need him right now, both physically and mentally.

Jongwoon smirks and bends down once again, and stops mere millimetres away from Ryeowook’s lips, his warm breath teasing him with the hopes of another kiss that unfortunately doesn’t come. Jongwoon starts grinding his hips against Ryeowook’s at a steady, but excruciatingly slow pace, a sense of pride filling him up when he feels just how hard Ryeowook is already under him.

Jongwoon chuckles darkly when Ryeowook starts quietly whining. “You _really_ want my cock that badly ?”

Ryeowook nods frenziedly, hands grabbing at the back of Jongwoon’s neck so he can hold on to something, _anything_, just to keep himself from losing it completely. “Y-yeah… hng—_shit_. Jongwoon… _Jongwoon, please_—”

Fuck, he’s wanted this for so long—he’s now fully grasping just how much his time spent with Jongwoon’s impacted him, especially sexually; it’s like no matter how much Jongwoon gives him, he’s always left craving for more, as though he can never get enough in the end. He’s mindlessly enraptured by this man beyond what would be considered _normal_, but it’s so fucking good and everything about their relationship just feels so natural and instinctive that Ryeowook doesn’t think for even a moment to question anything about it. He’s crazy about Jongwoon, completely head over heels and bewitched by him beyond reason, but everything about it just feels so… _right_.

Ryeowook is initially unaware when his body starts shivering under Jongwoon’s, the frustration he’s been feeling for too long now settling in his every nerve, too caught up in his own thoughts to fully take in the situation he finds himself in at the moment. He’s brought back when Jongwoon, without warning, bites down on his sweet spot right below his left ear. The boy hisses, both in pain and pleasure, and he feels Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smirk before he laps at the mark he’s left there in a sort of apology that he clearly doesn’t mean, because not even a second later, he’s biting down on the same spot again. This time, however, Jongwoon doesn’t content himself with just that; he’s now sucking on Ryeowook’s skin as well, and the boy’s fingertips dig into Jongwoon’s shoulders as a reflex, and the man growls in satisfaction.

Ryeowook didn’t think it would be possible given that he was trembling so much already, but he’s proven wrong when that sound somehow sends even more shivers down his spine and his back arches; Jongwoon uses this opportunity to slide his hands down Ryeowook’s sides until they find refuge on the boy’s hips, and he pushes Ryeowook back down into the mattress without a struggle.

Jongwoon’s weight is now entirely resting on top of the boy, but Ryeowook finds he doesn’t care. Instead, it makes him feel safe, and helps in keeping him grounded because he’s sure that by now his mind would’ve left him completely.

“Jongwoon…” Ryeowook whines, trying to lift his hips up again, but Jongwoon is too strong for him. “_Ah… fuck…_”

“So fucking needy,” Jongwoon laughs before sliding his hands down farther to grab and his ass as hard as he can, and he lifts the boy up to meet his thrust halfway. “Your little ass is just begging for it, isn’t it ?”

Ryeowook nods in response, hanging on to Jongwoon for dear life, and buries his nose in the crook of Jongwoon’s neck. God, he’s a mess.

“Such a shame that you’ve been so naughty,” Jongwoon breathes into his ear. “I would’ve been more than happy to give you what you want… God, I wanted to fuck your tight little hole so fucking bad too, but you don’t deserve that.”

Jongwoon pulls back, forcing Ryeowook to lie back down on the pillow, and the boy’s mind goes blank for a second. “… what ?” he exhales sharply, slightly panting.

The devious smirk Jongwoon gives him then almost speaks for itself, but his eyes burn with something more sinister, more wicked, and Ryeowook suddenly feels smaller than he already is, as though he’s shrinking under Jongwoon’s intense gaze.

“I said I was going to be more lenient this time,” Jongwoon reminds him, bending down to nibble at Ryeowook’s lower lip lightly, “not that I would entirely skip your punishment. You need to be taught a lesson, baby. You can't just try to take what you want without asking.”

“But—”

“No ‘buts’,” Jongwoon shushes him. “You broke one of the rules, sweetheart. And as a consequence, I’m not gonna give you what you want until you’ve proven me that you deserve it.”

Ryeowook wants to talk back once again, but decides against it at the last second. He’s already in trouble, and he doesn’t want to make his situation worse. “… what do I have to do ?”

Jongwoon gives him a short peck on the lips. “Firstly, go back to sleep. You need to rest. And I do too.”

Jongwoon exhales and rolls off of Ryeowook’s body to lie back on his side onto the mattress next to the boy, facing him. Ryeowook can’t believe that this is the second time in less than twenty-four hours that Jongwoon’s _actually_ asked him to go to sleep with a raging hard-on, and he suddenly feels like giving his boyfriend the cold shoulder when the latter wraps his arms around his smaller frame and brings him closer. That feeling doesn’t last long, however, and he finds himself snuggling up to the man, seeking warmth and comfort, and he curses Jongwoon silently for having such an intoxicating effect on him.

Jongwoon makes it so easy—_too easy_—for him to feel safe, at ease, protected from anything that could potentially hurt him, and suddenly he feels so serene despite his cock still pulsing against Jongwoon's thigh and begging to be touched. Jongwoon just has this calming effect on him that he’s grown completely addicted to. He makes him feel like he truly matters; he makes him feel incredibly beautiful, cared for, and most importantly, he makes him feel _loved_—something Ryeowook’s never really experienced in his life before now.

Ryeowook wants to tell him he loves him too, but when he looks up at Jongwoon to meet his eyes, he realizes that the man has already fallen asleep—something that rarely happens, if ever. Jongwoon is usually the last to go to bed and the first to wake up, and for the first time, Ryeowook gets to see how peaceful Jongwoon is when he’s no longer aware of the outside world. It warms up his heart to see him like that, and Ryeowook smiles to himself. His mind wanders off, and Ryeowook is suddenly thinking more in depth about the relationship they have—how Jongwoon is always there for him, always listening to any random thing Ryeowook tells him, and how he's genuinely interested in him and the things that he does; how caring and affectionate he is with him, and how much he’s actually bringing into his life as a whole.

An uneasy feeling tugs at his him from deep within at the thought, and Ryeowook is now wondering about what _he’s_ bringing into the table—he realizes that Jongwoon knows so much more about his life and his interests than he knows about Jongwoon’s, and how their relationship dynamic’s always been geared toward Jongwoon giving and him receiving, and it doesn't sit well with him. He knows by now that Jongwoon is too kind and generous to expect anything from him and that he most likely doesn’t care, but Ryeowook feels inadequate, so he decides as he’s dozing off that he needs to change that.

The spot next to him feels unnaturally empty and cold when Jongwoon wakes up later in the afternoon. He feels a little disoriented, having fully expected Ryeowook to be by his side then, and an uncomfortable knot settles in his stomach. For a reason he can’t pinpoint, it makes him feel uneasy; he’s gotten so used to waking up next to him that it feels unnatural that he hasn’t this time—but he also has a feeling that it goes deeper than just that.

Jongwoon lays on his back for a minute, waiting to see if his boyfriend would come back on his own, but it seems as though it won’t be the case. The man sighs and resigns himself to roll out of bed to join Ryeowook wherever he may be—and hopefully drag him back into bed with by his side, into his arms, _where he belongs_.

He finds Ryeowook in the kitchen as he strolls into the main living space, making what he assumes to be dinner for the both of them. Jongwoon stops in his tracks for a second, utterly awestruck and mesmerized by the sight that’s being presented in front of him : Ryeowook cooking for them, wearing nothing but Jongwoon’s boxers and oversized shirt that almost swallows him whole, and his heart turns into mush at how _domestic_ this all feels.

He could never get enough of seeing this.

Ryeowook doesn’t notice him as he walks up to him, too engrossed into whatever he’s doing, and seemingly isn’t even aware of Jongwoon’s presence at all until two strong arms slowly wrap themselves around his waist from behind. Shivers immediately run down Ryeowook’s spine as Jongwoon’s suffocating aura envelops him entirely, and he leans back against his chest instinctively.

“What are you making ?” Jongwoon asks, voice still hoarse from sleep, and Ryeowook’s legs threaten to give up on him for a second.

_Curse this man._

“Dinner,” Ryeowook quips, a mischievous smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow in amusement. “Hey now, don’t be a little smart-ass with me,” he laughs, and Ryeowook joins in.

“It’s called ‘something different from the instant noddles I know you eat on a daily basis because you can’t cook to save your life’,” Ryeowook teases further, turning his upper body to the side so he can look at his boyfriend who’s pretending to be offended by what he’s just said; but in reality, Jongwoon can’t even be mad at him—it’s not far off from the truth, even though it’s painful to his ego to admit it.

Jongwoon really likes this witty side of Ryeowook.

“I’m hurt.” Jongwoon’s lie is not convincing in the slightest.

“You’re a grown man,” Ryeowook retorts. “You can take it.”

Rectification : he fucking _loves_ this witty side of Ryeowook.

Jongwoon brings one of his hands up to tilt Ryeowook’s chin, and bends down over his shoulder to connect their lips in a lazy but tender kiss. He breaks away shortly after and presses his forehead against the other’s, hand wrapped around the fine line between Ryeowook’s throat and jaw to lock him in place, and lets himself enjoy the proximity and intimacy of the moment with his eyes wide shut.

His hand slowly glides around the boy’s neck, only to settle at the nape, and Ryeowook fully turns around so he can melt into Jongwoon’s embrace more comfortably.

“Stay here for the week,” Jongwoon whispers suddenly. He meant it as a demand, but it came out as more of a plea.

Jongwoon doesn’t want him to stay.

He _needs_ him to stay.

“I don’t have my stuff, though,” Ryeowook reminds him. “No change of clothes, no—”

“We can pick up the stuff you need at your place after dinner,” Jongwoon cuts in, breaking away from the boy so he can see how serious he is about this, and he doesn’t care if he’s coming off as completely desperate. “Stay.”

“… alright.”

Kyuhyun isn’t the type of person to get irritated easily. He’s usually a pretty chill guy, but Sungmin’s incessant pacing around their living room is really starting to tick him. He understands why his friend is so stressed out, given what happened this morning and the fact that Ryeowook’s disappeared someplace they have no idea of, and hasn’t answered any of his texts or phone calls all day—_hell, he’s worried too_—but he likes to think that Ryeowook is enough of a responsible adult to handle himself, wherever he is now. He doesn’t think getting anxious will help in any way, nor does he want to turn into a pack of walking nerves, but Sungmin’s really making it difficult for him right now to stay calm and think rationally.

It _is_ very strange, however, that Ryeowook hasn’t given them any sign of life since this morning.

“Can you please sit down for a minute ?” Kyuhyun finally snaps, looking up from his phone to glare at his best friend.

Sungmin lets out a shaky breath as he stops in his tracks to turn his attention to Kyuhyun. “I really don’t understand how you can be so calm right now.”

“Maybe because I know pulling my hair out won’t make Ryeowook magically return our calls ?” he shoots at him, trying to mask his irritation under a layer of sarcasm.

“You’re right,” Sungmin concedes. Kyuhyun is about to celebrate his victory, but Sungmin cuts him short before he can even sigh in relief. “I’m gonna call the cops and file a missing person’s report.”

The older man pulls out his phone from his back pocket, ready to dial 112, but Kyuhyun jumps from the couch and snatches Sungmin’s phone right from his hand before he can do anything.

“Woah there,” Kyuhyun calls. “Don’t you think it’s a little excessive ?”

Sungmin blinks, incredulous, and squints at his friend in confusion. “He could be dead somewhere in the streets,” he says with utter seriousness.

“_Or_…” Kyuhyun drags on as he’s setting Sungmin’s phone down on the coffee table in the middle of the room. “He could be at Jongwoon’s place, _alive_.”

Sungmin knows it’s the most plausible and logical explanation, but he doesn’t like it. “Yeah, _maybe_, but why wouldn’t he answer his phone ?”

Kyuhyun shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe they fucked all day, who knows ?”

“Kyuhyun, I swear to g—”

Sungmin is interrupted when their front door clicks open, and he hurriedly turns around to see Ryeowook’s head peaking in. His heart drops into his chest with relief. _Thank god._

Sungmin beelines for the boy and engulfs him in a nearly bone-crushing hug before even thinking of greeting him. Fuck, he’s so happy to see him in one piece that he can’t even think of getting angry at him for making him worry so much, even when Ryeowook forcibly pushes him away from him because he’s starting to suffocate.

“Where the hell were you ?” Sungmin exclaims, voice cracking with concern. “Why didn’t you answer our calls ?”

There’s a split second where Ryeowook doesn't understand what his friend means by that before it hits him that _shit, he hasn’t checked his phone all day_, nor did he think for a second of alerting his friends of what was going on or where he was. He’s suddenly filled with guilt, because he knows his friends may have worried to death about him, and he doesn’t know how to explain the reason he didn’t reach out or how to apologize to them—he should’ve at least given them a thought and checked in with them.

There’s a protective hand pressing against the small of his back suddenly, and Ryeowook comes back down to earth. Jongwoon steps into the entranceway in his turn, shuffling himself behind Ryeowook in the cramped space.

Sungmin raises a brow in question.

“Sorry, that may be my fault,” Jongwoon confesses calmly. “He was with me. I told him that he should rest for the day, so he probably didn't think of or have time to check his phone.” Jongwoon’s hand slowly slides to the boy’s hip, where he stops to caress his side over his clothes to appease Ryeowook’s restless nerves.

Sungmin can’t explain why exactly, but Jongwoon’s answer and calm—_way too calm_—demeanour ticks him the wrong way. “I see,” he nods in disinterest before turning his attention back to Ryeowook, figuring ignoring Jongwoon was the best course of action right now. “Are you okay ? Saeun told me what happened with Zhoumi this morning—he didn’t hurt you, did he ?”

Ryeowook’s muscles tense up and Jongwoon frowns. _Zhoumi ?_

“No, I’m fine,” Ryeowook answers, wanting to stay as vague as possible, and internally cursing Sungmin for bringing it up in front of Jongwoon—he didn’t want him to know.

“You sure ?” Sungmin presses on.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Ryeowook insists, his tone growing more annoyed by the minute. “It was more scare than hurt. I feel better now.”

Jongwoon can’t help but look down at his boyfriend with concern written all over his face. Sungmin drops the subject, suggesting he believes Ryeowook's words, but Jongwoon can tell the boy is lying from the way his voice is shaking and how stiff he is. He decides it’s best to stay quiet for now, not wanting to drag Ryeowook into a public trial in front of his friends when he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, but he’s definitely bringing it up once they’re alone—he _needs_ to know what happened.

Ryeowook sighs. “Can you move out of the way now ? I need to get to my room.”

Sungmin would be lying if he said Ryeowook’s harsh behaviour toward him doesn’t hurt, but he figures he’s still shaken by the events and didn’t like being reminded of it by him, so he remains silent and backs away into the living room.

Ryeowook turns around and looks up at Jongwoon. “Can you wait for me here while I go grab my stuff ?”

Jongwoon hums as he reaches upward and cups Ryeowook’s face in his hands. “I think I can do that, yes.” With his index fingers hugging the curve of the boy’s jaw, he hooks his thumbs around and uses them to lift Ryeowook’s chin higher so his lips meet his—the kiss doesn’t last very long, but it’s peculiarly intense for the moment, especially because Ryeowook can feel his friends’ eyes on his back, but Jongwoon doesn’t seem to even care about it one bit. If anything, it seems to amuse him, given the smirk Ryeowook can feel forming against his lips; Ryeowook finds that having an audience isn’t quite as scary as he would’ve thought. He might even call it exciting.

He’s starting to feel lightheaded as Jongwoon breaks away, taking a moment to suck on his bottom lip as he pulls back just to tease him. Ryeowook is smiling like an idiot, unaware of the look of pure shock splattered across Sungmin’s features because of how _fucking_ _bold_ Jongwoon’s acting right now, and a knot settles at the bottom of his stomach; he’s getting such a weird vibe from Jongwoon that he can’t describe properly, but he knows he doesn’t like that one bit.

“Don’t take too long,” Jongwoon whispers playfully as he lets go of the boy’s face.

“I’ll try not to,” Ryeowook winks, and with that, he makes his way to his bedroom, leaving Jongwoon to stand awkwardly in the living room, close to the door.

Sungmin is glaring at him, but he’s not conscious of it. Jongwoon, however, notices it quite quickly; he’s got his confirmation now that Ryeowook’s friend really doesn’t like him for whatever reason, but it’s not like he truly cares as of now. He knows Ryeowook’s friends are important to him, but Sungmin doesn’t know him and he doesn’t know Sungmin. If the latter wants to judge based on appearances, that’s Sungmin’s problem.

“You see, Sungmin ? I told you Ryeowook was with his boyfriend,” Kyuhyun jokes in an attempt to break the awkward silence filling the room. “Speaking of which,” he continues, turning to Jongwoon, “I’m Kyuhyun, by the way. Nice to officially meet you.”

Jongwoon bows out of curtesy. “Jongwoon,” he replies, his tone warmer than it had been with Sungmin when he came in.

“I know,” Kyuhyun laughs. “Ryeowook doesn’t want to shut up about you.”

“Oh really ?” Jongwoon inquires curiously. “That’s so cute.”

“I never said it was good things,” Kyuhyun pokes at him teasingly.

Jongwoon likes the guy already. “You and Ryeowook must be a nightmare when you’re together,” he laughs, making a mental note to test his theory later if they meet again. “Now I’m scared to ask what he's telling you about me.”

“How about you tell us about him ?” Sungmin chimes in out of nowhere, having finally snapped from his moment of inattention. Jongwoon cocks his head to the side in confusion. “What are your intentions with him ?”

“Sungmin—” Kyuhyun tries to stop him, but his friend doesn’t listen.

“I wanna know if Ryeowook is in good and _safe_ hands, that’s all,” he justifies, and now Jongwoon starts to take it personally.

He knows he’s a completely stranger to Sungmin and understands why he might be weary, but the fact that someone could even entertain the idea that he’d ever hurt Ryeowook _really_ doesn’t sit well with him.

“I understand your concerns,” Jongwoon begins, trying his hardest not to sound annoyed. “But I have to ask you one thing : do you think Ryeowook would’ve called me so I could pick him up after what happened this morning if he didn’t feel safe with me ?”

“He’s got a point,” Kyuhyun agrees, hoping Sungmin would stop acting so suspicious of Jongwoon.

“I’m just looking out for him,” Sungmin excuses.

“So am I,” Jongwoon echoes, dark eyes burning holes into Sungmin’s soul.

As much as Sungmin doesn’t want to admit it for the sake of his own ego, Jongwoon’s glare is fucking terrifying. It chills him to the bone just to watch the gleam in his irises burning cold and somber, and for a moment he can do nothing but stand perfectly still, unable to move or even look away.

There’s something wrong with that guy, Sungmin feels it.

“That’s why I’m bringing him home with me,” Jongwoon continues, unnerving Sungmin with how warm and oddly _caring_ his voice has become suddenly, and how soft his gaze has turned in a fraction of a second. “I want to look after him. I want to make sure he’s okay and able to go back to school. I don’t like the idea of leaving him alone right now.” Especially not now that he’s got a vague idea of what actually happened, and if it’s what he thinks it is, then there’s no way in hell he’s leaving him on his own. Not until he makes sure that _Zhoumi_ guy, whoever the fuck that is, isn’t a problem anymore. “I’ll have him stay with me for the week, at the very least.”

“The _week_ ?” Sungmin repeats.

Jongwoon blinks in befuddlement. “Yes. I think it’s reasonable and Ryeowook wants to stay with me. So where’s the harm in that ?”

Kyuhyun is mentally facepalming, overwhelmed with secondhand embarrassment at how ridiculous his friend is acting. He doesn’t like conflict, mostly because he can’t care enough, but he also knows that a quarrel between a boyfriend and a best friend can take a huge toll on either relationships, and he doesn’t want Ryeowook to get stuck in the middle of it.

“Sungmin, stop overreacting so much,” Kyuhyun butts in, hoping to settle everything before it explodes and Ryeowook comes back. “Ryeowook wouldn’t be packing his stuff right now if he didn’t want to stay, and you know as well as I do that he can hold his ground against someone if he doesn’t want to do something. Jongwoon’s not forcing him. Drop it.”

Sungmin is about to respond when Ryeowook, thankfully completely clueless to the situation, appears from the hallway with his travel bag in hand. Jongwoon’s attitude changes completely then, and Sungmin suddenly feels ashamed of how over-the-top he knows he’s acting. But his opinion remains the same : there _is_ something shady about the guy, and he refuses to let his guard down until he’s absolutely certain that he’s just being irrationally protective of his friend.

“Did you make sure you’re not forgetting anything ?” Jongwoon asks, suddenly acting as if neither Sungmin nor Kyuhyun even exist.

Ryeowook nods. “Tripled checked everything.”

“Alright. Let’s go home then.”

Ryeowook bids his friends a quick goodbye before they leave. Jongwoon simply waves at Kyuhyun as he steps out the door behind Ryeowook, unable to be bothered with Sungmin at the moment. He’s glad Ryeowook at least has one sensible friend—not that he'd ever tell Ryeowook that, though.

Jongwoon throws Ryeowook’s bag into the backseat as the boy climbs in his car before he follows, and he lets out a heavy sigh as he leans his head back into the headrest that draws Ryeowook's attention to him.

“What’s wrong ?”

“Why didn’t you tell me ?” Jongwoon turns his head to the side and reaches out to grab Ryeowook’s upper thigh.

Ryeowook knows exactly what Jongwoon’s alluring to. He hangs his head down in shame, but Jongwoon is quick to pull his chin back up with his hand so Ryeowook is forced to look at him; Jongwoon’s eyes are filled with nothing but concern and care, and Ryeowook is relieved that at least Jongwoon’s not mad at him.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook admits. “I just… I didn’t want you to worry more than you already did. I’m sorry.”

“Can you tell me what happened now ?” Jongwoon asks as softly as he can, not wanting Ryeowook to think for a second that he’s scolding him, and he turns on the engine and pulls up into the road. Ryeowook nods quietly. “Who’s that Zhoumi guy Sungmin mentioned earlier ?”

“A guy I hooked up with at a frat party last year,” Ryeowook mumbles, as though he doesn’t want Jongwoon to hear that part. Jongwoon’s grasp on the wheel tightens. “We were both drunk out of our minds. I don’t remember anything about it, to be honest. All I remember is him flirting with me, and then I woke up the next day to him freaking out like a madman and calling me all sorts of things, and since then he’s just been accusing me of taking advantage of him while he was drunk. I think he’s actually convinced of that.”

Jongwoon’s jaw clenches. “Why ? He’s the one who came to you first, isn’t he ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms, clearly upset by this whole story—and with good reason. “I think he’s just trying to convince himself that this is what happened because it’s easier for him to accuse me of doing something like that than it is to accept that he’s into guys. He hates me because I made it too real for him and now it’s harder for him to deny than it was before that party.”

“That doesn’t make any fucking sense,” Jongwoon curses, unable to suppress his anger anymore. “Please tell me you were telling the truth when you said he didn’t hurt you.” _Or else I might lose it and break every single bone in his body_, he wants to add, but he manages to keep quiet with what little self-control he has left.

“I was honest when I said it was more scare than hurt,” Ryeowook affirms, but he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek in nervousness.

“What did he do ?”

“He pushed me into a wall and tried to punch me but one of my friends managed to make him stop before he did it,” Ryeowook finally discloses in a shaky breath, and he shuts his eyes in fear of Jongwoon’s reaction.

Jongwoon wants to yell. He wants to curse and to call this asshole every goddamn name under the sun; he wants Ryeowook to tell him where he can find him so he can knock him out, but he does none of those things.

He does nothing, because he doesn’t want to scare Ryeowook and make him regret telling him. He wants Ryeowook to trust him and to know that he’s always going to be there to comfort him. He doesn’t want Ryeowook to think he’s angry at him or that he ever will be for confiding in him, no matter the severity of what he’s telling him.

Jongwoon breathes through his nose. “Are you hurt ?”

“My left shoulder blade took most of the beating, but the pain is gone now. I promise,” Ryeowook reassures him. Jongwoon doesn’t respond for a moment, his thoughts occupied by something else entirely. “Jongwoon ?”

“Oh god—” Jongwoon blurts out aloud as he comes back to reality. “Oh god, I almost—”

“Jongwoon, what’s wrong ?” Ryeowook worries, not knowing why Jongwoon’s suddenly freaking out like that.

“Ryeowook, you _have_ to tell me these things,” Jongwoon tells him. He sounds more insisting and worried than angry, and Ryeowook is even more disoriented now. “It could’ve been dangerous.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand what you mean by that—”

“You asked me to spank you today,” Jongwoon reminds him. “You tried to get me to do that twice. Fuck, I’m so glad I listened to my gut and didn’t do it. _Shit._”

Ryeowook frowns. “What does it have to do with—”

“It has _everything_ to do with the situation,” Jongwoon assures. “You got physically assaulted at school in the morning. If I had also been physical with you, it could’ve triggered a panic attack, at the very _least_. It could’ve been worse.”

“… oh.”

Ryeowook looks down at his hands resting in his lap, feeling ashamed and upset at himself. He hadn’t thought of that. In fact, he thought it might do the opposite and make him forget about Zhoumi, but Jongwoon is much more experienced than he is in that domain, so he trusts his words over his, and he understands why Jongwoon is freaking out now.

“Are you… mad at me ?”

Jongwoon exhales sharply. “No. No, I’m not. I’m just…” He lets out another sigh and grabs Ryeowook’s thigh once again so he can calm him down and assure him that he’s telling the truth. “Trusting and opening up to each other about things like that is really important, especially for the type of relationship that we have. If we get hurt or upset by something, we have to tell the other to avoid making things worse. I’m glad nothing happened this time, but please promise me to be open with me from now on.”

Ryeowook wants to cry, but not because he’s upset or mad at himself; he wants to cry because of how grateful he is to Jongwoon for being so understanding and patient with him, and for not getting mad even if he knows he’s fucked up big time. Jongwoon is an angel on Earth, and Ryeowook can’t believe that he’s lucky enough to have him like this.

“I promise,” Ryeowook chokes back a cry, which immediately sends Jongwoon back into a panic.

“_No_, no no no. Baby, please don’t cry,” Jongwoon pleas, but his worry fades away immediately when Ryeowook chuckles through his tears—now he’s just confused.

“I’m not crying because I’m sad, silly,” Ryeowook calls as he wipes off his tears with his sleeve. “I’m crying because you’re so perfect it makes me emotional.” _Because I love you_ would be the more accurate term, but Ryeowook cowers away once again at the last minute.

Jongwoon lets out a breath of relief, which only makes Ryeowook laugh harder for some reason, and Jongwoon swears Ryeowook’s laugh is his favourite thing in the world. Jongwoon takes Ryeowook’s hand in his free one, lacing their fingers together, and they spend the rest of the ride home sitting in comfortable silence as Ryeowook stares lovingly at their joined hands the whole way through.

Ryeowook feels much lighter by the time they get to Jongwoon’s apartment. As his boyfriend disappears into the bedroom to drop his travel bag in, it suddenly hits Ryeowook that this place has really started to feel like home to him, and he takes a moment to analyze just how much their relationship has evolved by now. He feels so much more comfortable around Jongwoon now, and much less doubt is plaguing his mind. He still has insecurities when it comes to particular things, but he knows they’ll disappear along with the rest in time.

Ryeowook is confident in saying this now. He’s truly and genuinely happy now, and he has nothing but Jongwoon to thank for that.

“What are you doing standing there like that ?” Jongwoon questions, trying to stifle a laugh.

“I got lost in my own thoughts,” Ryeowook smiles up at him.

Jongwoon walks up to him and hugs him from behind—something he _really_ likes to do, for whatever reason, but it’s not like Ryeowook wants to complain—and rests his chin on Ryeowook’s shoulder. “There’s a little game I wanna play with you, if you’re up for it,” Jongwoon speaks, voice low and sultry, and shivers go down Ryeowook’s spine because he knows by now what Jongwoon’s definition of a ‘game’ usually entails. Of course he’s up for it.

“What is it ?”

Jongwoon hums. “Let’s say it’s my version of a trust exercise.”

“What do you mean ?”

He can feel Jongwoon smile against his shoulder. “It’s just a little something I can prove to you that you can trust me. _Entirely_.”

“But I already do,” Ryeowook counters, thinking Jongwoon’s saying all of this because he’s doubting he does.

“Which is why we can play it in the first place,” Jongwoon teases as he licks a stripe up the love bite he’s given Ryeowook earlier that day, and Ryeowook feels his cock pulsing in his pants. _Fuck._ “It’s meant to bring that trust we already have to a completely new level.”

“And how… do you play this game ?”

Jongwoon’s arms tighten around his waist. Fuck, he loves that Ryeowook is always so willing to play along with him so fucking much. “I’m glad you asked, because it includes new things we’ve never tried together before.”

If Ryeowook wasn’t horny before, he definitely is now. Shit.

“I’m gonna tell you the rules, and you tell me how it sounds as I go, okay ? There’s only two, so it should be easy for you to decide.”

“Sounds good,” Ryeowook nods, fighting with everything he has so his legs don’t give up on him.

“Rule number one : you won’t be able to see me. I’m going to blindfold you so you won’t be able to predict my actions or know when they’re coming.”

_Holy hell._ It sounds so hot to him already that Ryeowook is almost scared to hear what the other rule is; he’d never thought something as simple as a blindfold would rile him up so much, but the way Jongwoon’s describing the ordeal makes it sound so much more exciting that he could’ve imagined.

“… and what’s the second one ?”

“So impatient already,” Jongwoon chuckles against his skin. “Rule number two : you won’t be able to touch me. I’ll tie you all up so you’ll be completely at my mercy, and I’ll have my way with you however I want.”

“_Oh fuck_,” Ryeowook lets out in a breathy moan, unable to keep his cool longer. He’s been waiting for Jongwoon to fuck him for so fucking long by now and after being teased so much in the past twenty-four hours, he’s about to break.

“Such a dirty mouth you have, baby,” Jongwoon teasingly scolds him as he starts to gently nibble at his earlobe. “We’re gonna have to do something about that soon, but that’s for another day.” He bites down on the skin a little harder there—not enough to hurt, but enough to have Ryeowook squirming in his arms as a reflex, and he uses that distraction to turn his body around to face him.

There’s a moment where Jongwoon does nothing but stare at Ryeowook’s features, his hands cupping his face to keep it in place, and the care and affection burning alongside the untamed lust and desire he has for him has the boy turn into mush for a second.

“You’ll look so pretty in red…” Jongwoon thinks aloud, words coming out in a sigh of pure bliss, before he takes the boys hand in his to drag him to the bedroom, and Ryeowook can do nothing but follow suit without resistance.

Jongwoon closes the door behind them and makes Ryeowook sit on the edge at the foot of the bed while he rummages through the bottom drawer of the dresser standing at the corner of the room. Jongwoon fetches a deep, rich crimson rope from the drawer as well as something resembling some sort of sleeping mask, but Ryeowook can tell from the leathery texture on the outside that it’s nothing of the sort, and his heartbeat picks up at the sight. _This is really happening. And fuck is he excited for it._

Ryeowook can barely watch as the man walks up to him, too embarrassed by how aroused he is already when Jongwoon hasn’t even touched him yet, and comes to a halt at his feet. Jongwoon places the toys on the mattress beside him along with a bottle of lube Ryeowook didn’t realize he was carrying, and tilts his chin up with the side of his right index finger, forcing the boy to look at him once again, and this time the look in Jongwoon’s dark, deep eyes chill him to the core—he knows that look. He knows that look too well by now. The one akin to a predator who’s just found his next prey, hungry and insistent, and yet somehow so nurturing that he can only feel relaxed and safe—something only Jongwoon can manage to pull off, and something that drives Ryeowook absolutely crazy in the best way possible.

“Arms up,” Jongwoon calls as he hooks his fingers under the hem of Ryeowook’s shirt. Ryeowook does as he’s asked quietly, the thought of rebelling as he had for the entire day gone from him by now. “Good boy.”

Jongwoon is quick to bend over to capture his lips in a heated kiss the second he pulls Ryeowook’s light blue sweater over his head, but he doesn’t drag it on for very long. It’s nothing strange to him by now that Jongwoon is a tease, and judging from the mischievous smirk on the man’s face just then, he can tell Jongwoon’s not done playing with him just yet. Ryeowook can't stop the whine that comes with that thought—he just wants Jongwoon inside of him. _Now._

“What is it, angel ?” Jongwoon inquires, tilting his head to the side, and trails his thumb along the curve of Ryeowook’s lips. _Angel._ Ryeowook doesn’t know why, but that pet name has him feeling so small all of a sudden, and he fucking loves it. “Getting impatient already ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t know what to answer to that. He doesn’t know whether begging will help his case or make it worse—and he definitely knows clapping back at him will not lead to good results—and he doesn’t want to take the risk, so he just nods shyly in hopes that Jongwoon understands.

“You’re so cute,” Jongwoon coos. “You almost make me wanna cave in and give you everything you want, but… where’s the fun in that, hm..? I love seeing how messed up you become when your mind calls for nothing but my cock inside of you too much.” The chuckle that comes from Jongwoon then sounds almost evil, and for a moment Ryeowook feels like he might start crying. His eyes shut tight, and he hears shuffling in front of him before the warmth of Jongwoon’s hand disappears from his cheek for a second before he can feel it again, but this time rubbing at his lower stomach gently.

When Ryeowook opens his eyes, Jongwoon is kneeling in front of him, and the sight has him gasping for air for a minute. _Holy fuck._

“Don’t worry, baby,” Jongwoon swears as he’s moving forward to press a kiss on the sweet spot right below his navel. “I promise I’ll take good care of you, as always.”

Jongwoon makes quick work of his pants, unzipping them swiftly and tugging them down to his ankles, and Ryeowook doesn't waste time in kicking them off. A moan escapes him when Jongwoon spreads his legs wider and caresses the inside of his thighs gently, and Ryeowook can already see a wet patch forming on the light grey fabric of his boxers. He’s so fucking hard already and Jongwoon still hasn’t done anything. He doesn’t know how much longer he can contain himself at this point, but he knows the rules—he can’t cum unless Jongwoon gives him permission.

Yeah, he’s fucked.

“Hm…” Jongwoon hums, pensive. His right hand inches closer to the boy’s crotch, but he withdraws it too soon for Ryeowook’s content, and the latter whines in protest. Jongwoon ignores him completely. “It must’ve been hard for you… Over two weeks of being apart, last night’s phone call, today’s rejections on my part… You did cum this morning, but it wasn’t satisfying at all, was it ?” Ryeowook shakes his head ‘no’. “Your little cock is just begging to be touched, isn’t it ?”

“Y—yeah…”

“I see.” Jongwoon leaves a quick peck on the side of Ryeowook's left knee, and finally, _finally_ brings his hand up to cup Ryeowook’s cock over his boxers. “Does it feel good ?”

Ryeowook nods quickly, his affirmative answer coming as nothing more than a choked moan, but it’s all Jongwoon needs to be satisfied for now.

“I wanted to play with you for a little bit, but luckily for you, I’m growing impatient too,” Jongwoon admits as he keeps rubbing at the very obvious bulge in Ryeowook’s underwear. “Stretch your arms out for me.”

Jongwoon reaches for the rope next to him as the boy obeys; he stands up once more, and he starts looping the thin rope around Ryeowook’s wrists, and gradually goes up his forearms up to the elbow before he comes to a stop.

“Is it too tight ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head. “No.”

“Good.”

Jongwoon then pushes the boy’s tied up limbs to lay them against his chest, and finishes tying him up by wrapping the rope around his chest and shoulders, making it completely impossible to him to move his arms at all.

Ryeowook finds that he likes this—_a lot._ Being trapped and caged like this somehow makes him feel even safer in some bizarre way that he can’t really explain, but he feels at peace. He feels calm and serene, protected from the outside world, and he reels in this blissful feeling as his mind starts to cloud over. He feels high, and he fucking loves it.

“I knew you’d look so pretty like that,” Jongwoon compliments him, the lust in his voice now clearly noticeable—he’s never seen Ryeowook look more beautiful in his eyes, and it’s driving him completely insane. And it’s so fucking hard to keep his cool and contain himself now, too, that he realizes he’s made the right decision when he chose not to drag the teasing longer a minute ago because he won’t be able to hold on for very long.

Jongwoon takes a hold on the blindfold in its turn, stretching the band out to place it around Ryeowook’s head, but he doesn’t pull it over his eyes just yet—he wants to make sure Ryeowook’s okay first because the boy is starting to look drowsy, and he’d rather avoid having him drop again.

“Color ?”

“Green,” Ryeowook replies immediately. Fuck, he’s so ready for this.

“Alright.”

Jongwoon brings the blindfold down and secures it in front of Ryeowook’s eyes. It’s very thick and opaque, with a very soft interior lining, and Ryeowook can confidently claim that he can no longer see a thing besides an endless sea of darkness. He can immediately take note of the difference it makes to lose one of his senses; everything feels more intense all of a sudden. He’s aware of the room’s cooler temperature, he can feel the gentle blow of the air conditioning unit on his skin—he can even feel Jongwoon’s presence in front of him even if the man is no longer touching him, and the thrill brought by how unaware he is of what’s to come has shivers run down his entire body.

He hears the ruffling of clothes as Jongwoon—he assumes—takes his clothes off and discards them somewhere to the side. Jongwoon’s hands are on the back of his thighs shortly after, and he feels every hair on his body rise up; goosebumps litter his entire body, and Jongwoon chuckles.

The next thing Ryeowook knows, he’s being dragged farther down the edge of the bed in one quick motion, and he hits the mattress with his back with a surprised gasp. Jongwoon’s usual gentleness seems to have vanished now, if the way he practically rips away his underwear from him is anything to go by, and Ryeowook can't complain.

He wants Jongwoon to be rough with him.

“Fuck,” Jongwoon curses as he rubs his cock against the inside of Ryeowook’s thigh. “Can you feel that, baby ? Can you feel what you’re doing to me ?”

“Jongwoon—”

“You’re driving me fucking insane,” Jongwoon continues, reaching for the bottle of lube as he speaks. “And you look so helpless under me like that… fuck, baby, you have no fucking idea what it makes me want to do to you.”

Ryeowook is so spaced out by now that he completely misses the sounds of the bottle cap snapping open and Jongwoon squeezing the liquid out onto his fingers—the only thing he’s aware of is Jongwoon’s middle finger pushing past his rim without warning, but despite how fucking amazing it feels to have Jongwoon inside of him again, he needs _more_. He needs so much more, and he starts squirming around as much as he can manage being all tied up the way he is in a desperate attempt to get Jongwoon to just hurry up and stop taking so goddamn long and just fuck him already.

“_Don’t. Move,_” Jongwoon scolds him as he pushes against the boy’s stomach with his free hand to stop him from moving. “God, you’re so fucking greedy.” Jongwoon pushes his ring finger against the rim and stretches him open, finally, _finally_ giving Ryeowook some semblance of satisfaction, but it's still not nearly enough. “Do you hear yourself ? Your cute little moans sound so desperate already. You really want my cock that fucking bad, don’t you ?”

“Y— _hng…_ fuck,” Ryeowook barely manages to utter through his moans.

“So fucking greedy,” Jongwoon repeats as he adds in a third finger, clicking his tongue in faked disappointment. He’s purposely avoiding the spot he knows Ryeowook hopelessly wants him to hit; he doesn’t want Ryeowook to cum, not until _he's_ ready to. _Once_. That’s all Ryeowook’s going to get today, because despite it all, he still acted like a brat for most of it, and Jongwoon’s not that merciful.

Jongwoon decides that he’s stretched out enough once Ryeowook’s moans start sounding more like sobs, and Ryeowook actually lets out a cry of protest when he withdraws his fingers from his hole without warning. Jongwoon ignores him once again as he coats his now painfully hard cock in a generous amount of lube, biting his lip as he looks down at Ryeowook once again.

A big mistake, he must admit, because he thinks he might cum just from this sight—wrapped up in rope, helpless and so vulnerable, but so _willing_—and now he’s thinking about how perfect he’d look if Ryeowook’s entire body was covered in his seed, and that's even worse; he shakes that thought away as soon as it comes, because he’s not going to pass the opportunity to pound into Ryeowook’s little ass this time as much as the idea of jerking off onto his body sounds amazing right now.

Ryeowook’s hole is clenching uncontrollably when Jongwoon presses the tip of his cock against it; it’s ready to swallow him whole. The man lifts Ryeowook’s legs up to wrap them around his waist, and nearly loses his fucking mind when he thrusts his cock inside his lover in one hard motion.

“Oh my god !” Ryeowook gasps. “_Holy shit_—”

“Fuck—” Jongwoon groans as he topples forward on top of Ryeowook and tries to compose himself as best as he can; Ryeowook’s little hole is so fucking tight he’s suffocating, just as he remembers, but he knows it’s not a feeling he can ever get used to. “_Shit_. You’re so perfect.”

Ryeowook reflexively tries to reach out for Jongwoon, to hang on to him, but his restraints quickly make work of reminding him that he can’t do that. He tries to pull harder, testing to see if it would budge, but to no avail; he’s got no way out of it, so he resigns himself rather quickly. Jongwoon’s panting above him, unmoving for a second as he waits for Ryeowook’s constant spasming to calm down before he starts rolling his hips against his.

Ryeowook’s mind goes blank.

There’s nothing he can compare to the feeling of and how beautifully Jongwoon’s cock stretches him out and brushes against his every nerve all at once; nothing he can compare to the sound of Jongwoon’s quiet grunts in his ear as he picks up the pace; nothing he can compare to how special Jongwoon makes him feel with his every breath; nothing he can compare to how everything they’re doing right now, how defenseless and exposed he is when he can’t see nor move, and fuck, Ryeowook’s completely head over heels for him.

Jongwoon bends down to drag Ryeowook in a sloppy, hurried, wet kiss as he picks up the pace once again, and the slight change in the angle of his thrusts is enough for him to hit that one spot that has Ryeowook moan even louder, and Jongwoon knows he’s close. Hell, he is too—there’s no way he can’t be given how fucking tight and _soft_ Ryeowook feels around him.

“Are you gonna cum soon, angel ?”

Ryeowook nods, brushing his nose against Jongwoon’s in passing from how close they are to the other. “Y—yeah—fuck it feels so good—please don’t st—_oh god._”

Jongwoon interrupts him when he wraps his hand around the boy’s cock and rubs his thumb over the slit. “Go ahead, then.”

Ryeowook is clenching so hard around him as he’s cumming that it becomes hard for Jongwoon to even move, and he’s about to lose it. With one particularly sharp thrust, he buries himself as deep as he can inside the younger man, and waits for Ryeowook to come down from his high.

Except Ryeowook doesn’t.

The boy is trembling so much under him as more and more cum drips down his cock, two weeks of pent up sexual frustration coming out in one go, and Jongwoon can only stay still as he stares at the space between them, where Ryeowook’s cock is pulsing and shooting out strings of white that paint an abstract masterpiece on his stomach, and Jongwoon’s fingers dig into the covers as he fights against his instincts screaming at him to just _ruin_ the boy completely right then and there.

“Shit, you’re cumming so much, baby,” Jongwoon pants, and he feels his own cock start to throb against Ryeowook’s clenching muscles. He can tell it’s starting to feel overwhelming for the boy when Ryeowook’s head dips back and digs into the mattress under him, so with what little strength he has left, Jongwoon brings his arm up to slide Ryeowook’s blindfold off his eyes, finally allowing him to see, and makes the boy look into his eyes to calm him down.

“Hey,” he pants out. “It’s gonna be okay, baby.” Jongwoon smiles down at him fondly. “I’m so proud of you.”

Ryeowook’s breathing evens out just a bit, but it’s enough for Jongwoon to know he’s going to be okay. He lets out a sigh of relief, and with one last thrust, he’s cumming too, cock twitching deep within him and making the boy breathe out in pure bliss.

Jongwoon bends down to kiss Ryeowook again, this time much less urgently, as he rides down his orgasm—he doesn’t want to pull out, not just yet. He wants to bask in this feeling for as long as he can; enjoy having their bodies merged into one, just the way it’s supposed to be.

“Fuck, baby, that was… _fuck_,” he pants once he breaks away, and eyes down Ryeowook’s body to look at the rope that’s holding him completely still as well as his cum coating the skin over his stomach. Jongwoon smiles to himself. He really, _really_ fucking loves to see Ryeowook like that. Tied up and covered in cum, cute little cock softening and looking almost tired, and attached to Jongwoon’s own cock. He wouldn’t ask for more.

Jongwoon waits until his breathing steadies a bit more before he looks back up at Ryeowook to meet his deep, rich brown eyes gazing at him with unrestrained adoration, and Jongwoon feels as though his heart’s just jumped out of his chest to join Ryeowook’s—and for the first time in his life, he finds that he doesn’t mind that.

Jongwoon gives his boyfriend another quick peck on the lips before he pulls out, gathering all the strength he has to pull himself up, and begins to untie Ryeowook from his restraints. To his surprise, his boyfriend doesn’t seem too keen on that; the pout tugging at his lips is telling, and for some reason, it makes Jongwoon laugh. “We have to get you out of these, baby.”

“I know,” Ryeowook mumbles like a child who’s just been denied a new toy and tries—in vain—to hide his disappointment. “I like them, though.”

Jongwoon almost coos at him as he unties him gently and puts it down on the floor at his feet without much care. “If you love it so much, we can play this game again if you keep being good.”

Ryeowook’s eyes shine bright with newfound hope, and Jongwoon loops his arms under him to embrace him, his own stomach sticking to Ryeowook’s from the drying cum, acting as a replacement for the rope Ryeowook misses already. They stay like that, locked onto each other, for an unnamed amount of time—long enough for Ryeowook to start feeling drowsy again by the time Jongwoon starts moving again.

“Let’s go clean ourselves up,” Jongwoon sighs—he doesn’t want to get up either, but he knows they have to. “A washcloth won’t be of much help with all this mess. Can you stand ?”

“I—I don’t know,” Ryeowook assesses tiredly, feeling as though his legs might give up on him if he tries to stand.

“Alright,” Jongwoon whispers as he gives the boy a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll carry you, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO MY BOY ZHOUMI, I'M SO SORRY THAT I MADE YOU AN ASSHOLE IN THIS FIC, PLS FORGIVE ME, I LOVE YOU 😭 But yeah hum conclusion to what I call the Zhoumi arc is gonna be in the next chapter. AGAIN, PLS DON'T HATE ME FOR DOING THIS, I FEEL REALLY BAD 😭


	7. Turning Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER  
This chapter contains graphic violence, mention of blood, homophobia (use of the f-slur), and the daddy kink, which apparently I have to warn people about too since some don't understand what it's about and think it's some sort of abominable perversion— *ahem* anyway.
> 
> This chapter took me a long, long time to update, and I couldn't have done it without the tremendous help of my new (and amazing) beta-reader Pau (go [follow her on Twitter](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) and give her love, deadass this chapter would've never seen the light of day without her help)
> 
> Oh. It's also very long. So good luck, ahah

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Chapter 3 — War-Torn Heart

_ The warlord’s gloved hand knocks on the door with a delicacy he thought himself incapable of inhibiting up until now. Everything about the situation, from out of character he’s acting compared to his usual composed, cold-hearted, apathetic self almost feels surreal. Heejae regrets coming all the way there the second he picks up the woman’s familiar aura moving inside the house, but his legs refuse to obey him when he attempts to flee. He hears the lock being fiddled with, and then he sees her._

_ Graceful as ever, even if he can tell he’d just woken her up from her slumber, she appears like a dream before him, and suddenly the heaviness in his heart feels alleviated. She’s absolutely magnificent, an image of splendour that leaves him to wonder how such a grisly, grotesque world could have also given birth to such a pure, ethereal being, and he welcomes her light like a warm blanket on a cold winter night, entrancing him and illuminating his otherwise pitch black world._

_ Jihye’s striking hazel eyes widen at the sight of the man before her. He looks nothing like the unbreakable warrior the young woman knows him to be. The Heejae who stood before her, tired and drenched from the heavy rain pouring down on him, is powerless; he’s in pain, stricken by grief and plagued with such a deep hopelessness, and Jihye can physically feel her heart shattering to pieces instantly._

_ “Heejae..?” she calls tentatively, wondering for a second if this all were but just a dream. “What are you..?”_

_ “Minjae…” the man begins, voice trembling from held back tears—he appears utterly lost, like a young child who had just been separated from his parents in the crowded streets of the market. “Minjae, he…”_

_ Heejae doesn’t need to speak any further. Jihye understood. Minjae, his little brother, his beacon of light in this world of horrors, the person the Park clan leader holds more dearly than anything else, is no longer. He’s lost him forever, and along with him the fire that always seems to remain ignited inside of her old friend burned out._

_ She doesn’t say a word. Hesitantly, she reaches out for him, and with a touch as light as a feather, leaves her deft fingers with his, inviting him inside. As the young woman leads him into a spacious room with a pleasantly warm fire already cackling in the hearth, and a large futon laid out with soft, spotless covers, she expects the man to snap out of his trance, to reject her touch, to realize the absurdity of his actions after he ventured into enemy territory to seek the comfort of a woman from a different clan, but he did none of that._

Jongwoon lets his shoulders fall back against the headboard, and lets out a heavy sigh. He’s currently sitting in bed, laptop resting on his thighs, and absent-mindedly stroking Ryeowook’s hair gently as he tries to make sense of what he’s just written. His boyfriend is still sleeping soundly next to him, and Jongwoon didn’t feel right about letting him wake up alone if he’d locked himself up in his office to keep working on his book—but inspiration is such a rare occurrence these days that he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to take advantage of it when his creative streak had hit him earlier this morning, so he figured he could at least make use of his time before Ryeowook wakes up in his turn.

Jongwoon reads through the chapter once again, and he’s unsure about it all. He thinks he might accidentally be projecting his own feelings onto his writing. Albeit in a much less dramatic sense, his relationship with Ryeowook feels, at the core of it all, exactly the same as he’d described : a beam of light in a world that had looked so dull and bleak to him not so long ago. A breath of fresh air after suffocating for so long; a gleam of hope for a better future, one Jongwoon had long thought unobtainable up to this point.

Smiling to himself, Jongwoon glances to his side to admire his sleeping boyfriend for a bit. _He’s so cute._ He looks so calm and peaceful like this that Jongwoon thinks he may as well be an angel in disguise at this point. He’s so perfect, and Jongwoon is slowly starting to understand what exactly makes Ryeowook so special to him; he makes it so easy to just _be_ with him, because Ryeowook never expects anything from him. He’s letting him move at his own pace without demanding anything, and that alone means more to Jongwoon than he himself is aware of at the moment.

_ Gently, tentatively, he slips an arm around her waist and draws her closer, gauging her response to his touch with his charcoal eyes full of doubt. When she doesn’t resist, he pulls her more securely against his front, his drenched clothes sticking to and soaking her light nightgown, but she pays it no mind. He finds her form delightfully soft against him; she smells of jasmine, sweet, like his own night-blooming flowers in the private garden he tends to when he’s at home._

**Home**_. That’s what she feels like._

_Home. That’s what Ryeowook feels like._

Jongwoon blinks and stares at the screen as his mind goes blank, and he tries to process the thought he’s had just then. There’s a part of him that starts to panic, and as though his laptop had now spontaneously burst into flames, he shuts the lid off and throws it at the foot of his bed—and for a moment, he thinks he may have stopped breathing as his mind turns into nothing more than jumbled words and emotions he can’t make sense of.

He’s been having these bouts of anxiety regarding his relationship with Ryeowook quite frequently lately, and it’s slowly eating at him. Maybe Ryeowook is making it _too_ easy to be with him, actually; maybe the fact that the boy makes him so comfortable to care for is more of a curse than a blessing, because it brings along a plethora of feelings Jongwoon doesn’t know how to deal with. It makes him feel like he’s losing control—something he absolutely dreads, and what he’s always had deep-rooted issues with, for as long as he can remember.

Jongwoon shakes his head from side to side and mentally punches himself for acting the way he is. He knows that it’s ridiculous and that it doesn’t make sense; he doubts, or at least the rational part of him does, that Ryeowook is going to hurt him—in any case, Jongwoon is going to be the one who does, and he guesses this is what he fears the most in the end. He’s scared the same pattern he’s experienced with his previous relationships is going to manifest itself again because _he can’t fucking let go_, and he hates himself for it. If there’s one person in the whole entire world who doesn’t deserve having to deal with his shit, it’s Ryeowook—someone Jongwoon deeply cares about and wishes to protect above all else, but he’s starting to question his ability to do that now; how is he supposed to protect the boy from him when he himself doesn’t understand what’s going on in his own head ?

Jongwoon closes his eyes, and breathes deep. He needs to calm down before Ryeowook wakes up; the last thing he wants is for him to worry, or even to sense that something might be wrong. He wants to remain the safe haven he’s made himself to be and not have Ryeowook be plagued with a million questions that could lead to him questioning his intentions.

Taking one last deep breath, Jongwoon allows himself to lie back down on the mattress, and after spending a few seconds staring at the ceiling, he turns himself on his side to face Ryeowook’s back. He sighs, and he reaches out to wrap an arm around the boy’s waist to pull him close, until there’s no more room for even air to pass through between them; Jongwoon buries his nose in the boy’s hair, and he lets Ryeowook’s scent put him at ease—it has a calming effect on him, and he feels his tense muscles finally relax a bit after a few minutes.

Jongwoon isn’t aware when Ryeowook wakes up at first; he’s too focused on trying to get his mind to just _shut the fuck up already_ to even realize his hold on him tightened seemingly on its own—needless to say he’s caught off guard when he feels the curve of Ryeowook’s ass press against his crotch as the boy slowly starts grinding down on him, and there’s a split second where Jongwoon doesn’t know how to react. His whole body stiffens in fear that Ryeowook will turn around and notice the shock and worry transpiring onto Jongwoon’s face, but then the boy giggles, apparently amused by his reaction, and in a fraction of a time Jongwoon’s mind goes entirely blank. It’s as if all of his anxiety had been swept away in one go, and he feels like he can finally breathe again.

“Good morning, you little tease,” Jongwoon mumbles against the nape of Ryeowook’s neck, and he smiles despite himself when the boy giggles again.

“Morning,” Ryeowook answers sleepily, and he twists his upper body around to look at Jongwoon peering over his shoulder. The boy smiles at him, trying to play innocent, but the glimmer of lust in Jongwoon’s eyes lets him know right away that he’s not very convincing.

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow at him and lets out an amused chuckle, and he’s met with Ryeowook’s bright—and _treacherous_—smile before the boy starts moving against him once again. “You’re really going to play this game with me, huh ?”

“Don’t say that as if you don’t enjoy it,” Ryeowook quips, chuckling.

Jongwoon hums in faked disappointment. “I’d be careful about growing too bold if I were you, angel,” he warns, but the smirk tugging at the corner of his lips betrays his words.

Ryeowook bites his lip. “Or what ?” he questions, pretending not to know the answer to that already.

Jongwoon trails his hands down to Ryeowook’s waist, and he slides his thumb under the shirt he’s wearing to trace along the hem of his boxers; a light, teasing and burning touch that has Ryeowook wanting more, but the boy stays quiet. “Or you might bite more than you can chew,” he murmurs in his ear; the next second, he’s pinning Ryeowook’s hips against his, locking him in place—so impossibly close that Ryeowook can feel Jongwoon’s cock pulse against the curve of his ass, and the boy can do nothing but let out a whine in defeat.

Jongwoon chuckles darkly, satisfied, and leaves a quick kiss on the sweet spot behind Ryeowook’s ear; his lips linger there for a moment longer, hovering just over the skin, and chills run down the boy’s spine despite him.

“Let’s go out today,” Jongwoon exclaims out of the blue, catching Ryeowook by surprise from how _casual_ he’s sounding now in spite of the nature of their conversation from mere minutes ago.

“What ?” Ryeowook blinks, and he tries to turn his body around to face Jongwoon to see if the man is being serious or not.

Jongwoon quickly kisses his cheek before jolting out of bed, leaving Ryeowook to lay there utterly confused and unnerved by Jongwoon’s odd behaviour. “Come on, let’s get dressed and spend the day out.”

“This is such a typical high school date idea,” Ryeowook comments jokingly, amused by the situation. “Are you sure you’re thirty ?”

“_Hey_,” Jongwoon objects as he pretends to be hurt by Ryeowook’s comment. “I would’ve gone for a day at the park, but it’s pouring outside. And I’m _twenty-nine_, by the way, don’t age me before I’m due.” Jongwoon laughs, and Ryeowook is quick to join him as he wraps his arms around the older man and pulls him in for a hug as a way to ‘apologize’, even though he’s not sorry at all.

“I’m not complaining,” Ryeowook mumbles into his chest, and Jongwoon almost misses it because of the ambient noise of people chit-chatting all around them. “I got used to how cheesy you can be at times. It’s cute.”

Being called _cute_ isn’t something Jongwoon is used to at all, and he doesn’t really know how he’s supposed to take it. It doesn’t seem to bother him as much as he thought it would, though; coming from Ryeowook, it’s almost endearing in a strange way, but he still remains somewhat unsettled by the compliment.

“I actually don’t get to go to the mall very often,” Ryeowook admits as he breaks away from the embrace. “Since I’m always busy with college and all that.” He doesn’t want to tell Jongwoon the main reason for it is because he doesn’t really have the budget for it, given he lives off a scholarship that can barely cover the basics. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to feel bad for him.

“Guess that means I’ll have to show you around, then,” Jongwoon smirks teasingly, and the gleam in his eyes as he looks down at Ryeowook shows nothing but pure adoration.

“When you say it like that, it sounds like you’re planning to pull me into a restricted area and fuck me there,” Ryeowook giggles, and Jongwoon swears that the boy’s ability to speak so lewdly while looking absolutely adorable and innocent is going to drive him crazy.

“I was thinking of taking you to this one store I really like, but your offer is very tempting.” Jongwoon means it as a joke, just so he can play along with Ryeowook; but the way he’s now looking down at the boy, the fondness that had been shining bright until then shifting over to something much, much darker, implies something else entirely, and Ryeowook feels his cheeks heat up at the thought of taking such a risk.

Jongwoon tilts Ryeowook’s chin up, his index finger pinned securely just under the jaw bone, effectively preventing the boy from averting his eyes; Ryeowook instantly feels himself melt under his boyfriend’s intense gaze, as if he were slowly shrinking and getting even smaller, and for a second he thinks Jongwoon might actually go through with this idea—his cock twitches in his pants despite himself, and he silently prays that Jongwoon can’t feel it move against his thigh.

“I thought I warned you about biting more than you can chew,” Jongwoon whispers lowly, his breath now ghosting over Ryeowook’s lips as he speaks, and _fuck_, now he can really feel the strain in his pants as his cock desperately begs to be touched. “If you keep provoking me like this, one day I’ll lose control and you’re going to regret it, _baby boy_.”

Jongwoon’s lips shift into a devilish, satisfied grin, and he hums in amusement before he pulls away, denying Ryeowook of the kiss he’d been yearning for, and his mind is so foggy that he’s barely aware of his surroundings anymore. The world seems so distant from them now, and Ryeowook is unable to focus on anything but his cock pulsing in his jeans at this point.

When Ryeowook’s consciousness finally returns to him, Jongwoon is guiding him inside a clothing store he didn’t manage to catch the name of before they step in; not that it would matter to him, given there’s no way he’s ever going to be able to afford anything in here. Everything around them screams _expensive_.

Not that it surprises him in the slightest that Jongwoon would dress in a place like this, though. The man’s always put a lot of attention in his appearance; Ryeowook can’t recall a single time where he’s seen his boyfriend in just plain, casual clothes. If anything, he’s pretty sure the t-shirt he’s ‘borrowed’—_stolen_ would be the more accurate term, but it’s not like Jongwoon ever complained about it—is the only lose-fitting, _normal_ piece of clothing he even owns.

Needless to say, Ryeowook feels very out of place here. Even the retail assistants are better dressed than he is, and he subconsciously scoots closer to Jongwoon to cling to him in search for comfort. Jongwoon immediately notices his sudden shift in behaviour, and he’s quick to respond by wrapping his arm around Ryeowook’s waist, securing him to his side.

“You okay ?” Jongwoon inquires worryingly. Ryeowook nods, swallowing back the knot obstructing his throat, and Jongwoon frowns in concern. “What’s wrong ?”

“Nothing,” Ryeowook mumbles in a small and unassured voice. “I just… feel a bit out of place, I guess.” The boy then admits, and he signals Jongwoon with a subtle tilt of the head to look at the retail assistants behind the counter—one of them is staring, and Jongwoon internally grimaces. Ryeowook then tries to laugh his anxiety off. “I don’t think I suit the store’s dress code.”

“I think he’s staring at us because we’re together,” Jongwoon counters, hoping to take some tension off of Ryeowook’s shoulder by assuring him it’s not something the boy should take personally. “Don’t let him intimidate you. He can’t shame us back in the closet.”

Ryeowook quickly glances at the man behind the counter, and he thinks Jongwoon might be right. As much as the boy tends to forget that some people still have issues with same sex couples most days, they’re still very real as unfortunate and quite frankly ridiculous as it is.

Jongwoon takes his eyes off of Ryeowook for a moment, and he glares at the retail employee from where they stand near the entrance. The man immediately realizes that he’s been spotted, and Jongwoon’s gaze feels so intense it feels like he’s shrinking in place. There’s a split second where he catches something flash through Jongwoon’s eyes that chills him to the bone, and he stumbles backwards; he most likely would’ve toppled on the ground were it not be for the counter behind him catching his fall, and Jongwoon smirks in satisfaction when the man struggles to find anything to do in order to pretend he’s busy with work.

Ryeowook seems to find it amusing as well, and he instantly feels better. Jongwoon somehow always manages to fix every single one of his fears and worries, and he’s so thankful to have someone like him in his life.

“Let’s just look around for a bit,” Jongwoon suggests, winking at the boy slyly.

Deciding not to bother paying attention to the retail assistant any longer, Ryeowook nods, and he follows Jongwoon closely as they slowly make their way through the aisles. It’s mostly Jongwoon who’s looking at the clothes—Ryeowook doesn’t see the point in it, given he can’t actually buy anything, but as they keep venturing deeper into the store, there’s a particular piece of clothing that catches enough of his attention for him to stop in his tracks to take a closer look at it.

It’s a black, entirely see through mesh t-shirt—the kind Ryeowook sometimes sees idols wearing on TV. He’s never really thought much of it before, but there’s something about this particular one that attracts him, although he can’t tell the reason why.

He isn’t aware that he’s staring until Jongwoon peaks over his shoulder, intrigued by what Ryeowook is staring at, which startles the boy who immediately puts the hanger back on the rack in panic.

“Wanna try it on ?” Jongwoon questions, chuckling about Ryeowook’s reaction.

Ryeowook blinks. “I, huh…” he stutters, unsure of how to respond to that. “No, I was just looking. Plus it’s in the women’s section,” he then points to the sign standing above their heads. “Wouldn’t that be weird ?”

“Not really,” Jongwoon shrugs with no hesitation. “If you like it and feel comfortable wearing it, then what’s written on the label shouldn’t matter, should it ?”

Ryeowook frowns as he reflects over what Jongwoon’s just said. “... yeah. You’re right.”

Jongwoon chuckles and presses a short and quick kiss to Ryeowook’s temple. “Of course I am. Now go try it on. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It can just be our little secret.”

Ryeowook realizes that Jongwoon isn’t giving him a choice when he sees the man pick up the shirt for him, but he finds that he doesn’t really feel like protesting, however much he wants to curse himself for being so goddamn _easy_; obeying Jongwoon feels like second nature to him at this point, and there’s something so strangely comforting about it that he doesn’t think he could have it any other way even if he tried.

Ryeowook loses awareness of his surroundings for a moment as his thoughts carry him away; he can’t help but ponder over how perfect Jongwoon is for him and how much he’s helped him grow as a person over the few months they’ve been together—he’s made him discover things about himself he never would’ve known about if it weren’t for him, and Ryeowook couldn’t be happier. _Jongwoon_ makes him happy, but most importantly, he’s given him the one thing he’s needed his entire life : unconditional support. Jongwoon’s grown to be so much more than just his boyfriend by now—he’s his safety blanket. He’s someone Ryeowook needs in his life, and someone he’d be completely lost and helpless without.

“Ready to try on the clothes ?” Jongwoon suddenly asks, startling Ryeowook out of his reverie. Confused, the boy takes a quick look at his surroundings; somehow, someway, they’ve made it to the back of the store and are now standing in front of the changing rooms, and Ryeowook’s been so zoned out this whole time that he didn’t even realize they’d been moving at all. “Is everything okay ?”

“Oh, huh, yeah, sorry,” Ryeowook apologizes hurriedly, mentally slapping himself back to reality. “I got distracted for a good minute there.”

“I can see that,” Jongwoon smiles fondly at him, relief briefly flashing through his eyes now that he knows Ryeowook is okay.

Jongwoon playfully ruffles up Ryeowook’s hair to the boy’s dismay before guiding him—or rather _push_ him—into the closest available stall, and he leans against the frame, a mischievous grin plastered on his face, as he waits for Ryeowook to finally fully come back down to earth. The utter disbelief that appears in the boy’s eyes at Jongwoon’s sudden action amuses the older man more than it should, and he takes advantage of the situation to dump the small pile of clothes he’s holding into Ryeowook’s arms before his boyfriend can fully understand what’s going on.

“Jongwoon, what are you—” Ryeowook blurts out, still confused. He looks down at the clothes he’s holding, and he suddenly becomes aware that he’s holding more than just the shirt he’d noticed earlier; there’s a moment where all he can do is stare, trying to make out what this all means, before he finally comes back to his senses fully.

Jongwoon immediately notices the shift in Ryeowook’s expression, the uncertainty in his eyes sticking out like a sore thumb, but Jongwoon is quick to react before Ryeowook can even say anything. “I figured that since you were going to try on the shirt in the first place, might as well make it a full outfit,” he explains, answering Ryeowook’s silent question in the process. Ryeowook immediately regrets it when he lifts his gaze to look at Jongwoon and meets with his boyfriend staring right back at him with dark eyes burning with desire, and he feels himself floating again. “Maybe you can end up putting on a little show for me, how does that sound ?”

Ryeowook half expected—and almost _wished_—Jongwoon to come into the changing room with him, but Jongwoon seems to have a different plan in mind, in the end. He’d be lying if he said he’s not disappointed, but the idea of making it a surprise and allowing Ryeowook to show off in front of him also sounds appealing to him, so the boy doesn’t protest in the end, even if it’s not what he’d intended to happen.

“Don’t keep me waiting for too long,” Jongwoon winks at him before he slides the curtains to hide him from view.

Despite Jongwoon’s demand, Ryeowook takes a minute to analyze the outfit Jongwoon put together for him; it’s fairly simple—just a pair of black, ripped skinny jeans and a red, tight-fitting blazer—yet substantially more upscale than anything he’s ever worn in his life. There’s a part of him that still feels out of place, but Jongwoon had looked so _eager_ to see him in those clothes that he forces himself to swallow down his worries, and he finally starts taking off his clothes to change into the new ones.

Once he’s done, Ryeowook takes a moment to admire himself in the mirror; all his doubts about the clothes, especially the shirt, almost instantly vanish at the sight—he doesn’t get to say this very often, but damn he looks good, and he’s suddenly filled with a newfound sense of confidence that he welcomes gratefully.

“Baby ? You okay in there ?” he hears Jongwoon call, and Ryeowook takes a deep breath to settle his nerves before turning around and opening the curtain without warning.

“What do you think ?” Ryeowook asks shyly, suddenly feeling very exposed, and he has to fight back the urge to cover himself up with the blazer for a good minute.

Jongwoon doesn’t reply. In fact, he doesn’t even move; he’s completely frozen in place, unable to do anything but _stare_, and his mind goes completely blank. He feels so light-headed that he thinks he might lose his balance for a moment, and once his train of thought decides to finally come back to him, it’s filled with nothing but extremely inappropriate urges that nearly suffocate him, and there’s a split second where his vision goes red.

Fuck.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

_Holy shit._

Jongwoon stops breathing then, and he nearly goes insane from the sheer amount of strength he has to use to stop himself from jumping on the boy right then and there, and he’s _freaking out_. Never before in his life has he ever come this fucking close to losing it, especially not over something like this, no matter how fucking hot the other person may have looked; Ryeowook is the first and only one to have ever sent his mind into such chaos, and that’s why he’s so fucking terrified of his feelings for him. All of this is completely foreign to him, and the thought of having no control over his emotions and actions—over _himself_—is anything but a pleasant one.

He’d been right in his warning earlier : Ryeowook is going to make him lose his goddamn mind eventually—he’s already doing it, and Jongwoon has no fucking clue how he’s supposed to handle it.

“Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook calls worryingly, unsettled by his boyfriend’s completely frozen state, in hopes of bringing him back down from his stupor.

Jongwoon blinks, and he spends another second just staring at Ryeowook before he finally snaps out of his trance, although the shock doesn’t subside completely. “You—” The man steps forward into the changing room with him, and he gently adjusts the collar of Ryeowook’s blazer; it’s not crooked by any means, but Jongwoon needs an excuse to touch him—to be close to him, even if the fear tearing him apart on the inside screams at him that this is a terrible mistake. “_Breathtakingly stunning_,” he finally manages to blurt out, and his hands trail down Ryeowook’s sides, pushing the blazer back to reveal more of Ryeowook’s exposed skin through the mesh. It’s like he’s discovering every curve of his boyfriend’s body all over again, and he feels Ryeowook shiver under his touch; and in a moment of what Jongwoon can only describe as pure madness, he pushes the boy back until his body collides with the wall behind him and immediately cages him with his arms either side of him.

Ryeowook looks up at him with wide doe eyes, and Jongwoon can’t help but make note that he looks the same way he had when they’d met; he’s giving him the same gaze filled with contradicting sinful innocence that convinced Jongwoon that he was something special, and that immediately drew the man to him, and it’s becoming clearer and clearer to him now why Ryeowook is fucking him up as much as he does.

“What the fuck are you doing to me, angel..?” Jongwoon breathes out, and as confused and afraid as he is, he can’t help the smile that creeps onto his face when he feels the intense shivers his words cause Ryeowook’s body to experience under his grip. “We can’t leave the store without buying this for you.”

“What..?” Ryeowook almost gasps, taken aback both by Jongwoon’s suggestion and his sudden shift in behaviour. “Jongwoon, I can’t—”

“You can, and you _will_ let me buy this for you,” Jongwoon insists, cutting Ryeowook off in his tracks by cupping his face with his hands and forcing the boy to look him dead in the eye. “You never let me spoil you. It took everything to convince you to let me pay for dinner when _I_ was the one taking you out, and you even argued with me over _movie tickets_ for the same reason.”

“I don’t want you to spend money on me,” Ryeowook responds, but he’s completely unassertive in his protest. The seriousness in Jongwoon’s eyes makes it nearly impossible to stand up against him. “I feel uncomfortable because I can’t reciprocate with my college student budget, and I don’t want you to feel like it’s one-sided.”

“Oh, angel…” Jongwoon sighs, and his heart drops in his chest when he witnesses Ryeowook’s features contort with guilt. He leans forward to press his lips against the boy’s forehead in an attempt to comfort him, and he moves his right hand to the back of Ryeowook’s head to gently massage the nape of his neck, something he’s learned by now works wonders to soothe Ryeowook’s nerves. “I don’t expect you to do that. If anything, I don’t _want_ you to.” Jongwoon pulls back to look at the boy again, and he smiles fondly at him. “I want to pamper and indulge you. I want to spoil my baby boy rotten and treat him like a little prince, but that wouldn’t work out if he does the same in return, would it ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t reply, but Jongwoon sees the resignation flash through the boy’s eyes and that’s enough of an answer for him. Satisfied, he gives his boyfriend a quick peck on the lips as a _‘thank you’_ before he steps back, finally freeing Ryeowook from his makeshift prison.

Jongwoon takes another full look at the way the clothes hug Ryeowook’s body perfectly, and how the transparency of the shirt allows him to see every mark he’s left on his skin the night before; from the hickeys that litter his upper chest and neck to the subtle imprints the rope left on his sides, and there he is again, fighting against the urge to go back in and absolutely _ruin_ him beyond fixing, to ravish him until Ryeowook is _crying_ and _begging_ him to stop, even though he knows he can’t—not now, not yet. Ryeowook’s not ready to see that darker side of him; he still has so much—_too_ much to learn before Jongwoon can show it to him, but it’s getting progressively harder and harder as time goes on for Jongwoon to hold back. He’s honestly never struggled this much before, but he doesn’t want to ponder over that any longer; he doesn’t want his doubts and fears to overcome him again, and especially not when Ryeowook is _right there_ looking straight at him with eyes full of trust and innocence that Jongwoon wants to preserve above all.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you in this outfit again,” Jongwoon winks at him, trying to lighten up his thoughts. “Even though I can’t promise I’ll let you wear it for very long this time.”

Ryeowook stays silent as the other retail employee they saw when they came in—the one who stared at them inappropriately being nowhere to be found—rings up their items, too busy zoning out thinking about too many things at once. He stills feels a bit unnerved that Jongwoon is spending a lot of money on him—who knew clothes could be _that fucking expensive_—but the man’s sort of ‘confession’ from earlier, for lack of a better term, makes it easier for him to accept it.

But he’s mostly reflecting over how Jongwoon truly is a man in a league of his own; he’s probably the first person Ryeowook meets who _sincerely_ enjoys giving without expecting anything in return, aside from himself, but there’s something about the way Jongwoon spoke earlier that tells Ryeowook his generosity doesn’t exactly stem from wholesome feelings. Then again, Jongwoon has this uncanny ability to make everything he says sound incredibly arousing and sexual, so Ryeowook can’t tell for sure; however, he wouldn’t put it past Jongwoon to get off of spoiling him rotten—the man seems to _really_ enjoy babying and taking care of him, but Ryeowook _definitely_ isn’t complaining. He absolutely abhors it when it comes from anybody else, especially his friends, but it’s so fucking _hot_ when Jongwoon does it that there’s absolutely no way Ryeowook’s ever going to ask him to stop.

The remainder of the afternoon is surprisingly uneventful; as horny as Jongwoon had made him earlier, Ryeowook was certain his boyfriend would just spend the day teasing him even further, but Jongwoon’s mood had completely shifted the minute they’d left the store. They’d spent the majority of the time enjoying coffee at the food court, exchanging about nothing and everything at once, and Ryeowook’s former guilt regarding the purchase completely vanishes by the end of the day upon witnessing just how genuinely pleased and happy Jongwoon has been the entire time.

They grab some food at a Thai place on their way home, feeling too lazy to cook, and they decide to enjoy their dinner in their pyjamas in front of the TV upon arriving at Jongwoon’s place, although neither of them is really paying attention to what’s going on on the screen. There’s a sort of serene, peaceful atmosphere that looms over their heads as they finish their meal; few words are exchanged between them, but they don’t really mind it—they’re just happy to have the other close, and in the end, it’s all that truly matters to them.

The mood takes a turn, however, when Ryeowook goes to clean up the leftover takeout boxes and utensils as a reflex the minute they’re done, because Jongwoon is apparently against this idea; as he sees the boy’s hand reach out to the dishes displayed on the coffee table in front of them, he’s quick to swat it away—he then grabs the boy’s wrist and uses it as leverage to pull Ryeowook toward him, startling the younger man in the process. Jongwoon chuckles at his reaction as he swiftly adjusts their positions to that Ryeowook is lying on top of him, his head resting against Jongwoon’s chest, and he has to admit defeat because Jongwoon’s embrace is too tight for him to fight against.

“Leave it be,” Jongwoon tells him in a whisper, and Ryeowook lets himself melt into his arms as comfortable silence settles between them once again.

The TV quickly becomes nothing but background noise for them, and soon enough, the warmth of Jongwoon’s body has Ryeowook growing sleepier.

“I think I’ll go back to school tomorrow,” Ryeowook mumbles into Jongwoon’s chest then, the thought of school immediately coming to mind when his drowsiness has him wondering what time it is, for some reason.

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure ? You already feel ready to go back ?”

Ryeowook nods slowly, but the way he holds Jongwoon tighter as he does so contradicts his answer. “It’s getting near the end of the term,” Ryeowook explains. “I can’t really afford to skip too many classes.”

Jongwoon hums, understanding the reasons behind Ryeowook’s decision despite the fact that he wishes the boy would’ve stayed home with him for the time being. At least he’ll come back home with him in the evening, Jongwoon consoles himself, but he can’t completely shake away the uneasy feeling that settles in his stomach at the thought of Ryeowook going back there and possibly putting himself in the line of danger once again.

“Alright,” Jongwoon concedes, and he starts stroking Ryeowook’s hair gently. “Just remember that I’m only a phone call away if anything happens, okay ?”

“I know,” Ryeowook smiles sheepishly—he stills feels shy about Jongwoon being so nice and attentive to him all the time. He doesn't think he’ll ever fully settle into it either, but he’s grateful. “Thank you. For always being there for me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“I know. But it means something to me,” Ryeowook replies almost instantly, and he props himself up on his arms to look Jongwoon in the eye.

The man slants his head to the side in a silent encouragement to keep going.

“I—” The boy feels blood rushing to his cheeks in embarrassment then, suddenly realizing the actual weight of his words, but he knows Jongwoon won’t let him drop the subject until he’s done talking, so he doesn’t stop. “I didn’t know I needed someone like you in my life until I met you. You always take such good care of me. I’ve never felt this comfortable around anyone before. You’re always there for me when I need it, and you make me feel like I matter, you know ? I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I—”

“God, you’re so cute,” Jongwoon coos, effectively cutting him off in his rambling, and he cups his face in his hands before he brings their lips together in a lazy but loving kiss, and Ryeowook realizes as his muscles instantly relax under Jongwoon’s embrace just how tense he’d been up until then. There’s a part of him that’s thankful for Jongwoon for doing that because he was about to say something he may have instantly regretted, and so he lets himself melt against the older man as he deepens the kiss, their lips moulding together as if they’re meant to just be one.

It’s with Jongwoon humming against the spot right below his ear that Ryeowook wakes up the next morning, and he thinks he won’t even get tired of starting his mornings like this; safe in Jongwoon’s arms, lulled awake by his warm, soothing and comforting voice, and his lips tickling his neck as he leaves a trail of kisses all the way down to his shoulder.

If there is a Heaven, this might as well be it, Ryeowook is sure of it.

“I almost considered letting you sleep in and spend another day with me,” Jongwoon admits as he bites his shoulder playfully. “I won’t oppose it if you change your mind, but if you still intend on going to school… it’s time to wake up, sweetheart.”

Ryeowook _does_ contemplate the idea of staying here with Jongwoon for another day, but he ultimately decides against it, as much as it pains him to do so. Grumbling something akin to disgruntled resignation, Ryeowook turns to the side so he can face Jongwoon, and he buries his face in the man’s chest as he waits for his brain to fully register that he’s awake and needs to get ready.

“I need to go take a shower,” Ryeowook laments; he really doesn’t want to get up now—he’s enjoying Jongwoon’s embrace a bit too much, and staying there in his arms sounds infinitely better than going to class right now. “… come with me ?”

Jongwoon’s hold on him tightens seemingly on its own as a response; Ryeowook’s adorableness has him completely melt into a puddle, as well as makes it impossible for him to refuse the boy anything. Jongwoon is, generally speaking, a _whipped_ man for his submissives, but Ryeowook hits him differently—he’s never felt an urge to protect someone as intense as it is for the boy, but contrary to everything else Ryeowook makes him feel, it’s something Jongwoon welcomes with open arms.

Ryeowook is _his baby. His little boy._ Jongwoon can’t help it. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“How are you feeling ?” It’s the first thing Jongwoon asks Ryeowook as they step into the shower, still worried about the boy going back somewhere Jongwoon knows now to be dangerous; Ryeowook visibly tenses up at the question—Jongwoon can see the muscles of his back contracting—as he’s now reminded that there’s a high chance of him coming face to face with Zhoumi again, and his stomach tangles into knots at the thought.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook lets out in a shaky breath, but he’s so on edge now that he gets startled and jumps in surprise when Jongwoon’s hands start gently massaging his scalp with shampoo. “I guess I’m nervous about potentially seeing him again.”

Jongwoon doesn’t stop his ministrations even for a second; he lets his hands travel down the nape of Ryeowook’s neck, drawing circles and applying pressure over every single tangled spot he finds on his way to Ryeowook’s shoulders, and the boy shivers under his touch.

Jongwoon chuckles in satisfaction; he fucking loves how responsive Ryeowook is to his touch, no matter the situation, and he decides he might as well use that to his advantage to try and calm the boy down and make his worries go away as much as possible.

As gentle as ever, Jongwoon starts washing Ryeowook’s back with a soft wash cloth, holding the boy in place with a hand wrapped around his chest protectively; soon enough, Ryeowook starts going lax against him, and the boy can’t keep his eyes open as his boyfriend’s touch puts him in a such a state of relaxation that he almost feels drowsy—so much so that Ryeowook doesn’t notice when Jongwoon moves on to his front and pulls him so close that his back rests completely flush against the man’s body, until his boyfriend’s hand wraps around his cock, taking him by surprise.

A drawn out moan escapes from Ryeowook’s lips, and the boy topples forward—he has to prop himself against the shower wall with one arm as the other grab’s Jongwoon’s own that is still wrapped around his middle, and his breath starts picking up as Jongwoon keeps stroking him and biting down on his neck. Still zoned out and out of touch with reality from Jongwoon’s earlier touches, Ryeowook doesn’t realize it right away when he cums all over the wall as well as Jongwoon’s hand; he’s only aware of the electric current that runs down his spine when his orgasm hits him like a truck, and he’s so spaced out even his own moans sound distant to him.

Without letting Ryeowook any time to come back to his senses, Jongwoon uses his clean hand to tilt the boy’s chin up and turn his head to the side, and he leans over the younger man’s shoulder to capture his lips in a deep, slow and tender kiss. Ryeowook’s body is overcome with chills again, and Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smile against his right before he breaks away.

Ryeowook remains in that state of pure bliss even as they step out of the shower, although the fog in his mind has subsided a bit by then; he still feels himself floating somewhere between reality and this dream-like state he can’t describe, but he’s a bit more aware of his surroundings, now.

It suddenly hits him as Jongwoon leads them back to his bedroom just how vulnerable and _small_ he feels at the moment, although it’s nowhere near as scary as he would’ve thought it to be. He has no idea what Jongwoon’s done to him, but he feels high and blissful, and although his touch with reality is barely there anymore, Ryeowook thinks it wouldn’t be that bad if he stayed like this forever, as long as Jongwoon is there with him.

It’s only when he sees Jongwoon pulling up in one of the visitor parking spaces outside of campus that Ryeowook snaps out of his trance-like state to let panic take its place instead; it feels like the world around him is spinning, and his mind is so jumbled up with anxiety that he can’t even focus enough to be able to unfasten his seatbelt. Thankfully for him, Jongwoon almost immediately notices that something’s up, and the man’s hands quickly find their spot on Ryeowook’s jaw, securing his head in place.

“_Breathe_,” Jongwoon orders him, holding Ryeowook’s head up so the boy has no choice but to look at him—Ryeowook does as he’s told, and the worried frown on Jongwoon’s face disappears once he feels the boy’s muscles relax and his breathing evens out. “It’s not too late to turn around and go back home if you’re not ready.”

Jongwoon looks at him expectantly, hoping the boy will just ask him to take him back home, but Ryeowook shakes his head. “No, no. I have to go. It’s just—”

“Do you want me to walk you to your first class ?” Ryeowook nods, but he knows it’s not a question even though Jongwoon made it sound like one. “Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you.” Jongwoon lets go of him then, and he unbuckles his seatbelt for him. His hand lingers for another second or two on Ryeowook’s upper thigh, giving it a light squeeze to let the boy know that he’s _right there_, and he steps out of the car; he then makes his way to the passenger side to open the door for Ryeowook, and he helps him out in his turn.

Jongwoon grabs Ryeowook’s bag sitting on the backseat for him and swings it over his shoulder before he leans down to leave a kiss on the boy’s forehead, effectively pushing Ryeowook’s anxiety away as the boy giggles shyly, and _fuck he’s so cute_ that Jongwoon has to fight the urge to just cradle him in his arms and litter his entire face with kisses right then and there.

“Do you mind if I stop and say hi to my friends on my way to class ?” Ryeowook then asks as he looks up at Jongwoon with that childlike wonder that could have the man believe the boy truly is innocent, even though it’s far from reality, and although Jongwoon internally grimaces when he remembers that Sungmin—most likely—hates him, he really doesn’t have it in him to refuse Ryeowook anything; especially not right now.

“Of course not,” he assures him, ruffling Ryeowook’s hair teasingly and causing the boy to pout as a result. “And please stop acting so cute. You have no idea what it’s doing to me.” _And you have no idea what it makes me want to do to you_, he should’ve added, but he decides at the last minute that it might not be the right time for that just yet.

Jongwoon clears his throat to chase his fantasies away before they become too much to handle, and he’s relieved that Ryeowook doesn’t seem to have picked up on the true meaning behind his words; the boy just looks bashful—which doesn’t help settle Jongwoon’s overworking mind at all—as he tends to easily become when he’s floating somewhere between consciousness and _subspace_, Jongwoon’s noticed.

Jongwoon isn’t exactly sure if Ryeowook is even aware that his current state of mind actually has a name and a meaning, but he figures he’ll explain it to him later. Now is not the time.

“Do you know where your friends might be ?” Jongwoon inquires, trying to shift the conversation somewhere else.

Ryeowook blinks, suddenly remembering where they are and what they came here to do. “Oh, hum, probably by the coffee stand right outside the main building,” he replies. “That’s usually where we hang out before one of us has to go to class.”

“Lead the way,” Jongwoon encourages, flashing him a playful smile.

It doesn’t take Ryeowook much time to spot his friends right where he said they would be once they arrive at their destination. They’re not exactly hard to miss, since Kyuhyun is about a head taller than the majority of students at their college; he tends to stick out like a sore thumb in most crowds, and Sungmin is generally not very far from him. They’re waiting in line to order something at the stand, facing away from them, but before Ryeowook can make a move toward them, Sungmin turns around to ask something to one of their other friends standing behind him—Saeun, Sungmin’s not-so-secret crush—and he spots them almost immediately.

Or, rather, he spots _Ryeowook_ right away, as the boy’s blonde hair is about as hard to miss as Kyuhyun is. He only realizes Jongwoon is there with him when he sees the boy turn to say something to him, and he frowns. _Why the hell is _**he**_ there with Ryeowook ?_

Ryeowook leaves Jongwoon behind as he makes his way toward his friends, and Sungmin elbows Kyuhyun to gain his attention and make him turn around.

“Wookie !” Saeun exclaims, engulfing the boy in a tight bear-hug. “I’m so glad to know you’re okay !”

“I didn’t expect you to come back today,” Sungmin states, his worry obvious in his voice, and he squints as he analyzes Ryeowook’s features carefully to make sure nothing is off about him. “Are you sure you’re gonna be fine ?”

Ryeowook nods, and Saeun finally lets go of him. “Yeah, I think so. Jongwoon said he’ll stay on standby to come pick me up again if anything happens,” he replies as he points to Jongwoon’s direction with a quick tilt of the chin.

“Oh, he’s there ? Why did you leave him to stand there by himself ?” Kyuhyun laughs, and Ryeowook shrugs, embarrassed.

“I don’t know.”

“_Aw_, Wookie is shy,” Kyuhyun coos as he pinches the boy’s cheeks, only to have his hands immediately swatted away by an irritated Ryeowook. “Call him over.”

Ryeowook peers over his shoulder to look at Jongwoon, but he finds that he’s too shy and embarrassed to follow Kyuhyun’s suggestion. Noticing this, Kyuhyun decides to take the matter into his own hands and wave at Jongwoon to come see them; Ryeowook tries to jump to lower his friend’s arm, but to no avail—screw their height difference, honestly—and he’s eventually forced to resign when Jongwoon walks up to them with a confused look on his face.

“Sup, man,” Kyuhyun greets him, extending his fist out to him expectantly. Jongwoon stares at it for a second, confounded, before he finally mirrors the man’s actions—he’s made a mental note when they had met two days ago that Kyuhyun was definitely an out-there character, but it seems he’s misjudged just how strange he actually is. He finds it quite amusing, however, if he has to be honest.

“Oh ! So _you’re_ Ryeowook’s boyfriend !” Saeun blurts out as she bows to him, unable to hide her excitement upon meeting the man Ryeowook never wants to shut up about. “I’m Saeun, nice to meet you.”

“Jongwoon,” Jongwoon nods to her, his arm reflexively wrapping itself around Ryeowook’s back to bring him closer to him—something no one seems to make note of, except Sungmin, who’d been glaring at Jongwoon this whole time.

“It’s our turn to order, guys,” Sungmin cuts them, disgruntled, bringing everyone’s attention back to the line.

Jongwoon looks down at Ryeowook as the boy eyes the menu displayed behind the barista, and he chuckles to himself. He knows exactly what Ryeowook is going to order, because it’s always the same in the end, no matter how long he can spend staring at the board pretending to weigh all the options, so he doesn’t even need to wait until Ryeowook calls out his order to step forward and order for the both of them, taking his boyfriend by surprise—it’s the first time Jongwoon does so without consulting him first, and Ryeowook feels like a thousand butterflies are flying in his stomach, because Jongwoon _remembers_.

Just as the barista is about to ring up their orders, Jongwoon turns to the others behind him. “What do you guys want ? It’s on me.”

“Jongwoon, no, you can’t do that,” Ryeowook protests in a whisper, not wanting the others to hear him.

Jongwoon smirks. “It’s cute that you think you can stop me,” he counters, voice low, and leans down to quickly kiss him before he turns his attention back to Ryeowook’s friends, who are staring at him in surprise.

“Wait, really ?” Saeun checks, and Jongwoon nods. “That’s so nice of you, wow. Thank you.”

Sungmin is the only one who remains silent as the two others call out their order without protest; there’s a part of him that’s annoyed at the fact that they both just welcomed a complete stranger like this with open arms, _especially_ given that he’s dating their close friend when they know nothing about him.

Jongwoon, noticing his silence, turns to him then. “What about you ?”

“I’ll pay for my own, thanks.” His reply comes out a lot dryer than he’d wanted to, and there’s a split second where he sees that same petrifying _coldness_ that he’d witnessed the other day flash through the man’s eyes before Jongwoon shrugs him off, unbothered, and turns back around to pay for everyone else’s orders without another word.

The couple doesn’t linger around Ryeowook’s friends for very long after they received their order, wanting to spend some time together just the two of them before they had to part ways for the day. There’s still some time left before the first classes of the day start, so the hallways are still rather empty for the most part as they make their way to Ryeowook’s lecture room on the other side of campus.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Ryeowook sighs in relief as they make a brief stop by the nearest bathroom to Ryeowook’s classroom to throw their now empty cardboard cups into the trash can. “You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I wanted to make sure that—”

“Oi, twink boy !” a voice calls from further down the hallway, and Ryeowook instantaneously flinches as a reflex when he recognizes who it belongs to. “This is the _men’s_ restroom, what the fuck were you doing in there ?”

Noticing the fear in Ryeowook’s eyes, Jongwoon is quick to put himself between the boy and whoever he assumes is talking to them, shielding the boy from view and turning his attention to the owner of the voice. He spots him soon enough; some lanky guy making their way toward them with what Jongwoon would describe as a _douchebag_ pep in his step, but the first thing he notices about the dude is how fucking tall he is, and he suddenly feels sick to his stomach that someone so big would stoop as low as attacking someone who looks half his size. He doesn’t know who the fuck this guy is, but judging by his demeanour, he has a pretty good guess by now.

“_Zhoumi_, stop,” the other guy walking next to him warns, trying to stop the taller one by grabbing onto his arm. “It’s not funny.”

“I don’t know, it’s pretty funny to me,” _Zhoumi_ mocks, staring up and down Jongwoon’s body with a grin that only has Jongwoon want to punch his teeth in—not that this is the only reason he’d do it, given that he now has confirmation on the guy’s identity. “Look at that. He’s even hired another fag as a bodyguard. Are you really that scared of me, _Ryeowookie_ ?”

“I’d stop right there if I were you,” Jongwoon warns him, angered beyond belief; but his voice comes out unsettlingly flat, and his eyes appear completely expressionless, like one of those creepy dolls that always seem to stare at you wherever you go, as if waiting for the right moment to jump on you and deliver a fate worse than death—the guy next to Zhoumi nearly loses his balance as he backs away, but the taller one doesn’t move.

“Jongwoon, leave it be,” Ryeowook pleads in a small voice, clinging onto the back of Jongwoon’s jean jacket to seek comfort. “Don’t stoop to his level, he’s not worth it.”

“Like someone like him could even do anything to me,” Zhoumi laughs at Ryeowook’s words, but it’s clear in the way his voice shakes that he’s lost his former confidence—he’s unable to look away from Jongwoon’s unnerving gaze, as if an invisible force prevented him from moving. “He couldn’t even hurt a little girl.”

Unexpectedly, Zhoumi’s words make Jongwoon smirk; he’s fucking _fuming_, but Ryeowook’s right. He’s not worth stooping down to his level. He’s worth so, so much _worse_. “Yeah, because I’ll never be near pathetic enough to take down someone half my size,” Jongwoon snickers, but his eyes burn incredibly cold, and his sudden shift in attitude is enough to catch Zhoumi off guard for a moment. “I won’t have any reservations when it comes to you.” Zhoumi goes to say something, but Jongwoon cuts him off before he can even open his mouth. “Hopefully, you make the right decision and we won’t have to come to that. I’m being nice to you right now. Don’t make me take back my clemency.”

“Zhoumi, you should listen to him,” his friend advises, but Zhoumi brushes him off once again.

“Like hell I will,” he spits, trying to make himself appear more threatening, but Jongwoon doesn’t even flinch. “I don’t know what that little goblin twink is to you, but trust me, he deserves worse than to be rustled up and shoved against a wall.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

No one sees it coming when Jongwoon grabs Zhoumi by the collar and pushes him into the bathroom’s swing door; it happens so quickly, in fact, that by the time anyone is able to react, Jongwoon’s already disappeared inside with the taller man—horrified, Ryeowook tries to go after his boyfriend, but he’s stopped by Henry—Zhoumi’s ‘friend’, although Ryeowook would rather describe their relationship as Henry being stuck with Zhoumi rather than it being a mutual friendship—who grabs him by the arm and pulls him back, away from the door.

“Henry, what the—”

“I know,” Henry shakes his head. “Look, I don’t condone violence either, but I told him a hundred million times that if he kept acting like an asshole, he’d get his ass handed to him. He asked for it. Let it be a lesson for him.”

“Jongwoon’s gonna get into trouble,” Ryeowook counters.

Henry smirks at him. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he doesn’t.”

Zhoumi struggles not to whine in pain as he falls flat on his ass on the cold tile floor; the back of his head hurts like a bitch, too, after it collided with the door when Jongwoon pushed him through it, and he glares at the man standing in front of him in disbelief.

“What the fuck, man ?!”

Jongwoon doesn’t say anything as he walks up to his side and squats down next to him, and the pure contempt and disdain in the older man’s eyes as he looks down on him is enough to make Zhoumi feel like he’s become nothing but an ant. Noting that Jongwoon doesn’t take any action beyond that, Zhoumi attempts to get back on his feet, only for the man to pull on his leg again so he stays lying down.

“Don’t think you can walk away from me that easily before we’re done talking,” Jongwoon says, and Zhoumi swears he can see the flames of anger raging around Jongwoon’s body for a moment—the dark aura coming from the man is suffocating, but what is truly terrifying about it all is how calm Jongwoon’s appeared this entire time, and Zhoumi is convinced that the man standing before him now doesn’t know _fear_.

“Fuck you, man,” Zhoumi curses, but it only seems to amuse Jongwoon, if the chuckle he gives as a reaction is anything to go by.

“Consider this your last warning,” Jongwoon speaks. “If you ever do so much as look at Ryeowook ever again, _trust me_, you’ll have more things to get fixed than your fragile little ego.”

“As if I’m scared of a fag.”

Jongwoon snorts. “I’ve had men bigger than you crawling on the floor before,” he spits, “but in your case… I don’t think you’ll enjoy it.”

There’s a sharp, audible sound that rings into Zhoumi’s ears as Jongwoon’s fist connects with his nose, and he can do nothing but curl in pain on the floor as he brings his hands to his face; his fingers immediately get covered in blood, and Jongwoon looks on for a second, emotionless, before he stands up again.

“I’ll report you for this,” Zhoumi hisses, his words muffled and lacking in confidence, and Jongwoon laughs.

“And what are you gonna tell people, huh ? That you got beaten up by a—how did you say it again..? Ah, yes. A _faggot_ ?”

Zhoumi looks up at him, utterly mortified by what he’s just said; and as realization dawns on him, Jongwoon leaves him behind, lying on the ground with a broken nose and his shattered pride as sole company.

“_Jongwoon_,” Ryeowook sighs in relief, although he means to sound _scolding_; but seeing his boyfriend come out in one piece and uninjured is enough to make him forget about Zhoumi for a second. The boy walks up to him and practically throws himself in his arms—really, he means to be angry, but he’s so shaken up by everything that seeking comfort in Jongwoon’s arms is stronger than him.

Jongwoon welcomes the boy’s embrace contentedly, and it feels as though his mind comes back crashing down to Earth. He feels lightheaded for a moment, as if all his energy had been sucked out of him all at once, and he has to deliver a mental slap to himself as he almost loses his footing. He returns Ryeowook’s affection by wrapping an arm around his shoulders, and he buries his nose in the boy’s hair at the top of his head before turning his attention to Henry, who’s looking at him with wide eyes and a confused expression.

“You should probably go see your friend,” Jongwoon tells him flatly. “I think he’ll need to pay a visit to the infirmary.”

Henry nods, not daring to even speak a word to the man, and he disappears inside the bathroom to come to Zhoumi’s help—Ryeowook hears the latter curse at Henry to _‘fucking move his ass and do something’_ as the door closes by itself, and he breaks away from Jongwoon. He glances up at him, frowning in disapprovement, but mostly in concern; _what the hell happened in there ?_

“Jongwoon… what did you do ?” Ryeowook questions, his voice coming out barely above a whisper—it’s as if he were scared of the answer, even though he had an idea of what it would be.

Jongwoon’s face falls, and guilt creeps up on him when he sees how disappointed Ryeowook appears to be; he knew from the very beginning that he was making a huge mistake, but his instinct to protect Ryeowook were so strong that he’d just _snapped_—but now he wishes he’d kept his anger in check, because having Ryeowook be mad at him is worse than letting Zhoumi go with just a warning.

“I—I’m sorry,” he apologizes, knowing giving Ryeowook the details of what went down wouldn’t change anything.

“Jongwoon,” Ryeowook calls again, more sternly this time. “I appreciate the fact that you want to protect me, but I can’t support you beating people up for me. Yeah, Zhoumi is a dick, but this is just… taking it too far.”

Jongwoon sighs sadly, but he knows Ryeowook is right. He understands that he’s allowed to be mad at him for it, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt him to the core; he’s so fucking upset and mad at himself that he just wants to disappear forever.

Jongwoon reaches out to Ryeowook again to try and apologize further, but the boy rejects his advances; he takes a step back, and Jongwoon is absolutely crushed—it’s visible on his face, but he doesn’t pry. He gets it.

“I have to go,” Ryeowook announces, and he almost sounds like he’s holding back tears. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Y—yeah,” Jongwoon stutters. “See you tonight.”

Jongwoon doesn’t remember the last time he’s been so fidgety and stressed over something; but as he watches the horde of students funneling through the many exits of the college campus, he has to stop himself from banging his head against the steering wheel more times than he’d like to admit.

He doesn’t even want to get out of his car to wait for Ryeowook as he usually does; he doesn’t want to face Ryeowook’s disappointed eyes and have the boy reject his touch again. To say he’d been beating himself up over it all day would be putting it lightly—Jongwoon rarely feels guilty about his actions, because in the great majority of cases, they’re meticulously calculated; but when he does, it quite literally _haunts_ him for a long, long time. His breakup with Hyukjae is a prime example of it, but he chases that thought away as soon as it pops into his mind, because he’s not about to purposely make himself feel worse than he already does.

Jongwoon is so caught up in his sulking that he misses it completely when Ryeowook walks up to his car; he’s only brought back to reality when he hears tapping on the passenger side window—startled would be the better word, given how much he fumbles to unlock the door for him as a result—and he looks at the boy intently as he climbs into the car, waiting for him to say something, anything, but nothing comes. Ryeowook doesn’t even look at him, opting to look out the window instead, and Jongwoon freezes for a moment as he reflects over whether or not he should try to start a conversation or not.

He ultimately figures out that maybe it would be best to wait a bit longer and see if Ryeowook would eventually talk to him on their way home; he doesn’t want to aggravate the boy any more by saying something completely out of place on accident. He’s never seen Ryeowook mad before—he has no idea how he’ll react to any attempt at an apology Jongwoon might throw at him, so he’d rather wait.

Or so he thinks, but the heavy, endless silence that looms over them and weighs on their shoulders is driving Jongwoon absolutely insane about halfway through the ride, and it’s starting to show; his grip on the steering wheel feels tight enough to crush the thing, his driving becomes reckless, and he’s so distracted by it he almost burns a red light at an intersection—and it’s Ryeowook’s lack of reaction even there that drives him over the edge.

“Will you please talk to me ?” Jongwoon pleads in a shaky breath. “Curse me, get mad, scream at me. Tell me how much I fucked up and scold me for it—I can take it. I’ll take anything you throw at me, but this silence… _I can’t fucking stand it_.”

There’s some hesitation on Ryeowook’s part for a moment, but his attention is fully turned on Jongwoon now. “I don’t know what else there is to say about this,” he eventually mumbles out as he stares at his hands resting on his lap. “I just… I feel bad about the whole thing.”

“I know,” Jongwoon acknowledges, but he can’t help the sigh of relief and the bittersweet little smile that creeps onto his lips at Ryeowook’s response; finally, _finally_ this awful silence is no longer, and Jongwoon feels like he can breathe again. “I don’t feel good about it either. Honestly. I… I lost my mind back there, and I didn’t think about how much it would upset you. I’m sorry about that. I truly, sincerely am.”

“I know I’m supposed to be mad at you,” Ryeowook continues, “but there’s a part of me that sort of feels… thankful ? I still don’t agree with what you did, but… you’re the first person who stands up for me like that.” The boy lets out a little laugh to shake away the last of the awkwardness he feels about the conversation, and he can’t suppress the shy little smile that appears on his face. Jongwoon catches it from the corner of his eye, and he smiles brighter in return. “But please don’t do it again. I won’t forgive you this time.”

Ryeowook doesn’t know why—maybe it’s the tension that’s suddenly being lifted, or the way he thinks Jongwoon could probably get away with anything because he’s just got that effect on Ryeowook—but he starts chuckling; not very loudly, but enough to be contagious and dragging Jongwoon down with him.

Jongwoon reaches over to Ryeowook’s side and lets it rest on the boy’s upper thigh, and he gently starts rubbing his thumb in little circles as he puts his entire focus back on the road; this time, the silence is appeasing, and Jongwoon no longer feels like jumping out of the car as he previously had.

“I can’t believe our first fight was about you beating up a homophobe,” Ryeowook brings up suddenly. “It doesn’t sound like something either of us should get mad at.”

Jongwoon surprises himself then, because he thinks that despite the fact that it shouldn’t be something to feel good about, there’s something weirdly heartwarming about Ryeowook calling it _their first fight_; he doesn’t wish for another one to happen ever again, but it makes Jongwoon feel like they truly are a couple now—they’re together, in an exclusive, romantic relationship. They’re _real_. And he finds that he really, really likes that.

“I can’t believe we got takeout again,” Ryeowook grumbles as he puts the now empty box of noodles with the rest of their order in the take out bag sitting on the coffee table. “I could’ve cooked, you know.” He’s about to take the bag full of trash back to the kitchen so he can dispose of it, but once again, Jongwoon seems to have a problem with him cleaning up after them, and he’s suddenly being pulled back onto the man’s thigh, and Jongwoon’s arms tightly wrap around his middle, locking him in place. “_Jongwoon._” Ryeowook tries to scold him, but the man is too busy humming in content into the crook of his neck to pay attention to him. Not that Ryeowook had sounded assertive in the slightest in the first place.

The boy turns to the side so he can look at Jongwoon, and the man uses it as an opportunity to take it a step further and planting him in his lap so that they’re now facing each other, and he immediately buries his face back in its initial spot, officially forcing Ryeowook to admit defeat, although it doesn’t stop him from rolling his eyes at his boyfriend’s clinginess.

“Can I at least clean up the trash before you—”

“_No._” Sharp, direct, commanding. That’s the only answer he gets from Jongwoon then, and it’s enough for Ryeowook to stop in his tracks. “I already told you, this can wait,” he adds after a moment of silence, softer this time. “I wanna make it up to you. For what I did today.”

Jongwoon pulls away to look him in the eye, and the seriousness in Jongwoon’s dark irises make Ryeowook shiver in his hold. “You don’t need to,” Ryeowook assures him, and he wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s neck to better support himself.

“I know. But I don’t want you to think what you saw today is who I am.” Jongwoon reaches up to gently rub the boy’s cheek, and he smiles fondly at him when Ryeowook immediately melts into his touch.

“Punching people aside…” Ryeowook begins as he sinks down further into Jongwoon’s lap on purpose. “... it’s kind of hot when you get mad.”

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow, and he smirks. “Is that so ?” he feigns surprise, and he slowly moves on to trail his thumb along the curve of the boy’s lips. “Is that why you’ve been acting like such a little brat with me lately, hm ? Are you trying to rile me up, angel ?”

Ryeowook hums, pretending to think about his answer. “Maybe.”

“I already told you to be careful about that, baby boy, or I might lose what little I have left of my control on you.”

Ryeowook shivers once again, and Jongwoon’s eyes darken when they watch the glimmer of mischief flash through the boy’s; the man trails his hand downwards again to wrap his fingers lightly around the side of his boyfriend’s neck, and he starts stroking Ryeowook’s Adam’s apple with extreme delicacy.

He feels Ryeowook swallow back the knot in his throat against his thumb, and he smirks darkly, so many ideas of what he could do to him right now flashing through his mind. “What if I want you to ?”

Jongwoon stops moving then, and his hand subconsciously tightens around the boy’s throat at his words; he can feel his cock twitch inside his dark jeans, and he’s certain Ryeowook could feel it against the curve of his ass as well. Jongwoon then goes back to staring into the boy’s eyes, but his own shift to something much more sinister than it had ever been before. It’s nothing Ryeowook is familiar with. It’s not the dark, teasing gleam he’d grown accustomed to. No, this feels much, much _colder_, and while he thinks he’s never experienced something so fucking hot before, there’s a part of him that’s absolutely _terrified_ of it. And fuck him, because Ryeowook is convinced this is the reason he’s so fucking affected by it in the first place.

He lets out a whine despite him, and his cock is starting to grow painfully hard in his pants, now.

“Unfortunately for you,” Jongwoon whispers, his lips mere centimetres away from Ryeowook’s now, “it’s gonna take more than that for it to happen.” Jongwoon squeezes his hand around Ryeowook’s throat just enough for the boy to get a feel of it, but he lets go the minute he hears the boy moan, depriving him of what Jongwoon knows he wants; Ryeowook whines in protest, but Jongwoon is quick to shush him. “No no, baby. Remember the rules ?”

Ryeowook looks at him through half-lidded eyes; he remembers the rules, yes, but he doesn’t know which one Jongwoon is referring to.

“What do you have to do to get your reward ?” Jongwoon helps him, talking to him as though he’s teaching something to a child, and for some reason Ryeowook fucking loves that.

“Be a good boy,” Ryeowook mumbles back, suddenly feeling ashamed because he knows he’s been bad.

“That’s right,” Jongwoon confirms, and he uses the arm still holding Ryeowook by the middle to pull him even closer while he sneaks his free hand under the hem of Ryeowook’s shirt to brush against the boy’s skin. “Will you be a good little boy for me now ?”

Ryeowook nods immediately—suddenly the idea of pushing Jongwoon’s buttons is thrown out the window. He feels so small and helpless right now that he can’t think of anything but _submit_, and to let Jongwoon take care of him the way the man thinks is best. “What do I have to do ?”

Jongwoon smirks. _He learns so fast._ “I’m thinking of playing a little game of self-control, since you seem to believe you’re able to break me so effortlessly,” Jongwoon hums as he’s sucking on Ryeowook’s throat, and he swiftly unbuttons the boy’s jeans with one hand. “I’m gonna make you sit on my cock,” he continues, his hand trailing down even more, snaking under the boy’s jeans to stroke him over his boxers, “but you won’t be allowed to move by a single inch. You won’t be allowed to touch me, either—you’ll have to keep your hands to yourself, and if I hear a single little sound of protest from you, it’s all over.” Jongwoon chuckles in amusement when he feels a wet patch forming under his touch then, and he playfully bites down on the side of Ryeowook’s neck. “If you manage to do all of that, I’ll give you anything you want; you’ll just have to ask. Sounds fair ?”

It takes a moment for Ryeowook to respond, too distracted by the hand rubbing on his crotch, but he eventually manages to nod in approval against Jongwoon’s shoulder. “Yeah.”

To prove that he’s willing to commit to the rules, Ryeowook pulls away from Jongwoon—albeit reluctantly—and sits up straight on the man’s lap, crossing his hands behind his back as a final touch; the pride in Jongwoon’s eyes is enough to make him blush and momentarily forget about the hand palming him through his underwear until Jongwoon cuts contact abruptly. A whine almost escapes the boy, but he catches himself at the last minute, remembering the rule Jongwoon’s just set for him. He wants that reward; he knows exactly what he’s going to request from Jongwoon, and he’s set on getting it.

Jongwoon brings their lips together in a heated kiss, and he tugs at the waistband of Ryeowook’s pants to force it down and free the boy’s ass from it, although it quickly gets stuck in between their two bodies; the strain of the stiff fabric on Ryeowook’s legs is uncomfortable, and Jongwoon lets out a frustrated groan into the kiss—he’s impatient, his mind spinning a mile a second, and he just wants to be inside of Ryeowook already.

Jongwoon almost angrily breaks away to pull the boy up and make him stand on the ground between his thighs, and he practically yanks Ryeowook’s underwear down along with his pants in hurry; the younger man whimpers, aroused beyond belief by his boyfriend’s eager aggressiveness, and he steps out of his pants barely a second after they hit the floor. Jongwoon roughly pulls the boy toward him by the waist, and Ryeowook yelps in surprise when he’s forced down on his boyfriend’s lap without warning.

The sound seems to snap Jongwoon out of his overzealous aggressive fit, and he looks up at the boy, searching for any sign of discomfort. When he finds none, he reaches up to capture Ryeowook’s lips again, and he wraps his hand around the boy’s painfully hard cock to rub circles at the tip with his thumb, but the pace is so excruciatingly slow that it just makes his arousal even more agonizing for Ryeowook to bear.

Struggling not to thrust into Jongwoon’s hand in search for more friction, Ryeowook accidentally bites down on Jongwoon’s lower lip, causing the man to growl and buck his hips up against the boy’s ass—Jongwoon then pulls away to stare at Ryeowook, almost glaring at him with hungry, predatory eyes that have Ryeowook feeling as though he’s shrinking in Jongwoon’s lap, and the boy looks away submissively. It makes Jongwoon go absolutely crazy.

_So much for proving he’s got more self-control than Ryeowook_, he thinks, because he doesn’t intend on dragging this much longer now; it’s time to start the real game, he decides, and he reaches out to his side to open the drawer of the side table next to him, blindly fiddling around under Ryeowook’s questioning eyes, and he finally pulls out a small bottle of lube from the drawer after a few seconds.

“You have lube in there ?” Ryeowook questions shyly.

Jongwoon looks at him as though Ryeowook’s just told him the most adorable thing in the world, and he nearly coos. “Oh, angel. You really thought we were gonna be able to make it to the bedroom every single time ?” The man brings his free hand up to cup Ryeowook’s cheek, and the boy nuzzles into his touch as a reflex. “You’re still so innocent, baby. _Fuck_. Why are you so perfect ?”

Ryeowook’s entire body feels like it’s on fire, and he can feel his cock leaking precum all over his inner thighs, and his grip on his own wrists tightens behind him. He needs Jongwoon inside of him, now, but all he can muster is a shaky, pleading moan for the man to please _do something_, to please _touch him_, and he’s so goddamn desperate that he shivers in excitement once he hears the clicking of Jongwoon’s belt being untied, and he looks down at the man’s crotch eagerly as he frees his cock from his pants and underwear. Fuck, he wants it so badly; his mouth salivates at the thought of sucking him off, of having his cock abusing his throat raw until it hurts, but his fantasies are cut short when he hears the lube bottle cap being popped open.

“You’ve been doing so good so far,” Jongwoon praises him, stroking Ryeowook’s hair back before he brings his hand back down in between them. Ryeowook watches gingerly as Jongwoon covers his right hand fingers with lube, and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from moaning in impatience.

Jongwoon discards the bottle to the side, and he reaches down the middle to hook his wrist under Ryeowook’s perineum; as though Jongwoon has Ryeowook’s body memorized down to the smallest little detail, it takes him no time at all to find the boy’s eager hole, and Jongwoon can feel it clenching around nothing when pushes his middle and ring finger against it, and he smirks.

“I barely even touched you and you’re so needy for me already,” Jongwoon chuckles darkly, and he finally moves his middle finger past the tight ring of muscle that had just been begging for him this whole time; Ryeowook chokes back a moan, and Jongwoon circles his finger around inside him to stretch him a bit more before adding a second one in shortly after. The intrusion is sudden and slightly uncomfortable, but Ryeowook honestly doesn’t give a shit at this point—he just wants Jongwoon inside of him, and he’d be willing to take him raw if it weren’t for the man’s actual size.

Jongwoon curls his fingers in his direction, and Ryeowook can’t manage to keep quiet this time as the man just presses more and more against his prostate, and Jongwoon watches on with lustful eyes as another bead of precum leaks from the boy’s swollen cock onto his own. Ryeowook nearly topples forward on top of Jongwoon, and fuck, it’s getting hard to keep his hands behind him—he wants to grab onto him, to ground himself by wrapping his arms around him, but he knows he can’t, and it’s fucking_ torture_.

The boy hears Jongwoon chuckle once more, and the next thing he knows, there’s another finger inside of him, scissoring him open as he keeps abusing his prostate, and the sounds he’s making reverberate inside Jongwoon’s mind like a beautiful symphony. The man leans forward then and re-attaches his lips to Ryeowook’s neck as he continues to stretch the boy open for a good minute, and Ryeowook’s about to fucking lose it.

Jongwoon withdraws his fingers without warning, and Ryeowook momentarily forgets that he’s not supposed to do that when he moans in discontent at the sudden emptiness; but Jongwoon hasn’t, and he’s not going to let this one slip—Ryeowook should know by now that he’s meant to _obey_, and the man thinks it’s time to stop being so lenient on him all the time. He grabs Ryeowook by the jaw with his clean hand to force the boy to look at him, and he frowns at him, looking clearly displeased. “What did I tell you ?”

Ryeowook inhales sharply. Jongwoon’s grip on him is on the verge of being painful. “I’m sorry,” he almost cries. “I didn’t mean it. I’m really sorry, I—”

Jongwoon sighs in frustration as he’s letting go of the boy’s face, but he says nothing. Ryeowook can only look on as the man coats his cock with a copious amount of lube, and he wonders what’s going to happen to him now. Jongwoon lifts the boy up above him, and Ryeowook doesn’t have time to realize what’s happening before the man thrusts up into him, and there’s a split second where he can no longer breathe as he relishes in the feeling of being full again. “I was planning on going easy on you,” Jongwoon admits in a groan, and he wraps his arms around the boy as tightly as he can to keep him locked in place, “but it looks like _daddy’s_ gonna have to play with his little boy a little bit longer until he learns the rules properly.”

Jongwoon doesn’t even have time to realize what he’s just said despite him before Ryeowook starts to forcefully clench down on him; the boy is shaking, too, because _holy shit_, yes, he’s so fucking into that that he can no longer control how his body decides to react. Jongwoon hadn’t intended to bring this part of him up to Ryeowook just yet, but judging from the boy’s reaction, he now regrets not doing it sooner, because fuck, Ryeowook is squeezing him so tightly inside of him that Jongwoon thinks he might cum if this goes on.

Taking a deep breath to collect himself, Jongwoon slips his hands under Ryeowook’s shirt, lifting it up slowly as he takes his time exploring every inch of the boy’s skin; once he reaches his chest, Jongwoon gives Ryeowook an expectant look, and the boy lifts his arms up as a response so the man can take it off completely and discard it on the couch next to him.

But Jongwoon doesn’t move. He doesn’t, and with his cock his pushing hard against Ryeowook’s prostate, it doesn’t take much time for the boy to grow antsy; his cock is begging to be touched, and he needs Jongwoon to fucking do something before the strain of having his prostate constantly stimulated brings him to tears—although he’s not that far from getting there, seeing how many pleading cries he’s forced to choke back are coming his way already, but all Jongwoon fucking does is stare at him with burning lust in his dark eyes, and Ryeowook’s about to snap.

“What is it, baby ?” Jongwoon asks, and he sounds so _condescending_ there that Ryeowook nearly loses all hope of getting any form of relief at all from this—he has no fucking idea why he’s enjoying all of this, being tortured and belittled like that, and he wants to curse Jongwoon for making it so fucking arousing because no matter how much it hurts, there isn’t even a single part of him that wants to ask the man to stop. “Tell me. You can use your words, it’s not forbidden,” the man then adds, but his tone is more fond and caring this time.

“_It hurts_,” Ryeowook sobs as he looks down at his cock that’s still leaking all over them both, and Jongwoon reaches up to him to start stroking his hair.

“Your little cock hurts ?” Jongwoon checks, and Ryeowook nods. “Do you want daddy to touch you ?” Ryeowook clenches down on him once more at the name, and he nods again fervently. Jongwoon hums, thinking it over for a second.

“_Please_,” Ryeowook adds, and he sounds so fucking desperate Jongwoon decides he might as well give it to him before the boy completely breaks.

Wrapping an arm around Ryeowook’s lower back to secure him, Jongwoon slowly slips his other in between them to curl his fingers around the boy’s oversensitive cock, and starts to stroke him lazily as he leans forward to take one of Ryeowook’s nipples in his mouth and gently sucks on it, catching his boyfriend off guard. Ryeowook holds his breath, hoping it would help him focus on his task at hand—_staying still_—more easily, but his efforts are crushed once Jongwoon decides to lightly nibble at his skin; the moan that escapes him almost sounds like a sob, and it’s so, _so_ fucking hard not to move, not to start grinding down on Jongwoon’s cock that’s still buried so deep inside of him, not to hang on to the man to support himself because he feels so lightheaded he thinks he’s about to fall off.

Jongwoon moves his lips up to suck at his collarbone, on the spot right above his frantically beating heart, and uses his thumb to circle around the tip of Ryeowook’s cock, smearing precum all over it; the man’s hand feels so wet and sticky from the nearly ridiculous amount Ryeowook’s been leaking since the beginning, but it’s not like he’s going to complain—his little baby is so responsive to him, and it drives him wild.

“D—_daddy_,” Ryeowook whimpers almost timidly, and Jongwoon’s cock starts twitching uncontrollably against the boy’s prostate just then—_did he really just.._? “Daddy, please,” Ryeowook pleads again, sounding more assured this time, “I—”

The boy is unable to finish his sentence, cut off in his tracks when he hears Jongwoon growl against his skin as a way to ground himself so he doesn’t buck his hips into the boy’s, and an overwhelming wave of pleasure hits him and sends chills down his spine that have him shaking in Jongwoon’s arms, and this is it; he’s going to cum, _finally_, and his eyes almost water at the thought. He’s so close—he feels a familiar tug at the pit of his stomach, and Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smile against his chest before the man slides his hand all the way down to squeeze the base of his cock as tightly as he can without making it painful.

Ryeowook wants to cry once he realizes what’s happening; Jongwoon’s just denied him of his orgasm at the last second, and it’s so fucking painful that he’s not aware of his upper body completely giving up on him until he collapses on top of Jongwoon. There’s a strained sob that escapes him once the man lets go of his pulsing cock, and it’s only when he feels his boyfriend pulling him up to cradle him against his chest that Ryeowook regains enough consciousness to understand what’s happening; he’s broken the rules again.

Jongwoon doesn’t comment on it, though, and there’s a split second where Ryeowook panics, because he thinks Jongwoon’s silence means he’s failed him, and—

“Colour ?” Jongwoon murmurs softly next to his ear, and Ryeowook’s brain doesn’t want to cooperate with him to give him an answer for a good half minute. “Baby ?”

“... _yellow ?_” the boy tries out, unsure, and he clings onto Jongwoon’s shirt for dear life, as though he’s scared he’s going to leave him then. But Jongwoon doesn’t—of course he doesn’t.

The man nuzzles into his neck lovingly and holds him tighter, waiting until Ryeowook stops shaking so much to pull away, just enough to cup the boy’s face into his hands so he can carefully analyze the boy’s features and expression. Ryeowook looks completely spent, dazed and a bit disoriented, but Jongwoon can’t find any discernible sign of pain or discomfort; he sighs in relief at that, but the concern in his eyes doesn’t waver.

“Are you okay ?”

Ryeowook stares at him through half-lidded, glossy eyes, and nods slowly as he hums an affirmative answer, but Jongwoon’s not convinced.

“Can you tell me what happened ?” Ryeowook frowns as though he doesn’t understand what Jongwoon is saying. “I want to know what made you call out the safeword,” the man explains, voice soft and full of care. “So I can be more careful not to push you this far in the future.”

Ryeowook’s heartbeat picks up once again as doubt and guilt creeps up on him, and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to tell Jongwoon what happened without crying.

“I—” he starts hesitantly, voice trembling and small, and he looks down in shame. “I’m so scared I… _disappointed you_.”

Jongwoon blinks, utterly confused by Ryeowook’s words. “Disappointed me ?” he repeats, and his heart starts to feel heavy in his chest because the boy—_his_ boy, _his_ little baby—looks so broken now, and he can’t help but think he must’ve fucked up really horribly right then.

“I… I really tried to be good for you,” Ryeowook sniffles, and Jongwoon is absolutely shattered when he watches the boy’s small, trembling hands reach up to grab his shirt again. “But I wasn’t able to in the end, and I just…”

Ryeowook isn’t able to finish his sentence as he chokes on a sob, but Jongwoon understands. With extreme delicacy, the man tilts the boy’s chin up so he can look at him again. “Is that why you called the safeword ? Because you felt guilty for breaking ?”

Ryeowook nods, and Jongwoon reaches up for him again to wipe away the tears threatening to fall from the corner of his eyes with utmost care. “It wasn’t anything you did. I’m sorry I couldn’t take it. I really tried—”

“I know,” Jongwoon assures him, and gives him a bittersweet little smile to try and cheer him up. “And you did so well, baby.”

Ryeowook’s eyes widen in surprise. “I did ?”

“You really did,” Jongwoon nods, and he smiles at him again. “I’m so glad you told me to stop even if you felt guilty. I know it must’ve been so hard for you to do that. You’re such a strong boy, you know that ?”

“Is… is daddy proud of me..?”

“Oh, baby,” Jongwoon coos, and his stomach fills up with butterflies at the name. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of Ryeowook calling him that. “Daddy is so, so proud of you.”

Jongwoon pulls him into a gentle, tender kiss that the boy wastes no time in reciprocating; he’s so relieved that the man isn’t mad at him and that he’s proud of him, but most importantly that Jongwoon still thinks of him as his good boy and not some insufferable burden he’s stuck with, and if Ryeowook hadn’t been sure about his feelings until then, there was no possible way he could deny his wild, all-encompassing love for the man anymore.

Ryeowook is so caught up by his intense feelings that he’s almost forgotten that the man is still buried deep inside of him, and still as hard as ever, until he tries to lean further into the kiss and he feels the tip of Jongwoon’s cock brush against his prostate; he’s forced to break their heated exchange to collect himself, because he’s still so fucking sensitive that just this simple thing has him shaking again, and Jongwoon chuckles softly once he realizes what’s happening.

“Do you want to cum, baby ? You can go ahead. It’s okay.”

Ryeowook looks down at his own cock, standing straight, angry, red and swollen, then back at Jongwoon before he shakes his head from side to side. “I wanna cum with you,” Ryeowook affirms, and Jongwoon can only stare at the boy in absolute awe for a moment as he questions himself on whether he’s heard it right or not.

“Are you sure ?” Ryeowook bites down on his lower lip and nods. “Alright, if you say so. But if it gets too much for you, it’s okay if you can’t last longer. I’ll give you permission if you cum before I tell you to, this time.”

Ryeowook smiles brightly at him then, and he’s quick to reconnect their lips together; Jongwoon’s hands reflexively grab onto the boy’s waist once he starts grinding down on him, and the man sets the pace to a slower, deeper one as he guides Ryeowook’s hips up and down his cock.

“So eager,” Jongwoon laughs in between kisses when he hears Ryeowook groan in frustration at the man’s refusal to set a faster pace, and he momentarily lets go of the boy to finally pull his pants all the way down to his ankles, kicking them off sloppily as Ryeowook helps him get rid of his shirt.

Once he’s finally in the same state of undress as Ryeowook has been for a long time by now, Jongwoon goes back to kissing the boy, but this time around, the man allows the for the embrace to escalate, and soon enough he’s meeting Ryeowook’s hips halfway; it doesn’t take long for the younger man to grow into a moaning, needy mess, and even though he tries his best to hold on, he’s brought close to the edge faster than he’d wished.

Jongwoon feels Ryeowook’s hole tighten around him, and it’s clenching down on him so hard it almost makes it difficult for him to move, and he honestly wonders how the hell the boy can still be so impossibly tight after sitting on his cock for so long.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook moans as his hold around Jongwoon’s shoulders strengthens, and he buries his face in the crook of the man’s neck, seeking comfort and closeness; Jongwoon’s cock starts pulsing even harder at the name once again, and he still can’t believe how affected he is by it. “M’gonna cum.”

“Go ahead, baby,” Jongwoon whispers, pressing a kiss on the boy’s pulse just below his ear. “I’m close behind.”

Jongwoon delivers a particularly sharp thrust then, and Ryeowook’s cumming, spilling himself all over their stomachs, and feeling the warmth of the boy’s cum on his skin drives the man absolutely wild.

Jongwoon plops the boy down on his cock one last time to bury himself as deep as possible inside of him, and the relentless clenching of Ryeowook’s hole is enough to push him over the edge in his turn. Jongwoon’s vision turns white for a moment, and he rests his forehead against the boy’s shoulder to look at the mess Ryeowook’s made between them until he manages to catch his breath.

He hears Ryeowook giggle into his neck then, forcing him to look away to check on the boy. He’s looking at him with the same dazed, glossy eyes as earlier, except this time, Ryeowook appears as though he’s glowing, and Jongwoon’s truly wondering now how someone so fucking perfect can exist in a world so dull and grey.

Jongwoon knows Ryeowook is very much still in subspace, but he’s not showing any signs of dropping this time, and his heart feels warm all of a sudden. _‘He’s so easy,’_ he thinks, and that’s what he loves so much about Ryeowook. It’s like he was made to be his baby, his submissive, his perfect little boy for him to care for, and he couldn’t have asked for more.

“You’re staring,” Ryeowook states playfully, snapping Jongwoon back to reality.

Jongwoon chuckles. “I was just making sure my little boy is okay,” he smiles at him then, and he pats his head gently.

Ryeowook giggles again, and he leans forward to rest his cheek against Jongwoon’s chest. He closes his eyes, and breathes deep. “As long as I have you to take care of me,” he mumbles sleepily, “I’ll always be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter (I changed my @ to [@domjwoon](http://twitter.com/domjwoon)) for the updates. I'd suggest you turn your notifications on because apparently I'm shadow banned and people don't see me on their timelines anymore, so that's fun, lol. Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this mess, and I'll see you in chapter 8 !


	8. Parallel Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sponsored by [kpopdrealities](http://twitter.com/kpopdrealities) and her extensive knowledge of sandwiches, it might not look like it but she literally saved my life with this one
> 
> And, as usual, I would like to thank [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for kicking my ass into waking up at 1:30AM every day for 3 weeks straight to work on this chapter and finish it, and it's together that we bring you the result of a grand total of 133 hours of work to get this done
> 
> If you want to get updates on when the new chapter will come, you can [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) :)

_“This story is definitely out of the ordinary. I especially love how the author took some cliché tropes from the fantasy genre and twisted them to make them his own. It made reading this book so much more interesting and enjoyable :) I loved this story from beginning to end, but can anyone tell me if the author plans on making a sequel to this ? He can’t leave us on a cliffhanger like that ! I need to know what will come of Hyejung’s fate, if she’ll ever manage to find a way out of this mess, and if Heejae will succeed in making his plans come to fruition ! The ending is so ambiguous I just want to read more ! Mister Yesung, if you ever read this review, you absolutely have to write a sequel. I’m convinced all of your readers would love that, because I definitely would !” _

Jongwoon blinks, and stares at his phone screen blankly for a moment. He knew he’d regret his decision of reading the reviews left on his most recent book, and he wonders why he decided to do it anyway. He can’t recall seeing any that aren’t asking for a sequel, and this word now makes his skin crawl. He wishes he could delete every single one of them and somehow convince Lee Sooman that writing one would be completely pointless, because he thinks this situation is going to make him lose his goddamn mind soon.

However, his attention is quickly taken away from his frustrations when he feels Ryeowook’s body tense up against him, and Jongwoon immediately discards his phone to his side to focus on the boy instead; he’s still sound asleep, that Jongwoon can tell, but the man picks up on the way his eyebrows furrow in discomfort, and the man’s heart drops in his chest. He thinks Ryeowook’s probably having unpleasant dreams, and he’s acting on pure instinct alone when he tightens his hold around the boy and gently cradles him closer to him; Ryeowook almost instantaneously relaxes, body going limp once again on top of him, and Jongwoon’s heart rate slowly returns to normal when he hears his boyfriend sigh in content in his sleep.

Jongwoon surprises himself thinking it’s oddly comforting to have Ryeowook like this, completely lying down on top of him, as though his dead weight pressing down him provided some sort of anchor to ground him in reality; and as angry as he’d been a few minutes ago, he finds that it’s hard to harbour any negative feelings about anything when all his senses are focusing on Ryeowook like that.

Jongwoon absentmindedly begins tracing patterns at the back of Ryeowook’s head with his thumb, and he closes his eyes, wanting to enjoy this moment fully for as long as he can. The boy shivers under his touch, and his own grip around Jongwoon’s neck tightens as he’s slowly lulled awake.

The man knows Ryeowook is awake when he can feel his lips curve into a smile against his collarbone, and Jongwoon smiles in return as he presses a light kiss against his temple. The boy giggles quietly as he pulls himself up to nuzzle into the crook of Jongwoon’s neck, taking the man by surprise just a tiny bit, but it’s not like he’s complaining. He loves it when Ryeowook is clingy with him; it’s absolutely adorable, and Jongwoon is weak against that.

“What time is it..?” Ryeowook asks; his words are slurred and barely audible, and it takes Jongwoon a few seconds to process it.

The man quickly looks over to the digital clock laying on the bedside table to his right before turning his attention back to the boy, a satisfied smile plastered on his face because it’s early enough for them to still be able to enjoy the luxury of staying in bed for longer. “Almost seven,” Jongwoon replies softly, and he leaves a quick kiss on Ryeowook’s ear. “Did you sleep well ?”

Ryeowook nods; his mind feels too clouded for him to focus on anything at the moment, and he’s almost certain he’ll end up speaking gibberish if he has to talk too much. It’s strange, though, because he’s not usually as dazed and confused in the morning as he is now, but he’s not in any state of mind to really question what’s going on. The only thing that matters to him at the moment is that he feels safe in Jongwoon’s arms; nothing else holds any importance to him.

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongwoon, however, but the man isn’t exactly worried by Ryeowook’s current behaviour. He’s pretty sure he knows what’s going on, and the only thing he can really be concerned about is how Ryeowook might react to it if Jongwoon just confronts him with it directly.

“How are you feeling ?” Jongwoon is still speaking in that low, calming voice that has Ryeowook’s spine almost tingling, and it does nothing to help the boy come back to his senses.

“M’good,” Ryeowook manages to make out after forcing himself to focus on what he’s saying. “I feel high again.” He lets out a chuckle, somehow amused by his own choice of words, but also out of nervousness because he doesn’t know what Jongwoon thinks of this.

“Is that a bad thing ?” Jongwoon inquires, wanting to make sure Ryeowook’s not feeling uncomfortable in any way. “Can you tell me exactly how you’re feeling ?”

The boy frowns as he reflects on it for a moment. “I just… I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s strange. And it kind of feels like I’m floating above my head ?” Ryeowook pauses as he tries his hardest to focus, but it’s a lot harder now; thankfully, Jongwoon doesn’t pry and urge him to hurry at all. He’s always so patient with him, and Ryeowook is grateful for that. “This… might sound weird, but… it feels like I’m ‘smaller’, too ? And it’s hard to think. But I don’t think it’s bad ?” He doesn’t sound very confident in this statement, however—he personally doesn’t see something wrong with it, but he’s scared that Jongwoon might think it’s bizarre or abnormal. “I’m not used to it yet… but it makes me feel safe when I’m with you. So to me… it’s not bad.” Ryeowook doesn’t realize that his hold on Jongwoon tightens even more now; he’s subconsciously seeking comfort because he’s so unsure now, but Jongwoon doesn’t show any sign of judgement or wanting to go away. “Do you… think it’s weird ?”

“Not at all,” Jongwoon assures him with no hesitation. “It’s fairly common in the type of relationship that we have to feel this way. You’re far from weird.” Ryeowook lifts his head up to look at Jongwoon, visible confusion washing over his features, and the man lets out a chuckle in amusement. “A lot of people in your position experience this feeling too. We mostly refer to it as subspace, if you want to put a name on it. I can’t speak for you, though, but that’s what it sounds like to me. You get to decide if that makes sense to you or not.”

Jongwoon reaches up to caress the boy’s cheek tenderly, and he smiles at him.

“If it’s a… _ submissive _ thing,” Ryeowook mumbles as he feels himself floating again under Jongwoon’s touch, “I guess it does make sense, especially given the fact that you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Ryeowook still feels a bit weird about referring to himself as a submissive; he’s not used to it yet, especially since neither he nor Jongwoon ever really call him that, but he doesn’t regard the title as an insult. Maybe he would have if circumstances had been different, but Jongwoon’s never once made him feel like he was lesser than just because Ryeowook willingly surrendered all power and control to him. “You’re doing it again.”

“I know,” Jongwoon teases him, and he can’t help but laugh when Ryeowook pouts as a response. “But I love that you’re so easy to put under. It just tells me that even deep inside of you, you trust that I’ll take good care of you enough to let yourself show a more vulnerable side of you to me.” Jongwoon lifts Ryeowook’s chin up, and the boy immediately understands that it’s a silent demand for him to prop himself up so that Jongwoon can look him in the eye more easily. Jongwoon smiles at him with pride, and he holds Ryeowook’s head up with one hand hooked around the right side of his jaw. “And that’s honestly all I could be asking for,” Jongwoon then adds, and he pulls the boy in for a loving kiss that nearly has Ryeowook seeing stars.

It takes him a good minute after they break apart to regain consciousness, and by the time he does, he immediately notices that Jongwoon is holding him firmly by the nape of his neck to help him stay grounded, as though he’s known all along what was going on in Ryeowook’s mind despite the boy himself not even being aware of anything.

“I think I understand why you want your relationships to be that way,” Ryeowook thinks aloud as realization hits him then. “I only knew the bare minimum before I met you, but I… I think I see it now.”

“What is it..?” Jongwoon almost hesitates to ask, and he can feel his heart beat faster and louder in his chest in apprehension—he’s both extremely curious and worried about Ryeowook’s answer.

“We haven’t been together for very long,” Ryeowook begins, and he feels nervous about it too, because what if he’s wrong in the end ? “But I feel like our relationship has grown stronger faster because of that. That feeling… of needing and being needed at the same time… it’s addicting. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live without that from now on.”

There’s a split second where Jongwoon thinks he’s completely stopped breathing, and all he does is stare at the boy with wide eyes and utter shock plastered onto his face. Ryeowook cocks his head to the side in puzzlement at Jongwoon’s reaction—or rather, lack thereof—and he doesn’t see it coming when the man lifts them both up and almost aggressively pulls Ryeowook onto his lap to capture his lips in a heated kiss that immediately has the boy’s head spinning.

To be fair, Jongwoon hadn’t seen it coming either. He’s acting on pure impulse alone, and he couldn’t have stopped himself even if he had wanted to. Ryeowook’s words hit him like a truck, but in the best way possible; this is the first time Jongwoon ever comes across someone who gets it—someone who gets _ him _ and his motivations, and who realizes that everything he does means so much more than just sex to him.

But there’s nothing in his actions that’s the slightest bit tender, now. Ryeowook shudders underneath his touch when Jongwoon bites down on his lower lip; his grip on the boy’s hips is right on the verge of painful, and Ryeowook fucking loves it. His lips are starting to hurt from the brutality of the kiss, too, but he honestly doesn’t give a fuck. If anything, it just makes him crave more—he wants more of this rough and unrestrained side of his boyfriend he’s just starting to discover, and he attempts to get more out of it by lightly rocking his hips against his.

“Always so eager and impatient,” Jongwoon hums playfully against his mouth, and he decides to slow things down just a little to toy with Ryeowook, who already looks completely fucked out in his grasp.

Jongwoon wraps an arm around Ryeowook’s lower back and he pulls the boy so flush against him that he can barely move. His free hand is tracing the outline of Ryeowook’s already half-hard cock through the thin fabric of his underwear, and his lips latch onto the boy’s neck to start sucking on the delicate skin just above his pulse.

Ryeowook is still very sensitive from the previous night, so much so that he almost feels sore, and he can’t help the strained whimper from escaping him when Jongwoon presses his palm against his bulge a little harder, which only seems to amuse the man, if the smirk Ryeowook can feel forming on his skin is anything to go by.

Still, Ryeowook’s reaction seems to be enough to stop Jongwoon from letting things escalate further, to the boy’s dismay, who lets out a pleading whine when the older man withdraws his hand from his crotch to meet his other arm wrapped around his waist. Jongwoon chuckles as he playfully trails his tongue along the curve of his neck to leave a kiss on his cheek before he pulls back just enough to look at his face, a bright smile illuminating his gorgeous face.

Jongwoon breaks his eye contact for a few seconds to look over at his digital clock once more, and notes that just a little over thirty minutes have passed by now. They still have more time left on their hands before Ryeowook needs to start getting ready for college, but not enough to do very much, especially not with Jongwoon’s tendency to get carried away with his shenanigans. Ideally, he wishes the boy would just stay with him. However, he respects and understands Ryeowook’s decision to go, and he doesn’t want to pressure or trick him into skipping school over what he considers to be a selfish whim.

The man turns his attention to his boyfriend again to leave a gentle peck on his lips, which leaves Ryeowook even more frustrated because he expected the kiss to last longer than two seconds, and fuck, he doesn’t care that he’s sore; he feels as though he’s finally about to see that side of Jongwoon he’s been hoping to meet for so long, and he mentally curses the man for being so controlled all the time.

“There’s still some time left for us before we have to get up,” Jongwoon whispers as he brings his arms to Ryeowook’s front and snakes his hands under the boy’s shirt. “What do you want to do ?”

Ryeowook stays surprised for a second; he hadn’t expected Jongwoon to ask him what _ he _ wanted to do. Usually, it’s up to the man to decide, but the boy doesn’t intend on letting that opportunity slip from him.

“Can I…” Ryeowook chews on the inside of his cheek as he speaks—he almost sounds shy and embarrassed, and it makes Jongwoon extremely weak; he’s still marvelling over how sinfully adorable his boyfriend is without even trying, and for a moment he has to fight the urge to completely ruin him right then and there. “Can I suck you off ?”

Ryeowook looks up at him with hopeful eyes, and time seems to freeze inside Jongwoon’s mind for an unnamed amount of time. Fuck. He’s so perfect, and it drives him mad.

Jongwoon blinks as he seemingly reconnects with reality, and he stares at Ryeowook with awe and pure, untamed lust burning in his dark eyes. The boy feels like he’s shrinking in his grasp, but he doesn’t break eye contact. It’s not like he can, anyway.

“Oh, that’s right...” Jongwoon hums as he reaches up to gently trace the curve of Ryeowook’s lips with his thumb. “We haven’t done that in a while, have we ? Do you miss having daddy’s cock in your mouth, baby ?”

Ryeowook nods slowly, and his stomach fills with butterflies at the nickname once again. This is a kink the boy actually knew he had even before Jongwoon brought it up the night before, and he’s even tried it a few times with past flings; however, it hits so much differently with Jongwoon that it feels like he’s discovering an entirely new fantasy of his, and he can’t get over the thrill it brings him.

“What’s the magic word ?” Jongwoon inquires, bringing Ryeowook out of his reverie.

“Please ?”

“Good boy,” Jongwoon commends proudly. “You can go ahead now, since you’ve asked nicely.”

Ryeowook is barely able to contain his excitement as he gingerly climbs off of Jongwoon’s lap and makes his way down to Jongwoon’s crotch; he can already see the bulge forming under the red fabric, and Jongwoon’s intense gaze he can feel on him only adds to his eagerness to please him.

The boy looks up at his boyfriend to hold his stare as he tugs on the hem of his underwear, and Jongwoon reaches down to pet his hair gently in silent praise and encouragement for being so good to him.

Ryeowook pulls Jongwoon’s boxers down just enough to free his cock from its constraints, too impatient to take the time to get rid of them entirely. Jongwoon doesn’t protest, so the boy doesn’t waste any more time; taking his boyfriend’s half-hard cock in one hand, he sloppily starts mouthing at the sensitive nerve right under the head—chills shoot down Jongwoon’s spine almost instantly, and he hisses in pleasure as his upper body goes lax and he slouches against the headboard. He’s looking at Ryeowook intently with eyes burning with desire, and when the boy proudly smiles up at him in response, Jongwoon’s heart skips a beat. His lust and affection for the younger man is so strong in this moment that it’s almost unbearable, and he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to handle all of it.

“Shit,” Jongwoon curses through gritted teeth. It’s been so fucking long since they’ve done this and the man’s almost forgotten just how good Ryeowook is at sucking cock. And fuck, he’s missed it; and it seems that this time around, the boy intends on taking his time, which Jongwoon isn’t totally opposed to, surprisingly.

Ryeowook quietly chuckles in satisfaction as he feels Jongwoon’s fingers tangle with the hair at the back of his head, and he slowly drags his lips down the underside of his boyfriend’s cock to lightly suckle on the base of his shaft. He moves his hand to the tip, smearing precum all over the head with his thumb, and Jongwoon throws his head back against the wall behind him. Fuck. _ Fuck_, he’s so good at this it should be illegal, but Jongwoon would be nothing short of stupid if he complained.

Feeling playful, Ryeowook takes Jongwoon by absolute surprise when he reaches just a little lower to lick a stripe up his balls; the man’s hips buck up in response, out of his control, and Jongwoon lifts his head up to stare at the boy once again with an unreadable expression on his face. Ryeowook smiles up at him innocently as he goes back to what he’d been doing just before, pretending to be completely oblivious to Jongwoon’s dangerously blazing glare fixated on him.

Before Jongwoon can react, though, Ryeowook moves on to lick a stripe up the man’s shaft, which effectively takes his mind off of things—_for now_—and he can’t hold back the grunt that forms low in his throat when the boy finally wraps his lips around the head. Ryeowook hums in content around him when he can feel the taste of precum on his tongue and Jongwoon can’t help but smirk to himself then; he fucking loves how much his baby seems to enjoy his cock and how willing and eager he is to please him, even if it’s getting harder for him to stay calm and keep his composure. He wants to let the boy know he’s doing amazing, but he can’t trust his words at the moment—he’s pretty sure the only thing he’d be able to muster right now is a string of curses coupled with groans of pleasure in between.

Jongwoon’s grip on his scalp is almost painful at this point and damn him to hell because Ryeowook fucking loves it; he takes it as encouragement to finally start sinking down Jongwoon’s length, although he does it so unbearingly slowly that it nearly feels like torture for the man. But Ryeowook looks so fucking beautiful like this, taking his cock like he was made to do it, that Jongwoon doesn’t want to intervene and ruin the stunning picture being painted in front of him.

Jongwoon’s cock eventually hits the back of Ryeowook’s throat, making the boy gag around him despite his efforts to relax his muscles as much as possible. He moans buoyantly when he feels it twitch against his tongue and more precum run down his throat, and Jongwoon thinks the way the sound is muffled by the size of his cock is the prettiest thing he’s ever heard. _Fuck_. As if he needs another reason to think Ryeowook is beyond fucking perfect at this point.

“Shit, you’re taking my cock so well, angel,” Jongwoon exhales, making Ryeowook croon around him at the praise before he finally starts moving up and down the shaft, although he’s still taking his time to relish in the blissful feeling of being full. The boy’s mouth feels so warm around him, so wet and soft and so fucking heavenly that soon enough, Jongwoon is no longer able to contain his groans, to Ryeowook’s absolute pleasure. _ He’s doing well._

He’s doing fucking amazing, but Jongwoon is growing impatient. He’s loved that Ryeowook’s been so meticulous this whole time, but he’s never been one for teasing—at least not when he’s on the receiving end of it—and he can’t fucking take it anymore. Ryeowook only gets a mere grunt of frustration as a warning before Jongwoon forces his head back down on him, and holy shit, Ryeowook almost cums from that alone. He lets out a drawn out whine as he chokes on the man’s cock, and like it’s become some sort of automatism by now, the boy immediately pulls his hands away to cross them behind his back. _ Surrendering control._

Jongwoon’s heart fills with pride, but his mind gets clouded by the pure, untamed, almost feral lust that overwhelms him the second he realizes what’s happening and he can no longer think straight. In a feeble attempt to keep himself grounded, he grabs a fistful of his white fitted sheet so tightly his hand is shaking, although this changes nothing in the end; his hips seem to have developed a mind of their own, and he thrusts into Ryeowook’s mouth, making the boy lose his goddamn mind in his turn.

It’s almost alarming just how much the boy loves having his throat fucked and abused like this—it’s so intense he nearly forgets about his own cock aching between his legs and leaking precum all over his underwear, the pleasure numbing the pain enough to reduce it to a simple thought at the back of his head. He just wants to please Jongwoon. He doesn’t care about the rest.

Seeing just how fucking responsive Ryeowook is to everything he’s doing right now has Jongwoon feel dizzy—he’s close, _ he’s so fucking close _ it feels like he’s about to explode, and after one last buck of his hips, he pushes the boy down on his cock until his nose hits Jongwoon’s crotch. Ryeowook moans happily, fucked out of his mind, and feeling so fucking euphoric because the way his windpipe completely shuts down leaves him unable to breathe properly. 

“_Swallow,_” Jongwoon orders him, mere seconds before he’s cumming, but the way Ryeowook’s throat is constricted makes it hard for the boy to do that at first. Ryeowook’s eyes tear up as he starts choking on Jongwoon’s cum, and holy fuck, it’s so fucking hot that he doesn’t even care when some of it leaks out at the corners of his mouth.

Jongwoon breathes deep, trying to even out his breathing. His hold on both the bed sheet and Ryeowook’s hair loosen, and his upper body falls back onto the headboard once again. He rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes as he gently rubs his thumb at the back of the boy’s head; he’s still cumming, and he smirks when he hears his boyfriend hum in content once again as he takes it all in, just like he’s asked.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon praises him, and he feels Ryeowook’s lips curve into a smile around him as his cock starts softening. He finally lets go of the boy’s head, allowing him to pull away from him.

Except Ryeowook seems to have a different plan in mind, which Jongwoon discovers when he can feel the boy’s hands back on him, holding his cock so he can suck at the tip and lick him completely clean. Jongwoon goes to sit up and open his eyes to try and figure out what is happening exactly, but he’s so oversensitive from having just cum that his body immediately falls backwards and his head collides with the wall—not nearly enough to hurt, but enough to make an audible sound, and Ryeowook chuckles around him, clearly amused by his reaction.

“_Fuck !_” Jongwoon whisper-yells as one of his hands shoots up to join his head on the wall behind him. His other finds its way into Ryeowook’s blonde hair again, and it takes him a stupidly long time to gather up the physical strength to pry the boy off of his sensitive cock. Jongwoon glares at Ryeowook, dark eyes smouldering with anger, and the boy looks back at him with a pleading, almost innocent gaze. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing ?” the man questions him, sharp and sternly, and he moves his hand from the back of Ryeowook’s head to grab his jaw tightly enough to prevent the boy from moving away.

“I just… I just wanted to make daddy feel good,” Ryeowook replies, sounding a lot more confident and sure of himself than both he and Jongwoon had expected.

“And you did,” Jongwoon confirms, “until you decided to disobey me and do something I didn’t ask you to do.”

“M’sorry—”

“No no baby, sorry doesn’t cut it and you know that,” Jongwoon interrupts him. He doesn’t look nor sound angry, but he’s scolding, and that’s enough for Ryeowook to understand he’s really done something wrong. Fuck.

“Are you gonna punish me..?”

“What do you think ?” Jongwoon throws back at him, raising an eyebrow expectantly. Ryeowook nods affirmatively. “That’s right,” the man reaffirms, and he looks at his digital clock once again as he lets go of Ryeowook’s jaw. A lot more time has passed than he’d originally thought. “You should consider yourself lucky that you have to go to school now. Although, having said that… maybe you’re not that lucky, because that’ll give me plenty of time to think of a suitable punishment for what you’ve done.”

Chills run down Ryeowook’s spine at these words. He knows he shouldn’t be thrilled by the prospect of being punished, but he can’t help it. He’s been curious about this since Jongwoon’s explained it to him—although he can’t quite shake away the anxiety that settles in his guts since he has no idea what it entails, he’s been wanting this for so long now that it seems benign in comparison.

Jongwoon chuckles darkly, finding some sort of sinister fondness in Ryeowook’s current display of innocence. He still has so much to learn, and the fact that the boy is completely clueless about what’s to come, while unfortunate for Ryeowook, is something Jongwoon sees as an advantage.

Jongwoon reaches out to Ryeowook and wraps an arm around the boy’s waist loosely to pull him closer. He uses his free hand to stroke his hair gently, effectively putting Ryeowook under a false sense of safety.

“Don’t get your hopes up too high, baby,” Jongwoon warns him as he brings his lips closer to the boy’s until they’re standing centimetres apart. “By the time we get to your punishment, I’ll have wiped that smirk off of your pretty face entirely.”

“_Jongwoon…_” Ryeowook moans breathily against Jongwoon’s lips—he means to sound assertive, but his voice only comes as needy and pleading, and it does nothing to stop the man from kissing him as though they were still alone in the privacy of his apartment and not out in the open in a crowded parking lot of a college campus. “Jongwoon… I have to go…”

Jongwoon sighs in discontentment, but he knows Ryeowook is right. He reluctantly pulls away from the boy, sulking a bit, and leaves him one last loving kiss on his forehead as goodbye. He stays there for a few seconds, immobile, wanting to enjoy Ryeowook’s presence as much as he can, even though there’s a part of him that feels ridiculous for doing so. Ryeowook will be back in his arms in the evening; it’s not like he’s going away forever, but it seems that saying goodbye is becoming harder for him as time goes by. Even if it’s just for a few hours.

“Call me if you need anything,” Jongwoon whispers against Ryeowook’s skin before finally pulling away. “Have a nice day, baby.”

Ryeowook smiles at him as he grabs his backpack at his feet before opening the car door and wishing Jongwoon the same, and the man waits until his boyfriend is out of sight to drive back home, hoping he can make use of his time to write some more, which turns out to be a complete joke in the end.

Jongwoon honestly doesn’t understand how he keeps fooling himself into believing he can get any work done, given his current lack of motivation to do anything. It’s not that he can’t find inspiration, because his mind is constantly bubbling with ideas; it’s that somehow writing doesn’t feel the same for him, and it’s starting to feel much more like a chore than a passion to him. It’s irritating.

Sighing in frustration, Jongwoon lets his head fall back on the couch, and he stares at the ceiling pointlessly. There’s this uncomfortable sensation that’s been tugging at the bottom of his stomach since he got home, too, that proves to be bigger of a distraction than he would’ve thought.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath and brushes a hand over his face in discouragement. His apartment feels eerily empty, and the oppressing silence around him only seems to weigh him down. Normally, he’d welcome this tranquility; _ normally_, it would offer him some kind of peace of mind, but currently its sole accomplishment is to make Jongwoon’s discomfort even more unbearable.

He should be used to it by now. He should, and he thought he was, but this emptiness is completely unfamiliar to him. His apartment no longer feels like home.

It’s not home without Ryeowook, and it makes Jongwoon angry.

He’s angry because he knows how fucking ridiculous it is. Ryeowook will be back in just a few hours, and he’s aware that he would, without a doubt, hate himself more if he’d been selfish and forced him to stay. Ryeowook is not his pet, and he doesn’t want to treat him like one either. That’s not the type of relationship he wants to have with him.

But, then again… he’s not quite sure he knows what he wants them to be. He thought he had a clear vision of it, but he realizes now that he may have been looking at the picture on the puzzle box this whole time, and that the pieces are still scattered around right in front of him.

And this might not bid well for him given he’s always been terrible at solving puzzles.

“I really should stop _ thinking_,” Jongwoon exhales, trying to kick his own ass back into gear. “Never ends well for me.” Especially not since all it’s done for him thus far is to make him wish Ryeowook would be there with him even harder, which only adds to his problem. Despite the boy being at the centre of his inner torment, when he’s there _ with him_, Jongwoon is somehow incapable of thinking about any of this—because even in his confusion, there is one thing Jongwoon is absolutely certain of : being with Ryeowook feels _ right_.

And that utterly _ terrifies _ him. He’s suddenly becoming aware of just how much he’s grown to rely on the boy, both physically _ and _ emotionally, and that last part is what frightens him the most for so many reasons. He fears that he might end up accidentally hurting Ryeowook by putting too much of his emotional burden on his shoulders, and that it’s going to cause Jongwoon to lose him in the end. And Jongwoon’s not sure he’d be able to recover from that.

Jongwoon lets out a shaky breath and jumps back on his feet; he notices his hands have started to tremble, and he finds it more and more painful to take deeper breaths to calm his racing nerves down. He’s not aware that he’s started to nervously pace around the room until his eyes land on his car keys that he’s haphazardly thrown onto the dining table on the other side of his apartment when he got back earlier, and he doesn’t even think twice before he makes a beeline for it to _ get the fuck out of this place _ as fast as he can before he suffocates.

Jongwoon is hoping that forcing himself to focus on the road will be enough to distract him from his intrusive thoughts. He drives around aimlessly for a while, and finds out that his plan ends up working a little too well for him when he nearly has a heart attack when the ringtone of his phone echoes through the speakers of his car, making his return to reality a bit more brutal than he’d wished.

He quickly looks over at his dashboard, hoping it’s a call from anyone _ but _ Jungsoo, and he sighs in relief when he sees Heechul’s ID on the screen, although he’s a bit perplexed as to why his friend is calling him now. But he’s not complaining. Talking to someone he knows and trusts doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now.

“Hey,” Jongwoon simply greets him when he answers, and he hopes his friend won’t notice how unnerved he sounds.

“Hey, are you busy right now ?”

“No, not really,” Jongwoon answers, although he spent a moment thinking about his reply. “Why do you ask ?”

“Geng and I just got some free time to go out for lunch,” Heechul explains, “and it’s been a while since the gang’s been together.”

“Huh, yeah, sure, that would be cool,” Jongwoon agrees, and he wants to thank the universe for his friend’s impeccable timing. Seeing his friends is what he really needs right now, he thinks. “Where ?”

“We spotted a little sandwich shop on our way to the set. It’s probably about a five-minute walk from here. I’m sending you the address.”

“Alright,” Jongwoon responds, and he gets Heechul’s text a few seconds later so he can input the address into his GPS. “See ya.”

Jongwoon’s friends are already seated when he finally gets there. They’ve chosen a table in one of the corners, and by the looks of it, they’d decided to order their food already, although he can tell it hasn’t been long since most of it still lies intact in their plate.

Jongwoon waves at them from his spot in the queue, before he turns his attention to the menu displayed on the wall behind the counter; but he finds that none of it really sounds that appealing to him. It’s not that the food itself doesn’t look good, because it does—he just can’t help but think _ Ryeowook _ could’ve done better, and he realizes that he misses his cooking.

Jongwoon sighs and ends up ordering the first thing he sees on the menu without paying it much attention. He’s not much of a picky eater, so he figures he’ll probably be okay with whatever he ends up getting, although it doesn’t change the fact that he bizarrely takes a long time to even take his first bite once he takes a seat next to Youngwoon.

His friend is too busy taking out the red peppers out of his sandwich to pay attention to him at first, and Jongwoon smiles in confused amusement when he notices Geng looking at Youngwoon as though what his friend was currently doing personally offended him.

“Weren’t you supposed to be on a diet ?” Geng calls him out, looking both horrified and concerned, and Youngwoon shoots him a glare.

“Today is cheat day,” the man half-jokes, trying to deflect the subject.

“And it looks like today is the opposite for Jongwoon,” Heechul nudges when he sees that his friend’s only so much as stared at his food the entire time. “What did you order ?”

“Huh… roast turkey, I think ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow and looks back at the menu over his shoulder to confirm it. “Nothing really called out to me, so I just picked the first thing I saw.”

“Are you okay ?” Heechul questions, puzzled by his friend’s odd behaviour.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry,” Jongwoon nods, although it’s not exactly true. He just doesn’t want to have that conversation right now, not when all his friends are finally reunited after such a long time. “I think I just really miss home cooked meals.”

“Since when do you cook ?” Youngwoon pitches in, suddenly intrigued by the conversation.

“Oh, I don’t,” Jongwoon smiles to himself—he can’t stop the warmth creeping up on his heart at the memory of Ryeowook in the kitchen preparing dinner for the both of them. “But Ryeowook does. He’s really good at it, too. And usually he makes extra portions to keep as leftovers for me to eat during the week, so I rarely have to order take out or eat ramyeon anymore. He’s adorable.”

Jongwoon doesn’t realize he’s rambling until he takes a look at his friends, who are all staring at him with wide eyes full of shock and bewilderment.

“What ?”

“I knew you were whipped for this guy,” Heechul begins, “but this is just… an entirely new level of it, even by your standards.”

Youngwoon reaches over to place the back of his hand on Jongwoon’s forehead to check his temperature, unable to believe what the hell just happened. “Are you sure you’re okay ? You’re not sick, are you ?”

Jongwoon pushes Youngwoon’s arm away. “I don’t see why you guys think it’s so weird. I was just answering your question,” he defends.

“Jongwoon,” Heechul counters. “You _ rambled_. About your personal _ love life_. _ Openly._”

“While smiling like an idiot,” Youngwoon adds, and Heechul nods in agreement.

“I think it’s cute to see him like that,” Geng admits, taking Jongwoon’s defense. “It’s nice to see you open up more. You look happier than I’ve seen you in a while. You’ve never told us much about Ryeowook, but I think he’s doing good things to you.”

“That sounded weirdly sexual,” Heechul jokes.

Geng rolls his eyes and gently taps his boyfriend on the shoulder. “_I meant,_” he emphasizes, “it looks like he’s helping you get out of your shell. I don’t see how that could be a bad thing.”

“Yeah, I guess…” Jongwoon concedes, even though he’s not exactly sure about the veracity of Geng’s claims. He has mixed feelings about it—on one hand, he does agree with the fact that generally speaking, Ryeowook does make him happier than he’d been in a long, long time. On the other, however, his feelings for him are digging out all of his insecurities and scars from his previous relationship and bringing them to the surface, and he absolutely dreads the way it makes him feel so… _ fragile_.

“Can we see him ?” Youngwoon blurts out, which startles Jongwoon out of his thoughts.

“_No_,” the man immediately responds, stern and severe, suddenly feeling overly protective of the boy. He cherishes his friends dearly, but he knows how they are with his partners usually, and he doesn’t think Ryeowook is ready to deal with that. But most of all, he’s scared that one of them might accidentally reveal certain details of his life that he doesn’t want Ryeowook to know about just yet, and he doesn’t want to take the risk.

Youngwoon sighs, fooling Jongwoon into believing he’s going to drop the subject for a second. “Does he have Instagram ?”

“Youngwoon, you’re a genius,” Heechul exclaims as Youngwoon takes his phone out of pocket to look up Ryeowook’s name on the app. “Can’t believe we didn’t think of that earlier.”

Jongwoon tries to grab the device from his friend’s hands, but Youngwoon turns around in his seat to block him with his back and laughs at Jongwoon’s annoyance.

“Youngwoon, you better stop or I’m going to kill you,” Jongwoon threatens, but his friend only snorts at him.

“You almost sound like you’re ashamed of him,” Youngwoon teases, which makes Jongwoon withdraw himself from the man almost instantly—he doesn’t want them to even entertain the idea that he’s embarrassed about him, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.

“It’s not that,” Jongwoon almost growls. _ It’s that he’s _ ** _mine_**, he almost blurts out, but he manages to catch himself before he can make himself sound like an unreasonable jealous boyfriend. He doesn’t understand why he even thought like that—it’s not like his friends would ever try to take the boy away from him, especially given the fact that Heechul and Geng are a couple already and that Youngwoon is _ straight_, and he highly doubts that Ryeowook would even consider leaving him for _ anyone _ in the first place.

“Kim Ryeowook, art student at Seoul University,” Youngwoon reads out loud from Ryeowook’s profile, and Jongwoon leans against the wall next to him in defeat. He’s found him. _ Fuck_. “Born June 21st, 1998. I may be small but if you call me a baby, I will call the police on you.” Youngwoon snorts as Heechul and Geng throw Jongwoon a knowing look, and he starts to scroll down the boy’s profile to take a look at his pictures. “Aw, he’s _ adorable._”

“Pass the phone, I wanna see,” Heechul demands excitedly as he reaches a hand over the table to grab Youngwoon’s phone. Jongwoon’s given up all hope at this point—he just feels like disappearing.

Geng leans over Heechul’s shoulder to take a look as well, and both men can’t help the giant smile that creeps onto their faces. Although he’s a bit younger than what Jongwoon usually goes for, they can both tell that he’s exactly Jongwoon’s type; someone who’s smaller than him and who radiates this sort of mischievous innocence Heechul almost immediately picks up on through his pictures—the kind of innocence that only exists on the surface, but still powerful enough to create the illusion, and Youngwoon is right. The boy is downright adorable, and Heechul thinks he understands why Jongwoon is acting so differently than usual with him now. He knows Jongwoon like the back of his hand, and probably knows even more than what best friends should, given the common lifestyle they share.

On top of that, Ryeowook is an artist, which perfectly fits with Jongwoon, whom he knows wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone too rational and pragmatic—he needs someone who can match his creativity, otherwise he’d grow bored very quickly.

“Hold up,” Heechul hails, suddenly remembering something else that Ryeowook’s bio mentioned. He scrolls back up to the top to check if he’s correct before looking Jongwoon in the eye with an apologetic expression. “His birthday is on June 21st.”

Jongwoon cocks an eyebrow, not immediately understanding what point Heechul is trying to make. “Yeah, I know—”

“Our trip to Taiwan,” Heechul reminds him, and Jongwoon almost starts panicking then.

“Oh, _ fuck_,” Jongwoon breathes out, dejected. “I can’t believe I forgot about that. What am I supposed to do ? We’ve been planning this trip for so long, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I missed his birthday—”

“Yeah, well,” Geng interjects before Jongwoon starts freaking out for real, “we might’ve had to put it on hold either way.”

“Wait, why ?” Youngwoon questions, confused by what’s going on currently.

“I’m auditioning for Shin Donghee’s new movie on Monday,” Geng announces, although he’s not as excited about it as she should be since he knows it means he’s going to be forced to bail on their trip. “And if I get the part, I won’t be able to go, and it’s not an opportunity I can pass up.”

“Like I’d let you,” Heechul asserts. “Most people would kill to even _ get _ an audition for one of his projects. He’s expected to be the next big thing in the movie industry in Korea, and apparently, he’s got access to quite the budget this time. You are _ not _ gonna give it up, Mister Han.”

Geng holds his hands up in surrender, pretending to be scared of Heechul’s threats.

“I guess we’re putting our trip on hold, then ?” Youngwoon asks.

“Sounds like we’re gonna have to,” Heechul sighs. He’s not pleased by this idea either, but he would literally kill his boyfriend if he refused to go to this audition.

This allows Jongwoon to calm down, though, and he decides to let the subject be for now, because he doesn’t need another source of stress right now. He’s already got enough on his shoulders.

Jongwoon stops paying attention to the conversation from there, staring into space as his friends sound more and more distant. His food feels bland, too, as though he’d lost his ability to taste—or maybe he’s just too far gone in his own mind to be able to focus on stuff like that, he doesn’t really know. He ends up leaving half of his sandwich in the plate; he’s unable to stomach anything at the moment.

Jongwoon knows the way he’s acting at the moment is ridiculous and quite frankly pathetic and laughable at best. He’s acting like an hormonal teenager whose life has started to revolve around their first crush because they’re unable to process their feelings properly, and he can’t quite pinpoint what the trigger to all of this was exactly, or even _ when _ his feelings became so confusing and tangled.

He starts thinking, in retrospect, that the fact that he even brought Ryeowook back home with him the night they met should’ve been the first red flag—it was a decision he’d made on a complete whim, after all. Ryeowook had been able to make him lose his impulse control in that moment, despite the fact that they’d been complete strangers then. Jongwoon should’ve seen it coming.

It seems that even if his judgement of Ryeowook’s character has proven right in the end, he’s severely underestimated just how _ dangerous _ the boy could be.

Jongwoon blinks, and he’s brought back to his senses when he witnesses Youngwoon shift and stand up beside him in his peripheral vision. He realizes then that his friends are done eating, and he guesses that it’s time for them to go back to work. He shakes his head awake and follows them out of the sandwich shop, throwing his half-eaten sandwich in the trash in passing, but his head is still too in the clouds to really react to anything, and simply waves Youngwoon a silent goodbye when his older friend is the first to leave.

“Jongwoon ?” he hears Heechul call him, and he looks over at his best friend to meet with his worried expression. “Are you sure you’re okay ?”

Jongwoon frowns, wondering for a moment if he should tell his friend the truth. “Yeah, I guess. I just have a lot on my mind lately.”

Heechul stares at his friend for a second, and he sighs before he turns to his boyfriend. “You can go ahead. I’ll be right behind you.”

Geng nods, immediately understanding what Heechul is doing. He’s close with Jongwoon too, but the bond he and Heechul have is a lot stronger; it’s as though they’re able to read each other like an open book, and his boyfriend is the only person Jongwoon has ever allowed to see him at his lowest. He doesn’t exactly know why Heechul wants to stay behind to talk to him, but Geng trusts that he probably has a good reason for it, so he chooses not to question it and leave the two friends alone to talk. He needs to be back on set soon anyway.

Heechul turns his attention back to Jongwoon. “Your book or Ryeowook ?” he guesses, getting straight to the point.

“... both ?” Jongwoon hesitates, unsure of what the real answer is himself. He knows Ryeowook occupies most of his thoughts lately, but he also feels like his work is giving him _ actual _ gray hairs right now, and he wonders if the stress he’s getting from it could actually be influencing his emotional instability. “Sooman is pressing, and I haven’t been able to get in the zone at all lately. I feel drained whenever I try to write. It’s actually starting to feel like an actual job now rather than a passion, and it’s frustrating.”

“And Ryeowook..?”

Jongwoon sighs. “I don’t know, and that’s what bugs me.”

“Is everything going alright between you two ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon responds, this time with absolute certainty. “That’s not the problem. He’s… beyond perfect. It’s just… _ me_.”

Heechul tries in vain to cover his surprise at Jongwoon’s confession—he may know the man by heart, but Jongwoon has never been so willing to open up right away, even to him. Usually, Heechul has to pry a bit, and even then, Jongwoon always ends up dismissing the subject. Geng really is right. Ryeowook is getting Jongwoon to get out of his shell more, but Heechul can no longer tell if it’s a good thing or not. The Jongwoon that stands before him _ almost _ looks broken; he’s like a lost puppy, and Heechul can only recall a handful of times he’s seen him so alarmingly confused and distressed. He doesn’t like it.

“What do you mean ?”

“Ryeowook just feels so different from anything I’ve ever experienced,” Jongwoon explains. “There are no expectations, no demands, _ nothing_. It doesn’t feel like I’m the only one _ giving_, this time. It feels like… he actually _ gets _ me, like we’re connected by something that goes beyond anything I know.”

Heechul squints at him, completely perplexed by what his friend is talking about. “And that’s a problem because..?”

“Because I don’t know if my perception is correct or if I’m just being deluded by my own feelings once again,” Jongwoon blurts out. “It’s so perfect that it doesn’t feel like it _ can _ be real. I’ve been the victim of my own delusion only once before, but that was enough for me. I don’t want to fall into that same trap again, Heechul. You saw how bad it was, and _ I _ was the one who broke up with him.”

Heechul can almost feel his heart physically break at the memory. He remembers how shattered and distraught Jongwoon had been back then; he’s still getting chills from how cold and lifeless he’d sounded when Heechul came to check up on him right after his breakup with Hyukjae, how he’d kept his apartment in the dark and stayed sitting in the corner of the room so that Heechul _ wouldn’t see him like this_, and he understands where Jongwoon is coming from now.

“Have you told Ryeowook about the way you feel ?” Heechul questions, unsure of how he should be approaching this subject; and when Jongwoon looks at him like he’s just insulted his entire family, he thinks he may have chosen the wrong way to go about this. “I know it’s not something you’re comfortable with, but maybe opening up to him a little could help you sort this out. If he understands you, then you’ll have confirmation that your perception is correct and that it’s real. In any case… maybe it’ll give you a chance to sort things out before it’s gone too far.” Heechul pauses for a moment as he thinks about what else to say, and he chews up the inside of his cheek in concern. “Is the relationship you have with Ryeowook… something you’re comfortable with ?”

Jongwoon stares into the void for a moment, thinking of an answer, but it doesn’t come to him as easily as he thinks it should be. The emotions he experiences when he’s with Ryeowook are the complete opposite of what he feels when they’re apart—when they’re together, Jongwoon’s entire attention is focused solely on him, so he can’t think about anything else. He can’t feel stressed, sad, angry or empty like he is now; but in his absence, it just feels like a part of him is missing, and it tears him to shreds.

Even then, if he takes it at face value, he’s not sure he’s comfortable opening up to Ryeowook like Heechul is suggesting.

“Given how many times I’ve thought of putting an end to it,” Jongwoon sighs, and he gives his friend a sad little smile as his eyes cloud over with guilt. “I don’t think so.”

“Can I ask why you haven’t ?”

“I’m already at the point of no return,” Jongwoon admits, although painfully so. “Although I wish things would be different and that I hadn’t grown so… _ attached _ to him so quickly, leaving him is not an option for me. If we ever get to that point… it’s gonna be on his terms. Not mine.” Jongwoon looks up at the sky, and he lets out a dismal little chuckle as he admits his own defeat to himself. “They do say it’s the submissive that holds all the power in reality,” he jokes sarcastically. “Guess that couldn’t be more right than it is now.”

Ryeowook ironically wonders why he insisted on going to class today, because he’s completely unable to focus on anything. He spends the first thirty minutes of his lecture trying to get his _ stubborn cock to fucking chill_, and the remaining two and a half spacing out and staring at the board as he gets lost in his own thoughts.

The punishment that Jongwoon’s promised him doesn’t leave his mind the entire time. While he’s mostly really excited about it—he’s been trying to rile up Jongwoon since the beginning of his stay earlier this week _ on purpose_, after all—there’s a part of him that worries about it; about how he’s going to perform, but also because he has no idea what Jongwoon’s actually planning for him this time around.

Ryeowook has a guess that it’s probably going to be something they haven’t done yet, however, if the way Jongwoon had spoken to him is anything to go by. He’s used to his boyfriend’s firm yet affectionate side, but the man had been rougher with him this morning than usual, and while Ryeowook isn’t complaining, he knows that might not mean anything good for him.

While he really appreciates how patient Jongwoon is with him, taking things slow and actually putting time and effort into teaching him what he needs to know, he also realizes that it means he knows almost nothing about what Jongwoon is actually capable of doing, nor how many things he’s into. He’s not completely ignorant about the type of fantasies and play people in their type of relationship indulge in, he also knows that there’s a significant number of them he still has no clue about, and given Jongwoon has experience in this sort of thing, he can only assume that there’s a lot more to his boyfriend than what he’s shown him so far.

This is mostly why he’s been so adamant about making Jongwoon lose his composure and control lately, in actuality—and it’s not just out of curiosity or the thrill of experiencing something new. The idea that this might mean Jongwoon is forsaking his own desires because of him really doesn’t sit well with Ryeowook, and while the man has never actually made him feel like it bothers him or presents any sort of burden to him, it’s a thought that’s been haunting the boy for a little while, now. This dynamic may be a fairly new thing in their relationship, but Ryeowook takes into account the other half of it they’d spend not even delving into this world, and it adds up to an amount of time that Ryeowook thinks may be draining for Jongwoon at this point.

For someone who seems to have no qualms about expressing his desires of the moment in great detail, Jongwoon sure doesn’t talk a lot about his feelings. He’s figured out by now that Jongwoon is much more of a man of action than words—which is quite ironic, given his career as a writer—but it’s a bit bothersome to Ryeowook that his worries and insecurities when it comes to Jongwoon stem from pure assumption rather than facts, because he can’t tell what the man is thinking most of the time. He can’t really blame Jongwoon for it, though, because the boy is almost certain that Jongwoon would tell him if he were to ask. He just doesn’t want to touch a sensitive chord by accident if he were to ever push things too far, but it’s slowly been eating at him for some time.

He knows Jongwoon values trust above all, and Ryeowook trusts him entirely. He just wishes Jongwoon would trust him fully, too, so he could show him this side of him Ryeowook _ knows _ is hiding behind those dark, burning eyes.

Ryeowook breathes deep, and he realizes that his lecture is almost over by the time he’s able to come back to his senses. _ Perfect timing_, he thinks, because he’s supposed to join his friends at their usual spot on campus for study period, like they do every Thursday. A part of him almost feels like bailing on them and call Jongwoon to pick him up earlier instead, but he remembers that one of the reasons they couldn’t see each other for the previous weeks was because Jongwoon insisted on him spending time with his friends like initially planned, so he ultimately decides to heed his advice and decide against it.

“Oi, Ryeowook !”

Ryeowook shifts on his feet, following the direction of the voice that called out to him once he steps out of the main building to find Kyuhyun standing on the seat of the picnic table like an absolute idiot, and Ryeowook immediately regrets his choice to stay instead of going back to Jongwoon’s place.

Ryeowook stares at his friend and makes sure that Kyuhyun can see the embarrassment in his face even from far away, and the taller man eventually gets the message to sit back down if he wants Ryeowook to even come near him.

It’s about halfway there that Ryeowook realizes that, alongside all his friends, _ Henry _ is also there, sitting across from Saeun with his back facing him, and he starts to panic a little when the memories of the day before come to the surface. The only reason he can think of as to why he’s even there is because of this; he’d consider Henry a friend, but not exactly a close one, and it’s rare to see him hanging out with people other than Zhoumi and another Chinese transfer student Ryeowook doesn’t remember the name of. Needless to say he doesn’t have any hope of getting him to keep what happened between them.

He approaches his group of friends carefully, wishing to make himself appear as small and unnoticeable as possible, but thanks to Kyuhyun’s earlier antics, it’s hard for him not to stand out.

“Hey,” Ryeowook meets his friends awkwardly, and he catches Sungmin shooting him a concerned look from his side of the table. _ Shit_.

“Oh, hey, I was just talking about you,” Henry laughs. Ryeowook’s shoulders drop in defeat, and he sighs nervously.

Ryeowook gives him a fake little smile of acknowledgement. “How’s Zhoumi ?”

“Alive, but in bad shape,” Henry chuckles, clearly amused by his step-brother’s demise. “Your boyfriend didn’t miss him. His nose is broken and he’ll probably have to stay home for another few days, which means freedom for me. Not gonna lie though, your boyfriend is kinda scary. I thought he was going to beat me up too if I looked at him for too long.”

“I see,” Ryeowook mumbles, and he bites the inside of his cheek to settle his nerves.

Sungmin frowns. “Are you okay, Wook ?”

“Hm ? Oh, huh, yeah, sorry,” he blabbers nervously. “I was just… we fought about it last night, and I just got reminded of it.”

His friends’ expressions simultaneously shift to puzzlement at his words.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘_fought_’ ?” Changmin inquires curiously—he seems to be the most confused out of the bunch. “You didn’t like that he was defending you ?”

Ryeowook sighs. He wishes he wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. “I’ve got to admit that it’s kind of hot when he gets mad,” he jokes to lighten up the mood. “But breaking someone’s nose ? Isn’t that a bit too much ?”

“Maybe,” Henry concedes, “but it’s not like Zhoumi didn’t ask for it.”

“Yeah, but still,” Ryeowook defends, “I’m not comfortable with the idea of him _ punching _ people for me. But we made up, and he promised not to do it again, so can we please change the subject ? I don’t want to think about Zhoumi anymore.”

There’s an awkward silence that falls upon them then as everyone tries to come up with another subject, and Ryeowook dejectedly crosses his arms over the table to rest his forehead against them on the table, hiding his face from view.

“I’ve got a question though,” Kyuhyun then states, and Ryeowook turns over to look at him. “... was the make up sex good at least ?”

Ryeowook’s heart skips a beat and he immediately turns red—he should’ve expected something like that from his friend, yet he’s still taken aback and he’s unable to react to it for a moment. Saeun, sitting next to him, slaps him on the arm to scold him, and Kyuhyun feigns being hurt as Changmin looks on with a deceived look on his face.

“What ? It’s a legitimate question,” he defends, holding his arm at the spot he’s just got hit on.

“And I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Saeun counters, and Ryeowook silently thanks her for stepping up.

“I think he’s trying to live through Ryeowook because his own sex life is non existent,” Changmin teases, and now Kyuhyun looks genuinely offended.

“_Deserve_,” Ryeowook chuckles, and he sits back up straight again.

“You were blushing, though,” Kyuhyun deflects, trying to switch the conversation back to its original topic so he’s no longer the victim of his friends’ bullying. _ He’s _ supposed to be the one doing that to them. “Which means, _ you loved it_.”

“Oh my god, please shut the fuck up,” Ryeowook pleads, but he can’t keep a straight face at his friends antics, and he feels his insides turn into mush when he remembers what happened the night before, which causes him to blush even harder.

“_Aw_,” Kyuhyun coos exaggeratedly. “Baby Wookie is so shy ! It’s _ adorable_.”

Ryeowook closes his eyes—the word _ baby _ ticks him so much that his mood instantly shifts from sheepish to angry. He catches himself thinking that he’s only allowed to be _ Jongwoon’s _ baby and that it means _ no one else _ has the right to call him that, and after taking a deep breath, Ryeowook leans over the table to try and get to Kyuhyun who immediately starts laughing as their friends look on with no intentions of stopping the fight.

While everyone else is mostly focused on Kyuhyun and his fake pleas for help, Sungmin silently observes Ryeowook, lost in his own thoughts. Although he commands Jongwoon for defending his friend—something he has trouble admitting, even to himself—he feels conflicted now because of what Ryeowook’s said about it. The boy had looked genuinely upset at the situation, as though something was troubling him, and he can’t help but worry for his friend.

Sungmin doesn’t like being so paranoid and overprotective, but given Ryeowook’s history of frequenting and hooking up with the worst kind of people—Zhoumi being the perfect example of this—it’s not something he can let go of and brush over like the rest of their group seems to be able to do. This is the longest he recalls Ryeowook actually dating someone, and while he thinks he should be regarding it as a good sign, it’s Jongwoon’s age that throws him off completely. He’s not a run-of-the-mill, college frat kind of guy. He’s a man who can actually have influence over his friend, and probably much more than Ryeowook can be aware of.

Ryeowook gives himself a push to grab Kyuhyun by the collar of his shirt, and for a second there as his shirt is pulled up by the motion, Sungmin is almost certain he noticed a thin, ridged mark running across Ryeowook’s hip, and he can’t understand what the hell it could me. It doesn’t look like anything that could be caused by hitting yourself onto a hard surface, and he’s so utterly confused he thinks he might have just hallucinated. It tears at him, but he decides to keep it to himself just in case, although he knows it’s going to annoy him as long as he doesn’t have a clear answer.

It didn’t look like anything alarming, and Ryeowook doesn’t look like he’s in pain, so he tries to convince himself that it’s nothing bad and he’s just overreacting. It’s definitely strange, though.

“I have an actual question though,” he blurts out, effectively stopping the commotion by turning everyone’s attention back to him. “I know you’ve said to change the subject, and I promise I will after this, but I really need to know. Has Jongwoon ever acted like that before ?”

Ryeowook lets himself fall back into his seat, letting go of Kyuhyun who sighs in relief. The boy thinks it over, trying to remember if he’s ever seen Jongwoon act so aggressively toward something, but the only thing he manages to scrap from his memories is that one time he’s heard Jongwoon groan and curse at his computer while writing, which doesn’t sound all that big of a deal to him.

“No, never,” Ryeowook shakes his head. “I know he was angry at Zhoumi when I told him what happened, and he looked shaken, but _ that _ just… felt so out of character for him to burst out like that. He’s always so gentle and caring with me, so I really didn’t see it coming.”

Ryeowook’s answer does nothing to appease Sungmin, however. If anything, it just makes things worse, because now he knows that Jongwoon has the potential to become violent if pushed enough, even if Ryeowook himself says it doesn’t look like something he would do. He absolutely abhors the idea of his friend getting hurt, and he hopes it never happens, but he promises to keep a closer eye on him from now on.

Ryeowook expected to be a lot more nervous than he actually is when he sees Jongwoon waiting for him by his car, but the way he can feel the heat of his boyfriend’s gaze on him even from where he’s standing only makes him more excited for what he knows is to come, as though the anxiety he’s felt all day never even existed. He hopes his friends don’t notice how fidgety and impatient he is when he hurriedly tells them goodbye, and he leaves them to meet up with Jongwoon.

Jongwoon’s eyes are burning holes through him, and it makes Ryeowook feel so exposed that he gets shy for a moment and slows down in his track. The man smirks at him and pushes himself up from the driver’s door, and Ryeowook feels like his heart is beating a mile a minute as he closes the gap between them and finds refuge into Jongwoon’s arms before his boyfriend has the time to do anything.

Jongwoon smiles fondly at him, even though Ryeowook can’t see it, and he rests his right hand against the base of his nape, pulling him even closer against him. The man gently starts rubbing circles against the exposed skin with his thumb, and he feels the boy shiver and go lax under his touch.

And just as he’d anticipated, all of his negative emotions are missing from him now, and Jongwoon feels at peace.

Jongwoon chuckles when the boy’s grasp on him tightens even more—he wonders if his baby is even aware of how cute and precious he is, and he sighs when it hits him just _ how fucking whipped _ for him he is at this point. Yeah, he’s truly, sincerely fucked. But he can’t find it in himself to care right now. Ryeowook deserves to be taken care of in the best way possible, and Jongwoon is willing to try his hardest to provide for him, even if sometimes he feels unsuited for the role.

Ryeowook pulls away from him as Jongwoon is too busy _ thinking _ to be aware of it, and he’s brought back to Earth when he feels Ryeowook’s lips on his for a second; the boy is blushing, still feeling a bit bashful about initiating any public display of affection even after all this time, and Jongwoon is left with unshakeable feelings of pride and joy that his baby is finally comfortable enough to show people _ they’re together _ without him having to do anything.

Ryeowook falls back on his heels and smiles shyly at him.

“Don’t think you can get away with just that,” Jongwoon jokingly scolds him, and he cups the boy’s face in his hands as he leans down to bring his lips closer to his boyfriend’s. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day.”

Jongwoon closes the gap between them, kissing Ryeowook with an urgency that bespeaks of his impatience to have him in his arms again, to himself, and the boy lets himself be guided by Jongwoon’s actions until the man turns them around to press Ryeowook against the driver’s door, as though the older man had momentarily forgotten that they were out in public, _ surrounded _ by people.

He really wasn’t kidding when he said he’d been eager to see him again, Ryeowook figures out.

Jongwoon eventually brings the kiss to an end, but he doesn’t seem to pay any mind to the weird looks he’s getting his way. _ At least they know his baby is in good hands, and that he cares a lot for him. _

“I was only gone for four hours,” Ryeowook chuckles, amused by the irony of Jongwoon being the needy one for once. He can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it.

“I know,” Jongwoon murmurs, and he drops his hands down to Ryeowook’s hips to hold him against his, so the boy can feel just how _ eager _ he is. Ryeowook curses himself—why is it so fucking hot to him that the man is so unashamed to show how horny he is out in the open ? He knows no one else but him can tell, but shit, now he’s horny too, and he’s not even nearly as good as Jongwoon at keeping up a straight face in these circumstances. “But I didn’t want my baby to forget he’s got another lesson to be taught today.”

Ryeowook’s heart threatens to jump out of his chest. _ Fuck_. He’s so excited. “I didn’t forget,” he speaks, feigning guilt, even if he knows fully well that Jongwoon can see right through his scheme—which would be a lie if he claimed wasn’t done on purpose. “But I had a hard time focusing in class today, so I can’t promise you I’ll be a good student this time.”

Ryeowook can see the flames of lust igniting behind Jongwoon’s pupils then; he can also feel the man’s cock twitch against his thigh even through the rough fabric of his jeans, and he catches the way his jaw clenches as his grip on his hips turns almost painful. _ This _ is the Jongwoon he’s been wanting to meet for so long, and he thinks this is the first time he can witness it so clearly.

And, somehow, he doesn’t feel a single ounce of fear like he thinks he should.

“Oh, trust me. I won’t give you a choice but to learn, baby.” Jongwoon pushes himself off of him. “Get in the car. _ Now_.”

Ryeowook has barely gotten rid of his shoes when they get back home that Jongwoon is already all over him, restless, needy, and groaning in impatience and frustration into their heated kiss as he walks them blindly through the apartment. He manages to get rid of half of their clothes on their way, leaving them only with their bottoms on, and haphazardly throwing them onto furniture in passing without a care in the world; they can always clean up later, when Jongwoon is able to think beyond wanting to fuck Ryeowook into oblivion.

Jongwoon struggles to open the door to the bathroom, unable to focus on anything but his boyfriend, and they nearly lose their footing when they finally stumble into the room. It’s only when they reach the vanity in front of them that Jongwoon breaks the kiss to catch his breath, but he doesn’t pull away for very long; he lifts Ryeowook up to make him sit on the countertop, hands immediately flying to the front to unzip the boy’s jeans hastily and with little precision, and he buries his face into the crook of his neck to suck and nibble at the tender skin.

Ryeowook clings to Jongwoon, arms wrapped around his shoulders and a hand resting at the back of the man’s head, and his mind is so clouded by lust and his boyfriend’s suffocating, domineering aura that it takes him a minute to realize where they are exactly, and even then he can barely process it enough to think of questioning it—it certainly doesn’t help that Jongwoon’s hands and mouth on him are extremely distracting, either.

“Jongwoon, why are we—” Ryeowook feebly questions, but he’s cut off when Jongwoon growls in disapproval next to his ear—not at the boy’s confusion, though, but at the _ name_; until now, Jongwoon didn’t have a problem with Ryeowook using his name, but now he finds that he _ hates _ it, and if it weren’t for the fact that the boy isn’t used to it yet, he would’ve scolded him for it.

Sighing in frustration, Jongwoon takes a step back to look Ryeowook in the eye. Although he’d sounded almost angry seconds earlier, Ryeowook can only discern mischief and a sort of twisted excitement in his gaze, and for some reason, this makes him more concerned about Jongwoon’s plans for him.

“I want you to enjoy one last moment of _ mercy _ before I ruin you,” Jongwoon purrs next to his ear, and Ryeowook has to bite his tongue to prevent himself from cumming right then and there; he remembers the rules, and he’s gauged by now that he’s already in a tricky enough situation not to misbehave even more.

Jongwoon chuckles lowly as he feels the muscles of Ryeowook’s thighs tense up around him, and the man snakes a hand under his boyfriend’s unzipped pants to lightly push against the boy’s hard cock. Ryeowook gasps, and a whine escapes him when Jongwoon gently strokes his palm against the bulge; his fingers dig into Jongwoon’s shoulder and scalp, and the man places a delicate kiss onto the bruise forming on the boy’s neck from his earlier activities.

“Daddy’s gotta make sure his little boy is relaxed and ready for what’s to come.”

Jongwoon’s hands slide around Ryeowook’s sides, and he hooks his fingers under the waistband of the boy’s underwear just above his ass to let him know he wants to take his bottoms off. Ryeowook pulls himself up slightly without hesitation, hanging on to Jongwoon’s shoulders for support, and the man can’t help but smile at his obedience. _ He’s so easy_.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon praises him, and he gets rid of Ryeowook’s last pieces of clothing in one swift motion.

Jongwoon would be lying if he said he isn’t as needy and impatient as he knows Ryeowook is right now; the idea of taking things to the next level with his baby is thrilling, and for some strange reason, he’s not so deadly afraid of losing control as he expected to be. Even if he knows he’s acting on impulse and isn’t exactly careful about being gentle, Ryeowook looks so excited, so willing and responsive to him at the moment that he finds he’s unable to even worry about taking things too far.

_ They’re ready_. And Jongwoon doesn’t want to drag this on for longer than it should, even if the way Ryeowook is panting and shivering in his arms only ebbs him to tease further just to see more of it.

“Let’s get in the bath.”

Ryeowook nods, and he slowly—and very reluctantly—lets go of Jongwoon to allow the man to help him down the vanity. Although he’s still a bit confused as to what is happening and why Jongwoon insists on getting him to relax first even though he’s not exactly anxious about his punishment—agitated, yes, but not anxious—he decides not to question the man and fight back the urge to beg him to skip this part because he can barely contain himself. It doesn’t help that he’s painfully hard and on the verge of cumming for a few minutes now, but he trusts that Jongwoon knows what he’s doing better than he can.

It won’t change anything as far as results are concerned, anyway, so the boy convinces himself that he’ll be rewarded if he’s patient.

As the water fills up in the tub, Ryeowook watches intently as Jongwoon steps out of his pants and underwear, and his knees almost give out under his weight then; even after all this time, he still can’t understand how the man can have such an effect on him. He’s never wanted to submit so easily to anyone before, and he doesn’t think he would with anyone else.

Jongwoon just hits differently.

The man carelessly kicks his clothes further into the room, before turning his attention to Ryeowook, who looks so dazed and clueless standing there that Jongwoon feels immediately compelled to close the gap between them, and to take the boy back into his arms. He can tell from the way Ryeowook almost goes limp in his embrace that he’s falling into subspace, and the boy looks at him with needy eyes that tell Jongwoon everything he’s thinking right now.

Jongwoon smirks, and he brings one hand up to gently caress Ryeowook’s upper lip as he lets the other rest on the small of his back. “Oh no, baby, not this time,” Jongwoon denies him, and Ryeowook almost whines in protest even if he knew from the beginning the man wouldn’t give him what he wants. “You’ve already had your fun this morning.”

Jongwoon pushes on Ryeowook’s back to press their hips flush against each other’s, wanting the boy to feel how _ hard _ he is for him just to tease him more; god, he’s almost _ obsessed _ about how crazy Ryeowook goes for his cock. It’s so fucking hot he can’t find the words to describe it, and that says a lot coming from a _ writer_.

“Get in,” Jongwoon commands, pointing at the tub with a tilt of his head. He quickly turns the faucet off before climbing in in his turn, sitting on the other side facing the boy. There’s enough space for them to lie comfortably, but it’s small enough that their limbs tangle together, and the distance between them is shorter than an arm’s reach. It’s perfect.

Ryeowook sighs in content, and he gets why Jongwoon may have wanted them to do this in the first place. He hadn’t realized until now how much tension he’d actually accumulated inside of him, too overwhelmed by his eagerness to notice it, but he can feel it slowly evaporate from his body as he lets Jongwoon clean him, and he gets so into it that he’s convinced for a moment that he might fall asleep.

Then Jongwoon’s hand is on his cock, and he falls back against the side of the tub in pleasure. He’s been hard almost _ all day_; he gets scared for a moment thinking _ this _ might be his punishment, and fuck, he wants to cry—he believes he can take whatever Jongwoon throws his way, but this is absolute _ torture_. He’s nearly called his safeword because of it the night before, after all, and he lets out a choked cry when Jongwoon’s thumb brushes over the head.

Jongwoon looks at him, analyzing every single detail of the boy’s face to make sure he’s okay, and he never breaks eye contact as he gives Ryeowook one last stroke down his shaft to wrap his fingers around the base of his cock.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Jongwoon reassures him, although the devilish smirk that tugs at the corner of his lips contradicts this intention. “I’ll let you cum as many times as you want today. However… I can’t promise you’ll see it as a good thing when I’m done with you.” Ryeowook moans—Jongwoon can feel his little cock pulsing in his grasp, and he chuckles darkly. He can still bring Ryeowook over the edge with his words alone, and he feels so proud of his baby for making such an effort to respect his rules despite it. “In fact… I want you to cum _ right now._”

Jongwoon lets go of the boy completely, and he stares at the space between them as Ryeowook spills himself underwater; the man can feel it flow against his thigh, and he can’t take his eyes away from the beautiful mess Ryeowook’s just made as he wraps his arms loosely around his middle. He pulls the boy back up again, helping him sit straight, and he makes Ryeowook watch the scene in front of them along with him.

The boy is too far gone by now to really process anything that’s happening, though—the only thing that keeps him from completely floating away is Jongwoon’s hold on him, and the man chuckles to himself. It’s time.

“You already look fucked out of your mind and I haven’t even played with you yet,” Jongwoon mocks as he runs a hand through Ryeowook’s hair.

His words shake Ryeowook back to consciousness. It’s the first time the boy’s ever heard Jongwoon be so… condescending and derisive with him, and he has no idea how the fuck he can still manage to sound so weirdly caring even though Ryeowook suddenly feels like he’s got something to prove—as if he needs to make sure Jongwoon isn’t disappointed in him like he’s hinting at now. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to think he can’t handle it. He’s worked too hard to prove it’s the opposite to spoil it now.

“I’m okay,” Ryeowook promises, trying to sound as stern as possible despite how hard it is for him to form words. “I’m not ready to call it off yet. You said sorry doesn’t cut it… so I deserve to be punished, right..?”

Jongwoon stares at him for a moment; he can’t quite believe what he’s just heard, and fuck, if he was impatient before, now he’s completely restless. “That’s right,” he confirms. “But we’re gonna need to get out first for that, don’t you think ?”

Ryeowook nods, and he hangs on to Jongwoon’s arm as they get up and out of the tub. Jongwoon’s protective instincts kick in when the sudden contact with the cold air makes the boy shiver, and he keeps him almost flush against him as he helps Ryeowook to dry up with a warm towel.

“Ready ?” Jongwoon checks, looking for any sign of hesitation in the boy’s expression.

Ryeowook nods. “I am.”

Jongwoon smiles at him, giving him a quick kiss on the top of his head before he takes his hand in his and guides him to the bedroom. He can tell Ryeowook is a bit apprehensive, given Jongwoon hasn’t really given him any hints about what’s to come so far, but he’s glad his baby seems so into the idea of punishment in the first place. It took Jongwoon a while to think of a good one, but he’s confident that Ryeowook is going to love what he’s come up with.

“Get on the bed,” Jongwoon demands the moment he shuts the door behind him. “On your knees, facing the headboard.”

Ryeowook’s legs move on their own, as if they were commanded by Jongwoon himself. It’s becoming a lot more instinctual for him to obey the man without an ounce of hesitation now.

Jongwoon slowly walks to the dresser at the back of the room as Ryeowook does as he’s been told, and the boy can hear him rummage through a set of drawers in search of something. He wants to turn around and look, intrigued by what Jongwoon is doing, but he said to face the headboard, so Ryeowook will listen to him and wait patiently.

The boy hears a clicking noise as Jongwoon pulls something out of the drawer, followed by steps coming toward him. He can feel the mattress dip behind him as Jongwoon climbs on to kneel behind him, and a hand slowly comes to wrap around his throat before the man nuzzles into the side of his face. Ryeowook starts trembling—in fear or excitement, that he doesn’t know—and he gasps audibly when Jongwoon licks a stripe up the underside of his jaw teasingly.

The man’s _ energy _ and aura has shifted to something entirely different that Ryeowook’s never felt before. It’s dark, sinister, and yet so extremely alluring that the boy can’t help but melt into it, and he shivers when Jongwoon places a gentle kiss right below his earlobe.

“Tell me, sweetheart,” Jongwoon hums against his skin. “Do you remember what you told daddy this morning ?”

_ A lot of things_, Ryeowook thinks, and he spends a minute filtering through his memories to figure out what Jongwoon is referring to. “That I wanted to make you feel good ?” Ryeowook hesitates.

“Good,” the man praises. “We’re gonna test just how much you meant it tonight.” Jongwoon slowly lets go of the boy and climbs down the bed to walk over to the headboard under Ryeowook’s puzzled eyes. The man is holding something Ryeowook can’t make up behind his back in his right hand, and he reaches to the center with his other to tug at something there—a latch, Ryeowook discovers—to open it, revealing a little space big enough to hold a hook inside. Oh. _ Oh_. Shit. If it’s going where he thinks this is going, Ryeowook _ can’t fucking wait_. “So here’s what I’m thinking. I’ll cuff you to the bed so you’re unable to move your hands to _ touch me_,” Jongwoon continues, and Ryeowook has to resist the urge to just beg him to do it _ right now_. “And you won’t be able to do anything but _ take _ what I give you. You’ll be my little toy tonight, and I’ll use you until I’m satisfied… or until you can’t take it anymore. Whichever comes first. But that’ll be for _ you _ to decide.”

Jongwoon walks up to him, and he climbs back up onto the bed, this time facing him. He brings his hand up to lift Ryeowook’s chin so they can see eye-to-eye; his eyes are scrutinizing, intense and persistent, and it makes Ryeowook feel like he’s nothing more than Jongwoon’s _ possession _ in that moment.

“Remember what I’ve told you when we started this,” he recalls—the fondness and care in Jongwoon’s voice clashes directly with the sinister glimmer in his eyes, and this strange combination has Ryeowook shiver in a mix of excitement, apprehension, and arousal, because shit, Jongwoon’s entire being is like magic to him, as though he was the rightful owner of his body. As if he was the one who gets to decide what Ryeowook experiences and thinks, and the boy finds something so comforting and liberating about it.

Ryeowook realizes then what Jongwoon meant when he explained to him that some people find purpose, pleasure and safety by surrendering all power to someone else, because that’s exactly how he’s feeling right now.

“_You _ hold the reins here,” Jongwoon continues. “If it gets too much, you have the power to stop me. You know that, right ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms.

“Smart boy,” Jongwoon praises, lightly tapping Ryeowook’s cheek in encouragement. “Now tell me, does that sound like a fair punishment to you ?”

“It does,” Ryeowook answers, humming in approval.

“Good.” Jongwoon gives him one last loving kiss before shifting to the side. “Bend over. Arms in front of you.”

Ryeowook does as he’s told without question under Jongwoon’s lustful gaze, and lets his forearms rest against the pillows as the man pulls the pair of cuffs he’s been keeping behind his back this whole time—they’re made of black leather, with a chain tying the two rings together, and there’s another hook attached to the middle of it—and gently caresses Ryeowook’s arms before he ties up each of his wrists together and secures them to the hook.

Jongwoon marvels at the sight for a second. Ryeowook looks so pretty tied up like this he almost wishes he could keep him in cuffs forever, even if he knows it’s something he’d never do in reality.

Jongwoon sighs, and he grabs the bottle of lube on his bedside table as he kneels behind the boy once again. He sets it to his side carelessly, and his hands immediately find themselves on Ryeowook’s ass to caress and knead at the flesh gently. Ryeowook tugs on his restraints as a reflex, and he can feel his cock leak between his legs when it finally hits him that he _ can’t escape_—he can’t do anything but let himself be claimed by Jongwoon, and he thinks he might be able to cum just from the thought.

“Remind me…” Jongwoon hums as he exposes Ryeowook’s needy little hole out to him. “What are you ?”

“I’m your little fucktoy,” Ryeowook states, but his voice lacks confidence. Not that Jongwoon really minds it, because it makes the boy sound completely innocent, and god it’s so fucking hot to him that he can’t wait to fuck him senseless. He doesn’t have the patience for more teasing at this point.

“What are you good for ?”

“To be used by you.”

Ryeowook hides into the bend of his elbow in shame. He fucking loves knowing he’s useful to Jongwoon, but there’s something about having to admit it out loud that makes it so embarrassing, and he’s even more ashamed that he’s so fucking aroused by that.

Content with Ryeowook’s answer, Jongwoon grabs the lube next to him and lets a generous amount drip onto his fingers. He doesn’t care about warming it up a bit before making contact with Ryeowook’s little hole, and the boy jumps at the cold. His cuffs dig into his wrists as he pulls on them again, and he’s fucking glad Jongwoon allowed him to cum as many times as he wants tonight because he almost does right then. He won't be able to hold on much longer.

And neither does Jongwoon, because seeing Ryeowook so responsive and _ so pretty _ under him makes him go wild, and his own cock sits painfully against the boy’s thigh just begging to be inside of him. He wants to ruin him. He wants to ravish him until Ryeowook can’t take anymore and begs him to stop. He wants to possess him, to own him completely, and to let him know that he’s his to use like this, and that Jongwoon fucking enjoys this power trip and control he has over him. And it’s so fucking hot to him that Ryeowook enjoys it too.

Ryeowook cums the second Jongwoon slides two fingers inside of him at once, the sudden, unexpected and abrupt stretch of them stimulating all of the sensitive nerves of his rim, and Jongwoon can almost feel his own pulse beating in his cock at the scene.

“You’re so goddamn _ easy_,” Jongwoon curses, and he grabs Ryeowook’s ass cheek with his free hand to use as leverage to push his fingers in as far as they can go. “It’s like your little ass was made just to get fucked. That’s what’s so fucking sexy about you. It’s like you were made just to be _ mine_.”

Ryeowook whimpers at his words, and he tries to push his ass back against Jongwoon’s fingers as much as he can. Jongwoon lets him, because he takes it as a green light to add another one, stretching the boy so good his cock doesn’t even have time to rest before it’s painfully hard again—and now he sees why Jongwoon warned him that this might not be a good thing for him in the end.

Ryeowook holds his breath when Jongwoon withdraws his fingers, trying not to protest at the uncomfortable emptiness he feels then; Jongwoon is right in a way, because Ryeowook thinks he’d live his life attached to his cock if he could. There’s nothing that can compare to this feeling, and the boy would be lying if he said he hadn’t grown addicted to it by now.

Jongwoon’s truly shifted everything about his body, and Ryeowook thinks it might be for the better.

Jongwoon barely gives Ryeowook a heads up before he enters him, too fucking impatient to utter more than a groan and leaving the boy only a second to feel the tip of his cock poking at his hole. Ryeowook bites back a moan, and Jongwoon grunts in displeasure at the strangled sound because he wants—he _ needs _ to hear Ryeowook right now.

“Don’t you fucking dare hold back your moans,” Jongwoon nearly growls as he leans over the boy to pull on his hair. “You’re gonna show me how much you love being full of my cock. You’re gonna tell me how much you enjoy being my little fucktoy. You’re gonna fucking _ prove _ to me that you meant what you said and that you want to be used by me like the naughty little boy you know you are.”

Ryeowook doesn’t see his orgasm coming, but it hits him like a fucking truck when Jongwoon lets go of him and his head falls back onto the mattress with force. The man doesn’t even let him process anything before he’s thrusting into him, too, and Ryeowook thinks he might end up breaking the cuffs if he keeps pulling on them this hard. He’s not holding back his moans anymore; he’s unable to, not when Jongwoon is fucking into him like that, like he’s nothing more than a sex doll he can throw away if it breaks.

And he doesn’t regret any of the things he’s done that lead to this moment. He doesn’t think he ever will.

“Your little hole is taking me so well, baby,” Jongwoon purrs. “Guess my little doll still has some more uses to him than I thought.”

Ryeowook’s cock doesn’t get a break even then, and the strain is growing more painful by the minute. He doesn’t think he can cum anymore. The sheets under him are so soaked he can feel his cum seeping under his knees, and his cock is twitching uncontrollably as if it were trying to protest and telling Ryeowook that _ it’s enough_.

“Look at that,” Jongwoon sneers, staring at the mess all over the sheets. “You’ve made such a mess, baby boy.”

“M’sorry—” Ryeowook moans out, the force of Jongwoon’s deep, steady thrusts making it hard for him to speak.

“Oh no, angel, don’t be sorry,” Jongwoon counters, but he sounds so belittling that Ryeowook can’t tell if he’s sincere or not. “You’re gonna cum until your little balls are completely empty, until you can no longer feel your tiny cock from overuse, and I won’t fucking stop until you’re so fucked out and full of my cum you won’t be able to support your own weight. So be a good little doll and fucking _ take it_.”

Jongwoon cums then, forcing an orgasm out of himself even if he knows he could’ve lasted for longer. The thought of filling up his baby up with his seed is so fucking _ beautiful _ to him that he fully intends on making it a reality, especially given the boy is so goddamn good at receiving it.

Jongwoon pulls out of him so he can flip the boy around and make him lie on his back; he wants to see his face now, to look him in the eye as he pushes into him once again, to see how fucking beautiful he is taking his cock like he was born to do it, and Jongwoon wonders for a moment about what he did to deserve to have someone so goddamn perfect for him in his life.

The man leans down to capture the boy’s lips in his, pulling him into a deep but lazy kiss, and Ryeowook is so fucked out it almost feels like he’s on auto-pilot when he responds with energy he doesn’t think he even has. Jongwoon is still moving into him even as his cock grows soft, and he spends a moment just kissing the boy until he’s struggling to breathe as he waits for his cooldown period to end.

Ryeowook sobs when he can feel Jongwoon’s cock grow hard inside of him a few minutes later, and there’s yet another orgasm that’s being ripped from him at how fucking amazing the sensation is—it’s almost dizzying.

Ryeowook is so fucking spent at this point that he barely has the energy to moan anymore. His breathing is weak and shallow, and his eyelids feel so heavy it’s almost painful to keep them open. Both his and Jongwoon’s bodies are covered in sweat, some dripping down the tips of the man’s bangs onto the boy’s chest, yet somehow Jongwoon looks like he can still go on for hours, and Ryeowook wants to cry.

“_Daddy_,” he whimpers, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. “Daddy, please, I can’t take any more…”

Jongwoon looks up at him, and the smirk that tugs at the corner of his lips then is the only warning Ryeowook gets before he delivers a particularly sharp thrust that has the boy’s vision turn white and his ears ringing for a split second; he’s actually crying, now, but it only seems to ebb the man even more.

“I know you can, baby,” he speaks softly, voice low and raspy. “And you _ will_. Come on now, cum one last time for daddy.”

Ryeowook doesn’t know how he manages to do it, but he’s cumming yet again, dry and agonizing—he’s lost count of how many it’s been by now, and he chokes on a sob. He’s beyond sensitive at this point, to the brim of numbness, and he can feel every single inch of Jongwoon’s cock stretching him open tenfold now. The boy looks absolutely wrecked under him, and he’s clenching so hard on the man that he’s struggling to move; he has to hook Ryeowook’s legs around his waist to give him a better angle to pound into him, and his grunts grow more uneven as he goes on.

“I’m gonna cum again,” he growls into his ear. “And you’re gonna be a good little doll and take it all once more. Don’t let a single drop go to waste or we’re doing this all over again.”

Ryeowook can feel Jongwoon’s cock twitch inside of him, his tip pushing against his most sensitive spot as it does, and he fills him up so much Ryeowook can feel his lower belly warm up; Jongwoon is cumming so much that he thinks it might overflow soon, and the man bends down to pull the boy back into a rough, sloppy kiss. He forces him to keep his legs up around him, and Ryeowook can feel every single cumshot shoot through him. It’s driving him insane, and he can’t stop moaning into the kiss.

“Yeah, that’s it, baby,” Jongwoon murmurs as he breaks away, but he stays close enough that Ryeowook can feel his breath on his face. “Take it like the good little cum dump you are.” There’s a grunt that escapes him at his words, and he bites his lip as he thrusts into the boy one last time to push his cum as deep inside of him as possible. His eyes roll back for a second—it’s _ so _ much. It’s so fucking much to take, but Ryeowook does it because Jongwoon gave the order, and he’s his obedient little toy.

When he feels Ryeowook’s body go lax under him as the very last drop of his energy leaves him, Jongwoon reaches up to grab the boy’s jaw in his hand, catching it in an iron grip that makes it hard for Ryeowook to breathe, and he looks at him with dark eyes full of desire and burning with a sombre light that makes the boy feel so small and insignificant under him.

“No no baby, it’s not bedtime yet,” he scolds, and he finally pulls out of him, leaving Ryeowook with this insufferable emptiness that almost has him begging Jongwoon to enter him again. “We still have more things to do before you can sleep.”

Jongwoon pulls back, and he stares intently at Ryeowook’s clenching hole as he desperately tries to keep his cum from leaking, and the man chuckles darkly at his struggle to do so.

“Looks like my little boy is gonna need help,” he teases, and Ryeowook whimpers at his words because fuck, how can he sound so hot while being so degrading ?

Jongwoon cups Ryeowook’s little hole with his hand, and he slides two fingers in without warning. The boy can feel him play with his cum inside of him, and his mind goes completely blank—he can barely feel his own body anymore, and the only thing he’s able to focus on is Jongwoon’s deep, sultry voice speaking to him.

“You’re still clenching,” Jongwoon notes. “Was my cock really that good, baby ?” Ryeowook instantly nods, unable to speak. “Of course it was. You can’t get enough of it, can you ? Look at you. Such a desperate mess…” Jongwoon leans down to press a kiss on Ryeowook’s pulse, right below his ear, and he lingers there for a moment. “And you’ve done so well, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

Jongwoon holds the boy close, and he reaches up to unclasp the cuffs so Ryeowook can move again. The younger man loops his arms, still cuffed at the wrists, around Jongwoon’s shoulders, and he clings to him as he comes back down to earth.

Jongwoon stares at the ceiling, and for the first time in a long time, he’s not able to think about _ anything_. There’s no self-doubt, no stress about his writing, no worries about where life is taking him. The only thing there is Ryeowook, cuddled up in his arms as they lie peacefully in the dark in the fresh bed sheets Jongwoon pulled up after he’d gotten the boy cleaned up. They didn’t bother to put any clothes on this time, preferring to just bask in the skin-to-skin contact and the warmth it brings them, and Jongwoon feels _ light_.

“Jongwoon..?” he hears the boy mumble against his chest sleepily.

“Hm ?” Jongwoon turns to him.

“Am I… a good sub ?”

Jongwoon frowns, and he turns fully to his side to face the boy and look him in the eye. “Why are you asking that ?” he questions, concerned, and his stomach tangles into knots at the thought of Ryeowook being upset—especially if it’s because of something _ he’s _ done.

Ryeowook shrugs weakly. “I don’t know…” he hesitates for a second. “I guess I’m just… scared I’m holding you back ?”

Jongwoon’s heart drops in his chest, and he brings a hand up to stroke the boy’s cheek to comfort him. “Hey… why do you think that ?”

“I’m scared I’m just… preventing you from doing what you want because I’m inexperienced,” he admits, almost sounding ashamed, and he looks so hurt that Jongwoon can’t help it when he engulfs the boy in a tight hug.

“Oh, baby, please don’t think that,” Jongwoon almost begs him. “You’re not holding me back, I promise. I love taking my time with you and exploring the things you’re into. You’re not forcing me to do anything, okay ?”

Ryeowook nuzzles into Jongwoon’s chest, letting the man’s embrace calm him. “Okay…” he repeats, although he’s still unsure. “But… if you ever want to take things further… you can. I loved everything we did so far, so… I trust you. I know you’ll keep me safe even if things get scary.”

Jongwoon’s heart skips a beat. It takes him a while to fully process what Ryeowook is telling him, because it almost sounds too perfect for him to believe it actually happened. Ryeowook trusts him. He _ blindly _ trusts him, and he’s giving Jongwoon the green light to take him into directions the boy doesn’t even know anything about.

Jongwoon doesn’t think he’s ever been happier in his entire life than in this exact moment, and he can’t control his impulse to pull the boy into a passionate, loving kiss, hoping to let Ryeowook know how thankful he is to have him in his life. Jongwoon’s not very good with words, not when it comes to this sort of thing, but he prays Ryeowook can understand what he wants to tell him.

“God, baby,” he breathes low, forcing himself to break the kiss even if he really doesn’t want to. “You’re so fucking perfect, you know that ? Don’t ever think you’re not good enough for me. You’re the best I’ve ever had.”

Ryeowook looks up at him with wide eyes, and tears threaten to fall down his cheeks in pure bliss.

The boy reaches up to push Jongwoon’s head down, initiating the kiss this time around, and it escalates further than the first one had a lot quicker. Ryeowook doesn’t have much experience in this field, but he can tell without the shadow of a doubt that he’s _ in love _ with Jongwoon, and there’s no coming back for him—at least he doesn’t think so.

“Don’t you dare ever leave me,” Jongwoon speaks against his lips, refusing to break the kiss this time, before he goes back to fully showing the boy his gratitude and affection for him.


	9. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so.  
I nearly died of cringe because of how much fluff there is in this chapter, it's disgusting. I hate that YeWook are like this irl sometimes. Speaking of which, they did a bunch of stuff this week that weirdly match up with this chapter after I wrote those parts, so now I'm paranoid that they're able to read my thoughts.
> 
> Anyway. This is the last chapter where I keep what happened between Hyukjae and Jongwoon intentionally vague. Chapter 10 onwards will just drop all the bombs I've been foreshadowing since chapter 1, so stay tuned for that.
> 
> Once again, I want to thank [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for putting up with my shit and working with me for 6-8 hours every day on this stupid fic of mine.
> 
> And as always, you can [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) if you wanna get updates on the fic and join me in delulu jail because YeWook are too real and I cry.

Ryeowook almost whines out loud when he stirs out of his peaceful sleep. He’d felt so warm and relaxed under the covers, huddled in Jongwoon’s arms with his back pressed against the man’s bare chest, that waking up and suddenly becoming aware of the world around him bothers him.

He can tell by Jongwoon’s breathing against his neck that the man is still asleep, which is a rare occurrence; he’s usually the last to fall asleep and the first to wake up, and Ryeowook’s heart warms up at the thought that Jongwoon must feel so serene at the moment. Although he’s never said anything about it, Ryeowook’s noticed that his boyfriend’s been on edge and stressed out all week. He knows Jongwoon well enough by now to pick up on certain cues, like how the man seems to space out a lot and be more clingy than usual—he knows something is bothering him, but he can’t pinpoint what it is exactly.

At least Jongwoon can rely on him for comfort, or at least he thinks so, and Ryeowook is glad about that.

Thinking Jongwoon still being asleep means he’s woken up very early, Ryeowook tries to reach out for his phone on the bedside table in front of him, but he realizes that this is an absolutely horrible idea when the muscles in his arm stiffen and pull at each other, and he’s forced to abandon this plan.

It took him a moment to become aware of it, but now that he’s fully awake, he can feel every tissue in his body tug in all directions, and he decides remaining perfectly still is the best course of action, at least for now.

He can’t help the smile creeping up on him when he remembers what happened for him to be so sore; warmth builds up in his stomach at the memory, although he can’t deny that the fact that _ Jongwoon’s cock is still inside of him _ is an important contributing factor too.

This pain is totally worth it, he thinks, when he recalls all the things Jongwoon’s done to him last night—and he’s not just thinking about the punishment. What happened after Ryeowook’s bout of insecurity had been a completely different experience of its own, and the boy feels giddy about it. He doesn’t want to call it _ fucking _ or even _ having sex_; it was so unlike anything they’ve done before that Ryeowook can only describe it as _ making love_, as cheesy as it sounds to him.

Jongwoon _ made love _ to him, and Ryeowook couldn’t be happier than he is now for anything else.

Ryeowook lets out a small giggle, but instantly regrets it when his abs feel like they’re about to tear. “_Ow_,” he sobs quietly, although the giant smile plastered on his face never disappears. He’s so happy he could actually cry.

Jongwoon shifts behind him then, and the man’s arms tighten around his middle. Ryeowook feels the wetness of his lips against his nape right after—Jongwoon’s awake, probably brought back to consciousness by Ryeowook’s whine, and the boy shivers despite him.

Goddamn this man and the effect he has on him. It’s not fair.

“Morning,” Jongwoon slurs against his skin sleepily before readjusting his position a little and bringing one of his arms up to curl around Ryeowook’s chest to prevent him from moving. “How are you feeling..?”

Ryeowook surprises himself thinking sleepy Jongwoon is just downright adorable. He realizes he’s never actually seen him right as he woke up—there’s only been one other time where Ryeowook was the first to get up, and he’d left Jongwoon sleeping to go and make dinner for them then.

“What time is it..?” Ryeowook asks instead, averting the question.

Jongwoon groans lowly as he forces himself to look at the alarm clock on his side of the bed over his shoulder, and rubs the sleep out of his eyes when the aggressive blue neon light blinds him. “Eleven,” he mumbles, only realizing what it means about thirty seconds later. “Ah, shit, you’re late…”

“It’s okay,” Ryeowook sighs happily. He doesn’t care about missing school this time around. “I don’t think I would’ve been able to go anyway.”

“Too tired or too sore ?” Jongwoon questions as he buries his nose in the hair at the back of Ryeowook’s head.

“Both,” the boy giggles. His abs hurt again, but he doesn’t stop laughing even as he complains again.

“Sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes quietly. “Did I go too hard on you ?”

“No,” Ryeowook rushes to answer. “It was… _ perfect._”

Jongwoon closes his eyes again, subconsciously bringing the boy even closer to him as he starts humming absentmindedly.

Jongwoon scans through his memories of the previous night, and some unfamiliar feeling tugs at his chest when he realizes just _ how much _ he’s let his emotions control him then, as though a synapse had snapped inside his mind and he’d lost his inhibition for a moment—a moment that lasted for hours, and that he seemingly hadn’t been able to stop. He doesn’t know if he had ever wished to do so, at any point.

“I don’t think I need to say this,” Ryeowook continues, bringing Jongwoon back to reality before his mind can spiral down and reach territories it shouldn’t be allowed to go in. “And it might have been rhetorical, but I want to make sure you know, just in case.” The boy bites the inside of his cheek nervously, and he fights against his soreness to place his hand on top of Jongwoon’s, which is resting against his lower stomach. “About what you said last night… I hope you know that you didn’t need to ask me that. I don’t want to leave you. I’d be the stupidest guy to have ever walked the face of the Earth if I did.”

Jongwoon, wide eyed and in disbelief of what he’s just heard, immediately reaches up to Ryeowook’s chin to gently turn it to the side with two of his fingers so the boy can look at him; Ryeowook ignores his muscle pain and lets himself be guided by the man as much as he can, wincing as his ass pushes against Jongwoon’s crotch and he feels his boyfriend’s cock brushing against the oversensitive nerves inside of him.

It hurts and it’s uncomfortable. So why is Ryeowook aroused by this ?

“I promise I’ll always do my best to not even let you _ think _ of leaving me,” Jongwoon speaks, although his oath almost sounds more like a threat than anything else.

The man leans down to capture Ryeowook’s lips in his, pulling him into a slow, lazy and shallow kiss just to emphasize his point.

“You’re doing a good job so far,” Ryeowook quips, and Jongwoon’s lips are on his again.

“I’m glad we’ll be able to spend the day together,” Jongwoon confesses, and he gives Ryeowook one last quick peck before he pulls away and lets his head fall back onto his pillow, wrapping his arms back around the boy once again to keep him close.

“You’re so clingy,” Ryeowook laughs, dramatically rolling his eyes in exasperation, but both he and Jongwoon know he loves it in reality.

“Coming from the same person who insisted that I keep my cock inside of him for the whole night…” Jongwoon retorts, voice low and teasing, and he pushes on Ryeowook’s lower stomach to press his ass as flush to him as possible. “I don’t think you’re allowed to judge, baby boy.”

Ryeowook can feel every inch of Jongwoon’s cock as it shifts inside of him—even the smallest movement makes him extremely reactive, and the head throbbing against his prostate is almost too much stimulation for him to bear. His own cock is standing straight between his legs and the simple contact of the bed sheets against the sensitive nerves sends chills up and down his spine at high speeds. Ryeowook tries to move a little, hoping it would help him in some way, but he quickly finds out that it just makes things so much worse and he can’t tell if it’s painful or pleasurable anymore.

Jongwoon chuckles. “It feels nice to just be like this,” he sighs. “But it looks like my baby is having trouble staying still.”

Jongwoon presses a delicate kiss on the back of Ryeowook’s shoulder, and he trails his right hand down to cup the boy’s cock in his hand; however, instead of playing with Ryeowook like the younger man expects, Jongwoon just keeps it there, moving nothing but his thumb along the underside with a feather-like touch. Ryeowook reflexively tries to back away, but he finds that he can’t move as he’s completely trapped in Jongwoon’s embrace, and the boy whines in protest.

“Shh, angel,” Jongwoon hushes. “Stay calm. You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook mumbles. “It’s just…”

“Sore ?” Jongwoon guesses. “Sensitive ?”

“Yeah,” the boy nods. “Both.”

“Want me to pull out ?”

“No,” Ryeowook assures him. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure ?”

“Hm-hm,” he nods again, biting his lower lip in a feeble attempt to distract himself from the overload of sensations traversing his body.

Ryeowook feels Jongwoon’s lips curve into a contented smile against his skin, and for some reason, it relaxes him. Usually, it means the man is about to pull one of his tricks out of his sleeve, but this time around, Ryeowook doesn’t feel that vibe coming from his boyfriend.

“I meant everything I said last night,” Jongwoon blurts out of nowhere. “You’re perfect to me, so please stop doubting yourself. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be by my side.”

Although Jongwoon’s called him _ perfect _ multiple times before, Ryeowook doesn’t remember a time where the man has sounded so sincere and open about his feelings than he does now, and he almost feels like crying of joy just from that alone. What he doesn’t know, though, is that there’s so much more Jongwoon wants to tell him right now, but that he can’t find the courage to say these things out loud, not yet.

Jongwoon thinks back on the conversation he’s had with Heechul yesterday, how his friend had suggested him to open up and talk about his worries with Ryeowook to make sure he’s not being delusional, that what they have is real and not a repeat of the same mirage it had been with Hyukjae, but the words refuse to come out when he tries to follow this advice. He just hopes Ryeowook understands.

Ryeowook’s fingers tangle with Jongwoon’s hand on his stomach, and Jongwoon takes it as a sign that his hopes weren’t in vain in the end. He’s so relieved, and he starts nibbling lightly at Ryeowook’s skin as a playful ‘thank you’, although his boyfriend seems to take it in a different way.

“Jongwoon…” Ryeowook moans breathily as he reflexively thrusts his hips back against Jongwoon’s, only to be stopped by the man almost right away.

Ryeowook whines as Jongwoon’s hand leaves his cock to hold him at the waist, and the man pushes him back down on his cock so he can stay there; the boy’s thighs are starting to get sticky with precum now, leaving him to wonder _ how the fuck _ can he manage to be so horny despite being so sore and oversensitive, and his mind is too clouded by lust to understand why Jongwoon keeps denying him so much. Ryeowook can feel how hard the man is inside of him—he can feel every single inch of his cock pulsing against his walls, and even the slightest drop of precum that pools out of the slit doesn’t go unnoticed by him. So _ why the hell_..?

“Stay put, baby,” Jongwoon shushes him calmly. He gives Ryeowook’s earlobe a quick kitten lick before taking it gently between his teeth, teasing him and sending chills down the boy’s spine yet again.

“I need—” Ryeowook tries to protest, but he’s interrupted when Jongwoon pulls on his hips and rolls them against his, and fuck, this feels so good.

“I know,” Jongwoon states as he continues to slowly rock Ryeowook’s hips in gentle motions. “But you’ll get hurt if you get too impatient. Let daddy take care of you.”

Ryeowook doesn’t argue further. He doesn’t have the strength to, not when Jongwoon speaks to him like this, so caring yet firm and dominating—not when he’s moving him this way, circling his hips up and down in a slow and steady manner, that makes him feel so good he forgets about his body aching from overexertion. It reminds him of the night they’d just spent together, where it had just been he and him wanting to be close, to merge their souls together as one, to let the other know how they truly felt about the other. Although last night had been a lot rougher and passionate, the feeling is still the same, and Ryeowook lets his mind cloud over with this unfamiliar but comforting feeling he can’t put a name on yet.

Jongwoon finds it surprising that he doesn’t feel the need to make things escalate further. He’s content with having Ryeowook just like this, back pressed against his chest, his cock buried inside of him as far as it can go, and the boy blessing his ears with quiet moans as he guides him, slowly leading him up to orgasm. The man understands that nothing he’s doing right now is about getting off; he just wants to be close to Ryeowook, to share this rare moment of true intimacy with him before they have to get up, and curiously, he’s okay with that.

Ryeowook only regains his grasp on reality when Jongwoon fills him up with his cum, and it’s suddenly brought to his attention that he’d also been pushed over the edge at one point when he feels his own seed run down his thigh. He’d cum without his knowledge, but it feels strangely as satisfying as if he had been aware of it, and he smiles to himself.

Jongwoon wraps his arms tightly around his waist, resting his forehead against the spot connecting his nape to his upper back to try and catch his breath. Ryeowook brings his own arms down to cover Jongwoon’s, wishing the embrace would never end.

He’s unable to process everything that’s just happened.

The boy turns his head around to the side to look at Jongwoon over his shoulder. The man lifts himself up to meet his eyes from above, and he bends down to kiss the bewilderment off of the younger man’s face happily. Then, Jongwoon slowly pulls out, his now soft cock sliding out more easily and with less strain on Ryeowook’s body, but the boy still lets out a discontented whine at the sudden friction and emptiness that replaces it.

Jongwoon chuckles, amused but a bit apologetic. “How about we just have a lazy day in..?” he suggests against the boy’s lips. Ryeowook nods dazedly; somehow, this plan sounds wonderful to him, even if he usually hates spending the day doing nothing productive.

Suddenly reminded of something at this thought, Ryeowook ignores the strain of his muscles as he gathers what little strength he has left to grab his phone on the bedside table in front of him under Jongwoon’s puzzled gaze. His lockscreen turns on with a million notifications—okay, maybe not that much, but it certainly feels like it—of text messages he’s received from Sungmin, just as he expected.

Jongwoon peaks over the boy’s shoulder as he unlocks his phone—looks like he’s finally put a password on it, about damn time—and rolls his eyes dramatically when he sees Sungmin’s name on the screen and the thirteen text messages he’s sent in maybe the past thirty minutes or so.

“Is Sungmin always like this with you ?” Jongwoon grumbles against his shoulder, failing to completely conceal his annoyance.

“You mean overprotective ?” Ryeowook checks.

“_Overbearing_,” Jongwoon corrects.

Ryeowook chuckles; if he didn’t know better, he’d almost think his boyfriend is being jealous. “Yeah,” he admits. “He has a tendency to overthink a lot and come up with impossible scenarios the minute I do something unusual, but I know he’s just looking out for me.”

“I can’t hold _ that _ against him,” Jongwoon begrudgingly agrees. “But I’d never text you every hour of the day to know what you’re doing. Doesn’t it annoy you ?”

Ryeowook stays silent for a minute as he focuses on his reply to Sungmin to let him know that _ yes, he’s okay, he’s just feeling a bit sick and decided to stay in_. “Yeah, sometimes.” Ryeowook puts his phone down next to him, and he turns around to face Jongwoon to cuddle up to him. “I hate when he babies me. All my friends have a tendency to do that and it gets on my nerves. I don’t like it.”

Jongwoon’s heart skips a beat, because now he thinks this might be Ryeowook’s way of telling _ him _ to stop doing it too, and he starts feeling guilty. “You don’t like being babied ?”

“When it’s you, I really like it,” Ryeowook immediately replies, no doubt in his mind. “Because you never act like I can’t do things on my own or make my own decisions. It’s not belittling. My friends… they just seem to think I’m actually five years old and need someone to constantly tell me what to do.”

Jongwoon grimaces. He almost feels as annoyed by what Ryeowook is telling him as the boy himself, both because he can tell he’s upset, but also because the idea of someone else calling _ his _ baby that same nickname doesn’t sit well with him.

“They have no business doing that to you,” Jongwoon mumbles. He means to sound frustrated, but he really only comes off as sulky, which Ryeowook notices right away. “You’re a grown man. And you’re _ my _ baby. _ Mine _ and mine _ alone_.”

“Maybe they would stop if I told them that,” Ryeowook humours him. Jongwoon’s possessiveness is kind of cute, he has to admit, because it doesn’t come off as bossy and oppressive, and he knows Jongwoon would never ask him to stay away from his friends because he’s jealous. No, the man comes off more like a child sulking because another kid got to play with their favourite toy first, and it’s weirdly adorable to see a man like Jongwoon act like that.

“Maybe you should,” Jongwoon plays along, even though he can tell Ryeowook is just saying that to please him, and he moves on to suck on Ryeowook’s neck, already littered with hickeys and love bites from the night before. “Or maybe I should leave my mark on you so they can’t have any doubt.”

“Like what ?” Ryeowook asks, struggling to contain his laughter. “Are you gonna tattoo _ ‘I belong to Kim Jongwoon’ _ on my body ?”

“I was thinking of making you wear a shirt that says _ ‘Kim Jongwoon’s baby’ _ on it,” Jongwoon jokes. “But if you want me to tattoo it on you, we—”

“I swear to God, Kim Jongwoon,” Ryeowook breaks into laughter and Jongwoon follows him suit. “You’re such a big _ baby_.”

Jongwoon pulls away to look at the boy and flip him over on his back, and he leans over him, pretending to be offended by his words. “Who are _ you _ to call me a baby ?”

“Takes one to know one,” Ryeowook retorts, shrugging, and he loosely wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s neck.

Jongwoon is about to exert his revenge when Ryeowook’s stomach grumbles, and both men look at each other in complete silence for a minute before they start laughing again. Jongwoon leans down to press his body against the boy’s, still making sure he doesn’t crush him, and he quickly pecks his lips to tease him.

“Looks like baby number one is hungry,” he mocks playfully, sliding a hand between their bodies to caress Ryeowook’s stomach. “I thought being so full of daddy’s cum would sustain him a bit longer, but I guess I was wrong.” Ryeowook’s breathing picks up as he’s taken aback by Jongwoon’s bold comment, and he can feel his entire body blush under the man. “Stay here. I’ll go make us something.”

Ryeowook cocks an eyebrow, doubtful. “You ? Cooking ?”

“It might not be my strong suit,” Jongwoon concedes as he gets up and hops out of bed, “but how hard can it be to follow a recipe online ?”

Ryeowook watches intently as Jongwoon walks up to his dresser and pulls out a pair of boxer briefs out of the top right drawer at random. He still can’t believe how sexy his boyfriend actually is. Jongwoon looks nothing like what people would usually describe as manly, as he’s quite lean and of average height—or maybe a little taller, but just by a small margin—but everything about his demeanour is, from the way he carries himself, talks, and the energy he exudes, and that’s what causes Ryeowook to be so fucking weak for him.

“Please don’t burn the kitchen down,” Ryeowook jokes as he snaps back to reality.

“I’ll try not to,” Jongwoon winks at him. He closes the door behind him as he gets out of the room, leaving Ryeowook to rest and recover, and he’s both looking forward to and apprehending what’s going to come out of Jongwoon’s cooking. He’s never actually seen or tasted his food before, but Jongwoon’s admitted to him that he doesn’t cook much besides the basic stuff, so he’s really curious about the outcome.

As it turns out, following a simple recipe he found online is harder than Jongwoon would’ve thought. Mixing the proper ingredients together isn’t a problem, but he gets stuck for longer than he probably should have because he doesn’t know how much salt he’s supposed to add. “Salt to taste” doesn’t mean anything to him, and he’s worried he’s going to put too much by accident—and that’s not even mentioning the part where he’s supposed to fry the eggs in the pan. The only thing he knows he didn’t fuck up is the rice, so at least he can console himself thinking there’s at least one thing on the plate that’s edible, but he knows his performance is extremely underwhelming.

As he clumsily rolls the omelette onto the pan, he thinks he may have slightly overcooked them too, but at this point he’s resolved to accepting the fact that Ryeowook is probably going to laugh at him. And he’s okay with that, because he really deserves it.

Jongwoon looks over at the recipe one last time, and he grimaces when he reads that he’s supposed to top the omurice with ketchup—something he knows he doesn’t have, because he hates ketchup—and ultimately decides to ignore this part and make do without it. He can always come back if Ryeowook thinks it needs something else, which, looking at the result, it probably does. Aesthetically, it doesn’t look bad; it’s the taste and texture he’s not sure about, but he hopes Ryeowook will still be able to eat it.

Sighing, Jongwoon rummages through the cupboards looking for something he can use as a tray, and he ultimately settles on an oven plate he probably hasn’t used in years; it doesn’t look nearly as glamorous as an actual tray, but he guesses that’ll have to do. He makes a mental note to buy one, though, because there’s something about having breakfast in bed with Ryeowook that sounds really appealing to him.

Ryeowook is sitting on his bed when he opens the door, quietly scrolling down his phone and giggling at something he sees. Jongwoon carefully approaches him, making sure he doesn’t drop the food on the ground, and climbs on the bed beside him as he sets his phone down.

“Good news, I didn’t burn the kitchen down,” Jongwoon jokes as he places the oven plate on Ryeowook’s thighs over the bed sheets. “Bad news, I think I messed the eggs up.”

Ryeowook chuckles and stretches up to kiss Jongwoon on the cheek, before he rests his head on the man’s shoulder to look at the plates in front of him.

“It looks better than I thought it would,” the boy admits, and Jongwoon feels a weight he didn’t know he was carrying lift off his shoulders. “I’m sure you’re just being hard on yourself. Plus, I’ve never had anyone cook for me besides my mom. The intention will make up for it if it tastes bad.”

Ryeowook giggles again, and he sits back up, taking one pair of chopsticks in his hand, eager to eat. He’s so hungry he’s convinced he could eat the two plates Jongwoon brought—they’d been too busy with _ other things _ last night to eat dinner, so he’s starving.

Jongwoon catches himself staring at the boy when he takes his first bite, nervously awaiting an answer. He doesn’t expect anything great, but he needs confirmation that Ryeowook can finish his plate so he doesn’t have to get up to cook something himself or worse, not eat at all.

Jongwoon also finds that he loves watching his baby eat well, and that’s another reason he’s so nervous about Ryeowook’s opinion.

“It’s missing some seasoning and the eggs are a bit overcooked,” Ryeowook nods as he digs in for a second bite. “But it’s honestly not that bad. There’s potential.”

Jongwoon sighs and lets out a little laugh in relief. “Potential ?” he questions as he finally decides to start eating as well.

“I could probably teach you a thing or two,” Ryeowook explains. “If you want.”

Jongwoon hums, pondering over it for a minute. “How about tonight for dinner ?”

“Sounds good to me,” Ryeowook agrees, the giant smile on his face giving away his excitement.

Jongwoon thinks it’s adorable when Ryeowook gets like that—it’s one of the reasons he actually lets the boy cook for him when usually having his partner do something like that for him would make him feel uncomfortable. Ryeowook is always so happy to do it for him that he can’t find it in him to refuse, and the boy looks even more excited at the prospect of teaching and sharing his passion with him that it warms up his heart. Jongwoon loves listening to Ryeowook talk, whether it’s about his interests or his friends, because not only does he get to learn more about the boy, he also gets to see that little glimmer of joy shine in his dark brown eyes that he feels appeased by—seeing Ryeowook so happy has a calming effect on him, because he can be at peace knowing his baby is safe and untroubled by anything.

“Jongwoon..?” Ryeowook calls almost shyly as Jongwoon is getting ready to bring back the dirty dishes to the kitchen.

“Hm ?” Jongwoon hums, turning his full attention to Ryeowook, and he lets go of the platter in favour of returning the hug the boy gives him then.

“Thank you,” Ryeowook mumbles into his chest.

“Why are you thanking me ?” Jongwoon questions, not understanding why Ryeowook is suddenly acting so sentimental when all he did was cook him breakfast because _ he _ wasn’t in any shape to do it. It was the least he could do.

“For making me feel like I matter,” Ryeowook replies almost inaudibly, and Jongwoon’s heart sinks into his chest.

“Hey,” the man speaks softly, gently pushing the boy away to cradle his face in his hands and look him in the eye. “You don’t need to thank me for that. Of course you matter. You’re amazing, baby. Anyone who’s unable to see that is worse than stupid.”

Jongwoon scans through Ryeowook’s eyes, looking for any sign of pain and negative feelings. He’s suddenly reminded that one of the first things the boy has told him when they’ve met was how all his previous partners had been flings who would throw him away the minute they were done with him, and his blood starts boiling up with rage. He gets where all of this is coming from now; although he remembers how confident Ryeowook had been when he approached him that night, he sees that deep down, all of these experiences probably ended up making him feel worthless and insecure.

Almost in the same way he himself does.

Heartbroken, Jongwoon pulls the boy towards him to take him in his arms once more, and he holds on tight, hoping Ryeowook can feel how much he cares and that his worries go away. “I don’t like seeing you doubt yourself like that,” Jongwoon continues. “You matter to me. So _ you _ shouldn’t think you don’t.”

Ryeowook squeezes Jongwoon tighter, and he nods into his chest as a response.

Jongwoon doesn’t know how long they stay like that, holding on to each other as if letting go would kill them, but he can tell it clearly hasn’t been long enough for his liking when a frustrated groan escapes him the minute he hears his phone buzzing next to him. He rolls his eyes—whoever is calling him is interrupting something important, and he judges that he can probably ignore it and call back later because he really doesn’t feel like giving his attention to anything besides Ryeowook.

“Aren’t you gonna answer that ?” Ryeowook asks, somewhat amused by Jongwoon’s reaction.

“I don’t want to,” he grumbles. “It’s probably not important.”

The boy chuckles—his boyfriend really is just a giant baby—and he reaches for Jongwoon’s phone himself, deciding to be the responsible adult this time. “Who’s _ ‘Nag-soo’ _ ?” Ryeowook inquires, reading the display name appearing on the screen.

“Ah, fuck, not him,” Jongwoon curses, and he finally resigns himself to answer because he really doesn’t want Jungsoo to show up at his door once again.

Ryeowook frowns in puzzlement—Jongwoon really doesn’t seem very fond of this person, although he could’ve guessed that from the nickname he’s given him in his phone. The man doesn’t look pleased at all when he brings the phone to his ear either. Ryeowook really wonders who the hell this guy is.

“What do you want ?” Ryeowook flinches at the dry tone of Jongwoon’s voice. He’s really not used to seeing him like that.

Ryeowook can hear a voice echoing through the speakers of Jongwoon’s phone, but he’s unable to make up any words clearly enough to understand what’s being told on the other end, but by the looks of things, it only seems to aggravate his boyfriend even more.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. “Excuse my rudeness,” he apologizes sarcastically, clearly not meaning any of it. “But when you call me, it’s usually to tell me something I don’t want to hear.”

He really starts feeling bad for Jongwoon now; he can actually see his muscles tense up and the way his jaw clenches, and he looks so stressed out and jumpy—Ryeowook really doesn’t like it, and he wonders if he can do something about that.

“I feel like there’s a twist,” Jongwoon then says, and Ryeowook deduces that he’s just been told something he wasn’t expecting to hear. The man almost calms down for a minute, but as the person on the other end of the line speaks, his face gradually falls from surprise back to anger. “Ah, there it fucking is. What does he want ?” There’s a short pause that follows, but Ryeowook can tell Jongwoon didn’t let the other one finish his sentence before he interrupts them. “What ?! _ A full man_— no, Jungsoo, I can’t do that. Not in that little amount of time. Do you even know how much I’ve managed to write since last time ? I haven’t even gotten through half of the third chapter, and now that asshole wants a full manuscript ?! No fucking way in hell that’s gonna happen. He’ll get what I can give him, and it ends there. If he insists, I’ll shove the blank pages down his—”

Jongwoon stops himself in his tracks then, suddenly remembering that Ryeowook is right next to him and is currently witnessing him cursing and making threats over the phone, and guilt overtakes his anger the second he looks over at the boy and notices how utterly confused he seems.

Jongwoon sighs. “He’s not getting a full draft by Monday,” the man repeats, sounding a lot calmer than he’d been seconds ago. “Remind him I’m not a machine, and tell him he has to accept what I’ll bring him or he can say goodbye to his precious little cash-cow, because I’m done.”

Jongwoon hangs up right after, lazily throwing his phone at his feet, and he tries to rub away the frustration from his face in vain. He takes a deep breath and stares at his phone—he refuses to look at Ryeowook right now. He shouldn’t have let his anger get the better of him, not when the boy is right there by his side, and all he wants to do now is to run away.

“Is everything okay ?” Ryeowook checks, hesitantly reaching forward to put his hand on Jongwoon’s bare shoulder.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that,” Jongwoon apologizes. “I’ll go clean up the dishes now.”

“_Jongwoon_,” Ryeowook stops him sternly, pushing the tray to the side so Jongwoon can’t reach it that easily. “What’s going on ?”

There’s genuine worry in the boy’s eyes when Jongwoon finally dares to look at him, and for a second, the man stays frozen in place, thinking about what to do. He really doesn’t want to burden Ryeowook with his issues, but he knows not telling him anything will probably make it worse; either way, he’s screwed, and he has to make a choice between both options, as much as he wishes he didn’t have to.

Jongwoon exhales through his nose. “Work stuff,” he confesses, and he lets himself fall back against the headboard dejectedly. “They want me to write something I have no inspiration for, and they’ve really started to put pressure on me to somehow make it happen anyway.” Jongwoon lets out another heavy sigh and closes his eyes, trying to wish away his anxiety and frustration. “The guy who just called is my editor. I’m meeting with the publisher on Monday, and that man just… drives me up the walls.”

“The publisher… he’s the guy who expects you to give him your draft then, right ?” Ryeowook remembers from the conversation.

“Yeah… I think he forgets that the writers he works with are human beings.” Jongwoon tries to laugh it off, but the little chuckle he lets out sounds more bitter than anything else. “I’ve written about a tenth of the story at best. I’m not gonna be able to come up with a complete story in three days. I’m not that insane.”

“He sounds like an asshole,” Ryeowook blurts out, and it makes Jongwoon laugh.

“You’re being nice to him,” Jongwoon corrects, and he turns his head to the side to look at the boy. “But I don’t wanna make you worry with my problems. I’m fine.”

Ryeowook doesn’t believe him. “With how angry you were over the phone, I wouldn’t say you’re fine.”

“I just don’t want to dump this all on you,” the man confesses, reaching over to caress Ryeowook’s cheek with his left hand.

Ryeowook intertwines his fingers with the man’s, and he looks at him with eyes full of determination and sincerity. “You’re not,” he assures him. “I’m… I’m actually happy that you’re opening up to me like that.”

Ryeowook lets go of Jongwoon’s hand, and he moves around under the covers to straddle Jongwoon’s lap, acting on a complete whim. He doesn’t care that he’s still butt naked and that his thighs hurt when he climbs on top of the man; he just wants Jongwoon to know he’s there for him, and apparently, that’s the way he found to get his message across.

“I know you said you didn’t have inspiration for it,” the boy continues as he wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s neck. “But maybe I can help ? I’ve never written a story before, but it doesn’t cost anything to try, right ?”

“You… really want to ?” Jongwoon blinks, uncertain if he’s heard properly. He’s never been offered help before; he’s only ever received expectations that he’d do great on his own, and he doesn’t know how to react.

Ryeowook nods cutely. “I don’t know how much of a help I can be, but I really want to try. I don’t like the idea of standing there and doing nothing while you’re stressing out.”

“I—”

Jongwoon wants to decline his offer, to tell him he doesn’t have to force himself to lend a hand just because he feels bad for him, but he doesn’t find the strength to. He’s never seen Ryeowook look so sincere before, and something within him tells him the boy isn’t doing it just because he feels like he _ should_.

“Alright,” Jongwoon stutters, giving in to Ryeowook’s request to the boy’s absolute joy, and the younger man smiles brightly at him as a response.

“Maybe you should go fetch your laptop right now,” Ryeowook teases, failing to conceal his eagerness to get to work.

“Fetch ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow. “What am I now, a dog ?”

“I can make you work like one,” the boy quips—he finds that he loves bantering with Jongwoon, because he’s surprisingly such an easy target, and riling him up has become a guilty pleasure of his.

“Oh, so me fucking you like one isn’t good enough now ?” Jongwoon smirks, noticing the glimmer of lust flash through Ryeowook’s eyes, but the boy manages to will it away rather quickly.

“Does everything have to be sexual with you ?” Ryeowook rolls his eyes, overdramatically pretending to be annoyed.

“No,” Jongwoon hums, and he reaches forward to surprise the boy with a quick kiss. “But it makes things more fun that way.”

Ryeowook is momentarily distracted from his goal when Jongwoon’s hands start to wander around the curves of his body, but he manages to shake his dirty thoughts away a few seconds later.

“Stop trying to stall and get to work,” Ryeowook scolds him, frowning. He tries to appear stern and serious, and on his end he really hopes that’s what he’s able to convey, but Jongwoon can only find it utterly adorable—he can’t help it. Ryeowook is simply too cute to be threatening to him, no matter how hard he tries.

Still, Jongwoon decides to indulge him, although he fakes disappointment just to play along. “Fine,” the man pouts. “But I’ll get you back for this once you’ve rested enough.”

Jongwoon winks at him, and he gives him one last peck before he helps the boy off of him so he can get up and retrieve his laptop that he left on the coffee table in the living room, and dropping their dirty dishes in the sink in passing.

Jongwoon stares at his computer screen as Ryeowook scrolls through his Word document; they’d decided it would be best if the boy familiarizes himself with the story first, and Jongwoon is now relieved he’s actually written this sequel as a _ prequel_—that way, Ryeowook doesn’t have to read the abomination that is _ The Stolen Souls _ to understand what he’s written, at least not up to this point.

With his chin resting on the boy’s shoulder and his arms wrapped tightly around his waist, Jongwoon waits patiently for Ryeowook to finish reading in silence, letting himself enjoy the proximity and skin-to-skin contact preventing him from feeling anxious about his boyfriend’s opinion on his writing, even if it’s important to him. He tries not to be a distraction for Ryeowook, but the boy quickly turns out to be a distraction for _ him_, because he can see all the hickeys, lovebites and bruises he’s left on his body and he has to fight the urge to cover the remaining unmarked spots with more; not out of a possessive whim to claim his ownership of him, but just because he wants to give it all the attention and admiration it deserves. Ryeowook’s body is sin itself, and it’s perfect, just like the rest of him, and Jongwoon can never get enough of it.

Jongwoon can’t stop marvelling over just how much Ryeowook fits his ideal type, both physically and mentally. He’s got a smaller frame, but he’s not too thin either; he has this soft little tummy Jongwoon loves to litter with kisses and pay close attention to, because he knows it’s one of Ryeowook’s most sensitive spots, and this adorable little baby face that has his heart melt—he’s so fucking cute that he has Jongwoon completely wrapped around his finger, but it’s not something the man really minds.

What he loves the most about him, though, is how Ryeowook isn’t afraid to speak his mind and to playfully banter with him with no fear of repercussions; Jongwoon’s had partners before who would never even attempt to pull that off because they didn’t want to face the consequences, or that would push his buttons too far and upset him. Ryeowook somehow falls into this perfect middle ground, and Jongwoon couldn’t be happier that they’re at this stage of their relationship where they feel comfortable enough around the other to know where the boundaries are and trust each other not to cross that line. Ryeowook is witty and headstrong, but he’s not stubbornly defiant like Jongwoon’s known some to be.

They’re at a point in their relationship where they’re both ready to evolve into something more serious, but it’s also early enough that Jongwoon doesn’t know much about Ryeowook’s quirks and flaws—he wants to delude himself into thinking the boy doesn’t have any, but he knows it’s not realistic; at the very least, he can console himself thinking whatever those may be, the fact that Ryeowook seems so perfect to him now will far outweigh them, because he can’t think of anything the boy can do that could completely turn him off at this point.

Well, aside from the sudden revelation that Ryeowook’s secretly been a dominant top all this time and wants to switch things up, but he highly doubts that’s the case—just thinking about it gives him goosebumps, and he quickly has to shake that thought away before his cock turns inside out. It just feels so wrong on so many levels.

“I like it,” Ryeowook affirms suddenly, effectively bringing Jongwoon back to reality. The man turns his attention back to the screen to see that Ryeowook has reached the end of it. “I don’t know which direction you plan this story to take, but I really like what you’ve done so far. The way you describe Heejae’s feelings for Jihye is almost touching. You rarely see the guy be the sentimental one in fiction. I like that you made it that way.”

“It’s gonna end up biting him in the ass eventually,” Jongwoon thinks out loud, not really realizing what he’s actually saying.

Ryeowook frowns. “What do you mean ?”

Jongwoon freezes in place; he can sense a tinge of upsettedness in Ryeowook’s voice, and he doesn’t know if he should continue in fear of making it worse.

“Heejae and Jihye are star-crossed lovers,” Jongwoon explains. “And they won’t have a chance to be together, at least not freely. They’ll have an affair for a time until Jihye has to marry Seyoung to secure a political alliance between their two families. They’ll have to put an end to it when that happens.”

“So Heejae ends up heartbroken,” Ryeowook guesses sadly. He really liked that character. He reminded him a bit of Jongwoon at some points, and he figures he’s grown fond of him for that reason.

“They both do,” Jongwoon confirms, “but Heejae takes it particularly hard.”

“And what will happen then ?” Ryeowook inquires, suddenly curious about the events that will unfold because it seems as though Jongwoon has a clear idea of where he wants this to go.

“Jihye dies before he gets a chance to heal,” Jongwoon admits almost reluctantly.

Ryeowook looks horrified. “You’re gonna kill off one of your main characters..?”

“I tend to be mean to my main characters,” Jongwoon shrugs—he prefers to take things light-heartedly so Ryeowook doesn’t get too upset.

“I’m never reading one of your books,” Ryeowook grumbles, but the man can tell he’s mostly joking.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Jongwoon chuckles, and he gives the boy a light kiss on his temple. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“M’not upset,” Ryeowook contests, but he makes a poor attempt at sounding sincere. He’s clearly sulking. “There’s no way I can convince you to change the outcome, is there ?”

“Nope,” Jongwoon smiles amusingly, tightening his hold on the boy. “But I’ll still use your help if you haven’t changed your mind on that.”

Ryeowook stares at the screen once again, and he curses himself for being so weak for the man—of course he’s still going to help him no matter what.

“I haven’t,” he confirms, “but just know I’m disappointed in you, Kim Jongwoon.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jongwoon laughs softly.

“Did you plan to write anything in particular for now ?” Ryeowook then asks, seizing the small window of opportunity to get Jongwoon to work.

“Well, since there’s no way in hell I can write an entire book for Monday, I thought about writing the important parts of the plot, or at least a rough draft of how I want it to go so that Lee Satan can at least know what the story’s gonna be about,” Jongwoon explains, and Ryeowook chuckles at the nickname he’s given his publisher—he’s so dramatic.

“Sounds like a good plan,” Ryeowook agrees, and he gives the laptop back to Jongwoon, placing it in his lap. “What are you gonna start with ?”

“Hm…” Jongwoon hums, pensive. “Probably Minjae’s death scene.”

“You mean Heejae’s little brother ?” Ryeowook remembers from the first chapter. “What has Heejae done to you ?”

Ryeowook means to act offended, but he can’t help joining Jongwoon in his laughter because his reaction is just adorably funny for the man, and Ryeowook is fucking whipped.

“To me ? Nothing,” Jongwoon flatly states as he spams the _ Enter _ key on his keyboard for a few seconds. “But in the first book, his actions are motivated by the loss he’s endured. It’s what shaped his view of the world and ultimately led him to the conclusion that it couldn’t be saved, and that the only way to fix things was to start over.”

“I keep forgetting you said he was the bad guy,” Ryeowook mumbles as he watches Jongwoon type away on his computer, waiting for his cue to say something. “He doesn’t really feel like that to me.”

“What do you mean ?” Jongwoon encourages him to continue, but he doesn’t divert his attention away from his screen. He’s inspired and motivated, for once, so he’s not going to let anything stop him.

“I mean… I can’t condone his actions, but… you said his goal was to end the cycle of wars they’re stuck in by putting people in a dream-like state so they could live happy in their dreams where everything is possible, right ? Normally, even villains who have peace as their goal use violence and fear to achieve it. Heejae’s solution is a peaceful one, if you really look at it. He doesn’t wanna kill anyone.”

Jongwoon’s hands momentarily freeze on the keyboard. Ryeowook’s words hit him harder than he would’ve thought. What he’s saying makes a lot of sense, and Jongwoon almost feels stupid for not seeing things that way—he’s the one who wrote all of it, after all, but it seems he never truly realized that he has, in fact, made Heejae’s character more consistent and less caricatural than he’d initially believed.

“I’m not gonna try and change your mind on this,” Ryeowook continues. “But I really like him as a character. I think your readers are gonna like him too. And probably hate you for not giving him a happy ending.”

Jongwoon chuckles quietly, and he goes back to writing; his heart is pounding a mile a second, but not because of doubt or anxiety—he’s just completely baffled at how smart his baby is, and it makes him feel so proud and giddy inside.

“If they’re regular readers of mine, they should be used to it,” Jongwoon states. “I’ve never really been one for happy endings.”

“Why not ?”

“I don’t know,” Jongwoon shrugs. “I think I’ve just always felt like they were too optimistic. I like to keep things more realistic.”

“Realistic..?” Ryeowook repeats. The fact that Jongwoon is implying that he believes happy endings to be too idyllic struck a chord with him, and he frowns. “Do you not believe in happy endings ?”

“I think they just don’t fit right in my stories,” Jongwoon corrects, but his stomach twists into knots inside of him because he thinks he’s upset the boy again, this time for real, and he really fucking hates it.

“How about in real life ?”

This question takes the man by surprise, mostly because Ryeowook’s tone just went from mildly upset to hopeful and curious in a matter of seconds, but also because he realizes that he doesn’t even have an answer to give him.

“You mean for me ?” Jongwoon tries to match Ryeowook’s energy, and he thinks he does a good job of that for the most part. The boy nods. “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. I guess I’m too focused on the present to think about how it’s gonna end for me.” _ Or too hung up on the past_, but it’s not like he’s going to tell him that.

“How do you _ want _ it to end ?”

“I don’t know either,” he shrugs, and he turns to the side to look at Ryeowook, a mischievous smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. “But I can tell you how I want today to end.” He leans in closer to rest his forehead against the boy’s.

“How ?”

“With my cock shoved deep inside that pretty little mouth of yours so you stop asking so many questions,” he murmurs as he closes the gap between them to catch the boy’s lips in a teasingly slow and short kiss. “Or by just having you in my arms, either one sounds perfect to me.”

As it turns out, despite his complaints and inexperience, Ryeowook had proved to be more of an help than Jongwoon could’ve possibly imagined. Being an artist, the boy had a knack for describing physical objects or spaces, something Jongwoon would always struggle with. He thinks that maybe he should be more scared than he is about Ryeowook’s precision and ease at illustrating what a dead body looks like, but it’s not like the boy could really do anything to him. One specific look from Jongwoon could bring him to his knees. The idea of his baby trying to do anything to him is far more hilarious than threatening.

Ryeowook had also helped him regain some of his passion for writing, and Jongwoon can’t remember the last time he’s felt this excited about working on a new project—the previous year had been rough for him, and it had carried on up until now, almost halfway through another. The man still can’t completely wrap his head around how much of a positive influence Ryeowook is in his life, and this despite his bouts of insecurity and doubt that gnaw at him from the inside. He’s starting to realize that he’s changing as a result. For the better or for the worst, that he doesn’t know, because on one hand he’s becoming more patient and attentive—except when it comes to his job, but that’s a different story—but on the other, he’s never been so emotionally fragile in his life, and he doesn’t know which side overthrows the other.

He’s in no rush to find an answer to that, though, not when he’s supposed to pay attention to what Ryeowook is trying to teach him.

They’re in the kitchen now, and Jongwoon tries to focus on what the boy is doing, with _ some _ struggle. Ryeowook is arranging a bunch of stuff on the counter, and to Jongwoon, it almost looks like he’s basically picking the ingredients at random from his fridge and pantry—it’s either that or the boy just has a sixth sense for finding the right things to use at light speed, and both of them sound plausible to him.

Jongwoon is glad he’s taken a habit of going grocery shopping whenever Ryeowook is staying over, because he’s pretty sure they’d be eating plain rice and toast tonight if he hadn’t.

He watches on humorously as Ryeowook struggles to get to the spices in the cupboards above, and he can’t stifle a laugh when the boy groans in frustration when he realizes he can’t quite reach what he wants, missing it only by about an inch.

“Aren’t you supposed to help me ?” Ryeowook whines, sulky rather than angry.

Jongwoon sighs fondly as he walks up to him, and he brings a hand up to pet the back of Ryeowook’s head to calm him. “What do you need ?”

“The chili flakes.” He’s still pouting. It’s adorable.

Jongwoon reaches up for the container with ease; the smug expression on his face tells Ryeowook that his boyfriend is flexing his height just to spite him, and the boy crosses his arms over his chest to fake his annoyance. Deep down, he likes that Jongwoon is tall, but he doesn’t want to let him know that.

“There you go,” Jongwoon announces softly, handing the container over to Ryeowook who grabs it begrudgingly.

“Stop bragging about your height,” Ryeowook mumbles as he goes back to work, separating the ingredients into different groups that make no sense to Jongwoon on the counter before him. “You’re not even _ that _ tall.”

“I know,” Jongwoon chuckles, and he comes up behind the boy to hug him from behind. “It’s _ you _ who’s tiny.”

“Hey, I’m not—”

“Yes, you are,” Jongwoon hums against his pulse, and Ryeowook reflexively leans into the man’s embrace despite him. “And I’m _ very _ into it.”

Jongwoon’s left hand wanders down to Ryeowook’s crotch, only covered by the thin fabric of his orange boxer-briefs, and for a second the boy forgets what they’re supposed to be doing right now, too distracted by Jongwoon’s lips on his neck and his burning touch.

“Jongwoon, we need to focus… I swear, you’re like a horny college fr—” Ryeowook stutters, but he’s cut off by his own moan when Jongwoon practically nails him against the counter and pushes his knee between his legs, effectively trapping him there with no way of escaping.

“How am I supposed to focus when you’re there, looking pretty as sin, and constantly pushing my buttons by acting like a cute little brat ?” Jongwoon accuses him, voice sultry and teasing, and Ryeowook can feel his mind start slipping into subspace. “I love our little banters,” Jongwoon continues, “but if you’re gonna act all cute and innocent when you know what it’s doing to me, it just makes me want to put you back in your place.”

Although his words appear threatening and scolding, Jongwoon himself doesn’t sound it—there’s no discernible trace of seriousness in his voice at all, and it confuses Ryeowook, because he doesn’t know if he should expect Jongwoon to act up on his words or if he’s just playing with him.

“So if you’re gonna make it hard on me to focus…” Jongwoon purrs in his ear. “Let’s see how you manage to do it yourself while your little cock is begging for me to touch it.”

Jongwoon gives his now hard cock one last gentle squeeze before he pulls away, and Ryeowook has to hold on to the ledge of the counter to prevent himself from falling.

He knew he shouldn’t have taken Jongwoon’s earlier threat that he’d get back to him for teasing him lightly.

The boy had been confident in his ability to teach some skills to Jongwoon up until now. He’d been looking forward to see what it would feel like to be the one in charge and giving orders, for once—but now it seems that even if Ryeowook has to tell him what to do and explain the steps to him, Jongwoon is _ still _ the one in control. His burning gaze and dominating aura are suffocating, and there’s not even a second that passes while they prepare dinner together where Ryeowook feels like he has the upper hand.

It doesn’t help that Jongwoon tries to find every reason to be clingy with him either. However, as distracting as it is to him, Ryeowook doesn’t mind it at all—it calms him, and he notices that Jongwoon apparently learns a lot faster if he just lets the man do what he wants without complaints. Probably because his attention isn’t taken away by his urge to just touch him, he guesses.

“You did great,” Jongwoon mumbles against his shoulder, tugging down at his sleeve to expose his skin through the neck hole of his shirt.

“Shouldn’t I be the one telling you that..?” Ryeowook retorts half-dazedly. His arousal has started to calm down by now, but his mind still feels foggy, and he thinks he could go completely limp in Jongwoon’s arms any minute now.

Jongwoon’s lips curve into a smile. “I wasn’t forced to work in the same conditions as you,” he reminds him.

“You’re horny all the time,” the boy retorts, whining over the fact that the comparison Jongwoon is trying to make isn’t fair. “You’re used to it.”

“Because you’re not ?”

Ryeowook opens his mouth to speak, but he can’t come up with anything to counter Jongwoon’s argument. He’s right, and there’s no point in denying it.

“I thought so,” Jongwoon snickers, and he gives the boy one last kiss at the top of his head before he lets go, grabbing their plates in passing. “And also, I’m not horny _ all _ the time,” the man contests sarcastically as he places the plates onto the dining table on the other side of the island counter. “Just when you’re around.”

Jongwoon turns towards him, leaning against one of the red dining chairs at the end of the glass table, and the boy takes it as his cue to finally move from his spot in the kitchen and join him.

“You’re just too cute for me to be able to keep my hands to myself,” Jongwoon continues, snatching Ryeowook by the waist once he gets close enough.

Ryeowook lets himself fall into Jongwoon’s chest without protest, momentarily forgetting the food that’s right there on the table behind his boyfriend.

“I’m not complaining,” Ryeowook mumbles cutely.

Jongwoon smiles and gives him a small kiss on the forehead before he lets go—to the boy’s dismay, surprisingly, who thinks staying in Jongwoon’s embrace in this moment sounds more appealing than eating the food they’ve prepared _ together_.

Jongwoon notices the small pout on Ryeowook’s lips, and he teasingly runs his thumb across it, trying to suppress his amusement without much success.

“Let’s eat,” Jongwoon suggests. “We can’t let the food get cold after working so hard on it.”

Jongwoon spends a great part of their dinner just staring at Ryeowook as he eats, but this time, it’s not by apprehension of the boy’s opinion on his cooking; it’s a habit he’s developed over the course of their relationship, because as it turns out, Jongwoon loves watching his baby eat well for whatever reason. The man’s never been much of a foodie—although anyone who knew him could easily guess that from his lack of knowledge in that department—and he doesn’t think he’s ever paid such close attention to his exes as much as he does to Ryeowook.

Maybe it’s because their dynamic is so different from what Jongwoon’s experienced before, he figures; this whole _ caregiver _ thing they’ve got going on is almost as new to him as it is for Ryeowook, with the only difference being Jongwoon’s knowledge about this sort of thing from his lifestyle, but it comes so naturally with the boy that anyone would think it’s just normal for the man to act like that. That’s what feels right for them, and although it’s a lot more domestic and _ soft _ than what he’s used to, Jongwoon doesn’t really mind it all that much, if at all.

Jongwoon lets out a soft little chuckle when Ryeowook finishes his plate, happy that he seemed to like what they did. The man was the one who pulled in most of the work this time around, but the boy had been there to supervise him all along, so he guesses he couldn’t really have fucked that up even if he tried.

“I told you you had potential,” Ryeowook jokes, but he doesn’t sound as teasing as he’d been all day with him. He sounds a lot shier now, and Jongwoon presumes it has something to do with the little stunt he’d pulled earlier.

He’d acted up on a whim and it almost came out of nowhere, but he loves teasing Ryeowook like that too much to be able to help himself.

“I had a pretty good teacher,” Jongwoon winks, and the boy blushes at the compliment. He really is too cute for his own good.

Jongwoon stares at the clock on the wall in front of him without much thought, and he realizes that it’s a lot later than he’d thought it was; they’d been so caught up working on his book that they’d started preparing dinner later than usual, but it didn’t feel like it was _ that _ bad.

They’d woken up almost in the afternoon, and tomorrow was Saturday meaning Ryeowook didn’t have to go anywhere early, but one more glance at the boy suffices for Jongwoon to notice he’s starting to look tired.

He knows it’s his fault that Ryeowook basically had a sleepless night, and although he wants him to rest, he doesn’t really feel bad about it.

“You can go and get ready for bed,” Jongwoon suggests, almost whispering, as if he didn’t want to startle the boy. The man then reaches for Ryeowook’s plate, intending to carry it back in the kitchen to do the dishes on his own, but his boyfriend protests by grabbing his wrist—the movement is sudden, but his grasp is weak, and Jongwoon could easily free himself without any struggle, but he decides against it, wanting to hear what Ryeowook has to say.

“I should help you first,” the boy speaks as he gets up from his seat, letting go of Jongwoon’s wrist as he does.

“No.” Jongwoon’s voice comes out very soft, but assertive enough for Ryeowook to understand that the man won’t give him a choice in the matter. “I’ll handle it and then I’ll join you, okay ?”

Ryeowook can only nod, albeit in defeat, and he lets Jongwoon to clean up after them to go into the bedroom to retrieve a fresh pair of underwear from his overnight bag—in his case, though, it would almost be more appropriate to refer to it as an _ overweek _ bag—and Ryeowook catches himself staring at it for a moment.

He doesn’t know why the thought of wearing something sexier than boxer-briefs for Jongwoon crosses his mind then, especially since he doesn’t know if the man even is into that sort of thing. Ryeowook’s never tried it either, but he’s almost certain _ he _ is, and he thinks it could be a good idea to bring it up eventually. Even if it’s not something Jongwoon likes, Ryeowook can at least console himself knowing his boyfriend won’t judge him for it—but something in his mind tells him Jongwoon would be elated by the idea of trying that someday.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts before he gets too carried away, Ryeowook makes his way to the bathroom. He momentarily stops in the hallway to peak over into the kitchen, where he can still hear the faint sounds of kitchenware clicking together as Jongwoon washes them one by one, and his stomach is filled with butterflies at the sight of him. His back is facing him, but Ryeowook can feel the joyous vibe emanating from the man even if he’s busy doing mundane—and quite bothersome, in Ryeowook’s opinion—household chores. It suddenly hits him that he rarely gets to see Jongwoon act so domestic; he almost wants to say _ normal_, too, although he doesn’t mean it as an insult. He’s just never stayed with him long enough to be able to witness something like that, and he’s certain it’s a sight he could get used to.

Ryeowook drags his feet into the bathroom almost against his will. He would’ve loved to stay and watch Jongwoon for longer, but the man told him to start getting ready for bed, so he thinks it’s time he _ actually _ does what he’s been asked to do.

It doesn’t take him much time to get undressed, as he’d only been wearing his underwear and an oversized t-shirt he stole from Jongwoon, and reflexively folds them to let them rest on the vanity counter nicely.

It’s at this moment that he notices just how many bruises litter his entire body, from his neck to the spot below his navel, and he can see his entire body turning red in the mirror in front of him. He knew everything Jongwoon had done to him the night before would leave marks, but he’d never imagined that there would be _ so _ many, and he has so many feelings mixing up together in its regard—all of which are positive.

There’s a huge hickey on his chest right above his heart that particularly draws his attention, and he can’t help but brush his fingers over it—the skin is rough and a bit tender, but it doesn’t hurt. Ryeowook surprises himself thinking it’s _ beautiful_, and he can feel his heartbeat pick up when he’s reminded once again of everything that happened between them then. The way Jongwoon had practically worshipped his body, not missing a single spot as he’d trail burning kisses all over him, and most importantly, how loved and _ wanted _ the man had made him feel—all of that only served to solidify Ryeowook’s certainty in his feelings for Jongwoon. A part of him almost dreads the fact that he’s so sure of it so soon in their relationship, but Ryeowook knows there’s no point in lying to himself. He’s in love with the man, and it ends at that.

As busy as he is staring at his body, Ryeowook doesn’t miss Jongwoon’s sudden appearance behind him, catching a glimpse of the man in the mirror the minute he steps in. He watches as Jongwoon stops in his tracks for a moment to try and figure out why he’s standing in front of the mirror smiling to himself like an idiot before he finally comes up behind him to wrap his arms around his waist without a word.

Jongwoon rests his chin on Ryeowook’s shoulder and stares into the boy’s eyes through his reflection, tightening his grip on him to bring him as close as possible, before his gaze wanders down to admire his handiwork in his turn.

“They look so pretty on you,” Jongwoon blurts out breathlessly, in complete awe at the sight. _ He _ looks so pretty.

“I don’t think anyone will have any doubt that I belong to you,” Ryeowook giggles timidly, remembering the conversation they’d had earlier this morning.

“I love it when you say it like that,” Jongwoon admits shamelessly—he almost sounds like he’s groaning into Ryeowook’s neck, and it sends chills down the boy’s spine.

Jongwoon straightens up and tilts Ryeowook’s chin over his shoulder to kiss him; it’s shallow and lazy for the most part, with Jongwoon seemingly being in no hurry to deepen it, but also teasing and almost mischievous, as though the man intended on leaving the boy hanging and hoping for more just to rile him up, but there’s something inside Ryeowook’s mind that tells him it’s not one of Jongwoon’s schemes this time around. He can feel something else behind it—what it is exactly, that he doesn’t know, but he can’t sense any malice hiding in the shadows.

Jongwoon eventually breaks away, and it seems that instead of ebbing him to push things further as it normally would, the kiss had the opposite effect on the man; for some reason, despite Ryeowook’s words and the breathtaking sight of his body all marked up _ by him_, Jongwoon just feels like being affectionate and caring with the boy rather than to claim him as his own once again. He thinks he’s already done a good job at that for now, anyway.

This is the second time in his life that he’s craved a type of intimacy that doesn’t involve sex, but the first time that he feels confident that it’s going to work out for him in the end. Ryeowook’s sex drive might match his almost perfectly, but he’s not the pushy type; Jongwoon has no reason to be worried about anything.

Jongwoon turns Ryeowook around so he can face him, and he brings a hand up to caress the boy’s cheek ever so gently, as if he feared that he might break under his touch at any point; Ryeowook’s eyelids start to feel heavy then, and he lets himself melt into it, subtly rubbing his cheek against Jongwoon’s palm.

“Let’s get you cleaned up so we can tuck you into bed,” Jongwoon proposes, running a hand through Ryeowook’s hair with the same tenderness.

On impulse, Jongwoon leans forward to leave a kiss on the boy’s forehead before he steps back to turn the water on, and he quickly makes work of getting rid of his clothes as they wait for the water to warm up a bit.

Jongwoon is the first to step in, making sure he’s the one to test the water just in case, and he extends a hand for Ryeowook to take so he can pull him in with him, and the boy lets himself be guided without questions.

He’s been balancing on the fine thread between consciousness and subspace since dinner, except unlike any other time, he’s aware that this is happening—his mind is very foggy, but it feels like all of his senses have been heightened, and the slightest touch from Jongwoon just pushes him further and further into that mindspace that he no longer apprehends at all. He finds it strange that he’s slipping so easily even if Jongwoon’s done absolutely nothing to trigger it since dinner, and even then it was extremely mild compared to all the other times the man’s gotten him into this state, but he welcomes it with open arms because it makes him feel safe.

Jongwoon takes great care washing up every part of Ryeowook’s body, and the boy feels so serene that he thinks he might fall asleep standing up at some points. Jongwoon is smiling at him fondly throughout; it feels as though his heart is on the verge of bursting out of his chest at any moment. He’s so enthralled by Ryeowook’s willingness to give himself out to him and openly trust that he can take care of him in such a vulnerable state that, as he’s rinsing out the last little bits of soap from the boy, he catches himself staring at his face, and fuck, he feels so good seeing just how happy Ryeowook looks—and he truly wants to believe it’s at least partially because of him.

As it turns out, Jongwoon does get his happy ending for the day; the one where he just gets to have Ryeowook in his arms, safe and sound, and for once, it’s Ryeowook who’s actually clinging to him and refusing to let go, but it’s not like Jongwoon wants to complain. He’s always found comfort in having Ryeowook lying entirely on top of him, the weight of his body acting like some sort of security blanket that helps the man stay grounded and prevent him from getting too caught up in his own thoughts. He can’t focus on anything else when he has a constant reminder that Ryeowook is there with him, and he wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.

Not even for a break from Jungsoo’s constant nagging or Lee Satan as a whole, as appealing as it would sound in any other context.

Ryeowook wonders why he’s never bothered to actually take a close look around Jongwoon’s apartment despite how many times he’s been here since they met back in January. It’s surprisingly clean and organized for a man who lives alone, especially for an artistic mind like Jongwoon—and Ryeowook knows what he’s talking about when he says that.

There are also a ridiculous amount of bookshelves for basically any place that isn’t a library, but he guesses this detail shouldn’t be very surprising to him given Jongwoon’s career.

Ryeowook wonders if he’s actually read all of those books or if they’re just decorations just to look like he reads a lot, and he decides to take a closer look at the one that’s tucked in the corner of the living room next to the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony. The middle row immediately catches his eye, because he recognizes the name written on the side of each of them—_Yesung_, Jongwoon’s pen name.

Ryeowook has known about Jongwoon’s job long enough that it shouldn’t shock him as much as it does, but actually _ seeing _ the physical copy of his boyfriend’s work hits differently. He’s never given much thought to it until now, but he, _ some random college art student with nothing to his name yet_, is dating one of the most successful writers in their country, and he feels a bit weird about it when he puts it into perspective. Jongwoon’s not a celebrity _ per se_, but Ryeowook technically counts him as one.

He giggles to himself when he thinks that, all things considered, their relationship almost feels like something that could only happen in a work of fiction; but thankfully for him, all of this is very real.

Momentarily distracted from his work by Ryeowook’s little laughter, Jongwoon looks over at the boy from his spot on the couch, and he smiles to himself. Sometimes he truly wonders if Ryeowook is even aware of how adorable he is.

“What are you laughing about ?” Jongwoon questions as he goes back to writing.

“Oh, nothing,” Ryeowook replies in a sing-songy voice as he pulls out one of Jongwoon’s books at random to take a closer look at the cover. _ Crimson Leaves_, the title reads. “I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that my boyfriend is a famous writer.”

“_Famous writer _ is a bit too much,” Jongwoon snorts quietly.

“Don’t deny it,” Ryeowook playfully scolds as he puts the book back on its shelf. “I’m sure you even have a fanbase.”

“If you consider my three close friends as such, then yes,” Jongwoon quips.

“You know,” Ryeowook suddenly exclaims, squatting down to look at the bottom row when something catches his attention. “You’ve met my friends already, but you never told me about yours.”

Jongwoon’s hands freeze over his keyboard. _ Oh God, please, don’t ask to meet them_, Jongwoon silently prays, because he knows he won’t be able to refuse if Ryeowook pitches the idea.

“What do you wanna know about them ?” Jongwoon asks cautiously, hoping to keep it only at questions.

“Let’s start with why did you think this haircut was ever a good idea ?” Ryeowook laughs, holding up the photo album he’s just found, opened up on one of the pages showing off pictures from his and Heechul’s embarrassing emo phase when they were fifteen, and Jongwoon suddenly feels like merging with the couch and disappearing from the face of the Earth.

The man discards his laptop on the spot next to him in favour of beelining in Ryeowook’s direction, hoping he can pry the album off of the boy’s hands, but the latter manages to duck under Jongwoon’s arm as he tries to grab him, successfully escaping his wrath—for now.

“God, I’m so glad I was too young to follow the fashion trends of the early 2000s,” Ryeowook continues, and he notices that the guy from the first photo keeps appearing on almost every page. His laughter subsides for fondness to take its place—some of those pictures are just downright adorable, and he deduces that whoever this guy is, he and Jongwoon must be very close.

As Ryeowook takes his time to flip through the pages, Jongwoon catches up to him, but he abandons the idea of taking his album back when he sees how intrigued his boyfriend looks, and it’s not like there’s anything incriminating in there, or at least he doesn’t think so.

“Wow,” Ryeowook breathes out. “You and that guy look like you go way back.”

Jongwoon peaks over the boy’s shoulder to see what he’s looking at : it’s a side-by-side comparison of he and Heechul as kids with them in adulthood, recreating the same picture, and Jongwoon smiles fondly at it when he remembers the day they decided to take it.

“Twenty-five years and counting,” Jongwoon states, and he follows Ryeowook back to the couch when the boy decides it would be better to sit down to continue his little investigation of Jongwoon’s past.

“That’s… longer than I’ve been alive for,” Ryeowook marvels as he tries to imagine what it would be like to have a friend you’ve known basically all your life.

Jongwoon chuckles. “Thanks for making me feel old,” he jokes.

“You _ are _old,” Ryeowook nudges him.

“Are you looking for trouble ?” Jongwoon threatens, using the same playful tone as Ryeowook.

“I’m looking for your college pictures,” Ryeowook deflects. “I wanna know how much of a frat boy you were.”

“What makes you think I was a frat boy ?”

“I know one when I see one,” the boy shrugs, smirking at Jongwoon’s failed attempt to hide his surprise.

Ryeowook flips through a couple more pages of what he assumes to be Jongwoon’s high school days, and he tries really hard not to laugh at some of them. He has to admit that Jongwoon looked somewhat adorable, though, if you took out the questionable fashion sense. He’s glad he seems to have fixed that by now.

“Oh god, it’s so much worse than I thought,” Ryeowook bursts out in laughter when his eyes land on one picture in particular, where Jongwoon—still in questionable clothes, although it wasn’t nearly as bad as the previous ones—has his arm thrown loosely around some girl’s shoulders; he’s clearly drunk and throwing an inverted peace sign at the camera.

To say Jongwoon is embarrassed is an understatement.

“I’m currently wondering how you managed to convince her to take this picture with you,” he continues. He’s trying not to tease Jongwoon too much, but it’s so much harder than it looks, and he can’t help it.

“We were dating back then, so it wasn’t that hard to convince her,” Jongwoon counters, casually as ever, unaware of the wide-eyed look Ryeowook throws his way.

“You’ve… dated girls before ?” the boy blinks. For some reason, it had never crossed his mind once that Jongwoon could be attracted to the opposite gender.

“Yeah,” the man shrugs nonchalantly.

“Did you… like it ?” Ryeowook asks hesitantly, not wanting to sound offensive or ignorant—he’s just curious because he’s never been with a girl before, not even when he was in denial and very deep in the closet.

“It was different,” Jongwoon chuckles. “I have more affinity with men in general, but if there’s a connection between the other person and I, gender just becomes a secondary thing to me. I’ve never really questioned myself on that. I just followed whatever felt right for me at the moment.”

“I’m sorry if my questions are inappropriate,” Ryeowook quickly apologizes.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Jongwoon reassures him, giving him a quick kiss on the temple to emphasize his words. “I get that you’re curious.”

Jongwoon pulls Ryeowook against his chest, wrapping an arm around his back to keep him in place as the boy keeps flipping through the pages in silence. Jongwoon’s stopped paying attention to the album, instead opting to close his eyes and focus all of his other senses on his boyfriend; he simply lets himself enjoy this break from writing Ryeowook’s inadvertently given him by pulling out all of these memories he still holds dear to this day, and he allows himself to breathe for a bit.

“Why are there so many empty spots ?” Ryeowook suddenly questions, cutting through the comfortable silence that had settled between them. It takes Jongwoon a moment to realize what Ryeowook is referring to, opening one eye to peak at the open page where it was apparent whatever picture was there got removed, and Jongwoon thinks he’s about to die of a heart attack on the spot once he fully becomes aware of the situation.

All of the missing photographs were of Hyukjae—he remembers pulling them out one by one to tear them to shreds out of anger after they’d broken up. Jongwoon doesn’t know what to tell Ryeowook. He absolutely detests the idea of lying to him, but he can’t tell him about his ex.

“I got rid of some pictures I didn’t wanna keep,” Jongwoon simply answers. “Thought they didn’t fit well in there.” He’s not exactly lying, although he still feels guilty about hiding the truth from the boy.

Ryeowook frowns. He can sense that there’s something here that bothers his boyfriend—he can tell by the faint quiver in his voice and how dismissive he is of the subject, but he decides not to pry further. Jongwoon would’ve told him more if he’d felt like it, Ryeowook knows that, and he doesn’t want to push an answer out of him and make him feel uncomfortable.

Although his curiosity about whatever Jongwoon is hiding isn’t satisfied at all, he drops it, and he knows by the relieved sigh Jongwoon lets out into his neck that he’s made the right decision. He doesn’t like knowing there’s something troubling the man that he can’t do anything about, but he’s even more against the idea of forcing Jongwoon to talk if he doesn’t want to.

“Thank you,” Jongwoon whispers faintly and almost inaudibly. It takes Ryeowook a moment to understand what he’s saying.

Jongwoon doesn’t really like the fact that he’s essentially admitting that this whole story is a lot more than _ just pictures that didn’t fit _ by thanking him, but he felt awkward not acknowledging his gratitude when Ryeowook’s silence in this moment means so much to him. The boy understood that he didn’t want to be questioned and _ respected _ it, and to him, that’s what mattered the most.

He really doesn’t know what he did to deserve Ryeowook, but he doesn’t want to question it.

“_You _ would fit well in there, though,” Jongwoon then speaks, hoping to change the mood to something more joyful. His free hand comes up to rest on the boy’s upper thigh, rubbing it gently over his pants, _ suggestive _ but light enough for Ryeowook not to get irrationally worked up by it. “We should go out today and start filling in the blanks.”

“You mean taking pictures of us to put in an album ?” Ryeowook smirks, because of course Jongwoon would suggest something like that—although he has to admit that even if he thinks this is sort of old fashioned, given today’s technology, there’s something about it that sounds strangely endearing to him. “Do people still do that nowadays ? I thought you knew what Instagram was, given how many pictures of you I see on my feed whenever I open the app.”

“Instagram is great but it’s too… _ impersonal_,” Jongwoon counters. “An album like that feels much more intimate. That’s why I like it.”

Ryeowook hums, and he closes the album as he thinks. “You have a point,” he concedes then. He chews on the inside of his cheek a bit; as cheesy as the idea sounds, he can’t help but think it’s cute and even a bit romantic, and he can feel his insides turn into mush. “I’m down.”

“Let’s go, then,” Jongwoon calls, jumping up to his feet and extending his hand out to Ryeowook for him to take.

Ryeowook chuckles, amused by Jongwoon’s excitement. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like this; not to say that the man is serious all the time, but his playfulness is usually coupled with other inappropriate thoughts and meaning—this time, there’s none of that, and the boy can’t help but feel excited too. Jongwoon’s eagerness is contagious.

“Can’t believe you’re getting me so on board with such an old man activity,” Ryeowook jokes, taking Jongwoon’s hand so the man can pull him up to his feet. “Guess you’re lucky my mom taught me to always respect the elderly.”

“Elderly ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow, but his child-like smile doesn’t go away. He grabs Ryeowook by the waist to pull him towards him, and his hands wander down to the boy’s ass teasingly. “Oh, I’ll show you an elder when we come home tonight, alright,” he murmurs next to his ear, taking the lobe between his teeth teasingly, and gives Ryeowook’s left buttcheek a light squeeze before he steps back.

Ryeowook curses himself; he knows very well that poking fun at Jongwoon always ends up biting him in the ass—sometimes quite literally so—but he can’t help it. It’s too much fun to see how the man reacts to it, and it’s not like the consequences _ really _ bother him either, even if sometimes it means having to try and stifle a boner in a car ride, with the object of his arousal sitting right next to him.

Ryeowook doesn’t know why he’s never taken the time to come here before, because the sight that _ Yeouido Park _ offers them is breathtaking, especially at this time of year.

He’s not native to Seoul, but he’s lived there since he got into college, and he realizes now just how little of the city he’s explored thus far.

Jongwoon, on the other hand, looks like he knows exactly where he’s going; he’s in no hurry to take them there, though, taking the time to admire the view as they walk through the park, but he seems confident and not even nearly as disoriented as Ryeowook is.

Reflexively, Ryeowook clings to Jongwoon’s arm as though he was scared they might get separated if he so much as blinked for too long, and he uses the comfortable silence between them to reflect on some things, most of which have to do with Jongwoon.

Ryeowook is no stranger to flings and casual dating, but Jongwoon is his first actual boyfriend, and he realizes that there’s not really anything he can compare their relationship to in order to calm some of the insecurities he still has now. There are a lot of things Ryeowook is quite clueless about, and it’s not like he can use his friends’ experiences as a guideline either—Sungmin’s never managed to grow the balls to ask Saeun out despite having the biggest crush on her since they’d met, and Kyuhyun… Ryeowook doesn’t even know what to categorize his love life as besides _ completely non-existent_.

Jongwoon’s never made him feel inadequate, but he’s never been able to shake away the fear that maybe he’s let himself get too caught up in his own feelings and they’ve evolved to a stage Jongwoon hasn’t reached yet. He doesn’t know if it’s too early to talk about love or if it’s normal for him to even feel something so intense at this point; sometimes he even wonders if all of this isn’t just caused by the fact that Jongwoon is the first person who makes him feel like he truly matters and he’s just developed an emotional dependence to the man as a result, and it’s something that’s been haunting him when he’s back home alone without Jongwoon by his side.

Ryeowook squeezes Jongwoon’s arm tighter, making the man stop in his tracks to check up on him.

“Is everything okay ?” He sounds worried. Fuck.

“Yeah, sorry,” Ryeowook mumbles, but his grip on Jongwoon doesn’t loosen. “I think I’m just feeling clingy.” He tries to laugh it off, hoping Jongwoon doesn’t prod.

Jongwoon stares at the boy for a moment with an unreadable expression, trying to find any signs of distress or hurt—it’s his first instinct, even if he can’t find any reason for Ryeowook to be in any danger right now. He can’t see anything of the sort, but the boy does look like he’s in need of comfort for _ something_, and Jongwoon can’t tell if it’s a good or a bad thing.

In either case, though, Ryeowook needs a hug and the man is more than happy to comply.

Jongwoon holds him against his chest, and he gently pets him at the back of his head in an effort to soothe him, just in case he really _ is _ troubled by something. He doesn’t mean to put Ryeowook under by any means, but it seems he’s underestimated just how much of a reflex it’s become for the boy by now, and that’s what ends up happening for him—he can tell from the way he practically melts into him and buries his face into his chest.

Albeit unintentional, Jongwoon can’t suppress the little smile that creeps onto his face at this reaction; it appears surrendering his will over to him has become an instinctual thing for the boy to do now, even outside of play, the minute Jongwoon holds him close.

Jongwoon waits another few seconds before he pulls away, or at least tries to, but Ryeowook refuses to let go, even whining as he tightens his hold around his middle. Jongwoon chuckles fondly as his heart skips a beat, because _ goddamn is he so stupidly adorable_, and he drops his arms to his sides in defeat. He doesn’t have it in him to try and push the boy away.

“We’re almost there, kitten,” Jongwoon weakly argues. He can’t even sound assertive right now. His heart is about to burst.

“Will you hug me again when we get there ?” Ryeowook mutters.

“Of course, baby,” Jongwoon agrees, lightly patting the top of the boy’s head.

“Promise ?”

“I _ promise_,” Jongwoon swears.

Ryeowook stays silent and unmoving for a second. “... Alright,” he complies eventually, and he finally lets go of the man.

“Come on,” Jongwoon then calls, and he takes Ryeowook’s hand in his to resume their walk, opting to go a bit faster this time.

Ryeowook thinks it was worth it to wait in the end, because the spot Jongwoon leads them to is even more beautiful than anything they’ve seen so far—it’s a small pond surrounded by lush green and purple bushes and decorative rocks, and it’s secluded from the bigger, more crowded side of the park by large trees lining the main pathway.

Too mesmerized at the sight, Ryeowook doesn’t notice Jongwoon moving around until two arms wrap around his shoulders from behind, trapping his upper arms against his sides and making the boy jump in surprise.

“I promised I would hug you again once we get there,” Jongwoon defends, even though he doubts Ryeowook would’ve scolded him for startling him.

The boy leans back against him as he holds on to Jongwoon’s forearms pressed against his chest, and he lets the man gently rock them from side to side, simply enjoying the feeling of being caged in and Jongwoon’s soft voice humming quietly in his ear for a moment.

“I came here so many times before, but I can never get used to this sight,” Jongwoon tells him. “Same goes for this place.”

It takes Ryeowook an embarrassingly long time to process what Jongwoon’s just said, mind too foggy to really pay attention to anything besides the hug, but it works miracles in bringing him back down to earth once he realizes the double entendre.

“Jongwoon, I swear,” Ryeowook stammers. He can feel blood rushing to his cheeks in embarrassment as Jongwoon laughs into his neck. “Why do you always do this ?”

“Do what, state facts ?” Jongwoon nudges him. Ryeowook tries to break free of his hold, too startled and shocked by his boyfriend’s comment to want to stay close to him, but Jongwoon doesn’t let go. “Hm, maybe I should take pictures of you covered in my cum once we get home,” the man adds then, thinking out loud, and his words make Ryeowook freeze in place.

_ Why the fuck does he like that idea ? _

“Sadly, it’s not something I want anybody else to see,” he continues, voice low in his ear. “So we’re gonna have to keep your clothes on for now.”

Without giving Ryeowook time to speak, Jongwoon reaches into the right pocket of his bomber jacket, leaving one arm wrapped tightly around the boy, to take out his small digital camera—with Ryeowook still blushing profusely, Jongwoon extends his arm out to snap a quick picture of him kissing the boy’s cheek, who whines in protest when he realizes what just happened.

“You are _ not _ putting that in your album,” Ryeowook warns him. “I wasn’t ready !”

“Don’t worry about that, angel,” Jongwoon assures him. “You always look so pretty when you’re flustered and caught off guard.”

Jongwoon kisses him on the cheek again, but he doesn’t take a picture of it this time.

“Enough teasing,” he winks, and he finally lets go of the boy. “We have blank pages to fill.”

Ryeowook’s mind still feels foggy when they get back to Jongwoon’s car at the end of the day, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s tired or if he has yet to fully snap back to reality from slipping into subspace earlier—he’s gotten better at noticing when it happens, but this fine thread he’s balancing on between full awareness and his more submissive state is still confusing to him.

They’d run around quite a lot to find the perfect spots to take pictures at—as it turns out, both of them are quite the perfectionist, and with them leaning heavily toward the artistic side of things, this can quickly evolve into a nightmare—and hadn’t taken much time to rest, so it does make sense that Ryeowook feels tired, but it’s not the same type of feeling he’s used to when that happens.

The thing that confuses him in all of this is how easily he’d slipped without Jongwoon doing anything to him, and he starts to wonder if it’s possible that this whole dominant-submissive thing they’ve got going on can carry on into everyday life and not just during sex. He’s thought up until then that it was just a sex thing, but he’s not so sure anymore.

It seems that even when they’re just hanging out together, Jongwoon has this strong dominant energy that just makes Ryeowook feel tiny and vulnerable, yet inexorably drawn to the man, and he can recall, in hindsight, that it’s happened a few times before. The little coffee date they’d been on after they’d gotten tested for STDs is the one that immediately jumps at him—just the way Jongwoon had been looking at him then got him to feel this way, and that was before he was even aware of Jongwoon’s kinkier side.

He tries to remember if he’d felt the same way the night they met before they ended up in the bathroom to escalate the flirting to an entirely new level, but there’s not much he can recall clearly besides Jongwoon’s cock in his mouth. He barely remembers how he’s managed to convince the man that he was worth a shot in the first place—just that he’d been the one to approach him, even if Jongwoon is the one who seems more like the type to make the first move between the two of them.

“I think I missed going on dates with you,” Jongwoon suddenly admits out of the blue, pulling Ryeowook out of his thoughts. “Today was fun. We should go out more often.”

Jongwoon gives the boy a side glance and a little smile, and he reaches over to him to place his hand on his thigh, keeping the other firmly on the wheel.

“As long as you don’t end up spending hundreds on me, I’m down,” Ryeowook giggles, remembering all the bickering over splitting the bill whenever they went out back when they weren’t official yet.

“I thought we agreed that I was allowed to spoil you however I want,” Jongwoon pouts slightly.

“I agreed for _ one time_,” Ryeowook contests, but he can’t help the laugh that escapes him because seeing Jongwoon sulk like that is _ adorable_. He really is just a big baby in the body of a grown man.

“I’ll make you agree to more,” Jongwoon claims confidently, and he gives Ryeowook’s thigh a tight little squeeze. “Just watch me.”

Jongwoon winks at him and he pulls up into the driveway of his apartment block, and Ryeowook suddenly gets a silly idea as they walk into the building.

“Race you up the stairs,” he calls, and without letting Jongwoon any time to process what he’s telling him, Ryeowook bolts up the staircase, laughing like an idiot.

Jongwoon blinks. “You little—”

He smiles to himself, thinking that he shouldn’t be so excited playing along to such a childish game at his age, but he decides that fuck it, he’s still allowed to have fun, and he’s never been one to turn down a challenge.

He hasn’t been to the gym since his break up with Hyukjae, so he’s more out of shape than he used to be; nonetheless, he’s still able to catch up to Ryeowook as they get close to his floor, and the boy yelps in surprise when Jongwoon traps him in his arms and gives him a gross, sloppy kiss on the side of his neck on purpose just to tease him, leaving the spot all wet and tingly from his spit.

The both of them are still laughing as Jongwoon walks them up to his door, and he lets Ryeowook type in the keycode to unlock it, which is a task that proves harder than it sounds when the boy has Jongwoon sucking into his neck on a spot that’s already bruised the entire time.

Ryeowook needs to mourn another pair of underwear on that day when he ruins it after Jongwoon dry humps him to orgasm against the closed door. At least they make sure to eat dinner this time around.

It’s pouring rain on Sunday, and they’re forced to stay in. Not that either of them had any other plans, especially not Jongwoon, who spends the entire time visibly sulking and clinging onto the boy, although he never mentions it. He doesn’t really need to, given Ryeowook has an idea why he’s acting that way—the week is over, meaning the boy has to go home in the evening, and he’s not looking forward to it.

And neither is Ryeowook, not that it’s a surprise to either of them.

It’s early evening now, just after dinner, and the atmosphere is uncomfortably morose and heavy, something neither of them are used to experiencing when they’re together. Goodbyes are never easy for them, but they’re usually not this dejectedly gloomy—normally, Jongwoon loves to look on as the boy puts the extra food he loves to prepare for the man to eat during the week into little containers, but this time, there’s none of that sentiment of domesticity and gratefulness lingering in the air.

Everything just feels… sad.

Ryeowook looks at the time displayed on the stove, and he sighs cheerlessly as he lets himself fall back against Jongwoon, who’d been hugging him from behind this entire time. _ Clingy _ really was a light way to describe the man’s behaviour for the entire day, but Ryeowook doesn’t complain. If anything, he doesn’t want Jongwoon to let go.

“This should last you for the whole week,” Ryeowook states as he stacks the plastic containers on top of each other to make it easier to put away. His voice sounds uncharacteristically flat and joyless.

Jongwoon’s only half-listening to him, and Ryeowook is aware of it, but the silence is just starting to weigh down on him by now and he can’t bear it.

“I need to put these in the fridge,” the boy speaks again, and Jongwoon reluctantly lets go of him so he can carry the food over to his refrigerator, still not saying a word.

Ryeowook almost feels heartbroken when the aluminum door closes in front of him, because now it means he has to go for real, and the thought shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. The week he’d spent with Jongwoon, despite the way it started and the fight they had, almost felt like a fairy tale to him, one he wishes could never end.

Ryeowook slowly turns around to face Jongwoon, and the next thing he knows, the man almost tackles him to the fridge—cupping his face with both his hands, Jongwoon crashes his lips onto his, pulling the boy into a kiss so full of passion and urgency that it has his head spinning, and one he gladly reciprocates without hesitation.

Jongwoon then lowers his hands all the way down to grab the back of Ryeowook’s thighs, right below his ass, and the boy immediately understands the message; he jumps up, wrapping his legs around the man’s waist, and he lets him carry him to the island counter so he could sit on it. They never break the kiss once.

“We probably shouldn’t be doing this,” Ryeowook breathes against Jongwoon’s lips, not bothering to pull away—even he isn’t convinced of his own words.

“We probably shouldn’t,” Jongwoon quips, mimicking Ryeowook’s actions, and he sneaks his left hand under the hem of the boy’s shirt to tease the sensitive skin of his lower belly, making the boy shiver.

Despite the both of them agreeing that this really isn’t the right time for them to be doing this, neither breaks away or makes any attempt to—on the contrary, they let the kiss grow more and more heated, until Jongwoon pulls Ryeowook forward with his hand resting on his lower back, pressing their hips against each other so they can feel how hard they both are now, even through the thicker denim of the boy’s pants.

Jongwoon is still in his underwear. He never bothered to fully get dressed after they showered earlier, probably to stall Ryeowook’s departure, since he’s the one who’s supposed to drive him back home.

Ryeowook moans into the kiss, and it’s only then that they put an end to their kiss, although their lips rest only mere centimetres away from the other’s. Jongwoon leans forward to press their foreheads together as they try and catch their breath, but his hold on the boy doesn’t loosen for a second.

Ryeowook wants to speak up then, but the only thing he manages to do is to kiss Jongwoon again—this time it’s softer, but still just as passionate, and Jongwoon welcomes it without complaints.

“I really don’t want to go,” Ryeowook pants in between kisses. They’re both seemingly unable to stop, even though their rational side is screaming at them to snap back to reality.

“Then don’t,” Jongwoon groans, and his left hand comes to join his right on the small of Ryeowook’s back to pull the boy even closer, if that’s even possible.

“Sungmin’s gonna get worried,” the boy then adds, almost as if he’s trying to convince himself not to listen to his heart and follow his brain.

Jongwoon grunts and bites down on Ryeowook’s lower lip. _ Fuck. Why did he have to mention him ? _

“Who cares about him ?” Jongwoon blurts out despite him, annoyed on Ryeowook’s behalf that Sungmin really does have to constantly keep tabs on him. “We’re busy. He can wait.”

“Not for hours,” Ryeowook argues—Jongwoon’s really not the type to go for a quickie.

Jongwoon groans his reticence to let go of him and he rolls his eyes. “Make it quick.”

The assertive tone of Jongwoon’s voice sends chills down Ryeowook’s spine, and the boy scrambles to take his phone out of his pocket as fast as he can to send Sungmin a text just to tell him he’s going to spend the night at Jongwoon’s instead in the end and to not worry about him.

He doesn’t even have time to put his phone back down before the little speech bubble appears on Sungmin’s side, signaling that he’s typing something, and Ryeowook frowns at the text he receives a few seconds later.

Confused and a bit worried at Ryeowook’s expression, Jongwoon stares at the boy’s face intently. He fears for a moment that Sungmin’s insisting on him coming back home.

“What’s wrong ?” he questions, pushing his earlier frustration to the back of his mind to fully focus on Ryeowook.

“He wants me to call him,” Ryeowook replies, and he looks just as confused as Jongwoon is as he sends his friend a simple _ ‘why ?’_, hoping to get away with it.

“Why ?” Jongwoon asks in his turn, and his frustration is back to the frontline.

“I don’t know, I just asked h—” Ryeowook is cut off when he receives Sungmin’s answer, and he looks down at the screen. “He says he needs to hear it in my voice that I’m okay.” Ryeowook frowns again. He doesn’t understand why his friend is so insistent all of a sudden. Even for Sungmin, this is weird. “Probably because I told him I was sick on Friday ?”

Jongwoon wants to believe this is the reason behind this, because the one he’s thinking of is much less pleasant, but he can’t fool himself. Ryeowook may be completely oblivious to it, but Jongwoon knows Sungmin is weary of him, and given how he vehemently refused to even let him buy him a cup of coffee, Jongwoon wouldn’t be surprised if Sungmin just straight up hated him at this point.

The feeling is starting to get mutual, because Jongwoon really doesn’t like how the guy treats Ryeowook; and the mere thought of someone even entertaining the idea that he’d ever hurt the boy like he thinks Sungmin is doing right now has his blood boiling.

“You’re gonna have to talk to him about doing that,” Jongwoon advises. “Or _ I _ will. And I can’t promise I’ll be nice to him.”

“I know…”

“Are you going to call him ?”

“If I don’t, _ he _ will,” Ryeowook sighs in defeat.

“This is the last time you’re doing that,” Jongwoon asserts, and Ryeowook doesn’t think he’s ever seen the man be so stern before. “He’s gonna have to learn and accept that you’re an adult who doesn’t need to run tabs by anyone. Do you understand ?”

Ryeowook nods almost immediately. This is the first time he actually feels intimidated by Jongwoon, and now he understands what Henry meant when he said his boyfriend was _ scary _ when he’s angry. Ryeowook knows he’s not angry _ at him_, but at Sungmin, but fuck, now he has another thing to add to the endless list of reasons not to piss him off.

“_Answer me_,” Jongwoon insists.

“Y-yeah, I understand,” Ryeowook stammers, and he almost doesn’t want to call his friend now. Dealing with Sungmin’s spam calls sounds way more appealing all of a sudden.

Still, he shakily clicks on Sungmin’s name in his contact list to call him, and he hopes he doesn’t sound too startled over the phone when his friend picks up.

Jongwoon angrily pulls away from Ryeowook, unsure if he’s able to stand hearing even half of their conversation. The boy lets himself slide back down to the floor, landing on his feet just as Sungmin finally answers his call.

“Are you sure you’re okay ?” This is the first thing the boy hears from his friend—not even a hello or how was your day; just irrational worry, and if Ryeowook weren’t so busy trying to tune out Jongwoon glaring at him in untamed rage, he would’ve probably come up with some snarky remark about it.

“Yeah, don’t worry,” Ryeowook tries to reassure him, but he curses himself because even he realizes just how hesitant he sounds right now. Sungmin’s not going to buy that, he knows it.

“Is Jongwoon with you ?”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s right next to me.”

Something ticks up in his ear when he hears Ryeowook speak; he can’t hear what Sungmin is saying, but he can easily guess he’s asked something regarding him. He doesn’t like it.

“Are you still sick ? Is that why you’re staying with him ?” Sungmin keeps questioning as he tries to connect the dots that aren’t there—the fact that Ryeowook sounds so fidgety and that Jongwoon is nearby has his mind spinning in all kinds of directions.

“No, I’m fine now. I think it was just a stomach bug. I just felt like staying another night, that’s all.”

“Are you _ sure _ ?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Ryeowook replies, this time a bit more assertively. He’s starting to get annoyed too. “Jongwoon is taking good care of me, so you have no reason to worry, okay ?”

Something snaps inside of Jongwoon’s brain at that; he really doesn’t like the fact that Ryeowook even has to mention that he’s in good hands under any circumstances, because it _ should _ be a given.

“I’m sorry I’m bugging you so much,” Sungmin apologizes. He really does feel bad, but he can’t help it. “I’m just worried about you, with everything that happened this week.”

“Yeah, I know. But I promise I’m okay—”

Ryeowook is cut off abruptly when Jongwoon comes up behind him and pushes his front against the counter, bending him over the top without a single word, and all Ryeowook gets as a clue to figure out what the hell Jongwoon is doing right now is the outline of the man’s hard cock flush against his ass. The boy pulls the phone away from him as much as he can, almost dropping it at one point, and he turns his head to the side to look at Jongwoon from the corner of his eye to try and read the man’s expression.

“Jongwoon, what are you d—”

Jongwoon grunts, rolling his hips against the boy’s before he bends over him, covering his entire body with his own. He starts nibbling at the side of Ryeowook’s neck, still littered with bruises from Friday night, and the boy can’t stifle a moan when his teeth graze lightly over a particularly sensitive one.

“Your friend wants to hear that you’re okay, right ?” Jongwoon groans. His tone is a bit condescending, and Ryeowook doesn’t know if it’s directed at him or at Sungmin. “How about we show him how good you feel with my cock pounding into your little ass, hm ?”

Ryeowook whimpers at Jongwoon’s words, and he drops his phone on the countertop as every one of his muscles gives up on him—_fuck_. He would’ve never thought he’d be into something like this; the idea of his friend potentially being able to hear them having sex has his cock pulsing into his pants, and he gives Jongwoon the go-ahead by nodding excitedly.

“You’d like that, huh ?” Jongwoon keeps teasing, purring into his ear, and he makes quick work of unzipping Ryeowook’s pants, pulling them down to his mid-thigh. He can’t be bothered taking them off completely. He doesn’t need to. “You want to show the world daddy is the only one who can make you feel this good, don’t you ?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook stutters, voice croaking slightly as he tries not to make too much noise, as much as a part of him _ wants _ Sungmin to hear. “I want to prove to Sungmin that there’s no one better than you.”

“Oh ?” Jongwoon fakes his surprise. “Does my little doll want his friend to envy him ? To know he’s never gonna get it as good as you do, or that he won’t ever be able to give you what you need ?”

“_Hng_—” Ryeowook whines, pushing his ass against Jongwoon’s crotch desperately. “Please…”

“Look at you,” Jongwoon sneers. “What a mean little boy you are, wanting his friend to be jealous of him.” The man reaches up to pull at Ryeowook’s hair just enough to lift his head off the counter, baring his throat out to him, and Jongwoon starts leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses around the boy’s Adam’s apple. “You better not hold back on your moans then, baby boy. We have an audience to entertain, this time around.”

On the other end of the line, Sungmin is _ freaking _ out.

He’s stopped frantically calling out Ryeowook’s name about a minute ago when he never got a response, and he’s settled for listening to whatever is happening with his friend, because he still hasn’t hung up on him.

Needless to say he’s absolutely fucking horrified, because all he can hear is the occasional thump of something colliding with a hard surface—or object, he has no way to tell—a very low voice speaking so quietly that there’s no way he can make up any words, and what he thinks is Ryeowook whining as if he’s in pain.

Kyuhyun is staring at his friend with the goofiest smile, because unlike Sungmin, he has no reason to worry about Ryeowook, and his expression is fucking _ hilarious_.

“It’s not funny,” Sungmin scolds him. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on.”

“Put it on speaker,” Kyuhyun suggests, more as a way to humor his friend rather than out of curiosity.

Sungmin listens to him and puts his phone on the coffee table in the living room, and for a moment all they can hear is the low rumble of what they guess is Jongwoon’s voice, followed by the thumping sound again. Then there’s a drawn out whine, louder and longer than before, and Kyuhyun erupts in laughter.

“Oh my god,” he exclaims, almost wheezing. His ribs are starting to hurt. “They’re totally fucking right now.”

“What ?” Sungmin interjects, and he doesn’t know if that option is more or less terrifying than his initial theory.

“They are having sex,” Kyuhyun repeats, pausing between each word as if he were talking to a child who didn’t understand language very well. “You know, when two people like each other, sometimes they wanna be _ really _ close—”

“I know what sex is,” Sungmin cuts in, slightly annoyed that his friend is talking to him as if he’s an idiot. “But doing it in the middle of a phone call ? Who the hell does that ?”

Kyuhyun stares at him as if he’d just told him the Earth was flat. “Have you ever watched porn ?” Sungmin blinks at him, but he doesn’t answer. “You are _ such _ a virgin, oh my god.”

“Shut up, you’re one to talk,” Sungmin grumbles, reaching for his phone to hang up on them, but Kyuhyun slaps his hand away.

“Don’t,” he smiles mischievously, ignoring his friend’s comment about his sex life. “I wanna know how it ends.”

“You can’t be serious right now.”

“It’s not like we’re intruding,” Kyuhyun defends. “They clearly wanted you to hear it. They would’ve ended the call otherwise.”

Sungmin has no idea why he decides to stay with Kyuhyun then. This is going to haunt him for the rest of his life, he knows it.

Jongwoon looks down at his hand, three fingers deep inside the boy, and he judges that he’s finally stretched out enough to take his cock—he’s getting impatient, and feeling how warm and tight Ryeowook’s little hole is with anything but his cock is slowly starting to drive him crazy.

As he withdraws his fingers, he glances over at Ryeowook’s phone, and he sees that the phone call is still ongoing—Sungmin is still listening. _ Good_.

“Ready to let Sungmin know how much you love my cock ?”

Ryeowook nods rapidly, taking no time at all to think.

Jongwoon smirks. “_Beg_.”

Ryeowook chokes on a sob, lightly hitting his forehead against the countertop. Jongwoon’s grip on his wrists, pinned against his lower back, is starting to hurt, and he fucking loves it—loves knowing he can’t move, that he’s trapped and at Jongwoon’s complete mercy, that he can’t do anything but let himself be used for Jongwoon’s own pleasure. This feeling is intoxicating. He feels high.

“Daddy, please,” Ryeowook pleads, trying to push his ass against Jongwoon’s hard cock resting between his cheeks.

Jongwoon groans, and he brings his free hand up to pull at the boy’s hair again, lifting his head up. Ryeowook winces. Fuck. He loves it so much.

“_Louder_,” Jongwoon demands. “Let him hear.”

“Please,” Ryeowook begs again, louder this time at Jongwoon’s request. He feels so fucking embarrassed and _ humiliated _ that he has to do it in front of his friend, but for some reason, it just gets him worked up even more. “I need your cock so fucking bad.”

Jongwoon hums, and it’s Ryeowook’s only warning before the man pushes inside of him, his cock sliding all the way down so perfectly; the ridiculous amount of lube Jongwoon’s used definitely helps with that, because Ryeowook’s little hole still feels so wonderfully tight around him, despite how many fucking times he’s gaped him open by now.

Ryeowook also doesn’t question why Jongwoon even has lube in his kitchen at this point. He really did mean it when he said he was prepared in case they couldn’t make it to the bedroom.

“What do we say to daddy when he gives you what you want ?” Jongwoon questions him as he bottoms out. The edge of the counter is digging into Ryeowook’s hips, and he’s sure it’s going to leave a mark. And he doesn’t give a shit.

“Thank you,” Ryeowook pants. His breathing is uneven.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon praises him, and he lets go of Ryeowook’s hair to place it on his hip, leaving the other to hold the boy’s wrists in place.

Jongwoon starts to move then, immediately settling for a rough and fast pace, leaving Ryeowook no time to get used to it. The boy bites down on his tongue to try and stay quiet as much as possible, his embarrassment overpowering his will and acting up on its own, but Jongwoon isn’t too keen on letting it happen.

Ryeowook hears the slap as Jongwoon’s hand comes into contact with his ass before he can feel it; it takes about a second for the sharp sting to manifest itself, and biting down on his tongue is no longer working out for him.

“Don’t fucking hold back,” Jongwoon curses. “You wanted him to hear you, didn’t you ?”

With Jongwoon’s cock pounding against his most sensitive spot relentlessly and the man’s hand massaging his ass where he’s just spanked him, it’s hard for Ryeowook to even open his mouth to speak.

“M’sorry, daddy…” the boy slurs, and he earns another slap on the same spot as the first one.

“Speak up so daddy can hear you properly,” Jongwoon reprimands him.

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook sobs. He’s sure it was loud enough for Sungmin to hear clearly, this time, and just the thought has his cock twitching. He’s leaking precum right on the tiled floor, and he thinks it’s a goddamn miracle he hasn’t actually cum yet. “I’m sorry, daddy. I won’t hold back anymore.”

Ryeowook honours his promise, in the end, because he’s a good boy, and good boys do what they’re told. And Jongwoon is so, so proud of him for that; he’s learning so quickly and doing so well that he almost forgets Ryeowook has no experience being a submissive at all. He truly is perfect for him.

“Are you ready to cum, angel ?” Ryeowook nods. Fuck yes, he is. “Go ahead. Let him know how much you enjoyed all of that.”

Jongwoon thrusts into him one last time, and he almost cums at the same time Ryeowook does; he’s so fucking aroused by how much the boy is enjoying all of this, enjoying the fact that there’s someone witnessing just how much he enjoy’s Jongwoon’s cock and all he’s doing to him, that he doesn’t think he could’ve lasted much longer.

Taking a deep breath, Jongwoon reaches for Ryeowook’s phone—Sungmin never hung up, meaning there’s a very high chance he’s still on the other end of the line as he brings the device to his ear.

“Sungmin ?” Jongwoon calls out.

Sungmin stares at his phone, then back at Kyuhyun, and he has no fucking clue what to answer with. It doesn’t help that Jongwoon is speaking unsettlingly calmly, as if nothing had happened all this time, which only adds to his shock and confusion.

“I just noticed Ryeowook never hung up,” the man continues, and he sounds so convincing that Sungmin almost believes him for a hot minute. “I hope you’re not too mad at him for leaving you hanging for so long.”

Ryeowook is too fucked out of his mind to fully realize what’s happening, still high as fuck on his climax; Jongwoon is staring at him lovingly, and he lets go of his wrists to trace his thumb along the rim of his hole, still stretched out around his softening cock.

“He’s a bit busy right now,” he continues, mesmerized by the sight of the blissed out expression on the boy’s face—he looks so calm and at peace despite his uneven breathing. He’s absolutely ethereal. “I’ll make sure to remind him to call you back later.”

Jongwoon hangs up then, and a part of him is glad Ryeowook can’t see the satisfied grin that creeps onto his lips as he sets the phone down on the counter next to the boy.

_ Or not_, he thinks, continuing the conversation inside his mind. _ Depending on the state his baby will be in once he’s done with him. _

The night is still young, after all.


	10. Those Wounds That Just Won't Heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five days. That's how long it took me to write this behemoth of a chapter, somehow. Well, six if you count the one day off I took after posting chapter 9, but please don't start expecting me to churn out chapters this quickly now, because even I have no idea what happened here ㅠㅠ I guess the angst inspired me, ahah
> 
> Oh, yeah. This chapter is like, 70% angst. I'm not sorry about the horror scene I threw in either (you'll know which one I'm talking about once you get to it, lol)
> 
> As always, salute to [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for sticking up with me while I wrote this monstrosity, and [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) if you wanna get updates because I tend to spam them whenever I write ahahah

“You got everything ?” Jongwoon asks calmly. There’s a lump in his throat that he has to swallow back before he speaks, though, and Ryeowook picks up on it.

He doesn’t mention it. He’s got one too, and he thinks addressing the issue will just make it worse for the both of them.

Ryeowook looks back at his stuff lying in the backseat of Jongwoon’s car and nods, quietly humming his reply.

Jongwoon reaches out for him then, placing the palm of his right hand on the boy’s cheek, and he strokes the soft skin of his cheekbones with his thumb. The smile he gives him is underlined with bitterness and regret, as if he feels guilty for letting Ryeowook go back to his normal life after the week they’ve spent together.

“You know you’re always welcome home, right ?” Jongwoon speaks—his voice almost cracks a bit there. The stupid lump in his throat is back. Dammit. “You know the code to my door. You can come in whenever you want. You don’t have to ask or even tell me. I don’t mind if I’m not home when you get there or if I’ve got people over already. I’ll… I’ll always be happy to see you. So, if you ever feel like it, for whatever reason… don’t hesitate, okay ?”

Ryeowook stares at him for a second, unable to fully process what Jongwoon is telling him. Knowing the man by now, he understands that this is as close to a confession he can get; Jongwoon _wants_ him by his side, even if he’s making it look like he’s just giving him a suggestion.

The boy smiles at him a bit shyly, and he reaches over to wrap his arms around his shoulders to hug him tightly. Ryeowook is overjoyed knowing Jongwoon really wants to _be_ with him, but he’s mostly thankful, because his boyfriend is offering him a place he can truly call _home_.

Jongwoon holds him against his frame just as tightly.

“I’ll miss you,” Ryeowook breathes against the man’s neck.

They both feel ridiculous acting like they’re never going to see each other again, but it almost feels like it at this point.

Their bond truly is something else now, Ryeowook thinks.

“I’ll call you tonight,” Jongwoon tells him as he leaves a quick kiss on his cheek before he lets go, albeit against his will. “I hope you have a nice day, baby.”

“You too,” Ryeowook responds automatically. “Good luck on your meeting today. I think you’ll need it.”

Jongwoon sighs dramatically. “_Ugh_, don’t remind me.”

“You can tell me how it went tonight,” Ryeowook giggles. “When I bail you out of jail for aggravated assault.”

“I won’t get arrested if there’s no body to be found,” Jongwoon jokes.

“Jongwoon !” Ryeowook interjects, unable to contain his laughter.

“I’m _joking_,” Jongwoon reassures him, although he knows he doesn’t need to. “No punching people today. I can’t promise I won’t get angry, though.”

“I’ll accept that,” Ryeowook chuckles, and he kisses Jongwoon on the cheek as he gets ready to get out of the car and go to class. “Talk to you tonight.”

Jongwoon smiles at him as a response, and he watches him carefully as he takes his stuff out of his car. He waits until the boy is out of sight, swallowed by the crowd of students walking into the building, before he turns the engine on again and drives back home. His heart feels heavy, but the echo of Ryeowook’s laughter bouncing around in his head prevents him from sulking over their separation.

Okay, maybe he’s speaking too soon. He’s definitely sulking, but it’s not _as bad_ as it could be.

Saying Jongwoon is in a bad mood for the rest of the day would be putting it lightly.

His stomach is tangled into knots and he feels like he might get sick any minute. The mere sight of the S&J building gives him PTSD at this point, and he curses his twenty-one-year-old self for having dreams and acting like a dumbass about them. The life he’s able to live thanks to this publishing deal is something to be envied, and he’s grateful for that, but he regrets ever signing this stupid contract with them because of everything else that comes with it. The stress, the pressure, the constraints, the deadlines to respect… he truly wonders if the money is worth it at this point.

To make matters worse, Sooman apparently decided to show up late, and for a second Jongwoon thinks the arrogance in this is enough to warrant the old man a punch in the face once he finally decides to show up—if only he didn't actually care about keeping himself out of trouble as much as possible. He doesn’t want a lawsuit on his hands. He’s got enough pressure from his work alone for now.

“For once I get here on time and that fuckhead finds a way to be late to his own meeting,” Jongwoon spits through gritted teeth.

“Come on, Jongwoon,” Jungsoo pleads with him. “It took me everything to try and convince Mr Lee to hear you out. At least consider _trying_ to be civil ?”

The side glare his remark earns him makes Jungsoo wish he could shrink in his chair. Jongwoon may not look it at first glance, but he can be truly terrifying when he wants to—there's something about the fire constantly burning _cold_ in his eyes that comes off as downright _threatening_ for anyone unlucky enough to be met with his anger, and unfortunately for Jungsoo, it often tends to be the case for him.

“I don’t know how you can do it,” Jongwoon exhales out of nowhere as he leans back into his chair in exasperation.

“Do what ?”

“Be Sooman’s puppet,” he explains. As angry as he is at Jungsoo, Jongwoon mostly feels bad for the guy.

“I don’t really have a choice,” Jungsoo states, and it seems Jongwoon struck a chord with him, because his editor sounds just as annoyed as he is—something he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jungsoo show before. “Trust me, I want to headbutt him as much as you do, and I honestly would if I didn’t absolutely need this job.”

Jongwoon looks at him curiously. He realizes now that despite how long they’ve known each other, he isn’t really acquainted with the guy; he doesn’t know anything about him outside of work, and even then, the fact that he looks so done with his job now tells him even what he’d been sure of before is completely wrong.

“Money problems ?” Jongwoon guesses randomly. He doesn’t know why he’s intrigued by Jungsoo’s personal life so suddenly. He doesn’t know why he even cares enough in the first place.

“Lawyer fees,” Jungsoo sighs almost angrily, and Jongwoon squints at him. He’s even more confused now. “Divorce. Wife trying to get full custody of our son. This sort of thing.”

“_Oh_,” Jongwoon lets out—this is awkward. “I’m, hum… sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Jungsoo dismisses. “Just… take this advice for me. Don’t ever get married.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Jongwoon chuckles to himself. “Marriage is probably the last thing I’ll ever do.”

“Oh, right, I forgot it’s not really possible for you,” Jungsoo realizes then, and he feels a bit apologetic about it.

“Even then, marriage is just… not really for me.”

“Wish it would’ve been the same for me,” the older man jokes, and the conversation falls flat. It’s not awkward by any means, though, and Jongwoon appreciates this last moment of serenity before Sooman finally walks into the room with a stupid smile on his face that just makes him want to punch the man even harder than before.

The only thing that stops him now is that he can almost hear Ryeowook’s voice in his head scolding him for it.

“Sorry for being late,” Sooman apologizes, but there’s not even a single ounce of sincerity in his voice. He’s not really the type to feel sorry. Or any empathy in general. He’s got Won signs in place of a brain. “But that will give us a reason not to dwell on this meeting for too long.”

The man takes a seat on the other side of the table, sitting right in front of Jongwoon as if to taunt him, and Jongwoon gets a brief vision of him throwing one of the empty chairs at him.

He doesn’t think there’s anyone in the world he can hate as much as this guy, and Jongwoon’s met his fair share of despicable people in his life.

“So, what can I do for you today ?” The older man inquires, staring at Jongwoon with a dopey smile plastered on his face, as though he doesn’t realize how angry and tired he is because of him—but Jongwoon is convinced the man is aware of it. He _has_ to. No one can be that much of an airhead.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Jongwoon hisses, slouching back in his chair. He gets a scolding look from Jungsoo, who silently incites him to at least try to be more cooperative, and the man sighs. “I need more time to write the sequel you _demanded_.” Jongwoon makes a point to emphasize the last word, because it’s not like Sooman _asked_ for it—Jongwoon never had a say in the matter.

Sooman blinks and cocks his head to the side. “More time ? How far have you gotten by now ?”

“Five chapters and a half and the outline of the story,” Jongwoon states flatly, staring at the man in front of him with cold, dark eyes—the same ones that absolutely terrify Jungsoo, who grips the armrests of his chair subconsciously.

Jungsoo doesn’t know what it is about Jongwoon that makes him so frightening, because it’s not like he’s ever seen the man be violent beyond cursing and verbal insults, but there’s something deep inside of him that’s been screaming at him not to fuck with the guy since the day they met almost nine years ago. He can handle speaking to him over the phone, but in person, Jongwoon just has this _aura_ Jungsoo can’t describe that’s just downright intimidating and makes him feel like he’s nothing more than a tiny ant beneath him.

Kim Jongwoon is terrifying, pure and simple.

“That’s not much,” Sooman exclaims calmly despite his initial shock.

“That’s what I have to give you right now,” Jongwoon retorts. His jaw is starting to hurt from how hard it’s clenching, and he has to bite his tongue every time he opens his mouth to speak so he doesn’t just tell the man to go fuck himself and leave. “You first told me to write this thing two months ago, how the hell can you expect to have a full story by now ? For someone who’s been in the business for decades, you sure know jack shit about how long it takes to write an entire _goddamn_ book.”

“Jongwoon—” Jungsoo calls out, but he gets cut by Sooman with a simple hand signal.

“It’s okay, Jungsoo,” the man dismisses. “Let the man be angry if he wants to. He tends to write better when he’s got some steam to blow off.”

This comment is the last fucking straw from Jongwoon, who stands up hurriedly, sending the chair back to roll and hit the wall with a noise loud enough to make Jungsoo flinch.

“That’s fucking it,” Jongwoon explodes, and it takes everything he has not to walk over to the man and choke him with his tie. “Is that all I am to you ?! A machine you can overuse and play with because you’re convinced it won’t break ? Well, guess what, old man, you just fucking broke it, and I’m fucking done. I’m out.”

“No need to be so dramatic, Jongw—”

“Dramatic ? You think I’m being _dramatic_ ?!” Jongwoon shouts. His fists are so tightly closed that he thinks he might break the skin of his palm with his nails. He’s about to go blind with rage. He’s honestly surprised he hasn’t yet by now. “How would _you_ feel if you had someone making ridiculous amounts of money off your name, blood, sweat and tears, while he sits back and does nothing but pressure you into making him more money all day ?! Oh, right, you don’t know how that fucking feels, because you’re the asshole who uses others like that, and you always were.”

Jongwoon is shaking now—from anger or anxiety, he can’t tell, because he feels like he’s about to have a mental breakdown from this. Nine years of pent up frustration, stress, feelings of inadequacy, pressure and overworking himself into a burnout are coming out all at once, and for a second there, he thinks he might cry. But he can’t let the man see him break like that. He can’t let him know how much power he holds over him, because Jongwoon refuses to acknowledge him himself; refuses to admit that he’s Sooman’s puppet too, on the same level as Jungsoo is, if not worse.

“You’d be _nothing_ without me and you know it all too well,” Jongwoon accuses, his voice now sounding cold, lifeless, but most of all completely broken and drained—he’s so _done_. “So you’re either going to let me finish this at my own pace without complaints, or I’m walking out that fucking door and you’ll never see me again.”

Sooman remains silent, and for a minute, Jongwoon holds on to that small thread of hope he sees hanging in front of him that he’s got the man cornered—he grips it so tightly it almost hurts, but reality is quick to crash down on him once again once he sees the old man’s face fall and grow harsher, sterner, and Jongwoon can feel the last bit of his energy vanish from him. It’s a miracle he’s able to stay on his feet and not fall backwards onto his chair. Or the floor, in that case, since his seat is out of reach.

Sooman stands up in his turn to glare at Jongwoon with the same look the man had given him minutes ago, and Jungsoo reflexively mimics both men to come and stand next to Jongwoon, sensing the storm that’s about to come.

“The same could be said about you, _Yesung_,” Sooman jeers. Only he could make Jongwoon’s pen name sound like an insult. “You’d be nothing without me either, and you know that too, don’t you ?”

Jongwoon’s heart stops beating then; not out of fear, but hopelessness, because as much as he wants to fool himself, _Sooman isn’t wrong_. If it weren’t for Sooman’s willingness to give a twenty-one-year-old college student with nothing to his name but a legendary frat pledge a chance to prove himself and his talent, Jongwoon would be living an entirely different life, probably working as a literature teacher and growing more and more bitter as time went by for leaving his passion and dreams behind, but if he looks at the situation he’s found himself in in the end, he’s not freer than he would be with a nine-to-five job he feels no passion for.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to be here any longer. He’s going to break, if it’s not already done by now. He can’t tell, because he’s so drained at this point that he feels nothing but this crushing emptiness eating at him from the inside, and his limbs have grown completely numb. He no longer feels _there_ at all.

“I’d rather be nothing than a slave to you,” Jongwoon tries to hold his ground, but his words hold no value. He himself doesn’t know if he even means them.

Sooman sighs in resolve, because despite how threatening he’d been with him, Jongwoon had been right too when he implied he was their most important assert—losing him would mean losing more money than Sooman is willing to sacrifice, as stubborn as Jongwoon is acting right now.

“You have until September 1st to deliver something that can pass first review,” Sooman announces as he gets ready to leave the room. “Do not make me regret my clemency.”

Jongwoon can do nothing but watch as Sooman disappears into the hallway, frozen in place. Four months is _nothing_ for the scale of the story he’s writing, but it’s more than Sooman’s ever allowed him before. He should be celebrating this victory, but Jongwoon can’t perceive himself as a winner of anything right now. He’s still stuck following Sooman’s orders, still stuck with this contract he knows he can’t break unless he wants a lawsuit on his hands to get his name back, and he doesn’t have the energy to involve himself in a battle he knows he won’t win.

He doesn’t have the energy to do anything, actually.

“Are you okay ?” Jungsoo checks in, placing his hand on Jongwoon’s shoulder to startle him back to the real world.

“I don’t have a choice but to be,” Jongwoon breathes, but his words don’t sound the littlest bit sincere. “I’ll be okay. I just… need to calm down and collect myself. But I’ll be fine.”

His insistence only ebb Jungsoo to worry more, because as fearful of Jongwoon as he is, seeing him like this is probably even more unsettling to him. It’s the first time he’s seen him be so… _human_. He’s seen him mingling with other people at launch parties before, but he’d always act so professional and the smiles he’d give people always seemed fake and a bit forced—the only times Jongwoon had appeared genuinely happy to him were when Hyukjae would tag along with him, but those moments were so short and sparse that Jungsoo can’t really count them.

It’s gotten so much worse after they broke up, to the point where Jongwoon now feels like a completely different person than the one he’d been just last year at the last launch party they’d attended.

“Look,” Jungsoo speaks up hesitantly. “I know we’re not really all that close, but we share a common enemy, so if you ever feel like going out for a drink to take a break, just call me.”

Jongwoon can’t hide his surprise, but he still manages to give Jungsoo a thankful little smile as a response. “I hope you’re serious because I might take you up on that offer.” He forces out a chuckle, hoping to lighten up his mood even a little bit.

He knows it’s in vain, because he’s about to go home to an empty place, and he’d already been dreading it so much he had refused to go back in the morning after dropping Ryeowook off, preferring to spend his time at a café on his own downtown.

“I am,” Jungsoo confirms. “I might need that drink too.”

Jungsoo awkwardly pats the man on the shoulder as they both know it’s time for them to leave, but the older man isn’t looking forward to nagging the other _slaves_ under Sooman’s grasp—they’re not as lucky as Jongwoon is, unfortunately, and they don’t have power over their deadline the way the man does.

“I’ll try not to nag you too much until the deadline,” Jungsoo chuckles as he’s about to walk out the door. “But I might pop in from time to time just to know how things are going.”

“I’ll try to answer your messages,” Jongwoon jokes back, and Jungsoo gives him an amused little smile as he vanishes in his turn, the same way Sooman had moments ago.

Jongwoon sighs deeply and picks up his phone—force of habit, he guesses—to send a short but sweet text to Ryeowook, hoping his day is going well, even if his is going down the drain at the speed of sound.

Ryeowook almost gets his hand crushed by his locker door when he gets momentarily distracted by the text he’s just received from his boyfriend, only avoiding catastrophe by a hair. He looks over at the figure looming over him to see his taller friend grinning at him like a devil, and he glares at him.

“What the fuck, Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook curses. “You nearly crushed my hand closing the door like that !”

“But did I ?” Kyuhyun counters, still grinning like an idiot.

“I _hate_ you.”

“I love you too,” Kyuhyun quips, patting Ryeowook’s head, and he gets his hand swatted into the metal locker door as a result. “_Ow._”

“Deserve,” Ryeowook chuckles, happy that it seems to have wiped his stupid mischievous expression off his face. Kyuhyun’s usually up to no good anyway, always teasing or pulling pranks on him and Sungmin who, speaking of which, is nowhere to be found. Ryeowook hadn’t had time to join his friends all day since his Monday schedule is pretty packed, but seeing Kyuhyun on his own without Sungmin tagging along is just _weird_. “Where’s Sungmin ?”

“I think he’s trying to avoid you,” Kyuhyun states as if it were the most normal thing in the world. “His little virgin heart couldn’t handle what you pulled on him yesterday.”

Kyuhyun can almost see the gears spinning inside the boy’s head as he tries to understand what the hell he’s talking about, and he struggles to keep a straight face when he witnesses the exact moment everything clicks and Ryeowook’s expression shifts from confusion to utter embarrassment. He’d completely forgotten about it up until now.

“Oh God,” Ryeowook blurts out. He’s absolutely horrified. He’d been so into it when he and Jongwoon were actually doing it, but now, he just wants to crawl into a hole and die there. He’ll never be able to face Sungmin again. “What did he tell you ?”

“Nothing. He put the phone on speaker,” Kyuhyun laughs.

“I’m gonna go fly myself into the sun,” Ryeowook thinks out loud. “How much did you hear ?”

“Not a lot, honestly,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “But enough to traumatize Sungmin, which was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.”

“I am so _embarrassed_,” Ryeowook dejects, hitting his forehead against his locker.

“Don’t be,” his friend consoles him. “It taught him a lesson for nagging you all the time.”

Ryeowook thinks back on the conversation he’s had with Jongwoon about that the day before. He did mean to talk to Sungmin about it, but this wasn’t the way he’d planned it to happen.

“If that makes you feel better, he would’ve hung up if I hadn’t told him to keep it on.”

“You did what ?!” Ryeowook jumps.

“Seeing Sungmin’s face when your boyfriend picked up the phone at the end was worth it, trust me.”

“God, please just kill me,” Ryeowook pleads, his friend’s words doing nothing to reassure him at all.

Kyuhyun gently pats his upper back. “Come on now. It’s not like you’ve never told us about your past flings.”

“Jongwoon is different,” Ryeowook interjects despite himself. He didn’t mean to speak up. Fuck.

“He knows what he’s doing, huh ?” Kyuhyun teases him. Ryeowook feebly nods, figuring that he might as well stop hiding at this point. “I’m so curious now. How is he ?”

“Why do you wanna know that ?”

“I just want to see if my impression of him is correct,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “He gives me Christian Grey vibes.”

Ryeowook snorts despite him. “Don’t say that in front of him,” he snickers. “That’s probably the worst thing you could ever tell him.”

“Why ? Is he actually the opposite ?” Kyuhyun guesses, his nonchalant attitude dropping to be replaced by utter shock.

Ryeowook struggles to contain his laughter then, because this is probably the most ridiculous thing anybody could’ve ever said about his boyfriend. He can’t even imagine Jongwoon ever being the slightest bit submissive; soft, yes, but never in a million years _submissive_.

“Oh, _god_ no.” Ryeowook’s ribs start to hurt from trying to contain his amusement. “No, he just hates that book with a passion.”

“_Interesting_,” Kyuhyun squints. “So I wasn’t completely wrong, then.”

Ryeowook doesn’t reply, but Kyuhyun _knows_ his silence is a confirmation that he’s right.

“I think it’s best if Sungmin doesn’t know about that.”

“Yeah, agreed,” Ryeowook sighs. “I’m just scared of what’s gonna happen now that we have to go home.” The boy tries to think of every possible scenario that could occur then, all of which sound absolutely terrifying to him. “No, you know what, I don’t even wanna think about it. I’m just gonna enjoy the ride back from the comfort of the trunk of your car and then hide in my room forever.”

“Everything’s gonna be _fine_,” Kyuhyun dismisses, throwing his arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders. “It’s not like we didn’t know you both fuck like rabbits.”

“How the hell would you know that ?”

“With the way he looks at you like he wants to eat you alive and how you both cling to each other like magnets ? You can tell.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you know things like that when you’re the biggest incel I’ve ever met,” Ryeowook mumbles.

“Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I don’t know things,” Kyuhyun defends. “And I’m _not_ an incel. Finding love is just not in my priorities at the moment.”

“That’s totally something an incel would say,” Ryeowook pokes at him.

Kyuhyun pulls him forward, locking the boy’s head into place with his harm to ruffle his hair a bit; he’s much stronger and bigger than Ryeowook, so the younger man’s attempts at breaking free fail miserably, to his absolute dismay.

“Have I ever told you that I hate you ?” Ryeowook grunts, voice muffled by Kyuhyun’s arm covering his mouth.

“Multiple times before,” the taller man chuckles. “But I know it comes from a place of _love_.”

As annoying as Kyuhyun is, Ryeowook is thankful he has a friend like him—they may bully each other half the time, but Kyuhyun’s never judged him for anything, and he’s not overbearing like Sungmin is. There are things about him that Ryeowook absolutely can’t stand, but he wouldn’t trade him for the world; and Kyuhyun is right. He _does_ love him, despite everything else.

It’s comforting to know he has a friend as open-minded as Kyuhyun is, which he sadly can’t say for Sungmin, who immediately kills their playful vibe the minute they see him waiting for them leaning against Kyuhyun’s car—the atmosphere grows so heavy all of a sudden that even Kyuhyun can’t come up with a way to lighten it, and it’s saying a lot given the guy’s always been the dedicated comic relief of the group.

His role’s always been to keep harmony between everyone with his cheerful and chill attitude, but there’s nothing he can do to get Sungmin to loosen up and stop pretending like Ryeowook doesn’t exist for the entire ride home, so he stays silent too, even if having to sit in such an enclosed space with this uncomfortable weight suffocating him is nearly unbearable to him.

Ryeowook however doesn’t complain that Sungmin’s acting this way, because that’s exactly what he’d planned to do himself, anyway—and the first thing Ryeowook does when they get to their apartment is to unpack his stuff and throw his dirty clothes in the hamper, hoping to avoid Sungmin even more by acting busy.

Which sadly backfires on him, because he’s trapped in his room with nowhere to escape to once Sungmin opens his door to come in with a serious expression on his face, and Ryeowook contemplates jumping off his window instead of listening to whatever Sungmin has to say to him.

“Can we talk ?” Sungmin asks as he shuts the door behind him carefully.

“About ?” Ryeowook plays innocent, refusing to look at his friend and instead opting to focus more on unpacking his stuff.

“I think you know what it’s about.”

Ryeowook stops moving then and lets out a heavy sigh. Taking his courage in both hands, the boy turns on his heel to face his friend. He tries his hardest to hide how nervous he is, not wanting to let Sungmin see his apprehension and use that to his advantage. Ryeowook hopes that if he looks confident, his friend might drop the subject quicker. Flawed logic, but he’s internally panicking, so it’s the best he could come up with.

“Is he hurting you ?” Sungmin questions, immediately jumping right into the subject. He doesn’t want to beat around the bush, not with something so serious. “Be honest with me.”

“Who, Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook guesses, taken aback by Sungmin’s sudden accusations. “Why would you think that ?”

Sungmin takes a step forward, shortening the gap between them to an arm’s length. “Answer me.”

Sungmin’s voice sounds a lot more concerned and pleading than assertive, and Ryeowook almost feels bad for him, because he looks genuinely worried, even if it’s for completely irrational reasons.

“No,” Ryeowook affirms confidently. “No, he would never. I don’t see how you could ever th—”

Ryeowook is interrupted mid-sentence when Sungmin grabs his left arm, pulling him forward with more force than he probably meant to, and Ryeowook winces when his friend digs his thumb into one of the fresher bruises adorning his inner forearm by accident. Suddenly alarmed, Sungmin makes quick work of lifting Ryeowook’s arm up in the air and tugging his sleeve down, revealing all the marks Jongwoon’s left on him.

It’s the one around the boy’s wrist that’s the most disturbing to him, with the way it looks like it’s cutting into the skin, although he’s unsettled by all of them—there are so many for it to be _normal_, not that having bruises on your arm even is in the first place.

“What the hell is this, then ?” Sungmin interjects, tone growing angrier despite his attempts at remaining calm. “Hickeys, I get. Some bruising on the hips and maybe the thighs, _sure_. But this ? You can’t convince me that _this_ is normal, Ryeowook.”

Ryeowook fights against Sungmin’s grip, and ultimately manages to break free, reflexively pulling away and covering his arm back with the sleeve of his pastel yellow sweater. “That’s not what you think,” Ryeowook defends, but he’s too startled by how weirdly aggressive and accusatory his friend is acting right now to sound convincing.

“What is it, then ?”

“None of your business,” the boy snaps, knowing fully well that telling Sungmin the truth would probably cause him to freak out even more. Kyuhyun is right in suggesting not to tell him any of this. He’s already horrified that Ryeowook has—or used to have—a tendency to sleep around and hook up with people he barely knows, and if the boy himself only knew misconceptions about the type of relationship he and Jongwoon currently have, he can’t imagine how Sungmin’s going to react to this, even if he tries his best to explain it.

“I think it becomes my business when one of my best friends might be in an abusive relationship,” Sungmin quips, unwavering from his position.

“Jongwoon is _not_ abusive,” Ryeowook counters angrily. “You have no right to judge him like that when you don’t even know him.”

“I think I know enough,” Sungmin claims, baffled that Ryeowook is so adamant in defending this asshole. “He’s a thirty-year-old man chasing barely legal college boys because he knows he can manipulate them easier than someone his age. It’s weird and it’s _creepy_.”

“I’m turning twenty-one next month, it’s not _barely legal_, Sungmin,” Ryeowook corrects. “I’m an _adult_. And don’t you dare call Jongwoon a creep. He’s a good man and he makes me happy. Shouldn’t that be all that matters to you ?”

“How am I supposed to see him any other way ?” Sungmin claps back. “I’ve seen him three times by now, and he’s always acting weirdly possessive of you, ordering stuff for you without asking first like he owns you and he’s the one who gets to decide what you want, and that’s not even mentioning what he did yesterday ! It’s fucking weird Ryeowook, how can you not see that ?”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” Ryeowook replies. He’s starting to get really upset by Sungmin’s words and attitude—the way he’s talking about Jongwoon, the only man who can make him happy, feel safe and like he matters, really rubs him the wrong way, and he’s starting to take it personally. Sungmin may be his best friend since teenagehood, but what he’s saying right now deeply wounds him; this isn’t how a best friend should be acting. Sungmin should trust him in his choices and be happy for him that he’s found someone who makes him feel good, not throwing baseless insults at him and doubting his words. “Has it ever crossed your mind that I might like it ? That I might want it to be this way ? Not every relationship works the same way, Sungmin.”

“No _healthy_ relationship is built on daddy issues,” Sungmin blurts out despite him—he only realizes what he’s just said after the words escape him when Ryeowook’s face contorts with hurt and offense, and he instantly starts panicking, scrambling for an apology. “Shit, Ryeowook, I didn’t mean to—”

“Didn’t mean to do what ?” Ryeowook questions, voice croaking from choking back the tears that threaten to leave the corner of his eyes and roll down his cheeks. “It always comes back to that, doesn’t it ? Poor baby Ryeowook was abandoned by his dad as a child and the guy his mom remarried was the worst father figure he could’ve had, so he’s constantly searching for a replacement now, right ? Is that why you make a point to act like you’re my parent ? Because you can’t see past the ‘daddy issues’ ?”

“Ryeowook, I’m sorry—”

“It’s fine, Sungmin, I get it,” Ryeowook stops him again. “But I don’t need your apologies. What I need right now is a friend, not a third _shitty_ father who can’t respect me enough to see me who I am and not what I’ve gone through. So, if you can’t be that, I’d like for you to leave me alone now.” Sungmin opens his mouth to speak, but Ryeowook refuses to let him utter a single sound. “Leave.”

Ryeowook watches angrily as Sungmin does what he’s asked, and he’s no longer able to contain his tears—he doesn’t think he’s ever hurt this much in his life before. He feels so incredibly betrayed and abandoned, as if it’s a repeat of the day his own father up and left and his mom had to break the news to him, but _worse_, somehow, and he can do nothing but curl into a ball on his bed and let all of his pain flow away.

He thinks he’s lost one of his best friends today, and he has a feeling he’s going to mourn this loss for a long, long time.

Ryeowook is on the verge of passing out from exhaustion when his door cracks open lightly, and the boy tries to brush away the tear streaks left on his cheeks with his sleeve as quickly as possible so whoever is coming in doesn’t see them, even if he knows it’s useless given he’s still sniffling and his eyes are probably red and puffy by now.

He lets out an audible sigh of relief when he sees Kyuhyun’s head peeking in from the gap instead of Sungmin coming back to dump baseless apologies on him again.

“Can I come in ?”

Ryeowook nods and sits up on his bed, trying to at least look like he’s in good enough shape to have a conversation with someone. “Yeah. Just close the door behind you.”

Kyuhyun steps in then, albeit a bit hesitantly, and gives Ryeowook a small smile that he means to look recomforting—Kyuhyun’s not the best person to offer emotional support, but it felt wrong for him to stay back and do nothing while he knew his friend was hurt and left alone to cry in the other room.

It’s getting dark outside, so there’s little light in the room at this point besides the small line peeking under the door from the hallway as he shuts the door behind him, but he doesn’t bother turning on the lights. He figures Ryeowook would feel more comfortable staying in the dark right now, and he can still see enough to manoeuvre his way to Ryeowook’s bed at the other end of the room without bumping into anything.

Ryeowook scoots over toward the wall to give Kyuhyun some space to sit next to him, and he waits patiently in silence for his friend to climb on the bed. He surprises himself thinking the dip in the mattress from Kyuhyun’s weight is strangely comforting, for some reason, and he leans over to rest his head against the bigger man’s shoulder instinctually.

“Sungmin told me what happened,” Kyuhyun tells him. “Maybe I should’ve been more supportive of him instead of scolding him for being stupid, because now I think he hates me.”

Ryeowook chuckles despite him. He feels a bit guilty for being so happy Kyuhyun took his side, because as hurt as he is, he doesn’t wish Sungmin any harm. He feels bad that they’re essentially two against him now, but it’s not like he asked Kyuhyun to side with him.

“He’ll come around eventually,” Kyuhyun continues, and he wraps his arm around Ryeowook to pull him against him and rub his back soothingly. “I don’t know if it helps in any way, but I like Jongwoon. He’s cool.”

“You’d probably get along well with him,” Ryeowook mumbles, trying not to think about everything Sungmin’s told him, afraid he might start crying again. “He likes corny jokes too.”

“He’s a man of taste,” Kyuhyun jokes. “For real, though. I like him because I can see that he makes you happy. And hey, if that means you get chained to the bed, I’m cool with that as long as you’re into it.”

Ryeowook slaps him on his chest hard enough to hurt, but Kyuhyun doesn’t let it show. He knows he deserved it.

“You’re so annoying,” Ryeowook laughs. “I swear you and Jongwoon are the same person.”

“Are you saying you’d have sex with me ?” Kyuhyun teases, knowing fully well it’s not what Ryeowook meant by any means.

“No !” Ryeowook immediately responds. “You’re just both… so _stupid_ sometimes.”

Jongwoon looks at his phone absentmindedly as he twirls it around in his hand, completely lost in his own mind, which is spinning a mile a minute, to the point where he doesn’t even have time to focus on his thoughts before another one chimes in, and it’s starting to give him a headache.

Sighing in frustration, Jongwoon sits back up from his lying position on his couch and stares at his phone; Ryeowook’s contact is displayed on the screen, and he smiles to himself for a second when he looks at the picture he’s chosen for him—he’d taken it when they went out for dinner a few months ago, and he’d snapped this picture right as Ryeowook was licking his spoon clean. The picture is quite suggestive, but it’s mostly adorable, and his heart warms up at the memory.

But there’s a lump that settles in his throat when his thumb hovers over the call button that he’s unable to swallow back, and he seemingly loses control of his hand for a moment because of this—because of this uneasy feeling he can’t shake away, as if he were having second thoughts about calling him, despite promising him to do so.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to him. Quite the opposite, actually : he wants that more than anything in the world, but his brain is telling him that it’s a terrible idea, because hearing his voice might just make him miss him even more than he already does. And given his current emotional instability, with everything that happened today, he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea at this point.

“God, I’m so fucking selfish,” Jongwoon breathes out, thinking aloud, when he remembers that he’s _made a promise_ and that he was actually considering breaking it just because he can’t get his shit together. He’s not about to make Ryeowook pay the price of his inner turmoil—he knows what that feels like, after finding himself on the receiving end of it for almost three years, and there’s no way in hell he wants to pull that same stunt on the boy now. Not when he can see what it’s done to him.

Fighting against the irrational side of his mind, Jongwoon finally presses the button, bringing his phone to his ear and slouching back on the couch. He pinches the bridge of his nose hard enough to be painful, hoping to collect his thoughts by the time Ryeowook picks up.

“You have reached the personal number of Mister Kim Ryeowook,” a voice on the other end speaks, and if it weren’t for the fact that whoever this was—Jongwoon can’t recognize the voice right away—mentioned Ryeowook’s name, he would’ve thought he’d somehow clicked on the wrong number. “This is his secretary speaking. How may I help you today, good sir ?”

Jongwoon hears snickering in the distance, but this time, he can easily identify the owner of the voice. He would recognize it anywhere, anytime, and his frantic heart starts to calm down.

He guesses the person who picked up in his place _has_ to be Kyuhyun, because there’s no way Sungmin would’ve ever spoken to him like that.

“I didn’t know he had a secretary,” Jongwoon humours him, figuring playing along for a bit wouldn’t hurt.

“He just hired me to handle the unwanted calls.”

“Oh, am I an unwanted call now ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t know what game Ryeowook is playing with him, making his friend answer for him, but he assumes the boy must be in a teasing mood at the moment, and it calms down his hyperactive nerves a little. “May I speak to him so we can clear things up ?”

“I’ll ask him, please hold the line,” Kyuhyun quips in an automated voice. “Your call is very important for us.”

Jongwoon chuckles to himself as he waits for Kyuhyun to pass the phone to Ryeowook for a few seconds.

Whatever Ryeowook has in mind for doing this, it definitely served right to put him in a better mood.

“Hello ?” he hears the boy call, pretending as if he didn’t know it was Jongwoon on the other end.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Jongwoon greets him softly. Ryeowook can almost hear the giant smile cutting across the man’s face. “What was that little stunt for ?”

“It wasn’t my idea,” Ryeowook defends immediately. “I think Kyuhyun just wanted to make me laugh.”

Jongwoon frowns at that, his protective instincts kicking in and telling him to immediately check if everything’s okay—it could be nothing, but he _has_ to make sure, for Ryeowook’s safety but also to reassure himself that his baby isn’t hurt while he’s so far away from him.

“Is everything alright ?”

Ryeowook takes a while to reply, and Jongwoon doesn’t like that.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook quietly nods. “Yeah, I’m fine now.”

“Now ?” Jongwoon presses. He’s getting worried.

“I just… Sungmin and I had a fight earlier, but everything’s okay now.”

Jongwoon can _tell_ Ryeowook is lying about that last part just from the way his voice quivers a bit, as much as the boy tried to conceal it.

“What happened ?” Jongwoon asked that without thinking, even if he has a good idea of the reason behind their quarrel, and he’s starting to feel sick. Sick at himself, because he knows it’s his fault, and whether it’s because of the phone call from yesterday or the fact that he’s never taken the time to clear up the misunderstanding with Sungmin when he could’ve doesn’t matter.

He wants to apologize, to tell Ryeowook he’s allowed to be angry at him, but no words come out of his mouth; his disgust toward himself is transforming into rage directed at Sungmin, because even if it was his fault in the first place, Sungmin hurt _his baby_ and he can’t accept that, as guilty as he is.

“He was just acting irrational again,” Ryeowook explains, crushing Jongwoon’s heart into dust with how upset he sounds. “Pretending to know what’s right for me better than I do. I got angry and things escalated until they went too far. I think it’s gonna be awkward between us for a long time, but I know it’ll be alright in the end.”

Ryeowook is saying that more to comfort himself than to reassure Jongwoon. He doesn’t sound convinced of his own words at all, and the man notices it right away—but he doesn’t have the heart to say anything that would break the illusion Ryeowook is desperately trying to cling onto, not right now when things are still so fresh in the boy’s mind.

“I’m so sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes, both for his role in all of this but also because he knows Ryeowook must be hurting so much right now. “Do you want me to come get you ? If things are too heavy and awkward with him ?”

Ryeowook hesitates for a bit. “Part of me really wants to say yes,” he admits, “but another tells me to stay and not run away from my problems. Plus, Kyuhyun is with me, so I’m not alone.”

Jongwoon lets out a heavy sigh he wasn’t aware he was holding. It bothers him that he can’t be there to hold Ryeowook in his arms and console him, and he really, _really_ has to fight hard not to drive to him anyway—he wants to respect Ryeowook’s decision first and foremost, but it’s difficult for him to remain calm and collected. His heel is tapping rapidly on the ground in anxiety and frustration, at himself and this whole situation, and he has to dig the fingers of his free hand into his thigh to prevent himself from grabbing his keys taunting him from where he left them on the coffee table _right in front of him_ and running out the door.

“Alright,” Jongwoon surrenders, but just uttering this word gives him a massive headache. He brings his hand up to massage his temples. His leg is still shaking, still itching him to go to Ryeowook, and he knows now he’s not going to be able to sleep tonight. “But if you change your mind, just call or text me to come get you. Or ask Kyuhyun to drop you off, if that’s better for you. Okay ?”

“I will,” Ryeowook confirms a bit more cheerily than he’d been minutes before, comforted by the fact that he can always count on Jongwoon no matter what. “Please don’t worry about me, though. And I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened. It’s not your fault. What we fought over has been a long going issue between Sungmin and I,” the boy adds, as though he was able to read Jongwoon’s thoughts then, and he knew exactly what to tell him to appease him.

Jongwoon doesn’t know how Ryeowook knew, because it’s not as if he’s ever shown or told him about his sensibility to guilt-tripping and his tendency to put the blame on himself rather than on others, but he’s starting to doubt his ability to conceal his negative thoughts and feelings around the boy, now.

He doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“Can you put the phone on speaker ?” Jongwoon asks suddenly, and although Ryeowook is a bit confused, he still obeys without question.

“You’re on,” Ryeowook confirms, holding his phone up between him and Kyuhyun.

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon calls out, trying to be as assertive as possible. He wants the other boy to know he’s being serious.

“What’s up ?” Kyuhyun inquires.

“Watch over him for me, will you ?”

Although Jongwoon worded it as a question, the tone of his voice is commanding—he’s not leaving Kyuhyun a choice in the matter.

“No problem, man,” Kyuhyun agrees, chill as ever.

Jongwoon doesn’t know why he trusts Kyuhyun so easily with such a task despite barely knowing the guy at all. He knows he’s Ryeowook’s friend and therefore doesn’t have any reason to hurt him—although saying that after what happened with Sungmin no longer holds any meaning—but when it comes to entrusting the safety of the people he holds dear, he’s not the type to hand the task over to anybody.

Kyuhyun comes across as reliable for some reason, and he decides to listen to his gut telling him Ryeowook is in safe hands, even though he wishes he’d be with him instead.

“Thank you,” Jongwoon sighs, relieved, before turning his attention back to Ryeowook without bothering to ask him to put the phone off speaker first. “Remember to call if there’s anything, okay, baby ?”

Kyuhyun swiftly turns around to look at Ryeowook with wide eyes upon hearing the pet name, because his younger friend doesn’t even look like he wants to protest—in actuality, Ryeowook looks almost ecstatic, if the way he’s smiling right now is proof of anything. Kyuhyun can recall every single time his friend has tried to beat his ass for it, and there are too many to count.

“You’re gonna have to teach me how to do that,” he blurts out, to both Ryeowook’s and Jongwoon’s confusion.

“Teach you what ?” Jongwoon questions, unable to figure out what Kyuhyun is referring to.

“How to call Ryeowook ‘baby’ without getting kicked in the nuts,” Kyuhyun clarifies, and there’s a short moment of silence between the three of them before Jongwoon bursts out laughing at the other end of the line.

“I’m afraid this is information I’m willing to bring with me into the grave,” Jongwoon declares. 

“That’s so unfair,” the taller man objects.

“I’ve heard that one before,” Jongwoon chuckles, and Ryeowook knows the man is hinting at all the times _he’s_ called him that. “But I still won’t tell you. This is a little secret that’ll stay between Ryeowook and I, right, _baby_ ?”

Jongwoon makes note of emphasizing the pet name this time, and Ryeowook is so thankful it’s dark enough for Kyuhyun to miss how much he’s blushing. His body feels like it’s on fire, from embarrassment for the most part, but also because there’s something about Jongwoon teasing him like that in front of his friend that’s strangely arousing to him, and he curses the man for that.

Jongwoon’s completely fucked up his sex drive somehow, he’s sure of it.

“Goodnight, angel,” Jongwoon then wishes him, and Ryeowook realizes then that it really is getting quite late, especially given he has class early tomorrow. “Make sure you eat well and get enough rest, okay ? And Kyuhyun, try not to tease him too much. I don’t want him to call me to help bury a body.”

“I’ll try,” Kyuhyun affirms, but part of him doesn’t really mean it. He’s got too much material to work with now.

“Goodnight, Jongwoon,” Ryeowook tells him in return, wanting to end the call before Jongwoon drops more bombs on his friend, and not just because of the teasing that he knows will ensue. Having to explain the awkward boner he feels growing against his thigh really doesn’t sound like fun either. “Talk to you tomorrow ?”

“Talk to you tomorrow,” Jongwoon repeats, and he ends the call there, letting his phone drop onto the couch next to him.

He’s in the weirdest of moods at the moment, and he can’t find a way to accurately describe it. On one hand, he’s delighted to have been able to hear Ryeowook’s voice and talk to him, but on the other, he now has to deal with this heavy ball of raw emotions tearing at his insides from everything they’ve discussed; even though Ryeowook told him not to blame himself, he can’t help it, because he knows it’s his fault.

Things wouldn’t have been so tense between he and Sungmin if Jongwoon hadn’t stubbornly stuck to his normal antics and made the guy freak out about it. His three-year relationship with Hyukjae seemingly made him forget that most people could easily misinterpret his actions because of the numerous misconceptions about his lifestyle, since no one except the community itself wants to speak up about the issue and people aren’t willing to listen.

He and Hyukjae had met in a dungeon Jongwoon used to frequent to mingle and get to know like-minded people, so the guy knew what he was doing, what he was signing up for by agreeing to become _his_ submissive exclusively, and most of Hyukjae’s friends knew about the things he was doing in his free time. Which he had a lot of, given the guy didn’t have a job, unless professional sugar baby counts as one.

Jongwoon mentally slaps himself in an attempt to collect his thoughts, because he refuses to start comparing Ryeowook to his ex, but he fails miserably. As hard as he tries to push back his painful memories of his past relationship, his feelings for Ryeowook are too reminiscent of the ones he used to harbour for Hyukjae. Yet, at the same time, they feel completely different from the other, and that’s why Jongwoon is so fucking confused when it comes to Ryeowook.

Although it pains him to admit, he’s convinced that, at one point, he’d been in love with Hyukjae; he wouldn’t have forgiven him for all the shit he pulled on him if he weren’t. With Ryeowook, things feel just as intense, but they’re so unlike what they’d been with his ex that Jongwoon doesn’t even know what to call them.

If what he felt for Hyukjae was love and it was an entirely different thing with Ryeowook, _what the fuck_ did he even feel for the boy, then ?

That’s not even mentioning just how soft he’s gotten since the beginning—it’s so unlike him to be so gentle with someone, as much as he loves to take care of his partners. _Taking care of them_ usually has an entirely different meaning to him; it just translates to giving them what they want or need at any given time, and all of his past partners had had _very_ distinct needs from Ryeowook.

Jongwoon can barely recognize himself at this point, and he has still yet to decide if he wants to welcome this change or not. He knows for a fact leaving this lifestyle for something more _vanilla_ isn’t an option for him, as much as he could try to pull it off. But it had come so naturally to him to take on this _caregiver_ role with Ryeowook that he doesn’t think he’d be able to go back to the way things were before, or at least not entirely.

Ryeowook just _confuses_ him, and as long as he can’t find the answers he’s looking for, he knows these uncertainties and doubts are going to haunt him at night—but it’s not just that. Hyukjae fucked him up so horribly that all the confidence in his ability to do right by his partners had completely vanished, and he’s now stuck to live in constant fear and worry that he’ll fuck things up with Ryeowook the same way he had with his ex.

Jongwoon’s never been one to second guess himself before, but he realizes now that he’s seriously fooled himself into believing he’d be able to move on from Hyukjae as quickly as he had for all the previous relationships he’d been it, despite the fact that his most recent ex was the first one he truly fell for. He has no doubt in his mind that he’s over him as a partner, as it hadn’t taken him much time after their break up to realize just how toxic the man had been to him throughout their entire relationship, but right now, in this very moment, he can see as clear as glass just how many wounds were left behind that he’s never given himself time to heal.

It seems as though his feelings for Ryeowook had grown too quickly for him to notice up until then, but he sees it now. All those scars he’d been pretending never existed all this time are opening up all at once, and all the pain and insecurities he’d accumulated and repressed for years are coming up to the surface; it’s like the floodgates had been unsealed, and the current is much too strong for him to shut them close once more.

Jongwoon is an emotional wreck. Always has been, but it’s gotten worse as he grew older. His refusal to talk about his issues come from his own denial more than his fear to burden people with them, although the latter also plays a role in that. He so desperately wanted to believe that if he never acknowledged any of this, they would just go away on their own. He wanted to convince himself he was stupid enough to believe that.

Jongwoon only realizes just how much he’s been shaking this entire time when he tries to stand up and his legs give out under him, and he falls back onto the couch, crashing onto it with his dead weight. The air around him suddenly feels heavy and suffocating, like he’s trapped in a cage, and he stares in confusion at his hands, trembling uncontrollably in front of his eyes. His arms are numb and limp, and he slowly becomes aware of his erratic breathing—it’s so fucking _painful_ to breathe, which makes him panic even more, because for a second, he’s convinced he’s going to choke to death.

He tries to collect himself, but he’s unable to construct any sensible train of thought to rationalize what’s happening to him. He starts coughing heavily, hoping to relieve some of the pressure crushing his lungs, and he can do nothing but sit there, bent over in half on his couch, alone in this apartment that now feels too small and too big at the same time, and wait for it to pass.

But it doesn’t. Not for a long time.

He tries to focus his senses on his surroundings, but nothing around him feels familiar to him at all, despite knowing he’s at home—except now he’s starting to doubt it, because he can no longer recognize where he is. He’s lightheaded and dizzy, his vision becomes blurry, and all he can make up of anything that’s happening around him is the pain in his chest and the sound of his ragged breathing.

He’s going to be sick. He feels it coming, but he can’t pull himself to his feet to go to the bathroom or even the sink in the kitchen. Thankfully, nothing ever runs back up, but his nausea remains even as his body finally manages to pull itself together and calm down.

His mind, however, stays in this foggy and confusing space that feels anything but comforting. His hands are still trembling, although not as strongly as before—just enough for him to feel it as they fall to his sides—and his breathing is still jagged and uneven, but he’s ultimately able to straighten himself up, resting his back against the back of the couch and letting his head fall against the ledge.

He opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling, but the room is still spinning, so he has to abandon that idea almost immediately.

Everything fucking _hurts_.

It hurts so much he can barely feel it as tears start falling down across his cheeks. He has no fucking clue why he’s crying now—maybe the stress evacuating his body, maybe because of the pain he’s in, maybe because of the guilt that’s currently tearing him in half, or maybe a mix of all three, but he’s in no state of mind to be able to tell. He’s too tired to think, to move, to be aware of anything past the nausea that’s still plaguing him.

The last and only decision he’s able to make then is to pass out on the couch, because no way in hell he’s falling asleep in an empty bed tonight.

Calling Jongwoon confused when he wakes up in the morning would be a massive understatement. Disoriented would be a better term, but it’s not strong enough to describe it either. He almost considers the idea that he might have developed early onset dementia for a moment, because he’s sure as all hell that he fell asleep on his couch and _not_ on his bed, and he has absolutely no recollection of ever getting up at any moment to change his location.

The sun is shining through the open curtains of the large bedroom windows, blinding him—he’d apparently forgotten to shut them too, and now the idea that he might just be losing his mind doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

Scratching his head in utter puzzlement, Jongwoon gets up, and his first instinct dictates him to go into the living room to check if he can’t find a clue of anything, hoping it’s just a blackout from consuming copious amounts of alcohol for some reason in the middle of the night, although he thinks he should feel much sicker than he is now if that were the case.

There’s something that feels off about his place too, almost as if he’d never really been here before, despite recognizing it as his apartment; he has this uneasy gut feeling that tugs at him when he steps out of his bedroom that he can’t shake away, and it grows in intensity the closer he gets to his living room, as though he could sense his impending doom before it comes crashing down on him.

He can’t see it at first because of the half-wall separating the dining room from the living space, only noticing about halfway that there’s a head peaking out from the top, facing away from him. Jongwoon blinks, hoping to high heavens he’s just not fully woken up yet and seeing things when he recognizes the owner of that faded navy blue hair, and it’s with absolute horror that he realizes it’s _all too fucking real_ when even rubbing the sleep off of his eyes does nothing to make him disappear from view.

“What the— _Hyukjae_ ?!” Jongwoon exclaims as he walks up into the room to stand in front of the man on the other side of the coffee table. Hyukjae doesn’t reply, nor does he give him any indication that he wants to give him an explanation to justify his presence in _his_ apartment at all—he simply looks up at Jongwoon with cold, lifeless eyes, reminding the older man of those of a creepy porcelain doll featured in a horror movie. “Why the fuck are you here ? How the hell did you even get in ?”

Even the way Hyukjae moves as he gets up freaks Jongwoon out. It almost looks robotic, mechanical—maybe military-like would be more accurate given Hyukjae is human, but it changes nothing as far as results are concerned. Jongwoon can only stare in shock, anger and fear, because he can’t possibly figure out what the hell Hyukjae wants from him, why he’s there, how he managed to guess his keycode when he had it changed after they broke up, but most of all, why he chose this awful timing to come here and wreak havoc into his life when he’s already so much of a trainwreck.

“I came to take back something I left here, but it’s broken,” Hyukjae responds. He sounds a lot warmer and _alive_, marking a heavy contrast with the look in his eyes, but his words do nothing to answer any of Jongwoon’s questions. He’s made sure time and time again that he gave Hyukjae all of his stuff when he was forced to move out, not wanting to stumble upon any of it by accident after he was gone—it’s impossible that he’s still got something of his at his place.

“Don’t fucking bullshit me, Lee Hyukjae,” Jongwoon spits. “You didn’t leave anything here.”

“You’re wrong,” Hyukjae counters, almost interrupting Jongwoon before he can even finish his sentence. His voice is chilling to the bone now, accusatory and angry yet at the same volume as before, and it’s even more unsettling given the complete lack of emotion in Hyukjae’s face.

Jongwoon is so unnerved by what he’s witnessing that he can’t speak—can’t yell at Hyukjae to get the fuck out of his home and of his life for good, to leave him alone and to stop playing with his feelings because he’s already caused enough damage. He can’t do anything but watch on as the other man reaches into his pocket to pull something out, extending his hand toward Jongwoon over the coffee table to show him what he’s been talking about this entire time, and the older man thinks, for a second, that he’s going to pass out.

It’s red, _meaty_, and it’s _still fucking moving_ in Hyukjae’s hand when he opens up his palm, pulsing at a steady beat with a disgusting squelching sound that makes Jongwoon’s entire body cringe and want to throw up.

It’s a heart. It’s a fucking beating, very real human heart, and Jongwoon is petrified. He wants to scream, to run away from this _thing_ whom he knows by now can’t be Hyukjae, to kick back and fight it, but he’s frozen in place, unable to look away from the horrifying sight displayed in front of him, and he realizes then that he can’t feel his own heartbeat anymore.

“It’s broken,” the _thing_ repeats, and its voice now sounds distorted yet awfully familiar, but Jongwoon doesn’t have time—or the current ability—to try and put a face on it before _it_ does. He is forced to watch as its face contorts into inhuman shapes for a moment, before it morphs into something that’s probably more terrifying to him than anything he’s seen so far.

_Ryeowook._

Jongwoon loses his footing when he sees the boy stare at him with the same chilling, dull eyes as the Hyukjae thing had before, and he somehow manages to catch himself on the cabinet sitting under his TV before he falls to the ground. This can’t be real. This can’t fucking be real.

“You broke it because you’re broken too,” the thing says, and it sounds exactly like Ryeowook does when he’s upset—it sounds so real that despite knowing it’s not his boyfriend standing in front of him, Jongwoon only wants to reach for him and console him.

But he doesn’t, because that thing is not _his_ Ryeowook, no matter how much it looks and sounds like him.

The thing doesn’t move an inch, but the heart in its hand suddenly starts rolling from side to side, coming close to falling onto the table below. Jongwoon stops breathing when it eventually comes into a halt, sitting back perfectly still in the middle of _its_ palm, bracing himself for the worse; and whatever this worse is, he hopes it would just kill him quickly, because he can’t take this fucking nightmarish scene anymore.

There’s steam coming out of the hanging valves then, and the heart starts melting into a thick, wine red, almost black slimy liquid—it runs down onto the table from all sides, and the thing looks on with its expressionless face until there’s nothing but wet, red stains on its hand.

Then it looks back at Jongwoon, who’s back on his feet, yet still frozen in place as if his legs were encased in concrete.

“You’re going to break me too, aren’t you ?” The thing asks then, in that same innocent voice Ryeowook uses when he questions him on the terms of their relationship, adorable yet confused, but this time around, given the circumstances, Jongwoon can’t feel anything but a mix of anger and terror.

Jongwoon wants to protest, to tell whatever the fuck this thing is that it’s not true, that he doesn’t mean Ryeowook any harm, but he doesn’t have the time to collect himself before it shatters into pieces with the sound of broken glass, leaving Jongwoon completely alone, with his living room back in perfect condition, as if nothing had ever happened.

Jongwoon gasps audibly, jolting awake from his sleep, and his first reflex when he comes back to reality is to grab the back of the couch as tightly as possible to prevent himself from falling to the ground. He’s panting heavily, dazed and terrified out of his mind, and it takes him a moment to process what just happened.

A nightmare.

He’s had a horrible, horrifying nightmare, yet he’s too fucked up from it to feel any relief that none of this was real. His chest hurts and his lungs feel like they’re burning, but this time, he’s able to—although painfully so—drag himself to the bathroom so he can throw up the entirety of his dinner into the toilet bowl instead of his rug.

Jongwoon feels like he’s just hit rock bottom. He’s been miserable before, but never _this_ pathetic, and he doesn’t think he could possibly get any lower at this point. It’s been so long since he’s had a panic attack, and he’s just chained two in a matter of a few hours; everything from his job to his emotional turmoil to the horrifying dream he’s just had are just too much to handle. He’s exhausted, physically and mentally.

Jongwoon chuckles bitterly as he lets himself slide down the vanity to sit on the cold tiled floor next to the toilet bowl. What would Ryeowook think of him if he saw him like this..? What would _anyone_ think of him if they did ? Jongwoon’s reputation isn’t that of a heartless man, but most people who know him assume that he’s strong and calculated, and it’s something the man couldn’t really complain about.

It makes it harder for people to get to him, since they don’t even want to try in the first place. A defense mechanism, he guesses, although he doesn’t know for what exactly. He’s always been like this; it’s gotten worse because of Hyukjae, but it’s been there since even before the two even met, so that’s not something he can blame his ex for.

Jongwoon throws his head back against the cabinet. Why does he always have to think about him ? He’s moved on from _him_ and he’s with Ryeowook now, and the boy makes him _happy_—there’s no toxicity in their relationship as far as he’s aware, so he can’t understand why he always ends up comparing the two to each other. They’re too different. Their personality, way of thinking, interests, and even the vibe they give off are too dissimilar to even warrant a comparison in the first place. He couldn’t even count on Hyukjae to do anything for him—not that he ever asked for anything either, since Jongwoon isn’t the type to expect anything from his partners—whereas Ryeowook’s proven time and time again just how reliable and caring he is, so none of it makes any sense to him.

It seems the fact that Ryeowook is the first one to show genuine interest in him as a person and not what he can give him unsettles him. He really isn’t used to having someone look after him.

Fuck. He really needs him right now. Not to talk or to vent, but just to hold him in his arms; that’s when Jongwoon feels the safest, because all that matters to him is to know his baby is happy with him—to have the confirmation that he’s not fucking things up, that he’s able to be there for him, and that he’s not going to break him like he fears he will.

Hyukjae’s last words to him still haunt his thoughts, even now.

With a shaky hand, Jongwoon reaches into his pocket to take his phone out, only to realize he’s left it on the couch back in the living room. He then frowns, reflecting on why he even felt like using it in the first place, and there’s only one thing that comes to mind.

He wanted to call Ryeowook, just to hear his voice again, hoping to find any sort of comfort from it and without even thinking about the fact that they’re still in the middle of the night and the boy should be sleeping right now. It was an impulse he couldn’t control, and he thinks he shouldn’t beat himself so much over it, but it’s in his nature at this point.

Jongwoon’s never been one to adhere to stereotypes—in fact, he tends to run from them, as he doesn’t really like being put in a box—but given the role he wants to take on in his relationships, he thinks he should _at least_ be stronger than he is in reality. He’s supposed to provide, to be the dependable one. Not the one who relies on his partner to carry his burden.

He needs a break. From everything. His thoughts, his guilt, his job, his life. From _everyone_, including himself. He needs to shut down for a little while to try and pull himself together, because this is getting _ridiculous_.

“You’ve been staring at your phone all day,” Kyuhyun states as he catches his friend checking his notifications for the twelfth time that day. “Are you expecting something ?”

Ryeowook hums as though he didn’t properly hear what Kyuhyun’s just told him before his mind finally processes the information, bringing him back to reality. “Oh, huh, not really, I guess,” he stammers, putting his phone back into his pocket. “It’s just a bit unexpected that I haven’t heard anything from Jongwoon since yesterday.”

Jongwoon’s not the type to spam Ryeowook with texts throughout the day, but the boy’s gotten used to waking up to a sweet little message wishing him to have a nice day and a few other ones scattered around, mostly to make small talk. He’s usually pretty quick to reply to him too, but this time, it’s complete radio silence, and from the lack of reading receipts, it looks like Jongwoon hasn’t even opened his messages at all.

He doesn’t want to act like a needy boyfriend, so he fights back his urge to call him to ask what’s wrong—knowing him, Jongwoon probably has a reason behind his silence. Maybe he spent the night writing and passed out in the morning. Maybe he got busy with something. He wants to remain rational, but it’s still weird that Jongwoon hasn’t given any signs of life by now.

“Maybe he’s busy ?” Kyuhyun guesses as he shuts his locker door and throws his bag over his shoulder. “He sounded fine over the phone last night.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too,” Ryeowook acquiesces, but he doesn’t sound sure of his words. “I know he had a meeting he wasn’t looking forward to yesterday about his current book. I forgot to ask him how it went, with everything that happened… but I hope he’s okay.”

“I’m sure he is,” Kyuhyun consoles him, throwing an arm around the shorter man’s shoulders to walk them out of the building.

Ryeowook wants to believe Kyuhyun. It’s not like Jongwoon’s dead, after all.

It feels a bit weird to walk up to Kyuhyun’s car without Sungmin tagging along with them. Ryeowook really doesn’t feel like seeing him, but they still live together, and his friend doesn’t have his own car to drive himself without them. He usually relies on Kyuhyun, but he’s currently nowhere to be found.

“He must be running late or something,” Kyuhyun mumbles, thinking out loud. “I’ll text him, hold up.”

Ryeowook leans against the back passenger door on the driver’s side, and he impulsively takes his own phone out again as Kyuhyun types away on his to check if he’s received anything. He sighs when he sees that his messages still haven’t been open, and some uncomfortable feeling tugs at his chest. He doesn’t like it.

“Sungmin says he’s gonna spend a few days at Saeun’s place,” Kyuhyun reads. “I hope he comes back home with a girlfriend so he stops focusing on other people’s relationships.”

Kyuhyun means it as a joke, but there’s a tinge of annoyance hiding behind his playful tone that Ryeowook picks up on. It’s rare that Kyuhyun gets bothered by anything, but even he thinks Sungmin’s crossed the line there.

He doesn’t fully trust Jongwoon either because he doesn’t really know the guy, so he can’t say for sure, but he trusts Ryeowook and what he says about him; and as far as he’s aware, he really is just a nice guy. And as if the way Sungmin had acted about their relationship wasn’t enough, he had to throw the _daddy issues_ card at Ryeowook knowing very well it would hurt their friend, so there was no way Kyuhyun could’ve stayed completely neutral in this situation, as much as he wants to.

He’s not mad at Sungmin. Just severely disappointed.

“Fingers crossed,” Ryeowook snickers, rolling his eyes dramatically as he makes his way to the other side of the car to climb on the front passenger seat. The drive back home is mostly silent, but it’s not awkward this time around given Sungmin’s absence; it’s just that Ryeowook isn’t really in the mood to talk, too worried and unable to focus on anything but Jongwoon.

He tries to call Jongwoon before he goes to bed that night, but his call is immediately directed to his voicemail—Jongwoon’s turned his phone off, and realizing this makes for a restless night as Ryeowook just keeps getting anxious over what’s going on. He can’t think of anything that would make Jongwoon angry at him, so he’s pretty sure it’s not that. The man had sounded fine last night too, so he figures this must mean the meeting didn’t go as bad as Jongwoon expected, although he knows at the back of his mind that his boyfriend isn’t the type to talk about this sort of stuff, so there’s no true way to know.

The only other reason he can come up with is that despite assuring him it wasn’t his fault, Jongwoon still blames himself for his fight with Sungmin, and he seriously hopes that’s not the case. He doesn’t want things to get awkward between them, not over something Ryeowook also contributed to—in fact, he thinks he was into that phone call stunt more than Jongwoon was, so his boyfriend shouldn’t feel bad about it.

Ryeowook almost has to force himself asleep that night in order to fight back his impulse to text Jongwoon that he loves him so the man knows nothing between them has changed.

As it turns out, isolating himself from everything serves nothing to help Jongwoon collect his thoughts. If anything, it makes things worse, because now he has no distractions from his overworking mind, and he doesn’t have a way to shut it off. To add to the issue, he’s barely been able to sleep in the past forty-eight hours, because every time he closes his eyes, he gets that same horrifying vision of Ryeowook’s heart melting into goop in his small hand, and Jongwoon can’t handle it.

The past two days since his nightmare could easily be summarized into one word : _Hell_. He’s spent the majority of it either running around in circles in his apartment or lying on the couch to stare aimlessly at his ceiling, and if he wasn’t wasting his energy trying to put words on his feelings, he’d spend his time fighting against his guilt for ignoring Ryeowook without any justification and his urge to call him, as much as he wants to.

He’s just not all there at the moment, and he thinks talking to Ryeowook, despite giving him temporary relief, would ultimately make things worse for him.

His phone lies on the coffee table beside him, shut off, and it’s starting to taunt him, because he thinks that if he stays here one more minute dwelling on his past and feeling sorry for himself, he’s going to lose his goddamn mind. He needs to get out, to go somewhere, to do something other than act pitiful; he needs to talk to someone who won’t pry him to open up, not this time around.

Sighing in frustration, Jongwoon finally gives in and blindly reaches out for his phone to turn it on—he doesn’t bother looking at the notifications buzzing relentlessly as it tries to catch up with everything he’s missed for the past two days, knowing exactly who he wants to contact right now, and he’s so desperate to get out of here that he wastes no time pondering over whether or not he’s even busy at the moment. It’s worth a try at this point.

Fortunately for him, he picks up quickly.

“Jungsoo ?” Jongwoon calls, not bothering with pleasantries after Jungsoo’s initial greeting. “If you’re free tonight, I might wanna go for that drink.”

“Honestly,” he replies, “I’m glad you called, because I need it too.”

Jungsoo chuckles, but he sounds just as tired as Jongwoon is—Sooman is probably beating him more than ever, now that the old man doesn’t have his cash cow to rely on for a few more months, so he can get the other writers to spew out more stuff to satisfy the asshole’s lust for money.

Two days.

It’s been two days without a word from Jongwoon, and Ryeowook is starting to become agitated.

He hasn’t texted the man all day, figuring it wouldn’t do anything at this point besides making him look clingy and not in a good way, but this isn’t _normal_. Not for Jongwoon, who’s always so eager to call him in the evening to wish him good night when they’re apart.

Now that he’s home and getting ready for bed, he thinks it might be worth a shot to try and call him again, even if he doesn’t expect Jongwoon to pick up at this point. He can always leave him a message and hope he can properly convey his worries without sounding too overbearing.

Expecting to be redirected to his voicemail again, Ryeowook’s heart drops in his chest when he actually hears the phone ring; part of him is excited because maybe this means Jongwoon will answer this time, but another is upset because if the man turned his phone on again, why hasn’t he contacted him yet ?

Ryeowook shakes his head, wanting to recollect himself just in case Jongwoon replies, but he doesn’t, and now Ryeowook truly starts to freak out a bit. There’s definitely something going on right now and nothing feels right. He has this gut feeling at the pit of his stomach that tells him he should check up on Jongwoon, but he doesn’t know how, given he’s unable to reach him, and he spends a good moment sitting on his bed pondering over what to do.

The only solution he can come up with, in the end, is to go to Jongwoon’s place to talk to him in person. He tries to convince himself that maybe this is a bit too much, but he’s desperate enough at this point to go through with the idea. He just needs to make sure Jongwoon is okay, or he can say hello to yet another sleepless night, and he decides that the possible embarrassment he might face when he gets there and realizes that he’s been worrying over nothing sounds like a better scenario than spending the night thinking of every possible scenario and coming to the conclusion that Jongwoon wants to break up with him and just doesn’t know how to tell him.

Psyching himself up, Ryeowook jumps off of his bed to change back into his day clothes, not really bothering to check what he’s picking out of his closet, and joins Kyuhyun in the living room, who’s busy playing some sort of first shooter game Ryeowook doesn’t recognize—he’s never been much of a gamer—and getting angry for getting killed over and over again.

Ryeowook figures he’s not going to be interrupting much.

“Hey, Kyuhyun,” the boy calls out a bit hesitantly.

“Sup ?” his friend interjects, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Can I ask you a favour ?”

“Sure,” Kyuhyun shrugs.

“Can you drop me off at Jongwoon’s place ?” Ryeowook asks, feeling a bit ridiculous about his request.

“Right now ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms. “I’m worried about him. I just want to check if everything’s okay. It’s starting to drive me nuts.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t reply, but Ryeowook can see that he’s leaving his game and turning his console off, so he takes it as a positive answer on his friend’s part.

Kyuhyun lets out a grunt as he gets up, a bit stiff from sitting on his ass for so long, and reaches out to ruffle Ryewoook’s hair teasingly.

“Of course, _baby_,” Kyuhyun pesters him, and if it weren’t for the fact that Ryeowook needs his help right now, it would’ve earned him more than just a death glare.

Kyuhyun considers this a win, for now.

Ryeowook has to give Kyuhyun directions the entire time, which proves to be a more difficult task than it sounds because Kyuhyun keeps insisting he knows a shortcut to wherever Ryeowook tells him to go—they end up having to rely on Google Maps when they get lost at one point, and Ryeowook spends the remainder of the ride scolding Kyuhyun for being so stubbornly stupid.

They eventually make their way there, although it took probably twice as long as if Kyuhyun had decided to listen to Ryeowook. The boy looks up at the building, hoping to see if some of the lights in Jongwoon’s apartment are still on, but there’s nothing he can spot from where he is down below. He figures Jongwoon is either already asleep or locked up in his office with the blinds shut, and he starts second guessing his decision to come as Kyuhyun parks his car on the side of the street.

“Do you want me to wait for you here ?” Kyuhyun questions, noticing the way Ryeowook grabs at his seatbelt when he should be unfastening it.

“No, it’s fine,” Ryeowook assures him, but he doesn’t seem to be very convinced of his own answer. “It’s late, so it’s likely that Jongwoon’s gonna ask for me to stay the night.” _Unless he breaks up with him_, but Ryeowook doesn’t want to say that out loud. “I’ll call you if I need you to pick me up.”

“Alright,” Kyuhyun agrees, and he looks on as his friend finally decides to get out of the car and go. “Oh, before you go,” he halts him right as Ryeowook is shutting the door. “If you need me to break his kneecaps, tell me so I can come prepared.”

Ryeowook chuckles at the thought of Kyuhyun barging into Jongwoon’s apartment armed with a baseball bat, which he honestly hopes he never gets to see in real life.

“I don’t think you’ll need to,” Ryeowook replies, “but I’ll keep it in mind.”

Kyuhyun smiles at him as the boy finally shuts the door, and the older boy waits for Ryeowook to walk into the building before he leaves too—it’s dark out, given it’s almost eleven at night, so he wanted to make sure his friend didn’t get jumped in the parking lot.

Ryeowook is about halfway up the stairs when the knot in his stomach worsens significantly. He has a really bad feeling about all of this, and he ends up making the rest of the way up to Jongwoon’s floor by sprinting, not caring about the noise he’s causing even a tiny bit.

He doesn’t rush down the hallway, though, because that would probably be a bit too much, even as concerned as he is.

His hand is shaking as he carefully inputs the code to Jongwoon’s door on the handle, and he takes a deep breath before he opens it, not knowing what to expect once he’d be on the other side.

He stays surprised for a moment when he sees that the apartment is pitch black, with no signs of Jongwoon being anywhere—he can’t hear any audible sound that would indicate his presence, so Ryeowook thinks he might be sleeping already.

With that in mind, he’s careful not to make any noise as he beelines for the bedroom; it’s dark inside, but there’s enough light coming from the street through the giant windows in the living room to see where he’s going, so he’s able to make his way inside without any incidents.

Jongwoon’s bed is unmade but empty when he opens the door, and for a second Ryeowook is more confused than worried when he tries to figure out where the hell Jongwoon could even be on a Wednesday night. His first reflex is to walk up to the window at the other end of the room to check into the parking lot, but it does nothing besides add even more questions when he can clearly spot Jongwoon’s car parked in its usual spot.

Did he go out for a walk ? At this hour ?

Puzzled, Ryeowook decides his best course of action would probably be to go back to the living room and wait for Jongwoon to come back, since he’s bound to at some point. He’s surprised that being alone in his boyfriend’s apartment without him knowing doesn’t make him feel uncomfortable at all, even if he thinks he should be. Jongwoon’s given him permission to come whenever he wants, after all, and this place has started to feel more like home to him than his own.

Ryeowook lies down on the couch, feet facing the door so he can see Jongwoon when he walks in, and curls up into a ball to rest a bit—he’s more exhausted than he’d previously been aware of, but as he takes a deep breath in and catches a whiff of Jongwoon’s smell lingering in the air, he immediately starts to relax and doze off. It’s like the past two days he’s spent questioning everything and worrying over his boyfriend had never been a thing.

He isn’t aware of when he fell asleep or how long he’s been sleeping for when the light coming from the hallway shines right into his eyes and stirs him out of his slumber a bit harshly. Ryeowook groans sleepily, rubbing his sensitive eyes as he stares right at the door and catches a glimpse of Jongwoon’s silhouette before he shuts the door again, plunging the apartment back into darkness momentarily.

“Jongwoon..?” Ryeowook mumbles, still a bit dazed from waking up so suddenly, but he gets no answer. Weird.

He hears what he thinks is Jongwoon fumbling around the wall, probably looking for the switch to turn the lamp from the entranceway on, and he seems to be heavily struggling with it. Curious and a bit nervous, Ryeowook pulls himself to his feet, and he’s just made it past the couch when Jongwoon finally manages to turn the light on.

It takes Ryeowook a moment to realize that Jongwoon is wobbling, barely able to stand on his feet and keeping his balance as he takes his shoes off—he’s _drunk_, and not just a little bit.

“Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook calls out again.

It seems Jongwoon has heard him this time around, but his reaction is unexpected; the minute the man’s eyes land on him, Jongwoon almost looks scared—not startled, _scared_—of him, and he nearly trips on his feet, only managing to catch himself on the wall behind him at the last second. Instinctually, Ryeowook walks up to him to try and help him back up, but when he tries to reach out for him, Jongwoon flinches, and Ryeowook doesn’t know if he should feel hurt or confused by that.

“Stop playing tricks on me,” Jongwoon slurs as he pulls himself back up clumsily. “I know you’re not Ryeowook.”

“What ?” Ryeowook exclaims in surprise, but he tries to keep his tone soft and on the lower side to avoid startling the man even more. “What are you talking about ?”

“You’re all in my head, I know it.”

_Oh_. Ryeowook gets it now. Jongwoon is probably too drunk to even recognize him at this point, and although he still has a thousand questions floating around in his head, Ryeowook can’t stop thinking that the situation is kind of funny. He would’ve never imagined Jongwoon to be the adorably confused type of drunk.

Chuckling to himself, Ryeowook reaches out for Jongwoon again and takes his head in his hands, forcing the man to really take a closer look at him. He sees something flash in the man’s eyes for a split second—he’s hopeful that he’ll finally realize that he’s the real Ryeowook standing in front of him for a moment, but he’s back to confusion when Jongwoon starts patting him down, as if he were looking for something he hid inside his pockets that could potentially hurt him.

“You don’t have a heart in those, do you ?”

“A what ?” Ryeowook laughs. This is probably the most random and ridiculous question he could’ve heard in his life. “Why would I carry a _heart_ in my pockets ?”

Jongwoon doesn’t give him an answer. He’s not in any state to form any sensible thought, which is why Ryeowook gave up on questioning him about his weird behaviour and why he’s coming home drunk in the middle of the night on a Wednesday—well, Thursday now, but it’s a technicality at this point—at least until tomorrow.

“It really is you…” Jongwoon sighs in relief. “God, it’s you…”

Ryeowook doesn’t have time to confirm Jongwoon’s statement before the man clings to him and squeezes him into his arms. He lets his entire weight fall on him, forcing the boy to try and pull him up so neither of them crashes down on the floor, but Jongwoon is much heavier than he looks—and much stronger, too, because there’s absolutely no way Ryeowook can free himself from his vice grip—and his arms quickly start to hurt.

“I missed you so much, baby, you have no idea,” Jongwoon whispers into his neck as he stands back up fully, but he doesn’t let go of the boy.

Ryeowook doesn’t know _how_ Jongwoon’s arms feel so comforting, even when he’s completely drunk and about to crush him in his hold, and he can’t find it in him to complain and ask Jongwoon to loosen up a bit—this feels right to him, as weird as it sounds.

“I’m so sorry,” Jongwoon then adds with a small quiver in his voice. “I’m so, so, so sorry, baby.”

Ryeowook can feel something wet tickle his skin where Jongwoon’s face is buried, and his heart drops when he realizes that Jongwoon is crying—not audibly, and there’s no sniffling or sobs, but he’s definitely tearing up, and it’s enough for the boy to feel bad for him.

No matter the reason that forced Jongwoon to ghost him for two days, he certainly feels terrible for it, and Ryeowook is willing to forgive him right away. Not that he thinks he was ever mad at him in the first place. He was too busy worrying to feel any sort of anger toward the man.

Jongwoon doesn’t move, but his grip loosens after a couple minutes of standing there in silence, and his body grows heavier in Ryeowook’s arms—he’s probably tired and about to pass out, Ryeowook presumes.

“Should we go to bed ?” Ryeowook suggests softly, voice barely above a whisper.

Jongwoon doesn’t say anything, only taking a deep breath as he gathers the last bit of strength he’s got left to pry himself off of Ryeowook and onto his feet. He’s stopped crying now, but his eyes are still a bit puffy and red, and it breaks the young man’s heart to see him like this.

This is the first and only time he’s ever seen Jongwoon get emotional since they met, but he’s not as shocked by it as he thinks he should be. Ryeowook figured out some time ago that as strong and collected the man appears on the outside, Jongwoon is a sensitive man at heart. He wouldn’t be so caring and affectionate with him if it weren’t the case, and it contrasts with the initial misconceptions he’s had of dominants before; he’s always thought they were the type to be cold, a bit selfish and emotionally detached, but he sees now how this stereotype doesn’t make sense. Their role, at the end of the day, is to give—they wouldn’t be doing it if they didn’t care.

This time, however, Ryeowook thinks it’s _his_ time to give, because Jongwoon is too inebriated to take care of himself at the moment.

Ryeowook takes Jongwoon’s hand in his, and he carefully leads him to the bedroom, making sure the man doesn’t trip on his own feet on their way there, although he seems to have sobered up a bit, as he’s able to walk in a straight line now.

Jongwoon lets himself fall flat on his front on his bed as soon as they reach it, grunting as he hits the mattress a bit too hard. Ryeowook can tell he’s going to get one hell of a hangover when he wakes up, so he takes advantage of Jongwoon’s lack of attention to make a quick trip to the bathroom to retrieve the plastic bucket he keeps on one of the shelves above the washing machine, just in case the man ever needs to throw up and doesn’t have the time to get up and run.

Jongwoon is already falling asleep when he comes back. Ryeowook quietly places the bucket on the floor next to him before gently nudging him awake, making the man groan in protest.

“You can’t sleep in your clothes,” Ryeowook explains, and Jongwoon lets out a sigh in resolve before propping himself up on heavy and shaky arms.

The task proves to be too difficult for him, though, so the man has to settle for rolling around onto his back, and he sits back up to throw his legs to the side over the edge of the bed. He’s too lazy by now to stand, and Ryeowook watches him as he throws his jacket somewhere onto the floor, missing the dresser he was aiming for by a long shot.

He doesn’t give a shit, though, and quickly moves on to his shirt to do the same thing with it, this time missing the hamper in the corner of the room near his closet. Ryeowook giggles to himself, amused by how pissed off Jongwoon looks right now having to undress, which is a change from all the other times he’s seen the man take his clothes off.

Drunk as he is, Jongwoon lacks the dexterity to undo his belt buckle, and he gives up after half a minute of fumbling around and making no progress, groaning in frustration as he lets himself fall onto his back on the bed once again.

Ryeowook can’t suppress his smile as he rolls his eyes dramatically, and he walks up to the man to kneel between his legs, intent on giving him a hand with his last task.

“You really are just a big baby, deep down,” Ryeowook jokes as he starts undoing his belt for him.

Jongwoon chuckles, lifting his head to stare at the boy. “Usually when you’re taking my clothes off, you call me daddy.”

The belt almost slips from Ryeowook’s hand at Jongwoon’s words, and even in the dark, the man can tell he’s blushing. Satisfied of himself, he lays his head back down on the mattress, leaving Ryeowook to resume his task with trembling hands.

Ryeowook’s daddy kink is definitely more intense than Jongwoon’s, that’s for sure, because even with his boyfriend’s current state and that he knows sex right now is out of question, just the mention of the name gets him worked up enough to get flustered. He can’t even come with a clever comeback to that, as much as he tries to find one.

As soon as his pants are off, Jongwoon rolls back to his front and turns his head in Ryeowook’s direction. He stares at him as though he still couldn’t believe the boy truly is there, and he’s scared he’s going to wake up the next day and realize it’s all just been an illusion.

Ryeowook stands back up on his feet so he can get undressed in his turn and join Jongwoon in bed, but given the man doesn’t know about his intentions, he wastes no time in grabbing the boy’s wrist to prevent him from walking away.

“You’re gonna stay with me tonight, aren’t you ?” Jongwoon mumbles sleepily, and he sounds almost pleading.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods, and Jongwoon lets go of his hand then. “I don’t want to leave you alone like this.”

Jongwoon smiles and allows himself to close his eyes, listening as Ryeowook takes his own clothes off to neatly fold them and place them on the dresser, as he always does when they’re not in a hurry to move on to _other things_. He picks up Jongwoon’s jacket in passing to do the same before he finally climbs into bed next to him.

Jongwoon rolls over to face the boy, and he cuddles up to him, sliding his leg between the other’s to prevent him from going away, even if Ryeowook has no intention to do so. The way Jongwoon’s acting right now almost reminds Ryeowook of an overly affectionate child, and he thinks to himself that, when circumstances are better, he _definitely_ needs to get drunk with his boyfriend just to see the full picture of it.

Jongwoon regrets everything when he wakes up the next day with a severe headache, an uncomfortably dry mouth, and, for the second day in a row, the unstoppable urge to puke. His entire body is aching as he tries to get out of bed to run to the bathroom, and god is he relieved when he spots the bucket sitting on the floor in front of him as half of his upper body tangles from the bed, or else he would’ve had a huge mess to clean up.

He’s surprised he apparently thought of bringing it when he came back, although he doesn’t remember ever doing it.

Not that he remembers much of last night in the first place anyway, besides the blurry memories of bonding with Jungsoo over their mutual hatred of Sooman and common interest in old silent films.

Jongwoon groans in pain as he topples onto his back, and curses at himself for forgetting he’s no longer a college boy and that hangovers truly start fucking you up at his age. It’s in moments like these when he feels old, despite still being in his twenties—although it’s basically a stretch to say that at this point, given he’s three months away from turning thirty, but Jongwoon wants to make the most of the time he has left before his imminent midlife crisis hits him.

Okay, maybe he’s being a bit dramatic, but he thinks he’s allowed to be right now when he feels like he’s dying.

Reflexively and without being conscious of it initially, Jongwoon reaches over to the empty side of his bed, and he starts freaking out when he realizes that it’s still warm when there shouldn’t be a reason for it to be. He immediately starts thinking of the worst, that he’s gotten so fucking drunk he brought someone back home even though he doubts Jungsoo would’ve let him, and that he’s going to have to break Ryeowook’s heart when he admits to cheating on him.

Oh, fuck, _Ryeowook_.

Even in his current state of mind, hovering between painful consciousness and haziness from his hangover, he remembers that he’s been ghosting the boy for well over forty-eight hours by now. But as he tries to reach for his phone on his bedside table where he usually leaves it, another wave of nausea hits him, and he’s forced to abandon his idea momentarily in order to throw up his guts once again.

The alcohol running back up his esophagus is making his throat burn, and Jongwoon just wishes he could go back in time to stop himself from being a fucking dumbass and thinking he’d be fine the next day.

“Rough start for today ?” he hears a voice coming from the doorway—one he immediately identifies as Ryeowook’s, and his mind is suddenly spinning in all directions in a mix of emotions and questions he can’t find answers for.

Jongwoon turns back painfully to look at his boyfriend, who’s walking up to him with a glass of water and a bottle of what he thinks to be either painkillers or antiemetic caplets. He can’t read the inscription on the sticker with how blurry his vision is, but he could honestly settle for either of them at this point.

“Why are you here..?” Jongwoon croaks. Fuck, it hurts to speak.

“I came to check on you because your silence worried me,” Ryeowook confesses as he sits next to Jongwoon and hands him over the glass of water and the bottle—painkillers.

Jongwoon takes them eagerly, downing the entire glass to swallow the pills and quench his parched throat before he speaks.

“I’m so sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes.

“I know,” Ryeowook assures him. “You’ve told me yesterday. I’m… just wondering if it’s because of something I did, or—”

“No,” Jongwoon interjects. “No, baby, you’ve done nothing wrong. I was just… having a bad time.”

Ryeowook looks down at him with worry, and Jongwoon is forced to lie back down onto his back because the pain is getting too much.

“You could’ve told me,” Ryeowook tells him, and he feels bad for Jongwoon.

“You had your own problems to deal with,” Jongwoon reminds him as he tries to rub his headache away. “I didn’t want to bother you with mine.”

“Don’t say that,” Ryeowook pleads. “You’re always there for me. It’s only normal that I’m there for you too.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Jongwoon repeats dejectedly. It seems his life currently revolves around making amends to the people he’s wronged, including himself. “I shouldn’t have ghosted you like that. It’s okay if you’re mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Ryeowook assures him. “I wouldn’t be here to take care of you if I were.”

Something ticks in Jongwoon’s mind then, and he looks over at his clock next to him. It’s two in the afternoon.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in school right now ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook shrugs. “But I couldn’t leave you alone like that. It’s fine, though. I’m not missing anything important.”

Ryeowook’s attention momentarily shifts to the bucket next to him. It’s half full at this point, and the fact that it’s been lying there all along really bugs him.

“Do you think you can hold on while I clean this up ?”

Jongwoon stares at the mess Ryeowook is pointing to—normally, the sight would gross him out, but after his nightmare from the other day, he doesn’t think anything can truly scare him anymore—and grimaces, not liking the idea of having Ryeowook clean up after him. Not when it’s his own vomit, at the very least.

“No, it’s fine,” Jongwoon contests as he pulls himself up on sore arms to sit up. “I can do it myself.”

“Jongwoon—”

“I need to wash up anyway,” Jongwoon justifies. “I feel gross. And the aftertaste really isn’t pleasant.”

Ryeowook pouts. Jongwoon’s making a good argument there, but he still thinks he should be resting more. The man is stubborn, though, and Ryeowook knows he won’t be able to change his mind there.

“The painkillers are starting to kick in,” Jongwoon continues. “I should be fine, so stop pouting.” The man reaches over to teasingly pinch his cute little cheek. “Makes me wanna kiss you so badly, and I really don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

Jongwoon smiles at him as he gently pats his head, and he grunts as he stands on his feet—god, he’s feeling dizzy, but a bath is exactly what he needs right now. The bucket feels heavier in his hands than it should, too, and he thinks for a second that he should’ve let Ryeowook handle it instead and stayed in bed for longer.

He swears to himself not to drink like this again, although he knows it’s just an empty promise.

Getting to the bathroom, however, was the easy part, despite his struggle. He ends up throwing up into the toilet bowl just as he’s done emptying the bucket inside, and he has to hold himself up on the seat so he doesn’t end up sprawled out on the floor the next second. Hearing the noise, Ryeowook appears in the doorway to check up on him, with a tiny little smirk of _I told you so_ tugging at the corner of his lips.

“You okay in there ?” he teases, leaning against the door frame.

Jongwoon rolls to the side to rest against the cabinet, sitting down on the floor, and he chuckles almost bitterly.

“Don’t make fun of my misery,” Jongwoon playfully scolds him.

“I’m not,” Ryeowook defends. “I’m making fun of how stubborn you are.”

The younger man walks up to him to pick up the bucket and wash it despite Jongwoon’s weak protests—standing back up and physically stopping the boy from doing it isn’t an option for him, so he’s forced to accept it.

Ryeowook then hands him a bottle of mouthwash out of the blue, and Jongwoon just stares at it as though his brain were unable to process the situation.

“Should help with the taste,” Ryeowook giggles.

Jongwoon takes it and takes a sip straight from the bottle before giving it back to him, and he spits it back into the toilet, thankful that it’s one less thing he needs to worry about now.

To Jongwoon’s pleasant surprise, Ryeowook then sits on the floor next to him, resting his head on the man’s shoulder.

“Why did you drink so much ?” Ryeowook questions out of sheer curiosity rather than reprimand. “On a Wednesday night at that ?”

“_Ugh_,” Jongwoon grunts. “Lee Sooman ?”

“I’m guessing the meeting didn’t go well,” Ryeowook figures, feeling sorry for Jongwoon.

“About as well as it could’ve gone,” Jongwoon groans bitterly. “I’m pretty sure I got a friend out of it, though. He’s driving Jungsoo as crazy as he does me. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, isn’t it ?”

Ryeowook chuckles along with him, and Jongwoon tilts his head to the side to rest his cheek on the top of the boy’s head as a comfortable silence settles between them. Jongwoon’s nausea slowly starts to subside, leaving only the stiffness of his muscles to worry about.

“Thank you for coming to check up on me,” Jongwoon breathes out after a moment. “I hope I didn’t embarrass myself when I came home. I don’t remember anything at all.”

Ryeowook laughs. “You didn’t. You’re surprisingly adorable when you’re drunk, even if sometimes you make no sense at all.”

Jongwoon frowns. “What do you mean ?”

“You asked me if I carried a heart in my pocket,” Ryeowook recalls. “I still have no idea where that even came from.”

“Trust me,” Jongwoon speaks, a lump forming at the bottom of his throat at the memory. “It’s best if you don’t know. Let’s say I just… have a very vivid imagination sometimes.”

A warm bath truly was the magic remedy he needed in the end, even if it took him ages to muster the strength to drag himself to the tub. It worked wonders at soothing his sore muscles, and as a bonus, Ryeowook had joined him in, which just made it twelve thousand times better.

He hadn’t been able to stomach anything for dinner, so they’d skipped that step entirely, but Jongwoon feels a lot better now, and he likes to think it’s all thanks to Ryeowook’s presence and care.

They’ve been lying in bed since they’d gotten out; half of Ryeowook’s body is resting on top of the man’s, his arms hooked around his neck, and Jongwoon is absentmindedly tracing abstract patterns on his bare back. They hadn’t bothered putting any clothes on after drying up, wanting to enjoy the comfort of skin-to-skin contact and bask in each other’s warmth to relax.

Jongwoon can tell Ryeowook is letting himself slip into subspace when he hears the boy sigh in content into the crook of his neck and feels him grow completely limp on top of him, and he smiles to himself. His baby is feeling safe, and so he does too.

Ryeowook truly is something else entirely, Jongwoon thinks, and he gets an answer to one of the questions that had plagued his mind for the past two days then. He’s okay with the way Ryeowook’s changing him. It’s a bit scary because he’s really not used to it, but this softer, caregiver side of him that keeps coming out whenever he’s around has never felt more right than it does now.

Ryeowook keeps doing right by him, so Jongwoon wants to do the same in return.

Jongwoon flattens his palm, switching his drawing of patterns with the tip of his fingers for rubbing at the boy’s back, taking his time to map out every single inch of his skin under his touch as though he was exploring it for the first time, and Ryeowook shudders when he brushes over a very sensitive spot right in the middle of his spine.

Ryeowook leans into Jongwoon’s body even more, and a soft moan that Jongwoon would’ve missed if the boy’s lips weren’t so close to his ear escapes him. The man hadn’t meant to work him up like that, but he guesses he shouldn’t be surprised by that reaction—Ryeowook’s always been so responsive to his touch, after all.

Still, Jongwoon can’t bring himself to caress him, as if he were stuck in a trance he couldn’t snap out of. After his nightmare from the other day, he needs reassurance that this is reality and not just an awfully realistic dream more than ever.

His hand slides all the way up to Ryeowook’s nape, and he starts massaging it gently, careful not to apply too much pressure. The boy shifts in place again as chills run down his spine and scatter throughout his entire body, earning yet another quiet moan from him, followed with a tiny groan of frustration.

Jongwoon betrays himself by chuckling—although he really didn’t plan on riling him up, Ryeowook’s reactions just encourage him to tease him more for some reason, and that despite the fact that he’s convinced he doesn’t have the energy or strength to let things escalate too far this time around. It might just be an ego trip, too, because witnessing just how easily he can get Ryeowook to become so needy for him just fills him with pride.

As Jongwoon continues his little game, he can feel Ryeowook’s skin grow hotter by the minute, and the boy starts squirming around on his side. Jongwoon then trails his hand down his spine again until he reaches his lower back, which makes Ryeowook thrust his hips into the side of his thigh reflexively.

Jongwoon can feel his tiny cock growing harder by the minute, and he smirks to himself. Satisfied with his work, he goes to run his hand back up, but Ryeowook stops him by bringing one of his hands down to grab Jongwoon’s wrist—even though he knows full well that this might warrant him punishment for attempting to take control of the situation—and slowly guides it back down to his ass to push the man’s hand into the flesh.

“Oh,” Jongwoon feigns surprise. “You want me to touch you there, baby ?”

He gives Ryeowook’s ass a light squeeze as the boy hooks his arm back around his neck and nods against him. “Please,” he pleads quietly.

“Since you’re so polite and you’ve been so good to me today,” Jongwoon praises as he pries Ryeowook off of him so he can get the boy to fully straddle his lap and forces him to keep his hands crossed behind his back, “I guess I can give you what you’re asking for.”

Jongwoon brings his other hand down to take a handful of both ass cheeks, gently kneading the flesh and pushing Ryeowook’s hips onto his. He’s getting hard too, and his boyfriend’s soft pants and moans just ebbs him even further to continue what he’s doing despite his tiredness.

Ryeowook knows Jongwoon’s just toying with him. He knows the man well enough by now to have guessed that he has no intention of fucking him, and just acknowledging that is driving him insane, as he keeps getting worked up the more Jongwoon touches him.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook whines as Jongwoon makes his hips roll against his own. “I need more. _Please_.”

Jongwoon arches an eyebrow at Ryeowook’s demand. “You’re getting greedy, baby boy,” the man hums—his smirk can almost be heard in his voice. “You asked me to touch you like this. If you’re getting too horny from it, this is all on you, sweetheart.”

Ryeowook wants to protest, but Jongwoon’s right; his caresses had been entirely innocent until Ryeowook decided to turn them into something more, so he only has himself to blame for the current situation. Still, it’s getting hard for him not to act up on his neediness, especially when he can also feel how hard Jongwoon is as his own cock brushes against it—he just wants it inside of him, _where it belongs_.

“I know you’re needy, but daddy’s too tired to fuck his little boy senseless like he wants to tonight,” Jongwoon continues. The tone of his voice comes off as slightly belittling, and Ryeowook thinks he’s too into it for it to be normal. “So if you want to cum, you’re gonna have to do it yourself. Daddy can help you, but you’ll have to do most of the work, okay ?”

Ryeowook nods—no way he’s going to refuse anything if it means having Jongwoon’s cock stretching him open and making him see stars.

“Sit up,” Jongwoon commands. Ryeowook obeys immediately, although he struggles a bit to straighten up with his hands still crossed against his lower back, while the man reaches for the bottle of lube he keeps in the top drawer of his bedside table and hands it to Ryeowook, who hesitantly brings his hands back to his front to take it. “Stretch yourself open for me.”

Ryeowook blinks and stares at him for a moment, almost as if he didn’t have a single clue how he was supposed to do that.

“Have you ever touched yourself like this before, baby ?”

“No,” the boy confesses, shaking his head from side to side.

Jongwoon stays surprised for a minute. He would’ve expected him to have done it at least once before, but there’s something about the fact that it’s going to be Ryeowook’s first time that excites him.

“I’ll guide you through it, then,” Jongwoon tells him, sliding his upper body up the headboard so he’s in a half sitting, half lying position. “Pour some lube onto your fingers. Be careful though, it’s a little cold, so you might want to warm it up before you push them in.”

Jongwoon can tell Ryeowook’s never even used lube by himself before, and he can’t help but gush over how cute he thinks it is. He knows Ryeowook was no stranger to sex when they met, given how fucking amazing he is at sucking cock, but it seems he’s a lot more inexperienced than he initially thought.

“Spread your ass with your clean hand and use your middle finger first.” Jongwoon bites down on his lower lip as he watches Ryeowook do exactly as he’s told. _He’s so fucking hot, god_. “How does it feel, baby ? Good ?” Ryeowook nods rapidly, but he already feels like sliding in another—he’s so fucking impatient.

Jongwoon keeps giving him instructions of when and what he should do next, throwing in praises of how good he’s doing in between commands, until Ryeowook starts whining more than he’s moaning because he needs more than his small little fingers up his ass that was _made_ to take cock.

Jongwoon decides to jump into the action just a tiny bit by coating his own cock with lube, and he holds it in his hand to keep it up straight as he motions Ryeowook to lower himself down on it—the rim is spasming when the tip of Jongwoon’s cock starts pushing against it, ready to swallow him whole, and the man’s fingers dig into Ryeowook’s hips as he guides him all the way down into his lap.

It’s only been four days since he’s last been inside of him, but fuck, he’s missed it. Ryeowook just feels so fucking perfect around him, and he keeps finding himself in awe at this fact even after all this time.

“Put your hands back behind you,” Jongwoon demands, and it takes Ryeowook only a fraction of a second to do as he’s told. “You’re such a good boy.”

The man reaches up to gently stroke Ryeowook’s cheek in praise, and the boy takes him by surprise when he wraps his lips around his thumb just as it brushed past his mouth.

“My baby loves having his mouth full too, doesn’t he ?”

Ryeowook nods, happily sucking on the digit to prove his point.

His oral fixation is truly fascinating. Jongwoon’s definitely going to have to use that to its fullest potential at some point. But not now.

“Come on, now. Fuck yourself on my cock and show me how much your tight little ass loves it.”

Ryeowook figures out soon enough that rolling his hips against Jongwoon’s is the better way to go at it, as bouncing up and down without being able to support himself onto anything proved too much of a challenge. Jongwoon doesn’t complain; on the contrary, he loves it better this way, because the rotation allows him to hit every sensitive nerve inside the boy, and it riles him up faster too.

Ryeowook’s little cock is spreading precum on his lower stomach, beads leaking out every time the boy manages to get Jongwoon’s cock to hit him in just the right place, and Jongwoon reaches down to take it in his hand and tease the head with his thumb.

Ryeowook moans loudly as he topples forward and falls on top of Jongwoon, and the man pushes himself up again so he’s sitting straight, resting against the headboard so his baby doesn’t have to try and move at this awkward angle. He knows he’s close; his little cock is twitching hard in his hand, but he waits just a little more to give him permission to cum, just so he can hear those intoxicating desperate moans Ryeowook is making a bit longer.

“You can cum now, baby,” Jongwoon whispers as he gives him a kiss on the top of his ear, and he cups the head of his cock to collect as much of his cum as possible as Ryeowook’s orgasm hits him. “Good boy.”

Ryeowook doesn’t stop moving his hips, though, wanting to make Jongwoon cum too even if he’s getting sensitive from his climax; the man wraps an arm around his back to support him and control the speed of his moves, still using the other to catch every drop of Ryeowook’s seed until there’s nothing spilling out anymore.

Jongwoon is getting close, and he lets go of Ryeowook so he can push him off of him, straightening him back up to make eye contact; Ryeowook looks a bit dazed, but mostly happy, and Jongwoon’s heart warms up at the sight. _He’s so pretty_.

“Open up,” Jongwoon asks—Ryeowook knows exactly what’s coming, and he eagerly obliges, watching intently as Jongwoon brings his cum-covered hand up to his open mouth. “Lick them clean,” he orders then. “But don’t swallow.”

Ryeowook doesn’t know where Jongwoon wants to go with this exactly, but he does what he’s told anyway, because that’s his job; obeying Jongwoon’s commands is what he’s supposed to do, so he tries his best to keep himself from accidentally swallowing everything as he savours the taste of his own cum under Jongwoon’s watchful eye.

Jongwoon smiles at him once more and he licks off the last bit off his palm, and he opens his mouth again to show the man that he managed to keep everything inside, feeling proud of himself.

“Perfect,” Jongwoon breathes, and he crashes his lips against Ryeowook’s, pulling him into a heated kiss wet with saliva and Ryeowook’s cum, and the boy clenches down on Jongwoon’s cock at that because _holy shit_, this is so hot he can barely process it.

Jongwoon keeps kissing him as he starts rolling Ryeowook’s hips once again, seeking his own release, and he grunts lowly against the boy’s mouth when it hits him. His arms wrap themselves tightly around Ryeowook’s waist seemingly on their own to keep him there, close and connected to him, just the way it should always be.

The thought of ending every day just like this, with Ryeowook safe in his arms, crosses Jongwoon’s mind as he sucks on the boy’s lower lip, unable to break away from the kiss, and he finds that he’s very fond of that idea.

And he’s okay with that.


	11. Loose Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello, it's me again, back with another chapter 10 days later while I'm supposed to be on break because who needs a healthy sleeping schedule when COVID made you jobless until September ? Not me !
> 
> So, this chapter. There's like, blood mentioned twice, so if that triggers you, be careful when you proceed. Oh, and I also hate it, lol. It's supposed to act as a transition chapter to set up the first climax of the story (FINALLY) in the next chapter, so it's kinda boring and repetitive. If it were for me only, I'd delete it entirely and write it from scratch, but [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) convinced me to post it as it is now, so if it sucks and you're disappointed, blame her lmao
> 
> I have more notes I kept at the end to avoid spoilers for this chapter. You might wanna read those if you're interested in the fics I've got planned after this story is done

“Bottoms up !” Youngwoon cheers, lifting his shot glass into the air. He doesn’t wait for his friends to do the same before he downs it quickly, however, and Geng looks on with a bemused frown. “What ?”

“Nothing,” Geng chuckles, lifting his glass up in his turn, taking the time to cheer properly with the two other men before swallowing his. “You just look more excited to celebrate than I am.”

He’s heavily referring to Youngwoon’s usual eagerness to drink at any occasion, but the man doesn’t comment on it.

“Which I don’t get,” Youngwoon retorts, “since this is a big event for you. You’re gonna be a superstar !”

“I wouldn’t say _ that_,” Geng contests sheepishly. “I only got second lead.”

“It’s still a _ Shin Donghee _ movie,” Youngwoon argues. “With a _ budget_.”

“Who got first lead ?” Jongwoon chips in, still grimacing from the strong alcohol shot he’s just taken.

“Choi Siwon,” Geng replies, and Youngwoon chokes on thin air.

“Wait, _ the _ Choi Siwon ?” Youngwoon checks as Jongwoon taps on his back to stop his coughing.

“Yep,” Geng confirms. “Not really surprising, since he and Director Shin are pretty close. He’s the reason behind the big budget. He’s producing the movie as well.”

“Rumour has it he wants to take a break from acting to produce movies instead,” Heechul adds. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”

“So you mean to tell me you’re gonna be acting in a _ Shin Donghee _ movie alongside _ Choi Siwon_,” Youngwoon repeats, unable to get over the situation. “When you get famous because of it, please don’t forget about us common folk.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Geng scolds playfully. “If Jongwoon managed it despite all the parties to attend and prizes he’s won, so can I.”

“It’s different in your case though, Geng,” Jongwoon corrects, chuckling. “Your _ face _ is gonna be everywhere. People just know my pen name. Most wouldn’t be able to recognize me on the street.”

“Okay, mister _ two hundred and fifty thousand _ followers on Instagram,” Geng jokes.

“This is irrelevant,” Jongwoon defends, laughing.

“Most people follow him because they think he’s hot,” Youngwoon adds. “They aren’t wrong.”

Jongwoon playfully slaps him on the upper arm, chuckling.

“Hey, just because I play for the other team doesn’t mean I don’t have eyes,” Youngwoon defends.

“Play for the other team ?” Jongwoon repeats. “How old are you ? Fifty ?”

Youngwoon wants to snap back at him, but he’s interrupted by the server bringing them another platter full of cocktails and shots Heechul ordered while they were bantering. This is something Jongwoon would’ve usually loved to see, but he guesses he’s still traumatized by his last experience because this time around, the only thing he can feel is his stomach churning.

Heechul is about halfway done with his first drink when he notices how unusually slowly Jongwoon’s drinking his.

“Why aren’t you drinking ?” he questions, puzzled.

“I got drunk two weeks ago,” Jongwoon explains with a funny little smile, “and I think I’m still recovering from that.”

“What are you, fifty ?” Youngwoon mocks him, finally getting his revenge from earlier.

Jongwoon fakes a laugh. “I’m not really on board with the idea of embarrassing myself in front of Ryeowook again.”

“Oh ?” Geng ticks. “He’s waiting for you back home ?”

Jongwoon smiles to himself, thinking about the fact that Geng always seems to pick up on every thing he mentions concerning his boyfriend. He’s definitely the romantic of the group—he likes to know the details.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods, hiding his shy little smirk by taking a sip of his drink. “He’s been staying with me for a little over two weeks now. Had a fight with one of his roommates and it’s too awkward between them to go back.”

The giant grin that appears on Heechul’s face means nothing good, and Jongwoon immediately braces himself for the teasing that’s about to come.

“I love how every time you mention Ryeowook, you end up blabbering unnecessary details about him,” Heechul states. “It’s like you can’t stop yourself. It’s adorable.”

“Jongwoon is whipped,” Youngwoon chips in.

“Oh god, they’re already drunk,” Jongwoon comments, looking at Geng for approval.

“M’not drunk,” Heechul argues. “I only drank like, three shots and whatever this thing was.” He points at his now empty glass, laying on the table before him, and Geng rolls his eyes.

“You know you’re a lightweight, baby,” Geng reminds him.

“That’s not what you said last night when you tried to suspend me from—”

Geng quickly puts his hand over Heechul’s mouth to shut him up. It’s not that he’s ashamed or wants to keep their sex life a secret per se, but he likes to keep a semblance of privacy outside of their kinkier activities. Youngwoon is also a bit clueless about this side of them; not completely, because he knows they used to go to the same dungeon Jongwoon met Hyukjae at, but when it comes to the actual details, he knows next to nothing. Geng would like to keep it that way, especially since Youngwoon tends to be a bit too loud when he’s drunk.

Heechul licks his hand, hoping to catch him off guard and make him draw it back, but Geng doesn’t seem bothered by it at all, to the younger’s dismay.

“I’ll let you free if you promise to behave,” Geng speaks, and Heechul brings his hand to his heart to promise, although Geng knows he probably isn’t sincere.

“I love it when you get assertive like that,” Heechul teases, and Geng immediately regrets his decision.

“I feel so single right now,” Youngwoon whines. He’s already down four shots and halfway through his second cocktail, and Jongwoon starts feeling sick on his behalf. That’s not going to be pretty in the morning.

“Trust me, it’s a pain sometimes,” Geng jokes as Heechul starts clinging to him.

“I agree,” Jongwoon chuckles, finally finishing his first drink.

“Is Ryeowook giving you trouble ?” Geng smirks, knowing by Jongwoon’s tone of voice that the man isn’t exactly serious.

“He’s an absolute angel,” Jongwoon gushes. “Which gives me hell sometimes because you know what _ cute _ does to me.”

With Youngwoon and Heechul being too busy laughing at unfunny jokes and trying to out-pun the other in a cringey dad joke contest to listen to their conversation, Jongwoon feels more at ease talking about Ryeowook; he knows Geng won’t tease him about it, and it’s not like the guy is in the dark about his sex life either. Jongwoon’s lost count of how many times they’ve had sex with their respective partners in the same room since college—it’s not like any of it is a secret to him.

“So he’s driving you crazy,” Geng laughs. “Heechul told me he’s new to the lifestyle. How’s that going for him ? Or the both of you, I guess ?”

Jongwoon takes another shot for the road, deciding it’s going to be his last. He’s starting to feel a bit tipsy—just enough to tell—and he wants to be able to drive himself back home.

“I’d say it’s fine,” Jongwoon confirms. “Different than what I’m used to, but I don’t really mind it. He’s into it, and it’s all that matters in the end. Safe, sane and _ consensual_.”

“Amen to that,” Geng lifts his shot glass up before downing it.

Despite being the reason to celebrate, Geng ends up the least drunk of the bunch by the end of the night, followed by Jongwoon who’s had time to sober up after his last drink. Their two other friends, on the other hand, are absolute messes, and they’re stuck having to carry their dead weight onto their shoulders.

Which means that, of course, Jongwoon has to be paired with Youngwoon despite Geng being the strongest of the two, since there’s no way in hell they’re going to be able to pry Heechul off of Geng’s back.

Jongwoon is panting when they get to his car, and he nearly throws Youngwoon’s body over the hood. He’s not in any state to drive himself back home, so Jongwoon volunteered to take him, but that doesn’t mean he has to be gentle.

Youngwoon doesn’t seem to understand this plan, however, because the man immediately starts searching his pockets for his keys the minute he’s able to keep himself balanced on his feet.

“What are you doing ?” Jongwoon asks, concerned.

“My keys,” Youngwoon slurs. “But I can’t find them.”

“You’re not driving in your state,” Jongwoon scolds him.

“But I need them to get into my house,” the older man explains.

Jongwoon sighs. This isn’t the first time his friend locks himself out of his place, and at nearly three in the morning, he’s not in any mood to start looking for his stupid keys.

“I’ll let you crash on my couch tonight and you can, I don’t know, call a locksmith tomorrow or something,” the man suggests sharply. “Now get your ass in the car before I kick you.”

“You’re so mean,” Youngwoon pouts, making Jongwoon chuckle. He can’t stay mad at his friends for very long.

Youngwoon passes out the minute they leave the bar’s parking lot, and Jongwoon wonders how the hell he manages to stay asleep even when his head painfully collides with the door from hitting a bump on the road—he knows the guy is a heavy sleeper, but he had no idea it was that bad. He’s probably going to have to slap him awake when they get to his place, because there’s no way he’s going to drag his body up five entire floors. He’s not completely out of shape—although he thinks he really needs to start going back to the gym—but he’s no body builder either, and Youngwoon is _ heavy_.

Jongwoon sighs again when he pulls over into his driveway, because the scenario of having to carry Youngwoon is starting to look more and more plausible since the guy is _ snoring _ on the passenger seat, and he contemplates letting him sleep in the car instead for a second.

Unfortunately for him, he’s not an animal, and the first thing he does when he gets out of the vehicle is to walk over to the passenger side and attempt to wake his friend up, which proves to be a very difficult task.

He does end up having to slap him, ultimately, but he doesn’t feel bad about it even a little bit.

Youngwoon is completely dazed at this point and can barely walk, but he can manage to stay up on his feet enough to be able to make it up the stairs, although not without Jongwoon’s help.

“Why the hell is there no elevator here ?” Youngwoon complains when they finally reach the top—he’s tripped more times than he can count on their way there and he’s exhausted. Stairs already are the devil to him when he’s sober. They’re his own personal punishment in Hell when he’s drunk.

“No idea, you gotta ask the landlord for that,” Jongwoon dismisses as he drags his friend up the last three stairs, letting him fall onto the floor so he can catch his own breath. “I am so dragging you to the gym with me. Now please get up or I’m leaving you here. My arms are dead.”

Youngwoon grunts as he props himself on his arms. He has to hold on to the railing to lift himself up, and Jongwoon is back to supporting his weight onto his shoulders as they walk down the hallway to his door.

Jongwoon can’t describe the relief that washes through him when he finally gets home and is able to leave Youngwoon to crash on his couch, because one more minute of having to carry him would’ve killed him.

Stretching out his heavy limbs a bit, Jongwoon looks around his apartment, finally noticing that Ryeowook is nowhere to be seen. The door to his bedroom is closed, so he guesses the boy fell asleep waiting for him, and he smiles to himself as he makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth—he’s not going to greet him with alcohol breath, whether it’s now or in the morning in case he doesn’t wake up.

He can hear Youngwoon snoring again when he walks out, and he hopes it isn’t loud enough to be heard through his bedroom wall. He can’t sleep with someone snoring. He can handle a lot of sounds, but snoring is the absolute worst.

Ryeowook’s steady breathing, on the other hand, sounds like music to his ears, and his heart warms up at the sight of him peacefully sleeping in his bed. He’s used to waking up next to him, but not coming home to find him there, waiting for him, and this situation hits differently by a long shot.

Careful to make as little noise as possible, Jongwoon shuts the door behind him and begins undressing himself down to his underwear, but he sees that his attempts were in vain when he hears his boyfriend let out a little strained whine behind him, slowly stirring from his sleep.

“Jongwoon..?” Ryeowook calls out weakly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Did I wake you ?” Jongwoon whispers, and he climbs onto the bed to crawl to the empty spot next to Ryeowook, burying himself under the covers.

“It’s okay,” the boy assures him as he cuddles up to Jongwoon. “I promised I’d wait for you but I couldn’t. M’sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it, baby,” Jongwoon dismisses, giving the boy a light kiss on his forehead. “As long as I know I’m coming back home to you, everything’s fine by me.”

“Did you have fun ?” Ryeowook smiles, readjusting his position so he can be as close to his boyfriend as physically possible—he’s only been out for a couple hours, most of which he’d been sleeping for, yet he still missed him.

“I did,” Jongwoon replies, lifting the boy’s chin up to gently kiss him on the lips. “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, okay ? You need to sleep first.”

Ryeowook nods slowly before he nuzzles into Jongwoon’s chest, and he lets himself be lulled to sleep by the man’s warmth and the comforting sensation of his hand stroking his hair, swiftly growing unaware of the world surrounding him and falling back into slumber.

It’s with a twinge in his heart that Jongwoon realizes that coming home to Ryeowook like this is only temporary, and he doesn’t like that.

Jongwoon is still knocked out cold when Ryeowook wakes up the next day, arms still wrapped tightly around him and locking him in place, and the boy feels so warm and cozy that he legitimately considers ignoring his hunger that woke him up in the first place to stay with his boyfriend instead for a hot minute.

Leaving Jongwoon’s arms in general is never an easy task for him, which is weird given he’s not normally this clingy with anyone, but his stomach gets the better of him and he has to wiggle away from the man’s grasp, trying to be as careful as possible to avoid waking him up. It’s still rather early in the morning and he came home late last night, so he deserves all the rest he needs.

Yawning and still half asleep, Ryeowook makes his way to the kitchen, planning to cook something simple for the both of them with whatever is left in the fridge—Jongwoon’s going to have to do the groceries soon. He settles for a simple vegetable omelette with a side of radish kimchi, hoping Jongwoon will like it.

Ryeowook is surprised by how easily he’s fallen into this routine; cooking’s always been a bit of a passion for him, but it’s quickly turned into something more personal now that he gets to do it for someone special every day. His stomach fills up with butterflies at this thought. Everything just feels so… domestic and natural, almost like he’s been doing it for years rather than a few months.

Ryeowook is so focused on his work that he nearly falls on his butt when a loud thud coming from the living room makes him jump, and he accidentally cuts the side of his finger when his hand slips in the process. It’s not very deep, but enough to draw blood, and he quickly grabs a paper towel from the roll next to him to cover it up while he goes to investigate the noise.

“Fuck,” he hears a voice he doesn’t recognize curse, and he decides that maybe he should grab the pan for good measure, _ just in case_.

There’s a man that emerges from the space between the couch and the coffee table in the living room, and to say he looks confused would be putting it lightly. He looks completely lost and disoriented, and Ryeowook’s grip on the pan tightens, ready to strike. It doesn’t matter to him that the guy is much bigger and taller than him—he’s got a weapon and he’s willing to use it if need be.

Youngwoon doesn’t notice the boy approaching cautiously for a few seconds, too busy trying to recover from his fall. His head is throbbing and he’s dizzy, not to mention that it takes him probably too much time to realize where the hell he’s just woken up. He hasn’t been to Jongwoon’s apartment in a while, and it’s changed quite a bit since last time; the only reason he even recognizes it is because no one in their right mind has this many bookshelves in their house aside from his friend, so it has to be Jongwoon’s place.

“Jesus Christ, I drank too much,” Youngwoon winces, thinking out loud, and he finally lifts his gaze up to meet with Ryeowook’s, whom he doesn’t recognize right away. “Oh shit, that’s not Jongwoon’s place at all.”

Ryeowook lowers the frying pan when he hears his boyfriend’s name being mentioned, but his grip on it stays just as tight; he’s not going to lower his guard until he knows what the hell this guy is doing in Jongwoon’s living room.

“Sorry, kid,” Youngwoon apologizes, raising his hand up in surrender while he uses the other to rub his eyes, sore from the daylight coming in from the large windows. “I have no clue how I got here, but I promise I didn’t steal any of your shit. Ah, _fuck_, I’m definitely never drinking again.” It’s a lie, but he likes to pretend it’s not.

“You know Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook asks, confused.

“... so this is Jongwoon’s place ? _ Thank the fucks_,” Youngwoon sighs in relief before realization hits him. “You’re Ryeowook, aren’t you ?”

Ryeowook nods hesitantly, wondering how the guy knows his name when he has no clue who he is.

“I’m, hum, I’m one of Jongwoon’s friends,” Youngwoon explains. “Went out drinking with him last night. I’m guessing he dragged me home with him.”

Ryeowook squints at him, analyzing his features—he thinks he recognizes him from Jongwoon’s photo album, but he can’t be a hundred percent sure. Still, the guy looks rather inoffensive, so the boy decides to give him the benefit of the doubt since his story is believable. He just wonders why Jongwoon hasn’t told him he was there when he came home last night—or maybe he did but he’d been too dazed from sleep to remember it.

“Sorry for the scare,” Youngwoon apologizes. “I promise you won’t need to hit me with that thing.”

Ryeowook looks down at the pan he’s still holding firmly in his hand and feels a bit embarrassed about it—this is not the first impression he’d been hoping to make on Jongwoon’s friends.

“I think I panicked,” Ryeowook nervously giggles. Boy, this is awkward. “Do you, hum… do you need some painkillers for your headache ?” he then asks, noticing how the man is rubbing his forehead and temples.

“Huh… yeah, yeah, that would be great,” Youngwoon agrees.

Ryeowook signals him to stay there while he goes to get the pills in the bathroom vanity, letting the pan rest on the island counter on his way there. He realizes as he’s reaching for the cabinet that he’s forgotten about his cut—the blood is soaking through the paper towel he’s wrapped around it, and he curses under his breath.

Ryeowook takes the extra time to rummage through Jongwoon’s cabinet and look for bandages and something to disinfect the wound before coming back with the painkillers for the guy—whom he realizes he still doesn’t know the name of—who gladly takes them and swallows them dry, completely disregarding the glass of water Ryeowook is offering him.

Youngwoon thanks him, and the conversation falls flat, creating this really awkward atmosphere Ryeowook struggles to endure. Meeting your significant other’s friends without them being present is a lot more uncomfortable than he would’ve thought.

“Do you want me to go and wake Jongwoon up..?” Ryeowook suggests.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Youngwoon dismisses. “I was about to go anyway.”

“Are you sure you don’t wanna tell him goodbye ?” Ryeowook insists—he has no fucking clue why he’s trying to make the guy stay given how awkward all of this is. He guesses it’s because he doesn’t want him to leave with a bad impression of him.

Apparently, the opinions of Jongwoon’s friends about him hold actual importance. He doesn’t think Jongwoon is the type to bother himself with what his entourage thinks of each other, but he doesn’t want to take the risk of making his boyfriend uncomfortable because he embarrassed himself in front of someone he’s close with.

“I was about to make breakfast,” Ryeowook continues. “You can stay if you want.”

Youngwoon stays silent for a moment, thinking about Ryeowook’s offer. He doesn’t want to intrude, but free food is hard to turn down, especially with the hangover he has—he’s _ starving_.

“You sure it doesn’t bother you ?” Youngwoon checks and Ryeowook nods, humming his answer. “Then yeah, I can stay for a bit.”

“Cool,” Ryeowook exclaims, a little happier than he’d intended. “I’ll be done in no time.”

As Ryeowook gets back to work, he tries not to focus too much on Youngwoon, who’s currently sitting at the island counter, bent over the top, hiding his face into the crook of his arm. Seems he’s still a bit messed up despite the painkillers kicking in, but the fact that he’s not staring at him while he prepares the food prevents Ryeowook from putting too much pressure onto his shoulders.

“You’re even cuter in person, you know,” Youngwoon compliments him out of the blue, taking the boy aback for a second. He doesn’t sound flirty by any means, but Ryeowook still grows a bit uncomfortable there. “I get why Jongwoon likes you. You’re exactly his type.”

_ Alright, not flirting_, Ryeowook internally sighs in relief, and he blushes when he finally processes what Youngwoon is telling him.

“Really ?”

Ryeowook tries—but fails—to hide his curiosity and excitement to know more; he’s just realized this is a golden opportunity to get some details about what—or _ if_—Jongwoon says about him to other people, and he’s not about to pass it up.

“Yeah,” Youngwoon confirms, lifting his head up to rest his chin on his forearm so he can look at the boy better. “He’s always gushing about you every chance he gets. It’s almost disgusting.”

“What do you mean ?” Ryeowook pushes, hoping to get more details.

“Just that he’s whipped beyond saving,” Youngwoon laughs. “I’m pretty sure you could ask anything of him and he’d comply without hesita—”

Youngwoon gets cut off when the door of Jongwoon’s bedroom clicks open, to Ryeowook’s dismay. It seems as though his plans have come to an abrupt end, but he can’t stay mad for very long. Jongwoon’s woken up right in time, just as he was about to put the eggs into the pan; all he’s hoping now is that Jongwoon is hungry.

Jongwoon rubs the sleepiness off of his eyes as he walks up to the kitchen on autopilot, letting the smell of food guide him, but he comes to a halt when he finally spots Youngwoon sitting at the island counter and suddenly remembers that he let him crash for the night without warning Ryeowook about it.

“Fuck, I forgot to tell you Youngwoon was here,” Jongwoon addresses, still a bit disoriented from having just woken up. “M’sorry, kitten. I hope you’re not too mad at me.”

Ryeowook smiles fondly at him, and he takes the pan off the heat so he can walk up to Jongwoon to embrace him, seemingly forgetting Youngwoon’s presence for a moment.

“Aside from almost attacking me with a frying pan, I think he took it well,” Youngwoon jokes.

Jongwoon looks over to him with an eyebrow raised; Ryeowook takes it as a sign that he should step back and go back to work, but Jongwoon catches him right away and pulls him closer by his waist, without breaking eye contact with Youngwoon even once.

Ryeowook can’t tell if it’s because he’s feeling clingy this morning or if it’s one of his adorable bouts of possessiveness, but he can’t say he’s complaining. It’s not overbearing in the slightest, at least not in his eyes, and he stays surprised at himself when he thinks he’d actually like it to be a whim—there’s something about the way Jongwoon’s possessiveness manifests itself that really gets him going.

“Attacked you with a frying pan ?” Jongwoon repeats, smiling to himself when he imagines how the scene would’ve played out. Just the thought of Ryeowook ready to beat someone up is hilarious to him given he’s so tiny and adorable—in other words, he looks completely harmless.

“I got startled,” Ryeowook defends. “I thought someone broke in when I heard him fall from the couch.”

“And your first instinct was to fight ?” Jongwoon reflects, half-amused, half-concerned. “If it had been a real burglary, it could’ve been dangerous, baby.”

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook mumbles. Jongwoon’s right. It was stupid of him, but thankfully, it had all been just a misunderstanding. “I just panicked.”

“If it ever happens for real, come wake me up, okay ?”

Ryeowook nods as Jongwoon holds him closer and kisses him on the top of his head, all under Youngwoon’s eyes, who’s looking at them in utter disbelief. Not only had they completely forgotten about his presence, but watching the way Jongwoon’s acting right now, all caring and protective and affectionate, is probably the strangest thing he’s seen in a long time—it really doesn’t look like his friend at all.

“What the fuck is happening right now..?” Youngwoon thinks out loud, catching Jongwoon’s attention, who then finally loosens his grip on Ryeowook and lets him go back to cooking.

“What do you mean ?” Jongwoon inquires, slightly cocking his head to the side.

“I’m looking at you now and you feel like a completely different person,” Youngwoon clarifies. “Where’s the emotionally constipated, closed off Jongwoon I’ve been friends with since college ?”

Ryeowook’s ears perk up at Youngwoon’s words. _ Emotionally constipated ? Closed off ? _ He knows Jongwoon isn’t the type to talk much about his emotions and thoughts, but the fact that Youngwoon is saying this regarding his display of affection just feels _ off_. Jongwoon’s been like this with him since the beginning, so he has no idea where his friend’s comment comes from.

“I’m still the same guy,” Jongwoon rebuts.

“_Whipped edition_,” Youngwoon corrects, chuckling. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see you like that. Even if it’s also kind of gross. Ryeowook, I don’t know what you did to him, but keep up the good work. Maybe one day you’ll rid him of the stick he’s got up his ass.”

Jongwoon slaps him upside the head, purposely putting more force into his swing than he usually would to shut him up. “Do you want me to kick you out ?”

“Please don’t,” Ryeowook interjects, appearing in front of them on the other side of the counter with two plates in his hands. “I don’t want this food to go to waste.”

Jongwoon groans lowly in discontent, knowing he’s cornered and has to agree with Ryeowook even if he doesn’t like the idea of Youngwoon dropping bombs like that on him—part of him worries he’s going to mention his ex, and there’s no way he’ll let that happen. The boy doesn’t seem concerned, though, nor does he look like he wants to pry and ask more questions about what Youngwoon is talking about.

Given there’s only two seats at the counter, Jongwoon decides to walk around and join Ryeowook on the other side so he’s not left alone standing up to eat. Youngwoon is the first to dig in, and his face lights up after the first bite, almost as though he’s just seen an angel for the first time.

“_Holy shit_,” Youngwoon curses. “Okay, okay. I get why Jongwoon wasn’t interested in his sandwich the other day. Why haven’t you told us Ryeowook cooks like a dream ?”

“I _ have_,” Jongwoon insists.

“No, you said he was _ good_,” Youngwoon corrects before turning his attention to Ryeowook. “Are you up for hire ?”

Although Jongwoon knows his friend is joking, his question really ticks him. He knows snapping back at him would cause unnecessary drama, and he doesn’t want to come off as an overly jealous boyfriend—the thought of Ryeowook cooking for anyone besides him and his own friends just irks him, even if he knows it’s ridiculous to think that way. Ryeowook is free to do whatever he wants. He just hopes what he wants doesn’t include agreeing to Youngwoon’s offer.

“_Sadly_, no,” Ryeowook replies, making sure his tone unmistakably comes off as sarcastic. “Boyfriend privilege only. This is a special occasion.”

Jongwoon’s never had the urge to kiss him this badly before, and it’s saying a lot, considering the fact that he wants to kiss him all the damn time.

“Bummer,” Youngwoon dejects. “You didn’t tell us he was snarky.”

“It’s better if you learn that by experiencing it,” Jongwoon quips, his earlier annoyance now gone thanks to Ryeowook’s reply.

Ryeowook giggles next to him. Even if it started off awkward, he’s happy things turned out the way they had. He still has a few questions concerning Jongwoon’s _ ‘stick up his ass’_, as Youngwoon so eloquently put it, but he ultimately figures that they’re not really answers he needs in the grand scheme of things. He doesn’t really care about who Jongwoon used to be, unless his past involves criminal activities.

“I can’t believe I got to meet him before Heechul and Geng,” Youngwoon blurts out. “I thought they’d be the first, given how close you and Chullie are.”

Jongwoon doesn’t know what to reply to that, given he hadn’t even thought of introducing Ryeowook to any of the three anytime soon—Youngwoon’s assumption makes sense, but ideally, it wouldn’t have happened until he were a hundred percent sure none of them would fuck up by mentioning Hyukjae or, what he fears in Heechul’s case, tease Ryeowook about Jongwoon’s sex life.

Jongwoon doesn’t think Ryeowook is ready to hear about all the shit he’s done before.

“Speaking of which,” Youngwoon continues. “We didn’t discuss it yesterday, but since Geng’s got the role, I guess that means our trip to Taiwan needs to be cancelled ?”

“Yeah, most likely,” Jongwoon nods.

“Taiwan ?” Ryeowook chips in. “You never told me you planned on going on a trip.”

“Because it was still uncertain if we’d be going or not,” Jongwoon explains. “And I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway, since the dates conflicted with a very important person’s birthday.”

Jongwoon smiles at him, hoping Ryeowook won’t be mad at him for never mentioning it—but if the way the boy is blushing at his words is proof of anything, it seems getting upset isn’t something that has crossed his mind at all.

“You guys are _ disgusting_,” Youngwoon grimaces. “You know what ? Why don’t you become even more cheesy and go on that trip together instead ?”

Jongwoon goes to protest, but he stops himself after thinking it over. God knows he needs that break from everyday life, and going on a trip with his baby for his birthday sounds like a lot of fun in hindsight.

Jongwoon turns to the side to face Ryeowook, who looks at him with a confused and slightly concerned expression.

“What do you think ?” Jongwoon asks, trying not to come off as too excited about the idea.

“I— I don’t—” Ryeowook stutters, unable to come up with a decision right on the spot like that. He’s left the country only once before, and that was during his last year of high school when he signed up for an exchange student program to study in China for a year. This is different, and he doesn’t know if he’s okay agreeing to this knowing fully well Jongwoon will insist on paying for everything, and trips are fucking _ expensive_.

“You’d be saving my life if you agreed, honestly,” Youngwoon pushes. “It’s too late to get a refund on my plane ticket, so I can get my money back by selling it to you, and I won’t have to make the calls to cancel everything on my side.”

“And it could be my birthday gift to you,” Jongwoon adds. “Although I would understand if you preferred to celebrate it with your friends. It’s up to you, but I’m down with the idea.”

Ryeowook chews on the inside of his cheek, uncertain. “Can you… can you give me a day to think about it ?”

“Of course, take your time, baby,” Jongwoon agrees, pulling the boy closer to kiss his forehead, which is immediately followed by Youngwoon’s dramatic dry heaving that completely ruins the mood.

Jongwoon loves his friend, but he can’t wait for him to go home.

“_God_,” Jongwoon grunts between heated kisses, “I’ve been meaning to properly wish you good morning since I woke up.” Ryeowook smiles against his lips as he grabs onto the man’s shoulders. “Couldn’t fucking wait for him to leave. Seeing your cute little butt walking around in _ my _ clothes was starting to drive me crazy.”

“I always wear your clothes,” Ryeowook giggles cutely.

“I know,” Jongwoon pants softly as he moves on to the boy’s neck. “But usually I have nothing to stop me from getting my hands on you.”

Ryeowook’s fingers dig into Jongwoon’s shoulders when the man gently bites down on his pulse, and the smirk he can feel against his skin is the only warning the boy gets before Jongwoon seizes his wrists to pin them above his head.

Ryeowook doesn’t know why he loves being restrained so goddamn much, but hell does he want to explore all of the options out there just to experience that feeling, that _ rush _ that overwhelms him whenever he’s trapped and rendered completely helpless under Jongwoon, and push it to entirely new levels.

Jongwoon seems to be well aware of it too; it’s not like it’s a secret, after all. Just the way Ryeowook’s cock is starting to swell just from having his arms bound like this is very telling.

Jongwoon looks up at him, and his expression quickly changes from teasing to confused when he notices the bandage on Ryeowook’s finger. He lets go of his left hand and pulls the right forward so he can take a closer look, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“When did you get this ?” Jongwoon asks softly. He doesn’t want Ryeowook to think he’s upset by acting panicked and overly worried.

“I cut myself this morning while cutting the veggies,” Ryeowook explains, a bit confounded from the abrupt turn their situation took.

“Does it hurt ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head. “No, not anymore.”

Jongwoon hums pensively before he brings Ryeowook’s hand to his mouth to leave a gentle kiss on his palm as the boy can do nothing but watch, still too confounded by the abrupt turn their situation took. Jongwoon lets go shortly after, opting to lie back on top of him, and he’s careful not to crush him when he wraps his arms around his waist and rests his forehead against his chest, leaving no time for Ryeowook to fully register what’s happening.

Jongwoon’s no longer in the mood to do anything. Learning his baby got hurt, even if the boy isn’t in pain anymore and that he has nothing to do with it, is probably the biggest turn off he could think of.

It takes a tad longer for Ryeowook to calm down, but he still lets Jongwoon hold him without asking anything or make any attempts at convincing the man to continue what he’d been doing. It’s difficult to try and shut down his arousal when he has the direct cause of it lying _ right on top of him_, but if _ Jongwoon _ out of anyone has decided to stop, he’ll respect it.

Ryeowook does wonder, however, why Jongwoon’s been acting so affectionate and clingy with him lately. Not that he’d ever acted differently with him, but it seems it’s gotten more intense in the past two weeks he’s spent living with him—and with the things Youngwoon had stated earlier, about how weird it is to see Jongwoon like this, he can’t stop his mind from filling up with a million questions, adding up to the already overflowing pile he’s had since he’d witnessed the man coming home piss drunk on a Wednesday.

He understands that there may be things Jongwoon doesn’t want to talk about. It’s not like Ryeowook tells him absolutely everything either—deciding to keep the part where Sungmin accused him of having daddy issues to himself being one of them—but there’s this gut feeling he has deep down that tells him there’s something bigger going on than just the excuse Jongwoon’s given him that’s slowly becoming harder to ignore, and he hates that he doesn’t have a single clue as to what it could be even now.

Ryeowook doesn’t believe the thing that tormented the man enough to ignore everyone for two entire days is the pressure put onto his shoulders by his publisher—at least, he can’t believe it’s the _ only _ reason. He wants to respect Jongwoon’s choice not to talk about it, but at the same time, he can’t help but feel a bit upset that his boyfriend still refuses to open up to him even after he’s assured him he wanted to be there for him too. The only problem is, he doesn’t know how to bring it up to Jongwoon, or how he’s going to react.

He realizes now just how in the dark he still is about where Jongwoon’s boundaries lie, and he’s still afraid of one day accidentally crossing that line and upsetting him. He’s seen Jongwoon cry _ once_—he doesn’t want to see that ever again.

“What are you thinking about ?” Jongwoon mumbles, lifting his head up to look at the boy. He almost sounds sleepy. “You look lost in your own thoughts.”

“Hum… just… _ stuff_,” Ryeowook stammers, unable to come up with a valid cover up.

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow. “Stuff ?” he repeats with an amused little smile. “What kind of stuff ?”

“You know, just… stuff,” the boy replies, still scrambling to find something believable to tell him, until something finally clicks a few seconds later. “You’re gonna need to do the groceries soon. The fridge is almost empty.”

“I hope your grocery list isn’t what you think about when I fuck you,” Jongwoon jokes, making the boy blush profusely. “I’ll go later today. Wanna come along ?”

Ryeowook bites down on his lower lip as he considers his options. He’d actually love to go with him, even if it sounds like such a mundane everyday task, because that’s what makes it so endearing in actuality. It’s definitely cheesy to love domestic couple activities so much, but it hits differently with Jongwoon. It’s what reminds him that they’re in a real, romantic relationship now, and no longer the booty call they started off as.

On the other side, though, there’s his plan of finishing his final assignment due for Monday today, and although he really isn’t excited about it, he reckons that he needs to be responsible about it, since his grades are what’s ultimately going to decide whether or not he continues to benefit from his scholarship for academic excellence and be able to afford his tuition.

He hates that money ends up being the deciding factor.

“I’d love to,” Ryeowook pouts, “but I really need to finish my assignment today. It sucks but I don’t have a choice.”

Jongwoon groans, a bit deceived. He’d been looking forward to doing this with Ryeowook for a little while by now, but he understands where he’s coming from and he knows he can’t argue against that.

“Your sense of responsibility is like a double-edged sword,” he whines as he reluctantly props himself up on his arms. “You’re lucky you’re cute and I can’t be mad at you.” Jongwoon leaves a light little kiss on the tip of Ryeowook’s nose before he climbs off of him, leaving the boy feeling weirdly empty.

“Wait, you’re going now ?” Ryeowook almost protests as he sits up, ready to catch Jongwoon—he didn’t want him to leave just yet.

“The sooner I go, the sooner I can come back to you,” Jongwoon states, and he cups Ryeowook’s cheeks in his hands before bending over to kiss the cute little pout he’s making off his lips.

“But—”

Ryeowook gets cut when Jongwoon’s thumb starts brushing over his lips—his touch is light as feather, and he could’ve continued to talk without a problem if he’d wanted to, but he can’t find the strength to, all of a sudden. This simple gesture was enough to open the door for the fog of subspace to seep through, apparently; Ryeowook can feel himself slipping already.

Jongwoon smiles down at him fondly, continuing to caress his cheek and lingering in the corners of his lips—he’s noticed, and his heart warms up at the sight. He’s so easy it’s almost unbelievable, and he _ loves _ it.

“Don’t you have an assignment to do ?” Jongwoon teases, and Ryeowook suddenly regrets his decision.

“I don’t want to anymore,” Ryeowook grumbles weakly.

Jongwoon squats down to his level so he can look him in the eye and takes his hand in his, keeping the other on his cheek. He knows Ryeowook’s not really serious and that he’s just saying that to try and convince him to stay, but he sees an opportunity here that he can’t pass up.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Jongwoon speaks softly. “If you do your work like you should, daddy will give you a reward when he comes back. Does that sound fair ?”

Ryeowook’s eyes light up. “What reward ?”

“It’ll depend on how much of a good boy you are,” Jongwoon replies. “We can decide together when I get back, what do you think ?”

“Hm hm,” Ryeowook nods. “Okay.”

“Good boy,” Jongwoon praises, and he kisses him once again before standing back up. “Is there anything specific you want me to get ?”

Ryeowook frowns as he tries to focus and think, which is always hard to do in the state he’s in. The way his cute little nose scrunches and his lips turn into a pout is almost too adorable for Jongwoon to bear, and he has to fight back his urge to crash his lips against his and mark the exposed skin peaking out of the neckhole of his shirt and throw his plans out the window.

_ Cute _ really does drive him crazy.

“Oh, yeah,” Ryeowook recalls. “I left a list of things I needed on the fridge yesterday.”

“Alright,” Jongwoon exclaims. “I promise I’ll come back as quickly as I can.”

Ryeowook may not have read any of Jongwoon’s books yet, but he can tell just from looking at his screen that he’s been heavily influenced by him nonetheless, just from what his boyfriend’s told him.

He’s supposed to draw a short comic of about a dozen panels for this assignment, and the very first one depicts a man lying in a pool of his own blood with a gunshot to the head, which is definitely far from anything he would’ve usually come up with on his own.

He’s proud of how it transpired, though—he’d been working on it for some time, making progress little by little, and looking at the finished product, he can say he’s rather surprised everything looks so cohesive.

The only part missing is dialogue, which proves to be harder than anticipated given his comic features only one character—the ‘dead’ guy from panel one, who miraculously comes back to life shortly after. Ryeowook knows his only option is interior monologue, but he can’t come up with anything impactful enough to fit the tone of his short story.

He thinks he understands Jongwoon’s frustration toward his writer’s block a bit better now—he was aware that writing is harder than what the majority of people believe, but never imagined it to be _ this _ level of complicated.

Every single one of Ryeowook’s attempts ends in embarrassing failure. He can’t find a way to properly convey what he’s got in mind without having it sound like a child with a limited vocabulary and creative thinking wrote it, and it’s starting to annoy him to the point that he considers taking a break to clear his mind, even if he knows he’s supposed to be putting all of his focus on his assignment. He wants to prove Jongwoon that he can be a good boy and do what he’s told even when he’s not there, but he just _ can’t _ anymore. His brain is about to fry.

It’s not like Jongwoon is going to know if he comes back to it when he gets home, which should be soon by now, anyway.

Ryeowook’s not really a social media guy, preferring to keep to the basics and casually uploading some of the drawings he’s made in his free time on his Instagram account from time to time, but he guesses it couldn’t hurt to scroll down his feed for a bit to get updates on what his friends are doing.

His feed is rather quiet, with everyone busy with finals, and most posts he sees have something to do with studying—there’s a picture of Kyuhyun slumped over his math textbook and looking at the camera with an undead expression, face pale as a ghost and bags under his eyes, that cracks him up a bit because of the caption : _ “this look is the reason I’m single”_, it reads, and Ryeowook feels like leaving some snarky comment on it, deciding against it at the last minute.

He doesn’t think Jongwoon would pay attention to that detail, but the guy’s on Instagram all the time, and he doesn’t want to run the risk of him noticing he’s commenting on other people’s posts when he’s supposed to be working.

Speaking of which, his boyfriend has a knack for taking selfies—even in pictures, which are generally supposed to make you look worse, he doesn’t seem to have a single bad angle. It’s almost frustrating. Jongwoon is the only person who can still look hot in an _ under-the-chin _ photo, and it’s not fair.

If it weren’t for the man showering him with compliments every single day, Ryeowook would most likely feel very insecure about his boyfriend being so goddamn attractive, and feel out of place standing by his side. He definitely was in the beginning, though; he started shaving _ everywhere _ because of it, wanting to match Jongwoon despite body hair not being something he was ever bothered with before. The man’s never commented on it, though, which proves Ryeowook that his boyfriend really doesn’t give a shit about this sort of thing, but he’s gotten so used to it by now that he keeps at it. He’s doing it for himself now.

Wanting to look pretty for him and put effort into it, however, is something that never left his mind, although it’s no longer for superficial reasons.

Which reminds him of something that’s been floating around in his head for a long time and that became more and more prominent in the past few weeks, and he realizes he’s never gotten around to ask Jongwoon what he thinks about swapping his collection of neon boxer-briefs to something _ prettier_, at least for special occasions. He feels too shy about bringing it up, because he really doesn’t know what the man thinks of it since he’s never brought up anything remotely related to this sort of thing.

It can’t hurt to just _ look_, though, Ryeowook reckons, and he opens up the browser on his tablet, deciding to indulge himself. He’s always thought lingerie was pretty, but for the longest time, he’s felt ashamed about wanting to wear it himself, probably because the thought that _ clothes have a gender _ had been hammered down his mind since birth—but he feels more confident about it now, and it’s largely thanks to Jongwoon.

He’ll forever remember what the man’s told him a few weeks ago, when they’d gone to the mall and Jongwoon ended up buying him new clothes; that if you like it and feel comfortable wearing it, what’s written on the label shouldn’t matter, and it truly felt like an entirely new set of doors had opened up in front of him in that moment.

The only problem is, lingerie is fucking expensive, and as he snoops around _ Vivian _’s—the first one he sees upon searching—official website, he starts gauging whether or not it’s worth it to pay ₩29,000 for a garment that’s either going to get thrown on the floor in under ten minutes or completely ruined by Jongwoon forcing him to cum in them is worth it, and no way he’s going to ask his boyfriend to buy it for him.

Ryeowook sighs. It’s a bummer, really, because some of them look really cute; he’s still hesitating, though, so he decides to keep his tab open to look at it later, and he goes back to work, just in time for Jongwoon to pull up into the driveway, groceries in hand and completely oblivious to the little stunt his baby is pulling behind his back.

Ryeowook knows Jongwoon is home the second he hears the quiet little beeping noise of his door getting unlocked, and he sets his assignment aside to greet his boyfriend and offer his help to put the groceries away, which Jongwoon doesn’t object to, because there are a lot of them—Ryeowook’s list wasn’t exactly short.

“Sorry it took longer than I expected,” Jongwoon apologizes, kissing the boy on the forehead as he hands him the lighter bags to carry. “Please remind me to never go to the supermarket on a Saturday again.”

“It gave me more time to work,” Ryeowook chuckles as they make their way into the kitchen to put all the stuff away, and the boy tries to make a mental note of everything Jongwoon’s bought, wanting to plan his meals ahead as much as possible.

“How did it go ?” Jongwoon questions as he’s putting things on the cupboard at the top without looking away from what he’s doing.

“I’m almost done,” Ryeowook responds cheerfully, proud to tell Jongwoon he’s done well despite his moment of distraction. “I’m just… struggling with the dialogue bit. Writing definitely isn’t my strength.”

“Think I could help ?” Jongwoon offers, turning his attention to him. “It might not be _ your _ strength, but it’s _ mine_. Well, it’s supposed to be.”

Ryeowook giggles, finishing up his task at hand and shutting the refrigerator door behind him. “I think you could help,” he replies. “I think your stories got to my head a bit. It’s probably something you’d feel familiar working with.”

“Oh ?” Jongwoon chirps. “Care to show me ?”

“It’s on the coffee table,” Ryeowook points, smiling like an idiot. He wouldn’t have thought he’d be so ecstatic about Jongwoon offering his help.

He follows Jongwoon into the living room, sitting on the couch next to him and immediately cuddling up to him as if compelled to do so by an outside force, and waits for his remarks apprehensively. His opinion means a lot to him.

“What’s the story supposed to be ?” Jongwoon questions, intrigued by the sequence of events displayed in front of him.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs. “I thought it could be about a man who can’t die or grow old looking for ways to die so he could meet his soulmate back in the afterlife.”

“It’s kind of tragic,” Jongwoon smirks. “What happened to happy endings ?”

“I blame _ you _ for that,” Ryeowook pouts. “I told you that you influenced me with your depressive endings.”

Jongwoon chuckles, reaching over to tussle up his hair playfully, making the boy whine in objection.

“It’s really good, though,” Jongwoon encourages. “I really like it. Especially the ending here.”

The man points at one of the last few panels; the first showing an indistinguishable silhouette basking in bright, blinding light, followed by another of the main character’s back as he stays sitting where he’d previously awoken—but it’s the last one that hits the hardest, with the man covering his eyes with a bloody hand as he chuckles bitterly, expressing his resignation facing his ironic fate, and Jongwoon truly marvels about how Ryeowook’s managed to paint such a cohesive and impactful story without any words or narration in mind. To say he’s impressed would be an understatement.

“I think I can definitely work with that,” Jongwoon nods. “You wanted it to be told through the character’s thoughts, right ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms, taking his tablet back from Jongwoon’s hands and readjusting his position to lie more comfortably against the man’s shoulder, and Jongwoon’s arm instinctively wraps around his waist to keep him close and make it easier for him to peek at Ryeowook’s work over his shoulder. “He’s bitter because he realizes that he’s still stuck in our world, but I just… don’t know how to do that without having him sound like an overemotional and dramatic teenage boy.”

Jongwoon hums and chews on his lower lip gingerly, trying to focus on the right words to use for each panel.

Unsurprisingly, having a successful writer as a boyfriend really comes in handy in this situation. Ryeowook almost feels guilty for entertaining the thought at one point that Jongwoon would end up more of a distraction than a helping hand, given the man’s tendency to turn almost any situation into a setting for sex, because what they manage to come up with is something he can say he’s more than satisfied with.

The comic looks more like an introduction to a more complex story than an entire one in itself, but it still holds its ground on its own, he thinks, and he’s actually quite proud of the result—or, at the very least, he doesn’t cringe when he reads it back to see the full picture and how it comes along as a whole.

_ I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve shaken hands with death. _

Just the first sentence makes him want to know more, and he’s almost shocked by how eager he is to continue reading despite knowing exactly what’s going on and how it ends.

_ Each time brings on a new type of pain, _

_ But the results remain the same. _

_ I always come back to this world to begin a new cycle, _

_ Each one more confusing than the other. _

_ Each one depriving me a little more of my sense of self, _

_ Destroying my memories one by one, _

_ Until all I have left are the ghosts of a former happiness haunting my dreams. _

_ It looks like this time will be no different. _

_ Please forgive me. It seems that, once again… _

_ I’ve failed to come find you. _

“I got chills,” Ryeowook blurts out, showing off his arm covered in goosebumps to emphasize his point.

“I’m guessing you li—”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Ryeowook beams, cutting Jongwoon off by nearly squeezing the air out of him when he throws himself into him and tightly wraps his arms around his middle, letting his tablet fall down on the other side next to his boyfriend.

Jongwoon’s not complaining, though, on the contrary, and he happily returns the embrace, pulling Ryeowook even closer to him. He’s so precious.

Wanting them to cuddle in a more comfortable position, Jongwoon reaches to his side for Ryeowook’s tablet, still turned on and showing his drawing, with the intention of putting it on the table so they could lie down, but something catches his attention when he accidentally clicks twice on the home button when he tries to leave the app.

He immediately recognizes the second tab Ryeowook’s kept open, and it takes him longer than it should’ve to figure out _ why _ the boy would be looking at lingerie online—just in time for Ryeowook to notice Jongwoon’s been staring at his tablet in silence for a strangely long amount of time and realize in horror what’s happening.

Jongwoon looks down at Ryeowook, bewildered. “Baby, do you—”

“It’s not what you think,” Ryeowook scrambles, taking his tablet off of Jongwoon’s hands to shut it off, even if he knows it’s in vain because he’s already seen, and yes, it’s _ exactly _ what Jongwoon’s thinking.

Jongwoon’s expression suddenly shifts to something Ryeowook doesn’t think he’s seen before—a mix of genuine interest and curiosity and pure, burning lust and desire—and he reaches back for the tablet to discard it to the side, making sure Ryeowook can’t close the tab just yet. He’s _ not _ going to drop the subject. Hell no.

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, baby,” Jongwoon murmurs, pulling onto his legs so he can sit across his lap swiftly, catching the boy by surprise. “Why haven’t you told me before..?”

Ryeowook shivers when Jongwoon’s hand trails up his sides, teasing the skin of his hip under his shirt, and he reflexively clings onto his boyfriend despite wishing he could melt into the floor and disappear instead.

“I didn’t know if y—” Ryeowook begins, but he chooses to change his approach halfway through his sentence. “I was too shy.”

Jongwoon breathes deep, fighting against himself to keep his composure before his mind spirals down too far and he becomes unable to think about anything but fucking Ryeowook in stockings.

“You shouldn’t be,” Jongwoon assures, titling the boy’s chin to force him to look him in the eye. Ryeowook is blushing profusely as he caresses his cheek tenderly. “Do you have any idea how pretty you’d look in these ? It drives me crazy just thinking about your perfect little ass barely covered in lace, how horrifyingly tight it would hug your needy little cock and how sensitive it would grow the more I’d touch you…”

Jongwoon slides his hand down to Ryeowook’s crotch to stress his words, barely applying any pressure just to tease him before moving away to graze at his inner thigh.

“Imagine how _ exposed _ you’d feel,” he continues, leaving a trail of languid kisses along the side of his neck, “displayed in front of me like a work of art, meant for _my_ eyes only…”

“I should’ve told you sooner,” Ryeowook mutters apologetically—if he’d known Jongwoon would be _ this _ into it, he would’ve been able to overcome his shyness for sure. “M’sorry.”

“It’s okay, baby,” Jongwoon comforts him. “We can fix that now. Wanna look at these together ?”

Ryeowook hesitates for a moment before nodding, figuring it wouldn’t hurt; ideally, he would’ve wanted it to be a surprise, but all the things Jongwoon’s told him so far hit _ hard_, and he wants to hear more.

“As long as you don’t buy them for me,” the boy adds sheepishly, knowing full well Jongwoon’s going to disagree.

“Oh no, baby, that’s not negotiable,” Jongwoon chastises him, soft yet firm enough to get his message across. “If you want us to try something, it’s my job to make it happen, isn’t it ? And this can be your reward for working so well on your assignment today.”

Ryeowook chews at the inside of his cheek, uncertain. He knows Jongwoon likes to spoil him, but he still feels uncomfortable asking him to buy things for him, and he feels like that’s what he’d be doing if he agrees. It’s already a lot that the man lets him live here free of rent, and he feels like he’s abusing it by making him pay for all the things he needs to cook.

“I don’t feel comfortable asking you for stuff,” Ryeowook rejoins. “I don’t think I ever will.”

“You’re not asking for anything, though,” Jongwoon corrects, pulling away just enough to look at Ryeowook. The hand he’s kept on his thigh slides up to play with the hem of his shirt, teasing, and he tries to convey just how serious he’s being through his eyes boring into the boy’s. “I’m offering. All you have to do is agree.”

Ryeowook exhales, resigned. “There’s no way I can win this, isn’t there ?” he pouts—he hates having to admit defeat.

“No way I’m dropping this opportunity,” Jongwoon chuckles. He’s smiling, but his eyes turn dark, pupils blowing out and shining with that lustful gleam Ryeowook’s seen so many times before. “Not when I know exactly what I’d be doing to you because of this.”

Ryeowook’s hold tightens around his neck for a second. Fuck. He wants this too much to keep arguing with him like that.

“... fine,” Ryeowook gives in, voice barely above a whisper and cracking slightly.

The smile on Jongwoon’s face is worth agreeing despite his discomfort, he reckons, trying to console himself. He needs to get used to this; it seems Jongwoon really wasn’t kidding when he told him he loves indulging in him.

Jongwoon’s never had to fight someone so much to convince them to let him spoil them. It’s the opposite, actually; ever since he’s been able to live comfortably with the royalties he gets from his books, it’s almost as if his partners started to expect it to happen. His ex-girlfriend had been the worst for this. They were together when his success skyrocketed to levels he would’ve never expected and she’d jumped on the opportunity to ask a lot from him, until he’d grown tired and broke things off with her.

Hyukjae had had a different approach. He didn’t have a job when they met and never got one for the entire time they’d been together, so circumstances were different. Jongwoon knew what he was getting into from the beginning, but he didn’t care. He liked feeling dependable, but he knows in hindsight Hyukjae exploited that to its fullest potential.

He rarely _ asked _ for anything directly, but he found ways to let Jongwoon know when he needed or wanted something, and being the dumbass in love he was back then, he’d fall in his traps every time. Part of him thinks he’s always known Hyukjae was just using him, but that he’d simply made the conscious decision to ignore it. Jongwoon likes spoiling people, but he hates when someone _ expects _ him to do it—he thinks he just wanted to keep himself in denial so he wouldn’t grow frustrated like he had with his ex-girlfriend.

Ryeowook definitely is a strange case. In appearance, he’s a perfect example of the type of person who would try and take advantage of his generosity; he’s a broke college kid who’s just starting in life, after all, so it makes it all the more surprising that he’s the complete antithesis of that.

Ryeowook’s never come across as someone who would take advantage of him, not even once, and although he’d rather not have to argue with him so much—part of him really doesn’t like knowing it makes the boy uncomfortable—Jongwoon truly appreciates it. His baby is special in every single way, and it’s taking a lot of getting used to, but he’s at a point where he couldn’t have it any other way.

Monday rolls around too quickly for Ryeowook’s liking. He’s eleven days from the end of the semester, and the anxiety of finals has started to weigh down on him. His art history exam on Wednesday is the one he dreads the most, and although Jongwoon’s spent their entire Sunday helping him study, he still doesn’t feel ready.

On top of all of that, there’s the additional apprehension he feels every morning knowing he might run into Sungmin, given he and Kyuhyun have made up and they share the same group of friends. It’s extremely awkward, because Ryeowook still refuses to talk to him or acknowledge his existence—he knows it’s childish and immature, but he really isn’t ready to forgive him yet. What he’s told him hit close to home, and his mind’s been plagued with insecurities since then.

He’s never thought he had daddy issues despite his rocky relationships with the father figures in his life; it’s definitely caused him to have fears and self doubt about his worth, but he’s never been looking for a replacement. Jongwoon is his first boyfriend, and even then, things weren’t even supposed to be this way at first.

Regarding Jongwoon as a father figure also feels extremely _ weird_, and it makes his skin crawl just thinking about it. The closest he has to that is _ maybe _ Kyuhyun at best. His personality reminds him of an awkward single dad trying his best to understand his son’s interests despite being completely clueless, and it makes him laugh just thinking about it.

Speaking of which, Ryeowook can spot him coming his way through the crowd of students packing their stuff to go home, thankfully with no Sungmin in sight. He’s had a long day of exams and preparation for more—he’s not in the right mind to deal with him too.

“Still staying at Jongwoon’s place this week ?” Kyuhyun checks in, not bothering to even say _ hello_.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods, throwing his backpack over his shoulder before shutting his locker door. “I’m not ready to come back yet. Not until things get better.”

“You should move in with him permanently, then,” Kyuhyun jokes, but Ryeowook is strangely on board with this idea. Sure, it’s _ very _ soon to make such a decision, but the past month had been eye opening to him. Jongwoon’s apartment feels more like _ home _ than anything he’s ever known before.

“I might,” Ryeowook quips, pretending not to be seriously considering this option. “I don’t think things can come back to the way they were before. At least not as long as Sungmin stays convinced Jongwoon is the devil.”

“I’d suggest locking them in the same room until they get along, but that might end in murder and blood is a bitch to clean,” Kyuhyun grimaces, the scenario of Sungmin and Jongwoon beating each other to death playing on repeat in his mind.

“Soap and cold water,” a voice from over Ryeowook’s shoulder speaks, making the boy jump. “It’s what my mom told me.”

Ryeowook turns around to face the source of his near heart attack to see Sungmin standing there, not even a metre away from him. How long he’s been there and what he’s been able to hear from their conversation, that he doesn’t know, but it’s not like it’s a secret to him that Ryeowook is mad and upset by him.

“I just came to ask Kyuhyun if he can give Saeun a ride to her place since her roommate just bailed and Mr Cho doesn’t reply to my texts,” Sungmin explains, feigning talking to Kyuhyun when it’s clear he’s speaking to Ryeowook.

“Yeah, sure man,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “Wait for me by my car, I’ll be there soon.”

Sungmin nods, and he gives Ryeowook a sad little smile before he leaves, which is only met with a glare from the younger man, although Ryeowook doesn’t mean to look so angry. He still needs time to heal.

“Kyuhyun, I need you to be honest with me,” Ryeowook declares once Sungmin is out of sight. “Do you think I have daddy issues ?”

Kyuhyun blinks at him, taken by surprise by the sudden question, although he knows where it’s coming from.

“No,” he affirms a few seconds later. “I think Sungmin got too caught up in his own conspiracy theories to realize what he was saying. You shouldn’t take it at face value. I don’t think he even believes you have any for real.”

“It’s still really upsetting,” Ryeowook laments. “The fact that he implied the only reason I liked Jongwoon is because of what he can give to me and not who he is. God, I don’t even want to think about how he’s going to react when he learns I’m going to Taiwan with him for my birthday.”

“You’re going to _ what _ now ?” Kyuhyun sputters, and only then does Ryeowook realize what he’s just blurted out without thinking.

“Jongwoon offered to take me on a trip and I agreed,” Ryeowook explains. “It’s just… the prospect of celebrating my birthday when things are the way they are is too awkward for me. Either I exclude Sungmin so Jongwoon can be there, or I exclude Jongwoon and have to deal with the awkwardness. It’s just… not fair to either of them, so I decided to get away from everything for a bit. Hope you’re not mad ?”

“I’m not,” Kyuhyun shakes his head, grinning like an idiot. “Why would I be ? Remember when we celebrated Changmin’s birthday without him last year ?”

Ryeowook chuckles at the memory.

“If you pull that off for mine, pour one out for me,” Ryeowook requests before his attention is taken away by his phone buzzing in his pocket.

_ Your Prince Charming has come to save you from the dungeon ;) _

Ryeowook giggles to himself. Jongwoon always manages to come up with stupidly adorable ways to let him know he’s there waiting for him, and this one is definitely amongst his favourites now.

Jongwoon puts his phone back into his pocket, leaning against the driver’s door of his car, eyes glued to the crowd looking for Ryeowook’s cute little blonde head to poke out from the crowd. He’s looking forward to seeing him—Mondays are long days for Ryeowook, and Jongwoon was about to go crazy after ten hours of being locked in his office doing nothing but get frustrated at his work. He needs a break.

To his absolute misfortune, though, the only familiar face he spots among the flock of students is the one he’s absolutely not pleased to see, making a beeline toward him with a determined look in his eyes that doesn’t bode well for him. He can already feel the headache coming.

Sighing heavily, Jongwoon prompts himself back on his feet, mentally preparing himself for the inevitable argument he knows is about to come.

“Sungmin,” Jongwoon greats with obviously fake excitement once Sungmin is within ear reach. He knows it’s petty and unprofessional to act so snarky and that it’s probably going to make Sungmin even angrier, but the resentment he holds against the guy gets the better of his rational side. “To what do I owe the displeasure ?”

“Don’t bullshit me,” Sungmin threatens. “You know why I came to you.”

“Let me guess,” Jongwoon jests. “You’re here to play the villain mother-in-law in cliché dramas who tries to prevent his son from dating someone she doesn’t approve of.”

“I can’t stay back and do nothing while my best friend is dating a creep who gets off of hurting him,” Sungmin accuses, fists shut tight clenching by his sides. He’s holding back from punching him square in the face, Jongwoon can tell.

“_Hurting _ him ?” Jongwoon repeats, taking a step forward as if he were urging Sungmin to say it again and see what happens.

Sungmin almost loses his composure then, only managing to mentally slap himself back to his senses before he shows Jongwoon he’s intimidated by him.

“As far as I’m aware, Ryeowook is currently hurting because of _ you_,” Jongwoon snarls. “And that’s why he came to _ me _ and decided to stay, because that’s where he feels safe and cared for.”

“I don’t know what fucking lies you’ve fed him to make him believe what you’re doing to him is _ normal_, but it won’t work on me,” Sungmin curses. “The bruises he came home with after spending the week with you have no fucking excusable explanation.”

“They do,” Jongwoon counters. “You just don’t want to hear it.”

“Listen here you fucking asshole,” Sungmin snaps, reaching forward to grab Jongwoon’s collar in an attempt to threaten him.

Jongwoon doesn’t fight back, but oh, he wishes he could; Sungmin deserves a broken wrist for everything he’s done and is currently doing, but he’s promised Ryeowook the Zhoumi situation wouldn’t happen again—especially not with someone the boy actually cares about despite everything, no matter how itchy his fist is to collide with Sungmin’s jaw.

“There’s no way you’ll convince me Ryeowook _ wanted _ this,” Sungmin continues.

“He’s more than grown enough to make his own decisions,” Jongwoon counters. “Him being mad at you comes from the fact that you can’t respect him enough to let him speak for himself and treat him like the adult he is.”

“Because _ you _ do ?!” the younger boy throws back at him.

Jongwoon smirks at the thought that crosses his mind then, even if he knows it’s just going to put him in even more trouble. He knows Sungmin’s not going to fight him more than that—he doesn’t have the guts to, and Jongwoon can tell.

“Did you not hear him begging for it over the phone ?” If he can’t fight back, he might as well have fun prodding and mocking him.

Sungmin’s grasp on his collar falters a bit. He has no fucking idea how to react to that—it came out of nowhere, and it’s not something he could’ve prepared himself to argue.

“You’re fucking _ sick_,” Sungmin rasps. “I’m not letting Ryeowook go with you tod—”

“Sungmin, _ let him go_,” someone calls from beside him—he recognizes Kyuhyun’s voice almost immediately. He’s stern, scolding and disappointed, so unlike his usual self, and Sungmin feels compelled to follow his friend’s request right away. 

Jongwoon takes a step back reflexively and looks over at Kyuhyun to thank him; that’s when he notices Ryeowook is also standing there, looking more upset than Jongwoon’s ever seen him be before, and he swears he can _ hear _ his heart split in half and crumble into pieces in his chest.

“What the hell, man..?” Kyuhyun questions, shaking his head from side to side, repulsed by his friend’s actions.

“It’s not what you think,” Sungmin scrambles to defend himself. “You don’t understand that—”

Sungmin is interrupted by a choked out sob coming from Ryeowook’s direction, and everyone’s attention turns to the boy, who looks so vulnerable and broken that Jongwoon forgets about the other two men to walk up to his boyfriend and embrace him tightly, letting him cry into his chest as he strokes his hair tenderly.

“Shit, baby, I’m so sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes, panicking. Ryeowook leans into him, wrapping his arms around Jongwoon’s waist tightly enough to make it hard for the man to breathe, but Jongwoon can’t find it in himself to give a shit. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.”

There’s genuine worry in Jongwoon’s voice Sungmin picks up on as he stares at the two, frozen in place and drowning in his regret. Seeing Ryeowook cry because of him and the way he’s relying on Jongwoon for comfort is a huge slap in the face for him—there’s no way he can look at this and convince himself the man is just pretending to care to keep appearances.

“Ryeowook, I’m—” Sungmin goes to apologize, ready to beg for forgiveness if he needs to, but Kyuhyun stops him, pushing him away from the couple.

“You’ve done enough for now,” Kyuhyun tells him before turning to Jongwoon, who’s still trying to comfort his friend, rubbing his back soothingly and promising him over and over again that it’s over now and everything’s going to be okay. “Are you okay, man ?”

Jongwoon gives Ryeowook a quick kiss on the top of his head before turning to Kyuhyun to nod, silently letting him know nothing bad happened to him before he walked in on his and Sungmin’s fight.

Jongwoon looks back at Ryeowook to check up on him—he’s still sniffling and hiccuping, but he can’t hear sobs anymore, which comes as a huge relief to him.

“Are you okay, baby ?” Jongwoon speaks softly, and Ryeowook pulls back as far as Jongwoon’s gasp on him will allow so he can nod and dry off his tears. Jongwoon smiles fondly at him, pushing Ryeowook’s hands away to wipe off his tears in his place.

“I want to go home,” he mumbles weakly, voice cracking a bit. He’s loud enough for the other two to hear, and Ryeowook’s words make something tick in Sungmin’s mind.

_ Home_. He’s calling Jongwoon’s place _ home_.

Maybe he’s fucked up more than he was aware of. He still has no answers for any of his questions and concerns, and he knows he’s going to be wary of Jongwoon as long as he can’t tell without the shadow of a doubt that he only has good intentions when it comes to Ryeowook, but he recognizes that he truly has taken things too far with this.

He definitely deserves the death glare he gets from Jongwoon when he and Ryeowook climb in his car, and he watches them leave with a heaviness in his heart he knows he won’t be able to get rid of for a long time.

Despite Jongwoon’s efforts to comfort him and help him clear his mind, Ryeowook still looks off and upset by the time they’re getting ready to go to bed that night. He keeps staring off into the distance, and it breaks Jongwoon’s heart to see him like that. The boy’s told him it’s not his fault multiple times and reminded him that Sungmin was the problem, but he still feels like apologizing. He thinks he should take part of the blame for being the root of the problem, despite it never being his intention.

Ryeowook completely zones out when they get to the bedroom after they took a shower, almost as if he’d forgotten how to put clothes on and was trying to figure it out without embarrassing himself asking, and Jongwoon sighs. He hates this. He fucking hates seeing him like this and being so powerless to do anything.

Jongwoon sits at the foot of the bed, his towel wrapped around his waist being the only thing covering him up, and he waits to see if Ryeowook’s going to snap out of his trance by himself for a few seconds, but nothing happens.

“Baby ?” Jongwoon calls out. Ryeowook looks at him, but it still doesn’t look like he’s all there. “Come here.”

Jongwoon beckons him to come to him, and the boy obeys without a word, letting Jongwoon sit him on his thigh once he gets to his level, as if he were a robot void of free will. The man gets some of his hope back when Ryeowook wraps his arms around his shoulders, but it’s quickly swept away by the realization that he’s shaking in his hold—not much, but enough for Jongwoon to notice, and he’s worried his baby might start crying again at any time.

“I don’t like seeing you like this,” Jongwoon murmurs.

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook breathes.

“No, no, no, sweetheart,” Jongwoon stops him. “I should be the one to apologize. I feel like it’s my fault.”

“Please don’t say that,” the boy pleads, sounding desperate, and his grasp on him tightens even more. “It scares me when you say that.”

“Scares you ? Why ?”

“I don’t want you to leave because you feel like it’s your fault Sungmin and I aren’t friends anymore,” Ryeowook sniffles. “I already lost a friend. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“Oh, baby, no,” Jongwoon dejects, crippled with guilt that he’s actually entertained the idea of leaving because he didn’t want Ryeowook’s friendships to be ruined by his fault. He’d wiped that thought right away, but it still _ happened_, and he feels terrible about it. “You’re not gonna lose me. Whether Sungmin likes me or not, I’m in it for you and you alone, okay ? I know your friends’ opinions are important, but if you don’t give it importance, neither will I.”

“It won’t change anything between us ?”

“No, never,” Jongwoon vows. “It’s always been about _ you _ and _ me_, hasn’t it ? No one will ever be able to take away what we have. I won’t let them.”

“Promise ?”

“Promise,” Jongwoon repeats, and he pushes on the boy’s shoulder so they can look each other in the eye—he wants him to know he’s sincere.

Jongwoon reaches up to stroke Ryeowook’s cheek tenderly, hoping to see the small glimmer of doubt left in his eyes disappear, but it doesn’t. Not entirely.

“Is there anything I can do to prove it to you ?” he then asks, intent on having Ryeowook fall asleep tonight knowing with absolute certainty that he’ll always be able to count on him no matter what, and that it’ll take more than just a quarrel between him and his friends to split them up.

“Make love to me ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t realize he’s said this out loud until he feels Jongwoon’s entire body stiffen under him, and he instantly regrets _ everything_. He’s going to panic, he can feel it, he can—

“_Gladly_,” Jongwoon smiles at him before bringing their lips together in an uncharacteristically delicate kiss, and Ryeowook thinks he might start crying, albeit this time from happiness.

Jongwoon doesn’t know what the hell has gotten to his head for him to agree to it so quickly, given how fucking terrified he is deep down. His instincts to comfort and protect Ryeowook are much stronger than his own fears, and he’s determined to achieve his goal before he can even _ think _ of second-guessing everything he’s about to do, even if he’s aware he might end up beating himself up over it later on.

For now, though, he doesn’t give a shit. Ryeowook needs him. He can’t be dwelling on his own unstable emotions right now.

With a gentleness and care he rarely displays in situations like these, if ever, Jongwoon twists around and lays Ryeowook onto his back on the mattress, still kissing him with that same tenderness he’d exhibited earlier. He’s in no rush to let things grow more heated, and neither is Ryeowook, who simply follows the pace Jongwoon has set for them, letting himself get lost in his own feelings of safety and belonging.

After throwing towel off somewhere in the room, Jongwoon moves on to the corner of Ryeowook’s lips, leaving a trail of light, slightly sticky pecks down his jaw, his neck, stopping to suck on the tender spot right below Ryeowook’s left collarbone, which the boy is extremely reactive to. Ryeowook gasps audibly, and Jongwoon allows him to tug at the hair at the back of his head this time around. He groans lowly, a sound that sends chills down his boyfriend’s spine, who’s now silently urging him to move along with his breathy moans and occasional quiet whines.

Jongwoon gives the fresh hickey forming under his lips a quick lap of his tongue before he indulges his boyfriend and moves lower, and the boy moans a bit louder than he had thus far when Jongwoon wraps his mouth around his nipple—he almost regrets prompting the man to keep going, if it weren’t for the fact that it feels _ so good_.

Jongwoon props himself onto one of his forearms, and uses his free hand to map around every curve of Ryeowook’s upper body, going as far up as to brush his thumb over his Adam’s apple and as far down as to tease the edge of his ass at his hip, and he lets it rest there as he starts his trail of kisses down once again. Moving down the middle of his chest, he stops at the bottom of Ryeowook’s sternum, wanting to tease the boy just a little more, knowing how sensitive his stomach is.

Ryeowook’s breathing picks up, turning more ragged and shallow as time passes, and the grip he has on his hair now threads on the border of pain, not that Jongwoon really minds. There are a lot of firsts happening tonight; for the first time in forever, he’s setting his urge to _ dominate _ and _ claim _ aside, focusing solely on what Ryeowook wants and needs and disregarding his own almost completely. He might as well go all the way at this point, even if his first instinct is to pin and tie up Ryeowook’s hands for doing what he’s doing right now.

Ryeowook’s stomach clenches when Jongwoon moves down again, and the boy bites down on his lip to try and stay quiet as much as he can, not wanting to sound wanton and needy in this situation. He wants Jongwoon to make love to him rather than fuck him like an animal, but the latter option becomes more and more appealing to him the more Jongwoon teases him.

“You don’t need to hold back, baby,” Jongwoon whispers against his skin, as if he were able to read his mind, which isn’t something surprising to Ryeowook anymore. “Let me hear you. Your sounds are always so _ pretty_.”

For once, Jongwoon doesn’t sound demanding or like he’s giving him an order. It’s a suggestion; one Ryeowook hesitates to take, but eventually has to resign himself once Jongwoon’s lips connect with the spot right below his navel and it suddenly becomes too difficult for him to control himself. He can feel Jongwoon’s satisfied smirk against his skin, and he fully expects the man to stop there and come back up like he usually would, but he doesn’t.

_ He doesn’t_, and for a second, Ryeowook’s mind blanks in confusion and surprise.

Ryeowook lets go of Jongwoon’s hair then, instead using his elbows to lift his upper body up to look at what Jongwoon is doing, only to find the man kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed, head between his legs, and his arms nearly give out from under him when the man begins to suck on his inner thigh, so close to where he needs him the most yet so far at the same time. He throws his head back in pleasure, and he lets out a pleading whine against his will.

“Have you ever had your dick sucked before, angel ?”

Ryeowook’s eyes pop open, and his head shoots up to stare at Jongwoon in utter shock—he has a good idea of where this is going, and his mind starts spinning a mile a minute just thinking about it.

“N-no,” Ryeowook stutters, shaking his head from side to side. His entire body is burning with embarrassment.

“Hm,” Jongwoon nods to himself. “I don’t do this often, but tonight’s a special occasion, isn’t it ?”

Jongwoon winks at him before taking Ryeowook’s half-hard, already leaking cock in his hand right at the base, and the boy’s entire body goes limp when his boyfriend teasingly licks a stripe right under the tip. Without giving Ryeowook time to get his thoughts back together, who’s already messed up just from that, Jongwoon repeats the action, this time starting lower and going much, _ much _ slower, stopping at the head to give it a light little kiss; his lips linger there so the man can run his tongue over the slit to lap at the precum seeping out, and Ryeowook thinks he’s about to lose his goddamn mind.

He would’ve never imagined something like this would make him so sensitive so quickly, and he doesn’t know if that’s due to it being his first time or Jongwoon himself. Not that it really matters anyway, because he’s already hard and on the verge of exploding—he doesn’t think he’ll be able to last for very long.

His days of having to finish himself off after unsatisfying sex seem so far away now. It’s crazy to compare that to how easily Jongwoon can make him cum by doing virtually _ nothing_.

Ebbed by Ryeowook’s moans and the way he’s fisting the sheets until his knuckles turn white, Jongwoon finally sinks all the way down, hollowing his cheeks as he comes back up, letting Ryeowook’s cock go with a soft pop—he then goes back to teasing the tip, swirling his tongue around it and coating it with spit, before he repeats the action again, although this time, he doesn’t pull away completely.

Ryeowook’s cock is small enough to prevent Jongwoon’s gag reflex from getting triggered, and the man hums in content around his boyfriend at the realization. He momentarily pulls out again to leave another trail of kisses from the base of his shaft to the swollen head, chuckling lightly as he witnesses the way Ryeowook’s truly losing it—his boyfriend looks so fucked out and like he’s unable to figure out what to do except moan and beg, and it’s fucking _ beautiful_.

“I fucking love how tiny your cock is,” Jongwoon purrs as he brushes his lips on the underside of Ryeowook’s cock once again. “You know that, right ?”

Ryeowook can’t answer him, too far gone in his own mind to form coherent words, but he _ does _ know—he’s so well aware of it, in fact, that his former insecurities regarding his size are completely gone from him now. Jongwoon has somehow managed to turn it into a compliment, something Ryeowook would’ve never expected before meeting the man. He had no idea someone could be so into this. Usually, size kinks go the other way around, but fuck, he’s glad Jongwoon has a tendency to live outside of the box.

Jongwoon takes Ryeowook back into his mouth, and he can feel it start to twitch, signalling that he’s close. The corners of his lips curve upwards as he pulls out one last time, running his tongue under the shaft as he does so, and he presses Ryeowook’s cock flat against his pelvis, tip pointing toward the boy—all he needs to do to send him over the edge is to run his thumb right at the spot connecting the head to the shaft, making the younger man spill himself all over his stomach, lines of cum painting a masterpiece on his soft skin.

Jongwoon looks up at the boy’s glowing face, and he wishes he had his phone nearby so he could snap a picture and show Ryeowook just how fucking beautiful he looks when he cums. The man keeps his gaze locked on him as he waits for his breathing to calm down, using this time to suck a proper hickey on his inner thigh, and something pulls at his heart when the boy manages to open his eyes to meet his burning gaze.

This something is screaming at him to shower him with affection, to truly let him know how much he cares about him, to show and prove to him that he matters—Jongwoon can say without a doubt in mind that Ryeowook is the most important person in his life at the moment, and he wants to tell him.

_ He wants to tell him_, but an unknown force inside of him completely blocks his attempt as soon as he goes to open his mouth, almost as if it made him forget how to even speak. He can sense the anxiety starting to boil in his chest, and all Jongwoon can do now to prevent this is to stand back up and crash his lips onto Ryeowook’s without even having the time to give him a heads up. He needs a distraction from the threat of his fears coming to the surface, and it’s the only thing he could think of that could work for him.

The kiss is a lot rougher and rushed this time around, with Jongwoon wanting to get drunk off of lust and desire and forget about his worries, even if it’s just for an instant. Ryeowook is surprised by the sudden change in pace and mood, but he doesn’t complain; he wants Jongwoon to be inside of him _ now_—he’s even willing to skip the prep altogether despite knowing the man’s not going to let that happen and that it could seriously hurt him.

Still, he doesn’t want Jongwoon to take more time than he needs to, because he’s impatient, and he feels _ empty_.

“_Daddy_,” Ryeowook pleads, using the nickname by reflex without thinking about it, and this despite the fact that he can tell he’s not even in subspace at the moment—he’s almost weirded out by it too, because by now, this feels completely unnatural to him.

Jongwoon knows it too; he can hear the confusion in his voice and the way his eyes bore into his, seeking answers, and out of complete impulse, Jongwoon wraps his arms tightly around his chest, letting his body fall flush against the boy’s and his face hide into the crook of his neck, hugging him firmly. He’s overwhelmed by a mix of gratefulness and pride, because he understands what Ryeowook is begging for; and it’s not just for his cock.

In spite of his request to take it slow this time, Ryeowook _ still _ wants the dominant-submissive element to be a part of it, and Jongwoon couldn’t be happier than he is now. The boy never ceases to surprise him—he’s going to end up believing his baby is an actual angel given how fucking perfect he is.

“What is it, angel ?” Jongwoon asks, voice low and sultry, and the man slips a hand between their bodies to caress the smooth skin of Ryeowook’s chest, avoiding the lower part that’s sticky and covered in cum.

“I need you now,” Ryeowook shudders, but his heart rate drops when he can feel the fog of subspace slowly seep through his mind, feeling instantly comforted by it. “Please hurry up. I feel so empty…”

Jongwoon smiles against his pulse, and he leaves a quick peck on the underside of his jaw, right where it connects to his ear, before pulling away, completely disregarding the fact that his abs are now covered in cum too.

“Climb onto the bed properly,” Jongwoon demands softly. They’re still at the foot of the bed, Ryeowook’s legs dangling from the edge, and Jongwoon thinks if they’re going to do this, they might as well do it _ properly_.

Ryeowook obeys, pushing himself up toward the middle, with Jongwoon following him suit; and once the boy reaches the center of the bed, Jongwoon cups his face into his hands to pull him into another loving and tender kiss. Ryeowook wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s neck to drag him down with him, letting himself fall on his back on the mattress, and he brings his legs up to cross them around Jongwoon’s hips, urging him to _ please fill him good _ like he always does.

Jongwoon chuckles, still as amused by Ryeowook’s eagerness and impatience as always, and he decides to have mercy on him this time around, since it’s supposed to be all about him. He’s mindful to still make sure Ryeowook is stretched out enough to handle his size without much trouble, but he doesn’t waste more time than he needs to to ensure that.

Jongwoon’s cock isn’t even fully hard yet when he enters him, and he has to use his hand to guide and push it past the rim, sighing in bliss when he can finally enjoy the familiar heat and smoothness of Ryeowook’s perfect little hole.

Jongwoon bends down to hold the boy by the shoulders, wrapping his arms around and under each of his arms, and he stays still for a minute as he waits for his cock to harden fully before he can finally start to move.

The sensation procured by Jongwoon’s cock swelling inside of him isn’t something Ryeowook can describe accurately—all he knows is that he almost cums again just from that, and he can feel his cock pulse between his legs.

The pace Jongwoon sets is slow, but _ deep_, rolling his hips with every thrust to hit that sweet spot inside of him with terrifying accuracy and making the coil forming in Ryeowook’s stomach grow tenser and tenser each time, until the pleasure becomes so much he can’t even hear his own moans.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jongwoon whispers into his ear. “And you’re so good to me, baby. I don’t know what I’d be doing without you.”

Ryeowook clings to him with all the strength he can muster, and he brings Jongwoon’s head down so he can kiss him once again. There’s a moment where he thinks he might end up crying, overwhelmed with joy and the feeling of being so loved by the man he loves in return—and he might have, not that he’d be able to tell. The only thing he’s able to focus on is Jongwoon and the way his heart is pounding into his chest. Nothing else exists.

“You’re an absolute _ blessing_,” Jongwoon continues between kisses, voice rough and breathy from the strength of his movements, “and there’s no way I’m letting anyone take you away from me.”

It’s rare that Jongwoon is aware that he’s dreaming. Usually, when it happens, he’s either dreaming about his books or starring in his own horror movie; this time, however, it’s neither of those scenarios, and for a time the sheer realization that he’s going to be okay is enough to ease his nerves.

The presence of his best friend, although clearly drunk and oscillating on the barstool ready to fall at any moment, is strangely comforting, especially given his last experience with lucid dreaming.

Well, if he can call a dream he can’t wake up from _ lucid_, that is.

Heechul is blabbering something about Geng that Jongwoon can’t really comprehend—he’s missed the first half of it, and his friend’s drunken state makes it hard for him to even form coherent ideas in the first place. Jongwoon still chuckles, remembering their college days where they’d get black out drunk trying to compete against each other to see who would tap out first, and their egos would always triumph over rationality.

He’s surprised they’ve never ended up drinking themselves into a coma.

“... what I’m trying to say is,” Heechul slurs, “sometimes I envy you and Hyukjae for being able to always assume the same role in sex. Geng and I always have to fight to decide who’s gonna bottom, and while a dick up the ass is nice from time to time, I don’t always want it, you know.”

Jongwoon’s compulsion to laugh is quickly shut down when he fully analyzes what Heechul’s just told him, and things don’t add up.

“Are you honestly drunk enough to forget Hyukjae and I broke up ?” Jongwoon questions, wondering why the hell his subconscious would make this happen in the first place. “I’m with Ryeowook now.”

Heechul blinks. “No, it’s you who’s missing some spots,” he corrects, and despite his wobbly voice, Jongwoon can tell Heechul’s being serious. “Ryeowook left you a long time ago.”

Despite knowing this is a dream, Heechul’s words hit him like a truck driving full speed on the highway. Just considering the idea that this could happen is too much for him to handle, and he curses himself for thinking this dream would be lighthearted fun.

“The minute he realized how fucked up you are, _ woosh_,” Heechul explains, punctuating his words by acting out a plane lifting off with his hand. “He was gone. I told you you’d end up traumatizing him.”

“If this is a prank, this isn’t funny at all,” Jongwoon thinks out loud—he meant to talk to himself, to his brain playing tricks on him, but Heechul deduces that his words were addressed to him.

“Wait, did you really think someone like him could love somebody like you ?” Heechul snorts. “The guy’s a fucking angel, he’s not made to handle something like you. This is why you and Hyukjae came back to each other despite how toxic you both are. It takes _ broken _ to deal with _ broken_, you know this. It’s time to fucking wake up, Jongwoon. The illusion can’t last forever.”

Jongwoon feels as though an invisible force is constricting his chest, crushing his lungs and tearing his heart in two, and he’s frozen in place, stuck to the barstool as the world around him starts spinning at a dizzying pace, quickly making him feel nauseous and on the verge of passing out.

He knows it’s just a dream. He knows this, but he also knows dreams come from one’s subconscious—it’s a message he’s sending to himself. He’s having a direct conversation with his deepest fears, and being aware of this only makes things worse. He can’t console himself by saying it’s _ just _ a dream, because it’s not. It’s reality—it’s a visual representation of his thoughts and feelings, and it’s all the more terrifying that his inner voice took Heechul’s appearance. _ Heechul,_ his voice of _ reason_, is giving him a warning, and it keeps echoing in his mind in a deafening, booming voice he soon can’t recognize.

“Your walls are crumbling, and he’s too pure and innocent to be able to deal with that. He deserves someone better. He’s too good for you and you’re aware of it, aren’t you ? You know it’s coming. You’re just trying to buy more time until the day he realizes that you can’t make him happy, and he’s going to leave you.”

The air around him suddenly feels cold and heavy, making it increasingly harder to breathe properly. He can feel his lungs crystallizing more and more with every breath he takes, and his vision turns black in an instant. The barstool he’s sitting on vanishes from existence, leaving him to float in an abyss of nothingness.

He needs to fucking wake up before he starts panicking, before he gives reason to the voice going down the list of every single thing Hyukjae’s reproached him for doing, of every accusation he’s thrown at him, and reminding him that the same is going to happen to Ryeowook if he doesn’t give up trying to keep up the appearances and feeding the boy a lie, but every attempt he makes at getting out of this hell results in failure.

Jongwoon brings his hands up to his ears, but he realizes right away that this does absolutely nothing good—the voice doubles in volume, growing more aggressive and accusatory at every word it utters, and Jongwoon is about to lose his goddamn mind.

“Shut up…” he pleads, not knowing what else he could do at this point. “Please, I can’t take it anymore…” Jongwoon’s voice cracks, and it takes him everything not to start crying then. He’s so tired. So tired of tormenting himself like this, of holding himself accountable for things he never meant to do and was able to make amends for, of living with this guilt destroying him from the inside. “Please, leave me alone. He’s not Hyukjae. I’m not going to repeat the same cycle with him. Let me be…”

_ Wake up. _

_ Please wake up. _

“Jongwoon, please wake up,” his voice inside his head pleading him to wake up merges with Ryeowook’s as he’s startled awake. He’s panting heavily, struggling to catch his breath at times, and for a moment he’s unable to make up his surroundings, his mind too panicked to think of anything else.

Ryeowook is kneeling above his lap, legs on each side of him, keeping him pinned to the bed by the shoulders. His face is the first thing he’s able to recognize, but instead of bringing him comfort and reassurance like it’s supposed to, it only makes his already ridiculous heart rate pick up.

He doesn’t know what the fuck is happening. At all. He can’t take in any information and make something out of it. He can’t feel anything but fear and an imminent sense of danger, and all he can see is Ryeowook’s worried expression, but he can’t even understand what it means right now.

He’s just… so lost.

Ryeowook is internally freaking out. He’s figured Jongwoon must’ve had some kind of nightmare, but his boyfriend isn’t reacting to anything. He’s not responding to him, and he doesn’t even think he can hear him at this point. He doesn’t know what to do, but he can’t let himself panic and lose his composure.

When Jongwoon starts shaking under him, Ryeowook’s first instinct is to lean down to hold the man in his arms, clinging to him as if his life depended on it—he can’t stop it when he starts to cry, too worried about Jongwoon to react any other way.

“Jongwoon, please answer me,” Ryeowook sobs into his neck. “Everything is okay. You’re here, you’re awake now, nothing can hurt you. _ So please… please tell me you’re okay_.”

Hesitantly, Jongwoon’s arms surround him, his consciousness coming back to him, albeit at a snail’s pace. Ryeowook’s eyes shoot open, and he tries to pull back so he can look at the man’s face, only to be stopped when his boyfriend’s hand comes to rest on the back of his head, forcing him to stay right where he is.

“_Don’t_,” Jongwoon orders him. His voice sounds so flat and lifeless that it chills Ryeowook to the bone.

Ryeowook has a million questions in his mind. _ What has Jongwoon dreamed of to react this way ? Is he okay ? Is this the first time this happens ? Can he do something to help ? _ He has no clue. No clue about anything, and he hates feeling so powerless when Jongwoon clearly needs help.

“Just… stay here,” Jongwoon sighs, voice quivering slightly, and his hold on him tightens even more. “Don’t go. _ Don’t be scared of me. _ Please.”

Ryeowook has absolutely no idea what Jongwoon is talking about. Scared of him ? Why would he be scared ? Jongwoon’s always made him feel so safe—there’s nothing he could think of that he would be afraid of. He wants to ask him what he means, but decides against it. Jongwoon isn’t in any state to answer any questions.

And, if anything, Jongwoon is the one who’s terrified right now.

“I’m not going,” Ryeowook promises him. “I’m not going anywhere, Jongwoon.”

Ryeowook doesn’t know if his words even reach him, because Jongwoon doesn’t reply. The boy thinks he must still be panicking internally, and this is the reason behind his pleading that makes no sense to him. He has no idea why he would even think he’d leave him in the first place, and he starts to wonder if it’s something he’s done or if it comes from something else he isn’t aware of.

Jongwoon has a lot more layers to him than he’d previously estimated, and it seems like the deeper you go, the more fragile they become.

Ryeowook’s heart shatters into pieces when he reckons the most plausible option to explain why the man has so many walls around him is because he’s been badly hurt in the past, probably more than he could’ve imagined.

Ryeowook is determined to crack the code eventually. Not to satisfy his own curiosity, but to truly understand Jongwoon and who he is, and to know how he can help him get better.

For now, though, if what Jongwoon needs is something as simple as a hug, then he’ll happily oblige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) might have heard me talk about Samsara, which is the title of one of my WIPs for after this story is done. Ryeowook's comic in this chapter is a big nudge at the first chapter of this fic eheh
> 
> Oh, and also, I SWEAR I'M NOT A SUNGMIN ANTI. TRUST ME I FEEL BAD FOR HOW I WRITE HIM IN THIS BUT I SWEAR HE GETS A REDEMPTION, JUST... NOT RIGHT NOW. VITAMINS PLS DON'T K-WORD ME I PROMISE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ㅠㅠ


	12. New Heights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch, it's me again with a monster chapter because I have no self control and decided to not only cram massive infodumps but also two smut scenes and a bunch of other stuff in between so, hum... good luck lmao
> 
> As always, big fat THANKS to [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for putting up with my ass writing this, and also very special thanks to [Elias](http://twitter.com/Kyuberrie) who somehow managed to provide me an entire website that recorded the weather in Taipei on June 17, 2019 bECAUSE YES, I CARE ABOUT DETAILS LIKE THESE and I owe him my life now
> 
> Also some of y'all reading this don't [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) yet still like all of my tweets and read my fic for some reason and I am very offended (not lol it's fine)

Ryeowook spends two weeks pondering over the panic attack he’s witnessed Jongwoon experience that night, and he still can’t come up with a conclusion that feels complete to him. He’s tried to question him once the man had calmed down, but it resulted in a whole bunch of nothing given how dismissive of it his boyfriend had been. The only thing he’s gotten from it was that he’s had a nightmare, but Jongwoon refused to tell what it was in detail, and he’s left him in the dark about a lot of things.

_ “I dreamed that you left me because I scared you away,” Jongwoon had explained then, still panting and trying to catch his breath. “I don’t know the reason behind it, but the last thing I want is for you to be scared of me.” _

_ Jongwoon’s words had reminded Ryeowook of one of the first things he’d told him when he introduced the idea of adding this dominant-submissive dynamic to their relationship. He’d asked him if he was scared of him after his revelations—Ryeowook remembered this very clearly. _

_ “Is it because of the things you want to do to me ?” Ryeowook had guessed. “Because you don’t have to worry about that. I meant it when I said—” _

_ “No, it’s not that,” Jongwoon rejoined, shaking his head from side to side. “It’s… more complicated than that. I just—” _

_ The man had paused for a moment then, his shaky breathing and trembling hands giving Ryeowook all the information he needed to understand that this subject was very sensitive to him. Wanting to comfort him and encourage him to continue, Ryeowook, still seated in his lap, wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held on to him firmly, an embrace Jongwoon was too distracted—by his anxiety, Ryeowook figured—to return past a loose arm around the small of his back. _

_ “I worry I’ve given you an idealized image of me and that you’ll realize one day that I’m not who you think I am,” Jongwoon admitted, taking Ryeowook by surprise. _

_ This was the first time Jongwoon had deliberately shared his insecurities with him; the confident mask he’d been wearing since the day they’d met had fallen, and although he hated knowing Jongwoon felt this way, Ryeowook couldn’t help the tinge of happiness that found its way into his heart that his boyfriend was finally opening up to him. _

_ “I’ve never pretended to be someone I’m not with you,” Jongwoon clarified. “But nobody’s perfect, and… I couldn’t forgive myself if I ended up fucking things up and scaring you away.” _

_ Ryeowook pulled back to look at him, and he cupped the man’s jaw in his hands, wanting the man to know how sincere he was. _

_ “I can’t think of anything you could do that would scare me,” Ryeowook assured him. He honestly had no idea how Jongwoon could think this way, too. He’s always been so careful with him—he couldn’t see him slipping up horribly enough to reach the point of no return. Not voluntarily, at the very least. He couldn’t see why Jongwoon would feel this level of anxiety over something that contradicted everything he’d said and done since the beginning. _

_ “I can think of a few,” Jongwoon mumbled. “But talking about it wouldn’t change anything.” _

Jongwoon had stopped talking there. Ryeowook had tried to make him understand that it was okay to talk about it, but the man shut himself off immediately and urged him to go back to sleep. He hadn’t sounded harsh or annoyed, but Ryeowook picked up on his discomfort, so he dropped the subject, _ again_.

Since then, he’s been trying to connect the dots, which proved to be much harder than anticipated given how little he knows about his boyfriend’s past. All he’s got is what Jongwoon’s told him and his friend’s reaction to seeing him act affectionate with him, which apparently came off as _ weird _ and _ off-putting_. Yet, Ryeowook believes Jongwoon when he says he’s never pretended to be anything but himself with him; the only conclusion he’s come up with for that is that Jongwoon used to act very differently with his past partners, but how badly could it have been if it left the man absolutely terrified of fucking up badly enough for him to leave ?

It’s started to drive him crazy—partially due to the fact that he feels guilty for what he essentially considers snooping around in Jongwoon’s private affairs when the man clearly doesn’t want him to, but mostly because since that night, his boyfriend had been acting so strangely around him, to the point where no matter what they do, there’s always this awkwardness floating around in the air around them, and that’s something Ryeowook can’t deal with very well.

He doesn’t want things to get awkward between them whenever Jongwoon opens up to him, but he’s also concerned about the fact that he’s still so closed off after all this time, and his heart feels heavy at the thought that it could only mean one of two things : either Jongwoon is so hurt that he can’t even fathom the idea of talking about it, or he doesn’t have faith that Ryeowook will accept and want him in his life regardless of what the issue is.

Both options don’t sit well with him. At all.

Ryeowook sighs deeply, staring into the glass door of Jongwoon’s home office, where his boyfriend’s locked himself up since morning to work on his book, from his spot in the kitchen. It’s late evening now, and Jongwoon hasn’t eaten anything all day—Ryeowook thinks he’s only seen him get out of his mancave twice for bathroom breaks. It’s worrying.

The pressure Jongwoon has weighing down on his shoulders obviously doesn't help with his anxiety, but if he keeps overworking himself like this as he’s done almost every single day in the past two weeks, it’s going to start impacting his physical health negatively, too.

They’re supposed to be leaving for Taiwan tomorrow, but he’s starting to doubt Jongwoon even remembers it. He hopes he’ll still allow himself to have a good time while they’re there—Ryeowook promises himself he’ll make sure of it, and he thinks he might as well start now, if not to at least get rid of the awkwardness standing between the two of them since that night.

Ryeowook’s already eaten a little over an hour or so ago, but he’s made sure to make enough so Jongwoon could have some leftovers if he ever got hungry. Unfortunately, the man still hasn’t given any signs of life since around three in the afternoon, and since they’ll be gone for fifteen days, he can’t let them go to waste—Ryeowook doesn’t want to intrude and bother Jongwoon when he’s working, but he hates the idea of Jongwoon burning himself out even more.

Jongwoon’s rearranged his office so his work desk can no longer be seen from the outside, so Ryeowook can’t gauge if it’s okay for him to come in uninvited or not. Hesitantly, he taps on the glass with his knuckle to let Jongwoon know he’s there, but he doesn’t wait for an answer before opening the door and walking into the room.

He finds Jongwoon in the middle of the room, slumped over his desk and with his face buried into the crook of his arm—Ryeowook assumes he fell asleep for a moment, until Jongwoon shifts his position just a bit so one of his eyes can peek out and look at him.

“I brought you some food,” Ryeowook almost stutters. “You haven’t eaten all day. I got worried.”

Jongwoon painfully straightens himself up in his chair with a grunt. He looks exhausted, face almost as pale as a ghost and bags forming under his eyes, but he still manages to find the energy to give Ryeowook a tired little smile as he lets himself fall back into his office chair.

For once, Ryeowook can’t feel the tangible discomfort he’s been aware of all this time, and he lets out an audible sigh of relief despite him before walking up to Jongwoon’s side, placing the bowl of _ samgyetang _ in front of him.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Jongwoon exhales, wrapping his arm around his waist to bring him closer and letting his forehead rest against his side. “Thank you.”

“You should rest,” Ryeowook advises. “You’re gonna burn yourself out if you keep this up.”

“I know,” Jongwoon concedes, letting go of the boy to slouch back in his chair and stare at his computer screen with empty eyes. “I know, baby. I just—”

Without thinking, Ryeowook leans in and takes Jongwoon in his arms, holding on to him as tightly as he can. He fucking hates seeing Jongwoon like this—beyond tired and on the verge of breaking, and knowing he’s got underlining issues piling up onto the immense stress of his work pressing onto his shoulders just makes this sentiment even worse. Part of him wants to be upset at Jongwoon for essentially avoiding him for two entire weeks and closing himself up so much, but he finds that he can’t. He doesn’t know what prevents his boyfriend from _ talking _ to him; whatever it is, though, Ryeowook is determined to bypass and help the man any way he can, even if he hasn’t figured out how to do that yet.

A sigh he wasn’t aware he’s been holding back all this time escapes from Jongwoon, and his tense muscles instantly relax in the boy’s hold. He realizes now how much he’s missed him despite living under the same roof—things just haven’t been the same since his last nightmare, and part of him regrets even telling Ryeowook what it was about. Truth is, as worried as he is of fucking up badly enough for his baby to leave him, Jongwoon truly is the one who’s scared shitless. Ryeowook’s never shown any signs of backing down; on the contrary, it seems to have drawn the boy even more to him, to Jongwoon’s absolute bewilderment.

Besides Heechul, no one’s ever genuinely _ wanted _ to be there for him. And yet, Jongwoon can’t find the resolve to fully allow himself to rely on Ryeowook for reasons he still doesn’t quite understand.

Finding the position he’s in awkward, with his upper body bent over the armrest of Jongwoon’s office chair as he’s hugging the man from the side, Ryeowook momentarily lets go of him to walk up to his front, and he seats himself onto Jongwoon’s left thigh without uttering a single word. Jongwoon reflexively holds on to him, the impulse to seek physical contact stronger than his will—fuck, he’s missed him so goddamn much.

“I can tell you’re going through a lot, even if you don’t like talking about it,” Ryeowook whispers, forehead resting against the side of Jongwoon’s neck. “But you know I’m here for you, right ?”

Jongwoon doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know _ how _; acknowledging what Ryeowook’s telling him feels too much like explicitly asking for help to him, and he just can’t bring himself to do that. Not when his issues have a direct connection to Ryeowook himself, and there’s no way he can bring up his concerns without making it sound like he’s not over his ex.

“When I see you take on this pain… and get all messed up… _ it hurts me_,” Ryeowook mumbles.

Jongwoon swears he can _ hear _ his heart give one last beat before it drops into his chest. He doesn’t want him to feel upset for him. That’s not the goal he wanted to achieve.

“I’m sorry if I sound pushy…” the boy then apologizes, tightening his hold on Jongwoon. “I just want daddy to be happy.”

Along with his heart, Jongwoon’s breathing fails him then. This boy is an absolute _ angel_, he’s got no doubt about it now—he’s an angel he clearly doesn’t deserve, but one he needs nonetheless, as hard as it is for him to admit it to himself.

Ryeowook hopes his deliberate choice of words properly conveys his message to Jongwoon; that, in his eyes, nothing’s changed between them, and Ryeowook doesn’t see him differently.

“There are some things I can’t talk about,” Jongwoon confesses, “but it’s not because I don’t trust you. I can’t even have those conversations with myself most of the time.” The man lets out a bitter little chuckle. “But I want you to know that despite all of that… you make me happy. Your presence alone is more than enough.”

This is as close to a confession Jongwoon’s ever made to one of his partners, and one that took him a tremendous amount of courage to do. When it comes to showing his gratitude and affection to other people, Jongwoon is a man of very few words—if there’s a rule he’s learned studying literature in college, it’s _ show, don’t tell_, and it’s something he’s always abided by. But he believes Ryeowook deserved to be told all of this. It’s the least he could do to reassure him, and to convince him that he’s already helping just by _ being there _ with him.

Ryeowook sits up so he can look Jongwoon in the eye. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me recently ?” he giggles, taking advantage of the sudden serene atmosphere surrounding them to take a jab at Jongwoon, something he hasn’t been able to do because of the awkwardness.

“I wasn’t avoiding you,” Jongwoon denies, flustered and stuttering a bit. He wasn’t expecting such an accusation from Ryeowook. “I had _ work _ to do, and _ you _ had finals to prepare and study for.”

“That’s such a boring answer,” Ryeowook pokes further, rolling his eyes dramatically. “You better not give me that same excuse starting tomorrow. Trips are made to be _ fun_. This is no fun.”

Jongwoon’s _ definitely _ missed bantering with Ryeowook like that, too.

“If you wanted daddy to play with you, you could’ve just _ asked_,” Jongwoon counters.

“I’m asking now,” the boy claps back with a quickness that takes Jongwoon by surprise, even if he’s used to this type of conversation with him by now. “Play with me.”

“Is that an order ?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook nods. “You neglected me for two weeks. I’m needy.”

“I believe I’ve already told you that you do _ not _ get to talk to me like that,” Jongwoon snaps, although he sounds far from angry. “Does daddy have to teach his naughty little boy how to be good again ?”

“Maybe,” Ryeowook teases. His plan to provoke Jongwoon is going perfectly.

“Such a shame,” Jongwoon jests in fake disappointment. “You were doing so well. I guess I’ll have to go harder on you this time around.”

Oh, fuck yes. Ryeowook’s initial goal was to force Jongwoon into taking a break, but shit, now it’s escalating to a level the boy is so excited for. He’s wanted this for so long—so much so that he’s willing to beg to be punished, as illogical as it would normally sound.

Jongwoon lifts Ryeowook’s chin up, baring his neck out to him, and his hand slowly slides its way down to stop right on the spot connecting Ryeowook’s jaw to his throat, teasing him. It’s been a while since they’ve played like this; their later activities had been on the softer, more tender side, and although Jongwoon’s found a new unexpected love for it, _ this _ is what he’s truly about.

“Hm… what could it be this time ?” Jongwoon wonders aloud. “Gags ? Toys ?” The sparkle he sees shining in Ryeowook’s eyes isn’t bright enough to convince him. “Choking ?” It’s better, but not _ quite _ what he’s looking for, so he continues. “Spanking ?”

_ There it is_. The small quiver in Ryeowook’s lower lip, the whimper he’s tried to suppress, his pupils blowing out and burning with lust—this is the reaction he wanted, but he’s got a much more _ cruel_, completely unfair idea in mind than to give Ryeowook what he’s longing for the way the boy wants it.

“So many options…” Jongwoon feigns, pretending he’s yet to have made a decision even if he’s got a very clear picture in mind. “What do you think, baby ? Which one sounds fair to you ?”

Jongwoon asked this question knowing full well Ryeowook can’t and won’t answer him; the boy is too eager and too rapidly slipping into subspace to think of what to say, but Ryeowook also knows that no matter how hard he begs for it, in this scenario, it’ll just result in the opposite happening for him.

“What is it, angel ? You can’t choose ?” Jongwoon smirks, speaking in this demeaning and mocking tone he’s gotten into the habit of using with him now. He’s noticed how addressing him in this manner turns Ryeowook even _ more _ submissive than he already is, and he’s very intent on using this to his advantage whenever he can. “Hm, that’s unfortunate. Daddy can’t decide either. How about we sleep on it and make a decision tomorrow when we get to the hotel, hm ?”

Ryeowook blinks. “What..?”

“It’s late and we have a flight to catch early,” Jongwoon explains. “And with how much of a distraction your misbehaviour has been, the food you worked so hard to make me is growing cold. It would be a crime to let it go to waste.”

“But—”

“There are no _ buts_, baby,” Jongwoon cuts, sounding firmer this time around. “Plus, it’s not a punishment if you want it, is it ?”

Ryeowook pouts, dejected—he was so close. He was _ so fucking close_, but Jongwoon had to win this round again, and if he were in any state other than subspace right now, he would’ve gotten angry. He wants to curse his instincts to submit, but he can’t even do that without feeling guilty about it; all he can do is sulk in silence, unable to protest since Jongwoon’s just forbidden him to.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Jongwoon coos. “Daddy will give you what you deserve. I’m just postponing it to a time better suited for us. And you did say you wanted me to have fun during our trip earlier, didn’t you ? I think I figured out how we can do that.”

Ryeowook doesn’t realize how hard he’s clutching his travel bag until Jongwoon’s hand lands on his nape and his thumb gently strokes his skin. The man isn’t looking at him, instead staring at something Ryeowook assumes to be the itinerary of their trip on his phone while they wait for their flight number to be called, but he’s felt just how nervous the boy’s been since they set foot in the airport before Ryeowook himself became aware of it.

Jongwoon’s soothing, light touch suffices to calm him down enough that he’s no longer nearly squeezing the contents of his bag out, but he still feels uneasy and fidgety, a feeling amplified by the buzzing ambient noise caused by the crowd of people conversing with one another and the voice coming through the speakers every few minutes. Ryeowook isn’t normally anxious in public spaces, but this time is different.

“Nervous ?” Jongwoon checks, applying some pressure onto the skin to massage the boy’s nape and upper back.

“Yeah, a little,” Ryeowook stammers—he’s grossly downplaying it, but he prefers to avoid making it worse by focusing too much on it.

“Have you ever taken the plane before ?”

“Yeah, once,” Ryeowook nods. Shivers run down his spine when Jongwoon’s hand moves up to stroke the hair at the back of his head. “Well, _ twice _ counting the return, but it looks like it doesn’t get easier the more you do it.”

“Where to ?” Jongwoon inquires, putting his phone back into his pocket to finally give the boy all of his attention.

“Beijing,” Ryeowook replies. “I signed up for a student exchange program for my last year of high school so I could learn Mandarin Chinese.”

“You speak Chinese ?” Jongwoon marvels. He didn’t know that.

“Barely,” Ryeowook chuckles. “I can manage. Kyuhyun is much better than me, though. We went there together with the same knowledge of the language and he came back sounding like a native.”

“Isn’t his strength math though ?” Jongwoon recalls—he hopes he remembers correctly, though, because Ryeowook’s told him about his friends and their majors a long time ago, back when they were just casually dating.

“Yeah, but Kyuhyun is that friend who’s just good at everything he does,” Ryeowook scoffs. “Which is unfair, because he’s a complete idiot.”

“Is that jealousy I hear ?” Jongwoon nudges.

“M’not jealous,” Ryeowook sulks. _ He’s clearly jealous. _

“It’s cute,” Jongwoon coos, and he gently pokes Ryeowook’s chubby little cheek with his knuckle. “I guess you’ll get to show me your skills when we get there. My best friend tried to teach me Chinese but I can’t speak a word of it besides _ ‘nǐ hǎo, wǒ shì jīn zhōngyún’_, and I’m not even sure I said that properly.”

“You didn’t,” Ryeowook confirms, trying his hardest to hold back his laughter. “That was _ so bad_.”

“Told you I couldn’t speak a word of it,” Jongwoon laughs. He knows his pronunciation is terrible. The amount of times he’s seen Geng cringe because of it speaks for itself.

“Isn’t language supposed to be your thing ?” Ryeowook teases.

“I majored in _ Korean_,” Jongwoon emphasizes. “And I have you beat. I speak fluent Japanese.”

“Are you getting defensive, Mr Kim ?”

“Your punishment is gonna get so much worse if you keep this up, baby,” Jongwoon warns him, low and quiet enough so only Ryeowook can hear.

Ryeowook nearly sinks into his seat. His reaction to Jongwoon’s dominance is automatic and instantaneous by now—it’s not something he can fight.

“Don’t think I forgot about it,” Jongwoon hints, and he gives Ryeowook’s thigh a tight little squeeze.

Ryeowook hopes no one notices how hard he’s _ still _ blushing by the time their flight is called, and he clings to Jongwoon as they make their way to the jet bridge, only letting go of him when they have to get through security.

Jongwoon carefully leads them to their seats—Ryeowook looks like a lost puppy behind him, looking around in confused awe at how different business class is from economic. There’s a lot more space between the seats, and they look much, much more comfortable to lie on. Ryeowook lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes this means he and Jongwoon will be able to have some kind of privacy to talk without the risk of anyone eavesdropping on them.

Jongwoon doesn’t let go of his hand even as they sit down, and he doesn’t comment on the fact that Ryeowook is holding it so tightly he can barely feel his fingers anymore. He understands the boy is nervous and scared.

“Everything is gonna be okay, baby,” Jongwoon speaks softly, bringing his other hand to completely cover Ryeowook’s. “I’m here with you, okay ? If you need me, just ask.”

“I’ll be okay,” Ryeowook assures him. “It’s just… take off makes me freak out.”

“Want me to try and distract you ?” Jongwoon proposes, even if he currently has no idea how he can do that.

Ryeowook nods. “Tell me about your book ? How’s it going ?”

Jongwoon almost comments on what Ryeowook’s told him yesterday, about how he refuses that he work on his story while they’re supposed to be on vacation, but stops himself at the last second because this isn’t the right time to banter with him.

“Well, I think ?” Jongwoon sighs heavily. “I’m about halfway through the story, which is where it gets a bit… depressing.”

“A bit ?” Ryeowook throws back at him, remembering exactly what Jongwoon’s told him before.

“Yeah, well,” Jongwoon concedes, “maybe it _ does _ get a little dark. And I’m struggling with it a bit, because this is supposed to be the most impactful event in the story, so I want it to be _ perfect_.”

“I’m still mad at you for killing Jihye,” Ryeowook grumbles. He’s starting to calm down now—ever since he’s helped Jongwoon write some bits, he’s grown attached to the story and its characters, and he’s come to care about them in a way. “I liked her, even if I think her choosing to go along with her family’s wishes and marry Seyoung was dumb.”

Jongwoon goes to reply to try and defend his case, but he’s interrupted by the sound of a bell ringing from the speakers above him, preceding the announcement and enumeration of the usual flight rules he knows by heart now, so he chooses not to really pay attention and get ahead of everyone as if he were on autopilot.

The man reaches over Ryeowook’s lap to grab the seat belt hanging from the side, and he carefully buckles it for him, acting as though he thought the boy were a precious and fragile porcelain doll that could break at any sudden move, under the younger man’s puzzled eyes.

Ryeowook suddenly realizes just how often Jongwoon does this type of thing for him. Buckling his seatbelt, washing his hair and body for him when they shower and bathe together, drying him off afterwards, sometimes even choosing his outfits for him in the morning and helping him get dressed—subtle little gestures of attention and care that he gives at seemingly random times without explanation or true purpose, at least not that Ryeowook can think of, even if the man knows he can do all of those by himself just fine. He figures it probably has to do with the type of relationship they have, even if it happens outside of sex and play, and he wonders if it’s a thing that can be done; to entertain this dynamic in everyday life, regardless of whether they’re having sex or not.

If it _ is _ possible, Ryeowook thinks he’d like to have something like that with Jongwoon. He’s sure the man would be thrilled to as well, if the way he treats him is anything to go by.

“Can I ask you a question ?” Ryeowook blurts out as Jongwoon clips his own seat belt on, bringing the man’s attention to him, who encourages him to ask away with a simple affirmative hum. “Is there a reason you always do this for me ? Like… what you just did here, or when you wash my hair or help me get dressed ? Does that have anything to do with the fact that you’re, hum…”

“A dom ?” Jongwoon finishes for him. “You’re allowed to say it, you know. It’s not a dirty word.” The man smiles at him, reaching over to caress Ryeowook’s cheek with the back of his hand. “And yeah, I guess you could say so. You just… make my caregiver side come out stronger than any other. You just make me want to spoil you rotten.”

“Caregiver ?” Ryeowook repeats, suddenly even more intrigued by the subject. He’s always willing to learn new things about it, and he thinks he should probably start doing research on his own to fill in the blanks he still has.

“It’s a…” Jongwoon marks a pause to think of a way he could properly describe it to make it easy for Ryeowook to understand. “_Type _ of dom, if I can say that. Dominants can sometimes take on a very specific type of role depending on the dynamic they want to have with their submissives.”

“What are they ?” Ryeowook inquires, unable to hide his obvious excitement to learn more about it, which warms Jongwoon’s heart—he fucking loves seeing how curious and ready to discover new things about his lifestyle, especially given the fact that there’s absolutely no apprehension or worry that come with it and hide in the shadows.

“It’s a lot of information to take in, but I can give you a few examples if you want ?” Ryeowook nods cheerily. Fuck. Why is his willingness to be taught such a turn on for him ? “The one people are the most familiar with is the _ master_,” Jongwoon begins, careful with his choice of words. “This is the type of dominance you’ll find in master-slave relationships. The main things associated with it are degradation, humiliation, heavy punishment, and it’s more about the submissive obeying and serving the dominant than the opposite, but since it’s an agreement between the two, it’s not like it’s a one-sided thing.”

It’s harder for Jongwoon to talk about this than he’d previously thought; he keeps thinking about how Ryeowook is new to this, and the last thing he wants to do is to scare and turn him off, because he understands why these things can sound shocking and intimidating to people with little knowledge about the way it works, and how they could think it’s something inherently abusive despite consent being the most important thing in all of this.

“You also have the _ owner_, which is a little similar to it except for the fact that it comes with pet play rather than a slave,” Jongwoon continues. This is something he’s never tried before, and quite frankly something he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t indulge in—at least, not _ completely_—so his knowledge of it relies solely on the experiences of other people he’s met at the dungeon he used to frequent back in the day. “Kinda speaks for itself. The submissive assumes the role of a human pet, often wearing things like fake ears or a tail, sometimes being kept on a leash. Anything a pet does, they can do as well.”

“Like being kept in a cage and eating out of a bowl ?” Ryeowook guesses. He doesn’t think it’s something he wants to try, but he’s still really curious about it—and if he’s learned anything from being with Jongwoon, it’s that as long as it’s done right, there’s no shame to have about the things you do in private with your partner.

“Yeah, some of them do that,” Jongwoon confirms.

“What about the caregiver ?” Ryeowook exclaims suddenly—this is the one he’s familiar with, so he can easily figure out what it entails based on his own experiences, but he wants to know what Jongwoon thinks of this.

“It’s very different from those two,” Jongwoon chuckles. “Because rather than the sub serving the dom, it’s the other way around. My job with you is to provide and give you what you need, although it’s always going to be on my terms. But I think you know that already.” Jongwoon smirks at him, amused with the way the boy blushes when he understands exactly what he’s referring to. “Reward and punishment is a big thing. You obey, you get a reward; you defy me, you get punished.”

“You say this is the side that comes out the strongest with me,” Ryeowook brings up then, sheepish and hesitant to talk. “Have you ever been something else before ?”

Ryeowook’s question has the effect of a dagger plunging deep into Jongwoon’s heart, even if the man knows that wasn’t his intention to cause this. Jongwoon himself wouldn’t have thought a simple question that required no details could affect him so much—it’s not like Ryeowook is asking him to talk about his exes as _ people_, after all. Still, it forces him to look back on them, something he knows by now he should avoid at all costs, with how messed up he gets each time.

He hopes Ryeowook doesn’t notice the turmoil taking place in his mind when he answers—staying silent and evading the subject would only make him suspicious, and it’s the last thing Jongwoon wants.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon admits. “If I have to be honest… before you, I had no idea I even had a caregiver side.”

Something seems to click inside Ryeowook’s mind then. “So _ that’s _ why your friend said it was weird to see you act like that with me,” he thinks out loud. “It makes so much more sense to me now.”

Jongwoon couldn’t describe the relief that washes through him then, because Ryeowook shows absolutely no signs of doubt, insecurity or discomfort at his confession—he doesn’t seem to question the fact that he’s the first person he’s acting like this with, _ at all_. If anything, the boy seems happy about it.

“Does that mean I’m a special case ?” Ryeowook cheers jokingly.

“You deserve bragging rights for making me soft,” Jongwoon laughs. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Me neither,” Ryeowook declares, leaning against Jongwoon’s side to rest his temple on his shoulder.

Jongwoon smiles at him fondly, even though he knows Ryeowook can’t see it, and he pulls up the armrest separating the two of them; with their earlier conversation, they hadn’t realized that the plane had took off, and Ryeowook is a lot more at ease now. The man then unbuckles his seatbelt, reaching over to do the same for the boy, who lets him do it without question this time, before he takes the younger into his arms.

“I’m so glad to hear you asking questions,” Jongwoon whispers. “It helps me think about what you’d possibly love for me to do. And if there’s anything you’d like to try… don’t hesitate to ask me, okay ?” Ryeowook nods. He knows that now. “Is there anything we did that you liked and would want to do again ?”

Ryeowook thinks about it for a second. He’s loved everything they’ve done so far, so it’s hard for him at first to just think of one, until he remembers how Jongwoon’s once told him he’d love to tie him up to the point that he can’t move, and _ that’s _ something he’d love above all else.

“I like being tied up,” Ryeowook confesses, hiding his face from Jongwoon’s view so he can’t see just how red he’s getting from that. He knows there’s no reason for him to be ashamed or embarrassed for being into that—voicing and admitting it out loud, however, is a very different thing. “It just makes me feel safe for some reason.”

Jongwoon lifts Ryeowook’s chin up, forcing him to look up at him. The mischievous smile on the man’s face doesn’t bode well for the younger, but he doesn’t regret saying what he said one bit.

“You love looking all pretty at daddy’s complete mercy, don’t you ?” Jongwoon speaks low, making sure no one around them can hear. “I can definitely make that happen for you if you promise to be good for me after your punishment tonight.”

“I promise,” Ryeowook immediately vows, nodding rapidly.

Jongwoon lightly taps his cheek with his middle and index fingers. “Good boy.”

Jongwoon almost regrets taking Japanese over English or Chinese in college when they land in Taipei, because as it turns out—_note the sarcasm_—not many people in Taiwan can speak Korean. Initially, he was counting on Geng to handle the check in at the hotel, but unfortunately, his friend isn’t there to save his ass from making a fool out of himself in front of the receptionist.

Ryeowook steps in to help, but his Chinese skills have gotten rusty over the years, so it truly was a miracle that they somehow managed to get their room card and number in the end, Jongwoon thinks. He was about to suggest Ryeowook to FaceTime Kyuhyun to come to the rescue.

Jongwoon suddenly realizes as they enter the room just how tired he is—the weeks of barely sleeping or eating and spending his days in front of a computer screen are starting to catch up on him, and the dreadful heat and humidity outside doesn’t help him feel more energized. They decided to come here in _ June _ to avoid deadly weather, but Taipei apparently decided to go through a heatwave now—and Jongwoon can’t stand hot and humid weather.

“I wish I’d picked Canada instead,” Jongwoon mumbles to himself, letting himself fall flat on his face onto the bed.

Ryeowook chuckles—he couldn’t hear what he’s just said, but he guesses from the groan he let out that he was complaining about something, and he was being dramatic about it. His boyfriend can be such a child sometimes.

“Did you have anything planned for today ?” Ryeowook asks as he starts unpacking some of his stuff—mainly his clothes that he puts in the first drawer of the dresser opposite the bed. He’s thankful that Jongwoon doesn’t turn around to watch him, though, because he’s got a package in his luggage he doesn’t want the man to notice just yet. It’s supposed to be a surprise for him.

“Besides avoiding death, no,” Jongwoon responds, turning around to lie flat on his back just as Ryeowook kicks his suitcase closed. “I can’t stand this heat.”

“But it’s so nice out,” Ryeowook protests, walking up to Jongwoon to stand between his legs, bent over the foot of the bed with his feet planted firmly on the ground.

“And _ humid_,” Jongwoon emphasizes as he closes his eyes. “I feel clammy just from the walk from the cab to the lobby, and that lasted less than a minute.”

“We can’t spend the entire time locked inside here,” Ryeowook argues, and although he can’t see him, Jongwoon can tell he’s pouting just from the way he speaks.

“We won’t,” Jongwoon assures him. “Just today.”

He hears Ryeowook whine as his weight is lifted off his leg, and Jongwoon opens one eye to watch the boy as he walks up to the window to take a peek outside.

“There’s a pool,” Ryeowook states absentmindedly, looking down at the hotel’s inner yard. He understands Jongwoon’s point, and he knows his boyfriend is tired from lack of sleep, but he can’t help feeling upset a little. This is his first official trip outside the country—going to China for school doesn’t count—so he’s gotten a little too excited to explore and visit new places.

“Wanna go ?” Jongwoon suggests—it sounds like a nice compromise to him. Ryeowook gets to go outside, and he doesn’t get to suffer.

Ryeowook hesitates as he keeps staring at the pool below intently, and Jongwoon frowns in confusion.

“Did you forget your swimsuit ?” he guesses.

Ryeowook shakes his head. “No, I brought it. It’s just… I don’t know how to swim.”

Ryeowook feels a bit ridiculous about it. He’s never learned how to—he’s never had anyone to teach him besides Kyuhyun and Sungmin, but it’s not like they had any interest in going swimming in the first place, so the occasion never arose.

Jongwoon sits up and turns to the side so he can face the boy’s back. Suddenly, the idea of going out for a swim sounds more appealing than it had initially; he’s almost thrilled at the prospect of teaching Ryeowook how to, for reasons he can’t really explain. He reckons that he just enjoys showing him and getting him to experience new things, no matter what it is.

“I’ll teach you,” Jongwoon asserts.

Ryeowook swiftly turns on his heels to face the man, almost astonished, and the bright smile that slowly forms onto his face warms up Jongwoon’s heart to the point of melting.

“Would you like that ?”

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods cheerfully. Fuck. _ Why does he always have to be this goddamn precious ? _

“Let’s get changed, th— _ hmph_,” Jongwoon gets cut off when Ryeowook leaps towards him and makes him fall flat on his back once again, engulfing him in a near bone-crushing embrace that takes him a few seconds to register.

“l—” Ryeowook almost blurts out to his absolute horror, and for once, he wants to thank his anxiety for getting the better of him and make him stop in panic before he finishes his sentence. He’s not ready to tell him that yet. “I’m so happy I have you.”

Jongwoon doesn’t give him any sign that he’s caught on to what Ryeowook’s almost just told him, and the boy wants to believe it’s because he _ actually _ hasn’t.

“If I knew you’d react this way, I’d have suggested it earlier,” Jongwoon chuckles as he gently rubs Ryeowook’s back. “You’re so cute when you get excited.”

_ He’s also cute when he gets nervous_, Jongwoon thinks when he sees the way Ryeowook hesitates to jump into the shallow end of the pool. The boy is sitting on the edge, legs submerged, while Jongwoon waits for him to gather the courage to let himself slip in, standing in the water about a metre or two away from him.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Jongwoon encourages him, beckoning him to jump in. “The water’s gonna barely reach your shoulders here.”

“I know, I’m just…” Ryeowook defends. “Trying to psych myself for what’s coming next.”

Jongwoon chuckles quietly and slowly approaches the boy until his chest is pressing against his legs, before reaching around to place his hands firmly on Ryeowook’s hips.

“Hold on to me,” Jongwoon prompts him, and Ryeowook hesitantly wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s neck. “I’ve got you. You trust me, right ?”

Ryeowook nods, and he lets Jongwoon slowly drag him into the water. He’s thankful nobody’s around—it’s mid-June, so it’s not high season yet, and not many people tend to travel on Mondays so the hotel is fairly empty for the most part—to see him, because he’s _ embarrassed_. He’s glad Jongwoon doesn’t judge him.

“See ? It wasn’t so bad,” Jongwoon comforts him once his feet land on the bottom safely. “We’ll stay on this side for now. I’ll always stay close to catch you, but if it’s getting too hard, you can always stand up again. There’s no danger.”

Jongwoon claiming he’ll _ stay close _ turns out to be an understatement. He practically stays attached to the boy the entire time, arm hovering—and sometimes carrying—right below his body as Ryeowook tries to stay afloat, but it’s something the younger man is _ very _thankful for. Despite his extreme caution, though, Jongwoon proves to be a pretty good teacher; the man’s unparalleled patience, at least when it comes to Ryeowook, and calming voice help to put the boy at ease. There’s no rush and no pressure for him to get things right, and he thinks that in spite of his initial worry, Ryeowook’s had more fun than anything else in the end.

Ryeowook is about to reach the edge of the pool when Jongwoon catches him in his arms and pulls him toward him, taking the boy by surprise and almost making him scream. Jongwoon starts laughing as he holds him tightly against his front, and Ryeowook hangs on to him for dear life while he tries to calm his erratic heartbeat.

“You scared me !” Ryeowook scolds him, lightly hitting Jongwoon on the chest.

“Sorry ?” Jongwoon laughs.

“You’re so mean,” the boy whines. “I thought I was gonna get pulled underwater for a second.”

“I would never,” Jongwoon smirks before leaning forward to quickly peck Ryeowook’s cheek. “Although I can’t promise I won’t throw you into the pool once you can swim on your own.”

“Jongwoon !”

“Hm, you’re right,” Jongwoon chuckles, pressing his lips against Ryeowook’s pulse on the side of his neck. “If I have to throw you somewhere, I’d rather do it on a bed.”

Ryeowook shivers slightly when Jongwoon nibbles on his skin, and his hold on the man tightens unbeknownst to him.

“We’re in public,” Ryeowook tries to remind him, but Jongwoon doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all.

“Let’s go back to our room, then,” Jongwoon purrs into his ear.

Although he’s mostly looking forward to it, Ryeowook is a bit apprehensive about going back to their room—Jongwoon’s done a great job reminding him of the punishment he’s promised, and he truly wonders what the man’s got in mind for that one. Normally, Jongwoon gives him some kind of hint, but this time, there’s nothing; there’s nothing besides his boyfriend telling him he’ll have to go harder on him than the last time he’s talked back to him, and it had already been pretty intense to begin with.

The thrill he’s getting from the unknown, though, far surpasses his apprehension, so he’s able to stay calm—well, on the outside, at least—on their way back and through the elevator ride. It’s a different story once they’re in the privacy of their hotel room, however, but the smell of chlorine stuck to his body is strong enough to distract him from his thoughts. He can’t think of fucking when he smells like this.

“You can go into the shower first,” Jongwoon tells him. He phrased it like a suggestion, but his tone lets Ryeowook know it’s an order, and the boy is a bit confused. _ First ? _

“You’re not coming ?” Ryeowook questions. It’s an extremely rare occurrence that they don’t shower together.

“I’ll go after you,” Jongwoon insists. He’s speaking in an almost tender way, but the feel of it is betrayed by his scorching gaze boring into Ryeowook’s soul. “I’ll call room service and order something for us in the meantime.”

It’s not exactly a lie, but Jongwoon isn’t telling him the whole truth either. Ryeowook doesn’t seem suspicious of it, though, and he obeys him without another word, although the man can see the little pout on his lips when he disappears into the bathroom. Jongwoon waits until he hears the shower running before he gets to work, first ordering food for them as he intends on them eating first, since he predicts they won’t be able to once he’s done with his baby’s lesson. Just the thought of it makes him smile.

It’s not in his habits to wait until the next day before delivering punishment, but he’s glad he’s done it in the end, because it gave him much more time to prepare than usual; he wouldn’t have necessarily thought of bringing toys with him on this trip if he hadn’t. He’s surprised Ryeowook hasn’t caught him sneaking them into his luggage at the last minute.

Jongwoon grabs his suitcase to throw it onto the bed, giving him easier access to the front compartment where he hid the things he needed; a cockring, a vibrating plug, leather cuffs, and one of his personal favourites—a ribbed glove, all of which he’s fully aiming to use on Ryeowook tonight. He’s been too soft on him lately, with everything that happened. It’s time to step it up a notch, he thinks, especially since the boy’s given him the green light to do so some time ago.

Jongwoon ponders for a few seconds over whether he should leave them out in full view on the bed to force Ryeowook to imagine all sorts of scenarios while he’s showering, or if he should hide them at least a little for the surprise effect later on. He ultimately settles on the latter option, wanting his baby to experience it blind, but doesn’t spend much time trying to find a good hiding spot—he doesn’t expect Ryeowook to snoop around and open all the drawers of the dresser save for the one he’s used to keep his clothes in, anyway.

The only one he keeps on hand is the plug.

Ryeowook comes out of the shower a few minutes later, and he finds Jongwoon sitting in the lounge chair at the small table near the windows. The man is looking straight at him, as though he’d been expecting him, and the first thing Ryeowook notices is the small, blue rectangular object he’s twirling around in his hand—he can’t quite tell what it is from where he’s standing, but he has a pretty good idea of what it could be.

Jongwoon stands up and beckons him closer, to which the boy obliges without being aware of it, as if the man were pulling him towards him with an invisible chain he couldn’t resist and fight against. Then, Jongwoon smiles at him—but a genuine smile, not one underlined with lust and mischief like Ryeowook was expecting.

“You’re such a good boy, you know that, right ?” Jongwoon coos, brushing back the wet strands of hair falling on top of Ryeowook’s forehead. “And you make me so proud, baby.”

“Even when you have to punish me ?” Ryeowook checks.

“Even when I have to punish you,” Jongwoon repeats, wanting to make sure Ryeowook understands that he means it. “I’m going to take a shower now,” he continues, “and I want you to reflect on what you’ve done and why we’re having this lesson tonight. But I also want you to remember that you’ll always be daddy’s perfect little boy despite everything, okay ? Can you do that for me ?”

“I can,” Ryeowook confirms.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon praises. “I won’t take very long, but in the meantime, daddy’s gonna need you to do something for him.”

Jongwoon starts massaging the back of Ryeowook’s head, and he smiles to himself when he feels his muscles nearly turn into mush.

“We’re going to eat first because we have a long night ahead of us, so you can get dressed if you want,” Jongwoon explains. “That’s up to you. But I’ll still have you wear something.”

Ryeowook watches, confounded, as Jongwoon walks up to the bed and slides his hand under the pillows, and it takes him a moment to register the objects his boyfriend pulls out of there—a bottle of lube, and something that makes him tremble in trepidation. _ A plug_.

“I want you to have it on when I come back,” Jongwoon demands as he hands the objects over to him. “I know how much you love having your pretty little hole stretched out and ready for me, so consider this a gift from me.”

Jongwoon leans over to kiss the top of Ryeowook’s ear as he carefully places the toy and the bottle into the palm of his hand.

“I’m looking forward to seeing just how pretty you’ll look, getting all worked up without me even touching you,” Jongwoon whispers before he steps back.

Ryeowook’s already getting worked up just from the idea of it and the lust in Jongwoon’s voice—he’s so on board with this. He wants to look pretty for his daddy more than anything else.

Ryeowook looks on as Jongwoon disappears into the bathroom in his turn, and he has to mentally slap himself back to reality before he can start moving and thinking again. He can do this. Jongwoon’s orders are simple enough, and Ryeowook wants to please him. He wants to be good and be praised for it—he’s ready to take on anything Jongwoon’s got in mind for him tonight, even if the prospect of having a plug inside of him while they eat sounds like absolute torture to him.

Ryeowook plays back Jongwoon’s orders into his mind, wanting to make sure he’s not forgetting anything. His boyfriend told him getting dressed was up to him, and although he knows it’s just going to be a hindrance later, a sudden idea pops into his mind then that he thinks Jongwoon would absolutely love.

He’s meant to keep it for another time, but upon reflection, Ryeowook decides that this is the perfect setting to use it. Setting the toys he’s holding aside, letting them rest on the bed, he makes his way to his suitcase to retrieve the small package he’s kept tucked in a corner. His heart rate picks up rapidly—he’s been waiting for this for what feels like an eternity to him.

The fact that Jongwoon’s kept himself locked up inside of his office for the past two weeks had one perk : he had no idea the lingerie sets he’s bought for him had been delivered earlier this week—it even allowed Ryeowook to wash them without the man noticing at all.

Careful not to damage the delicate fabric of the garments, Ryeowook pulls them out of the plastic wrapping he’s kept them in to prevent rips, sparing a few seconds to admire them. He still can’t quite wrap his head around the fact that he’s doing this for real, and fuck, he’s so excited about it. He can’t wait to see Jongwoon’s reaction when he’s done.

Ryeowook sits down at the foot of the bed, and he grabs one of the baby blue stockings to gingerly roll it up his leg. It feels surprisingly comfortable, and they’re so pretty that he can’t stop staring in absolute awe once he’s done with the second one. He really hopes Jongwoon likes it as much as he does.

Standing up, Ryeowook picks up the bottle of lube he’s discarded earlier to squirt a fair amount onto his fingers. It feels awkward doing this to himself, given the only other time it happened, it was under Jongwoon’s supervision, but he doesn’t let it bother him—he’s promised Jongwoon he’d be good and do as he’s told.

He bends over the side of the bed and bites back a quiet little moan when his middle finger pushes past the rim. It’s a lot more sensitive than he would’ve thought—the two weeks of _ nothing _ he’s gone through seem to have taken a bigger toll on his body than he would’ve imagined. Ryeowook’s not a sex addict, despite how fucked his libido’s gotten because of his boyfriend, but _ two weeks _ is a long time by his and Jongwoon’s standards, and he’s no longer used to this.

His little hole is clenching down on him so hard that he struggles a bit when he slides in his ring finger, and the arm he’s propped himself on nearly gives out from under him. It’s taking him longer to prep himself than he thought, and he hopes Jongwoon doesn’t walk in on him like this—he needs to pick up the pace, no matter how sensitive he is. He can take it.

Planting his elbow into the mattress, Ryeowook reaches out for the plug in front of him, grabbing it at the base, and he slides his fingers out of himself, deciding he’s stretched out enough. Using the lube left on his fingers—he realizes he’s used a lot more than necessary, but then again, there’s no such thing as too much lube—he coats the toy with the liquid, making sure it’s nice and wet before he reaches behind him once again and slowly pushes it in. He can’t stifle his moans this time.

It takes him a moment to adjust, which he spends trying to manage his breathing for the most part. Taking a long and deep breath, Ryeowook tries to stand back up, only to realize just how terrible of an idea it is when it moves the plug around to press right against his prostate, and he falls back onto the bed.

“Alright, alright,” Ryeowook pants, talking to himself. “No standing up. Bad idea.”

Sighing, he flips himself onto his back, and wonders if _ sitting _ would work out better for him instead. Careful not to let his ass lie flat on the mattress, Ryeowook sits up, keeping his knees bent against his chest. He’s so glad Jongwoon isn’t there to see him, because even with the situation he’s in, he feels extremely unsexy when he slips the pair of matching panties on. Jongwoon’s reaction better be worth it.

The plug moves around a little, drawing out a few whimpers from him he has no idea Jongwoon can hear—he hasn’t realized the shower stopped working yet, too distracted by everything else, and he barely has time to slide himself to the middle of the bed before the toy starts _ vibrating _ inside of him. Ryeowook gasps audibly and falls onto his back, completely taken by surprise, and he tries his best to bite back his moans. Unfortunately for him, his efforts yield little to no result, because the vibration just keeps growing in intensity at random intervals—every time Jongwoon feels like he’s getting a little too quiet for his liking, but Ryeowook doesn’t know that.

Jongwoon takes his time drying off, smirking to himself imagining how Ryeowook looks like now, getting progressively more worked up and needy for him the more he plays with him. But he remembers he’s called for room service earlier and that they’re most likely going to appear any time now, and he can’t leave Ryeowook to answer them like this, so he eventually resigns himself to stop the torture a few minutes later, as much as he enjoys it.

He forgets all about room service the moment he opens the door and lays his eyes on Ryeowook.

The boy is lying on the bed, one hand grabbing at the pillowcase to the point of almost ripping it apart and the other cupping his little cock over his panties—the ones Jongwoon remembers buying for him, and ones he definitely _ did not _ anticipate seeing on his baby _ now_. Jongwoon stays frozen in place for a few seconds, blinking and mouth slightly agape, not quite able to believe what he’s witnessing and almost completely disregarding the fact that Ryeowook isn’t respecting one of the rules he’s set for him.

_ Almost. _

“I’m torn,” Jongwoon states as he slowly walks up to the foot of the bed, not once looking away from the boy, and he lets the little blue remote fall between Ryeowook’s open legs.

Ryeowook opens his eyes, only now becoming aware of Jongwoon’s presence in the room. He doesn’t know what the man means by _ torn_, but he hopes it doesn’t mean he’s rethinking whether his punishment is going to happen or not. He truly wants to believe the way he’s staring at him, almost as if he were in a trance, foreshadows the opposite.

“I want to commend you for this wonderful gift you’ve just made me,” Jongwoon breathes as he slowly trails his hands up each one of Ryeowook’s legs, feeling the soft fabric of his sheer, light blue stockings up to his knees before running them back down his calf. “Because you look so breathtakingly beautiful, baby.”

Jongwoon leans forward to leave a tender kiss on the inner side of Ryeowook’s left knee, using the opportunity to gently hook his arms under his thighs, and he starts to softly rub his nose and cheek against the bend. _ Breathtakingly beautiful _ isn’t even strong enough to describe Ryeowook. Jongwoon would have to invent a new word for it.

Then, suddenly, Jongwoon stops all movement, and Ryeowook’s heart stops beating the second the man opens his eyes again—he’s looking at him like a hungry predator who’s finally caught his prey, and Ryeowook thinks he should be scared rather than incredibly aroused by it.

“On the flip side, though,” Jongwoon continues, the soft tone he’d been using before completely gone from his voice. “You deliberately went against my rules and touched yourself without my permission, and I can’t let that pass.”

_ Oh, shit. Shit. _ Ryeowook hasn’t realized up until now that he’s had his hand holding his cock down this entire time—he’d done it completely by reflex, wanting to prevent himself from cumming without Jongwoon’s approval, entirely forgetting that this same rule also included not being allowed to touch himself.

“Daddy, I’m sor—”

“_No_,” Jongwoon booms, effectively cutting Ryeowook off and sending chills down his spine. “How many times have I told you ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it ? Do I have to teach you that again, on top of the lesson we were already supposed to have today ?”

_ This_. This is what Ryeowook’s been waiting to happen for so long now. Jongwoon is _ finally _ snapping at him, but there’s a part of him that understands why it’s taken this much time before he’d reach this point—because the man sounds legitimately angry and disappointed right now, and before today, Ryeowook _ knows _ he wouldn’t have been able to tell this was all part of play, and he definitely would’ve freaked out thinking he’s actually _ genuinely _ upset his boyfriend.

Not knowing what to reply to this besides apologizing again, which he knows Jongwoon won’t accept, Ryeowook retrieves his hand from his crotch in silence.

“Turn around,” Jongwoon demands. “On your hands and knees. _ Now_.”

Ryeowook chokes on a moan as he painfully obeys his orders, the plug still buzzing inside of him making it hard for him to do anything aside from writhing in place and begging Jongwoon to _ please _ touch him, but his arms give out from under him when the man pulls him toward him sharply until his feet dangle over the edge of the bed, forcing him to remain on his forearms instead.

“I was gonna go relatively easy on you,” Jongwoon admits, _ relatively _ being the big word here. “But you don’t deserve my clemency anymore. You understand that, right, baby ?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook stutters weakly, nodding rapidly. “I deserve punishment because I’ve been bad.”

“Be more specific,” Jongwoon urges on, reaching down between Ryeowook’s legs for the remote to increase the vibrations at max level. “Why are we having this lesson today ?”

It takes Ryeowook a moment to collect his thoughts, which becomes a much harder task when Jongwoon starts toying with the base of the plug over his panties and moving it around in circles.

“Because I talked back to you yesterday,” Ryeowook blubbers. “I gave you orders even if it’s not my place to do that.”

“_And ?_” Jongwoon insists, applying more pressure against the plug to push it as far as it can go.

“I— I touched myself without your permission,” Ryeowook adds, sounding like he’s on the verge of tears.

“Very good,” Jongwoon praises him, finally putting an end to Ryeowook’s torture by lowering the vibration level to something more bearable.

There’s a knock on the door then, interrupting Jongwoon as he was about to add to his praise. The man rolls his eyes and lets out a frustrated sigh—fuck, he’s forgotten about the food. He doesn’t feel like eating first anymore. Not when Ryeowook looks like _ this_.

“Terrible timing,” Jongwoon grunts to himself. “Stay right there,” he then commands, bending over Ryeowook’s back to speak right into his ear. “You make a single sound while I’m busy and I’ll keep you gagged for the rest of the night, have I made myself clear ?”

Ryeowook nods, humming his response, and Jongwoon reluctantly pulls himself off of him to go answer the door. He tightens his towel around his waist, wanting to avoid awkward slip ups as much as possible, before taking a final look over his shoulder to make sure the bed wasn’t visible from the door.

“Yes ?” Jongwoon inquires, cracking it open slightly to hide behind it, pretending to be embarrassed about his state of near nudity.

“Room service,” the kid—couldn’t be any older than Ryeowook, Jongwoon thinks—states. “I’ve got the food you asked for, sir.”

“Oh, great. I apologize for… this,” Jongwoon points as his bare upper body poking out. “I thought I’d have time to take a shower before it got here. Thank you.”

“No problem, sir,” the kid bows, handing the lunchboxes Jongwoon ordered to the man, who quickly grabs them from him.

Jongwoon nods the guy goodbye before shutting the door, wanting to go back to what he’d been doing before they were so rudely interrupted. He’s not even hungry anymore.

“I really was planning on us eating first,” Jongwoon speaks, placing the boxes on top of the dresser, giving him direct access to the drawer he’s hidden his other toys in. “But your little stunt’s gotten me hungry for something else.”

As Jongwoon pulls the toys out one by one, Ryeowook reflects on just how _ different _ this Jongwoon feels from what he’s known up until then. The Jongwoon he’s familiar with always spoke with softness and care, no matter if he was scolding him or not. This Jongwoon is the complete opposite of that. He’s calm, calculated, sharp and firm—he almost sounds professional, like doing this is his _ job_, and for some reason, it makes everything more exciting for Ryeowook. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to take pity on him.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Jongwoon continues, although there’s no sincerity in his voice at all.

“What are you going to do to me..?” Ryeowook then asks, unable to suppress his excitement completely, although it mostly gets buried under the quiver of his voice from trying to hold back his moans.

“What you’ve been wanting me to do for a while now,” Jongwoon simply answers, stepping towards the bed with his toys in hand to carefully lay them on the mattress on Ryeowook’s left side. “I’m going to give that cute little ass of yours the treatment it deserves.”

He means that in every possible way, but he doesn’t think it’s necessary to clarify that with Ryeowook. He’s going to know soon enough, anyway.

“It’s such a shame I have to take these off,” Jongwoon sighs, toying with the hem of Ryeowook’s sheer panties. “You look so pretty in them, you’ve got no idea…” Jongwoon leans down to press a kiss on Ryeowook’s right ass cheek over the fabric. He can feel the slightly buzzing of the plug inside of him, as well as the way the boy’s muscles tense up and the shivers that run down his spine at the contact.

Crouching down, Jongwoon tugs at the hem and slowly starts pulling them down—as much as he feels like just ripping them off of Ryeowook, the man wants to see him wear them again. If it were just for him, he’d make the boy wear nothing but panties, stockings, and one of his shirts to walk around his house when they’re alone; it drives him fucking insane, and this time, he’s letting his dominant side take over completely. He thinks Ryeowook is ready to see this part of him now.

Ryeowook shuts his eyes tightly, trying his best to focus on _ not cumming _ right then and there; the toy buried inside of him is starting to work its wonders and making his arms shake under his weight as they gradually lose their strength, and he doesn’t think he can take this much longer. He’s stayed silent up until now, not counting the whines, whimpers and moans he can’t suppress, too unsure if _ begging _ would be the right course of action here, but it’s getting so much that he’s growing desperate.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook feebly calls out, earning him a simple hum in question from the man behind him. “I’m gonna cum.”

“Already ?” Jongwoon marvels, although the tone of his voice suggests that it’s actually no surprise to him. “You’re not even hard yet, baby,” he adds, sneaking his hand between Ryeowook’s thighs to lightly cup his balls and gently fondle them.

Ryeowook whines loudly. His right arm gives out under him, forcing him to completely let his upper body fall flat onto the bed, and he can feel Jongwoon standing up behind him again.

“Put your hands behind your back,” Jongwoon orders, grabbing the set of black leather cuffs while he waits for Ryeowook to obey. “I’m not letting you cum right now,” the man continues as he carefully slips them on the younger man’s wrists, “and I’ll make sure you won’t try to touch yourself again and make it happen anyway.”

Ryeowook feels like he’s about to cry just then. He wants to cum so fucking bad and Jongwoon’s not helping him by tying him up like this—he’s so incredibly weak against this feeling of helplessness it gives him he doesn’t even know how he manages to gather enough strength to hold on just a_ little _ longer.

Ryeowook just wants to be good for Jongwoon. He wants to prove him he _ can _ and always will be, despite the fact that he’s riled him up on purpose. He hopes Jongwoon can feel that, at least.

“Do you know what this is, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon questions, and Ryeowook opens his eyes to look at what the man is dangling in front of him. It’s small, black, probably made out of rubber or silicon—he can’t tell—with three little circles attached to each other save for one side to form the shape of a triangle.

He has no idea what the hell this is.

“No,” Ryeowook replies, shaking his head from side to side as much as he can in the position he’s in right now.

“This is something that could help you be a good boy and hold on until I tell you to cum,” Jongwoon explains. “Want me to use it on you ?”

Ryeowook ponders over it for a few seconds, wondering if it’s best to try and do it by himself to show Jongwoon he really means it when he says he wants to be good, but he doesn’t know if he’ll manage to do that.

“Please,” Ryeowook nods, deciding it’s best to put all the chances on his side for now.

Jongwoon smirks to himself and crouches down again, slipping the device on with relative ease despite the fact that it’s a tight fit—there’s just enough room for Ryeowook to fill when he gets hard, and the boy understands now what Jongwoon meant by _ help_. The rings are completely blocking his balls from his cock, with one attached at the base of his cock, the other around the thin line connecting it to his balls, and the other wrapped around the other side of his shaft—there’s no way he’ll be able to cum with this on, at least not as easily as he could normally.

He can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not.

“Color ?” Jongwoon calls, pressing his thumb against the base of the plug as he turns it off. He’s about to move on to the actual punishment he’s been building up to all this time, and he wants to make sure that Ryeowook is okay with that.

“Green,” Ryeowook answers with absolute certainty.

“How many do you think is fair ?” Jongwoon wonders, gently kneading the skin of Ryeowook’s left cheek with one hand, keeping the other pushing on the plug lightly. “Five ?” Jongwoon is starting low, because he’s aware that, as tame as it can look at first, spanking can get intense really quickly, but Ryeowook doesn’t answer. “Ten ?” Complete silence. “... Fifteen ? You think you can handle that on the first try ?” This is the highest Jongwoon will allow himself to go, at least for this time.

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods. “I think— I _ know _ I can.”

“We’ll see about that,” Jongwoon hums. “If it ever gets too much, you know you can call your safeword, right ?”

“Y-yeah. But I trust you.”

Jongwoon smiles. “Good boy.”

There’s no other warning that comes to prepare Ryeowook for the sharp pain that hits him when Jongwoon’s hand collides with his left cheek, and his breath gets trapped in his throat for a second. Jongwoon has spanked him before, as well as a few other previous partners before, but never like this—it’s always been a heat of the moment thing—and never this hard, and he would’ve never imagined the extent of just how fucking amazing it could actually feel to do this in a more… _ formal _ setting up until now.

Ryeowook doesn’t have time to fully recover from the first hit when the second one comes. His fists curl into a ball as he struggles against the restraints as a reflex and he bites down on his lower lip to stifle a long, drawn out moan—_fuck_, it’s so good. He can feel his cock swell, the cockring he’s wearing becoming tighter and tighter until it almost suffocates him, and it starts to twitch as it tries to leak precum, to no avail.

There’s a third one. Then a fourth. Jongwoon doesn’t utter a single word the entire time, leaving only the sounds of the loud slaps of the man’s hand hitting Ryeowook’s skin and the boy’s choked moans to fill the room. The air around them grows heavier and heavier with pure, untamed sexual tension, and Ryeowook thinks he would’ve cum by now if it weren’t for the device he’s wearing. But as painful as the constraint is starting to get, he’s thankful he’s agreed to this, because he can’t see how he would’ve been able to hang on up to this point.

_ Another one. _ Jongwoon is always hitting the same spot with terrifying accuracy, leaving the skin burning, stinging, extremely sensitive, and somewhere on the line between painful and pleasurable.

“How many was that ?” Ryeowook hears Jongwoon groan from behind him.

“F-five..?”

“Good. You’ve been paying attention,” Jongwoon praises him, softly caressing the bruised skin to soothe the main just a little. “I want you to start counting them out loud from now on. You forget, or you get one wrong, and we’re starting over from zero. Do you understand ?”

“Y-yes,” Ryeowook stammers.

“Good boy.”

Six. Ryeowook’s voice is shaky and hesitant, but he doesn’t miss it.

Seven. This one stings more than the others, and his skin is left burning long after impact. It’s starting to truly hurt, but fuck, he doesn’t want it to stop. Not yet.

Jongwoon notices the way Ryeowook is frowning, and he decides that the plug he’s kept in is no longer an adequate distraction from the pain he’s about to experience. To the boy’s absolute confusion, the older man slowly takes the toy out of him, leaving him whining at the sudden emptiness and clenching around nothing. It fully hits Ryeowook just how much he hates that feeling, now.

“I know, baby,” Jongwoon comforts him, softly shushing him. “I know your little ass wants to stay full at all times, but it’ll only last for a moment, okay ? I want to try something with you.”

Although Ryeowook is very well aware of this fact, it hits differently when it gets thrown at his face by someone else—it almost feels _ degrading_, especially since in this case he’s being reminded of how needy he is. And for some reason, he fucking loves that.

Ryeowook tries to look over his shoulder to see what Jongwoon is doing, and he’s confused when he sees that the man is putting on a glove, especially given how peculiar the thing looks. It looks like it’s made with the same material as the ring he’s wearing, and it’s textured; he can see the abstract patterns carved into it, each finger different from the other, leaving him to wonder what the hell it could be used for.

Jongwoon grabs the bottle of lube Ryeowook’s discarded on the bed earlier and he makes sure to coat the glove thoroughly, and the boy finally connects the dots. He’s never experienced something like this before, but fuck, he’s excited—as long as he feels full again, he doesn’t care much about anything.

Jongwoon _ truly _ has completely fucked his libido.

Since he’s already been stretched nicely, Jongwoon has little trouble sliding in the first two fingers, and the sensation the patterns on the glove procure him aren’t something Ryeowook thinks he can describe. His mind goes blank for a second, during which he thinks he might as well have passed out from the overwhelming bliss he’s experiencing, before he’s brought back to reality by Jongwoon’s other hand slamming against his ass.

“_Hng..!_” Ryeowook whines as he tries to call out the number. He isn’t sure which one they’re at now. “_Ei-eight. _”

“Good,” Jongwoon confirms simply.

Nine. Ryeowook’s mind is getting foggy; his consciousness threatens to abandon him, his words are slurred, his skin feels like it’s on fire and the coil in his stomach is building up rapidly. Holy shit.

Ten. Ryeowook can barely manage to make up the word this time. He’s not even sure Jongwoon’s heard him for a second, until the man starts rubbing at the irritated skin to soothe the pain, and he hums quietly.

Ryeowook’s little ass is so red and so beautiful Jongwoon thinks he might as well be dreaming right now. Fuck. He’s so perfect.

“You’re taking your punishment like a champion, baby,” Jongwoon cheers, unable to look away from the imprint of his hand stamped onto Ryeowook’s ass. “Color ?”

Ryeowook thinks about it for a moment. The hand caressing him and Jongwoon’s addition of a third finger inside of him prove to be huge distractions. He can’t tell if it hurts or feels good anymore—the lines are too blurred at this point, as is his train of thought, and he’s not sure he’s sane enough to make a decision. But Jongwoon expects an answer. “Green.”

Ryeowook wonders if Jongwoon believes him for a second, because the man does nothing following his answer. He’s about to twist his head around to look at the man when the eleventh one hits, taking him completely by surprise, and the boy inhales sharply. _ Fuck_. That one hurt.

“E-eleven,” Ryeowook manages through shaky breaths. He’s starting to feel really lightheaded.

Twelve. He has to close his eyes when the room starts spinning around him.

Thirteen. Ryeowook thinks he might be crying. He doesn’t know.

Fourteen.

“Fifteen,” Ryeowook chokes, all strength abandoning his body completely. He’s so spent, barely able to keep his eyes open, and he feels so high he wonders for a moment if this is reality or a very intense dream.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon breathes, leaning over Ryeowook’s body to leave a kiss on his nape while he continues to gently massage the boy’s prostate. “You’ve done so well, baby. Daddy is so incredibly proud of you, angel.”

Ryeowook feels like a tremendous weight he wasn’t aware he’d been carrying all this time is being lifted off his chest, and he smiles weakly at Jongwoon’s words. He’s done well. Good.

“You deserve a reward for taking all of that without protests,” Jongwoon continues, using his other hand to uncuff the boy’s wrists before discarding them somewhere in the room without much care. He’ll clean up later. Or tomorrow. “Do you wanna cum, baby ?”

“_Please_,” Ryeowook whines, pushing his ass farther onto Jongwoon’s fingers. Fuck. He’s so desperate.

“Alright, angel, be patient,” Jongwoon chuckles, and he unties the towel he’s still got wrapped around him to lay it under Ryeowook. They’re not at home, and he doesn’t want someone else to have to deal with the mess, at least not on the bed.

Carefully, Jongwoon hooks his hand around to grab the toy, gently sliding it off ring by ring with a bit of struggle because of how painfully hard Ryeowook is, and it takes the boy only a few seconds after being freed to cum all over the towel, _ hard_. His orgasm has him shaking so much Jongwoon has to hold him—first with one arm wrapped around his stomach while he quickly gets rid of his glove by pulling at the hem with his teeth, then with the two, securing him in place and keeping him grounded in reality.

“Ssh, baby, it’s okay,” Jongwoon murmurs. “I’ve got you, sweetheart.”

Jongwoon keeps him close, holding him tightly while he waits for Ryeowook to come back down from his high, and leaving a trail of soft little kisses down his nape and upper back. He pays close attention to Ryeowook’s breathing, looking out for any signs that he might be dropping, but none come, to his absolute relief.

“You’ve done so well,” Jongwoon repeats, swiftly removing his towel from under Ryeowook—after gathering the toys on top of it—so they can lie down on the bed, rolling the boy on top of him so he can hold him close and avoid having anything pressing against Ryeowook’s burning cheek.

“Thank you,” Ryeowook breathes suddenly. Quite frankly, he doesn’t know why he’s thanking Jongwoon; maybe it’s because of how gentle he’s acting now, or maybe it’s because he’s given him what he wanted and finally stopped holding back—maybe it’s both.

Either way, Jongwoon doesn’t question it. He’s just happy to see Ryeowook is fine, and he takes his thanks as him affirming that he’s enjoyed it, but most importantly, that he isn’t afraid or apprehensive about this side of him even if he’s never seen it before. Jongwoon had been scared Ryeowook would get too disoriented if he’d experienced this sooner; _ this _ being Jongwoon’s _ domspace_, where he tends to disconnect from reality and his feelings to focus solely on one goal—_giving_.

But he’d also been scared that, given how intense his feelings for the boy have gotten, he wouldn’t have been able to dissociate himself completely, which could’ve ended in absolute disaster. It’s not something he’ll let Ryeowook know, though.

“Wanna rest for a bit ?” Jongwoon suggests, softly petting the hair at the back of Ryeowook’s head.

Ryeowook’s head feels much heavier than usual when he tries to lift it and rest his chin on Jongwoon’s chest to look at the man.

“But… what about you ?” Ryeowook puzzles, confused.

“Don’t worry about me, angel,” Jongwoon assures him, cupping his face between his hands so he could give him a kiss on the forehead. “I don’t need anything else from you.”

Ryeowook frowns before suddenly realizing that Jongwoon isn’t even hard; he can feel his cock resting against his thigh, which only adds to his confusion.

“I was supposed to deliver punishment and I did,” Jongwoon explains—he’s almost able to see the gears spinning inside the boy’s head. “Sex doesn’t always have to be part of play.”

“... it doesn’t ?”

“No,” Jongwoon chuckles. “It’s about bonding, first and foremost. Creating a comfortable space where we can fully let go of our barriers to strengthen our trust. Sex is a good way to do that, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessary. I still felt like I was being intimate with you. That’s all that matters.”

Ryeowook remembers the thought he’s had earlier in the plane, where he wondered if this was something they could take outside of sex and keep this dynamic they have in everyday life, and realizes that Jongwoon’s just given him part of the answer he’s been seeking. But his punishment still was _ very _ sexual for him, so he’s still left wondering some things about it.

“Can it…” Ryeowook hesitates. “Can it be something that happens… all the time ?”

“What do you mean ?”

“Like… can what we have be used for everyday life, even outside of play and stuff like punishment ?”

“You mean, can we still keep our dominant-submissive roles at all times ?” Jongwoon clarifies, internally cooing at how fucking adorable Ryeowook looks right now. “Yeah, it’s definitely something that can be done. Is that something you’re interested in ?”

“… I think so ?” Ryeowook replies, a little unsure because he doesn’t know what this would entail, at least not in detail, or how different their relationship would turn as a result. “I just… I really like how safe you make me feel when we do it. I… I think it’s something I wanna try ?”

“Then we can try,” Jongwoon confirms, smiling brightly at him before bringing the boy’s face closer to kiss him.

Truth is, despite the fact that he’s hiding it, Jongwoon is absolutely thrilled about this idea. He’s always treated Ryeowook with absolute care, but he’s never been able to experience it to its fullest potential because he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. He understands how some people wouldn’t like being treated the way he treats Ryeowook and how it can look weird from an outsider’s perspective, especially if they don’t know all the logistics behind it. He probably would’ve never brought that up with Ryeowook because of this—because he wanted to be absolutely sure the boy would be completely okay with this—so he’s glad his baby brought it first, on his own.

“Is there anything you consider a hard limit ?” Jongwoon inquires, wanting to know where Ryeowook’s boundaries lie. He’s got some of his own, too, but he wants to hear the boy speak first.

“As long as you don’t treat me like an actual child, I think I should be fine ?” Ryeowook states, trying to think of what could potentially happen as a result of this that would make him uncomfortable. “I still wanna be able to do things on my own.”

“Of course,” Jongwoon agrees. “I wouldn’t be comfortable with having you constantly run tabs by me either. I like to order you around and make you submit to me,” he then adds, eyes growing darker momentarily as he runs his thumb over Ryeowook’s lips, “but I’m not controlling. It’s important to me that you still have your autonomy.”

“I think that’s what I like the most about you,” Ryeowook confesses. He’s starting to slur a little, Jongwoon’s touch working its usual magic on him with terrific ease, and he welcomes it fully. “Sometimes I still can’t believe you’re real.”

“I feel the same about you, baby,” Jongwoon admits. “You’re too perfect.”

Ryeowook smiles and cuddles up to him; he’s getting really sleepy now, but he tries to fight it because he loves these little conversations with Jongwoon—he feels like he’s learned a lot today, and not just about different types of power exchange in relationships similar to theirs. He’s learned a lot about Jongwoon too, and he thinks he’s gotten just a little closer to understanding the man and his motivations.

“Do you want to take a nap now or eat first ?” Jongwoon asks, the lunchboxes he’s ordered almost taunting him from their spot on the dresser, right in his line of sight. He’s glad the room’s got a microwave, because their food has sure as hell gotten cold by now.

Ryeowook stays silent for a second, resting his eyes a little, before reluctantly propping himself on heavy arms. “If I fall asleep now, I’m skipping dinner,” he states tiredly.

Jongwoon chuckles and gives him a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. “Let’s get dressed while I warm up the food.”

Ryeowook nods, unwillingly climbing off of Jongwoon and leaving his warmth, shivering that the cold ambient air—they’ve put the air conditioning on full blast, but Ryeowook is only _ now _ feeling its effects, and he immediately feels like running back into his boyfriend’s arms, who’s already up and setting the timer on the microwave.

Jongwoon turns around, ready to get dressed too, but his plans change when he notices how lost and confused Ryeowook is, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring off into the distance for no apparent reason.

“Everything okay ?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Ryeowook blinks. “I’m just… cold and tired.”

As Ryeowook tries to rub the sleep off of his eyes, Jongwoon walks up to him and crouches down to his height, his warm touch on his thigh as he runs his hand on the exposed skin just above his stockings making the boy jump slightly.

“Want me to help you get dressed ?” Jongwoon offers.

Ryeowook nods, and as the man stands up to retrieve the baby blue panties he’s put aside earlier as well as one of his own shirts, the boy starts rolling down his stockings to take them off, only to be stopped by his boyfriend when he gets back and catches him when he’s about halfway down his calf.

“No, keep those on,” Jongwoon insists, dropping down on one knee between Ryeowook’s legs. He sounds a lot more like he’s asking for a favour rather than giving him an order. “You look so pretty in them… I wanna see you wearing them longer.”

Setting the other clothes to Ryeowook’s side, Jongwoon slowly rolls the stocking back up his leg. He’s unable to take his eyes away. With everything they did, he hasn’t had enough time to properly admire them, and he feels like it would be such a wasted opportunity if he’d let Ryeowook take them off now.

Ryeowook lets Jongwoon slide his panties back on, his body growing hot as he watches the way his boyfriend is staring at him and how he’s touching him—he had no idea the man could be so into this, despite thinking it shouldn’t really be a surprise, _ considering_. It makes him a lot more comfortable with the fact that he’s enjoying this too, because he definitely still feels somewhat shy and embarrassed about it.

“Beautiful,” Jongwoon breathes against his skin, leaving a kiss on the spot just below Ryeowook’s navel. “I knew they’d look gorgeous on you… thank you for letting me buy them for you.”

Jongwoon’s probably been waiting more eagerly for Ryeowook’s birthday than the boy himself, or at least he thinks so, if the fact that he can barely sleep the night before and ends up waking up at an ungodly hour in the morning is anything to go by. It’s too early for him to wake Ryeowook up, and he finds out soon that going back to bed isn’t an option for him either, so he decides to play on his phone and update some stuff to kill time.

He’s got a lot of things to catch up on he realizes when he opens the Instagram app; his inbox and notifications have blown up, and he’s got a pretty good guess as to why—he’s spent the last three days essentially spamming his account with pictures of him and Ryeowook, both together and solo, and he hasn’t even _ tried _ to hide the fact that they are indeed a couple and not just friends on a trip. If anything, he’s made it quite obvious, and he figures a lot of people apparently have a few things to say.

Jongwoon mostly focuses on the comments he’s gotten from his friends, mainly Heechul and Youngwoon teasing him under his pictures and making fun of some of his captions, but there’s one comment under his latest post—a selfie they took when they went to visit Taroko National Park, more specifically at Taroko Gorge, where he’s got his arm wrapped around his boyfriend’s shoulders and giving him a kiss on the cheek—that draws his attention.

Jongwoon frowns, rereading the username carefully to make sure he hasn’t hallucinated, but no, there it says it : _ k.jongjin87_, his brother, whom he hasn’t spoken to in years, just like the rest of his family for that matter. Although all of them were supportive of Jongwoon’s sexuality, Hyukjae had created a rift between them for many reasons—his father had huge problems with the fact that his ex didn’t have a job and essentially lived mooching off of him, and his mother went as far as to suggest maybe Hyukjae was with him only for the money, among many other things his parents reproached him. And Jongwoon, dumb and in love, had eventually chosen love over blood and severed ties with them, something he regrets bitterly today.

_ You look happy with him :) _

Jongwoon blinks at the comment a few times. It’s short and simple, but it means a lot more than what it suggests given the circumstances. Jongjin had always been able to tell something felt wrong with him and Hyukjae, something Jongwoon had only become aware of in hindsight after they broke up. He wasn’t happy with him. He was living in an illusion he created for himself—the same illusion he’s afraid of reliving with Ryeowook, although his worries aren’t as strong as they’d been even just a month ago now.

He still has reservations, and he’s still confused about the nature of his feelings for his boyfriend, but there’s this part of him growing louder that tells him he should allow himself to believe what he has with Ryeowook _ is _ real. He’s started to listen to it and acknowledge its existence the night Ryeowook visited him in his office and told him all he wanted was for him to be happy.

In any case, he sees Jongjin’s comment as a sign that he should try and reach out to him, to make amends for his mistake and reconnect—his little brother had always been important to him, despite the circumstances. He spends a good amount of time thinking of what to send him, though, because a simple _ ‘hello’ _ isn’t exactly an adequate message after being estranged from each other for over two years now, and he doesn’t want it to be too formal either.

_ Hey, I just saw the comment you left on my last post. I thought of reaching out to you because of that. To apologize for what I did and admit I’ve made a mistake. I still have regrets to this day. I don’t expect you to forgive me, at least not right away, but I really am sorry. If you want to know, Hyukjae and I broke up last December, and I realized only after the fact what you’ve tried to tell me before. You were right. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. So, yeah. I’m in a better place now. I hope you’re doing well too. Have a nice day :) _

Jongwoon hesitates a little before pressing the send button, but eventually decides to go through with it. It’s the least he could do at this point, and he wants to be selfish enough to hang on to the hope that he can have Jongjin back in his life, at the very least. His parents may be harder to convince, given most of the problems that caused their falling out came from them.

He doesn’t expect Jongjin to reply right away, given how early it still is, so he puts his phone away on the bedside table before turning to Ryeowook, sleeping soundly next to him, facing him. Jongwoon smiles to himself, admiring every single one of his boyfriend’s features and marvelling over how beautiful he is, especially now, looking so serene, almost delicate as he isn’t aware of the world around him.

Knowing how much of a heavy sleeper Ryeowook is in general, especially if he went to bed late like they had the night before, Jongwoon has no qualms about reaching forward to carefully fix the little strands of hair falling onto his forehead, brushing them to the side, before stroking the soft skin of his cheek with the back of his hand. Ryeowook lets out a contented sigh then, but Jongwoon can tell he’s still fast asleep just from his deep, steady breathing.

Jongwoon honestly doesn’t know what he did to deserve him. He thinks he’s lived a life of failure and disappointment up until now. He’s never really regarded himself as a good person either. Not to say he sees himself as the bad guy, but he’s fucked up and hurt enough people to believe karma or whatever the hell put Ryeowook in his path had been too clement with him, unless it’s just a cruel plan to get him attached to the boy before brutally ripping him away, but it really isn’t something he wants to consider. Especially not now.

It’s Ryeowook’s special day today. He’s not going to ruin it by letting his thoughts get the better of him.

Taking a deep breath to collect himself, Jongwoon shifts closer to embrace him, tightly wrapping his arms around his waist and gently pulling him until he lays flat against him and there’s no room left for air between them. Ryeowook stirs a little, subconsciously seeking Jongwoon’s warmth, and the man closes his eyes as he does the same.

Jongwoon is almost baffled at just how much of a solace Ryeowook represents for him. He’s not used to relying so heavily on someone, whether it be just on their presence alone or their offer of active emotional support, because he’s always thought he could—that he _ should_—handle things on his own. It definitely feels weird for him, but he allows himself to give in this time. Ryeowook’s shown him time and time again that he _ really _ wants to be there for him, and since Jongwoon can’t bring himself to confide in him, he’ll believe that there’s no harm in finding comfort in it.

Miraculously, Jongwoon somehow manages to rest for another hour or so before being brought back to reality when Ryeowook starts moving a little, trying to stretch out his arms, numb from sleep, despite the man’s iron grasp on him. Jongwoon’s hold only tightens as a result, forcing the boy to abandon his plan and settle for draping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck.

“Happy birthday, beautiful,” Jongwoon mumbles against the top of his head, before he gives him a long, lingering kiss on his forehead.

“Just a forehead kiss ?” Ryeowook giggles softly.

“Hm, I don’t know,” Jongwoon hums as he buries his face into the crook of his neck, and he pushes Ryeowook onto his back to climb on top of him. “Do you think you deserve more ?”

“Please ?” Ryeowook adds cutely to nudge Jongwoon a little, knowing full well his boyfriend gets extremely weak when he does that.

“You sly little tease,” Jongwoon calls him out, aware that Ryeowook is doing this on purpose. “I can’t believe you’d use my weaknesses as a weapon against me.”

Still, Jongwoon humours him, bending down to kiss him properly. He’s going to be more lenient on him today.

“You’re lucky it’s _ your _ day today,” Jongwoon groans low against his lips, “or I might’ve teased you back tenfold to get back at you.”

“Does that mean I get to do what I want today ?” Ryeowook asks excitedly.

“Oh no, baby, it doesn’t,” Jongwoon refutes. “I’ll be _ nicer_, but you won’t be exempt from punishment if you push my buttons too much.”

“Not fair,” Ryeowook pouts.

“Very fair,” Jongwoon corrects. “If you want to be daddy’s good little boy, you have to be good at _ all _ times no matter the circumstances.”

Ryeowook would love to counter that, but what Jongwoon is telling him makes perfect sense, and he hates it.

Jongwoon chuckles, kissing the pout off of Ryeowook’s lips.

“I have a gift for you,” Jongwoon reveals. “Well, not with me _ now_, because I want you to be able to pick it out for yourself.”

“What is it ?”

“Remember in the plane how you told me you love to be tied up ?” Jongwoon reminds him. “And how I told you I’d make it happen again if you were good for me ? I’m going to give you a new toy for us to play with to make that happen tonight.”

The way Jongwoon’s eyes grow dark as he speaks has Ryeowook feel like he’s shrinking under him. He can tell the man has a specific idea in mind, but he’s scared to ask in case it gets him too riled up just imagining what his boyfriend is going to do to him, which he knows could very well happen given how hot his body is getting just at the mere thought of finding himself at Jongwoon’s complete mercy once again.

Jongwoon smiles at him, giving him one last quick kiss before rolling onto his back, something Ryeowook is absolutely opposed to—the little strangled whine of protest he lets out is proof of that. Jongwoon doesn’t need to do anything to indulge him, though, because the next second the boy is turning to his side and cuddling up to him, using his chest as a pillow.

Jongwoon laughs softly as he holds the boy close to his side. He’s taken note of how clingy Ryeowook’s gotten since they’ve arrived here, and he absolutely loves it, especially since the boy is so comfortable initiating it without asking now. He hears Ryeowook sigh in content and watches as the boy closes his eyes, letting himself be engulfed by his warmth and relax in his embrace, and Jongwoon follows his lead, resting his eyes for a moment to focus on Ryeowook alone.

This feels so right.

“How do you feel about calling room service for breakfast and spend a lazy morning in bed ?” Jongwoon suggests, breaking the comfortable silence between them.

Ryeowook nods against him. “Sounds good.”

Ryeowook wonders how Jongwoon looks so comfortable entering a sex shop like it’s a supermarket, but not because he’s surprised by this fact—there’s not much that shocks him when it comes to the man, since by now he’s figured that Jongwoon doesn’t know what _ shame _ is. He wants to know so _ he’s _ not so nervous about it and stops clinging to his boyfriend so much.

To say he’s intimidated by everything around him is a massive understatement. The mannequins placed on the shelves on the walls are the first thing he notices; they’re all clad in different leather and latex outfits, some mostly naked except for chains and straps crossing over their chest, and some wearing masks—they all look like the stereotypical things that immediately come to mind when people talk about kink and play, and taking all of this at the same time is a little overwhelming for him.

“You have nothing to be scared of, you know,” Jongwoon assures him, a little alarmed by how tightly Ryeowook’s holding his arm. “Nothing in here can hurt you if they’re just on display.”

“I know, it’s just…”

“Intimidating ?” Jongwoon guesses when Ryeowook struggles to find the right word.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ryeowook nods, letting out a nervous chuckle.

“I felt intimidated by all of this when I first started too,” Jongwoon confesses.

“You did ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon laughs. “I was your age too, so I know what it feels like, and just like you I went into this practically blind. I had to learn everything from the beginning to the more heavy stuff really quickly too, since I knew I was gonna be the one in charge and I didn’t wanna fuck things up.”

“I don’t know why I thought you went into this just knowing what to do,” Ryeowook frowns. “If you didn’t… how did you come into contact with this sort of stuff ?”

“Heechul,” Jongwoon replies immediately. “He sort of just… dragged me along with him when he got into it and I liked the idea. I had no clue there would be so much to learn, and things were definitely clumsy at first. And it took a lot of practice and experimenting before I figured out what I liked.”

“Have you ever tried to be a sub ?” Ryeowook asks, trying to retain his laughter when he tries to imagine it happening.

Jongwoon can feel chills of pure horror crawl under his skin at the mere mention.

“_ Trying _ is a big word,” Jongwoon corrects. “It didn’t even last a minute before I had to stop everything because it just felt so wrong. I freaked out before anything ever happened. Never even thought of doing that ever again since. There are things you know you won’t like from the get-go. Always listen to your gut feeling when experimenting.”

“My gut feeling always tells me to trust you,” Ryeowook admits, taking Jongwoon by surprise at the sudden confession. “But… thank you for telling me this. I feel less ridiculous now.”

“I’m glad,” Jongwoon smiles at him, reaching up to pet Ryeowook’s hair—something he knows usually works wonders at soothing him. “I know I said we’d come here for bondage stuff,” he then continues to change the subject, “but if there’s anything else that catches your attention that you might want to try, let me know, okay ?”

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods, only half paying attention. He’s too busy revelling in Jongwoon’s comforting touch to fully focus on anything else.

Jongwoon waits for Ryeowook to make the first step and start walking down the aisles and display tables, not wanting to rush him and come off as too pushy; they’re there for _ his baby_, not for himself, and he wishes to do this on Ryeowook’s terms alone. He doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea of his eagerness to show him certain things might end up pressuring Ryeowook into doing something he’s not sure he’ll like—the boy’s been very adamant from the beginning that he’s willing to do pretty much anything to please him, and it’s not something Jongwoon wants to take advantage of. In any case, it scares him a little, and if it weren’t for the fact that he can read Ryeowook like an open book and know when he’s lying, he’d definitely be doubting him every time he’d claim to want to try something new. He doesn’t want that to happen.

“I thought I knew a lot about sex before I met you,” Ryeowook chuckles nervously once they come across a section full of toys he’s never even seen before, except for one of them wrapped around a hook on the side of the rack—a whip. “I realize now that I’m actually clueless.”

“I was the same at your age,” Jongwoon chuckles. “It’s okay to ask questions, though. That’s what I’m here for.”

Ryeowook stops for a bit to examine the toys closer. Jongwoon stays silent beside him the entire time, watching him with a careful and attentive eye to take in his reactions to everything—his expression is mostly just confusion, though, and Jongwoon has to stop himself from poking his cute little cheek when the boy scrunches his nose and frowns as he tries to figure out what the toy he’s just picked out is used for. He’s too goddamn cute for his own good.

Jongwoon quietly snorts despite him, and Ryeowook turns on his heel to face him, wanting to know what he’s just missed that was so funny, only to see his boyfriend smiling like an idiot and trying his best to prevent himself from laughing, but the way his shoulders jerk up and down are a dead giveaway.

“Why are you laughing ?” Ryeowook puzzles, cocking his head to the side.

“No reason,” Jongwoon dismisses. “I can see the gears spinning inside your head from here.”

“Not everyone is a trained _ pervert _ like you,” Ryeowook huffs, but he immediately regrets his words when Jongwoon’s expression shifts from amused to dark and mischievous.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to talk, angel,” Jongwoon jests, taking a step forward to lift Ryeowook’s chin up. “Not when all you think about all day is having daddy’s cock shoved deep down your throat and choking you.”

Ryeowook audibly gulps—God he fucking hopes no one can hear them from where they are, especially the retail worker playing on her phone at the counter about ten meters away from them.

“Thought I didn’t know that ?” Jongwoon ribs him further, bringing his face closer to Ryeowook’s until the boy can feel his breath on his lips. “You’re not doing a great job at hiding it. And you should be careful with your words, baby,” he then warns him, grabbing the toy from his hands, “or I might end up using this on you.”

Ryeowook stares up at the object, and although he still has no idea what it is, he can now guess it’s not something made to be used just for light teasing like the leather strands falling from the handle might have suggested.

“I have one at home that looks just like this,” Jongwoon continues, threading his fingers through the strands.

“What is it ?” Ryeowook questions bashfully.

“This is a flogger,” Jongwoon explains, the darkness in his eyes bleeding into the tone of his voice. “It’s used to spank little brats like you when they’re acting up.”

As contradicting as it sounds, Ryeowook gets the sudden urge to seek comfort into Jongwoon’s arms then—not to apologize and say he’s sorry, but because he’s catching himself slipping into subspace and with them being out in public around other people, he’s starting to feel anxious and disoriented, and he finds himself in need of Jongwoon’s support and reassurance regardless of what the man is telling him at the moment.

Jongwoon’s grown a lot stricter with him in the past few days as a direct result of him asking if they could bring elements of their dynamic into everyday life, but Ryeowook can’t complain about it, even in spite of how hard it’s become for him to tease the man the way he used to. Jongwoon’s presence, energy, and even his scolding feel comforting to him in a way he would’ve never been able to imagine.

“You’re lucky I have a soft spot for you because of how precious you are,” Jongwoon tells him then, placing the flogger back on the hook in favour of holding Ryeowook close to him and giving him the comfort he needs. “And it’s cute when you think you have the upper hand against me.”

Jongwoon leans down to leave a wet kiss on the underside of Ryeowook’s jaw to poke at him, making the boy jerk back and whine as a reflex, or at least as much as he can with Jongwoon’s grasp on him.

Chuckling, Jongwoon turns Ryeowook’s body around so he can hug him from behind for a moment, before slowly guiding them away from the current display, knowing Ryeowook isn’t going to budge in the state he’s in. He still lets the boy lead the way for the most part, even if he can tell Ryeowook doesn’t really know where he’s going, until Ryeowook suddenly stops in his tracks in front of a poster hung onto one of the support pillars of the store.

Jongwoon comes up beside him to see what the boy is staring at, looking like he’s witnessing a miracle taking place in front of his eyes, wide eyed and in awe—it’s a picture of a woman tied up _ shibari _ style, and the man can’t say he’s surprised Ryeowook is so dazzled by it. Not only is shibari a form of bondage, it’s also specifically designed to look aesthetically pleasing, like it’s meant to be a work of art rather than something used for sex, and both are things he knows for a fact Ryeowook is into; being tied up and looking pretty for him.

“She looks gorgeous,” Ryeowook marvels out loud without realizing it.

“Doesn’t she ?” Jongwoon agrees as he wraps his arm around Ryeowook’s lower back and sneaks his thumb under his shirt to tease the skin of his hip, right above the hem of his pants.

“Do you—” Ryeowook begins, but he changes his mind almost right away, feeling sheepish about what he wanted to ask Jongwoon. _ Do you think I’d look as pretty as her in her place ? _

“Do I what ?” Jongwoon inquires, making sure to speak as softly as he can so Ryeowook doesn’t feel forced to give him an answer.

“It’s nothing,” Ryeowook shakes his head.

Jongwoon would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a little upset at Ryeowook’s reticence to tell him what he’s got in mind, but if he doesn’t want to, he’ll respect his decision. Still, he doesn’t like seeing Ryeowook so hesitant about something, and he guesses his question must’ve had something to do with what Jongwoon’s opinion of this is, so he decides he’ll let him know he’d love to do that with him, at the very least.

“Is it something you think you’d like trying out ?”

Ryeowook bites his lower lip and nods—if he’s trying to hide his excitement at the prospect of it, he’s doing a really poor job of it.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how beautiful you’d look like this,” Jongwoon states almost breathlessly. “Ah, _ fuck_. I’m gonna go insane if I do.”

Jongwoon bends his neck to rest his forehead against Ryeowook’s shoulder, refusing to look at the picture any longer because he’s already starting to get extremely riled up picturing Ryeowook in her place, kneeling in front of him with his arms and ankles tied together while he fucks his throat mercilessly, and now is _ not _ the time to get horny. He doesn’t want his personal opinion to influence Ryeowook’s choices; he’s promised himself at the beginning, and he won’t go back on his word.

Ryeowook starts to feel like mush inside at Jongwoon’s reaction, and he thinks he might’ve made his choice of what they’re going to do tonight thanks to this—the only thing left to do is for him to figure out where this type of rope is, which he figures shouldn’t be that hard given they’re already over halfway through the shop and most of what’s left is full of outfits of different kinds, at least that’s what he can make up from his current position looking over the display racks.

Growing a bit bolder, Ryeowook takes Jongwoon’s hand in his and leads them toward the back slowly, and the man follows him without resistance, confused yet amused by the sudden determination and confidence Ryeowook seems to have found while he was trying to prevent himself from getting hard in public. He regrets wearing such tight pants today, suddenly.

Despite having a clear idea of what he wants now, Ryeowook still gets distracted by one of the displays in particular; it’s covered entirely with collars of all kinds, some with some kind of leash attached to it, some made out of leather, others in fabric, some resembling an actual dog’s and others much fancier, with cursive lettering reading pet names such as _ princess_, _ doll_, _ kitten _… Ryeowook doesn’t know why it catches his attention as much as it does, but he can’t help but take a closer look at them, and he’s so entranced by it that he doesn’t notice when Jongwoon starts zoning out at the sight of them.

“Is this what they use for pet play ?” Ryeowook checks, not bothering to look back at Jongwoon.

The man blinks, brought back down to earth by Ryeowook’s question, and he shakes his head to collect himself before answering. “Yeah, it can,” he nods, “although collars can have all sorts of different meanings depending on the person. For a lot of people in the community, they’re almost like a sacred thing. Some set up ceremonies to celebrate a sub’s collaring.”

“So it’s a big deal,” Ryeowook reflects, lifting one of them from its hook at random with near fascination. He couldn’t have guessed at something like this could be so important.

“For a lot of us, yeah,” Jongwoon confirms again, coming up to stand by Ryeowook’s side to stare at the collars as well, although with a much more clouded and empty gaze than the boy’s. His heart feels heavy then, memories associated with this particular toy that aren’t so pleasant coming back to the surface.

“Does it mean anything to you ?”

Unbeknownst to Ryeowook, his words pierce through Jongwoon’s heart almost immediately. He couldn’t have possibly known, so the man doesn’t hold it against him, but he wishes he wouldn’t have asked that. Trying to come up with an answer to his question is so painful Jongwoon stays frozen for nearly a minute, prompting the boy to turn around and face him, and notice the way his boyfriend’s features contort into an expression that almost looks… _ sad_.

Ryeowook frowns—he wants to apologize for asking, but he’s beaten by Jongwoon who finally starts speaking, although his answer does nothing to get rid of the guilt the boy is feeling at the moment for making Jongwoon so visibly upset even though it wasn’t his intention at all.

“Yeah.” Jongwoon forces a smile when he turns to look at the boy. “I’m one of those who sees it as a commitment on par with marriage. A… proof of love.”

His last word is so painful to even utter that he can’t believe he managed to let it out at all. He knows Ryeowook’s noticed how visibly distraught he is too, which only makes things worse for him, because the last thing he wants is for the boy to interpret this as him being scared of commitment when it’s not at all the case. Well, not completely. He has no problem committing to someone physically and romantically, but he can’t do it on an emotional level—there’s something that prevents him from doing that every single time, and he knows it’s a problem.

He’s just not ready to face it.

Ryeowook almost asks him if he’s ever collared someone before—not out of jealousy or insecurity, but because he’s genuinely curious since he knows little to nothing about Jongwoon’s past relationships—but chooses not to at the last minute, refusing to take the risk to upset him even more than he already is. He has a pretty good idea of what the answer to that is, though, because of his reaction; he assumes he _ has_, or at the very least thought of doing so, and that it obviously didn’t work out for him in the end since they’re together now.

Ryeowook thinks he should feel some kind of negative feeling about it, but he doesn’t. If anything, he mostly hurts _ for _ Jongwoon rather than because of him, and a lot of things start to make sense now. The weird dreams he has about Ryeowook leaving him, how emotionally closed off he still is after all this time, and he thinks to an extent that it might also explain why he’s so clingy with him even if his friend believes it’s weird and out of character for the man to do that. He has no reason to believe Jongwoon isn’t over his ex, at least not that he can think of, since aside from his ex-girlfriend whom he spoke very casually of, he’s never heard the man mention anything about the other people he’s dated. However, he does consider the idea that there’s a possibility that whatever it was that didn’t work out in the end probably scarred him, and Jongwoon is projecting it onto their relationship because he’s scared the same thing is going to happen.

Ryeowook wants to know what it is so he can try his best not to put Jongwoon through that pain again, but it’s clearly a sore subject for him, so he doesn’t know how he should even bring it up. All he knows is that _ now _ is not the right time to have this conversation, since they’re in public and they’re supposed to be celebrating his birthday.

He doesn’t know what else to do but to give Jongwoon a hug, remembering how he said a few days ago that just his presence was enough to help him—he hopes Jongwoon was right about that—and thinks that _ maybe _ it would be a good idea to walk away from the display rack too.

Jongwoon shakes himself back to reality once Ryeowook starts pushing them away, still holding on to him as he does, and the man believes he may have just fallen even harder for the boy in this very moment. He can’t fully wrap his head around just how understanding his boyfriend is; most people would’ve probably interpreted the situation as either him not being over a past love, because who would get so weirdly depressed talking about it if not someone whose heart’s been broken and still isn’t completely over it ? Yet, Ryeowook doesn’t see it this way, or at least doesn’t show any signs of doing so.

“Sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes, voice a bit strangled. “I don’t know what happened there. I just… yeah, I don’t know what that was.”

“It’s okay,” Ryeowook assures him, holding on to him just a little tighter. “You don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. And it didn’t ruin the mood, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Are you… sure ?” Jongwoon verifies, unsure and a bit in shock that Ryeowook was able to anticipate where he knows for sure where his train of thought and self-doubt would’ve inevitably taken him. He truly doesn’t deserve him.

“Yep,” Ryeowook exclaims, trying his best to sound cheery, in hopes of influencing Jongwoon to lighten up too. They do say happiness is contagious, after all. “You can tell me when you’re ready. I’ll be there to listen.”

Jongwoon stifles a sad little chuckle. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready to talk about it, and if he ever is, it’ll probably be years from now, provided he and Ryeowook are still together by this point.

“Thank you,” Jongwoon sighs, finally responding to Ryeowook’s embrace after all this time. “How are you always so understanding ?”

“I just… care a lot about you,” Ryeowook mumbles.

His impostor syndrome would say it’s because he’s deadly afraid of upsetting Jongwoon to the point of leaving him, though, because no matter how hard he tries to be unconditionally supportive, Jongwoon’s secrecy does somewhat bother him, deep down. He’s also very confused by this constant duality the man seems to live in, where on one hand, he’s very affectionate and caring, but on the other tends to completely shut off when feelings are brought out loud; on one hand, Jongwoon’s never showed any signs of being ashamed to be with him, but on the other, he’s never once introduced him to his friends and family—not that Ryeowook can truly judge him on that last part, because it’s not like either he or Jongwoon ever brought them up at all—except one, which was completely on accident.

This sentiment isn’t strong enough to the point that he’s getting mad, mostly because he really _ does _ understand that Jongwoon is hurt, but he gets a bit upset every time he thinks about it. He’d probably be a lot more impatient than he is now if he weren’t so in love with the man. He’s never feared abandonment this much before.

“Speaking of which,” Ryeowook continues, now wanting to change the subject more than ever. “Is there… hum… is there anything you thought about adding on top of restraining me ?” He’ll never get over his bashfulness when it’s time to ask Jongwoon questions about his preferences for things like these. He doesn’t know why he’s so shy about it in the first place.

Even though he knows Ryeowook is purposely asking just to try and move on to other things, Jongwoon happily takes the bait, because _ God_, he needs to get over this awkwardness he’s caused before it gets too heavy and does actually end up ruining everything for them.

“No,” Jongwoon denies. “This is _ your _ day. We came here for you. It’s about what _ you _ want.”

“But what if what I want is to please daddy ?” Ryeowook pouts, so happy and relieved that they were able to fall back into this pattern so easily.

“Then you’ll do what daddy asks and make the decisions for yourself,” Jongwoon counters, allowing his dominant side to take over so he can fully concentrate on Ryeowook.

This is another reason the boy is such a huge source of comfort for him; not only does he allow him to put his focus entirely on something else when things get too much, being the one in charge of his well-being makes him forget how out of control his life and emotions are.

“So… when it’s your birthday, you’ll get to do whatever you want too ?” Ryeowook asks, hopeful. “You’re not gonna hold back ?”

“If we get out of the store with your gift before then, _ maybe_,” Jongwoon teases him. He won’t give him a more concrete answer, since he himself doesn’t know it.

Jongwoon chuckles softly when Ryeowook pouts before he gives him an encouraging little push so they keep moving. He keeps forgetting they’re out in public—although nobody is really paying attention to them, too busy with their own affairs—almost as if he’s got tunnel vision when it comes to Ryeowook, and he might as well attribute it to wishful thinking because he’d love for them to be alone now.

The stuff they’d been looking for isn’t very far from where they stood a minute ago, tucked in a corner of the store in what could essentially be described as the _ bondage aisle_, given every single thing displayed there can be used for that purpose. Ryeowook’s eyes light up like he’s a kid in a candy store, which warms Jongwoon’s heart; he’ll always be pleasantly surprised at just how much his baby is into this type of thing.

Ryeowook takes in the toys on the shelves and racks quickly, not really paying much attention to anything since he now knows what he’s looking for, but just as the collars had earlier, something else catches his attention as he walks between a display table full of all types of handcuffs and a rack of chains and straps, and he stops in his tracks to take a closer look at it.

“What’s this ?” Ryeowook asks curiously, pointing at the toy.

Jongwoon steps behind him to peek over his shoulder to look at the object in question. “It’s a body cuff,” he explains, reaching around Ryeowook to pick it up and show him closer. “It’s meant to tie all your limbs together, from your neck to your ankles.”

Ryeowook stares at it in awe for a moment. Fuck. This sounds so much better than the rope. He can already imagine how great he would feel completely restrained like this, forced to remain immobile and unable to fight against it. _ This _ is what he wants, but for some reason, he can’t muster up the courage to tell Jongwoon. It feels too much like _ asking _ him to buy it for him, despite the fact that it’s his birthday and they’ve come here specifically for him to pick out his gift, and he’s not entirely comfortable with that idea.

“It’s… really pretty,” Ryeowook blurts out, slowly grabbing one of the black straps connecting what he thinks is meant to be a collar to a belt to feel the sturdy leather.

“You’re really into this, aren’t you ?” Jongwoon marvels aloud, reaching over to stroke Ryeowook’s cheek with his thumb. The boy nods against his touch. “You really are meant to submit.”

Only Jongwoon could manage to make this sound like a compliment.

“If I put this on,” Ryeowook continues as he chews on his lower lip, “I won’t be able to move at all, will I ?”

“Depending on how tight I make it, you won’t,” Jongwoon confirms. “Unless you want the neck strap to strangle you.”

The fact that there’s a _ choking _ factor is enough to make the balance tip completely in favour of the cuffs—breath play is close second in terms of Ryeowook’s preferences, so he’d be crazy not to go with this option at this point.

“I love it,” Ryeowook cheers despite him, looking up at Jongwoon with shining eyes full of hope, wonder and a tinge of lust hiding behind.

“Then we’ll go with this one,” Jongwoon exclaims. “Unless you had something else in mind.”

Ryeowook shakes his head quickly. “No, I want it.”

“Looks like we have a winner then,” Jongwoon smirks. “I can’t wait to put it on you.”

Jongwoon leans down to give the boy a quick kiss on the lips.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

If anyone were to ask either of them how dinner went after that, neither would be able to give an answer.

Jongwoon had meant to celebrate and take his time enjoying the moment with Ryeowook, but the thought of fucking him senseless while he can’t move proves to be far too distracting for him to do so. The same goes for Ryeowook, who almost wishes Jongwoon hadn’t insisted they go out for dinner first and would’ve just stayed at the hotel when they went back to put away their purchase. Needless to say the cab ride back after they’d practically inhaled their food was also laced with palpable sexual tension—Jongwoon would almost feel sorry for the driver if he found the energy to care about anyone but Ryeowook in this moment.

It’s hard for them to keep their hands to themselves on their way back to their room, too. The minute the door closes behind them, Jongwoon’s lips are on Ryeowook’s, hands cupping his face at first until the kiss gets too heated; his hands drop to the boy’s hips then, and Ryeowook takes it as his cue to jump up and wrap his legs around Jongwoon’s waist so he can carry him to the bed.

Impatient, Ryeowook is already halfway done with unbuttoning Jongwoon’s shirt when his back hits the mattress, but he doesn’t let the light shock interrupt him, although the pleasure building up from the man grinding against him causes his hands to shake a little. Jongwoon lets him slide his button-up down his arms, helping him toward the end so he could throw it away swiftly, and he breaks the kiss to do the same with Ryeowook, ridding him of his shirt without much effort.

Chills run down Jongwoon’s spine when Ryeowook moans into the kiss. Encouraged by this, the man gives a strong jerk of his hips against his boyfriend’s, but groans in frustration when the fabric of their pants prevents them from fully enjoying the friction—he loves to tease, but fuck him, he’s too impatient right now to play with Ryeowook like that.

“Daddy…” Ryeowook whimpers breathily. “Please hurry up… I promise I’ll be good if you hurry, _ please_.”

“You’re _ that _ eager to get tied up, huh ?” Jongwoon teases, hands already working to get rid of Ryeowook’s pants and underwear at once. Ryeowook nods, reflexively thrusting his hips up the second his little cock is freed from its prison. “You’ve asked so nicely. I can’t not give you what you want.”

Jongwoon crawls off of him to stand at the foot of the bed, where they’d left their shopping bag earlier before going out for dinner. He takes the opportunity to take his own bottoms off before digging into the bag to pull out Ryeowook’s birthday gift.

“I’ll need you to turn around and get on your knees, baby,” Jongwoon speaks softly, yet commanding, and he waits for Ryeowook to do what he’s told before he climbs back onto the bed to kneel behind him.

As if he already knew what to do before Jongwoon needed to tell him anything else, Ryeowook’s hands reflexively cross behind his back to rest against the dip right above his ass, making the man sigh in content.

“I always feel so proud when I see you give yourself to me so easily,” Jongwoon admits as he leaves a light little kiss right above Ryeowook’s left shoulder blade.

“It’s because I’m yours,” Ryeowook replies without much thought.

Jongwoon stops breathing for a second. Fuck. He already knew Ryeowook was his and his alone, but it hits so much differently when the boy himself acknowledges it.

“Don’t forget that,” Jongwoon almost growls into his neck before pulling back, just enough to give him space to put the cuffs on.

Jongwoon starts with the collar, being very careful to give Ryeowook enough room to breathe without issue, and he marvels for a moment over how fucking pretty it looks on him. He can’t help the heaviness that settles in his heart at the thought—it reminds him of earlier, how he’s admitted that this sort of thing means a lot to him, and he feels so guilty about it. Not for bringing it up, but for showing him that the subject of _ love _ is extremely painful for him, and he doesn’t want Ryeowook to think even for a second that it has anything to do with him.

Shit. He’s letting his scars get the better of him, _ again_.

Jongwoon shakes his negative thoughts away and tries to focus on Ryeowook as best as he can, hoping his dominant side will take over the same way it had at the store and push his emotions away, but he’s still zoning out by the time he’s done cuffing the boy’s wrists, working on autopilot.

“Once I attach the harness around your hips, I strongly advise you not to move an inch,” Jongwoon instructs him, finally back to reality—well, enough that he can still be conscious enough to make sure Ryeowook is safe. “Or this strap running down your spine here is going to choke you, and we don’t want you to get ahead on the fun, do we ?”

Ryeowook is too distracted by Jongwoon’s mouth sucking on the side of his neck to notice the man wrapping the leather belt around his waist until he hears a snapping noise, and now he sees exactly what Jongwoon was referring to—just the steady rise of his shoulders when he breathes is enough to feel the collar tug down and lightly press against his throat. It’s so tight. Fuck, he loves this.

“Bend over your thighs,” Jongwoon orders, lightly pushing against Ryeowook’s back. “But be careful.”

Ryeowook has to work hard to keep his back as straight as possible, whimpering when the collar gets tugged back by the tension again despite his efforts. Jongwoon wastes no time in setting up the rest of the restraints, completely tying up his legs and ankles with the straps attached to the handcuffs on his back—everything is so tight Ryeowook can’t even spread his legs apart, let alone stand back up, and it feels like he’s in heaven.

Jongwoon looks over at him. Shit. He’s so fucking beautiful like this that it almost doesn’t seem real. Ryeowook might as well just be a dream at this point, an illusion created by his fear of loneliness, because he’s so fucking perfect for him that it’s driving him insane, if the fact that he might just be hallucinating didn’t do that already.

Ryeowook is a dream Jongwoon doesn’t want to wake up from.

Jongwoon’s hands fly to Ryeowook’s ass, kneading the skin just a little before spreading his cheeks apart, taking in the sight of his perfect little hole just waiting to be claimed by him, already clenching around nothing and begging to be filled. The man glances over at his boyfriend, head turned to the side so his cheek can rest on the mattress, eyes closed and focusing on steadying his erratic breathing. He’s already so fucked up just by being exposed to him like this.

He’s absolutely ethereal.

Without uttering a single word, Jongwoon slowly leans down to flatten his tongue over Ryeowook’s puckered hole, making the boy gasp in surprise at the sudden warmth.

“Oh my God,” Ryeowook inhales sharply. “Fuck.”

“Such a dirty little mouth you have,” Jongwoon smirks, going back in to lick a stripe up his entrance. “You’d think someone as cute as you wouldn’t use such language.”

Ryeowook moans loudly, his thighs starting to quiver the more Jongwoon laps at his hole—he’s spasming uncontrollably, and he makes the mistake of pulling on his restraints to try and push himself closer to Jongwoon’s face because he needs to be filled right now, which causes the collar to press against his windpipe enough for him to lose his breath for a second.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook stutters between his moans. “I need— I need _ more_.”

“Of course you do,” Jongwoon mocks, replacing his tongue by one of his thumbs to swirl it around the ring and coating it with his spit. “You’re always so fucking needy for daddy’s cock. You’re one greedy little doll, aren’t you ?”

“Hng— daddy, _ please_,” Ryeowook begs. He wouldn’t be _ that _ impatient normally, but he wants to know how it would feel to be fucked senseless while he lays there completely helpless—he wants to know so fucking badly, wants to experience it because it’s been one of his biggest fantasies since Jongwoon’s introduced him to bondage, so asking him to have patience and wait for the man to finish teasing him is out of fucking question.

“My little boy is growing bolder now,” Jongwoon points out before giving Ryeowook’s clenching hole a light little kiss. “I bet he’d love for daddy to fuck him without taking the time to stretch him out first, wouldn’t you, baby ?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook blurts out with absolute certainty. “Fuck, yes. _ Please_.”

Jongwoon cocks an eyebrow—he expected Ryeowook to say yes, but not that he’d sound so convinced and serious about it. It’s not something the man usually does, but the younger man’s sureness genuinely makes him consider the idea.

He ponders over it while he bends over the boy’s body to grab the bottle of lube on the bedside table, purposely pushing his crotch a little—more like a lot—more strongly than necessary just to let him know how fucking hard he is already, both to tease and to remind his baby of how big he is so he can fully reflect over it, too.

“Are you sure ?” Jongwoon checks, leaving a kiss on the side of Ryeowook’s neck to relax him. “It might hurt a lot.”

“I don’t care,” Ryeowook states firmly. “I don’t care about what happens as long as it’s with you. I’m yours to use however you feel like for as long as you’ll want me.”

Ryeowook has no fucking clue where that came from. His words had escaped him on their own, like he had no control over them or even his own thoughts; all he knows is that it came from a place beyond just physical need, as horny as he is. His very being just wants to be _ good enough _ for Jongwoon, no matter what it entails.

It’s not something Jongwoon picks up on, however, as it’s buried so deep inside Ryeowook that even the boy himself isn’t aware of it fully. It also doesn’t help that his words hit the man like a truck, for so many reasons that he can’t even count them. The way Ryeowook reacts to him, to what he’s doing, how much he trusts him to do anything to him despite the risks, and how devoted to him he is as a whole—everything just piles up on top of each other, and Jongwoon is unable to stop thinking about it as he pours down a ridiculous amount of lube onto his hand, at least wanting to make sure the friction doesn’t add more to the possible pain of the stretch.

“If it’s too much, you tell me and I’ll pull out immediately, okay ?” he still thinks of asking at the very least, but his mind is in a completely different place now.

Spreading Ryeowook’s cheeks apart as much as possible, Jongwoon lines up his cock with Ryeowook’s waiting hole, slowly and carefully pushing the tip in until the head is fully sheathed inside. Fuck. He’s even tighter than what he’s used to, and he legitimately feels like he’s going to suffocate. Ryeowook whines loudly—the stretch isn’t painful, but calling it uncomfortable would be an understatement, too, and he thinks the fact that Jongwoon stopped moving just as the tip pushed in makes it _ worse_.

“You okay ?” Jongwoon checks, already panting a little.

Ryeowook nods. “Just… just push all the way in,” he pleads. “Please. Please just—”

Jongwoon doesn’t let him finish his sentence before thrusting his cock all the way in, all at once, noticing with the way Ryeowook’s face nearly contorted in pain that the boy really needed him to move. Ryeowook’s breath hitches in his throat, and this time, he’s fucking thankful that Jongwoon stopped moving again to let him time to adjust, because holy shit, he’s _ big_. But he doesn’t regret his decision, not by a long shot. If anything, the sensations he feels running through his entire body are so fucking good he thinks he might get high on them if it keeps happening, and he fucking loves it.

_ I’m yours to use however you feel like for as long as you’ll want me. _

Ryeowook’s words from earlier still echo inside Jongwoon’s head, especially now that he sees the boy’s face slowly fade from discomfort to pure bliss the more he remains still, buried inside of him as far as he can go. The scene displayed before his eyes is a true representation of what his boyfriend told him then; he’s lying there, folded in half, tied up to the point that he can’t move at all, at Jongwoon’s complete mercy, submitting to his will and allowing him to truly do whatever the hell he wants without hesitation.

And he’s affirming that it’ll be the case for as long as he, Jongwoon, wants him—affirming that it’s on _ his _ terms, and that it’s up for him to decide when this all ends even if Jongwoon’s been telling himself Ryeowook was the one who held this kind of power. He wants to believe this is true. He wants to believe he didn’t just imagine it, and that the boy truly means it.

Their relationship doesn’t have a timestamp, at least not in his mind. The thought of living a life without Ryeowook by his side is an unfathomable scenario he doesn’t even want to think about. And that’s when it hits him. No matter how different his feelings for Ryeowook are from Hyukjae, Jongwoon acknowledges for the first time since they’d met that he might be in love with Ryeowook, as fucking terrifying as it sounds. It’s still too soon. There are still so many things that can happen and change their dynamic completely. He’s not fucking ready to have this conversation with himself, especially not when he’s got his cock all the way inside him and has the boy in a position where he needs Jongwoon to be all there to take care of him.

There’s something that snaps inside of him then, and his mind starts to feel foggy as his hips start moving seemingly on their own volition. Ryeowook moans again, louder this time, and it brings Jongwoon back to reality just long enough for him to make sure he’s okay.

_ Fuck. _

Jongwoon’s never been so close to losing complete control with Ryeowook than he is now, and having the boy moan and whimper while he’s tied up like this only ebbs him further. He can’t fucking take it anymore. He’s about to lose his goddamn mind, if he hasn’t already—he’s not so sure where he stands at this point.

Jongwoon bends over the boy’s body to bury his face into the crook of his neck, biting down on the skin just below his collar, picking up the pace of his thrusts until it reduces Ryeowook to nothing more than a moaning mess. Although Jongwoon is no better, albeit a lot quieter than the boy is, and he can already feel his climax coming—it’s probably the fastest he’s ever come to that point, too, and if he weren’t trying his best to just let his instincts guide him, he would’ve most likely questioned it. Right now, though, he doesn’t have the ability to pay it any mind.

“Baby,” Jongwoon growls into Ryeowook’s neck, making the boy’s entire body shiver. “I’m gonna need you to cum for me. _ Now_.”

To emphasize his sense of urgency, Jongwoon pulls on the strap connected to Ryeowook’s collar, hard enough to nearly cut off his airways entirely, and that’s all it takes for the boy to cum, spilling himself all over his thighs and stomach. Jongwoon continues to pound into him, chasing his own release, letting go of the strap to firmly secure himself onto the mattress to hit Ryeowook’s sweet spot with deadly precision, sending the boy into another orgasm when he’s barely even started to recover from his first one before the man finally cums too, _ hard_, burying himself as deep as he can inside of his boyfriend to wait it out. Except it doesn’t end when it should have.

Jongwoon groans next to Ryeowook’s ear as his orgasm keeps hitting him, sending wave after wave of pleasure relentlessly down his spine, shaking him to the point that he can barely manage to keep himself propped up on his shaky arms anymore. His mind is clouding over, and everything feels so raw and open in this moment that his stomach churns in anxiety at the unknown sensation of vulnerability he’s experiencing for the first time in his life. As he tries in vain to catch his breath, his elbows give out under his weight despite his efforts; he can feel his cock still pulsing as he keeps cumming inside of the boy, and he topples over on his boyfriend’s back. He groans again, and it comes out strained, halfway between untamed pleasure and pain; he’s never cum this much before, and it’s driving him completely insane.

Ryeowook is just as spent under him, panting heavily, tears of pure bliss streaming down his cheeks; he feels so safe right now, at peace, protected, and most important of all, he feels _ loved_. He can barely make up a semblance of rational thought beyond that, so he’s not thinking twice about what he’s doing when he opens his mouth to speak.

“J—Jongwoon…” he pants, voice coming out broken and small, and Jongwoon’s heart sinks in his chest in utter _ fear_. He knows what’s coming. He knows what Ryeowook is about to say, and his eyes widen in sheer panic. “I—”

“_Don’t_,” Jongwoon exhales sharply—although he somehow manages to remain soft-spoken—and he buries his nose in the crook of Ryeowook’s neck. He holds the boy a little closer, a little tighter against him, and he tries in vain to fight off the guilt that starts to creep up on him then. “Don’t say anything.”

There’s a part of Jongwoon that wants to hear those words; god, he wants to, even though he already knows very well by now the extent of Ryeowook’s feelings for him. He knows it so well, because his own feelings match up with the boy’s, and it terrifies him. He hates himself for it, because he wants to reciprocate; but he can’t, and he doesn’t want Ryeowook to feel unloved when he realizes he’s unable to say it back. So Jongwoon would rather Ryeowook not say anything.

He’s just not ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry


	13. Truth Untold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what happened with this chapter tbh. It sort of just became a thing without me being aware of it, and I decided that, fuck it, this is what it's gonna be ahahah
> 
> Whoever finds the most instances of me breaking the fourth wall in this chapter will get head pats from me ahahah 
> 
> Important note : the guy named Jaesun in this chapter is an OC, not an idol. I know 0 idols named Jaesun, but in case there's one, it's not him. You'll understand why I put this disclaimer in ahahah
> 
> And you know the usual, ahah  
Big thanks and huge props to [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for putting up with my depressed ass writing this and wanting to procrastinate as much as possible, you are an angel and I love you
> 
> If you want to get updates on when the new chapter will come, you can [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon), I'm not depressed on main usually ahahah

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Chapter 14 — Hell

_ There’s a split second where Heejae doesn’t recognize her. _

_ Not that anyone would blame him for the oversight. She, who had always appeared so graceful, now laid here as but another casualty of the warring times they lived in; mutilated, blood painting her pale skin like a macabre piece of art—one that could’ve only been created by the most twisted of minds, and one he knows would haunt him for the rest of his days. _

_ Death, loss and grief have been old friends of his, for as long as he can remember. The chilling sight of his comrades falling one by one used to plague his nights, as a young child who had seen too much, but nothing could’ve ever prepared him for the excruciating pain that tears his heart to witness such a beautiful soul cross paths with a fate no one should encounter. _

_ As the ghost of the resentment and hatred he once used to harbour for war comes to the surface, Heejae curses himself—he curses himself for finding some kind of satisfaction and thrill in exchanging blows with the enemy, in witnessing the light fade from their eyes as they shared their final breath, in the twisted excitement from the realization that he’s powerful enough to deserve living another day. This battlefield, the same one they had inherited from their parents and would bequeath the next generations to come once they would meet their untimely deaths, means nothing but desolation, misery, and suffering. He remembers now. He remembers all too well. _

_ Heejae reaches out to her, his trembling hands retracting themselves the moment they come into contact with her glacial ones. His face remains stone cold, remnants of his training as a soldier, but his breath flounders. A burning ache settles in his chest, more painful than any other wound he’s ever had, and he knows, to his own detriment, that even a knife through the heart would be nothing more than a benign injury compared to this. _

_ This pain… is completely out of this world. _

_ Heejae swallows the knot impairing his breathing and takes her hand, cupping it in his own two. He doesn’t dare look at her face—he doesn’t want this gruesome scene to be permanently carved into his memory, as he knows he will carry it through the infinite cycle of life and death he’s found himself stuck in. But he can’t fool himself. It’s already too late for wishful thinking. _

_ ‘This world is dark… and it’s so hard to breathe…’ _

_ Heejae brings her hand to his lips, pressing them onto her digits, and his eyes shut right. For the first time in his life, he has to fight back his tears. The foreign and unsettling sensation is so unpleasant to him that he wishes death could carry him away, too. The agony and distress he’s overcome with only amplifies as his shaking limbs struggle to hold on to her, and he chokes on his own repressed sob. A tear rolls down his cheek despite him. _

_ ‘I have been blinded for so long, hanging on to false hope. But hope is nothing more than giving up. A word that holds no true meaning. Minjae… I see it now. You were right.’ _

_ He hears screams all around him, close, and yet who sound so distant all the same. Someone calls his name, but he doesn’t find the strength to reply to them. She mattered more to him than anything else ever would. And his own carelessness took her away from him in an instant. _

_ ‘They say love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, but how are you supposed to cope when that love is ripped away from you ? I allowed myself to fall victim to its false promises, despite myself. And this love will leave a hole in me that can never be filled. This emptiness… is unbearable.’ _

_ Heejae delicately puts down her hand, as if scared of breaking her, and he wraps his arms around her lifeless body. He holds her against him, tightly, letting her blood soak his clothes without a care. He wants to curse this world with all his might, for giving him such a gift only to cruelly take it away from him all too soon. But nothing comes out of his mouth. _

_ ‘This world is hopeless. But I am a fool no longer. Today, my eyes are wide open. Yes… it’s all so clear to me now.’ _

**I AM IN HELL.**

Jongwoon lets out a heavy sigh and looks down at his hands, still shaking uncontrollably from the panic that’s been plaguing his mind since he woke up about an hour ago. He thought going out to sit by the pool to get some fresh air and write would help calm down his racing nerves, but it seems it was too much for him to hope in the end.

He’s never felt so lost in his entire life, and for the very first time, he thinks he might actually be completely helpless. He’s been a target of guilt for as long as he can remember, but he can’t recall another time where this feeling had been so pressing he could actually _ feel _ the physical pain of his heart getting crushed by it.

And he’s so angry. He’s so mad at himself for what he’s done earlier, for how brutally he’s pushed Ryeowook away despite him by stopping him from saying those words he both craves and absolutely dreads at the same time. He wants to beat himself up so badly, because there was his chance to truly face the fact that he’s not imagining all of this—and he’s let it slip away from him just like that, because he’s so fucking stupid and weak and pathetic, all the while potentially hurting Ryeowook’s feelings in the process. The boy had been too dazed to say anything, and he might not have even realized what was happening in the first place, but just the possibility that he may have deeply upset him is something Jongwoon considers unforgivable.

He’s never hated himself more in his entire life, and he has no fucking clue how he can fix the situation he’s caused—the only option he can come up with is running away and breaking up with Ryeowook before he can hurt him more, but it’s something he knows he’ll never have the strength of doing, even if he truly believes it’s what’s best for the boy. Jongwoon is just too messed up, more than he himself was aware of up until recently, and Ryeowook shouldn’t have to put up with that.

Jongwoon shuts down his laptop and grabs his phone from the pocket of his robe he stole from their room’s closet. It’s past one in the morning, but he really needs to talk to someone before he goes insane, so he doesn’t think twice before texting Heechul to ask him if he’s still up. His friend has a tendency to stay up very late usually, even if he has to work early the next day, so he hopes to high heavens that he’s still awake because calling Jungsoo—whom he knows for a fact barely even sleeps—to talk about his relationship problems when the man is in the middle of a custody battle with his ex-wife doesn’t sound like a great idea.

He wouldn’t be surprised if the entire hotel could hear the sigh of relief that escapes him when Heechul replies within a minute, and without giving his friend any other explanation, Jongwoon decides to call him, because he doesn’t think he can put all of his thoughts into words through text. Not this time.

“On a scale of one to ten, how badly did you fuck up ?” Heechul greets him immediately. The fact that he just _ knows _ why Jongwoon would call him at this hour doesn’t even faze the man—Heechul basically knows him by heart at this point.

“Eleven,” Jongwoon responds without giving it a thought. “It’s really bad, Heechul.”

“Alright, alright,” Heechul nods. “Take a deep breath and tell me what happened.”

Jongwoon inhales deeply through his nose. “Ryeowook told me he loved me.”

The awful, awkwardly long pause that follows is very telling of Heechul’s understanding of the situation. He sees everything now.

“What did you do ?” Heechul almost whispers, terrified of the answer his friend is going to give him.

“I’ll have to rephrase what I just said,” Jongwoon corrects. “He _ would’ve _ told me he loved me if I didn’t stop him the second I realized what was going on.”

“_Oh_,” Heechul exclaims. “Oh god. Okay, yeah, it’s bad.”

“Bad is a fucking understatement,” Jongwoon adds, chuckling bitterly.

“What happened next ? How did he react ?” Heechul inquires, worried.

“I think he was too dazed at the time to fully understand what happened,” Jongwoon admits without shame. “I’m just scared of how he’s going to take it once he wakes up and it dawns on him that his boyfriend is a huge fucking _ asshole_.”

“You’re not an asshole, Jongwoon,” Heechul almost scolds him. “You’re hurt, it’s not the same. I know it doesn’t excuse asshole behaviour, but it’s an explanation you can give Ryeowook to at least avoid making things _ worse_.”

“What the hell am I supposed to even tell him ?” Jongwoon nearly panics. “No matter how I can try to explain it to him, I have no idea how to avoid making it sound like I’m not over my ex and making him feel like a fucking _ rebound_.”

“You don’t have to talk about Hyukjae specifically,” Heechul clarifies. “You can talk about the relationship in general and how toxic it was. Focus on your _ feelings_, not on Hyukjae himself. I know it’s hard for you to do, but you don’t have a choice here. It’s either that or you drive him away, and I don’t think that’s what you want to happen.”

Jongwoon hates to admit it, but Heechul is completely right. The idea of dumping this stuff onto Ryeowook makes him sick to his stomach, but he’s got no options left, so he’s going to have to accept it and grow some balls, for once. He’s not ready to open up like this, not by a long shot, but he’s backed himself into a corner and it’s either that or he loses Ryeowook for real, and he knows that scenario is going to be exponentially harder to deal with than to bare out his wounds.

“Can I ask you a question ?” Jongwoon suddenly asks, a deep sadness lingering under his calmer tone. 

“Sure,” Heechul encourages, ready for whatever Jongwoon’s about to throw his way.

“Was I happy with Hyukjae ?”

It’s not a question Heechul would’ve expected, but he understands where it’s coming from—and he also knows Jongwoon needs a genuine answer, whether it hurts him or not, so Heechul actually takes some time to think about it.

“I think you tried to convince yourself that you were,” he hums, still thinking about which words to use. “You may have been for a time, but I think that, overall… no, you weren’t happy. And I’d even say you were borderline miserable by the time you broke up with him.”

Jongwoon purses his lips, nodding in agreeance. “Thank you. I think I needed to hear that.”

“What gives ?” Heechul pitches.

“Jongjin commented on one of my posts with Ryeowook on Instagram,” Jongwoon replies, immediately understanding what Heechul is hinting at. “He said I looked happy with him.”

“He’s not wrong,” Heechul acknowledges. “I know he makes you panic, but Geng’s right when he says he’s doing good things to you. Probably in more ways than one.”

Jongwoon coughs when he tries to stifle a laugh at Heechul’s stupid joke. Damn. He needed this, too.

“So don’t let him go,” Heechul adds. “And try to reach out to Jongjin. That’ll do you some good too.”

“I did,” Jongwoon confesses. “And he replied, but I still haven’t gathered the courage to open his messages.”

“You’re a fucking coward, Kim Jongwoon,” Heechul snickers. “I can’t believe you’re the same guy who used to beat up bullies in school without breaking a sweat. Are you sure you’re the real one ?”

“I don’t even know myself, to be honest,” Jongwoon laughs almost dejectedly. “But I’ll try to find him.”

“You better. The Jongwoon I know is less scary than the one you are now,” Heechul jokes.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods. “I don’t like who I am now either. But… thank you. For being there for me even when I’m acting like a complete dumbass.”

“No problem,” Heechul assures him cheerfully. “Dealing with dumbasses is my specialty.”

“Are you talking about Geng or yourself there ?” Jongwoon jabs at him.

“Definitely _ myself_,” Heechul joins in. “But I’ll be smart for once and tell you to go join Ryeowook now. And try to talk things through with him.”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks again, Heechul. I owe you one.”

There’s a newfound resolve that settles inside of him when he hangs up, and he feels a lot lighter and at peace with himself now. Although he’s still deadly afraid of the talk he knows he’s going to be forced to have with Ryeowook, he’s willing to bypass this for his sake—for the sake of their relationship before it’s too late to turn back and fix everything. His fear of losing him is much greater than his apprehension toward opening up. It’s not courage. It’s a determination that stems from weakness, but Jongwoon’s going to have to settle for that for now.

Careful not to make any abrupt noise, Jongwoon walks into their room and slowly shuts the door behind him, flinching when he hears the clicking sound ring louder than he would’ve liked. Ryeowook is a relatively heavy sleeper, but he doesn’t sleep like a brick either—and Jongwoon found that he’s a lot easier to wake up when the man hasn’t been there with him for a while, which is definitely the case now, too.

The room is pitch black, so Jongwoon can’t tell if Ryeowook is awake or not at all. He can’t even discern the shape of the bed as he blindly walks up to it, probably more cautiously than he needs to, and he places the robe and his laptop down at the foot of the bed before climbing under the covers.

Ryeowook quietly whines, and Jongwoon internally curses himself. Fuck. He’s woken him up.

“Don’t go,” Ryeowook slurs inaudibly—Jongwoon can barely make up the syllables, and he’s not even sure he’s heard properly—as he catches his boyfriend’s thigh in his arms.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Jongwoon whispers fondly, gently petting Ryeowook’s hair to soothe him. “Go back to sleep. I’m right here with you.”

“I dreamed that you left,” Ryeowook blurts out, holding on to his leg even tighter. “I thought it was real.”

Jongwoon bites his lower lip, wondering whether or not he should tell Ryeowook it wasn’t a dream he was having, but that he probably just became aware of him getting out of bed and leaving to go sit by the pool. He decides that maybe he should, so Ryeowook would see that he’s coming back to him instead of leaving.

“I just went out to get some fresh air because I couldn’t sleep,” Jongwoon explains calmly, hand still brushing through Ryeowook’s soft hair. “But I’m here now. So you don’t have to worry.”

Ryeowook doesn’t reply for a good minute or two, and Jongwoon thinks he might’ve fallen asleep again until the boy props himself up on his arms to sit up, to the older man’s absolute confusion.

“Did you have another nightmare..?” Ryeowook questions sleepily.

_ Basically_, Jongwoon answers to himself, except this time he was perfectly awake.

“No, I just had a lot on my mind, that’s all,” Jongwoon confesses. “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow, if you want. It’s late. You should go back to sleep.”

Jongwoon can practically hear Ryeowook’s sleepy brain trying to process the information he’s giving him, and he smiles to himself imagining the cute little confused pout he knows he’s making right now.

“Is it because of what happened at the store today ?” Ryeowook eventually guesses. He doesn’t want to push Jongwoon into talking, but he fully intends to take the open door Jongwoon’s left him by essentially admitting to him he’s open to talking about whatever’s troubling him before he changes his mind. Tomorrow is too far away.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Jongwoon responds. “And I don’t know if this is the right time to talk about it since you just woke up and you’re clearly still tired.”

“I want to know,” Ryeowook insists. “If you feel like talking about it now, you should do it. I’m here to listen. I’m fine.”

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. It’s now or never, he reckons, and he decides to believe and trust Ryeowook when he says he’s open to it now; he wants to take advantage of his resolve while it’s still there, too. He doesn’t know how long it’ll last before he falls back into his old habits.

“I don’t… even know where to start,” Jongwoon admits after a while, unable to find a way to introduce the subject to Ryeowook without shaking him too much. “I’m not used to this.”

“Talking about your problems ?” Ryeowook verifies.

“Yeah,” the man nods. “That and… being with someone who genuinely wants to listen to me like you do. I’ve always been the one to act like a pillar for other people. I feel weak and ridiculous doing this.”

“You’re not, though,” Ryeowook cuts in, taking Jongwoon’s hand in his. “Talking about your feelings isn’t weakness. It’s okay to lean on other people if you need support. I meant it when I said I want to be there for you. I promise I won’t think you’re weak, no matter what you tell me.”

There’s complete silence on Jongwoon’s part for a moment; Ryeowook is convinced the man is going to go back on his decision and close himself up again until he’s pulled into a nearly suffocating embrace by his boyfriend, and it takes the younger man a few moments to return the spontaneous gesture, unsure of what’s happening exactly.

“I don’t fucking deserve you,” Jongwoon breathes out into the crook of his neck. “I’m so sorry I constantly try to push you away when all you want is to help. I’m dealing with so many things that don’t even make sense to me and it’s making me act irrational sometimes, and I’m really, really sorry.”

Ryeowook doesn’t say anything, not wanting to cut Jongwoon off and interrupt him when he’s finally letting it all out. He wants to listen, and he wants Jongwoon to know that too.

“You’re making me realize just how much I’ve lied to myself all these years by showing me how much brighter things could be than what I convinced myself of, and it’s just… it’s making me question everything I thought I knew before I met you.”

Ryeowook tightens his hold on his boyfriend. He can feel the hurt in his voice, and he sounds so lost and vulnerable that the only thing the boy wants right now is to protect him from the outside world—and he’s hurting for him, because it’s so painful to him to see Jongwoon so broken and wounded like this. Ryeowook had guessed Jongwoon went through a lot, but he hadn’t imagined he could’ve been this messed up deep down, because the man is too good at concealing things, even when his mask cracks.

“What do you mean ?” Ryeowook encourages him, and he can feel Jongwoon’s shoulder rise and fall as the man takes a deep breath.

“I was stuck in a very toxic relationship for almost three years,” Jongwoon finally confesses, voice shaking from being on the verge of tears—it’s painful to talk about it, not only because of the memories coming up to the surface all at once, but also because he’s so fucking terrified it’ll cause Ryeowook to question things that it makes his stomach churn just imagining this scenario. Unfortunately for him now, it’s much too late to turn back down and drop the subject, so he has to push through it and continue as much as it hurts. “I knew I was unhappy, but instead of facing the truth, I tried to convince myself this was the best I could get and that I didn’t deserve better. And… it broke me. I thought I was fine for a while, but then you came along and made me see what it was like to be with someone who isn’t toxic and abusive and doesn’t use you to get what they want, and it made me realize just how messed up what I had back then was. And I guess I just… I don’t know how to handle all of that.”

There are a lot of things that start making sense to Ryeowook now, especially regarding how much Jongwoon spaces out whenever he does something for him or how much he shuts off when he tries to get him to open up and rely on him—it’s not something he’s used to, quite the contrary actually, so it must come as something completely abnormal to him. He doesn’t blame Jongwoon if it’s caused him to second-guess his intentions, and he’s glad the man sees that he’s actually being genuine and not just putting on a show to get something out of it.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Jongwoon declares with absolute certainty. “So I’ll try my hardest to stop overthinking so much and being so closed off, but if I fuck up… please forgive me. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t know what happened between you and your ex, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to talk about it,” Ryeowook speaks before shifting his position so he’s sitting on his haunches between Jongwoon’s legs, “but I’m not him, and I won’t leave you for making mistakes from time to time.” Ryeowook can barely make out the outline of Jongwoon’s face in the dark, but it’s just enough for him to be able to reach out to it to place his hand on the man’s cheek, and takes a deep breath. “This is how _ I _ feel, and you don’t have to say it back. _ I know. _ But I love you, Jongwoon, and it’ll take more than that to change my mind.”

Jongwoon’s heart skips a beat then, but this time, it’s not an unwelcome thing—he realizes now just how much he needed to hear those words, as terrifying as they are to him, and Ryeowook can feel the way his lips curve into a giant smile right before Jongwoon leans forward to capture him into a slow but intense kiss. It’s a reaction Ryeowook can get behind, because Jongwoon’s not pushing him away—he’s taking him in with open arms, and he’s finally opening up to him, and it’s all the boy wants in the end.

“You know, I have to congratulate you,” Kyuhyun exclaims seemingly out of nowhere. They were eating breakfast in silence up until now, and Sungmin has no idea what the hell his friend is even talking about. “Ryeowook’s been gone for two weeks in another country _ with Jongwoon _ and I haven’t heard you freak out about it once. Is this character development I’m witnessing ?”

If looks could kill, Kyuhyun would’ve been smitten out of existence by the glare Sungmin shoots at him then.

“It’s not that I’m not worried, it’s just… As much as I hate to admit it, Jongwoon made a point when he said Ryeowook might be hurting because of me, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Well, the daddy issues comment was way out of line,” Kyuhyun recalls, nodding. “Attacking his boyfriend probably didn’t help either.”

“I _ know _ that,” Sungmin rolls his eyes at him. “You really aren’t helping here. I’m being serious. I don’t like the guy and I still definitely think he’s shady, but… I don’t know. I’m conflicted because Ryeowook genuinely seems like he loves him, and as bad as he is at choosing the right people to hook up with, I can’t see him purposely staying in an abusive relationship unless Jongwoon literally brainwashed him.”

“Please don’t tell me you consider the idea that he did that,” Kyuhyun implores him, ready to call Sungmin out on his bullshit because this theory is just ridiculous.

“No !” Sungmin defends. “No, even that’s too far-fetched for me. I just don’t know what to think of it.”

Kyuhyun sighs. “Then don’t think. It’s clearly not good for you.”

“Well, I’m gonna have to think of a way to apologize to him,” Sungmin counters. “I don’t want our friendship to end over something so stupid, but I fucked up really bad so I don’t think ‘sorry’ is gonna cut it.”

“Maybe start by accepting the fact that he and Jongwoon are together and there’s nothing you can change about that,” Kyuhyun deadpans. “I know it’s hard for you to believe that, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy. There are things you can’t fake, and the dude really does look like he cares about Ryeowook.”

“He has a really weird way of showing it,” Sungmin mumbles.

“People are weird sometimes,” Kyuhyun argues. “What matters is that their weirdness matches and makes them happy.”

“I hate that you’re so weirdly knowledgeable about how relationships should be despite being the most single person I’ve ever known,” Sungmin complains.

“I _ love _ that every time I give good advice, my relationship status is brought up,” Kyuhyun mocks. “Why does _ this _ have to be the running gag ?” Realizing he sounded angrier than he intended to, Kyuhyun shakes his head to collect himself. “Anyway. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m right.”

“Yeah,” Sungmin concedes begrudgingly. “I still wonder how he’s doing. He comes back today, doesn’t he ?”

“Supposed to,” Kyuhyun shrugs, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I saw Ryeowook post some pictures on Instagram the other day. He seemed to be having fun, so I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Look.”

Kyuhyun turns his phone over to Sungmin to show him what he was talking about—it’s a picture of them in what appears to be a nightclub, cuddled up together in a booth, and Sungmin has to admit that Kyuhyun’s right. Ryeowook does genuinely look happy in this, which helps appease him a little.

Curious, Sungmin taps on the picture to see if he’s tagged Jongwoon in it, and indeed, he has; the username _ kjw2408 _ pops up over Jongwoon’s face, and Sungmin stares at it for a minute to ponder over whether or not it’s a good idea to click on it and stalk the guy.

Kyuhyun seems to notice something’s bubbling in his friend’s mind, because the next minute, he’s scooting his chair over to see what Sungmin’s been staring at this whole time. He understands immediately upon seeing Jongwoon’s username what he’s thinking about, and he gives him an expectant look from the side.

“Should we..?” Sungmin suggests, although he can’t help feeling guilty about it a little.

“Why not ?” Kyuhyun shrugs. “If his account is public, where’s the harm in that ?”

“You have a point.”

Seeing as Sungmin still hesitates to click on it, Kyuhyun does it for him, and the page shifts to Jongwoon’s account. It looks fairly normal at first glance, but something immediately catches Kyuhyun’s attention before Sungmin has the chance to start scrolling down to look at his posts and pictures.

“What the fuck,” Kyuhyun exclaims. “The dude nearly has three hundred thousand followers ? What—”

“I don’t see how that’s a big deal,” Sungmin wonders.

“How many people do you know besides actual celebrities who have such a huge following ?”

“No, but what does it matter—”

“It means Ryeowook is basically dating an _ influencer_,” Kyuhyun states, but there’s a sort of malice in his voice that tells Sungmin he’s planning something. “You know, the thing he always complains about because he thinks it’s ridiculous that people get famous just because they’re pretty and have a phone ? I am _ so _ going to bully him for it. This is gold.”

“... of course you would,” Sungmin sighs, disappointed. “Should have seen it coming.”

“Hey, don’t be jealous because I’m a genius,” Kyuhyun jabs.

Sungmin decides his best course of action is to ignore him, because bantering will lead to nothing but his friend inflating his own ego, and he’d rather avoid that if he can. Kyuhyun is annoying. And he hates that the guy is weirdly too likeable despite that for him to reconsider their friendship.

Sighing again, Sungmin starts scrolling down, and he doesn’t need to go very far to see the _ spam_—this is the best way he can describe it, because there are _ a lot_—of pictures of their trip the man posted, ranging from just landscape photos to some of Ryeowook in embarrassing situations—which he has to admit are pretty funny—to more of them together, and he even surprises himself thinking they’re actually kind of a cute couple, overall. The thought is shaken away almost immediately, but he’s still left bitter that it even crossed his mind in the first place.

Still, he can’t help but think that the fact that Jongwoon looks so comfortable showcasing his relationship to so many people is somewhat reassuring, especially since none of these photos give him the previous impressions he’s had of him acting weirdly possessive of Ryeowook. He’s not ashamed of it, nor does he treat Ryeowook like some kind of guarded secret he doesn’t want the world to know about. That’s at least one thing he can use to console himself, although it’s just by a small amount.

“They are so _ gross_,” Kyuhyun coos, bringing Sungmin back to reality. “I kinda love that.”

“They look like a… _ normal couple_,” Sungmin painfully admits.

It’s about as much of a compliment Kyuhyun knows he can get from him, but it’s a start, so he’ll take it as a huge improvement.

Grabbing his phone back from Sungmin’s hands, Kyuhyun clicks on one of the posts at random, which turns out to be one with multiple photos of them in that same nightclub the booth photo from Ryeowook’s account was taken from, and he swipes through them absentmindedly without expecting much except more cheesiness until something he thinks he probably shouldn’t even have looked at catches his attention.

The picture looks very normal in and of itself; it’s just the two of them, side by side, Jongwoon’s hand reaching up to pet Ryeowook’s hair. The man is looking down at him intently from above—it fully hits Kyuhyun now just how much of a height difference they actually have, as he’d never really paid attention to it before—but glancing just a little bit down proves to be a huge mistake, and he’s almost scared of what he’s witnessing.

“What the hell is that..?” Kyuhyun wonders out loud, and he takes a screenshot of it so he can zoom in on the picture under Sungmin’s completely confused stare. “I— I’m hurting for Ryeowook. How the hell can he—”

Sungmin looks down at the zoomed in picture to realize to his absolute dismay that Kyuhyun is referring to Jongwoon’s crotch, and he doesn’t know whether he should just murder his friend right then and there or pour bleach in his eyes, because this is the last thing he wanted to see.

“Do you think the dude’s wearing a packer or that it’s just a trick of the eye because of the lighting ?” Kyuhyun asks, and Sungmin can’t fucking believe that his friend is actually being serious about this.

“Do you seriously want to have a conversation about Jongwoon’s dick ? Over breakfast on top of that ?”

“Maybe that’s where he stores all of his money,” Kyuhyun theorizes, unfazed by Sungmin’s comment.

“I’m honestly gonna start thinking you want to have sex with him.”

“Nah, he’s not my type,” Kyuhyun rebuts, weirdly nonchalant about this whole thing. “First of all, he’s a dude, and that’s all I need to be turned off. I’m just… wondering.”

“Kyuhyun, you’re about as straight as a bender ruler,” Sungmin calls him out, almost baffled at his friend’s poor attempt at making him believe otherwise.

“... wait, you think I’m gay ?” Kyuhyun blinks in surprise, because he’s known Sungmin since they were in preschool, and he can’t believe his longest friend doesn’t even know _ that _ about him.

“... you’re not ?”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Kyuhyun shakes his head, trying to be serious, but the quiet little snort he can’t suppress gives him away. “This is hilarious, I can’t—”

The whole Jongwoon situation long forgotten, Kyuhyun nearly falls off his chair when he throws himself back in laughter and the two front legs lift off the ground. Sungmin doesn’t know if he should laugh with him or not, because truly, he’s embarrassed now.

“Out of curiosity though,” Kyuhyun begins, trying to calm himself down, “what made you think I was ?”

“The only time I’ve ever heard you say you have a crush on someone was for Choi Siwon,” Sungmin reminds him, “and you’re still practically in love with the guy five years later.”

“Okay, for that I can’t blame you, but who _ doesn’t _ have a crush on Choi Siwon ?”

“... touché.”

“I can’t believe it’s already over,” Ryeowook mumbles to himself as Jongwoon lifts their luggage up on the baggage conveyor. “It feels like it went in a flash.”

“It was really fun,” Jongwoon agrees. “The most I’ve had in a while. Thank you for coming with me.” Jongwoon reaches over to place his hand at the back of Ryeowook’s head to push him closer to him, and leans down to leave a kiss on the top of his forehead.

“You needed that break,” Ryeowook jokes as they make their way to the gate. “God knows I needed it too.”

“Sungmin ?” Jongwoon guesses.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook sighs. “I don’t really know what’s gotten into him. Even for him, that’s out of character. I’m still sorry for what he did to you.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Jongwoon assures him. “It’s not your fault.”

“I feel like it _ sort of _ is, though,” Ryeowook presses. “He thinks you’re abusive because I don’t want to give him an explanation for everything he’s seen. It’s just that somehow I feel like it would make things worse ?”

“You don’t think he would understand ?” Jongwoon checks.

Ryeowook shakes his head. “I think he’d probably believe you’re grooming me to be your sex slave or something like that. He’s like… one of the biggest virgins I’ve ever met. And by that I mean he also knows nothing about sex aside from the basics, so I don’t think he’d be able to understand it even if I tried to explain it to him.”

“A lot of people don’t really get it,” Jongwoon shrugs. “They like to base their judgement off of their own outside perspective and don’t bother listening to people who _ have _ had firsthand experience with it. That’s part of the reason it took me a while to bring it up with you.”

“Because you thought I wouldn’t get it ?”

“Because thrusting someone blindly into that world isn’t good practice,” Jongwoon corrects. “So if you don’t think Sungmin is ready to hear about it, you made the right decision not telling him. Don’t blame yourself for that, okay ?”

“... okay,” Ryeowook nods. “I hate that you always know what to tell me to make me feel better.”

“You _ hate _ ?” Jongwoon chuckles, pulling him next to him so they can get in line.

“Yes,” Ryeowook insists, but his overexaggerated tone lets Jongwoon know he’s just joking. “It’s like you can read me like an open book and you shouldn’t have this much power over me.”

Jongwoon’s gaze grows darker suddenly, and he leans over to bring his lips right next to Ryeowook’s ear. “I don’t think that’s a fair complaint, given you agreed to submit power over to me by dating me. I’m just doing my job, and I can make it so much worse for you if you push me enough.”

Jongwoon’s low and gravelly voice immediately turns Ryeowook’s playful mood to something else entirely; he suddenly feels like he’s shrunk down to the size of a small child next to his boyfriend, and his limbs grow so heavy he’s certain he would’ve fallen on his ass if it weren’t for Jongwoon’s firm grip around his waist.

Ryeowook doesn’t know what Jongwoon means by _ worse _ exactly, but he has no doubt the man’s not just saying it to scare him—and there’s a part of him that’s really curious to see what it entails. He’s learned a lot more about Jongwoon these past two weeks than he’s had during the six months they’ve been together, and there are a lot of things he’s been able to guess by reading between the lines; Jongwoon’s not just all bark and no bite, as much as he’s been lenient on him all this time.

“You’re really cute when you get flustered,” Jongwoon coos, still speaking low enough that only Ryeowook or a really attentive ear could hear. “And you don’t seem as nervous as you were to fly when we came here.”

Ryeowook stays surprised at this statement for a minute—he hadn’t noticed that his usual jitters and anxiety when it comes to taking the plane are seemingly inexistent this time around.

“I think you help a lot,” Ryeowook blushes, somewhat embarrassed to admit it.

“Even if you hate it ?” Jongwoon throws back at him playfully.

This comment earns him a quick but light hit on the chest from the back of Ryeowook’s hand. He pretends to be hurt by it, but his poor acting skills betray him right away. This is normally the sort of thing he’d get back at Ryeowook for, but he’s in a good mood today, so he decides to let it slide for now as they get in the plane down to their seats in business class.

Jongwoon’s actually been in a lot lighter mood since the night he opened up to Ryeowook a little over a week ago, to his own surprise. He hasn’t said much concerning his actual relationship with Hyukjae or why it’s fucked him up so badly, but he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders—he doesn’t remember the last time he’s felt so carefree, and he thinks he should probably do something to show Ryeowook how thankful he truly is once they get back home.

He also sees it as a huge improvement that he was able to—at least partially—get over his fear of attachment by letting Ryeowook tell him he loves him, even if he hasn’t been able to say it back. It’s not that he doesn’t; because God knows his feelings for the boy are actually this intense, and he’s aware of it too now, but there’s something that stops him from saying it out loud, and he’s going to need to figure that out to solve this issue. For now, he’s just glad Ryeowook doesn’t seem to have any expectations about it, and that’s a huge relief by itself.

He doesn’t want to lose him over something like that.

Ryeowook does seem to get a little nervous once they’ve sat down and are left waiting for take off, but it’s nothing that comes off as truly alarming; all Jongwoon needs to do is to take his hand in his to put him at ease, and by the time the plane has fully lifted off the ground, Ryeowook looks as calm as he could be. He actually looks a bit drowsy, which makes Jongwoon smile knowing the reason his baby is so tired—they’ve definitely made use of their last night on their trip to its fullest potential, at the cost of a good night’s sleep.

Without a word, Jongwoon pulls Ryeowook’s upper half against his side, and he makes him lay his head on his shoulder so he can relax and rest. Ryeowook definitely welcomes the silent suggestion and closes his eyes, although he doesn’t actually end up falling asleep.

Ryeowook opens one eye when he feels Jongwoon shift in his seat and reach down to grab something from his bag, only to see him take out his laptop and pull up the retractable table from the side of his seat.

“You’re already getting back to work ?” Ryeowook questions, shutting his eyes once more and cuddling up to Jongwoon even closer.

“I’m not, actually,” Jongwoon rectifies. “I’m making a list of things I need for Heechul’s birthday that’s coming up soon. I just hate to write on my phone.”

“I’d still consider it work,” Ryeowook chuckles. “When’s his birthday ?”

“It’s on the tenth, but we’re doing it this Friday evening so that everyone—or most of us, anyway—can attend,” Jongwoon explains as he opens up the notepad on his laptop. “Including you, if you want to. I’m gonna be hosting it, so if you want to stay home with me, you can.”

At first, Ryeowook is thrilled at the idea of meeting Jongwoon’s friends, and a tickling warmth buoys up within him at the thought that Jongwoon is so casually bringing it up to him, but it doesn’t take very long before it’s replaced by something less pleasant. Although he really wants to get acquainted with the people Jongwoon considers important in his life, he feels like doing it at a party—for someone’s birthday, on top of that—adds an extra pressure Ryeowook doesn’t know if he can handle. He’s been to a lot of parties where he barely knew anyone, but this is different, and it’s one time where their age gap might also be a problem. This isn’t some frat party with people his age; it’s one with people he assumes are around their thirties, with jobs and stable lives, and he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to even fit in and have conversations with them without making it awkward for everyone.

Jongwoon notices that something’s up almost as soon as Ryeowook’s expression shifts to worry, and he doesn’t really need to ask what’s on his mind to have a good guess of what he’s getting anxious about.

“You can invite your own friends if it makes you more comfortable,” Jongwoon suggests.

“Won’t Heechul find it weird that complete strangers are there, though ?” Ryeowook worries.

“I don’t think he’ll even notice,” Jongwoon chuckles. “He’s probably gonna get drunk really quickly and cling to his boyfriend all night. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Can I think about it ?” Ryeowook questions after a moment of silent reflection.

“Of course,” Jongwoon agrees immediately before leaning over to kiss him on the top of his head. “Take all the time you need.”

Ryeowook hugs Jongwoon tighter as a ‘thank you’. Words can’t describe how much he appreciates how understanding and considerate Jongwoon always is with him. It’s nice to be with someone who doesn’t put pressure on you to do anything, and it’s a change from what he’s known before, despite it being limited to random hook ups.

Jongwoon isn’t the only one who’s realizing how much better things can be with this relationship, although his experience is a lot more emotionally intense than Ryeowook’s, with good reason.

To say Ryeowook regrets agreeing to hang out with Kyuhyun the next day would almost be a massive understatement, the ‘_almost_’ only coming from the fact that he hasn’t seen his friend in a while and he misses him, as much as he hates to admit it. But seeing as _ Sungmin _ also tagged along, which he knows for a fact is something Kyuhyun has purposely planned for, he might take back this claim, because his (former ?) friend is just about the last person he wants to see right now.

He has considered the idea of making up with him, but it seems that seeing him again only served to reignite his anger when he remembers everything that happened between them, and he’s ready to throw fists with Kyuhyun the minute they’re out of the café they’re currently in.

Needless to say, this whole situation is extremely awkward, and despite it being something Kyuhyun anticipated, even he feels uncomfortable about it and thinks, in hindsight, that maybe it was a bad idea. At least they’re in public, so the chances for a public fight are very low, but that’s the only thing he can console himself with.

“I think I’m gonna go back home,” Sungmin suddenly blurts out, finally putting an end to the excruciating silence weighing down on them.

Sungmin stands up, only to be pulled down and forced back on his seat by Kyuhyun, who’s sitting next to him opposite Ryeowook.

“No, you stay there,” Kyuhyun asserts. “You had something to say to him, and I’m not letting you chicken out like you’ve been doing with Saeun for way too long.”

“If it’s an apology, I _ know _ he’s sorry,” Ryeowook interjects. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he went way out of line by assaulting Jongwoon. The comments you made, I could’ve forgiven after some time, even if they really hurt. But this ? What the hell were you thinking ?”

“I… I have no idea what I was thinking, actually,” Sungmin admits shamefully. “I honestly don’t know, I swear. I think I just panicked because I got really worried. I mean, you can’t blame me for that, right ? You have to admit that bruises on someone’s body isn’t normally a _ good thing_.”

Ryeowook wants to retort and tell him to mind his business, that this doesn’t concern him, but he remembers what Jongwoon’s told him the day before at the airport—how he himself admitted that he understands how someone with no knowledge of what they’re doing can see it as abusive, and that’s basically what’s happening with Sungmin here. He’s speaking from a place of ignorance, so Ryeowook _ can’t _ really blame him for that, as much as it angers him that he doesn’t want to trust him when he says Jongwoon isn’t a bad person.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook mumbles. “Yeah, I get that, but it’s really not what you think. It’s just hard to explain, and I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it.”

“Try me,” Sungmin challenges, and Ryeowook can tell he’s actually honest about wanting to know the truth with the way he’s looking at him.

Ryeowook scans around the café quickly to try and see if anyone could be eavesdropping on them, and there’s something at the back of his mind that wants to laugh at the fact that he always seems to be having these very private and intimate conversations in very public spaces, like it’s some sort of curse or the work of some evil force he can’t see.

“I, hum…” Ryeowook hesitates. He’s talked about his sex life with them before, but this is on a totally different level of detail and he’s not sure he even _ wants _ to go through with it. “I like it when he’s rough with me, so it’s normal in this case that it leaves bruises. I don’t mind them.”

Sungmin stares at him wide-eyed. He thinks he should’ve expected this answer, but hearing it from Ryeowook’s own mouth is almost like a slap in the face for him. He knows for a fact that Ryeowook is far from innocent, but he didn’t know he could be into that sort of thing. He’s probably more surprised by it than he should be, but he can’t help it. Even if he knows the truth, he still gets fooled by Ryeowook’s cute baby face sometimes, and this is one of those cases.

“See, I told you you weren’t ready,” Ryeowook calls out, and he doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or get upset. Probably both at the same time.

“I told him he should watch more porn, but he didn’t take my advice very seriously,” Kyuhyun chimes in to try and lighten up the mood before it gets too bad.

“He probably would’ve learned it wrong, then,” Ryeowook rolls his eyes. “Porn is for show. The real thing is different.”

“How so ?”

That’s a question Ryeowook would’ve expected from Kyuhyun, _ not _ from Sungmin, and he thinks for a second that he might’ve hallucinated things. He has no fucking clue where this sudden openness about his relationship comes from, but if it can salvage their broken friendship and at least prevent Sungmin from killing Jongwoon in his sleep, he’s going to capitalize on it.

“There’s a lot more rules to it than it looks,” Ryeowook explains. He’s trying to stay as vague as possible while also delivering the right amount of details, which proves to be a much harder task than Jongwoon makes it look when he does it with him. “They don’t really show that in porn. It’s kind of just assumed that one of them makes all the decisions and the other has no say in it, but that’s not how it works. I can tell Jongwoon to stop everything anytime I want and he’s gonna do it. It never feels like he’s forcing me to do things I don’t want to do or to put up with it even if I’m uncomfortable.”

“Look at you giving Sungmin the talk,” Kyuhyun coos, which earns him a death glare from Ryeowook—something he’s used to getting by now.

“I see…” Sungmin mumbles to himself. “... and you’re happy with him, right ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods, lightly blushing. “I know he can look scary, but he’s a really good guy once you get to know him.”

“I agree,” Kyuhyun adds, mostly as a joke.

“You talked to him like, once, and it lasted maybe five seconds” Sungmin points out.

“False, I did _ twice_,” Kyuhyun corrects. “The first time, he bought me coffee, and the second, he asked me to look after Ryeowook because he couldn’t be there for him.”

“He did ?” Sungmin exclaims, surprised.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms. “He’s probably just as protective of me as you are, if not more. He just shows it… differently.”

“Like beating people up ?” Sungmin recalls, but he doesn’t mean any harm by it—he’s no better, since he almost did the same thing with Jongwoon too.

“Don’t remind me,” Ryeowook sighs. “I’m just glad this story didn’t become bigger than it was.”

“I heard he apologized to Henry for being a dick after that,” Kyuhyun states. “Maybe next time he’ll apologize to you.”

“Doubtful,” Ryeowook dismisses. “But at least he leaves me alone now, so I guess in hindsight, I can’t really complain.”

“Speaking of apologizing,” Sungmin brings back. “I’m honestly really sorry for everything I did, Ryeowook. I can’t promise I’ll be best friends with Jongwoon, but if I ever see him again, I intend on apologizing to him too.”

“I won’t ask you to be best friends with him,” Ryeowook grimaces. “Just the thought kind of terrifies me. But… I appreciate it.”

“_Finally_,” Kyuhyun sighs in relief, throwing himself back onto his chair. “Please tell me this means it won’t be awkward and filled with tension at home anymore. I’m not made to live in these conditions.”

“Speaking of which, you’ve been paying rent all this time but do you have the intention of coming back home soon ?” Sungmin asks.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs. “I made a deal with you guys so I’ll continue to pay until the lease is over, but… I like living with Jongwoon too.” _ And I feel like he needs me to stay_, he thinks, but he doesn’t want to say it out loud. “But I might come back this weekend because he’s hosting a party for his friend’s birthday and I don’t know if I’m comfortable being there with a bunch of people I don’t know. He said I could invite whoever I want if it could make it better, but—”

“Yo, invite me,” Kyuhyun cuts him. He means to be cool about it, but he can’t conceal his slight offense that Ryeowook didn’t even consider this option.

“He would be a nice distraction by being more embarrassing than you could ever be even if you tried,” Sungmin concedes. “You should go and invite the others too. Meeting his friends isn’t like meeting his parents, but it’s still a big step, no ?”

“You should come too,” Ryeowook blurts out without thinking.

“Are you sure Jongwoon would be okay with that ?” Kyuhyun checks.

“If I tell him Sungmin wants to apologize and ask if he can come, I’m sure he’ll say yes,” Ryeowook shrugs.

“You think you have this kind of power ?” Kyuhyun jokes.

“Yeah, probably,” Ryeowook chuckles. “He said himself that he can’t say no to me, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t lying.”

“You should ask him to buy you a car or something,” Kyuhyun suggests.

“I won’t use him like that,” Ryeowook refuses, offended by the idea. He was already against Jongwoon spending money on him, and from what he’s gathered, he knows Jongwoon’s abusive ex did have a habit of exploiting his kindness, so he’s even more against doing such a thing.

“I know, I was just saying in case you change your mind,” Kyuhyun grins. “Speaking of Jongwoon though, wasn’t he supposed to come too ?”

“Oh god, I completely forgot about it,” Ryeowook facepalms, glancing at Sungmin from the corner of his eye. “Yeah, he had some errands to run first but he shouldn’t take much longer to be here. Which… might make things _ awkward_.”

Ryeowook hopes Sungmin won’t take the glare he sends Kyuhyun the wrong way, because despite being aware that Jongwoon would be joining them at some point, he _ still _ judged it right to ask Sungmin to tag along. He can’t tell if it’s another trick of his evil mastermind or if Kyuhyun is actually an inconsequential idiot behind his whole academic nerd exterior.

“Then the fact that Sungmin wants to apologize to him will work in my— _ our _ favour,” Kyuhyun cheers, probably a little too enthusiastic about the whole situation.

To be frank, he’s completely forgotten Ryeowook said Jongwoon might be coming too until now, but it’s not like he wants to admit that. He’s just lucky things worked out the way they did so he can pass it off as part of his plan to ‘bring the whole family together’, because the part about him not being cut to handle awkward tension is actually true.

“If you really _ did _ plan for this to happen, when you get poisoned in your sleep, it’s because you asked for it,” Sungmin grumbles. He really feels like leaving now, if only he hadn’t promised Ryeowook he’d apologize to Jongwoon if he ever has the chance to see him again. He really wants to save their friendship, and he knows it’s something he has to do in order to achieve that.

Jongwoon just really terrifies him, and he’s scared his presence will cause Ryeowook to go back on his decision to give him a chance to make amends and redeem himself.

“The guy isn’t the flashy type but he’s still… _ flashy_,” Kyuhyun suddenly speaks, bringing the two others’ attention to the window next to them to see Jongwoon getting out of his car.

Kyuhyun isn’t wrong; Jongwoon is the quiet and reserved type, and he doesn’t have a style that screams ‘look at me’ maybe aside from his silver hair—which is slowly turning back to black, as he hasn’t bothered to get them bleached again—but he still manages to stand out in a crowd just with his demeanor alone. It’s as if he were the main lead in a drama, with the camera constantly focusing on him, and in Kyuhyun’s mind, that’s probably why he thinks Jongwoon is so _ cool_.

“That’s the influencer speaking,” Kyuhyun then adds.

“He’s a lot more than just a pretty face, _ please_,” Ryeowook defends, squinting at his friend.

“Of course he is,” Kyuhyun quips, dramatically wiggling his eyebrows and grinning suggestively.

Ryeowook kicks him in the shin, making the taller man bend over to grab at his leg to try and soothe the pain because fuck, that hurt.

Jongwoon only notices them once he walks through the door, and Ryeowook notices the way he stops for a moment to stare in confusion at Sungmin sitting at the table with him and Kyuhyun. It doesn’t seem to deter him from coming up to them too much, though, because a few seconds later, the man is back at pretending nothing weird is happening—almost like he’s just ignoring Sungmin’s presence there altogether.

Ryeowook can’t stop smiling like an idiot when Jongwoon finally reaches them, and he’s so happy to see him even if they’ve only been apart for a little over an hour that he doesn’t find it in him to get embarrassed by the public display of affection when the man leans over his chair to greet him with a short kiss on the lips before taking a seat next to him.

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Jongwoon smiles at them, and it’s not clear if he’s being genuine or if he’s making a passive-aggressive comment about the Sungmin situation.

“Just Sungmin finally acting like a man and Ryeowook mentioning a birthday party,” Kyuhyun fills him in. This time, on top of another kick in the shin from Ryeowook, he gets his feet crushed by Sungmin. “And I’m a victim of domestic violence,” he fake-cries in response, hiding his pain behind a thick blanket of sarcasm. “He asked. I was just giving him an answer, you guys don’t have to be so mean.”

Jongwoon chuckles before turning his attention to Ryeowook, an arm casually leaning against the top of his chair. “Were you thinking of inviting them ?” he questions, hopeful.

“They were trying to convince me to go,” Ryeowook giggles a little. “We were just wondering because of, well…”

“Because of me,” Sungmin finishes for him. “It’s okay, you can say it. We all know.”

“I’m guessing you guys made up ?” Jongwoon wonders, leaving Sungmin surprised at the fact that there’s no bitterness or pent up anger coming from the man. He would’ve expected so, given what happened.

“I think ?” Ryeowook answers, looking at Sungmin for approval.

“I, hum…” Sungmin hesitates. “I wanted to apologize to you too. I acted like a real asshole with you and made accusations that were pretty much baseless, so yeah. I’m sorry.”

Jongwoon can tell how difficult it is for the guy to utter every word, but he knows deep down that it’s _ mostly _ sincere. He can sense some hostility lingering under somewhere, but it’s not like he even expected an apology in the first place, so he’ll take it.

“I guess I was acting suspiciously defensive with you,” Jongwoon sighs, half-relieved, half-resigned, and his hand absentmindedly reaches up to caress the nape of Ryeowook’s neck—this is usually something he does to calm his boyfriend down, but it’s comforting for him too.

Jongwoon doesn’t know if the recent events that caused him to open up have made him more sensitive or if it’s just the tone of their conversation that makes him anxious, but his heart is beating so loudly in his chest that the sound almost overpowers his thoughts. It’s not like him to feel so agitated over something like this usually, but there are a lot of things currently going on in his life right now that _ aren’t _ usual, so he reckons he shouldn’t question it so much.

“And I can’t really hold the threats of punching me against you, as weird as it sounds,” Jongwoon concedes, trying to ignore his frantic nerves playing tricks on him. “I did the same thing with the other asshole I don’t care to remember the name of.”

“At least you guys can relate to the fact that you’d both swap hands with anyone to protect Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun chips in.

“I guess so,” Sungmin agrees.

“Not the type of thing I would love them to get along for, but it’s _ something_,” Ryeowook complains.

“I promise I won’t _ ‘swap hands’ _ with you unless Ryeowook tells me to,” Sungmin swears then.

“Same goes for me,” Jongwoon concurs.

“_Whipped_,” Kyuhyun snickers. “Ryeowook holds too much power here. I’m kinda jealous.”

“It’s not like I asked for it,” Ryeowook defends. “Even if it came in handy and those two won’t fight anymore. That I really appreciate. So, thank you.”

Although he means it for both Jongwoon and Sungmin, Ryeowook’s attention is entirely directed toward Jongwoon, whom he’s staring up at with absolute adoration. Jongwoon smiles down at him before leaning to press a kiss on his temple, leaving Sungmin a little stunned but strangely happy to see just how comfortable Ryeowook is with him, and he thinks he’s starting to see what Kyuhyun means when he says all you needed to do was to watch the way Jongwoon looks at him to know he honestly cares a lot about him.

As for Kyuhyun, he doesn’t know whether he wants to cheer them on for being adorable as hell or to gag because they definitely are that gross and cheesy couple way too in love for it to be real.

“So,” Kyuhyun exclaims then, clapping his hands to bring everyone’s attention over to him. “You guys are really cute and all, but there’s a really important question I have that still didn’t get an answer for.”

Ryeowook rolls his eyes, fully expecting something really stupid, and no one bothers to ask Kyuhyun what it is. Not that they need to, anyway, because he’s going to tell them whether they want it or not.

“Does this mean that _ we _ get to go to this party you were talking about ?” he asks, pointing to both he and Sungmin.

“Depends on what _ he _ wants,” Jongwoon responds before looking down at his boyfriend, and he wraps his arm around his shoulders. “You don’t have to make a decision right away if you’re not ready, though. You still have time.”

Ryeowook chews on the inside of his cheek. “Are you sure you don’t mind ?”

“I’ll be fine with whatever you choose,” Jongwoon confirms, shrugging. “Don’t feel pressured.”

“Can I ask a few other people too ?” Ryeowook wonders. He thinks he might be pushing his luck, but he thinks he’d be most comfortable if _ all _ his close friends could attend. “I promise we won’t cause trouble.”

“I know, baby, don’t worry. You know I trust you and your judgement,” Jongwoon comforts him. “I just need to know how many for the catering.”

“Counting Kyuhyun, Sungmin and me, that would make six,” Ryeowook states. “Would that be okay ?”

“Not a problem at all,” Jongwoon assures him.

Ryeowook stares down at an invisible dot in the center of the table to think about his final decision, now that he has all the information that he needs. He knows Jongwoon won’t hold it against him if he chooses to go back home for the night, and he’s still really nervous about the whole thing, but he’s a lot more at ease now that he knows he’ll have his friends to lean on and this changes a lot.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll stay for the party,” Ryeowook tells him after a moment.

“Hell yeah,” Kyuhyun almost shouts in excitement. “No wait, hold up, I just realized something. It’s a birthday party, isn’t it ? Do we need to bring gifts ?”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Jongwoon chuckles. “Heechul is the last person who will care about this sort of stuff.”

“Thank God,” Kyuhyun exhales. “I’m so bad at giving gifts to people.”

“I can confirm,” Ryeowook and Sungmin both agree in unison, hammering down the last nail on the coffin Kyuhyun’s made for himself.

“Do I want to know ?” Jongwoon questions.

“Depends on how much time you have,” Ryeowook laughs. “The list is _ long_.”

“I think I can spare a few more minutes,” Jongwoon teases, seeing this as an opportunity to truly get to see how Ryeowook interacts with his friends and getting to know them better.

Jongwoon doesn’t really care for actually befriending them, even more so since he’s absolutely certain that’ll never happen with Sungmin despite their mutual agreement to stay respectful of the other from earlier, but these two are clearly very important to Ryeowook, so he thinks it’s best if he at least has some sort of relationship with them rather than to stay a complete stranger.

Ryeowook stares at himself in the full-length mirror in Jongwoon’s room for the uptienth time, scrutinizing every part of his outfit and how he looks in it and seemingly only finding more flaws the longer he stands there. He’s wearing the clothes Jongwoon’s bought for him some time ago—with the black ripped skinny jeans, the red fitted blazer, _ and _ the see-through t-shirt, although he added a black tank top under it because he thought just the shirt alone would be too revealing—and while he’d felt really confident back then, it seems to have taken a bad turn now. And the worst thing is, he doesn’t even know what makes it look so wrong in his eyes; it just _ is_, and it bugs him that he can’t find a way to fix it.

“You look stunning,” Jongwoon compliments him, effectively pulling him out of his negative mindspace and making him come back to reality. He’d been so caught up in his reflection that he hadn’t even noticed when Jongwoon stepped into the room. “And that’s not an opinion. It’s a _ fact_.” Jongwoon walks up to him then, coming up to stand behind him and straightening his blazer on his side a little. “So why does it look like you disagree ?”

“I don’t _ know_,” Ryeowook panics, only now realizing how distressed he’s actually been all this time. “Everything just feels wrong and it bothers me because I really wanna make a good impression tonight and I—”

“Hey, hey, baby, calm down and look at me,” Jongwoon speaks softly, turning Ryeowook around to face him, and he cups his face in both of his hands. “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, okay ? No matter what they could tell me, it won’t change the way I see you. And I’m sure they’re going to _ adore _ you because you’re fun, approachable, and _ genuine_. There’s no reason I see that would make them think otherwise.”

“You’re _ biased_, though,” Ryeowook counters.

“No, what I am is _ not stupid_,” Jongwoon corrects. “I understand that you’re nervous, but I’ll always be there for you if you need me, okay ? I’ll kick everyone out in the blink of an eye if it gets too much for you, _ and I mean it_.”

“I’ll be mad at you if you’re wrong,” Ryeowook grumbles, pouting.

“I’m willing to take the risk,” Jongwoon laughs, and he gives Ryeowook a kiss on the forehead before turning him back around to face the mirror again. “Now, take a _ real _ look at yourself, but through _ my _ eyes instead, because _ you _ are the one who’s biased.”

“... are you saying I have to pretend I want to fuck myself ?” Ryeowook jokes, hoping it would help get his mind off of his insecurities.

“Now that’s a sight I’d like to see,” Jongwoon hums, leaning down to whisper it right next to Ryeowook’s ear. “Maybe I should have you give yourself your own punishment next time you act naught—”

“Yo, Jongwoon !” a voice coming from the living room shouts, taking the both of them by surprise. “Time to put your dick away before the others get here !”

“And here we go,” Jongwoon grumbles as he reluctantly pulls away from Ryeowook.

“Who is that ?”

Jongwoon sighs, but Ryeowook can tell from the smirk tugging at the corner of his lips that the exasperation in his voice is just a front. “I’ll introduce you to him now before he kicks the door down. Are you ready to go out there ?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” Ryeowook replies, “but I can’t hide in here forever.”

“I promise he’s harmless,” Jongwoon assures him, offering his hand out for Ryeowook to take. “Mostly.”

“That’s… reassuring,” Ryeowook mumbles, but he still follows Jongwoon out of his bedroom without resistance.

It takes him about a second to recognize the guy standing in the middle of the entryway. About the same height as Jongwoon, shoulder-length black hair, looking like he’s barely just entered his twenties and really, really pretty—even prettier in real life than he had in Jongwoon’s photo album : that’s Heechul, Ryeowook couldn’t be more sure of it.

His first reflex upon realization is to hide behind Jongwoon, although he really didn’t mean to. And it’s not like Heechul looks intimidating, not by a long shot, but his relationship with Jongwoon _ is_, and his shyness ends up getting the better of him in the end.

“Whatever happened to privacy ?” Jongwoon pretends to scold him, which takes Ryeowook a bit by surprise because he didn’t expect the man to go along with the premise Heechul had set. “What if you _ had _ walked in while I had my dick out ?”

Heechul snorts. “There are two ways I could reply to this and I don’t know which one I like better. If this were one of your stories, would you have the character say _ ‘bold of you to assume that would’ve stopped me’_, or would you have him go for _ ‘how dare you believe I would’ve wanted to miss out on all the fun’ _ ?”

“I would’ve gone for _ ‘I’m sorry, I promise I won’t do it again’_,” Jongwoon retorts sarcastically.

“But that’s boring,” Heechul whines before leaning to the side to peek at Ryeowook, who’s been listening on in silence completely baffled the entire time. “What would you choose ?”

“Uh…” Ryeowook stutters. He didn’t expect to be put on the spot like that, and he doesn’t know if he should even give an answer to that at all, especially since those claims are already both shocking and confusing to him and they’re a lot to take in. “The last one ?”

Heechul hums. “You know what, I think you’re right. You’ve got taste. I like you.”

“Oh, right,” Jongwoon exclaims, as if he’s suddenly just popped back to reality, and turns his attention to Ryeowook. “This is Heechul… for whom I will personally apologize right now for anything you might witness from him.”

“Thank you for always representing me and my beliefs so I don’t have to do it myself,” Heechul bows to him, which makes Ryeowook giggle a little.

“And I almost don’t want to introduce you to him,” Jongwoon jeers, squinting in Heechul’s direction.

“You don’t need to, with how often you talk about him to m—”

“Please tell me he hasn’t caused trouble yet in my absence,” another guy calls out from the doorway, panting slightly as if he’s just run up the stairs and down the hallway. “I made the mistake of telling him Ryeowook would be there, so he left work early without me and— oh, thank god everything looks alright.”

“It _ reeks _ of trust in here,” Heechul claps back.

“Excuse me for finding it suspicious that you mysteriously disappeared the second I told you Ryeowook would attend,” the guy retorts, but he fails to contain his laughter completely.

It took a lot longer for Ryeowook to remember who this one is, but he’s pretty sure by now that it’s Geng, whom he remembers to be Heechul’s boyfriend.

“In any case,” Heechul shakes off, “it’s a really nice gift to finally allow me to meet your boyfriend for my birthday. I thought this day would never come.”

Heechul’s comment brings Geng’s attention to the boy clinging to Jongwoon’s side. The older man smiles at him warmly and greets him from a subtle sign of his hand. He’s much more reserved than Heechul is, and there’s something really comforting about the energy that emanates from him; Ryeowook feels more at rest at the thought of interacting with him than he does with Jongwoon’s _ hyper _ best friend, even if he doesn’t think Heechul is a bad person at all.

He’s just… very _ out there_, and that in itself is intimidating.

“You don’t have to be so shy,” Geng comforts him, wrapping his arm around Heechul’s shoulders to prevent him from running away from him again. “He was just very eager to meet you. We all were. And I think he got jealous that Youngwoon got to be the first.”

“Not jealous, _ betrayed_,” Heechul corrects.

“Sorry,” Ryeowook apologizes, managing to gather enough courage to step away from Jongwoon, although he keeps holding his hand to use it for moral support. “I’m not really good at… people. When I met Youngwoon, I almost hit him with a frying pan because I thought he was a burglar.”

“Oh my god,” Heechul breathes out before erupting in laughter. “That is… fucking _ adorable_.” Not the compliment Ryeowook would’ve expected to get, but he’ll take it. “You’re honestly so cute.” Heechul then turns to look up at his boyfriend. “He’s really cute, isn’t he ?”

Geng nods, humming in agreement.

Ryeowook gives them a shy little smile, and he believes he’s probably turning the same color as his blazer when he feels his face heating up. His heart is racing and although Jongwoon’s friends seem to have a good impression of him, he can’t shake away his discomfort completely.

Jongwoon looks down at him with a mix of pride and slight concern, because he can tell Ryeowook’s getting anxious, and he doesn’t like that.

Letting go of his hand, Jongwoon drapes his arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders and brings him closer, shifting the boy’s attention completely over to him, and he gently rubs his hand up and down his upper back to calm him down.

“Go and get something to drink,” Jongwoon murmurs.

Ryeowook is confounded at first, but one glance into Jongwoon’s eyes is all he needs to understand that this is the man’s way of giving him an _ out _ without flat out letting everyone know that he’s about to panic. Ryeowook nods, extremely thankful, and he silently escapes into the kitchen to catch his breath, hidden from view.

He almost regrets asking his friends to come a bit later to avoid confusion as to why these random kids are attending the party.

“I’m guessing you managed to fix things with him,” Heechul whispers, not wanting Ryeowook to overhear him.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” Jongwoon hurries his reply, speaking through his teeth, before turning his attention over to Geng. “Who else is coming ?”

“I told some people on the set who’ve gotten close to Heechul they could come,” Geng recalls. “Aside from them, there’s Youngwoon of course, Jaejoong, Yuri and Yoona.”

Jongwoon has a gut feeling then that Geng is hiding something from him. “Who else ?”

“I may have forgotten about, _ you know_…” Geng admits, scratching the back of his head in shame. “And I only remembered about it after he said he’d come.”

Jongwoon closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Yunho’s coming ?”

“... sorry ?”

“That’s fine,” Jongwoon sighs, groaning a little. At least he was able to know the truth before the man got here, so he has some time to try and find a way to avoid a potential catastrophe. Their last interaction hadn’t been very pretty.

All he needs to do is to prevent him from interacting with Ryeowook at all to avoid any potential nightmare scenarios, which shouldn’t be so hard, or at least he thinks so.

There’s another knock on the door then, forcing them to halt their conversation so Jongwoon can open the door for the newcomers. He immediately gets assaulted by Yoona who pulls him into a hug, quickly followed by Yuri who does the same the second Yoona moves on to the other two men standing behind him.

“It’s been so long,” Yoona exclaims cheerfully.

Curious, Ryeowook peeks around the counter to take a look at what’s going on, smiling to himself when he sees how happy Jongwoon appears to be to meet up with his friends again. Those girls look fun too, at least at first glance, but he doesn’t feel ready to go back out there just yet.

Jongwoon ends up leaving door duty to Geng once Youngwoon appears so he could check up on Ryeowook, whom he finds leaning over the island counter to watch everyone interact with each other in the living room, and the man goes to join him, standing on his side.

“How are you holding out ?” Jongwoon questions, reaching over to pet Ryeowook’s hair.

“I’m okay,” Ryeowook sighs, but he doesn’t sound entirely convinced of that. “I’m sorry I couldn’t—”

“No, don’t apologize,” Jongwoon asserts, grabbing him by the waist to turn him around and pull him flush against him. “If you’re not ready to go out there, it’s perfectly fine. I can stay with you until you are, if you want.”

“Shouldn’t you be with them instead ?”

Jongwoon quickly looks over at the guests mingling with each other before looking down at Ryeowook once more to flash him a smile. “They’re doing just fine. I have all night to talk with them, but I won’t get as many chances to be alone with you.”

“Because Heechul might walk in on us ?” Ryeowook jokes, recalling their earlier conversation.

“Oh no, that might actually convince me to pull you into the bedroom _ just _ so he can watch,” Jongwoon retorts, dark eyes and sultry voice turning Ryeowook’s knees into mush. “Or maybe I could take you right here and have _ everyone _ watch how good my little boy is.”

“Don’t you two ever get tired of each other ?” a voice interrupts them right as Jongwoon was about to kiss Ryeowook, making the two of them turn to whoever it was that just intruded on their moment.

“Kyuhyun, you’re here,” Ryeowook stutters, spinning around to face him while Jongwoon takes a step back. “How long have you been there ?”

“I just came in, actually,” Kyuhyun states, pointing at the entry hall where all their friends are still standing. “The guy at the door just told me you’d be here. Who, by the way, looks really familiar. I’m sure I’ve seen him somewhere before.”

“Are you ready to go back there ?” Jongwoon double-checks, trying to hide his frustration about his fun being shut down all too soon and ignoring Kyuhyun’s comment—he has an idea that this most likely means the boy has either seen one of Geng’s acting jobs before or the casting list for his current job, but Geng isn’t the type of person to boast about it, so neither will Jongwoon.

“Yeah, I think so,” Ryeowook nods.

Jongwoon smiles at him fondly before giving him a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be going back to see Heechul and the others, but I’m always there for you if you ever need anything, okay ?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Now go and have fun,” Jongwoon chuckles, pointing toward Kyuhyun with a movement of his head, who’s still awkwardly standing on the other side of the island counter staring at them. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Jongwoon watches on as Ryeowook leaves with Kyuhyun to join their friends, the warmth and tenderness in his eyes so prominent the boy can still feel it on his back as he disappears into the crowd. Jongwoon eventually leaves too to resume his job as _ doorman _ and relieve Geng of his task—he’s still waiting on the caterer he’s hired to show up, which normally shouldn’t take much longer by now.

Ryeowook doesn’t expect to get snatched and pulled to the side by the arm, and he nearly trips on his own feet when he’s carried away from Kyuhyun by Heechul and taken to a small group of people made up of Youngwoon, Geng, and the two girls he saw earlier. He’s a lot less nervous than he’d been at first, and he’s mostly too in shock and confused by Heechul’s sudden move to even think about being anxious.

“Everyone, let me introduce you to my new best friend,” Heechul announces, wrapping his arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders so tightly the boy doesn’t think he could escape even if he tried. “This is Ryeowook, the love of Jongwoon’s life, who can do things to him no one’s ever managed to pull off before. Now tell us your secrets.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ryeowook stammers, puzzled.

“I’m not gonna give you details because I’d rather Jongwoon do it himself,” Heechul explains, “but you’re turning him into a big softie and I wanna know how you did it.”

“It’s because he’s cute,” one of the girls coos. “It’s a secret to no one that Jongwoon is weak for that, as much as he likes to pretend he doesn’t have a type.”

“I’m cute too and Jongwoon’s never been weak for me,” Heechul dramatically sulks.

“I think you ruined your chances of ever being perceived as _ cute _ when you ended up giving a lap dance to every single person present at our high school graduation party,” the same girl counters.

“I wish I could’ve been there to see that,” Youngwoon snickers.

“I’m pretty sure I have videos of it somewhere,” she recalls before pointing to the other girl standing next to her. “If I don’t, Yuri probably has them.”

“I gave a _ great _ show that day,” Heechul gloats. “I’m sure Ryeowook would enjoy i— wait, where has he gone to ?”

Ryeowook had taken advantage of everyone’s attention being focused on the conversation to slip away discretely—not that he didn’t want to get acquainted with Jongwoon’s friends, because they really sound like nice people, but he felt a bit awkward standing there listening, and he didn’t really know what to even tell them, so he decided it would be best if he just escaped while he could and go join his friends. He’ll try and talk to them one-on-one later.

It’s a bit of a bummer that it also means he’s missing an opportunity to passively learn more about Jongwoon, or at least who he used to be, but he figures with how often his friends tend to slip up, he’ll end up getting this information sooner or later.

“Food’s there !” someone from the crowd suddenly exclaims, bringing everyone’s attention to the people rolling in tables into the room.

Jongwoon really didn’t do things halfway, because the staff coming in looks really professional, and they’re able to set up their equipment and take out the food from the compartments under the tables in record time. A lot of people rush to get something to eat, but Jongwoon doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to eat. If anything, his disinterest in take out or any type of food falling into similar categories has only gotten worse since Ryeowook essentially moved in with him about a month and a half ago. And he’s just gotten back from a two-week trip where they ate nothing but restaurant food—he’s getting really tired of it.

Heechul decides to wait with him, sending Geng to get a plate for him, and the birthday man downs the rest of his drink in one go before breaking the silence between them.

“You seem to be doing better now,” Heechul observes, slurring a little. He really _ is _ a lightweight, although Jongwoon is pretty sure this isn’t his first drink of the night. “And he doesn’t seem to be mad at you either. What happened after you called me that night ? You never actually ended up telling me.”

“I did what you told me to do,” Jongwoon replies, eyes fixated on Ryeowook as he watches him laugh with his friends in the queue. “I don’t know if anything I said even made sense, though. I’m bad at this.”

“Looks like he understood nonetheless,” Heechul notes. “Have you told him about Hyukjae ?”

“Just that my past relationship was abusive and that as a result I’m left to try and figure some things out,” Jongwoon shrugs. “He told me he loved me and that something like this wouldn’t change that. I didn’t stop him this time.”

“Did you say it back ?” Heechul raises an eyebrow—he’s asking, but it’s more of a formality than anything else. He already knows the answer.

Jongwoon shakes his head slowly. It almost looks painful for him to admit his fault, and the lack of a vocal response for the next minute is only more proof that it’s tearing him from the inside.

“I wasn’t able to,” he eventually confesses, the lump in his throat strangling out his words a little, before he lets out a bitter little chuckle. “I don’t know what’s stopping me from doing it at this point. It’s like I’m physically incapable of saying it.”

“But you do love him, right ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon mumbles. “I think I do.”

“You _ think _ ?”

“You know as well as I do that I’m the worst person when it comes to defining love,” Jongwoon defends. “I was convinced I was in love with Hyukjae for nearly three years. But I’m not so sure it was love anymore. What I felt for him was too different from Ryeowook.”

“You know what you need ?” Heechul suddenly exclaims, tapping his friend on the back.

“A slap in the face ?”

“Well, _ yeah_, but I was thinking of something closer to ‘getting wasted’,” Heechul corrects. “But if you think a slap in the face could work, I’d happily volunteer to give it to you. I promise I won’t be gentle.” Heechul crosses his fingers over his heart to swear it, making Jongwoon laugh quietly.

“Oh, I know you won’t,” Jongwoon implies suggestively, shifting his attention to his friend, eyes now burning with a much different light than before.

“_Please _ don’t use that tone with me,” Heechul implores, sparing no effort in hiding his obvious sarcasm. “I wanna be able to eat my cake before I get horny.”

Jongwoon gets interrupted right as he was about to tell Heechul that his demand might only egg him on even more when someone comes up to them, and the mood immediately shifts to extremely awkward and tense when Jongwoon’s gaze meets Yunho’s—he hadn’t noticed the man was there at all, being too busy handling the other guests and making sure nobody breaks anything while also keeping a close eye on Ryeowook at all times. Heechul doesn’t seem to let it bother him, though, and he gleefully accepts the hug Yunho offers him then without a comment.

Geng is mostly the one who kept in touch with the guy after he and Jongwoon had a very heated argument over his breakup with Hyukjae, so by extension, it was in Heechul’s best interest to stay on friendly terms with Yunho as well. Jongwoon doesn’t really mind it; he’s way over that teenage mentality of _ ‘you can’t be friends with someone I don’t like’_, and in any case, he mostly sees it as a good thing that this breakup didn’t affect their friendships too much.

And he thinks it’s normal sided with his own best friend in this situation, all things considered. Jongwoon hadn’t exactly been the nicest person when it came to it either.

“Jongwoon,” Yunho nods at him.

“Yunho,” Jongwoon mimics him, forcing a smile.

“Heechul,” Heechul joins in, trying to break them apart before anything escalates too far. It makes Jongwoon crack up a bit, but Yunho stays expressionless for a moment before resuming his birthday wishes to Heechul.

Jongwoon decides it’s best if he slips away now, and he’s hoping he can join Ryeowook standing on the other side of his apartment—whom he realizes is probably too big for one person, since just the living room and entrance hall are able to house about thirty people and entire tables full of food _ easily_—but he gets stopped by Yuri as he passes by her.

“I can’t believe I had to learn about your relationship through social media,” she scolds him, hitting him on the arm lightly.

“Sorry ?” Jongwoon tries. He’s honestly a bit ashamed of it; although they don’t see each other very often, with them both having busy lives, Yuri is still someone he’d call a close friend. Some may think even a bit _ too _ close, considering he’s hooked up with her—_and _ another one of her friends whom he doesn’t remember the name of, at the same time—once, but it was a long time ago, and neither of them ever made a big deal out of it.

“Since when ?” Yuri then asks, wanting to catch up on all the details she’s missed because of Jongwoon’s omission.

“January 11th,” Jongwoon responds almost immediately. It’s a day he’ll never forget, and even if they’ve technically only been ‘official’ since April, in hindsight, the day they met is much more accurate of an anniversary, all things considered.

Jongwoon can tell Yuri didn’t expect this answer by the frown on her face. She’s doing the maths in her head, he just _ knows _ she is, and he braces himself for the comment he can already predict she’s going to make.

“That’s… not even a full month after you and Hyukjae broke up,” she whispers, almost as if she couldn’t believe it. “I know you move on quick, but that’s…”

“Very fast, I know,” Jongwoon concedes. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He was supposed to be just a hook up at first, but…” Calling Ryeowook ‘just a hook up’ feels so fucking wrong to him, but he’s not lying. Neither of them intended on this turning into what they are now—it just happened and neither of them ever questioned it. “There was just something about him that screamed at me not to let him go. I’m still trying to figure out what that _ thing _ is, but... yeah.”

“That’s adorable, though,” she marvels. “I just got a bit worried because I know you didn’t take your last breakup too well, but I guess as long as you’re happy, it shouldn’t really matter. I hope this works out for you. I really do.”

“Thank you,” Jongwoon responds, getting ready to resume his way up to Ryeowook, whom he notices has suddenly disappeared from his group of friends while he was busy talking to Yuri. He doesn’t think much of it since he couldn’t have gotten very far, so he decides to wait until he comes back some distance away from the group.

Ryeowook’s quick trip to the kitchen to get Saeun a glass of whatever turned out to be a bit more complicated than he initially planned for, because apparently, people took the opportunity to ask a bunch of things from him and being the person he is, he felt like he had to oblige. He just hopes Saeun wasn’t in a hurry to get hers.

“Have you been delegated to the role of bartender ?” he hears a man joke from the other side of the island counter, making the boy turn on his heel to face him.

The guy is sitting on one of the barstools, leaning over it on his elbows. Short black hair, fairly handsome, sharp features—he has no fucking idea who it is, and not even if he’s one of Jongwoon’s actual friends or one of Heechul’s and Geng’s.

“Apparently,” Ryeowook giggles, returning to what he was doing before—finally getting to fill up Saeun’s glass with water from the gallon in Jongwoon’s fridge. “I think people just aren’t comfortable rummaging into Jongwoon’s stuff.”

“But you are,” the man wonders—it sounds a lot more like a question than a statement.

“Well, I practically live here at this point, so I have an excuse,” Ryeowook explains. He now has a guess that he isn’t Jongwoon’s friend, since he seemingly had no idea who he was. “He’s my boyfriend,” he then clarifies when he notices the confusion flashing through the man’s face.

“Oh !” he exclaims, sounding genuinely surprised. “I had no idea he was in a relationship. I wouldn’t have thought he’d mo— no, never mind. I guess I just missed a lot since we haven’t had the chance to talk in a long time”

Okay, so he’s one of Jongwoon’s friends, but not exactly a close one. He seems to know more than he shows, though, and Ryeowook is left pondering over what he was about to say before he came back on his words. He’s hesitating about whether or not he should probe him to speak up, and he ultimately decides that maybe he shouldn’t, by fear of passing off as a suspecting boyfriend.

“I probably should have guessed, though. You’re exactly his type.”

At this point, Ryeowook has lost count of how many people have told him this _ exact _ phrase, and although he’s certain they mean it as a compliment, he can’t help but think that it is kind of weird that so many people—and apparently people who aren’t necessarily very close to him—seem to know about Jongwoon’s preferences. Not only that, but they’re so convinced of it that they state it as a fact, like it’s just common knowledge, and he isn’t really sure how he’s supposed to feel about that. On one hand, it’s reassuring to know that he’s the type of person Jongwoon is typically looking for, but on the other, it might also mean that Jongwoon _ exclusively _ dates people who resemble and act like him, and he doesn’t want the added pressure of wanting to conform to that ideal to keep the man happy.

He doesn’t know if that’s something he actually needs to do, because Jongwoon doesn’t really come off as the type of man who would pressure his partners to be, look or act a certain way to please him.

But, then again, he’s retconned thus far that Jongwoon was a very different person before they met, and he doesn’t have much information about exactly _ how _ that difference actually manifested.

He doesn’t want to think about that. He doesn’t want to doubt Jongwoon.

“I’ve been told,” Ryeowook remarks, trying to laugh it off. “I’m Ryeowook, by the way. I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced to each other.”

“We haven’t,” the man confirms as he stands up from his seat. “Jung Yunho. Nice to meet you too, Ryeowook.”

And, with that, Yunho walks away, leaving Ryeowook more confused than he probably should be.

He snickers when the ridiculous thought that Yunho almost came to him like a ‘bad omen’ character in movies crosses his mind, and he finally goes back to join his friends and give Saeun her glass, _ at last_.

“... didn’t Ryeowook say he was a writer, though ?” he overhears Changmin ask as he walks up to them.

“Yeah, but he’d have to be really successful to make enough money off of his books to be able to afford a place like this,” Sungmin reflects.

No one notices Jongwoon sneaking up on Ryeowook then, not until the boy yelps in surprise when his boyfriend’s arms snake around his waist, which makes half of the group jump as well. Jongwoon chuckles, amused by the reactions, and he pulls Ryeowook toward him until his pack lays flush against his chest.

“Well, speak of the devil,” Kyuhyun smirks. “We were just talking about you.”

“How so ?” Jongwoon wonders, casually burying his nose in Ryeowook’s hair at the top of his head.

“How you were able to afford this place,” Sungmin speaks up, taking Jongwoon a little by surprise. Despite their truce, he wouldn’t have expected the boy to go out of his way to interact with him. “Ryeowook said you were a writer, so we were wondering which book you wrote to—”

Sungmin gets momentarily distracted by Kyuhyun pulling at his sleeve, clearly demanding attention, but he figures it’s probably one of his usual antics again and he doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of fooling him again.

“—to get so successf—” Kyuhyun is tugging even harder now, and his insistence is making it hard for Sungmin to concentrate on what he’s saying. “_What do you want ?_” he snaps at his friend, turning over to look at him.

Kyuhyun is standing there, _ petrified_, completely livid and pale as a ghost, staring at something Sungmin doesn’t bother to look at right now.

“Please, _ please _ tell me I’m hallucinating,” Kyuhyun begs. “No, actually, please tell me I am and that this man isn’t Choi Siwon because I don’t think I’ll survive it if it’s really happening.”

Everyone turns around to look at the man Kyuhyun is staring at, and the only person who doesn’t join him in his stupor is Jongwoon, although he is visibly surprised to see him there. Geng didn’t tell him he’d be coming, and this isn’t something he thinks his friend would’ve forgotten to mention. This is _ Choi Siwon_, one of the most well-known actors in their country, after all—it’s not a detail to be overlooked, not even by Geng.

“What’s he doing here ?” Jongwoon wonders out loud.

“You know him ?” Ryeowook questions, eyes wide and looking up at his boyfriend expectantly.

“Well, not personally,” Jongwoon denies. “I’m guessing Geng is the one who invited him ? I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me if that’s the case.”

“Wait, hold up, you mean you’re friends with someone who’s acquainted with Choi Siwon ?” Sungmin marvels. He can’t fucking believe what he’s hearing, or even how the hell Jongwoon manages to stay so calm despite this huge _ celebrity _ casually walking in to his place.

“Yeah, Geng got casted alongside him in Shin Donghee’s new project,” Jongwoon explains like it’s not a huge fucking deal.

“What the fuck,” Kyuhyun exclaims. “_What the actual fuck. _ Somebody pinch me, I think I’m dying.”

Sungmin kicks his heel down on Kyuhyun’s toes, causing the taller guy to balance himself on one foot to try and soothe the unnecessary pain his friend just gave him. “I said pinch me, you dick !”

“He looks like he’s looking for something,” Jongwoon observes, noticing the way Siwon is scanning the room and looking over people’s heads. “I’ll go see what he wants.”

Jongwoon reflexively gives Ryeowook a kiss on the cheek before letting go of him, and he makes his way toward Siwon who, despite his relatively intimidating size, just reminds him of a lost child in a mall. Jongwoon’s never been the type of person to make a big deal out of celebrities, but he has to admit that he does feel a bit anxious about approaching this guy. Not nearly as much as most people would be, but still enough for him to feel his heartbeat speed up in his chest.

“Are you… looking for someone ?” Jongwoon tentatively asks, and only then does he notice the little gift box Siwon is holding in his hand.

“I wasn’t sure I got the right address, but the door was unlocked and I heard music outside, so I let myself in,” Siwon explains—he looks more nervous than Jongwoon is. “I’m looking for Heechul. I heard some people on set say the party would be here.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re at the right place,” Jongwoon blinks, suddenly snapping back to reality. “I’ll take you to him. Just follow me.”

Siwon nods at him. “I hope the host doesn’t mind me barging in unannounced,” the man laughs awkwardly. “I’m Siwon, by the way.” He’s a lot more humble than Jongwoon would’ve thought—it’s like he doesn’t realize how famous he is and introductions are completely unnecessary in his case.

“I don’t mind,” Jongwoon shrugs, chuckling a little when realization seems to hit Siwon that he’s talking to the host himself. “I’m Kim Jongwoon. I live here.”

Siwon slants his head to the side. “Kim Jongwoon, like the author ?” he then asks cheerfully, his face lighting up like a child on Christmas day.

Jongwoon stops walking then, trying to figure out what Kim Jongwoon he’s talking about, because as far as he’s aware, he doesn’t know any authors that have the same name as him—and since he uses a pen name, he doubts he’s talking about him.

“Oh, sorry,” Siwon apologizes, noticing the obvious confusion plastered on Jongwoon’s face. “I’m kind of a big fan of his, so I tend to get excited when his name is brought up. I don’t think most people know his real name though. I only know because of connections I have. He goes by the name of Yesung.”

Jongwoon blinks at him a few times, almost as if his brain was malfunctioning and he needed his entire system to reboot. And then, he starts laughing, finding this whole situation so fucking funny for some reason—who would’ve thought _ the _ Choi Siwon would actually be a fan of his, and not the other way around ?

“Yeah, like the author,” Jongwoon confirms. “At least I hope so, considering he’s me.”

There’s an awkward moment of silence that settles between them where all they do is stare at each other, but it’s really obvious that Jongwoon is trying his hardest not to burst out laughing once more as he watches Siwon’s expression shift from confusion to embarrassment in a fraction of a second.

“Oh, God, I don’t think I’ve ever been more embarrassed of something in my entire life,” Siwon chuckles nervously. “I haven’t made a fool out of myself, have I ?”

“No, no,” Jongwoon assures him. “It’s actually kind of hilarious. I would’ve never thought _ you _ out of anyone would be a fan of my work.”

“I carry the pocket edition of _ Crimson Leaves _ with me almost everywhere I go,” Siwon admits.

“_No way._”

Ryeowook is the first of his friends to crash back down to Earth when Jongwoon and Siwon completely disappear into the crowd. He can still see Siwon’s head peeking out from the top, since the man is taller than basically everyone except Changmin, yet he still can’t quite believe what just happened. It was one thing to date someone like Jongwoon who could already introduce him to so many new things, but this is something he could’ve never even fathom in his wildest dreams.

“I’ll just… go to the bathroom real quick,” he tells his friends then. He’s not even sure they’ve heard him properly, but he doesn’t care. He needs to take a breath or two, or twelve, and locking himself in the bathroom for five minutes is his only option for now.

Unfortunately for him, it turns out that there’s quite the line waiting at the door—well, two people that he can count, but it’s a lot considering he kind of really needs to get away for a bit right now—so he’s left wondering if it’s worth it to wait for a second.

“It’s intimidating to meet someone like him in person for the first time, isn’t it ?” Ryeowook hears a male voice speak behind him.

The boy turns around to face his interlocutor, who turns out to be a guy who’s maybe around his mid-twenties at best—he gives Ryeowook the same vibe as a lot of frat boys he’s hooked up with have, but he seems a lot more friendly at first glance. Most frat boys would already be flirting with him by this point.

Ryeowook shoots him a confused glance, leaning his head to the side in question.

“Siwon,” the guy chuckles, pointing toward the man’s direction in the crowd. “I passed by you and your friends staring at him with jaws to the floor when he was talking to that dude with the grey hair, it was pretty funny.”

“Oh, yeah, hum,” Ryeowook stammers, embarrassed. “Celebrity appearances don’t happen very often at the kind of party I usually go to.” He then lets out a nervous little chuckle, scratching the back of his head. He might as well take it with some humor.

“Don’t worry about it,” the guy dismisses. “I was the same when I first walked on set and saw him, but he’s just a big teddy bear in reality. He’s kind of cute too, but you’re much more my type.”

Ah, there it is. Ryeowook knew his impression of him was in fact spot on; his approach had just been a lot smoother than what he usually gets to witness.

“I’m Jaesun, by the way,” he introduces himself before stepping closer to Ryeowook, dark and lustful eyes boring into his. “Hopefully if all goes well, it could be the only name you remember by the end of tonight.”

Ryeowook snickers and takes a step back. “Does that line usually work for you ?” he questions, hoping to turn the guy down without making a fuss.

“Especially on people who see right through it,” Jaesun counters, still speaking in a sultry tone that sends chills down Ryeowook’s back—but not the good kind. While he used to enjoy it, being flirted with by anyone but Jongwoon just feels incredibly wrong to him now.

“I’m not so sure it works so well on those who are in a relationship,” Ryeowook quips.

Jaesun scans around quickly before returning his attention to Ryeowook again. The smirk he then gives him makes Ryeowook regret not flatly telling him to leave him alone right away.

“I don’t see your boyfriend anywhere around,” Jaesun states, as if it would make a difference whether Jongwoon was there or not. “Such a shame. Who would leave a cute little angel like you on his own like this ?”

Ryeowook swats Jaesun’s hand away as soon as it comes too close to touching his face, and he steps back again, glaring at him angrily. “A boyfriend who respects my privacy enough to let me go to the _ bathroom _ on my own ?” he retorts, intending on making the guy feel as stupid as he possibly could.

“No need to get angry with me,” Jaesun mocks him, clearly not taking Ryeowook seriously. “I was just offering—”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything important,” someone else jumps in, speaking in a very obvious sarcastic tone—Ryeowook immediately recognizes the voice as Jongwoon’s, which makes him sigh in relief instantly.

Jongwoon walks up to Ryeowook’s side to pull him flush against him by the waist, cold and sombre eyes searing through Jaesun’s soul, petrifying the guy on the spot.

“N-no, we were just… making conversation,” Jaesun blabbers. He’s not even able to convince himself of what he’s saying.

“Then by all means, please continue,” Jongwoon encourages, feigning ignorance. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on it. Just pretend I’m not there. It shouldn’t be a problem for you, should it ? You seem to be good at that.”

“Look man, I didn’t mean to—”

“Didn’t mean to _ what _ ?” Jongwoon cuts him. “Didn’t mean to keep insisting even if he told you he wasn’t interested ?”

“I didn’t know he was… _ your _ boyfriend,” Jaesun tries to defend, putting emphasis on the ‘your’—he didn’t have a problem with Ryeowook having a boyfriend until he found out Jongwoon could be this terrifying. Now, he regrets everything.

“Whether he’s with me or not doesn’t change anything,” Jongwoon argues, voice low but harsh, firm, and _ incredibly _ chilling. “He turned you down. It should’ve stopped there.”

“I wasn’t gonna do any—”

“Get the fuck out of my house before I get angry,” Jongwoon growls.

Even though Jongwoon’s words aren’t directed at him, Ryeowook still gets unbelievably affected by the tone of his voice and his domineering presence. He sinks into his arms even more, seeking their safety and warmth, and watches as the guy nearly stumbles on his feet as he beelines for the exit, fleeing like a coward.

“Are you okay ?” Jongwoon turns to him, cupping his face into his palms to observe every little corner of his face, trying to gauge and read his expression. He shifted from severe and commanding to worry and caring in a fraction of a second. “Did he do anything to you ?”

“No,” Ryeowook denies. “I slapped his hand away when he tried to touch me and he didn’t try anything else.”

“Thank God,” Jongwoon sighs in relief, engulfing the boy into a protective hug, holding him so pressed against him that not even air could pass between them.

“Thank _ you _ for coming to the rescue,” Ryeowook corrects. “I think the only way I could’ve made him understand would’ve been to kick him in the nuts.”

“You should have,” Jongwoon insists—Ryeowook knows he’s actually being serious despite his chuckle.

He can also tell that the man is still very angry from the way his hands, one gripping his shoulder and the other his waist, are shaking and from how tightly he’s hugging him; Jongwoon may look worried on the surface, but Ryeowook knows better by now.

“No one gets to touch _ my _ baby but me,” Jongwoon groans into Ryeowook’s neck, blurting it out against his will. He meant to keep that thought to himself, not wanting Ryeowook to think he’s being jealous and scolding _ him _ for getting into this situation, but thankfully for him, the boy doesn’t seem to take it that way.

Either way, Ryeowook is already aware that Jongwoon is very possessive of him—which he has absolutely no complaints about, because he doesn’t express it in a controlling and abusive way—and the fact that he refuses to completely let go of him for the rest of the night doesn’t help plead his case. He keeps Ryeowook by his side, even when interacting with others, and the boy lets him; he knows if he told Jongwoon to leave him alone for a second, the man would immediately grant his wish, but he doesn’t find it in him to do so. He really doesn’t mind it, and he even thinks it’s kind of cute to see Jongwoon so obviously _ sulking _ while being convinced no one notices.

His presence also serves to keep him calm and relaxed while getting to know Jongwoon’s friends, so he doesn’t see why he should tell him to stop.

Jongwoon still has his hands on him, hugging him from behind, by the time the last guests—Heechul and Geng—leave. He doesn’t even bother letting go to hug his friends at all, instead tightening his grip on Ryeowook when the time to officially say goodbye comes, and he’s quick to push the boy against the door the second he shuts it behind the other couple, though he does nothing to take things to another level like Ryeowook would’ve expected him to.

Actually, he’s surprised that Jongwoon hasn’t turned this situation and made use of his possessiveness to turn the situation sexual—he hasn’t even attempted to tease him, not by words nor by touch, the entire time, and it seems it’s going to be the case even now that they’re alone. He doesn’t know if this is something that should worry him, because objectively, this situation doesn’t sound wrong. But it’s very out of character for Jongwoon to be acting like this, so he’s torn.

“I thought this night would never end,” Jongwoon grumbles, resting his forehead against the door, over Ryeowook’s shoulder. He sounds exhausted.

“You looked like you were having fun, though,” Ryeowook remarks, moving his hands to place them on Jongwoon’s chest.

“I did have fun,” Jongwoon confirms, using his arms to hold his weight as he leans against the door, still trapping Ryeowook in the space in-between. “But being around so many people tends to drain me after a while.”

“Should we go to bed ?” Ryeowook offers.

It takes a moment for Jongwoon to respond. “Yeah,” he nods, stepping away to let Ryeowook go. “I’ll call a cleaning service to clear up this mess tomorrow.”

Ryeowook peeks around Jongwoon’s shoulder to stare at the current state of Jongwoon’s apartment, and he immediately understands why Jongwoon doesn’t even want to attempt to clean up himself. Ryeowook does get the urge to _ at least _ put the trash in bags, but he knows he’s going to have to ignore it because it’s much easier to do than to try and convince Jongwoon to go to bed without him.

He follows Jongwoon to the bedroom so they can get changed into more comfortable clothes, and everything seems to point to them just going to bed right after until Jongwoon’s lips crash on his, seemingly out of nowhere, the second he’s done putting his shirt on. The kiss is urgent and needy, deep and languid, and it ends with him jumping into Jongwoon’s arms so the man can carry him to the bed, leaving him to wonder why the man waited for them to be dressed if this is where he wanted to take things in the first place.

Unbeknownst to him, though, Jongwoon has different intentions. Actually, he doesn’t even have any. He’s acting on pure impulse alone, torn in half by the untameable need to just be close to Ryeowook in whatever way he can—he’s been fighting against it since the Jaesun incident, and he just couldn’t keep it up anymore.

It’s not that Jongwoon was scared Ryeowook would leave him for the guy. Not even by a long shot, because he was an absolute prick who deserved nothing but a punch in the face—he knows for a fact Ryeowook would’ve never left him for this piece of trash. What bothered him was that it reminded him that the boy wouldn’t even leave him for someone much better than him, even though that’s what he deserves, because he’s too in love with Jongwoon to realize that he can and should do better. And Jongwoon hates himself for finding comfort in this. He’s too selfish to let him go.

And he’s being selfish now, too, by showering Ryeowook with attention and affection to convince him to stay by his side even more. He can’t stop himself.

He seemingly no longer has the ability to distinguish Ryeowook from what he brings him. They’re one and the same. He just hasn’t realized it yet.

For now, he just wants to enjoy the comfort his presence gives him.

Jongwoon refuses to break the kiss or even lower its intensity for probably longer than he should, despite being aware that he’s riling Ryeowook up and leading him on to think this is going to escalate further than this. It takes him a solid twenty minutes to gather the strength to break away, and even then, it takes him everything he has not to start kissing him again barely a few seconds later.

Jongwoon rests his forehead against Ryeowook’s, and he lets them catch their breath for a moment. The boy already looks fucked out under him, so willing and open to whatever he thinks Jongwoon has planned for them, and if it would normally warm up his heart to see that, right now, it just tears it to pieces.

Opening up to Ryeowook in Taiwan _ truly has _ made him much more emotionally fragile than he already was.

“If I just… want to hold you tonight…” Jongwoon pants. “Would that be okay ?”

Ryeowook blinks at him, visibly surprised, but he says nothing as he wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s neck, nodding in agreement. He doesn’t question him. He just gives him what he wants without a fuss, and Jongwoon thinks this is probably the first time someone’s ever done that for him. In this context, at the very least.

Jongwoon sighs, so relieved that he doesn’t even have words to describe how light he suddenly feels, and he slowly drapes himself over the boy, snaking his arms around his torso and resting his forehead against Ryeowook’s chest. It’s extremely rare that Jongwoon finds himself in this position, if ever, as he’s usually the one _ holding_, not the one being held. But he really needs this right now, more than he ever has in his life.

It’s a very strange feeling when Ryeowook starts stroking his hair gently, but not one that makes him uncomfortable. He finds it relaxing, ultimately, even if he never fully gets used to it. And he really appreciates that Ryeowook doesn’t make any comments on it—he thinks that’s what’s the most comforting in all of this.

“I don’t understand why I find this so hard,” Jongwoon mumbles, sounding a lot sleepier than he expected to.

“What is ?”

“Getting used to… _ this_,” he replies, turning his head to the side to look at the boy. “And, I don’t know… feeling so needy, I guess. It’s not like me.”

Ryeowook’s eyebrows furrow in focus as he reflects on what Jongwoon is telling him for a moment. “It’s okay to show vulnerability sometimes,” he assures. “It just shows you’re human.”

Jongwoon huffs. “I just feel weak and pathetic. And I’m ashamed that you get to see me like this,” he grumbles.

“I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of,” Ryeowook argues.

“I just don’t want this to change the way you see me,” Jongwoon confesses. “The last thing I want is for you to put pressure on yourself to fix my mistakes and solve my problems for me.”

“I think you’re the one who’s putting too much pressure on himself,” Ryeowook counters. “It doesn’t change the way I see you. It just helps me understand you better.”

Jongwoon lets out a heavy sigh in resolve. Ryeowook truly is too good for him.

“I still hate it.”

“I know,” Ryeowook chuckles softly. “But the heartless, emotionless alpha dom archetype really doesn’t suit you.”

Jongwoon starts laughing quietly at Ryeowook’s claims despite him. He doesn’t know how the boy has managed to get him from an emotional mess to his normal self again, but he doesn’t want to question it. He’ll avoid getting trapped in his own mind at all costs if he can help it.

“Oh, really ?” Jongwoon prods. “How would you feel if I was ?”

“You’d probably scare me,” Ryeowook guesses. “With the way things are now, you could be bawling your eyes out and I’d still call you _ daddy_.”

“Is that so ?” Jongwoon presses, pushing himself back up on his arms.

“It’s something I noticed recently,” Ryeowook nods. “I don’t get affected by other dominant personalities besides you.”

“Do you even know other doms besides me ?” Jongwoon teases.

“Well, I can’t say for sure, but Kyuhyun has this really assertive side that comes out sometimes and a lot of people get affected by it, _ especially _ Sungmin,” Ryeowook explains. “And I can feel a change, but it doesn’t do anything to me. You say I’m naturally submissive, but I think I’m just naturally submissive to _ you_.”

“You flatter me too much,” Jongwoon dismisses him.

“I mean it, though,” Ryeowook insists. “You really don’t have to worry about me seeing you in a different light. You’ll still be the same Jongwoon to me whether you’re _ needy _ or not.”

“You really are something else,” Jongwoon exhales, bringing his lips only a few centimetres away from Ryeowook’s.

“I’ve been told.”

“This is it,” Jongwoon exhales, talking to himself. “I’m gonna go insane. I’m _ actually _ gonna go insane. I think I can already hear the men in white coming in the hallway.”

Ryeowook peers over the half-wall separating the dining room from the living room to see his boyfriend dramatically slouch back on the couch, laptop threatening to slide off the side of his thigh, and he giggles to himself. He usually doesn’t like seeing Jongwoon get so frustrated over his work, but this situation and the way he’s talking, over-the-top and almost too frantic for it to be genuine, is too comical for him to worry.

And it’s also a good sign that the man hasn’t locked himself up in his office this time around, so he decides to take it lightheartedly.

“Who are you talking to ?” Ryeowook chuckles, walking up to the couch to lean over the back, hugging Jongwoon from behind.

“My past self who thought it would be a good idea to become a writer instead of a lawyer like his dad wanted him to,” Jongwoon responds flatly, reaching up to wrap one arm around Ryeowook’s neck. “I’m two seconds away from calling Jungsoo and forcing him to come here.”

“It’s that bad ?”

“It’s that bad,” Jongwoon repeats, nodding to himself, still staring at the screen.

“Then maybe you should come to bed with me and call Jungsoo tomorrow when you’re not losing your mind,” Ryeowook suggests, burying his face into the crook of Jongwoon’s neck. His still damp hair from his shower earlier tickles his skin, but Jongwoon doesn’t seem to mind.

“Your offer is very tempting,” Jongwoon concedes, stroking the hair at the back of Ryeowook’s neck absentmindedly. “But I was on a roll until I got to this part, so I don’t think I should stop now in case inspiration strikes back. I’m sorry, baby.”

Ryeowook sighs, withdrawing from his boyfriend, and Jongwoon thinks he’s upset him for a second until he catches the boy walking around the couch up to his position. He doesn’t have time to react to it when Ryeowook closes the lid of his laptop and sets it aside—he can only stay there and watch with a mix of awe and confusion as the boy climbs up to straddle his lap, and Jongwoon feels like his brain may have shut down for a second.

“But I wanted to cuddle with daddy tonight,” Ryeowook whines, pouting.

Jongwoon knows for a fact that he’s doing this on purpose, but he can’t help being affected by it. “Are you trying to sweet talk me into going to bed ?” he accuses, his hands coming up to grab Ryeowook by the waist, lifting his oversized shirt up to reveal the pastel yellow pair of panties he bought him a month ago. _ Fuck. He’s too good at this game. _

Ryeowook bites down on his lower lip, the lust in his eyes matching the one in Jongwoon’s. “Is it working ?”

“I thought you knew better than to tease me like that, angel,” Jongwoon warns him, sneaking his hands under Ryeowook’s shirt to gently rub the soft skin of his lower back.

“I don’t like seeing you so tense,” Ryeowook tells him in a cute but serious tone. He then slides his hands up Jongwoon’s chest to lightly rub at the stiff muscles on both sides of his neck, trailing it down to his shoulders before starting back at square one.

What Ryeowook is doing to him feels too nice for Jongwoon to stop it. He closes his eyes and lets the boy touch him—his fingers work like magic to detangle the knots, and he lets out a contented sigh. A hint of a smile creeps up on his lips when Ryeowook’s hands trail lower, immediately knowing where this is going to lead to, and he opens one eye to look at his baby, who seems too focused on what he’s doing to notice the man staring at him with proud and fond eyes.

“You crafty little boy,” Jongwoon chuckles, making Ryeowook grin in amusement. “If you wanted my cock so badly, you should’ve said so from the beginning.”

“It’s more fun this way,” Ryeowook quips, having now reached the bulge in Jongwoon’s underwear, tracing the curve of his hardening cock over the fabric.

“I’m starting to believe you really want to get punished,” Jongwoon states, though he still shows absolutely no sign that he wants to stop Ryeowook from doing what he’s doing.

Ryeowook hums pensively. “You can do whatever you want with me,” he replies seductively, “_after _ I get to suck you off.”

“I’m not gonna go easy on you if you want to bargain with me like that,” Jongwoon groans, both to appear threatening and because Ryeowook has just started jerking him off under his boxer-briefs and _ fuck, it’s good_.

“Worth it,” Ryeowook claims, finally pulling out Jongwoon’s cock from his underwear, and he slides down to his knees on the floor, settling between Jongwoon’s legs.

Seemingly not in a teasing mood, Ryeowook doesn’t waste much time before taking the tip of Jongwoon’s cock into his mouth, and he gently suckles on it, running his tongue flat against the sensitive nerve resting right at the base of the head. He fucking knows what he’s doing and it drives Jongwoon crazy—he’s usually not the type to get so riled up, at least not in this manner, but Ryeowook’s mouth does shit to him he’s never experienced before and it’s not something he’s ever going to get used to. He’s so good at this that Jongwoon is left legitimately torn between letting the boy work his magic on his own or to force him to choke and gag on his cock for a while, and it’s saying a lot given the man usually _ hates _ leaving the other in control even a little bit—but he knows he could take it back in the blink of an eye with Ryeowook, so it doesn’t bother him as much as it normally would.

Jongwoon’s hand comes to rest on the back of Ryeowook’s head, rubbing circles with his thumb at the top to silently praise the boy for his good work. He looks down at him with pride and Ryeowook meets his gaze for a minute, humming in content around his cock before slowly letting it slip out of his mouth to lick a stripe under the shaft, from base to tip.

Precum smears over the boy’s lips when he decides to give the head a kiss right over the slit, and Jongwoon throws his head back, too overwhelmed by the scene unfolding in front of him. “I’ve never met anyone who loves my cock as much as you do,” Jongwoon compliments, voice sultry and a little hoarse. “You’re so amazing, baby. Such a shame you had to be such a little brat.”

With that, Jongwoon pulls on Ryeowook’s hair, forcing the boy to open his mouth again, and he thrusts up into it, hitting the back of his throat hard enough to make him gag on his moan—he knows his baby loves being used like this, and the blissful look on his face only serves to prove that.

Jongwoon lets him just enough time to catch his breath before forcing his head back down again, stopping for a second to feel the muscles at the back of his tongue struggle to get used to the intrusion; Ryeowook goes limp in his grasp, completely passing the reins over to him without a fuss, just happy that _ his daddy _ can make use of him for his own pleasure. That’s all the boy truly cares about—he gets enough satisfaction from knowing he can help Jongwoon get off.

Jongwoon pushes on his head again, all the way down until Ryeowook’s nose presses against his pelvis. The boy’s throat closes down on him, making him choke and struggling to breathe, and he can feel the fabric of his panties growing wet and pulling against the seams as his own cock swells—he loves this too much.

“Look at you,” Jongwoon marvels, breathing out in content and admiration. “It’s like you need my cock more than you need to breathe.”

Jongwoon’s other hand reaches for Ryeowook’s throat, feeling the muscles clench and spasm under his touch, and he smiles at him lovingly before finally pulling him away as the boy’s vision starts to black out. Ryeowook’s head is heavy in his grasp, and tears are forming at the corner of his eyes. Jongwoon gently wipes them away, with the boy compulsively seeking the comfort of his touch and nuzzling into his hand; he’s fully fallen into subspace now, and he’s so cute it almost hurts.

Jongwoon could continue playing this little game with him, but he finds he doesn’t want to. Despite being a tease and trying to take command, ultimately, Ryeowook was right. He needed a break and to find a way to relax; Jungsoo can wait until tomorrow. For tonight, Jongwoon just feels compelled to let his baby know how thankful he is to have him the best way he knows how.

He may be too emotionally stuck up to say it out loud, but he’s fully intent on letting Ryeowook know how much he loves him through his actions tonight. All he hopes is that his message gets across, but at this point, he has no doubt the boy will understand without him needing to utter a single word.

Ryeowook _ did _ tell him back in Taiwan that he doesn’t need to say it back because _ he knows_, and that in itself is the most reassuring thing he’s ever heard anyone say to him.

Ryeowook used to boast about being independent and not needing anyone in his life, but he currently wonders where that’s all gone to when he’s left staring at the ceiling in Jongwoon’s living room, bored out of his mind because his boyfriend left about an hour ago to meet up with Jungsoo, in hopes of fixing his writer’s block. His sketchbook lays sadly at his feet on the coffee table, TV turned on to some random podcast on YouTube he pulled up to act as background noise to make the apartment feel less empty, and he sighs in frustration.

He’s been spending almost every waking moment with Jongwoon since the end of May, and they’re now entering the second week of July, yet it seems neither of them are able to get tired of each other—Ryeowook can’t even _ fathom _ such a thing happening in the first place. But it’s not like they’re obsessed or unable to function on their own; they’re just very prone to boredom when they’re alone without the other, which is kind of annoying.

Getting to his feet, Ryeowook decides he might as well use this time to finally get around to reading one of Jongwoon’s works. He’s been meaning to do that for a while now, but he’s always been a little apprehensive about doing it in front of the man himself. If there’s anything he’s learned about the man concerning his career, it’s that he’s very critical of himself, and he doesn’t know if he’d feel entirely comfortable seeing Ryeowook engrossed in one of his books.

For some reason, Ryeowook just imagines the man sitting across from him, watching him expectantly and wanting to pull out his hair, which _ is _ sort of funny now that he really thinks about it.

Horror, paranormal stuff and psychological thrillers are usually things Ryeowook enjoys—he’s a big fan of horror movies, but he reminds himself that he has to keep in mind that getting attached to Jongwoon’s characters will probably prove to be a mistake, even for the main ones.

Carefully, he pulls out every one of Jongwoon’s books to take a closer look at them. He knows he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover—quite literally in this case—but the one for _ The Darkening _ immediately catches his attention. It’s a portrait of what he assumes is a young man shrouded by dark mist and his face grossly scribbled out, as though the person who did this had unleashed their anger, and it was done in such a way that at first glance, it really looked like the paper had been ripped from the force of the strokes.

Picking it up from the bunch, Ryeowook flips the cover around to read the summary, which to his surprise, is also scribbled out in some parts, making it impossible to fully understand what the book is about. Whatever this marketing tactic was, it is very effective, because Ryeowook decides _ this _ is the book he wants to read without getting a second look at the others displayed on the coffee table.

Sitting back onto the couch, Ryeowook gets sucked into this world Jongwoon is presenting him within the first few pages of the book, so much so that he completely loses track of time and even awareness of his surroundings until he hears someone banging at the door. He thinks he’s hallucinated it for a few seconds when he looks up to watch the door and the sounds immediately stop, only for them to start again when he’s about to go back to his reading.

He’s a bit confused as to who could be on the other side, because Jongwoon hasn’t told him he was expecting anyone to visit—he can only guess it’s most likely not Heechul since the guy knows the keycode and would’ve walked in without warning. He figures it might be someone from the party who came to check if they haven’t left anything of theirs here, as there are indeed a few things like a pair of sunglasses, a hoodie and a watch that the cleaners found stranded somewhere around the place, so he doesn’t think much of it when he walks up to the door to greet whoever it is that wishes to come here.

Ryeowook doesn’t recognize the guy standing before him, but there were a lot of people he never got around to meet at the party, so his theory still stands. He looks to be a bit older than him, maybe around twenty-five or so, not much taller than he is, and he’s looking at him like a deer in the headlights, frozen and confused in the middle of the doorway.

“I think I’m at the wrong place,” the man stammers, but his confusion only seems to grow when he peeks at the apartment over Ryeowook’s shoulder and clearly recognizes his surroundings. “Does Jongwoon still live here ?”

“Oh, hum, yeah,” Ryeowook confirms. “He went out for a meeting, though, but he shouldn’t take very long to come back.”

The guy scans over his features for a moment, trying to figure out who Ryeowook was, until his eyes widen in surprise and a giant smile appears on his face. “Oh, are you Jongwoon’s..?”

“Boyfriend ?” Ryeowook completes when the guy hesitates. “Yeah, I am.”

Taking him completely by surprise, the man pulls him into a hug, face lighting up in excitement, leaving Ryeowook stiff and frozen in place. He has no idea what’s happening.

“I’m so happy he found someone,” he then exclaims, pulling away, seemingly unbothered that Ryeowook hasn’t returned his embrace. “I came here to see him, but this is such a nice surprise.”

To say Ryeowook is confused is putting it very lightly, and the guy seems to notice his puzzlement after a bit.

“I’m an old friend of his,” he then clarifies. “We haven’t been in touch for a long time, and I lost his number after I changed my phone. And he doesn’t reply to messages on social media, so this was my last resort.”

“_Oh_,” Ryeowook exclaims. “Did you want to wait for him inside or..?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” the guy turns down, suddenly appearing a bit nervous. “I can just come back another day.”

“Or you can give me your number and I can tell Jongwoon to call you back ?” Ryeowook suggests after a moment of reflection.

The guy hesitates, balancing on his feet, but ultimately nods, agreeing.

“You can come in and wait here while I get a pen and paper,” Ryeowook allows him in.

The guy steps into the apartment, allowing Ryeowook to shut the door behind him before he beelines for the kitchen to rip a page of his little recipe notebook he always keeps on hand just in case he needs it. He surprises himself thinking the guy is kind of cute, reminiscent of a lost puppy in a way, and he smiles to himself remembering his reaction when he found out he and Jongwoon were dating.

Ryeowook returns to the guy, who’s looking around the place almost in awe, and he’s still a bit caught up in his wonder when he absentmindedly grabs the pen and piece of paper Ryeowook is handing out to him.

“This place has changed a lot since I last came here,” the guy chuckles, turning to the wall so he can write his number more easily. “But it still feels very Jongwoon.”

The guy hands the objects back over to Ryeowook, smiling brightly before opening the door behind him and getting ready to leave.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait for him ?”

“No, I’m okay,” he dismisses again. “Just tell him to call. I’m in no hurry.”

As the guy steps out of the apartment and starts walking down the hall, Ryeowook looks down at the paper, noticing he hasn’t written his name on it. Just his number, so the boy peeks his head around the doorframe to catch him before he walks away.

“Hey, you forgot to tell me your name !” Ryeowook calls out as the guy was about to push the door leading to the stairs.

He turns to him, blinking. “Oh, right, my bad !” he apologizes. “The name’s Lee Hyukjae, nice to meet you !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry


	14. L'appel du vide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to pretend Kyuhyun's character is actually self-aware that he's in a fanfic but just pretends he doesn't to avoid shocking or confusing the others even though it's not really the case (oR iS iT ????) and it's just bc he's weird ahah
> 
> This chapter is kind of all over the place and I meant for it to have a much more angsty and bleak note to it, but after discussing things with [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong), we decided it was best given what's up next to give you guys a break ahah
> 
> (Also I managed to post this chapter 20 minutes before Yesung's birthday ends, which means I managed to post a chapter both on Yesung's AND Ryeowook's birthday ahah)
> 
> And you know the usual : if you want to get updates on when the new chapter will come, you can [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon)
> 
> Also, FAIR WARNING : Hyukjae is very mentally unstable. Maybe it's TMI but I am diagnosed with BPD and I used the intrusive thoughts I get when I'm not on meds as a base for his behaviour, so if you struggle with BPD and/or self-harm, PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FIRST PART IN ITALICS. The rest of the chapter is safe, but if when you see the text change to entirely italics, SKIP AHEAD. The second part in italics later in the chapter is also safe. And for people who don't know what BPD is, please do not take this as an example of how we all are, this is an extreme case that went untreated for YEARS. Most of us don't act like this, especially not when it's under control, but it CAN (as in it's a POSSIBILITY, not a ALWAYS) happen if the person is left to handle this on their own without proper treatment. Please keep this in mind

Jongwoon is a little puzzled when he walks into his apartment and doesn’t get even so much as a ‘hello’, until he spots Ryeowook sitting on the couch in the living room, legs tucked to his side as if he wanted to take up as little space as possible, engrossed in a book he recognizes almost right away. He’s pretty sure the boy _ is _ at least aware of him coming home, but he seems too immersed in the story he’s reading to truly pay attention to him. Kicking his shoes off, Jongwoon decides to take his time putting his satchel bag carrying his laptop on one of the armchairs in his home office, and he smiles to himself.

For some reason, as weird as it can sound, the fact that Ryeowook didn’t greet him when he came in feels very domestic, as if they were so used to each other’s presence and coming back home to the other that welcoming them back was now nothing but a futility. However, he knows if this silence drags on for much longer, it will become awkward, so he goes back to the living room once he’s laid his bag on the chair.

Instead of taking a seat on the empty space next to Ryeowook right away, Jongwoon stands on the other side of the armrest the boy’s back is resting on. He starts kneading the muscles at the base of his nape and his upper shoulders, revelling a bit in the fact that Ryeowook lightly shivers at his touch, and he leans down to leave a kiss on the top of his head when he hears him quietly hum in satisfaction.

“I see you got really busy while I was gone,” Jongwoon smirks, leaning over his shoulder to peek at the book, and holds him tight.

Ryeowook is about third-way through the book, and he’s apparently too caught up still to give Jongwoon much of an answer aside from a small nod and a quick hum in agreement. Jongwoon doesn’t really mind it. As long as the boy lets him cuddle up to him, he’s fine with being ignored.

“How was your meeting with Jungsoo ?” Ryeowook questions him, but Jongwoon knows he’s only half paying attention. “Were you able to figure out what to do ?”

“He mostly tore my story to shreds,” Jongwoon chuckles. “But Sooman hired him for a reason. He knows what he’s doing, and I think I’ll be able to continue the story if I follow his advice.”

It’s weird for Jongwoon to speak so nicely of his editor. Whenever Jungsoo would pry his stories apart and essentially force him to rewrite most of it, he’d lose himself in a string of curses and insults until someone—usually his partner at the time, or whoever he was ranting to—calmed him down, but ever since he’s gotten to know the man and actually _ sort of _ befriend him, it’s easier for him to accept his criticism. Not that Jongwoon had a problem with the criticism itself, though. It was the rewriting part that got to him.

A lot of his anger issues have seemingly vanished from him by now, he realizes. He definitely still has a temper, but he hasn’t found himself falling into a fit of rage shouting and swearing since his last meeting with Sooman. He knows Ryeowook has played a huge part in it. The boy looks so delicate and gentle that he doesn’t want to startle him.

Ryeowook lets out a contented sigh before folding the corner of the page he’s stopping at to mark it for later and placing the book on the coffee table, finally electing to give his full attention to his boyfriend. He leans his head back against the armrest, reaching out for the man’s cheek to subtly suggest him to kiss him, something Jongwoon of course doesn’t miss.

It’s shallow, unhurried, and _ very _ lazy, with Jongwoon gently sucking on Ryeowook’s bottom lip as they move in unison—these are probably their favourite kind of kiss. No urgency lingering underneath, no expectation of it leading to something else. Just them enjoying each other’s presence and proximity, and it’s a kiss they can make last for a long time.

“How was your day ?” Jongwoon whispers, letting their lips connect one last time before pulling away and going back to nuzzling into Ryeowook’s neck.

“Spent it reading, as you can see,” Ryeowook giggles. “Someone came to see you, though, but he left when I told him you were out.”

Jongwoon pulls back, shooting Ryeowook a puzzled look. “Who was it ?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never met him before,” the boy shrugs. “He said he was an old friend of yours and left his number so you could call him back. Said his name was Lee Hyukjae.”

Jongwoon blanks out for a solid minute, immediately growing stiff and standing up almost robotically, as if he were suddenly repulsed by Ryeowook but didn’t want to let the boy know. Confused, the younger man turns around, kneeling on the couch to face Jongwoon, now pale as a ghost and staring into space, worrying him.

“Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook calls out to him, stretching up to touch his cheek again, but he can only manage to grab on to the curve connecting his neck to his shoulder, too short to reach even his jaw.

Jongwoon snaps back to reality, but instead of calmly responding to him like he normally would whenever he was stuck in a state of shock, the man just starts panicking, cupping Ryeowook’s face to scan over every trait, eyes rapidly moving from side to side.

“Are you okay ? He didn’t do anything to you, did he ?” Jongwoon interrogates him, frantic, and fear mixes in with Ryeowook’s initial confusion because his boyfriend looks absolutely terrified, leaving him to wonder what the hell kind of person Hyukjae could be to elicit such a response from him.

“No, I’m fine, I just don’t understand what’s happening—”

“I need you to tell me exactly what happened and what he said to you,” Jongwoon demands, but it comes off as more of a plea than anything else.

“Jongwoon, what’s going on ? Why are you freaking out so much ?” Ryeowook worries, and Jongwoon’s expression changes from panicked to hopeless and sad almost in an instant.

“Please,” he begs, voice shaking in anxiety. “Please, I need to know.”

Though he still doesn’t understand anything about the situation, Ryeowook’s heart shatters at the sight of his boyfriend so afraid and _ fragile_; it’s probably best to give Jongwoon what he’s asking for if he wishes to get answers right now.

“Nothing happened,” Ryeowook assures him. “He just said he was looking for you and that he was an old friend. The only thing he did was to give me a hug when he learned I was your boyfriend and give me his number. That’s all. I promise.”

Jongwoon definitely doesn’t look like he expected this answer, because he’s back to scanning Ryeowook’s expression, trying to find any signs that he might be lying or hiding something from him. “Are you… sure his name was Hyukjae..?”

“Yeah, that’s what he told me,” Ryeowook nods.

Jongwoon stays silent for too long afterwards, lost in his own thoughts. He’s swiping through all the possible reasons that could’ve led Hyukjae to come here in the first place, but none of his theories make any sense to him. Did he come back hoping to get back together again ? Why wait so long ? Was he trying to get revenge by breaking up his current relationship ? He doesn’t know. He has no clue. But he can’t possibly fathom Hyukjae having good intentions, not after what happened between them and the kind of person Hyukjae is. He doesn’t even want to trust the hug he gave to Ryeowook when he learned he was his boyfriend—he can’t believe in any way, shape or form that it was sincere.

“Jongwoon…” Ryeowook hesitates. “Who is that man ?”

Despite being very well aware that he can’t dismiss Ryeowook’s question and pretend it’s nothing, Jongwoon actually considers not telling him. He knows it’ll raise more questions he doesn’t think he can answer—questions he _ knows _ he can’t answer, but he’s stuck in a corner with no means of escape. At least, not if he doesn’t want to hurt Ryeowook’s feelings by pushing him away, which is something he absolutely wishes to avoid.

“My ex,” Jongwoon confesses, voice strangled. He almost sounds disgusted to call him that out loud. “The one I told you about that night in Taiwan.”

“... what ?”

While Jongwoon’s reaction now _ does _ make sense to him, his answer _ doesn’t_. Even with what little information Jongwoon had given him that night, Ryeowook’s been convinced that his ex was downright evil, and Hyukjae had seemed anything but. He knows it’s quick for him to judge that because they’ve talked to each other for maybe twenty minutes at most, but Ryeowook likes to think he can tell when someone is faking with him. Hyukjae _ had _ genuinely looked happy when they met and learned he and Jongwoon were together.

Ryeowook doesn’t doubt Jongwoon’s words, but it’s also hard for him to imagine it.

“I don’t get it,” Ryeowook blinks. “I don’t want to defend him because I believe you when you say he was abusive, but he just… he genuinely looked and _ was _ really sweet with me.”

“It doesn’t make sense to me either that he’d be so friendly with you,” Jongwoon confesses, shaking his head from side to side. “Trust me. I have no idea what he’s got in mind, but I don’t trust it. I just can’t.”

_ Deception _ was a weapon Hyukjae never had any qualms about using, he remembers it too well. He fell victim to it so many times without realizing it in the moment. Jongwoon’s always been good at reading people, but Hyukjae’s unpredictability made it nearly impossible to do so with him. It seems to still be the case today. He can’t figure out what he wants. He just knows he can’t trust it.

Not knowing what to say but also not wanting to stand there awkwardly and potentially making Jongwoon feel guilty for opening up—something the boy knows by now will happen if he leaves his boyfriend alone with his thoughts for too long—Ryeowook pulls on the man’s arm, inviting him to at least sit with him on the couch. Jongwoon hesitates to let Ryeowook hold him like he had a few days ago, on the night of Heechul’s birthday party, however; Ryeowook can tell the idea makes him very uncomfortable, so he doesn’t push it, instead changing his approach and opting for being the one to cuddle up to Jongwoon. The man is much more okay with this, responding to the embrace almost immediately, and he buries his nose into Ryeowook’s hair as they stay there in silence, allowing Jongwoon to at least catch his breath.

Jongwoon starts moving around after a bit. He’s trying to find a more comfortable position for them both, since he’s got a quite painful cramp in his leg now, and Ryeowook ends up cradled up into his arms, sitting between Jongwoon’s legs taking up most of the free space on the couch almost in a fetal position.

Jongwoon hooks one of his legs over Ryeowook’s, tucked to the side, effectively completely trapping him there. Ryeowook doesn’t know how this is comfortable for Jongwoon—he has no complaints for himself, though, because he gets to be completely engulfed in his boyfriend’s warmth and his position isn’t awkward for him—but if this is what the man has gone for, then it must mean he likes it this way.

It’s when Jongwoon pulls him closer to kiss him on the temple that Ryeowook decides to speak up, knowing Jongwoon won’t if he doesn’t give him a little push first.

“Can you…” he starts, hesitating a little and trying to speak as softly as possible to let Jongwoon know there’s no pressure. “Can you tell me what happened between you two ?”

Jongwoon’s grip on his upper arm tightens for a second, but the man doesn’t shut him off.

He lets out a heavy sigh. “I’ll need you to be more specific,” Jongwoon tells him, sounding unsure of what he’s saying. “Because I don’t think I’ll be able to recount the entire relationship from the beginning today.”

“You don’t have to tell me _ everything_,” Ryeowook assures him. “I just… I want to know what he did to you. So I can do my best to avoid making the same mistakes by accident.”

“I don’t think you could even if you tried,” Jongwoon huffs bitterly. “You and him are too different. You don’t guilt trip me into doing things I don’t want to do, for one.”

“That’s what he did with you ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods. “Constantly. He was an expert at it. He refused to take no for an answer. It had the same effect on him as if I told him I didn’t want him anymore, and he made me feel that. He saw my boundaries as rejection and he’d make sure I felt horrible enough to cave in each time.”

That’s not mentioning the fact that he’d go as far as to make him feel like he wasn’t good enough for him—that if he couldn’t provide what he needed, then Jongwoon was useless, or a bad person because he didn’t try hard enough. He constantly threw back at his face the promise Jongwoon had made him to take care of him. And Jongwoon excused him every time because Hyukjae never threw a fit; he never cried inconsolably, yelled, or gave him the cold shower. He’d just state all these things as fact while looking upset, and Jongwoon was dumb enough to believe him.

“He had a lot of issues,” Jongwoon continues. “I was aware of it from the beginning. I told him he should see someone and get help, but he convinced me I was the only thing he needed. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough while at the same time telling me he couldn’t function without me. He was completely emotionally dependent on me, so of course he wouldn’t want me to go. That’s why he made sure I’d feel guilty enough to not even consider leaving him. And so he did just that. Every single day, for almost three years.”

Ryeowook’s hold on him tightens when Jongwoon’s voice quivers a little in bitterness and regret. He can also feel the man’s heartbeat racing against the side of his head, despite how calm he appears on the outside. Ryeowook can’t possibly imagine what it must’ve been like for him to live through that. Jongwoon is a sensitive man and one he knows wouldn’t hesitate to bend himself over in half to help the ones he cares about from what he’s observed when it comes to how his boyfriend treats _ him_, so he can see how Hyukjae’s unacceptable behaviour would’ve impacted him. Jongwoon is just too nice for his own good.

“Did you ever talk about it to someone ?” Ryeowook questions, wanting to know if at least someone supported him through all of this.

“I never brought that up myself,” Jongwoon confides, “but Heechul and my brother, Jongjin, often tried to make me see something was wrong in all of this. I ignored them for too long. It’s my biggest regret in all of this.”

It’s not entirely true. His biggest regret is distancing himself from Jongjin because Hyukjae made him feel like he had to—like he had to choose between him and his family, and Jongwoon’s guilt ended up choosing the former like a complete moron. But it’s not something he wishes to tell Ryeowook about, at least not yet. Not until he gathers the courage to reply to his brother and try to make things right with him.

“But you did see it in the end,” Ryeowook states. “Better late than never, isn’t it ?” He doesn’t know what this is going to help with, but he at least wants to let Jongwoon know that while it took him a long time to understand, the important thing was that he did get out of this abusive relationship in the end.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods, subconsciously pulling Ryeowook even closer to him. His eyes cloud over as he’s forced to remember the day of their break up, the events playing like a movie in his mind. “I guess.”

_ “I’m not doing that,” Jongwoon spat, recoiling in horror from Hyukjae. He was visibly disturbed by what his partner had just asked him, which seemed to confuse Hyukjae more than it should have. _

_ “Why not ?” Hyukjae blinked, pushing his upper body up on his forearms. _

_ “It’s too dangerous,” Jongwoon warned him. “I thought we agreed leaving permanent scars on each other was out of question.” _

_ “It’s my body, though,” Hyukjae retorted, growing upset. “I want this—I _ need _ this, Jongwoon. I need this fucking pain to go away, _ please_.” _

_ “No,” Jongwoon held his ground, though Hyukjae could tell he was wavering. If he kept prodding him a little more, he knew he would get what he wanted in the end. “No, I’m not doing that. I’m not gonna hurt you like that.” _

_ “You’re making me hurt _ now_,” Hyukjae teared up. His voice remained at the same level, though, just cracking a little. “You always do what I ask for, why are you being so harsh on me now ?” _

_ “Because I _ care _ about your well-being.” Jongwoon was growing angrier by the minute, restless and shaking; barely, but enough to be noticeable. “I’m looking out for you, baby. And I’m not comfortable doing this to you.” _

_ “So you’d rather I suffer alone without a way to distract myself from my own mind ?” Hyukjae threw back at him. He started to shake too, stomach churning in panic—he fucking needed this and he couldn’t understand why Jongwoon was being so stubborn. It was just a whip; yeah, it could cause bleeding and permanent scarring, but he honestly didn’t give a shit right now. _

_ “It has nothing to do with that and you know it,” Jongwoon accused. He looked genuinely upset, but so was Hyukjae, and this was all the latter could think about. _

_ He was having those thoughts again; the ones that screamed at him that no one loved him, that everyone would leave like every person had, and he saw Jongwoon’s refusal to help him the way he needed to be helped as proof of this. He needed them to go away before they got too painful and led him down a self-destructive path again, unable to see that asking someone else to hurt him instead of doing it himself was essentially the same thing. _

_ “What is it, then ?” Hyukjae asks, getting to his feet so he could be on Jongwoon’s level. “You say you care but the second I tell you what I need, you back off and berate me. How else am I supposed to take that ? It’s always like this with you. I always have to do the work so you can actually do your job and honor the promise you made when we got together. You said you’d always be there for me when I need you, but you’re a liar.” _

_ “Don’t you dare say I’ve never done anything for you,” Jongwoon scowled. “Don’t you fucking dare say that when I’ve been supporting you financially for almost three years because you can’t find a job and gave you everything you possibly could’ve wanted, no matter if it’s material or emotional. You constantly ignore my boundaries and force me to do things I’m not comfortable doing, and I do it because I don’t want to upset you, but this ? This is crossing the line, even considering all the other shit you’ve made me do.” _

_ “So I’m the bad guy in all of this ? Is that what you’re saying ?” Hyukjae scoffed. _

_ “I’m not saying you’re the bad guy,” Jongwoon refuted. “I’m saying you need help. From a professional who knows what they’re doing, because _ I _ don’t. I don’t have the capacities to deal with your shit. Not to the level you expect me to.” _

_ “I knew it,” Hyukjae resigned. “I fucking knew it. You just want to get rid of me like everyone else. Like I’m trash you can throw to the curb without remorse.” _

_ “I don’t want to get rid of you !” Jongwoon shouted, aggravated beyond anything Hyukjae had seen—well, had seen directed towards him, because hell did Jongwoon have a temper—making the younger man flinch, expecting Jongwoon to hit him. _

_ Jongwoon wasn’t a violent man, but Hyukjae couldn’t deal with people raising their voices, always expecting the worst to come crashing down on him. _

_ “But I can’t fucking do this anymore, Hyukjae,” Jongwoon confessed. He sounded exhausted, upset, angry and regretful, all jumbled together into a coil tearing him from the inside. He felt bad for Hyukjae. He truly did, but there was only so much guilt-tripping and accusations of being a dick to him he could take before he broke. _

_ He was breaking, now. Three years of pent up frustration and insecurities were coming to the surface, clouding his mind and judgement—it wasn’t like him to get this mad at someone he cared about, especially to the extent that he cared about Hyukjae. The man before him was the only partner he’s ever had who saw him for the person he really was and accepted it without fear. He was the man he turned on his family for, because he’d judged he could make him more happy than his own parents and brother. He saw now that no matter how much he loved him, he and Hyukjae couldn’t be together. Not if this was the relationship they had. _

_ He realized now that he wasted the past three years of his life trying to make their relationship work when it was never meant to be. Wasted all this time trying to drown his own pain and pretend it wasn’t there, trying to convince himself Hyukjae wasn’t destroying him from the inside, but it was clear now. _

_ “I was wrong thinking I could fix you,” Jongwoon spoke through gritted teeth. He was too angry to think about his words. “You fooled me into believing that, but you’re too broken for me to put you back together.” _

_ “I can’t believe you,” Hyukjae chided, shaking his head from side to side. “I can’t believe you’d say something like that when you’re the one who fucking broke me. It should only be fair that you fix the mess you created, shouldn’t it ?” _

_ “You were broken from the beginning,” Jongwoon countered, but he couldn’t deny that what Hyukjae just told him then pierced right through his heart. Fuck. It hurt. _

_ “So were you,” Hyukjae blamed him. “You made me worse by breaking all the promises you made. I trusted you, but you just proved me that I was right. No one fucking gives a shit about me. Not even you. You just wanted someone to make you feel like you weren’t the only person out there who was fucked up.” _

_ Jongwoon’s fists clenched on their own. Hyukjae always knew where to hit to cause the most damage, but he’d never been so vile. The older man thought he knew better than to believe him, aware that Hyukjae loved to toy with him and his insecurities to keep him in his grasp, but he ended up giving him reason. At this point, his self-esteem was crushed and nearly non-existent, so he couldn’t convince himself otherwise. _

_ He couldn’t make Hyukjae happy, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how far he’d bend to cater to his needs. No matter how many displays of affection and nights of pure passion he could give him. He just wasn’t enough for him. So maybe it would be best if he let him go and find happiness elsewhere. _

_ “Then I think you should leave,” Jongwoon stated, though it sounded like an order rather than a suggestion like he phrased it. _

_ “What ?” _

_ “You heard me,” Jongwoon denounced, trying his hardest not to raise his voice at him. “I’ll pack your stuff and send it to you tomorrow.” _

_ “You can’t—” _

_ “Get the fuck out,” Jongwoon snapped, pointing to the door. He was starting to tear up, and he refused to let Hyukjae see him like that. “I’ll pay for your fucking hotel room if you can’t find somewhere to stay, but I don’t want to see your face anymore. Get out. Now.” _

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook apologizes, bringing Jongwoon back from memory lane, concerned by the man’s drawn out silence. “I feel bad for asking now.”

“Don’t,” Jongwoon assures him, thought they both could hear the lump in his throat strangling his words a little. “I shouldn’t have kept this from you for so long. You deserved to know about the whole… messy part, at least. It’s just…”

“I know,” Ryeowook smiles up at him—a small one, but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you for telling me, though.”

“Thank you for being there,” Jongwoon retaliates, giving the boy a kiss on the forehead. He keeps his lips there for a while, nose resting at the top of his head, as he stares off into space.

“Let’s go make dinner together,” Ryeowook suddenly suggests, hoping to distract Jongwoon from his negative thoughts.

Jongwoon pulls away to look down at him. He knows Ryeowook is trying to look happy for the both of them, and he really appreciates his efforts to make him feel better. He doesn’t know if it’ll work in the end, because the pain in his heart is almost unbearable enough to get him to cry, but it won’t cost anything to try.

“Lead the way.”

Jongwoon lets go of him so he can stand up, and the man follows suit. He doesn’t know what Ryeowook’s got in mind for them tonight or how hard it’ll be to make, but he hopes he doesn’t end up fucking things up because he’s _ still _ terrible at cooking unless the boy is right there behind him to tell him exactly what to do.

As they pass by the counter, Jongwoon notices the piece of paper lying there, as if taunting him—a phone number, which he assumes to be Hyukjae’s. His blood starts boiling, and he stares at it for way too long before he grabs it, intent on ripping it apart and throwing it in the recycle bin. However, as he goes to tear it, some invisible force seemingly stops him at the last second, and he’s left staring at it again. His mind goes blank then, unable to think of anything at all, and he’s only brought back to reality when Ryeowook grabs him by the wrist.

The boy is looking at him with stern but caring eyes, letting Jongwoon know exactly what he’s thinking. _ ‘Stop torturing yourself like this’_, he can hear in his head, and he discards the paper to the side for now, telling himself he can always throw it away later when his mind is no longer a jumbled mess of nonsense.

Ryeowook’s idea of _ cooking together _ quickly turns into him doing all the work while a manchild clings to his back, but it’s not like he minds it. Or like he expected anything else from the big baby he calls his boyfriend.

It takes about a week for Ryeowook to forget about the paper with Hyukjae’s number on it, assuming Jongwoon threw it away at some point since he can no longer see it lying on the kitchen counter where he’s last spotted it. The paper is, however, the only thing that leaves his mind, because his boyfriend is visibly _ still _ shaken by the ordeal even now. The man _ is _ trying his best to leave it behind, though. _ That_, Ryeowook can tell intuitively, and he understands now that he knows a little more about his past that it’s not something he can get over so easily.

To be honest, he’s just glad and relieved that Jongwoon hasn’t grown distant with him again and the fact that his ex has randomly shown up in his life again didn’t make things awkward. It’s quite the opposite, actually, since Jongwoon rarely blew him off and pretended it was nothing whenever he’d catch him zoning out and ask about what he was thinking. Most times, it was about his book—he only brought up Hyukjae once, and it was because Jongwoon was considering getting a restraining order on him, which Ryeowook thought was kind of ridiculous and overexaggerated.

Needless to say he doesn’t expect to find Hyukjae’s number tucked under the cookbooks on the corner of the island counter when he’s making dinner one night about a week later, and he’d be lying if he claimed the sight doesn’t upset him at least a little bit. It’s easy for him to assume Jongwoon tried to hide it from him, but he doesn’t want to believe that. Jongwoon is smarter than this, and he thinks if he had wanted to contact Hyukjae in secret, he would’ve saved the number in his phone and thrown the paper away.

Maybe Jongwoon forgot it was there too, he convinces himself, but the uneasiness he feels toward it doesn’t go away. His first thought is to get rid of it; something inside of him stops him, though, because he feels like he has to know the truth first before doing anything.

Jongwoon comes out of the shower a few minutes later, unaware of the things bubbling in Ryeowook’s mind. He still appears to be zoning out, walking up to sit and slump over the island counter like a zombie, which Ryeowook assumes is more due to his lack of sleep lately than anything else.

“I told you not to overwork yourself,” Ryeowook scolds him gently.

“I have six weeks left to finish my story,” Jongwoon grumbles. “I don’t have a choice.”

“You won’t be able to finish it if you burn yourself out first,” the boy counters, reaching over to ruffle Jongwoon’s hair, teasing him.

“I think it’s just my brain that’s turning into mush,” Jongwoon mumbles, swatting Ryeowook’s hand away, but instead of just slapping it and leaving it at that, he intertwines their fingers together.

Ryeowook chuckles, finding the way Jongwoon is acting right now kind of adorable, before letting go of his hand so he could get back to work.

Jongwoon stays bent over the counter, face buried in the crook of his arm, not noticing the troubled expression on Ryeowook’s face as the boy tries to think of a way to bring up the phone number story without sounding like a jealous boyfriend. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to think he’s assuming things based on nothing.

“Hey, I was wondering,” Ryeowook finally speaks up, lowering the heat under the pan to prevent it from burning while his attention is focused on something else.

Jongwoon lifts his head up to look at him, curious.

“Did you want me to throw this ?” the boy asks, gesturing toward the piece of paper he left on top of the cookbooks. “I found it under the pile and I thought you might have forgotten it.”

Jongwoon suddenly straightens up, his expression shifting from sleepy to serious, and Ryeowook understands he was right thinking Jongwoon _ hasn’t _ forgotten about it. He watches as Jongwoon’s eyes lose their shine, becoming cloudy and almost lifeless, the longer he stares at the paper, waiting for the man to speak up.

“The night Hyukjae left, I made a promise that I would never see him again,” Jongwoon confesses flatly, shifting his gaze over to Ryeowook, eyes immediately turning gloomier and sadder. “A week ago, I was still abiding by it. But I’ve been staring at this fucking piece of paper for an entire week when I _ know _ I should just rip it apart and move on. It’s upsetting, because it’s not fair to you. I’m sorry.”

Taking a deep breath, Jongwoon reaches for the paper with full intent on getting rid of it for good, but to his surprise, he’s stopped by Ryeowook, who puts his hand over his, deterring him from getting through with his plan.

Ryeowook himself has no idea what’s just gotten to him because he’s _ still _ upset, but he keeps his ground, lightly pinning Jongwoon’s hand against the countertop.

“Are you thinking of meeting him ?” Ryeowook asks, hoping deep down that the answer is no. He doesn’t understand why it hurts him so much given he knows Jongwoon won’t cheat on him, but it does, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

“My heart honestly really doesn’t want to,” Jongwoon confirms, frowning in frustration. “But there’s a little voice inside my head that tells me maybe I should go, in case it can make me understand certain things so I can finally start doing right by you.”

Jongwoon’s genuine words _ do _ help soothe the ache in Ryeowook’s heart—he’s making him understand that the reason he’s considering the idea is so he can face his demons for their sake, and the boy really appreciates it.

“I’m just annoyed by all of this because I don’t want him to keep ruining my life when I finally have the chance to be happy.”

Ryeowook regrets his words before he even opens his mouth to speak. “Maybe you should go, then ?” Fuck. What the hell is he thinking ?

“I really don’t know,” Jongwoon shakes his head. “I don’t trust him. I don’t know what he wants. If he comes back to try and make me feel like shit again—”

“Jongwoon, stop,” Ryeowook urges him, bending over the counter to look him in the eye. “Whatever he said to you back then, it’s not true. Maybe this is your chance to finally understand that he’s been lying to you and that you’re not what he says you are.”

Jongwoon blinks, in complete shock at Ryeowook’s sudden assertiveness. He really didn’t expect him to react this way. The boy is too considerate for his own good.

“I don’t know,” Jongwoon repeats. “I’ll think about it.”

“Isn’t that what you did all week ?” Ryeowook mocks him, letting out an awkward little chuckle.

“I wasn’t taking it seriously enough,” Jongwoon defends before the odor of something burning catches his attention. “Something’s burning.”

Alarmed, Ryeowook turns around to see that the pan has started to smoke, and everything that just happened is quickly forgotten as he runs up to it to try and salvage it before it’s too late.

He doesn’t do a bad job at it. It’s definitely overcooked, but not charred and inedible. He did offer Jongwoon to scrap it and start over with something else, but the man convinced him to leave it like that. It’s definitely not the best he’s done, but it’s not that bad, so he guesses he’ll have to settle for that even if he’s a bit embarrassed by what happened.

“It’s still much better than take out,” Jongwoon jokes, poking fun at himself. It’s a miracle he didn’t get sick from eating only prepped meals and restaurant food for most of his adult life. “One day I hope I’ll be able to do that for you on my own and have it actually _ be good_,” he then confesses, sounding a little shy. “I don’t want you to always do all the work.”

“I really don’t mind, though,” Ryeowook assures him.

“I know,” the man smiles at him. “I just can’t help but feel like I’m essentially forcing you to because I’m _ shit _ at it.”

“It’s fine,” Ryeowook chuckles. “It’s not like you treat me like a slave either.”

Now that he knows a lot more about Jongwoon’s past experiences, it makes so much more sense to Ryeowook why Jongwoon hates leaving things up to him so much. It’s not just a matter of control and dominance. The man is just scarred from his previous relationship where he was guilt-tripped and forced to do things and he’s afraid to start doing it too, to the point where he feels bad for the smallest things that could be interpreted as such if he squints at it. It pains him to see just how affected his boyfriend still is from this, though he knows three years of this kind of treatment can’t be healed so easily.

Maybe this is why he prevented Jongwoon from throwing Hyukjae’s number away even if he himself wishes to burn it. He doesn’t believe Jongwoon’s hesitation comes from wanting to go back to his ex. He’s just hurt and facing his past, while also making things worse, is probably the only way he can get over this and finally heal. Ryeowook _ wants _ to be selfish and prevent him from going, but he hates the prospect that this might cause Jongwoon to carry these scars for the rest of his life even more. He doesn’t want the man to resent him for it either.

“I know this is unrelated, but I need to ask you something,” Jongwoon then announces, sounding more serious than before. Ryeowook watches as his boyfriend takes the cursed piece of paper from under his plate, where he hid it while he was setting the table, and pushes it over to lie on the table between them. “It’s about this.”

Jongwoon’s expression is completely unreadable, making it impossible for Ryeowook to even have an idea of what his boyfriend is thinking about, so he doesn’t respond. He simply stares at the paper, then at the man, expecting him to continue.

“I’m leaving the decision up to you,” Jongwoon tells him with absolute certainty—he means it. “Whether you tell me to go or tear the paper apart, I’ll accept whatever you choose with no regret or ill feelings. I may not know what I want, but if there’s something I’m sure of, it’s that I would never do anything that could potentially upset or make you uncomfortable. So, yeah. You decide what’s best for the both of us and I’ll do it.”

Ryeowook stares at his boyfriend with wide eyes. This was probably the last thing he expected from the man, and he’s absolutely confident that Jongwoon is actually serious and genuine when he says he won’t hold his decision against him. And he really fucking wants to get rid of any trace of Hyukjae in Jongwoon’s life—but he’s hesitating, not knowing if getting rid of his number or letting Jongwoon set things straight is the right way to go about it.

Noticing Ryeowook’s hesitation, Jongwoon angrily grabs the paper and prepares himself to rip it to pieces—he’s not angry at the boy’s indecision, but at the fact that Hyukjae is currently affecting them _ both _ negatively—but he’s stopped yet again by his boyfriend telling him to wait.

Jongwoon reluctantly lets the piece of paper fall down onto the table, looking at Ryeowook with a confused expression.

“You should go,” Ryeowook forces out, closing his eyes while doing so, clearly already regretting it.

“Baby,” Jongwoon calls him out, taking his hand in his. “Don’t force yourself to make a choice you don’t want to make because you think this is what I want. I told you. What I want is for you not to regret and feel uncomfortable about this situation.”

Ryeowook takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “No, I think you should go,” he states with a little more conviction this time. “I don’t want him to keep haunting you like this, and I feel like he will if you don’t talk to him.”

Jongwoon sighs in defeat and frustration. Ryeowook has a point, as much as he hates to admit it. But he’s still scared the boy is still making that decision against his will, so he’s not ready to accept it so easily just yet. Not until he’s _ absolutely _ sure Ryeowook is okay with this.

“Are you sure ?” Jongwoon checks. “Are you absolutely sure you’re okay with that ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods. “I just want this to be over so you stop beating yourself up so much. I want you to be happy. And if that’s what it takes to get there, then so be it.”

“Alright,” Jongwoon finally agrees, though his heart is heavy and Ryeowook can hear it in his voice. “But you’re allowed to change your mind, okay ? Even at the last minute. I don’t care if I have to bail on him. _ You _ matter more than he could ever wish he did.”

Jongwoon slumps back into his chair. He’s visibly angry, with his jaw clenched and his grasp on Ryeowook’s hand tightening enough for the boy to feel the obvious difference, and breathing heavily. Ryeowook finds comfort in this, as much as he dislikes seeing Jongwoon this way—he has no doubt that his boyfriend fucking hates this guy.

To be honest, Ryeowook really doesn’t like the fact that he’s having the same type of thoughts as a jealous boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he’s so worried about exactly, because after all Jongwoon has told him and the way he’s reacting to it, it makes absolutely no sense that he’d entertain the idea of going back with his ex. So why does he hate it so much ? It really irks him, and it’s a thought that doesn’t leave his mind for the rest of the night, as much as he wishes he should shake it away and let himself enjoy Jongwoon’s company.

Ryeowook can tell the man is trying his best to reassure him, and it works to a certain extent. He allows himself to cuddle up to him and manages to at least focus on half the movie they decided to watch, to laugh at Jongwoon’s silly jokes and comments and to make some of his own, but by the time they’re getting ready to go to bed, these thoughts still haunt him and it shows.

And it’s not something Jongwoon is going to allow him to go to sleep on, not if he can help it.

Just as the boy is about to walk to his side of the bed, Jongwoon grabs him by the wrist, pulling him toward him and spinning him around so he can take him in his arms, cradling him and leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead. Ryeowook feels like he’s going to cry for a second, though he has no fucking idea why—maybe the anxiety falling all at once, he theorizes—but he manages to stop his tears before they even form, and he allows himself to relax into Jongwoon’s arms, returning the embrace just as strongly.

“You know you’re the only thing that matters to me, right ?” Jongwoon murmurs, gently rocking them from side to side.

Ryeowook nods against his chest. Of course he knows. He just feels guilty for being so upset over the whole situation when he knows for a fact that he has nothing to worry about.

Seemingly not satisfied with this response, Jongwoon pulls back to cup Ryeowook’s face in his hands, forcing the boy to look at him. “Baby, I mean it. You mean the world to me. And if just saying that can’t convince you, I’ll spend every day making sure you feel it until the very end.”

“I already do,” Ryeowook whispers. “I just—”

“I know,” Jongwoon cuts him. “I wouldn’t like it either if I were in your shoes. You’re being very selfless telling me to go see him. Just remember that I’m doing it to prevent him from coming between us, okay ?”

“Yeah, okay,” Ryeowook nods.

Jongwoon smiles proudly at him and reaches down again to kiss him on the forehead. “You’re such a good boy. You’re amazing, baby, please never doubt that.”

That familiar and pleasant bubbling in his stomach that Jongwoon always seems to trigger comes back then—now reassured by all of Jongwoon’s compliments and affirmations, Ryeowook feels a lot lighter than he’d been ten minutes ago. He feels ashamed and ridiculous for making such a big deal out of this when he trusts Jongwoon more than anyone else, and his first instinct is to apologize to him, though he doesn’t in the end because he knows the man will shut him off and tell him there’s nothing to worry about.

Ryeowook stares up at his boyfriend to meet his gaze full of care and affection, with a tinge of worry that dissipates once the boy gives him a little smile to assure him that he’s okay now. Jongwoon then leans down slowly, connecting their lips into what he means to be a quick peck that turns into a full-blown kiss despite him, to which Ryeowook doesn’t complain. He needs that intimacy right now, to feel close to him, inseparable; he returns it with just as much passion as his boyfriend, growing in intensity until the man decides it would be more appropriate for them to at least get on the bed to continue their activities more comfortably.

Jongwoon silently encourages Ryeowook to jump and hook his legs around his waist by slightly bending his knees and placing his hands on the back of his thighs, right under the curve of his ass, an invitation Ryeowook doesn’t object to for even a second. Without breaking the kiss, the man walks to the side of the bed to delicately lay his boyfriend down on his pillow, climbing on top of him shortly after.

Jongwoon has no intentions of bringing this further, simply wanting Ryeowook to feel loved and know how important he is to him, and neither does the boy for that matter; still, the latter soon finds himself lightly grinding up against Jongwoon’s crotch, almost as a reflex, since he’s not even aware of what he’s doing at first until his cock grows too sensitive from the friction for him to ignore.

Jongwoon, however, has felt it since the beginning, but he decided not to engage in his turn. He doesn’t want Ryeowook to think this is about sex for him. It really isn’t—he’s not even in the mood for it either. At least not for penetrative sex, seeking something more intimate than that, and seeing as the boy doesn’t seem to want to stop, an idea pops into his head.

He’s never done this before, not that this is really surprising given he’s never been this _ soft _ for anyone, but he feels like this is right for him and Ryeowook. As the kiss turns a bit sloppy and lazy, Jongwoon sneaks a hand into the tight space between them to rub Ryeowook’s bulge over his underwear until it completely hardens. The boy moans into the kiss—a sound akin to a pleading whine, something Jongwoon goes absolutely crazy for whenever he does it—weakly thrusting into Jongwoon’s hand and encouraging him to keep going.

This feeling he’s overwhelmed with is quite strange for Ryeowook, because he’s not horny or needy like he usually is. It doesn’t feel like it’s a physical need, but it’s not something undesirable either given Jongwoon is tending and catering to him now. Which only makes his need for proximity and touch worse, because the way the man always takes care of him like he’s the most precious little thing on Earth is what he loves the most about their usual relationship dynamic. He can sense that it’s still there, too, lingering somewhere under Jongwoon’s loving caresses and attention, and it’s enough to have his mind start floating somewhere above him.

Fuck, he loves this man too much.

Carefully, Jongwoon pulls Ryeowook’s cock out over the hem of his boxers, not bothering with taking it off fully. He then does the same with his own, having grown hard from the friction too in the end and, without a word, he plants himself on his knees between Ryeowook’s legs, guiding them to wrap around his waist so he’s got room to play with for what he has in mind.

Breaking the kiss at last, Jongwoon lets out a satisfied hum before taking Ryeowook’s right hand in his own to bring it closer to their cocks.

“We’re gonna try something new, okay ?” he tells him, wrapping the boy’s fingers around the both of them, and he encasses it with his own on the other side to make sure his grip doesn’t loosen. He can feel Ryeowook’s precum tickling the underside of his shaft, and though he really _ does _ mean for it to be on the softer and more affectionate side of things, he can’t help but marvel over how small Ryeowook is next to him.

His stupid reverse size kink apparently didn’t get the memo that this _ wasn’t the time to come out_, but he’s able to keep it for him without much trouble.

“Keep it there firmly,” Jongwoon orders, though his voice is soft enough not to make it sound like one.

Ryeowook nods to let him know he understands, and this is Jongwoon’s green light to start grinding against him, rubbing their cocks against each other’s. He sets a very slow pace, making sure to roll his hips down into Ryeowook’s, that he never picks up. For once, it’s not something the boy seems to mind at all, instead clinging to his boyfriend’s shoulders and burying his face in his neck.

For the first time since they’ve been together, Ryeowook feels the unstoppable urge to mark Jongwoon as his just as the man’s done for him countless times before. He doesn’t know if the man will mind it, though, so he starts by giving the skin gentle licks and kisses, which sends shivers down Jongwoon’s spine almost instantly. Oh.

_ Oh_. He’s into this, _ very much _ so.

Though Ryeowook’s never given someone a hickey before, he figures it’s not that hard to do—he tries to mimic what Jongwoon’s done to him each time, sucking lightly on the side of his neck, having found Jongwoon’s sweet spot. He feels a tinge of pride at that, because he can feel the goosebumps littering the man’s skin under his palm and the way his cock twitches against his, and it’s all because of him and his own initiative.

Jongwoon nuzzles into the other side of Ryeowook’s neck, baring his more to the boy, and he groans next to his ear despite him. This is a kink of his he’s never wanted to bring up before, because he was waiting for Ryeowook to do it on his own—but the truth his, he fucking loves this, almost as much as he loves being on the giving side. It makes him feel like _ his _ baby considers him to be his just as much as the man considers _ him _ his own, and he goes fucking crazy for this.

It’s hard for him not to buck his hips harder into Ryeowook’s now, but he fights against this impulse—not without struggle—because he knows that if he does, it’s game over for the slow and loving mood and that it’ll make him spiral into _ dom territory _ again, and he doesn’t want that.

Well, he _ does_, but it goes against the message he’s trying to pass right now.

As he feels the growing sting of a bruise forming under Ryeowook’s mouth, Jongwoon comes closer and closer to climax, and he knows the boy is close too, thankfully. He refuses to cum first no matter the circumstances, wanting his baby’s pleasure to come first, but it’s not something he worries about too much even now given how easy it is to send Ryeowook over the edge.

Ryeowook lets out another moan, biting down on the bruise by accident, which makes Jongwoon groan in return, and this time, he’s unable to stop himself from bucking down harder into Ryeowook’s hips.

“Fuck,” he curses himself, but Ryeowook moans again, louder this time, letting him know he doesn’t mind the change of pace.

“Daddy, m’close,” Ryeowook calls out, voice small and strained by yet another moan.

“Yeah ?” Jongwoon murmurs, panting slightly. “Go ahead, sweetheart. I’m right behind you.”

Ryeowook wants to ask if they can do it together, but his voice is cut off by a choked sob of pleasure when his climax hits him out of nowhere. But Jongwoon wasn’t lying when he said he was close behind—he’s cumming a few seconds later while Ryeowook’s cock is still pulsing and covering their hand and his stomach with his cum, now joined by Jongwoon’s into a sticky mess between them.

Jongwoon nuzzles into Ryeowook’s neck even further, breathing in his scent until his mind goes blank and almost joins Ryeowook’s, floating up in the air above them. He wants to tell him he loves him now—fuck, he really wants to, but his heart feels so heavy all of a sudden at the thought that it strangles out his words before he can even open his mouth to speak. Feeling like beating himself up again, Jongwoon starts to trail hurried and impatient kisses up Ryeowook’s neck and jaw to end at his lips, and he kisses him with as much strength and passion as he’s able to muster until they both feel so lightheaded that they’re forced to pull away to breathe.

Keeping his hand up in the air to avoid staining the sheets with cum, Jongwoon brings out his other arm to support himself on his elbows, going back to Ryeowook’s neck, where he stays until their breathing evens out at least enough to not feel like they’re about to pass out from hyperventilation.

Jongwoon’s never felt a stronger need to hold Ryeowook than he does now, which is saying a lot when considering the fact that hugging his baby is almost a constant mood of his whenever he’s around. Sadly for him, it’s not something he can do right away—he knows he needs to clean up the mess they’ve made first, which he does once he’s made sure Ryeowook is okay enough to be able to leave him alone for the time it takes him to get a warm washcloth.

Ryeowook is staring up at the ceiling, smiling to himself, when Jongwoon comes back. What a beautiful sight, he thinks, and he makes his way to the boy to clean him, which proves to be a more difficult task than it usually is because his baby is needy and clinging to him the whole time. He probably stains his floor when he throws the cloth on the ground, but he honestly can’t be bothered to properly take care of it when he has the chance to cuddle with Ryeowook instead.

Jongwoon stays on top of Ryeowook as they hold each other in silence, stupid grins adorning both of their faces as they simply bask in each other’s presence for what feels like an eternity, though that’s probably just wishful thinking on their part. Then, letting out a blissful chuckle, Jongwoon pulls back to kiss the boy again, this time softer and much more calculated. He strokes his cheek with his thumb, smiling into the kiss when the boy wraps his arms around him, until Ryeowook pulls back just enough to speak, their upper lips still touching.

“I love you,” he breathes out, making the smile on Jongwoon’s lips widen even more.

The man connects their lips again, happy, heart beating a mile a second and to the point of explosion, but it’s not due to anxiety this time around.

Quite the opposite, actually. Jongwoon hasn’t felt so at peace in a long, long time.

An empty bed isn’t what Jongwoon expected to wake up to that morning, nor did he expect to be so fucking tired it feels like he’s partied all night. If it weren’t for the fact that Ryeowook somehow wasn’t there with him right now, he would’ve gladly gone back to sleep, but his curiosity—and also slight worry—gets the better of him.

Though, having thought that, Jongwoon doesn’t even have the strength to hoist himself up on his forearms, falling back onto the mattress the minute he tries. It seems his recent lack of sleep due to overworking himself is catching up to him now. Sometimes he forgets he’s not twenty anymore.

With a groan, he manages to at least turn to his side to face the door, wide open, and he listens closely for any sound that could clue him in on Ryeowook’s whereabouts. There’s nothing at first, making him believe that perhaps the boy could’ve left without a note, but he finally appears in the door frame, fully dressed, a few minutes later.

Jongwoon frowns in confusion as he rubs the sleep off of his eyes, groaning a little. “Are you going somewhere ?” he slurs, letting himself slump over the edge of the bed.

Ryeowook giggles. Jongwoon can be surprisingly adorable at times. “Yeah, Kyuhyun and Sungmin wanted to hang out at the mall today so I’m going with them. Is that okay ?”

“Hm ? Huh, yeah, yeah, of course,” Jongwoon nods, still hazy from sleep. Fuck, he just wants to go back to bed now. “What time is it..?”

“Close to one in the afternoon,” Ryeowook answers. “I knew you needed to rest so I let you sleep. It’s rare to see you get more than five hours lately.”

Jongwoon hums, pensive, before beckoning the boy to come closer so he could at least give him a goodbye hug, to which Ryeowook complies without a fuss. The younger man climbs up on top of him over the covers, holding him tight, watching as his boyfriend reaches for his phone on his bedside table to pull out his credit card from his phone case, to Ryeowook’s absolute confusion.

“What are you doing ?” Ryeowook chuckles awkwardly.

“Making sure you have means to spoil yourself like you deserve ?” Jongwoon replies as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

He hands out his card for Ryeowook to take, but the boy doesn’t move, simply blinking at the object in shock.

“Are you serious ? Jongwoon, I can’t do that—”

“Take it,” Jongwoon insists, though his voice remains soft and caring.

“You know what I think about you spending money on me,” Ryeowook reminds him, almost scolding.

“That’s exactly why I trust you with it,” the man counters. “I know you won’t go crazy with it and ruin me. But I’ll be very upset if you come back home with empty hands.”

To emphasize his words, Jongwoon pouts, and he can see Ryeowook’s mind struggling to come up with yet another defense to refuse his offer.

“_Fine_,” the boy sighs in defeat, reluctantly grabbing the card from Jongwoon’s hand. “But I’ll get you back for this.”

“I’m sure you will,” Jongwoon snickers, lifting his head up to kiss the tip of Ryeowook’s nose. It feels like he’s being threatened by a kitten. “The PIN code is 3424.”

“I hate you, I hope you know that.”

“That’s not what you said last night,” Jongwoon winks at him.

“I’m taking it back,” Ryeowook quips. Now he’s the one pouting.

“I don’t think that’s how it—”

Jongwoon gets cut off by the sudden incessant buzzing of Ryeowook’s phone in his pocket, forcing the boy to pull away to look at his messages. He rolls his eyes when he sees it’s Kyuhyun spamming him to move his ass because they’re waiting outside when he’s probably _ just _ arrived, but he doesn’t want to make him wait longer, as tempting as it sounds. He knows it’ll only mean him driving away and leaving him behind just to get back at him.

“I have to go,” Ryeowook sighs, stowing Jongwoon’s card into his own phone case before putting it back in his pocket. The boy then bends over to give his boyfriend a quick kiss. “See you tonight.”

“Have fun,” Jongwoon smiles, watching intently as the boy leaves.

Maybe he was staring more at his ass than anything else, but it’s not like it matters in the grand scheme of things.

“What took you so long ?” Kyuhyun reprimands him when Ryeowook climbs into the backseat of his car, though everyone present knows he’s just kidding.

“Climbing down four sets of stairs ?” Ryeowook teases.

“I can’t believe Jongwoon lives in this fancy of an apartment and his building doesn’t even have an elevator,” Kyuhyun complains. “You’re really living the life right now. When are you introducing us to Siwon ?”

“Please, not this again,” Ryeowook groans.

“He’s been driving me insane since then,” Sungmin laments. “You know he actually plans on becoming best friends with Jongwoon just so he can get to Siwon ?”

“Wouldn’t put it past him to do that,” Ryeowook chuckles. “Jongwoon isn’t friends with Siwon, though. His friends work with him, but he told me the party was the only time he’s ever talked to the man. Apparently Siwon is a fan of his books.”

“I love how you talk about this like it’s nothing,” Sungmin comments.

“Oh, trust me, I freaked out just as much as you did,” Ryeowook admits. “I think the only reason I managed to calm down was because Jongwoon’s acting really casual about it.”

“If you can’t set up a meeting, then at least promise you’ll give us scoops about this new movie he’s acting in,” Kyuhyun pleads.

“Unless Jongwoon makes me swear not to tell anyone, then I’ll tell you,” Ryeowook promises, laughing at his friend’s fanboying.

Kyuhyun, though satisfied about this answer, doesn’t shut up about Siwon for the entirety of the ride to the mall. Sungmin chimes in a bit, himself being a big fan of his—just like half the country, and that might even be downplaying things—but Ryeowook stays on the more quiet side. Not that he’s truly preoccupied by anything at the moment; he just feels weird fanboying about Siwon despite also having a huge celebrity crush on him now that he knows he’s connected to Jongwoon in a way. It feels too close to home now, as crazy as it sounds.

Who would’ve thought letting a complete stranger bring him home for what was meant to be a hookup would turn into something like this ? It almost feels like a dream; one Ryeowook wishes he’d never wake up from, despite the parts that lean more over the nightmarish side of things.

They end up circling around for a while in the huge parking lot of the mall trying to find a place to park the car, occasionally getting mad at people stealing the space they spotted first—they have to settle for a spot really far away from one of the entrances, to Kyuhyun’s slight annoyance.

Ryeowook remarks to himself that Kyuhyun is acting quite out of character today for some unknown reason. He seems more on edge than usual, but his friend is even more against opening up about his problems than Jongwoon is, so he doesn’t even try and ask what’s up with him. He figures today will help distract him enough to go back to his normal self as it usually does, though he can’t help but be worried a little.

None of the three have any particular idea of where they want to go exactly, instead just spending time talking about nothing and everything at once; how Sungmin’s drama troupe is coming up with a new musical soon, how Kyuhyun managed to score a second scholarship on top of the one he already has thanks to having the highest recorded grades of their year overall, how Ryeowook has gone back to his painter roots with the easel and tools Jongwoon bought for him when they came back from Taiwan as his ‘second birthday gift’—though he doesn’t mention that particular detail to his friends. They already think Jongwoon is acting like a sort of sugar daddy for him. He doesn’t want to make things worse.

They end up stopping by some kind of juice bar planted near one of the food courts after Sungmin convinces them to try it out. Ryeowook figures _ this _ is the thing he can buy with Jongwoon’s card to indulge the man. ₩5,900 is something he feels comfortable spending. What he hasn’t accounted for, though, is that his friends are watching him as he pulls out the card from his phone case—Ryeowook also hasn’t noticed it was a _ platinum card _ up until then either, so he has no way of convincingly lying to his friends and claim it’s his own—to pay for it, and he’s met with Kyuhyun’s shit eating grin the minute he turns around. Fuck.

“And you _ dare _ to claim Jongwoon _ isn’t _ your sugar daddy ?” Kyuhyun accuses.

“He’s not !” Ryeowook defends. “I didn’t ask for his card. He just gave it to me and forced me to buy something with it. That’s all on _ him_.”

As if on cue, Ryeowook’s phone buzzes in his hand. He checks it as a reflex, seeing it’s a message from Jongwoon that reads, _ ‘I hope you know this doesn’t count’_.

Wait. How the hell does he know ?

_ ‘Are you stalking me ?’ _ Ryeowook texts him in return.

_ ‘Maybe ;)’_, he gets back. Then, another bubble pops up. _ ‘I get notified on my phone whenever my card is used. It said you spent it at some juice bar.’ _

_ ‘You told me to buy something for myself, so I did’_, Ryeowook counters.

_ ‘I said not to come back home with empty hands’_, Jongwoon corrects. _ ‘And don’t try to be a smartass with me and bring back an empty cup.’ _ Fuck. It’s like he read his mind.

_ ‘Fine’_, Ryeowook types. _ ‘Watch me buy a pen at the dollar store ;)’ _

Their conversation ends with Jongwoon sending him a series of emojis : an eye roll, an angry face, and a disappointed side-eye, letting him know he disapproves of this choice but won’t push him further.

Ryeowook then turns back to his friends to show them this conversation to prove his point. “See ? All him.”

“I’d say it still counts,” Kyuhyun teases. “What are you gonna buy ?”

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs, but an idea suddenly pops into his mind. “Is there a bookstore somewhere ?”

“Huh, I think so ?” Sungmin guesses, trying to recall all the shops they’ve passed by. “There has to be.”

“Let’s find it,” Ryeowook exclaims, beelining for the next map display of the mall he finds to try and figure out where it might be without spending twenty years running in circles.

His friends follow him, a bit confused by his sudden enthusiasm, though not thinking much of it. They do end up finding what they’re looking for : the store is tucked somewhere in the upper corner of the second floor, and they set out for it. It takes them a few minutes to get there, during which both Sungmin and Kyuhyun try to get information about what Ryeowook’s got in mind, but the boy simply gives them a _ ‘you’ll see’ _ at every single one of their questions.

Ryeowook comes to a halt at the entrance of the store to attentively read the tags hanging on wooden boards from the ceiling, looking for either horror or mystery, which he guesses is where Jongwoon’s books must be. Noticing the group’s inaction, one of the retail employees, a young woman probably somewhere around their age, greets them, asking if they needed any help.

“Do you have anything written by an author called _ Yesung _ ?” Ryeowook asks, and the girl happily points them in the right direction, saying that since he’s a really big seller here, all of his books are grouped together on the same shelf regardless of genre. Ryeowook thanks her, beckoning his friends to follow him, who are still very confused by all of this.

“Isn’t Yesung Jongwoon’s pen name ?” Sungmin recalls, not understanding why Ryeowook would want to buy one of Jongwoon’s books when he can probably ask the guy for a free copy—and especially moreso since he’s using Jongwoon’s own money for it.

“It is,” Ryeowook confirms, suddenly stopping in his tracks when he recognizes the side covers of Jongwoon’s books. Sungmin nearly bumps into him, but the boy doesn’t pay it any attention.

“Oh, I get it,” Kyuhyun declares. “This is genius.”

“I know,” Ryeowook chuckles. “And it’s technically buying something since some of the money is going to his publishing house, so it’s not like he’s getting _ all _ of his money back. He can’t come back at me for this.”

“I taught you well,” Kyuhyun proudly states, pretending to wipe off his non-existent tears. “I’m so proud of you, my son.”

Ryeowook rolls his eyes, deciding not to pay attention to him.

“Wait, I think I know this one,” Sungmin suddenly calls, pulling out one of the many copies of _ The Stolen Souls_, and Ryeowook cringes at it. Jongwoon’s really hammered down in his head how much he hates this book. “I’m pretty sure this is the book Saeun carries around everywhere. I bet she’s read it a thousand times already.”

“It’s his most successful book, apparently,” Ryeowook states flatly. “But he’d probably kill me for choosing this one. He hates it.”

“Really ?” Sungmin checks. “I always meant to read it since Saeun seemed to love it a lot.”

“You’re honestly so painful to watch, you know that ?” Kyuhyun nudges. “When are you finally gonna ask her out ? Your crush on her is so obvious I’m pretty sure even _ she _ knows and is just waiting for you to make the first move.”

“Look, it’s not that easy, okay ? I wanna do this _ right_.”

“It _ is _ easy,” Kyuhyun refutes. “Just go up to her and say you want her to peg you— _ ow ! _”

Covering the spot of his arm Ryeowook’s just slapped really hard with his hand, Kyuhyun takes a step back to avoid another hit, though his friend doesn’t show signs of keeping up with his _ abuse_.

“Kyuhyun, _ please_,” Ryeowook scolds playfully. “He needs to ask her out first before getting to this type of conversation.”

“Right.”

“... what’s ‘peg’ ?” Sungmin asks hesitantly.

“Oh my god,” Kyuhyun exclaims, now completely desperate. “You have so much to learn still, young man. _ Pegging _ is when a woman fucks a man with a str—”

“Kyuhyun, don’t traumatize him, please,” Ryeowook stops him, noticing Sungmin’s eyes growing the size of a golf ball and looking like he’s fighting the urge to cover up his ears.

“He has to learn one way or another,” Kyuhyun defends.

“I don’t think this is what you should start with,” Ryeowook continues, but his laughter betrays him then.

“Fine,” Kyuhyun gives in.

Ryeowook turns back around to the shelf, tuning out his friends who are probably still talking about sex—he doubts Kyuhyun would drop the subject so easily—and ends up picking out a copy of _ The Darkening_, the book he’d started to read but was never able to finish due to rather unfortunate events that shall not be mentioned. He really liked the story so far, and he wants to let Jongwoon know he supports him. He promises himself the next book of his that he buys will be with his own money.

Sungmin also ends up buying a copy of _ The Stolen Souls_, which, despite knowing Jongwoon would probably be fuming if he knew, warms up his heart. His friend truly is making efforts to accept his relationship and make amends, and he’s really thankful for that.

“So, Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun calls out once they’re out of the store. “I was wondering, when’s the wedding ?” he then questions, sounding serious despite the mischief in his eyes.

“Why are you asking this ?”

“You and Jongwoon basically live in a romance story,” Kyuhyun jokes. “I was wondering if this is the part where you get married and live happily ever after.”

“I wish, but sadly, no,” Ryeowook laughs.

“Oh, right. It needs drama first,” Kyuhyun ponders. “But you two don’t seem like the type to fight. I can’t imagine how it could go down. You’d probably get upset at the fact that the other is upset.”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook agrees, trying to brush off the thought that Kyuhyun isn’t so far off the truth with his theory of drama coming before the happy ending. However, his and Jongwoon’s current situation has been mostly resolved without a fight breaking out, even if Jongwoon knew Ryeowook was upset and probably believed he was entertaining the idea that he might end up cheating on him with Hyukjae given his reaction.

“Wait, hold on,” Kyuhyun speaks up, noticing the way Ryeowook seems to have gotten lost in his own thoughts. “Is something going on that we don’t know about ?”

“You were sort of right when you said drama comes first, though it’s not actually as dramatic as it sounds,” Ryeowook laughs it off, but there’s clearly something that still bothers him. “Jongwoon’s ex tried to reach out to him a little over a week ago. But it’s not something I really worry about.”

“Are you sure ?” Sungmin checks up on him, wanting to make sure Ryeowook truly was okay.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ryeowook confirms. “Jongwoon really freaked out about it, and not in the right way. His ex was abusive, so I’m not scared he’s gonna like, cheat on me or want to go back with him. He’s the one stressing out about it.”

“But there’s something bothering you still,” Kyuhyun accuses, squinting at him.

“... sort of ?” the boy then admits. He thinks this needs to get out before he explodes in front of Jongwoon himself. “It’s really complicated to explain.”

“Try ?” Sungmin suggests.

“It’s just that…” Ryeowook takes a deep breath. “I worry about the fact that he might realize he misses certain aspects of their relationship ?”

“What do you mean ?” Sungmin frowns.

“I don’t know, I’m going off on a whim there, but I know they were in a relationship with a dominant-submissive aspect like we’re in too,” Ryeowook admits. He doesn’t think it’s necessary to hide it from them at this point—Kyuhyun already knows anyway, and Sungmin should be aware of it too so he doesn’t go back to thinking what they’re doing is abusive. “And from what I understand, the dynamic was very different ? But I have no idea what it was like and I’m scared I’m not gonna be able to meet his expectations in case he wants that back in his life and end up disappointing him ?”

The best way Ryeowook can find to describe Sungmin’s current expression is to compare it to an overwhelmingly confused anime character with spirals for eyes—that’s genuinely what he looks like right now, and normally, under different circumstances he would’ve found it very comical. Right now, though, he’s just getting himself riled up and caught up into his fears and insecurities and freaking out too much to find anything humorous about his situation.

“Yo, chill out,” Kyuhyun snaps him back to reality, giving him a gentle slap on his back as he laughs, trying to get Ryeowook to join him in. “Honestly, what kind of conspiracy theory is this ? Sungmin, what did you do to him ?”

“It’s not me this time !” Sungmin defends, holding his hands up. “Even I have to agree this is a bit pulled by the hair even if I didn’t understand half of it.”

“I know it’s really stupid,” Ryeowook concedes. “But I just— it’s my first relationship and I’m really insecure about not being good enough and I guess this has just made it worse ?”

“Have you talked to him about that ?” Sungmin questions.

“... yeah, a few times,” Ryeowook admits after a moment of reflection.

“What did he say ?” his oldest friend continues.

Ryeowook pauses again, the realization of just how fucking ridiculous this all is now hitting him full force. “He said that I was putting too much pressure on myself and that what we had felt right for him. That he wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“See, there, I was right saying you were freaking out over nothing,” Kyuhyun declares, giving him small pats on his back to calm him down before taking on a more serious approach. He pulls Ryeowook into a hug, letting the boy cling to him as a reflex, before he continues. “Look. You’re already great as you are, and Jongwoon clearly loves that. And I know this because you haven’t changed since you’ve been with him, and the guy is so obviously in love with you that it’s almost as painful as to watch Sungmin struggling to confess to Saeun. He’d be a fucking dumbass if he tried to change that because he suddenly thought you weren’t good enough for him.”

“... who are you and what have you done of Kyuhyun ?” Ryeowook mumbles, trying to lighten up the mood and get over his overdramatic feelings.

“Maybe he’s finally growing up into a man,” Sungmin theorizes. “He kind of sounded like a mom giving the _ ‘you are a strong, beautiful, independent person who can do everything they want in life’ _ speech.”

“Contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart,” Kyuhyun defends, letting go of Ryeowook. “Sometimes. When Changmin’s around I tend to lose brain cells.”

“At least you’re aware of it,” Sungmin laughs. “It’s just kind of weird to see you act like that right now. But it’s not unpleasant. I wonder if something happened to make you turn that way ?”

“No, there’s nothing,” Kyuhyun quickly denies—_ suspiciously _ quickly, in fact.

“So there is something !” Sungmin exclaims. “Come on, spill.”

“Do you think he finally met a girl he’s interested in ?” Ryeowook chips in, glad the subject changed to something much more appealing to him. “That’s the only theory I can come up with for this sudden change of personality.”

“You think ?” Sungmin marvels. “Kyuhyun, if there’s something going on with your love life, you _ have _ to tell us.”

“I told you guys it’s nothing !” Kyuhyun insists, now suddenly feeling cornered.

“Oh my god, Kyuhyun’s not an incel anymore,” Ryeowook gasps. “Who is she ?”

“Like I’m gonna tell you,” Kyuhyun pushes him away.

“So there is someone ! I’m so gonna get you to spill before the end of the day,” Sungmin promises.

Ryeowook joins him, because if this is _ indeed _ true, this is probably the scoop of the year.

Finding Heechul in a sea of frantic staff members running from one station to another proves to be a lot easier than it sounds. The guy is shouting commands backstage at the other costume artists to warn them that an outfit change is about to occur and to get ready, and all Jongwoon has to do to find him is to follow his voice to something he assumes is a dressing room.

Though it didn’t feel as disorienting not to have Ryeowook with him as it had a few months ago—he guesses it has to do with the fact that he’s gotten so used to coming home to the boy that it’s something he now subconsciously expects—Jongwoon decided that he didn’t feel like staying locked up in his office for yet another day. Just thinking about writing gave him a headache, and he thought maybe going out to find inspiration elsewhere could be a good idea.

This was the reflection that led him to come and visit Heechul and Geng on set, being granted access by Geng notifying security that he was okay to let in.

“Did you miss me so much that you couldn’t wait to see me outside of work ?” Heechul winks at him once he notices the man walking up to his side.

“Terribly,” Jongwoon plays along, flinching a little when Heechul suddenly starts yelling at a young boy slacking off in the corner that he better move his ass before he gets fired and someone who actually wants this job is hired in his place.

Heechul is a very different person at work than he is in real life, though he’s not usually this rough with people. He just despises slackers and lazy people, but if you do your job properly, he’s actually a very fun person to work with.

“You managed to convince the director to hire you as manager ?” Jongwoon wonders. “How good did you have to suck his dick for that ?”

“Supervisor of the costume and makeup department,” Heechul corrects. “And you know me. If I have to suck a cock, I always make sure it’s a blowjob they won’t forget.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Jongwoon shrugs, an amused smirk creeping up on his face. “Never experienced it myself.”

“Ah ! You wish you did,” Heechul teases. “But that _ thing _ between your legs scares me. I have no idea how anyone you’ve ever slept with managed to take it.”

“A lot of patience and a shit ton of lube,” Jongwoon claims. “And please, it’s not that big. You’re making it sound like I’ve got a twelve-inch dick that could split you in half.”

“Maybe it can’t, but I don’t wanna take the chance,” Heechul presses.

“Too bad,” Jongwoon fakes deception. “You’re missing out.”

“I’m not sure Geng and Ryeowook would allow _ us _ to happen,” Heechul dramatically sniffs. “We’re doomed to be starcrossed lovers for the rest of our lives.”

“What a shame,” Jongwoon sighs, shaking his head.

Heechul looks down at his phone to check the time, gauging if it would be an appropriate time to go on break so he could at least chat with his friend somewhere more private. He glances over at the set, watching some of his staff retouching Geng’s makeup and proceeding to Siwon’s outfit change, and he decides that things should be running themselves smoothly enough without him for at least fifteen minutes.

“Let’s go somewhere more quiet,” Heechul beckons, pointing toward the exit with a sign of his head.

“Did you have a sudden change of heart about the blowjob ?” Jongwoon teases, following his friend outside.

“Look, sweetheart, I know I’m irresistible but you need to move on,” Heechul dramatically rejects him, planting himself in front of the man to push on his chest with his finger. “I’m not interested.”

Jongwoon wonders for a second what Ryeowook would think of their constant inappropriate flirting—it’s something they started doing in high school when rumours of them dating broke and the homophobic kids in the grade started bullying them for it, both wanting to indulge them and give them a run for their money, and they decided to keep going afterwards as though it had become a habit for them. Neither of them see any wrong with it despite being in relationships either, because as objectively attractive as the other is, the mere idea of doing anything with each other is extremely repulsive to them. It would be like having sex with their own brother.

“Hold up a second,” Heechul suddenly exclaims, reaching out for the collar of Jongwoon’s shirt and pulling it back to reveal the hickey Ryeowook gave him the night before. “Now that’s something I didn’t know you were into.”

Despite his attempts at keeping up his playful tone, Heechul isn’t able to completely suppress his surprise that after all they’ve done together, _ this _ is the moment he finds out Jongwoon actually likes being marked too.

“It’s not something I talk about either,” Jongwoon explains. “I want it to be a spontaneous thing and I feel like telling people beforehand would ruin that. And this is the first time anyone’s ever done it, so…”

“How can a man like you manage to be so cute ?” Heechul wonders out loud. “You really are the sentimental type. But I didn’t expect Ryeowook to have a possessive side to him either. He looks so… small and innocent. And very submissive. Very… _ your type_, to describe it accurately.”

“It’s not something I expected either, to be honest,” Jongwoon admits. “But I guess it made sense given our current situation.”

“Current situation ?” Heechul inquires, suddenly a bit worried about what’s to come.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. “Hyukjae came back,” he then sighs, knowing that trying to brush things off and change the subject would lead to Heechul drawing a confession out of him in the end anyway.

Heechul chokes on thin air. “Who did what now ?”

“He came to knock on my door and asked to see me,” Jongwoon explains flatly. “I wasn’t home when that happened, so I have no clue what he wanted. He just left his number for me to call him back.”

“Don’t fucking tell me you’re considering it,” Heechul curses. Jongwoon says nothing, but the look in his eyes tells him everything he needs to know. “For fuck’s sake, Jongwoon. What the hell are you thinking ?!”

“I didn’t want to go at first,” Jongwoon explains. “But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to shut down his offer. Then I thought things through and started wondering if this wouldn’t be my chance to finally get the closure we never got. Ryeowook convinced me to go so I can finally set things straight with him and move on.”

“He’s too precious for his own good,” Heechul sighs.

“I know,” Jongwoon agrees. “I think he only insisted because he knew that deep down I wanted to go even if I never told him. I didn’t want him to feel pressured into agreeing to something just to please me, but I think I failed at that.”

“Does he even know what type of person Hyukjae is ?”

“I told him _ some _ things,” he admits, “but according to Ryeowook, Hyukjae acted very out of character with him, so I don’t know.”

“What do you mean ?” Heechul inquires, curious.

“Apparently Hyukjae hugged him when Ryeowook told him we were together,” Jongwoon recalls, staring at his friend with a confused yet stern expression.

“... are you sure this is Hyukjae and not a fever dream ?”

“I had the same reaction,” Jongwoon admits. “He didn’t even say what he wanted. Ryeowook just said he told him he was an old friend trying to reach out.”

“... this…” Heechul stammers. “This doesn’t sound like Hyukjae at all. The Hyukjae I know would’ve thrown a jealous fit even if he knew it would ruin his chances of having Ryeowook tell you to call back.”

“I know,” Jongwoon agrees. “This is why I’m so fucking confused. Do you think he could’ve changed ?”

“People constantly change, but this… this is a very drastic turn. I don’t know.”

“I know I promised you that night that I would never contact him again,” Jongwoon recalls, eyes dropping to the ground in shame. “But there are things I need to make sure of.”

Heechul sighs and puts his hand on Jongwoon’s shoulder. “Look, Jongwoon. I love you and I want you to be the godfather of my non-existent children, but you’re fucking dumb and this is a very bad idea.”

“Probably,” Jongwoon concedes. “I guess I’ll figure it out when I talk to him.”

“Promise me you won’t let him get to you like he used to,” Heechul almost begs.

“I’ll be okay,” Jongwoon assures him.

“No, I mean it, Jongwoon. I don’t want to find you in the same state I did the night you broke up with him.”

“That’s not gonna happen,” Jongwoon denies. “We’re not together anymore. And I’m no longer blinded by him either. I just need to make sure that no matter what he’s got in mind, he leaves Ryeowook out of it.”

“I don’t know what’s stopping me from chaining you to a wall and slap some sense into you,” Heechul spits. “But I hope for yours and Ryeowook’s sake that you’re making the right decision or I don’t know what I’ll do to you.”

_ Jongwoon’s apartment was shrouded in darkness when Heechul carefully opened the door, immediately feeling weighed down by the deafening silence when he stepped inside. With the light from the hallway was the only thing that allowed him to see anything past the entrance hall, Heechul started to feel around the wall for the light switch, only to be stopped by a low voice coming from the other side of the apartment. _

_ “Don’t,” he heard Jongwoon call out to him. “I don’t want you to see me like this.” _

_ Jongwoon’s voice sent chills down his spine. He sounded so cold yet so broken, and Heechul could do nothing but listen to his request. Shutting the door behind him, he tried to blindly make his way to where he’s heard the voice coming from, eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness enough to make up the edges of the furniture and avoid bumping into them. _

_ “Why are you here ?” _

_ “Yunho and Hyukjae left our group chat,” Heechul explained, stopping a few metres away from where Jongwoon sat on the floor, with what he assumed to be a bottle in hand. “It raised some questions and Yunho ended up telling Geng that you broke up with Hyukjae.” _

_ “Ah,” Jongwoon simply replied, lifeless and empty. _

_ “Are you drunk ?” Heechul questioned, only to get a bitter snicker in response. _

_ “I wish,” Jongwoon hoped. “But even two bottles of soju don’t seem to be enough to drown the pain.” _

_ Jongwoon’s words tore Heechul’s heart in two. He’d never seen his friend so miserable, even after a break up; he usually managed to move on within a day or two, and he never resorted to getting drunk in the dark to achieve that. Quite frankly, he had no idea what to do. He wanted to help him, but this was out of his abilities, or at least he thought so. Jongwoon was usually easy to manage when he felt down, but this was a level he’d never witnessed before in their nearly twenty-five years of friendship. _

_ Unable to come up with anything substantial, Heechul took a seat next to Jongwoon, letting himself slide down the wall and knocking out an empty bottle of soju on the floor. Shit, how much did he actually drink ? _

_ “Wanna tell me what happened ?” _

_ “I would if I knew,” Jongwoon shrugged, going for another sip, only to be stopped by Heechul who ripped the bottle away from his grasp. Jongwoon didn’t say anything in protest, too drained to fight. “I snapped and told him to fuck off, which he did. I was angry. But the second he left, there was only regret.” _

_ “It might not be what you want to hear,” Heechul whispered, as though he were afraid of Jongwoon hearing him despite his words being addressed to him, “but it was probably for the best that he left.” _

_ “You’re right,” Jongwoon scoffed. “It’s not what I wanted to hear.” _

_ “It’s true, though,” Heechul insisted. “You know how I felt about him. He’s a fun guy to be around, sure, and I considered him a friend, but he wasn’t right for you.” _

_ “Then why does it feel like breaking up with him was the biggest fucking mistake I’ve ever made it my life ?” _

_ Heechul could tell from the quiver in his voice that Jongwoon was about to cry. His first reflex was to pull him into a hug, to which the man fought against—albeit weakly—but Heechul stood his ground, forcing his friend to give up after a bit. _

_ “Because you loved him ?” Heechul guessed. “Love is blind, though, and in yours and Hyukjae’s case, it was definitely true.” _

_ “There’s being blind and there’s being a fucking idiot,” Jongwoon curses through gritted teeth. There’s a tear that ran down his cheek then, but Heechul couldn’t see it. “After all the shit he’s done to me... is it even normal that I miss him ?” _

_ “Probably,” Heechul shrugged. “You guys have been together for a long time. It might take some time to let go.” _

_ “I don’t know if I can do that,” Jongwoon admitted. “All I want to do now is to call him and try to fix the mess I’ve created.” _

_ “Don’t,” Heechul pleaded. “I hate seeing you like this, but taking Hyukjae back is a terrible idea. I know you love him, but he’s hurting you more by being with you, Jongwoon.” _

_ “How can you be so sure of that ?” Jongwoon accused as he pulled away from Heechul, getting more and more annoyed by the minute. “Do I look like I’m seeing unicorns and rainbows all around me right now ?” _

_ “That’s exactly why I’m saying that,” Heechul attempted to calm him down. “He’s guilt-tripped you so much that your first reaction is blaming yourself for something you should’ve done years ago. I don’t know what happened between you two today but I know for a fact that you didn’t get angry at him for no reason.” _

_ Jongwoon hated it, but he was forced to admit that Heechul had a point. Multiple points, actually, but he didn’t know if facing the truth would hurt more than denying it. Jongwoon wasn’t a complete idiot, though, and with Hyukjae gone, he was able to see the situation more clearly. Well, as clearly as his alcohol-fuelled brain would allow him to, which resembled more a jumbled mess made out of puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit together than rational, linear thoughts. _

_ His heart was in so much pain that it hurt for him to breathe, and he closed his eyes in a vain attempt to stop more tears from forming. He was gripping his knee, bent against his chest, so hard that he was shaking. Shit. He’d never wished to hate someone so goddamn much than he wanted to hate Hyukjae right now; it would make things so much more bearable, but he just couldn’t. The perfect world he’d created in his mind where he convinced himself he and his now ex were meant to be was crumbling to pieces, and he felt like he was falling apart along with it. _

_ He wished he could turn back time and make sure he’d never meet Hyukjae—to reclaim the last three years of his life he wasted on an illusion that culminated in his heart being broken beyond repair. It would be impossible to put the pieces back together. One of them belonged to Hyukjae, whether he liked it or not, and he doubted he’d ever get to see it back one day. _

_ He’d be left with this void in him that he feared would only grow as time went by, and the prospect of having to live this way forever made him fall into despair even more. _

_ “I know you’re still thinking about it,” Heechul continued. “But please, Jongwoon. I’m saying this for your own good. Don’t call him. Not tonight, not ever. I know it’s gonna be difficult, but know that I’ll always be there for you if times get messy again.” _

_ Jongwoon didn’t answer, but Heechul knew this meant his message got across—he would’ve tried to counter it if it weren’t the case. He didn’t know if what he told him would stick for the long run, but at least he knew that Jongwoon would be somewhat okay tonight. _

_ Heechul was normally the type to let people live their pain in silence, but his best friend was a special case. He was pretty sure he was the only person who could read right through the mask and multiple walls the man built around him, but it had taken him decades to get to where he was at now. _

_ He knew Jongwoon needed two things : a slap in the face from reality, and a distraction. _

_ “Wow, that sounded so gay,” Heechul let out, commenting on his last words to his friend. _

_ Jongwoon chuckled despite him. “Heechul, you _ are _ gay.” _

_ “I know, that’s why I’m allowed to say that,” he defended. “But I meant it. I’ll even stay with you tonight to make sure you’re not alone.” _

_ “You don’t have to do that.” _

_ “But I will,” Heechul insisted. “That can be a throwback to those sleepovers we’d have as kids. Though I promise I won’t pee my bed this time.” _

_ “You better fucking not,” Jongwoon warned him. “I swear even at five years old you were into that kind of shit.” _

_ “No, not shit,” Heechul corrected. “Pee. It’s different.” _

_ “You’re fucking disgusting,” Jongwoon teased. _

_ “Thank you,” Heechul laughed it off as he got up, and he grabbed Jongwoon’s arm to pull him to his feet, not without a struggle. “But you know, you don’t have to pretend you’re repulsed. We’re on our own. No one’s gonna know you have a thing for using that as a form of humiliation but me.” _

_ “Please shut the fuck up,” Jongwoon pleaded, though he didn’t struggle into Heechul’s grasp when his friend pulled him into his bedroom. _

_ “I love you too,” Heechul winked, coming to a stop at the dining table and forcing Jongwoon to sit on one of the chairs, to the man’s absolute confusion. “I’ll go change your bedsheets first. Bitch probably smells like him, and I’m not dumb enough to let you sleep like that.” _

_ That was something Jongwoon hadn’t taken into account, so he really appreciated his friend’s thoughtfulness. He patiently waited for Heechul to be done with the chore in silence, thankful to have someone like him in his life—it definitely made things easier for him. Heechul’s jokes took his mind off things, but the hole in his chest remained impossible for him to ignore. It still hurt like hell and probably would for a long time, no matter how hard he could try to numb the pain. _

_ His fingers still itched to dial Hyukjae’s number and apologize until he agreed to come back. _

Jongwoon comes back home first, to his slight surprise. It’s almost five in the evening, so he expected Ryeowook to be there when he opened the door, but he guesses the boy decided to spend more time with his friends since he doesn’t get to see them as often as he used to, given he practically lives with him now. It was never something they really discussed, but Jongwoon was in no hurry to let him go back home. Ideally, he’d just move in with him officially, but the man hadn’t found the opportunity to properly ask his boyfriend about it—and he didn’t really feel the need to either, since the boy showed no sign of wanting to go back home, which Jongwoon was probably a little too happy about.

Taking a seat on his couch, Jongwoon turns the TV on, though it ends up acting more as background noise than anything else. He’s too busy staring at Hyukjae’s contact profile in his phone, thumb hovering over the _ call _ button, to pay attention to anything else. His hand is shaking, and for a long while, he actually considers the idea of scrapping his plan and not going instead. But he needs to make sure Hyukjae means no harm to Ryeowook, so he swallows back his fear, and takes a deep breath.

He can’t muster the courage to actually call him, though. The thought of hearing his voice, whether in real time or through his recorded voicemail message, has his stomach flip upside down, so he ultimately settles for a text message instead.

_ ‘If you want us to meet, I’m down. Give me a place and a time and I’ll be there.’ _

He wants to add a warning that he better not be planning anything, but he doesn’t want to give Hyukjae a heads up to plan more excuses ahead in case he does have something in mind. Part of him truly hopes it’s nothing and that he has actually changed, but he highly doubts it. He spent three years begging him to seek help only for Hyukjae to freak out about it, and given how fucked up he was, there’s very little chance that he was able to get better on his own.

His heart threatens to rip itself out of his chest when his phone buzzes a few minutes later, startling him out of his thoughts.

_ ‘Mouse Rabbit, this Thursday, 12PM ?’ _

Hyukjae’s choice doesn’t come as a surprise for him. It used to be their favourite place to go out and just relax, but Jongwoon hadn’t gone back there since their break up. He wonders if Hyukjae meant this to be symbolic or if he just suggested it because it’s a place they both know very well.

_ ‘I’ll be there’ _

Jongwoon honestly doesn’t know how he’s able to press the _ send _ button then, but it’s too late to regret now. It’s a bit disorienting to him to have such contradicting feelings waging war in his mind; on one hand, every part of him _ wants _ to go and see him, but on the other, every bone in his body is shaking in fear at the mere idea.

He doesn’t have much time to dwell on it, though, because Ryeowook comes back home at this moment, appearing like an angel answering his calls for help. It probably won’t make sense for the boy to see him so relieved by his return, but Jongwoon pays it no mind, coming up to greet him at the door with a tight hug.

“Did you rest well ?” Ryeowook asks him, chuckling at his boyfriend’s clinginess.

“Would you get mad at me if I told you I didn’t go back to sleep after you left ?”

“Yes.”

“Then I slept very well,” Jongwoon lies, smiling like an idiot at his own shitty joke. “Did you have fun with your friends ?”

Ryeowook nods.

It’s then that Jongwoon notices the small shopping bag in Ryeowook’s hand, and he curiously stares at it, waiting for Ryeowook to show him what he’s purchased.

Suddenly, Ryeowook isn’t so sure about his plan working anymore. He doesn’t really know how to explain his reasoning to his boyfriend, but he figures he at least needs to try, or else he might be bombarded with questions and leave Jongwoon upset that he didn’t listen to him.

“Before you say anything,” Ryeowook warns, “please hear me out.”

“What did you do ?”

Sheepishly, Ryeowook takes the book out of the bag to show it to Jongwoon, whose confusion only intensifies and contorts his features.

“I honestly had no idea what to buy,” Ryeowook explains, “but you said to buy something I wanted, so I thought that I would make a compromise and buy this to show support. I know it’s kind of strange to spend your own money on your own book, but—”

“You really are too sweet for your own good,” Jongwoon blurts out, shaking his head in disbelief. “I wish I could scold you for this, but I just… want to hold you in my arms and never let go.”

“Isn’t that your constant mood, though ?” Ryeowook teases.

“Well, _ yes_,” Jongwoon confirms, completely shameless. “But now more than ever.”

Though Ryeowook is majorly happy that Jongwoon understood his intentions, he realizes through the tinge of deception creeping up in his stomach that he wished the man would’ve at least punished him a little for finding a loophole and playing him like this. He firmly believes that if he’d pulled this trick on him just a few weeks ago, this would’ve been Jongwoon’s reaction; but his boyfriend had grown extremely soft and tame since they came back from their trip, and to say Ryeowook doesn’t mind it would be a lie.

It’s not that he personally has a problem with this, but he can’t help feeling a bit upset at the fact that he thinks it might be his fault that Jongwoon has pushed most of his usual dominant antics to the side, though he doesn’t really know what he did exactly to trigger this. The only time Ryeowook had appeared particularly fragile was yesterday, but it’s been going on for much longer than just a day. Maybe it was just his insecurities toying with his mind and playing tricks on him too, but he didn’t want to take the chance. He believes Jongwoon wanted their relationship to be this way for a reason, and he doesn’t want the man to grow tired of him because he feels like he needs to hold back despite Ryeowook assuring him he doesn’t need to.

“Is everything okay ?” Jongwoon frowns, worried by Ryeowook’s sudden silence.

“Yeah,” the boy blinks. “Yeah, sorry. I was just… thinking.”

“About ?”

“Something I wanna do with you,” Ryeowook exclaims, an idea popping into his mind then. “Wait here. I want it to be a surprise.”

The boy flashes him a smile, wiggling his way out of his grasp to escape into the bedroom under Jongwoon’s puzzled but amused expression.

Ryeowook isn’t experienced enough to come up with entirely new scenarios, but the way Jongwoon had reacted to him in his stocking is something that truly stuck in his mind since then; it was the very first time he witnessed the man fully assuming his dominant role with him, so he thinks recreating a similar scene could very well reignite the flame Jongwoon seems to have lost lately.

He tries to get changed as quickly as he can, though he still has to be careful not to rip the delicate lining of his lilac stockings as he puts them on. He still can’t get over how much he likes this, too; they’re one of the rare things that make him feel entirely comfortable in his own skin, enough that he considers taking a selfie in front of the full-length mirror in Jongwoon’s bedroom for a hot minute.

But the more he stares at himself, clad with Jongwoon’s shirt and the pair of underwear matching the stockings, the more he thinks something is missing—he spends a moment thinking of what it could be, until it finally hits him.

_ Ah, yes, this would be perfect. _

Jongwoon decides to wait at the island counter, leaning against it and staring at his bedroom door intently. He’s trying to make up theories about what his baby has in mind, and he has a pretty good guess given the circumstances that it has something to do about play; _ why else would he have locked himself in the bedroom if not for that ? _ What will come out of this, though, he can’t tell, and he’s growing impatient.

He wants to indulge Ryeowook, though, so he fights against his urge to barge into the bedroom to figure out what’s going on on his own. And waiting pays off—Ryeowook appears a few minutes later, all dressed up and pretty for him, sending Jongwoon’s mind into utter chaos. Fuck. _ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _ He already feels his cock swelling in his pants, self-control thrown out the window, and he stares at the boy with hunger in his eyes as he approaches him slowly.

“I wonder what I did to deserve this,” Jongwoon thinks out loud, voice low and teasing, and he catches Ryeowook in his arms when he sits on his thigh.

“I just felt like pleasing you tonight,” Ryeowook claims, biting his lower lip in hesitation before handing something over to Jongwoon, who recognizes the object almost immediately.

A remote.

“You put a lot of effort into this,” Jongwoon praises him. “Now tell me what’s really on your mind, angel, so I don’t just rip your panties off of you and take you right here.”

“I was thinking maybe I should spice things up while I’m cooking,” Ryeowook explains, bringing his face impossibly close to Jongwoon’s, noses touching. “I know you love distracting me while I do, so why not do it with a twist if it’s going to happen anyway ?”

“You’re such a clever little boy,” Jongwoon compliments him, hand threading through Ryeowook’s hair. “You love making daddy go crazy for you, don’t you ?”

His hand slowly trails down to the boy’s throat, wrapping around the side so he can stroke his Adam’s apple with his thumb. Jongwoon stares directly into Ryeowook’s eyes, immediately making the boy feel like he’s shrinking to the size of a pea in his grasp, and a small, almost inaudible whimper escapes him.

“I wonder how long you’ll last before you start begging for my cock instead of this pathetic little plastic toy,” Jongwoon hums, using his other hand to push against the base of the plug, making Ryeowook arch into him and press his neck into the man’s grasp, just hard enough to feel a difference in his ability to breathe properly. “Why don’t we try and find out, hm ?”

Ryeowook takes it as his cue to climb off of Jongwoon’s lap, though he’s unwilling to do so. He wants to go through with this little game he’s set up for them, to let Jongwoon have his fun the way he feels like, but he also wishes the man would just skip ahead and fuck him raw over the counters. But he tries to at least start preparing dinner, still able to somewhat focus on what he’s doing despite Jongwoon’s burning gaze piercing through him, so strong and blazing that Ryeowook can feel it even with his back turned to him.

Though he knows it’s coming, Jongwoon manages to take him by surprise by turning the vibrations on to the third highest setting, forcing Ryeowook to slump over the counter to try and hold himself up. He hadn’t expected Jongwoon to start so abruptly, but the pleasure is already so high that he can’t find it in himself to complain. It takes him a moment to try and get himself back together, during which Jongwoon does nothing but stare at his ass with predatory eyes, and though it’s still very hard to do anything without almost dropping the utensils on the ground, Ryeowook manages to kickstart the meal prep _ somehow_.

But rather than feeling proud that his baby is able to hold himself together so nicely, Jongwoon sees it as a sign that he can take more; and so he raises the intensity up a level, making Ryeowook whine and start to shake, forcing him to take breaks every ten seconds to collect himself and try not to fall onto his knees on the floor. He’s trying his very best not to falter so soon, but the truth is, he already feels like begging—his mind is turning blurry, his vision cloudy, and his cock so hard that it’s threading the fine line between pleasure and pain. He refuses to do so, though.

Sadly for him, Jongwoon has his mind set on forcing him to beg, for his cock or for him to stop, whichever need he’ll end up drawing to the surface by keeping up with this sweet torture, and he’s not about to give up on it. “Sure you don’t need a hand now, angel ?” Jongwoon teases him.

Ryeowook shakes his head rapidly. “No, I— I’m okay,” he pants, nails digging into his arm to try and keep a clear enough mind to reply to Jongwoon.

Jongwoon hums, doubtful, before finally putting the vibrations on max level. Ryeowook sees white for a second, and fuck, he needs to cum so fucking bad, but for some reason, he feels like defying Jongwoon and not give him what he knows the man wants, or at least not so soon. He lets his forehead rest onto the countertop, jaw clenched to try and keep himself from talking, but he’s so close and the incessant buzzing pressed right against his prostate is turning his legs into mush.

Jongwoon knows he’s close, which is why he’s a bit surprised that the boy is being so stubbornly quiet—but there’s only so much he can do to delay the inevitable, and Jongwoon consoles himself a little knowing that either Ryeowook ends up begging or he cums without his permission, which would lead to punishment. And the man really isn’t opposed to that.

Sighing, Jongwoon stands up and makes his way to the other side of the island counter, leaning against it and watching Ryeowook try to cling to what little sanity he’s got left with a curious look on his face. He quietly observes his boyfriend, watching out for the first sign that he’s going to break, and the minute he catches it, he turns the vibrator off, leaving the boy panting, whining, completely fucked but extremely dissatisfied from having his orgasm ripped away from him like that. The coil in his stomach never disappears, still sending him the message that he’s going to cum, but he _ can’t_; and fuck, it hurts.

“Are you gonna beg, now ?” Jongwoon questions, ready to turn the toy back on at full intensity right away in case Ryeowook decides to be a brat again and stay silent.

In an act of pure boldness—or sheer stupidity, probably a mix of both—Ryeowook painfully hoists himself onto his arms and turns around to face Jongwoon. “Not if that’s all you’ve got.”

Jongwoon expected Ryeowook to defy him. But this—this was an entirely new level of _ brat _ he’s never seen the boy reach before, and torturing him with the vibrator is too benign of a punishment for what he’s just done. Stepping forward, Jongwoon glares at him, and Ryeowook immediately regrets his words because he knows he really fucked up and his boyfriend’s playful mood is completely gone from him now.

“Oh, are you saying you’d do a better job than me ?” Jongwoon accuses, harsh and condescending. “Are you claiming that you can manage to satisfy yourself with this little plastic toy without my help ?”

Unable to stand anymore, too weak to keep himself on his feet, Ryeowook lets himself fall down on his knees, looking down at the ground in shame and submitting fully to his boyfriend, who lets out a satisfied little chuckle.

“That’s right,” Jongwoon spits, squatting down to reach Ryeowook’s level and force his chin up so he can look him in the eye. “Know your fucking place. This is where you fucking belong : on your knees in front of me, like the good little doll you’re supposed to be.”

The darkness looming behind the flames of lust in Jongwoon’s eyes is something Ryeowook has never witnessed before, and he doesn’t know if the reason he’s shaking right now is due to fear or the thrill of experiencing something new. “Daddy, I—”

“Oh no, little one,” Jongwoon cuts him, grabbing his jaw tightly in his hand, locking his head in place and making it impossible for him to speak. “Calling me that is a privilege you don’t deserve right now. You’ve successfully reached the limits of my patience. How many times have I warned you to be careful what you wish for, only for you to ignore it and find yourself in this situation ? Do I really have to go harder on you so you can learn your lesson ?”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“I _ don’t care _ what you meant to do,” Jongwoon scolds him. “You talked back to me. Are you allowed to do that ?”

“No,” Ryeowook confirms, voice shaking just like he is. He’s now discovering this side of Jongwoon that he knew was lurking under somewhere since almost the beginning, and as terrifying as he is, Ryeowook strangely doesn’t feel like he’s actually in any danger. He knows by now that this is just part of play, and he’s willing to go through with it despite this territory being something that’s completely unknown to him.

“Why did you do it ?”

“Because I wanted to rile you up,” Ryeowook confesses.

There’s a moment where Jongwoon’s mask cracks as the man tries to find anything that could be considered a sign of discomfort, alarmed by the way Ryeowook keeps shaking under him. But he finds nothing; nothing but this same nervous excitement the boy always shows him, and it puts him at ease enough to get back into character.

“Congratulations, you succeeded,” Jongwoon sarcastically praises him, and without warning, he turns the vibrator on again like he initially planned to.

Ryeowook chokes on a sob, leaning into Jongwoon’s hand for support, who indulges him by bringing his other hand up to cup his face, his gentle touch contradicting the stern and severe look in his eyes.

“There are so many things that are coming to mind for your punishment right now,” Jongwoon thinks out loud. “But you look so fucking pretty that I’d feel bad to ruin you like I’m thinking now.”

And it’s probably too extreme for him, at least as of now; he doesn’t want to tell him that, though, because he doesn’t want to make Ryeowook think he’s saying he isn’t good enough or to force the boy to agree to something he has no knowledge about.

“Please,” Ryeowook finally pleads, choking back on a sob. “I’m so sorry. I— _ hng_— I promise I’ll do whatever you want from now on.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about it,” Jongwoon claims before standing up again, leaving Ryeowook to hang onto his pants for support. It doesn’t work for very long, though, and he’s forced to let go when the man tugs on his hair as a warning _ not to touch him _ without his permission. “Your hands. Behind your back,” Jongwoon then growls.

Ryeowook executes himself almost immediately. If it weren’t for Jongwoon’s vice grip on his hair then, he would’ve toppled over the moment the top of the man’s foot gently starts to rub his cock over his panties. He’s so hard at this point that it’s almost unbearable, and all of it is amplified by the toy moving inside of him and hitting all the right spots. He really wants to beg now, to plead Jongwoon to stop torturing him like this, but all he manages to do is to pathetically whimper as the man keeps playing with him, seemingly amused by his fucked out state.

“Look at you,” Jongwoon breathes, his dark and sinister eyes never leaving him. “You can’t even speak right now. Are you going to cry, baby ?”

Ryeowook nods, hoping this can serve as a plea for Jongwoon to please let him cum, but the man still does nothing. The boy tries to take a deep breath, and he keeps repeating to himself that he can take it, even if he knows it won’t be over soon. He can prove to him that he _ is _ a good boy, that he can do anything he’s asked; but all he can do right now is to moan, cry and whimper. He’s so fucked out at this point that he can’t even think straight long enough to form words.

“Click your fingers if you want me to stop.”

Jongwoon’s worried voice echoes in Ryeowook’s head then, and he snaps back to reality for a second. That’s right. The non-verbal safeword. He remembers it now.

And yet, despite how excruciating this all is, he doesn’t use it. He can take it. He knows he can.

Jongwoon still decides to make things easier on him, and he turns the vibrator off. While he gently starts rubbing the irritated skin at the back of Ryeowook’s head, where he’s been pulling against this whole time, the man breaks character again, feeling like it’s enough for today—well, enough of the punishment that is, because Ryeowook still needs to get off before he breaks. Jongwoon could’ve taken this much further, but he’s too worried now, despite the boy’s insistence on continuing with the plan. One day he’ll push things to the next level; but today is not that day.

Jongwoon squats down to his level once again, cupping his cheeks in his hands and wiping away the tear forming at the corner of his left eye. “Do you still believe you don’t need me to satisfy you ?” he asks softly, still wanting his sudden change to make some sense to Ryeowook’s foggy mind.

Ryeowook shakes his head. “I need you,” he manages to let out after a moment.

“I like it better when my baby is honest,” Jongwoon smiles at him. He then trails one of his hands down to Ryeowook’s bulge, cupping it over the fabric. “You can cum now. I’ll allow it.”

To his absolute surprise, however, Ryeowook grabs his wrist to pull his hand away, shaking his head again. Jongwoon raises an eyebrow in confusion.

“I don’t want to cum until you do,” Ryeowook blurts out, slowly coming back down from subspace. “I— I won’t be satisfied unless I cum from your cock.” It’s embarrassing to say it out loud, but his goal since the beginning has been for Jongwoon to fuck him over the counter, and no amount of sexual torture will drag him away from it.

“You drive an interesting bargain,” Jongwoon hums. “Think you can handle that now, after everything ? I can’t promise you I’ll be gentle. Not when you look like that.”

“I don’t want you to be,” Ryeowook insists. “Please ?”

Jongwoon chuckles softly. “There are your manners.” He then leans over to give the boy a kiss—he means for it to be short and sweet before things get more serious, but he finds himself unable to pull away, his body seemingly acting on its own.

Screw the idea of fucking him over the counter again, Jongwoon thinks; he barely even has the strength to reach out for the lube he keeps hidden in one of the kitchen drawers before he rolls them onto the floor. Ryeowook doesn’t seem to mind, though, his hands flying straight for Jongwoon’s belt as the kiss grows more and more heated. He’s so lightheaded that he struggles with the buckle for a while, and by the time he finally manages to undo it, they’re both too impatient to waste time getting undressed.

It’s also hard to unbutton his pants when the man is grinding against him, but Ryeowook doesn’t want to even tell Jongwoon to stop long enough for him to at least get his cock out. So what if it takes him a few more minutes to get there ?

Jongwoon bucks his hips into Ryeowook’s hand as he boy jerks him off, running his thumb against the little bundle of nerves on the underside right at the base of the head, which he knows is sensitive enough to get the man riled up and hard as a rock in under a minute. Jongwoon has moved on to his neck at his point, and with no delicacy whatsoever, he takes a hold of Ryeowook’s thighs to wrap his legs around his waist.

With one arm wrapped firmly around Ryeowook’s hips, Jongwoon uses his other hand to pull the boy’s underwear to the side, exposing the plug still stretching him open and still a bit wet with lube. “Daddy, _ please_,” Ryeowook pleads right next to his ear, making the man groan in return.

“I know,” Jongwoon hisses—the boy is still playing with his cock and he knows exactly what he’s doing, so it’s getting progressively harder even for him to stay level-headed. Wasting no more time, Jongwoon coats his fingers with a generous amount of lube, and he reaches between Ryeowook’s legs to pull the plug out, immediately replacing it with his fingers and letting it roll around on the floor.

Making sure to keep Ryeowook’s little hole stretched out enough, Jongwoon lines up his cock with his fingers, only pulling them out once the tip of his cock is about halfway in. He’s already panting, both arms wrapped under the boy to keep his hips as high up as possible, and he pushes himself all the way in with one sharp thrust that leaves Ryeowook gasping for air and clinging onto the man’s shoulders for dear life.

There’s an urgency there that they’ve rarely experienced before—Jongwoon really isn’t one for quickies, or even to have sex for easy relief when he’s in a committed relationship, but all his pent up frustration from the little stunt Ryeowook pulled on him earlier as well as the stress caused by Hyukjae’s sudden appearance is directing his actions at this point, and there’s very little he can do about it. As long as Ryeowook doesn’t tell him to stop, he won’t.

The speed and strength of Jongwoon’s thrusts quickly has Ryeowook’s vision fill with black and white spots, ass clenching hard around the man’s cock and making him grunt into his ear; his nails dig into Jongwoon’s shoulder, grabbing onto the fabric of his yellow button-up shirt and coming close to ripping it—and he’s getting close, so _ fucking _ close that the tightness in his stomach starts to hurt.

“I wish I could have you walk around like that all the time,” Jongwoon groans, snaking one of his hands under Ryeowook’s shirt and lifting it enough to expose his stomach. He glances at the space between them, watching his cock disappear into his lover and admiring the way Ryeowook’s panties still fit him so perfectly despite being stretched to the side, and he grunts again, riled up even more by the sight.

Ryeowook wants to tell him he’d be okay with that idea, except nothing but moans and whines come out of his mouth. The only thing on his mind is to cum, now, but he knows he needs Jongwoon’s permission and he doesn’t have it yet.

Precum spills onto his lower stomach following one particularly strong thrust of Jongwoon’s hips—he’s going to break.

“Normally I should leave you hanging like that for what you did,” Jongwoon purrs next to his ear. Ryeowook freaks out at the thought, because no way he can do that, and he wants to beg the man not to have that happen—but again, nothing but a choked sob comes out. “Consider this a warning in case you forget this lesson again. Now cum before I change my mind.”

Ryeowook doesn’t let the man repeat himself a second time, staining Jongwoon’s shirt with his cum without a care and leaving his boyfriend to chase after his own release while he’s busy revelling in the liberating feeling that overwhelms him now that the coil inside of him finally snaps.

Jongwoon almost has trouble breathing with how hard Ryeowook’s hole is closing down on him as though trying to trap him there. With a few more powerful thrusts, he’s cumming too, sheathing himself as deep inside his boyfriend as he can and grabbing his thighs and making sure the boy doesn’t move an inch until he’s done.

“I know I say this a lot,” Jongwoon murmurs, leaning down to kiss him, “but I mean it when I say that you make me so proud, baby.”

“That’s… all I want,” Ryeowook pants, speaking up in a small and tired voice.

Jongwoon smiles down at him, brushing away his bangs sticking to his forehead with a delicacy that contradicts his actions up until then. He realizes now that he’s missed this; he has no problem taking things slow and going for something more conventional from time to time, but _ this _ is what feels the rightest for him. To have his baby like this, blissful and still drunk on the fog of subspace, to take care of him and remind him that he means everything to him the best way he can, while also getting something out of it too—a distraction from his worries and anxieties.

The fact that they’re sharing such an intimate moment on the hard kitchen floor is completely insignificant at this point.

“Thank you,” Jongwoon breathes out, holding the boy as close to him as he physically can. “For everything.”


	15. Illusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter... was hard to write for many reasons. First, I'm sleeping too much lately and it turned my brain into mush, so most of this has been written on brain dead mode and quite frankly I don't even remember what happens past the last paragraphs
> 
> [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) was apparently afflicted with the same problem but she still managed to kick my ass into writing, so kudos to her bc I don't think this chapter would be done if she hadn't done that
> 
> I struggled trying to find something new for the smut scenes in this so I went with something a bit more unknown and unconventional, but this is a BDSM fic so like... it shouldn't traumatize you too much (I hope)
> 
> As always, [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) if you want updates on my writing and get spammed with incorrect quotes and me proclaiming my love for our boy Jongwoon (and occasionally me being bullied for my love-hate relationship with Kyuhyun)

Waking up to his boyfriend languidly sucking at the tip of his cock is probably the best way to start a day he’s convinced will be shitty, Jongwoon thinks when he’s stirred awake by the wet and warm feeling of Ryeowook’s mouth around his cock on Thursday morning.

Humming in content, Jongwoon smiles to himself as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes to take a better look at Ryeowook, who’s now slowly sinking down his shaft to take it all in, making the man groan in pleasure. Ryeowook moans around him, loving the way Jongwoon’s cock tickles the back of his throat—his gag reflex has gotten better by now, and though it’s still not perfect, he’s able to take him all in without much trouble to the delight of the both of them.

“What a beautiful sight so early in the morning,” Jongwoon breathes out, reaching out to stoke Ryeowook’s cheek with his thumb. “Hm, I didn’t think you’d still want more after everything we did yesterday. I remember you begging me to stop, but it seems like you’ve changed your mind ?”

Ryeowook doesn’t reply to him right away. Instead, he slowly lets Jongwoon’s cock slip out of his mouth, stopping to suckle at the tip as he does so, and he starts licking the sensitive spot right below the head that has Jongwoon immediately grabbing at the hair at the back of his head, tugging hard enough to sting. Jongwoon grunts a curse despite him, both by surprise and from how fucking good this feels.

Jongwoon can’t choose a favourite between Ryeowook’s mouth and his tight little asshole—he thinks if he could fuck both at the same time, he would without hesitation.

“Did you finally decide to be good for daddy now ? Have you learned your lesson ?” Jongwoon questions, trying to keep a clear head despite having Ryeowook playing with his weak spot as he speaks.

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods cutely. Fuck. He always knows just what to do to make Jongwoon’s head spin.

Jongwoon can’t complain, though. Thanks to Ryeowook’s little stunt on Tuesday night, where he dared to openly defy him without restraint, he feels like he’s gotten back in touch with his dominant side that had partially been laying dormant inside of him for a while. He doesn’t feel like he’d consciously been holding back, because it’s not like he truly minded keeping things on the softer side for Ryeowook’s sake, but he realizes now that he really fucking missed this and he couldn’t be happier to see his baby so into it as well.

His initial punishment before he ended up fucking him on the kitchen floor had worked for that night only, however. The next day, Ryeowook was back on his antics, purposely pushing Jongwoon’s buttons until the man cracked and decided to go even harder with the punishment, and it looks like it worked this time around. But he guesses he’ll have to see about that.

Smiling fondly at him, Jongwoon beckons the boy to come closer and climb on top of him, a demand that Ryeowook obeys without questions, smiling back at him brightly. The man pushes himself up a little, using his and Ryeowook’s pillows to support his back as he lies half-sitting under his boyfriend, and his hands find purchase on his hips to hold him in place on his stomach.

His cock twitches against the curve of Ryeowook’s ass when his eyes lock on to the little silicon rings caging his little cock, now hard and angry red, and preventing him from cumming. Jongwoon had put it on him yesterday in the late morning and forced him to keep it on, only giving him permission to take it off for showering and bathroom breaks—which he supervised to make sure his baby didn’t cheat and tried to get himself off. And it’s so fucking beautiful, almost as much as Ryeowook is himself, that Jongwoon catches himself staring for longer than he thought he did.

Not that Ryeowook pays it any mind. He loves seeing his boyfriend in awe before him—it makes him feel like he’s the most precious gem in the world, and especially now with their current circumstances, he wouldn’t wish for anything else. He knows it’s today that Jongwoon meets up with Hyukjae. And he kind of hopes the man forgets about it, though he doesn’t want to say anything. He doesn’t want to be the reason Jongwoon is forced to battle with his inner demons for longer than he needs to.

“Can you tell me what you learned from this ?” Jongwoon inquires, wrapping one of his hands around Ryeowook’s cock to tease the head with his thumb, running it along the slit.

Ryeowook’s jaw clenches as he tries to bite back a whimper, though he miserably fails at it. “Not to talk back to you,” he blurts out, trying to give out his answer before he’s left a whining mess again.

“_And _ ?”

“That no one but you can make me feel good, not even myself,” Ryeowook states with absolute confidence.

“You’re such a good boy,” Jongwoon praises him, pulling him down for a loving kiss. He can faintly taste himself on Ryeowook’s tongue, which makes his cock twitch again—fuck. He meant to wait until after his meeting to take the cockring off and give his baby a reward if he managed to prove he meant every word of his promise to be good, but he doesn’t think he’ll be able to ignore his own arousal long enough to last until then.

Ryeowook’s heart warms up at the compliment. He always gets giddy whenever Jongwoon calls him that; it’s like he can never get used to it fully, and every time the man refers to him as such, it fills him with a sense of pride he’d been unfamiliar with all his life. Jongwoon has this effect on him that he can’t quite describe—he just knows he’s never felt such a pressing need to please someone before, and he mostly sees it as a good thing despite how it sounds, because it genuinely makes him happy to have his boyfriend be so proud of him.

The only reason he acts like a brat with him is because he knows Jongwoon secretly likes it as much as he does.

Jongwoon moves on from his lips to his collarbone, licking and sucking over one of the many fresh bruises adorning his upper chest. It stings, but Ryeowook likes it, and he pushes himself even more into Jongwoon to encourage him to keep going.

Jongwoon’s hands slide down to caress Ryeowook’s thighs as he continues to mark him, adding even more color to his masterpiece, brushing his warm palms over the thin sheer fabric of the stockings he’s asked Ryeowook to keep on. He would’ve never imagined this to be such a fucking turn on, but he can’t get enough of seeing his baby in them; even with his experience, it seems that Ryeowook manages to make him discover new kinks of his he never realized he had, and it’s one of the many things that make their relationship so passionate and exciting in his opinion. He doesn’t regret taking his time to explore new fantasies and kinks with his boyfriend, not even for a second.

He has no regret about this relationship at all, in fact. Not even that it started too soon after his break up, nor that it caused him to become this emotionally fragile; everything positive the boy brings up far outweighs the negative for him to give it any importance in the grand scheme of things. He just wishes he could actually tell Ryeowook he loves him, but he doesn’t think it’s something he’ll be able to do until he finally clears things up with Hyukjae. He reckons that _ this _ is the thing that keeps holding him back; the fact that he now has no clue what he even felt for his ex honestly torments him. Just thinking that what he felt for Hyukjae is the same as he feels for Ryeowook deeply bothers him, because Ryeowook deserves so much more than that.

Ryeowook jumps in his arms when Jongwoon’s lips wrap around his nipple, causing his ass to press even more against the man’s painfully hard cock, which only makes him groan in return. The vibrations from the sound reverberate through Ryeowook’s entire body, prompting the boy to grind down on Jongwoon’s lower stomach in an attempt to seek some kind of friction, but he’s stopped by his boyfriend almost immediately.

With impressive speed, Jongwoon cages Ryeowook’s arms behind his back, holding them completely locked in place with a vice grip that the boy knows he can’t free himself of no matter how hard he tries. Jongwoon may not look it, but he’s surprisingly strong, many times more than Ryeowook is—and it’s something the younger man goes crazy for.

“You know you won’t be able to cum this morning either even if I fuck you, right ?” Jongwoon warns him in a stern but sultry tone.

“But—”

“Hey now, I don’t want to hear you complain, baby boy,” Jongwoon cuts him off, pressing the thumb of his free hand against the boy’s lips to shut him up. “I won’t just take your word for it anymore. You have to prove me that you _meant_ _it_ when you said you learned your lesson.”

“I promise I meant it,” Ryeowook feebly argues, words muffled by having his lips partially sealed by Jongwoon’s thumb.

“But you said that so many times before, angel,” Jongwoon reminds him, taking a more belittling tone. “And I’m _ still _ here, having to teach you manners and respect because you _ don’t learn_.”

Fuck. Jongwoon is making a very good point to defend his position, and Ryeowook knows more arguing will only lead to his punishment getting extended beyond _ just _ today, so he’s forced to give up and let Jongwoon win, like always. Under normal circumstances, he’s stubborn enough to hold his ground until the very end, but it’s always a different story with his boyfriend. He could only act defiant with him for a few minutes at best before his own instincts forced him to submit, as if it were the right order of things in nature itself.

“So you’ll have to keep that in mind if you still want me to fuck you,” Jongwoon continues. “And, fair warning : you’ve got me so fucking riled up that I can’t promise I’ll be slow and gentle with you.”

Ryeowook’s always been amazed by his boyfriend’s ability to control himself and his urges, because it’s something he’s completely incapable of doing himself. There’s nothing in Jongwoon’s expression or body language right now that would suggest that he’s just a few seconds away from breaking, at least not at first glance—Ryeowook _ can _ catch a glimpse of that untamed flame of lust burning behind his dark eyes, but it’s something he knows he would’ve completely missed had he not known the man as well as he does now.

Ryeowook does hesitate for a moment, because while he fucking loves having Jongwoon’s cock pounding deep inside of him, the prospect of not being able to cum _ again _ is downright horrifying. He’s so fucking hard and in pain—it feels like his cock is going to break and fall apart any minute now, suffocated by the toy wrapped around it. Yet, the need to prove to Jongwoon that he _ is _ a good boy is so strong that it makes the scale tip significantly enough for him to agree, nodding to let the man know he’s okay with that.

“Use your words, baby,” Jongwoon prods him, tilting his chin up so he can look at him.

“Please, fuck me,” Ryeowook replies, face growing hotter from embarrassment. Though it’s no secret to Jongwoon that he fucking wants this, Ryeowook will never get over his bashfulness to voice his desires out loud—it almost feels like confessing to a sin each time, but it doesn’t bother him that much. He understands that Jongwoon just wants explicit consent from him before he does anything, and it’s something he’s always very appreciative of.

Ryeowook catches the devilish smirk on Jongwoon’s lips before the man pulls him into yet another kiss, this time deeper and more passionate, but still on the slower side—for now. The boy can hear the drawer of the bedside table rolling open, followed by shuffling and a clicking sound he recognizes instantly. Oh. Fuck yes.

Knowing just how much his baby loves to be restrained, Jongwoon now keeps the leather handcuffs he can hook onto his headboard in the drawer along with the lube; and though this time tying Ryeowook to the bed isn’t in his plans, he still doesn’t want to give the boy any chances to touch himself, even if he doubts he’d even try. At the core of it, he’s doing it to indulge the both of them, since they’re so fucking into it—Ryeowook especially.

Jongwoon can feel Ryeowook bring his wrists together under his grasp, already begging to be handcuffed, and fuck, that simple gesture is so fucking hot that Jongwoon can now feel the heavy amounts of precum leaking from his cock, who now wants nothing more than to be buried inside Ryeowook’s ass and stay there forever. Discarding the lube to the side for now, Jongwoon clasps the cuffs around the boy’s wrists, making sure it’s tight enough for him to feel trapped but not so much that it turns painful, and Ryeowook is back to try and grind down on him.

Before now, Jongwoon would’ve brushed it aside, too impatient—and also wanting to be lenient—to let it stop him from prepping Ryeowook for him, but their dynamic has changed now and he can feel it. They _ both _ can, so it doesn’t come as a surprise to the boy when Jongwoon grabs him by the jaw as a silent warning to _ stop moving_, cold eyes boring into Ryeowook’s, which are starting to cloud over with lust and submission.

“I know how much you love daddy’s cock,” Jongwoon grunts, “but don’t force my hand into teaching you patience on top of that, or I’ll leave you hanging and frustrated for an entire _ week_. And you wouldn’t want that, would you ?”

“No,” Ryeowook stutters—fuck, he wants to cry just thinking about how torturous it would be. Orgasm denial truly is the worst punishment for him.

“Then _ behave_,” Jongwoon warns him before he lets go, leaving Ryeowook shivering—he already thought his boyfriend was hot when he acted dominant with him, but now that word could only _ wish _ it were strong enough to describe him.

Ryeowook leans over to rest his forehead against Jongwoon’s shoulder, slowly nodding to let him know that he understood his order and agreed to it. His consciousness is floating somewhere above his head now, and he subconsciously tries to get as close to the man as possible, unaware of his own moves when he shuffles forward to lay flush against his boyfriend’s chest. Jongwoon lets him this time, thinking this is too cute not to encourage it; it also gives him better access to Ryeowook’s ass, so it’s a win-win in this case.

Ryeowook bites down on Jongwoon’s neck when the man starts drawing circles around his rim with two lubed up fingers, teasing him—he can feel himself clenching around nothing, wanting to be filled more than anything else, but the sound of his whine is overpowered by the deep groan coming from Jongwoon then. His boyfriend’s free arm snaps around his waist as a reflex, trapping him against him even more, before the palm of his other hand sharply smacks Ryeowook’s left asscheek, encouraging the boy to bite down even _ harder_. It’s going to leave a mark for sure, and that’s exactly what Jongwoon wants.

Ryeowook can’t believe he let it slip from his mind that Jongwoon is into this, but now that he’s being reminded, he has no qualms about harshly sucking on the skin, secretly hoping the mark will be noticeable enough for Hyukjae to know Jongwoon is _ his_, though he doesn’t realize this is the motive behind it right away. He’s too focused on the man’s hand kneading the irritated skin to soothe the sting and his need to have his cock inside of him to pay attention to his own intrusive thoughts.

Ryeowook is still sucking on his neck when Jongwoon’s fingers slide back to his hole, but this time, he doesn’t fool around and tease him like he did previously. The man always tends to use quite generous amounts of lube, so his middle finger slides in with ease and without pain, despite how hard Ryeowook’s hole is closing in on him. It’s not nearly enough to satisfy the younger man, though; in fact, it makes things worse for him, and he somehow feels even emptier than before because he needs _ more_, which Jongwoon is eager to deliver by joining in his ring finger about a minute later.

“Daddy…” Ryeowook lets out in a breathy moan into Jongwoon’s skin, sounding so small and already so fucked out—it makes Jongwoon’s heart melt and almost want to break character. _ Almost_.

Jongwoon knows Ryeowook isn’t asking or pleading for anything right now, so he simply acknowledges his call to him by nibbling at the sweet spot right behind his ear, already adorned with a hickey from yesterday and using this as a distraction to slip his index finger inside of him, slowly scissoring him open. This is the only part of this where he plans on being gentle, not wanting to hurt him by accident.

Jongwoon’s fingers just barely graze against his prostate, getting him so riled up yet so unsatisfied that Ryeowook chokes on a sob; he’s already carrying all the frustration of not being able to cum from yesterday where they’d spent pretty much the whole day having sex on every piece of furniture big enough for Jongwoon to fuck him on, so he’s hanging on by a thread at this point. His cock is so sensitive yet so contradictorily numb that it’s getting _ really _ painful, but it’s not the type of pain that makes him want to stop everything and call the safeword.

Jongwoon decides Ryeowook is ready to take him when the boy starts shivering so much it makes _ him _ shiver too and he hears him tug against his cuffs to try and hold on to him, which makes Ryeowook moan because shit, now he’s fully conscious that he’s trapped and he fucking loves that. Jongwoon hums in content against his pulse, withdrawing his fingers so he could use his hand to coat his cock in lube as well and line it up with Ryeowook’s needy hole, who’s immediately trying to suck him up all the way inside once the head passes through the rim.

Jongwoon lets the boy sink down on him completely, watching as his cock disappears inside of him, swallowed up by his warmth and tightness that Jongwoon likes to call _ home_. He allows himself to just enjoy the feeling for a moment, closing his eyes and focusing on the way Ryeowook’s muscles spasm all around him, before his baby lets out an impatient whine that snaps him back to reality.

“You’re really eager for someone who knows they won’t get any release from this,” Jongwoon teases, reaching between them to trail his thumb under the shaft of Ryeowook’s cock, making the boy hiss. “Does it hurt ?” Ryeowook nods immediately, keeping his eyes shut as he tries to keep his grasp on reality.

What he doesn’t expect, though, is that instead of continuing to tease him by jerking him off and smearing precum all over the head like he usually does, Jongwoon _ flicks _ him, hitting the spot where the head connects to the shaft on the underside of his cock; it’s gentle, but holy fuck, the feeling he gets from it is so electrifying that his mind goes completely blank for a hot minute.

Jongwoon cocks his head to the side, giving him a surprised look that slowly morphs into mischief as a devilish smirk creeps up on his face. “Oh. _ You like that_,” Jongwoon marvels, somehow sounding like he’s stating a fact while also asking a question.

Ryeowook doesn’t need to give him a confirmation for Jongwoon to know he’s right—the visible surprise on his face when the boy realizes that he _ indeed likes it _ is enough for him. And just to fuck with him even more, Jongwoon does it again, still gentle but going on a little stronger than the previous one, and Ryeowook feels like he’s going to cry.

It’s not just the electric current rushing through his every nerve that gets him off. The way Jongwoon is looking at him at this very moment, as though he were utterly fascinated by him, also plays a major role in his enjoyment of this.

Jongwoon promises himself to fully exploit this more masochistic side of Ryeowook he’s just uncovered some time in the near future. For now, though, he’s tortured him enough—the boy looks like he’s about to break apart, and he deems the level at which he pushed his punishment suffices for now.

Jongwoon readjusts their position a little, sliding back down just enough so him to more easily thrust up into Ryeowook, holding the boy by the ass, spreading his cheeks apart with a grip strong enough to burn the imprint of his hands on the skin, and letting him lie down on top of him. He has absolutely no intention of letting Ryeowook ride him or do anything on his own; this time, it’s all on _ his _ terms, to both the boy’s delight and dismay.

Jongwoon stays true to his word when he stated that he wouldn’t be gentle earlier, pounding into him as fast and hard as he can almost right away. Ryeowook’s breathing gets caught in his chest for a moment, and he can do nothing but bury his face into Jongwoon’s chest as jerky moans escape him. He’s trying to forget the fact that he can’t cum this time either, but to no avail, because he gets so fucking turned on—as if he weren’t enough already—by the fact that this means Jongwoon is fully using him to get himself off. Somehow, getting nothing in return doesn’t bother him at all. His cock may not agree with him though, but he tries his best not to pay it any mind. Which is harder to do when his boyfriend’s relentless abuse of his prostate is making him lightheaded and his vision turn white, and he’s so far off into subspace that he can’t construct any rational thought beyond _ Jongwoon’s cock_, but he manages, somehow, to keep himself together just enough to abide by Jongwoon’s rules despite the mess he’s quickly turned into.

He loses his sense of reality, however, when Jongwoon pulls him into a passionate but very rough kiss, using one of his hands to wrap it around his throat while his other arm snakes around his lower back, giving him two of the things he loves the most at once : being choked, and being completely trapped into the man’s hold. This is probably the closest thing to Heaven Ryeowook thinks he could experience, but he wouldn’t put it past Jongwoon to make him go back on his words by pulling out something even more amazing at this point.

Feeling himself coming closer to climax, Jongwoon suddenly pulls out of Ryeowook, to the latter’s absolute dumbfoundment. He wants to whine and protest, beg the man to pound into him again, but he doesn’t have time to fully return to consciousness enough to form words before his boyfriend flips them around so Ryeowook is now lying on his stomach on the bed. He has no fucking idea how it even happened, his surroundings now nothing but a blur he can’t recognize, but he honestly doesn’t give a shit as long as he gets to have Jongwoon inside him again.

“You’re so fucking perfect,” Jongwoon curses under his breath, panting, in awe at how easily and _ willingly _ Ryeowook bares himself out to him and does everything he asks of him without question. “God, baby, I couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

Ryeowook can feel Jongwoon’s cock rubbing against him, swollen and pulsing, and he pushes himself into it, trying to create enough friction for Jongwoon to get riled up and finally fill him up again. He hears the man chuckle behind him at his desperation, but he still indulges him, entering him once more with one sharp thrust that makes Ryeowook forget how to breathe again.

The boy silently prays for Jongwoon to cum soon, though, so he can catch a break and calm down his aching cock trapped between his thighs, but he also doesn’t want it to stop. This feeling of being completely detached from reality while also having the certainty that he’s safe and in good hands is too addicting.

“I wish you could see how fucking beautifully your little ass takes me,” Jongwoon grunts, feeling as if he’s seconds away from cumming at last.

He isn’t really thinking anything of it and Ryeowook knows that, but an idea pops up in his foggy mind then. “Film it ?”

Jongwoon stops moving almost instantly, blinking at the boy, trying to process whether or not he actually just heard what he thinks he’s just heard. His cock starts to pulse even harder once it fully settles in, and fuck, he’s so into that.

“You’re so fucking amazing, you know that ?” Jongwoon beams, bending over Ryeowook’s back to kiss his cheek, careful not to crush his arms still attached in his back, and he stretches out an arm to his bedside table to grab his phone.

Ryeowook smiles at the compliment, feeling his body heating up and blushing all over when he turns his head to the side and watches Jongwoon point the camera at his ass, but he’s mostly happy, suddenly overcome with bliss when his boyfriend starts moving again, knowing the man is happy too, thanks to him.

Jongwoon tries to keep his phone as steady as possible as he chases his orgasm, making sure he can clearly see his cock disappear into Ryeowook’s perfect little ass, and it takes him no time to finally cum with a low groan. He uses his free hand to spread the boy’s cheeks apart, watching the way his cock visibly twitches through the camera, and fuck he hopes he can use this video to rile Ryeowook up in the future one way or another.

Jongwoon pulls out much earlier than he usually would—he usually prefers to stay inside until he comes back down from his high—wanting to film his cum slowly flowing out of Ryeowook, only to scoop it back up with his cock and push it back inside of him, who’s gladly giving him those cute little whimpers that make him go crazy to add to a video he already thought was perfect, and repeats the gesture a couple times until there’s nothing more flooding out. There’s something about this that makes Ryeowook look even more gorgeous to him now, if that was even possible, and he takes his time capturing every sound, every tug on the cuffs and every expression that he makes before finally setting his phone down and returning his full attention to the boy under him.

Ryeowook looks like he’s on the verge of tears due to overstimulation, and Jongwoon thinks it’s fucking _ beautiful_. He’s quick to lean over the boy and hold him in his arms, though, when he hears him whimper—the very needy kind, which immediately kicks his instincts into action. Leaving soft little kisses down his spine between his shoulder blades, Jongwoon reaches between them to unclasp Ryeowook’s restraints and tosses them to the side, before he wraps his arms around his middle and rests his forehead on the boy’s back.

“I can’t believe you did so well, baby,” Jongwoon marvels breathily. He doesn’t know _ how_, but he swears he can _ hear _ Ryeowook smile at the compliment. “And I can’t believe I get to have such a perfect little boy all to myself.”

With what little strength he has left, Ryeowook hoists himself onto his arms to turn himself over so he can lie on his back again and stare up at his boyfriend, meeting his gaze filled with pride and disbelief.

“Does this mean I get a reward ?” Ryeowook asks, hoping it’ll lead to Jongwoon finally allowing him to cum, and also that his question won’t earn him more teasing for being greedy.

Jongwoon hums, considering the idea for a moment, before dropping down to leave a quick and gentle kiss onto his lips. “I think you do,” he confirms, though the smirk he gives him then tells Ryeowook there’s a twist to it. “I’ll take the cockring off and trust that you’ll behave while I’m gone.”

Jongwoon’s heart stings a little at his last statement—somehow he hasn’t forgotten about his meeting with Hyukjae, and he really, _ really _ hates thinking about it in a moment like this, but as far as he knows, he still has the green light to go, and so he will.

“Daddy’s gonna take good care of you when he comes back, I promise,” he then adds, collecting himself before Ryeowook can notice anything shifting in his demeanor. “But only if my baby promises he won’t touch himself or make himself cum by any means until I’m back.”

Though his cock is hard and aching now, Ryeowook figures that at this point, waiting a few hours more won’t hurt too much. He consoles himself thinking it’ll make Jongwoon want to come home as quickly as possible, too, and that he won’t leave his mind for a second while he’s out talking with his ex. And it’s his chance to prove he _ can _ do what Jongwoon wants him to do, and that he can do it _ perfectly _ too.

“I promise,” Ryeowook nods, though he almost breaks that promise the second Jongwoon takes his cockring off—fuck, just the feeling of finally be free has him leaking precum and twitching, and he hopes to all gods that Jongwoon doesn’t decide to tease him more than that.

It seems at least one of them has heard his prayers, because the man simply returns to cuddling him for what seems like both an eternity and just a few seconds, somehow, until an alarm on his phone breaks through the comfortable silence between them.

Groaning in slight frustration, Jongwoon rolls his eyes and shuts off the alarm, making no attempts at getting up and ready for another good ten minutes or so, and Ryeowook is thankful for that.

The boy is still clinging to him by the time he does decide to move, however, and Jongwoon actually considers the idea of bailing on Hyukjae altogether and spending another day in with Ryeowook. There’s no counter argument he can think of—not that he even wants to find one in the first place—to make the balance tip on Hyukjae’s side, yet, for some reason, he still decides he needs to get up and go. Probably because he really wants to make sure Hyukjae isn’t there to hurt the both of them, Ryeowook _ especially_, but he doesn’t really know what pushes him in the end.

“You still have time to change your mind,” Jongwoon assures him, holding him tighter against him.

Ryeowook almost tells him not to go just then, but he doesn’t want to be selfish like that. Especially not after Jongwoon’s attempts to prove him time and time again that he doesn’t need to worry about anything.

“No, go,” Ryeowook insists, though his voice comes small and unassured.

“Are you _ sure _ ?” Jongwoon presses, though a part of him wishes Ryeowook would change his mind and tell him to stay.

“I’m sure,” Ryeowook nods.

Jongwoon does nothing for a minute, not knowing whether to believe the boy or not. It’s conflicting, really, because Ryeowook actually looks genuine in what he’s saying, but he sounds so unconvinced by his own words that Jongwoon is left having to assume what lies behind it all. And he hates assuming, so he decides to _ trust _ his boyfriend—trust is something that’s really important to him, and something he’s been stressing on since the beginning of their relationship, after all.

“Come into the shower with me,” Jongwoon suggests, though he makes it sound more like an order than anything else. Either way, it’s not like Ryeowook is going to refuse.

Despite his heavy procrastination, Jongwoon is the first to show up at their rendez-vous point, though he’s not really surprised; he’s the tardy type too, but Hyukjae’s always been much worse than him. And it seems this aspect of the guy hasn’t changed. Jongwoon is both annoyed and thankful for this, because on one hand, it means his anxiety is going to be drawn out much longer, but on the other, it allowed him not to cower at the last second upon seeing his ex and run away back to his place.

Trying to distract himself from his nervousness, Jongwoon pulls out his phone, seeing he’s got a text from Ryeowook with a picture attached to it—it’s the cover of his book, _ The Darkening_, with a message that reads, _ ‘even when you’re gone, I end up finding ways to think about you’ _ followed with an eye roll emoji, as though his boyfriend was holding him accountable for it.

_ ‘I don’t remember telling you to read my book while I was gone’_, Jongwoon texts back, playing dumb.

_ ‘Well, I (you) paid for it, so I might as well get my (your) money’s worth’_, Ryeowook retorts. Jongwoon can hear the sarcastic and slightly scolding tone behind the message very clearly. 

_ ‘What did I do to deserve such a supportive man in my life ?’ _ Jongwoon teases, chuckling to himself like an idiot.

_ ‘You forced him into buying something with your own money and he felt like coming back at you for it’ _

_ ‘And I regret nothing ♡’ _

It seems the boy is still a little salty about the credit card story from a few days ago, but Jongwoon finds it really cute—it’s a huge change from what Hyukjae used to do with him. The entire opposite, actually, and while the man really likes and _ wants _ to spoil his baby rotten, he appreciates the fact that Ryeowook gives him quite the challenge in doing so. Hyukjae could be a nightmare with his money at times—he’s getting a headache just thinking about it.

Jongwoon knew the guy didn’t have a job when they met. He was living off of his small inheritance from his mother who had just recently passed away, so he was very aware of what he was signing up for when he asked him to move in with him—which happened very quickly, too, because of the nature of their relationship and what they’d agreed upon from the beginning. It was a total power exchange, master-slave relationship, so it was almost required of them to live together. Jongwoon didn’t have a problem with that at first, until this one ‘incident’ that happened about six months into their relationship while he was out for dinner with his brother. It’s something he’ll never be able to forget, given it was the stem of a lot of the problems regarding finances that followed afterwards.

_ Jongwoon knew right away when time came to pay for his meal and he couldn’t find his card in his phone case that Hyukjae had to be behind this. His frustration and disappointment were clearly visible on his face, too, and the angry sigh he let out as a result caught Jongjin’s attention, who gave him a questioning look, silently asking what was wrong. _

_ “Nothing,” Jongwoon sighed again. “I think I just forgot my credit card at home.” _

_ He didn’t want his brother to worry about his potential relationship problems. Hyukjae had a habit of taking his card to buy stuff for himself from time to time, and for the most part, he didn’t mind it all that much—but he’d usually do it when Jongwoon was home and not out with someone where his card was actually useful to him. _

_ “Do you mind it if I transfer you the money now so you can pay for both of us ?” he then asked him, swallowing his own pride. He fucking hated asking someone for money, especially now that he had enough to not worry about bills even just a little bit, but he was left with no other choice now. He didn’t carry his debit card around with him either, since he never used it, but now he really wishes he had. _

_ “I can just pay for everything,” Jongjin offered. “I’m the one who invited you, after all. No need to pay me back.” _

_ “No, I want to pay for it,” Jongwoon insisted. “You know I hate having people pay for my stuff.” _

_ Jongjin didn’t really make a fuss about it, even though he was sincere when he said he felt like paying for it. He knew his brother was the stubborn kind, so he’d learned by now not to start an argument with him in public, or else he’d never see the end of it. _

_ “If you say so,” Jongjin shrugged. _

_ Jongwoon was already opening up his banking app by then, ready to make the transfer, but curiosity got the better of him and he decided to check his credit card statement, just to see where and when Hyukjae could’ve possibly bought something when he hadn’t left the house all day. _

_ Jongwoon almost choked on thin air when he caught a glimpse of the price, spent all in the same place—a clothing store, he assumed, though he didn’t recognize the name. The ₩1,540,000 note stuck out like a sore thumb, and the man couldn’t possibly imagine just what the fuck Hyukjae could’ve bought for it to be this high. He might as well have emptied their stock at this point. _

_ “Everything alright ?” Jongjin checked, noticing the way his brother’s eyes almost threatened to pop out of their sockets from the shock on his face. _

_ Jongwoon blinked. “Yeah, yeah, sorry,” he dismissed, “I’m sending you the money now.” _

_ He silently thanked his brother for not being the nosy type, because he had no fucking idea how to even explain this to him. Needless to say, he was fuming for the entirety of the way back home, gripping the wheel of his car so tightly that it was a miracle it survived. It wasn’t that he was worried he couldn’t pay back the bill at the end of the month, because he knew he could—he wasn’t even above spending that kind of money on Hyukjae on his own. It was the fact that his partner didn’t even consult him first before splurging like that that infuriated him, both from a personal and a relationship standpoint. It was a question of trust for him, and now he knew trusting Hyukjae with his card was a fucking mistake; but he was also angry because Hyukjae knew very well that he wasn’t allowed to do this kind of thing without Jongwoon’s permission first, and he deliberately went against the rules they’d agreed upon, and he couldn’t let that pass. _

_ The fact that he found Hyukjae casually watching some random video on his phone, acting as though nothing could possibly be wrong, only served to aggravate him even more. _

_ “I think you have some things to explain,” Jongwoon announced, voice chilling to the bone yet on the quiet side. He knew better than to raise his voice at his partner—it wasn’t something that ever happened between them, but Hyukjae had told him at the very beginning that getting yelled at was a hard limit for him, so no matter how angry Jongwoon could get at him from time to time, he was always very careful not to cross that boundary. _

_ Hyukjae set his phone aside immediately to shift his attention back to the man, standing up straight with his arms crossed in front of the door. He looked and sounded angry, but Hyukjae genuinely had no idea what could have caused this. Whatever it was, though, Jongwoon was holding him accountable for it, and he instantly felt himself grow smaller, as if he were being sucked into the couch. He sat there, immobile, confused and completely clueless about what he should even say. _

_ “I asked you something,” Jongwoon repeated as he walked up to him. He could spot the exact moment Hyukjae completely tipped into subspace—perfect. This would make things so much easier for him to get the answers he was looking for. “Stand up and talk.” _

_ Hyukjae obeyed without a fuss, though he felt like dropping to his knees the moment Jongwoon stood in front of him in the living room. The fear he was feeling was so fucking arousing to him—despite how terrifying his master was, Hyukjae was so fucking grateful that he didn’t have to fear that anything he didn’t want would happen to him. _

_ “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what you—” _

_ “You don’t know ?” Jongwoon scoffed, speaking in that belittling tone that made Hyukjae feel like a child getting scolded. This was getting better by the minute. “Are you saying don’t remember stealing my card to make some ridiculous purchases without my permission ? You don’t remember spending over a million and a half won on clothes earlier today ?” _

_ Oh. Oh fuck. It just hit Hyukjae that while he hadn’t forgotten about the online shopping he did earlier, he completely forgot to put back Jongwoon’s card in its place—it was still there lying on the coffee table, and he knew he was in for quite the punishment. And fuck, he was excited now, even in this situation, and he wondered if he could manage to rile him up just a little more to make it worth his while. _

_ If he knew one thing that Jongwoon hated, it was when he’d break eye contact while he was being scolded, so he did just that—he lowered his head to stare at his feet, trying his best to look guilty and like he was sorry even if given the results it yielded, he had no regrets whatsoever, and he got the reaction he had wished for. _

_ Jongwoon forced his head back up by pulling at the hair at the back of his head, and Hyukjae’s knees grew weak. He had to support himself on Jongwoon’s shoulders, and he couldn’t suppress his satisfied smile when his gaze met the man’s, full of angry fire and lust. _

_ “So you think this is funny ?” _

_ “No, sir, I’m sorry,” Hyukjae apologized, though it sounded way too rehearsed for Jongwoon to be convinced by it even a little bit. “But I promise I didn’t mean to anger you,” he then added, now sounding entirely sincere. “I made a mistake stealing. And I made another by not paying attention to the price tags. I’m sorry.” _

_ That, Jongwoon truly believed. Hyukjae was careless like that, and definitely the type to only think of the consequences after it happened. His cold and angry exterior faltered for a moment, just long enough for Hyukjae to know Jongwoon forgave him, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel like crying at that, because now he knew things would definitely turn into play rather than an argument. It seemed like he won this round yet again. _

_ Hyukjae let his palms run down Jongwoon’s front, hooking his fingers around his belt once he reached it, pulling the man closer to him. He bit his lip, expression turning into exaggerated regret, and he could tell it just made Jongwoon break completely. _

_ “What can I do to earn your forgiveness, master ?” _

_ Internally, Jongwoon wanted to roll his eyes and slap himself, because while he was still disappointed and frustrated by Hyukjae’s behaviour, he couldn’t resist him when he was acting like that. Maybe it was in his nature to be too forgiving, after all, despite how many punishments he delivered in the short amount of time they’d been together. _

_ “Start by getting on your fucking knees,” Jongwoon spat. _

_ Yeah. He was too soft, in the end. _

It had been after this that more troubles came, despite that day ending on a good note for the both of them. Following this, Jongwoon had decided to give Hyukjae an extension of his card so that he wouldn’t have to steal it again and put Jongwoon in embarrassing situations, something Hyukjae was definitely happy about. The thing was, it was at this moment that their trust started to break, because Jongwoon had felt the need to put a money limit on the extension, as well as turn on his notifications so he would know exactly when and how much was spent for every transaction, which obviously really upset his ex once he found out. The guilt tripping had started shortly after—Hyukjae had realized then that exploiting this weakness was the best way of getting what he wanted, and he made sure to fully capitalize on it.

It eventually led to Jongwoon becoming estranged from his family, and it’s one of the wounds Hyukjae had left behind even after their breakup that never healed properly.

Sighing, Jongwoon finally manages to find the courage he needed to open Jongjin’s private message on Instagram, something he’s been postponing for much longer than what can be considered normal. It looks silly and ridiculous at first glance, too, that he hasn’t been able to do it since he was technically the one to reach out first. It’s not that he’s scared of getting a negative response from his brother, because he knows he won’t. It’s that he wasn’t ready to face the mistakes of his past quite just yet, but if he’s able to meet with Hyukjae today, then he’s able to try and mend his and Jongjin’s relationship too.

_ ‘If you and I have something in common, it’s that we’re too forgiving of the people we love’_, Jongjin’s reply reads. Fucking ironic, given those were Jongwoon’s own thoughts mere minutes ago, too. _ ‘I know it wasn’t entirely your decision to cut ties, and though it hurt for a bit, I’m actually glad you decided to reach out. And I’m happy you were able to get out of that dark place. I can’t tell because I’ve never met him or seen you two interact in person, but even in pictures, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that before, and it warms my heart to see my brother looking so much better. I forgive you. And I miss you, too. Hopefully we can see each other again. You have a nice day too.’ _

Reading Jongjin’s message feels like getting shot through the heart. Jongwoon knew he was a shitty person in general—hopefully he was changing for the better thanks to Ryeowook acting like the slap in the face he needed all this time—but fuck, this hit him like a fucking truck, and he can do nothing but stare at his phone for a long, long time. What was he even supposed to reply to that, besides spamming Jongjin’s inbox with apologies ?

Taking a deep breath, Jongwoon stares at his phone screen for longer than he intends to, thumb hovering over the keyboard hoping inspiration strikes. He ends up reckoning that trying to make up over text is a very cheap way to do so, especially since they have almost two years of being estranged to catch up on, but he feels like at least issuing Jongjin an apology could be a good idea, despite his brother assuring him that he’s forgiven.

_ ‘Hey, sorry for taking so long to reply’_, Jongwoon types. _ ‘I don’t really have an excuse for it other than work, but just know I’m glad you’ve decided to respond and I’m thankful that you don’t seem to be mad at me even though you should be. I really want to make amends and try to fix the mistakes I’ve made, but I feel like doing that over Instagram DMs isn’t a very good way to do that. How about we meet up somewhere ? For dinner or go out for a drink. I’m free pretty much whenever, so let me know when you can, if you want to. I promise I’ll be faster to reply this time.’ _

Jongwoon rereads his message enough times that he’s convinced he could recite it by heart, at one point leaving his phone lying on the table, still turned on, to stare out the window at the people walking by outside. Today is a weird day—even the weather doesn’t seem to know what it wants, since it’s grey and cloudy, yet hot like a sunny day. And the faint rainbow circling around the sun peaking through the clouds makes him a little uncomfortable; he’s not one for superstitions, and he doesn’t even know if it’s actually a thing, but he distinctly remembers his mother once telling him this type of rainbow is an omen, apparently having something to do with snakes. But his mom was always the type to adhere to weird superstitious beliefs that had no base such as this, so he doesn’t want to think anything of it.

He can’t shake that uncomfortable feeling he gets from it, though, and it bothers him.

Just as he decides to pick his phone back up again to read it again for the umpteenth time, he spots a familiar face in the crowd, and he’s too busy staring at him to realize that he’s finally pressed the _ send _ button until it’s too late. Hyukjae. He’s there, finally.

And fuck, he’s changed so much that even though Jongwoon knows without the shadow of a doubt that it’s him, it also feels like it’s a completely different person standing in front of him—physically, at least. His hair is shorter and back to his original dark brown color; no more of that faded blue ‘baby mullet’ he had when he’s last seen him, and it looks like he’s put on some weight too, which he honestly needed.

The weirdest part in all of this, however, is the fact that just seeing him as he stands in the doorway scanning the crowd causes all his rage, resentment and fear to completely dissipate in an instant, leaving him with his apprehension only, though it’s much more manageable than it had been a few minutes ago. It’s so unexpected to him that he’s too in shock to process the fact that Hyukjae finally ended up spotting him at his table in the corner, though he doesn’t miss the man’s expression change from neutral to a bright smile when their eyes meet.

Hyukjae does look a little nervous despite his excitement, that Jongwoon can tell, and it’s so uncharacteristic of Hyukjae that it leaves Jongwoon to consider the idea that he may be hallucinating or at the very least projecting his own feelings onto him. His ex really isn’t the type to get anxious, not over situations like these anyway.

“I almost didn’t recognize you at first,” Hyukjae greets him, chuckling a little as he takes a seat right across Jongwoon, who remains frozen in place for another thirty seconds before he finally pulls himself together and shakes himself back to reality. “Man, this is so weird,” he then breathes out, seemingly just as shocked as Jongwoon is himself.

“You’ve changed too,” Jongwoon throws back at him, though a little more hesitant to strike a conversation than Hyukjae is. “You look…”

“Like I’m not two seconds away from a mental breakdown ?” Hyukjae completes jokingly. “Yeah. Shocking to me too.”

“I was gonna say you look good, but that works too,” Jongwoon specifies, though he’s still too in what feels like _ denial _ that this is really happening to allow himself to laugh along with his ex. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in years. And I thought seeing you again would… no, nevermind. It’s not important.”

“To be honest, I never expected you to get back to me,” Hyukjae admits, sounding a little… sad, for lack of a better word. Jongwoon can see the way his eyes gloss over, as though he felt regret or guilt, but he can’t really tell. He looks sincere, though. “But I felt like it was worth a shot to at least try and apologize to you. It’s been bugging me for a little while, since I became stable enough to realize how much of a mess I was.”

“I didn’t plan on it either at first,” Jongwoon confesses, figuring that being as honest and straight-forward as possible was the best course of action in this situation. “Ryeowook convinced me to.”

“Ryeowook ?” Hyukjae questions. “Oh, he’s the one who answered the door when I came by, right ? Your boyfriend ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods. It still feels a little weird to him to think of someone as his _ boyfriend_, but referring to Ryeowook as just a partner makes him feel too disconnected from what their relationship feels like to him. It’s no longer just an exclusive partnership like he initially thought of when he asked Ryeowook out officially. “He thought it could do me some good to finally get the closure we never had.”

“So he knows I’m your ex ?” Hyukjae checks, surprised Jongwoon would even tell his boyfriend the truth when he lied to the guy _ specifically _ to avoid stirring drama between the two of them by accident.

“Had to tell him after you showed up,” Jongwoon explains, though there’s no bitterness in his voice like he’s expected to let out. “I didn’t feel like lying to him. I was surprised you didn’t tell him yourself, though.”

“Old me probably would’ve,” Hyukjae scoffs. “Therapy helped a lot with changing that. You were right. I needed professional help. Our break up was the slap in the face I needed to finally get my shit together. It’s not perfect and I still have trouble with certain things… but I like to think I’m at least a more decent person than I used to be now.”

“You definitely sound more mature than I remember,” Jongwoon confirms. He’s still got his guards up, though, and he doesn’t want to fully trust him quite just yet. The fact that he’s able to be so calm and even admit his faults is big enough proof to make him believe the guy, but he’s been deceived so many times that he can’t allow himself to, at least not entirely.

“I don’t know how you managed to put up with me for so long, to be honest,” Hyukjae confesses. “But a part of me is glad you did, because it made me believe that there must be a part of me that isn’t a complete wreck and I was able to use that as a guideline during therapy.”

_ ‘The sex was great’ _ is the first thought that pops into Jongwoon’s mind, probably because so much of their relationship was built around it, but he really doesn’t believe this was the only reason he stayed for so long. He needs a few seconds to reflect over it, until he remembers the nightmares he’s had not too long ago and how his subconscious was basically screaming at him the true reason behind it all this time. Jongwoon’s always struggled with this deep feeling of loneliness stemming from the fact that he never felt like people could fully understand him and see him for who he really is, not even Heechul, even though they grew up together and never held any secrets for each other. It felt really alienating at times, so when he met Hyukjae, who he _ still _ believes actually did understand him, he immediately got attached to him.

Hyukjae had managed to fill this void inside of him for the first time in his life, and that alone had been enough for Jongwoon to want to hold on to it for longer than he should have. His ex wasn’t exactly wrong when he claimed Jongwoon just wanted someone as broken as him by his side, because he believed, deep down, that this was the only way he could find someone who wouldn’t make that emptiness inside of him grow heavier.

He gets that exact same feeling from Ryeowook, except this time, there’s a warmth to it that he never felt with Hyukjae. And though his current boyfriend doesn’t understand him to the level that Hyukjae did, he’s _ actually and genuinely trying _ to, which is something he’s never experienced before.

“Yeah, and you figured it out before I did,” Jongwoon affirms. “Though I know you probably meant to hurt me by it, you weren’t wrong when you said you made me feel less alone. For the longest time, I thought I was motivated by something else, but… I don’t think we truly ever loved each other.”

“I don’t think so either,” Hyukjae agrees apologetically. “When I described it to my therapist, she said it sounded more like an obsession than anything else. It makes a lot of sense to me. You made me feel like someone finally truly cared about me and because I’d never felt that before, I believed you were the only one who ever could give that to me. That’s probably why I guilt-tripped you so much. I didn’t want you to leave because for the longest time, you were the only thing that gave me some stability, and I became obsessed with the idea to keep you by any means necessary very quickly.”

It makes a lot of sense to Jongwoon too, now that the answer he’s been looking for all this time sat right in front of him. _ Obsession_. That’s what made it so toxic at the core of it, because they were both hanging on to an illusion rather than on to each other from the beginning. Their relationship wasn’t and had never been about them as a unit, but about them as individual entities selfishly looking for anything that could cauterize their wounds for good. Jongwoon doesn’t think he would’ve been so easily manipulated if he truly cared about Hyukjae’s well-being for his own good; he cared about him because losing him would mean reuniting with this crippling loneliness he’s been acquainted with since birth, and he wanted to avoid that at all costs.

And now he’s starting to believe that maybe he’s repeating that same pattern with Ryeowook—that despite their relationship being so much healthier than his and Hyukjae’s was, all he’s doing now is to hang on to the boy for the same selfish reasons, and that he only ended up falling in love with him because unlike anyone else, Ryeowook truly seems to care about him as a person. And Jongwoon really wants to believe it’s the same for him, that he cares about his baby as a _ person _ and not as an experience, and to an extent, he knows he does; but he can shake away his doubt that this is all motivated by something else, and he can’t stop thinking about it now. Fuck.

“Jongwoon ?” Hyukjae calls as he waves his hand in front of the man’s eyes. “Are you okay ?”

Jongwoon blinks and shakes himself back to present time, though it’s very obvious that something is still bothering him. “Oh, huh, yeah, sorry,” he blabbers, trying to collect himself. Hyukjae is just about the last person he wants to have a conversation about his current relationship problems with. “I was just… what you said made a lot of sense to me.”

“So you started overthinking our entire relationship ?” Hyukjae guesses—he knows how Jongwoon’s mind works to a fault.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon sighs, lips curving upward just enough to show a hint of a smile, feeling strangely amused at the fact that Hyukjae really knows him by heart, though he doesn’t seem to have considered the idea that he was also questioning his current relationship on top of theirs. “You’ve changed a lot but it seems I haven’t, since you’re still able to read through me like an open book.”

“No, I do feel like you’ve changed too,” Hyukjae corrects him. “You look a lot calmer and at peace now. And you haven’t yelled or threw me out the window yet. You even agreed to meet me. I don’t think that’s what the old Jongwoon would’ve done.”

“You say that like I was ever violent with you,” Jongwoon raises in question, and he immediately knows what Hyukjae is about to say the minute he sees the light flicker in his eyes. “_Without _ you wanting me to,” he stresses.

Hyukjae purses his lips, slightly annoyed that he was caught so easily. Dammit.

But it brings up another conversation topic, one that’s a little lighter this time, and Hyukjae feels like it’s a very much needed break before it turns serious again.

“Have you ever gone back to the dungeon since then ?” he questions, genuinely curious.

“No, I didn’t,” Jongwoon answers. “Yunho threatened to punch me if he ever saw me again, and I didn’t wanna get a lawsuit on my hands because I know for a fact he would’ve sued me for beating him up and crushing his ego.” He mostly means this as a joke, recounting it as an anecdote, but there’s a bitterness in his voice that doesn’t completely go unnoticed. “Did you ?”

“Yeah,” Hyukjae nods. “I felt like I was ready to meet people again about a month ago.”

“And did you meet anyone ?” Jongwoon inquires, genuinely curious.

He can see Hyukjae hesitate for a suspicious amount of time before he gives him an answer.

“Yeah, I did,” Hyukjae admits shyly. “It’s still new but I think it’s going well so far. My medication helps me not… let my thoughts get in the way.”

“That’s…” Jongwoon breathes out in surprise. “That’s actually good to hear. Is it someone I know ?”

There’s another suspicious pause there that just peeks Jongwoon’s curiosity even more. He assumes that he _ does _ know him as a result, which puts Hyukjae right against a wall. He doesn’t have a choice but to confirm Jongwoon’s deduction, but the man thinks it’s extremely strange that Hyukjae doesn’t want to tell him who it is. He’s not the type to get shy or very secretive about his relationships—if anything, he’s even more open about showing it off than Jongwoon is, and it’s saying a lot.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Hyukjae warns him, suddenly feeling like sinking in his chair.

“Like what ?”

“Like you’re trying to read into my soul or something,” Hyukjae mumbles. “I don’t know if it’s okay to tell anyone yet.”

“What do you mean ?” Jongwoon asks. He’s genuinely confused now. “You met at the dungeon, right ? Other people probably know.”

“Yeah, but you know how _ anal _ everyone there is about confidentiality,” Hyukjae reminds him.

“Fair point,” Jongwoon concedes. “Just know that right now I’m just thinking you’re secretly dating a celebrity.”

The shocked expression on Hyukjae’s face then tells him everything he needs to know, and Jongwoon shoots him a look in complete disbelief.

“You are _ not_,” he accuses in disbelief. “Guess you never dropped the sugar baby act, then ?”

“I have a _ job _ now, I’ll have you know, and I pay for my own stuff,” Hyukjae defends. “... most of my stuff,” he retracts after Jongwoon shoots him a dubious look. “But that’s not the point. I just don’t want to accidentally create a scandal so if I tell you, you _ have _ to promise to keep this to yourself.”

“Are you saying that even after all this time, you take me for someone who cares about gossip ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow. He’s a little offended by this.

“I’ll show you a picture of us just in case someone is eavesdropping,” Hyukjae announces as he takes his phone out to open up his photo app, acknowledging that Jongwoon _ is _ making a very strong point. He chooses a rather simple one where his partner is hugging him from behind, making sure it doesn’t just look like a picture he could’ve snapped at a fanmeet and that it felt personal enough for Jongwoon to believe him before passing his phone over.

Jongwoon chokes on thin air when he recognizes the man standing next to his ex, to the point where he has to hit himself in the chest to stop coughing, and he stares straight into Hyukjae’s eyes as if to scream “_what the fuck_” at him. He can’t fucking believe it.

His ex is dating Choi _ fucking _ Siwon, adding yet another connection from the man into his life; first, his best friend is casted in a movie alongside him, second, it turns out he’s a huge fan of his, and third, he’s dating his fucking _ ex_—it’s as if the universe really wanted to put the guy in his path for some obscure reason at this point.

“He’s the reason I thought of reaching out,” Hyukjae tells him, delicately taking his phone out of Jongwoon’s hand as the man is still staring at him in sheer disbelief. “When I heard Geng was working with him and then saw your _ entire _ book collection casually sitting on the shelf above his bed, I just thought it was a sign that I should probably try and contact you. It felt too weird seeing your pen name staring back at me while we fucked. I swear it drove me insane.”

While Jongwoon wishes Hyukjae would’ve kept that last part to himself because right now he’s just picturing the whole scene in his head and he’s sure it’s going to give him nightmares, part of him feels relieved to get confirmation that the reason behind Hyukjae’s reappearance isn’t motivated by revenge or a will to get back together with him. He now knows he means no harm to Ryeowook, and that alone was worth agreeing to this meeting. He would’ve constantly stressed over it _ for months _ otherwise, he’s sure of it.

He also surprises himself thinking it’s really nice to see Hyukjae like that, with his shit together and witness just how much progress he’s made in so little time. It doesn’t erase what he’s done, nor does it alleviate the pain from his wounds that are still bleeding, but at least now he gets an image of the guy that won’t haunt his thoughts, and he hopes this will be the only Hyukjae that will appear in his mind in the long run if he catches himself overthinking again, because he has no history with this version of him; it’ll make it so much easier for him to stop himself from going down that spiral of self-doubt and anxiety.

“Does he know I’m your ex ?”

“_God no_,” Hyukjae exclaims. “I don’t think I’ll ever tell him either. I have no idea how I can do that without ruining his love of books forever.”

“Yeah, I think I agree that it’s not the best idea,” Jongwoon acquiesces. “And I can’t really blame you. It took me until you showed up to tell Ryeowook about you and we’ve been together since January.”

“_January _ ?” Hyukjae repeats, and Jongwoon realizes then that he’s probably just fucked up really badly.

“He was supposed to be a one night thing,” Jongwoon defends. It seems like he’s still afraid of Hyukjae causing a scene despite the clear change in character he’s witnessing. “It was on a complete whim, but I ended up calling him back. He became a regular thing until we eventually turned into something more.”

“You really have a knack for making things sound romantic,” Hyukjae states, sparing no effort to hide his obvious sarcasm. “It’s good that you were able to go out and have fun so quickly, in a way. Once I started medication and could think more clearly, I immediately felt terrible thinking I might’ve, I don’t know… hurt you really badly. I know how you are. I was worried I made you feel like you were so worthless that you’d become too insecure to allow yourself to date again, because that’s probably how I would’ve felt in your place.”

“It’s really weird to see you show so much empathy,” Jongwoon thinks out loud, not wanting to admit that Hyukjae did make him feel like shit and still does today. He’s about the last person he wants to open up to—he’s practically a stranger to him now, after all.

“I think it’s the guilt talking,” Hyukjae clarifies. “Whether I like it or not, you’ll always be an important figure in my life, and you did so much for me that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pay you back for. It’s already something I feel bad about. I can’t even tell you how I feel toward all the shit I put you through.”

“You’re not the only one who’s at fault, you know,” Jongwoon cuts in. “We both know I wasn’t always the nicest with you either.”

“I was a fucking brat,” Hyukjae counters. “You had the right to get mad at me for it, even if I disagreed with that at the time. I still don’t deal very well with people being angry at me, but at least now I can understand why they are and accept it better.”

“Maybe I did, but I still think I was too harsh on you sometimes,” Jongwoon insists. “I honestly hated myself for it. Still do. I’ve lost count of how many times you ended up crying yourself to sleep because of me.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Hyukjae concedes. “I think we were both too emotionally unstable to work out as a couple. You had anger issues and I had… a whole list of them. We knew how to push each other’s buttons, but the difference between you and I is that _ I _ was doing it intentionally. You were just… explosive sometimes, but I still believe me ignoring your boundaries and guilt-tripping you is much worse than you telling me to _ fuck off _ when I’d bug you while you were working.”

“I’m trying to work on that,” Jongwoon states. “I live in constant fear that I’ll end up snapping at Ryeowook like that for whatever reason now.”

“Yeah, same,” Hyukjae adds. “I really… like _ him_,” he continues, not wanting to say Siwon’s name out loud. “And now my fear of annoying or hurting him like I did you is strong enough to keep me from acting like an emotionally dependent wreck.”

“We would’ve worked better as friends than as a couple,” Jongwoon chuckles ironically. He’s not sure if he’s joking or if he actually means those words, because as much of a fucking mess Hyukjae was—as much of a fucking mess they _ both _ were—his ex _ was _ actually a fun guy to be around when they’d go out together.

“Definitely,” Hyukjae agrees. “I’m not even sure we’d work out as a couple now even with how much we’ve changed since then. But I’m glad we’re at least able to get along well enough to have this talk.”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon nods without truly being aware of what he’s saying. “Me too.”

Jongwoon still has some resentment directed at Hyukjae lingering somewhere within him, he knows it, but it’s nowhere near as severe as it had been just yesterday. If anything, he finds this situation strangely comforting in a way—seeing how his ex has managed to heal and get so much better gives him hope that he can achieve that too in the long run, and he thinks this meeting will help speed up the process.

“I feel like we’re gonna get kicked out of here if we don’t order something,” Hyukjae suddenly calls out, breaking the awkward silence that settles between them as their conversation falls flat. “Coffee ?”

“Sounds good,” Jongwoon seconds, getting ready to get up, only to be discouraged by a sign of Hyukjae’s hand telling him to sit back down. “I’ll handle it. I know ₩4,500 is nothing compared to what you ended up spending on me, but it’s the least I could do to try and give back to you.”

“You really don’t have to—”

“Do you still get the same ?” Hyukjae cuts, completely ignoring Jongwoon’s protest, knowing arguing will only end up in the older man winning. “Black like your soul ?”

“I still can’t believe I ever made that joke,” Jongwoon laments, physically cringing at the memory.

“I still can’t believe I laughed at it,” Hyukjae claps back. “I’ll be right back.”

Jongwoon’s smell is strangely comforting for being the cause of his current anxiety, Ryeowook thinks as he settles on his boyfriend’s bed, though he might as well refer to it as _ theirs _ at this point. He soon finds himself hugging his pillow tightly, almost using it as some kind of giant stress ball, as he opens the lid of Jongwoon’s laptop to try and find a way to get his mind off things. He would’ve never imagined this whole thing to be so stressful and anxiety-inducing, yet here he was, freaking out over what he knew was nothing, and bitterly regretting his decision to insist on letting Jongwoon go. He just felt terrible to see the man so distraught and torn, and he _ does _ believe him when he says he’s doing it to make sure Hyukjae means no harm, but he feels extremely uneasy about this whole situation and it’s not something he thinks he can help.

The first thing Ryeowook sees after entering Jongwoon’s password is his Word document for his current story, _ Through the Looking Glass_, which he’s apparently left open after rage-quitting the other day. The boy is very aware that his boyfriend doesn’t really like people peeking at his drafts unless he says so, but curiosity gets the better of him when he accidentally reads the title of the chapter—_Illusions_. Normally, he wouldn’t have necessarily thought anything of it, but given his current state of mind, where he’s making up a thousand scenarios that he knows make no sense, he feels drawn to it and curiosity gets the better of him. It’s not like Jongwoon will know anyway, right ?

_ “The more you live, the more you realize that reality is just made of pain, suffering, and emptiness,” Heejae explains—Hyejung’s stubbornness is starting to get on his nerves, but his voice is filled with nothing but grief and regret towards a wasted life cursed by fate’s cruel sense of humor. “In this world, wherever there is light, there are also shadows. As long as the concept of winners exists, there will always be losers. The selfish desire of wanting to maintain peace causes wars, and hatred is born in order to protect love. It’s a truth that just can’t be avoided. But, in a dream, you can do anything. You can even make people come back to life.” _

_ “You don’t seem to realize that this makes no sense,” Hyejung argues, her anger much more palpable than Heejae’s. “A dream can’t replace our real experiences, nor can it for our emotions. All of it, just like a dream, is temporary. Life isn’t worth living if everything around us is nothing but an illusion.” _

_ “This world is filled with illusions,” Heejae defies, his voice bouncing off of the cold brick walls trapping them in. “All those promises of love, of a peaceful life with people you care about, of staying oblivious to the pain caused by the loss of everything you once held dear… do you think all of this is real ? It’s nothing but delusion stemming from hope, which is an illusion by itself. Reality is nothing but cruelty. I spent nine hundred years watching people die trying to salvage it. It’s not worth it. It never was.” _

Ryeowook blinks at the screen. He knew of Jongwoon’s intentions regarding his story and the type of character Heejae was, but the last paragraph really hit close to home for some reason he can’t really explain. From the small excerpts he’s been able to read, Ryeowook had come to associate Heejae with Jongwoon; they were similar in a lot of ways, so reading something so pessimistic coming from his mouth hurts a little. He doesn’t have any proof that this is Jongwoon projecting, and he really doesn’t want to assume things, but the fact that the man was able to think of life this way—and of love especially—in the first place should at least be somewhat telling of something more.

Jongwoon’s never told him he loved him back after all, despite how many times Ryeowook has. He knew the man preferred to _ show_, and he can tell he holds some kind of affection for him, but Jongwoon was extremely hard to read so Ryeowook had no way to gauge the extent of his boyfriend’s feelings for him. He makes him feel loved and cared for, but seeing this, he starts to wonder if it _ isn’t _ just an illusion stemming from his hope that his feelings are mutual like Heejae stated.

He knows deep down that it’s not rational. But he can’t convince his frantic mind that it is.

He’s just so insecure about everything, and it seems to have gotten worse lately. He doesn’t really know what triggered all of it either, since it dates from before Hyukjae even became a thing. Maybe the fact that he’s under the impression that he’s so far behind Jongwoon in every step of his life is in for something, but he can’t be sure a hundred percent because their age gap never really bothered him—his boyfriend is just a big kid at heart and their minds seem to be connected in a way he can’t describe, so he really, _ really _ has no idea what’s gotten into him, especially as of late.

He needs Jongwoon to be there with him, to reassure him that all of this is just in his head, that it’s just a misunderstanding, to hold him in his arms and make him forget about everything, yet at the same time, he feels the need to talk about it to someone who can be objective in all of this, which Jongwoon absolutely isn’t. He figures he doesn’t really have anything to lose if he tries to call Kyuhyun right now, whom he assumes is probably just slouched on their couch playing games and doing nothing important.

Turns out he may have been wrong on that one, because his friend doesn’t pick up, which is definitely out of character for him. He’s the type to ignore calls from Sungmin when he knows he’s just going to nag him, but Kyuhyun never ghosted Ryeowook before unless he _ really _ couldn’t take two seconds to answer to at least tell him to call back. This is definitely very strange.

Ryeowook considers giving up on this idea in favor of aimlessly wandering on social media hoping it’ll clear his unwanted thoughts, but he gets really antsy the minute he puts his phone down beside Jongwoon’s laptop—he _ really _ needs to talk about it to someone, but his only other option right now is Sungmin, and he’s not sure it’s a good idea. They’re on good terms now and his friend’s been making a lot of efforts to make up for what he did, but it’s for that very reason that Ryeowook worries opening up about this whole thing might jeopardize that and take it back to the way things were before.

_ ‘Any idea why Kyuhyun isn’t answering his phone ?’ _ Ryeowook ends up texting Sungmin when his hands decide to act on their own.

_ ‘Probably for the same reason he didn’t come home last night after he “hung out with a friend” for the day’_, Sungmin replies about a minute later. _ ‘What’s up ?’ _

_ ‘I just needed to talk to him about something’_, Ryeowook explains, _ ‘but I wouldn’t want to get in the way of him finally getting laid.’ _

_ ‘I’m still mad that he refuses to tell us who this mystery person is’_, Sungmin continues. _ ‘You’d think he would want the incel jokes to stop and just scream it at the top of his lungs.’ _

_ ‘He really didn’t look like the type to keep this kind of thing private’_, Ryeowook agrees.

_ ‘Yeah, it sounds more like something you would do. But I guess love works in mysterious ways.’ _

_ ‘Yeah…’ _ Ryeowook answers after an awkwardly long pause. Sungmin’s message hit him harder than he thought. _ ‘Actually… do you mind if I FaceTime you ?’ _ he then changes the subject. He does acknowledge the fact that it may be a mistake, and he’s already preparing his lines to try and downplay his issue as much as he can so that Sungmin doesn’t start freaking out about it.

_ ‘Yeah, of course’_, Sungmin confirms, and Ryeowook can almost hear the worried confusion behind his words.

Ryeowook chooses to use Jongwoon’s laptop to call his friend—he might as well, since it means he won’t have to hold anything up for Sungmin to properly see him. He doesn’t care that he’s still in his ‘pyjamas’, if he can even call it that at this point. Sungmin can’t see the lower part of his body anyway, so he’s not worried about his reaction upon seeing the stockings and matching panties he’s put on after his shower, intending for Jongwoon to come back home to him with a nice surprise.

“Is everything okay ?” Sungmin asks immediately, though he sounds a little more hesitant than he usually would.

“It’s, hum… complicated,” Ryeowook scrambles. “Jongwoon left to meet someone and I just… I don’t know. I felt lonely.”

“If I had a car, I’d come hang out with you,” Sungmin sighs upsettingly. He doesn’t like the way Ryeowook’s voice wavers a little and this dark cloud looming behind his eyes that he can see even through the screen. “Is he supposed to be out for long ?”

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs. “He didn’t say, but I don’t think he knew the answer to that either in the first place. I just hate that I’m… I don’t know, the fact that I’m upset over him leaving makes me feel like I’m emotionally dependent on him and I don’t like that.”

“Isn’t it normal given the type of relationship you two have ?” Sungmin questions, taking Ryeowook by surprise—for someone who even just a few days ago knew next to nothing about it, he sure now sounds like he’s not so clueless anymore.

“What do you mean ?”

“I’ve, huh… done some research on it after I heard you and Kyuhyun talk about it,” Sungmin admits sheepishly. “I wanted to try and understand you better. And hopefully find answers about Jongwoon’s… weird behaviour that rubbed me the wrong way at first.”

“I hope you cleared up your search history,” Ryeowook jokes, still too in shock at Sungmin’s confession to fully express how touched he is by his efforts that go beyond what the boy could’ve ever imagined.

“First thing I did whenever I’d have to stop and do something else,” Sungmin chuckles. “But, yeah, I kind of tried to piece things together with what I saw and what I heard you and Kyuhyun say. You can correct me if I’m wrong but you guys are into that total power exchange thing, aren’t you ?”

“Huh… I don’t… know ?” Ryeowook hesitates. He’s not familiar with terminology that much besides the basic stuff. “Besides the rules, I don’t know much about what things are called.”

“They said it’s when one person gives away control to the other permanently,” Sungmin clarifies. “Like, even outside of sex and stuff. And I thought it might explain why Jongwoon often makes decisions for you and you don’t seem to have a problem with that.”

“_Oh_,” Ryeowook lets out.

It makes a lot of sense, actually. And it’s something he’s even brought up himself with Jongwoon, though his boyfriend seemingly has been partaking in some of that since pretty much the beginning, he’s now realizing in hindsight. It’s been much more noticeable recently however, and Ryeowook recalls how he could spend entire _ days _ in subspace without breaking out once—yesterday being a good example of that.

“Yeah, I think so,” he then confirms.

“If that’s the case, then it might explain why you’re so distraught when he’s not around,” Sungmin continues. “Since you’re used to relying on him so much for a lot of things.”

It definitely feels strange to get a crash course on this lifestyle by Sungmin of all people, but it’s something Ryeowook highly appreciates. He thinks he understands now why he gets so insecure whenever Jongwoon is gone but seemingly forgets all about it when he’s there with him, and he believes he’s right to assume that his reliance on his boyfriend for emotional comfort shouldn’t bother the man like he thought it did, since Jongwoon probably understands that it’s something that comes with this type of play.

It helps very little in regards to the Hyukjae situation, however, but at least he feels much less like a burden than he did before.

“I’m gonna start believing that you know more about it than I do now,” Ryeowook teases. “I was too scared to do research on my own because of how many misconceptions there are out there. I accidentally stumbled on this post someone made on Facebook about how gross and creepy in nature it all is and it worked to turn me away from the Internet for it.”

“Yeah, I definitely saw some of those,” Sungmin chuckles. “But I ended up finding some blogs owned by actual people who are into these things. There’s a lot of stuff that sort of scared and other things that worried me, but if you’re comfortable being in this type of relationship and you’re not being forced to do anything against your will… I think I can accept that.”

“Scared and worried you ?” Ryeowook repeats. “Like what ?”

“I know there’s a rule that goes something like ‘if it exists, there’s a kink for it’, but I think I’ll have nightmares for a long time knowing some people like having metal rods inserted into their urethra,” Sungmin confesses, visibly overcome with chills of horror.

Ryeowook almost goes to make a comment about how he believes Jongwoon could find a way to make him think it’s hot, but he stops himself at the last minute when it hits him that this might as well be more of a factual statement than a joke like he intended it to be. Not that this sort of thing particularly calls out to him right now, but he’s convinced at this point that Jongwoon has the power to make _ almost _ everything—poop will forever be out of question, he knows that for sure—look and sound endearing to him, no matter how scary it seems at first glance.

“Where I got worried I guess is the comments about people’s experiences with it,” Sungmin adds, lowering his voice as he speaks, as though he didn’t fully want Ryeowook to hear what he was saying. “It wasn’t horror stories about how they ended up in the hospital,” he quickly catches himself, “but more about how they liked being in a relationship where no strings were attached. I saw a lot say it helped them relieve some stress from normal life without having the pressure to always satisfy their partner, because they could always find another one if they couldn’t do that anymore.”

Sungmin’s words struck Ryeowook like an arrow shot straight to his heart—his friend had just brought up his biggest insecurity in the worst way possible, and though he knows it’s completely involuntary, it hurt like a bitch. His biggest fear is that Jongwoon will eventually grow bored of him, and though the man has told him countless times that it’s not something he needs to worry about, neither of them truly knows what the future holds, so it’s not something he can truly shake off completely.

And now that he’s with Hyukjae, he’s even more terrified that it might bring up some memories that are going to make him miss his old life and realize that what they have isn’t really what he wants, and all of this is only fulled even more now that he knows Jongwoon has a hard time processing and understanding his own feelings. He’s told him so back when they were in Taiwan, about how he’s starting to question everything he’s known up until they met, and while he took it as a good thing back then, he’s not so sure about that anymore.

He then remembers the day Jongwoon officially asked him out, and more specifically the unusual wording he employed—how he asked him if he wanted to be _ exclusive _ rather than to be his boyfriend, as though he’d just been proposing the idea of only having sex with each other and not with other people, and the weirdly long pause that followed Ryeowook wanting to know if he meant for them to be boyfriends by that.

The fact that Jongwoon’s never told him he loved him despite how many times _ Ryeowook has _ also piles up on top of all of that. He knows the man isn’t the best at voicing out his feelings and that this specific sentence, though simple in appearance, carries so much emotional weight that a lot of people have trouble with it, but the fact that he never reciprocated it even once is starting to take a toll on him.

He realizes now how much of a mistake it was to keep so many questions to himself all this time, because now the only answers he gets come from his anxiety and feelings of inadequacy that he knows aren’t rational but can’t make shut the fuck up. And it’s probably too late to bring them up to Jongwoon now. All he can do is wait for him to come back and try to work with what happens next and what he’ll tell him about the meeting.

“Ryeowook ?” Sungmin calls out, worried by his friend’s complete lack of response and the way he’s staring off into the void as if he were stuck in a trance.

“Huh ?” Ryeowook blinks. “Oh, sorry. I was, hum, reflecting on what you just said. And I don’t think what Jongwoon and I have is like that.” He’s saying this a lot more to console himself than to reassure Sungmin, but his friend doesn’t seem to notice. “Jongwoon is too much of a clingy, affectionate manchild for it to be a ‘no strings attached’ thing. I even told him I loved him a few times and we’re still together, so… it’s not like that.”

He’s not going to let Sungmin know about the one time Jongwoon practically begged him not to say it. He’s been trying to forget about it since it happened, especially since he was eventually able to say it later that same night.

“He hasn’t said it back ?” Sungmin guesses—the way Ryeowook speaks makes it sound like it’s always been a one sided thing, and he can tell his friend is upset about something.

“He—”

Ryeowook is distracted from his sentence when he feels his phone vibrate next to him. If it weren’t for the name displayed on his screen when he looks down at it, he would’ve been convinced the timing was proof that the universe was looking out for him after all, because he really didn’t want to answer Sungmin’s question. Unfortunately for him, the caller isn’t someone he wanted added to the mess his life already was at the moment.

Sungmin notices the way Ryeowook is frowning at something off screen, and he gets curious. “What’s up ?”

“My mom is calling me,” Ryeowook simply replies in a tone that suggests he’s very confused about it rather than upset.

“Are you… gonna answer it ?” Sungmin hesitates. He’s very aware of Ryeowook’s rocky relationship with his mother, and he knows she can be a touchy subject for his friend at times.

“No, I don’t think so,” Ryeowook mumbles after a bit, watching as his phone switches back to his lockscreen and the notification that he has one missed call pops up. “She can just… leave a message and I’ll decide later if I want to call her back.”

“Are you gonna be okay ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods. He’s visibly upset, though. “I should be.”

“Does Jongwoon know about your parents ?” Sungmin inquires, hoping his friend’s boyfriend would be able to do something to comfort Ryeowook because he can’t do it from where he is now.

“No,” Ryeowook confesses. “I never told him about my family or my relationship with them. I didn’t think it was necessary, since I haven’t been in contact with them for over a year now.”

He hears Sungmin reply with something, but his attention is taken away by the sound of a door clicking, and he’s unable to make up any of what his friend is saying.

“Jongwoon’s home,” Ryeowook announces, ready to end the call. “Thanks for keeping me company all this time. I appreciate it.”

“S-sure..?” Sungmin stammers, a bit disoriented by how suddenly in a hurry Ryeowook looks to end their call.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Ryeowook tells him then before ending the call and shutting off the lid of Jongwoon’s laptop.

His heart is racing a mile a second when he jumps off the bed, his mind getting jumbled up with the billion questions he wants to ask about his meeting with Hyukjae; but he’s mostly terrified of what state he’ll find his boyfriend in once he opens the bedroom door to join him. He really doesn’t want to come face-to-face with a devastated, traumatized Jongwoon, but he also fears he might meet up with confusion and doubt about their relationship.

Jongwoon’s expression is unreadable when he finally gathers the courage to come join him, and Ryeowook doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

“Hey,” Jongwoon smiles at him—he almost looks shy, or like a kid who’s hiding something from their parents and pretending they weren’t the one who drew all over the walls.

The man takes a step forward, closing the gap between them, and he pulls Ryeowook in by the waist so the boy can lay flat on his chest, kissing him on the forehead as a _ ‘hello’_.

“I feel like I’ve left you alone for too long,” Jongwoon sighs in relief as he buries his nose into the crook of his neck.

Meeting up with Hyukjae, though it went much better than he could’ve ever expected, had drained him almost completely. It didn’t help that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Ryeowook back home waiting for him, which progressively made him grow more and more restless the more time he spent away from him—but he wanted to take his time with Hyukjae to find the answers he’s been seeking all this time, so he had to bear it, as exhausting as it ended up being for him.

“How did it go ?” Ryeowook questions him in a small voice. He still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know the answer to that or not.

“Better than I expected,” Jongwoon mumbles against his skin. “We left each other on… relatively good terms, for the most part. I still have issues with him, but… forgiving him isn’t something that sounds so impossible anymore.”

His hold on Ryeowook tightens then, seeking both his proximity and comfort. The boy doesn’t know if he should be worried about it, because seeing Jongwoon being this clingy after he spends time away from him isn’t something he’s never seen before—it’s quite normal for him, actually.

“Do you… plan on seeing him again ?” Ryeowook hesitates. He really doesn’t want to come off as a jealous boyfriend, but he couldn’t help wonder if _ ‘leaving on good terms’ _ had something else hiding behind it.

“I don’t know,” Jongwoon replies after a moment. “Not for now.”

“But it’s a possibility ?”

“I don’t know either,” Jongwoon repeats. He and Hyukjae hadn’t discussed seeing each other again, but given how fate had seemingly decided to put them on each other’s paths once more, whether they’ll meet up a second time or not isn’t something Jongwoon can guarantee, and he feels like pretending to know the answer would be lying to Ryeowook.

“Oh… I see…”

Ryeowook’s answer ticks him the wrong way, causing him to take a step back from him so he can take a closer look at the boy’s expression. He looks very upset, and Jongwoon is torn between the pain he feels thinking Ryeowook might entertain the idea that there’s even the slightest chance that Hyukjae might pose a threat to him and the pain caused by seeing his baby like this. But, as things always go with him, he places Ryeowook’s needs above his own, and he decides to swallow back his own feelings to focus on his boyfriend’s.

“I have a gift for you,” Jongwoon reveals, working against the lump in his throat threatening to make his voice crack, with success, to his own relief. Reaching into his pocket, he then continues. “And before you scold me for buying you something without telling you first, please hear me out.”

“... what is it ?” Ryeowook inquires, more curious about what Jongwoon is up to than exasperated by the man’s insistence on spoiling him.

“Come here,” Jongwoon beckons him closer, grabbing him by the waist to position the boy right in front of the mirror in the entryway right above the shoe rack, him standing right behind him. “Are you familiar with the language of flowers ?”

Ryeowook frowns, utterly puzzled. He doesn’t know what the most confusing thing is between Jongwoon apparently being into this kind of stuff or the fact that he’s talking about flowers without the presence of any.

“I know they have a language,” Ryeowook answers, “but that’s about it.”

“I had to do extensive research on it when I was working on _ The Golden Ratio_,” Jongwoon explains, looking down at something in his hands that Ryeowook can’t see. “Meeting up with Hyukjae made me think of a specific one, and I just… felt compelled into gifting it to you.”

Delicate as ever, Jongwoon loops his arms around Ryeowook’s neck, allowing the boy to see what he’s holding—it’s a necklace, which he assumes to be either made of silver or white gold, with a small pendant where a lotus flower was carefully engraved into the metal. This piece of jewelry is very simple, but so pretty that it leaves Ryeowook in awe in front of it and unable to speak as Jongwoon attaches it around his neck.

“Lotus flowers typically don’t live longer than a day,” Jongwoon keeps on going, gliding his thumbs up and down the sides of Ryeowook’s nape once the necklace lays carefully secure around his neck. “But they bloom again every morning as the sun rises, and it’s like nothing ever happened. And they’re so pretty that we forget that they can only grow in the murkiest, thickest mud from the bottom of a pond.”

Jongwoon steps even closer to Ryeowook then, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him so tightly against him that the boy might as well merge in with him, not that he’s complaining. The sultry tone of Jongwoon’s voice as he speaks, his warm touch and his words suffice to put him at peace for now, at least enough for Ryeowook to allow himself to relax into the man’s arms.

“Do you want to know what they mean ?”

Ryeowook nods. “Please.”

“They’re a symbol of rebirth, enlightenment, and self-healing,” Jongwoon replies, leaving a kiss up Ryeowook’s neck and jaw with each word. “That’s why they made me think of you. These are all things you mean to me. So… please don’t doubt me. Or yourself. You’ll always be _ my _ perfect little boy, and I have no intention of letting you go unless you tell me you want to leave.”

Fuck. Ryeowook feels guilty now, despite his body heating up and giving out a very different message, as though it had developed a mind of its own—a mind owned and controlled entirely by Jongwoon, on top of that. He knew all along he was just being stupid, yet he still allowed doubt to poison his mind, and he feels like slapping himself for it. Though he still wishes Jongwoon would actually tell him he loves him, because he needs that type of reassurance, he doesn’t think he deserves it at the moment.

He doesn’t believe he deserves _ any _ of what Jongwoon is giving and doing to him right now, yet at the same time really needs it; despite everything, Jongwoon is still his comfort, even if the man himself is the reason he needs comfort in the first place.

Assuming Ryeowook’s insecurities currently prevent him from being in the right mood for that, Jongwoon eventually stops teasing him like that. He doesn’t want to push play where it’s totally inappropriate to do so, and he believes this is one of those moments, as eager as he is to give his baby his true reward for taking his latest punishment like a champion. He also wishes he could take his mind off of his own negative feelings looming over his head like a dark cloud on the verge of pouring rain, but he guesses writing will have to do for now.

“It suits you,” he whispers into his ear then, before leaving one last quick kiss on his pulse.

“It’s— I love it,” Ryeowook stutters. He doesn’t know what to say. _ ‘Thank you’ _ sounds too simple and not powerful enough to express his gratitude and what he feels in the moment, so all he ends up doing is to turn around to hug his boyfriend properly.

Hugging is an understatement, though, because Jongwoon feels like Ryeowook is squeezing the life out of him, but it amuses him more than anything else. He’s happy to return it, too, and his heart warms up when the boy buries his face into his chest as though he wanted to merge with it. That is, until he feels a small wet patch forming on his shirt; now he’s concerned.

“Hey,” Jongwoon softly calls out. He tries to pull back so he can look at Ryeowook, but the boy only tightens his grip—he doesn’t want Jongwoon to see him cry. “Sweetheart, why are you crying ?”

“I don’t—” Ryeowook wants to say he doesn’t know, and to an extent he doesn’t because he can’t tell if it’s more out of joy than guilt, but he can’t stop himself from telling Jongwoon the truth then; he’s tired of always holding back his feelings by fear. “You’re always so nice to me and I don’t deserve it.”

“What are you on about ?” Jongwoon blinks in shock. He knows Ryeowook feels insecure sometimes, but this just doesn’t make any sense to him. “Of course you deserve it. Please stop thinking you don’t. I really don’t like seeing you doubt yourself like that when you mean everything to me.”

Taking advantage of Ryeowook’s temporary moment of weakness, Jongwoon manages to pull back just enough to be able to cup his face into his hands. His heart breaks when he sees the boy’s eyes, teary, puffy and red from crying, and his first reflex is to wipe them away with utmost care before he crashes his lips onto his. He’s really bad at comforting people with words, especially when it comes to someone he truly cares about—he can’t remain objective at all and he fears it’ll only make _ him _ emotional too, so it’s the best thing he can come up with to try and get Ryeowook’s mind off of things.

Ryeowook immediately clings onto him, getting drunk off of Jongwoon’s tongue as the kiss deepens and grows more heated and urgent. Jongwoon tries to lead them to a different place so they can be more comfortable, but all he manages to do in his sudden hurry is to pin Ryeowook to the wall next to the door, unable to break apart enough to focus on where he’s going.

As if it were a reflex, Ryeowook grabs Jongwoon by his belt to bring him even closer to him. He thinks that he really needs this; he needs this kind of affection to reassure him, but also so he can try and forget everything he discussed with Sungmin earlier before it completely takes his mind over and he goes down that path of doubt even further, and judging by the bulge he feels forming in his boyfriend’s pants, Jongwoon would be more than happy to give it to him.

“Do you want your reward now ?” Jongwoon grunts, voice rendered almost inaudible because he refuses to stop kissing him. He wasn’t planning on this to escalate so far but Ryeowook seems to be demanding it now, so he might as well ask.

Ryeowook lets out a pleading whine as a reply—he doesn’t really care for a reward at this point. He just wants Jongwoon.

“Has my little boy been good today ?” Jongwoon then murmurs as he finally manages to pull away barely enough to be able to speak freely, voice raspy with lust.

Jongwoon’s left hand slides up Ryeowook’s chest to wrap around his neck, cutting off the boy’s airflow and making it harder for him to breathe, though he makes sure he’s still able to talk and reply to him. The man then leans forward, completely trapping him flush against the wall with his body, and he forces his knee between Ryeowook’s legs to keep them apart.

The younger man can do nothing but hang on to Jongwoon’s shirt for support, feeling his lower limbs grow numb and limp under him. His boyfriend’s grip on his neck is no longer the only thing suffocating him; the domineering energy and attitude he exudes fills up his lungs and its crushing weight is becoming hard to resist against. His heart is racing and his insides churn with arousal and desire—fuck this man and his effect on him. Ryeowook gets frustrated at times by just how easy it is for Jongwoon to subdue him and turn him into a complete mess, but this feeling of helplessness and vulnerability he earns from all of this is too addicting for him to want to put a stop to it.

“I asked you a question,” Jongwoon repeats, stern and demanding yet calm and caring at the same time.

Ryeowook almost wants to say he wasn’t, because he’s spent the entire time being paranoid and doubting Jongwoon, which he knows goes against the value the man holds the dearest—trust. He doesn’t know if Jongwoon is aware of the extent of his thoughts about the whole Hyukjae situation, but he believes his boyfriend is at least aware that deep down, the boy was really upset about it. He already knows about his insecurities, anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise him.

But in terms of doing what Jongwoon asked him to do, then yes, he’s been good; he hasn’t touched or made himself cum, and he thinks bringing up what he ended up doing instead might completely ruin the moment, so he nods, letting Jongwoon know he’s obeyed his orders. Part of him wants to bring it up in hopes of getting punished further, because deep down this is what he believes he deserves, but he’s too afraid that it’ll lead to something else entirely and his cock is aching so badly that he’d rather keep this conversation for another time.

“Good,” Jongwoon praises. “See, I know you can be a good boy when you want to.”

The man lifts his knee up to feel around Ryeowook’s bulge, playing with his balls by rolling them around in circles, sometimes causing them to get squeezed between his leg and the boy’s perineum and making him whimper. He’s been reflecting over this since this morning where he found out his baby had a thing for having his cock toyed with like this; and given this is of course something Jongwoon’s sadistic side is really into, he figured taking advantage of this newfound discovery for Ryeowook’s reward would be absolutely perfect for the both of them.

“I wonder how easy it’ll be to make you cum,” Jongwoon thinks out loud, letting go of Ryeowook’s throat in favor of cupping his little cock through the fabric of his underwear. “As much as I enjoy playing with you, you’re always the prettiest when I make you come undone. So _ don’t hold back_.”

With how much Jongwoon’s denied him or delayed his orgasms up until now, Ryeowook is able to last longer than he used to by now. The times where he used to have to make himself cum because his flings couldn’t satisfy him sound like the stuff of myth and urban legend today, and he remembers how on their first night together, Jongwoon managed to make him cum a ridiculous amount of times with only words and heated touches—however, being able to last longer by those standards means very little, so both men are confident that he can manage to make him cum in under a minute if Jongwoon wanted to.

Ryeowook is already shaking when Jongwoon drops down on one knee in front of him. He has no idea what the man is planning, since he remembers his boyfriend isn’t much of a giver when it comes to oral sex, and he doesn’t know if this counts as a _ ‘special occasion’ _ in Jongwoon’s terms. The boy almost goes to grab at the older man’s hair to hold on to something—and subconsciously encourage him to _ do anything_—but he catches himself at the last second. He knows Jongwoon won’t allow that, and he thinks he’s already fucked up enough for today to make such a mistake now.

Jongwoon’s right arm snakes around his upper thigh, hand resting and lightly pushing up against the curve of Ryeowook’s ass, before the man leans forward to press his cheek against the skin right above his stocking to stare right at his crotch, which he’s still fondling gently with his other hand. He’s looking at it with such awe that one would think he’s admiring one of the most beautiful masterpieces a human could create, though if they were to ask Jongwoon, he’d reply that _ this _ is the most beautiful piece of art he’s ever laid his eyes upon. He’s so enamoured with Ryeowook and everything he is that it sometimes doesn’t even feel real.

Jongwoon spends a little more time delicately stroking Ryeowook’s cock through the soft fabric of his panties, smiling to himself and nuzzling his thigh, making the boy’s head spin—it’s in moments like these, where he treats him like he’s the most fragile porcelain doll in the world, that he’s able to forget about his insecurities of not being good enough for him. It’s still hard to process just how _ caring _ his boyfriend can be.

“So fucking pretty…” Jongwoon breathes out without realizing he’s speaking out loud as he gingerly tugs down on the hem to let Ryeowook’s little cock spring free. He then turns around to leave a kiss on the boy’s thigh before pulling away so he can look at him up front.

Jongwoon starts playing with the tip of Ryeowook’s cock, already so sensitive from all the torture he went through since Tuesday evening, cupping it in his fingers and at times letting it slip through his index and middle ones, spreading precum all over it. Ryeowook is already struggling to stand up, trying to keep himself from falling by hanging on to the wall behind him and biting on his other hand to avoid slipping so far into subspace that his limbs end up completely giving up on him. He’s trembling so much, the coil in his stomach surfacing, and fuck he’s so close already that it’s almost embarrassing.

Jongwoon looks up at his face to check up on him as he begins to stroke his shaft, grip strong and tight but movements slow and lazy, and he keeps on paying much more attention to the tip whenever he comes back around to it. It’s driving Ryeowook fucking insane—he wants to cum yet at the same time he doesn’t, because it would mean that this is over and he doesn’t want it to stop. Not now.

“You’re already so worked up from a simple handjob,” Jongwoon mocks him. “I wonder how you’ll react if I…” The man marks a short pause there as he strokes down Ryeowook’s shaft one last time. He stops at the base to slip it between his middle and ring fingers, and he flattens his palm under his balls, giving his hand one last look before staring back up at the boy who’s looking at him with a curious yet worried expression. “... _ do this_.”

This is Ryeowook’s only warning before Jongwoon pushes his hand into his crotch, nearly crushing his balls against it, and the boy isn’t able to realize what’s happening when his boyfriend’s other hand reaches down for his cock in its turn so that Jongwoon can press his thumb against his slit. He’s cumming, his orgasm completely ripped away from him and leaving him gasping for air, and he’s forced to let himself slide down the wall to sit on the floor because his legs can no longer support his own weight.

Jongwoon watches with devious eyes as Ryeowook’s cum flows down from all sides of his thumb. There’s so fucking much of it that it coats the side of his hand and drips down on his other, still squeezing the boy’s balls, and it’s fucking _ beautiful_.

It’s even more breathtaking to him when he finally lets go and another string of cum shoots out a little higher as Ryeowook’s little cock twitches one last time, the boy looking spent and exhausted but blissful and satisfied. He doesn’t seem to fully register what’s happening when Jongwoon leans down further, too fucked out and busy trying to even his breathing to pay attention to much else, only whimpering when the man takes his cock in his hand again, smearing his cum around all over it.

Ryeowook’s eyes shoot open when he feels something wet and soft trail up the underside of his shaft, and the first thing he sees is Jongwoon lapping at the cum on his cock to lick it clean. The man hums at the taste and gives him a kiss on the tip every time he comes back up—he’s very aware by now that Jongwoon has a huge thing for cum play, but it seems like he won’t ever get used to how hot it is to him.

Jongwoon never actually takes him in his mouth, though, but he’s still left hypersensitive and overstimulated when his boyfriend pulls away. Maybe the fact that he keeps his hand on his crotch to gently rub his balls as he leans down to kiss him is in it for something, but the gesture is so unexpectedly and strangely loving and affectionate that Ryeowook can’t really complain.

Even though they did shower earlier this morning, their little escapade ends in the tub, where Ryeowook actually ends up falling asleep on Jongwoon’s chest under his burning and caring touch.

Ryeowook is still drowsy by the time they actually get in bed, which they do relatively early that night. Jongwoon needed to work on his book, but he didn’t want to leave Ryeowook by himself to go to sleep, so he settled next to him with his laptop to continue working while the boy clings to him, arms tightly wrapped around his waist and using his upper thigh as a pillow.

It’s definitely making this harder for Jongwoon to write since he has to balance his laptop on his knees instead, and he’s definitely not helping himself by only using one hand because his other is to busy petting Ryeowook’s hair, but he honestly can’t find it in him to give a shit about it. He’d rather be doing this than to lock himself up alone in his office.

And given he knows Ryeowook felt upset about something earlier, which he assumes has something to do with Hyukjae, he’d rather be with him now to reassure him and let him know he’s always there for him, no matter what it entails.

Despite everything that happened today, everything feels so serene in that moment. Jongwoon is focused more on Ryeowook’s even and deep breathing and the way his muscles go lax under his touch than on what he’s supposed to be doing, and if it weren’t from the increasing pressure caused by his deadline approaching weighing on him, he’d happily join him to cuddle properly.

“Jongwoon..?” Ryeowook mumbles sleepily seemingly out of nowhere, and as cute as he sounds right now, Jongwoon can’t help but dread the question he’s going to throw at him. “Can I… get your insight on something ?”

“Of course,” Jongwoon replies, confused as to where this is going.

“My mom called me earlier today,” Ryeowook tells him, and this only serves to feed Jongwoon’s puzzlement.

“Your mom ?” Jongwoon inquires. Ryeowook never told him anything about his family, so he has no idea what’s coming or why her call seems to be such a big deal to him.

“I have… a complicated relationship with her,” Ryeowook clarifies, still talking in that drowsy, slow voice. “And it’s a long story I don’t think I can tell right now without getting emotional over it. But I haven’t talked to her in over a year now, and I’m wondering if I should call back.”

“I can’t really tell you since I don’t have all the details,” Jongwoon ponders, “but I understand that you don’t want to talk about it and I won’t force you to. So the only thing I can tell you for now is to follow what your gut is telling you. If you feel like it’s gonna do more harm than good, then don’t. Do you have an idea of what she might’ve wanted to talk about ?”

“Not really,” Ryeowook admits. “But she left a voicemail.”

“Start by listening to it ?” Jongwoon suggests. “It might help you decide if it’s important enough to call back.”

“I’m… scared,” Ryeowook confesses.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Jongwoon reassures him before shutting down his laptop to set it aside, turning all of his attention toward the boy. “You can just delete it if you want to. But if you do choose to listen to it… would you like me to stay with you ?”

Ryeowook takes a moment to think about it before nodding. Jongwoon’s presence would definitely help keep him at ease, so he thinks that he might as well do it now before he either forgets or procrastinates on it until it’s too late to do anything.

Confused, Jongwoon watches as Ryeowook forces himself to sit up on numb arms to grab his phone on the table by his bedside. “You wanna do it now ?”

“Just so I can stop thinking about it,” Ryeowook validates.

While Ryeowook turns his phone on to listen to his voicemails, Jongwoon reflects over the situation—maybe he’s interpreted the boy’s earlier behaviour completely wrong. Maybe he wasn’t upset about his meeting with Hyukjae, but rather because of his mother calling him out of nowhere, and he feels a bit guilty for assuming in case it’s the truth. To be fair to him, he had no idea about the call up until then, so it’s not like he could’ve guessed, but he feels like he probably should’ve asked him more about it than he ended up doing.

Jongwoon is almost scrutinizing in his observation of Ryeowook’s expression as the message plays. He can’t hear what’s actually being said, but he catches the way his boyfriend goes from anxious to confused and then to _ petrified _ in very little time; it’s the last one he’s really worried about, but for now he’s completely helpless to do anything besides rubbing the boy’s back in a soothing pattern.

Ryeowook drops his phone before the message stops playing.

“Baby ?” Jongwoon calls out. “Baby, what’s wrong ?”

“I—” Ryeowook stammers. “I don’t understand…”

“Are you okay ?” Jongwoon presses, forcing Ryeowook to look at him by turning his upper body around by the shoulders. “You’re worrying me.”

“She said—” Ryeowook keeps blabbering. He looks so confused and horrified and visibly distraught enough to have trouble processing the information he’s just heard. “My grandma just died.”

The way he says it almost sounds robotic—he’s obviously in shock and probably still in denial. This type of news is definitely hard to take in, and Jongwoon knows that very well. He’s the first one to feel upset about the situation. He feels so sorry for Ryeowook, and he’s already anticipating the boy’s pain when it’ll finally settle and he’ll fully be able to comprehend what’s happening. Jongwoon immediately pulls him into a warm embrace, keeping him as close to him as possible, and he starts rubbing his back once again, hoping to minimize the damage before grief sets in.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Jongwoon whispers.

It takes Ryeowook another minute before he starts shaking and clings onto Jongwoon as if his life depended on it. His tears remain silent for a bit before he chokes on a sob, and it unleashes the floodgates all at once. It absolutely breaks Jongwoon’s heart to see him like this—he wishes he could do anything to make him stop crying and feel better, but he knows the best thing to do now is to just allow Ryeowook to let it all out, as excruciatingly hard as it is for him to see his baby like this.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Jongwoon repeats as he presses his lips onto the top of his head. “I don’t know what she meant to you, but please know I’m here if you need anything.”

It’s truly heart-wrenching to witness this, and it takes Jongwoon everything not to get upset about it. This isn’t about him—Ryeowook is the one hurting and in need of comfort. If there is a moment where he absolutely has to stay strong for him, it’s now, and he’s ready to support him by any means necessary for his baby to stop hurting. Ryeowook was already his top priority, but Jongwoon promises himself that his entire attention will be solely focused on him for the next few days. Or weeks, or however long it’ll take for him to heal.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” Ryeowook pleads weakly between his cries. His grip tightens around Jongwoon to the point that the man finds it hard to breathe, but he says nothing.

“Never,” he vows. “I’m here with you. _ For _ you. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been brought to my attention that some people like to read this fic just to subtweet about it and degrade it. I'm a very petty person (I know it's a problem) but also don't wish to waste more energy on them, so to them I say : stay pressed lmao


	16. Thorns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I don't know what happened in this chapter, but I blame the 17 unfinished/abandoned KyuWook fics in my WIPs folder for this AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE I'M SUPER BIASED TOWARDS KYUHYUN. IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
> 
> Speaking of Kyuhyun though, if you think his mystery definitely-future-girlfriend is me, I will just... remind you that I'm not a girl so HA, checkmate KyuLi shippers who wanted me to insert myself in this fic to make this ship real eheheh
> 
> And oh. For the first time since the beginning, this chapter actually doesn't have smut, so my only warning is for heavy homophobia. If this triggers you, please refrain from reading
> 
> Lastly, I just wanted to say the names of Kyuhyun's parents (Kim Hanna and Cho Younghwan) and Ryeowook's mother (Cho Eunsil) are actually the real names of their real-life parents, but Bang Sikyung is completely made up. And I know Ryeowook is from Incheon and no one in KyuMinWook is from Gimhae irl but... this is fanfiction okay and my boyfriend pestered me to use his hometown for this so I did, ahahah
> 
> Of course, as always, thanks to [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for making sure to actually call me at 2AM so I don't hit snooze 55478365 times and end up having to write brain dead at 8AM (I'm only productive at night, don't ask) and force my ass to speed write this chapter this week
> 
> [Follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) if you wanna be spammed with bad SuJu incorrect quotes and updates on this fic :)

For the first time in the entirety of their relationship, Jongwoon fails to console Ryeowook despite all his efforts. It takes a long, _ long _ time for the boy to even stop sobbing, and he spends about the same amount of time sniffling and hiccuping, clinging onto his shirt the entire time. Jongwoon tries his hardest to soothe and make him feel safe any way he can—readjusting their positions so that Ryeowook is comfortably curled up against him, cocooned into Jongwoon’s arms, gently petting his hair and delicately rocking him back and forth—but he’s powerless to do anything in the end.

Exhaustion is what gets the better of Ryeowook, eventually. He’s cried out all of his energy after what Jongwoon assumes to be a couple of hours, and the man can feel his body grow heavier in his hold. Jongwoon continues his gentle rocking motions for a little bit longer, until Ryeowook is completely limp and silent in his arms, before he attempts to lay him back down onto his pillow so they can finally fall asleep. However, despite being extremely careful not to make any sudden move, Ryeowook stirs out of his sleep and clings onto him even more the second he feels himself shifting, almost as if he were pleading Jongwoon to let them stay like this.

The sniffling comes back then, but thankfully, it doesn’t evolve to something more intense this time. Still, Jongwoon knows the both of them are in for a sleepless night—no way he’s falling asleep with Ryeowook so distraught and in need of comfort.

“Would talking about her help or make things worse ?” Jongwoon questions. His voice is quiet and low but incredibly warm; it makes Ryeowook’s tense muscles instantly go lax once again, and the boy lets out a drawn-out breath of relief through his nose.

Only Jongwoon could have this effect on him in those circumstances.

Ryeowook thinks about Jongwoon’s question for a moment. He doesn’t really know the answer to it, because his relationship with his grandmother is—_was_—also a bit tricky, albeit not nearly at the same level as it is with his mom. He has mixed feelings about it. His grandmother was his best friend as a kid; before Sungmin and Kyuhyun came into his life when he was fourteen, Ryeowook didn’t really have a lot of friends in school. She was his comfort, his second home, and sometimes even his first given everything that was happening at home, even before his dad decided to leave. He used to be very close to her, and his childhood spent hanging out with her are memories he would always hold dear.

The thing was, like many people of her generation, she was very conservative and misinformed on a lot of things. Though she never outright made any blatantly rude comments about it, their relationship turned awkward when Ryeowook came out to her. It’s as if she didn’t truly understand what being gay meant, as she’d keep asking him if he had a girlfriend now or if there were any girls he found cute in his class, almost as if she thought it was a phase or that he would change his mind if he found a girl he thought was pretty. Though he tried to be understanding and patient with her, it eventually caused Ryeowook to distance himself from her, and their relationship was never really the same after that.

It didn’t change the fact that those news were absolutely devastating, though. He’s always held on to the hope that one day she would come to accept him, but that day would never come, sadly.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook mumbles tiredly against Jongwoon’s chest.

Ryeowook then readjusts his position a little, stretching out his back to rest his temple into the crook of Jongwoon’s neck—his cheek had been pressing on a huge wet patch onto his shirt from his tears this whole time and it was starting to get a little uncomfortable.

“My family is… complicated,” Ryeowook confesses, though he doesn’t give Jongwoon any further insight.

Jongwoon doesn’t hold it against him, however. Family was never something either of them brought up, and it seems it was for similar reasons—they didn’t get along well with them. The only time Jongwoon had mentioned his family was when he told Ryeowook that Jongjin was one of the people who tried to warn him about the toxic relationship he was stuck in, but that was only in passing. And he didn’t know anything about Ryeowook’s at all; he didn’t even know if he had siblings or not.

Though it was never really something he bothered himself with before, he now realizes that neither of them know much about each other’s pasts at all. Jongwoon is someone who always tries to focus more on the present given that many elements of his past haunt him, so he never thinks about getting to know about others’. But he supposes that maybe Ryeowook would’ve wanted to talk about certain things and Jongwoon just hadn’t given him the opportunity to bring it up.

“Whose family isn’t ?” Jongwoon jokes awkwardly in an attempt to make Ryeowook feel less alone in his situation.

Ryeowook chuckles almost bitterly. Even if Jongwoon isn’t wrong, it’s still a little sad that the concept of _ family _ is often far from what it’s set out to be. Unconditional love and support wasn’t always so _ unconditional_.

“This is why I’m more of a ‘family is what you make it out to be’ type of person,” Jongwoon explains. It’s hard for him to work with what little information he’s gathered, but he still wants to do his best to put Ryeowook in a better mood. “Blood means nothing if it causes more harm than good.”

Ryeowook agrees with this entirely. Kyuhyun and Sungmin are closer to family to him than his parents could ever wish to be, but he can’t help feeling guilty about it. Like most people, he’s been raised to believe that he at least owes them life and that it’s not something he’s allowed to be ungrateful about. This is one of the many reasons why he’s looking up to Jongwoon so much—the man doesn’t seem to let anyone or anything dictate what to feel or how to live his life. He just does whatever the hell he wants and doesn’t give a shit about what other people think of him, and that’s something Ryeowook honestly wishes he’d be capable of too.

It’s in situations like these where their age gap truly shows. Ryeowook isn’t a kid anymore, but he’s still got a lot to learn about life in general since he’s pretty much just starting out on his own and still trying to get on his own feet. Though he has a feeling Jongwoon was always the type to not give a flying fuck about other people’s opinions of him, even at Ryeowook’s age, it’s still something that has him reflecting over it. He’d be lying if he claimed that it doesn’t make him feel insecure at times, but he always ends up consoling himself by thinking of the fact that Jongwoon doesn’t seem to mind having to teach him things all that much. And it’s not like it’s entirely a one-sided thing either; Ryeowook’s cooking ‘lessons’ are a good example of this.

In any case, he’s also glad that Jongwoon isn’t acting weird about it—not once has the man dangled that above his head to try and coerce him into doing something because _ ‘he knows better’ _ or anything of the sort.

“It’s completely up to you whether you want to talk about it or not,” Jongwoon then assures him, putting a stop to Ryeowook’s overthinking. “But I’m always here to listen if it needs to get out. You know that, right ?”

Ryeowook nods without a single second of hesitation. Of course he knows. Aside from the things the boy has trouble dealing with that have something to do with _ him_, like his own self-doubt and his guilt regarding the whole Hyukjae situation, he’s very aware and certain that he can always count on Jongwoon to be there for him, whether it’s just to listen or to give advice. He might even be reliable when it comes to the other stuff, too—the reason Ryeowook doesn’t want to bring it up to his boyfriend is all on him. He doesn’t even think his thoughts and feelings make any sense at all, so he can’t imagine himself trying to explain them to Jongwoon in the first place.

“The sun is rising,” Jongwoon calls suddenly as he notices the faint glow from the sun shining through a crack between his thick black curtains.

Neither of them had realized so much time has passed—Jongwoon knew it took a huge amount of time for Ryeowook to even _ begin _ to calm down, but quickly glancing at his digital clock behind him now, he can tell just how much his perception of time got fucked by his own worry and distress to see his baby so devastated and in pain. He doesn’t even feel that tired either, which he guesses comes from the immense relief that washed through him when he saw that Ryeowook would be okay in the end and the adrenaline still pumping through his veins.

“Already ?” Ryeowook mirrors his own feelings, and in comical timing, yawns right after.

Jongwoon impulsively gives him a kiss on the forehead, thinking it to be absolutely adorable.

“Wanna go watch it together ?” Jongwoon offers, hoping a breath of fresh air would help Ryeowook to clear his head.

Ryeowook gives himself some time to think before nodding and humming in agreement. Jongwoon kisses him again before he lets go of him so they both could get up, and he stops by his closet to grab one of the fluffy blankets he usually keeps for cold winter nights. It probably isn’t that cold out given they’re in the middle of July—though they did forecast a possibility of rain and colder temperatures than the seasonal norm later in the day—but he doesn’t want to take the risk of having Ryeowook freezing on the balcony.

It’s been a while since Jongwoon allowed himself to relax like this. Usually, when he catches a glimpse of the sunrise, it’s after spending the entire night writing, and in those times, it acts more as a cue to take a break and go to bed than a moment he can spend just admiring the view. It’s nice, and especially more so since he’s not sitting on his outdoor bench on his own this time. Ryeowook is there with him, curled up to his side under the blanket they both share—this is it. He believes that this is how he wishes his life to end. Calm, serene, with the person he loves by his side.

He wonders if it would be possible for this person to be Ryeowook, but it’s too far from now for him to allow himself to hope.

“I’m having a hard time realizing that she’s actually gone,” Ryeowook blurts out suddenly, putting an end to the comfortable silence that had settled between them. “It’s… weird to think about it.”

“Did your mom say when the funeral would take place ?” Jongwoon questions. Saying goodbye to her for one last time is probably the only way for Ryeowook to fully process her death.

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs. He’s slurring a little as he speaks, most likely due to lack of sleep. “I… didn’t listen to her voicemail until the end. But I assume it’ll be held in Gimhae, where I’m from.”

“Do you plan on going ?”

Ryeowook pauses for a few seconds. “Yeah. I feel like I at least owe her that.”

“And you’ll be okay with your family ?” Jongwoon then checks.

“I think so,” Ryeowook guesses. “I should be.”

There’s an extremely heavy and awkward silence that crashes down onto them then as the conversation falls flat and they’re both left to ponder over whether or not Jongwoon would end up coming with him. Jongwoon doesn’t want to push himself onto Ryeowook, so he patiently waits for the boy to speak up first. He honestly wishes he would ask, mainly because the idea of leaving him alone to deal with all of this is a truly horrifying idea to him. But he’s also curious about meeting Ryeowook’s parents and what they’re like, and so that they at least know about their son’s relationship status.

Ryeowook, however, is seriously hesitating over this. On one hand, going through tough times like these without Jongwoon by his side is extremely nerve wracking, and he has a hard time coming to terms with being so far away from him stuck with people he doesn’t necessarily feel safe around. On the other, he wonders if bringing Jongwoon along will only end up causing more problems and put him in uncomfortable situations, especially concerning his stepdad whom he really doesn’t get along well with for multiple reasons.

This ends up being the deciding factor in the choice he makes in the end, but he’s yet to figure out a way to tell Jongwoon that he prefers to go alone without hurting him or going into detail about the reasons behind this decision.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to introduce me to your family,” Jongwoon comments then, guessing from the guilty look in Ryeowook’s eyes that this is what came out of his reflection. “I get that a time like this probably isn’t the right moment to do that.”

Though he does mean that last part, he lied about being okay with this. He tries not to let how hurt he is show through, though, because he doesn’t want Ryeowook to feel guilty on top of the grief he’s experiencing at the moment. He understands that the situation is sensitive, but he’s honestly upset that Ryeowook is apparently so _ uncomfortable _ with the idea of bringing him along that he’d rather deal with this alone without him. The boy never hesitates to lean on him for comfort whenever he needs it, so this feels like a huge slap in the face that he wasn’t prepared for to him.

“But I really don’t like the idea of you going there alone,” Jongwoon admits. He hopes his voice remains calm enough not to betray him. “Do you have a friend who could go with you ?” He may be able to swallow down his own pain and accept Ryeowook’s decision regarding him, but he wants to make it clear that he’s _ not _ letting him leave on his own. He needs to know he has someone to take care of him or the anxiety and worry he’ll be plagued with while Ryeowook is gone might seriously kill him.

“I… I guess I could ask either Kyuhyun or Sungmin, since their families also live there,” Ryeowook suggests. He honestly feels awful about doing this, but he doesn’t think he has a choice in the matter. Not with his stepdad being such a huge problem—a problem Jongwoon isn’t even aware of, and he’d like to keep it that way. “I’m sure at least one of them will come.”

There’s another awful moment of silence that points the tip of its nose after that. Jongwoon spends it trying his best to stop being so upset about it—getting mad at Ryeowook right now is just about the last thing the boy needs, and he doesn’t want to make this about him either. This isn’t the time for a petty argument over something Jongwoon knows is ridiculous. He just has to suck it up and find ways to be there for Ryeowook any way he can at least until he comes back.

“When did Kyuhyun say he’d be here again ?” Jongwoon asks as he pulls out another shirt from the basket sitting on the dining chair next to him to fold it. He’s just done doing laundry—he’s woken up earlier today to make sure Ryeowook has some fresh clothes to bring with him for his stay in Gimhae.

Despite having slept almost all day yesterday after his sleepless night of crying, Ryeowook still feels exhausted and apathetic, stuck somewhere between consciousness and daydream. It takes him a moment to register what Jongwoon is asking him, so tired and drowsy that watching his boyfriend at work as he’s bent over the dining table ready to fall asleep again almost hypnotizes him.

“Around noon,” Ryeowook mumbles. His voice is small and void of emotion—he wishes he could just go back to bed and stay there for the next week.

It absolutely breaks Jongwoon’s heart to see him like this, but he swallows it up because he doesn’t want to worsen Ryeowook’s mood by also being in a bad mood.

To be honest, Jongwoon isn’t looking forward to Kyuhyun’s arrival at all. He tries his best to appear as if this doesn’t bother him, but it does, and the prospect of spending the next few days alone knowing Ryeowook is going through a tough time on the other side of the country is even more upsetting than it was yesterday. He’d hoped the funeral would at least be held later than it ended up being and he would get to spend a few more days with his boyfriend.

Needless to say he didn’t react well when Ryeowook played back his mom’s voicemail yesterday evening and he heard that it was two days from now, on the twenty-second, and he’d been even less keen to the idea when Ryeowook told him he’d leave today so he could be there to help prepare and set it all up the next day. He didn’t let anything show and he’s _ still _ trying to act casual about it, but the truth is that he _ is _ very upset about the whole thing. The only part of it that’s somewhat reassuring is that Kyuhyun agreed to go with Ryeowook, so the boy at least wouldn’t have to deal with this alone. And out of all his friends, Kyuhyun is the one Jongwoon trusts the most, probably because the guy reminds him of Heechul in a lot of ways.

Ryeowook lets out a tired sigh as he stands up to strut toward Jongwoon’s bedroom in an almost zombie-like manner. Jongwoon guesses the boy finally managed to kick his own butt into packing up for his stay, though he really doesn’t seem enthusiastic about it. Which is completely understandable given the circumstances—no one would feel excited about a funeral. What Ryeowook doesn’t say is that he’s also very upset that Jongwoon can’t come with him; he knows the man would drop everything in a heartbeat if he asked, but he’s too convinced that it’s a really bad idea to change his mind about his decision.

Jongwoon finishes his task first before joining Ryeowook in his room. He finds him standing in front of the dresser, just staring into one of the drawers the man had cleared for him slid open for a very long time before picking up one of his remaining shirts and letting it fall into his travel bag. Sighing, Jongwoon places the laundry basket onto his bed before walking up to the boy, and hugs him from behind without a word. Ryeowook immediately lets himself melt into him, welcoming his warmth with no hesitation; he really needs something like this right now to keep him from slipping, and knowing he won’t be able to rely on Jongwoon for physical comfort for the next few days, he’d be crazy to let this opportunity pass.

“You still have some time to rest,” Jongwoon whispers. It’s close to ten in the morning now, which leaves Ryeowook a good two hours more to at least take a nap—something Jongwoon truly believes he needs right now. “I can pack your stuff for you.”

Jongwoon catches the small whine that Ryeowook tries in vain to stifle; he really wants to sleep, but at the same time, his sense of responsibility keeps telling him that he’s just running away from problems that he’ll _ still _ be forced to face in the end.

Jongwoon, however, doesn’t really give him a choice in the matter, guiding him to the bed and making him lay down on it—Ryeowook doesn’t have the strength nor the will to fight back, so he just lets himself be coddled by his boyfriend without saying anything. He does, however, protest when Jongwoon goes to pull himself off of him, but his grasp on him as he attempts to pull him back in is too weak to yield any results.

“I won’t take long,” Jongwoon assures him. “I’ll come cuddle with you right after, okay ?”

Ryeowook nods, albeit a little reluctantly. He knows he can’t really say _ ‘screw packing, hold me instead’ _ unless he wants to spend at least the next three days wearing the same clothes and underwear, which he really doesn’t.

Jongwoon is about just as eager as Ryeowook was when he takes over his task, which is to say _ not at all_. He’s really fighting against his impulse to just tell the boy he really doesn’t agree with staying here and that this whole situation is upsetting. He really hates the fact that he’s making such a big deal out of this when he knows Ryeowook probably has his reasons, whatever those may be, but he can’t help it. Were he still in touch with his parents, they would know and have met him by now; he understands that Ryeowook isn’t close to his, but at the same time, that makes it worse for him. If the boy doesn’t have the intention of rekindling his relationship with them, then why should he care about what they’d think of him if he brought him along ?

Jongwoon delivers himself a huge mental slap in the face then. He truly is acting like a child. It’s very uncharacteristic of him to get so irrationally upset over something like this, too. But it hurts that Ryeowook is basically telling him he doesn’t need him in a moment like this. It feels like he’s pushing him away, in a way. That’s a conversation he should have with him another day, though.

Jongwoon triple-checks if he’s got everything he thinks Ryeowook would need for a three-day trip, and he thinks he does—maybe he’s overpacked, actually, wanting to make sure the boy is prepared for unplanned situations and at least has a change of clothes in case he needs it. He even throws in one of his hoodies, the red one Ryeowook particularly loves to steal on cold days. It’s one of Jongwoon’s favourites too, and he thinks letting the boy leave with it is a good way to remember him by and hopefully provide some comfort in his place.

Ryeowook is just about to fall into deep sleep when Jongwoon finally joins him on the bed and spoons him, honoring his earlier promise. It’s not enough to satisfy him, though, and he turns around in Jongwoon’s arms to cling to him and bury his face into the man’s neck, half of his body lying on top of him and his left leg tangled up with Jongwoon’s own.

Jongwoon’s deep, even breathing as the man nuzzles into his hair proves to be extremely relaxing to Ryeowook. His scent comforts him, and the rise and fall of his chest lulls him to sleep; he feels at home here.

Jongwoon just means so much to him. He honestly feels blessed to have him in his life, despite everything, but he’s starting to worry with the more recent events and his insecurities hitting him point blank in the face that the honeymoon phase is finally starting to drop the curtain to move on to another stage. He’s still convinced that everything he has with Jongwoon is what feels right for him, and fuck, he loves him even more with each day that passes, but things have been so perfect up until then that Ryeowook fears the slightest thing that goes wrong can blow up in their face at any moment.

He’s thankful that Jongwoon doesn’t prod him into sharing the reasons behind his decision to go alone, but at the same time, the man’s attitude and reaction to it doesn’t feel entirely sincere. It’s like even though he understands and respects his choice, he really doesn’t agree with it, and Ryeowook fears it’ll just upset him. Jongwoon never shares this type of stuff with him whenever he’s tormented by something, so he has no way to truly know what his boyfriend is thinking unless he questions him about it. But he’s not sure if this is the right moment to do that.

“Jongwoon ?” Ryeowook calls out hesitantly. The man hums as a response, encouraging him to go on. “Can you… can you be honest with me ?”

“Huh… s-sure..?” Jongwoon blinks. He’s so confused now, and a little apprehensive of what Ryeowook is about to ask him next—his first question makes it sound like it’s serious.

“Are you gonna be okay staying here alone ?”

Ryeowook thinks asking him upfront if he’s upset about staying behind might cause the man to shut down again, so this is the best he managed to come up with.

“Are you scared I’ll set the apartment on fire ?” Jongwoon chuckles awkwardly. He’s not sure he understands what Ryeowook means by that.

“No, it’s not that…” Ryeowook hesitates. “I don’t want you to think the reason I want to go on my own is because I’m ashamed of you. It’s just… it’s really complicated. But it’s not because of you. I just have a hard time talking about it. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jongwoon rebuts, though his voice remains soft and caring rather than commanding. It’s a reflex to react this way whenever Ryeowook apologizes for something he’s not at fault for. It’s stronger than him—he knows how much damage guilt can leave behind, and he refuses to let it hurt his baby if he can help it. “I can’t force you to tell me if it’s too painful for you, though I hate knowing you’re hurt and I can’t do anything about it. But it would be very hypocritical of me to get mad at you for it. You probably felt the same way with me before I told you about my previous relationship.”

And Jongwoon _ is _ being sincere there—he’s not mad at Ryeowook at all. He can’t be. It’s not the fact that the boy doesn’t want to tell him anything that upsets him in the first place either; he’s upset that _ there’s a reason _ for leaving him behind at all. No matter what it could be, Ryeowook should know Jongwoon will be there for him, to comfort and _ protect _ him, so he really doesn’t understand what the boy is _ still _ so scared about.

“I just want to be there for you,” Jongwoon reminds him. _ ‘But I can’t do that if you don’t need me’ _ is the thought that crosses his mind then, but he keeps it to himself. It’s not the time to be petty or accusatory. “And I’m ready to make that drive across the country in the middle of the night if you change your mind while you’re there.”

Ryeowook’s grasp on him tightens. He’s so grateful. “I love you,” he exhales, mumbling and speaking so quietly that Jongwoon almost misses it.

Thinking Ryeowook’s words are meant to reassure him and confirm the fact that the boy meant what he said, Jongwoon smiles brightly and brings him even closer to leave a kiss on his forehead, followed by another on his temple.

“Don’t worry, angel,” Jongwoon assures him. “I never doubted it.”

The contradicting feelings Ryeowook is hit with just then almost tear him from the inside. On one side, he’s relieved to know Jongwoon never ended up doubting his feelings for him, but on the other, he genuinely wishes the man would’ve just said it back to him. He doesn’t get why he doesn’t and it’s confusing at this point.

Ryeowook sighs; in frustration, disappointment, but mostly out of exhaustion at everything going on at the moment. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to fall asleep despite that, though, not when his mind is jumping in all directions at the speed of sound. He wouldn’t have slept for very long anyway, because about ten minutes later, there’s a buzzing sound coming from the intercom in the living room—Kyuhyun’s just arrived, it seems.

Neither of them really want to get up, but they know they unfortunately have to. Ryeowook is the first to move, slipping himself out of Jongwoon’s arms, and the man stays lying on the bed for a few more seconds before he follows him. Everything about this feels so strange; they’re both upset at each other while at the same time hating the fact that they have to let go and wishing to stay close, and it creates this tense atmosphere around them that makes things so awkward that even Kyuhyun can feel that something is off about them when they greet him at the door. He doesn’t comment on it, though, because mingling in couples’ affairs really isn’t a thing he has much interest in.

Unless it’s for teasing, but this really doesn’t look like a situation where he’d be able to do that.

Ryeowook remains clueless to it, mostly because he’s too zoned out to pay attention to anything, but Jongwoon realizes very quickly that Kyuhyun can feel that something is wrong here. He doesn’t like that one bit.

“I’ll, huh… I’ll go grab your stuff,” Jongwoon excuses himself, hoping leaving Kyuhyun and Ryeowook alone for a moment will help ease off the tension somehow.

Ryeowook simply nods at him to let him know he understood before Jongwoon walks away from them. Kyuhyun shoots his friend a worried look.

“How are you feeling ?” Kyuhyun checks. He thinks it’s kind of silly to ask this type of question in those circumstances, but he at least wants to make sure Ryeowook can still hold himself together a minimum.

“I’m… okay, I guess,” Ryeowook tells him, though he doesn’t sound convincing at all. “As okay as I can be with what’s happening.”

“Sungmin wanted me to tell you he’s sorry for not being able to come,” Kyuhyun relays him. “He spent about an hour trying to reason with his drama troupe leader about missing practice but it ended with the guy threatening to kick him off if he didn’t take this gig seriously. Kind of an asshole move if you ask me.”

“I get it,” Ryeowook assures. “Plus I don’t think my stepdad would’ve been happy to see him given what happened when they last saw each other.”

Kyuhyun chuckles awkwardly at the memory. “I don’t think he would’ve let him come through the door at all.”

The conversation falls flat due to Jongwoon’s return, but thankfully as the man had hoped, the uneasy tension they’d felt before has seemingly vanished by now.

He goes to hand the bag he’s holding over to Ryeowook, but he gets interrupted by Kyuhyun who grabs it instead, taking the man by surprise, though it’s a pleasant one. He’s also the type to want to carry Ryeowook’s stuff for him, and it’s comforting to see that Kyuhyun has the same or at least similar reflexes when it comes to the boy. He knows he’s leaving him in good hands.

Jongwoon shoots Ryeowook a defeated look—it’s time to say goodbye, and he really doesn’t want to. The boy shares the same opinion, despite everything, and without warning, he practically throws himself into his arms; Jongwoon narrowly catches him to engulf him into a warm hug, holding onto him so tightly that Ryeowook almost decides to bail on the whole thing and just stay here with his boyfriend.

“I’ll miss you,” Ryeowook confesses.

“I’ll miss you too,” Jongwoon repeats as he kisses the top of his head. “Please stay safe. And call me when you get to Gimhae, okay ?”

“I will,” Ryeowook nods into his chest.

“You guys are the most disgusting couple I’ve ever met,” Kyuhyun comments as he pretends to gag.

Jongwoon chuckles quietly as he slowly detaches himself from Ryeowook, the thought of _ ‘we could show you a different type of disgusting’ _ running through his mind; he almost says it out loud, but catches himself at the last minute because he know this isn’t really appropriate in this case. Though he’d have no qualms about doing something like that in any other situation.

“I trust you to take care of him while you’re there,” Jongwoon tells him, opting to completely ignore Kyuhyun’s remark. He then pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pocket and hands it over to him before he continues his speech. “This is my number. Don’t hesitate to call me if there’s anything.”

“Will do,” Kyuhyun assures him. He mostly takes the paper out of politeness and wish to keep Jongwoon from worrying too much, but he only intends on using it in cases of emergency. If Ryeowook isn’t coming with him, there must be a very good reason, and Kyuhyun wants to respect his friend’s decision.

It’s difficult for Ryeowook to pry himself away from Jongwoon. He’s about the only thing making him feel something other than emptiness at the moment and the thought of leaving is almost terrifying. It also breaks Jongwoon’s heart to let him go, but he knows he has no choice in the end.

“I don’t want you to leave either, baby,” Jongwoon confesses, mirroring Ryeowook’s own feelings. “But I don’t want you guys to be on the road when it’s dark.”

Ryeowook inhales deeply, gathering the strength to finally step away and join Kyuhyun by the door. Jongwoon sees them out, heart clenched and hurting, and leans over the door frame one last time to give Ryeowook a goodbye kiss before they leave; and as he watches them disappear into the staircase at the end of the hallway, he can feel his apartment turn cold and empty behind him. He doesn’t want to walk back in.

Ryeowook drags his feet to Kyuhyun’s car, following his friend almost at a snail’s pace. He already feels like crying, both out of regret and guilt for leaving Jongwoon behind and because he’s hit once again with the realization that he’s going back to his hometown to say goodbye to someone who used to mean so much to him. He’s sitting in the passenger seat, zoned out and staring into space, by the time Kyuhyun takes a seat behind the wheel after throwing in Ryeowook’s travel bag next to his own on the backseat.

“Are you sure you want to go without him ?” Kyuhyun questions, sighing as he turns on the engine. He hates seeing Ryeowook like this—he wishes he could grieve for him just so his friend doesn’t have to go through that pain.

Ryeowook simply nods at him.

“Does he know ?”

“No,” Ryeowook shakes his head. “I didn’t know how to tell him. He would’ve never let me go without him if he knew either, and I don’t think him coming is a good idea. He’s… much less forgiving when it comes to this type of stuff. You saw what he did to Zhoumi when he heard about what he did to me.”

“Do you think you’ll ever tell him ?” Kyuhyun continues.

“Surely one day I will,” Ryeowook shrugs. “But you know it’s hard for me to talk about it. I pretend my parents don’t exist on a daily basis, so imagine having to both think about what happened between us _ and _ voice it out loud.”

The boy then lets out a bitter little chuckle. This is why he tried not to question or pry Jongwoon too much about his nightmares or question him about the details of his past relationship with Hyukjae—why he said nothing when they were in Taiwan and he saw how upset he got when he talked about what collaring meant to him, which he now believes he did or at least wanted to do with his ex before they broke up, and probably why it’s so hard for the man to tell him he loves him, he realizes now that he’s thinking about it. It still hurts, but he gets it, or at least he likes to believe he does. The fact that he’s still upset about it, though, might say otherwise.

Jongwoon is traumatized from his past experience, a bit like Ryeowook is now though the contexts are completely different. The boy feels guilty for getting upset over the fact that he doesn’t talk much and realizes that it’s a bit hypocritical—but it’s not like he wants to know about every little detail of his boyfriend’s life either. He just wants to understand him better, and it’s hard to do that when Jongwoon keeps bottling everything inside and pretending everything is fine.

“To be fair to him, your stepdad really has a punchable face,” Kyuhyun jokes, hoping to lighten up the mood a little. He cares a lot for his friend, but he’s fucking _ terrible _ when it comes to offering some type of emotional support besides distractions and poorly-timed jokes. “Knowing how he is, I’m surprised he didn’t try to sue Sungmin when he overheard him threaten to cut off his tongue in his sleep.”

“It’s because you stepped in to calm him down,” Ryeowook reminds him. “He’s always respected and kinda liked you.”

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun grimaces. “I’m disgusted, honestly. But enough talking about this guy,” he then transitions. “We’re gonna spend at least three days with him. Let’s make use of what time we have left without him to talk about more important things.”

“If you’re gonna mention Siwon again, I’m jumping out of the car and onto the road,” Ryeowook threatens as he throws his head back against the headrest.

“... what if I talk about him _ without _ asking you to introduce me to Jongwoon’s friends so I can meet him ?” Kyuhyun attempts, already preparing himself to get hit by his friend.

The slap on his arm doesn’t come, but Ryeowook still doesn’t approve. “Tell me about your girlfriend instead.”

Ryeowook guesses this is the best topic they can have a conversation about, since it has nothing to do about him, his parents or even Jongwoon for that matter, and seeing his friend get flustered and cornered might be a good enough distraction from his sadness, at least for a little while. He’ll take what he can at this point.

“What girlfriend ?” Kyuhyun plays dumb.

“Sungmin told me you spent the night at someone else’s place the other day,” Ryeowook brings up. “Why aren’t you telling us ?”

“Because there’s nothing to tell,” Kyuhyun insists, sounding a little more serious this time, though he’s still mainly embarrassed about it. “It’s nothing like that.”

“But there _ is _ someone,” Ryeowook presses.

The silence he gets as a response is incriminating, and Kyuhyun knows it.

“Sort of ?” he admits, finally.

“... how do you _ sort of _ have a girlfriend ? Is it a _ friends with benefits _ type of thing ?”

“No,” Kyuhyun refutes. He sounds a little upset about it, though. “We’re just friends.”

“Right,” Ryeowook teases. “Just friends, but you stayed over at her house the other day.”

“We ended up playing drunk Mario Kart,” Kyuhyun confesses. “Where we got hammered and tried to play the game and beat each other at it. I was way too drunk to drive back home so I crashed on her couch.”

“Wow,” Ryeowook blurts out. “That was actually kind of wholesome. Are you planning on asking her out ?”

“Not really,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “I really like her but I also like what we have now. She’s really chill and always up for a challenge, and… I don’t know. We just kinda vibe together. It’s almost like we’ve known each other for years. Everything just feels natural so I like the idea of just letting things flow and see where it’ll take us.”

“Do I know her ?”

“I don’t think you do,” Kyuhyun guesses. “She’s an exchange student from China. I had a lot of classes with her and she was one of the people I ended up tutoring because her Korean was still a bit rusty and she wanted to make sure she understood everything. We became friends when she told me my Chinese was kind of hot.”

“Sounds like she was flirting with you,” Ryeowook observes. He has to contain his laughter then, because the way he sees the situation now, it’s almost like this mystery girl is actually interested in him and Kyuhyun is so clueless about it that he ended up accidentally friendzoning her.

“I would’ve thought the same if she didn’t add _ ‘too bad you aren’t’ _ right after,” Kyuhyun laughs.

“_Ouch_,” Ryeowook snickers.

“That was my initial reaction until I realized that it’s just a thing she does,” Kyuhyun shakes off. “Where she’ll call me cute but then find ways to insult me. So I started doing it to her too. It kind of just became a thing and weirdly I don’t mind it.”

“Seeing you gush over someone like that is both extremely strange and really adorable,” Ryeowook states.

“... I know, right ?”

“Does Sungmin know ?” Ryeowook questions then.

Kyuhyun shakes his head. “I don’t wanna give him a scapegoat to justify why he still hasn’t asked Saeun out,” he grins. “They’re not the _ ‘we’ll see where this takes us’ _ type and I don’t want him to believe they are. I’ll tell him after he gets the balls to do it. Maybe.”

“So you’ll never tell him,” Ryeowook jokes.

“Probably not,” Kyuhyun snorts. “The guy’s gonna die a virgin, I’m telling you.”

Ryeowook actually wouldn’t be surprised if it were the case, at this point. It’s so painful to watch the way Sungmin stares at Saeun in absolute awe when he thinks she isn’t looking or how willing he is to do whatever she asks him to do, almost like a dog obeying his master—in the literal sense. The worst thing is, he’s certain Saeun feels the same about Sungmin but is just waiting for him to make the first move. It _honestly,_ _actually_ hurts to see them interact with each other.

Love definitely is a complicated thing. He guesses he should consider himself lucky that things have been going as great as they had with Jongwoon, though he doesn’t know how much longer this is going to last. He knows they’re bound to disagree at one point—and he thinks they might have already if Jongwoon had been anything like the frat boys he used to frequent. His boyfriend is still a giant baby at heart, but he’s surprisingly mature when it comes to handling their relationship when things aren’t going so well. Which makes sense, considering Jongwoon is at a different stage in his life than most people around Ryeowook’s age.

“Oh, I was thinking,” Kyuhyun suddenly exclaims. “Do you mind if we stop by somewhere for like, ten minutes ? My sister is visiting my parents for the week because her husband is away for work, and I wanna bring something for the twins since I haven’t seen them since last Christmas.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ryeowook agrees. Sometimes he forgets that Kyuhyun is such a doting uncle—probably because when it comes to any other kid besides his nephews, he’s awkward as hell. “I don’t mind at all.”

It hasn’t been that long since Ryeowook left his hometown to move to Seoul—just about two years—but the place already feels so distant and strange to him. He can recognize the buildings and the scenery, but none of it feels like home anymore, and the more they advance into the city, the more uneasy he gets. Many good memories are attached to this place, but so are the worst ones; his father leaving them when he was seven, his awful stepdad coming into his life, his falling out with his grandmother whom he’d been so close with since birth, and his relationship with his mom, which hadn’t been all that bad during his childhood, becoming more and more awkward as a result of her second marriage. All of those things he’s wished to forget when he left to start anew are now standing right in front of him, and the temporary inner peace he was able to reach on the car ride thanks to Kyuhyun has vanished from him by the time Kyuhyun parks his car in the driveway of his parents’ house.

Ryeowook would be lying if he claimed that he isn’t at least a little envious of Kyuhyun’s family dynamics; the Cho have always been so warm and welcoming, and Kyuhyun’s mom, Hanna, basically treated both he and Sungmin as her second and third sons. And albeit less affectionate and straight-forward than his wife, Kyuhyun’s dad showed him nothing but kindness since the very first time Kyuhyun introduced him to his parents. His friend was basically a carbon copy of his father when it came to personality, with the same sense of humor and nonchalance toward the little troubles of life, so it isn’t surprising in the slightest that Ryeowook likes him so much.

He knew a little less about Ahra, given she’s older than them and was already on her way to college by the time Ryeowook befriended Kyuhyun, but for the few times they’ve interacted with each other, she’s also been nothing but nice to him. Ryeowook felt more at home with the Cho than he did with his own parents.

Still, he’s a little shy to follow Kyuhyun inside at first—it’s been so long since he’s been here, and it’s always a bit awkward to be the one standing in the doorway while everyone else is greeting each other with hugs and little screams of excitement.

“Oh, Ryeowook !” Hanna gasps as she spots the boy balancing on his feet behind her son. She gives him a warm smile before walking up to him to cup his cheeks in her hands affectionately before giving him a hug too, which Ryeowook returns after a moment of hesitation. “I learned about your grandmother. My condolences.”

“Thank you,” Ryeowook accepts, giving her a nod in gratitude.

“It’s… still nice to see you. You’ve changed since I last saw you,” she then comments, not wanting to pour more salt on the wound. “You used to be a scrawny little kid who’d always get himself hurt, but you’ve turned into a handsome young man now.”

“Mom, please stop flirting with Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes dramatically as he grabs Ryeowook’s wrist to pull him away from her grasp.

“I wasn’t flirting with him, come on now,” Hanna defends, giving her son a slap on the arm. She then chuckles and winks at Ryeowook. “I’m happily married to your dad, and cute as he is, I’m sure Ryeowook already has a boyfriend too.”

She isn’t wrong, but Ryeowook doesn’t confirm—nor deny—her guess. This is another thing he loves about this family; they’re so accepting of him and his sexuality despite how conservative their country still is, especially when it comes to the older generation. He remembers how they came to know he was gay, because it was actually kind of hilarious : it was on his sixteenth birthday, and Kyuhyun had decided to plan and host a small party for him with their close friends at the time, which honestly only called for a disaster now that he thinks about it. His friend had wanted to prank him on that day, and the way he found to fulfill his plan was to bake a cake in the shape of a dick—he’d even bought dick-shaped candles off the Internet, because apparently those exist, but the whole ordeal meant that Kyuhyun had to explain to his parents the reason behind it.

His mom ended up helping him with the cake after reportedly almost dying of laughter at her son’s antics. It _ definitely _ makes sense that Kyuhyun is so weird, given the parents he has, but Ryeowook doesn’t have any complaints about it.

“Where are my boys ?” Kyuhyun then asks, suddenly excited at the prospect of seeing his nephews.

“_Your _ boys ?” a voice calls from the hallway—Ahra, holding one of the twins in her arms. Ryeowook doesn’t know which one it is, though. He hasn’t seen them enough to be able to tell them apart.

“Yes,” Kyuhyun insists as he walks up to her to grab the boy from her arms. “I’m clearly their favourite. Right, Yejun ?”

As a response, Yejun reaches up to grab Kyuhyun’s nose as the man cradles him in his arms affectionately.

“See ? He agrees,” Kyuhyun affirms proudly. “Where’s Hajun ?”

“With dad in the living room,” Ahra tells him before peeking over his shoulder to wave at Ryeowook. “Hey, Wookie ! Long time no see.”

“Hey,” Ryeowook shyly waves back as he reflexively steps closer to Kyuhyun for comfort.

With Yejun still in his arms, Kyuhyun beckons Ryeowook to follow him in the living room with a sign of his head. Ahra is right behind, keeping her brother under her watchful eye to make sure he doesn’t try to corrupt her sons or something of the sort—at least, that’s Ryeowook’s theory, because this is definitely something he would see Kyuhyun do.

Kyuhyun’s father, Younghwan, is playing with Hajun by making him bounce on his knee—the little boy is laughing hysterically, and it seems to have caught the attention of his brother who almost tries to jump off of Kyuhyun’s arms so he could play too.

“So much for being the favourite,” Ahra teases as she walks by to sit next to her dad, ruffling Kyuhyun’s hair in passing.

“I brought them a gift,” Kyuhyun counters. “I’ll buy their love back.”

“So that’s what’s in that shopping bag,” Ahra exclaims, pointing at the bag wrapped around Kyuhyun’s wrist.

“What else could be in it ?”

“I don’t know,” Ahra shrugs. “Your xbox, since you can’t be separated from that thing for more than ten minutes.”

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes at her before putting Yejun down on the floor on his playmat. He then kneels down in front of his puzzled eyes to pull out a little sheep plushie, shaking it in front of his face to catch his attention. Ryeowook’s heart warms up when he sees the little boy’s face light up at the sight and extends out his little arms to grab it from Kyuhyun’s hand. It wakes up his maternal instincts he usually keeps locked away, and when his friend goes to give Hajun his own plush toy—a cow—Ryeowook sits on the floor next to Yejun to observe him fondly. It almost makes him wish he could have his own family one day, even though he knows it’s impossible for him given same sex couples aren’t allowed to adopt in Korea.

Ryeowook sighs, which apparently displeases Yejun who throws the plush at his face as he bursts out in laughter at Ryeowook’s shocked expression.

“That was _ not _ nice,” Ryeowook gasps dramatically, faking offense.

Yejun only lets out a string of incomprehensible blabbering that Ryeowook has no way of deciphering, but he assumes that he’s mocking him in baby language.

“He said it’s payback for all the times you hit me,” Kyuhyun snickers, walking up to stand behind him and teasingly pushing against the back of Ryeowook’s head.

“You deserved it each time,” Ryeowook grumbles.

As fun as Kyuhyun’s family is, Ryeowook’s mind is so focused on negative feelings due to grief that he can’t fully allow himself to enjoy his time with the Cho. He spends his entire visit almost obsessing over the fact that they’ll have to leave so he could go to his parents’ place; he wishes he could stay with them, but with Ahra and the twins being there, he feels too uncomfortable doing that and taking up even more space in a relatively small home. At least he can console himself with the fact that Kyuhyun is coming with him—his friend refuses to leave him alone with his parents, and he’s honestly thankful for that. He doesn’t want to be left alone with them either.

Younghwan does offer them to at least stay over for dinner, which Ryeowook sadly has to decline too. He’s told his mom over text that he and Kyuhyun would be there by that time, and he really doesn’t want to get scolded for changing his plans at the last minute for forcing her to prepare more food than ended up being necessary. If he’s going to stay there for a couple of days, he might as well try not to give his stepdad more reasons to get on his back and make it more difficult for him than it already will be.

His hand is shaking uncontrollably as his finger hovers over the doorbell. What little relief and peace he’d been able to find at the Cho household has completely disappeared by now.

Worried, Kyuhyun reaches over to rub Ryeowook’s back in an awkward attempt to calm him down—god, he wishes he were better at this than he is. Despite the constant teasing, Kyuhyun actually really cares for his friend. Since the moment they met, he’s always felt compelled to take care and protect him for some reason. Ryeowook tends to have that effect on people in general, probably because he looks so small and fragile, but it’s probably worse with him than it is for anyone else. Well, except Jongwoon, but that’s a given.

“Are you sure you don’t just want to get a hotel room ?” Kyuhyun suggests.

“Do you have money for a hotel room ?” Ryeowook counters. He sounds angrier and more on edge than he means to, but it’s most likely due to anxiety, so Kyuhyun doesn’t hold it against him or take it personally.

“... I don’t,” Kyuhyun concedes. “But you could ask Jongwoon to transfer you some money ? I have a feeling he won’t mind.”

For the first time, Ryeowook actually considers that idea—he fucking abhors having to ask Jongwoon for it, but this is a special case. Unfortunately for him, they’ve been standing on the porch long enough to have caught the attention of his mom from the inside, and the door opens in front of them as Ryeowook is about to pull out his phone and text Jongwoon about it. It’s too late, now.

All three of them then just stand there, frozen, and Kyuhyun is left sort of stuck in the middle—his gaze shifts from Ryeowook to Mrs Cho, then back to his friend, as mother and son just stare at each other in shock, not knowing how to even greet each other.

“Hi..?” Kyuhyun steps in, unable to deal with the tension any longer.

This seems to have been enough to snap Mrs Cho back to reality, who blinks at them before staring at the space between both boys, too uncomfortable to remake eye contact with her son. She steps back to leave them space to get in, only acknowledging Kyuhyun’s ‘hi’ with a nod.

Reflexively, Kyuhyun steps in first, wanting to create a shield between Ryeowook and his mom, even if he knows Mrs Cho is relatively inoffensive—in fact, the reason their relationship turned so awkward and uncomfortable is because the woman had chosen to remain completely passive in every one of Ryeowook’s disagreements with his stepdad instead of standing up for her son like she should have.

“It’s been… a while,” Mrs Cho finally speaks up as she shuts the door behind them.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook agrees.

Kyuhyun honestly wants to die then—he really, _ really _ can’t stand tension and awkwardness.

“How have you been ? How’s college ?” Mrs Cho inquires, though both Kyuhyun and Ryeowook know she’s just trying to make conversation to try and seem friendly rather than look for an answer she’s actually interested in hearing.

“It’s good,” Ryeowook shrugs. “Managed to keep my grades high enough to keep my scholarship.”

“Oh, that’s great,” his mother exclaims, obviously faking her excitement. Ryeowook believes that she’s actually genuinely trying to be nice to him, but she can’t manage to sound sincere at all for the life of her.

It breaks his heart a little, even if he didn’t expect anything else from her. She’s his mother, after all; no matter how broken their bond is, it still hurts to know that the person who brought you into this world doesn’t care enough about you to show any interest or even affection towards you.

“Should we go put our stuff in your room ?” Kyuhyun then suggests, wanting to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Both Ryeowook and his mom gladly take the bait.

“You guys do that,” Mrs Cho nods before turning to Kyuhyun—her expression immediately turns noticeably warmer, and she smiles at him. “I’ve already prepared a bed for you in Ryeowook’s room. I’ll… call you both when dinner is ready.”

“Thank you,” Kyuhyun bows out of politeness before pulling Ryeowook by the wrist down the hallway.

He wants to get away from the situation, but he mostly wishes to protect Ryeowook from having to deal with this shit any longer. He’s always fucking despised how his parents were always so nice to him and treated him more like their son than they ever did with Ryeowook. Kyuhyun is much less confrontational than Sungmin is and he’s always remained polite with them to avoid conflict, so it makes sense that out of the two, he’s their favourite; but the fact that apparently they seem to prefer him over their own son disgusts and pisses him off so much—and it’s hard to make him angry.

Ryeowook’s childhood bedroom looks nothing like what he remembers. The walls were repainted to a boring, neutral beige color, and all the furniture had been replaced—that part made sense, though, since he left with all of it when he moved out. His parents had turned it into a guest room, filled with only a bed and a dresser with a mirror affixed on the wall on top of it, and in this case an inflatable mattress on the floor meant for Kyuhyun.

The bed would’ve been large enough to accommodate the both of them, but he’s not surprised his parents chose to make them sleep separately. He even guesses that it’s his stepdad’s doing, or at least his idea; can’t let two men share a bed, after all, even platonically. He almost wants to throw up.

It wasn’t his choice to come out to them. He’d been outed by one of his classmates’ mother, who had heard it from her daughter, and being close with Ryeowook’s mom, she eventually brought it up to her. It of course resulted in an extremely awkward conversation at the dinner table that night, and it only made things worse between him and his stepdad, who already had a problem with him not being manly enough for his standards, whatever the hell that meant. Ryeowook doesn’t speak toxic masculinity, so he never understood why this had always been such a big deal for the guy.

“I almost want to sleep with you in your bed just to piss them off,” Kyuhyun mutters as he lets their travel bags fall on the floor at the foot of the inflatable mattress.

“Don’t,” Ryeowook discourages him. “You’re my only way of making this more bearable. There’s some good in my stepdad liking you.”

“I know,” Kyuhyun grunts as he lies down on his bed to stare at the ceiling. “Are you sure it’s not too late for the hotel ?”

“Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook scolds him.

“I’m asking this for you,” the taller man clarifies. “You don’t have to put up with their bullshit. You’re an adult now and you’ve been doing great for yourself.”

“I know, but…” Ryeowook retracts dejectedly. “They’re still my family. And we’re all going through a tough time.”

“Still,” Kyuhyun counters, lifting his head up to stare at his friend, who’s still standing at his feet. “You’ve always been way too nice. Even to people who don’t deserve it.”

“So have you,” Ryeowook throws back, playfully kicking his foot with his own.

“I just do it because I have no energy for bullshit,” Kyuhyun snickers. “You do it because you’re unable to be mean to anyone. I have the ability to be mean. I just don’t care enough to be.”

Ryeowook sighs. Kyuhyun’s right. He really doesn’t have it in him to be mean to anyone, even when he has to put people back in their place; he does know how to get himself out of shitty situations and won’t hesitate to do it, but he usually does so by fleeing rather than standing up for himself. He’s lucky he’s able to spot abusive behaviour when he sees it—it’s the only reason he’s never been caught up in an abusive relationship.

Zhoumi doesn’t count. He was a hookup, and he only became an asshole _ after _ the fact.

Without a word, Ryeowook lets himself fall back on the mattress next to Kyuhyun, staring at the ceiling just as his friend’s been doing. Kyuhyun wants to make a comment about how Ryeowook told him minutes ago that this type of thing was a bad idea, but he refrains himself from doing so. He’s uncomfortable and the absolute worst person to help people deal with their emotions, but he does know when it’s appropriate to joke around and when it isn’t. Most of the time, anyway.

“Oh shit, I completely forgot,” Ryeowook suddenly exclaims as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Jongwoon told me to call when we’d get there and I still haven’t.”

“_Oh shit _ indeed,” Kyuhyun joins in, startled by Ryeowook’s sudden panic. “The guy’s probably pulling his hair out right now.”

“I hope he’s not too worried,” Ryeowook mumbles as he puts his phone to his ear, waiting for Jongwoon to pick up.

Which he does almost right away, as if he’d been waiting by the phone all this time. Which he probably has—Ryeowook wouldn’t be surprised by it.

“Is everything alright ? Are you okay ?” Jongwoon bombards him immediately, not bothering to say hello first.

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” Ryeowook confirms. “Sorry I’m calling so late. We stopped by Kyuhyun’s parents’ place and I completely forgot. I’m so sorry for making you worry.”

Ryeowook hears a huge sigh of relief on Jongwoon’s side—oh no. He really got worried, which prompts the boy to wonder why his boyfriend didn’t call to check up on him for a minute before remembering that Jongwoon once told him he really wasn’t the type of person to keep tabs every hour of the day. He probably spent that entire time trying to convince himself everything was fine and that there was a good reason preventing Ryeowook from calling.

“I’m just glad you’re alright,” Jongwoon reassures him. The last thing he wants is to make Ryeowook feel guilty right now. “How are you feeling ?”

“... weird,” Ryeowook admits after a short pause. “This place doesn’t really feel like home anymore.” Not that it ever truly had, but for the longest time, it had been the closest thing to one that he knew; but Jongwoon is his home now, so this place feels even stranger to him. “I already miss you.”

“I’m always just a call away,” Jongwoon comforts him.

“And a four-hour drive from here,” Ryeowook jokes. “But I’m okay, for now. Thank you for being there for me even if—”

Ryeowook gets interrupted by a knock on the door, which makes him panic; he knows his mom is on the other side about to enter the room, and he nearly trips when he and Kyuhyun hurry to get up from the bed.

Jongwoon is frowning on the other side, though Ryeowook obviously can’t see it. All he’s hearing is shuffling and some light thumping, and he’s growing increasingly confused and worried as to what’s happening and why Ryeowook stopped talking mid-sentence like that.

“I have to go,” Ryeowook stutters. “I’ll call you later. Love you.”

He then hangs up without letting Jongwoon respond, and just as his mom enters the room, he gets a text from his boyfriend—just a series of question marks, inquiring about what the hell is going on at the moment and why he cut off their call in such a hurry. Ryeowook unfortunately has to leave him on read for now.

“Dinner’s ready,” Mrs Cho announces. Both boys can tell she’s suspicious about the fact that she’s just found them standing on either side of the inflatable mattress, stiff as bricks, but thankfully she doesn’t comment on it.

Kyuhyun nods at her to let her know they’re coming and she can leave, shooting Ryeowook a worried look when she disappears into the hallway.

They’ve been able to avoid Ryeowook’s stepdad up until then, but they know now meeting up with him is inevitable. What they have no idea about is what’s going to happen when they come face-to-face with him, because Bang Sikyung is kind of unpredictable; Kyuhyun’s presence might tame him a little, or it might not and just make it worse depending on his mood.

Ryeowook loses his appetite completely the minute they step into the dining room and his eyes lock onto his stepdad’s sitting at the other end of the table; if it hadn’t been for Kyuhyun’s silent encouragement and reassurance that _ he’s right there _ if anything happens, he would’ve probably stayed frozen in place in the hallway the entire time. The man’s gaze is cold and judging, but his silence is a good sign, weirdly enough—as long as Ryeowook doesn’t provoke him, he might get away with just a few side glances, though it’s much easier said than done. Mr Bang is known to be quite volatile if irked by something.

Kyuhyun and Sikyung both acknowledge each other’s presence with a simple nod—the latter being sincere and the former almost passive-aggressive—as Kyuhyun purposely sits on the spot next to the man to keep Ryeowook as far away as possible from him. It does mean that the boy is further away from the food resting in the middle of the three others, though, so Kyuhyun decides to help him out by preparing his plate for him, something Sikyung apparently takes offense to, if the frown on his face is anything to go by.

“He can do it himself,” Sikyung snaps, voice relatively calm but sharp.

“I know,” Kyuhyun affirms, pretending as though he has no idea what the hidden meaning behind the man’s words actually is. “It doesn’t mean I can’t be nice and do him a favor though, does it ?”

Kyuhyun’s politeness completely covers the passive-aggressive nature of his comment. Sikyung groans in defeat, forced to concede the point over to the boy—Kyuhyun truly has a way to deal with the man, and Ryeowook couldn’t be more thankful for him agreeing to come along with him.

As usual, his mom remains completely silent, though it shows on her face that she’s uncomfortable with her husband’s attitude. She wasn’t the most supportive of him regarding his interests and sexuality—mostly that last one—adopting a similar mindset as her own mother had where she would not-so-secretly hope it was just a phase that Ryeowook would grow out of eventually. She never made any comment on it, and unlike his grandmother, she never asked about a girlfriend either, but Ryeowook just _ knows_. Though he also knows that despite it, she does love him; but the fact that she spares no effort trying to understand and accept him or to defend him made him question the quality of that love, even to this day.

Ryeowook has trouble swallowing down his food once Kyuhyun hands him his plate. Everyone is uncomfortable, the silence crushing them like half a dozen elephants sat on their shoulders and making it almost hard to breathe. Unable to take this any longer, Mrs Cho breaks the silence by clearing up her throat and turning to her husband to address him.

“Is your brother still coming to help with the setup for tomorrow ?”

“Supposed to,” Sikyung shrugs.

“We still have so much to do,” Eunsil sighs. “I still haven’t picked the flowers to lay on her casket.”

“Did you know flowers have a language ?” Ryeowook chimes in despite him.

He remembers the talk he had with Jongwoon about it when he gave him the lotus flower pendant he’s wearing right now, and he can’t help getting a little excited about it. His excitement dies down very quickly, though, now that he’s brought everyone’s attention over to him.

“I learned about some of it recently,” he clarifies, mumbling out of embarrassment and shyness. “I think it would be nice if we picked something meaningful to her…”

“I’m not well versed in this,” Eunsil replies. “Do you think you can handle it ?”

Ryeowook nods. To be honest, he’s happy that his mom asked him to do it—it’s definitely a surprise, but not an unpleasant one at all. He was scared for a second that she would just dismiss him, but it looks like she has decided to step up her game and be nicer to him.

“You’re not seriously going to encourage him to pick _ flowers _ ?” Sikyung opposes, in complete shock at his wife and sounding genuinely disgusted at the idea. “He should be helping with the tent and the tables for the buffet after the burial.”

“I think it’s a good idea to honor her life like that,” Kyuhyun chips in to defend his friend, whose morale has just been crushed once again by Sikyung’s unwanted opinion. “I can help with the tent and the other stuff.”

If Ryeowook had lost his appetite before, he’s now too nauseous to finish his plate, leaving his chopsticks to the side and closing in on himself. He regrets even opening his mouth to speak now. He already has so much to deal with and he’s barely able to cope with his grandmother’s passing, and he’s now being ridiculed for wanting to do something that would actually make him happy—he knew coming here was a terrible idea, and he wonders why he was stubborn enough to go through with it.

He wants Jongwoon. He wants him to be there so he could whisk him away, to tell him everything will be alright, to protect him and even to tell his stepdad to fuck off; if it weren’t for the love he still holds for his grandmother, Ryeowook would’ve asked Kyuhyun to take him back to Seoul right then and there. The fact that he still has to deal with this for three days makes his stomach churn even more—he just wants to lock himself up in his room and cry.

He’s too sensitive at the moment to deal with this shit.

Kyuhyun is holding his chopsticks so hard in his fist that he hears one of them crack under the pressure. Fuck, he’s mad. Ryeowook doesn’t deserve this type of treatment at all, and he doesn’t understand why Sikyung makes such a big deal out of everything. He’s so bothered by the fact that Ryeowook doesn’t conform to his idea of a man and it’s seriously unhealthy, both for him and everyone around. He wishes he could tell the guy that none of this fucking matters and no sane person actually gives a shit, but he knows it’ll only cause him to get kicked out and forced to leave Ryeowook alone in this hellhole.

He knows it can get so much worse than that and he fears that it will, if this is the first day and Sikyung is already at Ryeowook’s throat over bullshit like that. Ryeowook knows it too, which is why he’s so bummed out about everything now.

Shaking, Ryeowook stands up to excuse himself from the table and leaves before he can hear his stepdad say anything else. Kyuhyun stays behind to ensure that things don’t escalate, because he’s very aware that Sikyung isn’t against making things physical—he has in the past, and whether Kyuhyun is there or not probably won’t do a damn thing if the man is angered enough.

“There he goes, running away from his problems as usual,” Sikyung mutters bitterly to himself. “How is he supposed to handle the real world if he’s not gonna act like a man ?”

“He’s already doing great for himself,” Kyuhyun counters. “But I guess you have no way to know, since you’re not around to see it.”

Kyuhyun somehow manages to make it sound like he’s giving them an excuse rather than a reproach, so Ryeowook’s parents don’t take it the wrong way for the most part. Sikyung is still visibly annoyed, but he shuts up for once, though it doesn’t last very long.

“I’ll go check up on him,” Kyuhyun announces as he gets up.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Sikyung dismisses. “He’ll come around and stop being a drama queen soon enough.”

“Of course,” Kyuhyun humors him, lips pursed. “I’m still going. Thanks for the food.”

Kyuhyun finds Ryeowook on his bed, curled up in a ball with his back facing the door, when he walks into the room. By precaution, he locks the door behind him—he doesn’t hear any sound coming from his friend, so he figures that he’s not crying, at least for now. It’s a small relief but it does nothing in the grand scheme of things, because the boy is still extremely upset, and so is he.

Without a word, Kyuhyun walks up to him and climbs on the bed behind him. He stays close, facing Ryeowook’s back, and drapes his arms around his middle, spooning him. It’s definitely weird for the both of them, much more for Kyuhyun than for Ryeowook, but the taller man ignores his discomfort because his friend might need this right now, and he wants him to know he’s there for him any way he can.

“I’m your dad now,” Kyuhyun exclaims. “You have no say in it.”

His joke makes Ryeowook chuckle—only once, and it’s short lived, but it’s still a win in Kyuhyun’s book.

“You’re so dumb,” Ryeowook huffs.

“You still love me,” Kyuhyun teases. “I know it.”

“I don’t know what I’d be doing without you right now,” Ryeowook breathes. It’s his way of agreeing with him without flat out saying it. “Thank you. For being here with me.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night if I left you alone with these assholes,” Kyuhyun states.

“I don’t know if _ I’ll _ be able to sleep tonight,” Ryeowook claims. He’s still upset about this whole thing despite Kyuhyun’s jokes and attempts at distracting him.

“What if I pull out my laptop and we watch some boring low-rated movie ?” Kyuhyun suggests, already getting ready to grab his laptop from his bag. “Maybe the boredom you’ll get from it will be enough.”

“We can try,” Ryeowook shrugs after a moment.

Now with Ryeowook’s approval, Kyuhyun rolls off of the bed to get to his bag, which he’s left at the foot of his, to retrieve his laptop. His sister wasn’t exactly wrong when she implied that he couldn’t be separated from video games—he’s just not as extreme as to bring his consoles with him, but going away from home for more than a day without his laptop is definitely asking too much of him.

Squatting down to pull it out from the bag, Kyuhyun gets the sudden idea to throw Ryeowook his own bag without a prior warning, taking the boy by surprise who jumps a little when it lands right in front of his crossed legs on the bed. He cocks an eyebrow as he stares at his friend almost in disbelief, but mostly in confusion because he doesn’t understand what Kyuhyun has in mind by doing that.

“You should change into more comfortable clothes while I try and find something,” Kyuhyun simply explains before Ryeowook can ask anything.

It’s a good idea, Ryeowook thinks. If Kyuhyun’s plan actually does work—he _ has _ a history of falling asleep halfway through a movie if he’s cocooned into a warm blanket and watching it in the dark—at least he won’t have to sleep in his current clothes or be forced to potentially ruin it by having to get up to change. Kyuhyun really _ is _ a father figure to him despite them being the same age; he used to only joke about it before, but it’s hitting him right now just how true it actually is. His friend may be even more emotionally constipated than Jongwoon is and very awkward at handling sensitive situations, but ever since they’ve met and befriended each other, he’s always been there to take care of him in his own way whenever he would need it. So would Sungmin, though his approach was a lot more intense and quite a bit paranoid at times. But he loves them both equally. He’s just more inclined to open up to Kyuhyun because he knows he won’t freak out and try to help him rationalize things unlike Sungmin who might end up accidentally throwing oil into the fire.

In any case, Ryeowook feels lucky he has people like them in his life. There are days where he doesn’t think he deserves this kind of treatment, and others where he doesn’t understand why anyone would be as whipped as they both are for him—and he figures he could throw Jongwoon into the mix too, since it’s pretty much the same thing for him—but in the end, he’s always thankful for it.

Smiling to himself, Ryeowook opens his bag in search of his pyjamas, diving in blindly since he doesn’t really know what Jongwoon chose for him. The first thing he comes across when unzipping it is Jongwoon’s red hoodie, sitting atop the rest of his clothes; his heart clenches at the sight, both in adoration and longing. He already misses him and they’ve only been separated for about eight hours now. It doesn’t help that it smells like him, too, but it’s also for that reason that he decides to put it on, hoping it could eventually lull him to sleep.

He can’t help but chuckle, albeit a little painfully, when he realizes Jongwoon has picked his own clothes for Ryeowook to wear for sleep. The oversized white shirt he’s stolen from him and a pair of boxers—the red one with the pizza prints on it, which he’s always found kind of adorable and kind of hilarious given Jongwoon really doesn’t look like someone who would wear this sort of thing. But that’s what he loves the most about him—the fact that he always subverts all of his expectations and still manages to surprise him every day. Of course, it’s not like they’ve been together for years either, but they’ve essentially been spending every waking moment with each other since May; Ryeowook would think by now that he would be able to predict the man’s actions, but Jongwoon is and always has been kind of a mystery to him.

Hiding himself under the covers to switch his underwear to Jongwoon’s—he may feel comfortable enough to change in front of Kyuhyun, but not _ that _ comfortable—Ryeowook gets dressed, too focused on what he’s doing to pay attention to his friend who’s also doing the same while browsing through the romance category on Netflix, something he knows has the highest chance of boring the both of them to death. Ryeowook is definitely more into cheesy stuff than he is, but besides the great classics, his friend isn’t interested in cliché romance dramas with two main leads who share obviously fake chemistry with each other.

He skips over the ones Siwon has starred in, though, because he’s so starstruck with him that he could go through the most painful movies to watch and actually enjoy it just because he plays the lead. He’s amazing enough of an actor to make even the stalest plot interesting.

“How does a movie about a single guy having to raise his sister’s daughter after her death who will obviously have a useless romance story with her teacher sound ?” Kyuhyun calls as he skims through the summary and the teaser to see what it’s about.

“Awful,” Ryeowook responds.

“Perfect,” the taller man exclaims before joining Ryeowook on the bed.

It’s an American movie, Ryeowook notices immediately, and it doesn’t offer an option for Korean dubbing—only subtitles, which he’s used to by now, though he sometimes has trouble keeping up with everything if the dialogue happens too quickly. And his English is terrible, so he can’t count on his understanding of it to put the missing pieces together, which is even more perfect for Kyuhyun’s plan of boring him to death.

So it’s not surprising when the mix of the warmth provided to him by the covers and Kyuhyun—whom he’s leaning against—and Jongwoon’s scent tickling his nose thanks to his hoodie eventually. Feeling Ryeowook’s body grow heavier against him, Kyuhyun decides to end the movie where they are and let his friend fall asleep properly, gently helping him to lie down before he joins his own bed on the floor. He would’ve slept with Ryeowook under normal circumstances, but even if the door is locked, he doesn’t want to risk getting caught in the morning by whatever means; he’s not scared for his own safety, but he definitely is for Ryeowook’s who’s a lot more sensitive than he is and gets really affected by his stepdad’s unwanted comments.

As drowsy and tired as he is, Ryeowook doesn’t manage to fall asleep. He turns and twists in every direction on the bed, but no position seems comfortable enough for him. He’s gotten so used to falling asleep cuddled up to Jongwoon that it feels so _ wrong _ to lie on an empty bed; a bed that’s too big for him and too cold—but not the freezing type of cold. It’s the type that creeps up on you slowly but surely; the type that you don’t see coming, but that seizes you at the core when it reaches you to rip you apart from the inside. The type that makes it hard to breathe and brings along a crippling feeling of loneliness that suffocates you, and before he knows it, Ryeowook is left desperately gasping for air. He feels as though he’s drowning, and nothing around him feels familiar to him at all. He knows where he is, but everything about it feels wrong and trying to remind himself that he’s just in his childhood bedroom only seems to worsen his case, because now all he can think of is tomorrow; a tomorrow where he’ll have to face his parents and their disapproval again, where he’ll have to deal with his stepdad constantly putting him down and feeding into his insecurities, where he’ll be forced to confront the passing of someone who used to mean the world to him and whose relationship he had with comes with so much guilt, and all of this without the only thing that truly makes him feel safe and at home.

He can almost feel the overflow of adrenaline pumping through his veins when his heartbeat picks up, taking up so much energy that it makes it even harder for him to breathe; his thoughts, no longer rational, keep sending him the message that he’s unsafe, that he’s in danger, and he’s so distraught and helpless that the only thing he can do is to start crying, body shooting up in alert but refusing to move further. He manages to bring his knees up to his chest before he completely freezes, now stuck in this position as he violently starts shaking—he’s so lost and out of touch with reality that he can’t hear Kyuhyun calling out his name or see him approach him. He can’t even feel his touch when his friend grabs him by the arms in an attempt to stabilize him and get his attention, which ultimately fails and only worsens things when Ryeowook, unable to control his actions, rejects Kyuhyun’s embrace and forcefully jerks his hands away. He starts furiously coughing shortly after, his erratic breathing causing his lungs to spasm as they try to find some sort of rhythm.

It only causes the boy to cry even harder, though, because now his mental pain has split and one half turned physical. He’s had bouts of anxiety before, but this is the first time his state of panic goes beyond mildly shaking. He’s so disoriented, and he’s apparently lost his ability to distinguish between what’s real and what isn’t. Around him is nothing—just a void made of shapeless blobs jumping in all directions and making him feel dizzier and dizzier the more time passes.

It’s making Kyuhyun panic, too, because although he can identify what’s happening as Ryeowook having a panic attack, he has no fucking clue how to stop it and it’s making him freak out; his friend’s state is only getting progressively worse and he’s afraid that he’ll end up having to call an ambulance either for an asthma or a heart attack. He’s also terrified that it’ll catch the attention of Ryeowook’s parents, and their presence alone has a high chance of fucking things up even more.

He has no fucking idea what to do, and it’s not like he can hold Ryeowook to try and ground him back to reality either—just touching him made things worse and the boy isn’t listening to him. He can’t do that right now.

“You’ve been obsessively checking your phone every two minutes since I got here,” Heechul comments before taking another sip from his beer bottle. “It’s not polite to do that when you have guests over.”

“You invited yourself,” Jongwoon retorts, finally putting his phone on the coffee table in front of him with a defeated sigh. “I don’t think you count as a guest.”

“You texted the group chat that Ryeowook left for his hometown for a couple of days,” Heechul reminds him. “I know how much you hate being alone. I couldn’t leave you to yourself and your dumbass thoughts for that long.”

“Thanks for the support,” Jongwoon rolls his eyes. His friend is right, though; he knows very well that being alone, in this situation _ especially_, is just about the worst thing he could do right now.

“You’re very welcome,” Heechul smirks. He’s trying to remain in a light and positive mood because he knows Jongwoon isn’t in the brightest of places at the moment. Since he’s told him about meeting up with Hyukjae, Heechul’s worry only grew tenfold—and knowing Ryeowook left him so soon after their reunion was the last line for him.

No way he was going to let his best friend wallow in his own pain, not if he could help it. Out of the two of them, Jongwoon’s always been the strongest physically—Heechul has lost count of how many times the guy saved his ass from tricky situations, one of which included an abusive ex-boyfriend who honestly deserved the beat up he got from Jongwoon when he learned about what he did. But he’s also been the most emotionally fragile, despite the appearances.

Jongwoon doesn’t usually get attached to people easily and this for a very good reason. He’s a ride-or-die type of person, and when he does fall for someone, he falls _ hard_; especially when the other person manages to fill the hole in him left by a lifetime of feeling alienated for never fitting in. Jongwoon’s always been a very unique type of character, one who didn’t care to conform to any norm or to try and hide his true self from people by fear of being judged and ostracized. But it came with a heavy price to pay—as accepting as he’s always been of others as long as they weren’t blatant assholes, the fact that he’s never found someone who truly could understand him, his motives, his thoughts and feelings and who could love him for all of that made him feel extremely lonely.

Even Heechul, who’s known him since they were four, who grew up with him and experienced things most friends wouldn’t even consider doing together, never fully managed to crack him down. There are many things he still doesn’t understand about his friend—the fact that he’s so emotionally closed off despite not caring about what other people think of him being one of them, because it looks like a complete contradiction in his eyes. Jongwoon has always been full of contradictions, many of which Heechul had no explanation for, but it’s gotten exponentially worse lately, both due to Hyukjae’s abuse and Ryeowook fucking up with his perception of life entirely.

Though Heechul wholeheartedly supports his relationship with Ryeowook since Jongwoon does genuinely look happy with him—and the fact that he’s not toxic or manipulative like all of his exes were—he wishes his friend would’ve given himself time to heal before jumping into another relationship. He knew Jongwoon felt broken at the time, and most likely still does today, and that whenever he went through a break up, he’d try to temporarily fill in the void with meaningless hookups just to seek the illusion that he wasn’t alone. But since the beginning, he’s feared that the reason Jongwoon got so attached to Ryeowook so easily and so quickly despite it being completely out of character for the man was due to the hole left behind by Hyukjae being much bigger than any other he’s ever had. He’s feared that he’s held on to Ryeowook because the boy is everything Hyukjae wasn’t and that, once he finally makes sense of his feelings, ends up heartbroken again.

Jongwoon has the same fear as he does; that he’s living an illusion again and that it’ll come crashing down on him eventually. He’s told him exactly that some time ago, and though Heechul brushed it off at the time because he saw what disapproving of his relationship did to his family and didn’t want to lose him too, deep down, he understood where Jongwoon was coming from and agreed with it wholeheartedly.

And losing him, whether it be by their friendship ending or other means he doesn’t even want to think about, is and has always been Heechul’s biggest fear. Jongwoon is more than a metaphorical brother to him. He’s his platonic soulmate; he’s a piece of him he’ll hold on to until the end and beyond.

“I just… don’t get it,” Jongwoon sighs, letting himself fall back on the couch.

“What don’t you get ?” Heechul verifies, unsure of what Jongwoon is referring to by ‘it’.

“Everything he did this week,” Jongwoon details. “Why he insisted so much on me meeting Hyukjae despite clearly not wanting me to go. Why he didn’t want me to go with him to Gimhae. What happened over the phone earlier. He usually tells me about these things. Now it’s like… he either doesn’t trust or need me anymore.”

“I can’t tell you about the Hyukjae thing, because even I think it’s weird,” Heechul concedes. “But the most plausible explanation for what concerns his family is that they might be very homophobic.”

“Yeah, I thought of that,” Jongwoon admits. “But I don’t see why it’s a problem. We could’ve gotten a hotel and I could’ve been there to protect and defend him. He should know that. And if it’s the case, I hate that I’m not there with him now and leaving him to deal with that type of bullshit on his own.”

“It’s still his family,” Heechul counters. “Whether he’s close with them or not, it still hurts when they refuse to accept you for who you are. He probably wanted to avoid upsetting them.”

“That’s the most bullshit excuse you could’ve come up with,” Jongwoon declares, letting out a bitter chuckle to stifle his growing anger. “I know some people think this way, but whether they get upset or not won’t change the fact that their son is gay. They’re gonna be forced to accept it one way or another if they don’t want to lose their child. If he’d told me… I could’ve reassured him. I don’t know why he didn’t. God, he probably feels awful right now…”

“What other option could it be ?” Heechul questions, wanting to show Jongwoon the _ homophobic family _ scenario is just about the only thing that makes any sense here.

“I don’t know,” Jongwoon shrugs, sighing in frustration. “Shame ? Fear that I’ll fuck up somehow and that his parents will disapprove ? Or that they’ll think the age gap is creepy ?”

“I think you’re getting ahead of yourself there,” Heechul stops him. “First of all, shame ? Throw that out the window. I don’t know him very well but someone who lets their boyfriend cling to them and looks happy about it at a party full of strangers doesn’t look like shame to me. Second, fuck up how ? Moms fucking love you and you’re the one who scares the dads into approving the relationship. Finally, the age gap thing—you’re both adults. Has Ryeowook ever made a comment about being uncomfortable that you’re older than him ?”

“No, but I know some people who would think it’s weird,” Jongwoon argues. “Namely, one of his friends made a huge fuss about it. Even threatened to beat me up for it.”

“Wait, really ?” Heechul exclaims.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon chuckles despite him. He’s welcoming this slight change of subject.

“What did you do ?”

“I forgave him,” Jongwoon deadpans. “After putting oil onto the fire by making him listen to me fucking Ryeowook over the phone.”

“For a second you had me scared,” Heechul dramatically breathes out in relief. “Forgiving someone without being petty first ? Doesn’t sound like you.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be friends with the guy or even get along with him beyond basic courtesy,” Jongwoon continues. “But he’s important to Ryeowook and he was really hurt when he caught us arguing, so I owe Sungmin at least the bare minimum to make it easy for him.”

“You really do love him, don’t you ?” Heechul reflects.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon confesses after a pause, in a tone that almost makes it sound like he can’t believe he’s just said that. “I just… can’t tell him I do.”

Heechul frowns. He’s very aware of Jongwoon’s problem with this particular thing and how it’s caused problems in the past, so he’s not exactly surprised by it. He is, however, worried about the fact that it’s still a problem now and that unlike before, it actually sounds like Jongwoon _ is _ upset about it.

“Do you know why ?” Heechul doesn’t really expect a detailed answer—he mostly anticipates Jongwoon to tell him he doesn’t know, because introspection has never been one of his strengths.

“Sort of, I think,” Jongwoon replies, though he doesn’t sound sure of his own claims. “I want to tell him, but whenever I try, it’s like it physically gets stuck in my throat and I can’t force it out. I think it’s just… probably because the only other person I thought I loved caused so much damage that I have trouble associating Ryeowook with that word. I know it’s stupid and it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the only explanation I could find for it. I don’t think I’ll be able to tell him as long as I can’t accept that the love I felt for Hyukjae was just a lie. It’s just… difficult. But what he told me when we met makes a lot of sense.”

“You never ended up telling me how it went,” Heechul reminds him. “What did he say ?”

“That what we had was obsession,” Jongwoon recalls. “I thought meeting up with him would just end in disaster, but I’m glad I did. He’s changed a lot and he looks a lot better and happier than when we were together. And our conversation opened my eyes on a lot of things, though it’s gonna take me some time to make sense of all of it.”

“Does Ryeowook know ?”

“No,” Jongwoon shakes his head. “I wanted to stay really vague about it because I thought it would upset him more to know I don’t hate my ex anymore. He already looked upset enough when I left.”

“Why did you go if you knew he was lying ?” Heechul questions him then—Jongwoon was always the type to think of his partner first, so it makes absolutely no sense to him why he would do something _ knowing _ it would upset Ryeowook if he went through with it.

“Because he insisted,” Jongwoon simply responds. “Even if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, he must’ve made that choice for a reason. What that reason is exactly, I don’t know. But I decided to trust him and his intentions. I would’ve felt like I was breaking that trust if I doubted him.”

“Makes sense—”

Heechul is cut off by Jongwoon’s ringtone going off out of nowhere, startling the both of them. Expecting it to be Ryeowook calling him before bed—and to explain why he suddenly put an end to their call and never got back to him after that—Jongwoon almost leaps to grab his phone on the coffee table. He ends up staring at the screen in confusion when a black screen with an unregistered number he doesn’t recognize pops up, but he still answers anyway, just in case it’s important.

What he hears on the other end of the line is both confusing and absolutely terrifying—there’s heavy panting and distant crying in the background, and though it takes him a moment to register who those sobs belong to, his heart immediately drops into his chest as if it just knew right away.

“Hello ?” Jongwoon calls out hesitantly, fearing the worst. Heechul stares at him in worry, not understanding what’s going on, but the expression of pure terror on his friend’s face is enough to scare him too.

“Jongwoon, dude, I know I’m asking a lot but you need to come here,” the voice on the other end frantically speaks.

“Kyuhyun ?” Jongwoon checks, already getting up from his seat. “What’s going on ? What happened ?”

He doesn’t wait for Kyuhyun to respond before heading to the door, where he’s left his own emergency travel bag _ just in case_—he took the time to plan ahead were he ever needed, and fuck is he glad he worried enough to think of doing that.

“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun answers, forcing himself to sound as calm as possible despite the circumstances. “One second he was fine and the next he was freaking out and having a panic attack— I tried everything I could to calm him down but I couldn’t do anything in the end. You’re my last hope before the ambulance.”

_ Fuck. Shit. Goddammit. Every curse under the sun_—Gimhae is a four-hour drive from Seoul, which although he’s absolutely ready to make, means Ryeowook will have to wait this long for him to arrive and he can’t stand the idea of his baby suffering more than he already is. He knows Kyuhyun enough to be certain that he wouldn’t have called him in complete panic to ask him to _ drive across the country at eleven at night _ unless it was an actual emergency, and it just makes everything so much fucking worse for him.

“Stay with him,” Jongwoon instructs him as he hurries to put his shoes on. “I’m gonna call you back when I get in my car. Tell him I’m coming.”

“Alright,” Kyuhyun nods. “Thanks, man.”

Jongwoon hangs up then, shoving his phone in his pocket as he turns to face an extremely distraught Heechul standing a few metres away from him.

“What’s going on ?” Heechul asks.

“I don’t—” Jongwoon pants. Fuck. He’s already shaking. “It’s Ryeowook. I need to go to him.”

“In Gimhae ?”

“Where the fuck else ?” Though he’s cursing, Jongwoon isn’t angry at his friend. He’s honestly just freaking out and on the verge of breaking—he even has trouble keeping his hold on his bag’s strap as he throws it over his shoulder. “I can’t leave him alone when he needs me. I don’t care if he’s on the other side of the country or across the ocean.”

“I get it,” Heechul gives in. He knows there’s no way he can change his mind, and he doesn’t feel like trying at all either. He knows that despite the circumstances, it’s best for both Jongwoon and Ryeowook to be together right now to prevent the distance from causing a rift to form between them with all that’s been happening recently. “But please stay safe on the road.”

“I’ll try,” Jongwoon assures him.

Trying is a big word, however, because even _ he _ is sure that there’s very little chance of him respecting the speed limit unless he’s forced to by traffic—which he guesses will be light given what time it is, at least once he’s made it out of Seoul.

“You can crash here if you want,” Jongwoon tells him before bolting down the hallway to the staircase, not wanting to waste any more time.

He’s panting heavily by the time he makes it to his car, and his first course of action after turning the engine on is to dial back Kyuhyun’s number through his dashboard. He doesn’t wait for the boy to pick up before he backs up into the street and speeds toward the city. Kyuhyun picks up rather quickly, having waited by the phone this whole time—Jongwoon can still hear Ryeowook crying in the background, and his grip on the wheel tightens.

“How is he ?”

“Stable but not getting better,” Kyuhyun observes.

“Put me on speaker,” Jongwoon demands. His command is a double-edged sword, though, because while it means Ryeowook can hear him, he can now hear very clearly just how scared and hurt his baby is, and it absolutely breaks his heart.

For a minute, Jongwoon doesn’t even know what to say. He’s never seen Ryeowook in such a state, the closest to it being that one time he went through subdrop two months ago—but he’d been there to hold him then, something he’s unable to do right now.

“Wookie,” he hears Kyuhyun call out softly on the other end of the line, breaking the silence for him. “Jongwoon is on the phone for you.”

The loud sobs calm down at the announcement, at least enough to notice a difference. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but the important part now is to not let things get worse than they are.

“Hey, angel,” Jongwoon speaks softly, though his voice slightly shakes and almost cracks due to anxiety. Ryeowook doesn’t answer, but it’s not like Jongwoon expected him to. “I know things are very scary and confusing right now, but I’m on my way, okay ?”

Jongwoon then stops for a moment, pondering over his next move—he knows the best way to get Ryeowook to calm down is to put him in subspace, but he’s afraid of doing that when he’s not around to take care of him; he’ll have to rely heavily on Kyuhyun for that, and he has no clue the extent of the guy’s knowledge about their relationship. Normally, he wouldn’t purposely put Ryeowook in an embarrassing situation and expose him like this, but he considers this to be a special case.

Ryeowook can beat his ass for it once it’s all over if he wants to, but right now, he has no fucks to give besides getting the boy to calm down.

“Kyuhyun, I might make you very uncomfortable for the next few hours,” Jongwoon at least warns him—he honestly feels extremely awkward involving a third party into this, but he doesn’t have a choice.

“Look, as long as it helps him, I can handle it,” Kyuhyun assures him.

He’s very aware of the nature of their relationship, anyway, and he also knows how this sort of stuff works—sex and BDSM aren’t things that scare or make him uncomfortable in general. It might be a different thing since it’s about Ryeowook this time around, but he’d honestly be exponentially more uncomfortable having to sit there, powerless to do anything to help Ryeowook, than to be forced to listen to Jongwoon call himself _ daddy _ or some other things of the sort, whatever it is the man has in mind.

Jongwoon exhales sharply; _ God_, he’s glad it’s Kyuhyun who’s there with Ryeowook and not Sungmin.

“Baby, if you can, I need you to listen to me,” Jongwoon gathers the courage to speak, trying to pretend as if Heechul were the person on the other end with Ryeowook instead of Kyuhyun. “I’m gonna ask you something really difficult, and it’s okay if you can’t do it. I’m on my way, but it’ll take some time for me to be there. I’m going as quickly as I can, but in the meantime, I need you to be brave and wait for me, okay ?”

Kyuhyun honestly expected worse than just Jongwoon talking to Ryeowook like he’s a child with the way the man set it up, but just that seems to have an enormous effect on Ryeowook’s state. He seems a lot more aware than he’d been even just a few minutes ago—he’s still shaking and struggling to breathe, and tears are still streaming down his cheeks, but aside from sniffling and heavy pants, he’s relatively silent now. There’s the occasional hiccup slipping through, but nothing as alarming as it had been previously.

Jongwoon cringes before he even opens his mouth to speak, both out of slight embarrassment at the thought of asking this and out of possessiveness, but he has to force himself to painfully swallow it all for Ryeowook’s sake.

“Kyuhyun, are you comfortable with stroking his hair ?” He feels like throwing up for so many reasons. Nothing he’s asking is inappropriate or sexual, even if he were the one doing it—at least to him, it’s not anything like that—but the thought of anyone touching _ his _ baby like this makes him sick to his stomach.

He really does have complete blind trust in Kyuhyun, he fully realizes now.

“Huh, yeah, sure,” Kyuhyun stutters. He’s not uncomfortable by any means—well, maybe a little bit—but he’s definitely quite shocked that Jongwoon would ask him something like that.

Kyuhyun expects Ryeowook to slap his hand away for a second, but he does nothing in the end. He gets no indication—no reaction, no look, no movement—that this is doing anything, but at least it’s not making things worse and at this point that’s all he’s asking for.

“Can you take a deep breath for me ? Through the nose,” Jongwoon continues. Ryeowook does listen this time, and he can hear him do as he’s asked, albeit his breathing is jerky and uneven. “Yeah, that’s it. You’re doing great. Hold it for a few seconds if you can, and then slowly breathe out through your mouth.”

Without taking his eyes off the road, Jongwoon tries to focus his hearing on the call, waiting for Ryeowook to follow his instructions before he says anything else.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon encourages him. “Can you do it again ?”

Ryeowook’s breathing sounds a little more stable this time. It’s a huge relief both for Jongwoon and Kyuhyun, who are starting to feel the heavy weight and tension slowly lift off of their shoulders.

“I’m so proud of you, angel,” Jongwoon adds to his praises. “Keep doing it until you feel calm again, okay ?”

Ryeowook nods at the phone, though Jongwoon can’t see it. Kyuhyun takes it as a cue to stop petting his hair and leave his friend to obey Jongwoon’s words—he’s still shaking, but he looks better, and he’s able to give answers now, although non-verbal ones. It’s good. Kyuhyun definitely feels much better about calling Jongwoon now. He hesitated for a long time before he did, knowing that asking him to come would cause a lot of problems, but he was worried and panicking too and it was the only solution he had in mind besides calling 112 and getting the paramedics involved.

He also has to admit that he’s in awe at how easy it was for Jongwoon to get Ryeowook to calm down, and all that over the phone rather than in person—and even though he now knows how to do it, he doesn’t think him trying that would have nearly the same effect. He understands now what Ryeowook means when he says Jongwoon makes him feel safe and always takes good care of him, and he’s honestly glad his friend found someone like him because he deserves to be happy. He knew he made a good call trusting the guy from the beginning despite not knowing him very well.

Jongwoon stays over the phone with Ryeowook and Kyuhyun the entire way there, speaking to his boyfriend as softly as he could to get him to relax and reassure him that he was coming and getting updates from his friend on his state. He only ends the call when he gets to Gimhae, around three in the morning, after asking Kyuhyun for the address so he can input it into his GPS and almost speeding his way there.

It’s dark out and the street lights do very little to illuminate anything past the sidewalks, so Jongwoon doesn’t immediately spot the two boys waiting for him sitting on the small step of the porch until he pulls up in front of Ryeowook’s parents’ house—his in-laws’, now that he thinks about it.

Ryeowook’s got a blanket wrapped around his whole body, and even from where he is, Jongwoon can tell how tired he is; he doesn’t seem to have recognized his car or even be completely aware that it’s there. He’s leaning against Kyuhyun who’s rubbing at his back, his attention shifting from the boy over to Jongwoon when the latter steps out of the car almost as soon as he cuts off the engine to run up to Ryeowook, dazed out of his mind.

Kyuhyun scoots to the side to leave Jongwoon enough room to take the boy into his arms, supporting himself on one knee in front of him so he could be down at his level; Ryeowook doesn’t respond to his embrace right away, but he nonetheless melts into it out of pure instinct, drawn in by Jongwoon’s energy and magnetism engraved forever into his subconscious. Jongwoon is shaking as his hold on his boyfriend tightens, the anxiety he’s been bottling up this whole time threatening to break him in half—he’s so glad he’s okay, though it doesn’t seem he’s completely recovered from his panic attack yet.

With a trembling hand, Jongwoon reaches up to stroke Ryeowook’s cheek fondly once he draws back to take a better look at his face and gently brushes his bangs back with the other; God he’s missed him so much, though he wishes they would’ve reunited under much different circumstances.

Ryeowook leans into his touch, but he doesn’t speak—he hasn’t said a word since the beginning, not even over the phone, only giving nods or a shake of the head that Kyuhyun had to relay over to him each time. Jongwoon doesn’t want to force him either, knowing very well what it’s like to be in that state. He’s unfortunately well-acquainted with panic attacks; he’s pretty sure he’s actually got some type of anxiety disorder, though he’s always thought he had it under control enough to justify not seeking help for it.

“Did something happen ?” Jongwoon questions Kyuhyun, turning his head to look at the guy.

He didn’t want to prod Kyuhyun further over the phone, his focus entirely dedicated to making sure Ryeowook was okay—and he knows the other boy has told him he doesn’t know what went on since Ryeowook seemed fine just a few minutes before, but he still wants some more insight on what could’ve triggered all of this.

“Right before he started panicking, no,” Kyuhyun shakes his head. “We watched a movie and he fell asleep before it ended. It came out of nowhere when I went to bed too.”

“And before that ?”

Kyuhyun’s silence gives him an affirmative answer—something _ did _ happen, and the younger man is hesitating over whether or not he should tell him. On one hand, Kyuhyun does think telling Jongwoon the truth is the best course of action right now, but on the other, he wants to respect Ryeowook’s privacy and wish not to inform the man on what’s going on with his family. And he understands his friend’s point of view. This is a delicate matter that brought them to this place and everyone is already on edge; adding Jongwoon into the mix when his family is as unaccepting as they are will just make things worse, but the man’s there now. It’s a little too late to try and keep hiding the truth that he’ll eventually end up finding out anyway.

Still, Kyuhyun guesses he should still stay vague about it and let Ryeowook explain it to him; he’ll probably be better at convincing Jongwoon not to stab Sikyung in his sleep than he would be.

“He had a disagreement with his stepdad over dinner,” Kyuhyun confesses.

Jongwoon frowns as he pulls Ryeowook in to rest the boy’s head on his chest without looking away from Kyuhyun. “About ?” he inquires then, absentmindedly massaging the back of Ryeowook’s head along with his nape.

“Stupid shit,” Kyuhyun answers through gritted teeth. Just thinking about it makes him mad.

He’s been raised in a loving and supportive household; he was taught his entire life not to judge people without knowing them first, and especially not on things they couldn’t change about themselves. Homophobia wasn’t a concept he was familiar with up until he witnessed it firsthand, and even then, it made no fucking sense to him. It’s one of the few things that actually gets his blood boiling—any type of bigotry will do that to him, and even more so if it’s directed at someone he cares about.

“Ryeowook is probably better at explaining things than I am,” Kyuhyun then diverges the subject, hoping it’ll discourage Jongwoon from questioning him further. He’s a terrible liar, and Jongwoon seems to be the type of person who can actually read into your soul and instantly know when you’re not being sincere. “His stepdad is… a special type of character, let’s just say that.”

“Abuse ?” Jongwoon guesses, his protective instincts suddenly kicking in full force—he needs to know if he has to get Ryeowook the hell out of here right away to make sure he’s safe.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun acquiesces, his stomach turning into knots—just thinking about it makes him want to throw up.

Jongwoon’s heart shatters at the confession. Fuck. It feels like someone’s just stabbed him right in the chest just to be aware of it now; he can’t imagine the pain Ryeowook is going through for having to deal with this shit, and not just today—he assumes he’s gone through this for a good part of his childhood too, and he feels both sick and enraged at this discovery.

At least he’s there to protect him now.

“I’m taking you to a hotel,” Jongwoon declares, getting ready to stand up and bolt into the house to retrieve Ryeowook’s bag and get the fuck away from here, but the boy stops him by grabbing onto his sleeve.

Ryeowook shakes his head rapidly, letting him know he’s against that idea for whatever reason Jongwoon can’t understand.

“It’ll be worse if he runs away without warning,” Kyuhyun explains. “If it had been that easy, I would’ve taken him far away from here too.”

Jongwoon fucking hates hearing that, because the thought of letting the boy go back in there is just about the most horrifying thing he can think of now that he has an idea of what’s going on in this hell house. He hates the fact that he has to give the both of them the benefit of the doubt even more, because they probably know better than he does given he was only taught about the matter just a few minutes ago—they’ve known it for years.

Jongwoon stares at the front door with a menacing look, almost as if he were trying to get it to combust into flames with his own mind, and he has to bite down on his tongue to get himself to calm down enough not to let his emotions cloud his judgement.

“After what happened, I’m not letting him go back in there without me,” Jongwoon states—he sounds a lot more upset than he is angry. He feels like he’s failing on his duty to protect Ryeowook and it doesn’t sit well with him one bit.

Kyuhyun knows it’s a terrible idea, but he understands Jongwoon’s motivations and he does believe that it’s what Ryeowook needs at the moment; it’s going to make things much more complicated, but on the bright side, Jongwoon will be there to reassure Ryeowook and prevent what happened tonight to repeat itself. He still isn’t sure what the better scenario is, but he himself doesn’t feel comfortable going back in without Jongwoon.

“You’ll have to sneak out in the morning before his parents wake up,” Kyuhyun warns him.

“I can do that,” Jongwoon assures him.

He does believe in his own words, too. He generally doesn’t need much sleep, and he thinks it’ll be extremely difficult for him to sleep tonight with everything that happened, as exhausted and drained as he is.

“We should probably go back in, then,” Kyuhyun suggests. “We have a long day ahead tomorrow.”

Jongwoon nods at him before returning his attention to Ryeowook, who’s fallen asleep into his arms. Giving him a kiss on the forehead, Jongwoon grabs the boy by the hips and pushes himself up with his legs, lifting him up in the air with a little struggle, though he manages to secure him in his arms in the end. Kyuhyun blinks at him then, shocked that Jongwoon, who’s both shorter and smaller than him, is able to do such a thing—it makes sense now how he was able to break Zhoumi’s nose with a single punch to the extent that he did. He’s going to need to remember that this guy is much stronger than he looks if he ever accidentally makes him angry.

Kyuhyun opens the door for him to go through before guiding him through the hallway to Ryeowook’s bedroom, using his phone as a flashlight to avoid bumping into walls. Jongwoon follows in silence, an uncomfortable feeling settling deep inside of him tearing him apart more and more the deeper he gets into the house; this place feels cold and lifeless, loveless—even he can tell. No wonder Ryeowook doesn’t feel safe here even without his asshole stepdad around.

The first thing Jongwoon does when entering the bedroom is to beeline for the bed to lay Ryeowook down on it—the boy may be small, but he gets heavy to carry after some time—intending on tucking him into bed first so he could at least take his pants off to sleep more comfortably. But Ryeowook is clinging onto him so tightly that even in his half-asleep state that he’s able to pull Jongwoon in along with him and force him to lie on top of him, whining at the man’s attempts to separate himself from him.

“I know, baby,” Jongwoon smiles at him before bending down to kiss his nose. “I wasn’t going away. I was just gonna take my pants off first.”

“Please don’t have sex while I’m still awake,” Kyuhyun complains, horrified by what he’s hearing—he can’t see what’s happening, and the sounds he’s picking up lead him to imagine very inappropriate scenarios taken out of context.

Jongwoon can’t help but snort at Kyuhyun’s comment; if Ryeowook weren’t so vulnerable at the moment and had his full grasp on reality, he would’ve probably considered this idea and taken it as a challenge on Kyuhyun’s part. But as high as his sex drive is, Jongwoon doesn’t even _ want _ to try and use sex as a way to make Ryeowook feel better. He doesn’t need it to make Ryeowook slip into subspace and get him to feel safe in his presence. Just words and small displays of affection can do the job just as well.

Not wanting Ryeowook to believe he’s thinking about fucking him now when he knows that’s not what the boy needs, Jongwoon doesn’t try to come up with a clever comeback just to spite Kyuhyun. Instead, he gives Ryeowook one last kiss on his forehead before rolling to his side to get rid of his pants—he’s left his bag in his car and he refuses to leave Ryeowook on his own for even a second—so he could lie more comfortably under the covers, and he tangles his arms with Ryeowook’s at the boy’s front as he spoons him. He keeps him as close to him as he can, enveloping him in his heat and the comfort of his presence to lull him to sleep.

Now that they’re both fully immobile, Jongwoon notices that Ryeowook hasn’t stopped shaking—it’s faint, but it’s still there, and he’s unable to fall asleep until the boy does and the trembling stops. He was right assuming he wouldn’t sleep much that night.

This had, however, a terrible effect on his plan of sneaking out in the morning. He forgot to set an alarm and couldn’t wake up in time, coming to when he hears a knock on the bedroom door. Too dazed and confused from sleep, Jongwoon doesn’t realize right away what this means; he’s still trying to remember when the hell he is by the time the door opens, only reuniting with reality when he feels Ryeowook tense up and try to pry his arms away as fast as he can, though he knows his attempts at escaping came much too late.

His mother, standing in the doorframe, saw; she _ saw _ and is still watching them in utter confusion and horror, because there’s a complete stranger in her son’s bed who wasn’t there the day before and she has no fucking idea when, why or how he got there at all.

“I can explain,” Ryeowook blurts out, finally rolling out of bed in an ungainly fashion.

“I certainly hope you can,” Eunsil retorts in an accusatory tone that really rubs Jongwoon the wrong way. “You know what your stepdad will think of this.” She sounds a little more disappointed and upset now, but Jongwoon’s already made up his mind on her—he really, really doesn’t like her. “Come with me for a second.”

With his head hung low, and without even shooting so much as a glance to Jongwoon, Ryeowook follows his mom into the hallway, shutting the door behind him as he leaves. Jongwoon’s first reflex is to throw his covers away and run after him, his instincts screaming at him not to leave him alone with this woman, but he’s stopped by Kyuhyun who gives him a sign of the hand to tell him to stay there.

“He’s lucky it’s his mom who found out,” Kyuhyun tells him. “She won’t do anything to him.”

“What the fuck is going on in this house ?” Jongwoon abjects.

“_ Homophobia_,” Kyuhyun states, figuring that he might as well explain it to him in the end instead of waiting for Ryeowook to do it like he originally planned. “I honestly don’t know what his mom’s stance on it is, because when the other asshole isn’t around, she always acts weirdly supportive of him. But his stepdad is the worst, most stereotypical dickhead you could ever meet, and she never lifted a finger to defend Ryeowook from him. Never.”

Kyuhyun hates to beat around the bush, and he doesn’t think taking the long route to introduce Jongwoon to Ryeowook’s reality will change anything in the end. He knows the man will still get incredibly angry no matter how much he sugarcoats it, because _ he _ is, too.

Heechul was right in his theory—Jongwoon also knew deep down that this probably was the reason Ryeowook didn’t want him to come, but he’s let his insecurities get the better of him. Everything makes sense now, and he feels torn between staying and potentially making things harder for Ryeowook to bear or leaving him alone with those shitheads. He ultimately thinks staying is the best decision, because now that his mother knows, it’s going to get worse whether he’s there or not—and he’d rather be by Ryeowook’s side to make sure he doesn’t get hurt, even if the boy asks him to leave. He’s not going to listen to him. He’s too scared for his safety at this point, and he promises himself that he’s going to book a room in a hotel for tonight and the next day, because he’s not letting Ryeowook be unnecessarily exposed to this.

“Are you sure he’s gonna be fine ?” Jongwoon checks, still uneasy about leaving Ryeowook alone with his mother.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun confirms, though it’s only a half-truth. Physically, Ryeowook is in no danger—but he can’t predict what his emotional state is going to be like when he returns.

Ryeowook is shaking when his mom takes him into her bedroom and shuts the door behind her. She at least has the decency to keep him away from unwanted eavesdroppers, though the boy can tell none of this bodes well for him. He has very little memory of what happened last night, but he can at least deduce that Jongwoon came all the way here because of the panic attack he’s had then. He needed his presence too much to tell him to go, but he regrets it so much now. He wishes he wouldn’t be this weak and dependent on him like that.

“Who is that ?” Eunsil questions him. She sounds more shocked than angry, and Ryeowook guesses this is as good of a start as he can get.

“He’s…” Ryeowook hesitates for a moment about whether or not he should tell her the truth, but it doesn’t take him long to realize that pretending he’s a stranger or a friend when she saw them cuddling together will make it too obvious that it’s a lie. “He’s my boyfriend.”

“Your boy—” Eunsil stutters, blinking at him in surprise before she collects herself again. “What’s he doing here ?”

“Kyuhyun called him last night because I said that I missed him,” Ryeowook answers, not wanting to tell her the true reason that led to Kyuhyun making that call.

He normally wouldn’t throw his friend under the bus like that, but it’s honestly his best option; he knows it’ll be easier to swallow for both her and even his stepdad to know Kyuhyun is behind this, since neither of them will see it as Ryeowook defying their authority and trying to find ways to piss them off if he takes the blame for it.

“You know your stepdad will tell you th—”

“I know what he’s going to say,” Ryeowook cuts her off. He’s upset and angry and on the verge of tears; he just wishes his mom would take his side for once instead of going along with whatever the fuck her husband wants. “I didn’t want to bring him with me for a reason, but I’m having a hard time and I need someone to be there for me because _ you _ aren’t.”

Ryeowook didn’t mean to speak his mind like that, but he’s had enough. He’s tired and incredibly hurt from what he perceives as betrayal from his own mother, and he doesn’t have the strength to hold it anymore.

He can tell his mom is internally torn apart by guilt from her expression, but her silent sympathy for him is completely worthless in his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry and show her just how vulnerable he is, but he doesn’t have the energy to hold back his tears at this point, so the best thing he can do is to let it happen and ignore it as he watches his mom struggling to find a way to defend or justify herself.

“Moms are supposed to protect their children,” Ryeowook continues, seeing as his mom is obviously not going to speak. “Jongwoon did a better job at doing that in the six months we’ve been together than you ever did in twenty-one years of being my _ mother_.”

“It’s more complicated than that,” she stutters in the weakest attempt to counter Ryeowook’s argument.

“What’s so complicated about telling him to shut up ?” Ryeowook throws back at her. “Or that it’s wrong, or even just… show support instead of staying silent ? He’s not abusive to you, never has been. I don’t understand what you’re so scared of.”

Eunsil opens her mouth to speak again, but she can’t find the right words to describe what’s on her mind. Nothing comes out and she only ends up standing there in silence, staring at her son apologetically, though she apparently doesn’t feel sorry enough to say it out loud. Unable to take this anymore and angered beyond belief, Ryeowook throws his hands up in the air to sarcastically show surrender, clearly not meaning it.

“You know what ?” he exclaims mockingly. “If what you want is for Jongwoon to leave because you’re scared of upsetting and breaking Sikyung’s fragile little heart, then I’ll go and tell him that and everything will go back to normal. Sikyung’s going to snap again and you’ll stand there doing nothing, just as you like it.”

It’s not in Ryeowook’s nature to be so petty and mean, but he’s rarely this hurt, if ever, either. His words come from a place of pain and the resentment he’s accumulated over the years and he knows it, but he’s too frustrated to feel sorry or guilty about it, even if those words are directed at his own mother.

As he beelines for the door ready to storm out of the room, Eunsil catches him by the wrist, stopping him dead in his tracks.

“You love him, right ?” she asks him. He doesn’t answer, but she can see the affection he holds for his boyfriend shining behind the flaming rage in his eyes—she may have failed on a lot of her duties as a parent, but she’s still his mother. She can tell those things. “Let him stay.”

There’s a split second where shock replaces his features contorted by pain and where his eyes widen in surprise—Eunsil allows herself to be hopeful that she’s managed to at least put her son on the path to forgiving her, but as quickly as the wave of surprise had washed over Ryeowook’s face, anger returns to take its rightful place. The boy simply glares at her in disgust before shaking himself out of her grasp, leaving her behind to reflect on her mistakes as he walks back to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry (the sequel)


	17. A Line In The Sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NOT brought to you by [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong)'s nephew's attempt at sabotaging it by keysmashing and accidentally deleting a good chunk of it on our Google Doc page—thank the fucks for CTRL+Z, OOF
> 
> Oh, also, I just wanted to go on record and say that I 100% support Ryeowook's and Ari's relationship; I respect every Super Junior member's relationships, in fact. This fic is just for fun and it in no way means I'm a delusional shipper. And if you don't support RyeoRi even after the big dick move they pulled yesterday... please leave lmao
> 
> I will put a trigger warning for homophobia here as well just like the last chapter, in case you don't have twitter or didn't see the update tweet on [my account](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) (I always list the trigger warnings in the tweet)
> 
> See you around next time~

Kyuhyun is sent tumbling backwards when Ryeowook opens the door in a hurry, not expecting anyone to have been standing with their ear pressed against the wood in a vain attempt at catching on to his conversation with his mother. It’s not something that surprises him one bit, however, and he can’t find it in himself to care enough to get mad at it. It’s not like he doesn’t know what his mother is like or if he could hear anything in the first place, after all.

Jongwoon’s first reflex upon seeing Ryeowook is to rush to him to engulf him in his arms. He’s still mostly clueless about his situation, but he knows enough to guess that what just happened probably messed him up quite a bit—and although Jongwoon’s parents were supportive of him, he can still empathize and understand what it feels like when they don’t. It breaks his heart to know anyone, especially his own parents, would despise and reject his baby because of something so stupid and insignificant. He doesn’t want Ryeowook to feel unloved and unsupported.

“Are you okay ?” Jongwoon checks, breaking away to gauge Ryeowook’s emotional state through his facial expressions.

Ryeowook nods into his boyfriend’s hand cupping his cheeks. He’s sincere for the most part, that Jongwoon can tell, though his anger and disappointment remains burning somewhere deep inside of him. He can’t really explain what just happened there; he supposes that this is his mom’s attempt at making amends, but he can’t help but feel disgusted at the fact that it took him snapping and bordering on insulting her to give her a wakeup call.

“What did she say ?” Kyuhyun inquires worryingly. “Do we have to sneak Jongwoon out of the house ?”

“No,” Ryeowook shakes his head, breaking away from Jongwoon’s hold. “She said he could stay.”

Kyuhyun chokes on thin air. “She said _ what _ now ?”

“I— I don’t know what to make of it either,” Ryeowook stutters.

Jongwoon is confused too, but he decides to stay silent until summoned because he doesn’t feel comfortable speaking up on a subject he knows very little about. He’s been able to guess things, but he hates assuming.

“She knows how your stepdad is going to react,” Kyuhyun reminds him, utterly puzzled.

“I know,” Ryeowook affirms. “She’s probably not going to stand up for me either, like usual, but I’m thinking it’s probably better that he stays here than to have to rely on my mom to keep the secret. She’s not exactly good at doing that.”

“How is he ?” Jongwoon steps in. He figures that if he has to face the asshole, his best course of action is to have a general idea of what the man is like so he can be prepared to counter him if need be.

“Sikyung ? A dick,” Kyuhyun responds when he spots just how uncomfortable Ryeowook appears at the question. “He’s the type of guy to give too much importance to conforming to his messed up idea of what a man is to the point of obsession, but honestly, it’s kind of useless of me saying that. You’ll know everything you need to know within the first five minutes of meeting the guy.”

He doesn’t sound like anything he can’t deal with, Jongwoon thinks. He’s had to handle much worse—it sounds like Ryeowook’s stepdad is nothing but an older, more toxically old-fashioned version of Zhoumi. He’s probably more stubborn than that guy was, though, as people of his generation usually tend to be. Jongwoon doesn’t like generalizing, but if he’s so closed off to his stepson’s sexuality and interests, it’s most likely the case for him.

Jongwoon’s biggest worry is and will always be Ryeowook’s safety. Pandering and getting his stepdad’s approval isn’t even on his list of priorities—he’d honestly give the guy a beating worse than Zhoumi’s had he not promised Ryeowook to never do it again. It now makes sense why the boy reacted this way to that situation; he was probably scared he’d repeat that same action with his stepdad were he to ever meet him.

Turning over to Ryeowook, Jongwoon notices how visibly nervous he looks; he’s chewing on the inside of his cheek and playing with his fingers to prevent his hands from trembling, and he’s fidgeting, too. He really doesn’t like the idea that his mere presence could be making the boy so uncomfortable for multiple reasons, the main one being Ryeowook’s own well-being. Especially more so after last night—he knows panic attacks tend to repeat themselves often after the first time you get them, and he’s scared it might happen again given everything the boy currently has to go through.

He hates that he can’t protect him from his own feelings.

Jongwoon reaches out for him, intending to gently grab him by the shoulders to give him a kiss on the forehead, but Ryeowook flinches at the gesture before he even touches him. His heart absolutely shatters at that—though he’s well aware that this is a delicate situation, it physically hurts him that _ his _ Ryeowook, _ his _ baby would reject him like that when they’re in a safe place without his parents around to see. And he knows Ryeowook is hurt too. He looks like he’s about to break down and cry, and it only makes Jongwoon want to hug and kiss him more to make that pain go away, but he has to hold back on that now.

“We— we can’t do this type of thing in front of my stepdad,” Ryeowook warns him in a wobbly and broken voice. “It’s already gonna be hard to deal with you being there at all.”

_ Ouch. _ A thousand times.

Jongwoon _ gets _ it, but Jesus Christ, that last part _ fucking _ hurts; the wording makes it sound like _ Ryeowook himself _ is going to have a hard time handling his presence. Jongwoon doesn’t trust his voice enough to give the boy a verbal answer, so he settles for nodding in understanding as he tries to hide his shaking hands by turning them into fists and crossing them behind his back.

Ryeowook’s sigh of relief then has the same effect as a spear piercing his heart, which he thinks may have stopped beating at this point, but he still remains silent about it. He can’t be making this about him when Ryeowook is having a much harder time than him, even though the boy’s behaviour is digging into his repressed trauma and insecurities from his past relationships—and not just with Hyukjae, though he certainly didn’t help. He was always made to feel inadequate and like he never did enough for his partners, but also as though he wasn’t actually needed; just that he was a convenience that could be thrown to the curb once he was no longer useful. The guy he dated before Hyukjae, Junsu, the one who had broken up with him because he never told him he loved him, had been the worst for this. No wonder Jongwoon never actually fell in love with him.

_ Fuck. _

Jongwoon shakes his head to collect his thoughts before he gets too deep into them and, looking for a distraction to avoid looking into Ryeowook’s eyes and potentially letting the boy know how upset he is, he turns to his clothes lying on the floor; he’s only wearing his boxers and he’s left his bag in his car, so he guesses he could wear them again just for breakfast and change afterwards. He honestly doesn’t care for Ryeowook’s parents at all, but he at least knows basic decency—and he can tell his current state of undress is making Kyuhyun slightly uncomfortable too, if the way the boy keeps side-glancing at him furtively is anything to go by.

_ It’s definitely not a packer, _ Kyuhyun confirms in the end.

Mirroring Jongwoon’s actions, the two others get dressed too, making sure their backs all face each other’s to avoid even more awkward situations—having lived with two guys for two years now, ‘accidents’ have _ definitely _ happened, but Kyuhyun prefers to avoid it if he can.

“Want me to go in first to test the waters ?” Kyuhyun offers after they all end up standing at the doorknob in hesitation for longer than they should have.

Ryeowook nods at him after a few seconds. It’s a little weird to him that he currently feels safer in Kyuhyun’s presence than he does in Jongwoon’s even if it makes sense why it’s like that—he’s just too used to his boyfriend being his safespace under any other circumstance that feeling indirectly threatened by it now feels extremely wrong to him.

The couple stays behind to peek around the doorframe as Kyuhyun takes a deep breath and walks up to the dining room at the other end of the hallway, to their right; the man stands still in front of the archway, coming face-to-face with Sikyung who’s too busy reading the newspaper—like the caricature he is, Kyuhyun jokes to himself—at the table to notice him right away. He seems to be in a relatively good mood for a guy whose stepson he despises is staying over; Eunsil’s presence probably is in it for something. If they weren’t such shitty parents, Kyuhyun would think they made a relatively cute couple, though they weren’t even close to the level of vomit-inducing cheesiness Jongwoon and Ryeowook could reach without even trying.

Hesitantly, Kyuhyun beckons the other two to step forward and come join him. Without realizing it at first, Jongwoon’s hand comes to rest on Ryeowook’s lower back to encourage him to go, but he retracts it as soon as the boy shivers at the touch—even if this time it was a good thing, he doesn’t want to go through yet another rejection. He already can’t handle the first one, even now still. Jongwoon trails behind Ryeowook, apprehending the impendable doom about to befall them more and more with every step he takes. He can’t imagine the anxiety Ryeowook must be going through.

Sikyung’s attention is only taken away from his paper when he spots Kyuhyun taking a seat next to him, as he usually does to shield Ryeowook away from him. Whether it’s from habit of ignoring Ryeowook’s presence or the fact that he cares more about the news than any of them, Sikyung doesn’t notice the new addition to the table until he hears a third chair being pulled out, and he catches Jongwoon’s scrutinizing gaze as the man is about to sit down.

To say Sikyung is confused would be a massive understatement.

“Who is that ?”

It’s not clear who the question is directed to, but he sounds harsh and pressing, and no one has the courage to step in and give him an answer for an awkwardly long amount of time. Sikyung keeps staring at Jongwoon, trying to make out whether or not he’s seen him before—he has a surprisingly good memory when it comes to Ryeowook’s friends he brought over, mostly because he doesn’t approve of most of them. He only likes Kyuhyun because the guy can hold his ground and actually be useful whenever he is over and the man needs help fixing something. In other words, he perceived Kyuhyun as a _ ‘real’ man _ who could potentially influence his disappointment of a stepson in a positive way down the line.

“This is… Ryeowook’s boyfriend,” Eunsil finally steps in as she starts setting up the plates for breakfast.

The way she announces it clearly bespeaks of her extreme discomfort at that—she’s careful to enunciate every syllable and hesitates at the word ‘boyfriend’ for a few seconds longer than would be considered normal. Either she’s terrified of Sikyung’s reaction or embarrassed and awkward about having to face the truth by voicing it out loud; both sound like really plausible theories. Ryeowook never actually came to know what his mom’s views on his sexuality were. She was always overshadowed by his stepdad’s blatant bigotry. All he knew was that he couldn’t consider her an ally because she always remained silent in front of the emotional abuse her husband was subjecting Ryeowook to on an almost daily basis.

Sikyung coughs in utter shock and surprise—not at Ryeowook having a boyfriend, but at the fact that he _ dared _ to bring him here, _ in his house_, to share a meal with them, which he perceived as a grave offense and act of disrespect for him. Blinking himself back to reality, Sikyung glares at Jongwoon in anger and disgust, fully expecting the guy to cower and avert his eyes in shame and fear.

Jongwoon, however, doesn’t. He holds eye contact with him, returning the man’s feelings back onto him tenfold, and it’s Sikyung who ends up with this deep feeling of dread tying his stomach into knots at how cold and domineering Jongwoon’s gaze is. His ego, however, wouldn’t allow him to back down, so the whole ordeal only resulted in an extremely tense staring contest which Jongwoon was clearly dominating—even Eunsil could tell.

Weirdly enough, she feels a sense of thrill buoying up inside of her at that. Ryeowook’s boyfriend seems to be able to hold his own and it’s reassuring to her in many ways, though some worry settles and hides underneath it because she doesn’t know what this fearless and powerful attitude means in regards to her son. He’s let her know that he’s happy with him, so she’ll have to go off of that for now until she gets to know the guy better.

Ryeowook wants to sink into his seat and disappear from existence. Part of him is glad Jongwoon can go head-to-head with his stepdad without angering the man to the point of screaming and getting violent, but he’s so fucking terrified of what will happen once the tension becomes too much for either men to handle and ends up blowing up in their faces.

Kyuhyun is also experiencing two contradicting emotions. On one hand, he can’t stand the awkward silence and heaviness weighing down on their shoulders, but on the other, he’s strangely really entertained by the sight of Sikyung so visibly terrified of Jongwoon but refusing to admit it, and it’s kind of hilarious to him. He knew Jongwoon had a very dominant personality from the moment he met him because of the way both Sungmin and Ryeowook reacted to it, albeit in two completely different ways—Ryeowook was incredibly drawn to it while Sungmin looked like he wanted to pee his pants—but he wouldn’t have expected it to have such a strong effect on Sikyung. It doesn’t really do much to him, for whatever reason, so he figured Sikyung, who was _ so _ convinced gay men were weak and inferior to him, wouldn’t feel intimidated by one of them either.

Maybe Jongwoon would make him change his mind on that, given he’s clearly scared of the guy and Sikyung is probably very aware of it despite his pride and denial.

“You, hum—” Sikyung coughs again, wanting to find an excuse to stop this _ ‘biggest dick contest’ _ before he fucking loses it. “You didn’t tell us he’d be coming.”

Sikyung’s reaction, albeit extremely passive-aggressive—the man spared no efforts trying to make it sound even a tiny bit friendlier—shocked and bewildered everyone around the table, safe for Jongwoon, who didn’t really know what to expect. He’s also used to winning this type of staring match with people who dare confront him, so he’s mostly neutral about it all.

There’s a split second where Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and Jongwoon all glance at each other, each of them wanting to take the blame for what happened—surprisingly, however, it’s Eunsil who speaks up before the three can reach a consensus.

“We have a lot of work to do today, so extra hands should be appreciated, shouldn’t it ?” she defuses, completely shifting the conversation away from who was at fault for this. She initially planned on taking the blame herself and lie about being the one to ask Ryeowook to call him, but decided against it because she’s an absolutely terrible liar and Sikyung would’ve seen right through her.

“Are you sure he’s gonna be helpful ?” Sikyung scoffs. “He doesn’t look like he can carry much weight and I don’t think sending two people to _ pick flowers _ is necessary.”

Kyuhyun was absolutely right, Jongwoon concludes. Five minutes is all it takes to clock this guy and understand the person that he is. It probably shouldn’t, but it makes him chuckle—this makes so little sense to him to adopt this type of mentality and it’s just so fucking ridiculous that he can’t believe Sikyung is actually serious about all of this.

“I’m sure I can handle it,” Jongwoon asserts in full confidence. He’s not going to let this guy think he’s winning on any level.

Sikyung absolutely takes it as a provocative challenge, and he fully intends on making Jongwoon, whom he perceives as absolutely arrogant without merit or anything to back it up, swallow his own fucking words.

It turns out that he’s shot himself in the foot with this one, because despite purposely assigning Jongwoon the hardest physical tasks he can think of, ones he himself would probably ruin his back doing, all that comes of it is his own wife complimenting and thanking him for being so helpful in the end, and it has him _ fuming_.

Jongwoon probably has too much fun pissing him off by just breathing that he doesn’t realize right away that Ryeowook is purposely avoiding him; whenever Jongwoon gets too close, even if the man doesn’t even talk to him, he always finds an excuse to go elsewhere and keep his distance with him. The boy can feel his stepdad’s judging eyes on him while he helps his mom pick options for the buffet on catering websites and it makes him so uncomfortable that he thinks evading his own boyfriend is a subconscious thing at this point.

This whole situation makes him sick, if he has to be honest. Having to juggle between planning a funeral, feeling almost disgusted at the fact that it feels like they’re actually organizing a fucking party, with food and tables set in the backyard under a tent for the ‘guests’—he knows it’s a common thing to do, but he can’t imagine himself being able to stomach anything when they’re supposed to pay tribute to someone’s life who’s just ended—and the constant pressure to do everything perfectly to avoid more unwanted criticisms from his dad are getting hard for him to bear. He’s so frustrated and angry that he nearly breaks down multiple times, but the fear of being humiliated and ridiculed by his stepdad keeps him in line, at least for a time.

He really doesn’t feel like himself at the moment; it’s almost as if he’s having an out-of-body experience and just watching himself function on autopilot in third person. He’s so numb and empty yet so angry and fragile that it has him shaking despite him. He tries his best to work through it, taking on tasks that don’t require precision and focus because he’s sure he’ll fuck that up somehow.

He’s busy looking up flowers that have a powerful enough meaning to gift his grandmother for her last goodbyes when his mother approaches him, startling him when he places a hand on his shoulder to bring his attention towards her. She gives him an apologetic little smile as a result and withdraws her hand, but doesn’t comment on the matter.

“Could you help me set up some lights ?” she asks him then.

Ryeowook hesitates for a moment. He knows which lights she’s talking about—the white and gold fairy lights they meant to suspend over the tent’s ceiling. It doesn’t sound too difficult; he just needs to hold the chord while his mom sticks them in place, so he agrees to it and follows her under the tent where the other men are assembling the tables. Jongwoon and Kyuhyun seem to be joking around with each other, but Ryeowook can’t focus enough on them to know what they’re talking about. His stepdad shoots him a glare as he walks by but thankfully remains silent, though it does nothing to calm him down at all.

He’s too out of touch with reality that he doesn’t notice Jongwoon is actually watching over him from afar, always keeping a close eye on him to make sure he’s doing okay and not getting hurt. He’s extremely worried about him, but Ryeowook doesn’t seem to want to confide in him, especially not with Sikyung constantly leering at him.

“You’re gonna have to teach me how to do that look,” Kyuhyun declares, snapping him back to reality. He hadn’t realized he’d been staring at Ryeowook just then.

“What look ?”

“The one that almost made Sungmin and Mr Bang pee themselves,” Kyuhyun clarifies, speaking low enough for Sikyung not to hear them.

“Oh, _ that_,” Jongwoon exclaims, smirking. “Have you ever hate-fucked someone ?”

“What ?” Kyuhyun blurts out, not expecting this question to come out of this.

“You have to look at the other person like you want to hate-fuck them,” Jongwoon explains. “Like you’re telling them you’re going to make them surrender and turn them into your little toy to play with.”

“I’m both very impressed and incredibly disturbed that you can do that,” Kyuhyun states. “Do you actually want to hate-fuck them or—”

“God no,” Jongwoon snickers. “I fake it, but the result is essentially the same. The fact that you’re disturbed by it is the whole point. It’s meant to offset people.”

“Does it work on everyone ?” Kyuhyun asks, now curious—Jongwoon really sounds like he knows what he’s talking about and he’s really intrigued by it for some reason.

Jongwoon actually stops to think of and answer. He’s used it on all types of people, even other dominants back at the dungeon, and he can only name two people who’ve never shown any signs of being intimidated even a little by it in practice.

Geng and Kyuhyun.

“I’d say ninety-nine percent of people,” Jongwoon roughly estimates. “It depends on—”

Jongwoon gets interrupted by a huge commotion coming from Ryeowook’s direction, and the man instinctively peeks over the table to check what’s going on, immediately dropping the leg he’s been screwing onto the underside when he sees the boy applying pressure to his hand and wincing in pain to run up to him. Kyuhyun follows a few seconds later, also alarmed when he spots the broken glass shards on the floor coming from the shattered light bulbs.

“Shit,” Ryeowook curses through gritted teeth. The palm of his hand has been cut through the middle—it’s not very deep, but it stings like a bitch and his hand is covered in blood already.

“Baby, are you okay ?!” Jongwoon panics, the pet name escaping despite him—no time to care about some homophobe watching over them when his baby is injured.

Turns out he’ll have to care, because Sikyung grunts in disapproval both at the name and the event that led to Ryeowook getting hurt.

“What the hell did you do ?” Sikyung joins them to look over the damages; three of the lights broke when Ryeowook dropped them, and it seems to bother him more than the fact that his stepson is _ bleeding_. “Why didn’t you get Kyuhyun to handle it ? Or your little… _ man friend _ at best, at least he’s able to do some things right.”

If it weren’t for Ryeowook being hurt, Jongwoon’s fist would’ve collided with the man’s jaw right in this very second. What the actual fuck is wrong with this guy ?

Shaking his anger away, Jongwoon reaches over to take a closer look at Ryeowook’s wound, but the boy, seriously upset by Sikyung’s comment, pushes him away with a jerk of his shoulder and takes a step back to get far enough to make it impossible for Jongwoon to touch him again.

“I’m _ fine_,” Ryeowook spits. He sounds like he’s going to cry any second now.

“You’re bleeding—” Jongwoon insists, swallowing up his own pain at being rejected so brutally yet again because the voice in his head keeps screaming at him to take care of his baby, even if the latter clearly doesn’t want him to.

“I said I’m fine,” Ryeowook snaps.

Jongwoon freezes in place from shock and pain—although he understands the boy’s concerns, he doesn’t get why he’s so intensely antagonistic to him especially in a moment like this, especially when Jongwoon isn’t doing anything wrong; he know that he’s on edge but all he wants to do is help and what Sikyung thinks of that shouldn’t matter in this case.

But Ryeowook seems to give more importance to this guy’s words than he does to him, and it fucking hurts.

“I can take care of it myself,” Ryeowook grunts as he walks back inside, hoping to get his wound cleaned in the bathroom.

Kyuhyun also doesn’t seem to understand his friend’s behaviour at all, and he honestly feels bad for Jongwoon. He knows nothing he can do will help him in the end, but he figures going to check up on Ryeowook in his place since the latter refused his help couldn’t hurt; so after letting Jongwoon know he’s got it by giving him an awkward pat on the shoulder, Kyuhyun follows after Ryeowook’s steps as Jongwoon tries his best not to let his emotions get the better of him and force Ryeowook’s family to plan a second funeral.

His jaw is clenching so hard that he hears it pop, and he decides then to go against Ryeowook’s wishes for once and go to him—they need to talk. Not necessarily about their relationship, because now isn’t the time for that; but about Ryeowook’s current state of mind and try to find solutions to help him get better, because it only seems to be getting worse and it’s directly impacting him too, and he’s going to crack if this goes on.

“Ryeowook, what’s gotten into you ?” Jongwoon hears Kyuhyun ask, and he stops in his tracks to lean against the wall to listen on. He feels guilty about what he essentially perceives as spying on them, but with Ryeowook’s current state, he doesn’t think his plan of talking to him now will end well for the both of them.

“Nothing’s gotten into me,” Ryeowook dismisses, clearly annoyed.

“You just yelled at Jongwoon for no reason,” Kyuhyun reminds him. “All he did was try to help—”

“Like how you helped by calling him here in the first place ?!” Ryeowook cuts him, angered to tears—Jongwoon can’t see him, but he hears the sniffling. “This is your fucking fault. Doing that was a mistake and you know it !”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Kyuhyun calls him out. He doesn’t mean to get angry at him, but the fact that he’s now blaming _ him _ for his stepdad’s shitty behaviour when his panic attack the night prior left him with no other choice but to call Jongwoon makes no fucking sense to him.

“_ Ridiculous _ ?” Ryeowook repeats, offended. “You saw what just happened ! Having Jongwoon around is just a ticking bomb for it to get so much worse !”

The sound of the front door violently clacking startles them then, forcing their argument to abruptly end as they try to figure out what could’ve caused this.

“Oh fuck, _ Jongwoon_,” Kyuhyun exclaims to Ryeowook’s absolute horror, now understanding that the man heard everything he’s just said and ended up storming out of the house.

Fuck. _ Fuck. _ He’s fucked up so badly, he knows it, and he now realizes what Kyuhyun meant when he said his behaviour made no sense—of course he fucking realizes it when it’s too late and the damage’s already been done. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to go. Just the idea of him leaving him alone with his stepdad terrifies him to the core. No matter how much he can try to fool himself, he can’t deal with this on his own.

Kyuhyun stares at his friend, then at the bathroom door, then back at his friend, who’s now standing there in front of him like a zombie, almost catatonic, and he knows Ryeowook is being tormented by guilt and regret; he wants to stay with him to make sure he’s okay, but he also knows time is against them were Jongwoon considering to leave after this—and he’s certain that it’s not what Ryeowook wants or needs at all right now.

“Want me to go check on him ?”

Ryeowook nods after a few seconds, as though it took much longer than usual for his brain to process the information.

“Why don’t you go lie down on your bed in the meantime, hm ?” Kyuhyun suggests.

Ryeowook nods again in the same manner before walking past his friend to drag his feet to the bedroom under Kyuhyun’s worried gaze.

Knowing—or at least hoping—his friend will be okay for the next few minutes, Kyuhyun nearly bolts down the hallway to the front door, opening it in panic as he half-expects to see Jongwoon’s car gone; he’s pretty sure Jongwoon can hear the huge sigh of relief he lets out when he spots the man casually lying on top of the hood, staring straight at the sky. Thank God. He didn’t leave.

Hesitantly, Kyuhyun approaches Jongwoon, who gives him no sign that he’s noticed him up until now, which he ends up realizing once he’s close enough that is due to Jongwoon’s eyes being closed as the man tries to calm himself down. He’s doing quite a poor job at it, though, because he almost ends up falling off the hood when he feels Kyuhyun’s presence next to him—he thought it was Ryeowook for a second and he got startled, not having expected anyone to have followed him.

Kyuhyun’s eyebrows curve upward in concern, though Jongwoon can clearly tell the boy is trying to stifle a laugh and doing a poor job at it, on the verge of snorting. Jongwoon ignores it, mostly because it’s not really offensive to him—he gets that it is kind of funny to witness something like this.

Propping himself up on his arms, Jongwoon pushes himself up to sit on the hood instead. He knows it’s not exactly the best thing to do for a car, but he quite frankly doesn’t care at this point.

“I would ask if you’re okay but I think it would be a rhetorical question,” Kyuhyun awkwardly speaks up. Jongwoon looks devastated, although he doesn’t show any signs of crying or that he’s about to. Thank the fucks for that, because Kyuhyun doesn’t know how to handle that kind of thing at all.

“I’m fine,” Jongwoon assures him. He sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself of that than anything else, though.

“Ryeowook didn’t really mean any of that,” Kyuhyun tries to defend then, doubtful of Jongwoon’s sincerity.

“I know,” Jongwoon sighs. “It just…”

“Hurts to hear it still ?” Kyuhyun finishes when Jongwoon stops talking.

Jongwoon nods. “Yeah.”

“I thought you actually left for a second,” Kyuhyun admits as he leans against the car, one butt cheek sitting on the hood and supporting himself on the other leg.

“And leave him alone with that other dickhead ? Never,” Jongwoon asserts bitterly. “I know he’s going through a tough time and needs an outlet to vent out his frustration. I just needed to get out and get some fresh air to remind myself of that, I guess.”

“Most guys would’ve left,” Kyuhyun scoffs. “Well. I suppose you have a different mentality since you’re older than all the guys I know. Sometimes I forget you’re, like… not our age.”

“You can say I’m old,” Jongwoon chuckles breathily. Kyuhyun imitates him. “I don’t think it’s the reason I’m still here, though. You probably share similar feelings about that too—I think I’m just too protective of him. What he said is upsetting but it doesn’t justify me leaving him alone in this place where he clearly isn’t safe.”

“Yeah, I definitely feel you,” Kyuhyun agrees. “I usually kinda just… let people be and only come to their defense if they ask, but with Ryeowook it’s different. He’s been through enough already and I just feel the need to, I don’t know…”

“Shield him from the outside world ?” Jongwoon guesses.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun nods before letting out another soft chuckle. “I’m the worst at giving emotional support, though.”

“You’re not doing that bad of a job with me,” Jongwoon encourages him.

“It’s probably because you’re not crying in front of me,” Kyuhyun jokes back.

“And that’s not likely to happen,” Jongwoon assures him as he slowly lets himself slide down onto his feet. “Speaking of crying and emotional support, though… how is he ?”

Their playful mood shifts to a much grimmer one—Kyuhyun’s eyes actually cloud over when he’s reminded of what state Ryeowook was in when he left him to himself. He honestly hopes he’s okay, and he fears that his stepdad may have gone out after him when he noticed that the three of them weren’t coming back. He just had to make sure Jongwoon wasn’t leaving, because he doesn’t think he would be able to handle and help Ryeowook by himself. The panic attack from last night was a great example of that.

“He feels really guilty for what he said,” Kyuhyun admits. “I sent him off to rest for a bit, so if you want to go see him, he should be in his bedroom.”

“Do you think he wants to see me ?” Jongwoon checks—the first two rejections hurt enough. He doesn’t want to go through a third one.

“I think he needs it,” Kyuhyun specifies. “I’ll go try and deal with Mr Dickhead in the meantime.”

“Thank you,” Jongwoon blurts out, giving Kyuhyun a slightly awkward but mostly friendly tap on his upper arm. “I’m glad Ryeowook has a friend like you.”

Jongwoon is the first to step back into the house after finally being mindful enough to bring his travel bag with him, beelining for the end of the hallway where Ryeowook’s bedroom is without a second thought. He finds him on the bed, curled up in a ball and hugging the pillow Jongwoon slept on tightly. It’s both adorable and heartbreaking to see him like that, and for a second the man hesitates to step forward and climb into bed with him.

He quickly realizes that Ryeowook is sleeping by the steady rhythm of his breathing and it comes as a relief. He feels a little less unsure about joining him now, and he delicately places his bag on the floor next to the others before doing so, lying beside the boy and spooning him. Jongwoon’s heart feels warmer and more complete almost instantly; he hears Ryeowook sigh in content before he subconsciously scoots closer to him, still fast asleep.

Knowing Ryeowook tends to sleep like a brick when he’s really tired—which he can only assume he is right now after his sleepless night—so he has no qualms about leaving soft little kisses down the exposed skin of his nape, which he knows will soothe the boy even more even in his current state of completely unawareness. It hurts a little to realize that the only way he’s been able to touch Ryeowook all day up until now is when he’s sleeping. This whole situation hurts, actually, and Jongwoon feels guilty about it.

He honestly believes it means that he’s making this all about himself. He’s trying his hardest to push through it and to not take things personally, but he’s unable to; he’s hurting both for and because of Ryeowook, and he thinks the normal reaction to it would’ve been to run away like Kyuhyun had believed he would, to get some distance—but Jongwoon’s never been a fan of _ normal_. Instead, it just makes him want to get closer, because Ryeowook is his home and comfort and what he needs right now is for the boy to rely on him; he wants to take that burden off of his shoulders and help him carry it, and it’s seriously upsetting to see that Ryeowook is too stubborn to let him do that.

What pains him the most truly is the fact that Ryeowook gives more of a fuck about his shitty stepdad than he does him. In theory, he understands why someone would feel iffy about displaying their affection with their same-sex partner in front of their homophobic family, but in Ryeowook’s case, it almost doesn’t make sense to him. The guy would’ve been a huge dick about it either way and even Jongwoon’s simple presence without them doing anything wouldn’t have changed a thing.

He knows it’s extremely egotistical to think this way. He just… has too powerful feelings toward Ryeowook not to care about these things.

“I’m sorry I can’t be enough for you right now,” Jongwoon breathes out, speaking almost inaudibly. He knows Ryeowook can’t listen to him at the moment, but it needs to get out and he doesn’t care if the only thing that hears him is the void. “I’m… trying my best, baby. Just like I know you are despite your pain. I just wish you would let me help you. Let me…” Jongwoon’s voice cracks, forcing him to pause. He’s scared for a moment that he’s woken Ryeowook up when the boy lets out a small whimper in his sleep, but it turns out he’s just dreaming—hopefully about good things. “... Just let me be enough,” Jongwoon finally sighs, suddenly feeling like he’s going to fall asleep in turn any time now.

He’s also had a sleepless night, after all.

Jongwoon doesn’t know when he fell asleep exactly nor what time it is when he wakes up gasping for air, brought back to consciousness violently when he started feeling like he was drowning. He has no recollection of what caused this. Everything is dark and blurry in his mind and for a good minute, he can barely recognize where he is or even try to grasp what just happened. The air around him feels eerily too cold for a July afternoon and its sharpness burns his lungs; his first reflex is to reach to his side, the only thing he’s able to recall being that he had Ryeowook in his arms when he passed out from exhaustion earlier, but the boy is nowhere to be found. The spot he used to lie on is still a little warm, though, which tells Jongwoon he hasn’t left that long ago.

Ryeowook’s absence, however, means that it takes Jongwoon much longer than it would’ve to come back to his senses, and even then, he’s still shaking—he doesn’t know what he dreamed about, only seeing a huge pitch black cube surrounding him when he tries to force himself to remember, but he’s got this tightness in his stomach and this feeling of dread creeping up on him, and it can’t mean anything good. He’s probably had yet another nightmare and just the realization gives him chills.

He’s not panicking nearly as much as he had before, when he could remember; the thing that gets to him the most in all of that is the fact that Ryeowook left him again and that he has no idea where he is or if he’s okay. He supposes Kyuhyun is with him, as he doubts the boy would’ve left him alone after what happened, but he’s still worried about him, about his injury—he spotted the bandage around his hand when he joined him in bed—and his mental state especially.

Ryeowook hasn’t been acting like himself at all, even before the news of his grandmother’s passing dropped on him, though that only served to aggravate the situation. Jongwoon’s role as a dominant caregiver has made him hyper-aware of any change in Ryeowook’s behaviour, so of course he’s picked up on it. He’s told Heechul about it, too—the only thing is, and he guesses that this is his biggest problem here, he has no idea what Ryeowook’s intentions could be for insisting so much about going to his meeting with Hyukjae when it clearly upset him.

Maybe trusting him on that was a mistake, he’s starting to believe, though he doubts that Ryeowook is able to pay it any mind under the current circumstances.

In any case, this doesn’t sit well with Jongwoon at all. He feels like he’s failed in his goal to provide for Ryeowook and give him what he needs, and everything that happened today only served to remind him of that again. Jongwoon can handle rejection from a stranger he’s flirting with, though he’s not the type to approach people—he prefers when they’re the ones who are drawn to him because it gives him an edge—but he can’t take it from someone he cares about so deeply. He doesn’t want Ryeowook to distance himself from him, but it seems that this is the path he’ll end up taking ultimately, and it breaks his heart.

Allowing himself to grow so attached to him was his _ biggest _ mistake in all of this, and he’s had a lot of fuck ups so far, or at least in his opinion.

He honestly fucking despises thinking of Ryeowook this way, but he knows the fact that his painful break up with Hyukjae was the reason behind his hook up with him; he was so hurt and scared of being alone that he’d go out just to fuck someone and momentarily forget that he truly was a pathetic excuse for a man. He hadn’t brought any of them home, though, but he’d felt such a strong pull towards Ryeowook that night that he couldn’t help it; and if back then he’d thought it had been motivated by sexual desire, he’s aware now that it was so much more than just that. Ryeowook had always been so much more than just a sex thing to him—but what he means to him has changed drastically now that they’ve been together for a good amount of time.

Ryeowook had been so compliant, so good, so responsive to him back then, and the fact that he didn’t expect anything of Jongwoon in return for pleasuring him made him snap—he was willing, obedient, innocent in a way that is strictly his, and didn’t have expectations. He was the _ exact _ opposite of Hyukjae, and deep down, this was the reason Jongwoon had been looking for a hookup in the first place. He wanted to forget. What better way to do that than by doing a complete one-eighty and experiencing something entirely new and different ?

Of course, today, Jongwoon doesn’t want to think of Ryeowook as a replacement. Just placing his baby’s name in the same sentence as that word genuinely makes him sick, but denying it won’t change the fact that he never intended for them to be this way. He can’t fathom living without him now, but committing and most importantly _ falling in love _ with him weren’t his plans at all. 

Yet, here he is now. It couldn’t be avoided in the end, and just as he’d feared, he’s hurting because of it.

Jongwoon really hates how emotional and _ weak _ he’s grown since the beginning of the year, because now he genuinely feels like crying—not a full on sobbing party, but he can feel his eyes welling up with tears. Fuck, this is so hard for him, which only keeps getting worse given how incredibly guilty he feels about his current trail of thought and emotions.

He’s going to need to have that talk with Ryeowook once the boy feels better. He’s made the mistake of internalizing his pain before, and he has no space left for more—he can’t let this get any worse either. He’s about to crack.

Shaking his head, he forces himself to keep all of this locked away and contained somewhere within him, though the uncomfortable coil in his stomach doesn’t go away. He’s got just a little over a day left to hang on. He can do this. For Ryeowook’s sake, and for his, too, ultimately.

After quickly checking the time on his phone to see that they were around dinnertime, Jongwoon gets to his feet. He’s still shaking a little, but it’s more a feeling than a physical thing; he doesn’t _ see _ the trembling but he knows it’s there, and it’s fucking up with his sense of balance too—he’s under the impression that his legs are going to waver and give out from under him at any moment now. It really isn’t a pleasant thing to go through, but he’s experienced it enough times to know he’ll be okay in the end, at least physically speaking.

He hears distant chatter coming from the kitchen as well as the clinking of kitchenware coming into contact with each other. He can’t make up any of the words being said, but he can tell the conversation is on the lighthearted side and he recognizes Ryeowook’s voice—no sign of Sikyung. Good.

Jongwoon finds Ryeowook at the island counter, peeling carrots, while his mom stands on the other side frying something in a pan. Kyuhyun is leaning on the other side of the island, periodically helping the boy and Eunsil to reach things up in the cupboards. The whole scene is heartwarming enough for Jongwoon to momentarily forget everything that happened earlier, so he decides to stand in retreat just to observe in silence a little longer. A moment of peace like that amidst chaos is more than welcome.

Ryeowook feels a bit better now after his nap; the fact that he woke up to Jongwoon cuddling up to him had been an extremely reassuring thing, too, because it showed him that the man wasn’t mad—or at least not mad enough to leave or give him the cold shoulder—at him for what he’s done. He honestly deeply regrets the words that escaped him, and he’s convinced that he still would’ve felt this way even if Jongwoon hadn’t been there to hear everything.

He was just… so angry, at his stepdad, at his mom, at himself for dropping that stupid light, at the world for whatever fucking reason and he needed to let it out somehow; unfortunately, he ended up using Jongwoon as a punching bag to put all the blame on. He isn’t aware that the man is watching them, still thinking him asleep in his room, so he promises himself to apologize to him when he goes to wake him up later when dinner is ready.

“You’ve always been such a good kid,” Eunsil compliments, bringing Ryeowook back from his thoughts to turn to his mom, who’s expressing her gratitude at Kyuhyun for helping her with something yet again.

Ryeowook snorts despite him, inadvertently bringing everyone’s attention over to him and putting him on the spot; Kyuhyun is glaring at him with faked offense, but Eunsil seems utterly confused by her son’s reaction.

“Why are you laughing ?” Kyuhyun questions dramatically.

“She called you a _ ‘good kid’_,” Ryeowook snickers. “We both know it’s a lie.”

“Oh, come on, you’re one to talk,” Eunsil playfully chastises him. “You were a little troublemaker as a kid too.”

The tension created by her awkwardness to interact with her son like a _ normal parent _ has lightened up quite a bit, though some of it still lingers in the air. It’s mostly due to the leftover bitterness Ryeowook still feels toward the fact that it took her twenty-one years and him yelling at her for her to finally _ fucking get it_, but she’s his mother—the only parent he’s got left, and although it’ll take him a long time to fully forgive her, he recognizes her efforts and wishes to give her a second chance.

It’ll take a lot more work than that, though, but that doesn’t mean Ryeowook has to be completely antagonistic to her anymore.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Ryeowook retorts confusedly—he really doesn’t have a clue where his mother is coming from with this. He’s always been kind of a teacher’s pet in school, always being the quiet and shy type; he never got into trouble or at least not on purpose.

“I remember you and your cousin Jungwook turning your grandmother’s house into a mess for fun while she had you two over and using her wool spools to make obstacle courses,” Eunsil recalls. “Poor woman had to clean up after you two little devils despite her old age.”

“She said she didn’t mind !” Ryeowook quickly defends. “Plus, we were _ six_, mom. I don’t think that counts.”

“It wouldn’t if you still weren’t a little brat today,” Jongwoon joins in as he walks closer to them, taking them by surprise.

Jongwoon means for his comment to be completely innocent—he’s referring to their banters and Ryeowook’s tendency to push his buttons just for fun, but Ryeowook takes it differently and he has to hide his face from the two others so they don’t catch him turning red as a tomato.

“How long have you been there ?” Ryeowook stutters slightly, flustered.

“Long enough to have learned that you liked to torment the elderly as a child,” Jongwoon teases as he reaches the island counter. “That’s not nice.”

“How were you as a child, Jongwoon ?” Eunsil then chips in, taking advantage of the topic to get to know the man better. She figures it’s a good idea to be acquainted with him if she wants to make amends.

“Me ? I was an angel,” Jongwoon lies—and he makes it obvious by his sarcastic tone. “Always obeying rules and never getting into trouble. A model student in school.”

“I don’t believe you,” Ryeowook squints at him. “I’m definitely asking Heechul for confirmation.”

“What kind of student is he now ?” Eunsil inquires, causing everyone to pause and look at her in confusion.

It takes Jongwoon an embarrassingly long time to realize that the woman probably believes he’s the same age as Ryeowook, or at least still in the age range to be in college. He knows he looks younger than his age and still gets asked for his ID when going out at times, but it’s still surprising to him that she still hasn’t realized that he’s older by his behavioral pattern—most people would’ve by now.

“I have no idea,” Ryeowook shrugs before Jongwoon can give her an answer.

“I already have a degree in literature,” Jongwoon clarifies. “Top of the graduates of 2013 in the same major.”

“2013 ?” Eunsil repeats, a little shocked at this information—that was six years ago, meaning he and Ryeowook had a significant age gap she hadn’t anticipated. At most, she would’ve given Jongwoon twenty-four, not somewhere around his thirties.

Before Jongwoon can confirm her suspicions, they hear a scoff coming from the dining room behind them, and everyone instantly knows their fun is about to be over thanks to whatever is coming next.

“Of course you’d pick a major like that,” Sikyung sneers.

“Excuse me ?” Jongwoon blinks at him.

“I mean, you guys always tend to follow your feelings rather than what’s logical,” Sikyung continues. “Literature, theater, music, art… all things that don’t guarantee you a stable job after you graduate. You know. Sentimental stuff.”

Sikyung weirdly doesn’t sound like he means to insult him. It’s more like he genuinely believes not only in what he’s saying, but that Jongwoon would agree with him on his nonsense. It’s almost disturbing.

“What’s so wrong with wanting to follow your passions ?” Jongwoon throws back, raising an eyebrow. He can’t fucking believe this guy.

“The fact that being passionate about something doesn’t pay the bills,” Sikyung counters, now sounding a little angrier and more serious.

“I think I do pretty well for myself,” Jongwoon argues. He’s not the type to boast about his success or his money, but this guy truly is fucking aggravating—it’s almost embarrassing.

“Yeah, but that won’t be the case for the majority of them,” Sikyung stubbornly insists. “And it puts their families in tricky situations because I’m not looking forward to not being able to retire peacefully because this one will crawl right back to this house and mooch off of us.”

The disgust in Sikyung’s face as he points toward Ryeowook with his chin enrages Jongwoon beyond belief—compared to this, the day he ended up beating up Zhoumi looks like _ nothing_—and his anger is so tangible that Ryeowook can feel it despite Jongwoon facing away from him, and it worries him to no end. There’s not much he can do about it from where he is, though, and he doubts Jongwoon can be reasoned with unless he places himself right between them. The only thing is, he’s so terrified of what’s about to happen that his legs cement themselves into the ground and he’s unable to move, frozen and forced to watch an argument he really doesn’t want to witness right now.

“You _ do not _ have the right to talk about him like that,” Jongwoon threatens as he takes a step forward.

Sikyung is absolutely unsettled by the coldness of Jongwoon’s otherwise calm and collected tone. He expected screaming, an angry fit, verbal empty threats, poor attempts at arguing and insults thrown at his head, but not this; not the boiling yet chilling aura emanating from Jongwoon filling his lungs and nearly choking him, nor this extremely uncomfortable feeling that he’s shrinking while the other man stands towering over him—Jesus fucking Christ, this Jongwoon guy is actually fucking terrifying, and it’s absolutely gut-wrenching for Sikyung to admit that to himself. It’s not supposed to be this way. A thin, average height gay man who looks like a teenage anime boy should not be this intimidating, which probably makes it even more unnerving to him.

“And I can’t believe you have the _ audacity _ to think he’s ever going to need you for _ anything_,” Jongwoon continues, stopping right in front of the man about an arm’s length away. His voice is deep, low and incredibly stern to let Sikyung know he’s not fucking around and coerce him into keeping quiet through fear alone. “There’s no place in his life for a pathetic, lousy little man who needs to compensate for his complexes regarding his tiny cock and performance issues by _ ‘acting like a real man’_, whatever the fuck that means to you, and it’s time you learn to take your _ real _ place and shut the fuck up before I make you.”

“You have no business making threats to me, especially when you stand under my roof,” Sikyung raises his voice, trying to stand up for himself out of pure toxic ego, but he’s betrayed by the audible gulp he had to take before he dared open his mouth.

“I don’t give a shit where we are,” Jongwoon spits, closing the gap between them, but he doesn’t touch him yet—he’s ready to defend himself if Sikyung strikes first, but he knows that if he starts getting physical with this guy, Sikyung will earn a free ride to the hospital and he’ll probably have a lawsuit on his hands. “It becomes my business when you go after _ my _ Ryeowook. You can insult me, hit me, yell at me, but you _ do not _ touch a single hair on his head or talk about him without going through me first.”

“Get out of my fucking space,” Sikyung curses before pushing Jongwoon away, sending the man stumbling back a few steps. “And get the fuck out of my house.”

Jongwoon remains on his feet, though, able to find his balance back without much problem. He shoots Sikyung a glare that makes the man regret his actions for a split second.

“Get out of Ryeowook’s life and maybe I’ll consider it,” Jongwoon provokes him, groaning in anger. He’s fucking triggered now and he’s close to seeing red.

Jongwoon is about to get back right into the man’s face when he’s stopped by someone grabbing his arm to keep him from closing the gap again, but instead of acting like a wake up call and make him realize that this is getting nowhere, it only angers him more that someone dared to stop him from giving Sikyung a real piece of his mind. He’s so fucking furious, in fact, that seeing Ryeowook’s worried face look back at him with pleading eyes does nothing to calm him down, not even a little—it almost makes it worse.

“Jongwoon, stop !” Ryeowook begs, and it’s just about the breaking point for Jongwoon who grunts in disagreement before aggressively jerking his arm out of Ryeowook’s grasp, leaving the boy in a near state of panic.

It’s not like Jongwoon at all to react to him this way.

“No,” Jongwoon’s voice booms. “No, I’m not gonna fucking stop,” he insists. “You may be okay with this fucking asshole walking all over you, but I certainly am not ! You can’t fucking ask me to quietly sit back and let him berate you and treat you like shit !”

“Fighting won’t he—” Ryeowook stutters, on the verge of tears. Jongwoon’s never been angry at him before nor has he ever yelled in front of him; the most he’s done is curse at his editor over the phone.

“Doing nothing won’t help either !” the man snaps at him then.

The room falls into deafening silence immediately after—no one even dares to breathe, all eyes**—**besides Sikyung who are still glaring in disdain and rage at Jongwoon—staring at Ryeowook, who slowly lowers his arms and takes a small step back. Fuck.

Oh fuck.

_ What the hell has he just done ? _

Jongwoon himself can’t believe what just happened, and he stays frozen in place as the urge to puke tickles the back of his throat. He feels like he’s falling from a tower—it’s a miracle he doesn’t end up on his ass on the floor just now, because his strength completely abandons him the moment he witnesses Ryeowook’s face falling and the hurt in his eyes. Shit.

He wants to apologize, to reach out to him with his now trembling hands and tell him how sorry he is and beg for forgiveness, to reassure him and promise him he didn’t mean to yell at him and that it’ll never happen again, but his body refuses to listen to him. Instead, his anger gains control of his thoughts and movements again, though it’s now directed at himself—and the next thing he knows, he’s walking out the door under everyone’s petrified eyes. He needs to be alone to reflect over all of this. He trusts Kyuhyun to handle Ryeowook for now, because if the boy didn’t need him before, he certainly doesn’t need him now.

Kyuhyun is the first to snap out of his stupor, shaking himself back to reality before walking up to Ryeowook to check up on him. The boy is still mostly in shock, but there’s mostly confusion in his gaze as he stares at the archway Jongwoon just disappeared into rather than fear or any signs that he’s going to cry. Kyuhyun is also confounded by Jongwoon’s behaviour just then—he may not know the guy very well, but from his earlier conversation with him and what he’s gathered so far, he’s sure that Jongwoon truly _ does _ care for Ryeowook, _ a lot_. He guesses he must’ve been hurt by all of this much more than he let out, but his priority right now is to make sure his friend is okay.

“Wookie ?” Kyuhyun calls tentatively, unsure of whether or not he should try to shake Ryeowook out of his frozen state.

Ryeowook turns to him, blinking rapidly, but he doesn’t have time to say anything before Sikyung opens his mouth to give his own two cents nobody asked for, as always.

“What did I say about them being too emotional ?” he deadpans, turning to Kyuhyun in hopes of gaining his support, but the boy doesn’t even look at him.

His wife also doesn’t seem to agree with him, if the obvious disappointment in her eyes is anything to go by.

“Why don’t you go sit in the living room for a moment ?” Eunsil suggests, speaking softly so she can make it come across as anything but a _ demand_. “I’ll handle it.”

While Sikyung’s views on gay people being effeminate and not ‘real’ men could very much—and understandably so—come across as extremely misogynistic, he wasn’t the type to want to assert dominance over women and especially not his wife, whom he actually loved despite coming off as someone who couldn’t hold such thing in his cold, dead heart. Her suggestion does hit his pride a little, but he doesn’t argue with her and does as he proposed, leaving her and Kyuhyun with Ryeowook to go watch the news on TV in the other room.

“Are you okay ?” Eunsil asks her son once Sikyung is out of sight, coming up to stand on his other side.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook nods at her. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little… startled.”

“Does he usually get this angry at you ?” she questions, now worried—Jongwoon may not have gotten physical with Ryeowook aside from sharply freeing himself from his grasp, but who knows what could happen behind closed doors when no one else is looking ?

Jongwoon seems like a good person in appearance, and he appears to be extremely protective of Ryeowook, but there’s something about it that ticks off her ‘mom senses’ in the wrong way. The fact that she’s just found out how much older he is than her son—from her calculations, assuming he didn’t skip grades in school, he should be at least twenty-nine—certainly doesn’t help either. Another thing that stuck with her was how the man had referred to her son as _ ‘his’ _ Ryeowook earlier as though it was a given even his parents should know about and accept; she doesn’t know him, but so far, her impression of him is quite negative.

She’s been a passive presence in Ryeowook’s life since his father left them, and this was one of the biggest regrets of her life. She loves her son dearly, always has, but she had an extremely hard time dealing with all of this since he reminded her so much of her ex-husband; and by the time she’d finally moved on, Sikyung came in and made it very difficult to try and make it up to Ryeowook. The fact that she was very ignorant at the time about gay issues, having been brought up in a time where this sort of thing wasn’t even discussed, certainly only complicated things. She made the mistake of adopting the same sort of mentality as her own mother had about it, thinking it must be a phase and that it would pass, though she’d always been silent about it.

Seeing him with Jongwoon now acted as a wake up call to her that this truly isn’t something her son could change, and she _ is _ okay with that now. All that matters to her is that he’s happy, but she doesn’t know if he can with a man like Jongwoon after what she’s just witnessed. She’s willing to welcome anyone Ryeowook would introduce to her in her life, but not if they show aggressive, abusive or rude behaviour. Ryeowook needs to be safe; and she is bringing Jongwoon’s ability to do that in question now.

“No, he doesn’t,” Ryeowook shakes his head. “Not at me. But he does get riled up easily when he thinks or sees someone hurting me.” He doesn’t want to bring up the details of what that entails, because he can tell his mom is suspicious of him—she’s asking similar questions to the ones Sungmin had before, and the concern in her eyes is hard to miss. “I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.”

It doesn’t change the fact that Ryeowook’s feelings had been hurt by it a little, however, but it helped soothe the pain and reassure him to know that Jongwoon’s intentions never were to cause him any harm. He knows Jongwoon isn’t a danger to him. He’s never once felt unsafe in his presence—on the contrary, even. Jongwoon was his primary source of comfort even when the man was at the source of his concerns, because just knowing that he was there for him and not thinking of leaving could perform miracles on him.

“Do you think he left ?” she continues her interrogation.

“I don’t think he did,” Kyuhyun chips in when Ryeowook couldn’t give her an answer. “He went out today for fresh air when something was troubling him and I found him lying on the hood of his car in the street. I bet it’s there still. I’ll go check on it.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t actually feel the need to verify his claims, because he already knows he’s right—Jongwoon affirmed earlier today that no matter how upset he was, he could never leave Ryeowook alone here. He’s just looking for a reason to leave Ryeowook and his mom alone so they can hopefully chat and make amends; while he is upset at her for her for her constant inaction, he’d rather have her as an ally now than never, and he doesn’t think his presence is needed for them to make up at least a little.

“You’re happy with him, right ?” Eunsil insists, not paying attention to Kyuhyun’s reply. “Are you sure you’re safe with him ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook affirms, nodding again. It feels strangely nice for once to have someone worry about him like that—he guesses that it’s because it shows that his mother truly does care about him after all. “You don’t have to worry about me. He’s a good man, deep down. He’s just very protective.”

“And his age doesn’t bother you at all ?”

Ryeowook cocks his head to the side in confusion. The question appears to be coming out of nowhere, and it takes him some time to realize how the hell could she know about it when half an hour ago, she still thought he was in college—the fact that Jongwoon told her he graduated in 2013 had completely slipped his mind.

“Does it bother _ you _ ?” he throws back at her. If she’s asking, it means she thinks something is wrong, and he’s not sure his confirmation that he’s fine with it—well, aside from the occasional insecurity of coming off as too immature popping up to say hello once in a while—will change her mind on that.

“I don’t know,” she shrugs and shakes her head a little. “I know you’re an adult now and you can make your own decisions, but he's already out of college and I assume he has a stable job so I got… I don’t know. Worried that you thought there was some power imbalance in your relationship ?”

Their dominant-submissive dynamic probably shouldn’t be the first thing Ryeowook thinks about since he’s well aware that his mom didn’t mean it that way, but it is, and he has to stop himself for a moment to shake that image away and come up with a more serious answer to that. As far as he knows, Jongwoon’s never used his age as a weapon against him—he never really brings it up unless Ryeowook teases him about it first, nor has he used any of the other things his age gives him to coerce him into doing anything and the boy knows he could’ve. He’s got money, fame and influence, on top of a large social media following that honestly still intimidates him whenever he thinks about it; he could’ve used any of those to blackmail him into doing things or acting a certain way, but he never did.

If anything, Jongwoon’s always made sure to let him know _ he’s _ truly the one with the most power in all of this despite the appearances.

“Oh, no, there’s none of that between us,” Ryeowook swears. “He’s never treated me differently because I’m younger. And he’s not _ that _ much older—it’s not like he could be my dad or something like that.”

“You know him much better than I do,” Eunsil concedes, “but please promise me that if things get bad, you’ll leave him. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy.”

She knows that from experience, unfortunately, and Ryeowook is aware of that too. There’s a part of him that wants to give her a hug right now, but he abstains from it because he knows deep down that it’ll cause much more awkwardness than comfort for the both of them. Things aren’t as rough as they were before, but they’re not at that stage yet.

Ryeowook nods at her, agreeing to her terms. He wasn’t planning on staying with Jongwoon if the relationship took a bad turn anyway, no matter how much he loves him—that love comes with _ rational _ conditions.

“I promise he’s not a bad person,” Ryeowook presses. “He really means well. He just gets fired up by certain things he can’t stand. I think Sikyung pushed him too far.”

Eunsil hesitates for a moment. She’s a little torn; on one side, she wants what’s best for her son and she believes the best way to do that is to let him make decisions for himself, because he’s the only one who knows what makes him happy, but on the other, she doesn’t know if she should just wipe all that away and pretend like nothing ever happened.

“He’s gonna have to work really hard to prove that to me,” she declares. It’s her way of letting Ryeowook know that while she won’t forgive Jongwoon so quickly, she still trusts her son enough to agree to give his boyfriend a second chance, though she doubts he’ll be able to make it up to her this time.

Ryeowook’s face lights up for a moment, brief but long enough for Eunsil to notice, and it’s the only validation she needs to know she hasn’t completely fucked up this time around. Sighing in relief, she gives Ryeowook a small affectionate tap on the cheek to let him know she supports him before turning around to get ready to pick up cooking where she left off. She beckons her son to come with her to help, hoping it’ll change his mind off of things—she knows he’s loved cooking since he was a child and it’s something she always encouraged—but Ryeowook doesn’t move from his spot.

He looks like he’s hesitating on something.

“What’s up ?” Eunsil checks.

“Do you mind if I…” Ryeowook stutters, balancing himself on his feet.

“You want to go see him ?” she guesses. Ryeowook nods shyly, almost looking embarrassed or slightly guilty about it. Eunsil sighs in resignation before giving him a little smile. “Go. I’ll have Kyuhyun help instead.”

Without hesitating further, Ryeowook hurries out of his apron, carelessly hanging it on the hook beside the fridge—anyone watching him would think his impatience stems from excitement, but it’s mostly out of fear and slight panic that the more he leaves Jongwoon on his own, the more the man will get riled up and mad at him. His anxiety is made apparent the second he reaches the front door where Kyuhyun is waiting, peeking at Jongwoon’s still parked car in the street through the tiny window right to its side, and he suddenly halts and freezes in place for a second. He thinks his heart may have stopped beating and his breathing comes out shaky when he tries to exhale deeply.

“I think he’s lounging on the backseat of his car,” Kyuhyun states—he thinks he can see the outline of Jongwoon’s head through the tinted windows.

Ryeowook gives him a little nod and a forced smile to thank him, fidgeting too much to trust his own voice at this point. Taking one last deep breath that he holds until he steps foot outside, the boy twists the handle, ready to confront his boyfriend, whom he honestly hopes is actually in his car because he can’t tell.

He has to peep inside from the passenger side window at the front to check for any signs of him, and it takes him a few seconds to spot one of the man’s legs extended onto the backseat through the crack between the two front seats, the other leg most likely bent closer to Jongwoon’s chest. It’s both a huge relief and stressful to see him there—he didn’t leave, but it also means Ryeowook is going to have to talk to him and he’s just realized that he doesn’t even have a single clue of what he should tell him.

Still, he knows he has to, so he takes his courage by both hands and walks to the other side to knock on the window by Jongwoon’s foot, catching the man’s attention inside, who up until then had kept his eyes closed and head tilted to face the ceiling.

Ryeowook gets no answer for about half a minute, and he’s ready to dejectedly go back inside thinking Jongwoon is too mad to talk to him when the door finally cracks open, giving him permission to climb in and join Jongwoon in the back, who seemingly hasn’t changed position and thus forcing Ryeowook to sit between the man’s legs, though he doesn’t really pay it any mind.

His boyfriend isn’t looking at him, still facing the ceiling as though he wanted to avert his eyes, and for a long time, they just both sit there in complete silence; a silence that weirdly enough, albeit a little tense, isn’t as awkward as Ryeowook had anticipated—it’s surprisingly serene especially given the state he’s last seen Jongwoon in.

_ That’s when he notices. _

“Jongwoon—” Ryeowook blurts out as he kneels on the seat to get closer to the man, though he hesitates to touch or even reach out to him. “Are you… crying ?”

Jongwoon doesn’t respond, out of shame or too in pain, but Ryeowook knows he’s right and his heart crumbles into dust in that very instant. He’s only seen Jongwoon cry once, and that time he was drunk and babbling nonsense about him keeping a heart in his pocket—which he still hasn’t gotten an explanation for, not that it really matters at this point, with all the other shit going on at the moment. This time, it’s very real, and fuck, it hurts; Ryeowook can’t help but think that it’s his fault for being so unnecessarily mean and dismissive of him and lashing out at him for no reason. In his own pain and anger, he hadn’t realized just how much his behaviour had affected Jongwoon, and it’s made worse now that he sees that the man has probably kept quiet about how he felt for his sake and that he didn’t have the decency to do the same thing to him.

“Jongwoon, I’m so sor—”

“It’s not your fault,” Jongwoon cuts him off, voice soft, tired and broken, as he wipes away his tears with the palm of his hand.

“I said horrible things I didn’t mean earlier,” Ryeowook reminds him. “I understand that it hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Jongwoon readjusts his position a little to sit up straighter and finally look Ryeowook in the eye—his own are puffy, still welled up and red, but tears are no longer rolling down his cheeks. To be honest, facing Ryeowook when he’s like this is one of the hardest things he’s had to do in his entire life; he feels so pathetic and weak, and now his baby gets to see just how fragile and broken he is and on top of that think it’s his fault when it isn’t, at least not in Jongwoon’s point of view. He’s the only one to blame in this, him and his inability to contain his emotions and stay strong when things get too rough, but he wants the boy to know he’s sincere when he says he’s not mad at him—at least not anymore.

“I should’ve listened to you,” Ryeowook continues. “I shouldn’t have given him so much power, but I just…”

“I get it,” Jongwoon assures him. “It’s me who’s selfish.”

“That’s not tr—”

“Baby, listen to me,” Jongwoon interrupts again, still speaking softly but using a sterner tone. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“But you’re crying because—”

“I’m crying because I hate to see you in pain,” Jongwoon corrects him before Ryeowook can make any assumptions.

Jongwoon’s sincerity suffice to make Ryeowook stop in his attempts to somehow convince the man to let him apologize. If Jongwoon hadn’t been crying, his confession would’ve warmed up his heart and made him happy, but now, it’s just painful to hear—he’s been so horrible to him all day and yet Jongwoon still cares _ this much _ and doesn’t hold any ill feeling towards him when he’s clearly entitled to be mad at him. Jongwoon is too good for him, and all Ryeowook did to pay him back for driving across the country to come take care of him was to push him away and claim that he didn’t want him here.

Now he’s the one who feels like crying.

“I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that,” Jongwoon chokes on a sob he hasn’t felt coming. Fuck. “My hands are still shaking just thinking about it.” He then lets out a sad little chuckle to try and defuse his cries, lifting his hands up to show Ryeowook what he’s talking about, and another tear streams down his face despite him.

He hates himself so much.

“I’m so sorry, baby— _ hmpf_,” he blurts out in surprise when Ryeowook leaps forward to wrap his arms around his neck, and he reflexively mirrors the boy’s action around his waist without giving it a single thought.

Ryeowook is trembling as he forces himself to cry silently, not wanting to blow up in a full-on sobbing fit and force Jongwoon to deal with him when he clearly is the one who needs the most reassurance at the moment.

“Please stop blaming yourself for everything,” Ryeowook means it to be an order, but it actually ends up being a plea, because it hurts him too much to see Jongwoon take on so much pain and guilt just to take it off of his shoulders and it’s not something he can bear to see. “I don’t want you to carry my emotions on top of yours. It’s killing you.”

“I can’t help it,” Jongwoon argues into his neck as he nuzzles into it. “You have to go through so much already. I just want you to be happy. With me.”

“I already am, silly,” Ryeowook chokes as a chuckle escapes him, and he pulls away to wipe his tears away and take a better look at Jongwoon. They’re both crying like absolute idiots over how much they care for each other and it’s fucking stupid, but then again, nothing they feel for each other is normal. “Just because I get sad sometimes doesn’t mean you don’t make me happy. You’re an absolute buffoon but I love you and I don’t want you to bend yourself over in half to give me something you can already give me by just being _ you_.”

“You’re really gonna make me believe I’m dating a nine hundred-year-old sage,” Jongwoon jokes, wanting to shift the mood to something much joyful and lighter just as Ryeowook does, because they’re both conscious of how ridiculous it all is and he’s tired of basking in so much negativity. “How can you be so wise yet so innocent at the same time ?”

“Because I have to compensate for how dumb and corrupted you are ?” Ryeowook snickers. It’s stronger than him to insult Jongwoon like that because he’s both mad at the both of them while also being overjoyed with relief that they’re going to be okay in the end and it’s so confusing that it comes out all wrong.

Jongwoon knows why he’s doing that too, so he doesn’t actually mind it despite how offended he fakes being.

Taking Ryeowook by surprise, Jongwoon grabs him by the back of the thighs to swiftly pull him forward and force him to sit in his lap properly. The boy gasps in shock and lets out a little whimper against his will—he loves being manhandled too much and apparently being upset doesn’t change that.

Well, he wouldn’t say he’s upset right now. He actually doesn’t know what he’s feeling; it’s too confusing and contradicting for him to understand it. All he knows is that he’s safe and in good hands despite everything, and that’s all that matters to him for now.

“I’ll show you dumb and corrupted, you little devil,” Jongwoon threatens before his lips latch on to Ryeowook’s throat, making the boy whimper a bit louder than the last time.

One of Jongwoon’s arms snakes around his waist to keep their hips locked against each other’s while he hooks the other under Ryeowook’s arm and his hand reaches up to push against the back of the boy’s head, and his grasp on him is so iron tight that Ryeowook has no means of escape—just the way he loves it. It honestly feels great to share an intimate moment like this after everything that happened between them; make up sex, as Kyuhyun would call it, and it seems Jongwoon doesn’t plan on doing things halfway and going soft on him, which he honestly doesn’t mind one bit.

Jongwoon grunts into his skin as he bites down on his pulse, fully intent on marking him to show that Ryeowook is his and there’s nothing they can do to change that, and Ryeowook isn’t stopping him. On the contrary—he leans into him even more and tilts his head to the side to give him easier access to Jongwoon’s delight.

Planting his heels into the seat and bending his knees up until they lay flush against Ryeowook’s lower back, Jongwoon pushes his hips upwards right up against the boy’s perineum, and fuck, just that almost makes Ryeowook see stars. Jongwoon is already so fucking hard, he can feel it through his pants, and it’s so arousing to him that he forgets where they are and what led to this very memory is nothing but a fleeting memory; there’s nothing else, only lust and palpable sexual tension as Jongwoon sneaks his hands under Ryeowook’s shirt, taking the time to feel his burning skin under his palms.

He takes too much time, in fact, because just as he’s about to pull Ryeowook’s shirt up over his head, the car door at his feet opens wide, immediately putting an end to their activities in probably the rudest way ever—didn’t he learn how to knock ?

“I see you guys made up,” Kyuhyun deadpans, completely unbothered by the scene unfolding in front of him.

The only one who seems to feel some sense of embarrassment is Ryeowook, who instantly turns bright red and tries to climb off of Jongwoon’s lap but to no avail since the man isn’t intent on releasing him from his vice grip. The only thing he does is to lift his chin up to look at Kyuhyun, leaning against the top of the door, to ask what the fuck he’s doing here at this time with a simple glare.

“I just came to say dinner’s ready,” Kyuhyun answers his silent question. “If you guys are still hungry after you’re done with whatever you were planning on doing.”

Kyuhyun shuts the door right after like nothing happened to sit on the porch and wait for them, pulling out his phone to pass the time—he feels too awkward about going back in and having to explain why they aren’t coming back, at least it is for Ryeowook, and he’s a terrible liar.

“Jongwoon…” Ryeowook sighs when the man continues to suck and nibble at his skin, completely unbothered by the fact that Kyuhyun’s just caught them right as things were getting heated. “We can’t…”

Jongwoon doesn’t reply right away, but his grips loosens a little and his kisses grow less aggressive, telling Ryeowook that while he wishes they could continue, he still respects his decision. He trails his lips back up the boy’s neck slowly, hot breath tickling the skin, ending at his cheek where he leaves a small peck before finally drawing back to look at him. Ryeowook is still red as a tomato, slightly panting, and there’s still lust in his eyes hidden behind his terror caused by getting caught. He’s never had that happen to him before—Jongwoon has, multiple times, and he’s entirely desensitized to it.

“You’re gonna be alright going back in there ?” Jongwoon whispers, caressing Ryeowook’s cheek.

Ryeowook realizes now with that question that Jongwoon can’t really go back with him—Sikyung wouldn’t let that happen, which is sadly understandable, and he gets that his boyfriend also doesn’t feel comfortable facing his parents after lashing out and provoking his stepdad into physical violence. He’d feel safer going back inside with him, but he still has Kyuhyun to lower the damages, so he nods at Jongwoon.

“I’ll be right here if anything happens, okay ?”

“Thank you,” Ryeowook breathes.

He starts tearing up again; he doesn’t deserve Jongwoon. It hurts him deep down to know that the man cares about him so much that he’s willing to go through all of that just for him. Not that he wants his boyfriend to leave him, but he wishes he’d be more selfish and put himself first sometimes.

He wonders just how many times Jongwoon has pushed his own emotions away to take care of him throughout their entire relationship, because he sure as hell knows it isn’t the first time he’s done this.

“No no no, please don’t cry,” Jongwoon panics a little as he delicately brushes his thumb under Ryeowook’s eyes to catch his tears. He doesn’t understand where this comes from or why his baby is getting emotional all of a sudden, but he _ hates _ seeing him like this.

Ryeowook chokes on a sob as he chuckles despite him—fuck, he loves that man so fucking much.

“Everything’s gonna be okay, baby,” Jongwoon reassures him. “I can take you out of here if you can’t—”

“I’m okay,” Ryeowook asserts, wiping his tears on his other eye with the side of his palm. “I just… love you so much.”

“Come here,” Jongwoon beckons as he sighs in relief, heart warming up at the confession, and he smiles at him fondly.

Ryeowook leans over to press his cheek against his shoulder right above his heart at his command, and he lets himself be cradled into Jongwoon’s arms as he listens to the soothing rhythm of the man’s heartbeat. By then, he doesn’t expect Jongwoon to say it back, but he feels so loved in that moment that he’s not as upset about it as he usually would be.

“I’ll always be there for you,” Jongwoon vows. “You know that, right ?”

Ryeowook nods into his chest. It feels so comfortable here that he thinks he might end up falling asleep if he stays there long enough. “I’m sorry,” he suddenly apologizes again. He still feels so guilty about what he’s done.

“I know,” Jongwoon assures him. Getting Ryeowook not to hold himself accountable for what happened seemingly doesn’t work, so he’s given up on that goal and guesses that his best bet now is to make him understand that he doesn’t hold it against him. “It’s okay. Do I look upset or mad at you right now ?”

Ryeowook lifts his head up to look at the man’s face and slowly shakes his head—all he sees is care and affection in the man’s eyes.

Jongwoon smiles at him. “Now go,” he playfully shoos him away. “Unless you want Kyuhyun to think I actually did end up fucking you in here.”

Ryeowook chuckles despite him, and he playfully hits Jongwoon in the chest before climbing down from his lap. He can tell that Jongwoon is still hard—he was still able to feel it against the curve of his ass this whole time, and now that he’s off of him, he can see the bulge in his pants—and part of him doesn’t like the idea of leaving him with a hard on, but the mood was ruined for him and the man doesn’t seem to pay it any mind in the first place.

“Scream if there’s anything,” Jongwoon winks at him as Ryeowook steps out of the car, and the boy rolls his eyes at him before shutting the door, leaving Jongwoon to wallow in his own thoughts once again.

Jongwoon throws his head back against the window and lets out a heavy sigh. He’s so, _ so _ fucked.

“That was quick,” Kyuhyun smirks as he spots Ryeowook approaching, and he puts his phone back into his pocket before he stands up.

“Nothing happened,” Ryeowook immediately denies. “You ruined the mood.”

“You might wanna say that to that huge love bite on your neck,” Kyuhyun hums, dubious.

Reflexively, Ryeowook pats at the skin on the side of his neck to check what Kyuhyun is talking about, and he can feel the tender skin as well as the teeth marks surrounding the bruise—he can’t see it, but it’s not like he doesn’t know what a hickey looks like—where Jongwoon had been sucking and biting earlier.

“Shit,” Ryeowook curses, shooting a glare in the direction of Jongwoon’s car. He’s not actually mad at the man for it—just worried that it’ll cause yet another fuss if his parents, especially his stepdad, sees it.

“I guess he’s not coming,” Kyuhyun figures.

“I kinda feel bad for leaving him here alone,” Ryeowook bites on his lower lip as he looks at the car again.

“What if we eat outside ?” Kyuhyun suggests, shrugging.

“That’s… an idea, I guess ?” Ryeowook considers, though he’s unsure how that’s going to play out.

Still, he decides to give it a try, because it’s not even a question what he prefers between sharing a meal with his boyfriend and best friend or his parents. Out of habit, Kyuhyun enters the house first, keeping Ryeowook close behind so he can act as a barrier in case Sikyung decides to act up again, which he’s sure he will—he’s not the type to back down even if he’s being intimidated. He’s too stubborn for that. There’s really no getting through to him and he’s not even going to try.

Hesitantly, they make their way into the kitchen, completely avoiding eye contact with Sikyung who’s now sitting at the table and glaring at them—well, at Ryeowook more specifically. Kyuhyun makes sure he completely blocks the guy’s ray of vision so he doesn’t spot the hickey on Ryeowook’s neck, because Jongwoon didn’t go for subtlety at all.

“Hey mom,” Ryeowook calls timidly, speaking low in hopes that his stepdad won’t hear. “Do you mind if Kyuhyun and I go eat outside ?”

Eunsil blinks, a little surprised by the question, but she doesn’t have time to reply before Sikyung chips in with a groan of disapproval.

“Dinner is meant to be eaten at the table,” he scolds. It’s not that he wants to eat with them, but he’s oldschool like that; it’s disrespectful, especially when you’re a guest in someone’s home, to do otherwise.

Ryeowook’s first thought is to give up on his idea and follow his stepdad’s order, just like he usually would to avoid conflict. But for once, that way of thinking actually angers him; he’s tired of acting like this guy’s puppet, and Jongwoon is right—doing nothing pretty much yields the same results as fighting back. He knows his boyfriend is there to protect him, and he’s got Kyuhyun by his side now, so with newfound confidence, Ryeowook takes a deep breath and firmly plants his feet into the ground to face his stepdad.

“It’s not you I asked,” Ryeowook spits, fists clenched. “I asked mom. I’ll only take _ her _ answer.”

Kyuhyun turns to stare at Ryeowook, wide-eyed—he did _ not _ expect that at all. He was getting ready to argue with Sikyung to get him to give in, but he’s so proud that his friend found the courage to stand up for himself. Sikyung seemingly didn’t anticipate that either, and his shock prevents him from arguing back long enough for Eunsil to snap out of her own stupor and take the cue Ryeowook’s just thrown at her.

“If that’s what you want,” Eunsil agrees. “Help yourself.”

Ryeowook mouths her a _ ‘thank you’ _ as he and Kyuhyun walk past her to make their own plates, purposely putting too much food on them so that Jongwoon can eat too without explicitly letting Sikyung know the man is still there and he and Ryeowook have made up—Eunsil, however, was able to guess that Jongwoon was the reason the boys wanted to eat out on the porch, which is why she decided to let them do it.

Sikyung is still staring at his wife in absolute bewilderment as the boys sneak out of the house to sit on the lawn in the front yard. They find Jongwoon leaning against his car, typing something on his phone; he didn’t know they would come back, but he wanted to stay on standby in case anything happened inside.

He’s happy to see them, nonetheless.

“I’m full,” Kyuhyun grunts as he lets himself fall back on the grass.

Ryeowook giggles at his friend and leans to the side to rest his head on Jongwoon’s shoulder; right now, in this moment, he feels at peace. _ This _ is family to him, though he’s a bit sad that Sungmin is missing, and he feels lucky in his misfortune nonetheless because he has them—Kyuhyun, Sungmin and Jongwoon—meaning he’ll never be completely alone when things get tougher.

“I don’t want to go back inside,” Ryeowook mumbles to himself.

“You could always get a hotel room,” Kyuhyun suggests. “I’ll go back to my parents’ house and we won’t have to deal with Sikyung’s hissy fits.”

“I’m all for it,” Jongwoon asserts, turning to Ryeowook. “That way we can have some intimacy without _ someone _ interrupting,” he adds as he presses his lips to his temple.

“Jongwoon !” Ryeowook gasps, hitting the man on the chest hard enough for the sound to resonate through his body.

“Look man, how was I supposed to know—” Kyuhyun defends himself, but realizes midway that his argument doesn’t hold. “Actually, nevermind, I should’ve expected it.”

“What do you say, baby ?” Jongwoon chuckles, wanting to make sure Ryeowook is okay with that idea—he’s a hundred percent down for it.

Ryeowook bites his lip and nods. It’s not much of a choice, and despite his current embarrassment, he likes the idea of being alone with Jongwoon and everything that may come with it. He feels like he’d finally be able to breathe, and he needs it now more than ever with the funeral tomorrow.

“I’m gonna check what’s available for us here,” Jongwoon states as he pulls out his phone, using his other hand to gently stroke and brush the hair at the back of Ryeowook’s head.

This simple gesture lulls the boy into a drowsy state, and he leans even more into Jongwoon, feeling himself slip; he’s missed this. It feels so nice to float up in that space with Jongwoon nearby to make him feel safe while his whole body relaxes. The change is visible enough for Kyuhyun to notice when he glances up at them, but he says nothing—he’s mostly impressed by how comfortable Ryeowook looks in the man’s presence.

“You guys are so in love it makes me sick,” Kyuhyun teasingly complains.

Jongwoon chuckles at that, but Ryeowook’s mind is too foggy to react to it at all.

The man is just about to book a room in a hotel he deems decent compared to all the other ones he’s seen when the door opens, bringing both his and Kyuhyun’s attention to the house. Jongwoon’s stomach churns in anger when he spots Sikyung standing in the opening, and he lowers his hand to Ryeowook’s hip to pull him closer against him; everything in him is screaming at him to protect the boy.

“You’re still here,” Sikyung scoffs as he stares at Jongwoon, who decides to completely ignore him and continue with his transaction.

It hurts the older man’s ego much more than anything Jongwoon could’ve told him.

Upon hearing his stepdad’s voice, Ryeowook is slowly brought out of his comfortable state and starts trembling unbeknownst to him, really not liking the sudden contrast between his feeling of absolute safety and the sense of dread he feels now. Jongwoon’s hand flies back up to his neck to massage the nape—it doesn’t stop the trembling and the nausea the boy is experiencing, but it prevents it from getting worse, so at least it’s something.

Sikyung’s disgust at this display of affection is obvious on his face and Kyuhyun, the only person paying him any attention right now, notices right away. God. Not again.

“What’s up ?” Kyuhyun inquires, hoping to avoid yet another catastrophe by shifting the conversation to the reason behind Sikyung’s appearance.

“I came to get the plates back,” Sikyung flatly answers, still glaring at Jongwoon. “Eunsil and I are about to do the dishes.”

“Oh, right,” Kyuhyun exclaims, grabbing Jongwoon’s and Ryeowook’s shared plate as he gets up.

In the meantime, Jongwoon finishes with his task, and he turns his complete attention to Ryeowook, tuning out Sikyung and everything else surrounding them. He only side-eyes Sikyung to make sure he’s watching when he leaves a lingering kiss on the boy’s forehead, watching as the man’s face turns red with anger, and he’s so outraged by it that he hurries back inside to avoid seeing more of it.

“We should probably go and grab our stuff while the guy is busy,” Kyuhyun suggests.

Jongwoon glances over at Ryeowook to gauge his current state, and the boy still looks terrified; it’s not a good idea at all to let him go back in there under any circumstances, whether he’s there or not to protect him. Kyuhyun seems to understand his worries too and he completely agrees with it—he’s also extremely uncomfortable with the idea.

“I’ll go,” Kyuhyun declares. “I’ll be right b—”

“No, no,” Jongwoon softly halts him. “Let me do it.”

“Are you sure ?” Kyuhyun checks, puzzled.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon affirms as he helps Ryeowook get to his feet. “I want to at least apologize to Eunsil for… everything. Will you watch over Ryeowook for me ?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kyuhyun nods as he automatically walks up to Ryeowook, ready to take over the task of looking after the boy the minute Jongwoon leaves.

Kyuhyun is a little worried about what might happen if he lets Jongwoon confront Sikyung alone, but he decides to trust the guy—and if Sikyung ends up with a broken nose like Zhoumi did, he won’t hold it against him. He deserves it.

Jongwoon beelines for the guest room right as he steps inside, wanting to at least make it there before he’s inevitably stopped by Sikyung and prevented from progressing further into the house. Unfortunately for him, both he and Eunsil heard him come in, and the creaking of the bedroom door as he pushes it open gives him away.

Normally, neither of them would’ve bat an eyelid, because they knew they had people over—this time, though, Jongwoon was at play, and Sikyung really didn’t want him to stay and benefit from their hospitality after he dared to disrespect him the way he did. Needing to make sure Jongwoon wasn’t tagging along with whoever just entered, whom he assumes to be either Ryeowook or Kyuhyun, he’s horrifyingly surprised when he comes face to face with Jongwoon as the man is packing up their stuff and shoving it back into their bags.

“What the hell are you doing here ?” Sikyung booms, startling Jongwoon who hadn’t heard him coming. For fuck’s sake. Why did it have to be him ?

Sighing, Jongwoon momentarily stops what he’s doing to turn to the man, gaze as cold as ice and face completely expressionless.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” Jongwoon passive-aggressively assures him. “I just came to grab our stuff.”

“You guys are leaving ?” Eunsil’s voice calls from behind her husband, who scoots to the side to allow her to at least see who she’s talking to.

Jongwoon nods as he slowly picks up packing, though he’s mindful to still look at her as he speaks for the most part.

“Ryeowook isn’t feeling well,” he explains. He then glares at Sikyung again as the man leaves, most likely to resume his dishes, content with the fact that both Jongwoon _ and _ Ryeowook are leaving. “I’d rather have him with me to take care of him, and we’re both uncomfortable staying here after the commotion I’ve caused. Which I wanted to apologize to you about, too.”

Eunsil appears surprised at Jongwoon’s sincerity and politeness—she hadn’t had much opportunity to talk to him so far, and most of the time she’s spent with him had been rather disastrous, to say the least. She stays silent, however, still pondering over whether she should believe him or not; she’s still suspicious of him, so she doesn’t know if taking his word for it will be enough.

“I would try and find a justification for it,” Jongwoon continues, noticing her hesitation, “but I understand that as a mother, it’s your job to worry about your kid’s safety. But if my word means anything to you, I promise all I care about is his well-being.”

“I appreciate your honesty,” Eunsil concedes.

Jongwoon understands the meaning behind those words—she’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, but she’ll remain weary of him until he’s able to prove himself to her, which he believes is completely fair.

“Thank you for your understanding,” Jongwoon nods at her in acknowledgement as he zips the last bag—Ryeowook’s—shut and throws it over his shoulder.

Eunsil steps aside to let him pass through the door, and she walks him back to the exit to quietly observe Jongwoon’s interactions with Ryeowook to try to spot any sign of aggressive or shady behavior, but she finds none. Jongwoon actually does look very caring from the way he guides Ryeowook to his car and takes care of putting their bags in the backseat, but he doesn’t know if it’s because he knows she’s watching and suspicious of him or if it’s how he is usually.

“Kyuhyun, can you come here for a second ?” Eunsil calls out as Kyuhyun walks past her, extending out her arm as if she wanted to grab him even though he’s noticeably too far away for that.

Kyuhyun blinks at her, confused, but steps forward and does as she asks.

“Do you think Ryeowook will be okay with him alone ?” she questions.

Kyuhyun reflexively looks back at Jongwoon’s car, spotting Ryeowook engaged in a conversation with Jongwoon, and the boy looks much more at ease than he’d been earlier.

“You don’t have to worry, Mrs Cho,” Kyuhyun assures her. “I know he has a temper, but I’m willing to put my hand into the fire that he’s in safer hands with Jongwoon than he would be with me. I’ve seen the way he looks at him and how they interact with each other. The guy is completely in love with him and it’s obvious.”

Eunsil chews up the inside of her cheek. She considers Kyuhyun to be trustworthy—she knows he has Ryeowook’s well-being at heart, and she highly doubts that he would lie to her about this. Maybe she is mistaken about Jongwoon. And she believes Kyuhyun’s testimony will help her in giving him a second chance, were he to ever come back. She’s unsure Sikyung will let it happen, though, but part of her believes he sort of deserved to be put back in his place. She really just has a problem with Jongwoon showing aggression towards her son, and maybe his age, too.

As Ryeowook gets ready to fasten his seatbelt, he takes time to wave at Kyuhyun and his mom through the window. Part of him is a little disappointed to leave his friend behind, but it’s not like he’s against spending time with Jongwoon especially since they’ve essentially spent the entire day avoiding each other because of him.

“How’s your hand, by the way ?” Jongwoon suddenly asks as he turns on the engine.

With everything that happened, Ryeowook has completely forgotten about his injury—it wasn’t severe to begin with, and his bandage did a great job at preventing it from growing more painful and allowed him to use his hand almost like normal when he was helping his mom in the kitchen.

“It’s fine,” Ryeowook promises, lifting his hand up to look at it and turn it into a fist to show Jongwoon that he’s honest. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“What happened there anyway ?”

“I wasn’t paying attention and stepped on the wire while I was trying to get on top of the chair to hang it up,” Ryeowook explains, clearly embarrassed. “I tried to catch myself on the chair when I fell and ended up crushing some of the lights with my hand.”

“You need to be more careful when you’re doing stuff like that,” Jongwoon can’t help but scold him, frowning. “It could’ve been worse.”

“I know,” Ryeowook mumbles, hanging his head low.

Jongwoon’s reaction is another thing that highlights the age gap between them, or at least Ryeowook thinks so. Jongwoon’s constant mindfulness about the dangers associated with anything bespeaks of his life experience while Ryeowook is still a bit reckless, and he’s suddenly scared that his boyfriend is disappointed in him because of it. It makes him grow restless and his fingers begin to fidget in his lap, something Jongwoon notices when he quickly glances back at him to make sure he’s okay, alarmed by his silence.

“What’s wrong ?” Jongwoon’s eyebrows furrow.

“Nothing,” Ryeowook dismisses.

“Baby, if there’s something bothering you, you should tell me,” Jongwoon prods, reaching over to rub Ryeowook’s knee with his thumb, palm pressed flat against it.

“Does our age gap bother you ?” the boy blurts out.

Jongwoon’s thumb stops moving for a second in surprise and confusion—he doesn’t know where that’s coming from. Age was never something they’ve discussed, not even after Sungmin threw a fit about it; the only time they’ve mentioned it had been when they’d met, because Jongwoon could already tell Ryeowook was significantly younger than him and he just had to make sure it wasn’t by an outrageous and barely legal lot.

“No, it doesn’t,” Jongwoon swears after a moment. “I wouldn’t be with you if it did. Does it bother you ?”

“Not really ?” Ryeowook replies, not really knowing how to explain his feelings without making the man worry too much. “Sometimes I just get scared you’ll be disappointed with me because I’m too immature.”

“You, immature ?” Jongwoon repeats, chuckling softly. “No, never. I was _ a lot _ dumber when I was your age. You just lack experience in some areas, but so do I even now.”

“Do you promise ?”

“I promise,” Jongwoon confirms. “Though I feel like I should admit that if you’d been any younger, I would’ve turned you down. There’s not much difference in maturity between nineteen and twenty, but the fact that nineteen is in the _ tens _ freaks me out.” He chuckles again, nervously this time, before his body is overcome with shivers. “I feel gross just thinking about it.”

Ryeowook can’t help but giggle at his reaction. He thinks he understands what Jongwoon meant by that. In any case, it’s comforting to know the man sees him as his equal despite almost being a decade older than him.

“It’s the fact that you were so bold and forward that drew me to you,” Jongwoon confesses. “I took it as a sign that you knew what you were doing despite how cute and innocent you look. And I decided to take you home because you didn’t _ expect _ me to. I’ve met so many people older than you who’ve thrown a fit and gotten offended that I didn’t feel like taking things further. That’s what I saw in you, and you never gave me a reason to care about the age gap.”

“Thank you for saying that,” Ryeowook slurs cutely. “I actually like that you’re older. I don’t know how to explain it other than that it makes me feel safer ? But not just in a physical sense.”

“I think I get it,” Jongwoon smiles. “You mean that it makes our relationship seem more stable ?”

“Yeah, that,” Ryeowook confirms, sounding a bit cheerful about Jongwoon’s ability to put his feelings into words. “This is why I said that it doesn’t _ really _ bother me much generally speaking. I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

“If you keep being _ you_,” Jongwoon emphasizes, “if you keep being the caring and _ brave _ boy I know you are, you’ll never disappoint me.”

“I’m still sorry about today,” Ryeowook apologizes again.

“I know,” Jongwoon confirms again. “I’m sorry too. I really should’ve been more understanding of your situation. But let’s not get into that argument again. I want tonight to be all about _ us_. No drama. No negative feelings.”

“I think I’d like that,” Ryeowook smiles brightly at him.

Ryeowook doesn’t have any expectations regarding Jongwoon’s plans for the night. He’s learned and seen recently that while his boyfriend’s—and his, he has to concede—sex drive is definitely out of norm, his mood can completely switch in the blink of an eye; one second he’s got his hands all over him and roughly manhandling him, and the next he’s cuddling him and just being affectionate with him without letting things escalate further.

Ryeowook honestly doesn’t mind either of these things.

He nearly stays attached to Jongwoon’s arm the entire way to the bedroom he’s booked for them. He’s not really surprised to see that it looks quite expensive, and he knows arguing with the man over it will lead nowhere; it’s also surprising that they’ve been able to find _ anything _ when it’s high season for tourism, so it’s not a situation where he can really complain.

“God, I can’t wait to take a shower,” Jongwoon grunts to himself in relief as he sets their bags on top of the dresser.

Ryeowook smiles at his boyfriend’s slightly overdramatic reaction, but he’s too busy texting Kyuhyun that he’s made it to the hotel and to thank him for being there with him this whole time to pay attention to what Jongwoon is actually doing.

“You coming ?” Jongwoon then asks, peeking his head around the corner of the bathroom door to look at the boy.

“Hm ? Oh, yeah, sorry,” Ryeowook blabbers, and he drops his phone on the bed before he goes to join Jongwoon in the bathroom.

Jongwoon is already shirtless by the time he gets there, and he has to close the door behind him to leave him enough space to undress himself as well—the room is crammed and they’re almost touching even as Jongwoon turns the shower on. It makes it feel both awkward and intimate, weirdly enough; he’s obviously used to bathing and showering with him, but Jongwoon’s bathroom is huge compared to this.

Out of habit, Ryeowook starts folding his clothes to set them on the counter, but his shirt is suddenly swatted away from his hands by Jongwoon, who grabs the piece of clothing to throw it on the counter along with his own, a mischievous smirk plastered on his face.

“There’s no time for that,” Jongwoon playfully chastises as he grabs Ryeowook’s wrist to pull him towards him, trapping the boy against him by wrapping his arms around his lower back when he bumps into his chest. “Water’s running.”

Jongwoon winks at him before kissing his forehead and leading him into the shower-tub, shutting the curtain off after him. His behaviour is slightly puzzling and definitely not something Ryeowook gets to witness much from the man, but it’s not entirely unfamiliar either—he’s glad that his boyfriend seems to be in a good mood, at the very least, so he decides not to question it.

And if that means he still gets to be taken care of the way Jongwoon usually does, then he has no complaints.

Though Ryeowook doesn’t think it’s weird, he definitely never expected to love having Jongwoon wash his hair and body for him this much. He really likes the attention, especially when Jongwoon decides to take his time, because it usually comes with little kisses down his nape and shoulders, soft and affectionate caresses, and Jongwoon’s hands kneading at the knots and tension in his back muscles. It’s extremely soothing—and he always ends up in that more vulnerable, submissive headspace he feels so comfortable in, where he feels both so calm and serene that he could fall asleep and hyper-aware of every touch, smell and taste coming off of Jongwoon as his hands travel down his body.

Jongwoon keeps Ryeowook’s back pressed against his chest as he works on his front, using one hand to run the soft washcloth over the boy’s chest and the other to gently massage his nape, nuzzling into the dip of his shoulder. This is something Jongwoon’s never really done with his exes, at least not to the extent he does with Ryeowook and _ definitely _ not under the same circumstances. Usually, he did it as a way to belittle them, and he didn’t spend so much time nor focused this much on every little detail like he does now. It’s like the boy rewired his brain to feel the uncontrollable and unstoppable impulse to just pamper and do everything for him—Ryeowook isn’t someone he feels comfortable treating as less than, even if it were consensual. He’s his _ baby_, someone he needs to provide for and to whose needs he has to cater to; _ not _ someone whose role is to serve him like it had been for him in the past.

He’s definitely grown softer. And he’s no longer just okay with it—he’s _ elated _ about it. It feels so much more natural and _ right _ for him to be like this, and he has Ryeowook to thank for that.

And he fucking loves just how easily Ryeowook submits to him; it’s probably the hottest thing in all of this and why he’s so into everything the boy does to him.

Jongwoon takes great care drying him up when they step out of the shower, and he doesn’t miss the way his little cock twitches when he rubs the towel over his abdomen; Ryeowook is more affected by this than he would’ve thought since he’s been careful not to tease him and get him worked up—he wants Ryeowook to decide what they do on his own, because tonight is about him. Jongwoon wants to show him that he can give him what he needs, no matter what it is.

“Are you getting worked up already, baby ?” Jongwoon teases, staring straight into his eyes and making the boy feel even smaller and lightheaded than he already did in a split second.

Ryeowook nods and clings to Jongwoon’s shoulders.

Fuck. He’s so cute.

Jongwoon runs his thumb over the boy’s lips, cupping his jaw in both of his hands, and he looks for any signs of uncertainty in Ryeowook’s eyes before he leans down to kiss him, open-mouthed, sloppy, slow and full of tongue. It doesn’t take very long for their embrace to grow more urgent, prompting Jongwoon to make things escalate by hooking an arm around the boy to lay his hand flat right in the middle of his back and move the other to his throat, applying just enough pressure to restrict his air flow and make him choke on a moan. Using this grip as leverage, Jongwoon pushes him out of the bathroom, refusing to break the kiss, intending to lead him to the bed and have his way with him then, but he’s forced to stop when he feels Ryeowook grow heavier into his arms to make sure he’s okay.

And he is—his knees are just threatening to give in from the high he’s getting from this, and while usually he’d hang on to Jongwoon tighter to fight it, this time, he takes the opportunity to drop down on his knees at the foot of the bed the minute Jongwoon lets go of him.

Jongwoon sees red at this action and grabs a fistful of hair at the back of Ryeowook’s head, pulling hard on it to force the boy to look up at him—he looks the way he had the night they met, doe-eyed, willing and _ begging _ him to shove his cock deep in his throat and it makes him go fucking insane.

“Want me to fuck your pretty little throat, angel ?” Jongwoon growls, getting Ryeowook to open his mouth wide by slipping his thumb between his lips and pulling down on his jaw.

He’s met with very little resistance because Ryeowook just _ lets _ him, body going lax and surrendering to him entirely, and the boy nods as he lets out a satisfied hum.

Keeping his grasp on his jaw to make sure his mouth stays open, Jongwoon lets his head fall back straight so he could line his now hard cock with the opening.

“You don’t want me to go easy on you, don’t you, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon verifies, not wanting to just assume things based off of Ryeowook’s eagerness.

Ryeowook shakes his head from side to side—fuck no, he doesn’t want him to go slow.

“Hold your breath,” Jongwoon instructs him, and he waits for Ryeowook to take a deep breath before thrusting all the way into his mouth, immediately getting the boy to choke on his cock.

_ Fuck yes. _ This is exactly what Ryeowook had wished for, and the moan that resonates all around Jongwoon’s cock only proves it. Jongwoon takes it as encouragement to start moving, pulling out until only the head remains inside, which Ryeowook refuses to let go of; he’s sucking on it so hard that the only thing Jongwoon feels like doing is to thrust back all the way in again, fully taking advantage of his baby’s almost unparalleled oral fixation.

He still can’t get over just how much Ryeowook loves sucking dick. He’s not complaining.

Ryeowook tries his best to time his breathing with the speed of Jongwoon’s thrusts, but he fails enough times to choke and feel a little dizzy, which he has absolutely no problem with. He keeps his hands crossed behind his back, leaving Jongwoon all control and power over him and his body, and just that is so fucking arousing to the man that he starts feeling his cock pulsing, getting ready to explode, quicker than he usually would.

Ryeowook is doing things to him he’s never experienced before, and it’s one of the millions of reasons why he’s so fucking attached to him.

“Shit,” Jongwoon hisses. “God I wish I could just fuck you senseless tonight.”

He would’ve under normal circumstances, but lube wasn’t part of his travel luggage. Having sex with Ryeowook during this ‘trip’ wasn’t even on his list of priorities, so packing a bottle didn’t cross his mind at all. He keeps one in his car just in case, but he’s left it there when they arrived, and there’s absolutely no way he’s fucking Ryeowook without it. It’s going to be painful for the both of them, and not the good type of pain.

Thankfully, Ryeowook’s mouth is just as good as his ass; and he fully intends on returning the favor the boy is doing him once he’s done.

As Jongwoon feels his climax approaching, he slows down a little, pondering over whether he should cum inside his mouth or all over his face—both of them sound so fucking good to him that he can’t choose. He ends up having to rush his decision when it hits him full force, beginning to spill himself inside his mouth, only to pull out a few seconds later to finish all over his lips, chin and nose; the best of both worlds, in hindsight.

“Fuck…” Jongwoon pants and Ryeowook smiles up at him, eyes filled with tears of joy and from having his throat fucked raw—it’s going to be sore tomorrow, but he doesn’t give a shit.

Jongwoon, lightheaded and unable to even out his breathing, runs his thumb over his cum to smear it over Ryeowook’s lips, only for the boy to start licking them clean and suck on his thumb.

“You’re driving me fucking insane,” Jongwoon groans, breathing deep to try and collect his thoughts, which he only half-succeeds in doing. “And you love it, don’t you ?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook confirms hoarsely. It already hurts to speak.

“You naughty little devil,” Jongwoon scolds, though he doesn’t sound convincing one bit. “Bend over the edge of the bed.”

Ryeowook happily obliges—he has no idea what Jongwoon’s got in mind and he’s both curious and a little apprehensive about it, because from what the man has told him a few minutes ago, it sounds like he won’t be able to fuck him, to his dismay.

Closing his eyes, Ryeowook lets himself relax into the mattress, giving Jongwoon complete blind trust to do whatever the hell he wants to him. That’s what he loves the most about the type of relationship they have—the fact that it allows his mind to completely escape from him and gives him a sense of freedom and lightness from being able to just surrender all the decision-making over to someone else. All he needs to do is to let himself be guided, be told exactly what to do, and in this context, it’s extremely liberating to him. He doesn’t have to think about anything. He’s allowed to just _ be_.

Jongwoon is the one who gets down on his knees this time, facing Ryeowook’s ass so beautifully displayed in front of him, and he spends some time just admiring it as he runs his hands up and down the back of his thighs, progressively reaching higher each time to knead the flesh and making the boy shiver. At this point in their relationship, Ryeowook has no worry left, no anxiety, no fear of what’s to come; he’s incredibly relaxed despite being left completely in the dark, just focusing on Jongwoon’s burning touch and patiently waiting for the man to do something, _ anything_. For once, he’s in no rush. He just likes having Jongwoon’s hands on him and his complete attention.

Jongwoon scoots closer to him to settle between Ryeowook’s legs, and he slowly guides his hands toward the middle of his ass, sliding his thumbs down the dip to spread his cheeks apart. Ryeowook gasps at the cold ambient air flowing over his hole and making it clench despite him, and just to tease him, Jongwoon softly blows on it too. The boy jumps and moans at the contact, which amuses Jongwoon probably more than it should. He’s so responsive to him and it’s beautiful.

Jongwoon moves one of his hands up to lay on the crease between his lower back and Ryeowook’s ass, and as he wraps his other arm around his leg, he slowly lets his thumb find its way to Ryeowook’s hole—his touch his light, but the nerves around the rim are so sensitive that just a few circling motions around it gets him worked up. Smiling to himself and relishing in all the pretty sounds Ryeowook is making for him, Jongwoon leans forward and starts sucking on a spot on the middle of his right cheek, occasionally biting at the flesh hard enough to leave a mark.

Ryeowook’s thighs begin to tremble a little—it’s not really noticeable by eye, but Jongwoon can feel it in his grasp, and as he works on leaving a bruise on his skin, he applies a little more pressure on the rim, forcing an even louder moan from the boy who’s now grabbing at the sheets to ground himself a least a little. It feels amazing, but it’s not nearly enough to turn him into a mess yet, and Jongwoon knows that.

Once he’s gotten Ryeowook’s pale skin to turn noticeably darker where he’s been sucking, Jongwoon spreads his cheeks apart once again, exposing his clenching little hole out to him. The man is almost fascinated by the sight, almost as if he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have this all to himself. Ryeowook is so fucking pretty.

Without letting Ryeowook know what he’s about to do, though the boy has a pretty good idea of what it is, Jongwoon lets a string of saliva slowly drip down onto the rim, and he finally leans forward to flatten his tongue against it. Chills go up his spine and back down straight to his cock, now leaking on the sheets and pulling at him, as he lets out a string of whines that get progressively louder and more drawn out with each lap of Jongwoon’s tongue.

Feeling like he’s teased him enough for now, Jongwoon switches his tongue for his lips, now sucking on the rim, and he slides one of his hands between Ryeowook’s legs to toy with his balls, though he leaves his cock untouched for now. It’s rare that Jongwoon gets to give him this type of attention for very long; today, he wants to take his time making sure Ryeowook can feel just how much he matters to him—that he’s got eyes for him only.

The fingers of his free hand dig into Ryeowook’s right cheek, lightly scratching the skin as Jongwoon picks up the pace of his tongue and glides a finger along the underside of the boy’s hard little cock, finally getting Ryeowook’s orgasm to build up; slowly, but it’s there, and it’s creeping up on him faster and faster until he gets right to the edge, but _ somehow_, instead of making him cum, Jongwoon’s little attentions only force the coil in his stomach to tighten even more—the man is purposely edging him, and Ryeowook feels the smirk forming against his rim the moment Jongwoon realizes he’s seen right through him.

“Jongw—” Ryeowook whines, only to be cut off by a low frustrated groan and a hard slap on his ass, which only causes him to moan louder. “Daddy…” Ryeowook corrects himself then; he’s earned that spank. “Daddy, please… please let me cum…”

“What was that ?” Jongwoon requests, lifting his head up and fully shifting his focus on his index finger brushing the sensitive spot right below the head. “I can’t hear you. You’re gonna have to speak louder.”

“_Hng— _ I need to cum,” Ryeowook blurts out in a strained whine.

“Do you think you deserve it ?” Jongwoon asks.

Ryeowook has no idea what to answer to that. He doesn’t know if Jongwoon actually expects an answer or if it’s a trick question, and if he does want him to reply, he has no idea which answer the man is looking for. He’s in no state of mind to think, too, so figuring out what his boyfriend’s intentions are is completely impossible for him.

He chokes on a sob. “Please,” he begs again, forcing himself to stay still because he knows bucking his hips into the mattress will only warrant punishment, and he doesn’t want that right now. “Please please pl—”

“Cum,” Jongwoon growls into his thigh as he tugs against his balls, ripping Ryeowook’s orgasm out of him, almost forcing it out.

“Oh my god—” Ryeowook gasps loudly, his body overcome with violent shivers from the force of his climax; he has no fucking idea how the hell Jongwoon has managed to cause such a thing to happen, and it feels like he’s cumming over and over in rapid succession instead of one single time.

It literally takes his breath away—there’s a few seconds where he can’t breathe and his chest starts burning, but the feeling he gets when he’s able to inhale again is completely worth it. He’s so lightheaded and overwhelmed that he doesn’t notice Jongwoon standing up or moving at all until the man is hovering above him and leaving little kisses all over his upper back to calm him as much as he can; Ryeowook feels like crying.

From happiness, mostly.


	18. Rift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm writing this, I don't know how many words this is, but I'm confident in saying this is probably my longest chapter up to date. Imagine how foolish I was thinking both chapter 17 and this one would fit in chapter 16... literal clown behaviour lmao
> 
> This chapter took me ages to write because I ended up deleting 8K+ words of stuff after realizing that it sucked sO BAD and it took me 3 days to figure out how to fix it. I was spamming about it on Twitter the other day bc it legit made me wanna k-word and give up on this fic lol, I haven't been this frustrated since the time it took me 2 whole months to write chapter 7
> 
> So, yeah, thanks to my life saver [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) who somehow still manages to deal with my existential crisis and threats to delete all my SNS accounts so I no longer have to write this thing but also I'm just saying if it had been only for her, I would've kept the 8K+ part in and it would've sucked literal cow ass so... HA (jk I love u pls don't leave me)
> 
> I want to finish this by thanking the overwhelming amount of people who slid into my [Twitter DMs](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) while I was writing this chapter—your comments are the reason I keep going even when sometimes I feel the need to give up and your feedback means so much to me ㅠㅠ I don't deserve any of you but I'm so glad you enjoy this fic that was supposed to be a joke and ended up being... this (I blame Jongwoon. He writes himself and I have no control over him. He decided this story was gonna go this way sO BLAME HIM)
> 
> OH YEAH : TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR AND SAFEWORD USE AT THE END. Please protect your mental health first. Don't read if you're sensitive to those things. The very last line should be enough for you to understand the gist of what's going on

Jongwoon has to admit that he shouldn’t find the scene he comes face to face with when he steps out of the bathroom this amusing, as adorable as it is, because Ryeowook really looks like he’s having a hard time and he can tell that the boy is getting increasingly frustrated every time he has to undo his tie and start over from square one. He doesn’t know why since he can’t think of a single occasion Ryeowook would ever get to dress fancy enough to wear one, but he would’ve assumed that it would be an easy task for him—he just gives off _ ‘will help his boyfriend do his own tie’ _ vibes somehow, especially with how keen the boy is to constantly remind him how to be an adult.

“Want me to lend you a hand ?” Jongwoon stifles a laugh, but it’s obvious on his face that he finds this absolutely hilarious.

“Does it look like I need help ?” Ryeowook questions sarcastically.

“Yes,” Jongwoon replies matter-of-factly as he walks up behind Ryeowook to the boy’s puzzlement. If he’s going to help, shouldn’t he be facing him..?

Watching his actions through the mirror in front of them, Jongwoon hooks his arms around Ryeowook’s shoulder to slowly—a lot more than he needs to, almost as if he were teasing him—untie the mess of a knot the boy has made. He can’t help himself when he presses a kiss at the back of his head before using it as a chin rest, highlighting just how much of a height difference they actually have. Ryeowook is _ a lot _ shorter than the average for men, and it used to be something he absolutely detested and even was insecure about since it was the object of most of the teasing he went through; today, in great part thanks to Jongwoon, he’s come to like his height, though he still gets a little salty about people showing off about being taller than him.

He doesn’t mind it this time, however. The view he has in the mirror sends an army of butterflies flying around in his stomach and he can’t contain his smile—a small one, but a smile nonetheless, and it definitely doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongwoon who kisses him on that same spot again before reassuming his earlier position.

“I’ll teach you how to do it,” Jongwoon announces, voice soft and incredibly calming despite the chills it sends down Ryeowook’s spine.

Jongwoon aligns the tie so the thinner part lays shorter against Ryeowook’s chest, which had been mistake number one for him—he assumed they needed to be equal, but apparently not.

“First, you need to cross the larger side over the other,” Jongwoon explains, speaking in that same tone that lulls Ryeowook into a state of pure bliss and serenity so easily that one would think he’s casting a spell on him. 

The boy leans against his chest until his entire body is pressed so close to Jongwoon’s that they almost merge together, like two pieces of a puzzle meant to fit with each other. Ryeowook’s ass is pushing so much into the man’s crotch that he can feel the outline of his boyfriend’s cock through their dress pants, but the older doesn’t seem to pay any mind. Ryeowook, however, gets easily worked up by this sort of thing, and it doesn’t help that a suit is probably one of the hottest things he’s ever seen Jongwoon wear.

“Once you’ve done that, you have to form a sort of triangle with the larger part again—it’s the only one you’re supposed to move the whole time. So, you start by wrapping it under here…” Jongwoon continues, making sure he’s going slowly enough along with his verbal instructions that the boy has time to register his actions. “... and then up and around and through the neck hole. Now, this is where it gets a little trickier, so you need to focus, alright ?”

Ryeowook nods, though he’s unsure if he’s even been attentive enough to truly be able to remember what Jongwoon is doing even just a few minutes later. He’s going to try his best from now on, though, because Jongwoon’s asked—and he’s a good boy, so he’ll listen and behave, even if the fog of subspace is clouding his mind and making him drowsier.

“You have to take it back in front here,” Jongwoon continues, taking the thicker part and crossing it over the thinner one, which is now starting to disappear behind the knot that’s already taking shape. “And then back under and up through the neck hole again, but from the inside this time.”

This is definitely confusing as hell—Ryeowook is convinced he’s going to have to rely on him to do it for the rest of his life.

Jongwoon then slides two fingers between the little pocket he’s just created to make some space, and now Ryeowook is even more overwhelmed. Who decided that this was the proper way to tie a tie ? Why make it so complicated ? This has too many unnecessary steps and even if he’s not the one doing it now, he’s still getting frustrated just seeing it.

“See this little hook we made ?” Jongwoon checks. Ryeowook nods again. “That’s where the tie is supposed to pass through at the front. Just like that.” The man then pulls the tie inside the hole, following up with his explanation. “Then you just have to push the knot up and the tie down… and you’re done. Just be careful not to pull on it too much; I know how much you love it when daddy chokes you, but this is much less fun and comfortable.”

Without letting Ryeowook add anything—he’s frozen with his mouth open, unable to come up with a clever retort both due to shock and slight arousal—Jongwoon lets go of the perfectly done tie knot to hug him properly, tightly, before leaning over his shoulder to kiss him on the cheek and finally nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He then begins to gently rock them from side to side, feeling how tense his baby is despite it being much less serious than it had been ten minutes ago.

And then, out of nowhere and for reasons still unknown to him, Jongwoon pulls down on the tie to undo it again to Ryeowook’s absolute horror and bewilderment. What the..?

“Now it’s your turn to try it,” Jongwoon smirks into the side of his neck. “Let’s see how good of a student my little boy is.”

“But—”

“There are no buts, baby,” Jongwoon scolds. “You don’t have a choice now that it’s undone.”

“That’s not fair,” Ryeowook mumbles unintelligibly.

Still, he’s going to give it his best shot—like Jongwoon has just said, it’s not like he has a choice in the matter now.

Jongwoon is still hanging on to him, simply moving his arms to his waist, and he’s surveilling every one of Ryeowook’s moves as the boy tries to recreate what Jongwoon’s just taught him with varying degrees of success. He can remember the first few steps, but his mind goes blank after that and he’s left having to guess under the man’s intense gaze that threatens to turn his knees into Jell’O and makes his palms sweat.

“I can’t do it,” Ryeowook quietly whines, giving up on trying after messing it up to the point of no return.

Jongwoon simply chuckles before he lets go of Ryeowook to turn the boy around to face him, and he undoes his tie for the second time. He’s still smiling fondly at him, never letting Ryeowook believe for a second that he’s disappointed in him for giving up—he understands that it’s not easy to do, as he also struggled a lot with it at first, and that Ryeowook’s mind probably isn’t in the right place to retain any information at the moment. Ryeowook really appreciates it, and as Jongwoon is working on redoing his tie properly, the boy finds himself staring up at him with absolute adoration.

Fuck, he’s so in love with this man that it’s not even funny at this point. It makes him very emotional just thinking about it, and it isn’t long before he can feel his eyes well up. Instinctively, he grabs onto Jongwoon’s dress shirt, seeking comfort; something the man notices right away and gets alarmed by. He hurriedly pulls on the knot to set the tie in place before cupping Ryeowook’s face in his hands, angling it up so he can try to pinpoint what’s going on and what could’ve triggered it—Jongwoon gets worried about the boy’s well-being too easily and probably too much too, but it’s not something he can or has ever been able to control at all.

“What’s wrong ?” Jongwoon frowns, brushing away the tears at the corner of Ryeowook’s eyes before they have a chance to run down his cheeks.

“I… I don’t know,” Ryeowook stutters, choking on a cry.

Jongwoon immediately pulls him against his chest, engulfing him into a warm and comforting hug before the boy starts crying, unable to bear this sight but knowing it’s unavoidable and all he can do now is to let Ryeowook live his pain and sorrow despite how much he abhors it. He’s sure his boyfriend can feel just how violent and quick his heartbeat has grown against his face—seeing Ryeowook in such a state of distress yet not having any means to do something about it makes him panic.

Jongwoon starts rubbing the boy’s back in a soothing pattern, rocking him from side to side in slow and subtle motions as he gently shushes him in an attempt to let him know it’s okay and that he’s got nothing to fear, even if he know it’ll take much more than that to console him. Ryeowook has been emotionally unstable lately, understandably so; though he’s been acting a little under the weather for the past few weeks, his grandma’s passing only exponentially amplified his unsteady emotional state and Jongwoon has no idea how to deal with that, as great as he usually is at keeping the boy in a relaxed state.

“It’s okay, baby,” Jongwoon assures him in a breathy whisper. “Everything is going to be okay. I’m here to protect you.”

“I don’t— want to go anymore,” Ryeowook hiccups, voice muffled from having his face buried into Jongwoon’s chest. “I want to go home.”

“What are you on about ?” Jongwoon questions, still speaking as softly as ever. “You didn’t come all the way here and went through everything that happened to change your mind at the last minute, did you ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head after a long minute of silence, but his grasp on Jongwoon’s middle only tightens as he grows more fragile and needy.

“I know it’s scary,” Jongwoon validates. “You’re allowed to be scared and feel overwhelmed. But I’m confident that you’ll get through this, because you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Jongwoon guides them to the edge of the bed and make Ryeowook sit on it, thinking it’s best if the boy can rest and breathe a little, before getting down on one knee to look at him from below so that even if he wants to keep his head down, Ryeowook will still be forced to look at him. Seeing the tear tracks wetting his cheeks is absolutely heartbreaking. His first course of action before he goes on with his words of encouragement is to wipe them away with his thumb with a delicacy he was only ever able to show with Ryeowook; he then takes one of his hand in his own two, holding it tightly, and looks up at him with eyes filled with genuine care and affection, hoping the boy can feel it despite his foggy mind.

“If it gets too hard, though, it’s okay if you want to leave,” Jongwoon affirms. “You just need to tell me and I’ll take you home, okay ? You know you can always count on me to be there for you, right..?”

It’s harder for Jongwoon to speak those words than he thought, and his voice cracks and falters a little when the unpleasant memories of Ryeowook’s rejection from the day before come to the surface. He’s asking this question more to reassure himself than the boy, deep down; fuck, he hopes Ryeowook will come to him this time if something is bothering him. That he’ll lean on him when he feels like he can’t stand on his own. That he’ll come find comfort in his arms if he wants to cry.

He fails to hide his immense relief when Ryeowook nods. He’s stopped crying now, but he’s still sniffling, and Jongwoon thinks this is the right time to try and shift the mood to something more joyful, or at least as much as the situation will allow him to.

“You’ll turn a lot of heads today,” Jongwoon compliments as he stands up and readjusts Ryeowook’s dress jacket. “You look very handsome in that suit.”

Ryeowook chuckles through his tearless, quiet sobs as he wipes the last of his tears away with his sleeves before standing up in his turn to stare up at the man smiling down at him.

“So do you,” Ryeowook returns. “But you always look handsome. I’m usually—”

“Adorable and sexy all the time ?” Jongwoon cuts him off before Ryeowook has the chance to put himself down. “I know, how dare I forget to mention this ?”

Ryeowook gives him a little giggle as a response despite him and grabs him by the tie to pull him down and kiss him as a thank you—for not letting him degrade himself, for making him laugh in the middle of all of this, for being there for him and for allowing him to love him freely. Jongwoon eagerly returns the kiss, deepening it just enough to let the boy feel his affection but not so much that he’ll be sending him the wrong message. Unfortunately for him, they don’t have time to have a little fun right now. It’s also a bad idea to play with Ryeowook when he’s so distressed—it just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

“Baby ?” Jongwoon hesitantly calls out when he realizes that Ryeowook still isn’t moving a few minutes after he cut off the engine of his car.

The boy jumps out of his trance-like state when he feels Jongwoon’s palm on his thigh, finally snapping back to reality. He takes a confused look around, trying to make up his whereabouts—he zoned out for the entirety of the car ride to the church where the funeral is held, and now it feels like a good chunk of memory is missing from him. He doesn’t even know what he’d been thinking about this whole time; he was just spacing out into nowhere with the same absent gaze he’s staring at Jongwoon with now.

“Are you okay ?” Jongwoon worries, reaching up with his other hand for the boy’s cheek.

Ryeowook actually considers asking Jongwoon if they can just go back home once again, and the man can see the reticence in the boy’s eyes as he waits for his answer. He honestly wants to do just that; bring him back to Seoul so he can rest and where he knows he’ll be safe with him, but he doesn’t want Ryeowook to regret not giving his grandmother one last proper goodbye in hindsight once he gets better. It’s really hard for him to see him like this when he’s normally so full of life and he wishes he could do something about it.

“I’m okay,” Ryeowook hums, nodding slowly. He looks really out of it.

Jongwoon gives him a small little smile before carefully unfastening his seatbelt for him, making sure the buckle doesn’t hit him when he lets it go, and he pulls him closer over the brake arm to leave a kiss on his temple.

“I’ll go open the door for you,” Jongwoon announces in a whisper as he pulls away.

Ryeowook nods again, too weak and exhausted to bicker and tell him he can do it himself. Having Jongwoon take care of him like this is actually reassuring—it’s the only comfort he’s able to find right now and he’d be stupid to reject it, so he patiently waits for the man to walk over to his side and pull on his door, which he does a few seconds after climbing out of the car.

Jongwoon reaches out for him to pull him up on his feet, and the man keeps him close with an arm tightly wrapped around his waist as he shuts the door with the other. Ryeowook clings to him, welcoming his embrace without a fuss; part of him hates how fragile and _ needy _ he is at the moment, but he doesn’t find it in him to fight back and try to stand his ground like he had the day before.

“I’m so proud of you for making it this far,” Jongwoon murmurs into his hair. He knows they’re running a bit late, with most of Ryeowook’s extended family already inside the church, but he really wants to take his time with him and forcing him to face the source of his grief is the last thing he feels like doing right now. “You’re so, _ so _ strong.”

Ryeowook lets out a long sigh of content out of his control; everything from Jongwoon’s warmth to his soothing voice just compel him to relax and nearly go limp in the man’s arms, and though he knows it’s only temporary and that the sense of dread tearing at his insides will come back the minute they have to break apart, Ryeowook will honestly take anything at this point. He’s just so lost and afraid—he honestly doesn’t know how he’d be able to face this without Jongwoon, no matter how much he’s tried to fool himself into believing he doesn’t need him since his boyfriend came here.

He still feels absolutely terrible about the way he treated him yesterday, and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to forgive himself for a long, long time.

“So that’s why you two lovebirds took so long to get here,” they hear a voice call out from behind him, forcing Jongwoon to momentarily break away—well, as much as he can given Ryeowook refuses to let go and he’s not going to fight against him—to look at Kyuhyun, who’s walking towards them with a faint smirk on his face. “You really can’t stay apart for more than five minutes at a time, can you ?”

Jongwoon softly chuckles at Kyuhyun’s claims as he absentmindedly rubs Ryeowook’s back, who’s still intent on clinging to him like his life depended on it.

“As you can see, no,” Jongwoon plays along. “Is that a problem ?”

“When it’s forcing me to deal with Mr Bang complaining, maybe a little,” Kyuhyun confesses.

“God, what is he on about this time ?” Jongwoon grunts, rolling his eyes.

Ryeowook stiffens in his hold upon hearing his stepfather’s name and finally pulls away so he can follow their conversation better, though he still stays attached to Jongwoon’s hip for the moment.

“The usual crap,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “He’s just mad that you guys aren’t on time.”

“The funeral is supposed to start in fifteen minutes,” Jongwoon states exasperatedly.

“I know, but are you really surprised about that coming from him ?”

“You have a point,” Jongwoon concedes. “Should we go inside, then ?”

He’s mostly throwing this question at Ryeowook, who nods at him before he completely breaks apart against his will. Jongwoon waits for the boy to make the first move, not wanting to rush him, but seeing as he’s frozen in place and can’t seem to be able to even take a step forward, the man eventually has to take the matter into his own hands, quite literally.

Jongwoon stretches out his arm to offer his hand to Ryeowook who, after blinking at it for a few seconds, adorably reaches out to wrap his pinky finger around the man’s, making Jongwoon’s heart melt into a puddle. He has to physically stop himself from cooing out loud, knowing the moment isn’t exactly appropriate for that, and he eventually leads them into the church right after Kyuhyun. Their hand holding—if they can even call it that—is subtle enough not to draw much attention onto them, which this time around, Jongwoon appreciates; the last thing he wants is to cause a scene in an event that’s so important for his boyfriend, and he has no idea what the rest of Ryeowook’s family is like regarding their relationship.

He does however get a few questioning glances sent his way, but he doesn’t pay it much attention. He’s a stranger to these people, so it’s understandable that they’re confused about his identity. He almost wishes it were the same with Sikyung, though, because it would’ve probably prevented the guy from coming up to them upon their arrival; Jongwoon has to resist the urge to hide Ryeowook behind him and punch his stepdad in the face when he locks eyes with the man’s judging gaze.

“Took you long enough,” Sikyung scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “I hope you’ll both know to keep your… _ relationship _ on the down-low in here. This is a place of worship.”

Jongwoon really, _ really _ wants to make a snarky comment to assure him that they’re not going to flaunt their gayness around in a sacred place just to take a piss out of him, but he doesn’t, for Ryeowook’s sake, who tenses up beside him. Jongwoon doesn’t know what Ryeowook’s stance on religion is given it’s not something they ever talk about, but observing the way his family members are behaving, most kneeling at their pews to pray as they wait for the sermon to begin, he’s guessing the boy has at least had a Christian upbringing; hearing his stepdad make such an inappropriate remark probably did get to him one way or another, and fuck, he doesn’t want him to start distancing himself again. Not just for his, but also Ryeowook’s own good—Jongwoon really doesn’t think it’s a good idea to have him isolate himself again, not in the state he’s in at the moment.

“I’ll keep an eye on them,” Kyuhyun sarcastically chips in, flashing Sikyung a forced and bitter smile, as he comes up behind the couple to drag them away from the man—as calm as he appears compared to Jongwoon, he’s just as annoyed as he is about Sikyung’s entire character and he just wishes for him to shut the fuck up.

Jongwoon never thought he’d truly befriend Ryeowook’s friends, being the type of person who doesn’t really feel the need to insert himself in his partners’ group of friends unless they share the same, but he’s grown really fond of Kyuhyun; there’s just something really likeable about the guy and the fact that he’s so protective of Ryeowook, even if he shows it in a drastically different way, definitely helps with that.

Kyuhyun leads them to one of the pews farther back, knowing it’ll be easier for the two of them to share some type of needed intimacy without constantly bringing curious and judging eyes on them for doing so, and takes a seat next to Ryeowook, sandwiching the boy between both he and Jongwoon. This is something the boy is thankful for, and he instantly relaxes when he feels the loose but comforting grasp of Jongwoon’s arm around his lower back, hidden from view. He almost wants to lean over and rest his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, but he knows it’s probably out of line, as upsetting as it sounds.

It’s ridiculous to think that one single line in a book written well over a thousand years ago is still a huge deciding factor on how he’s allowed to live his life to this day.

“It’s been so long since I’ve gone to church,” Kyuhyun sighs, trying to make conversation as they wait for the pastor to show up and hoping to keep Ryeowook’s attention away from the casket displayed in front of the altar for as long as possible.

The boy doesn’t seem to have noticed it yet, too spaced out to really make up much of his surroundings, which he thinks is a good thing.

“Are you religious ?” Jongwoon questions, curious—Kyuhyun never really struck him as the religious type, but then again, he’s not the type to go around assuming other people’s beliefs either.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun nods. “I used to go to church every Sunday when I still lived here, but I haven’t had time to go since college.”

“He still prays before eating,” Ryeowook states flatly, though a hint of a smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Really ?” Jongwoon chuckles a little. “That’s… kind of cute, actually.”

Jongwoon’s comment earns him a wide-eyed look from Kyuhyun, not having expected that to come of it, and he doesn’t know if he likes it or not. There’s something about being referred to as _ cute _ by a man like Jongwoon that just feels off to him; not exactly _ wrong _ per se, but it’s definitely weird as hell and he can’t decide what to think of it.

“What about you ?” Kyuhyun turns the conversation around, not wanting to overthink the strange compliment he’s just received.

“Me ?” Jongwoon repeats. “I don’t really know what to call myself, actually. I was raised Catholic, but I was never much of a church goer or one to pray for stuff. It’s something I don’t really think about, if ever. I legitimately can’t even tell if I believe in anything, to be honest.”

Jongwoon’s confession is definitely surprising to Ryeowook, who up until then had no idea his boyfriend was actually Catholic and not a protestant christian or an atheist like most people are in their country. Not that he minds at all, because it’s not like religion plays a role in their relationship, but it’s definitely interesting to learn about it.

Their conversation falls flat when they hear someone clearing their throat through a microphone, bringing everyone’s attention over to the front as the chatter echoing against the walls dies down to an almost deafening silence, and that’s when Ryeowook spots it—the casket at the front, adorned with the custom bouquet he’s ordered for her and a picture of his grandmother displayed in front of it. From where they are, he can barely make up the outlines of her face, but just that is enough to freak him out to the point of shaking, which alerts Jongwoon who stops paying attention to the pastor’s greetings to try and get the boy to calm down as best as he can despite the circumstances.

Using the pressure of Ryeowook’s belt to truly let the boy feel his presence, Jongwoon slides his hand under the waistband over his tucked-in dress shirt and slowly rubs at his side, which makes the younger man shiver almost instantly. His nerves are still frantically jumping around and getting his heartbeat to pick up significantly, and Ryeowook is soon forced to close his eyes and lower his head to avoid looking at her any longer; his hands ball into fists as he gathers all his strength to will himself not to cry—this is where Jongwoon snaps and throws out his promise not to risk causing a scene so he can pull the boy into his arms, hoping that people would be smart enough to regard this as a simple attempt to console Ryeowook and not think anything more of it.

Jongwoon hesitates to start talking, though, not wanting to distract anyone from whatever the pastor is saying—he can hear some praises of the great life Ryeowook’s grandmother has lived, but he can’t focus enough to retain any information. His only priority is to prevent his baby from crying again or worse, have a full-blown panic attack like he had two nights ago.

“Do you want us to sneak outside for now ?” Jongwoon offers, speaking as quietly as he can manage. When Ryeowook almost immediately nods into his shoulder, Jongwoon shoots Kyuhyun a look and signs his plan to sneak out for now just to let him know he’s got it, mouthing a _ ‘text me if there’s anything’ _ before carefully standing up, helping Ryeowook to his feet, and he’s thankful that Kyuhyun got them to sit at the back since it allows them to draw too much attention toward themselves as they quietly leave.

Jongwoon gets Ryeowook to sit down on the stone stairs in front of the church doors, coming up to sit right behind him, pressing the boy’s back to his front and holding him tightly as he gently rocks them from side to side, his nose resting right at the top of Ryeowook’s hair. Thankfully, despite how much he’s shaking, the boy isn’t crying, at least not yet, but he definitely needed this breath of fresh air and to get out of that place that had started to suffocate him.

“I can’t do it,” Ryeowook laments as he shakes his head, eyes shut tight, voice cracking on held-back sobs. “I can’t, I just can’t—”

“Hey, hey,” Jongwoon shushes him, leaning down to press a kiss on his temple and staying there for a while, holding Ryeowook’s head in place and continuing his rocking motions. “Take a deep breath in.”

Ryeowook obeys, or at least tries to, as his breathing is extremely shaky and uneven, and it does absolutely nothing to calm him down—it just doesn’t make things worse.

“I know it’s hard,” Jongwoon murmurs, “and I know you’re hurting a lot right now. It’s okay if you’re scared. We don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. We can just wait here until the burial later today—or I can take you back home, if that’s what you want. I just don’t want you to regret not telling her goodbye.”

Ryeowook doesn’t reply for a while, lost in his own thoughts, before he reaches for something he’s kept in the inner pocket of his suit jacket—a folded sheet of paper that Jongwoon has no clue what it could be. Ryeowook’s hands are shaking so much that he’s unable to unfold it, and he’s forced to give up after a solid minute of trying his best to work it open.

“What is it ?” Jongwoon questions, his worry clearly audible in his voice.

“I— I prepared a speech for her,” Ryeowook stutters. “I was so stupid to think I’d be able to read it in front of everyone.”

“You’re not stupid,” Jongwoon scolds him. “Don’t degrade yourself like that. Please don’t get angry at yourself for something you can’t control.”

“I have a hard time accepting that she’s gone,” Ryeowook blubbers, a silent tear rolling down his cheek. “I thought— I thought I still had time to fix things between us. I thought… I thought I’d be able to tell her I’m sorry. For everything. But I won’t be able to and she left this world with her last memory of me being mad at her, and—”

“Baby, stop that,” Jongwoon growls—hearing Ryeowook spew out all these things to put himself down is genuinely upsetting to him.

He’s been aware of the boy’s self-esteem issues since the beginning, even as hard as Ryeowook’s worked to act as though they didn’t exist. He knew and that’s why he’s always so intent on showering him in compliments because he fucking hates the fact that his precious little boy can’t seem to love himself or see past his flaws like _ he _ can; he doesn’t want Ryeowook to think badly of himself at all. He knows too well how much it hurts.

“Whatever happened between you two, I’m sure she’s looking at you right now,” Jongwoon continues. “And I’m sure she’s proud to see the man you’ve become. She can tell you’re sorry and that you never wished things to turn out this way. I know I’m saying all of this without proof… but I genuinely believe that.”

“How would you know ?” Ryeowook scoffs.

“Because I see the man you are,” Jongwoon replies, “and I can’t see how anyone in their right mind wouldn’t be proud of you.”

“You’re biased,” Ryeowook argues.

“And you think your _ grandmother _ wouldn’t be too ?” Jongwoon throws back at him. “I’m sure that no matter what happened between you, she still loved you dearly. Honor her memory by remembering the good things about her. The happy moments. That’s the only thing that matters right now—leave out all the rest.”

Ryeowook doesn’t speak up again. Instead, he’s actually reflecting over what Jongwoon’s just told him; as cheesy as he sounds saying all those things, he’s making some good points that he can’t just gloss over because he’s angry at himself. She’s gone. Wallowing in the past and drowning in regret won’t bring her back. He’s still incredibly upset at the fact that he truly did wish to fix their broken relationship and that it was no longer an option and at the fact that he waited too long to forgive her mishaps because he let his anger consume him. He should’ve made an effort to understand her better—she wasn’t a lost cause like Sikyung is.

“Wanna show me what you wrote ?” Jongwoon suggests, taking note of the way Ryeowook keeps playing with the folded sheet of paper in his hands.

Ryeowook freezes for a moment before shaking his head ‘no’, taking Jongwoon by surprise.

“Why not ?” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow.

“Because it’s embarrassing,” Ryeowook mumbles. “Writing is your thing. You’re probably gonna think it sucks.”

“Nonsense,” Jongwoon retorts. “You’ve helped me write before. I know you’re talented.”

“I’m shy,” Ryeowook insists, but he makes no attempt at hiding his speech from the man. “It’s already embarrassing to do it once. I don’t think I can do it twice.”

“Are you ready to go back in ?” Jongwoon checks, interpreting Ryeowook’s last words as him saying he _ will _ give out his speech after all.

Ryeowook’s entire body is overcome in chills of terror, prompting Jongwoon to tighten his grip around him as a reflex.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jongwoon whispers. “I was just checking. It’s okay if you don’t want to go back.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook sniffles, grabbing onto Jongwoon’s arms across his chest for support. “I just…”

“I know,” Jongwoon mumbles into the crook of his neck as he leaves a light kiss there. “I miss being home with you too. We’ll be there before today ends, I promise.”

“I really didn’t mean what I said yesterday,” Ryeowook assures. “I’m glad you came.”

Jongwoon gives him a little smile as a response before kissing his cheek, pushing hard on him just to put emphasis on how grateful he is to him for saying that. He doesn’t like hearing Ryeowook apologize so much because he hates knowing that his baby feels guilty about anything, as guilt is the main thing that causes him to be so emotionally fucked up at the moment and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but it doesn’t change the fact that it warms his heart to hear that from him. He’s been feeling terrible about barging in so suddenly when he would’ve probably been able to calm him over the phone, but his instincts had been too strong to fight and he just had to run to him and make sure he was safe and okay _ in person_.

Jongwoon suddenly feels his phone vibrate into his pocket—and it seems Ryeowook has too, since the boy is now staring at his thigh—putting a stop to his display of affection for a moment to check up on it. His first guess is that Kyuhyun just texted him to give them an update on what’s going on inside; but it could also be Jongjin, whom he’s been waiting to get a reply from to his offer of meeting up and speaking in person for a few days now, but it seems his former hypothesis was the correct one.

“It’s Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon states as he unlocks his phone to check what it’s about.

_ ‘The pastor just finished his speech’_, it reads. _ ‘He just gave the green light for people to come up and give their eulogy if they wanted. Wook’s mom is on stage right now’ _

Ryeowook stares at the screen for a moment, frowning. Now would be his chance to take his courage in two hands and walk in once again; to be brave like Jongwoon’s been encouraging him to be since the very beginning, but the fear searing him from the inside freezes him in place for a good minute.

Jongwoon remains silent, wanting Ryeowook to make his choice on his own and ready to go with whatever his baby settles on, and pulls back a little so he can gently work out the knots in the muscles of the boy’s shoulders and neck he’s gotten from all that stress. Ryeowook lets out a satisfied and content sigh, appreciating the gesture beyond words to describe it—he didn’t know he needed this, and fuck it’s so good to feel all the tension he’s accumulated in the past week dissipate under Jongwoon’s touch.

“Do you think I can do it ?” Ryeowook asks softly, almost in a childlike manner. He sounds lost and confused and looks it too.

“I do,” Jongwoon hums, keeping up with his ministrations, now working on Ryeowook’s shoulder blades—a sensitive spot for the boy, whose entire body starts shivering in pleasure. “I believe in you. And I’ll be there to cheer and support you from the crowd.”

Normally, Jongwoon would’ve thrown Ryeowook’s question back at the boy to let _ him _ answer it, but Ryeowook appeared so uncertain that Jongwoon figured that he truly needed his encouragement this time. And although he would’ve rather prevent his baby to be exposed to more unneeded stress, he couldn’t just tell him that he didn’t trust in his ability to overcome this challenge—it would’ve been way too cruel as well as completely untrue.

“I’m just imagining you cheering loudly like a mom from the bleachers at her kid’s football game,” Ryeowook chuckles nervously. “It’s a very unsettling image.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t embarrass you like that,” Jongwoon smirks as he leans forward so his lips ghost just over Ryeowook’s ear. “I have more subtle ways to let people know you’re _ my baby _ than screaming it from the rooftops.”

“Jongwoon, we’re at _ church_,” Ryeowook complains as he tries to playfully push the man away, to no avail.

“Technically, we’re sitting outside of it, so it’s fair game to flirt with you,” Jongwoon winks as he helps the boy get to his feet. “Plus, do you really think a man who almost strictly hung out with men would mind seeing us right now ? Isn’t Christianity supposed to be the religion of love ?”

“You’re so stupid sometimes,” Ryeowook scoffs as he lightly punches Jongwoon on the chest.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t like it,” Jongwoon laughs softly.

“I can’t pretend if it’s true,” Ryeowook retorts.

Jongwoon lets out a little chuckle before cupping Ryeowook’s cheeks in his warm hands. “You’re a terrible liar, you know that ?”

Ryeowook huffs in frustration, but he doesn’t have time to come up with anything before Jongwoon’s lips are on his, the man pulling him into a gentle, loving and strangely comforting kiss, almost as if his boyfriend were trying to transfer some of his strength and courage over to him through the embrace, and Ryeowook can’t find it in himself to push him away. Instead, he returns the kiss, albeit more hesitantly and shyly, feeling his heartbeat pick up and pumping adrenaline through his veins, giving him a surge of energy he honestly really needed right now.

“You can do it,” Jongwoon encourages him again as he breaks away, rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs a few times before letting him go.

Jongwoon then reaches down to slightly push against Ryeowook’s lower back to get him to move and walk in first, but the man stops in his tracks when he realizes he’s overlooked a tiny little detail that might look wrong if people notice it, which they most likely will when the boy gets to walk down the aisle to give his speech up front.

“Jongwoon, what the—” Ryeowook gasps as he feels Jongwoon tap and slide his hand against his ass without warning as he steps into the entrance.

“Your pants are full of dust,” Jongwoon deadpans as if everything he’s doing—which he doesn’t stop for a second—is normal and that there’s no way it could be interpreted as something else than what it truly was.

“I swear, sometimes you’re the worst,” Ryeowook rolls his eyes at him.

Jongwoon simply chuckles again as he finishes his task before doing the same for himself before they get through the second set of doors into the actual building. All eyes are focused on Ryeowook’s mom, who’s now climbing down the stage to get back to her seat—she’s done with her eulogy and visibly crying, and so are a few other people in the room. Even the pastor, sitting on a chair to the side, looks on the verge of tears, obviously moved by whatever Eunsil’s just said.

Jongwoon is almost surprised to see Sikyung try his best to comfort his grieving wife once she comes back to his side—it’s honestly quite disturbing to see the guy exhibit any type of emotion other than anger, bitterness, and pure assholery, if that counts as an emotion. In the man’s case, it might as well be.

Kyuhyun greets them back with a nod as the couple returns to their seat next to him. He’s so relieved to see how his friend noticeably looks much better, even if he can tell catching a glimpse of his grandmother’s casket as he walked back inside obviously unnerved him. Kyuhyun is weirded out by it too—it’s his first time seeing a dead body in real life, too.

“That was a beautiful text, Mrs Cho,” they hear the pastor compliment as he comes back to his podium. “Anyone else want to say something ?”

Ryeowook stiffens immediately at that, and being close enough to touch, Jongwoon senses it immediately. He doesn’t say anything, but he gives his thigh a hard squeeze to bring him back from his stupor and give him the _ ‘go ahead’ _ the boy needed to muster the courage to raise his hand and volunteer, though he does it with his eyes initially shut closed, afraid that he’d get so horrified upon seeing his own arm up that he’d start freaking out again.

“Come on here, young man,” the pastor beckons, and after taking a deep breath, Ryeowook gets up on shaky legs, holding on so tightly to the folded piece of paper containing his speech that it ripples a little.

Everyone turns their attention over to him as he walks up to the stage, some eyes curious, others surprised; for once, his stepdad doesn’t seem so judgemental, too taken aback by Ryeowook’s actions to think of anything else, and that in itself is comforting enough for now.

Ryeowook refuses to even glance over to the casket as he walks past it, too freaked out by it to even dare to—just knowing that it’s there right beside him, nudging him from his peripheral vision, is enough to have him shaking as he pains to unfold his speech. He already feels so embarrassed and humiliated and it hasn’t even started yet, and he’s honestly considering giving up and going back to his seat when he locks eyes with Jongwoon ar the back, who smiles brightly at him and gives him a thumbs up, mimicked by Kyuhyun a few seconds later.

Ryeowook closes his eyes as he breathes deep, the faint smell of flowers and burning candles invading his nostrils, before looking down at the text displayed on the podium in front of him. The words start dancing in front of him for about half a minute, his nerves playing tricks on him, and he has to firmly hold himself against the wooden top to prevent himself from falling. Shaking his head to regain his senses, he looks over at Jongwoon once more for comfort, clearing his throat and getting ready to speak up despite the anxiety creeping up on him menacingly.

“H-hi,” Ryeowook stutters shyly, earning a few fond looks from the elderly ladies—which he assumes are either friends or great-aunts he’s never met—who seem to sympathize with him. “For those who might not know me, my name is Kim Ryeowook,” he then introduces himself, still stumbling on a few words, but he speaks louder this time, slowly gaining confidence. “And I’m Eunsil’s son. Kim Hyoju was my grandmother, the only grandparent I ever had the chance to really know enough to have memories of.”

God, he’s never wished he could merge into the floor and disappear _ this _ badly in his entire life. He’s made the mistake of looking over at his grandmother’s body when mentioning her name, and the sight is so unsettling that his brain finds itself incapable of processing what he’s even seeing—he never would’ve thought seeing a dead body would be so fucking strange. The feeling is just indescribable; all he knows is that it makes him so uncomfortable that he gets nauseous, and he has to stop talking for a bit to prevent himself from throwing up what little food he managed to swallow this morning all over the floor.

He’s often heard people describe them as just looking like they’re asleep. He’s never been told a bigger lie than this in his entire life; his grandmother looks anything but asleep. She’s as stiff and unmoving as a store mannequin, yet at the same time, she looks like she could spring back to life at any moment and the utter confusion that spirals in his mind makes him dizzy.

“I always referred to her as ‘Nana’, and that’s how I’ll be addressing her today,” Ryeowook announces when he manages to calm down enough to align more than two words after the other. “Calling her by her name seems too impersonal, and I don’t want to distance myself from her. Not today.”

Repressed sobs make his voice crack then as tears come to the surface, eyes welling up and making it hard for him to read. His heart hurts so much that it keeps cutting off his airflow, giving him the impression that someone’s just punched him in the stomach and leaving him panting slightly.

“For as long as I can remember, I always thought of Nana as my best friend,” Ryeowook continues nonetheless, forcing his way through tears. “I didn’t have many growing up, but it didn’t bother me as much as it would’ve if she hadn’t been there to fill that void. She… always had a special place in my heart, and she was the closest thing to a soulmate I’ve ever had the chance to know until recently.”

Ryeowook lifts his eyes to look at Jongwoon then, letting the man know that what made him change his mind on that was him—_he _ was his soulmate now, and he’s never been so sure of it in his entire life. Jongwoon shoots him a warm and proud smile as a response; a smile that puts him at ease enough to delay his impending cries and allow him to hang on just a little longer. God, he really wouldn’t know what to do without him.

“Nana was…” Ryeowook painfully exhales. “... she was always someone I felt like I could count on. When things got hard, she always knew what to say to make me feel better. I trusted her and told her things I’ve never told anyone else. She was always—” Ryeowook gets cut off by his own sobs, unable to find the strength to contain it any longer. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and falling onto the piece of paper underneath, messing up the ink from his pen and making some of it completely unreadable.

“She was always the first to know,” he forces out then, breathing so uneven that he’s left gasping for air right after.

_ Fuck_. He knew it was inevitable, but he hadn’t expected to start weeping like this so quickly. He wants to finish his speech despite everything, because he truly believes that she at least deserves it, but he’s losing confidence in his ability to see the end of it.

“Though things haven’t been the best in the past years,” Ryeowook chokes out as he wipes away his tears with the back of his hand, “I’ve always felt like… like I could… like I could come back to her anytime and that she would make things better. And because of that… the only thing I want to remember are the good memories. My only regret is that I’ll never be able to tell her how grateful I am for everything she’s done for me.”

Ryeowook glances over at his grandmother peacefully lying in her casket, and this is it. This is where he reaches his breaking point and can no longer continue, overwhelmed with grief, guilt and immense regret—all he can do is prevent himself from making noise beyond the sniffling that’s out of his control as he tries to will himself into continuing, but to no avail, and the crowd is left heartbroken to see the boy so visibly broken by the loss of someone who meant so much to him.

It’s especially painful for Jongwoon and Kyuhyun to witness this, and without giving it a second thought, they both stand up on a whim to rush over to Ryeowook’s side, running down the aisle under the shocked gaze of the guests altered by the sound of heavy and rapid footsteps coming from behind. The next thing Ryeowook knows is both men engulfing him into a warm hug from either side of him, holding him tightly and shielding him from view as they whisk him away from prying eyes. Eunsil goes to stand up and follow them to the bathroom where they’re taking her son, but she ultimately decides against it when she concludes that those two will probably be better help in this situation than she would, because all she feels like doing right now is to cry for her son.

As Kyuhyun checks under the cubicles to see if anyone is occupying any of them before he locks the door of the men’s bathroom, Jongwoon carries Ryeowook over to the sink counter, and he lifts him up so he can sit on it—Ryeowook is clinging to him so strongly, arms holding onto his neck and shoulders and using his legs to keep his waist locked in place—that Jongwoon is unable to move an inch to check with Kyuhyun if everything is okay. The choked out sobs coming from the boy are loud enough to prevent him from hearing the other boy when he twists the lock on the door, and he’s too focused on Ryeowook to pay attention to him through the mirror in front of him.

The next time he’s aware of Kyuhyun’s presence at all is when the boy comes up to them to gently pet his friend’s hair as Ryeowook is sobbing into the side of his neck, completely ruining the collar of his dress shirt with tears—and snot, most likely—but Jongwoon doesn’t give a shit about any of it.

Jongwoon wraps his arms around Ryeowook’s middle just as tightly as the boy is holding him, and for a moment, he just lets him cry his heart out as he rubs his back in soothing motions and drags his lips down the side of his neck, occasionally pressing a loving kiss on the skin.

“You did so well, baby,” Jongwoon mumbles against him. “I’m so baffled at how strong you are. I’m so, so proud of you.”

“Jongwoon is right,” Kyuhyun confirms, using the similar caring, almost parental tone as Jongwoon is. “We’re both really proud of you. Your speech was very touching. Everyone could tell how much you cared about her.”

About a minute passes before Ryeowook slowly detaches himself from Jongwoon; he’s still crying heavily and hanging onto him, but they’re able to see eye-to-eye now, and it allows Jongwoon to reach up and wipe his tears away as they fall with his knuckle. The man tries to comfort him by smiling at him, though it’s a sad and worried one, and Ryeowook leans forward once again to bury his face into Jongwoon’s chest, letting his boyfriend pet his hair to soothe him.

Kyuhyun takes a step back to leave them some space, silently observing them and taking note of how truly gentle and caring Jongwoon is with Ryeowook; it feels so natural, so instinctual that he has no doubt his presence has nothing to do with it and Jongwoon isn’t just playing a role to look good in front of him. If anything, he’s pretty sure the guy is so focused on Ryeowook that he’s completely forgotten he’s there at all, which Kyuhyun strangely finds reassuring.

Sungmin had been hammering him down with his conspiracy theories about their relationship and Jongwoon as a person specifically up until recently, and he has to admit that he would waver at times and almost give in to doubt, because he really didn’t know Jongwoon all that well and appearances can sometimes be deceiving. He has no doubt now. He’s not exactly an expert in this sort of thing, but he’s never seen someone look so enamoured with another person as much as Jongwoon is with Ryeowook, even in the cheesy romance movies he found himself forced to watch with Sungmin at times.

He wishes Sungmin would be there to see for himself.

But then again, maybe not, because he doesn’t know how his friend would feel about watching Jongwoon baby Ryeowook the way he does—he personally doesn’t care about it since this is something that only regards them, and certainly not now because he can see that it’s helping them in this case, but Sungmin is a completely different story.

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook blubbers, voice muffled.

“Why are you apologizing ?” Jongwoon’s voice cracks a little as his heart sinks into his chest. God, he hates it when Ryeowook apologizes over nothing. He didn’t do anything wrong—what could he possibly feel sorry for ?

“I don’t know,” Ryeowook shrugs. “I just—” _ Sniffle_. “I don’t like crying in front of people.”

“You don’t have to feel sorry for that,” Jongwoon murmurs.

He understands where Ryeowook is coming from, though, because he feels the same; he absolutely abhors showing weakness and vulnerability to others and it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable—and guilty, too. But he doesn’t want his baby to feel this way. Ryeowook is allowed to be upset and throw all the weight of his heavy emotions onto him, because as much as he hates knowing that he’s in pain, Jongwoon _ wants _ to be there for him and shelter him from his burdens.

“You _ shouldn’t_,” Jongwoon emphasizes. “It’s perfectly normal to crack when things get tough, and you’re allowed to ask for help. You should know by now that I don’t mind at all.”

“It’s stronger than me,” Ryeowook chokes on a sob as he lets out a breathy chuckle before pulling away again to wipe his tears with his sleeve. “But… I’m still grateful that you’re there for me.” He then turns toward Kyuhyun, who’s leaning against the wall to his left, right where the sink counter ends. “And you too, Kyuhyun. I know this type of thing makes you uncomfortable.”

“I’d be more disturbed if you gave your speech while laughing,” Kyuhyun shrugs. He immediately regrets his comment, thinking maybe now isn’t the time for awkward jokes, but he couldn’t help it. And he’s going to have to commit to it, now.

Ryeowook quietly snorts before swinging himself off of the counter using Jongwoon as support, and he moves the man’s arm away to allow him to walk up to his friend and give him a thankful hug—sure, Jongwoon’s been doing most of the work to get him to feel better, but Ryeowook doesn’t want Kyuhyun to feel left out. He’s the one who drove him all the way here, who agreed to come in the first place, who refused to leave him alone when he initially didn’t plan on having Jongwoon tag along, and that means more to him than anything Kyuhyun could’ve done to try to cheer him up.

Jongwoon’s heart warms up at the sight when Kyuhyun awkwardly gives Ryeowook a few friendly taps on the back, clearly taken aback by this unexpected move. The man reckons that he would normally feel at least a tinge of possessiveness buoy up inside of him, but this time, there’s nothing—Ryeowook’s friendship with Kyuhyun is too wholesome for him to feel anything negative towards it.

Ryeowook breaks away after a short while and backs up into Jongwoon, who has to catch him as he tumbles backwards from the collision. He’s still got a few tears left to cry, but the man’s warm embrace calms him instantly, and while he remains incredibly upset and heartbroken, all the tension in his body vanishes into thin air. He feels strangely serene despite it, which creates a puzzling concoction of feelings he can’t quite process—he can’t even tell if it’s unpleasant or not.

“Do you want to go back and see her one last time before the burial ?” Jongwoon questions then, speaking as softly as he can so not to startle Ryeowook too much.

Ryeowook gives himself some time to think before he shakes his head. He feels like he’s told her his last goodbyes by now, and he’s satisfied with that. On top of that, the thought of seeing her again, this time up close and right in front of him rather than standing on the side in his peripheral vision already has him shaking. This is a terrible idea, and he’s had enough of this place. He just wants to go home.

“I’m… I’m okay,” Ryeowook affirms unconvincingly. “I don’t need to see her being buried. I… I don’t think I even want to.”

“I understand,” Jongwoon murmurs, and he kisses the top of his head before looking up at Kyuhyun. He feels a little guilty for leaving him behind so soon in the middle of a delicate moment, but he also wants to honor Ryeowook’s wishes as quickly as possible. “How about we stop somewhere to eat first ? Us three ?” he then proposes. “I know it might be hard for you to stomach anything, but you also barely ate anything before coming here. Four hours is a long time.”

Although he really isn’t hungry, Ryeowook is on board with this idea—and it seems that Kyuhyun is too. He’s up for anything as long as they can get out of here, and spending time with his boyfriend and best friend sounds like paradise compared to the hell he’s endured in the past week.

Seeing them getting along with each other is also surprisingly comforting, especially given the rocky start Jongwoon had with Sungmin.

Jongwoon isn’t a huge fan of fast-food normally, but this time, he almost welcomes that type of comfort food with open arms, mainly because it’s not something he’ll feel bad about wasting in case Ryeowook isn’t able to eat. They don’t order much to begin with, Jongwoon settling for a crispy chicken sandwich and a large fry he shares with Ryeowook, who only gets a milkshake so he at least has something more substantial than coffee, and Kyuhyun goes for the classic burger and fries.

It’s close to two in the afternoon, so the joint is relatively empty save for a couple of elderly people enjoying coffee and a group of teenagers loudly conversing with each other on the other side of the dining room. They’re able to find a relatively quieter corner—if quiet can be applied here because for some reason, even when empty, fast-food joints always tend to be noisy—without much trouble to enjoy their meal in _ some _ semblance of privacy, which is a little hard to do given they stick out like a sore thumb for wearing their fancy suits in a place like this.

Kyuhyun lets them get the booth, which Ryeowook is thankful for since it allows him to cling to Jongwoon’s side, latching onto the man’s arm as he scoots as close to him as he can, suddenly feeling extremely affectionate. Jongwoon of course doesn’t complain; he loves it when Ryeowook gets clingy with him, since he’s usually the one who is, and the boy is simply just so adorable when he’s like this that he almost wishes he’d act like that all the time.

Well, if it also included Ryeowook eating well, because he’s definitely not doing that right now. By the time Jongwoon is halfway through his sandwich, he thinks he’s only seen Ryeowook reach out to get _ one _ fry maybe twice, thrice at best, and it worries him. He gets that it’s hard for the boy to stomach anything at the moment, but he wishes he could make an effort at the very least.

Just because he skips meals all the time doesn’t mean his baby is allowed to do the same.

Eyebrows furrowed in concern, Jongwoon brings his sandwich up to Ryeowook’s mouth, silently encouraging him to at least take a bite. The boy really doesn’t want to, but he still does it to indulge his boyfriend, who starts stroking his hair as a reward—he doesn’t say it out loud, probably because Kyuhyun is right there in front of him, but Ryeowook knows what it means : _ good boy_.

Sheepishly, Ryeowook cuddles up a little closer to Jongwoon’s side, only brought back to present time by a long, almost dramatic sigh coming from Kyuhyun, who puts down his burger in fake disgust.

“Please, I am _ eating_,” Kyuhyun complains sarcastically. “You guys are so disgustingly in love that it makes me nauseous.”

“Are you jealous ?” Jongwoon teases him as he wraps his arm around Ryeowook to pull him even closer just to spite him.

“Me ? Jealous ? Never,” Kyuhyun denies, struggling not to crack up. Nothing happened yet but he’s already amused by this banter going on for some reason. “I’m just trying to decide what’s more painful between watching you guys being gross and whipped or having to deal with the constant sexual tension between Sungmin and Saeun.”

“Or maybe you just have a problem with being a third-wheel,” Jongwoon quips with a completely straight face.

Kyuhyun gasps exaggeratedly, but Jongwoon’s attention is diverted to Ryeowook who’s started to choke on his milkshake at the man’s reply, who starts tapping and rubbing on his back to get him to stop coughing.

“Jongwoon, what the hell was that ?” Ryeowook scolds, but he fails to contain his laughter—he secretly lives for Kyuhyun getting owned as payment for how much he teases him, Henry and Sungmin.

“Am I wrong ?” Jongwoon blinks, playing dumb.

“No,” Ryeowook answers for Kyuhyun before his friend can come up with a clever reply. “There’s a girl he likes, though, but he won’t ask her out.”

“Why not ?” Jongwoon inquires, looking over to Kyuhyun who looks like he’s planning an escape.

“Because she’s a _ friend_,” Kyuhyun stammers a little. He hates being put under the spotlight like that, and talking about matters like his love life to a man like Jongwoon is honestly embarrassing—and a little intimidating, too.

“But you like her,” Jongwoon presses. This is getting really interesting, now.

“... maybe ?” Kyuhyun confesses hesitantly. He’s already being grilled once by Ryeowook, and now that Jongwoon’s joined in, there’s no point in him trying to deny it.

“I never would’ve thought you’d be so shy talking about this type of stuff,” Jongwoon marvels. “I clocked you as the type of guy who would just be casual about it and ask the other out without making a big deal out of it, but this is… cute.”

Okay, yeah, being called _ cute _ by Jongwoon is definitely weird as hell.

“Why haven’t you asked her out if you like her ?”

“I don’t know,” Kyuhyun shrugs, trying his best to act cooler about it to avoid Jongwoon using that dreaded _ c-word _ on him again. “What I like about our friendship is that everything feels natural and asking her out would just... I don’t know, seem forced to me ? I guess I just don’t want to ruin it.”

“What if you try to push things to go in that direction ? Playfully flirt with her and see how it goes,” Jongwoon suggests. “You wouldn’t be forcing anything. Just giving it a little nudge.”

“Kyuhyun told Sungmin to ask Saeun out by asking her to peg him,” Ryeowook interjects. “I don’t think he knows how to flirt.”

“That was a _ joke_,” Kyuhyun defends.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy was into that,” Jongwoon thinks out loud—he’s seen his fair share of submissives and bottoms in his life, and he’s developed some kind of a sixth sense when it comes to guessing that about a person. Sungmin definitely is one of the two at the very least, if not both. “But that’s not the point. Flirting’s not that hard when you get the gist of it. If she’s got that type of sense of humor, asking her to peg you and pass it off as a joke might actually work. If you’re into that.”

“Oh, hell no,” Kyuhyun shivers, genuinely horrified at the idea. “I mean, that’s definitely her sense of humor, but just the thought of getting something up my ass is terrifying even if it’s a joke.” He then shoots an apologetic look at Ryeowook. “No offense.”

There’s a loud banging noise that follows Ryeowook’s foot as it connects with Kyuhyun’s shin, who tries his best not to yell in pain because fuck, Ryeowook didn’t go easy on him this time—maybe he deserved it, but he’s sure he’s going to be walking out of the joint limping because of this. Jongwoon snorts at the scene, unable to contain his laughter, both because of Kyuhyun’s allusions and to the face he’s pulling at the moment, fist in his mouth to distract himself from the pain.

“I thought you said violence was never the answer,” Jongwoon teases his boyfriend, who huffs and puffs his cheeks at the remark, trying to appear threatening; which obviously has the opposite effect on the man.

“There’s always an exception to the rule,” Ryeowook argues. “Kyuhyun is that exception.”

“Is he wrong, though ?” Jongwoon smirks, using that goddamn low and dominant tone that has Ryeowook shivering, and he inches his face closer to Ryeowook, causing the boy to blush profusely.

“Do I really look like a bottom that much ?” Ryeowook mumbles. He doesn’t know if he should get offended by that or not.

“Yes,” both men answer in unison, matter-of-factly and confidently.

There’s a moment of silence as Ryeowook just blinks at them—part of him expected that answer, but it’s still shocking to hear it out loud and the short amount of time it took for them to reply is a little unsettling. He’s only shaken out of his stupor when Jongwoon reaches over to push underneath his chin and force his jaw closed, which he hadn’t realized had dropped up until then.

“You’re going to catch flies,” Jongwoon needles him as he lightly taps twice on his cheek with his index and middle fingers.

“I hate you both so much,” Ryeowook grumbles as he scoots away from Jongwoon to pout.

Jongwoon, however, doesn’t let that slide, and his hands instantly fly to Ryeowook’s hips to pull him back against him, making the boy quietly yelp in surprise; and had they not been in such a public place, Jongwoon would’ve gone further and put him in his lap, but unfortunately for him, it might be a little too much with the current circumstances. He’ll have to settle for keeping his boyfriend locked in place, flush against him, this time around.

“So, what were we talking about already ?” Jongwoon pitches, completely brushing off everything that happened in the past five minutes—he doesn’t even look bothered by Ryeowook trying to fight back against his hold, to no avail. “Oh, right. _ No _ pegging for you, but my point still stands. Jokingly let her know that you might want to be more than friends with her; if it’s really her sense of humor as you said, she might banter with you. Worst case scenario, she actually does think it’s a joke, and things shouldn’t be awkward between you two unless _ you _ make it awkward.”

“I can try that,” Kyuhyun shrugs. “But if it doesn’t work and ruins things, know that I will one hundred percent hold you accountable for it and I will demand at least ₩1,500,000 as compensation for the damages.”

“And if it works, you have to let me do a speech at your wedding,” Jongwoon chuckles.

“I don’t trust this at all, but deal,” Kyuhyun nods, holding out his hand for Jongwoon to shake.

“You guys get along too well and I don’t like it,” Ryeowook squints at the handshake.

“Aw, don’t be jealous, baby,” Jongwoon coos, leaning over to give the boy a long, overdramatic kiss on the cheek. “Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing ?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know any of your friends like that,” Ryeowook pouts. “It’s not fair.”

“Oh no, trust me, you should be happy you don’t know them,” Jongwoon rolls his eyes, smirking.

“I’d love to get to know them,” Kyuhyun interjects, suspiciously enthusiastic about it.

“You’re not going to let the Siwon thing go, are you ?” Ryeowook scoffs.

“Nope,” Kyuhyun confirms, shaking his head.

“Siwon ?” Jongwoon repeats, confused for a second, before he remembers Kyuhyun’s reaction when he saw the guy walk into his apartment about two weeks ago at Heechul’s birthday party. “Oh, right. You’re a fan of his, aren’t you ?”

“... maybe,” Kyuhyun admits sheepishly. “But who isn’t ?”

Jongwoon almost wants to claim he isn’t—though he used to admire him as an actor, it feels too weird now that he knows he’s both a fan of his and currently dating his ex, more so that last part than the former. He’s never been one to believe in fate, but he’s linked to Siwon in too many ways to consider this pure coincidence; he hasn’t seen him since the party, nor as he contacted him, but he can’t help thinking it might all be a sign of something. He just doesn’t know what it could be, but he swears he feels it coming.

“Right,” Jongwoon chuckles. “You’d have to take it up with Geng, though. The only time I ever interacted with Siwon was at the party.”

“Please don’t enable him,” Ryeowook dejects.

“No, please enable me,” Kyuhyun counters. “And give me Geng’s phone number.”

“I swear one day I will suffocate you in your sleep with your own pillow and it’ll entirely be your own fault,” Ryeowook threatens.

“You’re too tiny to be able to do anything,” Kyuhyun deflects. “I could overpower you in seconds and you know it.”

“Shut up,” Ryeowook grumbles under his breath.

As much as he chooses to deny it, he knows Kyuhyun is right; Jongwoon is able to do it with ease and he’s both shorter and thinner than his friend is. Kyuhyun isn’t muscular by any means—Ryeowook doesn’t think he’s ever set foot in a gym aside from the mandatory P.E. classes they had to take in school—but the guy truly is blessed with the ability to be good at everything and apparently it included natural physical strength too.

He swears his biggest wish is to be able to hate this guy.

No, instead Ryeowook _ has _ to feel a bit heartbroken when it’s time to part ways with his friend, once their meal is done—and by _ done_, he mostly means having to throw half of it in the trash because soggy cold fries will only worsen his nausea, though he does keep his milkshake for the ride—because _ of course _ he does. He knows he’ll be able to see him again in Seoul, but the Kyuhyun-Jongwoon duo, as nightmarish as they turned out to be, had been such a comforting presence to him that it feels strange having to say goodbye, though that feeling eventually dissipates once he gets into Jongwoon’s car. Just being close to the man is enough to calm his nerves and help him think of anything but the last three days of hell he just went through, and he’s even able to fall asleep at some point, lulled into Morpheus’ arms by the depth and tone of Jongwoon’s voice about an hour into the road.

Ryeowook comes to when he feels Jongwoon’s soft touch on his cheek, and he stirs himself awake with an adorable groan of frustration that has the man’s heart melting. They’re already home, Ryeowook notices; it takes him a moment to make sense of his surroundings, but once he does, an immense sense of relief washes over him—his nightmare is officially over.

He can finally breathe again.

“You’ll be able to sleep more comfortably in my bed,” Jongwoon nudges, speaking with a caring tone, almost whispering so he doesn’t startle him. He probably should call it _ their _ bed at this point, but telling him to lay in _ his _ really speaks to his possessive side, which is something he hasn’t indulged in in quite a while.

Ryeowook gets to be the only person he can share his bed with, and he doesn’t belong anywhere else—especially not in another’s bed.

The past few days have forced his possessiveness to resurface, although it’s still very tame compared to what he knows it could be. Ryeowook is _ his _ to protect, after all, and despite their little quarrel, the fact that Kyuhyun _ had _ to call him to the rescue just reinforced the idea that the boy will only truly ever be safe _ with _ him.

Jongwoon pushes on the back of Ryeowook’s head to bring it forward as he leans down to kiss his forehead before he helps him out of his seatbelt; he then unfastens his own so he can climb out of the car and get their bags out of the trunk, with Ryeowook following suit, though his drowsy state make him move at a snail’s pace. God, he’s so _ exhausted_, physically and emotionally. All he wants to do is to be put into a coma for the next few days.

Just as he manages to will himself into making a move, Ryeowook spots Jongwoon’s phone on the driver’s seat—it probably fell out of his pocket when the man got up and he just didn’t realize. Stiff from the ride, the boy struggles to reach out for the device, forced to grab it at arm’s length when his body refuses to cooperate with him and turn to the side; this is why he hates sleeping in a car normally, but he couldn’t help it this time.

Ryeowook swears he had no intention of snooping into Jongwoon’s phone and spy on him, but his attention is immediately drawn to the last two notifications that popped up on his screen, dating from just a little short of two hours ago. Mainly, it’s the fact that it’s _ Hyukjae’s name _ displayed on the screen from iMessage that catches his eye; there’s no way he would’ve been able to ignore and brush it off even if he tried. Why the hell would Hyukjae be texting Jongwoon ?

And if his name appears on screen, it means that Jongwoon saved his number in his contacts—if his boyfriend didn’t plan on seeing him again, why would he feel the need to do that ?

It’s out of worry that Ryeowook takes the time to check what the notifications are about, unable to get it out of his mind and force himself to respect Jongwoon’s privacy by pretending he never saw anything. The first one is a picture of something, but he can’t see very well from the miniature preview he gets, and he’s not going to open the actual message to find out—even with the circumstances, he considers this going too far. The second one is a text, which he assumes is a caption that comes with the picture, and it’s that one that is truly concerning to him, because he can’t figure for the life of him in what context someone, who on top of that happens to be their ex, would ever send that to someone else.

_ ‘I swear I wasn’t lying when I told you that you literally haunt me in bed’ _

What the fuck ?

Ryeowook thinks he should get angry at this, but all he feels right now is complete numbness; he’s so fucking confused that his mind can’t manage to form a single rational thought, and his limbs work on autopilot when he finally climbs out of the car to walk up to Jongwoon, who’s now waiting for him at the front. The man frowns at him when he notices the distressed look on Ryeowook’s face, unable to understand why his boyfriend suddenly looks like he’s just seen a ghost and said ghost ended up draining the life out of him, but it doesn’t seem like Ryeowook is going to talk on his own, at least not about what’s going on in his head at the moment.

“You dropped this in the car,” Ryeowook states flatly as he hands his phone over, but his voice cracks a little, and now Jongwoon is honestly concerned.

“Is everything okay ?” Jongwoon questions as he takes his phone from Ryeowook’s hands.

“Hm ?” Ryeowook frowns. “Oh, huh, yeah. Yeah, I’m…” he then trails off before sighing—he initially planned on not mentioning it to Jongwoon, at least not now when he’s already emotionally fucked up, but he knows he won’t be able to sleep tonight if he doesn’t get the explanation he so desperately needs right now. “I didn’t mean to look, I swear,” Ryeowook then hurries, not wanting Jongwoon to get mad for looking into his phone like some kind of overly controlling boyfriend. “But it lit up when I picked it up and I read it by accident—”

“Read what ?” Jongwoon stops him before the boy starts panicking—he was already beginning to stumble on his own words.

“Hyukjae texted you and it confused me,” Ryeowook blurts out almost inaudibly, looking down at the pavement, dreading Jongwoon’s reaction.

“He did ?”

Jongwoon sounds genuinely surprised by it, which would normally be a good sign if he didn’t also look so panicked as he unlocks his phone to check what Ryeowook is talking about; there’s a good half minute where all the man does is frown at the screen, trying to make sense of what he’s seeing, until he lets out a loud sigh of relief that Ryeowook has no idea what to interpret as.

“It’s honestly not what it looks like,” Jongwoon assures, slightly panting from holding his breath in anxiety despite him. “It’s just a picture of my books on a shelf above his boyfriend’s bed. Look.”

Jongwoon hands his phone back over to Ryeowook so he can take a look, and sure enough, it’s exactly what the man described—what he’s confused about now is why Hyukjae would think of sending him that and how Jongwoon knows _ exactly _ what it is and where it was taken. Exes openly talking about their new partners, especially when the relationship ended in a mess, isn’t something he’d think is normal, but judging from his boyfriend’s reaction, it apparently is to him.

“How do you know ?” Ryeowook asks then, unable to hold himself back.

“Because he told me,” Jongwoon shrugs. “He said it was the reason he wanted to reach out. I guess he just wanted to prove it to me.”

“I thought you said you wouldn’t talk to him again,” Ryeowook reminds him. He sounds a lot more upset than accusatory, so Jongwoon can’t get angry or defensive about it—it’s his fault for not being clear enough with him.

It does hurt a little—more like a lot, but he doesn’t want to let it show—that Ryeowook would ever doubt him like that, but the boy is going through a lot at the moment, so he tries his hardest to ignore the pain and not take it personally. He understands why this might look strange, given the only thing Ryeowook knows about Hyukjae is that he was a very toxic person and as far as he’s aware, it’s still the case today.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Jongwoon swears. “This is the first time one of us contacted the other since we met the other day.”

“Then why did you—”

_ ‘Then why did you feel the need to save his number ?’ _ is what he wants to say, but he stops himself before he gets carried away and their conversation evolves into a full-blown fight that he has no energy for at the moment. Jongwoon does look sincere, but he’s still a mystery to him and he can’t crack the code behind his motives and intentions; it’s starting to get frustrating that every time he thinks he’s managed to figure him out, something else happens that completely throws that confidence out the window.

Ryeowook gets that Jongwoon doesn’t like to talk about emotional stuff, but the lack of communication sometimes goes overboard and includes things like this—things Ryeowook feels like he _ should _ know, and he can’t figure out for the life of him why Jongwoon would keep these things from him if his intentions were entirely honest.

“Never mind,” Ryeowook gives up, sounding utterly defeated and breaking Jongwoon’s heart as a result.

“Baby…” Jongwoon calls out to him as he takes a step forward so he can caress Ryeowook’s cheek, who thankfully lets him—as upset as he is, pushing Jongwoon away rather than allowing the man to prove that he does indeed only care about him is the last thing he needs right now. “Baby, look at me.”

Though Jongwoon’s tone remains extremely delicate, there’s enough sternness behind it that Ryeowook obeys him without a second thought and lifts his gaze up to Jongwoon’s dark eyes, which pierce through his soul the instant he meets them and freeze him in place. For once, Ryeowook thinks he is able to tell what lies beyond them, and guilt quickly creeps up on him when he spots the hurt behind Jongwoon’s concerned expression. Fuck.

“You have _ nothing _ to worry about,” Jongwoon swears. “Nothing. If you want me to delete his contact and block his number, just say it and I will. I made a promise to you that I’ll never let anyone get between us, no matter who that person is. I intend to keep it. At any cost.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook finally cracks, and he immediately has to wipe away his tears in a completely useless and kind of stupid attempt to hide them from Jongwoon as though the man wouldn’t notice him rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve _ somehow_—he knows that he’s not being rational at the moment, but he can’t help himself.

Ryeowook honestly hates himself right now. He’s just realizing now that he’s acting exactly like the jealous and controlling boyfriend he tried his hardest not to be; the situation was suspicious and there are a lot of things about Jongwoon that he can’t understand, but it’s not like him to act this way. He’s been so certain that whatever he’d find on Jongwoon’s list of flaws, _ unfaithful _ wouldn’t be one of them. And immediately jumping to such conclusions when Hyukjae and Jongwoon only met days ago, all of which Ryeowook has spent almost every waking hour by his side, is fucking ridiculous and he’s so angry at himself for letting his insecurities get the better of him, _ again_.

“Oh, baby,” Jongwoon breathes out before pulling Ryeowook into his arms. He honestly feels like crying too; all of this is his fault.

What he thought he was doing to protect him ended up doing the opposite; he didn’t want the boy to feel more insecure than he already was by letting him know that Hyukjae has changed to the point of being unrecognizable and especially not that they left on good terms. He’s been aware since the very beginning that for some reason Ryeowook doesn’t think he deserves him when it’s the other way around, and he thought letting him know that would cause him to think he’d ever consider going back with him, since the toxic behaviour Hyukjae exhibited had almost been the sole responsible for their downfall—something that had now seemingly vanished and therefore would no longer be a problem.

“I don’t like to see you doubt me this way,” Jongwoon admits, holding the boy even closer to him. “But I hate it even more that you think I’d ever want to look at anyone else when I already have you. I told you before and I’ll say it again, because my opinion on that is still the same : you’re the best I’ve ever had, and the best I _ could _ ever have. I’d have to be brain dead to look somewhere else when you’re right here by my side.”

“I didn’t mean to doubt you,” Ryeowook sobs into his shoulder. “I don’t know what happened… I just… I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” Jongwoon assures him. “You’re going through a lot of stress right now. I understand that you’re on edge and things might affect you more than usual. It’s okay.”

“I can’t even recognize myself,” Ryeowook laments. “And it doesn’t mean I’m allowed to hurt you like that. I feel like it’s the only thing I’ve been able to do lately.”

“I’ve gone through much, much worse,” Jongwoon dismisses. A bitter chuckle escapes from him. Letting himself get hurt over and over again by his partners is sadly something he’s very well acquainted with. He doesn’t know why he keeps doing it—it’s like he never learns. “I’ll get over it.”

“But—”

“_But_,” Jongwoon interrupts, “we should continue this conversation tomorrow if we feel like it’s necessary. For now, we should just… get washed up and go to bed. I think we both need it.”

Ryeowook doesn’t like evading his problems like that, but right now, Jongwoon’s plan sounds like heaven on earth. The sooner he goes to sleep, the sooner he’ll stop wallowing in his own guilt and have to listen to the voice in his head that keeps telling him over and over that Jongwoon will leave him and that he doesn’t like him anymore—that the only reason he’s staying is the same reason he stayed with Hyukjae for so long.

That man is just too selfless for his own good. Too caring and too strongly attached too. Ryeowook just doesn’t know the extent of it; he doesn’t know how far he would need to go for Jongwoon to have had enough and call it quits, and he never wants to find out. While there are some things that irk him sometimes, he’s still stupidly in love with the guy and the idea of sharing his life with someone else is just _ repugnant_.

Wiping the remainder of his tears on his cheeks, Ryeowook nods, agreeing with Jongwoon’s suggestion. A nice, warm bath is just what he needs right now, especially since he knows—or at least came to expect at this point, since it’s usually always the case—that it means he can just let go of everything and get into a safer mindspace while he allows Jongwoon to be in complete charge.

Jongwoon takes Ryeowook’s hand in his as he leads them into the building, the boy just letting himself be carried and guided up the stairs and to Jongwoon’s apartment without really taking in his surroundings. It feels as though his mind has been wiped out and he’s no longer able to form any concrete thoughts, which in this case is honestly a good thing. He’s never been more thankful for subspace than he is now.

As intimidating as the concept of a dominant-submissive relationship initially sounded to him, it becomes so helpful in times like these—it’s almost therapeutic in a way. He can’t feel scared, unsafe, anxious or alone when he has someone to take care of him the way Jongwoon does. Though he still feels guilty for even entertaining the idea that there might be something going on between Jongwoon and Hyukjae, he finds it a little easier to forgive himself when his boyfriend still manages to be so caring despite how upsetting it must have been for him.

To be honest, Ryeowook doesn’t even know if he actually went as far as believing Jongwoon was _ cheating_, though; he’s mostly scared that now that Hyukjae is back in his life, Jongwoon might end up missing certain aspects of their past relationship regarding their sex life, and Ryeowook knows this is a very important thing for his boyfriend just as it is to him. And he doesn’t know if he can give Jongwoon what he wants to the level that he needs.

Without really realizing it, Ryeowook giggles to himself when his first thought is to ask _ Sungmin_, out of all people, for more information about what he’s read about the whole BDSM thing to try and see if he could guess was Jongwoon was into back then.

“What’s so funny ?” Jongwoon inquires curiously.

They’re in the bathroom now, Ryeowook notes—he’s been so out of it that he hadn’t realized they were already home.

“Nothing,” Ryeowook brushes off. “I think I’m just… glad to be home.”

Though it’s not the reason that made him crack up, it’s technically not a lie. The difference of tone and atmosphere and feeling between here and Gimhae is almost shocking; whereas it had been cold, uninviting, unsound and almost unfamiliar to him over there, Jongwoon’s apartment is the complete opposite.

Jongwoon smiles at him, taking a step forward to kiss the top of his forehead. Though he stays silent, he shares this feeling entirely; maybe things will be able to go back to normal now that Ryeowook is in a better environment, away from unneeded sources of stress. It’s the main reason he can’t be upset at the boy for what he did, as hurtful as it was and still _ is_—Jongwoon is just an expert at denying. He also tends to lose his inhibitions when he’s irrationally angry or put under a lot of pressure, so it would be very hypocritical of him to hold Ryeowook accountable for _ all _ of it.

Plus, he wasn’t lying when he said he’s had to endure worse; though it’s made him more vulnerable deep down, it allowed him to build a shell around him so that it doesn’t show, and one that is convincing enough to fool him most of the time.

With his lips still pressed to his forehead, Jongwoon gets a hold of Ryeowook’s tie and pulls down on the knot to undo it, and he stays like that, breathing deep into his hair, as he continues to undress him slowly. Jongwoon doesn’t know why exactly he chooses to take his time—probably because Ryeowook had been so fragile in the past few days and he’s scared to break him—but the boy doesn’t complain; instead, as Jongwoon is working on the buttons of his dress shirt, he lifts his chin up so that the man can kiss him on the lips instead, which he indulges gladly.

The kiss remains shallow and unhurried as Ryeowook mimics Jongwoon and starts undressing him too. Unbeknownst to him, though, putting his hands on the man almost immediately has Jongwoon’s head spinning, and his mind goes blank for a second as he tries his hardest not to deepen the kiss and pin Ryeowook against the vanity—his boyfriend’s behaviour in the past few days has gotten him so scared that his possessiveness is threatening to take over and now is not the time for that.

“We should hurry if we want to go to bed sooner,” Jongwoon whispers between kisses.

Ryeowook doesn’t really feel like breaking away just yet, but Jongwoon has a point—as much as he’s into these small moments of true intimacy they haven’t had the chance to share much lately, he’s both exhausted and eager to just let himself relax into Jongwoon’s arms for a little while before bed. Giving in, Ryeowook nods, and he gives the man one last quick kiss before they pick up the pace in getting rid of their clothes.

There’s always been something amusing to Ryeowook in the contrast between Jongwoon who just throws them in the hamper without care and him who takes time to fold his before doing so, especially now given he’s the chaotic one between the two at the moment.

While Ryeowook is busy doing this task that Jongwoon considers unnecessary—they’re going to have to unfold them before throwing them in the washing machine, after all—the man gets the tub ready, making sure the water is at the perfect temperature before letting it run its course, and he sits on the edge of the tub as he watches Ryeowook fold the last piece of his suit and putting it in the hamper in his turn. But despite the boy’s bare state, Jongwoon isn’t openly looking him up and down and admiring his body like he normally would. He’s mostly staring at his face, more focused on the thoughts that come to his mind then than anything else.

It’s in his nature to overthink everything, and he’s definitely been doing almost exclusively that lately, but this time, he finds himself just reflecting over what their relationship has been up until now; everything had been so perfect—or almost everything—until Hyukjae came back into his life that he realizes he’s now seeing the flawed side of Ryeowook he’s never gotten to know before. He knew this would happen eventually, because as idealistic and idyllic Jongwoon is when he’s in a relationship, he’s still very much grounded in reality when it comes to this sort of thing. He doesn’t know what he even expected, but he’s certain _ ‘volatile, aggressive and on edge when put under stress’ _ would be it; he’s so soft and inoffensive usually, so it’s definitely a surprise. Yet, despite how much it hurts—the boy hadn’t been explicitly mean to him, but being treated like a nuisance instead of a safe space like he’s always been for him felt like a thousand slaps in the face to him—Jongwoon is convinced he can handle that, if that’s the worst Ryeowook can do.

Especially if all he needs to do to calm him down and for things to go back to normal, at least relatively so, is to pull him into his arms and let him cry for a little while.

Though he’s lost in thought, Jongwoon is still very much aware of his surroundings, and he knows exactly when to turn off the faucet before the bathtub overflows. Ryeowook is standing right in front of him, about two or three metres away, visibly flustered from Jongwoon’s persistent staring, and the man smiles at him as he stands up to assure him that everything is fine. Just the way it’s supposed to be.

Jongwoon is the first to climb in, immediately relaxing and almost getting the urge to fall asleep when he lets his body sink into the water. He sighs in relief, throwing his head back against the side of the tub and closing an eye, keeping the other on Ryeowook as the boy sheepishly joins in, avoiding his gaze as though he were intimidated, which amuses him more than anything else. They’ve probably had more sex in the six months they’ve known each other than a lot of people would in their _ lifetime _ and washing up together had become a habit of theirs; Jongwoon knew Ryeowook’s body by heart at this point and yet, his boyfriend had never been able to fully overcome his shyness when it came to standing naked in front of him in a non-sexual setting.

Jongwoon finds it absolutely adorable, but it’s not like it’s surprising coming from him. Ryeowook is probably one of, if not _ the _ cutest person he’s ever met in his entire life, and it doesn’t just come from being biased. He’d thought so the minute he laid his eyes on him and all he knew then was his name and age.

Ryeowook sits between Jongwoon’s legs on the other side of the tub, acting like he was trying to make himself as small as possible, making the man chuckle low.

“I can’t believe you’re still so shy after all this time,” Jongwoon marvels before beckoning him closer with a sign of his hand. “Come here.” He almost goes to add that he won’t eat him, but in their case, it has a double-entendre that he can’t really ignore, and he’d just be lying if he told him that.

Ryeowook is fighting a smile—with little effort, since Jongwoon doesn’t miss a second of it—as he pushes himself up on his arms toward the man, turning his body around so that his back can lay flat against the man’s chest, who eagerly welcomes him into his arms right away, letting them fall over his shoulders from either side of his neck. Ryeowook sighs in content. God, he’s so glad to be home. He’s still very shaken by the funeral and his grandmother’s passing, but the absence of the added anxiety his parents brought along with them is enough to keep him relatively calm right now. He can allow himself to rest, closing his eyes as Jongwoon reaches out for the body wash on the shelf in the indent on the wall next to them and just enjoying the serene atmosphere that’s now settled between them.

Jongwoon is always so quick to forgive him. He definitely doesn’t deserve it, but it doesn’t make him any less grateful for it.

Ryeowook jumps a little when he feels Jongwoon’s hands on his skin as opposed to the washcloth he was expecting, but fuck, this is so much better; his touch is so much softer, warmer, more appeasing than a piece of fabric could ever wish to be. He has to bite down on his lip to stifle a few moans that threaten to escape and give Jongwoon the entirely wrong idea—well, not exactly the wrong one, since Ryeowook, much to his dismay, is actually getting aroused by this—as he moves lower, and he _ swears _ the man is purposely trying to get him worked up with the way he brushes over his sweet spots and always spends a few more seconds caressing his skin before resuming his task. And it’s working.

Ryeowook’s body is completely limp and malleable by the time Jongwoon gets to his back. There’s no resistance whatsoever when he pushes the boy away so he can sit upright and so that he has access to it—the only thing his boyfriend does is shiver when Jongwoon subconsciously brushes his thumb against his spine, right between the shoulder blades, as he lathers the skin with soapy water. He almost forgot this was a very sensitive spot for him too. That, the base of his nape, and his lower back; all of them get him very reactive whenever they’re being paid attention to.

Which, of course, he has every intention of doing, just _ because_.

All it’s accomplishing, aside from making it harder for the boy to stay quiet, is to have Ryeowook try to figure out what Jongwoon has in mind exactly by playing this little game with him. He’s aware that at times, the man just likes to rile him up for fun while he has no intention of fucking him in the end; other times, it’s to force him to get ahead of himself and grow needy and reckless just so that Jongwoon has a reason to punish him for acting too boldly. Ryeowook has no way to tell which one it’ll be, as is the case each time. His boyfriend is completely unpredictable in bed, but it’s not something the boy minds all that much. The surprise factor can sometimes make the experience twice as good, but a part of him doesn’t think it’s fair to give Jongwoon the advantage of knowing every single one of his kinks—or learning he has them at the same time as he himself does—while Ryeowook only has knowledge of the ones they tried out when it comes to the man and that he’s much, much kinkier than he lets it show.

He’s also curious to know about it for various reasons—curiosity, getting ideas of what he might also be into and want to try out, but mostly to know where Jongwoon’s boundaries lay and so that he can at least stop feeling so insecure about his own worth as his partner that’s largely due to how clueless he is about all of it.

Maybe he should ask; he’s never attempted to before, at least he doesn’t remember doing so, and he figures Jongwoon wouldn’t mind talking about it to him.

“Daddy ?” Ryeowook calls out in a stutter, unsure and definitely confused about the use of this nickname, because he _ swears _ he meant to call Jongwoon by his name instead. That came out of nowhere without his doing, _ somehow_—he can’t be worried about his boyfriend’s reaction to being referred to as such outside of sex for too long, however, because if the way his cock twitches against the curve of his ass is anything to go by, Jongwoon is _ very _ into it. “Can I ask you a question ?”

Though Ryeowook doesn’t sound worried or distraught, Jongwoon is still nervous about what will come of it. He takes a few seconds to answer, instead running his hands up the boy’s back to massage his shoulders, hoping to keep his baby in that exact state, somewhere between asleep and conscious, if things turn out bad for either of them.

“Anything,” Jongwoon gives him the _ go ahead_.

It’s much harder for Ryeowook to form words when his boyfriend’s hands are now working miracles on his back, and he has to spend a good minute trying to collect himself because his first attempt at talking only resulted in him softly moaning in pleasure. Dammit.

“Do you remember… when we were on the plane in Taiwan…” Ryeowook trails off, a little hesitant. “And you told me about, like, the different types of doms and stuff ?”

Jongwoon frowns in confusion. He can’t understand where that’s coming from all of a sudden, but he’s relieved that Ryeowook wants to ask _ that type of question _ rather than something much more personal that he may not be comfortable answering.

“What about it ?” Jongwoon encourages, pulling the boy back against him so he can take a peek at his face over his shoulder.

“I remember you saying the thing we have right now is new to you,” Ryeowook blurts out before looking up at Jongwoon, whose eyes bore into him, filled with a strange mix of fondness and surprise. “I was just wondering what it was like for you before.”

Jongwoon freezes for a moment. Not because it brings back bad memories he’d rather forget, but because he doesn’t know if telling Ryeowook about it is a good idea; he’s kept a lot of his kinks a secret from the boy by fear that it might feel pressured to go along with it even if he doesn’t want to just to satisfy him. He’s brought up his insecurities about whether or not he was a good submissive to him before—the last thing he wants is for Ryeowook to do things he’s uncomfortable doing just because he thinks that’s what _ he _ wants.

The thing is, he can’t tell him that. With his current state of mind and everything that happened recently, it’s just an overall terrible idea and it might get Ryeowook to doubt the trust he has for him, which will just end up making things worse.

He’ll just have to find a way to bring it up without making it seem like he necessarily wants to go back to that kind of lifestyle. He does miss _ some _ aspects of it, but it feels so wrong doing that with Ryeowook that it’s enough to turn him completely off just thinking about it.

“I never really stuck to one archetype in particular,” Jongwoon begins, trying to ease the both of them into the subject. “When I first got into it, I stuck to the standard sort of power play where the dynamics would be strictly attached to sex and didn’t have an impact on daily life. I know it sounds a little confusing,” Jongwoon chuckles, “but you know how I’ll sometimes punish you for acting like a brat even outside of play ?”

Ryeowook feels his face heat up as he nods, something Jongwoon finds so adorable that he can’t help but give him a kiss on the cheek, turning the boy’s flustered state into a more playful one almost instantly.

“I wouldn’t do that with them,” Jongwoon continues. “But as I got more into it, I started feeling drawn to dynamics that would involve some type of power exchange that would carry on in everyday life too.”

“Like you’re doing with me ?” Ryeowook figures, eyes shining with hope when he turns his head to look up at him.

“Yes, exactly like we’re doing,” Jongwoon smiles proudly. “You told me once that doing this allowed us to get closer more quickly and that it made our bond stronger. That’s exactly why I’m still doing that after almost ten years. I actually like that you asked me to try and bring this outside of sex. I love being able to just… have you like this. I tried a different type of power exchange before, the master-slave one, but having to treat you like you’re below me just feels so wrong on so many levels. I can tease you in a degrading way once in a while during punishment, but I wouldn’t be able to do that all the time and not to the level I used to.”

“The level you used to ?” Ryeowook repeats, genuinely intrigued. “Like what ?”

“Are you sure you want to know ?” Jongwoon smirks, cocking an eyebrow teasingly. “You might regret it.”

“I’m scared,” Ryeowook half-jokes—he really really wants to know, but the way Jongwoon is going about it makes him a little apprehensive of what he’s thinking about. “Did you like, pee on them or something ?”

“No,” Jongwoon chuckles. “But you’re close.”

“... what ?”

“_ I _ wouldn’t pee on them,” Jongwoon specifies, “but if they badly misbehaved and needed to be taught a lesson, I _ could _ get them to pee themselves as a form of humiliation.”

Weirdly enough, Ryeowook isn’t actually bothered or disturbed by this—he’s mostly shocked, because while he knew Jongwoon was into heavier stuff that what they’ve done up until now, seeing him as someone who could be _ this _ sadistic and degrading honestly feels like he’s talking about a completely different person and not himself.

“How ?” Ryeowook blurts out despite him. Though it’s not something he thinks he’ll ever want to try—especially since Jongwoon’s just told him he wouldn’t do that with him—he’s so curious to learn about this that he can’t help but ask questions.

“I’d strip them away from all power,” Jongwoon explains. “If they wanted to do _ anything_, they had to ask for permission first. And it included asking to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I’d just deny them over and over and, well. You know what would come next.”

Jongwoon waits for another question to pop up, because Ryeowook seems to be on a roll, but this time, the boy just remains silent, appearing in deep thought. Jongwoon honestly hopes he’s not about to ask to do that with him—both because it feels wrong to him and because he knows with absolute certainty that Ryeowook is not ready for something like this, not by a long shot.

“Do you regret asking ?” Jongwoon checks, trying to approach it in a joking way just in case Ryeowook was actually traumatized by it.

“No,” Ryeowook affirms, shaking his head. “I was just thinking that… I don’t know, the whole pee thing aside… surrendering all control like that sounds… nice.”

Jongwoon blinks. He almost goes to pinch himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming. Did Ryeowook really just..?

“I like not having to think of anything,” Ryeowook adds before Jongwoon can manage to ask a coherent question to get him to elaborate on what he means by that. “Sometimes I wish I could be in subspace at all times because I can’t think of anything negative when it happens. I just… don’t want to look needy and make you feel like I’m expecting you to pay attention to me constantly.”

“You wouldn’t,” Jongwoon assures, a little too eager and quick on his response. If Ryeowook is suggesting what he thinks he is, _ fuck him_, he’s not about to let that pass up. “If it makes you feel good and happy, then it makes me happy too. And do you honestly think I would mind having to baby you whenever we’re together ?”

“... no,” Ryeowook mumbles after a moment. “I just don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“You won’t be,” Jongwoon affirms, sighing in absolute bliss. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. And not just for me. The fact that you love what we are as much as I do is both the biggest relief and the best gift you could ever give me. _ Fuck… _”

Jongwoon has a hard time containing himself. He’s so fucking excited about taking their power exchange to another level that he forgets everything they’ve had to go through lately—the only thing he can think of right now is the immense satisfaction the confirmation that Ryeowook is okay with all of this and doesn’t feel pressured like he feared he would that washes through him and detangles the knots in his tense muscles all at once.

“Does that mean we can try it ?” Ryeowook checks as he turns around to kneel between Jongwoon’s legs, facing him, and sounding just about as enthusiastic about it as his boyfriend is.

“Yes,” Jongwoon confirms, reaching out to caress his cheek. “Of course we can, baby boy.”

Despite his initial reaction, Jongwoon isn’t actually too surprised by this. Ryeowook has brought that up with him before, when they were in Taiwan, but back then, they had introduced it into their relationship as more of a formality than an official thing; Ryeowook had let him know then that not being able to do things on his own was a hard limit for him, so Jongwoon didn’t want to push it further than he had so far. But now, the boy is giving him the green light to do so, and Jongwoon understands where this change of mind comes from. He still values Ryeowook’s autonomy, so he’s still going to give him that without requiring him to constantly update him on what he’s doing or worse, follow him around—Ryeowook is not a child and Jongwoon would be severely put off by having to treat him like one; he likes to baby him, but this is a territory he’ll never go in under any circumstances—but he thinks having him ask permission before doing things like going out to hang out with friends and things of the sort is definitely doable. And if it helps get rid of Ryeowook’s worries and troubles, or at least appease them somewhat, then Jongwoon is more than happy to comply.

He knows that although it can’t perform miracles, their relationship dynamic can be very therapeutic when it comes to minor stuff that doesn’t necessarily require professional help—Ryeowook isn’t in the same situation as Hyukjae was. He’s just insecure and currently going through a lot of grief, guilt and stress, not dealing with existential dread and extreme abandonment issues.

And the bright, content and relieved smile that appears on Ryeowook’s face only encourages the idea that he’s making the right decision here. Fuck, he’s so weak for his baby; he really is the one who holds all the power in their relationship—the control Jongwoon has is basically only surface level at this point, but it’s enough for him, though it still scares him a little, deep down. If he can have Ryeowook like this, so compliant and most of all so trusting, then he believes it’s worth it.

“Let’s speed this up a little,” Jongwoon declares then, referring to the fact that they’re still in the tub and the water is turning lukewarm. “We can talk about this in more detail tomorrow.”

Ryeowook nods in agreement. He’s too tired at the moment to make any attempts at getting the man riled up and in the mood to have sex, despite still being a little needy from Jongwoon’s subtle teasing earlier. Yet, Jongwoon notices some disappointment lingering behind the boy’s eyes, and after initially reckoning that Ryeowook may have expected this to turn into sex, the man comes to the conclusion that his baby was just waiting for a kiss—the way his gaze keeps falling to his lips is a dead giveaway.

Chuckling, Jongwoon leans forward to capture Ryeowook’s lips with him, keeping the embrace relatively shallow as to not send the boy the wrong message; he’s not really in the mood for sex either. Just having Ryeowook allow him to touch is satisfactory enough, because, at least to him, this means the boy isn’t completely repulsed and turned off by the unexpected text he got from Hyukjae.

Speaking of which, even if a part of him weirdly doesn’t really feel like it, Jongwoon believes it’s in the best interest for his relationship if he does block his number and social media accounts, even if Ryeowook hasn’t explicitly asked him to. He’ll wait for tomorrow to do that, though, both because he doesn’t want to bring this up again so soon, and because he wants Ryeowook to witness him doing it as proof of his commitment to him.

If Jongwoon even had any doubt about their new agreement, he certainly no longer has any by the end of the next day. Ryeowook’s change in behaviour is almost immediate, and though it’s not exactly drastic to the point where he can’t even recognize him, it’s still different enough to leave Jongwoon both flabbergasted and really pleased by it at times. The boy’s always leaned over to the clingy side, which would grow exponentially more intense whenever he was in subspace, but Jongwoon wouldn’t be exaggerating if he claimed that he’s literally never left his side aside from bathroom breaks, and while most people would eventually grow uncomfortable with this, the man was absolutely elated by it.

Ryeowook even got him to cling to his back while he was cooking, when he’d usually whine about him being a distraction and banter with him about it. _ That _ had been the most shocking part in all of it—he just about lost it when the boy had dragged him by the hand, away from his computer, a little pout on his face, to get him to hold him from behind as he made dinner. It was so adorable that Jongwoon thought for a second he might have imagined it, but fuck, he’s so glad that it’s real. He tends to be very clingy himself, so this is perfect for him.

Unfortunately for him, or the both of them in this case, Jongwoon’s work prevents them from keeping up with this trend once evening strikes and the sun starts to set. He’s tried to work on it all day, as dreadful as it sounds, because he realized that he’s severely been slacking off lately; and though it was for very valid reasons, his deadline is approaching, and he doubts Sooman will take any excuse he can come up with as legitimate. Not that he gives a horse crap about that old man, though—it’s just that with all the comments he’s still getting every day and the support the fans of his work continuously give him, and not just for his latest disaster of a book, has started to make him feel like he at least owes them that.

He’s been entertaining the idea of going on a sabbatical after he’s done with this one lately—not forever, but he’s got enough savings to last for a little bit and just enjoy life without feeling pressured and maybe reconnect with his passion in the end.

Ryeowook had been opposed to it at first, pouting and complying with a childish grumble, when Jongwoon told him he’d be working on his story for a little bit. The man, however, didn’t feel like locking himself in his office like he usually would—leaving a submissive on their own when they’re in subspace typically doesn’t yield good results, and he doesn’t want Ryeowook’s thoughts to wander into territories it shouldn’t go in just because he might end up feeling like Jongwoon is abandoning him. Jongwoon isn’t able to get into that space, so he hasn’t experienced what it feels like, but he’s heard from Geng that it’s an extremely unpleasant thing to go through.

Well, maybe Geng’s testimony is biased given the man heavily leans on the dominant side of things and that he’s always been a little reluctant in letting Heechul be in charge, so that may be where his heavy discomfort comes from, but Jongwoon doesn’t want to take the risk.

Ryeowook is a good boy, though, and he doesn’t try to convince Jongwoon to change his mind and cuddle with him instead, even if he’s obviously sulking and Jongwoon can feel this energy radiating from the boy when he sits next to him on the other side of the couch, tablet in hand, to see if he can pass the time drawing while Jongwoon can’t pay attention to him.

It’s hard for Ryeowook to focus, however, and he’s not even sure of what he’s drawing until he’s about halfway done with the line work. Which, he realizes to his horror—and also embarrassment—turns out to be a very, _ very _ explicit blowjob scene between two characters that eerily look like him and Jongwoon, and even if he knows his boyfriend can’t see it, his first reflex is to hide the screen by pressing it to his chest, accidentally letting out an audible gasp at the shock that sadly catches Jongwoon’s attention.

The man glances over to his boyfriend, who’s blushing profusely and clinging onto his tablet for no apparent reason, and almost looks terrified—it’s definitely intriguing, and Jongwoon actually does consider asking him what’s going on, but he’s getting some sort of wicked amusement just watching Ryeowook try to focus on a task when he clearly knows the boy won’t be able to do that in the state he’s in. And especially not with him right by his side. For once, Jongwoon is the biggest distraction between the two, and it’s very entertaining to say the least.

Pretending as though he hasn’t noticed, Jongwoon goes back to his work, but he keeps a small portion of his focus onto Ryeowook, who takes the bait eventually and resumes his drawing, though he seems to be struggling _ a lot more _ than he had previously. He’s on a roll at the moment, ideas flowing into and out of his mind at the speed of sound, and he simply can’t stop himself right now and inquire about what Ryeowook is doing as long as inspiration keeps pouring in. It doesn’t mean he minds his boyfriend’s presence, though. On the contrary, he welcomes it—just having him there at all works wonders at relaxing him, and he feels that, despite the boy’s fidgeting, he’d be able to get even more work done this way.

Ryeowook’s face is still heating up, and the burning of his cheeks doesn’t seem to want to go away anytime soon, as he’s still hot and bothered by the time he’s done with the linework. He doesn’t know why he’s so bashful about this—he’s drawn porn before out of boredom, and liked to use _ ‘wanting to practice anatomy’ _ as an excuse for doing it—but the fact that this is a drawing of him, on his knees, hands cuffed behind his back and sucking at the tip of Jongwoon’s cock feels extremely different from how _ personal _ it is. He hadn’t realized just how horny he was up until now, mistaking him for simple innocent clinginess, but he’s now hyper-aware of it and it just makes it even harder to concentrate on anything that _ isn’t _ Jongwoon.

The man is just sitting there, breathing, not even paying attention to him or touching him, in complete silence, and yet he still exudes so much dominant energy that Ryeowook can feel himself growing smaller and smaller, forcing him to drop even deeper into subspace, down to a level he doesn’t think he’s ever experienced before.

And though he still feels its comforting presence swathe him, it also bring this coldness he can’t really explain—it’s subtle, but very much there, and even if no concrete thought comes to his mind to accompany it, Ryeowook can feel himself growing more unsafe and needier than ever for Jongwoon’s comfort. He manages to slow it down by focusing all of his senses on Jongwoon; he’s there, right by his side, and even though he isn’t touching him, he’s still keeping him away from danger. He’s safe. There’s nothing to worry about.

Well, nothing aside from the fact that his hand hadn’t stopped moving all this time, his pen strokes now more aggressive and sharp due to anxiety creeping up on him, but also a tinge of frustration leftover from the fact that Jongwoon isn’t paying attention to him—and Jongwoon picks up on that very quickly.

Now unable to fight against his curiosity, Jongwoon peeks over Ryeowook’s shoulder from the side to see what’s been getting him so antsy all this time, and his heart drops into his chest—in a good way—when he fully processes the image he’s looking at. His baby’s been flustered because he was drawing them during play, and he can’t help but internally coo at it. It’s so fucking adorable.

Adorable, but also hot as hell, and _ now _ the boy has all of his attention.

“Why didn’t you tell daddy you were _ that _ needy, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon chuckles, speaking in that sultry tone that has Ryeowook shivering instantly.

“I _ told _ you,” Ryeowook laments, mumbling under his breath. “But you said you were busy.” He’s blushing even more now as he tries to hide the drawing from his boyfriend, even if he knows it’s useless at this point—he already saw.

“You made it look like you just wanted cuddles,” Jongwoon argues. Smirking, he leans forward to place his laptop, still open and turned on, on the coffee table in front of him so he can beckon Ryeowook to come closer.

Ryeowook lowers his gaze, a little intimidated and apprehensive, but executes himself anyway—this is what he wanted, after all. He’s taken by surprise, however, when the man takes a hold of him when he takes too much time to approach for his liking, and forces him to sit in his lap, legs on either side of his thigh, as opposed to letting him cuddle up to his side like he expected him to. He’s not complaining, though. If anything, he likes it better that way, since it allows him to feel Jongwoon’s growing bulge against his, and having the opportunity to do that is definitely one of his favourites.

“If I’d known you wanted daddy’s cock shoved deep in your cute little throat, things might’ve been different,” Jongwoon lets him know then, staring at his thumb brushing over Ryeowook’s Adam’s apple for a moment before boring his eyes into the boy’s, who looks like he’s struggling hard not to make any sudden move that could potentially warrant him punishment for misbehaving.

_ He’s such a good boy. _

“Does that mean you’ll play with me now ?” Ryeowook inquires, hopeful.

Jongwoon laughs softly. “Daddy will need to write down some notes so that I don’t forget my ideas, but I promise I won’t take long. In the meantime, why don’t you be a good little boy and wait for me in the bedroom, hm ? Then we can do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want ?” Ryeowook repeats. This is better than he anticipated.

“Whatever you want,” Jongwoon confirms, leaning forward to kiss the tip of Ryeowook’s nose. “Only if you’re good and patient, though. Do you think you can do that ?”

Though Ryeowook is a little disappointed that he’s going to have to wait, he nods cheerily, more eager to finally have a chance to choose what they’ll be playing with. Jongwoon’s given him that privilege before, but he always ended up losing it for acting too much like a brat—this time, he’s going to do his best to obey his boyfriend’s orders, even if he feels like whining about it.

“Go on, then,” Jongwoon winks at him as he gives his ass a little squeeze, followed by a tap. “I’ll be right behind.”

If Ryeowook is reluctant to pry himself off of Jongwoon’s grip, he doesn’t let it show as he complies to the man’s demand, close to skipping his way to the bedroom as he beelines for it. Jongwoon allows himself to stare in adoration over the back of the couch—maybe more at his ass with lust, since neither of them bothered to get dressed past the t-shirt and underwear combo today, but Jongwoon likes to think he still has _ some _ pure thoughts about the boy—until he watches his baby disappear behind the door. He’s a sucker for having Ryeowook wear his clothes. It’s one of the many ways he can manage to claim him as his own; he doesn’t care if it’s a mark only _ he _ gets to see. He’s even more into the fact that he doesn’t even need to ask him to put them on.

Sighing in content, Jongwoon turns back to his writing. He’s feeling his inspired streak slowly fade away, too distracted by the prospect of playing with his baby who’s now patiently waiting for him in his bedroom like the good little boy he is, even if Ryeowook likes to hide this nature under the mask of a brat sometimes. They’ve had to deal with a few bumps lately, but the fact that they’ve been able to hold on and still manage to go back to normal—now with the added bonus of introducing a _ total power exchange _ aspect to their relationship, to Jongwoon’s absolute delight—is just even more proof to him that they might be meant to be. If once upon a time the man had a problem with believing fate had a hand in this, he’s not so against it anymore. Maybe if it’s true, Ryeowook won’t end up leaving him for the fuck ups he causes.

Like allowing himself to get distracted enough to forget his plan of deleting and blocking Hyukjae’s number with Ryeowook as a witness, though part of him believes this was intentional because he didn’t want to ruin the boy’s mood for the day. He’s going to do it tomorrow, though. No beating around the bush. This is too important of a thing to gloss over and pretend it’s not there.

Breathing deep, Jongwoon takes one last good look at Ryeowook’s unfinished drawing, his tablet still turned on and taunting him from the side, and chuckles at the picture in amusement. His baby is so naughty. He loves it.

Turning the tablet off and setting it aside on the coffee table, Jongwoon picks up his laptop again, wanting to hurry with the notes so he wouldn’t have Ryeowook wait for too long. The idea of teasing him by taking his time really appeals to his more sadistic side, but the boy hadn’t done anything to prompt Jongwoon to be so unfair to him. He’s been so good—he deserves a reward.

Normally, Jongwoon is the type to write down extremely, almost overly detailed notes of what he plans to write down the line, but this time, his document looks more like a bullet list of keywords than the long descriptive paragraphs he would usually churn out. He’s hoping he’ll be able to make sense of this when he comes back to his work tomorrow, but right now, he can’t find it in himself to care whether this makes sense or not. His baby needs him. And _ he _ needs him too.

Though objectively speaking, Jongwoon hasn’t done anything wrong, the man doesn’t seem to think so. Somehow, he thinks he’s at fault, at least partially, for causing Ryeowook’s outbursts by just adding on more stress and pressure than he could handle onto his shoulders, especially when it came to saving Hyukjae’s number without telling him first—it was in case Hyukjae bailed on him, which he had a tendency to do, but he doesn’t want to make excuses for it. He really didn’t mean to cause the boy so much distress, and he feels like he should be making up for it, or at least try to.

Judging himself good for the day about fifteen minutes of basically keyboard smashing his ideas onto his document, Jongwoon shuts off the lid a little too impatiently before leaving his laptop next to Ryeowook’s tablet, getting to his feet in the process. He wonders what Ryeowook is doing right now. Fifteen minutes can be a long time when you’re waiting for and looking forward to something; he wouldn’t be surprised if he caught Ryeowook fidgeting on his bed at this point.

But that’s not what happens. Upon entering the room, the first thing he sees is Ryeowook kneeling on the floor at the foot of his bed, head resting on his forearms crossed on top of the mattress, greeting him with a proud and satisfied smile that has Jongwoon’s mind go blank. His jaw drops a little in bewilderment, just enough for Ryeowook to notice, who then closes his eyes as a way to let him know he’s relaxed and ready for whatever’s coming, which almost causes the man to literally start malfunctioning.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

_ Why does he have to be so goddamn perfect ?! _ Now Jongwoon almost regrets telling Ryeowook that he’d be the one choosing what they’d be doing today, because he’s now having to fight against the urge to tie him up on the bed and mark his entire body with hickeys and bite marks as he pounds him into the mattress so hard it’ll look like he’s purposely trying to make the bedspring collapse. He wishes this was a hyperbole.

After delivering himself a monumental mental slap to bring him back to Earth, Jongwoon quietly walks up to the boy to stand behind him, his hand immediately finding its way into his blonde hair—that’s slowly starting to go back to dark brown, as Ryeowook had expressed his plan to let it go back to his natural hair color to give it a break from the constant bleaching, which Jongwoon has also started doing—to pet it, causing the younger man to quickly go completely limp at his feet. A shiver runs down Ryeowook’s spine, running through his entire body and making every hair on his body rise up in excitement; Jongwoon curses under his breath again, inaudible enough for Ryeowook to miss it, because his baby is so fucking responsive to his touch and it’s so goddamn _ sexy _ that the man can barely contain himself.

“You did just what I asked,” Jongwoon breathes out, lowering his hand to grab the side of Ryeowook’s neck to run his thumb down the back, applying some pressure right at the base where it meets his back—a spot that tends to be tense, but also doubles as a sweet spot, the man had found out some time ago.

“You say that like you’re surprised,” Ryeowook teases, mumbling cutely into his arm.

Jongwoon chuckles a little at the boy’s snarky comment, which ended up being what he needed to snap out of his sort of trance-like state he’s been stuck in since he first laid eyes on him.

“I _ am _ surprised,” Jongwoon admits, bending down to purr his response right next to Ryeowook’s ear. “When I give you a chance to be in control, you always grow too bold and I end up having to punish you. Not that I really mind, because I love seeing you completely helpless under me. But seeing you like this… so obedient and submissive… Fuck, it’s just as good.”

Ryeowook stifles a little giggle at the compliment. He likes to take Jongwoon by surprise—it makes him feel like he has the upper hand for once, and he’s satisfied with just that. He doesn’t want to become too predictable. He thinks it’ll make him become too boring, both for Jongwoon and for himself, even if the man seems to really like the fact that he can foresee his every move and remain one step ahead.

“I wanted daddy to call me a good boy,” Ryeowook confesses, this time completely unashamed and confident in his words. The current level of subspace—it’s the only way he can describe it, given it’s much more intense than anything he’s experienced before—he’s reached, despite making him feel exponentially more vulnerable and exposed, has almost entirely stripped him away of the usual bashfulness he’d exhibit when it came to voicing out his needs.

“Is that so ?” Jongwoon feigns surprise. It’s no news to him that Ryeowook practically gets off of that nickname alone, and he’s more than happy to indulge him, though part of him believes he wouldn’t be as into it if Ryeowook weren’t in the first place. “And what else does my good little boy want from me today ?”

Ryeowook gives himself some time to think as Jongwoon continues to caress him, his hand now going down to the middle of his back. Even though he did spend all his time waiting for his boyfriend to show up pondering over what he wanted for today, he’d never actually come to a conclusive answer. He doesn’t really know what he’s in the mood for, to be honest—anything could go.

As his mind filters through everything they’ve done and tried together, or at least the ones he can remember off the top of his head, the memory of the punishment he received in Taiwan, the first time he actually got to experience Jongwoon in all of his dominant glory, keeps flashing back over and over again. He doesn’t know why he’s thinking of _ discipline _ right now when he hasn’t done anything that could warrant him that type of play today, but he reckons it probably has to do with the results it yielded rather than the action itself—how amazingly _ numb _ he’d felt as his body was pumped full of endorphins and how intense his orgasm had been; he wants to experience that again, but with the added bonus of Jongwoon actually fucking him this time too.

“Will you spank me too ?” Ryeowook inquires after a moment.

Jongwoon’s hand freezes on Ryeowook’s back, on the spot right between his shoulder blades and his neck, taken aback by the boy’s behaviour for the second—or third, if he counts just how well he’s adjusted to his role as his full-time submissive—and a little confused at the fact that he’s asking for something that’s generally used as punishment, even though for some people it isn’t always the case. That’s how he’s introduced it to Ryeowook, although he guesses nothing he does truly _ is _ punishment for the boy given how much he enjoys it.

“Hm, it depends,” Jongwoon lingers. “Does my baby think he can handle it ? You were so fucked out of your mind last time I did it.”

“I can,” Ryeowook affirms. “I know I’m in safe hands.”

Jongwoon may as well add ‘trust’ into his endless list of kinks at this point, because the joy, thrill and pure passionate desire that overwhelm him then is indescribable. Ryeowook looks confident enough, too, and at this point he’s gotten used to the lifestyle well over Jongwoon’s expectations—if he says he can do it, then he probably can.

“Crawl onto the bed,” Jongwoon orders in a whisper. “Flat on your stomach, head resting on your forearms just like they are right now.”

The man gives Ryeowook a little kiss on the ear before he helps him climb on top of the mattress before getting up in his turn, but instead of following him, he stays right where he is, unmoving, simply staring at Ryeowook’s lying form and his little ass that’s just begging to get slapped and stuffed full of his cock. It’s a sight to marvel about.

“Tell me what sounds better,” Jongwoon announces. “Bare hand, glove, or paddle ? I also have a cane, but that’s only if you feel like not being able to sit for an entire week.”

“Huh…” Ryeowook has no fucking clue what he’s talking about, but any of those ideas sound like fun—except being unable to sit for a week straight, at least not right now given he’s also hoping Jongwoon will fuck him, though he wouldn’t put it past him to want to try that too sometime in the future. “Glove ?” he guesses at random. He’s not really worried, though, even if he’s mostly in the dark about what Jongwoon has in mind.

“I’ll be right back,” Jongwoon assures, and Ryeowook _ swears _ he can hear him smirk in his voice. God, he’s so curious now.

The boy turns his head to Jongwoon’s side to try and catch a glimpse of what the man is doing. He’s looking through his dresser at the corner of his room, the one he stores most of his toys in—Ryeowook realizes that he’s never gotten around to take a peek at what Jongwoon even keeps in there, but it’s sure to be interesting, to say the least.

Jongwoon comes back less than a minute later with a pair of gloves; the angle he’s at prevents him from noticing the small bottle he hides between the two, to the man’s own amusement. He’s told Ryeowook he’ll get to choose what they do today, but that doesn’t mean he won’t tease him a little first—just as a reminder that he’ll always be the one in charge and to keep that in mind before he starts acting like a brat again.

It’s been a while since he’s indulged in sensory play, but he remembered at the last second upon seeing the little tube of warming cream that Ryeowook is sensitive to changes in temperature—there was this instance where he hadn’t cared to warm up the lube before using it on him and the boy had almost cum right at the contact, and it’s been almost constantly playing at the back of his mind since then. Now is a perfect time to test out if his assumption is correct.

Setting the objects aside, Jongwoon crawls on top of Ryeowook, leaning down to trap his body between his own and the mattress, and presses his lips right on the curve of his jaw as he stretches out to grab one of the pillows arranged right in front of them, holding himself up with his other arm to avoid completely crushing the boy. Ryeowook has already started trembling from the thrill of the unknown and his eagerness to have Jongwoon finally put his arms on him—his wish is granted a few seconds later when the man draws back to pull him up by the waist, slipping the pillow right under his crotch to keep his ass up, while also forcing friction against his little cock that he can feel has started to grow hard, and he’s willing to bet that Jongwoon did that on purpose.

Ryeowook struggles not to buck his hips into it when he feels Jongwoon’s lips and wet, warm tongue suck a hickey right in the curve of the small of his back, a little to the left of his spine, distracting him completely from the fact that he’s also pulling his boxers down until they reach his middle thighs, restricting his movements. Setting his arm across the boy’s back, the other already caressing and kneading the flesh of his right asscheek, Jongwoon pins Ryeowook’s hips down into the pillow, rendering him completely immobile and forces him to lie there, entirely at Jongwoon’s mercy, as the man works on leaving his mark on his body.

This is already getting him worked up. The spot Jongwoon chose was deliberate, and Ryeowook can feel the tingle produced by the man sucking on his skin fly through his entire body, making him shiver almost violently. His nails dig into his forearms from the pleasure, and he’s quickly brought to whimpers and quiet moans as he desperately fights back his urge to hump the pillow in search of quick release.

“I have a little surprise for you,” Jongwoon murmurs into his skin, sending the vibrations of his voice straight to his cock, now painfully hand and crushed under the weight of his body. “I promise you’ll love it.”

Jongwoon gives the newly formed bruise a quick lick before pushing himself up so he can kneel over Ryeowook’s left thigh, a leg on either side. He then grabs the little tube bottle and opens the lid with a sound that the boy initially mistakes for lube—is Jongwoon going to fuck him at the same time ? God, just the thought has his cock staining the pillow with precum. Fuck yes.

“Oh— fuck,” Ryeowook curses before his breath cuts short—his assumption had been completely wrong, but he’s too overwhelmed by the coldness of whatever the hell Jongwoon is smearing on both of his asscheeks, making sure to press it onto the skin to the point of leaving it red in the shape of his hands.

“_Language_,” Jongwoon reprimands him in a stern voice, all playfulness he used to bring at the beginning of their current playtime gone from him by now.

“M’sorry daddy,” Ryeowook struggles to apologize, a moan nearly cutting him off before he’s done when his skin starts to burn; they barely even started and he’s already on the verge of tears from holding his orgasm back.

Jongwoon grins devilishly, observing the way Ryeowook’s body trembles under the pressure put on him by his impending climax with a wicked eye. He knew his baby would love that.

As Jongwoon wipes his hands on his own underwear, Ryeowook’s body starts spasming and moving on its own and prompting him to grind his hips down into the pillow to chase his own orgasm. With the slow and subtle movements he’s making, Jongwoon is convinced that the boy believes he won’t notice, which is probably the biggest mistake he could ever make right now—he _ has_, and he won’t let it slide.

After taking a few more seconds to put his glove on, Jongwoon’s hand comes into contact with Ryeowook’s right cheek; no warning, no scolding, nothing—just the hit and the tingle it brings on top of the one he already has from the cream. Fuck, this is good.

“Did I tell you you could do that ?” Jongwoon groans, massaging the spot he just hit with one hand while the other holds his hip down in place.

“N—”

“No, I did not,” Jongwoon cuts off. He sounds angry. “Is this what you wanted all along ? To have your little fun so daddy would punish you ?”

Ryeowook shakes his head. Punishment does sound nice right now, but it wasn’t his initial intention.

“I want you to go harder,” Ryeowook pleads, already getting high off of the endorphins overwhelming his body.

“_ Harder _ ?” Jongwoon repeats, almost coming off as _ offended_. “When I told you you would get to _ ask_, I didn’t mean you could _ demand_,” he then growls. “I thought I warned you about growing bold, sweetheart. You’re going to regret that, baby.”

The second hit comes much harder, much sharper, so strong that air gets stuck in Ryeowook’s lungs—he doesn’t regret it. His mind is floating up somewhere above him, and he’s so fucking out of it that the line between pleasure and pain is completely blurred. The heat from the cream, the sting of the impact, the softness of Jongwoon’s velvet glove rubbing over the skin after each hit; it’s fucking amazing, and he lets himself drift away into space. This is what he wanted.

Ryeowook doesn’t know exactly how many hits follow—maybe three or four, five at most. He isn’t counting them. Jongwoon hasn’t asked him to, and he doesn’t think he’d even be able to if he had. His entire body feels numb, save for his cock that’s on the verge of exploding, and this is it. The feeling he was looking for. The one where his mind abandons him completely, as though it were wiped clean, and he can’t think of anything aside from Jongwoon at this moment.

“You’re moving so goddamn much,” Jongwoon growls. “It’s like you’re looking for trouble. Do you love having daddy put you back in your place that much ?”

Ryeowook nods, whining loudly and trying to push his ass back against Jongwoon’s hand, only proving the man’s claim even more. Jongwoon guesses he’s feeling generous, because he gives his boyfriend exactly what he wants, hitting him again and making the boy choke on a moan, though it almost sounds like a cry.

“I asked you a question,” Jongwoon presses, speaking through gritted teeth. “You’re a big boy, aren’t you ? Use your words. I don’t like silence.”

“I like it,” Ryeowook admits then, panting, sounding very serious—he means it. “Please don’t stop.”

“You should see what your little ass looks like right now,” Jongwoon teases. Ryeowook’s right cheek is so bruised and red that the man can feel the heat through his glove, and fuck, it’s beautiful. He’s on strike seven out of fifteen, ready to move on to the left side, pausing only to make sure everything is still alright with Ryeowook before continuing.

His baby looks so fucked out, like his consciousness abandoned him completely, and he needs to bring him back before he goes out too far.

“Color ?” Jongwoon checks.

Ryeowook doesn’t answer for an awfully long time, which just makes Jongwoon increasingly worried. He’s getting this dreadful gut feeling now that something here isn’t quite right, though he can’t pinpoint what it is exactly. The fact that Ryeowook is silent right now honestly doesn’t help, and he can already feel the familiar sensation of guilt creeping up on him along with the thought that he may have done something wrong and Ryeowook is just too nice to say so.

“Green,” Ryeowook finally replies, but his words are strangled, as if he were forcing them out with what little strength he had left. “Please continue.”

Jongwoon bites his lip. There’s a voice in his head that keeps repeating over and over that it’s a terrible idea, growing louder and louder until he can’t ignore it anymore; there’s this intense feeling of anxiety that’s making its presence known too, slowly, but it’s there, accompanied with unpleasant memories and the emotions attached to them that make it hard for him to breathe and feel like his heart has turned to stone, weighing heavy in his chest. He doesn’t like this. He really doesn’t like this.

Ryeowook appears to be okay on the outside, and he did sound sincere when he gave him the go ahead—maybe too much so, in hindsight. He’s usually either playful or needy when he does that; the fact that he’s being so serious about it is honestly unsettling. He’s not comfortable with this at all.

“No,” Jongwoon denies, trying his best to appear calm, though there’s audible doubt in his voice. He’s so confused, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. “We’re… we’re done for today.”

Utterly confused and now crashing back down to reality, Ryeowook turns around to lie on his back so he can look at Jongwoon, who’s looking increasingly terrified, which causes him to start feeling unsafe too. Oh no. Did he do something wrong ? Is Jongwoon disappointed in him ? Why is he putting a stop to it ?

“No, please,” Ryeowook begs. “Please, I want to keep going— I need—”

“_Ryeowook_,” Jongwoon calls out. The use of his name freezes the boy in place instantly. Jongwoon _ never _ uses his name. Not when he’s talking to him.

He can’t explain what’s so threatening about it, but his breathing picks up as his brain keeps sending him signals that he’s in danger somehow, but not because of Jongwoon himself. He doesn’t know where the threat is, though, and it just makes things worse for him.

“I’m calling red,” Jongwoon adds, a serious expression plastered on his face, replacing the terror from earlier.

His eyes, however, bespeak of just how upset and tormented he is on the inside, on the verge of tears, and this is when Ryeowook breaks down out of nowhere, throwing his ability to think rationally out the window.

“Oh no,” Jongwoon blurts out, unable to hide his panic as he’s quick to hold the boy in his arms, lifting him up so he can sit between his legs and allowing the man to wrap his body around him. “No, no, no, baby, please don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

Ryeowook is so lost and overcome with guilt that his entire body refuses to move, and he’s so limp and numb that he offers no resistance when Jongwoon cradles him into his arms to hold him as close to him as possible. He’s dropping, but it seems the man is the only one who’s currently aware of it. And this time, it’s his fault—he knows he did everything right, that he stopped the minute he felt something was wrong, and went against Ryeowook’s wishes because he just knew it wouldn’t end well, but he noticed too late. He should’ve known. He should’ve known this was a terrible idea.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Ryeowook begs through his sobs.

Jongwoon cracks up then, unable to bear it any longer. His biggest fear has just come to life—he hurt his baby, for real this time, and he starts to shake as he tightens his grip around the boy.

“I’m not mad at you,” Jongwoon assures, struggling to speak through his uncontrollable hiccuping. Ryeowook shouldn’t be seeing him like this—how is he supposed to reassure him when he himself is an emotional wreck ? “I’m just… terrified that I hurt you. But I’m not mad at you. Never. Please don’t think that.”

Jongwoon is trembling so fucking much that he’s unsure if Ryeowook is too or if it’s just an echo of his own shivers passing through the boy’s body. He can’t figure out why Ryeowook hasn’t called his safeword and kept insisting that they keep going even if he clearly wasn’t okay—if he’s breaking down now, it means his drop started sometime around his haunting intuition screamed at him to stop; if he’d stopped earlier, everything could’ve been avoided. He put too much faith into the boy, thinking he was ready for something like this when he clearly wasn’t. He should know to call the safeword when he needs to—he did once before and that was for something much less intense than this, so why did he tell him to keep going instead ?

Did he feel pressured to ? Was it something Jongwoon said ?

“Why did you tell me to keep going..?” Jongwoon croaks, choking on his own cries. He doesn’t mean to put the blame on him, but he needs to know. For his, but also for Ryeowook’s sake; so that he can try to make amends for it.

“... because I deserved it,” Ryeowook sniffles. ‘It’ is vague enough to leave it to interpretation, but if he’s learned anything from Hyukjae, it’s that he most likely means that he _ deserved to get hurt_, and this is something Jongwoon absolutely cannot stand.

“No, no, no, please don’t—” Fuck. He’s hurting so fucking much it’s hard to speak. “Please don’t say that. No matter what you think you did… _ I’m begging you. _”

Jongwoon wishes he could look Ryeowook in the eye right now, but he doesn’t have the courage to. He’s too hurt, too scared, too close to breaking in a million tiny pieces to show it to him, even if he’s been crying almost this entire time and Ryeowook can already tell that he’s in pain and two seconds away from being torn apart by his own guilt. Instead, he rests his chin onto the boy’s shoulder, making sure there’s no space for air between them, and attempts to take a deep breath, though it results in absolute failure. It hurts too much to breathe.

“Please don’t let me hurt you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... okay. Maybe this time I am sorry


	19. Crash And Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter was a fucking mess to write and it took me much longer to write than it should have and I wanted to thank [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) (as always), [Ale](http://twitter.com/Hotaruale), [Aleeza](http://twitter.com/teargrants11), [Lauren](http://twitter.com/pinguinokyu) and my boyfriend for helping me write this thing and putting up with me screaming my ideas at them to ask if they made sense, I don't deserve you guys, ahah
> 
> Also, a special shoutout to all my baguette oomfs on twitter (y'all know who you are) for being DISTRACTING AS HELL and slowing down the writing process, I love you all so much ♡
> 
> By the way, Chapter 20 might take longer to get out because I'll be writing Kyuhyun's bonus chapter first since it fits between Chapter 19 and 20, so if you like Playtime Kyuhyun, you can look forward to seeing him and his not-girlfriend totally not simping for each other ahahah
> 
> Update : It's out ! [You can read it here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937342) !
> 
> I know I wanted to say more things but I'm currently brain dead so I'm just gonna say good luck because this chapter is as thick as Jongwoon's dick and also [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) where you'll see me cry because people think my jokes are real (yes, Ryeowook is 134 cm tall and if you hit the gas and brakes at the same time your car takes a screenshot, wHAT DO YOU MEAN)

It doesn’t come as a surprise to Jongwoon when he can’t find the peace of mind to fall asleep that night.

Thankfully, Ryeowook _ has_, and that’s the one thing Jongwoon can find comfort in amongst the mess going on in his head. The boy hadn’t been able to fight back his exhaustion and ended up passing out in his arms—he was also the one who managed to calm down first, even if in appearance it seemed like Jongwoon did. In reality, he’d just been able to stop the tears from falling, but his turmoil kept haunting his mind and still does now, over four hours later; hours which he’s spent the majority of staring aimlessly at the ceiling and trying his best to focus his attention on Ryeowook’s breathing.

This used to be a calming thing for him, but right now, Ryeowook’s presence only seems to worsen and amplify this deep, almost encrusted emptiness left behind by intense regret, but mostly _ fear_; fear that history is repeating itself, because Ryeowook’s just ‘pulled a Hyukjae’ on him—this is the only way he could describe it. And it seems, even after all this time, even after making up with Hyukjae and walking on the path of reconciliation with his past, his brain was still very much wired to put the blame on himself. It made sense to him, too. Ryeowook’s never done something like this before, not even a tiny bit similar, not by a long shot; Jongwoon’s silence and secrecy was most likely the cause of this, though he doesn’t understand why it would push the boy to believe _ he _ was the one who deserved to be punished for it.

In any case, he should’ve known better than to engage in this sort of play when Ryeowook’s just gone—and is still going—through a very traumatic experience. He’s just been so blinded by his hard-held belief that his baby was the polar opposite of Hyukjae in any way that the idea that he’d ever use him like that never once crossed his mind. Especially not after how he acted with him all day. He just seemed extremely needy for attention.

Jongwoon had put too much faith in the warning he gave him some time ago, when Ryeowook was still very new to this—that this sort of play couldn’t be indulged in if you aren’t in the right state of mind to do so, but he doesn’t want to blame Ryeowook for being so forgetful. _ He _ was the one who gave the warning. _ He _ should’ve known better. He doesn’t know why he didn’t see it coming earlier than he did.

Using the side of his palm to rub the tears he’s still got left to cry before they leave his eyes, Jongwoon realizes that he’s still trembling, _ heavily_. His body has felt so numb this entire time that he couldn’t even feel his own heartbeat or the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed; but now that he’s aware of it again, his attempts at remaining calm enough not to break down once more are thrown out the window, and he’s no longer able to fight back against the storm raging on inside of him.

The alarm that rings in his head then isn’t completely unfamiliar to him, as unfortunate as it is, and it leaves him with two choices—either he leaves Ryeowook on his own, which only serves to increase his nausea and leaves an extremely unpleasant bitter taste on his tongue, or run the risk of waking him up because he’s about to panic and the thought of forcing the boy to deal with it really doesn’t sit well with him. But time is working against him, so his decision to go with the latter ends up rushed and not exactly thought through.

He’s barely able to make it to the balcony before the worst of it hits him—he’s already gasping for air as he takes a hold of the safeguard, his only way to avoid collapsing on the ground, but now his breathing is erratic, jagged, and burns his lungs so much that he’s left wheezing and coughing, though they don’t escape his throat and cause an almost terrifying guttural sound to escape him instead. He has to use his arms to support himself, letting the metal bar painfully dig into his armpits as he lumps over it to stare at the ground five floors below, but his perception is so fucked that he might as well be standing on the rooftop for all he knows. He doesn’t know if it’s the lack of air or his acrophobia that make him feel this dizzy, but his surroundings are spinning so fast that it gives him a headache, and he ends up losing his balance and thus forced to give in and sit on the hard cement floor, closing his eyes to avoid making things worse for him than they already are.

For the first time since Ryeowook came into his life, being left alone to deal with this pain is more helpful than the boy’s presence, and that realization is downright horrifying to Jongwoon, because it shouldn’t be this way.

He doesn’t want him to leave, though. That would probably make things worse for him—he wouldn’t have a way to check if he truly is okay if he were far away, and he needs to be there for him. For _ his baby_, which he still considers Ryeowook to be. He always will, no matter what happens, even if it’s beyond fixing.

“Fuck…” Jongwoon pants, rubbing at his face with a shaky hand.

Jongwoon is torn between his fear that Ryeowook will hide the truth from him if he _ is _ hurt just to please him, which might cause this to happen again—the thought of that seriously chills him to the bone—and the pain that he can feel eating him from the inside triggered by the memories of Hyukjae doing the same thing to him for almost three years. To coerce and trick him into harming him for his own personal gain, while he completely disregarded the fact that it always led to Jongwoon feeling like shit as well as an absolute failure for breaking his promise as his dominant to do what’s best for him.

Jongwoon isn’t an abusive person. He doesn’t want to be. But he can’t help feeling like that whenever things go wrong, because it’s his responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen. And it’s even worse with Ryeowook, who’s still so new to this, because it means he’s also failed at making him feel secure _ emotionally_, too. Feeling safe isn’t just a physical thing. Ryeowook doubts him, and it hurts to know that. And that means Jongwoon is no longer sure he can trust Ryeowook completely either, because the boy is clearly hiding things from him that he _ should _ know, and he isn’t entirely confident that he’ll tell him the truth if he asks him what happened and what’s going on with him.

He needs those answers, though. So, _ so _ badly. For his own sake, mostly, though it would benefit Ryeowook too if Jongwoon managed to wash away and kill the seeds of doubt that were planted in the boy’s brain. He _ needs _ to know why Ryeowook did what he did to make sure the boy is okay, and will be okay—if he holds him accountable at all, and if so, if he’ll forgive him, because Jongwoon doesn’t think he can live a lie like he has so many times before. He’s been left too scarred from his previous experiences to be able to handle another one, and that he knows for sure.

But he doesn’t know how to do that if he can’t trust the boy to tell him the truth.

Now that he’s managed to calm down, at least as much as he can given the circumstances, Jongwoon is left pondering over his problem for longer than he should have, and it seems to have completely clouded his judgement because the next thing he knows, he’s walking back inside to grab his phone that he left on the coffee table in the living room, though he has to prop himself up on the walls to do so. His legs have grown completely limp and apparently lost their strength too, and he has to do the same thing when he goes back outside to sit on one of the outdoor chairs.

Jongwoon spends the next fifteen minutes pointlessly staring at his unlit phone in his hands. This is a terrible idea, and he’s aware of it. He tries to gather the strength to give up on it and just go back to bed before Ryeowook realizes that he’s gone, but his impulse is much too powerful and he’s too weak and tired to fight it back for very long. He doesn’t have a clear head either, because he’s about to make a call at one in the morning without sending a text first to at least know if the other is up or busy, but he has a feeling he’s still awake.

Hyukjae was never the type to go to sleep early, and he doubts it’s something that’s changed since they were together.

Jongwoon’s stomach quickly fills up with regret the second he hears the first ring, however, because he really feels like he’s making a mistake and going behind Ryeowook’s back. He wants to hang up, and he almost does so—until he remembers that Hyukjae will still be able to know he called, and he doesn’t want to run the risk of him returning it with Ryeowook closeby. He’s aware that it’s such a shitty thing to do and he’s going to feel guilty about it for a long time, but it’s too late to turn back now.

“Jongwoon ?” Hyukjae picks up on the second ring, sounding a little concerned but not like he was just woken up by the call.

Jongwoon stays silent for an awkwardly long amount of time, to the point where Hyukjae would’ve honestly considered the idea that he may have hung up on him if it weren’t for Jongwoon’s rapid breathing on the other end of the line. It’s barely audible, but Hyukjae’s still able to catch it, and that’s all he needs to know that something is wrong here.

Well, aside from Jongwoon calling him in the middle of the night in the first place, because he doesn’t know what else could’ve triggered him to make such a decision.

“I— Am I bothering you ?” Jongwoon manages to stutter eventually. He’s shaking again, and his heart is pumping so violently against his ribcage that he wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up having a heart attack before the end of the call.

“No, don’t worry,” Hyukjae assures. “I was actually kind of bored, if that helps. I’m just confused as to why you’re calling me. Wait, you’re not drunk, are you ?”

“I wish,” Jongwoon sighs. “But no. I, hum… I don’t really know why I called you, to be honest. I mean, I do, but—”

“Did something happen ?” Hyukjae guesses. It’s not like Jongwoon to be so unsure of himself.

Jongwoon exhales loudly, breath uneven. It’s enough of an answer. He knows.

“How bad is it ?” Hyukjae questions. The only thing he has no idea about is what exactly Jongwoon’s problem is, and he knows the man won’t necessarily give him any details just because he _ asked_. Jongwoon functions at his own pace. Being with him for as long as he did taught him how to work his way around it.

“I don’t… _ know_, actually,” Jongwoon admits. “That’s why I called. You’re the only person I know who has a chance at understanding why he did what he did.”

“Ryeowook ?” Hyukjae checks. ‘He’ isn’t exactly helpful information.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon confirms. “He, huh— God, I don’t even know how to explain it.”

Jongwoon has some reservations about opening up too much, as anyone would—opening up about your relationship problems to your ex definitely feels awkward as hell, uncomfortable at best. He feels like he isn’t respecting Ryeowook’s privacy talking about it, too. This call is just a source of so much guilt and regret that he wishes he could go back in time and slap the Jongwoon from ten minutes ago to prevent him from being a fucking dumbass and throw his phone into the street.

“Whatever issue you have, it can’t be worse than the ones we went through,” Hyukjae chuckles nervously, hoping to clear the air at least a little.

“Probably not,” Jongwoon relents. “It’s just that… we’ve been under a lot of stress and pressure lately from our own personal lives, and it caused things to… get a little rocky, I guess. We managed to talk it out, or at least I thought so, until I realized that he’s been hiding things from me in a… very unpleasant way. And it reminded me of what you’d do sometimes when you got really upset.”

“_Oh_,” Hyukjae responds, suddenly coming to a conclusion in regards to what happened between them.

And fuck, he feels terrible for Jongwoon now, because he _ knows _ and had the misfortune to witness what it does to him. His heart breaks when he remembers the person he used to be and how he’d completely disregard Jongwoon’s mental well-being and pull this type of shit over and over again out of complete selfishness.

“He ended up getting hurt, didn’t he ?” Hyukjae guesses, knowing Jongwoon won’t be able to bring himself to say it out loud.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon confesses, a sniffle coming right after. Shit. He’s on the verge of crying again. He fucking hates knowing Ryeowook’s been hurt and the fact that it’s his fault completely devastates him. “And he said he deserved it,” Jongwoon manages to push out.

His vision is so blurry from the tears welling up in his eyes that he can barely make up the shape of his thighs when he looks down in shame—not because he’s admitting it, but for failing Ryeowook where it mattered the most. He can’t stand it. He can’t stand his own existence.

“And I just—” Jongwoon quietly sobs, feeling a few droplets fall onto his thighs. It almost hurts just to try to keep enough composure to form audible and coherent sentences rather than a stream of incomprehensible blabber amidst his cries. “He purposely fooled me into believing he was fine before we did anything. Nothing tells me he won’t do it again if I ask him what’s going on.”

“I get why you called me now,” Hyukjae empathizes. It tears him apart to know Jongwoon is so fucked up from what he did to him still, but he knows he sadly can’t change the past; trying to offer his help is the least he could do to make amends.

“I just want to know if he’ll be okay,” Jongwoon blurts out. He sounds like he’s pleading.

“He thinks he deserved it, doesn’t he ?” Hyukjae repeats. Jongwoon hums in confirmation. “As long as he thinks that, he shouldn’t hold it against you.”

“I don’t want him to think that,” Jongwoon contests, but he’s too exhausted to sound irked or angry.

“I’m not saying it’s a good thing,” Hyukjae corrects. “But it’s a start. That means he’ll be easier to talk to, since you’ll be able to skip the apology part.”

“What should I even say to him ?” Jongwoon inquires, desperate. “I tried everything. I practically begged him not to let me hurt him no matter what he thought he did. I apologized to him and told him I wasn’t mad or upset at him—what more could I do ?”

“Tell him the truth ?” Hyukjae suggests. “You _ are _ upset by what he did. Chances are, he can tell. Don’t make the same mistake you did with me, or, well, what I basically forced you to do. Hold him accountable for it. If you take all the blame and convince him that it’s your fault entirely, you might accidentally enable him to do it again.”

“I don’t want to guilt-trip him,” Jongwoon defends. “He’s already hurt. I don’t want to make things worse.”

“You don’t have to tell him it’s all his fault and make him feel like he has to make up for it somehow,” Hyukjae explains. “Just… have a talk with him. Explain to him why doing what he did was wrong. Let him know you’re upset. Make him promise not to do it again after you make sure he understands that you forgive him. If he’s truly sorry, he won’t repeat that same mistake. If he does… then break up with him. I already fucked you up enough. You deserve better than that, even if you don’t think you do.”

“Hyukjae—”

“I’m serious, Jongwoon,” Hyukjae cuts off. “I know I already told you that and I know it’ll take more than that to undo what I’ve done, but I never meant anything I said to you. You’re a good man. Just the fact that you put up with my bullshit because you always put me first is enough proof of that. So, talk to him. He probably needs that conversation as much as you do.”

“I’ll try,” Jongwoon vows, wiping away the last of his tears for the billionth time tonight. “I can’t believe I’m saying that, but… thank you.”

“Anytime,” Hyukjae chuckles. “I at least owe that to you.”

It’s honestly still so fucking strange to see Hyukjae act like that. He genuinely feels like a completely different person than the one Jongwoon knew, and it almost feels like a fever dream at this point. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it—not that he necessarily plans on seeing him again, but part of him is glad he never got around to blocking his number. He _ will _ still do it if Ryeowook asks, because it’s his relationship with him that matters the most, but now it’ll be with a slightly heavier heart than he would’ve before. His guilt never left, though he doesn’t think that it’s something he can help, but he does feel a little better knowing Ryeowook will be okay in the end.

Speaking of which, Jongwoon thinks he’s left him on his own for a long time, and now that he believes things have settled down enough for him to not panic again, he decides that it’s probably time to cut it short and join him again.

“I think I’ll let you go back to your boredom now,” Jongwoon jokes. He sucks at goodbyes, especially after heavy moments like this.

“_Rude_, but I get it,” Hyukjae quips. “In any case, though, I’m glad you called.”

“To be honest, I thought I’d regret it,” Jongwoon confesses. “Not so much anymore.”

“That’s also nice to hear,” Hyukjae laughs. “Good night, Jongwoon.”

“Good night,” Jongwoon repeats before hanging up.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Jongwoon bends forward, using his forearms to support himself on his thighs, and closes his eyes—he’s trying to empty out his mind before he goes back to bed with Ryeowook, because he still feels anxious about it. As far as he knows, the boy is still fast asleep and won’t realize he was even gone in the first place, but he’s still sniffling and the noise coupled with the bed moving under his weight might end up waking him up and Jongwoon doesn’t want to have to explain why he went outside just to cry in the middle of the night.

Breathing deep, Jongwoon gathers the strength to stand up about a minute later, now feeling calm enough to go back to bed and hopefully get some sleep, though he doubts he’ll be able to. Hyukjae’s words to him will most likely be plaguing his mind and he’ll spend the entire time planning how he’s going to bring this up with his boyfriend in the morning; as strange as it sounds to him now, Hyukjae honestly made a solid point and he wants to follow his advice. At least he’ll be there to give Ryeowook some comfort if need be, and he reckons that’s the most important part in all of this.

“Daddy..?” a small voice calls out to him, still drowsy from sleep, as Jongwoon slides the glass door closed behind him.

The man gasps in surprise and tumbles backwards into the door, really spooked by Ryeowook’s sudden appearance—he couldn’t see the boy as he stood in the shadows, and still can’t really see him now even if he knows he’s there, so it was really unexpected and Jongwoon thinks, for a moment, that he might have a heart attack.

“Jesus Chri—” Jongwoon curses under his panting, clutching his heart to check if it was still beating. “Shit, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” Ryeowook apologizes before taking a few hesitant steps toward the man.

“It’s okay, I just… it took me by surprise, that’s all,” Jongwoon reassures him. “What are you doing here ?”

“I woke up and you weren’t there,” Ryeowook pouts, audibly upset.

God, Jongwoon feels terrible for leaving him on his own now; the boy clearly was in a very vulnerable state, seemingly still heavily under the influence of subspace—the fact that he called him ‘daddy’ just then was a dead giveaway, too—and he can’t imagine what he must felt when he realized he was no longer there beside him. It was the best decision to take however, in hindsight, because there’s absolutely no way Ryeowook would’ve been able to deal with his panic attack from earlier with the way he is now.

“Aw, sweetheart,” Jongwoon desperately exhales as he reaches out for the boy to take him in his arms. Ryeowook immediately melts into his embrace, returning the hug, and he lets out a contented sigh when Jongwoon leaves a kiss at the top of his forehead. “I’m sorry I worried you. Are you okay ?”

Ryeowook nods slowly. He’s already falling asleep again, the warmth of Jongwoon’s body and the man’s subtle rocking movements gently lulling him back to sleep. Thanks to his conversation with Hyukjae, the man no longer gets that feeling of pure panic he experienced earlier while he laid in bed with him, though his heart still hurts a little because there’s nothing he can do to undo what happened yesterday.

“Who were you talking to just then ?” Ryeowook questions to Jongwoon’s total dismay—fuck, this was just the thing he did _ not _ want to be interrogated about.

“I, huh…” Jongwoon scrambles. He’s a terrible liar. “It was… a friend.”

Jongwoon is technically telling the truth, though ‘friend’ might be an exaggeration when it comes to Hyukjae. They’re on friendly terms, sure, but Jongwoon can only see the potential for a friendship blooming between them _ far _ down the line, assuming they keep in touch in the first place. However, despite that, he couldn’t hide his struggle to come up with an answer very well and he knows the boy picked up on that, if the way he tenses up in his arms is anything to go by.

Ryeowook hesitates to ask for more information for a moment, because he knows by now that if he goes too far with his questions, Jongwoon might close himself off and try to change the subject—in this case, he’ll probably suggest that they go back to bed and talk in the morning, which in the man’s terms almost always means _ never_.

“You were crying,” Ryeowook asserts, frowning, when he remembers catching Jongwoon wiping tears away as he spoke over the phone to whoever this _ friend _ was right as he entered the living room and spotted him sitting on one of the balcony chairs.

Now it’s Jongwoon’s turn to tense up.

“Why were you crying ?” Ryeowook presses, voice quavering a little. He knows, or at least has a good idea of what could’ve gotten his boyfriend so upset, but he needs to hear it from him. He doesn’t have high hopes for an answer, but it’s at least worth a try, he thinks.

“I—” Jongwoon begins, but his words get caught in his throat as he tries to form a coherent sentence that wouldn’t sound like he’s scolding the boy or attempting to make him feel like he has to take the blame for everything that happened between them. “I think it’s better if we have this discussion in bed.”

Ryeowook is honestly surprised for a moment that Jongwoon agreed so easily to talk to him; it really isn’t his type to open up so willingly. He’s aware that the man has a huge problem with showing vulnerability, so of course Ryeowook is going to take that opportunity and accept Jongwoon’s terms.

“Okay,” Ryeowook acquiesces, still sounding half-asleep—and also a little bit like a child who’s just woken up from a nightmare, which Jongwoon doesn’t know whether to coo or be worried about.

Whatever it is, Jongwoon decides to stay silent for now as he leads them back to his bedroom, an arm very loosely draped around Ryeowook’s waist as he guides the boy forward, who doesn’t offer any resistance whatsoever. The air around them feels a little thicker than it had moments before, but it’s still negligible enough of a difference for it not to tip toward the awkward side of things, which they’re both thankful for.

Jongwoon doesn’t let Ryeowook walk up to his side of the bed when they get there and instead chooses to make the boy straddle his lap as he rests his back against the headboard, turning his lamp on as he sits up to make it more convenient for them to look each other eye-to-eye. Jongwoon still has no fucking clue how to even bring up this subject with his boyfriend, but he knows it’s now or never—Ryeowook seems receptive, and either way, whether it happens now, tomorrow or in two weeks won’t change the fact that the boy might still end up being upset about it. Waiting might make things worse, too.

“I—” Jongwoon stutters again before letting out a disappointed sigh at himself and how cowardly he’s acting at the moment.

He closes his eyes then, taking a deep breath in, and looks at Ryeowook once more, giving him a fond smile and running a hand through his hair to reassure him that everything will be okay in the end, no matter what comes out of this conversation.

“Before I say anything, I want you to know that daddy isn’t mad at you, okay ?” Jongwoon promises him, trying his best to speak as softly and calmly as possible to avoid sounding accusatory.

And he thinks keeping Ryeowook in subspace might make the boy more receptive, since all he’ll need to know to console him in case it turns sour is to hold and litter his face with kisses.

“I was crying because I was scared,” Jongwoon admits.

“Is it because you thought you hurt me ?” Ryeowook guesses. He’d been out of it throughout most of his subdrop and the aftermath of it, but he remembers Jongwoon telling him something about not letting him hurt him.

Jongwoon nods in confirmation. “And… the fact that you allowed me to do it worries me. You said it’s because you deserved it. But… no matter what you think you did, you don’t deserve to get injured for it. When I punish you for being a brat… it’s different, because we’re both getting something out of it, aren’t we ? The pain you’re supposed to feel when I go rough on you should still be pleasurable. If you don’t enjoy it but let me do it anyway, whether it’s because you feel pressured to please me or any other reason… it’s wrong. Do you understand what I’m trying to say ?”

While he waits for Ryeowook to answer, Jongwoon keeps the boy locked in place right up against him with an arm around his lower back, so close that he’s sitting straight on his crotch, and uses his other hand to caress his hip and upper thigh, hoping to hammer down in the boy’s head that he really isn’t mad at him and won’t push him away for making a mistake.

“This is why I always ask for your opinion whenever we do something,” Jongwoon adds when Ryeowook keeps staring at him in silence. “Why I check up on you and ask about the safeword. I want to know that you’re still enjoying it. I don’t…” He’s forced to pause for a moment when his voice cracks a little—he can’t be crying again. “... _ want _ to hurt you. You know that, right ?”

Ryeowook nods. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to reply to that—of course he knows that Jongwoon isn’t doing all of that to hurt him. He thinks he understands now where the man is coming from, too, with the information he’s just added to clear up some of the things he was still a bit confused about. _ Consent _ is what draws the line between play and abusive behaviour. Ryeowook really should’ve known better; he’s aware now that he was extremely lucky that Jongwoon realized what was going on before things got too far. He’s certain that not everyone would’ve been able to, and if he has to be honest with himself, _ he _ also didn’t entirely see it coming either. He hadn’t noticed he was dropping before he started crying in Jongwoon’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook apologetically sighs as he leans over to cling onto Jongwoon’s shoulders, holding him tight and burying his face into the crook of his neck.

Jongwoon returning his embrace without hesitation, the caresses on his back and the kiss the man leaves on his temple are what prevent him from tearing up again. Ryeowook _ is _ feeling incredibly remorseful, but the fact that his boyfriend isn’t disgusted with him or pushing him away is enough to put him at ease and give him hope that everything will be okay in the end, and that’s what matters for now. Jongwoon is, or at least will be okay.

“I know you are, sweetheart,” Jongwoon whispers, mirroring Ryeowook’s actions by burying his nose into his neck, planting another kiss on the skin. “Just… don’t do that again, okay ?”

“I won’t,” Ryeowook swears. “I promise I won’t do that again.”

“There’s my good little boy again,” Jongwoon praises. He feels Ryeowook go limp into his arms then, the nickname bringing him so much comfort once it settles into his brain that he can finally allow himself to relax.

He’s still daddy’s good little boy despite it all. It makes him incredibly happy.

Honestly, Ryeowook—and Jongwoon, too—is so glad that this situation doesn’t appear to have changed much about that total power exchange dynamic they’ve agreed on trying out the other day. He never would’ve thought he’d be so much into it, especially from an emotional standpoint. He’s convinced this is the reason Jongwoon didn’t, _ couldn’t _ get mad at him, and how he managed to scold him—rightfully so, and Ryeowook acknowledges that—without leaving him with this immense feeling of blame and liability he would’ve otherwise been burdened with, but it’s not all for selfish reasons. He honestly believes this prevented Jongwoon for worsening his guilt in hindsight if he actually got mad at him; if he knows anything about his boyfriend by now, it’s that he’s been conditioned to put the blame on himself first, and Ryeowook knows Jongwoon would’ve regretted it if he ended up snapping at him because he couldn’t manage to keep his calm.

Ryeowook vaguely remembers Sungmin asking him about it and if it was what he and Jongwoon were sharing, and the boy had foolishly claimed _ it was _ because he didn’t know any better; had he been aware and understood the ramifications of such a thing by inquiring more information from his friend about what it meant, he would’ve asked Jongwoon about it much sooner. He was initially very apprehensive about surrendering all control and even part of his own will at first, as would anybody in this situation, but seeing how easily Jongwoon managed to persuade him that he forgave him just because _ he told him so_, he doesn’t even know what he’d been so scared about in the first place.

This is… _ so nice_, he thinks.

Ryeowook only notices that he’s been falling asleep, tucked in by Jongwoon’s warmth and the slow rocking motions the man had developed a habit of making whenever he attempted to put him at ease and calm him down, when the vibrations caused by his boyfriend’s low chuckling send chills down his spine and unsurprisingly right to his cock. Ryeowook is usually able to ignore the tingle in his crotch in similar situations, only growing needy when Jongwoon teases him about it, whether it be by words or physical contact, but for whatever reason, this time, he gets this deep, almost unbearable need for the man to touch him and make him cum.

However, strangely, it’s not the same feeling as he usually experiences when he gets like this; he doesn’t want Jongwoon to fuck him senseless or be rough with him. Just keeping him like he is now, seated in his lap where he can feel the shape and every line of his boyfriend’s cock against his ass, still completely soft yet big enough to fool anyone into believing he was growing hard too, and palming him through his underwear would suffice plenty. Ryeowook honestly wants to curse his fucked up libido, which he largely blames Jongwoon for even if he’s always been quite needy since he got into college, but there’s a little voice at the back of his head that tells him his current arousal is almost entirely motivated by something other than a physical need.

He can’t put his finger on it at the moment, though, as he’s too focused on trying to will his growing erection away before Jongwoon notices—he doesn’t want his boyfriend to believe he’s getting hard from _ actually _ being scolded, because that’s really what it looks like right now. Unfortunately for him, the fact that his body is completely pressed against the man’s doesn’t play in his favour at all, and he surprises himself almost wishing his dick was even smaller than it is now so that he could get away with it in those situations, which he often finds himself in, sometimes to his dismay.

Ryeowook can tell the exact moment Jongwoon feels it against his lower belly, the thin fabric of their underwear doing a _ very _ poor job at offering any protection. The man doesn’t say anything, doesn’t smirk against his skin, doesn’t chuckle or start sucking a hickey onto the side of his neck, but the way he slowly drags his hands down his back to place them at his hips, _ under his shirt_, and circles his thumbs around his hip bones peaking over the waistband of his boxer-briefs has _ not-so-innocent _ intentions written all over it.

Ryeowook doesn’t have anything against Jongwoon wanting to indulge and cater to his needs, not by a long shot. He just wishes the man wasn’t able to read him so goddamn easily—it sometimes feels like he’s living in his head, and it’s not fair.

“Daddy, I—” Ryeowook breathes out a whine, which comes out much needier than he intended to. Dammit.

“I know, baby,” Jongwoon shushes him softly as he lightly starts rubbing his cheek against Ryeowook’s, sort of like a cat bunting heads with another to show affection. The boy doesn’t know why, but this simple gesture is extremely endearing to him, and he’s left wishing Jongwoon would do that more often. “I know you can’t help it.”

How Jongwoon knows _ that _ exactly remains a complete mystery to Ryeowook, who can only guess that it must be a submissive thing that his boyfriend is aware can happen—Jongwoon knows a lot more about being a submissive than he does. Though he memory of it is extremely blurry, it reminds him of the first time he ended up dropping, when Jongwoon was drying him off after taking a bath together the day he called him to pick him up from college in panic because of Zhoumi; he’d ended up cumming completely untouched while his boyfriend was holding him and without even realizing he did, so he supposes that it must have something to do with that, though he can’t be entirely sure about that.

For a bit, Jongwoon keeps his hands on his hips, still drawing little circles with his thumbs, and he nuzzles into his sweet spot below his ear, occasionally leaving feather-like kisses on his burning skin. Ryeowook doesn’t get why Jongwoon, who’s clearly led him on to believe he’d give him what he wants, is taking his time as though he has no clue what’s going on, at least not right away, because the man is usually so quick to tease and rile him up even more just to spite him. It makes him grow restless, but he stays still, only hanging onto Jongwoon even tighter when his boyfriend ever-so slightly-nibbles on his skin, fingers lightly digging into his shoulders, somehow and surprisingly not in the mood to defy the man and try to speed things up.

“Do you want daddy to touch you ?” Jongwoon asks as he pulls away to look at the boy, and he weirdly—mostly in a good way—sounds caring and fond rather than teasing and seductive. “Or do you think you can hold on until tomorrow ?”

Ryeowook is quick to shake his head at that last one. He knows it’s late, now probably around three in the morning, but the tingle in his cock and the coil in his stomach threatening to snap at any moment is much too intense for him to just ignore and go to sleep. He would normally be much more compliant if Jongwoon insisted, but this time, he really can’t. Fuck, he’s already so hard, and he can feel a wet patch forming onto his electric blue boxer-briefs from the ridiculous amount of precum leaking from the tip.

Yeah, Ryeowook really has no idea what the fuck’s gotten into him, but he’s too needy now to question it.

“Please,” Ryeowook pleads, voice barely above a whisper.

“Please what, baby boy ?” Jongwoon inquires. He still doesn’t sound like he’s toying with Ryeowook at all—he genuinely wants to hear it from the boy. To hear that he needs his hands on him, that he wants him, _ loud and clear_.

“Please touch me,” Ryeowook confirms, trying his best to sound confident and certain of his answer instead of whiny and desperate.

Jongwoon gives him a fond little smile as he pulls him into a kiss. He intends for it to stay on the softer side of things, one hand threading through Ryeowook’s hair at the back of his head, but the second he lays his other hand on the boy’s crotch over the fabric, feeling how wet it is by rubbing the patch with his thumb, Ryeowook deepens it and allows Jongwoon’s tongue to enter his mouth. It’s still slow for the most part, but the sloppiness of it really makes the balance tip over to the filthier side rather than innocent fun. Neither of them are complaining for now, though.

Ryeowook moans into the kiss, loud and deep, almost like he’s in pain, and he might as well be because Jongwoon’s slow rubbing of his cock over his underwear is miles away from what he needs and it’s worse that he doesn’t have the strength to buck his hips into his hand, and not just in a physical sense. He _ wants _ Jongwoon to do all the work and he’s willing to go with whatever as long as he touches him, but this is torture.

What he’s feeling right now is a little unsettling, if he’s honest. Confusing, too. It really isn’t like him to act this way, but then again, he hasn’t been acting much like himself in general in the past few days.

His breathing turns heavier and more unstable after a while as both he and Jongwoon refuse to break away from the kiss, and he has to swallow back yet another moan when the man flattens his hand over his crotch, this time putting some pressure onto it as he palms his cock through his underwear still. This is more like it—he’d much rather get skin-to-skin contact, but this is good too, much better than just a phantom touch ghosting over his bulge.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook whimpers weakly against Jongwoon’s mouth. Fuck, he’s so needy he thinks he could cry. He certainly feels the tears coming, but they’re still far back enough that they don’t well up in his eyes just yet.

“Be patient, kitten,” Jongwoon hushes as he momentarily stops the kiss, taking Ryeowook’s bottom lip between his teeth as he flicks his thumb over the tip of the boy’s cock. “Daddy just wants to enjoy this little moment with you. And you’re being so, so obedient right now…” the man continues, trailing his lips down Ryeowook’s chin and under his jaw, tracing the jawline then running back down again, stopping at his jugular to suck a hickey there.

Having successfully distracted the boy with his lips and tongue, Jongwoon uses that opportunity to pull Ryeowook’s cock out over the waistband of his boxers, not bothering to pull them down and instead letting the elastic push up against the spot behind his boyfriend’s balls. Ryeowook audibly gasps when Jongwoon’s hand wraps around his cock, choking on a moan—somehow this makes Jongwoon feel warm inside, feeling much more affectionate than horny at the moment. What he’s doing right now is entirely for his baby because he knows he’s really, _ really _ needy at the moment, and he would’ve felt terrible shutting him off and telling him to go to sleep instead. With everything that happened, it’s too much of a risk of causing him to drop again, and he’d rather avoid that if he can.

Not that he minds at all. He’s completely enamoured with the little sounds Ryeowook keeps making the more he touches him, and he’ll take any excuse to have his hands and lips on him, horny or not. So Jongwoon takes his time, paying special attention to the tip and the little bundle of nerves right under it, slowly making Ryeowook’s impending climax build up as he laps at the freshly formed bruise on his neck which will now mark him as _ his _ for the next few days.

Resting his forehead on Ryeowook’s shoulder, Jongwoon stares at his boyfriend’s cock in his hand, and smiles to himself. They may have had some hiccups lately and he’s gotten to see a less idealistic side of him as a result, but Jongwoon still thinks, deep down, that his baby is perfect in his own way. Everyone makes mistakes once in a while and things don’t always go the way it was planned, so despite the fact that Jongwoon is still very much shaken and a little hurt about the way Ryeowook’s been treating him lately, moments of intimacy such as these help close off the wounds tremendously.

And he still loves him just the same.

“Daddy, I’m gonna—” Ryeowook blurts out suddenly, bringing Jongwoon out of his thoughts.

“Go ahead, angel,” Jongwoon allows immediately, lifting his head up to press his lips against his forehead. “Cum.”

Ryeowook buries his face into Jongwoon’s neck as his climax hits him, cock twitching and spurting out strings of white all over the man’s hand and shirt as well as his own. Jongwoon continues to touch him throughout, smearing cum all around the tip as more keeps shooting out, using his other hand to pet Ryeowook’s hair at the back of his head to keep him afloat while he’s cumming. His little cock is twitching hard into his grip, which Jongwoon honestly loves to feel and see—it’s so beautiful to him.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon murmurs, leaving a quick peck on his ear.

Ryeowook cuddles up to him tighter, closer, wrapping his legs around Jongwoon’s waist as though he were scared that he’d run away if he could so much as move an inch. The man has nothing to oppose there, if not the fact that he can’t go grab a cloth to clean up the mess sticking to his hand, but he shrugs it off as quickly as the thought had come to his mind—he can always use his shirt as a makeshift one.

With every nerve in his body fired up, Ryeowook is a lot more sensitive than he already is on a normal basis; so when Jongwoon starts leaving light, warm little kisses down his neck, just out of affection, Ryeowook starts to shiver, and even lets out a small whimper when his boyfriend’s lips press onto his pulse. He jumps when Jongwoon slowly wipes off the cum sticking to his now soft cock laying in his lap, but the man is so gentle in his movements that Ryeowook weirdly feels so calm and relaxed all the same. He’s back to feeling safe in Jongwoon’s arms, and that’s all he truly cares about.

He feels so serene, in fact, that he panics for a second when Jongwoon lets go of him to take his now stained shirt off and throws it to the side, immediately clinging to him again the second he’s done, thoughts of taking his own shirt off so he can feel Jongwoon’s skin against his crossing his mind. And as if he could hear it out loud, the man slides his hands under his shirt as he holds him again, at least letting him feel his touch a minimum. Ryeowook could honestly fall asleep like this. Jongwoon makes a surprisingly comfortable human pillow.

Ryeowook breathes in deeply, inhaling his boyfriend’s comforting scent as he lays his head on Jongwoon’s shoulder. He’s already feeling so drowsy that he barely feels it when the man tucks him back into his boxers, the wet patch of precum now mostly dried off—it’s a little uncomfortable, but he can definitely tough it out because changing clothes would mean having to pry himself off of Jongwoon and he really, really doesn’t want to. He plans on sleeping on top of him tonight, and by _ tonight_, he means _ right now_.

“Are you feeling better, sweetheart ?” Jongwoon whispers, the low rumble of his chest as he speaks reverberating through Ryeowook’s body.

Ryeowook nods slowly, humming his response. He feels like _ he _ should be the one to ask that question, given it was Jongwoon who’d just been crying outside about half an hour ago. But by now, he knows one of the best ways to comfort the man when he’s upset is to let him show affection in whatever way he sees fit—it’s definitely a little strange that Jongwoon can feel better almost instantly just by taking care of someone, when most people would need to be the one that’s being taken care of, but his boyfriend’s always been a bit of an oddball, so Ryeowook has stopped questioning a lot of things such as these by now.

Jongwoon is selfish in being selfless, a contradiction Ryeowook has come to adore most of the time.

He loves that man so, _ so _ much, and he guesses it’s the intensity of those feelings that make him so irrationally insecure—he’d be absolutely _ shattered _ if Jongwoon didn’t feel the same way about him, whether it was now or sometime in the future.

Jongwoon is his first _ real _ boyfriend. He wants him to be the last, too.

“Daddy,” Ryeowook sighs in bliss, voice cracking a little from exhaustion.

Jongwoon’s entire body tenses up before he even becomes aware of what’s happening; he knows that tone by now, knows what’s coming next, and while he’s gotten used to it by this point, _ right now _ is a terrible time for Ryeowook to utter those words—not when he’s this vulnerable and fragile and will need him to say it back, which Jongwoon knows he can’t do. He just can’t, as much as he wants to. As much as he tries to convince himself that they’re just words, he can’t manage to fool himself into believing that despite how much he cares for the boy. He’s been too hurt by it before that it leaves an extremely bitter and nauseating taste in his mouth when he thinks about attaching Ryeowook to that word, but he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to tell him that without making his baby feel like he doesn’t love him.

And the thought of Ryeowook feeling unloved is even more painful than all of that.

Panicking and out of time, Jongwoon’s body acts up on its own and crashes his lips against Ryeowook’s right as the boy is about to speak up again, pulling him in a heated, rushed and urgent kiss almost immediately. He’s hoping it’ll be enough to distract his boyfriend from his initial intentions, even if he knows this looks suspicious as hell—he just went from extremely soft and caring to needy and hurried in the span of a second, and it’s not the first time he’s pulled something like this on him either.

Fortunately for him, Ryeowook seems to take the bait and returns the kiss with just as much passion, which helps Jongwoon relax a little and focus entirely on what he’s doing, arms wrapped tightly around his lower back as the boy lifts himself up on his knees to give himself an advantage and deepen the kiss. For once, though he would normally see this as an act of defiance, Jongwoon allows it, too relieved by the fact that he’s just managed to dodge a huge bullet to care about anything else at the moment.

Feeling bold, but mostly without really realizing what he’s doing, Ryeowook slowly sinks himself back into Jongwoon’s lap and, supporting himself on the man’s shoulders, starts grinding down on him—he doesn’t know what his intent is by that, though, because he doesn’t explicitly want to get him hard or for things to go further. He’s honestly not truly thinking at all, too caught up into the kiss, and he only comes back to reality when Jongwoon’s hands fly to his hips and grip him hard, nearly slamming him down onto his lap to keep him locked in place.

To Ryeowook, this only comes off as Jongwoon reasserting his dominance and reminding him that he doesn’t get to take the lead, which is honestly a huge relief for the man who’s currently internally breaking down and trying his best not to visibly start shaking. Giving Ryeowook a handjob didn’t bother him, most likely because he did it out of affection rather than play or selfish desire to tease him, but the minute the boy started grinding down on him, that feeling of pure dread he’d felt earlier floated back to the surface and he just had to make it stop before things got too far.

His fear of hurting his baby is still too fresh in his mind to do anything with him at the moment, at least anything that involves him beyond touching. He just can’t—he _ can’t_, and he’s freaking out. His terror is only amplified by his concern that Ryeowook is going to notice how tense he is or the way his hands have started to tremble as he wraps his arms around his waist once again, breaking the kiss so he could bury his face into his neck and avoid looking him in the eyes as he tries his best to calm down. He doesn’t want to break again. He’s so exhausted, feeling like his anxiety is eating him alive from the inside and slowly turning him into a mere shell of himself, and he doesn’t want Ryeowook to see how fucking guilty he feels about everything—both for hurting him and using the kiss they’ve just shared as a way to avoid having to say _ ‘I love you’ _ back.

Ryeowook, despite it all, deserves better than that.

“We’ve been up for too long,” Jongwoon forces a chuckle, trying his best to hide his negative emotions. “Let’s go back to sleep while the sun is still down.”

Ryeowook is definitely a little confused about Jongwoon’s sudden change in behaviour, but he’s tired, too; he’s been so worried about his boyfriend being mad at him to have a restful sleep even if he did manage to fall asleep, unlike Jongwoon. So, in the end, he gives into the man’s suggestion, nodding tiredly before letting his boyfriend pull him down to lie on top of him, just as he had wished to do a few minutes ago.

Jongwoon holds him close, arms crossed around his middle and his hands caressing along his sides. He’s trying to soothe and lull Ryeowook to sleep so that the boy doesn’t have time to notice how oddly he’s acting—he’s got no more tears left to cry, but he’s deeply terrified and in dire need of sleep, too. He’s hoping it’ll be enough to clear his head and get him to behave normally again, especially now that he knows Ryeowook isn’t put off by him and doesn’t seem to be as hurt as he thought he was.

He just hopes the nightmare he seems to be stuck in at the moment ends soon.

“There’s something bothering you,” Geng squints at his boyfriend who seems eerily too focused on the fake scar he’s putting over his eyebrow.

Heechul is usually the type to shamelessly flirt with him whenever he’s working on his costume and makeup, to crack jokes and boast about how great of a job he’s doing—this silence is weird as hell and only familiar to Geng whenever something upsets him, which doesn’t tend to happen very often.

“You’ve been acting off since last weekend,” Geng adds when Heechul doesn’t speak. “Talk to me.”

Heechul sighs, letting Geng know that he wasn’t actually spacing out like he thought he was and _ did _ listen to him; he just doesn’t appear like he wants to talk about it, which is, again, extremely strange. His boyfriend usually tells him everything, even if it’s heavy or embarrassing, since he doesn’t really know what a _ filter _ is.

“It’s probably nothing,” Heechul brushes off as he continues to work like nothing happens, switching between brushes and paints to make sure Geng’s makeup doesn’t _ look _ like makeup.

Distracted or not, Heechul isn’t the type to half-ass things. Especially not if he’s working for a man like Shin Donghee; the man tends to work with the same team on his projects, including most of his actors, because he believes chemistry within a team is one of the most important things to give out the best results.

They’re both extremely lucky to have this opportunity, and Heechul isn’t going to let Donghee down.

“I’m just really worried about Jongwoon,” Heechul confesses, now padding some foundation around the scars and bruises on Geng’s face to make them blend in with the skin.

“When aren’t you ?” Geng chuckles quietly.

Heechul gives him a small smile. He’s not wrong.

“What’s going on with him ?” Geng inquires, genuinely caring—both for the well-being of his friend and for hearing Heechul out, offering him an ear to listen.

“It’s mostly just a feeling,” Heechul explains. “I can’t really put my finger on it, but he’s not doing great, Geng.”

“What do you mean ?” Geng prods, frowning in puzzlement. Heechul’s tone is honestly concerning. He’s rarely this serious; only ever is when something’s up with his best friend.

“You should’ve seen him when I went to his place,” Heechul states. “Guy looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.”

“You think it has something to do with Hyukjae ?” Geng guesses.

“It has _ everything _ to do with Hyukjae,” Heechul confirms. “That and… I don’t know, he said some weird things about Ryeowook and went on a rant about feeling unneeded and left out and I really didn’t like that.”

If Geng had learned something in the near decade they’ve known each other, it’s that Heechul’s intuition rarely ever failed him, especially not when it involved Jongwoon. Though those two don’t hang out together as much as they used to, with their schedules being too dissimilar and hectic, they still came as a package deal and Geng believes they might have the ability to telepathically talk to each other at times. If Heechul says there’s something wrong, it’s probably because there actually _ is_, and now Geng is starting to share his boyfriend’s worry.

“He’s gotten attached to the guy surprisingly quickly,” Geng states vaguely, not really knowing how to respond to that. “To Ryeowook, I mean. Do you think he’s repeating the same pattern of idealizing him like he did with Hyukjae ?”

“No, not really,” Heechul hums in thought. “I think it’s the opposite, actually. He’s too hyperaware of his fear to make that mistake again, and it’s like it’s preventing him from enjoying his relationship to the fullest. He knows that Ryeowook keeping him away isn’t normal and that’s why he got hurt by it. I just… I don’t know what Ryeowook is like,” Heechul adds, “but with the way Jongwoon is talking about him, it almost sounds like he’s hiding something from him. Jongwoon said he kept insisting on sending him out to meet up with Hyukjae even if it clearly upset him, and since then he’s been distant.”

“That sounds oddly familiar,” Geng grimaces. “It’s as if…”

“... Ryeowook is purposely trying to find something to guilt-trip Jongwoon over ?” Heechul completes. “Because that’s exactly what it sounds like to me.”

“That’s something Hyukjae would’ve done for sure,” Geng concedes. “I don’t know if it’s something Ryeowook would do too, though. But it’s a possibility, I guess.”

“And that’s enough for me to be concerned,” Heechul declares. “I want this relationship to work out for him, I really do. For his sake. I think this is the first time he’s actually in love with someone. And I really, really don’t want him to get his heart broken and start feeling like he’s not worthy of being loved in return. You know he’s dumb enough to think like that.”

“Yeah,” Geng chuckles awkwardly.

Heechul is done with his makeup by now; has been for a little bit, but Geng is still waiting for his call before getting back to work. Director Shin is still busy with the stunt performers, probably setting the scene for them and giving them directions on how it’s supposed to go. Geng is suddenly overcome with goosebumps when he remembers which scene they’ll be doing today; just the concept of literal _ human puppets _ being a thing creeps him the fuck out.

Jongwoon would love this, though.

“Poor guy doesn’t deserve that,” Geng mumbles then. “It’s always the good ones who end up suffering the most, it seems.”

“Sometimes I want to slap him for being too forgiving for his own good,” Heechul rolls his eyes. “He was cursed with a sensitive soul but the looks of someone who breaks hearts, so people just keep assuming shit about him without giving enough fucks to actually get to know him. I swear one day I will force his partners to fill out a form so I can judge if they’re good enough for him before they even _ look _ at him.”

“Wrap him in bubble wrap while you’re at it,” Geng suggests sarcastically.

“I might honestly do that too,” Heechul plays along, though he does actually sound serious. “Or get him one of those giant air bubbles you can roll around in. That way I can also push him around and shake him a little when he needs a reality check.”

“What a great way to protect him,” Geng smirks. “Are you sure you actually love him ?”

“It’s called _ unconditional love_,” Heechul counters. “He may be a fucking dumbass who hasn’t grown out of his emo phase but it’s okay because I love him. No one can be perfect like me.”

Snorting, Geng gives his boyfriend a gentle kick on the side of his calf. _ Perfectly ridiculous _ would be a much more accurate and fitting term to describe him, but the sound of someone clearing their throat in the doorframe of the makeup room catches his attention before he can open his mouth to speak. It’s Siwon, looking a bit sheepish and awkward on his feet, something Geng probably would never get used to—the guy was a renown celebrity in East Asia, yet he still felt bashful when it came to interacting with people in his daily life.

It wasn’t unpleasant to know he never let his status and fame get to his head, however.

“Am I interrupting something ?” Siwon asks, already looking apologetic.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Heechul dismisses, already reaching out for his makeup brushes. “Do you need a retouch ?”

“Oh, no, thank you,” Siwon turns down. “I actually came on, huh, personal matters.”

Geng raises an eyebrow in curiosity, while Heechul cocks his head to the side and leans back against the makeup vanity, both trying to figure out what _ Choi Siwon _ could even want from them.

“What is it ?” Geng inquires, really intrigued.

“You guys are friends with Kim Jongwoon, aren’t you ?” Siwon brings up. The couple shoot a quick surprised look at each other from the corner of their eye. “At least I assume so, since he hosted Heechul’s birthday party.”

“Yeah, he’s one of our closest friends,” Heechul confirms, stuttering a little from his leftover shock. “Why are you asking ?”

“Oh, hum, I’ve been wanting to contact him since then,” Siwon confesses. “I have an offer to make him that might interest him.”

“I’m guessing you came to ask for his number,” Heechul figures, already reaching out for something to write on—and with—which ends up being one of the napkins he keeps around in his makeup kit and an eyeliner pencil.

“Can I ask what it’s for ?” Geng questions, genuinely interested.

Siwon hesitates to answer for a moment. “Please keep this for yourselves,” he makes them swear, “but I had a conversation with Donghee— huh, _ Director Shin_, about adapting one of his books into a movie.”

Heechul nearly drops his pen then. He doesn’t know why exactly, but the idea makes him want to laugh so hard; he can already imagine Jongwoon’s face when he gets that call from Siwon. He manages to hold it back, but his amusement is clearly visible on his face as he puts down his pencil.

“Just a heads up,” Heechul warns him as he walks up to Siwon to hand the napkin over. “Expect him to hang up if the book you want to adapt is his latest one.”

“Noted,” Siwon nods, albeit a little confused about the implications of that claim. “Thank you.”

Out of courtesy, Siwon bows at them, a move that reminds Geng that the guy is actually _ younger _ than them, which is definitely something he’s never been able to fully integrate yet. Siwon just looks so put together, nothing like the mess his and Heechul’s lives have been up until very recently—that with his acting career taking some time to kick off well enough to be able to live off of it entirely, the price to pay when you refuse to sign up with an entertainment agency—that anyone would think the man is well into his thirties.

The beard makes him look older than he actually is, too.

The man only disappears into the corridor leading to the stage for a brief moment before he’s back in the doorway running. “Oh shoot, I almost forgot. Director Shin wants us on set like, right now.”

“Coming,” Geng immediately replies as he practically jumps out of the makeup chair to follow Siwon who’s already on his way. He still takes time to properly say goodbye to Heechul, even if he knows his boyfriend will be watching from backstage, by giving him a quick peck on the lips. “You should call Jongwoon in the meantime if you’re so worried.”

“I might,” Heechul shrugs. “Break a leg.”

“Thanks,” Geng smiles, and he gives Heechul one last kiss on his temple, taking him by surprise, before he’s on his way too.

Slouching back into the makeup chair as his boyfriend leaves, Heechul grabs his phone he’s left on the makeup counter, taking up Geng’s advice to call Jongwoon. They’ve briefly been able to talk in the group chat they share with Geng and Youngwoon, but for the most part, Jongwoon’s been _ missing-in-action_. Even his Instagram page hasn’t been updated for a week, which is definitely worrying because his friend is practically addicted to that app.

It’s still very early in the morning, but he has a feeling Jongwoon isn’t sleeping.

Jongwoon jumps in his chair when the buzzing of his phone on his desk forcefully yanks his attention away from his computer screen, which he’s been staring at for God knows how long by then, typing away at his keyboard without really being aware of what he’s even writing. This scene is much too familiar to him, and he grimaces when his first guess as to who’s calling is Jungsoo—even if he hasn’t heard from the man since the last time he saw him, it’s become a force of habit to expect a call from his editor while he’s engrossed in his writing after almost ten years.

Needless to say he’s pleasantly surprised, albeit a little confused, when he reads Heechul’s name and catches a glimpse of a picture of them together taken last year at Christmas he’s set as his contact picture. Jongwoon would normally ignore the calls he’s receiving while he’s working, but Heechul, just like Ryeowook, has always been a special case.

“Hello ?” Jongwoon answers, unexpectedly letting out a grunt as he rubs a hand over his tired and sore eyes. He’s a lot more exhausted than he thought he was, apparently.

“You sound like death,” Heechul nervously chuckles on the other end.

“I kind of wish I were dead right now to be honest,” Jongwoon whines, slumping over his desk to rest his head against the crook of his elbow. “A coma sounds so festive at the moment.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic ?” Heechul downplays—he can tell Jongwoon isn’t in the best of states, but his friend always had a tendency to be a little overdramatic sometimes.

“Ugh, I honestly don’t know at this point,” Jongwoon groans. “What day is it ? Thursday ?” he then asks, trying to peek over at his computer screen to check the date.

“Saturday,” Heechul replies matter-of-factly. “July 27th, 2019. It’s currently 5:32AM.”

There’s an awkward silence that follows then—Heechul thinks Jongwoon may have fallen asleep for a second.

“... fuck,” Jongwoon curses, though his voice sounds weirdly flat. His impromptu hermitage seriously fucked with his time perception.

“What’s going on ?” Heechul inquires, trying his hardest not to sound like a worried mother hen.

“_Writing _ is what’s going on,” Jongwoon laments. He honestly feels like crying. Out of extreme overexertion, mostly. “I’ve been locked in my office since last Tuesday. Only times I came out were for bathroom breaks. And I took a shower last night.”

“Please tell me you’re eating at least,” Heechul half-scolds, knowing damn well how little care Jongwoon puts into his own health when he’s on a writing spree. The fact that he took a shower is already a goddamn miracle.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Ryeowook won’t let me get away with not eating. I just… eat at my desk.”

As he speaks, Jongwoon watches his half-eaten bowl of noodles discarded in the corner of his desk dating from yesterday, which he never ended up finishing, too distracted by his work—or, rather, his will to write and forget about his troubles, because for as long as he’s been locked up in this room that’s suddenly started to feel a lot smaller than he remembers it to be, he didn’t make much progress. His writing pattern looked a lot more like random bursts of energy rather than a meticulous and planned approach, and nothing he’s written actually fits together; they’re mostly excerpts of chapters to come, because that’s what he was inspired to write, and the current chapter he’s been working on for well over a week now, not counting the one that’s just passed, still has yet to be finished.

Jongwoon is aware that he should take a break—God, he desperately needs one, but his deadline is dangerously approaching and he’s really starting to feel the pressure weighing down on him to the point that he can no longer ignore it, as much as he wishes he could do. The increasing guilt he feels towards the fact that it also means he’s severely neglecting Ryeowook also tips the balance in favour of a break, but just the idea of seeing the boy right now is quite frankly terrifying to him now, a thought that just breaks his already damaged heart.

“How’s it going with him now ?” Heechul inquires. Just the question Jongwoon did _ not _ want to have to answer.

“I don’t… know,” Jongwoon breathes out in defeat. Just admitting that they are going through a rocky phase right now hurts like hell, and his voice threatens to crack from repressed sobs the more he thinks about it.

Fuck, he misses him terribly. Misses the sound of his voice, the beauty of his laugh, the soft feel of his skin and the way he always cuddles up to him whenever he holds him—their bantering and playful teasing, and the nights spent together having meaningless conversations as an excuse to spend more time together. He misses _ everything_, even if he shouldn’t feel that way at all; Ryeowook is still living with him, after all. All he needs to do is cross that door and he’ll be there waiting for him, but he just… can’t.

He’s too scared just breathing too hard will break his baby at this point.

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’ ?” Heechul repeats, internally panicking. He _ knows _ there’s something very wrong here—his friend doesn’t sound like himself at all. He’s too broken, too unsure, too hesitant to talk to him and all of that simply just isn’t _ Jongwoon_. “Did you guys fight or something ?”

“No,” Jongwoon denies. “Not really. It’s just… really complicated to explain. And I don’t—” His breathing picks up as panic threatens to take over once more. “I don’t feel like talking about it. I can’t. I just _ can’t_.”

“Jongwoon, you’re seriously worrying me,” Heechul affirms, sharp and serious. “Do you want me to come ? I can ditch work and—”

“No,” Jongwoon shakes his head. “No, I’m fine. I just… need to sleep, I think. I’ll feel better once I do.”

“Somehow I don’t believe you,” Heechul scolds him. “Jongwoon, you know you can talk to me, right ?”

Awkward pause, yet again. “... yeah,” Jongwoon sighs almost sadly. “Yeah, I know.”

“Then talk to me,” Heechul demands, though his voice comes out much softer than it had before.

“I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” Jongwoon dismisses.

“But you just said—”

“I said I’ll be fine,” Jongwoon cuts off, a bit uncertain. “I promise, Heechul. I’ll be okay.”

“You don’t sound fine,” Heechul retorts. “You sound like you’re two seconds away from a mental breakdown.”

“When do I not ?” Jongwoon tries to laugh off, but his plan to distract Heechul with a poorly timed joke fails miserably.

“I’m being serious, Jongwoon,” Heechul insists. “I fucking hate seeing you like this and you know that. You’re gonna kill yourself if this goes on.”

Jongwoon doesn’t say anything to counter it. He knows he’s working himself to death. He knows his current emotional state and heartbreak only worsens it. And it hurts. So. Fucking. Much just to breathe. The air around him feels like a cage, one with cold metal walls where no light can come in, where it’s so cold it’s numbing and freezes his lungs over with every breath he takes, and so fucking empty that his only friend is the voice in his mind shouting insults at him as a painful reminder of how much of a fuck up he is. He knows he won’t be able to take that much longer.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Heechul asserts. He almost sounds like he’s begging.

“You’re not,” Jongwoon swears. “You’re not gonna lose me. I’m just… going through a really hard time right now, but it’s… it’s nothing I’ve never gone through before.”

“And that’s what worries me,” Heechul presses desperately. “So, please… even if you don’t want to right now, promise me you’ll call if you need help.”

“Chullie—”

“_Promise me_,” Heechul repeats.

“I promise I’ll call you,” Jongwoon gives in immediately. “When I’m ready to talk about it. And not… this much of a mess anymore.”

“That’s better.”

Though it wouldn’t sound like he is to the average person, Jongwoon knows Heechul well enough to know his friend is on the verge of tears at the other end of the line, and he feels so much remorse about making him worry to such an extent. He knows he’s difficult to handle, and it’s for that very reason that he keeps most of his troubles buried deep inside of him—he doesn’t want to be a burden more than he already is. The emotional wreck living inside his mind is already hard for him to bear. He doesn’t want someone else to carry that weight for him on top of their own problems.

“We should see each other soon,” Jongwoon suggests, hoping to heighten the spirits a little. “Gather up the gang and go out like the good old days. I could even try and get Jongjin to tag along too.”

“Jongjin ?” Heechul raises in question.

“He, hum,” Jongwoon stutters, “he texted me earlier this week. We couldn’t come to a specific date to meet up again but we want to do it as soon as possible. So I thought maybe if you, Geng and Youngwoon were there too… that it would just be like it was before I started falling down this hole.”

“That’s—” Heechul stammers in his turn. “That’s a good idea, I think. I’ll let you know what Geng thinks of this.”

Jongwoon opens his mouth to speak, but he stops himself when he hears Heechul mumbling something inaudible to what he assumes to be someone else talking to him, so he decides to just wait patiently for his friend to come back on the line, closing his eyes in an attempt to focus on more positive things. Childhood memories of he and Heechul being up to no good, Youngwoon’s disaster of a pledge in college, that one time he was dared to make out with Heechul and Geng jumped in to kiss _ him _ instead because no one gets to touch his Heechul but him—that one actually makes him laugh, because Geng is probably the one among his friends that he thought he’d be the least likely to do something like that with.

Times were much simpler then. When the weight of the responsibilities that came with adulthood still had yet to fully crash down on them—when Jongwoon had felt genuinely happy without having to pay the cost for it. He misses those times. They’re no longer able to see each other whenever they feel like, and though Jongwoon’s always been more of an introvert, he wishes he could see them more often.

“Jongwoon ?” Heechul calls him then, bringing him out of his daydreaming. “I— I have to go. But before I do, please promise me you won’t do anything stupid in my absence.”

“I don’t know how I could do something stupid without you there to enable me,” Jongwoon jokes. He wants to at least end this call on a more positive note.

“Fair enough,” Heechul concedes, visibly sharing the same wish. “Now please go to bed.”

“I will.”

Heechul hangs up on him then, but he leaves Jongwoon feeling a little better than he was before—not by much, but enough to make a difference, and he thinks he’s got the energy left to at least review his work before he gladly takes Heechul’s advice and goes to bed. Fuck, he needs to be knocked out and sleep for an entire week at this point. He’s never going to be able to catch up on sleep.

_ He isn’t even aware of stepping forward, inexorably drawn to her as if some invisible string was wrapped around them. As the light filters through the treetops, he sees glimpses of all the other guises she has worn etched into the shadows of her face. But the closer he gets, the more she looks the way she did when he knew her—wide eyes and pale skin and lips that always curve upward. _

_ Beautiful, he thinks, because now he is free to. _

_ As if she can read his thoughts, she smiles at him then. The same smile that made him feel like a child when she first trained it on him the day he taught her falconry—a smile that somehow followed him in his memory in every life. He knows now that was the day he realized what she meant to him, however much he tried to fool himself. _

_ His heart feels heavy then, other memories that are not so pleasant returning to him. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he tells her, the words as foreign to him as the face he hasn’t seen in so long. “For everything.” _

_ “Heejae,” she replies softly. “How many times must we have this conversation ?” She raises a hand to caress his cheek. “I forgave you so, so long ago.” _

_ Heejae covers her hand with his own, pressing into it and relishing in the soft feel of her skin against his. “You shouldn’t. The things I’ve done—” _

_ “Do not matter here,” she finishes, uncharacteristically firm. She sounds the way she had the day he left. _

_ He remembers screams, blood in the streets and a shadow in the moonlight. A lifetime of loss and grief. An empty smile and an arranged marriage. _

_ “I did love you,” he tells her then, uncertainty and fear of speaking those words aloud gone from this strange place. “Always.” _

_ She sighs sadly. “I know. It’s just… it was never the right time.” _

_ “I’m sorry it took so long.” _

_ “But was it worth it in the end ?” _

_ He shoots a sharp look at her. “Was it the end ?” _

_ “Maybe,” she replies with an uncertain little shrug. “Maybe it’s just the beginning ? It depends on what you want.” _

_ “I want to stay here,” he answers immediately, and when she stifles a giggle, he feels a blush overtake his cheeks for the first time in lifetimes. “That is… for a while.” _

_ “However long you want,” she agrees. “Together.” _

_ “Together,” he confirms. _

_ She takes his hand in her infinitely familiar one, and begins to lead him towards the meadow. _

_ “Minjae is eager to see you again,” she claims with an urchin grin that he tends to associate with seafoam and cherry blossoms. “You would not believe the argument we had over who would greet you first. Sejoong talked some sense into him, fortunately. _

_ “Sejoong… and Minjae are here,” Heejae repeats dimly, but his voice rises in question. _

_ “Of course—you arrived here before most of us, mind you, but time here works differently. We’ve all been waiting for you for so long.” Her eyes soften. “Some much longer than others.” _

_ “I always keep you waiting,” he sighs. _

_ “Not anymore,” she assures him with utter certainty. “No more waiting.” _

_ “No more waiting,” he vows, letting her lead him into the light. _

Jongwoon frowns as he sinks into his office chair. This is a surprising turn of events he hasn’t seen coming—his fingers had just been working on their own this entire time, his mind being occupied somewhere else, but it’s nothing Jongwoon isn’t used to by now. It generally doesn’t bother him, but this is definitely interesting, to say the least.

Jongwoon always seemed to possess the uncanny ability to heavily project himself and his emotions onto his characters, both unknowingly and on purpose, but he usually only ever projects onto one character in particular. And in the case of _ Through The Looking Glass_, this role had been filled in by Heejae, but this time, he’s projecting onto both he _ and _ Jihye. The fact that he’s aware of this should be a good sign, Jongwoon thinks, but he currently isn’t in the mood for a reality check.

He sees himself in Heejae’s denial and reticence to open up about his feelings—the fact that the first time he ever admits to Jihye that he loved her is when he finally dies and reunites with her in the afterlife, after a continuous cycle of life and death he’s had to endure for nearly a millennia, speaks for itself. Though it’s not as drastic for him, Jongwoon _ has _ spent his entire life struggling to let the people around him know what he truly felt for them; almost as if he were scared he’d die doing so.

But in Jihye, he sees how willing he is to forgive his partners when they fuck up. All that matters to her in that moment is that she and Heejae are finally reunited and free to be together; she doesn’t forget the atrocities he committed in his desperation to try to fix a world he saw as completely broken, but she’s able to set them aside if it means they get to start anew. Jongwoon is very much like that too. Probably too forgiving, in fact, if his relationship with Hyukjae is enough proof of that.

As he keeps staring blankly at his computer, too focused on his self-introspection, he completely misses the knock on his office door that comes a few minutes later. He’s only brought back to reality when he hears—or thinks he hears, at this point he’s so sleep-deprived that hallucinations wouldn’t surprise him—Ryeowook call out his name in a soft and unsure voice.

Blinking and still a bit out of touch with the present, Jongwoon slowly shifts his gaze to the boy over his computer, but it still takes him an awkwardly long time to register his presence at all. He’s so brain dead by now that he might as well be dreaming without knowing—it wouldn’t be the first time this happens.

“Am I…” Ryeowook hesitates when Jongwoon doesn’t speak up. “Am I bothering you ?”

Jongwoon blinks again. “No, of course not,” he assures him after shaking himself back to the real world. “Is something wrong ?”

It seems his current lack of energy forced his body to work on autopilot—checking up on Ryeowook, even if he’s been trying to keep his distance until he was able to look the boy in the eye without flashing back to that dreadful night a few days ago, is and forever will be his top priority as long as they’ll be together.

Ryeowook shakes his head, though he seems hesitant. “I, huh… You— you didn’t come to bed last night,” the boy reminds him then, stuttering. He doesn’t want to sound upset or accusatory, but fails at hiding the former. “I just… I felt lonely. And I wanted to check on you and see how you were doing and I know you’re busy but—”

“Oh, baby,” Jongwoon sighs dejectedly. He expected Ryeowook to be upset that he’s been so caught up in work that he ended up neglecting him, but seeing it for real is just heartbreaking. “Come here.”

Jongwoon barely needs to beckon him closer for the boy to walk up to him and immediately settle into his lap, clinging to him. Ryeowook isn’t crying, and Jongwoon doesn’t think he will—thank the fucks for that, or he might start crying too—but he can still tell how bothered his baby is by his absence. And, as always, Ryeowook’s needs come first before his own, though having him in his arms right now feels a lot more comforting to him than it had for the past few days.

“I just miss you,” Ryeowook mumbles, nose buried into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Jongwoon apologizes as he holds him close, pressing his lips onto his forehead. “I miss you too, baby. So much. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”

“It’s okay,” Ryeowook comforts him in a small voice. “I just… you usually come to bed with me. But last night you didn’t.”

“I lost track of time,” Jongwoon explains. “I just realized what time it was a few minutes ago.”

Fuck, he’s missed this so, so much. It feels so great having Ryeowook in his arms right now that he’s starting to feel drowsy, eyes turning droopy, but his grip remains iron tight. He doesn’t know what exactly makes this time different than all the others this week, but his exhaustion probably has something to do with this—he’s so physically and emotionally drained that he doesn’t even have the energy to panic anymore.

“It’s not because you’re mad at me, is it ?” Ryeowook asks worryingly.

Jongwoon can’t blame him for thinking that, because he _ has _ been avoiding him on purpose for the most part. But it wasn’t because he was mad at him. Never.

“No,” Jongwoon promises. “God, baby, no. If I were mad, I would let you know. Not give you the silent treatment. I don’t do that. It’s just… this stupid deadline that’s getting to me.”

“I’ll kill your publisher for you if you come to bed with me,” Ryeowook half-jokes. He knows Lee Sooman is a fucking asshole by default, but he’s even angrier at him for getting his boyfriend to stress out so much that he’s losing sleep and doesn’t even allow himself to take breaks.

Jongwoon decides to ignore the way his heart suddenly drops in his chest as well as the little voice in his head warning him that this might be a bad idea—Ryeowook’s sudden change of tone stresses him out, for some reason—and he nods, feeling like he might be falling asleep any second now.

Smiling, Ryeowook slowly climbs down from Jongwoon’s lap so he can get up too before grabbing his wrist, pulling him toward the bedroom. Jongwoon is a little puzzled as to why his boyfriend looks so excited to get to bed, but he doesn’t question it. He’d rather have Ryeowook happy than upset.

“I’m forcing you to take a break today,” Ryeowook declares, trying his best to appear threatening, which he obviously fails at miserably. Still, Jongwoon chuckles, resigned—he’s pretty sure he’ll end up sleeping all day anyway. “You don’t have a choice.”

“You’re giving me orders now ?” Jongwoon raises in question.

“Someone has to,” Ryeowook shrugs as he brings Jongwoon to his side of the bed, turning around once his knees hit the mattress to look the man in the eye. “Since you don’t want to take care of yourself.”

Jongwoon lets out a subtle, tired little chuckle that Ryeowook nearly misses from how brief it is, but he considers it a win. His boyfriend had looked awfully gloomy when he first came into his office, and while he is a little upset about him leaving him out like that for days, he understands from Jongwoon’s explanation that he really did just get caught up in his work, which is actually true despite the man’s hidden intentions, because this was his strategy to momentarily set his troubles aside—his plan just ended up working too well. So seeing him more relaxed is a huge relief for him; he really hates seeing Jongwoon like that.

“I prefer taking care of you,” Jongwoon poorly defends as he wraps his arms around Ryeowook, and he takes him by surprise when he pulls him down on the bed with him. “You are the baby here.”

Ryeowook can’t deny this claim with more than an annoyed huff, because the second Jongwoon rolls them into position, with him lying on top of the man safe in his arms, he can already feel the fog of subspace overtaking him. Jongwoon may be a giant manchild at times, but Ryeowook will forever be _ his baby_, no matter how much he tries to fool himself. It’s his fate at this point.

Despite the drowsy but incredibly reassuring feeling invading his mind, Ryeowook can’t get himself to relax fully because Jongwoon’s entire body is so tense under him that it’s distracting. Just one glance at the man’s face lets him know that his boyfriend is still very much stressed out, and Ryeowook doesn’t think he’ll be able to get some sleep as long as he’s in that state—at least not a restful one. He ponders over what he could do to help for a moment, trying to come up with something _ other _ than putting his cock in his mouth, even if that option sounds really appealing to him.

He eventually gets his _ eúrêka _ about a minute later and, without giving Jongwoon a warning, readjusts himself so he can see what he’s doing as his hands reach out for the man’s neck and upper shoulders. Ryeowook starts kneading the tense muscles of his neck, but he quickly grows frustrated when he realizes that this position makes this incredibly uncomfortable and awkward, and it doesn’t help that Jongwoon seems to only get more and more agitated, which is the opposite result of what Ryeowook had set out for. Now _ he’s _ the one growing tenser.

“What are you doing ?” Jongwoon chuckles nervously—he’s somewhat amused by the slightly annoyed look on Ryeowook’s face as he frowns, but he’s also very confused because the boy has never done something like this before and Jongwoon has no clue where he even wants to go with this.

“I’m—” Ryeowook hesitates, sheepish. “I’m trying to give you a massage but this position is awkward.”

Jongwoon tries his best to stifle a laugh, because the way Ryeowook is pouting right now is just downright adorable and he’s weak for that. He also thinks it’s cute that the boy came up with that idea to make him feel better; it definitely helps him set his discomfort aside.

While the great majority of people would happily jump on the occasion to get a free massage, Jongwoon’s never been one to particularly enjoy it. Sure, it feels great physically speaking, but the man gets uneasy whenever it comes to letting other people have control over him like that. It makes him feel too vulnerable, too _ submissive _ for his liking, even if they’re in a completely platonic context. He knows it makes no sense to feel this way unless it _ is _ indeed done in a sexual setting, but he’s always had trouble with letting other people take the lead even in his everyday life.

“Do you mind flipping over ?” Ryeowook then asks, taking Jongwoon by surprise. “Please ?”

Jongwoon blinks at him. His grip on the boy’s hips tighten unbeknownst to him—yeah, this is _ definitely _ really uncomfortable for him.

“Baby, you really don’t have to,” Jongwoon tries to dissuade him, but it doesn’t appear that Ryeowook wants to listen and give up on his plan so soon. “You can just let me hold you and I’ll be alright.”

Jongwoon doesn’t want to be too harsh in turning him down—the small hopeful gleam in Ryeowook’s eyes nearly makes him falter. Fuck, he’s too cute for his own good and it really, _ truly _ makes Jongwoon weak as hell.

“Please, daddy ?” Ryeowook insists, staring at him with an adorable little pout on his face. Jongwoon curses internally. “I don’t like seeing you so tense.”

Jongwoon lets out a long, drawn out sigh in defeat. He’s whipped beyond reason, at this point.

“Fine,” Jongwoon almost grunts. “As long as you don’t try to act naughty.”

_ ‘Or else daddy will have to punish you’ _ is what he means to add, but something within his subconscious persuades him to keep those words to himself—after their last disastrous playtime, that idea has his skin crawl and traps air in his lungs.

He shouldn’t be feeling that way, and he knows that. He’s promised Ryeowook that he wasn’t mad nor held any ill feelings towards him, and back then he really meant it because he believed, foolishly so, that his reticence to do anything with him that night was only due to it being so fresh in his mind. The boy seems to have moved on; logically, he should have too, especially more so since he wasn’t the one on the receiving end of it, but he hasn’t, clearly.

He really, really doesn’t want Ryeowook to end up believing he’s turned off by him now, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. Part of him wishes he could completely ravage him right then and there, but the emotional wreckage causing a ruckus in his mind prevents him from making a move. He’ll have to wait for Ryeowook to do so—it’s his only option.

Sighing, Jongwoon slowly, almost hesitantly turns around to lie on his front, his uneasiness never disappearing. If anything, it only gets worse when Ryeowook climbs back on top of him to sit right on his butt; he’d honestly regret his decision if it weren’t for the fact that it makes Ryeowook happy, but his baby will have a lot more work on his hands now.

“I forgot to ask you to take your shirt off,” Ryeowook mumbles bashfully, a little embarrassed by his lack of foresight.

Jongwoon, however, thinks it’s kind of cute that Ryeowook is so clueless and awkward when taking charge, if he can call it that. It eases his discomfort a little to see his boyfriend still act so… _ baby _ despite it all and it’s rather amusing, too. It’s definitely a little difficult to pry his shirt off of himself in the position he’s in, but he eventually manages to take it off and discard it on the side, if not with a little struggle.

Ryeowook’s hands feel pleasantly warm against his skin when the boy leans a little forward to press his palms against his back, starting at his shoulders and gradually kneading their way to his nape, and fuck, this feels so much nicer than Jongwoon could’ve ever anticipated. He knew he had a few knots up in there, but not that many; the combination of stress and awkward posture sitting at his desk—sometimes even falling asleep on it—definitely did him no good at all.

For the first time in a lifetime, Jongwoon can actually experience what it’s like not to have to carry the weight of _ years _ of pent up anxiety and frustration onto his shoulders. Ryeowook’s hands almost work like magic, especially when the boy starts rubbing circles onto his nape with his thumbs—more particularly that spot right under where his neck connects to his shoulders feels amazing. He regrets never letting someone do this to him before.

“Fuck, I really think I needed that,” Jongwoon blurts out, sighing in content.

“You _ definitely _ did,” Ryeowook giggles as he moves a little further down, thumbing at each side of his spine before diverging toward his shoulder blades. “You really need to stop overworking yourself like that.”

“I know,” Jongwoon concedes, a little guilty. “It’s just… how it’s always been for me. It’s hard to break habits even if they—” He has to mark a short pause there when Ryeowook rubs over the outer sides of his shoulder blades to let out a quiet, almost inaudible groan of satisfaction that the boy nearly misses. “Even if they fuck you up.”

“I really wish you’d tell me when you’re feeling this way,” Ryeowook confesses, but he doesn’t sound scolding in the slightest. A little upset, yes, but not angry.

Jongwoon remains silent for a moment. He doesn’t really know what to answer to that. He’s aware that it bothers Ryeowook that he’s so secretive all the time, and he guesses that catching him crying over the phone with someone else instead of taking it directly with him a few nights ago probably made him feel left out too. Coupled with the past few days he’s spent avoiding him, Jongwoon understands why his boyfriend is upset and it’s totally valid, too.

“I wish I could too,” Jongwoon replies. “But it’s hard to do that when I don’t even understand what’s going on half the time. I can’t… put them into words, which is terribly ironic in my case. If I try to do that regardless… I’m scared it’ll come out all wrong.”

“Well… I think it’s already good that you’re telling me _ that _ now,” Ryeowook concedes. There’s at least something positive to find here.

Maybe it’s from stress, maybe it’s from the guilt he feels about everything he did this week, maybe it’s from the care in Ryeowook’s voice or from exhaustion or a mix of all four, but Jongwoon tears up despite him then. He’s glad he’s got his face buried in his pillow, with his arms crossed over his head, because that way his boyfriend can’t see him—and Jongwoon is a silent crier unless he’s panicking, so he believes he can manage to hide that from him. He knows they’re currently having a conversation about _ opening up more_, but showing vulnerability to that degree isn’t something he’s comfortable with, at least not yet.

He’s already cried in front of him twice before—actually, _ thrice before_, but he doesn’t remember the first instance due to his state of intoxication at that time—and it’s more than he would’ve ever wanted to.

“I know I always tell you this when I’m in a more… huh…” Ryeowook continues, suddenly shy, blush appearing on his cheeks “... well, _ you know_,” he chickens out. He knows Jongwoon understands that he’s implying those moments where he’s ‘ _ in a more submissive and more often than not completely fucked out of his mind state _’; he just feels too embarrassed to say it out loud. “But I mean it when I say I love you. Even if I fucked up a lot lately. You’re… you’re really important to me, you know. So I just… want to be important to you too.”

Something within Jongwoon’s mind snaps then, his heart sinking in his chest at Ryeowook’s last words; the boy can feel his muscles tense up again under his touch for a second before his boyfriend manages to flip himself onto his back again, Ryeowook’s weight on him doing close to nothing to slow him down. He’s not crying anymore, not that he ever did end up actually weeping—it was more of a case of tears welling up in his eyes, but none fell down—so he feels more confident about looking his baby in the eye as he places him in his lap.

“You _ are _ important to me,” Jongwoon declares with absolute certainty before pushing himself up to sit against the headboard so they can truly see eye-to-eye, wanting to make sure Ryeowook understands that he’s being nothing but entirely genuine at the moment. “Baby, look at me,” he then demands in a soft voice, placing his hand on Ryeowook’s cheek to prevent the boy from looking away. “If I ever did anything that made you feel like you aren’t, I’m so sorry. And I’ll try to do bet—”

Jongwoon is interrupted mid-sentence when Ryeowook’s lips crash onto his. It happened so quickly that it takes him a moment to return the kiss, but once he’s over his initial surprise, he happily does so, wrapping his arms around his middle tightly and pushing on his upper back with his right hand to keep him close. It’s been barely five days since they’ve been able to share this type of intimacy, but it feels like they’ve spent an eternity away from each other and like they have to catch up, so the kiss doesn’t remain slow and gentle for very long, if it ever was in the first place.

Jongwoon decides to ignore the voice at the back of his mind telling him that this may be a bad idea and instead flips them over so he’s lying on top of Ryeowook, pinning the boy in place into the mattress by the hips and trapping him under the weight of his body. Ryeowook is already hard, he can feel it against his own bulge, and he’s even letting out soft little _ pleading _ whimpers into the kiss that almost make Jongwoon dizzy—he’s actually feeling a little lightheaded and it leaves him a bit confused, but he powers through it because he really feels like they need that type of intimacy right now. Just to explore and get reacquainted with each other’s bodies and put everything that happened behind once and for all. Start anew.

“Daddy…” Ryeowook moans breathily into the kiss, slightly digging his fingers into Jongwoon’s shoulders when the man begins to slowly grind down on him just to rile him up a little.

Ryeowook is too distracted by his own arousal straining in his underwear that he doesn’t notice it when Jongwoon starts growing more frustrated by the minute, his lightheadedness refusing to go away and only worsening the more he tries to focus. He wants Ryeowook so, _ so _ hard right now—so why can’t he get into it ?

Confused, upset and angry at himself, Jongwoon thrusts his hips into Ryeowook’s, harder this time, increasing the volume of the boy’s little moans and whines, and moves on to suck and bite harshly on the side of his neck. Fuck, he hates this. He hates it so much that he can’t shake that uncomfortable and extremely unpleasant feeling that has his stomach churning, and he groans in annoyance despite him.

Jongwoon knows too well where that anger comes from—it stems from his fear of hurting him by mistake again, because there’s a part of him that really can’t allow himself to trust Ryeowook fully now, even if he does believe him when he says he won’t try to fool him this way again. He just has no way of knowing if this is true. He knows he and Hyukjae are two completely different people, but his ex pulled this shit on him so many times before that he’s grown cautious to the point of paranoia.

He needs more time to get over this completely.

Resting his forehead against the pillow over Ryeowook’s shoulder, Jongwoon stops all attempts at making things go further than they have by now; he stays completely still on top of the boy, arms wrapped tight around his ribcage, and he has to gather what little strength he’s got left not to start tearing up again. He’s so disappointed in himself—he feels like such a failure as a boyfriend, now more than he ever did before.

And, of course, his sudden inaction and change in behavior confuse the hell out of Ryeowook, whose brain is overloaded with questions, and the gears inside his mind go into overdrive as he tries to grasp and figure out what’s going on.

“Why— why did you stop ?” Ryeowook stammers in a small voice. He sounds so lost.

“I just—” If he’s honest, Jongwoon doesn’t know what answer to give him then. He fucking abhors having to hide the truth from Ryeowook, and he can’t bring himself to blatantly lie to him and come up with some lame excuse to avoid telling him that _ he can’t get in the mood because of what happened earlier this week. _ “I just got lightheaded all of a sudden,” he admits then. “I think I… I really need to sleep. I’m so sorry, baby.”

Though Ryeowook is a little disappointed, he understands Jongwoon’s feelings and they’re entirely valid; the guy barely slept all week and he’s just spent well over twenty-four hours wide awake staring at a computer screen. Of course he’s exhausted.

“It’s okay,” Ryeowook assures him as he clings on to him, using Jongwoon’s weight on top of him as a security blanket. “We can play later, right ?”

Jongwoon’s grip around him tightens. “Of course,” he affirms with a twinge in his heart. “Yeah, daddy can play with you later, baby boy.”

He’s honestly hoping with all his might that this statement is true. For Ryeowook’s sake.

Ryeowook ends up wondering if their conversation even amounted to anything, ultimately, when he wakes up to an empty, cold bed the next day, with Jongwoon nowhere to be found, just like he had for pretty much the whole week. A painful weight immediately finds its way in his chest from the sudden feeling of loneliness that overcomes him—he really, really hates waking up without Jongwoon by his side. He’s gotten so used to it that he came to need his boyfriend’s warm and comforting presence to start the day on the right foot, but right now, he just feels hollow, like there’s a piece of him missing. It’s even more upsetting given that he actually told Jongwoon that he didn’t like waking up alone, or at the very least heavily implied so, but the man doesn’t seem to have registered this information.

He doesn’t think this should surprise him, though; Jongwoon had acted really strange and so unlike himself last night too, and he didn’t hang on to his promise to pick up where they’d left things off in the morning before he passed out from exhaustion. In fact, in hindsight, the man hadn’t felt like the Jongwoon he knew and adored ever since _ Hyukjae _ came back, and that thought leaves a bitter taste in Ryeowook’s mouth. He doesn’t know exactly why he despises that man so goddamn much, because it’s not like he thinks Jongwoon is cheating on him, and he really doesn’t want to entertain the idea that he’ll do worse and break things off to go back with him; but the fact that his boyfriend _ still _ refuses to tell him what happened and _ why _ they’re still in contact is suspicious as hell and Ryeowook really doesn’t like that.

And now, Jongwoon acts like he can barely look at him—not the way he used to, at the very least. The burning flame of lust and desire that Ryeowook always seemed to ignite within him was gone now, only to be replaced by something gloomier, more melancholic, one that almost screams _ regret _ and really concerns him.

The most logical answer would be that his boyfriend still held some sort of grudge or ill sentiment towards what happened a week ago, but Jongwoon had kept repeating over and over that he wasn’t mad at him and he _ did _ look genuine, so he’s really at a loss here. And he can’t count on Jongwoon to tell him anything, _ clearly_.

Sighing, Ryeowook rolls to his side to grab his phone on the bedside table next to him. If he’s going to spend the entire day being bored wandering Jongwoon’s apartment, he might as well stay in bed a little longer just mindlessly scrolling down social media looking for anything mildly entertaining to read or watch.

He doesn’t know if this counts as _ entertaining_, but his interest is peaked when he checks his notifications on Instagram—mostly to get rid of the little red bubble, for some reason seeing it there really annoys him—and the first thing he sees is that _ ‘heenim7’ _ has just followed him. Normally, he doesn’t really care to check who his new followers are, but the profile picture is much too familiar to him to ignore.

He definitely feels embarrassed when he pulls up on the profile and realizes that he wasn’t able to connect the dots and recognize _ Heechul _ right away. He’s only seen the guy once, twice if he counts the time he flipped through Jongwoon’s photo album, but that man has such unique features that he wouldn’t be able to forget what he looks like even if he tried.

Ryeowook is definitely confused and a bit in shock that Heechul would think of following him, but he doesn’t question it for very long because he quickly remembers that Kyuhyun and Jongwoon did the same with each other—and so, without further thinking, he decides to follow him back, just for good measure. Heechul’s profile looks normal enough; it’s mostly pictures of himself, the occasional couple one with his boyfriend thrown into the mix. There are also some of what he assumes to be his work station on set, and others from his birthday party at Jongwoon’s place.

He should’ve stopped scrolling there. But he doesn’t.

The further down he goes, the more group pictures of him and his friends—some he recognizes from the party—appear, and he momentarily forgets his concerns whenever he stumbles upon the ones with his boyfriend smiling like an idiot and looking like he’s genuinely having fun. They have a lot of silly ones, the most ridiculous ones being those when Youngwoon joins them too; it’s a really heart-warming sight, especially since Jongwoon’s been acting so… _ off _ lately.

Ryeowook wonders offhandedly if Jongwoon’s ever looked this happy with him before.

It takes Ryeowook a while to recognize the other guy standing between Jongwoon and Heechul in the next picture he randomly selects, because hell, if it _ is _ him, he’s changed so much—it’s Jongwoon’s arm around his waist that confirms his suspicion. Hyukjae.

He knows he should’ve stopped there, close the app and leave this behind, but for some reason, he doesn’t, and he gets this strange feeling of possessiveness creep up on him; not out of jealousy per se, because this was taken about a year ago when he didn’t even know Jongwoon _ existed_, but more so because he knows that his boyfriend was living a nightmare because of this guy at the time and it makes him wish Hyukjae would’ve never existed. He’s at the root of more problems than he could solve at this point.

This is where Ryeowook decides to cut it off, thankfully. There are more pictures down the profile, but just coming across _ one _ was more than he wanted for a lifetime—he doesn’t need that kind of torture, especially not today.

Not that he _ really _ does know what he needs at the moment, though. He’s having very mixed feelings about it all, and his insecurities that he’ll never be good enough for and live up to Jongwoon’s standards are creeping up on him again. And so he spends maybe another hour trying to distract himself by watching whatever video pops up in his recommendations on YouTube. This is looking up to be a very, very boring day to say the least, but he doesn’t know what Jongwoon will think of it if he barges in on him and demands attention for the second day in a row, no matter how much the man can try to fool himself into believing that he _ doesn’t _ need someone to force him to take a break for a few days.

Though it’s becoming harder and harder for him to ignore the fact that his brain is on the verge of completely frying over, this morning especially so.

Jongwoon is finding himself stuck in yet another one of his staring matches with his computer screen, and as always, the latter is winning—his inspiration had reached its limits for the time being, or so it seems. Everything he manages to come up with ends up in a metaphorical garbage bin, no matter how many words he’s written and how much work he put into it. Nothing he’s putting on the document _ feels _ right; he can’t even recognize his own style of writing. The pacing and rhythm of the words just sound wrong, almost foreign to him, and it really feels like he’s just hired a ghostwriter to do his work in his place because it’s lacking _ something _ that Jongwoon can’t quite put his finger on and it’s frustrating.

“Why didn’t I become a lawyer like my dad wanted me to..?” Jongwoon grunts, speaking to himself.

It’s a question he ponders over at least once for every book, but it’s come back to haunt him a lot more than usual recently. He considers texting Jungsoo to ask him to actually hire a ghostwriter to finish this thing, because it’s not like the ideas aren’t there—the foundation of the story has been laid out, but he’s having a ridiculous amount of trouble putting it into coherent words that don’t make it sound like he’s a nine-year-old writing fanfiction about his own book.

Yet ironically enough, some fanfiction writers could probably write this story better than _ he _ could, he thinks then.

Jongwoon keeps staring at the screen for a good ten minutes before deciding to give himself yet another shot at it, desperately hoping that, even if he _ did _ end up deleting it, he would still be able to salvage some parts and rework them into something better. The gears in his brain almost overheat as he tries to focus on what he’s typing out, and he’s definitely hitting some bumps along the way due to awkward phrasing and indecision, but what he ultimately comes up with is miles better than everything he previously did, and that by a long shot.

_ He’s even more devastatingly handsome to behold than she thinks a man has the right to be. They are still strangers, despite how long they’ve known the other, the years spent away acting as a kind of reset button on their former friendship—and as such, they likely no longer have anything in common save from the shared goal of achieving and maintaining peace. But given the way he’s taking such care in attending to her, she wonders for a moment if there is happiness to be had there, and if she should give him the chance to make her happy. There is clearly already a strong level of almost magical attraction between them physically, and a distinct possibility that love could come later; at this point, she supposes that she has little to lose, and if anything, no one outside of these walls would ever know of the blasphemous acts taking place in her home in this moment. _

Yet, rereading this leaves him very puzzled—everything makes sense in the context of the characters and their story, but it feels so strangely and uncomfortably familiar to Jongwoon despite how illogical it appears to him at first glance. Unfortunately for him, he isn’t able to reflect over the reason behind this weird gut feeling he’s getting from this as the buzzing of his phone stirs him away from his thoughts.

Blinking, Jongwoon glances at his phone confoundedly, almost looking like he’s trying to figure out whether he’s hallucinating it or not; and with his mind halfway to catatonia due to overexertion, he doesn’t even have the ability to pay attention as to who’s calling him before he picks up the phone.

“Hello ?” Jongwoon sighs tiredly, taking off his glasses to run a hand over his face.

There’s a few seconds of silence on the other end, enough to make Jongwoon wonder if it was just someone who got the wrong number and hung up when they didn’t recognize him, before a voice Jongwoon knows all too well speaks up.

“When was the last time you slept ?”

Jongwoon almost chuckles bitterly. Hyukjae knows him all too well—it’s as if they were never separated.

Though he’s extremely confused as to why the hell his ex is calling him now, Jongwoon is too out of touch with the present to even care to ask. He’ll welcome a distraction, even if said distraction is a man who he not so long ago still despised.

“Define sleeping ?” Jongwoon retorts, laughing almost sadly. He’s realizing now how much of a joke his life is, a perfect example to show the universe’s twisted sense of humor. It’s pathetic. Almost pitiful, even. “Because I did close my eyes and passed out all day yesterday, but I still feel like I’ve been run over by a fucking semitruck.”

“At least the driver didn’t back up,” Hyukjae tries to joke. It works—he hears Jongwoon fail at suppressing a chuckle. “I was calling to know if you ended up talking to Ryeowook, but I guess you didn’t.”

Jongwoon is still and probably forever will be hesitant and slightly uncomfortable talking about his relationship issues with anyone but Heechul, and he honestly contemplates just completely evading the subject with Hyukjae; if it weren’t for the fact that the guy actually did give him good advice and at least deserved a _ thank you _ for it, he probably would have, honestly.

“No, I did,” Jongwoon sighs in defeat.

“Really ?” Hyukjae exclaims.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon confirms. “It didn’t evolve into a fight, so I guess it went well ?”

“Wow,” Hyukjae blurts out. “Old me couldn’t relate.”

“I hope you know that you’re now forcing me to imagine the tantrum you would’ve thrown if I did that with you before,” Jongwoon confesses, “and now I just want to hang up on you.”

“But you _ haven’t_, so it’s a good sign,” Hyukjae remarks, trying to laugh off the awkwardness lingering in the air—faint, but just thick enough to let its presence known.

It’s already a good thing that Jongwoon picked up and even wanted to talk to him in the first place. There definitely is still some discomfort about it, but Hyukjae is conscious that it’s completely normal and it’s something that’ll stay there as long as the damage he’s caused hasn’t completely scarred and his guilt hasn’t disappeared, because he still definitely feels bad for what he did to Jongwoon.

He’s hoping his attempts at reaching out don’t come off as him trying too hard or overcompensating—he’s hoping, but doesn’t expect, that they’re able to become friends again, because no matter how messy their break up was, Jongwoon is and forever will be someone he considers important to him. Having to live his life knowing his mental health not only ruined their bond but also affected him too is too heavy of a burden for Hyukjae to bear, not without trying to make up for it first.

“How was the make up sex ?” Hyukjae then questions, wanting to change the subject and shift the conversation to something he knows shouldn’t bother Jongwoon.

“I’m not answering that question,” Jongwoon responds flatly, though he’s so taken aback by it that he momentarily forgets the disaster that it ended up being.

“Why not ?” Hyukjae teases. “It’s not like I don’t know you have the sex drive of a dozen frat boys with blue balls combined.”

“I am still _ not _ going to answer that question,” Jongwoon repeats, but he weirdly doesn’t get angry at Hyukjae’s insistence. He _ does _ feel a pinch in his heart when he finally remembers the way he had to turn Ryeowook down, however. But it’s not something he wants to let the other know.

“If you’re too shy, I can always tell you about Siwon and I first and—”

“No, please don’t,” Jongwoon almost begs him—the mood is still playful but he really, really doesn’t want to know about the details of Hyukjae’s current relationship. He plans on watching Geng’s movie when it comes out. He wouldn’t be able to without cringing everytime Siwon comes up on screen. “I don’t want to hear about—”

Jongwoon is interrupted mid-sentence when the door to his office opens and Ryeowook peeks around the corner, worried he’s interrupting something again. The sight of his boyfriend is honestly more of a relief than anything else, even if he does feel anxious about the fact that he’s currently on the phone with his ex only a few metres away from him—he just really doesn’t want to hear what Hyukjae has to say.

“Sorry, I’m gonna have to go,” Jongwoon asserts, but he still sounds friendly instead of rushed by panic. “Thanks for calling.”

“Sure,” Hyukjae nods—he doesn’t feel the need to question Jongwoon on why he’s got to go so suddenly.

He’s actually the one who hangs up first.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Jongwoon greets his boyfriend in a soft voice as he puts his phone back onto the desk.

“Did I interrupt something ?” Ryeowook worries as he approaches him carefully.

“You know you never do,” Jongwoon assures him. “Did you need something ?”

“I—” Ryeowook stutters. “I guess I was just… I don’t know why I came. I should just leave you to work.”

“Hey, hey,” Jongwoon stops him as Ryeowook turns around to leave, getting up from his seat to walk up to him. “What’s going on ?”

“Nothing,” Ryeowook denies, though he’s not convinced of his own answer. “I think boredom just got to me.”

“Aw, baby,” Jongwoon coos as he reaches out for him to catch him in his arms. “I was just about to take a break because I’m not achieving anything at the moment—want me to spend that time with you ?”

Without even thinking, Ryeowook nods into his chest, wrapping his own arms tightly around Jongwoon’s waist. While part of him is still upset at his boyfriend’s strange behaviour, that upsetedness is also making him extremely needy for his affection, and the relief he’s getting from Jongwoon’s suggestion almost completely overpowers it. Almost. He’s definitely still sulking a little.

It’s crazy, the effect Jongwoon has on him. Whenever Ryeowook gets mad at him, instead of wanting to put distance between them, he usually ends up seeking him for comfort; it’s a strange contradiction that always confuses him, but that he’s never really brought up into question. Jongwoon is a safe space for him, and he guesses that _ this _ is the cause of his concerns regarding their relationship—he’s afraid he’s going to lose all of that.

“Were you over the phone with your editor when I walked in ?” Ryeowook questions, wanting to check if he truly did interrupt something important. He knows Jongwoon could never tell him he did.

“No,” Jongwoon responds quickly, body growing tense for a second. “It wasn’t anything important, I promise.”

There’s a heaviness in his heart that Jongwoon can’t shake away; he feels so fucking terrible hiding the truth from Ryeowook. It makes him feel like he’s going behind his back, which he knows he’s technically doing even if all of this means _ nothing _ to him, and he wants to be honest with him—to tell him what’s been going on, but he’s so afraid that it’s just going to upset the boy even more than he already is and cause him to doubt further. And if it gets to that point, Jongwoon doesn’t think just blocking Hyukjae’s number before his eyes is going to fix anything.

He’s just wondering why Ryeowook _ still _ hasn’t asked him to do it, even if the boy basically admitted that he hated the fact that Hyukjae texted him after they’d met up and he’s given him many chances and opportunities to just tell him to.

“I just want to make it up to you,” Jongwoon adds then, trying to deflect the subject. His confession has multiple meanings, though Ryeowook doesn’t know that. “Is there anything you wanted to do ?”

Ryeowook takes a few seconds to come up with a suggestion. “I guess we could just… start by eating breakfast together ?”

Jongwoon isn’t really hungry, the rollercoaster of emotions from the past week leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, but he nods anyway—if this is what Ryeowook feels like doing, then so be it. He keeps thinking about the conversation they’ve had the day before, how the boy had told him he wanted to be important to him, as if he didn’t already know he was, and the fact that his actions may have come off this way seriously hurt him. This isn’t what Jongwoon wanted.

“Let’s do that, then,” Jongwoon encourages, leaving a kiss on Ryeowook’s cheek before letting go of him.

Taking the boy’s hand in his, Jongwoon leads him to the kitchen, hoping putting Ryeowook back into his element will get rid of this heaviness lingering in the air and lighten the mood a little—his boyfriend is usually always in a good mood whenever he’s cooking. And it seems to work for the most part; the confused and a little bit spaced out state Ryeowook’s been in since he first walked into his office is soon replaced by a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his lips when Jongwoon almost comically plumps him right in front of the fridge.

Though he does wish he wouldn’t have had to come and get Jongwoon out himself, he’s glad the man didn’t put up a fuss about it. He’s going to cherish this moment for as long as it lasts—Jongwoon did say it was a _ break_, so he assumes he’s going to go back to work eventually.

Jongwoon stays attached to his hip, a hand resting on each of them as he stands behind him, as he weighs in all the options he has. He’s gone grocery shopping about two days ago, so the fridge is almost packed full; he’s even got some leftovers from what Jongwoon _ didn’t _ eat, which is what ultimately gives him the idea to go all-in a prepare a true traditional Korean breakfast using some of those leftovers, killing two birds with one stone—no food’s going to waste, and his boyfriend _ will _ eat something more substantial for once. A real Sunday breakfast. Fitting.

Jongwoon only looks on as Ryeowook gets to work, eyebrows furrowed in confusion at just how much stuff the boy needs now when he usually keeps breakfast pretty simple. He’s got all types of spices out, seafood, kelp, and the remaining galbi Jongwoon turned down yesterday for lunch out of many other things, and though his appetite still hasn’t come back, he’s excited to see what Ryeowook will come up with. His cooking is always on point.

“Looks like you’ve decided to spoil me this morning,” Jongwoon states, smiling as he starts petting Ryeowook’s hair gently.

“Not spoiling,” Ryeowook refutes. “I’m making up for how little you ate all week. Don’t think I didn’t see the half-eaten bowl of noodles sitting on your desk yesterday.”

Jongwoon lets out a soft little chuckle as he nuzzles into the side of his head. He’s feeling surprisingly touchy today, probably a result of having to hold himself back all week when the boy had been there to taunt him all this time, but also a silent wish that things finally do end up going back to normal—he knows he’s the one to blame for making things awkward, but he thinks he’s ready to move on now.

“How did I survive all those years without you ?” Jongwoon wonders sarcastically.

“Poorly ?” Ryeowook throws back at him.

“You’re confident,” Jongwoon raises an eyebrow at him. “I like that.”

“Just admit that you like it when I roast you,” Ryeowook giggles despite him.

The atmosphere between them is still a little awkward, and it shows through their banter—it doesn’t exactly feel the same, but they’re on their way there, which is a huge relief in itself. Ryeowook just can’t help but feel like Jongwoon’s replies sound a bit forced, which in turn prevents him from getting into a more playful mood, though he knows it’s not as bad as it could be. He’s aware that Jongwoon’s mind is occupied elsewhere; at least he’s trying, and it’s a huge improvement from the way it was just yesterday, so he can’t really complain about that.

And the more the conversation goes on, the less awkward it becomes, so he has hope that they’ll be fine in the end.

“I admit that I like it when you’re aware that I would be such a mess without you,” Jongwoon counters, voice a lot more sultry than he’s intended to. He meant to be more serious, to hammer down the fact that he _ does _ mean a lot to him into the boy’s brain, but he guesses lustful and flirty is better than regretful and gloomy.

His sudden change of tone has the expected effect on Ryeowook, despite not being on purpose, and Jongwoon can see a blush forming on his boyfriend’s cheeks; one that remains until Ryeowook is done cooking, and that turns him more fidgety, something Jongwoon notices right away despite the boy’s efforts to hide just how flustered he is. He’s so _ easy_.

As they settle on the couch in the living room to eat, side dishes placed on the coffee table in front of them, the twinge Ryeowook had felt in his heart since he woke up in the morning loosens considerably. He’s missed moments like these, where they would just enjoy a meal together while half-paying attention to whatever’s on the TV at the moment, too distracted by the other’s presence to be able to fully focus on anything—something neither of them ever minded, and something Ryeowook doesn’t mind now either.

As he cuddles up to Jongwoon’s side, legs tucked in to lay them on the couch, Ryeowook sighs in content before taking his first bite, watching as Jongwoon does the same. The silence between them is comfortable, peaceful, serene, nothing like the emotional chaos they’ve been experiencing all week. _ This _ is right, he thinks. They’ll be able to get through this, and sooner rather than later.

Their moment is ultimately halted by Ryeowook’s phone buzzing on the coffee table, signalling that someone’s just texted him. Curious, the boy reaches out for it; it’s Sungmin texting the group chat he has with him and Kyuhyun, one that they rarely used aside from discussing things in regards to rent or anything related to the apartment. Puzzled, Ryeowook decides to check it in case there’s an emergency, but seeing the first message, he realizes that he’s wrong.

_ ‘I’m finally free from practice today and it’s pouring out'_, Sungmin complains. _ ‘I’m so bored, I hate this’ _

_ ‘Where’s Kyuhyun ?’ _ Ryeowook questions—although he knows Sungmin has a huge problem with standing around and doing nothing all day, he rarely complains about boredom; Kyuhyun usually keeps him occupied, whether it’s a good or a bad thing.

_ ‘It’s 11AM’ _ Sungmin sends back. _ ‘You know he’s still sleeping’ _

_ ‘Go wake him up’_, Ryeowook snickers.

_ ‘I just finished vacuuming the entire place twice’_, Sungmin responds. _ ‘He’s still sleeping like a brick’ _

_ ‘*WAS sleeping like a brick’_, Kyuhyun chips in suddenly. _ ‘The vacuum did wake me up, but I managed to go back to sleep before my phone started buzzing all of a sudden’ _

_ ‘Not my fault you go to bed at 5AM every day’_, Sungmin counters.

_ ‘It’s your fault for starting this conversation here when you could’ve just texted Ryeowook directly’_, Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. He really isn’t a morning person.

_ ‘I wanted to hang out with you both’_, Sungmin justifies. ‘If Ryeowook is free’

_ ‘And you’re not asking me ?’ _ Kyuhyun gasps dramatically.

_ ‘Should I just leave you both to your married couple quarrel ?’ _ Ryeowook jokes, too busy eating to reply to them unless something important happens.

_ ‘No, please don’t leave me alone with him today’_, Sungmin pleads. _ ‘I can’t go out because of the rain and I don’t want to be stuck here with him ㅠㅠ’ _

_ ‘Luckily for you, I’ve got something planned already’_, Kyuhyun states.

_ ‘Your girlfriend ?’ _ Ryeowook teases.

_ ‘She’s not my girlfriend’_, Kyuhyun corrects. _ ‘But yes, her. I promised I’d hang out with her today. Sorry guys’ _

_ ‘Well, fuck’_, Sungmin curses. _ ‘What about you, Wookie ? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages even if it’s been like, two weeks’ _

Ryeowook chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment. He technically doesn’t have anything planned, and he really does miss his friend, but if Jongwoon’s going to spend the afternoon with him, he’d rather stay and take advantage of that situation to make sure things are okay between them now.

“Are you going to write again this afternoon ?” Ryeowook asks, looking up at his boyfriend.

“Probably,” Jongwoon replies, looking back at him. “Why ?”

“Sungmin wants to hang out,” Ryeowook shrugs. “I wanted to know if it would bother you if I go.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Jongwoon assures him, smiling. “Go see your friend. We can spend more time together in the evening.”

The man gently pushes on the side of Ryeowook’s head to bring him forward and gives him a kiss on his temple, something he does without really thinking about it.

_ ‘I’m free’_, Ryeowook types then, feeling mushy inside from his boyfriend’s small display of affection. _ ‘At the apartment ?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, if you don’t mind’_, Sungmin answers. _ ‘I’ll be waiting for you’ _

_ ‘Let me just get ready and I’ll be on my way’ _

_ ‘Alright :) See you later !’ _

After sending his friend a heart, Ryeowook puts his phone back down, smiling as he looks up at Jongwoon as if he were about to ask permission for something—he’s so cute. Jongwoon won’t ever stop thinking that.

“I, huh…” Ryeowook trails off as he glances at the empty dishes on the coffee table; Jongwoon’s done eating. Good. “I’m gonna clean this up and go take a shower.”

Ryeowook wants to mentally slap himself for chickening out like a coward at the end. He wanted to ask Jongwoon if he could come shower with him, but he doesn’t know if it’s appropriate to do that now; he’s just being hopeful, probably. Showers are usually very intimate between them, so he thought it could help them right now, but he’s apprehensive of it now.

Jongwoon grabs him by the wrist when he tries to stand up and gather the dirty dishes, effectively putting a stop to his plans.

“Let me,” Jongwoon dismisses him, his tone making his words sound like a command.

Ryeowook stares at Jongwoon for a moment. He reckons that he shouldn’t be surprised at his boyfriend’s demand, but he’s a little dumbstruck by the sternness in his eyes. He doesn’t have a say in the matter.

“Okay,” Ryeowook gives in. There’s no point in argumenting—he knows he’ll lose.

“Go,” Jongwoon smiles at him fondly.

Nodding, Ryeowook obeys without another word and makes his way to the bathroom. It’s definitely a weird feeling to be there alone while he gets the shower running, one he’s had to get reused to this week; even if he’s spent his entire life doing it on his own, he’s come to expect Jongwoon to be there with him by now. The shower feels too big without him.

Ryeowook doesn’t realize he’s been standing under the water, completely zoned out and staring at the shower panel, until about a little less than two minutes later when the water turns burning hot and gives him quite the brutal wake up he needed. As he works on readjusting the temperature, he becomes too focused on his task to notice Jongwoon stepping in, and almost suffers from a heart attack when two arms wrap around his middle without warning. He also nearly slips on the wet tile, but the man’s grasp stays firm, pulling him closer against him.

“Please don’t do that again,” Ryeowook pants as he tries to calm down his erratically beating heart.

“What ? Isn’t me joining you what you wanted ?” Jongwoon teases as he overexaggeratedly presses his lips right under the curve of his jaw.

“Not— not like that !” Ryeowook stammers, his entire body turning lobster red, and it’s not because of the heat from the water.

“If you had asked me to join you from the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened, baby boy,” Jongwoon blames him playfully. “You set yourself up for that one.”

“I didn’t think you’d—” Ryeowook goes to argue, but changes his mind before he can finish. Jongwoon is in a cheerful mood this morning, the complete opposite of what it’s been like for a while, and he doesn’t want to ruin that.

“Didn’t think I’d what ?” Jongwoon inquires, and Ryeowook falls silent for a minute.

The boy sighs in defeat. “I didn’t think you’d want to come,” he answers in a small voice.

He hears Jongwoon breathe deeply behind him—it sounds regretful.

“I’m sorry I got you to think this way,” Jongwoon apologizes sincerely. He knows exactly why Ryeowook came to this conclusion. He probably would have too, in his position. “I should’ve stayed with you this morning. I promised you I’d do better. I don’t like knowing that you feel like I’m neglecting you.”

They’re _ definitely _ wasting so much water right now, but this moment was too needed for them to care at this point.

“Maybe it’s a little late, but…” Jongwoon continues. “I can take care of you now. If you’ll let me.”

It doesn’t take Ryeowook very long to come to a decision on Jongwoon's implied question; he’s already nodding when he turns around to face him. The man sighs in relief as he smiles down at him, though he’s a little hesitant when he reaches out to cup his face in his hands, as if he were still scared to break him, and he’s gentle when he bends down to kiss him. It doesn’t stay that way, however, as his mind grows extremely foggy very quickly—he’s feeling lightheaded again, just like he was yesterday, but this time, the tugging sensation in his gut doesn’t tag along with it.

Feeling more confident, Jongwoon deepens the kiss, letting it grow more and more urgent while he forces Ryeowook to back away against the wall. By then, he’s got a hand wrapped around the boy’s jaw under his chin, using the other to turn the water off, as they won’t need it for now, and effectively trapping his boyfriend between him and the cold tile behind. A week’s worth of pent-up sexual frustration is coming to the surface for the both of them, turning Ryeowook into a needy, whimpering mess under Jongwoon’s burning touch, and making the man grow more aggressive and impatient the more they kiss and the more sounds his boyfriend has to swallow back in his throat.

Jongwoon doesn’t remember if he’s ever felt this dizzy during sex before, and he has a hard time deciding whether that feel is a good thing or not because it’s distracting and only frustrates him even more. It definitely shows in the eagerness he’s showing to just get that release he hadn’t been able to get for an entire week, something that was extremely unusual to him thanks to his ridiculous sex drive. Without prior warning, and without breaking the kiss that by now had turned sloppy, hurried and full of tongue, he lifts Ryeowook up, sliding him against the wall, and forcing the boy to wrap his legs around his waist so that their cocks, half hard and already leaking in Ryeowook’s case, can beautifully slide against each other as Jongwoon rolls his hips into his boyfriend’s.

He starts gentle, though, a stark contrast with the urgency of the kiss they’re sharing, as if to test the waters—unsurprisingly, Ryeowook is extremely responsive to him, which finally gives Jongwoon the boost he needs to get rid of that unsettling fogginess in his brain. He can focus on what he’s doing now, and it’s a huge fucking relief. Things are finally getting back to normal.

Jongwoon pushes forward, leaving no air to pass between him and Ryeowook and using the shower wall as support, holding on tight to the back of his boyfriend’s thighs as the boy clings to him, and starts to grind onto him properly. Ryeowook’s whimpers grow louder; he knew he was needy, but fuck, he couldn’t have imagined that he’d be so horny and desperate for release; just the feeling of precum leaking from Jongwoon’s hard cock sliding down the side of his is enough for that familiar coil to form in his lower belly and it’s driving him insane. He’s missed this.

“Daddy, I— _ please_,” Ryeowook begs, though he has no fucking idea what for exactly.

Wanting to take his time catering to Ryeowook’s needs, Jongwoon stops grinding for a moment, holding Ryeowook up with his thigh shoved right between his legs and an arm wrapped tight around his lower back. He pulls his head back just enough to be able to look him in the eyes in an attempt to read his thoughts, but given the boy himself is confused about what he wants, it ultimately yields little results—he’s only able to take from it that his baby needs to cum.

And so does he, so fucking badly, but he’s not doing this for himself.

“Does your little cock hurt ?” Jongwoon asks as he takes it in his hand, for the first time fully taking in just how painfully hard Ryeowook is—just the brush of his fingers against the shaft has him twitching and moan jerkily.

He’s so receptive to his touch. Jongwoon fucking loves that.

“Do you want daddy to touch you ?” Jongwoon continues after Ryeowook confirms his earlier suspicions with an agreeing hum, and the boy nods again out of habit, though he seems to change his mind shortly after, now shaking his head.

“I wanna suck you off,” Ryeowook blurts out. “Please.”

Jongwoon blinks in surprise. He didn’t expect that, despite knowing about Ryeowook’s _ out-of-this-world _ oral fixation. “Are you sure ?”

“Yeah,” Ryeowook affirms. “I miss having your cock in my mouth.”

If it weren’t for the fact that Ryeowook actually gets off of having his throat fucked raw, Jongwoon probably would’ve turned his offer down—not because he doesn’t want it, because fuck him does he love having Ryeowook’s mouth around him, but because he wanted to make this about him first and foremost. Pleasuring his baby is what turns him on in the first place, so he never really feels the need to have his own urges be taken care of.

But if this is what Ryeowook wants, then he’ll give it to him. Gladly so.

Giving him one last, more tender kiss this time, Jongwoon slowly lets Ryeowook slide down the wall so he can get back on his feet, giving the boy’s neck a light squeeze as a little treat for being so good to him right now. They’ve done so many things that sometimes Jongwoon forgets what his baby is into, but breath play is one that stuck with him; it was the first thing they did as an official dominant-submissive couple, after all.

Ryeowook is so into it, in fact, that just this small display of dominance makes his knees buck, and he has no choice but to kneel in front of his boyfriend, unable to support himself on his feet anymore. Seeing the boy so compliant and easy to submit has Jongwoon’s head spinning; he has to support himself against the wall with one arm to prevent himself from falling forward. Fuck. Ryeowook being so willingly obedient is such a fucking turn on that his cock is already twitching, standing hard and red and leaking in front of the boy’s face. He’s never wanted his mouth on him so badly before.

Ryeowook looks up at him expectantly, waiting for permission to touch him, and Jongwoon is so enamoured by the sight that he takes a moment to caress the boy’s cheek with his free hand. He stops at his lips to push his thumb against them, the rest of his fingers wrapped around his chin, sending a silent message that Ryeowook catches on immediately : _ open up_.

“You really do love getting your mouth stuffed full, don’t you ?” Jongwoon hisses as Ryeowook starts sucking on his thumb.

Ryeowook only responds with a satisfied hum and a smile, licking around the digit a little more before Jongwoon gently begins to move his head from side to side to get his jaw to slack, which doesn’t take very long—the teasing sight of the man’s cock has him salivating. He’s so fucking eager to taste him again.

“Are you ready to take daddy in now ?” Jongwoon checks. Everything in Ryeowook’s expression is giving him the go ahead he requires, but he _ needs _ to make sure this time around. He’s not risking it like he did last time.

Ryeowook nods enthusiastically, at least as much as he can manage with Jongwoon’s grip on him, and the man has to close his eyes to catch his breath for a second as it flounders to contain himself and hold back from shoving his cock as far as he can into his boyfriend’s throat just then. He’s so fucking cute, and it _ has _ driven him insane by now.

Jongwoon carefully moves forward, lining the tip of his cock with Ryeowook’s mouth before he drops him, but he lets the boy latch onto him on his own, which he does without throwing up a fuss. Ryeowook’s own cock is painfully twitching and pulsing between his legs, the simple taste of precum on his tongue setting his skin on fire, and he doesn’t even attempt to hold back his moans when Jongwoon grabs a fistful of his hair to guide him down his cock. This is what he wanted. For Jongwoon to take command once more and see the lust in his eyes as his dark gaze stares right down at him.

The suction and the rolling of the boy’s tongue constricting him when Ryeowook hollows out his cheeks makes Jongwoon curse and hiss louder than he intends to. It really doesn’t help that he’s so sensitive from an entire week of abstinence, which seems to have taken a bigger toll on his body than he previously imagined. For him, a week without doing anything, not even so much as touching himself, is something he hasn’t known since he hit puberty and it really fucking shows right now.

“You know what to do now, don’t you, baby boy ?” Jongwoon questions, nearly drunk just from the way Ryeowook looks right now, blissful and _ tiny _ and more submissive than ever before, if that was even possible.

Ryeowook nods as much as he can around Jongwoon’s cock, refusing to let go for even just a second to answer properly. He knows that while his boyfriend typically prefers verbal consent, this is an instance where he’ll take a nod as good enough affirmation to go on.

Ryeowook slowly pulls out of Jongwoon’s cock, though he never lets go of the tip, and replaces his mouth around the shaft with his hand as he chooses to focus on the parts he knows are sensitive as hell. His boyfriend is even more reactive than he usually is right now and he’s going to capitalize on that fully.

Feeling bold, Ryeowook licks a stripe along the slit and pushes in with the tip of his tongue. To his amazement and utter shock, Jongwoon _ moans_—like a low, guttural whine, something he’s never heard before coming from him, that escapes his boyfriend’s lips as his hips jerk forward, strongly enough to have his cock hit the back of Ryeowook’s throat unexpectedly. Not that the boy is complaining, even if the hit is quite brutal and leaves him gagging around the shaft.

“Fuck !” Jongwoon pants as he leans farther towards the wall to rest his forehead on it. He’s never had anyone do that to him before—licking over the slit, yes, but not actively pushing into it like Ryeowook’s just done—and holy shit, it’s so good that his legs are shaking. It’s subtle enough that the boy can’t see it, but Jongwoon feels the muscles of his thighs trembling, and he’s certain that he’s going to cum soon if Ryeowook keeps this up.

However, as much as he wants him to, Jongwoon’s always had a problem with being the one to cum first unless he’s punishing his partner by denying their orgasm, but now is not one of those times.

Taking a deep breath, Jongwoon uses his free hand to tug Ryeowook’s head off of his cock by the hair to stare at him with eyes burning with passion, that same gaze that always sends electric shocks down the boy’s spine and no was no different. Ryeowook’s been so busy enjoying the feeling and taste of his boyfriend’s cock that he hadn’t been able to pay much attention to his own, but now that he’s aware of just how much he’s twitching from a single thrust into his mouth, it almost hurts just how hard he is.

Jongwoon curses under his breath again when Ryeowook meets his gaze with a desperate, pleading one, silently begging to shove his cock right back down his throat. It reminds him of their first night together, where Ryeowook had just been so willing to have his little mouth fucked—it’s that same look that made it all click into his mind that the boy was perfect for him, though he couldn’t have expected then just how much he would end up falling for him.

“Do it again,” Ryeowook demands in a small voice. “Please ?”

“You want me to fuck your mouth ?” Jongwoon checks. He’s still breathing heavily, but he’s managed to regain enough composure to be teasing now.

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods. “Please.”

As if to prove his point, Ryeowook opens his mouth wide, an invitation Jongwoon simply cannot refuse at this point. Keeping the boy’s head still by the hair, he thrusts his cock all the way inside again, though more controlled this time around, and grunts when he feels the muscles of Ryeowook’s throat constrict and press around the tip of his cock. He’s being strangely gentle with his movements, though, making sure to stop a second longer than he usually would to gauge whether or not Ryeowook is still okay, the fear of hurting him still lingering somewhere at the back of his head.

Jongwoon is still mindful enough to pay close attention to Ryeowook’s cock standing straight between his legs, pulsing a ready to explode at any second now—Jongwoon’s always been so mesmerized by the fact that his boyfriend can cum untouched like that, and in all, it’s probably the hottest thing about the boy that he can think of. Just the thought of it makes his cock feel even more sensitive than it already was, and he has to stop moving for a second before he snaps. He doesn’t know what’s gotten to him today and what makes him so reactive when he’s always been good at keeping composure, but fuck, it genuinely feels like he’s got no control this time around and he needs to calm the fuck down before this gets too out of hand.

Jongwoon pulls back, but the tip of his cock remains inside of Ryeowook’s mouth as the boy whines and tries to suck him back in, not wanting this to be over yet. Jongwoon has no strength to fight back, so he lets him have his way for once, though he still manages to restrict the boy’s freedom to do what he wants by firmly holding his chin in place and preventing him from moving anything but his lips and tongue.

The taste of precum profusely leaking from Jongwoon’s cock now is intoxicating, and Ryeowook lets out a long, drawn-out moan around his mouthful. Shit.

“Are you gonna cum just from that, baby ?” Jongwoon teases, catching the way Ryeowook’s voice comes out strained, almost like he’s in pain.

Ryeowook nods, eyes shut in slight embarrassment. He loves that feeling, though; as bashful as he is about it, he also gets a sense of pride from being able to get off just from getting used like that—it’s confirmation that he’s doing a great job at being a submissive, a little toy for Jongwoon to play with, because he’s getting something off of that too.

If anyone had told him just a few months ago that he was submissive, he would’ve taken it as an insult; today, he fucking loves knowing that _ he is_, and a good one at that.

“Cum, then,” Jongwoon orders, but his voice remains as soft as ever. “Show me how much you love my cock.”

Ryeowook still doesn’t know how he’s managed to learn how to cum on command just like that, but it’s not something he has the ability to question for the moment as his thighs start to tremble, lightly squeezing his balls in the process, and he’s cumming not even a minute later with a choked out sob. It’s humiliating to be so fucking _ easy_, especially more so since it’s not something he’s ever experienced before meeting Jongwoon, but that feeling only seems to heighten his senses and making his orgasm even more explosive.

And even more so when Jongwoon unexpectedly cums into his mouth, cock noticeably twitching hard, which causes Ryeowook to moan louder around him.

Jongwoon hasn’t felt it coming at all, but the sight of his baby getting off like that on command just drives him fucking insane and coupled with the boy’s tongue pushing flat against the slit, he just couldn’t hold back any longer. And he’s cumming so fucking much that he’s surprised none of it spills out from the corner of Ryeowook’s mouth.

“Fuck,” Jongwoon curses when Ryeowook starts sucking him dry shamelessly, the suction suffocating him. “Fuck, baby, you’re so fucking amazing.”

As if to help him, Jongwoon slowly thrusts his softening cock down Ryeowook’s throat again to shove his cum deep, forcing him to swallow it all. The boy has no complaints.

“So fucking pretty on your knees with my cock in your mouth,” Jongwoon adds, panting, as he reaches out to caress Ryeowook’s cheek as praise. “Daddy’s gonna have a big reward waiting for you when you come back tonight.”

It’s weird to think this way about a place he’s lived in for two years and still actively pays rent for, but Ryeowook can’t help but think his apartment feels very strange to him, as though he was visiting a friend rather than going back home. It’s definitely weird to be here again, but not exactly unpleasant; at least he’s not just standing there on his own.

Sungmin wasn’t kidding when he said he’s probably cleaned the entire apartment twice already. Everything looks spotless and the floor is almost shining. This is something both he and his friend have in common, as they’re both borderline clean freaks, and he smiles to himself when he remembers all the times they’ve almost made Kyuhyun go insane over the stuff he sometimes lets hanging around on the floor or the kitchen table.

“I’m surprised Jongwoon wasn’t the one who dropped you off,” Sungmin frowns in slight puzzlement when he catches a glimpse of a cab driving away.

“He did offer to,” Ryeowook shrugs as he takes his shoes off. “I had to convince him to go back to his work instead.”

“How’s it going with him ?” Sungmin blurts out despite him before shaking his head. “No, sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up so soon. You just got here.”

Ryeowook cocks his head to the side in confusion. “What ?”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it for now,” Sungmin dismisses as he lets Ryeowook walk into the living room first, following suit after he locks the door. “It’s just that Kyuhyun told me about the weekend you spent in Gimhae for the funeral and it’s been on my mind since, but it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to check how you were doing.”

“Oh, I’m, huh…” Ryeowook stutters. To be honest, he’s been so preoccupied by Jongwoon’s odd behavior all week that he hasn’t been able to really think about what happened in Gimhae—most of it were bad memories, so he’d much rather forget it and try to leave this behind. “I’m fine. I think.”

“You think ?” Sungmin raises in question, chuckling nervously.

As they sit down on the couch, Sungmin reaches for the small drawer on the coffee table to pull out a deck of Uno cards—this was _ definitely _ an old person thing, and Kyuhyun often made fun of them for it, but both he and Sungmin always prefered stuff like this over video games like their friend.

“I just don’t see what this has to do with Jongwoon,” Ryeowook admits as he picks out the cards Sungmin is handing out to him.

“Kyuhyun told me about the, huh…” Sungmin trails off. “... little clash you both had. And you spend most of your time with him, so I figured that it could be affecting your mood, too.”

“I, huh…” Ryeowook stammers, taken aback by the sudden realization that fuck, he never really stopped to think about just how much time he’s spending with the man—he’s practically bound to his hip at this point, and he starts thinking that there might be something off here when his first instinct it to try _ to defend himself_, as if Sungmin’s just attacked him.

Ryeowook knows staying with him is a deliberate choice on his part, because Jongwoon never asked for him to stay this long and it’s not like he prevents him from going out with his friends either. It’s not something he can blame his boyfriend for at all, but he is starting to question himself on whether this is normal or not—he _ does _ remember Sungmin telling him feeling more dependent of his dominant given the type of relationship they have makes sense, but back then, he hadn’t stopped to ask himself if it could be a one-sided thing and if Jongwoon could emotionally depend on him too.

And from what he’s gathered, the answer mostly points to ‘no’, because as many times as the man tells him he’s glad to have him in his life and often talks about how important he is to him, everything seems to come from a physical standpoint rather than an emotional one. Jongwoon needs his presence, that is for sure, but the man still doesn’t seem to trust him entirely when it comes to other matters and he’s starting to think that it’s not _ just _ because he struggles with showing vulnerability in general.

He saw him cry over the phone the other night. He _ does _ confide in people. But not in him, and he’s becoming more aware now of just how much that actually _ does _ bother him.

He has no idea where Jongwoon even stands when it comes to their relationship because he doesn’t talk, and Ryeowook is just left utterly puzzled by all of this. And it hurts, because even despite this, he’s so fucking in love with the man that it sometimes doesn’t even feel real and the thought that his feelings may not be entirely mutual is painful as hell.

The way they started off as a one night stand that evolved into a regular sex thing before they officially started dating honestly doesn’t help calm down his overworking mind.

But it’s not the fact that their sex life is so present into their lives that really bothers him, at the core of it—on the contrary, he never could have wished for more. He doesn’t want Jongwoon to tone that down either, because they completely match on that level and he wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s just that, or at least seems like so, Jongwoon doesn’t seem to see eye-to-eye with him when it comes to the _ romance _ aspect of a relationship. Ryeowook always believed those two should stand on equal grounds, but he has no idea if the same applies to his boyfriend. They’ve been on dates and it’s not like they have sex every day either, and they’re able to enjoy each other’s company without taking their clothes off, but after this week, there’s something about that whole situation that just ticks him off.

The fact that Jongwoon avoided him that entire time because something went wrong during play and the only way they were able to go back to normal was by having sex again just makes Ryeowook think that everything about their relationship has to do with that in his boyfriend’s eyes. He doesn’t want to think that way, he really doesn’t, but his insecurities are getting to him and it’s not something he can fight anymore.

And it shows in the hesitation in his voice when he finally gives Sungmin a complete answer.

“It was a little awkward between us this week,” Ryeowook confesses. He’s toning it down heavily—it was _ really _ uncomfortable between them all week. “But we made up this morning.”

Ryeowook doesn’t sound convinced at all and Sungmin picks up on that immediately.

“Are you sure that you’re okay ?”

“Hm-hm,” Ryeowook nods suspiciously quickly. “It’s your turn to play.”

“... right,” Sungmin smacks his lips before putting a blue ‘6’ card on top of Ryeowook’s red one. “You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you, right ? I mean, I know I don’t have the best track record when it comes to how I handle your relationship problems, but—”

“I know, Sungmin,” Ryeowook assures him. “I just don’t want to bother you with it. I feel like we end up talking a lot about him whenever we meet up these days.”

“Well, he’s important to you,” Sungmin shrugs, only half-paying attention to the game. They’re facing each other on the couch, but Ryeowook refuses to look him in the eye, instead staring too intently at his own hand. “And like I said earlier, a big part of your life now. And it doesn’t bother me,” he asserts then. “I asked you to come because I wanted to check up on you, since I couldn’t go to Gimhae with you and Kyuhyun. I mostly wanted to ask about how you’re coping with that but if it’s Jongwoon that’s troubling you, we can talk about that too.”

Ryeowook chews on the inside of his cheek, hesitating. He really isn’t sure if Sungmin is the right person to confide in when it comes to Jongwoon, given how biased he is—or at least used to be, though Ryeowook can tell his friend is still being very cautious about it. Kyuhyun would probably be more suited for this, given he’s had more chances to interact with Jongwoon than his oldest friend did, but then again, Kyuhyun isn’t the most comfortable talking about this sort of thing and offering emotional support. He’d probably end up trying to distract him, and while usually Ryeowook would appreciate that, he doesn’t think this is what he needs at the moment.

“I don’t really know where to start,” Ryeowook begins, still trying to focus on the game and grunting when Sungmin pulls out a _ ‘draw four’ _ on him. “I’ve just been overthinking a lot lately.”

“About ?” Sungmin prompts.

“Just our relationship in general,” Ryeowook shrugs. “Things have been a little rockier lately and me snapping at him definitely doesn’t help, but it started with his ex coming back into the picture and it’s making me more and more uncomfortable as time goes by.”

Sungmin lifts his gaze to stare at Ryeowook with concern. “Didn’t you say it wasn’t something you were worried about because Jongwoon seemed to be more uncomfortable with this than you were ?” he recalls from the day they hung out at the mall.

“Yeah, but that was before he went out to meet him,” Ryeowook admits. “Now it’s just… I know I’m the one who told him to go, but I—”

“Wait, hold up,” Sungmin stops him, putting his cards face down on the couch in front of him. “You _ told _ him to go meet him ? Why did you do that ?”

“I regret it,” Ryeowook completely dodges the question. “Trust me, I do.”

“Did anything happen ?” Sungmin inquires.

“Not that I know of,” Ryeowook mumbles. “But they’re still talking now. I thought— he told me he wasn’t planning on keeping in touch with him, so I thought he just put all of it behind but Hyukjae doesn’t seem to have gotten the same message so I keep wondering what happened between them and…”

“He hasn’t told you ?” Sungmin asks, almost scandalized.

“No,” Ryeowook shakes his head, sounding defeated. “He never tells me anything. Only that it’s hard for him to talk about certain things that aren’t so great, but I just… I don’t understand why _ that _ would be a hard thing to talk about, especially if they’re friends now or something close to that. I don’t know what relationship they have.”

“Look, I really don’t mean to worry you or go against your relationship, but…” Sungmin trails off. He wants to take his time thinking about which words to use so he doesn’t end up pushing Ryeowook away and get defensive like last time. “I don’t like the sound of this.”

“I don’t like it either,” Ryeowook confesses. “I really don’t and it scares me because I don’t know if my feelings for him are entirely mutual.”

“What do you mean ?” Sungmin frowns.

“He never told me he loved me,” Ryeowook blurts out, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. “I know he cares a lot but… it still hurts when I tell him I love him and the only answer I get is basically the equivalent of ‘I know’.”

“Aw, Wookie,” Sungmin laments as he reaches out to take him in his arms to comfort him. He doesn’t really know what to say here, whether he should validate Ryeowook’s feelings or try to convince him that he’s just reading things between the lines that aren’t there, because he really doesn’t know what Jongwoon is like behind closed doors. He knows Kyuhyun told him they’re in love and it shows when you spend more than ten minutes with them but with what Ryeowook is telling him now and the fact that he’s _ crying _ over this, he’s doubting the veracity of Kyuhyun’s claims.

“I really love him, Sungmin,” Ryeowook sobs. “I’m so in love with him that it hurts sometimes but I don’t want to hurt like this.”

“I know,” Sungmin sighs apologetically as he rubs Ryeowook’s back and lets him cry onto his shoulder. “I get you. And I’ll be there for you no matter what happens, you know that, right ?”

Ryeowook nods after a moment. “I just feel like I’m going crazy and seeing things that aren’t there.”

“You’re not going crazy,” Sungmin assures him. “It’s normal to have doubts in situations like these, especially since—” the older man then stops dead in his tracks, realizing that he was about to make a huge fucking mistake. “No, nevermind. It’s not important.”

“No, say it,” Ryeowook encourages as he pulls away to look at Sungmin, who already looks guilty as hell and it only serves to peek Ryeowook’s curiosity even more, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons.

“It’s not going to help at all,” Sungmin defends. He’s very aware that he just gave himself away, but he really wanted to let Ryeowook know that he will regret it if he forces him to talk. The boy would insist either way, so he believes that a warning was needed.

“Saying that doesn’t help either,” Ryeowook argues. Fuck. He’s so on edge now.

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea,” Sungmin insists. “You should just… bring that up with Jongwoon. Tell him how you feel about this and hopefully clear up the misunderstanding if there is one.”

“I already told him multiple times that I didn’t like the fact that he’s so closed off,” Ryeowook counters again. “It didn’t work. So please, tell me. _ Especially since _ what ?”

“Ryeowook—”

“Look, you can’t make this worse than it is now,” Ryeowook continues. “Please.”

Sungmin lets out a long sigh of defeat. He really doesn’t want to do this, but leaving Ryeowook in the dark is probably going to make things worse—at least if he knows, he can bring that up with Jongwoon and get the confirmation he’s looking for instead of overthinking to the point of insanity.

“Isn’t… communication important in the type of relationship you have ?” Sungmin begins, hoping approaching it from that angle will minimize the damage, but he knows deep down that it’s just wishful thinking.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook confirms, a little confused. “Supposed to,” he then chuckles bitterly through the tears he’s trying to wipe away with the back of his hand.

“So the terms of your relationship have been laid out, right ? Like… what this is supposed to mean for the both of you.”

“You’re gonna have to be more precise because I don’t understand where you’re going with this,” Ryeowook tells him, sniffling.

“I just… remember how you took a long time answering me when I— God, I don’t want to say this,” Sungmin curses to himself. “You didn’t seem entirely sure of it when you told me this wasn’t a ‘no strings attached’ relationship between you, as if Jongwoon never told you if it was or not.”

A knife through the heart would’ve probably hurt less than hearing this, Ryeowook thinks, because Sungmin is fucking right in his assumption that Jongwoon never really went into detail about it when they started dating. All he can think about is the unconventional way Jongwoon asked him out, and it only serves to feed into his doubt, because in hindsight, Ryeowook realizes that there’s a huge difference between “will you be my boyfriend ?” and “do you want us to be exclusive ?”, as the former implies an actual romantic relationship while the latter only refers to them not seeking other sexual partners to fulfill their needs.

The pure shock and horror of this freezes him in place, accompanied by a long, drawn out moment of complete silence—he probably looks like a ghost right now, feeling as though his soul had just been forcefully ripped out of his body, and he forgets to breathe for a minute. All he can do is to brace himself for the embarrassment that will ensue when he inevitably starts having a panic attack, which he can feel approaching faster and closer with every second that passes.

But it doesn’t come. Instead, it’s like Ryeowook’s conscience just leaves him and forces his body to act on autopilot. He feels so empty and numb, and he isn’t entirely aware of what’s going on around him anymore, almost as if he were stuck in a dream; or rather, a nightmare in this case. It feels like he’s unable to feel any emotion while also being on the verge of breaking apart, and the next thing he knows, he’s making plans to get the hell out of there, away from this situation and out of danger, or at least somewhere he can feel the illusion of safety for the time being.

“I’m so fucking dumb,” Ryeowook breathes out, voice shaking in both anger and grief. “I should’ve… fuck.”

“Ryeowook ?” Sungmin calls out to his friend, worried by his sudden change of behavior. The tears on Ryeowook’s face seem to have doubled in volume, but he’s not hiccuping like he had before, and while he knew this would upset him, he hadn’t expected fury to come out of it.

“I—” Ryeowook stammers, empty gaze staring at an imaginary dot on the floor behind Sungmin. “I have to go, I think.”

“Ryeowook !” Sungmin shouts this time as he tries to grab his friend’s wrist when he gets up, but misses him by an inch. “I don’t think it’s a good idea—”

“I need to go,” Ryeowook presses. He’s completely dissociating, the giant black hole that swallowed up all feeling in his body and left him a hollow husk, and Sungmin thinks this is even more unnerving than seeing him bawl his eyes out over this. “I’m sorry.”

This unbearable, dreadful and contradictingly painful numbness follows Ryeowook all the way back home; his heart is heavy as he walks through the door, yet he can’t feel his heartbeat anymore, almost as if it had just stopped working and fell into his ribcage. This whole experience is so much worse than a panic attack. It makes him wish he could bang his head against the apartment door as he shuts it just so he can feel something other than this insufferable emptiness, but he doesn’t want to catch Jongwoon’s attention right now.

He doesn’t feel like speaking to him at all for the time being.

Unfortunately for him, the man had decided to settle on the kitchen counter to work, wanting to be there when Ryeowook would come back home; of course the _ one time _ he wished Jongwoon would’ve locked himself in his office, he went against it, because life seems to have a very twisted sense of humor Ryeowook cannot get behind.

“You’re already back ?” Jongwoon raises in question, a little surprised to see Ryeowook come back so quickly—it’s barely been an hour and a half since he left.

“Didn’t feel well,” Ryeowook grumbles as a reply as he beelines for the bedroom, really intent on avoiding Jongwoon for now.

“Is everything alright ?” Jongwoon frowns as he turns into his seat, alerted by the snappiness of Ryeowook’s voice. This isn’t normal. “Did something happen ?”

“Nothing happened,” Ryeowook denies as he gets to the bedroom door. “I’m just tired.”

Needless to say this does absolutely nothing to ease Jongwoon’s nerves, and his protective instincts jump in almost immediately. He can’t just let Ryeowook on his own like this, not when he looks so visibly upset and aggravated by something. He really fucking hates knowing his baby isn’t happy—and he’s been such a shitty boyfriend lately that he feels double the need to console him from whatever is troubling him to make up for it, at least as much as he can.

Getting to his feet, Jongwoon follows Ryeowook into the bedroom and catches him at the foot of the bed just _ staring _ at it aimlessly, and the man gets this unshakeable gut feeling that something truly is wrong here and it’s not just because Ryeowook is feeling tired or unwell. Something happened between him and Sungmin, he just _ knows _ it.

He gets his confirmation when he takes a step closer to hold the boy in his arms, only for Ryeowook to evade him completely and recoiling away and even refuses to look at him, instead opting to stare at his feet with an empty gaze and arms crossed in front of him, as though he was trying to protect himself from _ him_. From Jongwoon, who doesn’t understand anything that’s going on and is now getting upset too—things were finally getting back to normal this morning. What the hell could’ve happened to prompt such a sudden change in behavior ?

“Don’t,” Ryeowook shakes his head. There’s a tremble in his voice there, as if he were trying to hold back tears. “You’re just… You’re just gonna make things worse.”

Ryeowook doesn’t know what hurts him more between having to tell something like this to Jongwoon or the fact that he’s doubting him so much at the moment that it tears him apart from the inside; all he knows is that he’s crying again and that Jongwoon’s presence no longer brings the comfort he so desperately needs right now. He’s disoriented and terrified, but mostly in pain, and he just wants to go to sleep so he can no longer be conscious of all of this. Or better yet, wake up from this horrific nightmare and realize that none of this is real, that he’s just been imagining Hyukjae all this time and everything that happened after his unwanted visit was just that, a nightmare, and that he and Jongwoon were still okay.

“Baby, what’s going on ?” Jongwoon questions—he’s heartbroken too, but he’s trying his best to set that aside to focus on Ryeowook. “Talk to me.”

Jongwoon tries to reach out to cup his face and get the boy to look at him, but Ryeowook backs away again, though this time he does meet his gaze with an angry one. Jongwoon is so fucking lost.

“I told you not to touch me,” Ryeowook snaps, shocking Jongwoon so much that the man takes a step back.

“I just… want to know what happened,” Jongwoon explains in a soft yet broken voice. He doesn’t understand why Ryeowook is mad at him, but whatever it may be, he’s already feeling guilty about it, and it’s excruciating. “Did I do something wrong ?”

“No, everything is fucking fine,” Ryeowook snarls. For some reason, that question infuriated him so much that he couldn’t stop himself from going off on Jongwoon. The man should fucking know what the hell he’s doing wrong given how many times he’s fucking _ told him_.

“If this is about how I’ve neglected you this week, I truly am sor—”

“It’s not _ just _ because of that !” Ryeowook raises his voice without wanting to, but the bomb’s been ticked off and there’s no going back for him now. He’s got too much on his heart—too much that he’s been carrying for so long, and he can’t hold it back anymore. He just can’t.

“Is it…” Jongwoon’s voice cracks again, forcing him to lower the volume almost to a whisper. It hurts to just think of what he’s about to say before he even opens his mouth to speak. “It’s because of Hyukjae, isn’t it ?”

“Given that’s where things started going wrong between us, I’m _ pretty sure _ this is because of him,” Ryeowook accuses. “You’ve been so fucking distant since then and you refuse to talk to me. How do you think that makes me feel ?!”

“That has nothing to do with Hyukjae,” Jongwoon defends. Ryeowook’s accusations hurt like a bitch because they’re completely untrue; he’s been trying to get closer to the boy since, but Ryeowook kept pushing him away and doubting him this whole time when all he did was to do his best to assure him that he was the only one that mattered to him and even kept repeating it. He has no idea where he’s getting this from.

“What is it, then ?” Ryeowook throws at him. “Is it because I couldn’t give you what you wanted ? Did I suddenly become boring to you ?”

“What..?” Jongwoon breathes out, now even more confused and in pain. He’s starting to get overwhelmed from discovering just how much Ryeowook doesn’t trust him, and despite the fact that he still thinks this is because he massively failed somewhere along the line, he feels incredibly betrayed by this. “Where did you get that from ?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Ryeowook retorts sarcastically. “One thing goes wrong during sex and suddenly you fucking disappear and turn me down but the minute you get your dick sucked, everything goes back to normal—what else am I supposed to think ?!”

As if everything Ryeowook has said so far didn’t already hurt like hell, this one just makes Jongwoon feel like he’s been run over by a steamroller until every bone in his body was shattered into dust. It’s like his entire world is crumbling and all that’s left is a cold, menacing darkness surrounding him, and it’s so suffocating that Jongwoon thinks, for an instant, that this is what death must feel like.

“I just… I just don’t know what the hell I am to you,” Ryeowook chokes on his sobs. “And I don’t think I can go on not knowing much longer.”

“I thought… I thought you said I always made you feel safe and cared for,” Jongwoon brings up, though he’s no longer sure if it’s a good argument given he feels like he’s been lied to for a long time now. “You said this is what you wanted and made you feel good, so I don’t understand—”

“I did,” Ryeowook concedes. “And I do mean it, but do you know how much it hurts when I tell you I love you and you just… try to deflect and avoid it like the plague ? It just makes me think this is one-sided so I don’t know what I can trust anymore. I know you keep saying that actions speak louder than words but it’s hard to trust you when I don’t even know what your actions are supposed to speak for. Especially when you _ know _ your silence hurts me. So all I’m left to think is that you’re doing it on purpose, for whatever reason. I wouldn’t know, since you never tell me anything.”

“I—”

Jongwoon is unable to finish his sentence. It’s too fucking hard to breathe and his words get stuck in his throat. He should’ve known. He should’ve listened to himself and get the fuck out of there when he still had time—he knew that time would come. He knew all of it was nothing but ephemeral happiness and the illusion would fade away someday and that he would be his fault. And he knew it would hurt.

Just not this much.

He knows Ryeowook is making valid points, but it’s that last part that cuts through him like a sword, because no matter how much he could fuck up, he doesn’t understand how Ryeowook could even think he’d ever hurt him on purpose. Not when he kept telling him he felt safe with him, not when he kept telling him he trusted him—it just leaves Jongwoon to think about how long he’s been lied to; how long he’s been living yet another lie and how many signs he’s been ignoring because he didn’t want to end up hurting again.

“I’m so— _ fuck_,” Jongwoon pants heavily. He has to hold himself up on the dresser next to him before he completely loses balance, vision completely blurred out by the tears that are now freely rolling down his cheeks.

Despite having gone through this multiple times before, heartbreak is a type of pain that’s so out of this world that Jongwoon will never be able to accurately describe it; a thousand knives cutting through his skin is the closest thing to it, but even that seems too tame. There’s just nothing like it.

It’s Jongwoon ragged breathing that bring Ryeowook back to his senses, and the realization of what just happened hits him like a fucking truck—he was angry and still is, but he went way too far and he knows that now that he sees just how much Jongwoon is freaking out. He’s thrown so many baseless accusations at him amongst the ones he considered to me legitimate that he’s doubting if _ any _ of it ever made any logical sense, and he’s aware now that doubting Jongwoon’s feelings for him to _ that _ extent is just unreasonable. He was just so fucking hurt that it clouded his judgement and he ended up being so needlessly mean to him because of that.

And he feels so fucking horrible about it, because Jongwoon wouldn’t be reacting this way if he truly didn’t care about him.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Ryeowook scrambles to apologize, crying heavily. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Why would you..?” Jongwoon struggles to speak. “Why would you ever think I would hurt you ?”

“I don’t !” Ryeowook denies. He knows he’s not very convincing given he literally just said the opposite three minutes ago, but he’s too caught up in his desperate search for forgiveness to truly stop to think about it. “I don’t, it’s just— Sungmin told me things that messed me up and—”

“And you believed him..?” Jongwoon croaks, looking at the boy through teary eyes in complete disbelief. This just makes things worse.

Not only would Ryeowook distrust and doubt him, he’d take the words of someone who once tried to break them apart over his, and that Jongwoon has a much harder time coping with.

“Jongwoon…” Ryeowook tries to take a hold of him, to reach out and try to mend things, but Jongwoon involuntarily flinches away as though he were scared that Ryeowook’s touch would hurt him.

“I just…” Jongwoon breathes jerkily. “I need to be alone right now.”

“You—”

“Please,” Jongwoon practically begs him then. It sounds like it hurts him to plead like this.

Even if he doesn’t want to leave him on his own, Ryeowook understands that there’s nothing he can do to make him feel better and make amends at this point. With a completely shattered heart, the boy just nods at Jongwoon’s request before reluctantly making his way to the exit, and all Jongwoon can do is let himself fall on his butt on the floor when his legs give in the moment he hears the door click shut behind Ryeowook, too weak and too hurt to go back on his word and stop him no matter how much he wants to.

He doesn’t want Ryeowook to leave him, but it seems like it really was inevitable, in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE DO NOT K-WORD ME I AM SORRY OK


	20. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sweats nervously in author who hasn't uploaded in 2 months]  
So, hum... hi everyone ? I wanted to preface this by pulling a fanfic author™ on you and apologize for how long this took me to write lol. If I don't count [Kyuhyun's bonus chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937342), this took me over two months to write, beating Chapter 7's record for the longest hiatus between two chapters by a whole 9 days (67 days, 49 if I count Sow). It started with me failing to wake up to write (I wake up at 2AM everyday or at least try to but it's been hard lately for some reason) 1/2 times and ended with me having to delete about 10k words to start over from scratch because what I wrote was just straight up garbage, so... yeah. This chapter was a mess
> 
> It's also like 70% Heechul, so I hope you don't mind that ahahah
> 
> Oh, also, in case you haven't read [Sow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937342) (yes I know I mentioned it twice already) and don't know who Qian is, it's Victoria Song from f(x)—Qian is her Chinese name. I'll put a disclaimer here to let you know that you do not have to read Sow to understand what happens in this chapter—Sow is just a bonus where you'll get to see KyuQian being absolute saps (and the worst) and coming for YeWook's spot as the most disgusting couple in Playtime, but it doesn't have any impact on the actual plot of Playtime's main story
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this chapter even if it's a little different from the rest of the story~
> 
> As always, a big fat thanks to [Pau](http://twitter.com/SJpyeongpyeong) for helping me through this writing journey and [follow me on Twitter](http://twitter.com/domjwoon) for updates and bad jokes, I'm about to hit 2,000 followers there and when/if I do I'll write a one shot to celebrate (feel free to DM me for special requests)
> 
> Have a nice day !!

Sungmin throws his phone down on the couch with a defeated sigh when he hears Ryeowook’s voicemail message roll for the third time in a row, following suit by letting himself fall onto his back next to it. He’s worried sick, but mostly very confused about Ryeowook’s sudden outburst—it’s not like his friend to just storm out of the apartment like that. He honestly didn’t mean to fuck up like he did, or at least thinks he did, because if he’s to be honest, he has no fucking clue what just happened aside from Ryeowook being clearly upset about some things regarding his relationship with Jongwoon.

Which just makes it worse for him, because as much as he’s tried to understand their relationship better and respect it for Ryeowook’s sake, he still has problems trusting the guy and his gut keeps telling him that there’s something very wrong here; he just doesn’t know what it is yet.

Staring at the ceiling only seems to amplify this dread tugging at his stomach, he eventually finds out, and sooner than later, he’s back at square one and pacing around the room aimlessly. Ryeowook is going to give him premature grey hairs, he’s sure of it. Sungmin’s always been the type of person to worry excessively over nothing in general, but he finds that it’s worse when it comes to his friend given everything that happened to him, from his abusive stepfather to the bullying and the questionable hookups that almost always went wrong. Ryeowook has a knack for hanging around the wrong people, whether it’s on purpose or not. He guesses this is why he dislikes Jongwoon so much, even now.

Better be safe than sorry. But in that case, he’s being both safe _ and _ sorry. Sungmin can’t fool himself into believing he didn’t do anything wrong; he knows he fucked up, even if it wasn’t on purpose. And though he still strongly believes Jongwoon to be shady—in a different way than before, but still shady—he’s also aware that causing turmoil and plant the seeds of doubt into Ryeowook’s mind like he inadvertently ended up doing will prove devastating for his friend due to the intensity of his feelings for his boyfriend.

But seeing how things went down, he doesn’t expect Ryeowook to go back home to Jongwoon and be able to pretend as though nothing happened, and he has no fucking clue how he’s supposed to fix this mess, even if part of him doesn’t want to even try. Ryeowook and Jongwoon have been experiencing problems for a little while now, or at least that’s what he got from his conversation with Ryeowook earlier, so it’s not like it’s entirely his fault either.

He _ does _ feel like a shitty friend for thinking this way, though.

Getting a little desperate, Sungmin reaches out for his phone once again, his first reflex being to call Kyuhyun for help. As annoying as it can often be for him, his friend has always been much better at compartmentalizing and offering a more objective point of view in delicate situations like these, lately especially so. On top of that, Kyuhyun has actually spent some time with the both of them, much more than _ he _ has, so his insight might unfortunately prove quite valuable right now.

The only thing is, as he’s about to press on the call button on Kyuhyun’s contact profile, Sungmin is painfully reminded that the guy is busy, and as tempting as cockblocking him and his girlfriend—whoever this mystery girl is, Sungmin is absolutely convinced that they are more than just friends—sounds, he’s scared that Kyuhyun may want to get revenge and pull the same thing on him and Saeun, and it’s honestly the last thing he wants. It’s already difficult to do anything with her when they’re alone. He can’t imagine the disaster it would be if _ Cho Kyuhyun _ decided to stick his nose into his business on top of that.

And, just like that, he’s back at square one, pacing around the room frantically and hanging on to the hope that maybe, _ just maybe _ Ryeowook would call him and tell him where he’s run off to, but he knows it’s very unlikely. He assumes the boy has gone back to Jongwoon’s place since he’s got nowhere else to go, and Ryeowook doesn’t tend to be very talkative when he’s alone with Jongwoon. He’d be lucky just to get a text message right as he’s about to go to bed tonight.

With his nerves already in a frenzy, Sungmin jumps in surprise when he hears the loud banging of a car door being shut, the sound only slightly muffled by the window facing the street. In a compulsatory manner, he walks up to the window to check up on who’s just startled him, immediately spotting a familiar form standing on the sidewalk as the cab drives away—Ryeowook, he instantly recognizes as the boy stays there motionless, staring intently at the window of the apartment, but showing no signs of planning to even get inside to shelter himself from the rain.

Confused, but mostly extremely concerned, Sungmin doesn’t think twice about bolting out of the apartment, not even bothering to change out of his indoor slippers to put his shoes on and nearly paying the price of that choice when he almost trips into the staircase as he hurries down to the first floor.

“Ryeowook !” Sungmin yells as he slams the front door of the apartment complex open. “What are you doing here ? You’ll get sick if you stay there !”

The sound of the rain tapping on the leaves from the trees lined up on the side of the street and the car roofs almost cancel out the sound of his voice, and Sungmin believes that Ryeowook can’t even hear him because the boy isn’t giving him any indication that he’s aware of his presence at all. Taking a deep breath, Sungmin steps outside, shivering at the icy contact of the droplets on his skin, deciding that if Ryeowook refuses to even budge, his only option left is to drag him inside himself, even if that means getting drenched too.

“Ryeowook ?” Sungmin calls again as he reaches his friend, placing a hand on his shoulder to bring him back from his trance-like state.

Ryeowook blinks at him; he honestly looks like he’s just woken up from a dream and has no idea where he is—his gaze is lifeless, the usual glimmer shining in his eyes now gone, almost exactly like how they’d looked when he left earlier, but this time failing at concealing this raw, awful sadness threatening to explode, and it’s so intense that it shakes Sungmin to the core. The older boy has always been very sensitive to other people’s emotions, and it’s worse in cases like Ryeowook, when he’s known the person for such a long time that he can practically read them like an open book. It can be both a blessing and a curse, honestly.

Ryeowook opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out of it, and he gives up on trying to tell Sungmin what just happened very quickly. Sungmin doesn’t pry—they aren’t exactly in the best position to have meaningful conversations right now.

“Let’s go inside and then you can tell me what happened,” Sungmin suggests, and after earning a small nod from Ryeowook, he carefully drags the boy inside without another word.

Ryeowook is heavy on his feet and offers some resistance, but Sungmin doesn’t think it’s intentional; it’s just like the younger boy’s body is completely frozen still and he’s too out of it to have any control over it.

They’re both completely drenched by the time they get inside the building, and they have to be careful not to slip on the puddles on the white tiled floor as they take the stairs to the second floor where their apartment is. Sungmin keeps a close eye on Ryeowook the whole time—he finds it strange that his friend, under all his sorrow, seems to be just as shocked and confused as he is. It’s like he doesn’t quite understand what’s happening to him himself, and it only serves to amplify Sungmin’s concern.

He’s never seen Ryeowook like that. He’s never seen anything even remotely close to it.

With a simple nod in acknowledgement, Sungmin gets Ryeowook to wait for him in the hallway beside the door as they walk into their apartment while he goes to retrieve some towels. After kicking off his slippers, not wanting to cover his newly clean floor with muddy footprints, he beelines for the bathroom, doing as fast as he can to avoid leaving Ryeowook on his own for too long. The boy’s been gone for a while—a little over three hours, he _ counted_—and the fact that he came back to _ him _ instead of Jongwoon and even more messed up than when he’d left tells him something very wrong has happened during that time.

With a worried but comforting little smile, brows furrowed in question, Sungmin hands one of the towels over to Ryeowook, who grabs it from him hesitantly. The boy doesn’t even look at him, instead staring at an invisible dot on the floor, and the way he moves when he rubs the towel on his head looks mechanical, almost like a robot functioning on autopilot.

“Wanna tell me what happened ?” Sungmin prompts softly as he takes the towel back from Ryeowook’s hands once he’s done with it.

Ryeowook initially doesn’t know what he can answer to that. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell him what happened; it’s that he _ can’t_, because he has no clue how he can even begin to explain the situation to Sungmin. He and Jongwoon fought, that was for sure, but the rest of it remains a mystery to him. He’s not even sure if he can call this a break up, since it’s not like Jongwoon asked him to leave forever—just that he needed to be alone for a bit, and he was the one who decided to just walk out in the end.

The thought of them breaking up because of him, however angry he may be still, absolutely shatters him, and instead of giving Sungmin the information he seeks, Ryeowook just ends up breaking into tears. It comes as a sudden wave hitting him harder than he would’ve expected, but it’s not like he could’ve prepared for it in the first place. He didn’t see it coming.

And Sungmin didn’t either, if the panic on his face when Ryeowook starts sobbing uncontrollably is anything to go by.

“Woah,” Sungmin sputters as he leans forward to catch Ryeowook in his arms—it’s probably the only thing he can do at the moment. “We should… we should probably sit down for a moment.” That last part was mostly meant for himself rather than for Ryeowook, but the boy seems to agree with this idea, or at least he’s much more compliant when Sungmin leads him toward the couch than he’d been earlier when he had to drag him inside the apartment building.

Ryeowook is clinging to him, crying into his already damp shirt, when they settle down on the couch. It’s a bit uncomfortable to be so close to someone in that situation, but Sungmin is in no position to complain, not when one of his best friends is in utter distress like that, and the fact that he doesn’t know how to make Ryeowook feel better is exponentially more uncomfortable and alarming than that.

“It’s okay,” Sungmin whispers. It’s clearly not okay, but he’s at a loss for words right now. “Take your time. You don’t have to talk if you’re not ready or if you don’t want to.”

The relief that washes over Ryeowook with that affirmation only lasts for a very brief moment, unfortunately. While he appreciates that Sungmin isn’t pressuring him to give out the details, the fact that he even asked to know what happened forces him to relive the earlier events that lead to this and the betrayal, heartbreak, anger, frustration, confusion and pain he’d felt then come back to the surface, which only worsens his heartache. The knot in his stomach is so large that he can sense how hard his body is working to physically reject it, causing him to get extremely nauseous, a feeling that is only amplified by his now blurry vision and lightheadedness creeping up on him, slowly but surely.

He’s going to be sick, he’s sure of it.

“I didn’t mean for it to end like this,” Ryeowook blurts out, but his discombobulated speech is constantly interrupted by his sobs, making it very challenging for Sungmin to even piece everything together enough to understand anything at all. “It wasn’t supposed to—”

Ryeowook has to give up on trying to even get words to come out of his mouth there. This isn’t leading anywhere and there’s no way he can manage to form coherent thoughts when his mind is filled with the thick fog of grief.

_ Grief. _ That’s what it feels like to him, because although it has never been explicitly stated by either him or Jongwoon, it still feels like he’s lost something important, something that he held dear to his heart, in that fight; even if they do manage to fix this mess, he knows that it will never be the same between the two of them. Standing completely in the dark about just how drastically different it’ll be—not knowing if it’ll come at a cost he’s not willing to pay—is horrifying enough, but the thought that in the worst case scenario he’s losing Jongwoon altogether is even more chilling and so painful that he doesn’t even think there is a word to describe it.

Yet, despite that, Ryeowook doesn’t regret bringing up his issues with Jongwoon because it was long overdue and they truly needed to address them; it’s the way he went about it that he feels guilty about. If he’d waited it out just a little bit longer, things may have been much different—Jongwoon was usually very understanding and never berated him for this sort of stuff, but he’d been so unnecessarily mean to him that the point he was trying to make got lost in translation. He knew trust was important to Jongwoon, and he deliberately broke it by accusing him of hurting him on purpose in vain hopes that it would get the man to speak, and he can only see in hindsight how fucking dumb of an idea that was.

It just hurt so fucking much that even after he’d laid his heart out on the table, Jongwoon _ still _ wasn’t able to tell him he loved him—_that_, coupled with all the secrets and mixed signals the man kept giving him, is what made him snap. And though he knows Jongwoon didn’t _ mean _ to hurt him, he still _ did_, and that was all Ryeowook could see at the peak of his anger.

The worst part of it all is that Ryeowook never got his answer concerning what he meant to him in the end. Seeing how things are now, there’s a good chance he never will.

No, scratch that; the worst part of it all is that despite how upset he still is, Ryeowook can’t help but think that if Jongwoon were there, he’d be able to chase this pain away and to comfort him even if he was the stem of their problems. It’s always been this way, from the moment they met, and it was one of the many reasons Ryeowook has never been able to stay mad at the man for very long. Being buried in Jongwoon’s arms never failed to make him feel safe and give him reassurance that they’re going to be okay, and it’s extremely disorienting to not have him there this time around when he needs him now more than ever.

The thought that he may never be able to experience this sense of security and warmth absolutely shatters him, and despite how much he cares for and loves Sungmin, his friend’s embrace feels so cold and empty that it only amplifies his pain.

His hold around Sungmin’s waist tightens as a subconscious way to desperately seek that warmth, but his efforts are in vain.

“I already miss him,” Ryeowook hiccups, voice barely above a whisper.

Sungmin frowns in concern, the gears in his mind spinning a mile a minute and almost overheating as he tries to figure out what the hell Ryeowook is on about with what little information he has, which is basically none because he still has no fucking idea what his friend did in the three hours that he was gone. The only conclusion he can draw is that he’s talking about Jongwoon, but it still makes no sense to him that Ryeowook would talk about missing him when it hasn’t even been half a day since he’s last seen him, or why he didn’t just go to Jongwoon for comfort instead of coming back here.

Unless he actually did, but Sungmin doesn’t see how it could’ve ended with—oh. Oh fuck. Nevermind. He thinks he has a good lead now after further reflection, and he doesn’t like that one bit.

Sungmin is almost embarrassed at the stupidly long time it took him to figure out what happened. He thinks he should’ve known right away that something happened between Ryeowook and Jongwoon; it was their conversation about the man that got Ryeowook to storm off without explanation, after all, and it’s the only thing he can think of that could’ve affected his friend to such a degree.

“Are you…” Sungmin trails off hesitantly. He can tell Ryeowook wants to talk about it if his efforts to speak up despite how hard it must be for him is enough proof, but he’s a little unsure about whether or not he should try to approach this gently or jump straight into the heart of the problem. “Are you talking about… Jongwoon..?”

Ryeowook’s sobs double at the mention of Jongwoon’s name—it’s so fucking damaging to him to think about the man right now, but it’s not like he can focus on anything else. It’s too fresh in his mind for that.

Unable to give Sungmin a verbal answer, Ryeowook finds the energy he didn’t even think he had to nod against his shoulder.

“Did you guys have an argument ?” Sungmin continues his interrogation, his cautiousness now getting tossed to the side by his growing anger at the realization that whatever it is that went down between them, Jongwoon ended up hurting Ryeowook, and _ that _ he can’t let pass.

“It hasn’t even been two hours yet and I already fucking miss him,” Ryeowook repeats, completely ignoring Sungmin’s question for his own sake. Sungmin can’t tell if Ryeowook is speaking out of sadness, anger, regret, cynicism or bitterness—it’s probably a mix of all five. “How the hell am I supposed to cope with _ forever_..?”

“Forever ?” Sungmin catches on. His brain is overworking itself so hard to find out what the hell is going on that he’s now stuck with a stress headache. “Did… did you guys…”

Sungmin isn’t able to complete his sentence, but it’s clear from Ryeowook’s cries growing louder and more intense that the boy figured it out already, and Sungmin’s heart breaks into pieces. To him, Ryeowook’s reaction can be nothing but a confirmation that yes, they did indeed break up, and while Sungmin wasn’t very fond of Jongwoon and believes that the man never deserved Ryeowook, he can’t feel anything but sympathy towards his friend because he knows just how much he loved Jongwoon. He can’t even begin to imagine Ryeowook’s pain right now.

Even with all the efforts he’s put to be more understanding and accepting of Ryeowook’s and Jongwoon’s relationship, Sungmin was never able to warm up to the guy. He was only ever nice to him in the brief instances where they got to interact after they’d ‘settled’—and he uses that word very liberally—their differences for Ryeowook’s sake. He’d learn the cost of openly opposing their relationship the hard way, and he didn’t want to lose his friend, especially not to someone like _ Jongwoon_.

He did try to give the guy a chance, but he was never able to push away the strange and unsettling vibes he got from him. There was just something wrong with the man, and it seems like his initial impression that Jongwoon might just be using Ryeowook for sex proved to be true, or at least from what he can understand from this whole mess. Ryeowook had begun to freak out after he’d told him that Jongwoon never said that he loved him and that the terms of their relationship were never officially set nor stated, after all, so he doesn’t know what the hell else to assume.

“Oh no, Wookie, I’m so sorry,” Sungmin empathizes, tightening his grip around the boy and giving his back soothing rubs.

The rational side of Ryeowook is telling him that he should correct Sungmin and let him know that they haven’t broken up, at least not officially, but that little voice of reason gets trampled by all the negative emotions bottling up inside of him, and it’s soon replaced by _ what ifs _ and _ what now_—Jongwoon isn’t here to put a stop to this, to assure him that they’ll be fine or to console him, and that’s something he’s no longer used to. He’s grown to depend on his boyfriend for this sort of thing, because it’s the only way he was ever able to calm down when his insecurities and worries got the better of him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Sungmin shushes him when the boy starts trembling. His own heart rate is rapidly picking up; he usually isn’t _ terrible _ at comforting people, but the closer they are to him, the more likely he is to put too much stress on himself to do things right that he starts to panic too, which is definitely what’s happening right now. “I know it hurts right now and that’s perfectly normal, but you’re strong—you’ll get through this, I’m sure of it. It’ll take some time but you’ll move on. I’ll be there to support you in the meantime.”

Though Ryeowook is aware that Sungmin only has good intentions and he truly appreciates the fact that his friend is trying, this is just about the worst thing he could’ve told him in that moment. Because no, it’s not okay, it _ won’t _ be okay, and the idea of having to move on and potentially settle for someone who _ isn’t _ Jongwoon is utterly repulsive to him. He doesn’t want someone else. He just doesn’t want a relationship where he’s constantly being kept in the dark and pushed to question the feelings his boyfriend has for him because he won’t give him that security.

He wants _ them _ to work out but he doesn’t know if there’s any point in hanging on to hope anymore, because this is not the first time he’s brought that up with Jongwoon and nothing truly ever changed in the end.

“I know it’s difficult, but if you were unhappy with him…” Sungmin trails off.

“I wasn’t unhappy,” Ryeowook refutes through his incessant cries. “It… it felt right for me. Everything just started going wrong when his stupid ex got—”

_ ‘Got in the way’ _ is what he means to say, but for what feels like the millionth time today, he’s unable to finish his sentence thanks to his uncontrollable sobbing which only seems to get worse the more this goes on. It almost feels like a curse to Ryeowook, because on top of having to deal with the pain of a potential break up with someone he loves so dearly, the memory of Jongwoon completely freezing in place before breaking into a panic instead of _ just telling him he loves him _ is playing on a loop in his mind and adding more than just salt to the wound.

This is why he never did relationships. It was already painful enough to get thrown out after a one night stand, and it’s not like he even had any expectations of those encounters leading to something else. Jongwoon somehow managed to convince him that this was worth a try, but Ryeowook isn’t so sure about that anymore.

Seeing as nothing he does seems to lead anywhere, Sungmin begins to panic, too. He’s completely out of options and Ryeowook only seems to grow even more devastated no matter what he does, even if he’s just staying there in silence as he holds him. The boy is shaking, and every time it looks like he’s done crying, the sobbing just doubles in volume out of nowhere and Sungmin definitely isn’t equipped to deal with this sort of stuff.

Saeun’s performance anxiety is nothing compared to this.

“Do you want me to call Kyuhyun ?” Sungmin then asks, though he’s doing it more for himself than for Ryeowook—and given he gets no answer from the boy, he guesses that he might not even have heard him or registered what he’s just said at all.

Kyuhyun is even worse than him at offering support, but at least his friend can manage to remain calm, which is definitely something Sungmin can’t pull off at the moment and he reckons that his current frenzy can’t do anything good to Ryeowook.

“I’m gonna call him,” Sungmin announces, figuring that he’s got nothing to lose at this point—it’s not like Kyuhyun can make this worse than it already is.

However, if he’s to be honest, Sungmin doesn’t even expect Kyuhyun to pick up at all. His friend is probably desperately trying to get laid at the moment, and he’s probably not going to put that aside just to answer what he’ll most likely think is a benign call from him. It’s not like Kyuhyun has any reason to suspect any of this has happened while he was gone.

He’s about to hang up on the third ring, expecting to be directed to voicemail, when Kyuhyun catches him off guard by picking up his phone, and it’s enough to make Sungmin stammer a little—he’s now realizing that he’s rather unprepared and has no clue how to even bring up the situation to Kyuhyun, but it’s too late for regrets now.

“What’s wrong ?” Kyuhyun immediately asks—Sungmin is much more the type to spam texts whenever there’s an emergency, so the fact that he’s calling him is alarming to say the least.

“It’s—” Sungmin blurts out despite his efforts to remain calm. “I don’t think I can explain this over the phone.” More like he doesn’t know how to, because he’s not sure he even understands everything fully and he’d rather not have Kyuhyun make assumptions on his way here that could lead to a misunderstanding. “Can you come home ?”

“Huh…” Kyuhyun hesitates for a bit. “Sure, but can I at least have an idea of what’s going on ?”

“It’s Ryeowook,” Sungmin exhales.

“What about him ?” Kyuhyun questions. Sungmin can hear some movement in the background—his friend has probably already gotten to his feet the moment he heard Ryeowook’s name.

“I think he and Jongwoon just broke up,” Sungmin stutters. Despite what he’s told Ryeowook, he’s not sure himself that their break up was official; the way Ryeowook spoke about it made it seem like it was put on hold rather than an actual split, but the mention of having to deal with this heartbreak for _ forever _ really throws him off.

“They _ what _ ?” Kyuhyun exclaims in utter shock. “But wait, wasn’t he supposed to be with you all afternoon ?”

“He was,” Sungmin confirms painfully. “But he left suddenly and then— Look, it’s really complicated, but he’s inconsolable right now and he asked me to call you.” That last part is a lie, but he’s desperate. It’s not like Ryeowook would deny it.

“Fuck,” Kyuhyun curses. “Tell him I’m coming.”

“Please hurry,” Sungmin pleads before Kyuhyun hangs up on him.

Sungmin is already by the door when Kyuhyun pulls up into the driveway. He’s spent the last fifteen minutes obsessively staring out the window with his eyes glued to the street below, and the minute he spotted Kyuhyun’s car around the corner, he was out in the hallway outside of their apartment, waiting for his friend to climb up the stairs and come to his aid.

Although Ryeowook had gone mostly silent aside from the occasional sniffling, he hadn’t stopped crying even for a second, and not being able to do anything about it nearly drove him insane.

He’s so focused on getting Ryeowook to feel better that he doesn’t notice that Kyuhyun didn’t come alone until he’s urging him inside—but, in his defense, she was almost completely hidden behind Kyuhyun’s much larger frame—and she gets dragged along with him. Sungmin stays puzzled for a moment and ends up staring at this girl for such a long time that it’s almost inappropriate, though she doesn’t seem to pay it any mind.

Sungmin can guess that she’s most likely Kyuhyun’s girlfriend—his friend may keep denying it, but Sungmin will continue to believe she is—but he doesn’t know anything beyond that. He can’t even tell if he’s ever seen her before on campus.

In any case, the fact that Kyuhyun didn’t even bother to spare two seconds to introduce her to him before tending to Ryeowook makes things very awkward, but he can’t really blame him for the oversight under those circumstances.

“I, huh…” Sungmin hesitates, deciding that at least introducing himself to her would be better than just standing there watching Kyuhyun hold Ryeowook against him and rubs at his back in complete silence. “I’m sorry if I ruined your evening.”

“It’s not that much more horrifying than the movie we were watching,” she awkwardly jokes in an attempt to lighten up the mood a little.

Something Kyuhyun would also do, Sungmin notes.

“I’m Qian, by the way,” she then introduces herself, slowly bowing to him.

“Kyuhyun’s girlfriend, right ?” Sungmin assumes. “I’m Sungmin.”

“Is that what he told you ?” Qian raises an eyebrow, the shadow of a smirk ghosting over her lips.

This does nothing to answer Sungmin’s question, but he decides not to pry further for the time being. He doesn’t feel comfortable making small talk so casually when his friend is on the verge of falling apart.

“Can you tell me what happened ?” Kyuhyun turns over to Sungmin as he gently starts rocking Ryeowook back and forth in an attempt to soothe him. He doesn’t want to force the boy to recall the events himself, not when he has him crying into his shoulder like that.

The awkward four-hour phone call he had with Jongwoon when he was driving all the way down to Gimhae comes in handy now, because even if he doesn’t have a clue what to say right now, he knows at the very least what to do to get Ryeowook to calm down, even if it’s just by a little.

“We were just talking,” Sungmin explains, trying his best to give as much detail while omitting the part where he was the one who planted the seed of doubt into Ryeowook’s mind in the first place. He will eventually own up to it. Just not now when Ryeowook is there. “He opened up about some of the issues he was experiencing with Jongwoon, but everything was mostly okay until it… wasn’t. I honestly can’t tell you what happened. He just completely shut down all of a sudden and left in a hurry. When he came back, he told me he and Jongwoon broke up.”

“What were you guys talking about _ exactly _ ?” Kyuhyun presses. He has a feeling Sungmin is hiding something from him from the way he’s balancing on his feet, kind of like a child who’s trying to deny breaking something to avoid getting scolded.

“He said he was doubting Jongwoon’s feelings for him,” Sungmin details.

Ryeowook chokes on his sobs upon hearing those words, his heart tightening in his chest and threatening to burst into even tinier pieces than it already is.

“What ? Why ?” Kyuhyun reacts, completely puzzled, gaze shifting from Sungmin to Ryeowook in disbelief.

“He, hum…” Sungmin trails off. He’s not sure he wants to speak this out loud and cause Ryeowook to sob louder. “He thought the way Jongwoon showed affection was confusing ?” he supposes, going off of how he interpreted Ryeowook telling him that while he knows Jongwoon cares, the fact that he never told him he loved him really bothered him. “Because Jongwoon never talked about his feelings for him.”

“Is that true ?” Kyuhyun checks, turning his attention back to Ryeowook, but he never gets a clear response from him.

Kyuhyun lets out a heavy sigh. This whole situation is starting to give him a headache. He’s definitely gotten better at _ empathizing_, thanks to his feelings for Qian connecting him to his more emotional side—not that he’ll ever say this out loud, he’s too proud for that—but it doesn’t mean that he’s suddenly comfortable handling these situations. It’s too stressful for his usually carefree mind.

“I can’t speak for Jongwoon, obviously,” Kyuhyun begins, fighting back his urge to just walk out of this situation by forcing Ryeowook to go back to Jongwoon’s place so they can talk this out for once. “But even I can tell the guy doesn’t just see you as just a casual date, or whatever it is you may think he sees you as if it’s less than an actual boyfriend. I don’t know what got you to feel this way, but if it’s _ only _ because he doesn’t talk about it out loud, then you’re worrying over nothing.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little strange, though ?” Sungmin interjects, words escaping him before he even realizes what he’s doing. Kyuhyun’s behavior is irking him, even if he knows his friend is only trying his best to console Ryeowook—in Sungmin’s mind, he’s practically telling Ryeowook that he overreacted, and the fact that he’s defending _ Jongwoon _ out of all people annoys him. “Especially with the type of relationship they had ?”

Kyuhyun turns to him, initially confused by Sungmin’s question, but his expression quickly shifts to suspicious because his tone of voice sounds too accusatory for his inquiry to only come from a place of curiosity.

“Is that what you told him ?” Kyuhyun squints at him in disbelief. He’s almost offended on Jongwoon’s behalf.

Sungmin’s silence and the guilt momentarily shaping his expression is more than enough to answer his question.

“Jesus Christ, Sungmin,” Kyuhyun curses despite him. “If that’s what you told him, no fucking wonder he started freaking out.”

The thought that Sungmin may have done this on purpose crosses his mind then. He’s been aware that his friend’s been faking his sudden openness to Jongwoon and the nature of his relationship with Ryeowook this entire time because he didn’t want to lose Ryeowook, and though it sounds very out of character for him to go _ that _ far, it’s not like it’s the first time Sungmin hasn’t acted like himself when it came to Kim Jongwoon.

He did threaten and almost _ punched _ the guy on college grounds, after all.

Kyuhyun doesn’t like that he’s entertaining this idea, however. He doesn’t know how he’ll react if this is actually the case—he’s already getting aggravated enough as it is right now.

“Why does it have to be solely my fault ?” Sungmin exclaims defensively. “They were already experiencing problems before, so Jongwoon is to blame in all of this much more than I am. He’s the one who broke Ryeowook’s heart, yet somehow, it’s _ him _ you’re defending.”

“Yeah, because I actually spent time with the guy and talked to him instead of getting my information off of generic and misleading blog posts I found on the Internet,” Kyuhyun criticizes.

“What else was I supposed to do ?”

“I don’t know, maybe listen and trust what Ryeowook was telling you about their relationship ?” Kyuhyun scoffs as he lets go of the boy to face Sungmin directly.

“That’s exactly what I did and look what happ—”

“Guys, _ please_,” Qian interrupts, pinching the bridge of her nose to prevent the stress headache she’s getting from seeing these two argue without realizing that it’s making Ryeowook noticeably feel even _ worse_. “Do you really think _ now _ is the time to shift blame ?”

“He’s the one who started throwing accusations,” Sungmin defends. He’s too on edge to realize what he’s doing.

“Accusations that proved to be _ true_,” Kyuhyun specifies.

“You act like I’m the one who forced them to break up !” Sungmin snaps.

“You certainly didn’t fucking help,” Kyuhyun spits. It’s not usually like him to get this angry, but he’s become incredibly biased towards the couple after interacting with them for a few days.

He’s gotten to witness firsthand what they mean to each other, so he can already imagine just how painful this is for Ryeowook to have lost that—and the thought that Sungmin, someone they trusted and is close to them, had a hand in it one way or another infuriates him. It doesn’t matter if he only played a small role in the grand scheme of things; the fact that he contributed to it at all is enough to be upsetting. As a friend, Sungmin is supposed to support him. He should’ve tried to reason with him instead of feeding into his insecurities.

Of course, Kyuhyun can’t claim to know exactly what’s going on in Jongwoon’s head. He has no way of telling what he’s like behind closed doors, but if he’s sure of something, of one thing in all of this is that Jongwoon deeply cares for Ryeowook in ways that mean so much more than just a regular sex thing. The way the guy speaks to him, _ about _ him, how far he’s willing to go for him, the way he looks at him when Ryeowook is talking—those can’t be faked. They just can’t be.

“You can’t expect me to stand there and do nothing while one of my best friends is clearly bothered by something,” Sungmin argues. “I’m not like you, I can’t pretend that nothing is ever going wrong and that every problem is just a product of your imagination because that’s not what _ reality is_.”

The exasperated sigh Qian lets out is almost loud enough to bury the argument, and she almost wishes it did. She thinks she understands now why Kyuhyun told her that he needs her as moral support to deal with this—she knew handling this sort of delicate situation wasn’t his strong suit, but she couldn’t imagine that it would be _ that bad_.

She honestly feels terrible for Ryeowook, because seeing his best friends fighting over this is probably the last thing he needs at the moment. The poor boy is still hanging tightly onto Kyuhyun’s arm while the latter is now just completely ignoring him in favor of scolding Sungmin over something that _ doesn’t matter _ and it’s heartbreaking.

“If you guys _ really _ have to argue over this, can you at least do that when Ryeowook isn’t around ?” Qian interrupts when she notices Kyuhyun opening his mouth to continue this senseless dispute.

Ignoring her advice sounds very tempting to Kyuhyun in that moment, mostly thanks to his ego refusing to concede the point over to Sungmin, but he still decides to heed her words at the last second—she’s right. Ryeowook doesn’t need another reason to be distressed even more than he already is. One fight is enough to deal with in one day.

It’s a huge relief for Qian to see Kyuhyun backing down at her request, too. The boy can prove to be stupidly stubborn when he’s got his mind set on to something. He even looks apologetic about it, flashing her a sorry look before turning his attention back to Ryeowook to hold him again, as tightly as he can.

“I’m sorry, Wookie,” Kyuhyun whispers as he starts petting the boy’s hair, something he remembers working wonders when Jongwoon had asked him to do it over the phone when Ryeowook was panicking.

“Yeah, sorry,” Sungmin follows, ashamed of himself.

The truth is, although he doesn’t think he deserves all the blame for it—Jongwoon definitely _ is _ the most guilty one in this story and that by a long shot—Sungmin does feel a little remorseful for not trying to be more careful with his words. In his mind, he did mean well; he didn’t want to invalidate Ryeowook’s feelings and tell him that it was all in his head, but he sees in hindsight, how he could’ve approached this differently and avoided feeding into his friend’s insecurities. That was a very poor move on his part; yet, he still believes that, despite how devastated Ryeowook is at the moment, breaking up with Jongwoon was the right thing to do. Jongwoon just wasn’t right for him.

“I think I should just go,” Sungmin then utters, feeling too uncomfortable just standing there and contributing to this really awkward and heavy atmosphere looming above their heads—he’s still upset at Kyuhyun and the feeling is mutual, and it creates a tension in the room that just isn’t beneficial to Ryeowook right now.

He doesn’t want to abandon Ryeowook, but he doesn’t know what else he can do aside from watching in silence as Kyuhyun gently rocks him back and forth as the boy weeps into his shoulder.

“That would probably be better, yeah,” Kyuhyun grumbles bitterly.

Sungmin has to take a deep breath to keep his composure and muster the energy to ignore his snarky and unwanted remark, consoling himself with the knowledge that the scolding look he gets from his girlfriend is already a good punishment for him as he walks down the hallway to lock himself in his bedroom. If Kyuhyun thought he could get laid tonight, he better bid farewell to those plans.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” Qian reproaches Kyuhyun as she takes a seat on Ryeowook’s left side to rub his back, keeping her voice as soft as she can to avoid putting more oil into the fire.

“Sorry,” Kyuhyun apologizes again, to both her and Ryeowook this time. He sounds genuine enough, brows furrowing in remorse as his shoulders drop, so Qian doesn’t prod him further.

Qian and Kyuhyun both go completely silent after that, instead opting to calm Ryeowook down by soft and comforting gestures, and maybe it’s for the best because neither of them really know what to say to him to make him feel better. Qian wishes she could, but she’s just met Ryeowook and it’s not like Kyuhyun has told her anything about his relationship with his boyfriend whenever he talked to her about him. She doesn’t know what it was like or how long they’ve been together; all she can guess is that Ryeowook must have loved him a lot to be so devastated, but that is far from enough information to go off of.

The best course of action is to wait until Ryeowook calms down and decides to speak up, or until Kyuhyun decides to break the silence to ask questions, but she doubts that last one will ever happen.

Exhaustion eventually gets the better of him, and it’s the only thing that manages to make Ryeowook stop crying, though he’s still sniffling and hiccuping profusely. His body grows heavy and limp in Kyuhyun’s arms and he feels like he might pass out at any moment, but sleep unfortunately never comes—the ache in his chest prevents him from falling asleep by making it hard for him to breathe or to concentrate on anything else.

“M’sorry,” Ryeowook mumbles tiredly as he pulls away to sit up straight, doing his best to wipe the tears away with his hand.

“Don’t apologize,” Qian dismisses him, still rubbing at his back even if Kyuhyun has stopped. “It’s okay to cry and be upset. Heartbreak is not an easy thing to deal with.”

“I still can’t believe you two…” Kyuhyun breathes out, stopping himself from finishing that sentence once he realizes that it might not be the best thing to say for now. “Nevermind.”

“Wanna tell us what happened ?” Qian questions. She doesn’t trust Sungmin’s version, but she won’t force Ryeowook to speak if he doesn’t want to. It costs nothing to ask, though.

Ryeowook hesitates for a while before giving his answer. He does feel the need to talk about it just so he can reflect on what happened and try to make it _ make sense_, but at the same time, he doesn’t know if he wants to take the risk of crying again because it’s too painful to recall. What helps him make his decision is the fact that he feels safer with Qian and Kyuhyun—Qian especially, even if she’s a complete stranger to him. It’s probably because of her composure and the motherly vibes she gives off; he just feels like he can trust her, and it helps that she can give him her unbiased opinion on the matter unlike Sungmin and even Kyuhyun to a certain extent.

“I don’t… I don’t really know what happened,” Ryeowook sniffles, turning to the side so his back is no longer facing her. “We’ve been experiencing some problems lately and I guess I just… it just ended up exploding today.”

“What type of problems ?” Qian inquires. “If you feel comfortable telling us.”

“Communication,” Ryeowook hiccups. He’s still got a few tears pooling at the corner of his eyes, but he’s able to catch them before they fall. “I just never know what he’s thinking. Every time I try to ask, he becomes distant and dismissive, and when things go wrong he sometimes goes as far as avoiding me altogether. After a while… I don’t know. It made me start to question what I meant to him because it didn’t feel like we were ever on the same page about that.”

“It’s understandable that you’d be upset over that,” Qian assures him—this is the type of validation that Ryeowook desperately needs at the moment, because he feels extremely guilty about questioning his boyfriend like that. He feels like he shouldn’t, especially since trust is _ supposed _ to be the foundation of their dominant-submissive relationship.

“I got angry at him,” Ryeowook continues, the ache in his heart concentrating into a single point, intensifying the pain to an entirely new level—it almost feels like he’s just been stabbed with a barbed knife.

Ryeowook’s breath catches in his throat for a second as he tries his best to hold back his tears, bringing him to the point of a headache from forcing too much.

“More than I should’ve,” Ryeowook then concedes, his vision blurring out as he stares aimlessly at the coffee table in front of him. “And everything just went completely out of control when I told him that all I needed was for him to tell me that he loved me and he couldn’t do it.”

“He couldn’t ?” Kyuhyun repeats, unable to contain himself in his surprise. This makes no sense to him.

Ryeowook shakes his head, the knot in his throat preventing him from giving him a verbal answer. A few tears escape him despite his efforts to keep them in.

“He just froze in place and—” Ryeowook painfully recalls, choking on a repressed sob. He’s unable to continue from there—how the fuck is he supposed to tell them that Jongwoon ended up telling him that he needed to be alone without completely breaking down ? “Sorry—”

“You really need to stop apologizing for stuff that’s out of your control,” Qian smiles sadly at him.

“It’s stronger than him,” Kyuhyun interjects as he wraps an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders as a protective gesture. “But just so you know, we’re here to stuff our faces with ice cream in front of an angsty romance movie with you if that’s what you need.”

“Skip the romance movie part,” Qian rolls her eyes. “Comedy is better when you’re sad. Bonus points if it’s _ really _ bad, so you can replace the pain with another type of pain.”

“_Either way_,” Kyuhyun presses. “You shouldn’t despair too much. I’m sure this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“How do you know ?” Ryeowook demands. He sounds more curious and confused than upset at Kyuhyun despite the sharpness of his words.

“I want to say it’s just a feeling, but that probably wouldn’t be enough to convince you,” Kyuhyun shrugs, humming pensively. “He just hasn’t given me a reason to think that he doesn’t love you. I don’t know many people who would drop everything on the spot to drive across the country in the middle of the night because their boyfriend is having a panic attack.”

Kyuhyun is making a very good point there. Unfortunately, in his current state of mind, Ryeowook just ends up adding it to the list of Jongwoon’s contradicting displays of affection. Yes, he won’t hesitate to jump to the rescue no matter where he is or when he needs him, but when the problem concerns their own relationship, he’ll try everything he can to avoid it, as if he can only be there for him when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t involve talking about his own feelings.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just say it,” Ryeowook laments in return, voice shaking. He’s still trying to stop his tears from coming by rubbing at his eyes, though he knows it’s a lost cause, at least for now. “Even if he knew it upset me.”

“I don’t know the answer to that, unfortunately,” Kyuhyun sighs in defeat. He considers asking Ryeowook if he ever thought of questioning Jongwoon about the _ why_, but he doesn’t want to make it sound like he’s blaming his friend for what happened because that’s not what he believes at all.

It may seem like Kyuhyun is defending Jongwoon, but it really isn’t his goal to do so. He just hates seeing Ryeowook so heartbroken and he’s trying to reason with him by letting him know that he is _ loved _ and worthy of it—and knowing how in love his friend is with Jongwoon, he truly hopes that things work out between them in the end.

“And… you did that just now,” Ryeowook reminds him. “Dropping everything on the spot to come to me.”

Maybe it’s not the same as driving across the country, but the feeling is there—Kyuhyun was hanging out with a girl Ryeowook knew his friend had a huge crush on, after all, and yet he still didn’t hesitate for a second to come back home when Sungmin called him. And with how seriously Jongwoon took his role as his dominant, it could’ve only been motivated by that for all he knows.

Because right now, it feels like he knows _ nothing_.

“Well, maybe I’m also in love with you,” Kyuhyun teases, reaching for the opportunity to shift things to a lighter mood and hanging on to it for dear life. And Ryeowook really appreciates the fact that Kyuhyun is trying to make him laugh, even if he doesn’t have the energy or mind to at the moment. Any type of distraction is welcome at this point. “You haven’t thought of that, did you ?”

“You really do suit the role of the third wheel in a love triangle perfectly,” Qian joins in. It’s stronger than her.

Kyuhyun’s jaw drops in offense as he turns his head to stare at her in utter disbelief.

“You’re the third wheel here, Miss Song,” Kyuhyun childishly pokes his tongue at her, holding Ryeowook closer against him to prove his point.

“Ryeowook needs you more than I do right now,” Qian winks. “I’m happily lending you to him.”

“He does make a good human pillow,” Ryeowook jumps in, hoping that having a normal conversation can get his mind off of things, even if only for a minute or two.

“That’s what I told him too,” Qian exclaims almost proudly. Her cheerful attitude is very much welcome, Ryeowook finds; wallowing in sadness and dealing with people pitying him is the last thing he needs.

“It’s very hard not to feel like an object right now,” Kyuhyun complains.

“You’re a big boy—you can suck it up for one night, can’t you ?” Qian prods.

“I think I made a mistake telling you to come with me,” Kyuhyun grumbles.

“She’s funny,” Ryeowook defends her, slurring a little. Now that he’s stopped crying and panicking, the adrenaline pumping through his veins has begun to fade away, leaving only exhaustion behind.

However, Ryeowook would be lying if he claimed that seeing a happy couple right now doesn’t hurt at least a little. He doesn’t know if Kyuhyun and Qian are actually together, but it certainly feels like so and it just reminds him of the banter he’d start with Jongwoon just to mess with him, back when things weren’t so messy and much simpler—when it was just about the two of them and no one else. No Hyukjae, no asshole stepfather, no Sungmin accusing him of being abusive; no one to tell them what they can and cannot be.

No, actually, _ it hurts a lot_, and he feels terrible about it because he shouldn’t be feeling this way about his friend finally dating the girl he’s been crushing on for God knows how long.

Subconsciously, Ryeowook’s grip tightens a little around his friend to look for some semblance of security. It’s strange for him to think he used to despise being touched or held not so long ago. Jongwoon is the one who got him used to it—who got him to love it—by showing him time and time again how comforting a hug can be. Kyuhyun doesn’t even get close to giving him that same feeling, but he’s probably his best option at the moment.

It’s extremely conflicting that he still wishes Jongwoon would be there even if he’s mad at him. It’s not like he wants to forget about him and move on, because he truly is hoping that they can work things out eventually, especially since they haven’t actually broken up officially, but right now it just hurts too much to dwell on the good moments he’s already missing terribly. He’s aware that he’s grown very emotionally dependent on Jongwoon throughout the time they’ve spent living together. In everything Sungmin has told him, misleading or not, he was right about one thing—their relationship dynamic made it nearly impossible for Ryeowook _ not _ to develop some kind of reliance on Jongwoon. He just hadn’t fully realized how _ bad _ it was until now.

“Do you want to go to your bedroom and rest ?” Kyuhyun checks, feeling Ryeowook’s body grow heavier against him and noticing the way the boy is struggling to keep his eyes open.

The idea of sleeping in an empty bed tonight really doesn’t sit well with Ryeowook. The last time he got to do that, he ended up having such an intense panic attack that it made _ Kyuhyun _ panic too, and the guy is _ known _ for keeping his cool even in the most stressful situations. Although, having said that, the way Kyuhyun had snapped at Sungmin earlier felt out of character for him; their mutual friend must’ve been pushing his buttons for a long, long time for that to have happened, something Ryeowook was completely clueless about until now. It _ did _ come as a surprise to him, and even if the boy is thankful for Sungmin to have made the effort to understand him better, he’s a little hurt that it seemingly didn’t come from a place of genuine care, but rather of cautiousness because he _ still _ refused to give Jongwoon at least the benefit of the doubt like Ryeowook had hoped he would do.

It’s not like it matters in the grand scheme of things. Ryeowook isn’t mad at Sungmin. He doesn’t have the strength to be mad at anyone else at the moment—the anger directed at Jongwoon and the current situation is more than enough for him to handle.

In any case, as much as he really despises having to sleep alone tonight, Kyuhyun is right, and Ryeowook wishes he actually gets to fall asleep so that he doesn’t get to consciously think of all these things. It doesn’t matter if he ends up dreaming about it. He always forgets his dreams when he wakes up the next day.

“Is she gonna stay the night ?” Ryeowook asks, pointing towards Qian.

“I, huh…” Kyuhyun hesitates. He hadn’t thought about that part in his hurry to get here earlier. “Why are you asking ?”

“Just wanna know if she’ll be there tomorrow,” Ryeowook mumbles. She had managed to lighten up the mood quicker and better than Kyuhyun and Sungmin ever could have, so the idea of waking up tomorrow to her being there as a sort of balance between his two friends and their opposing feelings is reassuring to him. “I like her.”

“I guess it depends on whether or not she wants to stay ?” Kyuhyun answers as he looks up at Qian, waiting for her reply to his implied question.

“Well, you did promise to protect me from the monsters tonight,” Qian reminds him. “I just don’t have a change of clothes.”

“I can probably lend you something,” Kyuhyun suggests nonchalantly.

Qian’s eyes immediately light up at his offer. “Does that mean I get to steal one of your hoodies ?” she exclaims excitedly, though it has less to do with the fact that they’re Kyuhyun’s and more with the fact that they all look cozy as hell and she’s a sucker for that.

“No,” Kyuhyun refutes, trying to appear stern, but the smile on his lips betrays him. “You’re already holding my blue one hostage in your drier.”

“_ You _ left it there,” Qian reminds him, “but I’m taking it as permission to keep it, so thank you.”

“You guys are cute together,” Ryeowook cuts off. He’s trying his best not to sound bitter so that they don’t suspect that his interruption was made on purpose.

Ryeowook really doesn’t mean to get mad at them. He knows they’re not flaunting their relationship to taunt him, but it’s also exactly the thing that upsets him so much—they’re not trying. Their interactions are so light, natural and genuine that it makes him envious of what they have, despite wishing it wouldn’t be this way. He wants to be happy for them, but all he can think of right now is to compare them to what he and Jongwoon used to have, how easy it used to be for them to ignore the outside world in each other’s presence and it just angers him.

Ryeowook painfully scoots away from Kyuhyun, his limbs so numb that it makes it hard for him to move; it’s through sheer willpower coming from his desire to get the hell away from the happy couple that he manages to stand up. It’s a little hard for him to maintain balance, however, and Qian has to come to his aid to help him stay up while he gets over his dizziness, which he’s thankful for despite everything.

“Are you gonna be okay ?” Kyuhyun checks as Ryeowook makes his way towards his bedroom.

“Yeah,” Ryeowook replies, unconvinced. “I should be.”

As Ryeowook disappears into the hallway, Qian scoots closer to Kyuhyun to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. She’s never seen him this worried before—he almost looks terrified, and while she understands why he’s feeling this way, she hates seeing him like that.

“I hate this,” Kyuhyun breathes frustratedly as he rubs his face with both of his hands.

“It’s normal,” Qian assures before leaning over to lay her head on his shoulder to cuddle up to him as a way of consoling him, which Kyuhyun is genuinely thankful for. “It would be kind of disturbing if you loved it,” she then darkly jokes.

It earns her a chuckle from Kyuhyun, so she takes it as a win.

“Thank you for coming with me,” Kyuhyun smiles at her—a small one, but a smile nonetheless. “I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle this without your help.”

“Just say you love me and go,” Qian giggles.

“Oh no, we are _ not _ going to fight over this too,” Kyuhyun retorts. He does feel bad for making a joke out of Ryeowook’s situation, but he doesn’t do it with any malice. He just wants to hide how fucking terrified he is of he and Qian getting to that point, not only because he actually does like her a lot and doesn’t wish to lose her, but also because he really doesn’t want to be caught up in fights of that level. Or in any fights at all, but especially of that kind.

“Don’t worry,” Qian dismisses him. “I already know you do.”

If Heechul had a dollar for every instance where he found himself worrying over Jongwoon in the past few weeks, he’d probably have enough to pay off his student loans twice. It’s not unlike him to be concerned over his best friend’s well-being, but it’s rare that it’s to this extent, and it’s a feeling that really doesn’t sit well with him. And while under normal circumstances he would’ve managed to shake it off by now, Jongwoon had acted so off lately that Heechul still hasn’t been able to convince himself that everything was alright and that he was just overreacting.

He probably would be if Jongwoon cared to reply to at least one of his texts, as the only signs of life he’s gotten from him is the fact that he’s left him on _ read _ more times than he can count in the past few days. Heechul is used to radio silence from his best friend whenever he’s busy writing, but even then, Jongwoon always finds time at the end of the day to at least let him know he can’t reply right now but he will eventually—this time, there’s none of that, and it’s enough to let him know that something very wrong is happening and it bugs him that he has no fucking idea what it could be aside from something related to Hyukjae’s reappearance, and that thought only worsens his nerves.

Even if he knows that Jongwoon has no reason to lie about this, Heechul finds it very hard to believe him when he claims that Hyukjae has changed. It hasn’t been that long since they broke up and the guy was a total wreck back then, so to think that he was able to get back on his feet that quickly and that well when Jongwoon _ couldn’t _ is suspicious to say the least.

Heechul can’t help but find it ironic how the roles have been reversed; as kids and up to their early twenties, Jongwoon had always been the one to take care of and protect him if need be. Heechul had a knack for getting himself into trouble because he always preferred bold honesty over pandering to people and Jongwoon had always been there to fix the mess it would cause at times, but now in adulthood, and despite how immature he still is, he often finds himself having to pick up the pieces whenever something happens with his friend. It’s not something he really minds—he truly owes it to the guy for everything he’s done for him, but it still hurts to see someone he cares about and who used to be so strong crumble under the pressure of his daily life, whether it’s work-related or relationship-wise.

_ Aging _ seems to have made Jongwoon more fragile overall, and seeing how things have evolved since January, there’s no way Heechul _ can’t _worry.

“You look like you’re questioning the meaning of life,” Geng calls out then, handing him over a very welcome cup of coffee to kickstart their day. Waking up at four in the morning six days a week to go to work is just inhuman.

“I’m questioning your career path, that’s for sure,” Heechul rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to bother Geng with his mother hen antics, even if he knows trying to hide them from him is futile—his boyfriend always manages to get the answers he wants from him, and he generally doesn’t even have to try very hard either.

“You won’t be saying that once I’m rich and famous,” Geng jokes as he takes a seat on Heechul’s makeup chair.

“I’ll be too busy complaining about having to share you with millions of fans,” Heechul quips, setting his coffee mug aside to machinally reach out for the primer on the table next to him—after seven weeks and countless hours spent on set, his routine has completely set in his muscle memory.

“I thought you weren’t the jealous type,” Geng accuses, raising an eyebrow. He knows Heechul isn’t, but he can’t help himself—it’s sort of become an inside joke between them at this point.

They started off as an open couple, and they technically _ still _ are, but they’ve gotten so comfortable with each other and the life they share that they no longer really feel the need to see elsewhere, and they often find themselves joking about it because for people who are supposed to be carefree, they sure aren’t taking advantage of that freedom at all.

“I’m not, I just don’t want you to bring any STDs home from hooking up with too many fans at once,” Heechul retorts, purposely pressing the primer onto Geng’s skin a little too hard just to spite him.

Geng squints at him as he groans, begrudgingly admitting defeat when he can’t come up with a clever comeback. It definitely puts Heechul in a much better mood than he’d been up until then, and he’s grateful for that.

The comfortable little bubble they were able to enjoy then quickly bursts when some other members of the staff—mainly from the costume department—flood into the room, rapidly filling it with the sounds of distant chatter and someone running around to find the planner to know which scenes they’re going to be filming today. An intern, Heechul guesses, but it’s not like he cares enough to pay attention to them for very long. At least not for now, since it’s still quite early and Director Shin has yet to call in for the rehearsal shots.

Heechul is about halfway done with the scar cutting across Geng’s eyebrow and temple—this stuff is much more complicated than it looks to make appear believable, and Director Shin won’t settle for mediocre or barely passable work—when he gets startled by his phone buzzing in his pocket, and his bad mood is instantly back when he notices that he fucked up and drew a very visible brown line in the opposite direction.

Serves him right for being too into his work, he guesses.

Hoping that it might be Jongwoon finally getting back to him, Heechul decides to check just in case. He doesn’t really have the intention to reply right away, but he at least wants to know if his best friend is alive and well; but unfortunately for him, it’s not Jongwoon getting in touch with him, but one of his colleagues, Sooyoung, and Heechul gets the feeling that he won’t like what he’s about to read when he opens it up to check.

_ ‘Please don’t kill me but I won’t be able to make it this morning, I’ll spare you the details but I’ve got an awful stomach bug and I’ll need to stay home for the day’_, Sooyoung’s text reads. _ ‘I’m so sorry’ _

Heechul groans despite him—this was the last thing he needed today. It wouldn’t have been much of a problem if he hadn’t received this message on such short notice, but there was no way he’d be able to find someone to fill in for her in what little time he has before the cast is called on set. Sooyoung just so happened to be one of the employees that was very hard to find a replacement for; Director Shin is a very hands-on type of person and in his desire to make everything as perfect as possible, he’s extremely particular about the crew he hires, and this was especially true for the makeup department because the amount of special effects makeup needed for this movie was much heavier than Heechul would’ve thought at first.

Turning people into _ realistic human puppets_, complete with dislocated jaws and articulations, really isn’t an easy job, and he and Sooyoung were the only ones on set who were able to pull this off well enough to meet Shin Donghee’s standards. Fortunately for Heechul, unless the man changes his mind at the last minute, this type of work shouldn’t be required of him today.

Sooyoung is still going to get a scolding for it, though, because his workload has just been _ doubled_.

“What’s up ?” Geng asks as Heechul attempts to fix his mistake without disturbing the edges too much.

“Sooyoung’s not coming,” Heechul grumbles, words slurred from the tip of the brush he’s holding between his lips.

“So you’re on Siwon duty today too,” Geng deduces.

“On top of having to babysit the kids,” Heechul rolls his eyes.

Donghee’s team is a solid bunch, but the guy was also known to offer a lot of unpaid internship positions for film students so they can get a more hands-on learning experience, and while he typically didn’t let them handle the big stuff, it didn’t stop some of them from getting curious and getting their nose into things they shouldn’t even go near to—or stop his coworkers from taking advantage of the situation and get them to run their errands in their place. An added stress he really doesn’t need at the moment.

But it’s not like he has any other choice in the matter, so he’s just going to have to suck it up and complain later.

“Seeing you bruised and beat up weirdly isn’t getting old,” Heechul jokes, trying to lighten up his own mood.

“Should I be concerned ?” Geng chuckles, playing along.

“Maybe,” Heechul smirks. “The scar is kinda sexy, not gonna lie.”

“Are you saying that because it’s me or are you bragging about your skills ?”

“Both,” Heechul hums.

“I hope you mess up with Siwon,” Geng threatens. “So that you get off your high horse for a minute.”

“Just admit you’re scared I’ll do an even better job with him than with you and he’ll outshine your visuals,” Heechul banters. “Won’t even be hard to do. Siwon’s already really hot as it is.”

“I’m flattered,” someone chuckles from behind Heechul as Geng opens his mouth to speak. “But aren’t you being a little mean to him ?”

“Don’t worry about him, he’s made strong,” Heechul defends jokingly as he turns around to greet Siwon with a nod.

Siwon chuckles again before taking a seat in the makeup chair next to Geng’s. Despite the fact that he can absolutely have his own dressing room on set, Siwon has always preferred to share the common one with the other actors rather than to ostracize himself in his own world. He’s working with these people, after all, and creating a rift between them by allowing others to give him special treatment because of his A-lister status is something he’d honestly rather avoid.

“Is Sooyoung running late ?” Siwon brings up after a moment of silence, turning around in his chair to scan across the room.

“She called in sick,” Heechul replies, trying his best not to sound annoyed. It’s not like she consciously chose to get a stomach bug this morning. “I’m afraid you’ll be stuck with me today.”

“Stay on your guard, Siwon,” Geng warns, cocking his head to the side to look at the man, hidden from view by Heechul standing right between them. “He has a thing for poking people’s eyes if they don’t behave.”

“No, that’s a _ you _ privilege,” Heechul corrects, forcefully pushing Geng’s head back up straight so he can add the finishing touches.

“Ow,” Geng complains, wincing more out of reflex than actual pain.

Heechul has to physically stop himself from making an extremely inappropriate comment about Geng being used to _ rougher _ and liking it too, but the look on his face says it all. Geng knows his boyfriend by heart at this point—he has to after almost a decade of being together. And if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s Heechul’s corrupted mind.

“There,” Heechul exclaims proudly as he takes a step back to admire his work and make sure he hasn’t missed any spots. “All done.”

Taking it as his cue that he’s finally free from him, Geng glances over at his reflection in the mirror. He’s had the same makeup done for three days in a row now, and it still impresses him how Heechul actually manages to make it look identical each time. He’s a long way from when he was getting his fashion design degree in college and would use him as a canvas to practice special effects makeup instead of doing his actual assignments—_that _ he learned at the ‘University of YouTube’, as Heechul likes to call it.

It’s somewhat of a miracle that Heechul managed to graduate, with pretty good grades too, given how many times he’s had to turn in an assignment or a project late due to procrastination.

“Taeyeon’s probably waiting for you now,” Heechul reminds him as he focuses on cleaning up his brushes.

Geng looks over his shoulder to the other side of the room, where he expects her to be; she’s still working on adjusting one of the other leads’—the one playing the main antagonist, Do Kyungsoo—outfit, but she looks right about to be done and ready to move on to the next.

“Good luck,” Geng bids Siwon before leaving, his voice sounding suspiciously and genuinely worried for something that’s meant to be a joke.

Siwon looks up from the book he’s been reading while waiting for Heechul to be done to nod and smile at Geng in acknowledgement before the man walks away, and he quickly glances over to Heechul to gauge how much time he’s got left to continue reading before he’s ready. It’s a little disorienting to have someone else do his makeup—Sooyoung’s been working with him for about a year now, being one of Donghee’s ‘go-to’ on most of his projects. It wasn’t like her to call in at the last minute like this, but it’s not like this temporary change bothers him.

He’s seen what Heechul can do with prosthetics and his makeup doesn’t require even remotely the same amount of intricacy as that, so he’s confident that he’ll do a great job. Siwon likes the guy’s work ethic; he’s very diligent and knows when to get serious despite his default playful and joking attitude. And though they don’t know each other very well, Siwon already quite likes the guy, and he often found himself eavesdropping on his conversations with Geng because he weirdly enjoys their constant banter.

“Do you know what foundation Sooyoung typically uses ?” Heechul questions, realizing that he has no idea what shade to use on him.

Siwon looks up from his book to scan across the makeup table, hoping to find something that at least somewhat resembles it. “Huh… I’m honestly not sure.”

That’s not really helpful, but Heechul didn’t expect anything different in the first place. He doubts Geng would be able to tell as well and his boyfriend is constantly exposed to makeup because of him, but he figured it was at least worth a shot. It couldn’t hurt to try.

“That’s fine,” Heechul assures him, noticing the way Siwon’s expression shifts to guilt. “I’m sure I can find a match with what I have.”

“I know nothing about makeup,” Siwon chuckles nervously as he watches Heechul rummage through his bag and the drawers close to him for anything that closely resembles his skin tone.

“Which is why I was able to get this job,” Heechul jokes as he brings up the bottles next to Siwon’s face just to check if he’s on the right track and hopefully narrow down his products. “So thank you for being clueless. Actors learning how to do their own makeup is my own personal nightmare.”

“Did you always have an interest in it ?” Siwon continues, hoping to learn more about Heechul—with the way Donghee speaks about Geng’s acting skills and how rarely he has to ask for retouches because something feels wrong with the costumes as a whole, he expects to work more with the both of them in the future, so he figures getting to know him is a good idea.

“Weirdly enough, no,” Heechul answers as he gets ready to apply primer to Siwon’s face, silently waiting for his go ahead to start his work. “I actually went to university to major in English. I know, gross.” His nose scrunches a little for dramatic effect. “Realized halfway through my first year that it wasn’t for me when I randomly stumbled upon people filming tutorials on how to transform themselves into all types of monsters and it just clicked. I got a fashion design degree pretty much just for bragging rights.”

“An unusual path,” Siwon smiles. “But you don’t strike me as someone who likes the usual.”

“A very accurate assumption,” Heechul confirms. “Plus it allows me to follow Geng around—he can’t survive without me.”

“Is that so ?” Siwon doubts.

“Completely dysfunctional,” Heechul hums sarcastically. “Of course he’ll deny it, but that’s just the ego talking.”

“Hm,” Siwon nods, playing along. “Of course.”

A comfortable silence settles between the two—though it’s somewhat forced on them when Heechul gets to work on the foundation and passes a few times close to Siwon’s lips—and Siwon takes it as an opportunity to resume his reading once the other man starts to roughly map out where the cuts he’s supposed to have on his face. It’s a habit he’s developed over the years; reading calms him before a shoot and allows him to focus on something other than performance anxiety. He still hasn’t managed to fully get over that yet.

“Oh, there you are,” someone calls out from the doorway a few metres away from them about a minute or two later, startling Heechul yet again, though not to the same degree as Sooyoung’s text had.

Recognizing the voice right away and assuming that he’s talking to him, Siwon spins around in his chair to face his interlocutor and slants his head to the side in question—he doesn’t know why Donghee was looking for him specifically.

“Did you need me for something ?” Siwon queries as he folds the corner of the page to act as a bookmark before he closes the book.

Donghee takes a second to stare at Heechul, visibly puzzled by the current scene happening in front of him, and completely ignores Siwon’s question by coming up with one of his own. “Why is Sooyoung not with you ?”

“She texted me on short notice that she wouldn’t be able to make it this morning,” Heechul butts in cautiously. He’s not normally this hesitant to strike a conversation, but Shin Donghee has an air about him that intimidates him, despite the fact that he’s barely even spoken to the guy directly. His tasks are usually laid out for him on paper. “I figured it would take more time to convince her to still show up and wait for her to get here without a guarantee that she’d even be in enough shape to work than it would if I just filled in for her today.”

Donghee gives him a small nod of approval. There are other makeup artists on set, but Heechul is arguably one of the best they’ve got, so Donghee genuinely appreciates the fact that he didn’t just decide to put someone else on duty for Siwon, especially since he’s one of the main leads.

“You haven’t answered my question,” Siwon reminds him then.

“Oh, huh, I was just wondering why you were running a bit late,” Donghee shrugs. “I wanted to ask you if you managed to get it touch with Ye— _ Kim Jongwoon_,” he catches himself up. He’s only recently learned what Yesung’s real name was thanks to Siwon, so he’s still in the habit of calling him by his pen name.

Heechul’s ears perk up at the mention of his best friend’s name. He finds himself hoping Siwon did in fact succeed in talking to Jongwoon, because at least it would give him an indication that the guy was still alive at the very least. His last conversation with him left a bitter taste in his mouth and he gets chills just thinking about it.

“I didn’t yet,” Siwon admits. “But Heechul gave me his number, so I’ll make sure to call it by the end of the week.”

“Heechul ?” Donghee repeats. He thought the ‘connection’ Siwon had that could put him in touch with Jongwoon was his boyfriend, Hyukjae—that’s what he told him when they began discussing the idea of turning one of Jongwoon’s books into a movie.

Hyukjae was the one who let Siwon know about Jongwoon’s real name after all, so Donghee just assumed that he knew him on a personal level, though Siwon had explained to him that it was a ‘friend of a friend of a friend’ type of deal, at least from what he remembers.

“The world is small,” Siwon chuckles. “Turns out Heechul is close friends with Jongwoon.”

“I might just have to keep you around for my next projects,” Donghee half-jokes, now talking to Heechul.

“I can’t say no to the promise of a stable job,” Heechul concurs, matching Donghee’s more playful tone.

A loud crash stops Donghee from speaking up again, his expression quickly switching to worry as he turns around in the direction of the noise.

Though he doesn’t know what just happened there, Heechul can already hear the scolding that whoever caused the ruckus is about to get when Donghee speedwalks away without even telling them goodbye—something must’ve been dropped on set and he hopes for the poor staff member responsible for it that it’s _ not _ broken.

“I better get back to work and get you ready as soon as possible if I don’t want him to change his mind now,” Heechul thinks out loud, his face losing color all of a sudden. He doesn’t want to risk Donghee’s anger bleeding onto him; his patience must be hanging by a thread now.

“I won’t stop you,” Siwon agrees, spinning back around to face Heechul again.

This time, the silence between them is awkward, and that’s something Heechul can’t stand—it’s making him too nervous and shaky, even if he knows that uncomfortable feeling isn’t his nor Siwon’s fault.

“What are you reading ?” Heechul inquires, trying to strike a conversation to break it, but he’s too focused on his work to look down at the book on Siwon’s lap himself.

“Oh,” Siwon exclaims, lifting the novel to show him the cover—one Heechul recognizes instantly. “One of Jongwoon’s— well, you probably already know,” he chuckles then.

“_The Darkening_,” Heechul reads. “Did you know that it’s Jongwoon’s personal favourite ?”

“Well, I know now,” Siwon replies. “It’s the first one I’ve ever read from him. By now I’ve probably read it about twenty times, if not more.”

“And you’re not getting tired of it ?” Heechul raises an eyebrow in surprise. Jongwoon is a talented writer, but he can’t imagine himself reading his books—or any book, for that matter—more than twice, _ maybe _ three times if he’s _ really _ interested.

“Not at all,” Siwon refutes. “I would actually love to see it being made into a movie. Jongmin’s character is something I’ve never played before and I keep wondering what it would be like to work with someone so… split and complicated.”

“Is that the book you and Director Shin want to adapt ?” Heechul prods.

“It is, actually,” Siwon confirms with a nod.

“If Jongwoon would agree to bring any of his books to the big screen, it would definitely be this one,” Heechul affirms. “I was actually planning on seeing him tonight. Want me to bring it up to him ? Or give him a heads up that you might call him soon ?”

That is an absolute lie—he’s just come up with that idea on the spot, but it’s not like Siwon has any way of knowing that.

“That would be nice, actually,” Siwon accepts after a moment.

For the first time since they were kids, back when he still had manners, Heechul actually comes to a stop in front of Jongwoon’s apartment door instead of barging in without a warning. He has this horrible gut feeling yelling at him that he’s not going to like what lays beyond that door, and it actually frightens him, to his own stupor.

Taking a deep breath to regain composure, Heechul pulls his phone out of his pocket, figuring that he’s got nothing to lose if he tries to contact Jongwoon one last time. He knows he’s there since his car was in the parking lot, and unless Jongwoon has decided to take a walk—which he doubts he has—it means he should _ in theory _ be inside, but he can never be too certain. Jongwoon has a history of breaking his habits on a whim when he’s not doing great.

That and fucking up his hair, just as he did when he cut it off and bleached it silver right after he broke up with Hyukjae. He wouldn’t be surprised if he walked in and Jongwoon suddenly had bright pink hair or something of the sort.

Surely enough, Heechul proves to be right in his first assumption; he can hear Jongwoon’s phone ring from the other side of the door, though he still doesn’t get an answer from his friend, which doesn’t really come as a surprise after the past few days. Sighing loudly, Heechul punches the code on the keypad to unlock the door, this time preferring to walk in gently as opposed to his usual _ dynamic entry_, cautious not to make any noise.

To his surprise, there’s something blocking the door, and by the sounds of it, that _ something _ turns out to be Jongwoon himself, who stumbles backwards a little when the door hits the garbage bag he’s holding and rebounds onto him. Heechul would’ve normally brushed that off and not even paid it any mind, but the air around him is so thick and crushing that his worry takes over and pushes him to peek around the door to make sure his friend is okay. At first glance, it doesn’t actually look like anything is wrong, but Heechul knows better—Jongwoon is so stiff and lifeless that it immediately casts suspicion onto him. There is definitely something weird going on and Heechul knows it.

It becomes even more disturbing when Jongwoon starts blinking at him, scanning him like a robot trying to comprehend the world around it, which is extremely out of character for his friend. He’d usually have already made a snarky comment about Heechul’s lack of respect for his privacy, but this time, there’s just… _ nothing_. Even Jongwoon’s eyes are empty, the prevailing fire that always seemed to burn behind his dark gaze even in his darkest moments now appearing to be completely extinguished, a blood-curdling sight that Heechul truly wasn’t prepared for.

“Oh,” Jongwoon flatly exclaims. “Hey, Heechul. I was about to take the trash out, just give me a minute.”

Heechul is too taken aback to try to stop Jongwoon when the man walks right past him to get into the hallway, apparently very intent on throwing the giant white plastic bag into the trash chute further down. At least this gives Heechul some time to recover, which he does by mentally delivering a huge slap to the face to himself—he’s here to check up on his friend, not to stand there motionless like an idiot and watch him behaving like a barely functional zombie.

Heechul throws Jongwoon a questioning glance when the man makes his way back to his apartment, squinting at him in accusation; he wants to let him know that he’s aware that something is up with him and that he better be prepared for interrogation, which earns him a confused frown from his best friend.

“What are you doing here ?” Jongwoon asks as he shuts the door behind them both. He sounds hurried, almost as if he wanted to get this over with right away and move on to something else, which just tells Heechul that his question is purely rhetorical and that the man knows _ exactly _ why he’s there.

“I don’t get why you’re asking when you clearly already know the answer,” Heechul throws back at him, his worry completely overshadowing the accusatory tone of his words.

“I’m fine, Heechul,” Jongwoon assures him, but he isn’t the slightest bit sincere or even convinced of his own statement and Heechul can _ hear _ it. “Really. I’ve just been busy writing, that’s all.”

To prove to his dubious friend that he’s actually telling the truth, Jongwoon points over to his laptop sitting on the coffee table, lid open, and the _ six _ dirty mugs littered around it. Caffeine overdose may explain Jongwoon’s current jumpy and antsy behavior, and Heechul is willing to give the benefit of the doubt—that is until he spots the blanket and pillow on the couch, which rouses up his suspicion as quickly as it had dissipated.

It wasn’t unlike Jongwoon to fall asleep in front of his laptop, whether it be in his office, at the dining table or on the couch, but the fact that he prepared for it leaves an uneasy feeling deep into Heechul’s stomach. This prompts him to scan around the apartment in search of any other sign that may either confirm or disprove his theory; everything looks absolutely spotless, the dark wooden floors almost shining, giving Heechul the sudden vision of Jongwoon stress-cleaning the entire place for whatever reason, which he knows he hasn’t. Not when he’s got a pile of dirty dishes in the living room—Jongwoon probably hasn’t moved from that spot unless absolutely necessary.

He at least seems to still care about showering, which is the only good sign he’s able to find amidst the mess. From an outsider’s perspective, it might look as though Heechul is worrying over nothing, but he knows better. He knows Jongwoon better than the guy knows himself. He’s got over twenty-five years of friendship worth of knowledge, and though he still can’t tell what his friend is thinking at times nor can he always understand why Jongwoon makes the decisions he makes, he knows his behavioral patterns by heart.

This is _ not _ normal. Jongwoon is trying too hard to appear fine, but the dead look in his eyes and the subtle quiver in his voice betrays him.

If anything, Jongwoon looks more lost than anything else. It’s like he can’t fully process Heechul’s presence and has no clue how to handle it. Heechul would normally attribute it to sleep deprivation, which Jongwoon is clearly suffering from if his ghastly appearance and the huge bags under his eyes can speak for anything, but upon further inspection, he catches a glimpse of this deep, raw _ sadness _ behind his lethargic gaze, and his heart sinks into his chest.

“You haven’t been responding to any of my texts and messages for three days,” Heechul reminds him. “Busy or not, that’s not like you to ghost me like that. Other people, yes. But not me.”

Jongwoon doesn’t reply to him. He doesn’t even look like he’s trying to scramble for an excuse. He just stares at him apologetically; the first genuine emotion that Heechul witnesses wash over his features since he arrived.

“Sorry,” Jongwoon exhales, shoulders dropping as his eyebrows furrow with guilt. “My mind’s just been… elsewhere, lately.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” Heechul corrects. “You haven’t been acting like yourself for a long time, Jongwoon. I’m worried about you. Geng is worried about you. Youngwoon—hell, even _ Jongjin _ reached out to me last night because you suddenly stopped replying to him too, and you won’t make me believe that it’s because you’re having second thoughts about reconnecting with him.”

Heechul doesn’t mean to get angry. He’s not mad _ at _ Jongwoon, but _ for _ him, because it’s frustrating to know that his best friend is going through so much shit at the moment and not being able to do anything about it. But if there’s one thing he and Jongwoon have in common, it’s that their temper can easily overcome their reason and push them to do stupid shit, especially when it comes to _ love_—and hell, Jongwoon is probably the dearest person to Heechul’s heart, so any hope of staying objective is thrown out the window from the beginning.

“What’s going on ?” Heechul asks, much softer this time. Although neither he nor Jongwoon comment about it, he noticed the split second that Jongwoon winced when he raised his voice, and even if it only lasted a fraction of time, it left Heechul absolutely heartbroken.

“Nothing,” Jongwoon denies again, but the pain tearing him up inside is much more noticeable this time, in both his voice and expression. “Nothing is going on. I’m fine. I’m okay—”

Right as Jongwoon is about to ramble and keep insisting that nothing is wrong, he’s interrupted by the loud buzzing sound of the intercom by his door, which startles the both of them. For someone who wasn’t expecting anyone, Jongwoon surely is popular today, to his own dismay. All he wants is to be left alone; yet, at the same time, he can barely stand it. His apartment feels too big and empty now, and the crushing weight of loneliness is so suffocating that it’s started to make him feel claustrophobic, ironically enough.

Hesitantly, Jongwoon drags his feet over to the door, unable to breathe the whole time. He doesn’t know who is standing behind, but at this point, it could be anyone, and none of the options he can think of are something he wishes to deal with at the moment. He almost wants to bitterly laugh at the fact that the least-worst of all of those options is _ Jungsoo_, although he’s a close tie to Jongjin—it’s just that Jongwoon would rather have to deal with work stuff than to dwell on his past mistakes right now. He’s already got enough remorse and regrets to deal with, although ‘deal with’ is a huge overstatement in his case.

None of his predictions actually proved to be accurate, however, and Jongwoon is left standing in the doorframe, stiff as a wooden support beam save for his trembling hands that he tries to hide behind the door and to his side in front of a nervous-looking Kyuhyun, who already looks like he regrets showing up before either of them even exchange a simple ‘hello’.

“Hum… hey, Jongwoon,” Kyuhyun stammers, unsure about how to handle the situation.

This is the first time he’s ever felt uncomfortable in Jongwoon’s presence—he’s almost talking to him as though he were a stranger now. Kyuhyun isn’t the only one to be bothered by this, although he’s the only one to show any signs of it. Jongwoon actually feels really _ hurt _ by Kyuhyun’s behavior and the weird atmosphere settling around them; it’s a reminder of the one thing he’s tried so fucking hard to avoid thinking about for the past three days, and though the reality of it has only barely started to settle now, it’s already getting too heavy for Jongwoon to handle.

He has to gather all of his strength to stop himself from shutting the door in Kyuhyun’s face so he can go back to pretending that everything is alright—if the boy came all the way here on his own, there must be a good reason for it.

“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon stutters. “What are you doing here ?”

“I, huh… I came to pick up Ryeowook’s stuff,” Kyuhyun announces, not even daring to look Jongwoon in the eye. “I sent you a text,” he then catches himself, “and it said you saw it. You didn’t respond so I assumed it meant you were fine with it.”

“Yeah, tough luck on that buddy, he hasn’t been replying to anyone,” Heechul calls out from behind Jongwoon, now intrigued by the conversation.

He doesn’t think he recognizes Kyuhyun, but he does look vaguely familiar, his name moreso than his face, though he swears he’s seen him before too. It takes him a good minute to recall where he’s heard it before, and it’s the fact that he mentioned Ryeowook that puts in the final piece of the puzzle—it’s the guy who called Jongwoon and made him drive across the entire country to come to Ryeowook’s aid just a little over a week and a half ago.

Heechul doesn’t ponder over Kyuhyun’s identity much longer, however, because something else catches his attention; he can’t believe he hasn’t noticed it yet, but Ryeowook is nowhere to be found, and as far as he knows, the boy practically officially moved in with Jongwoon at this point. The fact that Kyuhyun is talking about picking up his stuff is puzzling and quite concerning, to say the least.

Especially since Ryeowook isn’t there with him either—Kyuhyun came alone.

Saying that Heechul is now utterly terrified of finding out the truth, even if he already gets a clear enough picture just from Kyuhyun’s presence and Jongwoon’s odd behaviour alone, would be a massive understatement.

“Oh, huh, yeah, sure,” Jongwoon nods nervously before stepping to the side. “Just— come in.”

Kyuhyun contemplates just staying outside to wait in the hallway for a moment. It feels too awkward for him to come in after what happened, and it doesn’t help that Jongwoon also looks extremely uncomfortable about it too; it’s clear that he’s forcing himself to be courteous because he’s doing a very poor job at concealing his discomfort. The Jongwoon Kyuhyun’s always known was almost shamelessly bold and confident, never hesitating to say or do what he wants without a care in the world about what other people think of him.

Whoever is in front of him now isn’t that Jongwoon. He just _ looks _ like him, albeit more tired and jumpy than the real one.

Still, Kyuhyun does eventually take Jongwoon’s invitation, figuring that it’s probably the least awkward option out of the two, though he chooses to stay by the door after Jongwoon shuts it behind him. He honestly feels like merging into the wall to disappear from view, and this feeling only gets worse when a heavy silence settles between the three of them. Heechul is staring at Jongwoon with a dubious eye, a worried frown plastered on his face, while Jongwoon’s gaze is affixed to a point just above Kyuhyun’s shoulder—he’s trying to avoid making eye contact with either of them, eyes glassy and incredibly cold, but not with the kind of icy fire he’s witnessed a few times whenever the man tried to intimidate someone.

Kyuhyun offhandedly wonders if _ this _ is the vibe Sungmin gets from Jongwoon, and if so, he understands now why his friend is so crept out by him.

“I’ll… you wait here,” Jongwoon blinks back to reality, finally breaking the deafening silence looming over them. “I’ll go pack his stuff. I shouldn’t be long.”

Kyuhyun simply nods at him, and he feels the knot in his stomach tighten when Jongwoon forces a small smile to bid him goodbye, but this time, it’s not out of dread or discomfort—it’s out of a weird and sudden surge of concern for the man. He’s seen this bleak and mournful smile on the man’s lips before, when he’d confided into him that he’s willing to take the blame and shoulder the pain brought to him by Ryeowook’s harsh words if it was the price to pay to keep the boy safe and away from harm.

Kyuhyun doesn’t know Jongwoon very well, but he can tell that he’s in pain. And if he was off-put by the guy’s lack of emotion up until then, that feeling dissipates as he watches Jongwoon leave for his bedroom. He almost feels bad for the guy, and he probably would if the exasperation that comes with the realization that he was right in telling Ryeowook that Jongwoon cares more about him than he lets show hadn’t taken over his mind.

It’s almost depressing how love can affect people at times. He’s said this once before in relation to Sungmin and his stupidly obvious—and _ obviously mutual_—crush on Saeun, but this very much applies to Jongwoon and Ryeowook in this situation. Love isn’t blind. It makes people stupid, and he hopes to God that he and Qian end up being an exception to this rule, because this is just _ ridiculous_.

“This is so stupid,” Kyuhyun sighs, unaware that he’s thinking out loud until Heechul turns over to him.

“What do you mean ?” Heechul prods; _ this _ is his chance to know what the fuck happened between Jongwoon and Ryeowook. If Jongwoon won’t tell him, he has no qualms about seeking his answers elsewhere.

“Their fight,” Kyuhyun shrugs, crossing his arms against his chest. “They could’ve avoided all of this if they just _ talked_.”

“Yeah,” Heechul purses his lips, stifling a bitter chuckle. “Jongwoon’s not the greatest at doing that.”

“Apparently Ryeowook isn’t much better either,” Kyuhyun admits.

He doesn’t give out much more information, though; he feels a little guilty talking about his best friend like that to a stranger, especially since said stranger is a close friend of Jongwoon’s. It feels good to vent a little, however. He hasn’t been able to do that much in the past few days.

“I just don’t understand how it turned into such a mess,” Kyuhyun wonders. He’s hoping Heechul could shed some light on the situation, since he can give him some insight about Jongwoon’s side of things, and maybe come home with something he could use to convince Ryeowook to stop acting like a dumbass and just _ call Jongwoon _ to set things right.

“I don’t think I can help you much with that, buddy,” Heechul breathes out defeatedly. “The more people love each other, the messier fights tend to become—it’s unnatural to hurt someone you care about and it’s not something you expect the other to do either.”

“You think they loved each other ?” Kyuhyun checks. He almost wants to laugh at the irony of the question.

“What kind of dumbass would drop everything to drive across the country in the middle of the night for someone they don’t love ?” Heechul throws back at him. He doesn’t really want to speak on Jongwoon’s behalf, especially since he knows this is a very delicate subject with him, but the answer is so obvious that he can’t possibly think up a lie big enough to convince anyone otherwise.

“My thoughts exactly,” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. He feels a little more comfortable now, and it’s in great part due to Heechul thankfully not making things awkward by just staring at him in silence like Jongwoon had done earlier.

However, the little squint Heechul gives him when the conversation comes to a stop is puzzling, if not a little unsettling.

“Sorry, it’s been bugging me since you came in and I really need to know—have we met each other before ?” Heechul wonders a few seconds later.

“Yeah, huh, I came to your birthday party,” Kyuhyun responds. He feels a little sheepish about it—there’s just something strange about telling someone who’s essentially a complete stranger to him that he was attending their birthday party. “That’s probably where you saw me.”

“_Oh_,” Heechul exclaims. “To be honest, I don’t remember much of it.”

“Seeing how drunk you were, I’d be surprised—and impressed—if you did,” Kyuhyun chuckles, the vivid memory of Heechul drunkenly clinging onto Jongwoon’s back whenever the guy walked past him coming back to the surface.

“I hope I at least looked cool embarrassing myself,” Heechul jokes.

“I’m friends with frat boys,” Kyuhyun states. “I’ve seen worse.”

“Ah, frat parties,” Heechul sighs dramatically. “The only thing I miss from college.”

“You were a frat boy ?” Kyuhyun checks, a little surprised by this.

“Not me, but Jongwoon definitely was,” Heechul snickers. God, this phase of Jongwoon’s was so cringey that even he feels secondhand embarrassment just from recalling it, to the point where he doesn’t even want to use it as blackmail against his friend because he’d suffer from it too. “That was a sight to behold, though a huge part of me kind of wishes I’d never seen it.”

“I never expected that of him,” Kyuhyun blinks. “But somehow I’m not surprised.”

“Jongwoon has changed a lot since then,” Heechul continues, “but that side of him will always remain, even if he’s buried it very deep inside of him.”

Heechul speaks of Jongwoon with a fondness that intrigues Kyuhyun, to the boy’s own surprise. He’s normally not the type to care much about other people’s relationships, be it romantic or a platonic friendship, unless it’s for teasing purposes like he does with his roommates. He guesses the current situation is what makes the difference, because as much as he abhors being stuck in the middle of a conflict—especially one that isn’t his own—he really wants Jongwoon and Ryeowook to find a solution to their problems. At the core of it all, he believes that Jongwoon did a lot of good to Ryeowook; his friend had appeared more confident and outgoing than he was before whenever they hung out, and although his insecurities are still very much there, they’re not even nearly as bad as they used to be before they met. He’s also matured a lot, and Kyuhyun still thinks this even if Ryeowook is currently acting like a dumbass back home.

“Speak of the devil,” Heechul then lets out. “He’s been gone for a long time for someone who said he’d be back quickly.”

Kyuhyun hadn’t really paid attention to the time since Jongwoon left, but Heechul is right; according to Ryeowook, he only left clothes and his tablet behind, which shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes to pack _ at most_. It’s been about twenty by now and despite the fact that the man had left the bedroom door open, there are no signs of life coming from the room—not even a single sound.

“I’ll go check up on him,” Heechul announces.

Kyuhyun nods at him before Heechul heads in the direction of Jongwoon’s bedroom and lets out a drawn out breath that he didn’t know he was holding up until then. And as Heechul closes the door behind him, he offhandedly ponders over retiring from this—from being the ‘common sense’ friend, because he feels like he’s starting to slowly lose his sanity the more his friends decide to act like absolute idiots and rely on his rationality to get out of the mess they created.

It’s not that Kyuhyun doesn’t care, and he knows they’re not forcing him to do all of that—he’s just not built to handle stressful situations because he’s not used to being stressed in the first place.

There’s a few seconds right after the door shuts behind him that all Heechul can do is stare at Jongwoon in concern when he finds the man sitting at the foot of the bed in front of the dresser, one of the drawers open halfway, and with what he assumes to be Ryeowook’s duffle bag at his feet, cloudy eyes affixed to a small silver object in his hand and body completely frozen in place. Heechul can’t even see the rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathes—it’s like he’s looking at a movie screen that’s been put on pause, and the knot in his stomach that made him feel sick earlier comes back tenfold.

Now that he has a better idea of what happened, his worry has turned into fear, because if there’s one thing that Jongwoon absolutely cannot handle, it’s _ breakups_, and the prospect of having to pick him up from rock bottom once more just scares him. He barely even managed to do it with Hyukjae. He has no fucking clue how he’s going to tackle this one.

“When were you planning on telling me about you and Ryeowook ?” Heechul demands, his fear turning into anger the minute he opens his mouth to speak.

Jongwoon doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even look away from the object in his hand, not even a split glance from the corner of his eyes. There’s just nothing, no reaction—just the brokenness in his gaze and his catatonic state that chills Heechul to the bone.

Scolding him really isn’t the way to go at the moment, Heechul concludes after he takes a deep breath to compose himself. It _ will _ come, because there’s no way he’s going to let the fact that Jongwoon had the audacity to lie to him straight to his face, but it’s going to have to wait until _ later_, when Jongwoon actually starts behaving like a human being again.

“Where’s his stuff ?” Heechul asks, referring to Ryeowook’s possessions. He does get an answer then—a simple tilt of the chin towards the already half-opened drawer in front of him, full of clothes that don’t fit Jongwoon’s style at all, save from the red hoodie that Heechul definitely recognizes as his.

“He’s also got some stuff in the closet,” Jongwoon flatly points out. “On the left side.”

Heechul nods at him to let him know he’s got it, though he doubts Jongwoon noticed it. The guy is still staring at the silver piece of jewelry in his hands, which Heechul now sees is some sort of pendant with what he thinks is a flower sitting right in the middle of Jongwoon’s palm. Most likely something that belonged to Ryeowook and held some kind of significance to either of them, else he doesn’t think Jongwoon would be so entranced by it.

Shaking away the heaviness lingering in the air, Heechul starts packing what he can easily identify as not belonging to Jongwoon, starting with the dresser drawer first. He comes across a few pieces of clothing that are definitely interesting to say the least, but nothing that truly surprises him—he knows _ too _ much about Jongwoon’s kinks, having observed him in action more times than he can count before, so he doesn’t bat an eyelid at the pastel stockings and matching underwear at all. He does, however, hesitate about including them in, because _ maybe _ these would feel inappropriate to give back to Ryeowook when he knows for _ certain _ that they’re gifts from Jongwoon, but he decides to pack them in the end, guessing that Jongwoon won’t have any use for them anymore.

“Is the hoodie his or yours ?” Heechul breaks the silence again, unsure of the answer. It does look like Jongwoon’s favourite red hoodie, but it’s been placed among Ryeowook’s stuff, so he thinks that maybe he got a matching one or one that looks similar.

For the first time since Heechul came in, Jongwoon lifts his gaze up to take a look at what Heechul is referring to—it’s _ his _ hoodie, though Ryeowook has stolen it so many times before that it might as well be his boyfriend’s at this point. It certainly doesn’t feel like it belongs to him anymore, that’s for sure, and he has to stop and think about whether or not he wants to leave it to Ryeowook. He doesn’t want the boy to believe that he’s trying to buy his forgiveness or guilt-trip him in any way, but at the same time, he doesn’t feel like keeping it. It’s Ryeowook’s favourite, too, and he knows that wearing it calms him—he hopes that despite their current situation, it can still do that. And so, after a moment of reflection, Jongwoon nods; he knows Heechul didn’t ask a yes or no question, but his friend still understands what he meant by it and throws the hoodie into the bag without another word.

Jongwoon goes back to the lotus pendant in his hand, tracing over the flower engraved in the middle with his thumb. His heart burns so much that it feels like it’s gone up to rest in his throat, blocking his airways, and although he can physically breathe just fine, he still feels like he’s drowning and left gasping for air. The reality of their ‘breakup’—though not official, he doesn’t know what else to call it—has only just begun to settle in, now that he’s forced to face the truth thanks to Kyuhyun’s impromptu visit.

Jongwoon can tell that he’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. Ever since Ryeowook left, he hasn’t been able to cry, to direct those feelings towards something else as a way to vent; his mind just outright rejected it, afraid of the pain it would cause him if he faced his problems straight down. He’s been stuck in denial for the past three days, completely dissociating from reality, but the headache creeping up on him is a sign that the thin and fragile wall he’s built around him is about to snap at any moment. He can feel it—the guilt, the pain, the mental exhaustion, the bargaining stage of grief, the plethora of _ what ifs _ and the dreadful regret it’ll bring with it; it’s coming. And he’s not ready for it. Not at all.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” Jongwoon blurts out in a breath, so low that Heechul almost misses it.

Almost.

“Will you tell me what happened ?” Heechul encourages, his voice coming out so much softer than he would’ve thought it would.

“I fucked up real bad,” Jongwoon mutters, jaw clenching in anger directed at himself. “That’s what happened.”

“You really need to get rid of your habit of blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong,” Heechul sighs. Jongwoon is doing the same thing he did when he broke up with Hyukjae, despite having every right to want to end things off with him. “It can’t possibly be all your fault.”

“It is,” Jongwoon insists. “It is all my fault.”

“Jongwoon, you need to—”

“No, you don’t understand, Heechul,” Jongwoon cuts him off sternly, and the glare he shoots him is enough to make Heechul feel like he’s shrinking to the size of an ant. “I _ really _ fucked up. All I needed to do was to tell him I love him and he’d still be there with me. But I just—”

Jongwoon has to pause when he begins to stumble on his own words. The room suddenly feels so cold around him and his hands start to tremble—the deep breaths he’s taking do very little to calm him down, and if anything, they only seem to make it worse because his breathing is growing increasingly unstable, shallow and jerky, and any attempt to even it out requires too much energy, something he doesn’t have at the moment.

“I couldn’t do it,” Jongwoon snivels. “I couldn’t. Instead I—”

Jongwoon can feel his eyes well up with tears, the painful sorrow he’s been keeping inside of him for longer than he should have on the verge of bursting out and opening the floodgates, but none have started to fall yet. Heechul can hear how close he is to breaking in the quiver of his voice, however, and he gets down on one knee in front of his friend to rub his arm, a small attempt at consoling him. There’s not much else he can do.

“I started panicking, I froze in place, and I…” Jongwoon swallows hard. “I told him to leave, Heechul. I told him to _ fucking leave_.”

Jongwoon is paraphrasing, but telling the boy to leave or that he needs to be alone carries the same meaning to him at this point. They would’ve led to the same result, after all, so there’s no distinction to be made in this case. And he doesn’t blame Ryeowook for leaving. He doesn’t blame him for anything he’s said or done either. He understands where the boy was coming from with perfect clarity, and he genuinely believes that, as hurtful as some of the accusations he’s thrown at him were, Ryeowook was completely justified in all aspects.

It wasn’t the claim that he may as well only be using him for sex that made him panic. It was the fact that despite the intensity of his feelings for Ryeowook and the knowledge that he would hurt him if he didn’t, he _ still _ wasn’t able to express it and just tell him he loved him. And it’s not like he didn’t try.

He just _ couldn’t_. The words simply caught in his throat, suffocated him, and made him panic.

Just like he’s about to panic now.

This isn’t a scenario Heechul is unfamiliar with. Jongwoon’s struggles with voicing his emotions has been behind most of his relationship problems, and it doesn’t help that on top of that, Jongwoon can’t even manage to explain to other people _ why _ it’s so difficult for him. Aside from Jongjin, Heechul is probably the only person to know where this all stems from, but it’s not like he can swoop into Jongwoon’s relationship to explain what’s going on in the man’s mess of a brain. It wasn’t his place to do so, as tempting as it sometimes can be so they can avoid disasters such as this one.

“Fuck,” Jongwoon hisses, eyes now puffy and red despite the lack of tears. He closes his palm around the pendant, clutching it tightly, and he finds himself silently praying over it as if it were a rosary. Praying for what or to who, he has no idea. He just wants to make things right, but he has no idea how he can do that. “I didn’t want to lose him. He was… so precious to me in ways that I can’t even describe. It felt… right. To be with him. And yet I—”

“Is there really no saving it ?” Heechul wonders, wishing to force Jongwoon to think of all the possibilities and hopefully bring him back on the path of rationality.

“I tried to call him,” Jongwoon confesses after a moment. “Left a message asking him if we could talk about this with clearer minds. No answer.”

“Maybe he just needs more time,” Heechul hypothesizes. He’s trying his best to sound convincing, but he really has no idea about how Ryeowook feels in all of this, so he can only theorize and hope for the best.

Heechul understands how this situation could be too upsetting for the boy to want to give Jongwoon a second chance, as heartbreaking as it is to him because he genuinely believes that he does deserve one, no matter how much of a fucking moron he can be. And he _ needs _ one, though he knows that it shouldn’t weigh into Ryeowook’s decision—it’s his and his only to make, after all.

Jongwoon really wasn’t lying when he said that their breakup would be on Ryeowook’s terms and not his.

They may not have been together as long as Jongwoon and Hyukjae did, but from the information Heechul has been able to gather from hearing Jongwoon talk about the boy and seeing them interact with each other, he can tell that his bond with Ryeowook runs much deeper than what he had with Hyukjae. And it’s not like Jongwoon and his ex weren’t close emotionally—it was quite the opposite, actually, which is why their relationship became so fucked up when their respective issues started to meddle in. Jongwoon has claimed before that his relationship with Ryeowook was as intense as this yet felt completely different, and if this was something Heechul had a hard time to grasp back then, he sees now what Jongwoon meant by that.

His reaction to their argument and its outcome is something he’s never seen before; Jongwoon may use denial as a defense mechanism for a lot of things, but the denial usually comes in much later when the scars begin to resurface and not _ right when it happens_. It’s seriously worrying, because if he hasn’t yet managed to heal from the wounds Hyukjae left behind, Heechul’s got no idea if Jongwoon will even manage to heal from this if he and Ryeowook _ do _ end up breaking up.

Heechul may not know where this sentiment comes from, because it seems to have always been a struggle his friend’s had to deal with for as long as he can remember, but he is very aware that Jongwoon doesn’t deal well with loneliness. He doesn’t have abandonment issues like Hyukjae has, but breakups hit him really hard nonetheless.

In any case, whether or not he has a clue about how to handle all of this, if there’s one thing Heechul knows for sure, it’s that he doesn’t want to let Jongwoon deal with this on his own. He made that mistake when he broke up with Hyukjae, and it proved to have rather disastrous consequences—he’s not going to make that mistake a second time.

“Here’s what we’ll do,” Heechul sighs with newfound determination. “I’ll go see Kyuhyun out while you stay here and pack your own stuff.”

“W-what..?” Jongwoon stutters, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden. His thoughts were already jumbled from the emotional turmoil going on inside his brain; Heechul just completely disoriented him with this statement.

“You’re coming to live with Geng and I for a little while,” Heechul casually announces. It’s neither a question nor an order—it’s a fact. “Until you’re able to stand on your own two feet, at least.”

“Heechul, you can’t—”

“I _ can_, and I _ will_,” Heechul insists. “That’s not negotiable, Jongwoon. You won’t be able to pull that ‘I’m fine’ bullshit on me this time. So either you come willingly or I drag your ass down to my car and force you to come.”

Jongwoon really wants to keep protesting, but he doesn’t have the energy to argue, and especially not with someone as stubborn as Heechul. However, it doesn’t mean that he’s thrilled about the idea—quite the opposite, actually, because he knows that he and Geng lead very busy lives and he hates the idea of intruding into their private life and feels very uncomfortable with the thought that his friends might end up feeling like they _ have _ to take care of him on top of everything they already have to deal with.

“Fine,” Jongwoon’s voice trembles a little, and he tries to compose himself by shaking his head rapidly as if to knock his mind back to the right place. “But I’ll still go see Kyuhyun out. I have… some things to ask him.”

“Are you sure ?”

“Yeah,” Jongwoon insists, nodding to emphasize his point, before clearing his throat and forcing himself up on his feet.

Heechul observes him as he reaches for a small navy blue jewelry box to very carefully—and with a delicacy he didn’t think Jongwoon capable of—put the necklace back in its place. Jongwoon keeps the little container in his hand as he stares down at it again, looking as if he were in deep thought, before sighing in defeat and set it down in the now empty drawer, which he rolls shut right after.

This necklace belongs to Ryeowook in every shape and form, but it carries so much meaning that Jongwoon is scared to give it back to the boy. Giving him his hoodie is more than enough, he thinks—he may want Ryeowook back more than anything in the world at the moment but he’s not going to force him to interact with mementos that could possibly guilt-trip him into coming back to him. This necklace is too deep a symbol; if Ryeowook wants it back, he can always ask for it and Jongwoon will gladly give it to him, but for now, keeping it seems to be the better option.

“Your timing was terrible,” Jongwoon tells Heechul as he bends down to zip up Ryeowook’s duffle bag and throw the strap over his shoulder. “But I’m really thankful that you’ve come.”

“My best friend senses were tingling,” Heechul half-jokes. “I wasn’t able to ignore it.”

“Sometimes it feels like you know me better than myself,” Jongwoon throws him a sad smile before heading for the door.

“Sometimes it’s because _ I do_,” Heechul retorts as he follows his friend and gives him a _ dad tap _ on his shoulder.

Kyuhyun looks relieved to see them when they finally join him. He’s been standing there, hands in his pocket and balancing on his feet, for God knows how long, and it had started to feel a little awkward to just be left alone in an apartment he _ technically _ wasn’t invited in. The heaviness that Jongwoon had carried with him earlier has seemingly vanished, too, although the man still appears very shaken and not so like himself.

Kyuhyun doesn’t miss the redness in his eyes either, as hesitant as Jongwoon is to make eye contact with him at first, but he doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t feel like it’s his place to do so—he’s not there to play mediator or couple therapist.

“Here,” Jongwoon points when he hands the bag over to Kyuhyun. “I think that’s everything.”

He doesn’t look too certain about it because he hasn’t double-checked, but he knows all of Ryeowook’s clothes and his tablet are in, at the very least—the toothbrush and toiletries he has here were all doubles that Jongwoon had bought for him long ago so he wouldn’t have to constantly go back to his place to get them, so he didn’t think it necessary to pack them in.

“Cool,” Kyuhyun awkwardly nods at him. He doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say; he knows this is goodbye, but he feels bad to just up and leave like nothing ever happened. “Thank you..?” He then sounds out—although it was a very uncomfortable experience, he’s grateful that Jongwoon had been mature enough to pack up Ryeowook’s stuff as he asked without making a fuss about it.

God does he know so many people who would’ve lost their shit over something like that, but it’s not like he expected Jongwoon to throw a temper tantrum either.

“How is he ?” Jongwoon questions him, a little unsure, but he figured now was the best time to ask since Kyuhyun technically hasn’t bid him goodbye yet.

Kyuhyun freezes in place for an instant, to both Jongwoon’s and Heechul’s confusion. He really doesn’t know what he’s supposed to answer to that—if he tells him the truth about Ryeowook’s angry outburst when he told him to call Jongwoon back when he got a voice message for him, or at least bother to listen to the damn thing, Jongwoon most likely won’t take it well. But it’s not like he can lie and pretend that Ryeowook is doing fine, first off because he’s a terrible liar, and second because he knows Jongwoon won’t buy it one bit. And in the case that he _ does _ for some strange reason, then he might just break the man’s heart even more and potentially ruin all of their chances at making up, which he really wants to avoid.

Sungmin feeding into Ryeowook’s anger is more than enough of a mess to deal with for now.

“Well, you know, he’s…” Kyuhyun stammers. “I can’t really say. It’s complicated ?”

“I figured,” Jongwoon nods, visibly upset. “I know I’m in a terrible situation to ask you this, but…”

“Don’t worry,” Kyuhyun assures him. “I’ll take care of him.”

“Thank you,” Jongwoon sighs in relief. Some of the weight on his shoulders has just been alleviated.

Kyuhyun gives him a nod and a small, mostly forced pursed smile in acknowledgement before heading for the door, judging that it’s finally time for him to go. Ryeowook is probably starting to wonder where the hell he went, and he doesn’t want to leave him alone with Sungmin for too long. Things haven’t exactly been the greatest at home lately, and he’s found himself arguing with his other roommate whenever Ryeowook wasn’t around more times than he’d like to admit; their approaches are too drastically different and Ryeowook is emotionally fragile enough to let himself be swayed by any of them, and he’d rather not have Sungmin win this one.

His friend may call it ‘validating Ryeowook’s feelings’, but to him it just looks like Sungmin is trying in any subtle way possible to convince Ryeowook to move on from Jongwoon because of his personal bias and it really doesn’t sit well with him. Qian is the only one able to keep him sane at the moment, and he’s so fucking grateful to have her by his side, but he really hates having to involve her in this mess and he just wishes for it to end as soon as possible.

“He still loves you,” Kyuhyun breathes out as he stops by the door, turning back around to face Jongwoon. “And he knows how dumb all of this is. He just decided to be stubborn about it, but he’ll get through eventually. Give him some time. You need it too.”

Kyuhyun has no idea where the hell this sudden surge of wisdom comes from. It feels like Qian is talking through him—she’s honestly starting to rub off on him, and while it’s definitely surprising and leaves him wondering if this is a good thing or not, it’s definitely coming in handy right now, so he doesn’t have it in him to complain.

“Just… don’t become a dumbass too,” Kyuhyun exhales once more. His attempt to pass his warning off as a joke fails, but Jongwoon understands that Kyuhyun’s intentions aren’t misplaced.

Under his nonchalance and joking nature, the boy is a lot more mature than one would think. It definitely catches Jongwoon off guard, because the last thing he expected was for _ Kyuhyun_—moreso because he happens to be Ryeowook’s best friend and the natural order of things would be to take Ryeowook’s side—to give him advice, but it’s not at all unwelcome.

Yet, Jongwoon’s heart still feels just as heavy. It’s going to take more than just words to make that dreadful emptiness vanish, but it’s a start, at the very least. If he has to entrust anyone with Ryeowook’s well-being, Kyuhyun is certainly at the top of his list. They’re going to be okay.

_ They have to. _


End file.
